narcissistic abuse syndrome

6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

Sharing is caring

Is it possible you’re dealing with a narcissist?  The best way to know for sure is to determine if you could have what is called Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.  

The clinical term for this condition is C-PTSD.

Like many people who’ve endured narcissistic and emotional abuse, you probably didn’t realize what was happening to you until you reached a point of near insanity and began searching desperately for reasons why your fairytale relationship took a grievous turn for the worse.

Further, the person you love has made you feel you can’t do anything right. The salvation of the relationship always lies on the distant horizon and is entirely dependent upon your changing something about yourself– which is impossible to do (in spite of frantic efforts on your part) – because the person you care about constantly changes the goalposts.

You can read all day long about narcissistic traits and still come away confused.  There are other very strong, reliable signs that you’re dealing with an emotional abuser, which have more to do with how their behavior affects you.

If the following signs describe your life, it’s an indicator that you have a narcissist on your hands, which means your relationship problems are undeniably not your fault.   (Watch the video or read the article below)


 1.  You almost always feel alone. Down to the core of your soul. While the narcissist may be living with you, eating meals at your table, and sleeping beside you in bed, you’ve never felt such stark loneliness. You often find yourself curled in the fetal position, envisioning someone coming to put their arms around you to help relieve your feelings of isolation.

The reason you feel this way is that you’re living with a mirage of the person you love. That person doesn’t exist, and, meanwhile, you are being abandoned in every way possible. According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,

Abandonment has its own kind of grief – a powerful grief universal to human beings. The grief can be acute – as when we go through the ending of a relationship, or chronic – as when we feel the impact of earlier losses and disconnection. Abandonment’s wound lies deep and invisible. It tugs and pulls, making it hard to let go, always acting beneath the surface, spilling primal fear into moments of disconnection, disappointment, and loss, generating feelings of insecurity and self-doubt that persist into future relationships. Unresolved abandonment is a primary source of self sabotage.

If you feel the narcissist simply “puts up” with you, only coming around to keep you strung along, it’s because you serve a purpose. If communicating with them leaves you feeling unheard, unstable, and frustrated, it’s because they don’t care about you, much less what you have to say.

A person who loves you would want to spend time with you, know all about you, and ensure that you feel safe and cared for.

2.  You don’t feel good enough. Although you’ve proven successful in your career, have built a solid foundation for yourself, and received compliments regarding your accomplishments (and even your looks), you’ve begun to feel like an imposter. No matter the Kudos you receive from the outside world, the narcissist doesn’t seem to notice, and worse, mocks you for them.

Narcissists mock and ridicule for many reasons, including making themselves appear superior, but the main reason they mock their victim’s triumphs is that they aspire to destroy their victim’s self-esteem. What better way to keep you under their rule than to make you believe that no matter what you accomplish, you’re “still a loser underneath it all”. Sadly, this works quite effectively in many cases, resulting in victims of this type of abuse becoming so broken and dysfunctional that they lose everything – careers, children, homes, licenses (such as those required to perform as doctors, attorneys, and therapists), bank accounts, and worst of all, their sense of self.

If you’ve noticed yourself feeling overwhelmingly insignificant inside of your relationship and a failure at life in general – which coincides with the time spent with a high-conflict individual – this is a symptom of narcissistic abuse syndrome.

3.  You feel engulfed by the relationship. One of the trademarks of narcissistic individuals is the way they hijack their victim’s world, effectively consuming every moment of the day. This engulfment can be observed in the way they call, text, and email numerous times a day (often well into the hundreds), encourage you to detach from friends and family, dictate how you should dress and/or wear your hair, display excessive jealousy, and, sometimes, even control what you eat.

This engulfment also consists of the “walking on eggshells” feeling and persistent anxiety that you experience. This comes from the fear of not knowing what will upset the volatile narcissist. Therefore, every action you take must be prefaced with a detailed analysis of whether or not it will upset them, and even then, your best thought-out plans may crumble around your feet – leaving you with a gnawing feeling of despair and hopelessness.

Healthy relationships do not make you feel like a prisoner. You should feel free to be yourself and rest easy in your nuclear and extended relationships with friends and family.

4.  You’ve begun to compromise your personal integrity and values. In the past, you stood up for what you believed in, but inside your relationship, you’ve started tolerating (and possibly taking part in) things that make you uncomfortable because, ironically, doing these things is how you’ve come to believe you can show your love to the narcissist.

You focus all your energies on how to make them love you and treat you once again like the soul mate they said you were. Paradoxically, in the “name of love,” you may have found yourself watching porn at their insistence, considering a threesome, or other demeaning sexual activities that make you feel sick to your stomach.

In other cases, you may have stopped leaving tips at restaurants, donating time or money, volunteering, and participating in other philanthropic activities because the domineering narcissist has told you those things are a waste of time and money and mocks you for doing them.

Even worse, your children may have taken a back seat to the constant drama.

A caring and trusting person would never force you to participate in things that make you feel uncomfortable or insecure, nor would they coerce you to stop taking part in charitable activities.

If this person has led you to believe that you can only prove your love by violating your values, this is another clear sign of narcissistic abuse syndrome, which indicates that you are in an abusive relationship. There is no loophole in this regard that disqualifies them from being abusive, no matter what they would have you believe.

5.  You feel unworthy due to their name-calling. It’s one thing for someone to call you pet names or even tease you on occasion, but another entirely to call you “crybaby”, “a moody bi**h” (or “not a man”), “unstable”, “crazy”, or other hurtful names – which are intended to hurt you.

Name-calling is a form of abuse. It is used to belittle you and make you question your worth. It is employed during rage attacks and blame storms and, alternatively, under the guise of joking. Whether they are arguing with you or the two of you are having a “good” day, name-calling is never appropriate.

Note that narcissists and other abusers call their targets names and then pretend that they are kidding (i.e., “You’re too sensitive” or “I was only joking”). This is a trademark of verbal abuse, and it’s no different with the narcissist you know, regardless of whatever excuses they lob at you.

Having a difficult childhood, bad past relationships, or stress at the workplace doesn’t give them the right to embarrass you, humiliate you, put you down, or make you feel guilty.

6.  You are exhausted by the repeated cycles of Hurt and Rescue. This form of punishment preys on your emotions. Here, the narcissist causes you a great deal of stress and anxiety and then abruptly relieves that stress.  The most common tactic used by the narcissist in this category is the silent treatment, which evokes your fear of abandonment.  When the narcissist finally returns, you experience a rush of euphoric relief.

Repeated cycles of hurt and rescue are emotionally exhausting.  This is the same method used in police interrogations to get a person to confess, sometimes even when they are innocent!  When the narcissist returns after numerous stints of the silent treatment, you are emotionally defenseless and more prone to accepting their offensive behaviors in order to avoid their leaving you again.  Further, this often leads to your pleading, apologizing, and begging the narcissist to stay, even when you have done no wrong!

Hurt-and-rescue cycles explain why narcissistic abuse victims experience cravings and obsessive thoughts once No Contact has been executed.  According to an experiment inspired by Langer, Blank, and Chanowitz (1978), and recently conducted by Dolinski and Nawrat**, when the event that provokes one’s experience of fear is suddenly removed (i.e., No Contact with the Narcissist), we may experience a short-lasting state of disorientation. The action produced by fear is no longer functional in the new circumstances (your removal of the silent treatment due to implementing No Contact), and a new program has not yet been instigated. Their assumption is that during this period of disorientation, people function automatically and mindlessly, engaging in automatic, pre-programmed actions.

In other words, even when we’ve gone No Contact, we tend to engage in the same obsessive thoughts and behaviors as when we were still with the Narcissist and endured the Silent Treatment because our subconscious minds cannot tell the difference.

What it all means

If you constantly wonder about the status of your relationship, ruminate about what you could do differently, believe the problems in your relationship are all your fault, constantly obsess about what the narcissist is up to, experience mood swings, are constantly fearful and anxious, and/or feel like less of a person than before you met the narcissist, these are the signs of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and you have been the victim of emotional abuse and are experiencing the effects of deep trauma bonds.  

The good news is that you can untangle yourself from the toxic relationship.  However, it’s important to understand that the aftermath of emotional trauma needs to be taken seriously.  Books can help, but the most effective programs for recovery include going No Contact (with the help of a coach, if necessary), deprogramming from the abuse, and implementing new daily routines. 

How To Protect Yourself Against the Narcissist and Stand Strong

Do you ever feel like you’re about to snap?

Are you guilty of sucking it up and saying, “I just need to work harder?”

This place is familiar to me. I get it. You don’t want to start a process that could take a long time. You’re also not sure if you can trust yourself to not give into hoovering attempts by the toxic person in your life.

I also understand that you’re probably ready to try anything.

A fresh perspective. A different pathway. A new YOU.

Is Your Relationship or Marriage Worth Saving?

Subscribe to our newsletter and discover powerful insights into the dynamics of toxic relationships and gain a profound understanding of what might be holding you back. 

Click here to subscribe.


** Dolonski, D., Ciszek, M., Godlewski, K., and Zawadzki, M. (2002)Fear-then-relief, mindlessness, and cognitive deficits. European Journal of Social Psychology.

Sharing is caring

Leave a Comment:

Heather says March 14, 2024

I am from South Africa, where there is no support for emotional abuse. What makes it worse is that my husband and I have a young daughter together and he has threatened to take her away from me. He even has the support of a local social worker who helped him win a protection order case against me. I had no choice but to move in with him again when my cousin tried to kill my mother and I for inheritance money. We live in a small town, my mom and I know no one as we lived on a farm before, so we only know his friends who he has already poisoned against us. I am in contact with the Tears foundation, but it takes them so long to respond and they don’t have the resources to help. Work is scarce in my country, so I get welfare, my mom her pension money, my husband lies about his money almost being finished so that my mom and I must use all our money to put food on the table. Now my husband yas started playing mind games again, taking some of my mom’s blood pressure medication to make her think she took the doses wrong, so we lock it away. Small things are disappearing, windows we closed get opened at night, if we even merely ask about it he goes into a rage and says we are blaming him for everything, he can do nothing right. Recently since I stopped giving him anything in the bedroom and have been denying him all the attention he wants his moods have begun to swing more wildly, with fits of silence one minute to affection and him buying us chocolates and things to eat. He has also stopped posting to his WhatsApp status when he usually can’t wait to see how many people viewed them. He has three phones, the new one he guards with his life. I found disturbing screenshots on an older phone of his he doesn’t use as much anymore, sick photos of sexual torture and lip sewing, I never even knew that existed. He has also been threatening to kick us out as the flat we rent is in his name. We are terrified, my daughter means the world to my mother and I amd our greatest fear is that he will take her from us using the social worker who defended him so well before. We are also afraid that all of this might be leading up to more on the way. He constantly speaks of revenge in a way that no one else can pinpoint why he refers to it except us.

Lisa says February 10, 2024

My Narc was my mother and her final move was to cut me out of her will and estate and never had the guts to tell me. Yes, her final slap from the grave. So I’ve lived my entire life trying to love someone who only loved you back when she felt like it.
My traumas go further than that though, my sister is also a Narcissist and has cut me out of everything as well. Including my own mother’s funeral. Along with everything you have listed here, I also suffer from Event Trauma and Betrayal Trauma. My 57 years of life knowing who I am and was got turned upside down and inside out. I have been in counseling for over 6 months and I still deal with the traumas every day and think about suicide often. My husband is my rock and the reason I’m still here today. PTSD never goes away, you just learn how to live with it.

Danielle says December 31, 2023

New Year Eve today! 2024 starts tomorrow, big year as I have finally had enough from my Narcissistic husband. He went MIA for the holidays and that was the last straw. I’m filing for divorce after exactly 4 years. Please send me the strength to follow through.

    Kim Saeed says January 2, 2024

    You can do this, Danielle! Stay strong!!



Ila says December 11, 2023

At 74 years old I don’t see a way out. I have nowhere to go and cannot afford to live on my own. I’m deep in credit card debt mostly because of trying to take care of my home, but also as a means of self satisfaction.

Sue says November 6, 2023

Left the narc back in March and divorce was final September 22nd the week after our 5 year wedding anniversary. Wish I would of came across this article sooner. I learned about narcissistic behaviors from tik tok.

Michele says March 28, 2023

I sit here reading this ,my mouth agape. I have done Loads of reading, but you hit every point of my life with my Narc. Its been 2 married years and 5 on/off dating. The hell is only getting worse – mostly because im SO scared to leave.

    Leah says May 30, 2023

    Hey Michelle, i feel you. My two year marriage has just fallen apart with in a week, but everything in this article was mind blowing.

deb says January 9, 2023

I just left the narcissist in my life a week ago. Went and spent time with him a couple of times and then for no reason I got yelled at and told I am different than I used to be (in a bad way). When I didn’t respond he increased the insults saying I don’t listen to him when he talks or take his advice or change my behavior. That was the final straw for me! I can’t tolerate his narc behavior any longer. I got up, said good-bye and left. It’s not easy to completely cut him off! There are many things I liked about him and sometimes we had a great time together. I have to remember that he has cost me my home, my money, my self-worth and nearly my sanity. I am broken and don’t know how to heal. And I am determined to do so.

Min says December 4, 2022

My 2 sisters, brother & mother give me narcissistic abuse syndrome.
I tell them not to say something to anyone next thing someone tells me they did tell but they can’t remember me telling them, yet they remember other things.
I am so scared of everyone e now

Hubert Bennett says August 31, 2022

I never knew Jessica was a narcissist until I seen you on tick tock with the help of Facebook I’ve been going through this for 7 years and I would like to truly thank you for opening my eyes

Wife says August 5, 2022

Reason 1 & 6 seem to be how I feel. I know who I am. I know Im worthy of love and respect. But I admit I am caught in this marriage …………

Kim says April 2, 2022

I’ve been married to this man for 18yrs and he had my sister and children convinced I was crazy. He would even have me convinced at times, I started drinking very heavy until I would pass out. Had horrible relationship with my children but it helped me forget about my life. He saved me from an abusive relationship and 9 months after meeting him he whisked me away to Vegas and we were married, I thought he was going to be my forever. Then he started accusing me of cheating and I’d have to take a picture of myself in front of the POS at work so he could see the day and time. He was constantly putting me down, calling me names, nothing I did was good enough. Who taught you to clean, what are you stupid, why can’t you do anything on your own, you couldn’t survive without me. He took me to Atlantic city once just me and him and we went to the bar for a few drinks and he started trying to convince me to help him pick this girl up at the end of the bar for a threesome and I left and stayed alone in the hotel rm all night. He said he fell asleep on someone’s front porch, yea right!
But about 6 years ago I don’t know what exactly happened but I stopped drinking hard liquor started to rebuild my relationship with my children,he still would emotionally abuse me but I just went about my day and tried to not let it bother me, it did though. We continued to grow further apart but he would pull me back in from time to time with trips or a gift out of no where or really amazing sex, which we hardly ever had anymore.
Then 2 years ago my baby brother, who I was very close with, drowned to death and I had to tell my daughter 2 days before her birthday that her godfather would not be there. I died a little that day with my brother, and after I grieved a few days I went to work and told them I no longer want to serve, I want to be in the kitchen, they made me the new Prep cook. I felt good more $, then they made me a cook, then I took my life out of my husband’s hands! He would say “oh I’m sure your brother would be real proud of you acting like this”, or he’d try to get me to drink, ” it’s OK have 1 for your brother!” He couldn’t stand losing that grip he had on my life. I needed him financially but now with the extra money I didn’t him him or any one else. I started working more, 3 jobs actually, spending all my free time with my kids, sleeping on the couch most nights. I started fixing my credit, I always relied on his, 1 night he picked a fan up above his head and threw it full force at my back in front of our 11 yr old. I don’t know why I didn’t call the police I wish I had, he tried to say I was coming at him! What? My son said “how did you hit her in the back if she was coming at you? I can’t believe I call you my father!” That night my 15yr old helped me move out of the master bedroom and into the middle rm and my son moved downstairs to our game room. And here we are April 2022 I’m working only 2 jobs now since covid happened I was forced to slow down and realize I don’t have much more time with these kids. I fixed my credit, I’ve been pre-approved for a mortgage loan and I told my husband I want a divorce. He hasn’t worked in a few years now and I pay for everything! I told him he has become just another mouth to feed, he does nothing around the house the litlle money he had he spends on stupid stuff and throws it away. He’s become a huge burden on my life and I’m getting rid of the dead weight ! He doesn’t believe I’m moving out, he still calls me crazy and he tells me I’m emotionally abusive, I’m the one that did all of this to him. Well OK if you say so, my kids hate when we yell, so I wear headphones around my neck the whole time I’m home. So if he tries to start I say yup it’s all me, your an idiot and a waste of my time. Then I put my headphones on and sing out LOUD & smile until he goes back to his garage. That’s where he spends 80% of his time. And when I leave the kids are coming with me and he will lose the house and move back with his mother just like he was when I met him. From time to time I think back when he would touch my face and I would cringe because of my past relationship and he’d look in my eyes and say I’m not that guy, and that’s who he became but I became stronger and wasn’t gonna let my daughter think that it was OK for a man to treat a woman like that and I don’t want my son thinking that behavior is OK either! Reading articles like this helped me realize what I was up against & they saved me, thank you!

    Christy says June 6, 2022

    I got goosebumps when you talked about him throwing fan at ex started another fight with me and threw a 5 ft fan hitting me. I ran to garage and hit my breaking point and swallowed bottle of pills. Couldn’t take it anymore. Of course it was wrong to do and I hate I let him push me to that place. I never felt better than the day I finally moved into my own house after 15 yrs with him. Yes, it took me a long time to get over, not him, but what he did to me. People think I’m not over him if I bring up something he had done, but I don’t ever want to see his face again. He did me a favor. It’s the abuse and him breaking my spirit that had the biggest effect on me. This form of abuse isn’t talked about enough and it’s just as if not more dangerous than any other form of abuse.

Tee says March 24, 2022

If married to this person and you’re determined to survive him/her, here are some clues how:
Abandonment – Pretend they are [just] a housemate. Build yourself a support team and stay in touch but not focused on the narcissist

Not good enough – Build your own esteem. Gain knowledge about the behavior disorder and get wisdom how to master it. Know thy self!

Engulfment – Detach from them emotionally. Don’t be at their beckon call.

Pleasing them – Don’t try! Don’t build them but respect them. Build or maintain high integrity for yourself.

Name calling – laugh at ‘em if you feel safe enough to. Don’t answer to it. Don’t respond.

Silent treatment – enjoy the silence by reading, writing or playing games. Enjoy yourself.

Guard your heart because this isn’t love! You’re onto their insanity, so don’t play their game, make up your own rules.

    Kim says April 2, 2022

    Everything you said is exactly what I did, it was so hard and took years but you are right on point. I still want the man I married to come back but I know he never existed it was all a facade! He had the look of the perfect family and when I would correct him on something or if I knew more about something or if I questioned him about znything, or not show all my interest in what he had to say then the real one came out, the heartless, soulless, jerk came out to break me down until I admitted I was wrong, I misunderstood your so smart thank you for opening my eyes please just love me again, I’ll do anything. He wanted me pathetic and I wanted the love of a guy that never really existed. I never even heard of a narcissist before I married one ?

Anonymous says January 24, 2022

Pamela, you obviously have not read Kim’s bio & history with her husband. This is real stuff. You need to get educated on this and leave your hurtful comments off here.

Chalise Burnett says November 3, 2021

My husband left 5 months ago. He apparently was having an affair throughout our marriage. He made a lot of money. He left all the bills to me. He’s planning to remarry after just 5 months, and we are not divorced yet. After he left he turned his whole family against me. The times we talked he verbally abuses me so bad, I feel sick. And I’m a fighter! I still love him, and am disgusted at myself for that.

JennyL says September 30, 2021

I’m seven years sober from my narcissist mother. There are still days when I feel so completely alone. I had to cut off all of her flying monkeys. It still hurts sometime. I’ve had to grieve my mother while she is still alive. But what I’ve leearned is that I miss having A MOTHER, not my mother. She’s actually truly evil. No contact is so hard, but every time I let her back in, I got destroyed. I carried this for far too long. I’m 55 now, I was 48 the last time she hit me, abused me, gaslighted me, played me, and then acted like she was the victim. Worth all the pain. My other relationships have benefitted, and I’ve cut out the ones that I had cultivated that perpetuated the abuse (yup, as victims, we sometimes do that) and have finally started to accept my own value. You can do it too.
We had a tragedy in the family last week. And while it was truly terrible, I was watching the memorial service remotely, and she’s slipping, she completely outed herself as the narcissist she is. It was only about a minute and twenty seconds, but it’s out there, on the internet, forever. And I saved it. I can’t watch it again, but knowing that I have it, that shred of evidence, has made me feel a little tiny bit vindicated.

Anonymous says September 30, 2021

I’m seven years sober from my narcissist mother. There are still days when I feel so completely alone. I had to cut off all of her flying monkeys. It still hurts sometime. I’ve had to grieve my mother while she is still alive. But what I’ve leearned is that I miss having A MOTHER, not my mother. She’s actually truly evil. No contact is so hard, but every time I let her back in, I got destroyed. I carried this for far too long. I’m 55 now, I was 48 the last time she hit me, abused me, gaslighted me, played me, and then acted like she was the victim. Worth all the pain. My other relationships have benefitted, and I’ve cut out the ones that I had cultivated that perpetuated the abuse (yup, as victims, we sometimes do that) and have finally started to accept my own value. You can do it too.

Michelle says September 29, 2021

I was with my narcissist for over 5 years, took care of both his parents until they each passed away, both died in my presence… His mother was bedridden, and unable to do much for herself, and his father had alzheimer’s dementia, became totally incontinent, and took up all of my time and energy, and I did all that was required and much more, because it’s what I do… So, my narcissist brings home a new puppy for me to take care of , in addition to everything else.
After both of his parents were gone, and I was no longer consumed with being a caregiver, and had freedom to spend quality time, somehow, my time always ended up being spent alone, and I used it productively, doing yard work, beautifying the inside and exterior of the house, etcetera, only to have his children or other family members mess things up or even destroy what I’d worked so hard to clean, repair, or build, and I just felt constantly disregarded, disrespected, and alone…
Then, one day, he started to show a need to be with me, after I started spending more time at my mothers house… he couldn’t sleep without me, and would come to my moms and spend time there with me, and then spend the night…. He started to be kind towards me, although I had nothing to offer him.
Suddenly, he began making plans for the both of us to take a trip together, and purchased things for me , that I would need on the trip, and we stayed up until 3 am together, playing sic from our childhoods, and talking and laughing, and the next day, he asked me to go for a ride on his motorcycle with him, to get dinner. I said I preferred taking the car… He insisted on going on his bike, and quickly left by himself…. 40 minutes later, I was called to the hospital, where I was told he’d been killed when a van pulled into the path of his motorcycle.
None of his family members cried a single tear, while I was inconsolable for several days… His daughter came into town and without saying a word, changed all the locks on everything, and even locked me out of our own bedroom, without allowing me to remove my belongings… all while I continued to cry uncontrollably, which only got worse from there. It was the worst, most heartless thing anyone has ever done to me, and within 4 days, I had to take myself to the ER with tightness in my chest, and breathlessness, as well as swollen legs, all the way above my knees…
After 4 more ER visits and2 months later, I was told I have “congestive heart failure resulting from complicated grief”
It has been 11 months now, and I am still crying daily, and I have been grieving, not only for him, but also for the loss of his entire family… I still do not know the reason for the way I was treated after losing him, or why ANYONE would treat anyone in that much emotional pain that way, knowing how much Ibwas hurting… I have yet to even begin to recover… and they said the damage to my heart was irreparable.
Thank you for letting me tell a very “watered down” version of my story… Only 2 others have heard it…

Kimberly Keene says September 27, 2021


    Anonymous says October 16, 2021

    Hey Kimberly are you ok?

Anonymous says August 3, 2021

I’m only 13 and all these were soo relatable! Thank u so much for this. I always thought that what I feel was not valid. But after this I know that there is a reason as to why I never feel motivated to take part in any competitions or programs in my school, and feel so tired and drained of energy all time. My dad’s a narcissist. My mom is gonna divorce him. But the worst thing is that I don’t know if he loves me or not. He sends me voice messages saying that he loves me and tells me not to leave him and he has nobody else in this world. And I think I love him but I don’t want to. The day I was born, my dad was sitting with his head in his hands as if someone died. Because I’m a girl. Why can’t he just hate me? It would’ve been so much easier he did. I never feel alive when I’m with him, I feel like I’m in a prison and there’s no happiness for me. But with my mom I feel so happy. I’m gonna try those articles on recovery from narcisstic abuse. I hope it works. And I’ll also pray that no one else has to go through this especially at a young age, it drains all the energy from you, makes you feel worthless and horrible and impossible to love. People say I’m mature for my age, what they don’t know is that I’m traumatized and have full blown panic attacks. So the next time you see someone who’s mature for their age, be kind to them. Be kind to everyone. Because you’ll never know what someone is going through and the battles they fight everyday inside their head. I’m sure almost everyone who’s here reading this is going through something unimaginable but you’re still standing and fighting your demons. Therefore you’re a survivor, a Warrior.

Richard Martinez says August 1, 2021

early stages of understanding 16 years of living the life. Note so easy to continue with out change . Hard not to love your partner even thou.

Brand -E says July 25, 2021

Years ago a counselor just tossed around her off record opinion was she saw many signs Of NAS (c-ptsd) . I never really looked into or questioned it until most recently . I’m at an ultimate desperate time of feeling insane and alone . After reviewing many pieces of material you have provided . I see the light . I’m an absolute victim of this disease and now it is up to me to fight against it and regain the me that has been swallowed up in the grave the narcissist has dug for me. Thank you Miss. Saeed for assisting in my revelation witH all the materials you provide .

Mercer Wray says July 24, 2021

Your emails are awesome! TOOK 2 plus yrs to understand what My life was an understanding I’m not crazy. NEVER felt so much pain and hurt in my life. Mentally consume with thoughts of what I DID wrong and how to get her back. SHE flat out walked out and tore apart our family. I’m not perfect, but I understand divorce and how children feel. She made comments about me being gay, worthless, abusive and lazy bum. While I paid all bills and gave her unlimited money and credit cards for her to be happy it all backfired in my face. Her words cut deeper than knife and her constantly being mean towards me saying ugliest words cut up every piece of Man I was while making me believe I’m worthless and feeling heartbroken, abandoned, stupid, and started experiencing Heath issues and darkest thoughts of my life was over. Kim, went from being LIFE of party with friends everywhere. Was traveling out of town bi weekly and managing bills and making SURE family has what they needed. After the breakup I started getting confused and couldn’t read or absorb the content and grasp life’s daily chores. Was afraid of being alone and a failure like she said I was. She had no friends and family wasn’t much to brag about. Her family is Cold and distance but think they’re smarter and showing your emotions is a weakness, opposite of my beliefs. Went from friends, new car for her, plenty of money and outgoing to family and friends, but close to my children and younger daughters and our son we shared. Lost everything. Family, friends, money and self-worth. Kim you’re emails daily saved me from the spiral of depression and feeling worthless. Seeing the flaw’s of the past and opening the door to love myself again is a joyous feeling I never thought I’d have again. GOD saved me from the pits of hell I experienced with my breakup and sent your blog and email’s to Open the doors in my life I had deadbolted from her abusive words. Everything you said was what I was dealing with. From the 24/7 only thinking her, to the lies of betrayal my love had blinded in the past. You’re kind words repeatedly showed me my heart can love again and loving myself was the first step to regaining my life. Though it’s not easy to accept our so-called soulmate isn’t the person we thought. Life is good again and I never thought I’d be My old self again. Hard to expect the truth and seeing how much I changed. I’ve always BELIEVED IN MYSELF AND MY CAPABILITIES. Letting someone Rob who I was, took me a long time to except. No matter what others are saying, I seemed to only hear an believe what my ex was telling me. Your emails took Time to open the wounds and making me heal from the heart, to my mental health being normal and seeing how much damage I allowed in my life. If I hadn’t kept reading your emails, I know I’d still be isolated and withering away with self-pity. If anyone is experiencing the loneliness of abuse from a ex. Praying that they find your column or blogs to begin healing from the eye opening TRUTHS your experience of dealing with this in your life. Having a son with My ex is making me cautious with connect with her. I’ve noticed few times her ghosting and then texting out of the blue. I’ve learned not to let her no what I’m doing or whom I am talking with. Trying to reinforce my love to My son and let him know daddy’s better and love’s him regardless of what he’s been told. Wish I had a support group in my area and heal faster. Thanks for your relentless emails and checking on me! Your contact with emails was the only outside contact I had an your emails Open all doors and doubtful thoughts on myself and MADE it easier to begin healing for rest of my life. MY God bless you with spreading the words of abuse to all the people who need a jump start to the beginning of the rest of Thier life! GOD bless and have a great day.

Terry says July 23, 2021

I’ve been away from the narcissist for almost 5 years. I still have ( I’m calling it ptsd). I can’t handle the idea of a man touching me. Except as a friend. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. I have a wonderful family but they don’t understand why some things still affect me. I never thought it would take this long to start to recover. I need help. My therapist didn’t understand. Because I couldn’t reveal everything to her in the first two visits, she said she thought I was dealing very well. If she only knew the inside , things you have work up to revealing.

Jamie says July 22, 2021

The Hurt & Rescue is my husband’s favorite tactic. I don’t have to do anything, but he will find something, anything to blame me, and because he doesn’t like to “argue” he’ll leave and I won’t know when he will be back.
That’s like tonight. He left for work yesterday morning, spoke with him at around noon today, and said he would be home tonight. It’s now 9:00 PM CDT and no sight or word from him. The sad part is, he owns his own company and I work for him, that’s the only way I would have any money. He’s already told me that if I leave, he will fire me and I’ve burned every bridge for a place to stay because of him so I’m stuck and lost and so very tired. I just want it all to stop.

Tricia says July 22, 2021

Great video

Anonymous says July 16, 2021

they will have numerous secretrelationships and flinfs whilt u in relationship, will blame u for everything even their lies, will make u doubt ur selfworth and yourself, make u feel alone, unwanted, unworthy, ignore or block u to punish u, which makes u feel worthless, get too busy with other girls and make excuses and after 7years that u gave ur life ur everything, they will cut u off and blame u for it.

Melanie says June 4, 2021

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for over a year and I am ready to go all the way with my healing. It’s only been 3 days since I’ve done no contact. I’ve gone back to him so many times because I’m so trauma bonded and addicted to him. I’m ready to act like this is a drug addiction that I need to escape. When he tries to Hoover, I need to be strong and not give in. He has cheated so many times, lies about everything, manipulates, gaslights, but he is also the most charming person and very attentive to my needs when he wants to be. I know what he really is and that he can’t change. I have to accept that and move on. If I keep staying in this, I will be dead. My soul hurts, my heart hurts. I can’t live this way anymore. I am ready to go full in on Kim’s recovery program. ??

Yvonne Basson says May 19, 2021

I felt that growing up and had a 17yr relationship with a man like that

Scarlet says May 17, 2021

I don’t ask for help. But I need it. Noone sees me cry but I’m crying. I used to be strong now I feel hopeless. I have no self worth left. I have nothing but pain and loneliness how do I leave with nowhere to go. I’ve been with him 14 years now the only people in my life are his people I have no family no friends no money how do I leave where do I go how will I be safe will I survive this. He is cold and loud and arrogant he smiles when I cry. I’m sensitive this hurts I’m consumed by confusion and feel lost and broken and emptied of any sense of self. Please help me. I will be forever grateful for an ounce of hope.

Stephanie R. Layman says February 23, 2021

Hello! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a team of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us useful information to work on. You have done an outstanding job.

Carol says January 30, 2021

I hurt every day I love our son miss him.. I feel guilt that I flipped frustrated that he sides with a horrid woman “child toddler” but at the same time tried to help him I had a complete break down trying to understand so many things. Refusing to believe our son is a narc . The only thing that I am absolutely sure of is that his partner is it hurts so deep. Our son never knew my father how he behaved he never met him. I am mixed up but son says he had a very happy childhood with the family although not school life sadly we did try . I love my children so deeply . I should have stood by him in this relationship but just couldn’t understand what he sees in this horrid woman. Hardly any contact in lock down ill dad sister we were always chasing him down not all the time we did give him space in fact for over four years with him and partner gave them space never badgered them. i never said any thing about her behavior or his at times I guess frightened of losing him abandonment issues. His sister is so strong mature loving kind his partner was awful rude entitled sometimes to his sister and me and his dad like dirt. It is just hopeless trying to understand. But my son once told me that he likes bad girls! I have had to come to terms with him he became a gambling addict. This started to occur after a bad split in his late teens with a long standing girlfriend. He would lock himself in his bedroom all day and night addicted to either gambling or online games. I truly missed speaking to him. My childhood was the same a father addicted to so many things including collecting woman he hardly showed any interest in me any contact with him was through me trying to get to know him his hobbies. So with my son hardly talking to me it hurt. Life moved on he moved out then met a girl online community she said he was so unhappy when they met does this sound familiar guess to so many yes. Within a few years best friends and others gone. I only discovered this after the baby was born. I just flipped when my eyes opened and I saw all this I sadly just wanted to run just had enough old tired worn out but confused worried about him but angry at the same was he in a abusive relationship obviously he was happy with the baby but still such a sad look but he just wouldn’t speak only to say he had done bad things? What bad things my mind was working over time. He could be loving but as for her never seen any loving to any one she will never change. Son is getting help but her she doesn’t even recognize what she is and never will never seen it in all those years. I feel for the baby but I saw so much love in our sons eyes for the child at least fills my heart but her I saw just an act she claimed post natal but was just the same as she always was. Even if we got access to the child I doubt it would last long there was always excuses as to why she never to turned up. Our son says she just doesn’t like family life. She also told me she doesn’t like people. But always changing her image and life on social media. Pinches’ everyone’s ideas and life some times makes up so many horrid stories all lies and we have evidence to this. I just had enough it was strangling me its a catch twenty two situation I would love to hug my son and his child all our family would be then we would all have to put up with so much abuse sometimes from both of them I just had enough it broke me. Our daughter is going to have an eight hour operation to save her life in a few months so I have to focus on her now its so sad the whole thing just sad. I just flipped because of so much pressure a lot I said was true timing bad but I was ill depressed the pair of them have banned all three of us from seeing the baby and my son says I cant have a relationship with me ever again. The doctor has confirmed that when I said the things I was ill with so much stress but she has said there’s nothing wrong with me. Daughter said our son was understanding but obviously so stressed and upset but his partner sat Stoney faced and said that I am banned from the house and the baby for life,. She wont even talk about it wont even give us a chance totally cut the whole family including her own family as well so the baby has no grandparents of family now but them . His sister bought the baby including some lovely items for Christmas including us for the baby which they took but still wont talk to us. The outfit my daughter bought was baby’s first footie kit her brother took it but never even sent her a photo or even gave her a Christmas card it just breaks our hearts.

Brad says January 20, 2021

Well im going thru all of it right now and what else im finding out is pride hits hard to im supposed to be strong and not show emotion i got deppressed when i saw how bad i had been to so many people in my life that is when the narcissistic person showed there face again oh also had moved axross the state for her and all the traits ti come thru bad and the i saw the blameing the gaslighting oh well she took all my money my car even my vacum while i also came down with first blood clots in my lungs then pneumonia to infected blood clots then sepsis to i was just diagnosed with conjestive heart faliure my heart works at 20% she has been with me 4 days in 6 months and now she wants to come back the behaviors she is showing are text book and now i know that but my life is destroyed and have no reason ti live

Robert Armand says November 24, 2020

I have met someone on the internet a social media site called Tagged. There is all the tools to manipulate a person virtually on their perhaps even more so than a real life scenario. Likes , gifts, messages, comments, tags Etc. All little ” treats ” to pull you in and when they stop leave you cold and vulnerable. She goes silent than its utopia when she comes back.

Lisa Thompson says November 19, 2020

I came across this at my most desperate of desperate days living with a narcissistic monster for 13 years. This has been life changing for me.

    Kim Saeed says November 19, 2020

    So glad to know the article helped you feel validated, Lisa ╰(✿´⌣`✿)╯♡

Donna says November 18, 2020

Oh my goodness! I have all of these tendencies

Linda says November 8, 2020

I never realized it before reading this article but this is my life. Controlled, belittled, ignored. My husband is having an affair and makes me feel like it is my fault that he cheated.i left and he played on my love for him to get me back. He was sorry, never happen again, he loves only me. Well that lasted about a week and the abuse started again. Name calling and putting me down. Started seeing the other person again, not that he ever stopped. I am trying to get myself together to get out of the situation and with the help from this article I feel more confident about it than before.

    Kaimana Taylor says January 11, 2021

    I’m so happy that you are aware of this sick behavior..
    Get out while you still can..
    They DO NOT CHANGE..
    Linda, sis, you deserve sooo much better..
    Enough hurt already..
    Love yourself enough to end it for good!
    God can and will help you, but you have to be Kaimana..❤???

    Anonymous says September 5, 2021

    I left a month ago after 28.5 years. I’m taking one day at a time. He doesn’t know where I am. Get yourself a strong support system.

Phylipa says October 16, 2020

Thank you for the most reliant infomation. I just ended a 18 year relationship, that included 10 years of marraige and two children. To keep it short, i ended it after the constant dread of eggshells and filtering conversations as if he was standing next to me.
So from being 16 to my 30s in this relationship I was left going WTF was that? Your resources have helped me process each event and understand more and why. Even though I thought he was loving there seems to be underlying control that ive missed. The fact that ive just typed ‘seems’ rather than there ‘was’ shows i still have to stop enabling his behaviour. But its a long time of my life. I’ll leave you with one prime example that you infomation has helped me dissect. After missing out on any big birthday parties from 17, due to moving locations more than years id lived, not having friends, to where it wasnt worth the drama the next day… I organized a 30th for myself. Mostly family, bosses, his friends and neighbours. It was in general a good night, I kidded myself I could actually get drunk and have fun for once. Nope. It ended in me putting his drunk arse in bed embarrassed because he had a full on screaming match with one of my only personal friends I had there, because she was racking him up that she had a thing for me. I missed the drama but it got broken up before it turned into a physical fight. I havent spoken to her since that night, because i believed him and his version. I didnt think there was another side. Until now, maybe she could see straight through him and was calling him out? Seems to be all ive done this last year is pick up pieces of broken friendships…
Thanks again for letting me understand why.

Kimberly Keene says October 10, 2020

Thank you so much! I’m really not crazy and delusional. I’ve been receiving your email for approximately a week and a half now. I’ve read every one of them, including the suggested side articles. I found one or more things/situations that I could relate to…until I read this one. I have first hand knowledge of every one of the criteria used listed. My birthday Thursday, October the 8th… I turned 59. I have been in this nightmare of a relationship for 9 years. I would give anything to be free and on the road to recovery before I turn 60. Thank you again for the miracle of knowing I am not alone anymore.

    Linda says November 3, 2020

    First off Happy belated birthday.
    It’s all so surreal for me. I just made no contact 12 days ago and I’m going through withdrawals like she mentions. We’ve been together a year and a half and I think more damage was done in this brief relationship than ANY OTHER I have had with even the ones I were married to and had children with. They were toxic as well but NOTHING like this!
    He’s 18 years my junior and I let him constantly tear my self esteem and self worth down. I just turned 56 and like you am hoping to heal well enough to have Hope again for that one relationship that will be ‘normal’?

    I do understand though that the most important relationship that I need to build is the one with myself. I was on a journey of doing just that when I met this man. If I had not already built what little of a relationship I had with myself I would probably have taken extreme measures to get away.
    Thank God I was still a tiny bit ‘spiritually fit’ to help me return to my sanity.
    Hang in there Kim! You got this!?????????❤️❤️

    Joy says November 22, 2020

    Kimberly K.
    I got away from him 3 years ago this month. After 27 years! Im 53 now.. You can do this! If hyou need someone to talk to im here to listen. Someone did that for me and i want to pass that kindness on. No matterwhat. Please know its never too late to begin your new life. Stay safe.?

      JENNIFER BENNER says April 12, 2021

      Joy- it is nice to hear that you have made it out to the other side. I was with a sociopath for 26 years, was discarded, then he ruined me financially for life. Took everything he could and seeing as I live in California- that means everything from my sick days and vacation days to my retirement, my supplemental account, 68k, monthly alimony for life, my life insurance, my survivor benefit, my death annuity, 50/50 split of the dog, pay my adult sons medical until he turns 26- I am sure I am leaving something out. I am struggling so badly because I can’t go completely no contact and am still tethered to the nightmare. Hearing that you made it out after 27 years is encouraging.

        Jessica says January 26, 2022

        I’d quit my job before I paid anything for this bum!

Ana says October 4, 2020

Thank you for the information .My mother is a narcissist and my whole life I felt despair and tried to end my life both physicaly and mentaly.I have been hospitalized and drugged and received eletroshoks and all because she made everyone and me included that I was crazy.I was very successfull im my career and still I was not worthy of being called a person,she calls me “that one”and today she says I m the worst mistake ever God made.All my family is on her side as she needs attention and love because she is such a good mother and can’ t Figure out why I am so bad .I am happily married but I never had the courage to have kids and I still cannot touch or be touched with affection as I do not believe much in it unless the person proves me he or she is not going to get too close.I pretend to be normal but I really lost faith in parents and kids and all that happy family stuff.Sorry to write so much but it was so surprising to have someone that tries to understand and that I may not be such a bad person after all(just being recognized as human is soo overwhelming) Thank you again

    R G says January 1, 2021

    I understand. You are not alone, dear. God be with you.

    Dawn says June 6, 2021

    Women are the worst believe me I’m only hanging in there for my inheritance not long to go!

      Carla says December 13, 2022

      After 60 yrs of a Toxic Narcissist Lesbian Child Molester Mother, I’ve been trying to hold out for the inheritance too. Until I found out that in 2016 she had already changed the will to my brother who drank himself to death after his son overdosed on heroin/fentynal. My name was second as Power of Attorney until she pulled me off the whole estate after my brother killed himself. She even told her church, where she donated the entire estate of hoarded crap and roaches, that I was not to be trusted and I was crazy due to my ‘imagined brain disease’. I have medical records and PET scans that prove her wrong. I want to cut her off. COLD. I’m losing weight fast now and she yells at me for ‘starving myself’. But she 87 and useless. Falls all the time and won’t go to a home or even wear an alert button. Why should I care? I need peace. I’m so tired from being sick for the last seven years and can’t take any stress. It swells my head. I need to cut her off. She has no friends, never has. Even her own sisters who all died last month wouldn’t speak to her for decades because of her narc behavior. She sexually abused me from diapers. I have an identic memory and can see, taste, hear and feel the pain off all those twisted encounters. To this day she insists I give her my blessings on being or turning into, no being outwardly, a lesbian. I’ve been in counselling since I was 11 when I was anorexic/bulemic from the lack of freedom. There are decades of different kinds of abuse but remembering them makes me vomit. I was a hospice nurse for 35 years and a damn good one. I worked privately for the multibillionairs on Mount Desert Island in Maine. All she ever did when I lost a patient was yell at me for not being able to keep a job. That was my job. To be there for patient and family when people die. I’ve given her to God Almighty so many times but can’t get all the echoes of abuse and hurtful words out of my head. And she LIES!!!!!! Constantly. Huge colorful pure sick lies. I need to cut it off. Period. Thanks for listening honey. God Bless You and your situation!

Alex says September 8, 2020

My sons Father is a narcissist. I should have known, when I was pregnant he was terrible to me and pretty much kept me prisoner at home while he went and worked, no transportation and didn’t have a job. I thought after having our son would change. No still the same selfish person who only cared about their own wants. He has a substance abuse issue he blames on me and every bad decision he ever makes he claims to take accountability for at first and then slowly starts to shift blame on me or circumstances that I “created”. He hasn’t lived with us since my son was 1 1/2 , we are not married, there is no court order, so in my state I have sole custody right now. I have tried going no contact but I feel bad for keeping my son from his father, but either way it is a lose lose. His father is in his life and he will be damaged.. More than our relationship has already damaged him, if his father isn’t in his life it will damage him. I am overwhelmed about the decision and the thought of a custody battle. He is currently on probation and drug court and has been in and out of jail so many times for failing drug and alcohol tests, yet still goes into a bar. Just a complete disaster I am in

    Rachel says October 14, 2020

    You’re not alone.

    Joy says November 22, 2020

    Alex. Ive been there 27 years.3 boys. Kids just need you to modle what a good person looks like and know they are loved and wanted . even with a narc in there lives. One solid loving person can make all the difference. You can do this . get away from the Narc.

Akanksha Clancy says August 12, 2020

My husband is a narc and after my traumatic brain injury. I was isolated from everyone and stay with my parents and my little son ,being a teacher i am working very hard and feeling stressed, please help me what should i do to change the behavior of my husband he abused me a lot and having extra marital affairs, I don’t know how will i manage and live my life peacefully with a Narcissist husband

    Kim Saeed says August 13, 2020

    Hi Akanksha, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I had better news, but if you believe your husband is a narcissist, there is virtually no chance that he will ever change. Can you move out and live with a family member?

    Kim Xo

Tali says August 9, 2020

I can reformat this a bit differently but it is the same. I guess I have had this all along and never knew. Unfortunately the narc in my life isn’t my husband or even my ex husband (though he was a lazy manipulative jerk), it is my oldest son. I came to this site hoping for tips for my other younger children my husband and myself to survive just one year six months longer. When he turns 18 I’m taking the family and moving so far away and not telling him where we are going, but we at least we will be free. So long I have waited for this end to the exhaustion so I can spend my love and energy on those that appreciate it… even need it. Not many people talk about the narc child though, I guess because they believe the parents must be themselves. Not to mention the best advice-no contact- is impossible with a minor child, even if they use extreme violence to enforce their way. Its almost over though and I appreciate this site, it helps me realize I’m not alone at all.

M.Cole says July 17, 2020

I am all of these things and SCARED. If I ever say anything back or stand up for myself he becomes very scary and violent. I’m ready to leave but mostly scared that he will do something to me and the kids. How do I know if he’s bluffing or for real??

    Tee says March 25, 2022

    M.Cole, take all threats seriously. Build a support group. Separate your assets and build your own financial support. Don’t be transparent or tell him anything. Respect him by asking his opinion on basic stuff, like what would he like for dinner. Keep all conversations with him short and to the point. Gain knowledge on this behavior disorder. Build your self-esteem. Devise a plan of escape to one of your supports. When the time is right, leave and don’t look back.

Heidi scho says July 8, 2020

It’s me I’m married to it 5 1/2 years
I was a stay at home wife took care of everything literally that he or any family member needed
Be there for every whim predict what he might need dress for him never had access to money he did it all never shopped except at grocery unless we were together he explained to me why would I without him .. had to put on fashion show at home once we shopped
Sex and more sex and sex on shopping trips he can not get enough three times a day and he’s 65 Even on periods he wanted to shave me wipe my urine
All while forgetting he was cheating lying and keep contact and doing for past girlfriends
I left 60 days ago I’m sure he know exact days lol but I’m at my sons no money all I have is my car and he text me all day all day wanting me back I meet him for coffee and talk. It it’s badhe will not change I know but what will I do how can I be better he’s constantly thinking of ways to act like I have been bad
But I’m not I did everything he wanted I have no friends he took me away from my family

Angela says May 31, 2020

1. You almost always feel alone. – Feeling of abysmal loneliness. Accompanies me as long as I live. Nobody – absolutely no one – truly understands me. That is why I shun emotionally deep relationships. I will be left alone once again. The cause of it is a deep childhood trauma, C-PTSD, which I am working on for the last two years.
2. You don’t feel good enough. – I can do whatever I want, it’s never enough for him.
3. You feel engulfed by the relationship. – … his permanent monologues, as if I were merely his soundboard … few of my former friends found his acceptance … “You should cut you hair again.” “I don’t like you wearing this headband.” “Do you really want to go out in sandals? What will people think!” … making critical comments about my food habits without being asked for … walking on eggshells for 40 years now!!! In my mind, I used to liken him to a circular saw with a broken control or to an emotional disturbed bulldog – you never know when it will go off (and tear you to pieces).
4. You’ve begun to compromise your personal integrity and values. – I stopped to believe in God (or at least to being concerned with religion) right at the beginning of our relationship, because he was so contemptuous of it.
5. You feel unworthy due to their name-calling. – “C*nt!” “Sc*m!” “You’re not even able to do (this or that)!” “Stop wailing!”
6. You are exhausted by the repeated cycles of Hurt and Rescue. – Silent treatment as the most used punishment of choice. He would never abandon me physically. Never. And I’m not afraid of him leaving me – if anything, I would prefer that over me leaving him. But emotional abandonment. And guilt-tripping me.
We are married for 40 years. In the last months, it got much better. Because he’s afraid as hell, that I could leave him after all. But I know that it is just the lull before the next storm, I don’t even trust him as far as I can spit.
After reading a bunch of your articles, Kim, plus the comments to them, I am seriously suspecting that most of my continuously worsening physical complaints are a result of having suffered 60 years of physical (my father) and emotional abuse: chronic migraines, obesity (106 kg), lipo-lymphedema stage 3, beginning arthrosis of the knee joints (there’s even something like posttraumatic arthrosis!) – and first of all a continuously depleting energy level. That’s what is frightening me the most when it comes to moving out – I’m physically absolutely unfit for painting walls, packing, hefting and being all day on my feet. Plus fear of the resulting drama, of course.

[email protected] says May 9, 2020

Thank you sweetheart ??????????

Another useless female says April 25, 2020

I no longer have to experience living with a narcissist. I was married to one for 32 years up until his death in 2011. But my question is how does one go about to get deprogrammed from all the BS he put on you all those years? I’m better then I use to be, I stand up for myself and vocalize my wishes, concerns, and dislikes. But then there are days I feel like I use to all those years ago. Feeling lonely, not good enough, not worthy and so on. And I don’t understand why I find myself feeling like that at all. My life is good now not perfect but then again who does.? When my husband and I were married for 27-28 yrs I finally mustered the courage to walk away from him. But trust me he wasn’t to far behind me. Then 4-5 yrs passed and then he had passed away. Regardless of situation I loved him with all I had. People ask me how could I still love him after all he has done. I’m just like I don’t know how but I do. I just can’t continue to making a life with him. If any of that makes any sense to anyone. Cause it really don’t to me even still to this day I don’t understand. But anyway how do u get deprogrammed when everything in ur life is going like it should be.
Thank you looking forward to hearing from you

Inga says April 1, 2020

These “people” are monsters.Too bad they can’t be licked up!

Nameless says March 7, 2020

So you ladies may be in the majority but we guys have to deal with it also.
I woke up one day and didn’t know who she is or was after 16 yrs. We aren’t married, she had her boy toy who left her after having his way.
#s 1-6 are spot on. I left and like a fool came back but even though, mired in this cess pool, just about to do it for me this time.
I won’t come back.

Just sign me as “I love her dearly” but it will never work. Just present the best version of me everyday I can, I’m human and fail at times, don’t want her to change, just want her to have to experience the overwhelming loneliness that a narcissist can inflict on someone they never loved and have a place for in their heart.
How can that be when she is so heartless???

Martha says February 29, 2020

I’m on my third and hopefully final narc relationship. This one I’m in now has been for 12 years. Since becoming aware and accepting that this is the pattern from my upbringing and childhood, I’ve been empowered to set strong boundaries, deal breakers and not feel guilty for spelling out MY wants and needs typed out on a piece of paper with him signing it. He was angry and gave me a bad attitude when after years of telling him only falling on deaf ears, he saw it on paper. It was difficult for me to give him these “rules” and he did try to make me feel guilty and “how dare I pose these onto him” I stood my ground and didn’t waiver. It feels good to get my power back. I’m becoming quicker to see the subtle power plays and manipulation and bring it out in the open and say “I know what you’re doing” and call him out on his abusive, manipulative behavior. Watching if he respects my rules and him doing subtle things to “test” me has been rather fun to watch and call him out, standing my ground. Again, I’m quicker to see it and bring it to his awareness. It’s like being a parent to a teenager. After reading up on the illness and having a great therapist, he knows I’m onto him and I won’t hesitate to end the relationship. I’ve come to accept what is. Knowing now what the abuse is, that I’m not crazy, and I was emotionally abused, it will and is easier for me to shut off the trauma bond and walk away. That in itself has been extremely freeing for me. We are going to the same therapist and she is changing around his behavior and the way he thinks. He wants to change and is trying but it’s my choice to stay or leave the relationship and what makes ME happy without the guilt trip that he can’t live without me because I’m a great supply and he knows it. I’m not waivering on my values anymore and letting him subtly stomp all over them to gain or maintain control. I’m working on my dysfunctional patterns from my upbringing so as to not become entangled in a toxic relationship again. It’s been a hell of a ride but no more trying to “fix” the relationship but rather fix me and he fixes himself. I am ready to end the relationship if he doesn’t honor or respect what I put on paper that he signed knowing he knows the consequences and he was the one that sabatoged it. That in itself gives me the mental and emotional freedom that I was subtly stripped of over many many years.

Peggy L Moore says February 6, 2020

How can I get my adult children to believe that their stepfather is a narcissist?

Beckstar says January 29, 2020

I finally was done when the Mark’s left were ones I couldn’t cover up. I was granted and EPO and am in another state until court.

Cheryl says January 3, 2020

Happy 2020 to anyone reading this comment and a huge Thank You to Kim for putting your work/writing out to the world. I have found great support in reading your material on Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. There is so much material on narcissists buy very little on the havoc they reek in the lives of those in their lives and even less on how we move forward to recovery. Very few therapists know how to diagnose and treat this. I knew I was married to a narcissist about 4-5 years into the relationship because our marriage counselor said directly to his face “you are the problem because you are a narcissist”. This was said as we sought her help when he struggled to transition from couple to family after the birth of our first son. What I didn’t understand was happening is, he couldn’t bear the circumstances of a situation that took my full attention off of him; even the birth of our son. Before this day, I knew he wasn’t normal but like many people who get into relationships with these people, thought I could do something to “make him a nicer person”. If only I was more amazing, he’d be happy. Or the classic “he had a rough childhood so if I just love him enough and show him how to be wonderful, he’ll finally get it and be so grateful I loved him enough through it all”. Such BS. All of it. I stayed for 14 years mostly because we have 2 children. To this day, I still marvel I had the courage to leave because by the time 14 years had passed, I was a shell of the person I was when I met him. Even almost 6 years later, I’ve had moments were I struggle because, as other people on this forum have commented, when you have children, no contact is not possible. However, I do want to post some hopeful information. I finally found a therapist who understands toxic people like him and with her help, we drafted a sort of constitution for co-parenting rules. I explained to him that it was with the guidance of a PhD expert in co-parenting that these rules were created. This is important because the one thing you can count on is a narcissist NEVER wants to be seen by a third party – especially someone considered an expert. They hate being ‘caught’ because it makes them look bad which is something they will go to great lengths to hide from the general public – behind closed doors is another matter but once you take that opportunity away from them, it does get better. Vigilant boundary protection is the only solution. NEVER let them break any of the rules because if you do, they won’t respect you or the rules. Trust me, they will try and you must scold them immediately IN WRITING. Document EVERYTHING. It helps you feel sane because what I know to be true is we all question that we are the crazy one. When you write it all down and read it to a trusted friend or therapist, it helps you to know, you are perfectly ok. What we all likely share are common traits of being martyrs, believing in people’s potential and having weak boundaries. Many of us were likely bright, shiny people that dark, takers like these types gravitate to. There is hope. Truly. I cannot tell you the peace and calm I have felt by just implementing tight control over the rules of engagement with this person with the help of a 3rd party overlooking. This is not the time to hide from the world. Tell every single friend you trust about what is happening. Having people bear witness to your experiences helps you see them and to know that it is not ok. This is real and the PTSD is real It’s not because you weren’t tough enough and the litany of things we will bash ourselves with. These people are sneaky and manipulative and just plain sick and their very survival depends on keeping you dependent.
They can’t risk you finding out that they don’t deserve you. You are not weak because you believed in their potential. They are to be admonished for taking advantage of someone who was kind, giving and wanted the best for them. Best of all, once you have been through this and given yourself the tools to recover, trust me when I say, you will see a narcissist at 100 feet and be repelled by them. It’s not perfect, but there is light on the other side of this experience.

    Rebecca says January 17, 2020

    Dear Cheryl, Beautifully and clearly stated. I stayed in my toxic marriage for the same reasons you mention. Twenty five years of poisonous arrow demeaning comments had almost bled me dry of any self esteem I had. His surprised response to my divorce request was, “Well, I’ve got to give you credit for having the balls to leave me.” Life is a “catch 22” with these guys. Good luck with recovering your best self. Rebecca

    Hillary says April 25, 2020

    Cheryl I wish I could give you a big hug soul sister! Just know that you are not alone and I’m proud as hell of you for everything you have overcome! -Hillary

Patti Fortner says December 16, 2019

Can this abuse be consudered grounds for duvorce

    Tonya says February 5, 2020

    Absolutely. You all are incompatible. You most certainly can find ways to stay with someone like this, such as detaching with love. However, if you choose to stay, who you may have to become to continue to stay in this relationship will not be who you authentically are. I recently got divorced, but I struggled through the whole process because of trauma bonding and my ex kept saying I was better off with him, although he initially wanted the divorce, but then “changed his mind.” My trauma bonding had me so stuck, but after studying various forums and websites (this one included) and realizing what was happening in our relationship, who I was becoming/became, and the pain that was there, I couldn’t continue to be the person I needed to show up as everyday to survive in that type of relationship. When things became clearer, the choice was clearer: Do I want to be THAT person so I can stay in this relationship (who stuffed her feelings, who constantly had to be on guard to make sure her boundaries were respected, live a separate life from her husband, couldn’t trust what her husband was saying due to manipulation, thinking and feeling she was crazy all the time, responsible for everything, feeling like I am always fighting myself to be myself yet knowing I will probably be taken advantage of because I am just being me, etc), or do I want to be ME?…… I chose ME! I literally told my ex-husband “I can’t change you. I don’t want to change you. But I don’t like who I have to be in order to be in a relationship with you.”

Michael says December 8, 2019

How do I know if my bosses are narcissists?

How Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome Triggers Financial PTSD - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says October 29, 2019

[…] inwards to how the relationship with the narcissist has affected you. Signs of general CPTSD from narcissistic abuse syndrome […]

Ffiona says October 20, 2019

This is a click bait title for vunerable people. There is no such thing as ‘narcissistic abuse syndrome’ and this does not in anyway encompass the diagnosis of C-PTSD.

    Kim Saeed says November 5, 2019

    Hi Ffiona,

    I have several colleagues in mental health, a few who are PhDs. They all agree narcissistic abuse syndrome is largely comprised of CPTSD symptoms. And although Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is not in the DSM yet, it’s still recognized by mental health professionals who have educated themselves on (or have experienced) narcissistic abuse.


    Pamela says January 17, 2020

    Bull crap!! You don’t know what you are talking about. If you haven’t experienced it then you will never understand. It is hell on Earth! So please don’t speak against those who are trying to help others who are being abused!

    Anonymous says April 8, 2021

    Me thinks that Fiona is a major narcissist and visits this site merely to carry on her abuse.

    NSimpson says April 8, 2021

    It is clear to me that Ffiona is a major narcissist who trolls sites like this with the goal of inflicting harm and trying to get attention.

Antoinette says October 11, 2019

I would just like someone to please be able to validate and confirm my worst nightmare…. That my husband is infact a narsasistic sociopath. I am so tired of obsessively searching for answers or confirmation, reading non stop throujgh the night to find them… Your article hit a nerve. If you could llease hear my story and guve me your opinion i ould really appreciate it.

Beware Prolonged Narcissistic Abuse Can Leave You With Complex PTSD says October 4, 2019

[…] NAS is the cycle of abuse that is often targeted by a pathological narcissist/sociopath or psychopath against another they deem weaker than themselves and generally the vulnerable are chosen. Victims with low confidence and lack of self-esteem find themselves trapped in a situation with a perpetrator that only ends at the point that a victim decides to flee or the perpetrator selects a replacement. […]

Frog says August 7, 2019

This has emotionally paralyzed me, and at the moment she will frown at me but then pretend I don’t exist and walk off angrly when i have said nothing. I always feel guilty, wondering what ive done wrong, cant use facebook just in case, cant talk to friends I struggle being with my family. I sleep a lot during the day and have nightmare. It was all stemed from me pointing out her wrong doing 3 years go and its been one thing to another. I have had my phobias used againest me, and when i challenged her her rage was frightening. It was all in my head she would say and then say how did i feel, i told her and she said well that was the point. She gives me looks as if she wants to but when i ignore her she breathes heaverily and get angry. I just simply can’t win…

5 Ways the Narcissist in Your Life is Scheming to Destroy You Right Now - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says July 19, 2019

[…] for them, but it will also lead to the destruction of your mental and physical health, leading to Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Additionally, I’ve read countless stories of targets who’ve had to go on psychotropic […]

C says July 11, 2019

It is sickening that more cannot be done to stop/persecute/lock-up a narcissist & end the abuse when you have kids with them. You cannot go complete no contact because of the kids & the abuse continues on them. It is sad & a shame & most people don’t understand or see the reality. Even supposed professionals can be fooled and there is practically no hope and no help.

    Sarah Davis says October 8, 2019

    I completely agree. It’s overwhelming and hopeless

      Cindy says February 12, 2020

      Married to one of these gems….33 yrs. had to wait for kids to grow up, take care of aging parents, keep my 2 jobs, with working with kids and families living with autism. , to seriously get out of that marriage and not have any issues. It is horrible. To be belittled at least 5 times a day., always being asked “what’s wrong with you”, being disrespected every day. By I got out in 9/21/17. Went to live with my brother.

June says May 24, 2019

On another note. The person with whom I have been “friends” with for thirty years, through you, Kim, I discovered was a narcissist as she had all the attributes, …i thought there was something wrong with ME. And she strongly made me feel that way. Always putting me down, in every aspect of my life. BUT she would find out what I want to do, or where I’d like to go, what I want, etc. and she hurried up and went out and did those things while at the same time smearing it is my face. Or at times when she had a problem i was supportive of her. When I had something, she smeared it in my face telling me it’s all my fault etc. well I called her bluff when for the last time she did it in front of my family. I walked away a whole year that very day and never looked back. She tried to contact me a few times, sent me a birthday card which i left laying on the porch for two weeks. I opened it and read the mundane nothing she wrote and i threw it away. No contact for just over a year now and I’m not in the least bit unhappy for it. In fact i AM happier for it. And am reconnecting with my real friends and that feels good as I can be myself around them.

June says May 24, 2019

I just don’t understand how a narcissist can develop such a complex condition on their own and do the damage they do. In my experience, I know more people who are narcissists than good people…and good people are rare. Maybe it’s just the state i live in. I lived in Alaska for several years in a very small community and they were ALL good people, though not without their own issues, wants and needs. NO one acted like that there. And I move here and it is everywhere. I was in a school that had five students. Two of them were narcissists. Belittling and insulting, spreading untrue gossip to my friends, the whole works, the epitome of narcissism. I had asked a friend whom I trust about how people haven’t been taught respect and decency towards other people like I learned in school at a young age. She was involved in the school system her whole working career. I said, “don’t they teach that in school?” And she said, “no”. They don;t seem to be learning that at home…but it is in my opinion that they just don’t care about that stuff anymore. I’ve been alone all my life though i had neighbors in two different places who had all the attributes of a narcissist. I am comfortable living along and wouldn’t have it any other way. But people out there are just rude, they don’t care, and they couldn’t care less about me. I am friendly, courteous and decent to people. You know what that means now? That I’m trying to put the moves on people and there is NOTHING in my life that proves that. So I just stay home and I dont care. It was a rude and crude awakening. And I have adjusted my life and self accordingly.

    Diana says December 9, 2019

    I agree, June, but when the president of the USA is a malignant narcissist, it’s only logical that he is supported by a narcissistic culture. I also spend a lot of time alone due to exactly the behaviors you describe, and being friendly can be misinterpreted in our highly rude-but-sexualized country.

    Nicolas says December 30, 2019

    I think they are demonic, maybe not all of them, I think certain cultures create vessels for them to dwell in as they serve the feeding frenzy of the vampiric and help create more broken people, it’s an epidemic, the world turned dark, creatures easily take advantage of innocents it’s like shooting fish, evil attacks the heart and seperates people from themsleves and others and even worse their children who get really effed up and there you have another generation ready for the taking

Veronica Kennedy says May 16, 2019

First Kim I’d like to say thankyou for all this wonderful help your doing for people that find themselves in the most worst place to be in life….. im an empath I didn’t know what a narrsisatie was really until I meet it in my x husband he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Everything iv been watching an reading that you have posted has hit the nail on the head he’s here have to go

8 Undeniable Signs It's Time to Move on from Your Relationship - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says April 12, 2019

[…] crazy, suspicious, and are unable to function in your daily life, it’s an indicator that you have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and need to […]

Matteo says March 13, 2019

I lived what I read. … and I think it took 39 years of horrible life with my mom and brother in the cemetery to get to someone who knows the truth about my story.

Julie says March 9, 2019

Not all narcissists will be overtly overt rage, shouting, name calling. Please, please understand some are far more self controlled, far more subtle in their abuse and far, far more deadly.

    Kim Saeed says March 10, 2019

    HI Julie, that’s true. Not all abuse is obvious…but there’s still an inner knowing. We can feel it when something is not right. It’s still as important to listen to these inner signs and leave as soon as possible.

    Liza Alexandra Madigan says April 1, 2020

    I can’t even get a cohesive sentence out right now between my tears. I am a bright, dynamically witty, deeply empathetic person who enjoys nothing more than planting seeds of laughter and hunting for commonality.
    I am 47.
    I have 3 children.

    My beautiful mother, is, was and always will be a somatic narcissist… “love” or material rewards is her currency of control… her anorexia-glasses made me the fattest thin child. She dotes on my 25 year old daughter and remarked to me, “It’s too bad you weren’t more like Cheyenne. You were such an unloveable child.” That was easily one of the gentler sentiments she expressed. We no longer talk.
    In retrospect, I see now why I married the man I did. Of course, being on a personal journey of self awareness and improvement… I believed, “Take the blame and you have the power!”
    I cannot emotionally handle roaming through and revealing the sequence of perverted details that frenetically present themselves as the story of my life… but let me cut to right now. Those of you who know will glean the gist of the narrative… if there is one thing I am gratefully taking away from it all, it is that, sadly, I am not alone.
    I live in Hell. I am the unwilling star of a modern gothic tragedy. Constantly trying to go off script… but the director is so effective with the rest of the cast that the only alliance I can ever realize is a momentary validation of the difficulty of the role, caged in pity.
    I am facing a possible 6 years in prison.
    On December 13th 2019, he had me arrested.
    We had had take out for dinner with the boys, my sons, ages 12 and !4… thai food. I made some defensive comment about the 2 webcams pointed at the couch and the kitchen… I was trying to communicate authentically… but truth, at best, is met with the synthetic apathy of silence.I know they aren’t about real security. Besides I have always played the additional role of the “House Thief”, guilty yet elusive. He became angry and took off.
    Once again I risked all just to pull off his mask.
    I took the cameras down, threw them in his backpack and took off from sacramento toward a friends house in Davis.
    I just wanted to talk (my recurring amnesia that keeps me high on hope, until I see the familiar end of the cycle)
    We were texting and talking. I said I had no intention of keeping his thngs and that I’d bring them back. He said nothing emotional. He said he filed a police report. He started talking calmly. I didn’t realize the police were there. with him at the house.

    And then… I ran out of gas. I pulled off on the dark frontage road. I contacted a friend and he arranged a ride to take him to get a can of gas to bring me.

    I talked to Him again… he said he knew where I was because his ipad was in the bag I put the cameras in and he tracked it. I looked in the bag. the I pad was there… but jesus… there was something else… glass tubes and a container… oh my god! I got on the phone and my heart was racing… I said, “I found your drugs!!!!” He said, “I don’t do drugs.” (I still didn’t know about the police.) He said, “Oh I found those in my warehouse and didn’t want to put it in the trash so I put it in my backpack and forgot about it.” Oddly, I more or less think that is true.
    A car pulled up behind me. It wasn’t my friends. It was a sheriff.
    Long story short… what followed was the worst 3 days of my life.
    There was a moment -after being pushed on the ground having my phone ripped from my hands… I urinated on myself and had an asthmatic attack. They kept saying I wasn’t being arrested as they put me in the back of the car- where I was pleading “Call Him, please… he’ll tell you… this is just a misunderstanding”. The Sacramento Police arrived. They were on the phone with Him. He said arrest me.

    I am being charged with 4 counts… drug possession… but the worst is the grand burglary charge… it is a strike offense.

    He has told the DA about finding the drugs… and said he thinks I just wanted attention and didnt plan to steal anything.

    I refused to take a plea. I fired my public defender. My next court date is April 6. I have to dissociate to write this and I am sorry… I know this isn’t the place to waffle on about myself… I am just reaching out for any any help.

    He is a mastermind genius. So admirable in so many ways. I have wanted to end my life repeatedly… unable to see any future that would feel like freedom. I don’t want to die. The frustration and guilt of knowing how everything will program the dysfunction in my beautiful boys… to see it happening. The realization of what has happened to me over the past 20 years… this one vignette is a grain of sand on the most desolate beach.

    Thank you… anyone… thank you for reading this. Just to get it out of me. Just a little… free from shame.

      Megan says August 15, 2020

      Liza, I am so sorry for all that you went through. I can’t begin to imagine how horrific that must have been. I hope you are okay.

      Pamela Bellah says January 21, 2021

      Liza, as unbelievable as your story seems- those of us who have experienced this abuse knows it is likely true. I hope there was justice in the system you found yourself in…and that you save yourself from this monster.

Shirley Akpelu says October 3, 2018

I was called brain dead which made me feel really low. It was done in a joking manner, but it was not a joke. This happened in the early years of our so called marriage. Yes, I have no doubt I was abused and neglected both in childhood and in adulthood. I have since repented and have been set free. I have been NC for going on 2.5 years. I am learning and growing. Thanks for this outlet Kim. Thank you for letting me be myself again.

FREE says October 3, 2018

I am at the stage where I’m angry that I wasted time on this ass, that he didn’t appreciate anything I tried to do and that he could not see anything but blaming, name-calling, lying, cheating,……he is a cold-blooded snake. I am thinking about me now but he is still luring in the bushes. I mean really, you sleeping with someone else and you bothering me…mind-boggling. My new song is by Gladys Knight and the Pips., “we’ve come to the end of our road”. I play it to remind me to stay on course. I’m on month 3 of no absolute contact… Thank you Kim because I play this song after I read your emails. You are always on time.

Catra Ellis says October 3, 2018

I was with a narcissistic husband for 35 years when he finally died and set me free. Now I deal with the aftermath of his physical as well as his verbal abuse. The depression and anxiety! I want to trust again only to sabotage new relationships before they have a chance.

Charlotte Sue Slemp says October 3, 2018

Thank you, your words are always very helpful, now if only I can muster the strength to do something about the situation. The imprisonment feeling , plus my age seems to have a hold on me. I am 71 years old, and I feel exhausted.

Terez says September 20, 2018

I want so badly to tell his wife what he did to me. A year after I lost my husband to cancer this NPD came into my life and nearly destroyed me and I’m still struggling, three years later. I want so very, very badly to tell his wife. And one day she called my house telling me that God was going to get me.

Kim says August 9, 2018

Hi Kim,
I have been following you for a long time and have found your articles most helpful. I felt that I was coping reasonably well. However, it has been almost 5 years since my partner and I broke up and about 2 years of no contact and I still have obsessive thoughts . I experience very frequent nightmares about my ex. I cannot seem to break free of the trauma. I have had both therapy and counseling . My experience is still very fresh for me . A friend has suggested I have PTSD. I’d be interested in your thoughts.

The Time I Agreed to be a Second Wife - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says July 22, 2018

[…] living proof that trauma-bonding and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome can be overcome.  If my story sounds similar to yours, it’s time for you to seek a professional […]

7 Biases That Hinder Your Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 31, 2018

[…] the effects of narcissistic abuse, even though you may already be experiencing some or all of the symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, 3) Continuing to believe your partner will finally do the right thing when they consistently do […]

8 Undeniable Signs It's Time to Move on from Your Relationship - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 16, 2018

[…] crazy, suspicious, and are unable to function in your daily life, it’s an indicator that you have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and need to […]

An Empty Empath says April 24, 2018

I do find it strange that people with Narcissism have managed to snowball society.
They are the only mentally sick individuals who could manipulate the world to this extent.
It’s the victims that have to seek therapy and medication.
Not them. They are perfect after all.
How many Narcissist’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to hold the bulb and of course the world revolves around them.

    Kim Saeed says April 30, 2018

    Astute observation!

    Kim XoXo

    InvisiBlonde says April 30, 2018

    LOVE the light-bulb joke; LOLOLOL!

    And I agree; that is quite an astute observation. It’s like, there IS no answer to that.


Tatiana says April 23, 2018

Good for you, I stayed way too long, 10 years, until I basically convinced myself that we were never going to go anywhere. He strung me along for years with vague promises that he never made an effort to realize. I dont know how he did it, but I was taken for a ride.

    Carol says October 3, 2018

    I stayed 10 years as well.

    Lisa says October 3, 2018

    Hi, I think I am in the same shoes as you. 9 years dating and I feel like I’m crazy , he says I need medication but I also am sure he is cheating. I’d like to talk more of here if possible please. Just like to talk to someone who wouldn’t think I’m crazy and could understand for once please.
    Thank you

5 Ways the Narcissist in Your Life is Scheming to Destroy You Right Now - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says April 5, 2018

[…] of supply for them, it will lead to the destruction of your mental and physical health, leading to Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Additionally, I’ve read countless stories of targets who’ve had to go on psychotropic […]

Susan Ruth says April 4, 2018

It seems they have a surplus of energy (their own and ours plus everyone else’s they sucked the life out of) and do intend to kill us one way or another that is the goal and that is the truth…I know you’re out of energy but we have to keep sucking it up and showing up until we are above ground again! Then we can make it to the top of that mountain, we can do it! It’s slow going there is no doubt, but we can overcome….❤

Susan Ruth says April 4, 2018

Awesome choice good for you!! Sincerely

Susan Ruth says April 4, 2018

I’m so sorry Marie I know how numb and in disbelief you are….I had 34 years…I know where you are…thinking of you

Debra Sutton says March 27, 2018

Great Post Kim would like to share on my blog.

Marie Vreeland says March 22, 2018

I have studied narcissistic abuse endlessly to see what was happening to me. In all I read THIS is the best. It is a masterpiece putting all aspects of this hideous abuse together so well in entirety. Years of learning and painfully enduring 57 years leaves me Just five months out now limp, wond

Dee says February 19, 2018

This man is poison. He is having way way too much fun playing with you both. Get out and don’t look back. Good riddance.

Anonymous says January 20, 2018

I lived the exhausting, troubled, fearful relationship described in Narcissist Abuse Syndrome.
What started out as a “dream relationship” quickly crumbled into a one way alley of me serving him and I was never good enough. I felt like his supplier for keeping him happy, fed, supported emotionally and physically. But… I always carried an uneasy feeling in my gut, like a knot of anxiety. At first I thought it was excitement like butterflies, but as time progressed it felt more like fear and dread every time I was around him.
Due to the fact he decided my “supply” no longer met his needs, he searched elsewhere as Narcissists often due. He didn’t tell me but my instincts alerted me that his lies were a cover for his cheating.Thank God I realized the unhealthiness of this one sided destructive relationship and after 18 months I bailed!!
I was lucky enough to not stay nor try to reinvent myself for his selfish needs. All the clues were there but I didn’t know such a Syndrome existed until I started researching psychological problems and symptoms. He was and is a textbook example of a person suffering from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome! And I am an example of a woman recognizing that I needed to get out quick and I did.
What’s more is I have NEVER regretted leaving and I don’t look back!

Michelle Farris says December 31, 2017

I filed for divorce 5 times without him knowing and kept withdrawing them, cause he’d change for a bit,or I would somehow get a little more energy to go on another 6 months. Then I filed one day,I was dead inside,I didn’t withdraw it I told him I wasn’t going to go through with it. I left him that night in the hotel room I had paid for Because he had us evicted from my apartment of 5 years,80,000$ used where? Jewelry he pawned, brand new car my parents had bought me that he decided was his and ended up ruining.. I left that hotel room and went to the court house and I stood in front of the judge waiting for a divorce. Praying he wouldn’t show up at the courthouse. I was given a divorce by default. But it wasn’t over. He tried to have it over turned,then started his threatening. Now he has a warrant for his arrested as he fled the state leaving me again with nothing. Owing over 8,000 in child support and 12,500 in spousal. Now the state of Washington has arrested him and is sending him back to court here. I think I have been numb for the 6 years of our marriage,so much pain… So much hurt.. I don’t know if I will ever be the same again.. some days I just want it to end. The time with him was so bad I ended up with a cortisol levels sky high and now have adrenal tumors and SPS.. I have 3-4 most they tell me. And I will spend it fighting in court with what little energy I have left. They will kill you. Get out early and run and don’t look back. Nothing is worth the fight. I know. I’m out of energy.

Deborah says October 7, 2017

The ex took of to Europe, sold his business, flat and all and threw out his ultimatum at me to sell up and go, after putting the proceeds into a joint account that I would take my name off of! So glad he is gone, because slowly all those signs and symptoms are melting and healing… looking forward to a new pup and an allotment, hot chocolate tastes so good without him around. It felt so difficult at first, especially with another very difficult issue going on, and it was so painful… but untangling from the web and the destruction is turning out to be less painful everyday and more enjoyable. Being alone inside and out with my own company, realising now I have space, time and a lot more spare money to do what is true to me. It is getting better, thank you to the help of boot camp and rediscovering 🙂

Anthony says September 16, 2017

I have experienced all of these things with the mother of my 2 youngest boys. but what i couldn’t understand is before we got together, we were best friends for 11 years, i never really seen any type of controlling behavior. always supportive, could talk about anything and everything then i got depression after coming out of a relationship and she was there for me and helped me through, little did i know that she had now seen me at my most vulnerable and now i was been softened up to become her victim,
we became much closer and even though she was seeing someone who treated her very well, gave her money, treated her to holidays and most importantly treated her with respect but it wasn’t enough for her.
The inevitable happened and we got together only for me to realize how controlling, manipulative and never wrong. 9 years have passed and 2 wonderful boys but it has been a complete nightmare, i am accused of doing nothing when i cook, clean take the kids to school and pick them up, do their homework, take them out whilst she hardly does any of these, She obsesses over the house and i find that i have become so isolated from my friends and family.I finally at the beginning of this year moved into the spare room without saying anything and then informed her that i can not be in a relationship with her anymore.
Mentally i prepared myself for what was coming next and i was totally right. constant blame for everything that goes wrong, pretends to be all nice when her relatives come to see her but as soon as they are gone, turns back to being nasty again. I dont even have visitors anymore because of the lack of respect and the rages that she dispays when they come to see me, this happened often in front of my mother.
The boys also get a lot of blame for everything and they constantly seek her approval. I try my best to teach them that there is no need to argue over every minor thing that occurs and that it is not normal, it i so frustrating and a constant battle.
I have been belittled and told that i am not a man, everything i try always fails. It got so much especially when i confronted her about her behavior and was always met with total denial that i started recording her rages on my phone.
I am doing my best to keep positive but it is so hard, i am training to be a truck driver and i also work with learning disabilities,mental health, homeless people and do that around the kids because i am the only one that is flexible.

For all those that are struggling with a narcissist, if you have no children then get out of this situation immediately.

    Anonymous says October 30, 2017

    Get out if you have children too.

No Contact! The scapegoat walks away - Parenting exposed says July 27, 2017

[…] It takes a lot of internal work on ones self to recover their self esteem, lesson the affects of narcissistic abuse syndrome, and to find their voice again. It can be done, and will only be improved upon with […]

kirsten says May 18, 2017

Very helpful article today, among many others. I have yet to come across one where the Narcissist Ex is also the father of your children and you CANT do ‘no contact’. What then? Thanks.

    Anonymous says June 9, 2017

    Court ordered along with no other contact unless an emergency (specified in a text first). That website is monitor able by the courts:lawyers and will send alerts when emails are sent or requests made. Lifesaver

    Carmen says November 13, 2017

    I’m following. Same situation here.

Delicia Spruell says May 3, 2017

Dear Kim:

I’ve read a number of your articles on narcissism and I must say they’ve been very useful for me. Everything described in the article above, I experienced to some degree or another, over the last 11 years. I have finally broken away and have implemented No Contact, however, for the damage done to me, as a person, there’s still much work to be done. I am currently seeking a local therapist or therapy group to help me thru this process. Do you know of any in the area of College Park, Maryland? If so, please refer there contact information to me. Again, thank you for helping the many victims that experience this abuse thru your articles.

Resources part 5 – rebuildingmylife2016 says April 26, 2017

[…] 6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome […]

gigi says April 14, 2017

I also feel as though I have lost and wasted 8 years of my life with a narc partner. And I am still angry 15 years later. I tried to talk about the abuse with my mother, but going by her responses, she also is a narc. So now I have ‘no contact’ with my mother as from 3 years ago, and the guilt still remains in my gut, but getting better. I realize that it was she that was the cause of all my self-abuse from a small child. It firstly started with medicating myself with food from the age of 8 after enduring years of beatings, started biting my fingernails, then smoking at age 11, and drinking at age 12, my mother needed a drinking buddy, as she had no other friends. I tried to commit suicide at age 14 because I was raped, but my mother just told me that I should be thankful that a man is paying attention to me. Then I had an abortion and was told to just forget the whole thing. I didn’t want to burden her or upset her at all. I realize that my feelings were less important and to just shove them under the rug, hence the over-eating and drinking. Now I am i my fifties and have so much anger towards her, but I have stayed strong with the ‘no contact’. Thank you Kim. I really need your kind words in my life right now. Gigi

Smile and Breathe says March 31, 2017

Every single one, and I’ve been out for a while now. Every day is better. So glad it’s over.

Jen says March 24, 2017

This sums up 25 years of my life. I spent 25 years feeling and living just like this article talks about. My husband moved me to Utah away from my loving family and friends in Southern California. Now I am living with the consequences of staying too long. I have divorced and moved on. Although, I am haunted by his actions and my decision to stay for so long. I thought staying for the sake of the children was the right thing to do. BIG MISTAKE Ever made. So, leave as soon as you read this. children deserve to have a happy momma and see her treated right. I got 25 years worth of stories of how I did it all wrong.

    Evie says March 27, 2017

    I too, stayed, for 25 years, for the kids. My thinking was that they have a father who was only with them for short periods of time because of his work. If I left, the time would be split 50/50. He would have MORE time with them after a divorce. By staying I had more control over how their time was spent. I do not regret that. Give yourself a break, Jen. You did the best you could with the hand you were dealt.

    tess says June 16, 2017

    same here. a total of 30 years, confused. i left just before our 25 yr anniversary. The stories i read on this sight help me. even after 1 1/2 years of being divorced, i still can’t let things go. I still don’t get it. Not one of us can figure out a sociopath. Reading this reminds me of everything. I had started to retrain myself to think i was what HE said i was. Now I constantly have to rethink of who I am. in fact, who am I? Walking on eggs shells, feeling like i was on an emotional roller coaster ride, alone without being alone. My ex went out almost everynight after work. He was a waiter. I begged him to please get a day job, waiter is fine, just work the day so you can be with us at night. He promised he would after i told him it was over. He never did. funny thing is when the divorce was final, I still lived in the house and he came home, showered, THEN went out. new change…the shower. I was replaced before i even left the house. He has little contact with his adult children. I feel like he has forgotten his entire past and rather pretend it never existed. His new GF drives his truck, i had my key taken away years ago, and his adult kids were not allowed to drive it. He and his new GF have went on vacation already- “we” couldn’t afford vacation. although he took her to our honeymoon location which would have been on our 25th anniversary. I was happy to read “is he treating his new girlfriend better”? because it really helped my imagination stop-as i know in my heart, he hasn’t changed. He never will. I feel like i never have had an “adult” relationship because my life with him was all about him, and his entertainment. There was always a party,always a side kick. He would pride himself on his fake smile at work and would say, “i just smile and everyone wants to know why i am so happy”….i knew it was fake because we, at home, didn’t get the smile, fake or not. His friends would tell my kids, oh, you have the best dad! The kids and i would just shake our heads….if they only knew. He talked a great”dad” story but actually never participated in any events, if he did it was with a silent treatment because he really didn’t want to be there. Moving on is hard, i am only now thinking i could possibly date someone else. After years of abuse, you are skeptical of anyone who treats you nice. Can you trust them?

Desperately seeking peace says March 9, 2017

And now Im pregnant and cant tell him… He doesnt want children. Everything points to him being a narc why cant I leave! ?

brokenheartedand dumb says March 2, 2017

my ex of three years treated me the exact same way. we are relatively young, him being 24 and me being 22 so we met at an even younger age. i was the first gf he had since coming out of prison. he definetly love bombed me, coming to my house every single day to the point where he ended up moving in with my family and i.he was so sneaky and blamed every problem on me. at times he would be so cold and distant and then be so loving. ive never met someone so full of themself he would look at himself or his outfit in every mirror we passed by while we were outside. there are really great things about him which caused me to stay. he broke up with me one time after a mutual agreement to have a “breaak” within 3 days!! he started talking to a new girl and then had others and i was so broken. he kept saying he wanted to work on himself and find himself…crap i know… we ended up back together and within a couple of months i ended it with him because i couldnt handle how he was treating me he would say he loved me and i was all he needed but his actions proved otherwise he couldnt keep a job and when he did have one he would only spend his money on clothes and unnecessary things, my parents would ask him to put down some sort of contribution to the house finacially and he would always have an excuse for why he couldnt he blamed me for why he couldnt go back to his grandmothers house because she said he couldnt come back if he left again but i told him to not move back in after we broke up the last time and he did anyway. right after we broke up he was begging me to take him back and saying that he would change and he knows how i deserve to be treated and all these things and we said we were going to work on it and the next day he ignored me and within 2 weeks he had a new gf. posting up pictures of them kissing and all these things. it hurt so much and i was a wereck long story short he ended up cheating on her with me multiple times and felt no remorse i also strongly believe he was talking to other girls at this time too he said he would feel bad if it was someone else but bc its me he didnt. he ended up breaking up with her for me and moved back in (im dumb i know) and he treated e great for a while and even proposed to me. he bought himself a ring to match mine and wore it on his wedding finger and when i asked him why bc men dont wear the ring until ater marriage, he said it was bc he wanted people to think he was married. and me being dumb felt so good bc it means he was really serious about being faithful. he wore the ring all the time everywhere. we ended up breaking up again in November bc he was gone for 3 weeks straight claiming he was spending time with his “cousin” who lives close to me and would get mad at me for asking him to come home or text and call saying that i have a problem with him being with his family which was not the case. i broke up with him and told him to get his stuff and he cursed me out and was so mean. our phone bills are connected and i couldnt get off his phone plan unless he gave me permission to come off and no matter how hard i tried he wouldnt give me permission and every month he would text me to let me know the phone bill was due and that was what he used to get to talk to me, he would say he needed an excuse to text me. we broke up in nov and we slept together every month up until now. i found out that he was cheating on me since august with a girl he worked with and that s why he was gone for those 3 weeks all the lies he told me, staying at work late and working for so long and still asking me for money bc he had none, one time he asked me for money to buy headphones and i said no bc i didnt have it and he was like its ok i know who i can was her…he told me that he loves her after he was trying so hard to get me back telling me how he misses me and how sorry he is and im the only one for him. ive asked him so many times if he was talking to someone or if he had a gf and he would say no and be soooo angry and say why can ti believe he just wants to be a better man for me, that was his thing, hes working on being a better man for me and he thought he could find happiness somewhere else but he cant and im who hes in love with but he loves her and all these things but shes ur gf tho. after him tellin gme that he was in love with her i found her on fb (fbi status) and i told her everything bc he also told me that she knew he had a fiance and still wanted to talk to him so i felt that she was just as horrible as he was i told her she could have him and let her know that he was still sleeping with and contacting me and she didnt believe me until i showed her screen shots. she broke down and she was the one who told me everything that happened between them he was obviously lying to and playing both of us. she said he talked about me to everyone telling thme horrible things about me and lies about me being horrible to hiom and he was gonna leave me for her when he was begging me not to leave everytime i tried to end it. i told her how he treated me and i even told her i suspected him of being a narcissist and she completey agreed and said she thinks hes a sociopath! she says he hasnt put her on fb or anythiing and i know he says fb is where all his family is so thats why im the only girl hes ever put there. all the things hes done with me he does with her, calling her his wife, talking about going on trips (which i planned for us last year) wearing matching sneakers and stuff and that really hurts but he was still on my phone confessing his undying love for me and how he wants me to let him back in. while were together hes just saying how much he loves me and how he misses the future we were supposed to have and he locves everything about me and it was supposed to be me and him i sent him this long message telling him that i know everyrthing and i was changing my phone number bc it was the only way i could get off his plan and while he was calling me i was changing it so i did not answer. long long story short she eneded p staying with him bc she “loves” him i hate her too.she told him that she forgives him and she wants to put it behind them and move on. i was weak and went back to him twice after seeing him, we slept together and spent the night together andf i cried bc all i could see was him with her and all the things he said and did he held me and apoligized and we kept talking he would talk to me all the time and it was great. he still wears the rings that he got for our engagement , he told her that he just wears them but they were bought for us, she said he never takes them off and she tried taking them off of him one time and put them on but he screamed at her and wouldnt let her. he told me he wont take them off until he feels like im completly gone and were really over. he said he hasnt told his family about her bc she not meant to be permenant buit ive met multiple people in his family im sure she will soon though. when she confronmted him about cheating on her with me he hung up the phone on her and told her if she wants to leave then she can and he was so mean to her but told her that he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. however he told me that hes in love with both of us!!wth?? how are you in love with her so fast and both of us? we spent the night together and in the mornig i brought up the affair again and he got angry i told him i wasnt going to talk to him anymore and maybe he should just be with her and we exchanged the fact that we would always”love” each other he said maybe we just have ot say good bye now to have a better hello and he asked me what i really waant he said he wanted me but he just feels like we could never be how we once were and im like that s not my fault! he ended up blocking me and then called a hour later saying hes in the hospital with her but we will talk a little later. he had me blocked for 3 days! i called him private and he said it was bc she was with him for those days… oh he lives with his cousin now btw and he hates living there and tells her that he left me for her and now he has to deal with his cousin so she owes him smh… and said that he doesnt think we should talk anymore until im over the situation and maybe i will want someone else.. and he 100% wants to be with her bc i cant get over the situation, were good for a while and then i bring it up and i should move on…i am so hurt and broken and i just never thought he would ever tell me to move on bc he wants to be with someone else. we go through these periods of speaking and then we dont speak for 2 weeks and then he texts me but i think hes gone for good this time.. she put up a picture of them on her fb and tagged him in it saying i love you and he said i love you babe you make me so happy and i just think its my fault and hes treating her better now, even though she said he doesnt he does the exact same things if not worse to her but idk maybe bc im gone it better? its crazzy to know ill never hear from him again but also good but im still hurting, he really chose her like what did i do wrong. why did i fall for it again and just get crushed why did i mean nothing was i wrong in not forgiving him like she did and saying ill put it behind me he always said he hated the fact that i brought up his infidelities and i would say he doesnt love me bc of how he would act. this one really hurt a lot and i cant understand why he doesnt see how this is crazy. he didnt expecct me to know so much about the affair and be able to ask all those questions maybe i shouldnt have said anything and see how things played out? but he wouldve just tried to keep both of us again, he was cheating on me for 4 months with her and i had no idea, i could never be with him, but it sucks to know he can be without me and chose her.

    Judy says November 15, 2017

    I read your comments & relived the on-and-off-again relationship I had with my narcissistic ex-husband for 25 years. Get out now. It won’t get better, it will get worse! Nothing you say or do will change him. He’s using you & as long as you let him, that’s all you will have. Get into counseling, find a support group, & NEVER let him sleep with you again. He’ll string you along like that forever if you let him. You deserve real love. This is toxic love. Real love makes you feel good about yourself & the other person. Get help for you & every time you find yourself thinking of him, think of a Stop sign. & stop! Then, slowly, you will get better. Once you have gotten healthy you may find love. But “being in love” or having someone in your life can’t make you happy. Find your own happiness, then you will meet another happy person & you can build a life together. What you’re in now is a terrible sick imitation of love that will destroy you. Listen to those of us who have escaped: life without the toxic emotional abuser is grand. Not at first, I had a lot of healing to do. But I did it; so can you. Break it off & hold firm No Contact rule. It will save your life. I wish you the best.

      Lou Ann says December 8, 2017

      Oh dear lord, I’ve been fighting to make a relationship work with a narcissist.

HELENA WOJTCZAK says February 18, 2017

When I read this I broke down emotionally and just sobbed and sobbed. You have put into words what he was doing to me, and I didn’t ever see it. I didn’t have words to describe it properly. Until I started reading your blog and other resources, I didn’t realise that what he was doing to me was a “blanket” of interconnected abuse. I thought each problem I had with him was a separate issue. For example, his porn addiction, my having to walk on eggshells, keeping quiet about issues that mattered to me, like feminism and socialism, because I wanted to avoid conflict. I now feel utterly stupid, blind, idiotic, guilty, taken for a fool. I feel that he must be laughing his head off, howling with triumph at how he took me down, peg by peg, and kept me locked in the cycle of abuse for 8 years before discarding me in the cruellest way he possibly could. Jeez I feel so utterly stupid for letting it go on that long. I don’t know if I can live with myself. I should have left years and years before.

    Kim Saeed says February 19, 2017

    Please try to have patience with yourself. How could you possibly have known that these people exist, much less had the wherewithal to guard yourself against what was happening to you? You were doing what we all have done…trying to make the relationship work. The good news is now that you know what you endured, you can begin your healing journey.


    Eric says October 1, 2017

    I have 2 bachelors degree, one in Psychology and never saw it coming…

Connie says February 9, 2017

I’m finally divorcing and leaving. I’ve thrown almost 13 years of my life away. Why did I never leave??? That’s what plagues me. Now I’m grieving the loss of myself and what this means for our 3 yr old. My son does not want to go alone with him so right now he’s visiting 3x a week here and wants joint shared custody. I’m doing mediation and divorce has been filed. Um jut trying to get out, but this spending time with him is killing me and I’m afraid sending the wrong message to my son. But I don’t know what to do. I know he’s not capable of joint shared but I do not want to go to court and give him more of my life or my sons. Right now we are on Tues Thurs and Sun. No overnights, we are working on settlement agreement. I also struggle with what to tell my son. My soul has been raped by this man and his sights are on my son now for supply but I don’t want to alienate my son, I want to empower him to see on his own but he’s so young right now. I can’t continue to allow him in my home but how do I do that and still protect my son??

    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2017

    Hi Connie,

    I am sorry for your struggles and I can definitely relate as I went through a similar situation. I can give you my recommendation, but please know beforehand that I am not an attorney, so the advice I offer is drawn from personal experience, as well as from having worked with others going through a similar scenario.

    I suggest that you don’t go with joint physical custody if you can avoid it. The best arrangement would be for you to have primary physical custody with your soon-to-be Ex having visitation. (you can still do joint legal, but that’s just for decisions regarding education and schooling, etc.) Make sure you are very specific in your court order about which days he can visit, which days/nights and times he can call, and which holidays you’ll have your son. Don’t leave any gray areas.

    Next, I would choose a different place asap for him to have visitation instead of your home. This arrangement will definitely keep you enmeshed in the pain and drama. Of course, your STB Ex may fight against it, but that’s because he’s planning on keeping you strung along indefinitely while he goes out and starts a new life. I would be willing to bet that once you insist on a different place for visitation, he won’t come around as often. (By the way, almost all narcissists want joint shared custody in hopes of avoiding paying child support and claiming the children on their tax returns.) You’ll also want to document his missed visits when they start happening.

    Your son will be better off without having a narcissist in his life 24/7. Divorce is hard, I know, but it’s best that your child have as much stability as possible, and that’s very difficult to pull off with a narcissist in the home. You may not be able to avoid your Ex visiting your son altogether, but you can definitely provide love and a good role model as a buffer.

    Hope that helps!


      Dave D says December 20, 2017

      I cannot believe the things I have been reading about all of your stories and how they all sound identical to the past 9 years I spend with this woman who is the mother of my 2 beautiful kids and who I once thought was the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. MAN WAS I EVER WRONG!!! I always wondered why I was the only person that she treated like crap the way she treated me, but did not treat any other human being out there the same way. Except for my mom who came to stay with us because she was struggling and wanted a change from the town I grew up in in the north. My mom did not have a great paying job here but still a job. My ex could not stand her sitting with us upstairs because she thought my mom would stare at her or just everything mom did pissed her off. so one day my mother found herself a place to maybe move in to. we looked at it but it was too expensive. so, mom could not take the place and thats when my ex flipped out on her, started a big argument with my mom, and ended up slapping my mom because my mom would not move out. my ex was threatened by her. my ex hi both my mother and my aunt and still, to this day, blames everything wrong with our relationship on me. She got so ugly and aweful to me that i considered suicide a few times, i didnt, but my drinking only got worse, then i started abusing opîates because they took away all the hurt and pain i felt being in that relationship which eventually led to worse depression, worse anxiety and mental health problems coming out my bottom. Things got so bad for me at home, i asked my job for a leave to go to treatment but apparently my coworkers talked about it when I wasnt at work one day and decided (this was after asking a second time 6 months later) that I should just be fired because I was no good to them. They all lied to me, pretended to be my friends to get info just to in turn use it against me to help them fire me. After a year of being crapped on by people I thought cared about me at work, to them treating me like a complete piece of garbag and waste of skin, hjer taking the kids and leaving because my drug problem was not acceptable to her so i had to change (even though for the previous year nearly, she ran around on me cheating and lying and even having a relationship behind mine and my kids backs because she was so happy being freef of all responsibility) to me walking out on my job because of all the belittling they did to me, all the abuse I got from my job and co workers even after I put my heart and soul into being there when the company needed someone to work late or extra days on weekends,but when I needed someone to lean on or help me, not one person in this entire town was there when I needed someone. they all just laughed and ridivuled me behind my back. So I was out of a job, after she left. when I walked away from my job, i loved what I did for work btw. I basically now have lost my woman and kids, my awesome job, and my home. I was reduced to nothing because of my obscesion for her attention. Now I live in her basement and one day she met some guy, which she says is perfect for her. Good luck to him but besides the point,. what ticks me off is my kids are showing some troubles now because of there want to please there mom,. he now lives there so I get to listen to them every night I want to leave with my kids to help them because we have no court anything saying anything but I feel trapped because I have no where to go. ANY ADVICE

anonymous two says December 26, 2016

I agree with the comment on therapists. Ex inserted himself in my child’s therapy and got therapist to believe I was being silly about only communicating in writing & exchanging the children in a public place. It gave the ex a toe in the door and has undone over a decade of peace and security for me.
I feel like I’m back to square one. Children have been convinced that my safety steps were to alienate from their other parent and abuse them. The child in college I’m not worried about much as the rewards of that path are already showing benefits but the two I have still in high school starting to follow ex’s path….. In the mean time the therapist who started all of this has transferred us to someone else as they got in over their head without a sign of guilt at how my world is shattering.

    Kim Saeed says December 26, 2016

    Hi Anon 2,

    The therapist may believe you’re being silly, but you can still maintain communicating in writing and exchanging your children in a public place. I still do that do that for the most part, and I’ve been divorced from my N-Ex for several years.

    Unless you have a court order requiring you to communicate in a certain way or exchange your children in a specific way, you still have every right to maintain boundaries which are safe for you and your well-being.

Rae11 says December 26, 2016

I believe I have married a narcissist. There was the love bombing, we were married five months into our relationship. He told me, Friday we are getting married, and I said okay.
I feel crazy a lot of the time. He says I’m unstable. He has PTSD from the military, and in the name of PTSD he left me in an abusive rage, sought out another woman ten years older, then came back to me. Then left. Then came back, and left, stole my money, then came back. Then left. Everytime he left I successfully moved on. I found a great job, found strength in myself I didn’t know I had. Him leaving was an amazing catalyst toward my development. Then he came back. He said he had sought help from the VA, had gotten therapy, had no contact with the other woman. He no longer had any suicidal thoughts. I took him back, and now he’s here.
We argue a lot. I feel alone much of the time, I sleep alone. He says I spend too much money, but he barely works, I struggle to pay the bills. He says I’m emotionally unstable, I know I cry a lot, I do indeed feel crazy. Everything is my fault. And recently he began hurting me again. The last time he choked me I thought it would be the end for me, he would kill me this time. And honestly I didn’t care. Afterward he said I am the only one who could make him feel so much as to do that. I stood up for myself. It was wrong.
I miss the woman I was when he was with his mistress. I miss my strength, my bravery, my excitement at facing this strange and wonderful world. With the help of my family, and my work family, I am planning an escape. I will not go down this way, my end will not be at his hands. I will be the victor of my story.

    Kim Saeed says December 26, 2016

    Hi Rae11. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am concerned for you as this guy sounds far beyond the criteria for the garden-variety narcissist.

    I’m sure you probably do feel mentally unhinged, but it’s because of the abuse you’re enduring inside your relationship. Long-term emotional abuse can lead to many of its recipients being misdiagnosed with Bipolar or Borderline symptoms. I wish you all the very best with your escape plan.


Nura says November 27, 2016

I like this. The advice is good. The big problem I see in ‘No Contact’ is for those who have children and court ordered visitation, joint custody, and a judge who is not helpful to the victim and children.
A lot of damage can be done in those circumstances.

    Kim Saeed says November 28, 2016

    Hi Nura, it’s definitely not easy, but it’s doable. I share a son with my Ex. I’ve implemented Extreme Modified Contact. He only contacts me by email or landline. Every time he tries to wedge himself into my personal life, he gets nothing, nada, zilch. His pathetic attempts to flirt with me when we exchange our son go unacknowledged. I don’t have conversations with him unless it has to do with our son. I don’t even answer his, “How are you”s. I stick to the custody arrangement to a t. My son is in therapy so if anything goes awry at his dad’s we will know about it.

    Hope that helps!

Invisiblonde says November 21, 2016

5. You feel unworthy due to your partner’s name-calling, says the “Dumb Cunt From Queens.”

Tina says November 20, 2016

I lived it, I conquered it. A narcissist will never change his/her spots that’s for sure. My childrens’ father tried all the things you stated. I allowed it for 15 years because I was at such a low point in my life and though he had made me the center of his world in the beginning by the end I was nothing more than a dirt floor for him to walk on and wipe his feet on. The death of his father (suicide) caused him to catapult into such a state of anger and control over me that when I argued with him one time for the childrens’ safety he decided it was time to put a gun to my head. I decided it was time to go with my children even though he threatened that he would take the kids and leave the country so I would never see them again if I tried to take them and leave. He denied it all to the police and even though the judge didn’t believe him and gave me a permanent protection order he still felt he could contact me. I NEVER thought about going back and never had any contact other than through an attorney in court after that. It has been 12 years and all of our children are now adults and for thatI am grateful. I don’t have to talk to him and I have not had any contact with him in the past 12 years because of his violence. I do agree with everything you said. Get out before the narcissist ruins you forever. You are not a worthless person. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. The one thing I have learned in the 12 years I have been away from him, I don’t need anyone to complete me and I am able to be happy without someone. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t accept being with someone, but I didn’t need someone.

    Anna Sternquist says August 3, 2017

    Wow I have been in love with a narcissist for 48 years I am a true codependent. Luckily I was only with him for three of those years. I left him and 6 months later he married another gave her the ring he bought for me. I was with someone else a time or two but never got over missing him and I convinced myself I should never have left that he was the only man whoever lived me. He promised me if I ever cheated on him he would take out my insides. I never thought he would actually do that nor did I ever believe he would or that he could but he did So when a man or woman narcissist says they will but you in the most violent way as painful as it is believe them do not deny they did this too you because it’s too painfull to remember. It happened just that way and my name is Anna

Deidra says January 9, 2016

Hi Kim,
Thank you for this article. I am getting over a narcissistic relationship with my soon to be ex-husband of 21 years. I would love to go complete “no contact,” but I just can’t with our two children. You brought up some points about behavior that I hadn’t heard before, but they fully correlate to some issues that I had with him such as feeling alone, not feeling good enough, being told to quit volunteer work, and being asked to devalue my morals. The latter is where I drew the line. He actually wanted me to be okay with him having another woman move in with us and in our bed. What?? I had already been silent about him secretly wire-transferring thousands of dollars to another woman. He had already started the “discard” phase while still keeping me around to meet his needs. I was trying everything I could do to win my husband back especially for the sake of our children. I filed for divorce on him so that he couldn’t hide or send more money away. I was so confused about what happened to our relationship. Who was this stranger? I kept looking to myself to see if I could have changed the situation. I questioned myself if I should have left him. Turns out, it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. I can finally be myself now and I no longer have to seek his approval. It took me awhile to get to this point. Thank goodness that my friend told me that I was in a narcissistic relationship. I thought that I was going insane after the separation trying to convince him that he made wrong choices. My ex is “never wrong.” He is obsessed with being right. He will lie about everything, make up stories, and place blame elsewhere so that he isn’t “wrong.” He even plays on the children’s sympathies. He convinced our oldest daughter to move out with him when I wasn’t home. Then, he refused to let me see her. He threatened to take my other daughter away from me too. I had to file a contempt charge on him to see my older daughter. My older daughter and I have mended our relationship after some hard months. Her father had convinced her that the divorce was all of my fault and many other untrue things. The judge found him guilty of contempt and sentenced him to parenting classes. The only thing he learned from those classes is how to go against the judge’s orders on the verdict. Even though he lives with another woman and has a girlfriend too, he still tells the children that he wants me back. Overall, I have learned that narcissists don’t change. It’s best to keep your distance. Don’t waste your time arguing with them. Best wishes to you, Kim, and everyone else.

    Kim Saeed says January 9, 2016

    Thank you for sharing your story, Deidra. It’s good to reinforce that Narcissist won’t change and the best course of action is to just leave. I am glad you have made progress in your recovery. Don’t forget to take very good care of yourself <3

Narcissist  | insidemyheadandlife says December 22, 2015

[…] Good read. […]

    Kim Saeed says December 23, 2015

    Thank you for linking to my article <3

xkale says October 21, 2015

Wow. Just, wow. This article basically confirms my suspicion (and I always question it because I have been guilt tripped enough times to not trust my judgement, ha).

I’d just like to add that narcissism isn’t always in a partner – my favorite narcissist is my mother. She exhibits obsessive compulsive/superstitious behavior as a sort of denial of her narcissism, justifying this by calling it fear and “panic attacks”. As someone who experiences real panic attacks (I wonder why!) I know this is false, because panic attacks involve a specific physiological reaction that is not really in someones control, which my mother does not experience.

She has also tried to hide her behavior by comparing how she feels to everyone else – e.g, if a family member says they get really upset over a specific movie and avoid watching it (that was a great article too btw!) She will “normalize” her behavior by saying “yes, I do that too”. The fact is her avoidance and distress comes from a completely different motive – avoidance of her own identity as opposed to the family members avoidance due to empathic distress of something beyond their control.

I also believe that for some people it is completely subconscious – my mother does not believe she is a narcissist and would be angry at being identified as such. Of course this further reinforces the probability of her being one, because from my own experience, if someone accused me of narcissism, I would be appalled at myself and be sure to change my behavior because I wouldn’t want to hurt someone. I wouldn’t get angry!

I think it’s horrendous that loads of people might have a narcissistic parent and be conditioned Iinto feeling it’s their fault. It’s insidious, it’s damaging and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thank goodness for websites like this that help to undo some of the damage. I don’t want anyone to live in fear because of this unnaceptable behavior.

What I’m wondering is, what do we do with all the narcissists!? How can we help them to be better people or at least not hurt everyone else? Can a narcissist ever really change or what? Can these people ever be happy or useful to society?

Thanks for your wonderful work, you are helping so many people 🙂

Anonymous says October 20, 2015

I am almost 4 months out and I am stuck. I know I’m stuck because instead of acknowleging that he was/is a horrible abuser- mentally and emotionally, all that replays in my mind is the day he brought a girl to church when I thought he and I were still dating. My world fell apart that day. All I can think of is that he must have found a girl who was perfect for him, because he could/would never commit to me. He devalued me at the very end and I knew something was going on, but I didn’t think he would do something like that- bring a girl into our church and not even tell me that he was dating somebody else. The things I endured in the past 3 1/2 years with this man shock me that I would stay and allow him to takeover my identity. However, the cycle was we would have wonderful times together and then something would happen and then he wouldn’t talk to me for a week or two and then he would come back and tell me how much he needed me and how much he missed me and I would take him back because I thought each time he was finally coming to his senses that we were supposed to be together. So when I thought we were on one of our “breaks” he had been seeing this girl and then brought her to church. I’m still shocked. I struggle with the fact that if he could commit to this girl and be in a relationship with her for now going on 4 months and however long he was seeing her before, the problems must have been with me. Because he can clearly be in a committed relationship.

    Kim Saeed says October 20, 2015

    Anon, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but remember that these people don’t suddenly experience a character transplant with a new person. It may seem he is committed, but there may very well be some shady stuff going on behind her back…especially if you think he may have been seeing her while also seeing you. Don’t believe everything you see. It could all be a mirage.

      Renny says November 26, 2016

      Dear Kim Saeed,
      Thank you for these articles. I have a dear friend who is in the deep throes of narcissist stalking/abuse from his wife of six years. It all started in July when he asked me to accompany him to a friend’s funeral after attending his church the first time. I learned that his wife didn’t want to go, and expected him to spend all day with her. Anyway, I accepted his invitation out of empathy over his loss. He returned to his house after the funeral, and told his wife that he’d like her to meet me, and how I went to the funeral. His wife turned furious, didn’t want to meet me, and badgered him to not ever talk to me.

      She then sent a detective in August to see if he’s having affairs at work; when that proved nothing…then the process of stalking began in September. She’d start with phone calls at work and asking his manager if he’s teaching students. She then demanded to have personal audience time with him. Then she started showing up unexpectedly to work, to find if I was there. Once time my friend told me to leave quickly, only to encounter her taking a picture of me from her car. This spooked me much. Her showing up at his work turned from a random time, to three days a week. Our collaborative work stated taking a back burner out of fear she’d just show up at a lark. My manager told me that I should just work from home, since he felt that I was the one causing her behaviour.

      I did leave at the beginning of October, only to find out from my friend later that she told him in no uncertain terms that from morning through night, she will follow him and be outside of his workplace, and attend any charitable or church function with him (things she never cared much about, according to others who know my friend). Basically her goal was to make sure he never talks to me, and it seems to work. He’s frightened to call, write, and our constructive dialogue on writing projects have fallen apart. Sometimes his wife would actually just follow him to see that he is going to church, and not somewhere else.

      I have personally have seen her prowling around the parking lot area, looking to see if I was even in the area. It has affected my outside behaviour as to where to go at what time. Two days ago, I attended a charitable event hosted by a mutual friend, and fritzed out of the function when I mistakenly thought my friend’s wife was there, when in reality wasn’t. The next day, I met up with my friend briefly outside his work to explain my exit, and congratulated him for a good job. Apparently, his wife was hiding somewhere out of view; and when I parted, my friend called me later to say that his wife followed right in to his work and accused him of being a cheater for simply talking to me.

      I learned that his wife acted excessively jealous before I ever met him. I’ve given him resource numbers, and tell him that he doesn’t deserve this treatment. He keeps a strong front to his professional associates, but lets down his terrified, anxious self to me whenever he even tries to talk to me about his life. However the saddest part at the moment is that he really believes his wife loves him, and justifies her actions as being from being hurt from having former ex-husbands leaving her for someone else; and that he loves her for looking out for him in the way she does. Moreover, he depends on her financially, especially since she controls all his finances now, so he won’t consider separation. Plus, he feels that he will lose his standing in the church since they only believe marital infidelity is the only cause for divorce. He feels like he’s to blame because his wife would incessantly harp on him about having asked me to attend the funeral. He couldn’t introduce me beforehand to her, barely just met him two days before the event.

      He really believes in his deepest soul that she’ll miraculously change with earnest prayer. They had been to therapy, but it failed. I’ve now taken the decision to withdraw any email contact to once every two weeks, though it hurts him. I don’t know how to let him see the burning trainwreck he’s riding on and get out of it. Yes, the ball is in his court, but if he’s so blind by the abuse, equating it with love, how can he do anything to save his sanity before it’s too late? I don’t know what to say or do that will get him to start seeing the light, and making small steps. His closest friends have withdrawn after hearing from him about his suicidal thoughts from this situation.

      He left me a message yesterday thanking me for a a small book with verses about the power of faith in dark times, and closed off saying: “I won’t be able to see you for weeks, but the time will come..have faith, be of good cheer..keeping you in prayer.” I’ll know in time if it is a small sign towards his exit from narcissist abuse.

      Please keep him (Renny’s friend) in your prayers, as I’ve had.

      Anonymous says April 25, 2018

      The very same thing happened to me probably with a few different twists. For example my xnarc didn’t bring her to church the new supply was his friends girlfriend who was a drug addicted drunk just like him, but I was devalued, it was the most hurtful, painful thing I ever experienced, as I gave 35 years to this lying, cheating narc that dropped me on a dime. We had three kids together that he eventually stopped his relationship with also. He walked away from all of us and has never been seen or heard from again. It was 35 years of mental and at times physical abuse. He was a pervert too. I found out later . Despite all I’ve said the pain of being discarded by someone I thought was someone else was devastating. I have never dated again and will probably always be as lonely as I was while I was with my x he mentally mind screwed me and I let him. It’s unbelievable how this ruined more than half of my entire life

lynettedavis says October 18, 2015

Reblogged this on Memoir Notes.

6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome | Coming home to myself says October 16, 2015

[…] Source: 6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome […]

Beatriz says October 14, 2015

Hi Kim,
Thank you so much for your article. You provide me with wisdom and light.
I feel the point 1 ( You almost always feel alone ) with my narcissistic mother. All my life was like that. I felt I came to the world alone. Without family. Not only because I didn´t feel nobody love me if not I was the rubbish bin where she threw all her evil intention. I could see a little little of serenity on her when I was sick, it was the only thing good for me. I have no contact with her and I feel better. My first boyfriend was a narcissistic man and at the end of the relation I felt abandoned when I was sick with anxiety because of him and my mother. He wasted all my money and all my shiny future at the age of 25, all my possibilities to be happy and live a respectable life. He didn´t want me to wear heel shoes and nice clothes. He wanted to me being unattractive woman. It has been seven years ago and right now I discover all this. I have a son of my second boyfriend. I´m separated now. I don´t think he´s a narcissistics in many ways but he has a personality very strong for me although we have an acceptable relation because of my son. I live alone with my son. I feel free. There´s nothing to be myself in my own home without scary. It´s not my dream to have another partner. Never. I´m a highly sensitive/empathy/INFJ woman and it´s very hard to keep any relation with someone. I´m always hurt. I´m growing with light alone.
My best wishes for you Kim, you are awesome.

Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

Thank you for your insightful comment, Pauline!

mbjuliet says October 13, 2015

This is the best article ever! I lost my girls, my home, my teaching job, my money, and my dignity!!!! I’m working at getting it all back but it has been nearly impossible. I didn’t hug him the right way, talk the rift way, walk correctly even. He constantly complained about my clothes and shoes. I was so exhausted I lost 15 pounds and looked like a ghost. He sucked the life out of me. Pulled me in and then dumped me repeatedly. Please keep writing! You help me!!!Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhoneOn Oct 12, 2015, 5:10:42 PM, Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed wrote:

Kim Saeed posted: “Like many people who’ve endured Narcissistic and emotional abuse, you probably didn’t realize what was happening to you until you reached a point of near insanity and began searching desperately for reasons why your fairytale romance took a grievous turn “

cjh55 says October 13, 2015

Thank you Kim for your article, you told my world word for word…. I went no contact over 10 months ago now, (with a restraining order). It has been very hard, upsetting and I have experienced all the things you have mentioned. I am still recovering and at present reading many different books and also going through a course of coaching. Little by little I am moving forward and know that I will never go back to where I was this time last year. My story is not only with one narc relationship but two before that and it has been important for me to find out that pattern. Thank god I finally came across your site and you saved my life. To the point that 3 separate incidents with women talking about their relationships and it rang bells like crazy… I politely dropped a few pointers and I hope they are also on their way to finding their answers too. Your continuing articles strengthen my resolve too, keep up the good work. Much love….

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    Thank you, cjh55. It’s always motivating to know my articles are helpful, so thank you very much for sharing that with me. Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery <3

      John says November 27, 2021

      Interesting about narcissistic ptsd. I can relate to this . Although my X would have you believe that I am the devil personified. Indeed, accusing me of being the narcissist , when I am anything but , in fact I am one of the most altruistic people you could meet.

      It’s as if , she doesn’t quite understand the concept of narcissism or controlling .

      Yes, I’ve been accused previously of both .
      I ‘ve never been over bearing in that sense . Demonstrative in my love yes. I’m not the kind of guy that imposes rule . Your not doing this , that, that skirt / top is too revealing etc, or constantly on the phone “ where are you “ etc
      Having been asked to help with finances , I mapped out a sensible plane , which was then resented . The individual have in the past had gambling issues and has no ability with managing her personal budget.

      So , she gives me the silent treatment . Won’t take calls, removed me from social media etc. Gone to live with her kids (Adults) no doubt having painted me as the villain of things , as has happened in the past . No doubt why I am banished !

      It seems to me that she accuses me of the very thing she is . I ve endured 9 years of false promise and all I wanted was to be together . When her commitment has been fleeting Like a couple days a week . It’s not how I envisage a relationship . No end game.

      Like convenient until something else comes along .

      We’ve been apart about 8 months now the blanking came after about 3 months . I suspect as she’s found another victim.

      I know it’s crazy , but after all said , I loved her and just wanted us to be happy . No matter I could not do that. Again she’d turn that and say I was the one , that what ever she did wasn’t good enough , never right etc. Yet I always lavished encouragement , tried to show a better way , based on experience etc but she has an issue with being shown ( told) suffers poor self image etc.
      My life has changed tremendously and not for the better . Meanwhile she does the same do , essentially life for her has stayed as was . No interest in togetherness, betterment , aspirations , ambition just jogging along , which is gone , but not when you con someone that you want different and promise togetherness , which somehow is always avoided. Till it couldn’t possibly be anymore .

      I think she’s been fairly conniving and that is very hurtful.
      I am not saying I am without fault but I honestly think she’d have tried the patience of a holy man and she still make them to be the devil.

      She’s seriously screwed me up , but she’ll be the one playing the victim , taking tea and sympathy .
      Sorry to drone on , but it’s help to vent . I just can’t make sense of it and I’m in pain.

Leonardo says October 13, 2015

Dear Kim, Thank so very much for this new article. I am out of the Narc relationship thank God! but always watching for new signs.
I realize that a relationship with a narcissist is not limited to sentimental relationship but with co-workers, kids, and parents. Wondering if you could talk about these.
Thank you again.

Nichole says October 13, 2015

This article is right on. I had a breakdown after nc… My friend wanted to take me to a hospital. I wanted to go to a hospital. It was humiliating. Very informative

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    Hi Nichole, I am sorry to know about your breakdown. I hope you’ve recovered and have found a way to begin healing…

Kay Nicole says October 13, 2015

I always end up crying my eyes out when I read your blog. I miss the mess out of my ex guy. I know he’s no good for me but I find hard to get through the day without him. I definitely can relate to a few of your points: “Compromise your personal integrity and values.” Yup. I recently told him he could cheat and see other women just don’t leAve me. It’s stupid and I know better.

    Kim Saeed says October 13, 2015

    Kay, don’t beat yourself up. This is an indicator that you are suffering from Narc Abuse Syndrome, which is really a name for different symptoms of C-PTSD, emotional trauma, psychological conditioning, etc., which all target our childhood wounds. You are not stupid. I once agreed to be my Ex’s second wife. But thank God I woke up from the spell.

    One day you will grow tired of this situation and find the strength to leave. We just have to be ready for it <3

    Debi Tillman says November 23, 2017

    I too cry my eyes out when I review all of the horror stories and pain that so many of us have went thru . I’m married to a covert narcissistic man of 5 yrs now . I was 42 when we married and this is my first marriage. Its been the most regrettable choice I’ve ever made. I once was popular had tons of people that adored me and loved me and enjoyed being a part of my life . I had confidence and I loved me . I’ve never had anyone take my life into their hands and completely destroy every positive thing person and place like this. I now have no one I’m alone on my own insecure and isolated. I think of suicide daily just to relieve the pain in my life . my spirit has been totally broken from this marriage. Feeling like I’m not lovable and scared inside. Confusion has made me have doubt and feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming. …. After reading these stories relating to every one of them I am going to stay away from my husband file for a divorce and do everything possible to never put myself in this position again. I’m not safe with him and I seriously feel it’s a life threatening situation. I’ve been in abusive relationships before but never have I been mentally and emotionally hurt like this . to be neglected and starved of any connection at all is the hardest thing to live with.
    Thank u I feel that these articles and personal stories has literally saved my life and has given me hope and the strength to let go and start living me again. I thank all of the women for sharing these things . I know this is what I just do without any doubt at all now.
    Sincerly. Debi .

Catherine Moyet says October 13, 2015

These are some of the most accurate assessments I have had the privilege of reading. Thank you for this accurate, point on, well written article. I would love to collaborate with you. 25 years, 2 children and 2 continents with a narcopath. I am writing a book.

Laurie says October 12, 2015

What is really tough about this is there are not many theraptists with experience in helping people heal from this. Or even recognizing it’s real. I was in therapy with a woman who was an excellent theraptist in many ways, I worked with her for many years and made a lot of progress in my life. But then I became involved with a narcissist. I was involved with him for over a year while in therapy. He was blatantly abusive to me and it was obvious I was in a very self destructive relationship. My therapist had no skills for how to respond to this, she ended up dumping me in the middle of one of the crisis’ this narcissist created over and over in my life. It was very impacting to me, because she had been a major sourse of personal support for me.

I have a tendency to become involved with people who are narcissist to some degree and I have sought therapy several times in my life to try to understand myself and change. I’ve never had a therapist who dealt with this specifically or otherwise. The only place I’ve received understanding and recognition is at support groups for battered women.

I see this therapeutic specialization as very, very needed, underavailable, or non existent. We need more people who are skilled at helping survivers of narcissists move on from and out of involvement with them.

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    Laurie, thank you for stopping by and sharing your story. I am sorry your therapist wasn’t able to help you with your abusive relationship. Sadly, while there are good counselors out there, many are ill-prepared to help in cases of narcissistic abuse. I am currently considering going back to college to pursue a Psychology degree with the intent of becoming licensed. You are right, we need more therapists who are aware of these destructive relationship dynamics. Wishing you all the very best.

    Settie says December 22, 2015

    Amen. I went back to grad school for this very reason. Pretty soon there will be one more!

    Settie says December 22, 2015

    Amen! I am back in grad school for this very reason. Before too long there will be one more therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse – and advocates and educates other professionals as well. I promise!

      Kim Saeed says December 23, 2015

      That’s awesome, Settie! I’ve thought about doing that myself, and the only thing that’s stopped me so far is that as a therapist, I wouldn’t be able to self-disclose or share my abuse experiences with clients as I’m able to do as a coach. I am so happy for you and I wish you all the very best 🙂 I do always recommend that clients see a therapist though, in addition to coaching. Let me know when you graduate and maybe I can refer people your way 🙂

joicelizsabeth says October 12, 2015

Thank you so much for this blog. I stopped all contact with my husband and it helps me to read everything and anything I can about my experience. I am have such doubt on whats wrong and what was right . I feel so confused often. I have come to realize that I need professional help. Keep blogging I’m reading and gaining knowledge

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    Thank you for your kind praise, joicelizsabeth! What you’re experiencing is the byproduct of psychological conditioning…but, on a lighter note, healing is something I’ve come to believe is life-long. I’m still learning and growing, even at this stage of my recovery <3

zan56 says October 12, 2015

Unless you have kids. And then you can’t go no contact, no matter how much you heal.

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    Hi zan56, in the case of shared custody, one would need to implement a very strict method of modified contact. I personally share a child with my Ex, and so can vouch that healing and recovery are very much possible, even in cases of modified contact. 🙂

Leslie says October 12, 2015

This is exactly what happened to me! How is this possible that they all do the same thing, is there some kind of manual that they all read or what?

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    Hi Leslie, it would seem so! They’re really just using the basics of psychological manipulation, and sometimes even the process of neurolinguistic programming, which explains why they often try to keep their victims worn out. In this state, the mind is more receptive and, therefore, the mental conditioning tactics are more effective.

A Northern Observer says October 12, 2015

An excellent article which hit an issue I’ve been dealing with for quite some time. Thx!

    A Northern Observer says October 13, 2015

    After cluing in that I was dealing with abandonment issues, I did some searching and found this article which has been a real eye opener, and may benefit your readers as well:

      Kostas says July 6, 2016

      Thank u for sharing the article

    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2015

    I’m very happy to know my article helped bring clarification to your issue! Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      Anonymous says October 21, 2015

      How do you get a them to accept they have a problem?

        Kim Saeed says October 21, 2015

        I’m sorry to say that usually doesn’t happen 🙁

        Frog says August 7, 2019

        That will never happen, never readon with them and never challenge them. Either way you will never win….?

Add Your Reply