Dealing with a Narcissist

5 Things To Never Do If You’re Dealing With A Narcissist

Sharing is caring

While some love can be blind, other love can be downright toxic and debilitating. As an adult, it is your responsibility to secure your well-being. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, the decisions you make today can dramatically impact the rest of your future. 

Leaving the relationship is usually one of the best decisions you can make for your physical and emotional health. However, if you’re still ambivalent or apprehensive about leaving, you should definitely commit to holding off on any of the following choices.

#1: Marriage

Have you always envisioned your perfect wedding day? Have you already selected your stunning dress and created secret Pinterest boards full of nuptial bliss?

Many times, narcissists will try and “lure” in their partners by enticing them with the wedding of their dreams. Maybe they’ll go overboard with the fancy, surprise proposal and start love bombing you incessantly. Perhaps they’ll write out a sappy, tear-jerking Facebook status announcing their undying love to you. They may have you- and everyone around you- fooled into thinking you’ve found the perfect potential spouse. 

If you’ve been dating for a while, marriage may seem like the next obvious step. You may be facing pressure from your family or friends. You may feel ready to “settle down” and start the family you always wanted. 

Even if there have been conflicts or tension in the relationship, the narcissist may try and convince you that marriage will somehow fix these issues. This is a terrible misconception! 

Narcissists may enter into the institution of marriage, but only because someone has passed the litmus test for being good supply. This means different things to different narcissists, but generally speaking, it means they’ve found someone who will tolerate their dysfunctional ways.

Or, if their mask hasn’t entirely slipped yet, they might temporarily commit to someone who will provide them a “home base”, if you will. A place to go to when they need to implement a few good silent treatments to their other supply sources or perhaps want to take a year or two off from work.

Alternatively, they will put on the appearance of having committed to someone to reduce damage control after an especially horrific discard of a former partner in order to maintain the narcissist’s image of being “normal”, while having others believe their former partner is the one who is unstable.

This is why we see them leave a relationship and quickly get engaged or move in with someone else. Keep in mind, this doesn’t mean there is anything better about the new target. Again, it’s simply image maintenance (and a one-two punch at making you feel undeserving).

Marriage can already increase the risk for conflict and tension, but with a narcissist, the stakes are now legally and emotionally higher! The narcissist in your life will invariably have more power over you, your assets, and your future.

And because narcissists love nothing more than the feeling of control and power, you will continue to remain a pawn in their vicious game.

#2: Get Pregnant 

If you’ve always had dreams of being a parent, then it’s time to dump your narcissistic relationship. Why? Having children when you’re dealing with a narcissist will only amplify the problems in your life- and it will bring infinite issues into your unborn baby’s life.

Narcissists are not capable of providing the nurturing, love, and attention that children need. Instead, narcissists like their children when it’s convenient to like them. In other words, children are a reflection of the narcissist’s success. They are praised and validated when they positively boost the narcissist’s image.

In narcissistic families, children experience repeated incidents of their toxic parent misattuning, misaligning, or downright ignoring their feelings. The narcissistic parent does not validate the child’s emotions; the narcissistic parent validates whatever is in their own best interest.

The narcissistic parent may punish children for crying, shame them for experiencing fear, and even quell them when expressing ‘too much’ happiness. In other words? Children learn that their feelings are erratic and unsafe. They learn that they are a source of problems.

For this reason, many children grow up believing that feelings must be suppressed. To achieve this suppression, we see many children of narcissists struggle with substance use, eating disorders, self-harm, and other impulsive or compulsive lifestyles. 

These are the reasons we are now seeing, in many cases, a direct correlation between children having a narcissistic parent and then going on to become a narcissist themselves.

By having children with a narcissist, you risk creating a toxic home environment, which increases the chances for adverse childhood experiences for any children you have with them. Should you choose to leave the relationship after giving birth, you risk dealing with the utter nightmare of custody battles, visitation rights, and guardianship.

And because the narcissist loves power, control, and drama, you can bet the narcissist will go to every length to fight over your children. 

heal from abuse
#3: Buy A House

Buying a house may be the most significant financial decision you ever make. Homeownership can be a rite of passage in adulthood; it can evoke a tremendous sense of pride and accomplishment.

However, buying a home with a narcissist may quickly become one of your greatest financial disasters. First, when you decide to plunge money into a house, you need to be methodical and logical with your decision. You need to consider your options carefully, and while it’s okay to “fall in love” with your house, it’s much smarter to lead with your brain rather than your emotions.

Narcissists tend to make decisions based on what they want. It has nothing to do with you. If they like the house, if they think it’s the right choice, if that’s where they want to live- that’s the home you’re getting! At this point, there may be very little to no room for negotiation.

If you end the relationship, you’ll be stuck with a legal and financial nightmare sorting out the next steps. Likewise, most narcissistic partners will try and scrounge for absolutely everything they can get their hands on. 

#4: Quit Your Job And Move Away 

Is your narcissistic partner trying to pressure you into moving somewhere new? Have they landed a new career that represents a seemingly perfect and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Or have they decided that it’s time for the two of you to have a fresh start away from all the people you love?

In healthy relationships, partners will need to compromise from time to time. However, these compromises are mutual. Both partners discuss their needs openly, and they speak from a place of respect and compassion.

Narcissistic partners only care about their needs. If they decide it’s time to pack up and relocate, then they expect you to be on board as well. If you give in, you risk abandoning your own identity. You risk losing your support system and your sense of fulfillment. Likewise, you risk losing the safety net that can rescue you if and when you decide to leave the relationship.

When narcissists suspect trouble in the relationship, they often resort to drastic measures to restore the power and control. This is why they will attempt to pressure you into making intense decisions that don’t take your needs into consideration.

#5: Put Your Future On Hold Waiting For Them To Change

This is perhaps one of the most insidious factors in narcissistic relationships. You want to be with your partner. You want the happy storybook ending. There’s just one thing: you want your partner to change. You know something is terribly wrong, and you believe that if that changed, all your problems would be solved.

This faulty thinking is dangerous. It prevents you from living to your full potential. You risk falling deeper into the bottomless abyss of narcissistic abuse. 

There isn’t a narcissism cure. People change only if and when they want to change. Moreover, they change only if they are willing to put in the effort, work, and discipline needed to fix their flaws. Because narcissists do not recognize the need for change (or recognize any flaws whatsoever), there is no incentive for new behavior.

As a result, you end up wasting time and missing out on potential opportunities. You sacrifice your own sanity and well-being under the false pretense that something different will happen.

Final Thoughts On Dealing With A Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist is obviously challenging. If you have already invested valuable time and resources into your relationship, it’s easy to continue justifying large decisions.  But, the longer we stay in these toxic environments, the harder it is to leave and the more damage we receive to our bodies, minds, and souls.

Every one of us has had to consider these scenarios and make tough decisions.  But, I guarantee you that no one has ever had a successful outcome with a narcissist after choosing to stay in that relationship.  I know this because of the line of work I’m in.  I know what happens behind the scenes and some of the stories I hear are utterly heartbreaking.

The difficult truth is, we must hold ourselves accountable for our future selves. If we jeopardize these areas in our lives, we risk severe consequences- both in the present and future.

Are you ready to break free from the emotional turmoil? Are you ready to have the marriage, family, and house- but you know you can’t do it with your current partner?

It’s vital to remember just how powerful you are. You have the power now to stand behind your boundary lines and distance yourself as far away from the narcissist as possible.

Don’t feel obligated to continue giving your power – and your life – away to them.  Even if you are in one of the situations I discuss in this article (as I was when I discovered I was pregnant those many years ago), it is never too late to get your life back on track. 

Learn the applications and theories in all of these areas in the Therapist-Approved narcissistic abuse recovery program, Break Free. 

This nurturing program includes a wonderful private community that assists and supports all people detaching and healing from narcissistic abuse, no matter who the narcissist is (such as family member, spouse, partner, friend, etc.) and regardless of the circumstances involved. 

If you’re ready to break free and get started on the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse NOW, there’s only ONE way to do it: Let me show you how to forget the narcissist and move on.

Sharing is caring

Leave a Comment:

Anonymous says July 30, 2023

It took me almost 20 yrs to learn how to out-smsrt my ex-husband and my neighbor that he was paying to rob me every time I left my house. Scary as it was, I eventually had to stand up to them. You can’t win if you don’t try to stick up for yourself.

Gerhard Botha says April 4, 2023

Thank you for all the info. It realy make the life better for people u deal with in councellng.

Tracey Alex says April 1, 2022

Great advice, but too late for me! Already did all of those, happily and full of hope. I cringe now to remember how I felt back then. After 22 years of marriage, I’m starting divorce proceedings. He has moved in with his mum for now and she looks knackered last time I saw her, and they are both guilt tripping me. And even now I understand things a lot better and I can see how much harm has been done I still feel like I’m to blame, particularly because I’m the one who wants to divorce and he is playing the victim to anyone who will listen. The children are going to suffer no matter what I do now, and my oldest son really misses his dad.
Keep “spreading the word” Kim, and I pray that people will read your messages and begin to recognise the reality of their situation before it’s too late.

Cherie says March 31, 2022

I made those 5 mistakes and many more. If I had only known the term before I married him
Please add a 6th …. Never sign a joint tax return. You will be held responsible. I’m going through that now. My innocent spouse was just denied because they said I should have never expected him to pay his taxes.
I’ve appealed their decision but it’s not looking good.
I don’t think the IRS is educated in the department. If they were they would no I had extremely limited Choices of my own. Lord knows what could have happened even if I refused to sign. I’m divorced 7 years now and still fighting to survive everything left in his wake !

denise says December 6, 2021

Married in May 2021 then beaten 2 June 2021. Verbal and emotional abuse whole of August then he tried to beat me again in September thats when I left. 2 months no contract going to third month. You realise the marriage was not real was married to a monster. January 2022 will file for divorce I feel free from this evil individual.

Carole Palma says November 10, 2021

the Narcissist in my life is my son. The damage he has done to my Daughter-in-Law {really not married} and my Granddaughter who is on the autism spectrum to begin with is horrible. He refuses to admit she is autistic and as such causes her so much heartbreak, not to mention melt-downs. she is much worse each day and there is no money or even good cmental health choices that I feel that she will never recover, or even get herselp under control. She is 14

    Danielle says November 13, 2021

    Dear Carole Palma, I can relate sadly. I had to go no contact because I just could not take anymore heart break and abuse. My ex husband and my son are both narcissists who actually hate each other, yet they band together to harm me whenever they could. These narcissists are on a fast road to hell, they are destructive to evreyone around them and ultimately themselves. It is so sad… I tried everything to be heard, to help, to reason, to love … nothing works. Their heart is set on destruction… give them over to it… Save yourself.

      Mary says April 2, 2023

      I too am the victim of husband and son narcissists. I’m 20 years post divorce, ex-husband finally deceased. But , I’ve had to escape to another state and in hiding from the son because he is so dangerous. He learned how to be the worse possible human from his father and uncle. I have no doubt if I remained after my parents passed, they would have killed me. Save yourself.

Saralyn says November 9, 2021

What if it’s your mother-in-law who is the narcissist? I am having a difficult dealing with her. I could write a book on what all she had done to me, then it was my husband she also started to attack as well. He put his foot down when he began to realize all she was doing.

Brenda says November 9, 2021

My brother is the narcissist in my life. My mother and father enabled him his whole life. He emotionally, financially and health wise bankrupted them. Every thing was their fault no matter what it was or his part in it. When they passed he turned to me. It didn’t help when my mother – on her death bed begged me to take care of him. He has been in prison more than in the free world,. I tried to help him but between the drugs, and the narcissism I had to move him out of my house. He went back to prison and while in prison was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I folded and got him released to me on compassionate care, got him set up with oncologists and SSI. It took less than a month for him to hit the streets and drugs again (made easier by the cancer). I returned to being everything wrong in his life, I was too sensitive, I was a bully, I had my foot on his back keeping down. I was called names – awful names, I was ugly, mean, not doing what our mother would want. He broke my windows , doors, put holes in the wall, threw things at me, and finally in a fit of rage because I said no to him about something put his hands around my neck. I had him arrested and he has lived on the street ever since. His cancer is in remission but he still accuses me as being the reason he has cancer, I went to a psychologist who says I have PTSD. It has been 1 1/2 years and I still panic if I even think of having to see or talk to him. In the last months he was around me I changed into someone I didn’t know. The only way I could deal was to be as mean as hateful as he was. I don’t know if I will ever fully recover.

Anonymous says November 9, 2021

Thank you … soooo right

Tanya Gwizdalla says May 5, 2021

I made the mistake of marrying my discovered Porn addicted covert victim narcissist partner
After a year he’s still begging and pleading I’m struggling only because I invested so much and I’ve finally got him to agree to divorce and I’ve realised it takes time to heal, letting go of what I thought it was and who he was the silver lining is seeing my patterns with men like this and taking responsibility for trying to fix and change someone like this
Never again

Ana says August 26, 2020

This is a very good article & it truly explains what happens to victims of narcissistic partners!
I had no idea that my ex husband was a narcissist until our relationship started having issues, thanks to his lies, his deceit, & his selfishness.
When we went through our divorce, which he had requested, he tried to stall the divorce process (even though he had filed for the divorce)!
During our divorce, he tried to take everything he could from me & has attempted to eradicate me from our children’s lives.
After being in & out of court for 2 years, I finally won my freedom! However, it came at a very expensive emotional & financial price!
If I can survive everything that I had to experience, I know you can too!
I hope I can encourage you to remain positive, have faith, & know that everything will work out in the end!!!
May God bless you & give you strength if you are also struggling with a narcissist!!!

Trudiann Campbell says August 3, 2020

I must say this was a spot on good and sad read. You spoke on all matters I could relate to and even abuse in all forms was apart of the toxic 10 year relationship. I have moved out for the 2nd time for good this time after going back 1st time to give relationship one more try. I have prayed I am In a better place and I have good support system around. All the best

NoLongerHis Supply says July 4, 2020

I just wanted to say thank you for all you do; you’ve helped me get past his deceit/evil, and I’m no longer his supply. I’ve been struggling, but I choose to go to counseling to get myself back. Each day is better; I’m still in the missing stage, but I have resources to go to to remind me WHY it was all a lie, and WHY I’m NOT going to open the channels of communication again!

Just one thing – I’d love suggestions on how to return his ring without opening up communication or putting myself back in his line of fire?

Reading through this list firmed in my mind of how much heartache I escaped by getting out before (most) of these things happened. I didn’t realize he was a narcissist prior to moving away from my family (or accepting a ring from him). I only found out after I landed in his home state. Once I landed, he abandoned me within the first 48 hours, so I just got on with my life even though it crumbled around my ears. Not ever having had to deal with someone like him before, I allowed him to keep coming back and love bombing me over the next few months. I just didn’t know. When things completely crumbled, I moved back to my loving family, I have since closed the door on all communications with him, so I could get the needed help to get over his abuse, and back on my feet, emotionally, financially, and in life in general.

I’ve forgiven myself for being so gullible, and not doing more to see what type of a person he was, and I have worked hard these past few months to learn more about his type of person (narcissist), how to move on in my life, acknowledging the lessons learned in the experience, and just to get back to my successful life, and working on putting boundaries in place so I never have to go through this again.

I love your content; I just needed to say thank you. It has been a HUGE step in my healing. Please keep it coming!

No Longer His Supply

(having to use a pseudonym to keep myself safe, just in case he’s searching for anything I post online…)

Tio says November 11, 2019

It is never good enoungh. Ze doen alsof ze hele goede mensen zijn en de elitaire narcissist en de somatische en de celebrale narcissist. The best for themselves and the worst for another. Don”t give a single damn about other needs wants and what you want and ot is all centered about them. They sell an illusion and a lie.

Maria Nyman says October 29, 2019

The best webpage ever. Never been reading better texts about narcissists before.

Marinela Larsen says September 23, 2019

The only one thing I did from that list is that I was waiting for him to change but he never did.
Intuition stopped me from buying house and having children with him while I was waiting for him to change.
We divorced after 3 years. I couldn’t wait any longer .
Without children and without house, we just had to take our things from rented flat.
It was really demanding anyway.
I can not even imagine how it would be if we had a child or children and house which we bought together.

Marie says August 12, 2019

The ex narc in my life started out like all the rest. Sweet talked me, brought flowers, etc aka love bombing. To be honest, there were red flags but I chose to ignore them. He would flirt with waitresses and when I called him out on it, he’d laugh it off and always have excuses for his bad behavior.

He was so immature too. At the age of 52 he was still acting like an immature teenager. It was embarrassing. He liked to blameshift and say I pushed him to respond the way he did….with naming calling, put downs, insults, etc. I told him there was never a good reason to belittle a partner. Of course, he said he’d change and to give him time blah, blah, blah. I gave him a little over two years. Do you think he changed? Heck no! The name calling just got worse.

Some of the names/put downs were liar, hypocrite, hellbound, $lut @ss bitch, wh*re, dark. He also said he hopes I get AIDS and also said a bunch of nasty dirty things as well.

Once he called me the dirty names, I ended it. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but he ain’t all that. Now he’s coming around with his crocodile tears asking for another chance. He’s swearing, promising, and pleading that he’s given up his stupid ways. He wants me to believe him. Nope! I’m done with his nonsense. And like others have said, it just gets worse. It did….and I kept tolerating it while I could tell it was affecting my emotional and physical health. Nah…he can go kick rocks.

Prior to this guy, I had never really experienced narcissism to this degree. It is creepy. I was confused. I didn’t understand why an individual would do and say the things he did. Now I know!

Please….if you find yourself involved with NPD individual, just end the relationship and move on with your life. I’d rather be alone now than with that creature.

    Panda says September 4, 2019

    Hi, it sounds like you’re dealing with a psychopath. Most psychopaths are highly narcissistic so it’s hard to tell if they have a personality disorder or if they’re psychopathic. Especially when many people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are a bit psychopathic. Does that make sense? By nature, true psychopaths are sexually abusive. Those names he called you were meant to set you up for further sexual abuse. Calling you “hellbound” is a dangerous sign, because he’s literally saying that he’s planning on dragging you there himself. Please stay away from this man at all costs. Remain aware, and the best thing to say to him when he contacts you is, “I’m not supposed to speak to you. You know why.” This scares psychopaths – they always know or suspect what they are.

      Sarah says September 21, 2019

      You are spot on! Thank you for calling a spade a spade here. Clear labeling is so important and we need help with that, I’ve found. It can be difficult when we are still naive, blind, numb and in conditioned denial…hope to read more. Do you have any other resource suggestions? Thanks!

      Marie says March 11, 2020

      Thanks, Panda for your reply! I am staying away from him and have gone no contact. It feels so good to have peace in my life once again. The ex narc always caused some sort of drama. He was also rude and liked to talk over me and interrupt. At first I thought that maybe he had ADHD. But once he became more abusive, I knew I was dealing with something else.

      I’m just thankful I got away from him when I did. It hurt at first but now I’m happy again and free from his crazy making.

      Anonymous says May 30, 2020


Patricia Magruder says July 31, 2019

I am dealing with a narcissist neighbor..he likes the essentials oils I guess, but they seem to come into my home quite a bit..also the sound that comes with the diffusers, he is using this to get into my home somehow..hard to believe that someone would do this..I am a senior citizen and do not need this in my life…have tried everything to stop these things from coming into my home, sent nice notes, asking about these things and it only gets worse..I can only think of one solution and that is get out….leave…any suggestions, please!

Anonymous says July 21, 2019

I am over all his lies about me he’s made me look like thrash and himself an upstanding citizen it makes me sick how everyone seems to believe him I have never bad mouthed him to family or friends I don’t lie in the family court he’s making shit up about me I still can’t seem to bad mouth him maybe I’m pathetic

    Nomi says August 29, 2019

    Anonymous, that you refuse to resort to lies means that you are strong enough to face life without creating drama and hysterics. You have a life to live— for yourself. If others don’t believe, so be it; just advise them that sadly, the facts serve as red flags— and then move on. (Ignore at your own peril sort of thing.) Most people just don’t get it— bc they don’t see it. Ns are somehow so precisely careful.

Lisa Ralph says July 21, 2019

I have been in a relationship with one of these men. It has taken all these years to see. I left him. And still didn’t see. He’s now out finding another target. It hurts. So much. I thought I was ok. But he came after me. And now he’s rejecting me. The pain is unbearable.

Hope says July 18, 2019

I was waiting for him to change. I don’t feel any thing. 14 years of my life is gone. When I told him that I want divorce he promised he will change. After few days he is back to his horrible personality. Thank you Kim so much. I decided to leave him.

Add Your Reply