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Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program
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Dealing with a Narcissist

5 Things To Never Do If You Think You’re Dealing With A Narcissist

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While some love can be blind, other love can be downright toxic and debilitating. As an adult, it is your responsibility to secure your well-being. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, the decisions you make today can dramatically impact the rest of your future. 

Leaving the relationship is usually one of the best decisions you can make for your physical and emotional health. However, if you’re still ambivalent or apprehensive about leaving, you should definitely commit to holding off on any of the following choices.

#1: Marriage

Have you always envisioned your perfect wedding day? Have you already selected your stunning dress and created secret Pinterest boards full of nuptial bliss?

Many times, narcissists will try and “lure” in their partners by enticing them with the wedding of their dreams. Maybe they’ll go overboard with the fancy, surprise proposal and start love bombing you incessantly. Perhaps they’ll write out a sappy, tear-jerking Facebook status announcing their undying love to you. They may have you- and everyone around you- fooled into thinking you’ve found the perfect potential spouse. 

If you’ve been dating for a while, marriage may seem like the next obvious step. You may be facing pressure from your family or friends. You may feel ready to “settle down” and start the family you always wanted. 

Even if there have been conflicts or tension in the relationship, the narcissist may try and convince you that marriage will somehow fix these issues. This is a terrible misconception! 

Narcissists may enter into the institution of marriage, but only because someone has passed the litmus test for being good supply. This means different things to different narcissists, but generally speaking, it means they’ve found someone who will tolerate their dysfunctional ways.

Or, if their mask hasn’t entirely slipped yet, they might temporarily commit to someone who will provide them a “home base”, if you will. A place to go to when they need to implement a few good silent treatments to their other supply sources or perhaps want to take a year or two off from work.

Alternatively, they will put on the appearance of having committed to someone to reduce damage control after an especially horrific discard of a former partner in order to maintain the narcissist’s image of being “normal”, while having others believe their former partner is the one who is unstable.

This is why we see them leave a relationship and quickly get engaged or move in with someone else. Keep in mind, this doesn’t mean there is anything better about the new target. Again, it’s simply image maintenance (and a one-two punch at making you feel undeserving).

Marriage can already increase the risk for conflict and tension, but with a narcissist, the stakes are now legally and emotionally higher! The narcissist in your life will invariably have more power over you, your assets, and your future.

And because narcissists love nothing more than the feeling of control and power, you will continue to remain a pawn in their vicious game.

Learn more in this video, Can You Make a Narcissist Finally Commit?

#2: Get Pregnant 

If you’ve always had dreams of being a mother, then it’s time to dump your narcissistic relationship. Why? Having children when you’re dealing with a narcissist will only amplify the problems in your life- and it will bring infinite issues into your unborn baby’s life.

Narcissists are not capable of providing the nurturing, love, and attention that children need. Instead, narcissists like their children when it’s convenient to like them. In other words, children are a reflection of the narcissist’s success. They are praised and validated when they positively boost the narcissist’s image.

In narcissistic families, children experience repeated incidents of their toxic parent misattuning, misaligning, or downright ignoring their feelings. The narcissistic parent does not validate the child’s emotions; the narcissistic parent validates whatever is in their own best interest.

The narcissistic parent may punish children for crying, shame them for experiencing fear, and even quell them when expressing ‘too much’ happiness. In other words? Children learn that their feelings are erratic and unsafe. They learn that they are a source of problems.

For this reason, many children grow up believing that feelings must be suppressed. To achieve this suppression, we see many children of narcissists struggle with substance use, eating disorders, self-harm, and other impulsive or compulsive lifestyles. 

These are the reasons we are now seeing, in many cases, a direct correlation between children having a narcissistic parent and then going on to become a narcissist themselves.

By having children with a narcissist, you risk creating a toxic home environment, which increases the chances for adverse childhood experiences for any children you have with them. Should you choose to leave the relationship after giving birth, you risk dealing with the utter nightmare of custody battles, visitation rights, and guardianship.

And because the narcissist loves power, control, and drama, you can bet the narcissist will go to every length to fight over your children. 

#3: Buy A House

Buying a house may be the most significant financial decision you ever make. Homeownership can be a rite of passage in adulthood; it can evoke a tremendous sense of pride and accomplishment.

However, buying a home with a narcissist may quickly become one of your greatest financial disasters. First, when you decide to plunge money into a house, you need to be methodical and logical with your decision. You need to consider your options carefully, and while it’s okay to “fall in love” with your house, it’s much smarter to lead with your brain rather than your emotions.

Narcissists tend to make decisions based on what they want. It has nothing to do with you. If they like the house, if they think it’s the right choice, if that’s where they want to live- that’s the home you’re getting! At this point, there may be very little to no room for negotiation.

If you end the relationship, you’ll be stuck with a legal and financial nightmare sorting out the next steps. Likewise, most narcissistic partners will try and scrounge for absolutely everything they can get their hands on. 

#4: Quit Your Job And Move Away 

Is your narcissistic partner trying to pressure you into moving somewhere new? Have they landed a new career that represents a seemingly perfect and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Or have they decided that it’s time for the two of you to have a fresh start away from all the people you love?

In healthy relationships, partners will need to compromise from time to time. However, these compromises are mutual. Both partners discuss their needs openly, and they speak from a place of respect and compassion.

Narcissistic partners only care about their needs. If they decide it’s time to pack up and relocate, then they expect you to be on board as well. If you give in, you risk abandoning your own identity. You risk losing your support system and your sense of fulfillment. Likewise, you risk losing the safety net that can rescue you if and when you decide to leave the relationship.

When narcissists suspect trouble in the relationship, they often resort to drastic measures to restore the power and control. This is why they will attempt to pressure you into making intense decisions that don’t take your needs into consideration.

Break Free Bootcamp

#5: Put Your Future On Hold Waiting For Them To Change

This is perhaps one of the most insidious factors in narcissistic relationships. You want to be with your partner. You want the happy storybook ending. There’s just one thing: you want your partner to change. You know something is terribly wrong, and you believe that if that something changed, all your problems would be solved.

This faulty thinking is dangerous. It prevents you from living to your full potential. You risk falling deeper into the bottomless abyss of narcissistic abuse. 

There isn’t a narcissism cure. People change only if and when they want to change. Moreover, they change only if they are willing to put in the effort, work, and discipline needed to fix their flaws. Because narcissists do not recognize the need for change (or recognize any flaws whatsoever), there is no incentive for new behavior.

As a result, you end up wasting time and missing out on potential opportunities. You sacrifice your own sanity and well-being under the false pretense that something different will happen.

Final Thoughts On Dealing With A Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist is obviously challenging. If you have already invested valuable time and resources into your relationship, it’s easy to continue justifying large decisions.  But, the longer we stay in these toxic environments, the harder it is to leave and the more damage we receive to our bodies, minds, and souls.

Every one of us has had to consider these scenarios and make tough decisions.  But, I guarantee you that no one has ever had a successful outcome with a narcissist after choosing to stay in that relationship.  I know this because of the line of work I’m in.  I know what happens behind the scenes and some of the stories I hear are utterly heartbreaking.

The difficult truth is, we must hold ourselves accountable for our future selves. If we jeopardize these areas in our lives, we risk severe consequences- both in the present and future.

Are you ready to break free from the emotional turmoil? Are you ready to have the marriage, family, and house- but you know you can’t do it with your current partner?

It’s vital to remember just how powerful you are. You have the power now to stand behind your boundary lines and distance yourself as far away from the narcissist as possible. Don’t feel obligated to continue giving your power – and your life – away to them.  Even if you are in one of the situations I discuss in this article (as I was when I discovered I was pregnant those many years ago), it is never too late to get your life back on track.  And you can do that by grabbing your free roadmap to a new life.  

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5 comments
Marie says August 12, 2019

The ex narc in my life started out like all the rest. Sweet talked me, brought flowers, etc aka love bombing. To be honest, there were red flags but I chose to ignore them. He would flirt with waitresses and when I called him out on it, he’d laugh it off and always have excuses for his bad behavior.

He was so immature too. At the age of 52 he was still acting like an immature teenager. It was embarrassing. He liked to blameshift and say I pushed him to respond the way he did….with naming calling, put downs, insults, etc. I told him there was never a good reason to belittle a partner. Of course, he said he’d change and to give him time blah, blah, blah. I gave him a little over two years. Do you think he changed? Heck no! The name calling just got worse.

Some of the names/put downs were liar, hypocrite, hellbound, $lut @ss bitch, wh*re, dark. He also said he hopes I get AIDS and also said a bunch of nasty dirty things as well.

Once he called me the dirty names, I ended it. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but he ain’t all that. Now he’s coming around with his crocodile tears asking for another chance. He’s swearing, promising, and pleading that he’s given up his stupid ways. He wants me to believe him. Nope! I’m done with his nonsense. And like others have said, it just gets worse. It did….and I kept tolerating it while I could tell it was affecting my emotional and physical health. Nah…he can go kick rocks.

Prior to this guy, I had never really experienced narcissism to this degree. It is creepy. I was confused. I didn’t understand why an individual would do and say the things he did. Now I know!

Please….if you find yourself involved with NPD individual, just end the relationship and move on with your life. I’d rather be alone now than with that creature.

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Patricia Magruder says July 31, 2019

I am dealing with a narcissist neighbor..he likes the essentials oils I guess, but they seem to come into my home quite a bit..also the sound that comes with the diffusers, he is using this to get into my home somehow..hard to believe that someone would do this..I am a senior citizen and do not need this in my life…have tried everything to stop these things from coming into my home, sent nice notes, asking about these things and it only gets worse..I can only think of one solution and that is get out….leave…any suggestions, please!

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Anonymous says July 21, 2019

I am over all his lies about me he’s made me look like thrash and himself an upstanding citizen it makes me sick how everyone seems to believe him I have never bad mouthed him to family or friends I don’t lie in the family court he’s making shit up about me I still can’t seem to bad mouth him maybe I’m pathetic

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Lisa Ralph says July 21, 2019

I have been in a relationship with one of these men. It has taken all these years to see. I left him. And still didn’t see. He’s now out finding another target. It hurts. So much. I thought I was ok. But he came after me. And now he’s rejecting me. The pain is unbearable.

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Hope says July 18, 2019

I was waiting for him to change. I don’t feel any thing. 14 years of my life is gone. When I told him that I want divorce he promised he will change. After few days he is back to his horrible personality. Thank you Kim so much. I decided to leave him.

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