How to Make a Narcissist Miserable

How to Make a Narcissist Miserable: 12 Things They Hate

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You probably spend a great deal of time feeling defeated and frustrated by the narcissist in your life. You see how they treat other people (and yourself), and it’s appalling.  You certainly know what you don’t like in your relationship. But have you ever wondered how to make a narcissist miserable or what makes them afraid or triggered?

Just for the record, trying to make a narcissist miserable might have its place for a short period of time, but I don’t recommend focusing on it for too long as this will inevitably have an effect on your mental health and energy levels.

But, if you need a quick fix, let’s get into the top 12 things all narcissists hate. 

how to make a narcissist miserable
How to Make a Narcissist Miserable

1 – Lack Of Acknowledgment

It’s no secret that most narcissists revel in admiration and validation (except for ‘closet narcissists’). They depend on constant approval to maintain their sense of intrinsic worth. To achieve this goal, they absorb (or steal) the energy of other people to feel good about themselves. 

Do you ever wonder why narcissists don’t seem to mind the negative attention? It’s because negative attention also fuels their narcissistic fire. The negativity is still attention, and any form of attention gives them the incentive to keep going. It gives them the motivation to keep proving themselves. 

In fact, they often like negative attention better because if you’re still bothered by their relationship crimes, they can exploit this in order to deepen the trauma bond and keep you hooked and entangled!

Therefore, a lack of acknowledgment is a real threat. To a narcissist, indifference is even more of an issue than hatred. They’d rather you have a negative opinion than have no opinion at all.

Narcissists can’t stand when no one is paying attention to them. They don’t know how to feel important or special if they aren’t the center of the universe or consuming someone’s thoughts.  This is also why the traditional Grey Rock method is often pointless and why complete avoidance is the best route (or extreme modified contact if you share children with them).

2 – When People Speak Factually 

Have you ever paid close attention to how a narcissist speaks? They use excessive, long-winded language charged with grandiose emotion. They skew reality to meet their worldview, and they believe their truth is always the truth.

Additionally, through the use of cognitive empathy, they’ve spent their entire lives observing the emotional language of other people and using it to their advantage.  So, when you speak in facts instead of using emotion, they intuitively understand they have less of an upper hand.

Therefore, they hate when someone challenges them with facts instead of emotion. They will usually retaliate with more arguing or hysteria. This childish response simply shows that they feel out-of-control. They attempt to elevate the conversation’s intensity by throwing an emotional temper tantrum.

If anything, this dynamic only highlights the narcissist’s immaturity. Their inability to absorb facts demonstrates their incompetence in approaching most adult interactions. They are not skilled in the language of facts because they are always lying and hiding things, so speaking factually throws them completely off-balance. 


3 – Authority

Narcissists detest authority. That’s because they resent having to answer to anybody but themselves. Any sense of authority threatens their inherent desires for power and control.

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to have issues at work, school, or with the law. Has the narcissist in your life had multiple jobs? Are they frequently getting reprimanded for their behavior?

While narcissists can be intelligent, they often come across as combative and unfit in professional environments. If confronted by their inappropriate behavior, they tend to deny or rationalize their part. 

Of course, it’s no surprise that most authority figures dislike working with narcissists. Supervisors find them unruly and unreasonable. They can’t understand why the person can’t follow basic directions without such volatile reactions.

4 – Being Told No

Of all things a narcissist hates, being told no (and actually following through with it) tops the list. Narcissists are used to manipulating and weaseling their way into getting what they want. 

Often, they’ll pull all the stops to accomplish this task. They’ve spent their whole lives charming people to meet their needs. They never stop to think about how your feelings impact the dynamic. 

That’s why telling them no- and being adamant on your stance- often causes such an angry reaction. A narcissist isn’t just upset about the denial- they’re downright confused by it! 

Narcissists can’t actually fathom why someone would refuse them. Because they lack real empathy, they can’t understand what must be going on in your mind. Moreover, even if they try to comprehend it, they refuse to accept this reality.


5 – Implementing Consequences

Have you ever tried to set a boundary with a narcissist? How well did it go? Most likely, you tried to implement a limit, and they reacted in one of three ways:

  • Dismissing you altogether and gaslighting your feelings
  • Acknowledging their mistake, promising to change, and then doing nothing to change
  • Reacting with intense rage, threats, or even physical violence 

Narcissists can’t accept any real consequences. They can’t see when they’re wrong, and they can’t understand how someone would ever think they’re wrong. And even if the narcissist understood this, they simply wouldn’t care.  As a result, they tend to react disproportionately to boundaries and serious conversations as a means to intimidate you and force you into compliance.

Unfortunately, many people simply give up on trying to implement consequences with narcissists. Because they want to avoid a potential conflict, they surrender and dismiss their feelings. How many times have you avoided setting a real boundary because that’s just how they are?

6 – Losing At Anything

Have you ever observed young children playing a board game? If so, you probably witnessed plenty of cheating behaviors and dramatic reactions to losing. It’s acceptable when the players are three years old, but what happens when you’re referring to full-fledged adults? 

Narcissists can resemble toddlers, in that they tend to be extremely sore losers. They struggle to accept losing, and they also tend to lash out when it happens. A few scenarios may occur:

  • They repeatedly proclaim the person in charge (boss/referee) was incompetent
  • They attempt to defame or humiliate the winner
  • They pretend they didn’t care about winning
  • They insist that they “let the other person” take the spotlight
  • They refuse to accept that they lost and awkwardly act as if they’re the actual winner (you may have experienced this by hearing, after you’ve left them, that they’ve told everyone they’re the one who left you!)

7 – Public Humiliation

Because they are sore losers, narcissists can’t handle real or perceived public humiliation. They just can’t tolerate the threat of failure. To them, public humiliation is the ultimate form of defeat.

We all know that narcissists have incredibly fragile egos. When they believe someone is making fun of them or if they’re not the perceived expert or authority in a public setting, it jolts their existence. As a result, they’ll do anything to protect their fragile ego. Some common responses include:

  • Making violent or emotionally-charged threats
  • Attempting to one-up the audience by turning on them
  • Screaming or yelling
  • Walking away with obvious anger
  • Laughing it off in public only to lash out later on loved ones later 
  • Making up lies about anyone who is a real expert

8 – Expectations of Commitment

Most narcissists are terrible with commitment. Although they believe they deserve all senses of loyalty, they don’t usually provide it themselves. As a result, when they get into relationships, they don’t consider other people’s needs. They’re only accounting for their own emotions, impulses, and desires.

Unfortunately, many adoring partners hold onto wistful hope about their narcissist changing. They listen to how the narcissist praises and adores them. They hold onto fleeting promises that this time will be different.

Yet the narcissist makes all the rules. They decide what they want to do, and they do it when they want to do it. Therefore, they can break and change the rules in ways that suit them. 

9 – Vulnerability And Emotional Expression 

Narcissists often use cognitive empathy to feign interest in other people’s emotions. Real, emotional empathy means putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes. We take on the feelings and experiences of the other person.

Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, is far more insidious and manipulative. Think about the money-hungry salesman who preys on your ambivalence about buying a new car. Think about the general contractor who convinces you that you need to upgrade your appliances.

Cognitive empathy means tapping into someone’s deep emotions and feelings. This tactic requires having an initial connection. Narcissists use cognitive empathy to “gain entry” into your vulnerability. They establish this sense of trust and rapport using false kindness and compassion.

At the same time, they loathe vulnerability and emotional expression. They perceive it as a sign of weakness. Therefore, they use it to take advantage of you when your defenses are down.


10 – 99% Of Other People
 

How many friends does your narcissist have? Probably very few. Usually, their only friends are other people who validate their narcissism. 

Subsequently, how often do you hear your narcissist complain about other people? More times than you can count, probably! That’s because a single wrongdoing often results in lifetime resentment. One mistake tarnishes an entire reputation. 

Narcissists struggle to get along with anyone who doesn’t fit into their falsified worldview. They can’t stand to be challenged. They can’t tolerate the ideas that other people may know more than them. 

If they’re a cerebral narcissist, they are convinced that they are unique and should only associate with other special or high-status individuals. In fact, when confronted with anything that contradicts their sense of god-like stature, you can bet that their reaction will be explosive and malicious.

Therefore, narcissists can’t tolerate people who actually live in reality. That’s why you rarely see people with strong boundaries tolerating narcissists for very long. They recognize that the narcissist can’t provide mutual respect, connection, or love.

11 – Your Own Clarity

Above anything, the narcissist hates the idea that you might remember life before you met them. This concern is their greatest fear, and they’ll engage in many manipulative tactics to prevent it from manifesting.

Narcissists use love-bombing to keep you captured and intrigued. They’ll win you over with their charm and wit and cognitive empathy. They’ll make you feel special in ways you’ve never felt before (all through the use of cognitive empathy, of course).

But the narcissist never wants you to think for yourself. If you start doing that, they’ll react. They’ll attempt to break you down and sabotage you. They’ll make you doubt your capabilities and question your motives.

Their goal is to reprogram your mind- and they’ll do whatever they can to maintain their preferred status quo.

12 – When You Change The Status Quo 

Narcissists hate change when it’s out of their control. But when you stay with a narcissist, you remain in a defeating pattern full of resentment and frustration.

You deserve better than riding on their crazy train. You deserve freedom. When you choose yourself, you choose to remove yourself from this abuse. You choose to live your life without needing to walk on eggshells every day.  You deserve to focus on your healing once you understand how to make a narcissist miserable.

If you are trying to leave a toxic relationship, my testament to you is that as horrible and crippling as it feels in the beginning to leave, there is an end to it.  The body and mind have enormous wisdom.  They know how to heal themselves if you create the conditions in which they can do so.  Give them that opportunity by working on yourself – healing your wounds and altering those of your traits that left you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.

There are so many people just like you who have taken a stand against their abusers.  They’ve gotten a taste of the good life–and that taste of freedom is too sweet to turn back to the lives they had before.

If you’re ready to take control of your life, download the free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap. You’ll get a 14-day series of emails with emotional support and encouragement and a list of 16 empowering beliefs to live by. Plus, you get complimentary seating to the masterclass, 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is hard, and it’s okay to admit you need help. If you’re ready to go deeper now, check out the #1 therapist-approved online program for narcissistic abuse recovery. Thousands of people have benefited from this program that’s practical, proven, and reliable.  It’s the best place to begin a journey toward renewed self-worth and an end to feeling worthless.


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76 comments
carol says January 11, 2021

Get out from these relationship whilst you have life left to live. I have had to make the heart breaking decision leaving behind a baby so that the child wont be used in the horrid tangled disgusting behavior of the mother. My heart aches so much but until our son comes to his senses we know that what’s left of our life will be destroyed as well. Our sons partner has cut all them off from both family sides and friends yet cries wolf that know one loves them. I ended up with a break down trying to come to terms with the fact the our beautiful son became her flying monkey we don’t even know him any more he can be so loving the next totally mixed up and aggressive . It just breaks my heart to have watched the demise of what he once was a person turned into a shy slave with no confidence just heartbreaking. These narcs are greedy lazy self centered nasty pieces of work . I still question my sanity every day as to why these people are so nasty and what they get out of making peoples life’s so unhappy, Already she is using my grandchild for emotional blackmail using to hurt our family. I wish you all love and hope one day our son comes back to us and finds real love not fake demoralizing control that these monsters take from peoples souls,

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Jeanette Moremi says January 11, 2021

This information I found me at the edge of my life thank you

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Ludy says January 10, 2021

Kim, you saved my life!
Thank you😊

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Anonymous says January 10, 2021

Kim, you saved my life!
Thank you😊

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Amos says January 9, 2021

I have been through all that

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Famatta says January 4, 2021

I was with a narcissist forc18 years and didn’t realize it. He made me feel worthless. I had to leave him. Reading this article helped me understand his behavior.

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Lav says January 4, 2021

Haahahahha public humiliation is the worst thing for them.
But the best you can do when you notice that you have narcis near is ruuuuun !

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Jermena says December 28, 2020

Kim, this is beautiful.
My boss and his wife right now are the devil incarnate. After thoughtful discussion with myself, I decided to walk away. I haven’t gotten another job yet, but am so happy just even thinking about my freedom that awaits me come the end of the month. I took up a stand for myself and decided to remove myself from this abusive and very toxic environment in which i have been working for the past 6 months. You will not believe their explosive reaction in my in-box when i sent them my resignation mail! All a long they had gotten so comfortable with humiliating me and belittling me, calling me useless and not worthy of their company, all while i was giving the best of myself for a smooth flow of work at the company. Because i chose to keep quiet and focus on fulfilling my duties at work, they completely took me for a fool. Now yesterday i dropped the bomb and they were so outraged and hurled all kinds of threats but its just a waste of time. I have already made my decision and there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it. I even found their outburst so funny…. i mean, you cant spend your entire time trying to prove to another person how useless they are, and when they decide to leave you, you all get worked up and try to get them to stay, all in the most pathetic way possible; threats and yelling.
All i can say is, good riddance!

Thank you Kim for your empowering words 🙂

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Nicole Bruce says December 27, 2020

I love your site and videos. I now realize that I’ve been raised by a narc and two of my three serious relationships have been with narcs. Knowing this helps me to make better decisions. Thank you!

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Don says December 27, 2020

Thanks to you. I’m a free man, of six months. It still continued. So I broke off all communication with her. She never new when to stop.

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Jane says December 26, 2020

This article really is spot on. I was in a living nightmare for 8 years but didn’t realise it at the time. Fortunately I got out of an abusive/violent marriage 20 years ago, with my baby daughter and son, and have never looked back. Such a liberating experience – difficult at first – but wonderful to find myself again. My children are doing very well and are well balanced individuals.
Wish I had found this exact article to read a very long time ago! I’m sure it will help others. Thank you.

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Anonymous says December 26, 2020

I’ve been married to one for 20yrs now and have finally found the courage to leave.

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Dionne says December 25, 2020

I was married to one 33years a friend send me this iets like on the spot

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Robert Austin says December 24, 2020

You did a good job you hit it right on the target.I hate narciss so unbelievable I spit this poison out of my mouth everyday.I see it so clearly I spit out their poison everyday in the healing I am working towards healing.I was scorched earth.I remember far back as 3 yrs old I am now 67 yrs old.I have learn to hate narciss deeply.What a waste of time they are .I wish I was the invisible man and teach them a lesson that they were the ones going crazy come to think of it they are crazy and don’t deserve to live on this planet. I SEE THE TRUTH.Be still ,list, and watch they get consumed by their own fire .Love is love and be in love with love.

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Carrol Welch says December 19, 2020

This is the most truthful reading of a narcissist person I have experienced. Right on point!

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Anonymous says December 19, 2020

This is the most truthful reading of a narcissist person I have experienced. Right on point!

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Susan Brock says December 15, 2020

Never show weakness to him/her. Never show fear or depeat. Never cry in front on him/her.

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Anonymous says December 8, 2020

Am leaving with one narc and don’t know how to deal with him

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Carol says December 5, 2020

Don’t tell him. He will either get furious and threaten you or worse or he’ll put in the chart to lure you back. Either way it will make it harder. Just go!!!

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Marcia North says November 22, 2020

I’ve left my narrcisst but still have court to deal with because he claims I hurt him.hope I can get help before I give up.

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Numa says November 18, 2020

I left my Narc yesterday. I cussed him out and it felt so good because I had never done that before. Its been 3 years and I know that may not seem like a long time to most people, but it was to me. Everyone told me he was a psychopath and a whore but I didn’t believe it. I always want to help those that feel left out, so I thought everyone was bullying him, “I’ll be your friend” was the worst mistake of mine. He proved them all right. Cursing him out felt great because I’m tired of being hurt and punished for wanting to be in love. I deserve better.

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Co-co says November 15, 2020

Oh wow, though I know this, I lost myself with someone like this. Yet, you feel that it is your fault, the forgetting, being exhausted

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MELANIE Mott says November 12, 2020

All of your comments reflects t both former lovers and my most recent boss. I realize now that the signs were screaming out ar me but I did not get it. I am now aware enough to walk ASAP!!!

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Jays 4 U says November 6, 2020

Nar= NEVER A RESPONSE

You have put your heart into a NAR. Your mission is over. The NAR is quick sand. They suck.

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Deena says October 29, 2020

I’ve been broken up with my Narrasticist for 8 months. The hardest thing I’ve experienced is not the actual break up but the smear campaign she has done and continues to do to me. I’m a public official, and she’s damaged my reputation with lies that effected my career, my family, my co Workers, and even some of my friends. She’s done so much damage in a year that I’m still pricing together her bold faced evil lies that effected my life. I’m glad she’s out of my life now and it wasn’t easy at first, but the damage she’s done to my reputation is the most difficult part to repair. They are truly evil, destructive, sick individuals. STAY AWAY.

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Tracey says October 29, 2020

Excellent piece. I was with one for nearly 3 years and it still affects me today 15 years later . Even though I’m happily married now .

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rosa says October 28, 2020

Great description and great advice! Well written ,too.

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Sonya Dunham says October 22, 2020

This article was right on point!!!

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jane do-re-mi says October 19, 2020

Yes, ‘lack of acknowledgment’ is a big one as not only does it make them feel snubbed by the person they thought was their biggest fan, but more importantly, because it frees you up to put the focus back on you, where it belongs.

Even if you feel like you’ll die of a broken heart if you don’t get a fix of them (I get it, I’ve been there and two years later I still struggle), I beg you to not contact them. Take it minute by minute. Make a cup of coffee. Walk around your home. Brush your teeth. Pet the dog. Stare out of the window at the traffic. Do anything to distract yourself from picking up that phone or answering the door.

You have to treat No Contact like your very life depends on it, because it does.

Mine actually started his smear campaign to his family and friends DURING the love-bombing phase and I knew it back then and I still stuck with his sorry a** for years. I beg you to look after your own heart, because he sure as hell won’t.

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Jose Castro says October 17, 2020

I think i was with a narrastic and meth drug user but i am slowly getting better everyday

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Cyndi says October 14, 2020

I am in a relationship now for 3 years just like this. I’ve been reading in narcissistic behavior for at least a year. There has been so much broken promises and lies and disrespect to name a few. I gave up my career and moved far away from my family believing in all the good in him . Nothing has changed as far as what he said was going to happen with us. He travels for work , so I am here with him, but it so happens that it’s near where I use to work. I have now accepted my position back and should start soon. As far as he knows it’s only temporary , but I’m not leaving my career or family again. That was my first step. Now once I have enough funds, I’ll be able to get my own place.
I’ve used my entire savings for a future with this person and all he’s done is take away my home , by not adding my name . I’ve lost that, but in time I feel my mental state is important. I’m happy I read this this morning.
Going to make it happen step by step.

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    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2020

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad to know you are determined to reclaim your life. Wishing you all the best as you move forward and heal.

    Kim Xo

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Jessica says October 12, 2020

Hi,
My name is jessica and i just wanted to say wow.
Just thjs evenjng like not even 10 minutes ago, i just parted ways with my recent ex. He has been trying to seek me out and hook back up, and i keep flirting with thr notion becausd Obveosly its harder than hell.
I seperated from him 5 days ago and today was the second day we visited , just talking, but long story shorter, i came in to look somethjng up on my phone and this article popped up. So out od curiousity i clicked to read it and WHAM! It hit me. If ever there was a sign….this article was perfect, drawn up beautifully, and thorough. I appreciated and could directly relate to every perspective on our so called loved ones.
I have had a couple other hauntinh narcissistic relationships with other people and I’ve spent provably 10 years trying to learn how to live without them. Its like being a prisoner on a tropical island. The land is magical ans there is everything you need there but you can’t just get off and you can’t swim to shore. But i keep trying and today i almost ate the fruit again but i asksd him to just go and fibbed about meeting up with him later just to create the gap. After reading this feel defeated in a sence because that inner part of me that was hoping to see him again and touch him again doest get what it wants this time because everytime she does it never goes well and i end suffering worse and the break up gets real messy.
I may not always be solid enough in my self to say that i will obstain 100% but i can This, i will do much better with this information to remind me of just what I’m dealing with. Its so easy to forget.
Thanks again,
Happy and safe travels on the path of true freedom and self discovery.
— Jessica

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Louise says October 6, 2020

Don’t tell him. I am just seven months after leaving my narcissistic husband. It was very scary and I was frightened for my life. After 20 years of marriage this was the hardest thing to do , but I did it and I can truly say it is the best thing I could have her done. I feel completely liberated! Just set up everything up new in your own name. Don’t try swapping things over. Start afresh and cancel the other things when you have moved out! Be brave and conquer your fears! You will feel like your old you again! Go for it x.

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    Navi says November 8, 2020

    This made my morning, thank you for this article and the courage to keep moving forward. Thank you Louise also for your truth, I also was married for 20 years and scared for my life when I left 7 months ago. I called a friend and she helped me & my daughter get into a battered women’s shelter , and file the order of protection . My daughter and myself are in therapy and by God’s hand we are beginning to heal one day at
    a time we are healing. I feel grateful to have read this article.

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Matilda says October 6, 2020

Thank you it has really opened my eyes.

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April says September 30, 2020

Hello, I’m pretty sure I’m married to a narcissist. I’m trying to get out and everything I read says to make a complete clean sudden break. I have another apartment set up, signed the lease I just can’t switch the electricity over because he will see the new address when he pays the current bill. I’m also confused because I feel like I should warn him? Not sure how to even start a conversation like that 🙁

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    Kim Saeed says October 6, 2020

    Hi April,

    Have you spoken to anyone at the electric company to see if they could set up a new account for you that won’t show your old and new addresses together?

    Big congrats on setting everything up for your freedom, by the way!!

    Kim

    Reply
Nad D. says September 30, 2020

It’s been two days now that I left him…I feel so broken and so wrong 🙁 My brain totally knows I did the right thing but I feel that my body is in a withdraw state…it’s so weird. But I know it’ll pass.
One point that made me really realize how deep he was getting “control of me”….I would stand my ground and point out his gaslighting ways to try to get me off my factual talking (being up in my face screaming and spiting) and I would find myself so full of rage (something I don’t have naturally in me) thatt I would push him….and after that in every argument he would say “well, at least i’m not the violent one, I don’t oush and shove…I just speak loudly like normal people”…and I felt so ashamed about pushing him…I just shut me up…everytime…for months.
I can’t or don’t want to talk about it with my family and friends….this felt like a safe place…so thank you…this felt good to just get it out of my head a little 💗

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Sheryl Roxas says September 27, 2020

Your article, How to Make a Narcissist Miserable: 12 Things They Hate; is by far the realest facts I have ever read in my 40 years of existence. HANDS DOWN! I am beyond grateful of articles like yours as people like me really needed a lot of reminders that being with an extremely toxic person isn’t living at all. That nothing in this world could or should ever make someone feel worthless. I cannot thank you enough as your article hit me real hard on the dot. Life’s too precious to be anything but angry, hateful, sad & bitter. Thanks so much & I look forward on reading more articles from you. You are simply awesome!

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Anom 709 says September 27, 2020

I am still saving myself for this narcissistic ex for over three years. We were together for three years. He was the only man that I ever loved. In the beginning he chased me for three months. I had no interest in him. Then I gave him a chance. I fell for him hard and fast. I lost friends over him. He was telling them I was talking about them. I wasn’t. I was giving him money regularly. I loved his children as my own children. We were the perfect blended family. Not living together. He slowly chipped away at my soul. I no longer know who I was prior to him. I constantly ask what I did wrong to destroy the relationship. He says I pushed him away and told him to go find someone else. I know that I didn’t. He was looking for his next victim, my acquaintance. She moved in with him within two weeks. That lasted three months. They spread such rumours about my mental health that I moved out of town for a while. As soon as she left, back he came. I believed him. Cycle started again. Another women, wealthy older widow. I was thrown to the garbage. Thank goodness I always kept my home. Every argument they had he called me. I would listen. When I felt desperate or hurting or like something was to good to be true for me I would contact him because I could count on him to belittle me and but me down. Because I was convinced by him that I would never have anyone as good as him, or deserving of anything good. He is no longer in that relationship. He was going to help me do some repairs on my house. I would pay him of course, two days prior, he said he couldn’t, he has a new girlfriend. He has the materials I paid for. I am trying to get him to drop them off. He won’t. He still controls me. I allow him to control me. I am 52 years old. Divorced over 10 years. Just finished chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. Always was considered beautiful. Self sufficient financially. Never dated anyone but him after my divorce. Only him. Yet I can’t let go. It is almost like he senses when I do, no matter where I am and he fishes me back in and I fall deeper for him. I am embarrassed that I am like this. I have had counseling, spoke to my pastor. Prayed to Jesus to help me break the chains. I actually feel like I am going crazy.

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Ivonne Abreu says September 26, 2020

My ex fits every single one of these. Luckily, I’ve been out of that relationship for 7 years and am better and stronger. Thank you for this information. It helps so much with healing for me.

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Kricket says September 26, 2020

It’s sad to say that I have dated several
Men who are narcissist and my dad is a paranoid schizophrenic and one as well, I truly believe I’ve learned to accept this behavior as normal but I’m trying now to leave one I’ve been with for 6 years. I’m also bipolar and it’s been so hard and very emotional for me. I feelike I don’t have the strength but somethings got to give. I deserve better

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Mary Anne says September 26, 2020

In my experience a narcissist feeds on negative attention because they can play the victim. So positive OR negative attention feeds their ego. It can also set the table with this behavior for making the other person out to be the crazy one. This is why I believe gray rock is not pointless and is very effective because it deprives the narcissist of your emotional response and, in fact, any response at all.

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    Kim Saeed says September 28, 2020

    Hi Mary Anne…thank you for commenting. In theory, Gray Rock should work, but in reality, No Contact should be used in all cases unless one shares a child with the narcissistic individual. Folks who use Gray Rock are often easily sucked right back into the toxic relationship because they are still traumatized. Gray Rock tells the narcissist they still have access to you, which doesn’t really affect them in any way. No Contact, on the other hand, tells them very clearly that they’re not part of your life anymore, nor are they allowed to access you whenever they want to.

    Reply
Claire Beckett says September 23, 2020

My father is a narcissist and l am 43. I dont live at home but visit him and my Mum regularly. Its my Mum l feel for as l can leave the house but l have to leave her there 😔

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linda says September 21, 2020

l am happy to have come across this list today. I was shocked when my best friends daughter cut off all contact with her mother. When I reached out to her, she talked about abuse and her mom being a narcissist. After reading the description in a psychology journal a. lot of things made sense to me for the first time. I have known my friend for 40 years and chose to ignore the negativity.

We have had a few conflicts that resulted in her giving me the silent treatment for months at at time. Both were because I defended my own daughter from her criticism. She never directly put me down, she instead expressed “concerns” about people in my life. She meddled and gossiped and I was blind to it.
She is very angry with me now but puts on a sweet face. She has stopped talking to or contacting me photos that I took of us on a road trip together have been removed from my Facebook account.

She has been called out on her behavior. I am so sorry that I didn’t figure out how her daughter was abused. I should have called child protection. There is no making up this “fight” she created. I am done.

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Ashley says September 17, 2020

Dearest Anon, you are NOT alone! Your ENTIRE comment is written as if I had posted it myself! In fact, I have said these exact words to his friend in hope that he would understand what I’m saying – heaven forbid anyone reads anymore, so forget sharing an article that CLEARLY defines this person and answers SO MANY questions! Yeah, narcissism is a mental/personality disorder but it seems as though their significant others are corrupted into becoming all the same type of victims with the same type of mental anguish! The cherry on top? I fell HARD for this person! Of all people, WHY?! How could I be SO clueless?! Now my poor baby has a broken home and she’s not even three years old…. my heart is destroyed.. everything that makes me ME is a forgotten memory. He stole everything from me and STILL blames me because “I did it to myself…”

I am completely broken.. am i even still a person?

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    G says September 21, 2020

    You are a person do not even think you are not. These people steal everything you can give them and place all the blame on others. You are so smart to get out. I grew up with a dad like this and the verbal and mental abuse you are saving your child form will be worth the heartbreak right now. You are amazing and do not let any self absorbed person take that from you. THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT

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SG says September 15, 2020

How scary is it when you know they would prefer to be widowed than divorced. It looks so much better to their next victum.

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Kate says September 9, 2020

These are excellent and very on target! It’s great when you give examples of behavior that so many people tolerate and overlook. They never change never ever ever. They do the same thing with every person they are involved with.
It’s a mental illness and personality disorder that’s why they’re all the same it’s a brain issue that is not fixable. Don’t waste your life thinking they will change because they will not

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sharon small says September 8, 2020

Really awesome wow

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Anonymous girl says September 2, 2020

I really need advice! I divorced my ex narc husband and have a child with him. There is tremendous amount of post divorce abuse and him withholding finances / neglecting child etc. He lives overseas and I am in the states. His family tries to reach out from time to time to speak to my child who is still a toddler – knowing they are toxic and I have no legal barring why should I allow his toxic family to speak to my young child? Or should I for the bigger picture? Please can you advise?

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    Hi Anon girl,

    As you said, there are no legal obligations, so the best course of action would be to protect your child from this toxic family. There is no “bigger picture” where narcissistic dynamics are concerned. This is one of those scenarios I talk about where we were programmed to believe we are obligated to keep people in our lives, whether or not it’s healthy to do so. The more you can protect your child from these people, the better off you and your child will be.

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Beverly says September 2, 2020

Oh, I am so glad I found this website. Most of the time I feel like I am crazy…but HE’S the crazy one-oh, yea, I’m crazy for listening to his nonsense-you got me there. But, now I know I’m not the only one! Thanx. Bev

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Sharon Magennis says August 28, 2020

My Narcicistic ex lives 5 doors away from me now with a new victim. I have to see him most days and I’m sure he’s done this on purpose. He’s on and off with her breaking up getting back together . I just want to warn her and tell her he’s dangerous

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    Kat says September 9, 2020

    Don’t try to warn the new one. They won’t believe you and you’ll end up looking like the crazy person. This is very typical in this situation. Try hard not to- You could get dragged into it and if he’s really dangerous he’ll know it was you and he could decide to deal with you in a negative way… They always win -they have boundless energy for crazy behavior.
    The only way is to delete them 100% from your life

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Anon says August 26, 2020

I am in this situation, have been for the greater part of this marriage. He can do whatever he wants, but when I retaliate the only way I seem to know how, by telling his family about him in the hope that they can help…he turns up the heat and plays victim, as if i cheated, lied, had anger outbursts and all sorts against him.
He always only remembers us when he has no one around him and when he needs a punching bag.Other than that, he is too busy ” putting the family first” with his friends, his alcohol, his business etc etc. When I out him, he feels like i am destroying his character, and worse still NOBODY sees this side of him.
Everything I do for my sanity is seen as a blight against him…
Am I mad, is he really a person with narc tendencies or is it just me…he makes me feel as if i am the narc…
He has removed my power, my self esteem, my ability to breathe, and my ability to achieve, to be my former self…he has instilled fear into me over so long, I dont even know any other emotion

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    Rowan says December 24, 2020

    I’m sorry, but a narcissist will NEVER change. They cannot. Do yourself a kindness and get away from him and get some good therapy. Seriously, that’s the only realist and health choice.

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gracie says August 25, 2020

I ditched the narcissist by getting disgusted and saying to him “you are not an introvert,
you are a narcissist that uses women and I don’t trust you”. what are the chances that this ill schmuck will try to contact me. I am committed to remain happy!!!

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Ann says August 25, 2020

The 10 Narc Manipulation Tactics are SO RIGHT ON!!!
I’ve experienced them all.
So predictable, wow. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad to be free of my toxic relationship.

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Akanksha says August 19, 2020

My husband is having Narcissistic personality disorder,help me so that I will live my life peacefully

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    Hi Akansha,

    I am sorry for your situation. I wish I had better news, but there is no way to make things work with a narcissist that isn’t incredibly painful. We can’t change narcissistic people and we can’t stop them from being abusive. The only thing we can control is ourselves and our own behaviors. Usually, the best way to stop the abuse is to leave the marriage altogether.

    Kim

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Lisa says August 18, 2020

I’m terrified to leave. I have animals that I love and it breaks my heart. I can’t leave them.
HELP ME PLEASE

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    Hi Lisa,

    Can you leave and take the animals with you? Seems that might be a good option.

    Kim

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JD says August 14, 2020

Here’s another:

Innocently ask a question that, if answered truthfully, would reveal a hidden agenda that they put effort into keeping a secret.

I learned the hard way about that one. The conversation went from peaceful to off the meter rage in .10 seconds flat.

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Anonymous says August 14, 2020

Narcissist relationships are hell. How does a person become so hateful.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

Thank you! Thank you for daring to send such candid information that is helpful in moments of distress. Every article I have read has contained pivotal information that I can’t find so directly from other specialists in this area.
I find every article you send valuable. Thank you for being so generous with the information!
The articles inspire me to send good thoughts and hopes to the so many who struggle in these situations. And you inspire hope in me! Thank you very much for what you do.

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    You are such a sweetheart 🙂 Thank you for your kind words regarding my articles. I’m so glad to know they resonate with you.

    Sending hugs!

    Kim

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

Thank you ! for daring to say this and give us another tool, even if short term.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

I dont dont know how to walk away from a nacisist, I feel sorry for him and when he push the button then his soft sides is out.
Just think that i am going backwards and backwards .

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    Anonymous says August 14, 2020

    I feel sorry for mine too.

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      Anonymous says September 1, 2020

      I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first everything. He was my one and only. He made me believe we were soulmates and that we would grow old together. After 8 years of escalating emotional, physical, and verbal abuse, I was driven to the point of trying to commit suicide. Fortunately, a friend saved me and I was able to get the psychological help I needed to understand what I was up against.

      He had made me believe that I was paranoid and crazy. He had made me believe that I deserved the abuse. He had made me believe that my heart and soul could only ever belong to him and that no other man would ever want me. He would break down in tears in a way that alwaaays made me feel sorry for him and want to heal his wounds — and he made me believe I was the only one who could heal him.

      Time and time again I kept going back to him — even after my suicide attempt. No one could understand my addiction to him; not even me. I just thought it was “true love”. Only after my suicide attempt did I find out that he always had a fantasy that someone would “love him enough to kill themselves” and had purposely tried to manipulate me to that end. (The night before I tried to commit suicide, he drugged my drink, called in his friends, and had them gang-rape me — knowing that it would drive me over the edge because I had always kept myself only for him. It was such a traumatic experience for me that it took many years for me to even recall the incident. Never, never, never throughout even all of the abuse would I have ever believed him capable of such sadism and horrendous betrayal. But it was his secret fantasy, and he was playing god to see it become reality.) You never know what secret fantasy a narcissist is attempting to realize through you. Be so careful. Learn from my story. And don’t think you are an exception, or that you are invincible, or that the narcissist you know could never possibly be so sadistic. They live in their own world of fantasy. And you don’t know what secrets they harbor. You don’t understand their mind. And you know I’m right even as you read these words.

      The last time I went back to him I trained myself to break the brainwashing cycle. Every time he made me feel self-doubt and self-hate, I mentally turned the blame back onto him. So it was no longer self-doubt, but doubt in him and what he was saying and doing. No longer self-hate, but hatred towards him and how he treated me and made me feel about myself. It was a mental exercise akin to ripping him off a pedestal and smashing him on the floor. I devalued his opinion in my own eyes. Within 2 weeks I walked away without the slightest hesitation. Without a twinge of remorse — for him. My only regret was letting myself be hurt for so long when I had the power all along to save myself. After I left him I went to a friend’s house and sat on the floor in front of a mirror and just looked at myself in the eyes and cried. For the first time in 8 years, my tears were not for him. My tears were for me. In that moment I knew the addiction was broken. I began telling myself all the things I had ever wanted to hear from him. You’re smart. You’re beautiful. You deserve only the best in life. I love you more than anything in all the world. I support you. I believe in you… And the self-healing finally began.

      6 years later I still sometimes struggle with PTSD from the things he did to me. But I am now married to a man who genuinely loves me and reminds me of it every single day. Four years strong, and he never lets me forget how valuable and special and deserving of love I am. My husband turned out to be the light at the end of the tunnel I was always searching for from the narcissist. It’s an amazing and almost other-worldly feeling to be genuinely loved, valued, and supported after experiencing the black hole of narcissistic abuse.

      All of that story just to say… I understand feeling sorry for the narcissist. But right now you’re just living inside of a dark tunnel with no end in sight. At some point, you have to start feeling sorry for yourself too. Self-preservation, darling. You need to change your self-talk when around that narcissist. Every time you start to feel sorry for them, mentally twist that feeling into feeling sorry for yourself instead. Every time you doubt yourself, your sanity, and your value you need to mentally turn it back on them and see them for what they truly are. Doubt THEM. Doubt THEIR sanity. Question THEIR value. Once you take back control over your mind you’ll start to see that you’re the victim that deserves pity. NOT them. Darling, YOU are the victim. YOU are to be pitied. And YOU are the only one who can save yourself and obtain the happiness you’re fighting to earn right now. You have a divine, human right to be happy, to be genuinely loved, and to not feel the way you do right now at their hand. Keep reminding yourself of that. You are being abused. You don’t deserve to be abused. You don’t deserve to be hurt. You don’t deserve to be unhappy. Save yourself. You’re stronger than you know. You’re more valuable than you know. There are people who love you and need you and value you, and they want to help you. Just give them a chance.

      Next time you’re around the narcissist just start saying these affirmations to yourself and the rose-colored glasses will come off, the fog of self-doubt will dissipate, and the monster before you will come into full view and scare you out of your wits — and straight into self-preservation mode.

      Save yourself. Only you have the power to stop being a victim and start being a survivor and thriver. You deserve better. Remember that. Say it to yourself over and over and over. Chant it: I deserve better than this, I deserve better than this, I deserve better than this…

      There is light at the end of the tunnel… but only you can walk out of that tunnel and into the light. Narcissists thrive in the dark, but you are meant for the light. Keep saying it… I deserve better than this, I deserve better than this…

      The moment the true meaning of those words sink in, the phoenix in you will rise and be empowered to move on to the better things meant for you. You can do it… I believe in you.

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        Anon2 says September 23, 2020

        Thank YOU. So much. I feel like you know me and wrote this comment to me. You made me cry. It’s been so long since anyone has said such genuine caring words. I can’t remember if there was ever a last time. I don’t think anyone in the world cares. Really. To hear words of tenderness from an anonymous stranger is so powerful I just can’t imagine what it would feel like to hear them from someone near and dear. I will read this over and over like a love letter because that’s what it is. Thank you.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

I absolutely enjoyed this article Kim. Thank you for healing us.

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Carroll laneulie says August 13, 2020

Kim… I have an amazing back-up story I really need to share … would there be someone I could talk with?
Carroll

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