How to Make a Narcissist Miserable

How to Make a Narcissist Miserable: 12 Things They Hate

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You probably spend a great deal of time feeling defeated and frustrated by the narcissist in your life. You see how they treat other people (and yourself), and it’s appalling.  You certainly know what you don’t like in your relationship. But have you ever wondered how to make a narcissist miserable or what makes them afraid or triggered?

Just for the record, trying to make a narcissist miserable might have its place for a short period of time, but I don’t recommend focusing on it for too long as this will inevitably have an effect on your mental health and energy levels.

But, if you need a quick fix, let’s get into the top 12 things all narcissists hate. 

how to make a narcissist miserable
How to Make a Narcissist Miserable

1 – Lack Of Acknowledgment

It’s no secret that most narcissists revel in admiration and validation (except for ‘closet narcissists’). They depend on constant approval to maintain their sense of intrinsic worth. To achieve this goal, they absorb (or steal) the energy of other people to feel good about themselves. 

Do you ever wonder why narcissists don’t seem to mind the negative attention? It’s because negative attention also fuels their narcissistic fire. The negativity is still attention, and any form of attention gives them the incentive to keep going. It gives them the motivation to keep proving themselves. 

In fact, they often like negative attention better because if you’re still bothered by their relationship crimes, they can exploit this in order to deepen the trauma bond and keep you hooked and entangled!

Therefore, a lack of acknowledgment is a real threat. To a narcissist, indifference is even more of an issue than hatred. They’d rather you have a negative opinion than have no opinion at all.

Narcissists can’t stand when no one is paying attention to them. They don’t know how to feel important or special if they aren’t the center of the universe or consuming someone’s thoughts.  This is also why the traditional Grey Rock method is often pointless and why complete avoidance is the best route (or extreme modified contact if you share children with them).

2 – When People Speak Factually 

Have you ever paid close attention to how a narcissist speaks? They use excessive, long-winded language charged with grandiose emotion. They skew reality to meet their worldview, and they believe their truth is always the truth.

Additionally, through the use of cognitive empathy, they’ve spent their entire lives observing the emotional language of other people and using it to their advantage.  So, when you speak in facts instead of using emotion, they intuitively understand they have less of an upper hand.

Therefore, they hate when someone challenges them with facts instead of emotion. They will usually retaliate with more arguing or hysteria. This childish response simply shows that they feel out-of-control. They attempt to elevate the conversation’s intensity by throwing an emotional temper tantrum.

If anything, this dynamic only highlights the narcissist’s immaturity. Their inability to absorb facts demonstrates their incompetence in approaching most adult interactions. They are not skilled in the language of facts because they are always lying and hiding things, so speaking factually throws them completely off-balance. 


3 – Authority

Narcissists detest authority. That’s because they resent having to answer to anybody but themselves. Any sense of authority threatens their inherent desires for power and control.

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to have issues at work, school, or with the law. Has the narcissist in your life had multiple jobs? Are they frequently getting reprimanded for their behavior?

While narcissists can be intelligent, they often come across as combative and unfit in professional environments. If confronted by their inappropriate behavior, they tend to deny or rationalize their part. 

Of course, it’s no surprise that most authority figures dislike working with narcissists. Supervisors find them unruly and unreasonable. They can’t understand why the person can’t follow basic directions without such volatile reactions.

4 – Being Told No

Of all things a narcissist hates, being told no (and actually following through with it) tops the list. Narcissists are used to manipulating and weaseling their way into getting what they want. 

Often, they’ll pull all the stops to accomplish this task. They’ve spent their whole lives charming people to meet their needs. They never stop to think about how your feelings impact the dynamic. 

That’s why telling them no- and being adamant on your stance- often causes such an angry reaction. A narcissist isn’t just upset about the denial- they’re downright confused by it! 

Narcissists can’t actually fathom why someone would refuse them. Because they lack real empathy, they can’t understand what must be going on in your mind. Moreover, even if they try to comprehend it, they refuse to accept this reality.


5 – Implementing Consequences

Have you ever tried to set a boundary with a narcissist? How well did it go? Most likely, you tried to implement a limit, and they reacted in one of three ways:

  • Dismissing you altogether and gaslighting your feelings
  • Acknowledging their mistake, promising to change, and then doing nothing to change
  • Reacting with intense rage, threats, or even physical violence 

Narcissists can’t accept any real consequences. They can’t see when they’re wrong, and they can’t understand how someone would ever think they’re wrong. And even if the narcissist understood this, they simply wouldn’t care.  As a result, they tend to react disproportionately to boundaries and serious conversations as a means to intimidate you and force you into compliance.

Unfortunately, many people simply give up on trying to implement consequences with narcissists. Because they want to avoid a potential conflict, they surrender and dismiss their feelings. How many times have you avoided setting a real boundary because that’s just how they are?

6 – Losing At Anything

Have you ever observed young children playing a board game? If so, you probably witnessed plenty of cheating behaviors and dramatic reactions to losing. It’s acceptable when the players are three years old, but what happens when you’re referring to full-fledged adults? 

Narcissists can resemble toddlers, in that they tend to be extremely sore losers. They struggle to accept losing, and they also tend to lash out when it happens. A few scenarios may occur:

  • They repeatedly proclaim the person in charge (boss/referee) was incompetent
  • They attempt to defame or humiliate the winner
  • They pretend they didn’t care about winning
  • They insist that they “let the other person” take the spotlight
  • They refuse to accept that they lost and awkwardly act as if they’re the actual winner (you may have experienced this by hearing, after you’ve left them, that they’ve told everyone they’re the one who left you!)

7 – Public Humiliation

Because they are sore losers, narcissists can’t handle real or perceived public humiliation. They just can’t tolerate the threat of failure. To them, public humiliation is the ultimate form of defeat.

We all know that narcissists have incredibly fragile egos. When they believe someone is making fun of them or if they’re not the perceived expert or authority in a public setting, it jolts their existence. As a result, they’ll do anything to protect their fragile ego. Some common responses include:

  • Making violent or emotionally-charged threats
  • Attempting to one-up the audience by turning on them
  • Screaming or yelling
  • Walking away with obvious anger
  • Laughing it off in public only to lash out later on loved ones later 
  • Making up lies about anyone who is a real expert

8 – Expectations of Commitment

Most narcissists are terrible with commitment. Although they believe they deserve all senses of loyalty, they don’t usually provide it themselves. As a result, when they get into relationships, they don’t consider other people’s needs. They’re only accounting for their own emotions, impulses, and desires.

Unfortunately, many adoring partners hold onto wistful hope about their narcissist changing. They listen to how the narcissist praises and adores them. They hold onto fleeting promises that this time will be different.

Yet the narcissist makes all the rules. They decide what they want to do, and they do it when they want to do it. Therefore, they can break and change the rules in ways that suit them. 

9 – Vulnerability And Emotional Expression 

Narcissists often use cognitive empathy to feign interest in other people’s emotions. Real, emotional empathy means putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes. We take on the feelings and experiences of the other person.

Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, is far more insidious and manipulative. Think about the money-hungry salesman who preys on your ambivalence about buying a new car. Think about the general contractor who convinces you that you need to upgrade your appliances.

Cognitive empathy means tapping into someone’s deep emotions and feelings. This tactic requires having an initial connection. Narcissists use cognitive empathy to “gain entry” into your vulnerability. They establish this sense of trust and rapport using false kindness and compassion.

At the same time, they loathe vulnerability and emotional expression. They perceive it as a sign of weakness. Therefore, they use it to take advantage of you when your defenses are down.


10 – 99% Of Other People
 

How many friends does your narcissist have? Probably very few. Usually, their only friends are other people who validate their narcissism. 

Subsequently, how often do you hear your narcissist complain about other people? More times than you can count, probably! That’s because a single wrongdoing often results in lifetime resentment. One mistake tarnishes an entire reputation. 

Narcissists struggle to get along with anyone who doesn’t fit into their falsified worldview. They can’t stand to be challenged. They can’t tolerate the ideas that other people may know more than them. 

If they’re a cerebral narcissist, they are convinced that they are unique and should only associate with other special or high-status individuals. In fact, when confronted with anything that contradicts their sense of god-like stature, you can bet that their reaction will be explosive and malicious.

Therefore, narcissists can’t tolerate people who actually live in reality. That’s why you rarely see people with strong boundaries tolerating narcissists for very long. They recognize that the narcissist can’t provide mutual respect, connection, or love.

11 – Your Own Clarity

Above anything, the narcissist hates the idea that you might remember life before you met them. This concern is their greatest fear, and they’ll engage in many manipulative tactics to prevent it from manifesting.

Narcissists use love-bombing to keep you captured and intrigued. They’ll win you over with their charm and wit and cognitive empathy. They’ll make you feel special in ways you’ve never felt before (all through the use of cognitive empathy, of course).

But the narcissist never wants you to think for yourself. If you start doing that, they’ll react. They’ll attempt to break you down and sabotage you. They’ll make you doubt your capabilities and question your motives.

Their goal is to reprogram your mind- and they’ll do whatever they can to maintain their preferred status quo.

12 – When You Change The Status Quo 

Narcissists hate change when it’s out of their control. But when you stay with a narcissist, you remain in a defeating pattern full of resentment and frustration.

You deserve better than riding on their crazy train. You deserve freedom. When you choose yourself, you choose to remove yourself from this abuse. You choose to live your life without needing to walk on eggshells every day.  You deserve to focus on your healing once you understand how to make a narcissist miserable.

If you are trying to leave a toxic relationship, my testament to you is that as horrible and crippling as it feels in the beginning to leave, there is an end to it.  The body and mind have enormous wisdom.  They know how to heal themselves if you create the conditions in which they can do so.  Give them that opportunity by working on yourself – healing your wounds and altering those of your traits that left you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.

There are so many people just like you who have taken a stand against their abusers.  They’ve gotten a taste of the good life–and that taste of freedom is too sweet to turn back to the lives they had before.

If you’re ready to take control of your life, download the free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap. You’ll get a 14-day series of emails with emotional support and encouragement and a list of 16 empowering beliefs to live by. Plus, you get complimentary seating to the masterclass, 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is hard, and it’s okay to admit you need help. If you’re ready to go deeper now, check out the #1 therapist-approved online program for narcissistic abuse recovery. Thousands of people have benefited from this program that’s practical, proven, and reliable.  It’s the best place to begin a journey toward renewed self-worth and an end to feeling worthless.


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129 comments
Robert Austin says April 5, 2021

After my father died for seven years or more everyday I say I am glad he’s dead.

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Mims says April 3, 2021

Narcissist is word I never used. Now that I understand it, it seems to crop up in every conversation. My mother ruined our family because of her ways. My dad is gone, my sister is gone. The rest of my siblings barely talk. All this because one person controlled our beliefs, our feelings and even reputations. Poor mom. She’s 83 years old and still controlling the status quo. I have hated her but my sister wont let me keep that. One of my brothers goes back and forth between being tired of her to reminding me that she’s old and we might not have her around much longer..boo hoo. I dont know how I really feel. Its like, because of her I have no one, so I only have her! WTF? I do though…my children. People, find someone! Be close to others who share your understanding. Even if its online with strangers is better than alone and angry all the time. You will feel empowered the minute you declare that person has no more control of your feelings or decisions or life. You may worry that they will hurt who you are and damage your reputation but the truth is they already have. What have you got to lose? Love the ones who will accept you for who you are. The rest will suffer from the narcissists ways if they arent already. They will see eventually. But your life is what matters now. Take it back and live it with all the confidence and love you can give. BE FREE!!!!

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Jamie says March 26, 2021

When I happened upon your post about narcissism, it was like the lights were turned on. It fits him to a T. I stopped becoming enraged at everything he said. I ignored him. I filed to evict him, and he said he would vacate my house in 3 more days. I had been trying for six months to get him out. I went ahead with the eviction and it was granted. The judge told him to stay away from my house. He was very angry, but he left. What a relief. He has gone back to his home state. The end of a horrible nightmare.

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Lynette Reddy says March 25, 2021

Hi. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 31/2 years. I loved uncondtionally and faithfully. I tolerated and understood. I believed in all the promises and hopes that we will live a happy life together. All I got was everything you described and more. The day I decided that enough was enough and I started enforcing boundaries was the day he decided to cheat on me while still telling me how much he loves and needs me. When he got exposed all he did was show no remorse but blamed me for humiliating him.He left me without a reason prior to me finding out about his affair. I still struggle with the emotional pain since i still love him but i will never take him back. Thank you

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I Respect Love says March 25, 2021

You will possibly hear some ridiculous lies out of the narcissist, too. I suggest collecting hard evidence of their behaviour (unfortunately this can mean walking around with a bodycam on 24/7 they are so sneaky). Mine triggered me multiple times on purpose (I have CPTSD from the narc abuse and other abuse, yet of course they are the bigger victim). Just so she could point the finger at my shouting (I shout FACTS when triggered, stuff I’ve been gaslighted about for years that I have a right to let out). The sheer manipulative deviousness is beyond belief. Absolutely disgusting and deep inside they know they’re a bad person but denial is king in our family. At this point I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire, frankly. No morals whatsoever, disgusting control freak and pathetic obsession with power, always the men who have to be the bigger man yet pushes Feminism aggressively (which makes sense since Feminism involves a huge victimhood story of all women, and provides a vehicle to hide individual narcissism behind). I was further gaslighted and punished by someone who held responsibility over me, for openly criticising Feminism for this reason, like it was my fault. Of course, this other person is also a narcissist, it turns out. So was my hairdresser. So was my ex, many of them, yet accused me of being so (even though it was them more than me, but they had some logic since I inherited the traits from family). Then there was my ex-friend’s girlfriend who was manipulating him before they even got together, and he wouldn’t listen, the fool. Since I was a threat to her ability to totally control him, I had to go (no love lost!) People are utterly insane to tolerate this. They also scapegoat Trump like he’s the only narc around – or even the worst type (at least he’s overt, and obvious, put it that way). It’s ridiculous to hear them act like they’re any better or aren’t narcs. Pathetic. They’re everywhere. It is scary to test for them these days… Good luck loving people, stay safe.

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    Robert Austin says April 5, 2021

    If they declared hunting season on Narc I would say good they are dead.If I was watching a Narc on fire I would walk away and not boast at their short comings.

    Reply
    Robert Austin says April 5, 2021

    .If I was watching a Narc on fire I would walk away and not boast at their short comings.

    Reply
K says March 13, 2021

I wish I had had this year’s ago… That being said all of these things, all of the heart ache is still there. I would love to be rid of it because I can’t move on with my life even with a car, my own apartment and friends
I still don’t have the confidence to get a job. I’m very well educated I know I can do it and I am so fearful

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Lovelybug says March 13, 2021

My mother is a narcissist and caused me to feel miserable as a child I’m glad now as an adult I’m able to see that she is a narcissist.

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Lydiah says March 13, 2021

I have also come out of a relationship with a narcissist,it has been hell.This article says it all

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Carol says March 12, 2021

This my thoughts on this. A narc will save up situations when they were hurt to fire back at you. A non narc makes mistakes but regrets them and tries to put them right and recognizes this and wants to move on. This me at this moment in time. At the same time I have been told that I have hashimoto disease this effects behavior and I was so sorry for my outburst but within that out burst I confronted the narc with nothing but the truth. That is when you really see their nasty side no empathy what so ever they are the victim.

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Kim says March 12, 2021

My mother, sister and several women at work have tried to take me down with their narcissistic behavior. I have put boundaries between my family. The girl at work is purely jealous I work only for insurance! She’s single black and with child not knowing who the father was. So she harassed me at work to feel better about her. Crazy thing is that she has talked crap about me to the managers!! Sad thing is that I was going to buy her many baby gifts to help her out!

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Thokozile T says March 11, 2021

Thnx for helpful advice about these trouble souls kind of beings, I suffer being ill treated by my colleague narcissists, armed myself with helpful advice and learning to know more about their sick behavior help me tactfully get the strength and wisdom to win her and break free from her abusive behavior, it was difficult for anyone to notice my pain or believe me when trying to explain what was going on,getting more knowledge in any website describe narcissists, It was like I finally saw the light to get out from the black hole I was trapped in for a long time, I became calmer freeing myself from her,I kept strong boundaries between me and her,and I gain my confidence back, and peace of mind, I’m still slowly going through a healing process, because I had a hatred anger abhorrence towards her,now I have found a place in my heart to just forgive her

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danie young says March 10, 2021

Awesome

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Ryan says March 2, 2021

Oh dear…

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Anonymous says February 28, 2021

This article is spot on!

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Frank says February 21, 2021

I’ve come out of a relationship with a narsasist

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    Kim Saeed says February 22, 2021

    I feel for you, Frank. I hope you are finding ways to heal and enjoy peace.

    Kim

    Reply
Anonymous says February 21, 2021

They LOVE strong women . It’s a challenge.

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Candy Alexander says February 19, 2021

Thank you for helping me understand what they are doing so I can free myself from the torture.

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    Kim Saeed says February 22, 2021

    You’re welcome, Candy ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

    Reply
Valorie says February 18, 2021

My baby brother conned and scammed everyone from our high school. Later in my 20’s after my divorce I couldn’t change back to my maiden name because of his reputation. Now he’s a bragging show off millionaire salesman. My mother made her golden boy executive of her trust, leaving me and my son out. My father had promised me $200, 000 which this brother swayed my mother to leave to him. He stands to gain $2 million. He brings up often his dislike that my son opened his heart at the eulogy for his love of grandpa. Now he’s out of the will that my dad left. He insisted I moved from my lovely apartment of five years to this condo my mother got after my grandmother died. He promised he’d have my mother put it in my name so I could sell it and buy my own home. Of course it was only so he can call me and tell me to get out in one week unless I do what he wants. I’m on SS disability pushing 70 years old and can’t save to move as he refuses to fix anything so I take out loans for furnace repairs etc. I had plans for my inheritance and this brother and my mother publicly humiliates me that I’m living off my mother and don’t work making me look pathetic. I enjoyed my life I had previously.

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Nicky says February 16, 2021

I met one in June..l thought we had a great connection..on my Birthday, the attention I’ve got from my friends and student’s texting me throw him off balance and he got way too upset , using Coronavirus as an excuse for his bypass and accusing me widely socializing (only text messages)..he left me..only short text messages now and then..no phone no face to face..no visiting just breadcrumbed and continued on meeting women on date sites for sex and move to next one..lied a lot blames his ex (deceased wife cheated on him) l don’t believe since he is a sex addict..lied and tried to keep me as an option..but l wrote and finished this nonsense for good blocked him..but he was still hosting me.. everything I read here is describing him 68 yrs old Aquarius man on dating sites..

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Sherry Wathen says February 14, 2021

I have known many.🦋

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Anonymous says February 13, 2021

I want to thank everyone who left their stories here. I just suffered another breakdown at the hands of my narcissistic ex almost 2 years after I’ve left and filed divorce. He’s dragged everything out and done everything to try to hurt me. I dream of the day the connection will be fully severed. It is a nightmare that I can’t just get away. Reading your stories breaks my heart, but I don’t feel so alone. I don’t feel crazy like I am driven to feel. It’s validating.
Stay strong everyone!

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    17 years and counting says March 2, 2021

    I would love to start friendships with whoever I can. I have no one to talk to about the hell I live in or any encouragement from my family. I pray for you all. Praise those who have broke free.

    Reply
Margaret Fitzgerald says February 4, 2021

Reading this is my Son to a T it’s taken me about 25 yrs or more and worse he getting that with a heavy heart I
Must step back for good before he puts me in an early grave

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Donna Schmidt says February 1, 2021

32 years with my narcissistic husband. Im 55 and realize by time im fixed from all this ill be too tired to date. I haven’t left yet as i am broke having supported himi for years. I had to stop working because of a nervous breakdown. Now i am bipolar2 which mostly depressed. I feel like this article is about my life. Cant believe i let this hapoen to myself. My house is crazy with fighting.im in a different bedroom
to avoid him and his verbal abuse. He just walks on and starts talking. He doesnt care if im on the phone. The older he gets the worse he is..get out/away from him. Life is too short to dral with a

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Nancy L says January 21, 2021

I had a horrible time recovering from a man I loved that was a narcissist. So difficult to deal with the anger inside for falling for his traps. He is continuously engaged and starts other relationships. Now he is on his second marriage. He seems to be sponging off women rather than acting like a man. It’s sad because I genuinely loved him and he is content to be a loser. I hope he finds the help he needs before he ruins another persons life.

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    Kristina Daniels says February 21, 2021

    They don’t want to change . They are perfect.

    Reply
Connie says January 16, 2021

I have been on the crazy train for 6 years. Lived with him for 2 years and kicked him out. Felt guilty about kicking him out and that is where the other 4 years went. On & off relationship with him… out of my house though. He was cheating on me the very first day he walked into my home and professed his everlasting love to me. That’s why he got kicked out. He blamed me for ruining his life every day after that. I became trauma bonded as they say with his abusive outlandish behavior. He yells at everybody then turns on the nice button to impress who he feels he needs to impress. Flirts with women right in front of me and tells me I’m a very jealous individual. I thought I was going crazy until I read what a narcassist is and it all fell into place. I knew he was nuts but I was so bonded to him that I began questioning my own sanity. I finally changed my number and went no contact. He showed up at my job and asked WHY? He loved me with all his heart. I was sucked back in and 3 weeks later he was doing the disappearing act and blocking my calls. I will never trust this person. I am waisting my life on this LIAR. I’m so tired of him sucking the life out of me. He wants to marry me he says. NO I am smart enough not to do it. He has been divorced 3 times and now I am well aware as to why his marriages ended. He wants a successful woman so he can build her up and knock her down when she doesn’t agree with him. We fought so may times over my son and I really feel he was jealous of my son and wanted all the attention. He would throw childish fits, get out of the car and start walking or scream in a rage when I did not agree with him. Anytime I tried to speak to him in a serious manner concerning the way he acts, he would laugh and smile and gaslight and move on to another subject real quick. He called me a liar all the time and had me listed as LIAR in his phone system. When I called him, LIAR would pop up on his phone. He cusses like a sailor, puts down others continuosly and thinks he knows it all. I have made the decision to block him again and never look back. It’s nice to see other stories and that I’m not the only one going through this hell. I really need to feel sorry for myself instead of this psychotic game playing NARC. I hope and pray this time he will back off. I hope his disappearing act is another woman…good for me but my heart goes out to his next victim.

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    LISA says January 20, 2021

    I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO A NARCISSISTIC PERSON FOR 20 YEARS AND WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING NEVER MARRY HIM YOU WILL BE SORRY.

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      Anonymous says February 19, 2021

      This was so much knowledge not to have.. Thanks

      Reply
    Anonymous says January 21, 2021

    This is new for me also, but I’m a strong women and I’ve been doing a lot of reading on men with this disease. We are victims. I’ve only been with this demented person for 7 months which I’m so glad that it really doesn’t bother me anymore, now than I understand he’s a narcissist. The only problem I have which to me is we have a lease together for 11 months and I have a disabled mother here but she seems to like him. He’s not abusive, but cheats.
    He is now living in the spare room on a air mattress 🤣.
    I can handle this for 11 months, I look at it this way, he lost out, he has nothing, no one but a room, and air mattress, I won’t let him on my living room furniture or he will get spayed down with Raid. I’m glad that I’m not in love and I did a lot of reading about Narcissist men and I really feel for women who are not strong enough to let go.

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Anna Holladay says January 14, 2021

Very true and extremely helpful

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Sammy says January 12, 2021

I am married to a narcissist who has a pattern of cop caller I recently embarrassed him bad in public he went crazy and sneakily called cops behind my back I never even knew until they where at my door now I have a felony that the state is trying to charge me with I am terrified. This is the 3rd time he has done this making false police reports about me.i investigated and you can be charged with a felony 1 year mandatory sentence and 500$ fine for making false reports domt know what to do this is my husband claims I called cops on myself. REALLY??? I would love feed back .I am just done with this whole thing. He has given me the worst experience of my life cant stop crying….

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    Mel says February 14, 2021

    You’ll find yourself in a mess because the narc sets you up. Best to move on. Detach and kiss em goodbye.

    Reply
    Kristina Daniels says February 21, 2021

    Contact legal aid or go to a woman s shelter

    Reply
carol says January 11, 2021

Get out from these relationship whilst you have life left to live. I have had to make the heart breaking decision leaving behind a baby so that the child wont be used in the horrid tangled disgusting behavior of the mother. My heart aches so much but until our son comes to his senses we know that what’s left of our life will be destroyed as well. Our sons partner has cut all them off from both family sides and friends yet cries wolf that know one loves them. I ended up with a break down trying to come to terms with the fact the our beautiful son became her flying monkey we don’t even know him any more he can be so loving the next totally mixed up and aggressive . It just breaks my heart to have watched the demise of what he once was a person turned into a shy slave with no confidence just heartbreaking. These narcs are greedy lazy self centered nasty pieces of work . I still question my sanity every day as to why these people are so nasty and what they get out of making peoples life’s so unhappy, Already she is using my grandchild for emotional blackmail using to hurt our family. I wish you all love and hope one day our son comes back to us and finds real love not fake demoralizing control that these monsters take from peoples souls,

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    Debbie says January 12, 2021

    Carol I know exactly how you feel have got the same problem only he had broken up with her .Then it cries wolf as kids went on a holiday with real Dad,to cut a long story short she had to pick them up &says can we stay with yous for a week or so,ends up weaving her way back with him and conveniently falls pregnant now we’ve back to we’re we started omg l wanna knock some sense into my son & it’s nasty bit gear,lazy beep

    Reply
    Valorie says February 18, 2021

    I raised my granddaughter till she was five as my son works and his wife lived across country with a sugar daddy that she got from doing pornography online. My son saw nothing wrong in this and now she comes back and I am not allowed to see him or my granddaughter again. I have read the messages that she texts him all day long. She has trained him like a slave to come home and do the dishes and take out the trash and not to be with any friends or his mother or she will break his computer or anything he values. You said it correct when you said shy slave. She put him down for being only a manager at a store that he loved and they moved away without him saying good bye. My concern is for my granddaughter that is only treated like her property now. She’s not allowed to have friends and stays in her room reading books even on summer vacations. She has been brainwashed to forget me. My granddaughter and my son are very social creatures and people love being with them. My sons wife admits she’s antisocial and is training them to be like that also. My son has charm and charisma that attract people and I see that his wife has destroyed that. Not even a phone call on Christmas:(:(

    Reply
Jeanette Moremi says January 11, 2021

This information I found me at the edge of my life thank you

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Ludy says January 10, 2021

Kim, you saved my life!
Thank you😊

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Anonymous says January 10, 2021

Kim, you saved my life!
Thank you😊

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Amos says January 9, 2021

I have been through all that

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Alice Slinger says January 6, 2021

I’m living with a narcissist help me to leave

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Famatta says January 4, 2021

I was with a narcissist forc18 years and didn’t realize it. He made me feel worthless. I had to leave him. Reading this article helped me understand his behavior.

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Martin Morse says January 4, 2021

Man this fits the woman i have been with for the last five years perfectly she has me so down on myself all i can think about is ending my life i have’nt had thoughts like that since i was a teen ager im 55 in a couple of months and all the good ive done and accomplishments ive made in my life anything that made me proud to be me has been stripped away shreded stomped on burned to ashes and blown away in the wind as if it never existed. To tell you the truth what i was befor seems like just a dream .day in and day out its like a recording. On a reel to reel when we first got together i made a mistake of looking at her phone because i was getting suspicious that she had other things going on out side of our relationship what i found out ragged me and broke my heart and when she found out i knew that was the day the devil came in to my life i have been in hell eversince ive never delt with this kindnof person without realizing it right away and getting as far away from them for ever but this one she sunk her tallens in deep stuck me in a place that makes it almost imposible to get out. All the times ive tried she’s called friends to help her keep me from taking my things that i came here with even the motorcycle my brother baught me .when i got the title she waited until i was asleep took it and put it in her name now when we fight and i want to leave she uses it against me just one more thing to give her the upper handive caught her and her daughter stealing my things many times. She tells me on a daily how her kid has screwed her over and shes not like that but they go hand in hand her daughter. Is exactly like her and she denys any part of it . the crap goes on and on deeper and deeper to deep. If i say something to my friends or family it gets back to her so i have no one i can trustbthis whole thing is so incredibly unbelievable i can only see one way out

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    myname says January 28, 2021

    I feel for you. I’m there too with a woman been with for years, though not as deep as you, I don’t share anything with her on paper.

    Leave with nothing if you have to, even starting from the bottom you will be so much better off so much sooner.

    I’m still looking for my way out, because I can’t leave where I am, and I fear repercussions.

    Remember who you were before she was in your life, be strong. Be patient. Don’t let them destroy us.

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    Kristina Daniels says February 21, 2021

    Pack up your stuff and if possible MOVE!

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Lav says January 4, 2021

Haahahahha public humiliation is the worst thing for them.
But the best you can do when you notice that you have narcis near is ruuuuun !

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Jermena says December 28, 2020

Kim, this is beautiful.
My boss and his wife right now are the devil incarnate. After thoughtful discussion with myself, I decided to walk away. I haven’t gotten another job yet, but am so happy just even thinking about my freedom that awaits me come the end of the month. I took up a stand for myself and decided to remove myself from this abusive and very toxic environment in which i have been working for the past 6 months. You will not believe their explosive reaction in my in-box when i sent them my resignation mail! All a long they had gotten so comfortable with humiliating me and belittling me, calling me useless and not worthy of their company, all while i was giving the best of myself for a smooth flow of work at the company. Because i chose to keep quiet and focus on fulfilling my duties at work, they completely took me for a fool. Now yesterday i dropped the bomb and they were so outraged and hurled all kinds of threats but its just a waste of time. I have already made my decision and there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it. I even found their outburst so funny…. i mean, you cant spend your entire time trying to prove to another person how useless they are, and when they decide to leave you, you all get worked up and try to get them to stay, all in the most pathetic way possible; threats and yelling.
All i can say is, good riddance!

Thank you Kim for your empowering words 🙂

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Nicole Bruce says December 27, 2020

I love your site and videos. I now realize that I’ve been raised by a narc and two of my three serious relationships have been with narcs. Knowing this helps me to make better decisions. Thank you!

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Don says December 27, 2020

Thanks to you. I’m a free man, of six months. It still continued. So I broke off all communication with her. She never new when to stop.

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Jane says December 26, 2020

This article really is spot on. I was in a living nightmare for 8 years but didn’t realise it at the time. Fortunately I got out of an abusive/violent marriage 20 years ago, with my baby daughter and son, and have never looked back. Such a liberating experience – difficult at first – but wonderful to find myself again. My children are doing very well and are well balanced individuals.
Wish I had found this exact article to read a very long time ago! I’m sure it will help others. Thank you.

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Anonymous says December 26, 2020

I’ve been married to one for 20yrs now and have finally found the courage to leave.

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Dionne says December 25, 2020

I was married to one 33years a friend send me this iets like on the spot

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Anonymous says December 24, 2020

Its only now that I become aware about narcissism, And as I read more about it i become afraid that I have narcissistic traits which I know I’m not before,My friends often called me sweet but after sometime when my partner betrayed me I got upset and really upset that I fight with him I was in rage Am I a narcessist?

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Rowan says December 24, 2020

This is SO wonderful, you describe my mother EXACTLY ON ALL POINTS! I did escape her, lived my life (was in a lot of therapy for awhile). Now I’m back living with her, she’s 80 and in the early stages of alzheimer’s so my living with her (no one else is willing to) allows her a last bit of independence…. but DAMN it’s hard to cope, my drinking and smoking are WAY up as well as having now developed blood pressure problems, I think you could guess why that happened. Anyway, LOVE your article, it has really helped, thank you. 🙂

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Robert Austin says December 24, 2020

You did a good job you hit it right on the target.I hate narciss so unbelievable I spit this poison out of my mouth everyday.I see it so clearly I spit out their poison everyday in the healing I am working towards healing.I was scorched earth.I remember far back as 3 yrs old I am now 67 yrs old.I have learn to hate narciss deeply.What a waste of time they are .I wish I was the invisible man and teach them a lesson that they were the ones going crazy come to think of it they are crazy and don’t deserve to live on this planet. I SEE THE TRUTH.Be still ,list, and watch they get consumed by their own fire .Love is love and be in love with love.

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Carrol Welch says December 19, 2020

This is the most truthful reading of a narcissist person I have experienced. Right on point!

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Anonymous says December 19, 2020

This is the most truthful reading of a narcissist person I have experienced. Right on point!

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Susan Brock says December 15, 2020

Never show weakness to him/her. Never show fear or depeat. Never cry in front on him/her.

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Anonymous says December 8, 2020

Am leaving with one narc and don’t know how to deal with him

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Carol says December 5, 2020

Don’t tell him. He will either get furious and threaten you or worse or he’ll put in the chart to lure you back. Either way it will make it harder. Just go!!!

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KrisB says November 28, 2020

After smashing a desk in the driveway happened, (changed the porch furniture triggered this) I went to his physician and explained the “rage was over reacting” and I was concerned, they asked me if I thought anything else. I said, “I am not a psychiatrist, but he exhibits almost every narcissist trait.” The medical assistant who is Jamaican (so is he) stated: “all Jamaican men are narcissist. It’s a misogynist culture after all.”
They called him in a month later, under the guise of “blood work”, and he has since retreated to the basement, and doesn’t say a peep.
He’s turned every family member against me, but honestly, they were not nice to me ever, so it’s actually a blessing in disguise.
My OBGYN and primary care doctors, all have this documented in my chart.
He’s exposed and he knows, professional people are aware.
I was skeptical they would even get involved, now they check on me all the time.
TELL PEOPLE who can report abuse & make him know it,.

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Marcia North says November 22, 2020

I’ve left my narrcisst but still have court to deal with because he claims I hurt him.hope I can get help before I give up.

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    Anonymous says February 19, 2021

    Stay strong

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Xavier says November 21, 2020

Great list. They also HATE it when they discard us and we ACCEPT the discard. I like this article about accepting discard.

When we accept their discard or silent treatment it shows them they are NOT valuable to get upset over!

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Numa says November 18, 2020

I left my Narc yesterday. I cussed him out and it felt so good because I had never done that before. Its been 3 years and I know that may not seem like a long time to most people, but it was to me. Everyone told me he was a psychopath and a whore but I didn’t believe it. I always want to help those that feel left out, so I thought everyone was bullying him, “I’ll be your friend” was the worst mistake of mine. He proved them all right. Cursing him out felt great because I’m tired of being hurt and punished for wanting to be in love. I deserve better.

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Co-co says November 15, 2020

Oh wow, though I know this, I lost myself with someone like this. Yet, you feel that it is your fault, the forgetting, being exhausted

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Travi says November 13, 2020

I am trying to leave 1st time with my n his dogs whom also get abused. I have no money, no car nothing as his destroyed it all. I am not sure what am going to do but i will not be here anymore. The DV HOTLINE IS USELESS as of tomorrow Nov14, 2020 I maybe homeless in Dallas, County, TX. Pray for me.

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MELANIE Mott says November 12, 2020

All of your comments reflects t both former lovers and my most recent boss. I realize now that the signs were screaming out ar me but I did not get it. I am now aware enough to walk ASAP!!!

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Jays 4 U says November 6, 2020

Nar= NEVER A RESPONSE

You have put your heart into a NAR. Your mission is over. The NAR is quick sand. They suck.

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Deena says October 29, 2020

I’ve been broken up with my Narrasticist for 8 months. The hardest thing I’ve experienced is not the actual break up but the smear campaign she has done and continues to do to me. I’m a public official, and she’s damaged my reputation with lies that effected my career, my family, my co Workers, and even some of my friends. She’s done so much damage in a year that I’m still pricing together her bold faced evil lies that effected my life. I’m glad she’s out of my life now and it wasn’t easy at first, but the damage she’s done to my reputation is the most difficult part to repair. They are truly evil, destructive, sick individuals. STAY AWAY.

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Tracey says October 29, 2020

Excellent piece. I was with one for nearly 3 years and it still affects me today 15 years later . Even though I’m happily married now .

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rosa says October 28, 2020

Great description and great advice! Well written ,too.

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Sonya Dunham says October 22, 2020

This article was right on point!!!

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jane do-re-mi says October 19, 2020

Yes, ‘lack of acknowledgment’ is a big one as not only does it make them feel snubbed by the person they thought was their biggest fan, but more importantly, because it frees you up to put the focus back on you, where it belongs.

Even if you feel like you’ll die of a broken heart if you don’t get a fix of them (I get it, I’ve been there and two years later I still struggle), I beg you to not contact them. Take it minute by minute. Make a cup of coffee. Walk around your home. Brush your teeth. Pet the dog. Stare out of the window at the traffic. Do anything to distract yourself from picking up that phone or answering the door.

You have to treat No Contact like your very life depends on it, because it does.

Mine actually started his smear campaign to his family and friends DURING the love-bombing phase and I knew it back then and I still stuck with his sorry a** for years. I beg you to look after your own heart, because he sure as hell won’t.

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Christine says October 19, 2020

Came across 2 Narcs in my life so far. Pulled them aside and told them I would kill them. They are into self preservation firstly, and made them think that they might have run into a psychopath who won t put up with their nonsense, gaslighting, lies , gossip and minions. Worked both times.

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Jose Castro says October 17, 2020

I think i was with a narrastic and meth drug user but i am slowly getting better everyday

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Cyndi says October 14, 2020

I am in a relationship now for 3 years just like this. I’ve been reading in narcissistic behavior for at least a year. There has been so much broken promises and lies and disrespect to name a few. I gave up my career and moved far away from my family believing in all the good in him . Nothing has changed as far as what he said was going to happen with us. He travels for work , so I am here with him, but it so happens that it’s near where I use to work. I have now accepted my position back and should start soon. As far as he knows it’s only temporary , but I’m not leaving my career or family again. That was my first step. Now once I have enough funds, I’ll be able to get my own place.
I’ve used my entire savings for a future with this person and all he’s done is take away my home , by not adding my name . I’ve lost that, but in time I feel my mental state is important. I’m happy I read this this morning.
Going to make it happen step by step.

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    Kim Saeed says October 14, 2020

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad to know you are determined to reclaim your life. Wishing you all the best as you move forward and heal.

    Kim Xo

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Jessica says October 12, 2020

Hi,
My name is jessica and i just wanted to say wow.
Just thjs evenjng like not even 10 minutes ago, i just parted ways with my recent ex. He has been trying to seek me out and hook back up, and i keep flirting with thr notion becausd Obveosly its harder than hell.
I seperated from him 5 days ago and today was the second day we visited , just talking, but long story shorter, i came in to look somethjng up on my phone and this article popped up. So out od curiousity i clicked to read it and WHAM! It hit me. If ever there was a sign….this article was perfect, drawn up beautifully, and thorough. I appreciated and could directly relate to every perspective on our so called loved ones.
I have had a couple other hauntinh narcissistic relationships with other people and I’ve spent provably 10 years trying to learn how to live without them. Its like being a prisoner on a tropical island. The land is magical ans there is everything you need there but you can’t just get off and you can’t swim to shore. But i keep trying and today i almost ate the fruit again but i asksd him to just go and fibbed about meeting up with him later just to create the gap. After reading this feel defeated in a sence because that inner part of me that was hoping to see him again and touch him again doest get what it wants this time because everytime she does it never goes well and i end suffering worse and the break up gets real messy.
I may not always be solid enough in my self to say that i will obstain 100% but i can This, i will do much better with this information to remind me of just what I’m dealing with. Its so easy to forget.
Thanks again,
Happy and safe travels on the path of true freedom and self discovery.
— Jessica

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Louise says October 6, 2020

Don’t tell him. I am just seven months after leaving my narcissistic husband. It was very scary and I was frightened for my life. After 20 years of marriage this was the hardest thing to do , but I did it and I can truly say it is the best thing I could have her done. I feel completely liberated! Just set up everything up new in your own name. Don’t try swapping things over. Start afresh and cancel the other things when you have moved out! Be brave and conquer your fears! You will feel like your old you again! Go for it x.

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    Navi says November 8, 2020

    This made my morning, thank you for this article and the courage to keep moving forward. Thank you Louise also for your truth, I also was married for 20 years and scared for my life when I left 7 months ago. I called a friend and she helped me & my daughter get into a battered women’s shelter , and file the order of protection . My daughter and myself are in therapy and by God’s hand we are beginning to heal one day at
    a time we are healing. I feel grateful to have read this article.

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Matilda says October 6, 2020

Thank you it has really opened my eyes.

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April says September 30, 2020

Hello, I’m pretty sure I’m married to a narcissist. I’m trying to get out and everything I read says to make a complete clean sudden break. I have another apartment set up, signed the lease I just can’t switch the electricity over because he will see the new address when he pays the current bill. I’m also confused because I feel like I should warn him? Not sure how to even start a conversation like that 🙁

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    Kim Saeed says October 6, 2020

    Hi April,

    Have you spoken to anyone at the electric company to see if they could set up a new account for you that won’t show your old and new addresses together?

    Big congrats on setting everything up for your freedom, by the way!!

    Kim

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Nad D. says September 30, 2020

It’s been two days now that I left him…I feel so broken and so wrong 🙁 My brain totally knows I did the right thing but I feel that my body is in a withdraw state…it’s so weird. But I know it’ll pass.
One point that made me really realize how deep he was getting “control of me”….I would stand my ground and point out his gaslighting ways to try to get me off my factual talking (being up in my face screaming and spiting) and I would find myself so full of rage (something I don’t have naturally in me) thatt I would push him….and after that in every argument he would say “well, at least i’m not the violent one, I don’t oush and shove…I just speak loudly like normal people”…and I felt so ashamed about pushing him…I just shut me up…everytime…for months.
I can’t or don’t want to talk about it with my family and friends….this felt like a safe place…so thank you…this felt good to just get it out of my head a little 💗

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Sheryl Roxas says September 27, 2020

Your article, How to Make a Narcissist Miserable: 12 Things They Hate; is by far the realest facts I have ever read in my 40 years of existence. HANDS DOWN! I am beyond grateful of articles like yours as people like me really needed a lot of reminders that being with an extremely toxic person isn’t living at all. That nothing in this world could or should ever make someone feel worthless. I cannot thank you enough as your article hit me real hard on the dot. Life’s too precious to be anything but angry, hateful, sad & bitter. Thanks so much & I look forward on reading more articles from you. You are simply awesome!

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Anom 709 says September 27, 2020

I am still saving myself for this narcissistic ex for over three years. We were together for three years. He was the only man that I ever loved. In the beginning he chased me for three months. I had no interest in him. Then I gave him a chance. I fell for him hard and fast. I lost friends over him. He was telling them I was talking about them. I wasn’t. I was giving him money regularly. I loved his children as my own children. We were the perfect blended family. Not living together. He slowly chipped away at my soul. I no longer know who I was prior to him. I constantly ask what I did wrong to destroy the relationship. He says I pushed him away and told him to go find someone else. I know that I didn’t. He was looking for his next victim, my acquaintance. She moved in with him within two weeks. That lasted three months. They spread such rumours about my mental health that I moved out of town for a while. As soon as she left, back he came. I believed him. Cycle started again. Another women, wealthy older widow. I was thrown to the garbage. Thank goodness I always kept my home. Every argument they had he called me. I would listen. When I felt desperate or hurting or like something was to good to be true for me I would contact him because I could count on him to belittle me and but me down. Because I was convinced by him that I would never have anyone as good as him, or deserving of anything good. He is no longer in that relationship. He was going to help me do some repairs on my house. I would pay him of course, two days prior, he said he couldn’t, he has a new girlfriend. He has the materials I paid for. I am trying to get him to drop them off. He won’t. He still controls me. I allow him to control me. I am 52 years old. Divorced over 10 years. Just finished chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. Always was considered beautiful. Self sufficient financially. Never dated anyone but him after my divorce. Only him. Yet I can’t let go. It is almost like he senses when I do, no matter where I am and he fishes me back in and I fall deeper for him. I am embarrassed that I am like this. I have had counseling, spoke to my pastor. Prayed to Jesus to help me break the chains. I actually feel like I am going crazy.

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Ivonne Abreu says September 26, 2020

My ex fits every single one of these. Luckily, I’ve been out of that relationship for 7 years and am better and stronger. Thank you for this information. It helps so much with healing for me.

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Kricket says September 26, 2020

It’s sad to say that I have dated several
Men who are narcissist and my dad is a paranoid schizophrenic and one as well, I truly believe I’ve learned to accept this behavior as normal but I’m trying now to leave one I’ve been with for 6 years. I’m also bipolar and it’s been so hard and very emotional for me. I feelike I don’t have the strength but somethings got to give. I deserve better

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Mary Anne says September 26, 2020

In my experience a narcissist feeds on negative attention because they can play the victim. So positive OR negative attention feeds their ego. It can also set the table with this behavior for making the other person out to be the crazy one. This is why I believe gray rock is not pointless and is very effective because it deprives the narcissist of your emotional response and, in fact, any response at all.

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    Kim Saeed says September 28, 2020

    Hi Mary Anne…thank you for commenting. In theory, Gray Rock should work, but in reality, No Contact should be used in all cases unless one shares a child with the narcissistic individual. Folks who use Gray Rock are often easily sucked right back into the toxic relationship because they are still traumatized. Gray Rock tells the narcissist they still have access to you, which doesn’t really affect them in any way. No Contact, on the other hand, tells them very clearly that they’re not part of your life anymore, nor are they allowed to access you whenever they want to.

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Claire Beckett says September 23, 2020

My father is a narcissist and l am 43. I dont live at home but visit him and my Mum regularly. Its my Mum l feel for as l can leave the house but l have to leave her there 😔

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linda says September 21, 2020

l am happy to have come across this list today. I was shocked when my best friends daughter cut off all contact with her mother. When I reached out to her, she talked about abuse and her mom being a narcissist. After reading the description in a psychology journal a. lot of things made sense to me for the first time. I have known my friend for 40 years and chose to ignore the negativity.

We have had a few conflicts that resulted in her giving me the silent treatment for months at at time. Both were because I defended my own daughter from her criticism. She never directly put me down, she instead expressed “concerns” about people in my life. She meddled and gossiped and I was blind to it.
She is very angry with me now but puts on a sweet face. She has stopped talking to or contacting me photos that I took of us on a road trip together have been removed from my Facebook account.

She has been called out on her behavior. I am so sorry that I didn’t figure out how her daughter was abused. I should have called child protection. There is no making up this “fight” she created. I am done.

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Ashley says September 17, 2020

Dearest Anon, you are NOT alone! Your ENTIRE comment is written as if I had posted it myself! In fact, I have said these exact words to his friend in hope that he would understand what I’m saying – heaven forbid anyone reads anymore, so forget sharing an article that CLEARLY defines this person and answers SO MANY questions! Yeah, narcissism is a mental/personality disorder but it seems as though their significant others are corrupted into becoming all the same type of victims with the same type of mental anguish! The cherry on top? I fell HARD for this person! Of all people, WHY?! How could I be SO clueless?! Now my poor baby has a broken home and she’s not even three years old…. my heart is destroyed.. everything that makes me ME is a forgotten memory. He stole everything from me and STILL blames me because “I did it to myself…”

I am completely broken.. am i even still a person?

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    G says September 21, 2020

    You are a person do not even think you are not. These people steal everything you can give them and place all the blame on others. You are so smart to get out. I grew up with a dad like this and the verbal and mental abuse you are saving your child form will be worth the heartbreak right now. You are amazing and do not let any self absorbed person take that from you. THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT

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SG says September 15, 2020

How scary is it when you know they would prefer to be widowed than divorced. It looks so much better to their next victum.

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Kate says September 9, 2020

These are excellent and very on target! It’s great when you give examples of behavior that so many people tolerate and overlook. They never change never ever ever. They do the same thing with every person they are involved with.
It’s a mental illness and personality disorder that’s why they’re all the same it’s a brain issue that is not fixable. Don’t waste your life thinking they will change because they will not

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sharon small says September 8, 2020

Really awesome wow

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Anonymous girl says September 2, 2020

I really need advice! I divorced my ex narc husband and have a child with him. There is tremendous amount of post divorce abuse and him withholding finances / neglecting child etc. He lives overseas and I am in the states. His family tries to reach out from time to time to speak to my child who is still a toddler – knowing they are toxic and I have no legal barring why should I allow his toxic family to speak to my young child? Or should I for the bigger picture? Please can you advise?

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    Hi Anon girl,

    As you said, there are no legal obligations, so the best course of action would be to protect your child from this toxic family. There is no “bigger picture” where narcissistic dynamics are concerned. This is one of those scenarios I talk about where we were programmed to believe we are obligated to keep people in our lives, whether or not it’s healthy to do so. The more you can protect your child from these people, the better off you and your child will be.

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Beverly says September 2, 2020

Oh, I am so glad I found this website. Most of the time I feel like I am crazy…but HE’S the crazy one-oh, yea, I’m crazy for listening to his nonsense-you got me there. But, now I know I’m not the only one! Thanx. Bev

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Sharon Magennis says August 28, 2020

My Narcicistic ex lives 5 doors away from me now with a new victim. I have to see him most days and I’m sure he’s done this on purpose. He’s on and off with her breaking up getting back together . I just want to warn her and tell her he’s dangerous

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    Kat says September 9, 2020

    Don’t try to warn the new one. They won’t believe you and you’ll end up looking like the crazy person. This is very typical in this situation. Try hard not to- You could get dragged into it and if he’s really dangerous he’ll know it was you and he could decide to deal with you in a negative way… They always win -they have boundless energy for crazy behavior.
    The only way is to delete them 100% from your life

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Anon says August 26, 2020

I am in this situation, have been for the greater part of this marriage. He can do whatever he wants, but when I retaliate the only way I seem to know how, by telling his family about him in the hope that they can help…he turns up the heat and plays victim, as if i cheated, lied, had anger outbursts and all sorts against him.
He always only remembers us when he has no one around him and when he needs a punching bag.Other than that, he is too busy ” putting the family first” with his friends, his alcohol, his business etc etc. When I out him, he feels like i am destroying his character, and worse still NOBODY sees this side of him.
Everything I do for my sanity is seen as a blight against him…
Am I mad, is he really a person with narc tendencies or is it just me…he makes me feel as if i am the narc…
He has removed my power, my self esteem, my ability to breathe, and my ability to achieve, to be my former self…he has instilled fear into me over so long, I dont even know any other emotion

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    Rowan says December 24, 2020

    I’m sorry, but a narcissist will NEVER change. They cannot. Do yourself a kindness and get away from him and get some good therapy. Seriously, that’s the only realist and health choice.

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gracie says August 25, 2020

I ditched the narcissist by getting disgusted and saying to him “you are not an introvert,
you are a narcissist that uses women and I don’t trust you”. what are the chances that this ill schmuck will try to contact me. I am committed to remain happy!!!

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Ann says August 25, 2020

The 10 Narc Manipulation Tactics are SO RIGHT ON!!!
I’ve experienced them all.
So predictable, wow. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad to be free of my toxic relationship.

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Akanksha says August 19, 2020

My husband is having Narcissistic personality disorder,help me so that I will live my life peacefully

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    Hi Akansha,

    I am sorry for your situation. I wish I had better news, but there is no way to make things work with a narcissist that isn’t incredibly painful. We can’t change narcissistic people and we can’t stop them from being abusive. The only thing we can control is ourselves and our own behaviors. Usually, the best way to stop the abuse is to leave the marriage altogether.

    Kim

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Lisa says August 18, 2020

I’m terrified to leave. I have animals that I love and it breaks my heart. I can’t leave them.
HELP ME PLEASE

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    Hi Lisa,

    Can you leave and take the animals with you? Seems that might be a good option.

    Kim

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JD says August 14, 2020

Here’s another:

Innocently ask a question that, if answered truthfully, would reveal a hidden agenda that they put effort into keeping a secret.

I learned the hard way about that one. The conversation went from peaceful to off the meter rage in .10 seconds flat.

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Anonymous says August 14, 2020

Good stuff, thanks

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Anonymous says August 14, 2020

Narcissist relationships are hell. How does a person become so hateful.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

Such encouragement at the end of the article! The description of leaving really resonated with me. It was horrible and amazingly crippling internally , but at the same time I was feeling better to be away from daily emotional abuse. And this drew me forward. Somehow I was able to create, in small steps at a time, conditions toward healing. As I put a few consistent healing steps in my life I’ve begun to see how I do need to alter the traits which leave me vulnerable to narcissistic predation and abuse. I now see the need to really respond to my body’s messages and need for eating and sleeping to be able to focus even more on my healing. In the middle of trying to leave the narcissist, it is encouragement to me that my healing is a misery to the person who created the conditions for my physical demise.
Thank you Kim again for such experienced insight, comprehensive information and all the encouragement.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

Thank you! Thank you for daring to send such candid information that is helpful in moments of distress. Every article I have read has contained pivotal information that I can’t find so directly from other specialists in this area.
I find every article you send valuable. Thank you for being so generous with the information!
The articles inspire me to send good thoughts and hopes to the so many who struggle in these situations. And you inspire hope in me! Thank you very much for what you do.

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    Kim Saeed says September 23, 2020

    You are such a sweetheart 🙂 Thank you for your kind words regarding my articles. I’m so glad to know they resonate with you.

    Sending hugs!

    Kim

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

Thank you ! for daring to say this and give us another tool, even if short term.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

I dont dont know how to walk away from a nacisist, I feel sorry for him and when he push the button then his soft sides is out.
Just think that i am going backwards and backwards .

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    Anonymous says August 14, 2020

    I feel sorry for mine too.

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      Anonymous says September 1, 2020

      I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first everything. He was my one and only. He made me believe we were soulmates and that we would grow old together. After 8 years of escalating emotional, physical, and verbal abuse, I was driven to the point of trying to commit suicide. Fortunately, a friend saved me and I was able to get the psychological help I needed to understand what I was up against.

      He had made me believe that I was paranoid and crazy. He had made me believe that I deserved the abuse. He had made me believe that my heart and soul could only ever belong to him and that no other man would ever want me. He would break down in tears in a way that alwaaays made me feel sorry for him and want to heal his wounds — and he made me believe I was the only one who could heal him.

      Time and time again I kept going back to him — even after my suicide attempt. No one could understand my addiction to him; not even me. I just thought it was “true love”. Only after my suicide attempt did I find out that he always had a fantasy that someone would “love him enough to kill themselves” and had purposely tried to manipulate me to that end. (The night before I tried to commit suicide, he drugged my drink, called in his friends, and had them gang-rape me — knowing that it would drive me over the edge because I had always kept myself only for him. It was such a traumatic experience for me that it took many years for me to even recall the incident. Never, never, never throughout even all of the abuse would I have ever believed him capable of such sadism and horrendous betrayal. But it was his secret fantasy, and he was playing god to see it become reality.) You never know what secret fantasy a narcissist is attempting to realize through you. Be so careful. Learn from my story. And don’t think you are an exception, or that you are invincible, or that the narcissist you know could never possibly be so sadistic. They live in their own world of fantasy. And you don’t know what secrets they harbor. You don’t understand their mind. And you know I’m right even as you read these words.

      The last time I went back to him I trained myself to break the brainwashing cycle. Every time he made me feel self-doubt and self-hate, I mentally turned the blame back onto him. So it was no longer self-doubt, but doubt in him and what he was saying and doing. No longer self-hate, but hatred towards him and how he treated me and made me feel about myself. It was a mental exercise akin to ripping him off a pedestal and smashing him on the floor. I devalued his opinion in my own eyes. Within 2 weeks I walked away without the slightest hesitation. Without a twinge of remorse — for him. My only regret was letting myself be hurt for so long when I had the power all along to save myself. After I left him I went to a friend’s house and sat on the floor in front of a mirror and just looked at myself in the eyes and cried. For the first time in 8 years, my tears were not for him. My tears were for me. In that moment I knew the addiction was broken. I began telling myself all the things I had ever wanted to hear from him. You’re smart. You’re beautiful. You deserve only the best in life. I love you more than anything in all the world. I support you. I believe in you… And the self-healing finally began.

      6 years later I still sometimes struggle with PTSD from the things he did to me. But I am now married to a man who genuinely loves me and reminds me of it every single day. Four years strong, and he never lets me forget how valuable and special and deserving of love I am. My husband turned out to be the light at the end of the tunnel I was always searching for from the narcissist. It’s an amazing and almost other-worldly feeling to be genuinely loved, valued, and supported after experiencing the black hole of narcissistic abuse.

      All of that story just to say… I understand feeling sorry for the narcissist. But right now you’re just living inside of a dark tunnel with no end in sight. At some point, you have to start feeling sorry for yourself too. Self-preservation, darling. You need to change your self-talk when around that narcissist. Every time you start to feel sorry for them, mentally twist that feeling into feeling sorry for yourself instead. Every time you doubt yourself, your sanity, and your value you need to mentally turn it back on them and see them for what they truly are. Doubt THEM. Doubt THEIR sanity. Question THEIR value. Once you take back control over your mind you’ll start to see that you’re the victim that deserves pity. NOT them. Darling, YOU are the victim. YOU are to be pitied. And YOU are the only one who can save yourself and obtain the happiness you’re fighting to earn right now. You have a divine, human right to be happy, to be genuinely loved, and to not feel the way you do right now at their hand. Keep reminding yourself of that. You are being abused. You don’t deserve to be abused. You don’t deserve to be hurt. You don’t deserve to be unhappy. Save yourself. You’re stronger than you know. You’re more valuable than you know. There are people who love you and need you and value you, and they want to help you. Just give them a chance.

      Next time you’re around the narcissist just start saying these affirmations to yourself and the rose-colored glasses will come off, the fog of self-doubt will dissipate, and the monster before you will come into full view and scare you out of your wits — and straight into self-preservation mode.

      Save yourself. Only you have the power to stop being a victim and start being a survivor and thriver. You deserve better. Remember that. Say it to yourself over and over and over. Chant it: I deserve better than this, I deserve better than this, I deserve better than this…

      There is light at the end of the tunnel… but only you can walk out of that tunnel and into the light. Narcissists thrive in the dark, but you are meant for the light. Keep saying it… I deserve better than this, I deserve better than this…

      The moment the true meaning of those words sink in, the phoenix in you will rise and be empowered to move on to the better things meant for you. You can do it… I believe in you.

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        Anon2 says September 23, 2020

        Thank YOU. So much. I feel like you know me and wrote this comment to me. You made me cry. It’s been so long since anyone has said such genuine caring words. I can’t remember if there was ever a last time. I don’t think anyone in the world cares. Really. To hear words of tenderness from an anonymous stranger is so powerful I just can’t imagine what it would feel like to hear them from someone near and dear. I will read this over and over like a love letter because that’s what it is. Thank you.

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Anonymous says August 13, 2020

I absolutely enjoyed this article Kim. Thank you for healing us.

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Carroll laneulie says August 13, 2020

Kim… I have an amazing back-up story I really need to share … would there be someone I could talk with?
Carroll

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