Discarded by a Narcissist: The Other Woman

Hello, there is never a short way of sharing this type of experience but here is my question. Why would a narcissist go to a store I am well known at, out in the middle of no where, near where I work and after 9 months of being separated with no contact due to him cheating and him asking for a divorce (yet never filed) when i found out and confronted him. The store owner asked me about my husband when he didn’t go into the store with me anymore I told him why. He was sad with me then last time I went in there it had been couple months he told me he saw my husband that he came into the store last week and my eyes went big and heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. He only said hi to him didn’t ask him anything because he wasn’t sure if we had got back together or what i told him no we don’t talk at all. I was moving forward and slowly healing but now knowing this has taken me back to wanting to know why he would come to this store knowing I would find out he was here. Why why why? I’m thinking what if he wants to see me maybe apologize no maybe to give me divorce papers I don’t know but he tried to stay in contact with the people I work for by sending an email to my client and she told me and asked me what she should tell him I told her not to respond to just block him. Now I hear that he’s been around here. I told my client what the store owner said and asked her if my husband had been here recently she said no. I hate that I ever met him he took 8 years of my life I got old here I am 54 struggling to even talk to any man that shows interest while he ran off with his homewrecking witch happily ever after. Why couldn’t I just be happy for him he told me. I said ‘what are you insane this is not normal you need help’.

Mine divorced me and married the girl one month after the divorce was final and I have never heard from him since and it will be a year next month

I’ve recently come across my ex boyfriend from college on social media and found that he’s still married to `her` – 20+ years I think. But back when we were together – we were together a year and a half – I found out he had cheated on me and when I asked him about it he denied everything even tho a friend of mine caught him. Anyway we broke up and both started dating other people. When he got dumped he showed up at my doorstep and of course, I took him back. He ended up moving but I thought maybe we had a chance at a future together. Little did I know he was still seeing the other girl and had been lieing to both of us! She and I spoke on the phone and found out that he was `playing` both of us. We both walked away from him but I still get PTSD and emotional triggers all these years later. He acts like he wants to be my best friend on social media but I’ll never trust him again. Is it even possible for a pathological liar and a cheater to stay in a long term marriage? Or did he basically marry an empathetic clueless person, who is also unattractive so he can continue being a narcissist player? Or did he learn from his mistakes and become a descent person?

Well, she may have been skinnier , but she is a meth head and stripper so go figure. Bye husband, don’t even think about another hoover !

So sad my Husband was having an affair with a college girl whom he didn’t know I knew about. Everything little mistake my husband would pick on me and leave the house for weeks.

Once he blatantly started letting his secondary come over when I was with him, I had enough. I thought she was gone when Covid started. He was so sweet and made me believe he finally committed until signs started he was seeing someone else. I finally decided to leave him. I took flowers he’d just given me and a watch and walked in his place and handed them to her. Walked away. Was getting stronger and loving myself. Got As in grad school which I’m in. Then his mother had a stroke. She loves me and as painful as it was during the 3 months of no contact with her son, I continued to visit her in her nursing home. After her stroke I got lured back in his life as we cried and comforted each other. Love bombing to the max. Turns out she is still in his life. I guess my place as his “primary” became hers during my absence. Now I’m the spare as I’ve learned. Stupid me began to believe she was discarded. He blames me for leaving him for 3 months. I worked on myself. I just learned he bought her a ring, which she showed me the last time I went to his place and she was there. He is so scummy he started pawing and kissing me in front of her. He said that’s what the ring means to him. She stood there dumbfounded. She still continues to come over once a week. She is not attractive, works a minimum wage job, and drives 2 hours to see him. This is what hurts….I am in grad school, have a professional career, in much better shape and considered pretty. I put others before myself ..family and clients as a social worker. I don’t get it. She would do anything for him. He said he wants both of us in his life. I need help. I can’t let go emotionally. I am struggling.

This punched me in the gut, hard. It was needed, though. I stupidly assumed his new address (on the divorce paperwork) was his new addiction-recovery live-in address for the rehab program he was in at one point. It was very likely one of his new girlfriends. It’s been 7 months since I’ve seen him or been anywhere near him, and this still hit really hard. Ouch. I mean, I’ve known for a long time he had been cheating on me, and of course, I’m sure what I know is only the tip of the iceberg…but I guess there was still that part of me that wanted to try to believe he was bettering his life. I really hope he is doing that, but I have a strong sinking feeling that’s where he’s living with his new supply.

So very true. My boyfriend of 4 years just dumped me for another woman. He moved in with her a week after our breakup but still denies there’s someone else. He’s a classic narcissist. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Throughout the relationship he’s cheated numerous times, lied and stolen from me. He kept his ex on speed dial. I paid for everything while he spent his money on who knows what. Everything was always my fault. He took no accountability for his actions. Each time he started talking to someone new, I would get the silent treatment. I didn’t exist and nothing I did was good enough. I was told I’m worthless, stupid, ugly, crazy, a horrible person and mother to my kids. I was constantly compared to his exes and lost so much while with him. It’s devastating being in a relationship with these people. You give all you have to give only to be told it’s not enough and you’re not enough. I’m still struggling with the aftermath of this ugliness but know I don’t want or deserve this in my life. I’m looking forward to picking up the pieces and starting fresh.

Everything you said is very true! I separated from my husband and 9 months later he was with someone else. I went back to him cause he wanted to work the marriage, wrong thing. I ended up worst. He compared me to the supply and made rude comments about my body and face. I came to my lowest, but I can say that Now I’m becoming someone new. Been separated for 3 years

Exactly what you’ve stated is how it happened to me and he stills tries and continue to have sex with me when the new supply and him are fighting I say he continues because we share a son and he stills thinks he can have sex with me it took me a while to understand where my family was telling me about him the whole 2 yrs n I just finally got it about 6 months ago that I now suffer from PTSD and he still tries to seduce me when they fight or he tells me things like she can’t do that I did for him anyways i tried to warn her about him she believes in somewhat ive said but she goes back everytime I feel bad for her and I pray for her she has no idea what this man can do and she is blinded by the bullshit

Thank you so much!

I’m devastated. The man I have been with for 7 years has left me. We are both 52. Things were good between us. We always communicated and told each other everything. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with severe congestive heart failure. He almost died, and I saved his life. The past two years were rough, surgery for an internal defibrillator, many doctor appointments, I lost my job and the new ones I was hired for. A year ago was when he began to change, blaming me for everything. I found out he had been cheating on me with a 32 yr old girl on March 27th of this year when my gynecologist told me I had an easy to cure STD! My husband confessed to the affair of 3 months, said he didn’t want to lose me, but wanted to have a relationship with both of us because he was dying and wanted to do what he wanted to do. I was not able to do that, at least not with the girl responsible for passing along the gift that keeps on giving. She denied ever having it, and still does to this day. He has now left me and lives in the second home he was renting when we met, and she has moved in with him. He has nothing to offer, no job, he cannot work, and she is so mean towards me in her text messages to me. I blocked her. She found out he and I had sex every time he was coming over to get some of his things. He was prolonging leaving, he didn’t want to, and I didn’t want him to leave either. He was lying to her and lying to me. He was so mad that I told her he was still having sex with me and still had a lot of things here…all the truth, so he won’t talk to me, reply to my text messages, nothing. He has narcissistic tendencies in his character. His health is declining, he refuses to go see the doctors, won’t refill his prescriptions, and she has no clue how bad he is. They have a lot of fights, and it gets him all worked up to dangerous levels of heart rate and blood pressure. I can’t do anything about it, and I believe she will be the death of him due to her very lengthy criminal record and past relationships with both her ex’so killing themselves. I have a hard time with all of it. Neither of us have filed for divorce, the house was mine before we met. He was the only man I married, confided in, and I wish I could save his life again. I’m lost.

I am a mess 🙁 My husband left me when our child (who we had fertility treatment to have) wasn’t even 2 for someone he met on the internet!!! We’d been married 7 years and I had no inkling of it coming. Anyway …. fast forward 7 years – ex is married with a new kid – I’ve been on my own ever since.

A colleague from another office and I started getting on really well – having a laugh, going to lunch etc. He was living with someone and they had a teenager – he told me they led separate lives and that he’d once had an affair that she found out about but he went back for the child’s sake – he told me he slept in the spare room, that she was a psycho – always screaming and shouting at him – basically, he played the sympathy card and I fell for it.

Our conversations started getting flirtier – constant messages and phone calls telling me how beautiful, understanding etc I was ….. I fell for it and my resolve to “just stay friends” until he left he went out the window! He constantly flattered me, told me I was beautiful (which I now can see was the lovebombing stage) and I felt LOVED! Sex was amazing, we met up at any opportunity (always in the day though, or we took days off together and met up at mine) and I was in love.

I asked him to spend a night away with me and, when we eventually did 7 months into our relationship, it was great – lovely walks, romantic meals, sex a number of times in the night , waking up in his arms …. bliss!!

That was in the summer …. we carried on as before with me occasionally asking when he’d leave her as by then he’d told me he wanted to marry me – there was always an excuse – his son was doing his exams – his son was getting into uni – he didn’t want his sons degree to suffer if he left …. another year on and we managed another night away. (During this time, he still went on family holidays with his “partner” and son -he was upfront about it, telling me he was doing it to keep the peace etc, staying in separate rooms, calling me whenever he could!!!!)

Then came Christmas and I went away just before it with my child – because we went overseas the phone calls couldn’t happen due to time differences so it went back to messaging. When I came back I was desperate to see him and thought he’d want to see me too – I asked him to spend the night with me – he said he would then it turned into a couple of hours after work, going for a meal 🙁

Things changed slightly and he didn’t seem so keen to see me, but we still did – by this time, he’d moved to working in the same office.

Another 7 months, so having been “together” for 2 1/2 years we managed one more night away – he then want away with his “family” again and came back saying he needed some space – we started arguing (no idea what about – he just bit at everything) and everything I said was wrong, or a dig, or smothering etc. I broke down and confided in a colleague – she went and told a member of his team all that i’d said and that team member told him!!!

He went mental at me, asking why Id betrayed him etc – Xmas was when he eventually spelt out that we “wouldn’t go back to how we were” – it was then I noticed the team member and he were always together – I saw his car at her house when they were both on annual leave – he lives 30 miles away from our office – she lives 15 miles in the opposite direction – he lied about where he was but I didn’t have the confidence to admit I know where he’d been – challenged the bitch – she deleted me from facebook having previously been friends with me on it -he went nuts at me – its been 2 years now and their team are sick of them – every time one of them is off, the other is – they come in together, go to lunch together, leave together (behaviour I recognised from “our” time”) and he wont even speak or look at me, yet I still miss him!!! I know its insane and unhealthy – when I’m being rational, I can see he’s a narc and just wants his supply but she’s 4 years older than me, pig ugly, a grandma and looks smug as anything when I see her … it hurts like hell 🙁

OMG, I read this and it’s a blueprint of last 8 years of my life with this Academy Award performance. I’ve finally had enough. I exhausted every possible chance for him to redeem himself, but I lost all respect for him, but not before torturing myself, and thinking the power of love would conquer, but I was out of my league. I faced evil, and my love turned to disrespect and decided to endure my pain, and embrace that I was real, human, empathetic, and would survive and thrive, but celebrated I’m not HIM, and I stepping off the rollercoaster, and she is just getting on with him. I’m in love with the man he pretended to be..but loathed the man he reallly is..and those who allow him to continue this others..I may be slow, but not stupid. I loved honestly, and I will not give up. I am ok alone. I missed me. Thank you!

I spent 2 years with my N. I m still in love but try to hate him to move on, not easy.. we had such chemistry and incredibly passionate relationship..it s the man i was finally satisfied and happy and the best lover of my life.. he is the kind of man, 44, looking younger, handsome, sexy, charming like hell, good situation, good relationships (family, friends, kids, etc ).. so this doesn t help for the recovery.. It s been 3 months now i left him, from a day to another, while he was at work, i took my stuff and drove 800km in a new city. The first year was incredibly perfect, we moved together, he introduced me to all his family, friends, i was “the center of his universe” until his mask fell down, and he started sometimes to b agressive, or full of rage for so many things, and physically violent, but not often…95% amazing, 5% unpredictable…i felt after the 3 physical act of violence (never too strong, never traces). I left him whereas i still love him, asking him to work on his violence that i can t accept. He didn t fight for me more than writing few emails, and few calls whereas i blocked him like adviced. He found my new adress after 2 months of silent treatment i don’t know how, and sent my the few stuff i forgot in his flat, without any letter, or note to get me back or whatever..few days before a common friend wrote me that he wrote in his group friend online that he has no more contact with me, “her new name now is julia” with a smiley which laugh…i feel like shit, replaced like a bag, and i realise that if he officiales the relationship now only aftr 3 months, it means he had her much longer.. i m totally broken

I am currently going through this. I left my ex-narcissit before he could discard me because I saw it coming. I also saw him grooming his now girlfriend for a couple of months prior, hence, why we argued like animals the last three months of our relationship. He cheated me another time a couple of years prior and I took him back. Since I’ve left him I found out about the other women he flirted with while he was with me. Logically I know he’s trash and I’m better off. Mind you this is all still fresh for me that’s why it’s hard to see that he will do this to her. They are actually good for each other. They do have a lot of the same things in common including their lack of empathy. She is nothing like me and I mean nothing. We are complete opposites that’s why I think it will work for him this time. I struggle with not wishing them unhappiness because I know I’m really putting that energy onto me not them. I want to wish them well, feel indifference and move on and be happy and successful by my own definition. It’s just hard ☹

something very funny and disturbing as happened to me two days ago, my bf of three years has been in another relationhip with a woman in london for over a year. in his quest to try and make me believe he is not with her anymore he let me message her and made things worse because the woman called me and we both came to find out what game he was playing us. he has been furious with me and insulted me and lashed out that he doesnt want to be with me anymore because he got exposed to his london lady. what exactly will be going on in his mind?do you think he will come back?

Two months since I was discarded after 10 years of marriage, it was brutal, I am still in shock and disbelieving that he could do this to me. Now beginning the process of untangling our bank accounts, etc, every step feels like a hot knife cutting through my heart. I am now dependent on family financially having lost almost everything after dismantling my life to live overseas with him only to be kicked to the curb when he settled in and found new supply. I knew nothing about narcissism until very recently and what happened in our relationship is ‘text book’. In the end he very harshly and cruelly blamed me for the demise of our marriage and I am now experiencing severe cognitive dissonance and heart ache. I am shattered and don’t know how I’ll get through all this. Thankfully I have returned to my country and have support of family and friends but most people don’t understand the extent of how damaged I am and I find myself having to ‘hold it together’ when around them. All that I was and had before meeting him he now is and has; I am a shadow of my former self. Having to start my life again at 53yrs of age is terrifying and I am starting the cord cutting rituals after reading about it because the ‘connection’ is there and I now believe that this is what is holding me in a state of despair and disbelief. Most of the time it feels like my heart is going to explode and I cry endlessly, so sad and so very hurt. The only silver lining in all this is that I went into the relationship believing that I was broken and in the end I realised that I love unconditionally and am a very loyal and generous person. I don’t know what my future holds but I’ll do all that I can to heal and hope to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of my former self with love and joy in my heart once again, because that is who I am. I am learning all about boundaries (weird that at this age I am just beginning to do so) and know that I will grow wiser and stronger as time passes.
Thank you so much for all that you provide, it has been a great help.
May the universe shower you with love and light.

I wish I had read this a couple of years ago… when I first saw an awkwar behavior with a specific girl on facebook, i asked him who she was or what was the story there… he somehow knew i was suspicious and made me wait two hours until he could finally “gave me his precious time” to talk, then I aked, And his response was “really that was what you wanted to ask me?? you should be worried about what happens inside of me, not around me” because he was destroyed by his ex who left him and sent him the divorce papers… yes now i get the whole picture…He trained me to be alert of facebook to get to know where he was or what was he doing, i never understood why he got so upset if i sent him a whatsapp saying hi and didnt know he was in a meeting busy… now i know that he wanted me to be there all the time and actually see all the other possible supplies , so i would either loose my head and give him a reason to leave me or avoid that step and i would eventually leave him and him again be the victim. I even remember he even asked me once “don’t you ever get tired??” And i was like “about what?” pff I feel so stupid. He is the devil himself..
Thank you so much Kim for being a light in my path <3

Every word is true I sit here trying to regain myself but I lived throw everything say over and over again knowing that it will always be that way. The biggest thing to get threw is self forgiveness the hardest to do I am still trying before he calls again, wasted the best years of my life for nothing. The worse part is wanting to forget and living threw every mistake every minute of everyday for the rest of what I now call a life.
What you get is broken dreams, broken promises, and their broken word. don’t believe a word that comes from their mouths not a word is ever true.

You know after the complete realization that I was dealing with a Narc, I recall my grandmother telling me after meeting him. That’s a dangerous man he is going to ruin you! and the rest is history!
Wow…I have been on Quora for about three months now and it helps me cope with the truth for Im still under his spell however I followed the link over to this blog and Im very Grateful, for it provides next steps where as stated some blogs or resources can be very misleading.
My Narc is half my age and we have two son 7&1 he exited a divorce into our world of CHAOS.
however it amazes me and further warns me that I better take heed, because his ex-wife of 12 years who remarried 6 months after divorcing him still aids him and is his side supply and when I found out I was SHOCKED! surprised at how she could be so stupid, but now with better understanding of his possession over her that Im heading for deep sea death by emotional murder. You name I have gone through it with this man he is 56, and I 31. Im at a choice point and I ask for an universal prayer that Im one protected that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Two that I no longer act on impulse but action and to develop that plan B in to taking steps to secure myself and family. I have been through hell, I lost my faith and my mind I did a lot of work to be able to deliver this message, meaning spiritual work and reflection I believed in going to war for this man at all cost even my my children at times. I trust in the higher power but one thing is true and for certain there is not real pivotal moment for a Narc.
I have afflicted as much pain on him as he has on me but one day I said to myself Freeya if you kill this man he still wins for he will still have power and control over your mind even in his death, that’s when I knew this wasn’t a war that could ever be won nor should it be fought and that mindset didn’t change over night, but it made me more cautious and aware of my reactions. I tell myself that if I didn’t have children I would go down in history fighting for a love that didn’t truly exist. Because the feeling is that Id never give up on this idea of Love with this man, however I do have 3 remarkable sons and I want to enjoy the blessings they are and gifts they all came bearing.
So at this choice point I choose me! I threw all his every item that he owned in this house into the back woods after the last betrayal which is why I’m taking the time to write this entry because, I’m better informed and prepared this time to take the high road and stop this non-sense. I get it and it took a resurrection of my brain to accept it but I did that too.
I wish to be Free so then Im Free…
Thank you so very kindly for Reaching me on this day I followed a trail to get to this moment, and the sense is that I have arrived to a place where Im OK. and just OK.
For the record for any woman that just so happen to read this and know somebody who know my Narc newest and or old/current supply Beware of Keith Moore he is armed and dangerous with a quick ruin of supply for myself and his ex-wife have been good ol faithful for years now competing for a Love that is no where for a friend that is unreliable and an enemy that is for ever present. I apologize for the hurt and shame I may have caused her by way of participation but I really hope she does the work to Free herself as well. Prayers go up Blessings come down.
*Be-Loved

Does the abuse affect the short term memory, I was married to a narcissist for 22 years recently divorced he discarded me a year ago and my short-term memory is just terrible is this one of the side effects thank you.

Dear Kim, your words resonate with my broken heart.

Thanks Kim x You are my amazing friend of enlightenment x You make me happy and you make me a survivor x

Yes it is Elizabeth it’s like your heart is ripped out but I’m now 16 months FREE and each day gets a teeny bit better!

I so agree my dear I put up with my Narc for 5 more agonizing years after he really started the silent treatment. I couldn’t figure out why he was so cold to me in the bedroom, I tacked it up to age, as I was in menopause but that simply wasn’t the case. Then one day he just decided to discard me after 24 years together, it was brutal but I’m determined I’m moving on and I’m better for it!?

Omg I’m so sorry that is horrible I thought my situation was bad but he never hit me I think he was always afraid of leaving bruises. These types of men are psychopaths.

My Narc was sleeping with his daughter’s mother. But this wasn’t his first time cheating. When I found the last one it was worse than the other times. I had my suspicions, but he would just say I was delusional and jealous and there was nothing going on between them. Then the proof smacked me in the face. There were the messages between them. So I confronted him (again) but this time he punched me in the face and threw me down some stairs. This all happened in front of the daughter (6 years old by the way) I had him arrested, changed the locks, and changed my phone number. Then I immediately found out he moved in with her when he was released from jail. He plead guilty, but got a year probation. This whole situation devastated me, hell I’m still devastated. The just happened in March. I’m in therapy and I try to keep my mind occupied. It’s hard. I still think about him a lot.

You’re never too old to start over. You’re breathing, you have LIFE, and every day is a new beginning.

Carol, I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. My heart goes out to you ❤️

So glad I found this site. From my own experience, coming out of a 3-1/2-year relationship with the classic narc, they love the silent treatment, they are notorious for belittling you, and after a fight with no contact from them, their modus operandi is to contact you again like nothing ever happened. If you try to bring it up with them and say that “we need to talk things through,” they’ll put the “talk” off and say they had a bad day or “now isn’t a good time to discuss it.”

I am so glad I’m finally free of my emotional abuse. I can’t believe I let that man steal so many years of my life.

Ladies who are struggling with leaving, you CAN do it! You are extremely precious and lovely human beings. Evil is attracted to a flame just like a moth, but what you are experiencing is that flame action in slow, excruciating motion. Let your light/flame continue to shine, and don’t let them extinguish it.

Kari please don’t think like that i have started dating again at age: 50 and there are some terrific men out there that do love andcare. Just because we ran into ONE stupid Narc doesn’t mean we are doomed!

Agreed I just turned 50 and we were 10 years from retirement it’s all GONE! Financial and emotional mess!

Agreed Kim he’s a Narc. Mine didn’t start to show the real red flags until about 5 years ago. Our sex life was non existent and I tried to work with him on repairing the damage but he wasn’t interested. I noticed he was constantly hiding texts, 53 year old man it was like a teenager in heat. Then my daughter got on his cell one evening and confirmed everything!

Omg 6 hookers??? These types of men are insane I know mine had a terrible childhood his mother is a TOXIC Narc also but I didn’t know when I married him! My dad warned me something was amiss but did I listen? Nope

Yes he’s a Narc and so not fall for that bullshit. A man who cares and loves you is not sneaking around

This has literally just happened to me. I had enough, told him over the phone I was ending it. At first he seemed angry (I could hear it in his voice) then he said “No your right”. I had caught him with another woman so I was not going to beg for him back.
He returned overseas, so I came home to pack my stuff and discovered her hair in our bed and in the bathroom, wine glasses in the dishwasher, But he obviously used a different credit card to purchase the alcohol. Why some deception and leaving me to find obvious clues?
II had just spoken to him before he boarded his flight and he said he was not interested in a serious relationship yet she has flown interstate to our home twice now (that I know of).

My husband walked out after 25+ years marriage, miffed that his birthday wasn’t celebrated with enough fanfare. Of course, the problems ran much deeper than that, or I wouldn’t be commenting here! He had threatened to leave for years, and that was the excuse he chose to give. He didn’t find the other woman for a while, though I know he had chased plenty of women throughout our marriage, it just took a while to settle on the one who would back him up in his determination to destroy me and my reputation and willing to work also on trying to turn the children against me (hasn’t worked so far). She is as narcissistic as him (incredible, I know), and now they report her as saying most of the nasty things about me, and only once in a while him (when she happens to not be around he has to do his own dirty work). They had lived in the same house for a long time, putting on a show of living in separate rooms (both claim to be religious) when the children are there on visitation. The divorce is slow in being finalized (he refused to sign papers for months) which he blames on me (as he does everything), so I guess they got impatient and the story is went a got married out of country so they can now “legitimately” sleep in the same room when they children are there, not that they didn’t before when the children weren’t visiting. Of course, that makes him a bigamist, and the second marriage is considered void, but in their warped thinking it works. The police can’t do anything because I have no paperwork, and because we are getting divorced anyways, don’t think it would be worth their time even if I did have proof of the second marriage. The children don’t understand how someone can break the law and get away with it, and that frustrates me, too. And don’t get me started on how he can win over church, friends, the court. It feels like the narcissist can get away with anything. Anyone else have their ex do this?

Rosie NO please don’t give up you are a beautiful woman don’t let that loser destroy you rise above him and show him your the better person

No his name starts with “R”!

Agreed Elizabeth it’s brutal especially with children involved but I like and respect myself and I will be damned if I’m putting up with a cheater!

Yup I know exactly I took the SOB out for a 50th B day dinner and he never even thanked me. We were always taught by mom to thank for any gifts big or small. Then when we got back to the house he had this attitude I was angry as well as I had already been through one affair with him and we had tried to move forward. I said to him I will no longer tolerate anymore cheating in this marriage I have been faithful 24 years. After I gave him that ultimatum all hell broke loose. The mask came off, the devaluing and full on nasty discard! Like our marriage never existed!

I know exactly how you feel it’s horrible. I’m divorced now one year and getting my life back slowly. My ex husband was a malignant Narc, lies constantly, his on his cell phone! I would hear the texts coming through between 1:00 and 3:00 am and ask him to please tell his work buddies that’s too late for texting. Well did I get a surprise when my daughter got on his phone one evening after dinner and reported to me, mom he’s not texting other guys!?

I’ve been dating this guy for three years. He has always told me he doesn’t want to commit yet, I wasn’t able to see other people. After two years, he told me he wanted to be committed. after two months, HIS OWN SON told me that he has been lying to me and cheating on me. He continues to lie about where he is and tells me I’m exhausting and like a stale marriage when I question him. He went back to I love you so much BUT….. I want my freedom. If you just let me do what I want, I’ll always come back to you. I have never been so disgusted and hurt. So, I think he is a narc. Do you? I know in any case, I need to do NO CONTACT. Again, his own son told me block him and that I deserve better. I feel like a fool.

I’m going thru this right now. It’s painful

I was in an off and on again relationship with a narc for 15 years. Finally figured out what he was. I have a friend who became a FWB recently and I’ve questioned whether or not he’s diagnosable NPD or just ha some traits since he’s not mean or cruel, unless pushed by me. I have BPD and I know we’re attractive to these types and vice versa. He has a gf and has said a few things that reminded me of my ex narc. We’re no longer FWB and still talking but I think he’s grooming a new source of supply. I reminded him of his gf since he said he started feeling guilty about sleeping with me. I knew it was temporary anyway although I wanted to be the one to end it just to prove to myself that I could but he beat me to it. Anyway, he tells me that he was invited to a St Paddy’s Day party by a woman who is interested in him but he’s not interested in back. I find that he’s interested in every woman though or so it seems and I don’t know if he’s a sex addict like he claims, serial dater, or narc. I decided to cut contact way down because why do I need someone like him in my life? He doesn’t fit the criteria completely and I certainly don’t want to assign that label if I’m wrong. I know I have some narc traits too so I don’t know if I’m just expecting everyone whom I’m attracted to to be one.

Don’t feel foolish I also reacted badly at first but I have learned from my mistakes. The psychopath moved his new supply into my home a week after my discard she knew he was married that just encouraged her more. Complete SLUT off a dating site! They are nothing more than supply to be used as you were until they are tired of his bullshit!

I am aware that he had narc tendencies. My ex husband was a narc and I have done a complete study on the disorder for years. Nothing with him ever completely surprized me til now
He left me for someone else but we weren’t haven’t any problems but he did say one thing to me before he left. He is southern. I am from NY. He made a general remark about NY, it was mean and he said it like everyone around him confirms it. It became personal. He lied about how he was leaving too. Until I realized it was a lie. I’m hurt as if someone broke up with me but I’m not in the floor in a pile of ash. I could be but illl be ok.
Great article. I should have heeded my own advice and left st the first sign. Debbie

My Narc is malignant and the discard brutal it nearly destroyed me but now a year later I love my kids so much I fight tooth and nail everyday. He moved into my house with the new woman and changed all the door locks a week after my discard!

what if ur not sire he had new supply but 99% think so not sure he delibereltyl drove u away or just focused on “new one” i reacted violently screaming im leaving at 4 am he got griossed out said go leave never come back no sex b4 like ur gone already except responds kiss hugs nite butcbecame abusive when u were unhappy or questioned u exploded he said “ ur idea to leave so its your idea” now how do u no contact if u didnt leave early to do NO contact all this would of been avoided NO recovery i looked like fool and said i luved u and u act like ur seeinn someone … i feel foolish causexno validation.

My narc process was not exactly the same…And I would like to see more written on this. My x narc was smart, clever. Mine never really discarded or got nasty. He just kept on cheating and finding new supply. He basically had a group of women…5-6 that he circulated through, but two of us were the primary because we lived closer to him….depending upon where he traveled. It all worked in harmony for him, until the most inquisitive and suspecting girlfriend (me) started investigating. When I found out about all of the affairs, he definitely tried to hurt my reputation and point the finger at me. But he never discarded or was mean outwardly. He wanted to keep us all. The story is still the same…we were all a meal ticket. He has no emotion, but he had us all believing that we were so special to him. But one of the reasons we stayed with him so long was because the good times were fun and he never was mean or abusive….he was just a liar. I would like to see more articles on this type of predator, because they are almost worse, because they are successful in business, look great, bestow gifts, and are not mean.

I’m so happy I found this blog. My husband, age 76, left me after 23 years of marriage, saying he hadn’t been happy for 10 years and wanted to “be alone”. He left, moved all of his belongings into what he called “storage” (later found it was girlfriend’s house), and traveled around the world with her leaving me a helpless mess for 3 months at age 65. He came back for a month, went to marriage therapy and workshop, then left me again for his girlfriend’s home down the street. It’s been devastating to say the least, both emotionally and financially. His girlfriend is an obsessive facebooker, complete with her “model-like” posing and also severely bulimic (know this from her ex-husband), but also has lots of money — she seems the narcissist herself and is obsessed that he will return to me. My husband still says he thinks of me every day and thinks about returning; then when I write him an email his girlfriend reads it and gets upset. The only remedy is no contact since he will try to hug and kiss me if I see him. Who knew life could be this devastating at such a late age? Just a warning to all of you out there in a pretend relationship — get out since it’s not real at all. Narcissists will say and do anything to keep their image intact; it is evil incarnate what they do to those they pretend to love.

That’s exactly what I did; after 5 1/2 years came the discard, then he came back two months later and I believed he still loved me. He kept telling me she meant nothing and he was going to leave her so we could be together again. He was seeing both of us; I didn’t know of course and eventually we got caught. He asked me to lie for him to her saying we were just friends; I ended it with a letter to her telling her the truth and 6 weeks later he married her. So I’m still picking up the pieces of his destruction and hoping for a brighter, true, and mutually loving future relationship.

I cannot believe how well this describes someone who is in my life!! He was my boss at work. He made it his business to find out all about my personal life – and when he found out it was less than perfect – I have been in a relationship with a man who is married to and living with his wife for 25 years and who has been promising to leave her for me all this time – she is also in a relationship with someone else – he (my boss) pretended to be all concerned and supportive – professing serious dislike for my partner and telling me I deserved so much better. He then proceeded to bombard me with texts, including a nude photo – and then left. 4 days later, he turned up at a meeting, even though he had officially ‘left’ and followed me home – and we ended up in bed. I really, really, really thought that he loved me – and was the ‘better’ that I deserved. Not so! After the initial sex, he gave me the cold treatment – he did not contact me – and the first time I saw him in a meeting after that, he ensured that he arrived late and left early to avoid me. This was a side to him that I had not experienced before. I felt really, really hurt – devastated in fact, that I had stayed waiting and faithful to my partner for over 20 years – and had thrown it all away. He (the Narc ex-boss) began to message me again and arranged to meet up – so I thought there was still hope. I realised also that he was sexually violent – he would text me late at night with the most unnerving fantasies of strangulation and drowning – and would always hold me to the wall by my throat during sex, pull me to the ground by my hair and hit me. He was in a relationship with someone during this time – but often complained that she did not trust him, was too clingy etc. and that he spent times during their relationship when he never said anything. I never dared to contact him – and was always grateful when he lowered himself to contact me. Then he met with me and asked if we could just be friends. I was so upset that I ended all contact with him. Then a few months later he texted me to apologise and say that he had made the wrong decision. In the early hours of one morning he claimed that I had always wanted him – and that now he owned me and controlled me and said that I was his. He left his partner and moved away, but still kept in touch via text. He gave me some money – and helped me out recently when I became a victim of a crime. He had moved away – but a fortnight ago was back in town. He asked me to meet up with him – and I was so grateful to him, I ended up back in bed with him again. I am just so grateful that someone is taking notice of me – I can’t help myself. I realise he has probably got a new partner somewhere else – I’ve not dared to ask – but just can’t help myself. I realise from the articles on this site that I am just a ‘supply’ in a ‘queue’ – but I can’t ignore him. Deep down I am hoping that he ‘loves’ me – and that we can be together one day – but now I’ve read everything on here, I don’t think that will ever happen.

My serial cheating NPD ex has tried to get back with ne as the “other woman” using flattery And charm and telling me how much me misses me and loves me. He discarded me just before Christmas, didn’t say anything, just vanished one day.I was left devastated and traumatized. He’s done it six times to me already but I really trusted he meant it and that he wanted me as he kept saying. He cropped up in another woman’s profile fb pic all smiling and loved up, on Christmas day.. no explanation to his girlfriend (me)…
I’ve never felt so broken or worthless. I found out this woman thought she was in a relationship with him since July 31st. And she still thinks she is as I never told her! I went into shock and all her friends and family liked her post completely unaware.

He got back in contact in the new year. Perhaps thinking I didn’t know? Maybe it was intentional. Who knows. I hit the roof as he then asked to meet up like nothing had happened, completely nonchalant about his actions. It left me I even more upset, frustrated and confused! This man I trusted and considered my best friend had been deceiving me and the level of deception rather than the psysical aspect of cheating. I’m soul destroyed. I was so depressed I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and I was despondent to the rest of the world for months. And he comes back like he’d just popped out to the shops or something? No explanation!! I ended up with all the stress and upset going on in my head and silent crying for many months I had a nervous breakdown, intensified by the fact he was contacting making demands calling me a bitch for ignoring his “hoovering” attempts. Always leaving me messages and I would sit there missing him, confused, refusing to respond to him as it filled me with extreme anxiety, dread even at getting a message as it would trigger my depression worse as he would gaslight me and always be accusing of me not caring about him, talking to me with contempt and demanding I do him sexual favours, the man could manipulate me in the past and I think I suffered cognitive dissonance and PTSD. I lost the man I loved I ignored so many attempts of his to Hoover as it always made me so sad, more sad as he never tried to ammend he worded everything with an adgenda to use me. I’d cry seeing a message from him saying he loved me. He’d conned my mind into loving him and he knew this and his reasons to contact were for shallow meaningless ones, just to see where I was up to, did I seem hurt? Has she moved on? Got a boyfriend? If I tell her can we have a threesome or that I want to watch her have sex with another man when she wants me, will she lose it? Will that bother her for a reaction? How dare she not reply

This describes my 7.5 years with what I thought was a friend from the past. He was a demon from the past. Every line of what you wrote above matches his actions and words verbatim. I had no idea it was a syndrome and that it was this systematic. At the discard I was seeing a counselor because my chronically ill son has taken such a toll on me. It was that counselor that told me I was with a narcissist and that I could never speak to him ever again. I had no idea!! Once I started doing the research, it was on point, word for word, including the timeline of abuse. These people are demons, run as far away as you can from their evil essence. And thank the heavens if you were discarded!

This is amazing Kim you just described my discard to a “T” that’s exactly what happened to me now nearly a year ago! He even tries to control our children while screwing this latest slut in our Family home, it’s so filthy! We had to get Child and Family services involved and supervised visits because my 9 year old son at the time was so upset! This piece of garbage has still not taken one ounce of responsibilty in nearly a year!

I have been married to a narc almost 6 yrs – dated 5 yrs before that. I knew exactly what he was as I was a daughter of a narc. Not a good excuse to be treated badly but it is what I knew and thought I could handle it. He also has some very good qualities. I have been in the familiar “cycle” more times than i can count. The last time – he found my “replacement” and was grooming her behind my back while telling me he loved me every day. I don’t take any of this, personally – he needs supply. Either we accept what they are, or we go. I am a really independent woman – too old to start over- and I know exactly how he works. NEVER shows good judgment , loves chaos, drama, and likes to blame me ( Not happening). Would I recommend this life for everyone? Absolutely not. But everyone out there who is trying to understand what is happening to them.. think of them as predatory rattlesnakes. Do NOT think of them as normal, functioning, human beings. They aren’t. They don’t think like us. They are like drug addicts – they need their SUPPLY. That could be sex, attention, money, respectability, trophy wife, etc. etc. If you decide to stay – SET BOUNDARIES and KEEP THEM. These narcs will push you as hard as they can. Stay strong. Narcissists are NOT for the weak hearted. If you can get what you want – and they get what they want.. you can manage. Forget love. Forget honesty. Forget trust. Just take care of you. Hugz.

This article describes my life to a tee! My narcissist ex dumped me after 21 years of married, beautiful house and two great kids so depressing but I’m trying to remain strong!?

That’s exactly what happened to me. We were together for 7 1/2 years total…lived together for 5 1/2 years then he needed a “break”…that lasted 3 months and he came back to me.After a short time I found out he had another girlfriend (someone from his past); he promised me he didn’t love her but was scarificing because he needed to be in a certain location and she provided him with a home. I believed him when he said he wanted us back together and he would leave her only for him to string me along another year and a half and eventually marry her. It’s been a year and I’m still recovering; I’ve vowed to beat this awful feeling of deceit and humiliation and I will.

You’ve described my life exactly. With him 20 years. Sole mate best friend. Lover.perfect. 8months ago he took my picture off his phone. Made an excuse he likes to change them!!!! A month later was our big big holiday of a lifetime. 2weeks before we go he cooked is a romantic meal candles music the lot. Sat snuggled on sofa watched a film. Went to bed where he just said as cold as ice “,I don’t love you” he left 2 days later. I was devastated to say the least. He emptied everything of his from our home. He swore there was no one else. Guess what there is!!!!! 20 years younger they work together. He filed for divorce because of ” my unreasonable behaviour” o my god I was numb with shock. He’s flaunting Barbie all over town now but continues to be nasty beyond belief to me…typically narcissistic trait. Always made to feel I should be lucky I’ve got him. Silence is absolutely the best revenge it’s driving him mad that I just don’t rise to his stupid behaviour. I’m feeling stronger now but god it’s been some journey. Were so much better off without these toxic people. Keep a smile on your face you’ll survive we all will xxxx

I had an affair with a man for 16 years He always said he’d never “jump ship” but he didn’t want to leave me either. Then, his wife became terminally ill.. He came to tell me the news, cried, said he needed my support. Of course I gave it to him for the two years before she died. I felt horrible about the whole thing and still do. He said we would have a live together, gave me gifts, texted and called all the time, was attentive to me, and we spent alot of time together.
After the funeral, and in the months that followed he became different. He was impatient with me, critisized everything I did, At one point he pushed me down a set of stairs. I found out he was seeing some one else within a few months of his wife dying. So I said I couldn’t see him anymore. I took the high road, wished him well and said goodbye, even though I was emotionally devastated. A month later he texted and I, stupidly responded. He was tearful and said he missed me so much. Well I met him for coffee and asked if she was gone and he said yes. Guess what, she was gone on vacation for a Week!

Do you think I got up and left? No. I stayed and we started seeing each other and going out for dinner 2 nights a week. ( the nights he said worked for him) At first he was polite and kind with me, but as the months went on and I realized he wasnt available to talk , except when he wanted, I got mad.
then he said I had a bad temper and a tendency to ” fly off the handle” he said he didn’t love the other person but he enjoyed being single..As I write this I realize how incredibly stupid I Am..but I truely loved
him, and gave him all I had for all those years. I finally said good by as he was really treating me like garbage. I haven’t contacted him
for a month, but my life is in tatters. Its hard to even get through a day and I am so angry and hurt. I don’t know how to move forward and I have no self esteem left.

This is exactly what happened to my daughter. Wow its like reading about her ex narsi.

This triangulation is what narcs do. I was part of this triangulation 2 different times. The first time I allowed it to happen was the first time he left me for another woman. I remember feeling devastated when he left. He was my worlds. Everything I did centered around him. I couldn’t function after he left. It was all I could do take care of my 15 year old daughter. The day my ex narc called me and asked if I wanted to meet him and talk while he was with this woman, I was relieved. I thought he wanted to tell me he was sorry. He missed me. I was his everything. That is not what happened. He told me he was confused and needed time to figure things out. That’s when I became “the other woman”. He would get upset with her and come spend the night with me. We would meet while she was at work. This relationship only lasted 6 weeks. He then came back to me permanently. I was relieved. I had my soul mate back. What a crock of crap. His awful behavior never changed. I just kept enduring his torture. Then a couple years later, he fell into another woman’s arms. I again became the “other woman” after a couple of weeks separated from him. This relationship was on again off again between the two of us women. He would stay with me and then leave when I did something wrong. Thinking back on this all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. I can’t believe I allowed this to happen twice. Both of these two women were part of his past. He new both of them before him and I ever met. We were together for 20 years. We were going to celebrate being together for 20 years and the day before he got very angry at me and strangled me, threw my clothes outside and kicked me in the butt as I walked out the door. But yet that wasn’t enough for me. I had no contact with him for 3 months after this occurred. But then one day I “missed” him. I have know idea what I was thinking. I contacted him and off to the races our ugly relationship began again. This continued for less than a year. We did get divorced in Dec 2016. But that wasn’t enough for me either. We started seeing each other in Jan 2017. This lasted 4 months. Looking back these 4 months were no picnic. It was definitely the same behavior as before. I have been “no contact” since May 4, 2017. This date is my new anniversary date. I will not longer tolerate his behavior or do I want him in my life. My children and I do not see him, or hear from him. I surround myself with good loving people. I am a survivor. I couldn’t have done this without your help. You don’t know that. You have guided me through this journey. I appreciate all you have done. I hope others find their way out. NO CONTACT is the absolute 1st step and this must occur before healing can occur. I still have moments, but I will never allow him into my life. He has destroyed enough.

I was married for 20 years to my narcissist. It took several years before I figured out what I was dealing with. I met him in 1996. We have children together. I just kept dealing with him and living a fantasy that our life was perfect. I was the “other woman” 2 times. He had affairs and lived with these women and I saw him on the side. When I think back how and why I did this, I want to throw up. It all makes sense now. I was left feeling worthless and he was my world. Everything I did on a daily basis, even while raising children, centered around him. We ate when he wanted to and we had better be quiet when he was napping. Definitely an elephant in the house and walking on egg shells. I have been divorced since Dec 2016. It was a long journey getting there. We started to see each other again in Jan 2017 after we got divorced. Obviously, that ended again in May. I have been no contact to it’s fullest extent since May 4th. I can’t explain to you all the feelings I have gone through. It’s almost 90 days no contact. I am making great progress in my life. I love myself again. I will never have any contact with him again. My children are grown. They love me and support me. My life will only improve without him in it.

I am in the process of healing finding my pieace of mind. He was a very bad relationship toxic . I feel for him we dated for 5 months he did so much harm & damage. Last week was our court hearing on a criminal case been going on now for a few months now .He brought his new gf . Don’t know why ? I left him 2 months ago after a car accident and DV was really bad had enough . Was to late when I did not see the truth the signs . Today I stay strong that’s all . I can do what helped me was the contact rule.

I was married for 6 years to what I thought was my soul mate as soon as the ring was on my finger things changed domineering manipulation lying tantrums ECT then cheating he left me for his ow then 6 weeks later came back asking for another chance I took him back as I was devastated I loved him I with I hadn’t he just carried on with her again while giving me a hard time . I found out it was still going on so is asked him to leave he gladly did I was devastated again. He went on holiday with her then begged me to take him back like a fool I did we lived together for a year my nerves in shreds waiting for it to happen again and it did he left for her so I went nc determined this time I changed my phone refused to talk he sent me divorce papers I signed them now free of this he now married his ow 5 months after divorce came through. But he is smearing me to people who come into my work place this is 18 months since split and he’s still smearing me I don’t know why when he’s got a new life??

Oh my you hit the nail on the spot. I was the wife. He left me to go to her…He was living triple lives. She is his meal ticket as far as money and her career. I don’t answer any texts, calls, emails, nothing since the day he left…Silence is my weapon…divorce will be final this month.

I spent 46 painful years with my narc. Younger posters on this site, please get out now. I was never acknowledged on Mother’s Day, but Father’s Day had to be a big celebration! He never remembered my birthday but expected only the best on his. He never did anything with the kids when they were little, he sat in bars every night, picked up what ever bar whore he could find. He had other women in my house when I was gone for a family emergency. He has denied, denied, denied even when he knew I knew the truth. He wouldn’t discuss anything and would tell me to “stop bitching about it” or he was leaving. He is now 65 and has a new supply picked out. I knew it was coming two years ago and just patiently watched and waited. He moved out and is now saying he is lonely and needs a woman to love and share his life with (her) and is filing for divorce. Like the saying goes, “there’s no fool like an old fool” and he fits the bill. I will be glad to be rid of him and I can honestly say, if this new supply takes him on I feel sorry for her. Stay strong all of you on this site! I have my grown children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to stand beside me through this. Thank God for a caring family!!

My name is Gaby (-short for Gabriela-) and I’m writing to you from Mexico City where I live.

In my absolute DESPERATION to get over my ex narcissistic partner, I’ve looked for different kinds of help, but still feel very bad and SAD often!

I’m reaching out to you because, after reading about Narcissist men’s behavior with their partners and / or wives, I truly identified myself!

Still during a very unhappy 7-year relationship with an alcoholic, narcissist, womanizer, my ex started a long distance relationship with a Cuban woman (-he’s Mexican and started to take trips to Cuba, supposedly to have medical check-ups after he had a hip replacement operation back in October 2013-) and married the Cuban woman a year and a half ago!

Despite the fact our relationship was very damaged, we still slept together ocassionally and I loved and helped him in every way I could. To make the story short, he asked me for a translation of a Divorce Sentence of his from English into Spanish (-of wife number 2 or 3-) and lied to me (-he is a compulsive liar-), telling me his mommy needed such translation for some probate proceedings. I also gave him some nice clothes for his birthday and last Christmas we were together, lent him money (-which he didn’t pay back completely-), etc., etc., etc.

Finally, in 2015 just a week after sleeping together for the last time, he DUMPED me OVER WHATSSAPP, comparing me with the 3 mothers of his 4 children with which he ended in divorce and terribly and wrote to me that: “It was a good thing that I had never gotten pregnant from him, because he would have killed our baby before he/she was born so that he/she wouldn’t have such a crazy mother like me!!!!!”. After telling me these EXTREMELY CRUEL words, he even called me over the phone and told me that “he didn’t really mean to say that, but that he had because our relationship had to END!!!

What I realized shortly after, was that the reason why my ex abruptly wanted to DEFINITELY BREAK UP with me was because he was about to MARRY the Cuban woman he started screwing while he was still with me!!! I found out about his “HAPPY” marriage through Facebook where he appears with his smily new “supply” or “target” wearing the clothes I had given him with so much love (-and that I NEVER saw him wear with me!!!), and discovered what he needed me, of all the translators in Mexico, to translate his divorce sentence to be able to marry this woman in Cuba.

I can hardly express how SAD, ANGRY, DISAPPOINTED, DECEIVED and HEARTBROKEN I have felt and wonder if he has truly found “happiness” and love with this new wife/woman he must have seen during his one-week trips to Cuba maybe 5 or 6 times (-the 6th or 7th time he went to Cuba was to MARRY her!!!).

Even though rationally I know he’s a JERK and doesn’t deserve my suffering, there’s a part of me that still is obsessed with him!

Finally, after my ex married this Cuban woman, he came back to Mexico City to his mommy’s house where he lives because he has NO money, nor a place of his own to live. From August 2015 when he married to approximately March this year, he lived at his mother’s house, and his new wife lived in Cuba, and last year he only visited her 3 times!

Currently, my ex’s new wife came to Mexico and is living with him in his mother’s house, and I just wonder if his extremely difficult mother (-he’s a mommy’s boy-) and my ex will treat her like they treated me and several or all other women in my ex’s life! You have NO idea how comforting it would be for me to know that the new woman will kick him in the ass and give him a taste of his own medicine, once she finds out WHO he truly is, and what he’s truly like!

Or….will my ex be different with the new woman in question????? I really need HELP to lift up my self-esteem and LET GO and forget my ex because I still feel a LOT OF PAIN and feel like I’m going…..crazy!!!!

I would very MUCH appreciate your insight and HELP and truly look forward to find the support I need to get over the HELL I’ve been through!

Everything up said in this article is true,no one will ever understand how u try to explain this person left u brainwash,crazy,confuse,not empty it’s like the devil himself took your soul when u hit rock bottom with demonic devil we call narcissist

I’m still feeling away that I don’t know if I ever him get back to me on top of other life b.s. they will call u even after they move on said u was nothing n talk about u to others or even other woman. want to see u ,been so sweet but u have to pay close attention to the words n deamomor.its just them want u to give in they are like kids who don’t like the word no that want there way.its deeper than control

So spot on. I do not know what happened to him and his new supply ( I do know she was the perfect target:Money and clueless) And I don’t want to know. I believe in karma and redemption. I may not see it for myself but it exists and in my heart of hearts I know, that man will get what’s coming to him. I do pity the other person though.

But what is the outcome when the OW is a homewrecking 4 times married chaotic, sociopath who breaks up marriages for sport (3 others so far) who targeted my spouse for $$? Yes, he had free will and it was his choice, but this is an unholy alliance and I haven’t read very much about the situation when the OW is just as toxic and narcissistic as the cheater. This is a person who works in a male dominated industry so she has an endless supply of middle aged men to fund her life. What happens with this scenario? He says he found his soulmate (after 2 weeks) but now wants to be polyamory so he can have both of us. No remorse, no empathy for my pain of being a loving wife of 26 years. I said no and filed for divorce. He went into a narc rage but still hoovers me. I went no contact, only communicate through my attny now. How could he discard me so cruelly and pretend 26 years of a happy marriage has no value?

He(covert narc) didn’t tell me it was my fault, but I guess he said it to the other girl behind my back, kind of she never cooked for me, I spent my birthday alone…
he just told me that his feelings have changed and he might have misinterpreted his feelings( a sister love). he was preparing the new other girl, she became the one for him after 2 weeks of texting asked her to marry him after the second meeting. (I was the one for him too after 2 weeks, where he was saying he never had feelings like this, and he never thought that love could be so strong).
the funny thing with him is that the girl contacted me telling me that he is cheating on both of us with both of us. before that everything was ok, except some delusional stories he was telling me ( was that gas lighting). when his mask was off, he came up with I don’t deserve to be with you, the next day I don’t have any feelings for you anymore and I found the girl that is really my one.
end of the story the girl left him although he was begging her to give him a second chance. She told me that she is sure that he wanted to be back to be the one who leaves her at the end. He was always the one who breakup the relationships.
2 months and half now that is over, and I am still in shock about how people can be deceiving, he turned out to be completely what he pretends to hate and what I HATE.
he played me and fooled me , I had no experience before him and he took advantage on that.
I do not regret him and thank God that is over because it wasn’t real. but it really hurts.

Hi my ex narcissist boyfriend I broke up with the 28th of February. We were together a year during that time the first few months he was the night in shining armor. Coming to save the day, I’m a single mom of 3 and my youngest is severely autistic. He used my autistic son to groom me… Always asking how he was doing and said he used to help his mother take care of disabled adults like Isaiah… To make a very long storie short. He told me in the beginning he could no longer have children. When I broke up he was seeing a very young girl at our job Yes we work together and had been for 3 months before I broke up… Found out after we broke up also takes to his family who told me this is what he does to all women. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after I broke up now I’m 4 months pregnant with a son

I finally left mine after an extremely painful few years. At the end the abuse was killing me so one day I didnt come home. I went on to find my own place. He would not allow me or my family to come get my things. So he had to do it of course. We attempted at his desperate urging to try and work things out in separate households. Things would be ok but then a huge blow up and then here comes the hoover and Id fall for it EVERY time. His new supply contacted me about his treatment of her and did he do me the same way. I told her everything but of course he drew her back in and threw me under the bus but honestly Im ok with that. she will in time see that I was right! He hasnt attempted a hoover yet and its been a month. I learned alot from her as well. What he was saying about me and the lies generated, that he cheated on me the entire relationship, and the lies….my lord how do you keep up with so many lies. I moved out 16 months ago and still have issues with thoughts of him and the deep levels of myself that he affected. Ive been reeled back in by the false charm way too many times to count. I became the other woman for a minute.Im like I just want free!! You have moved on and so have I finally after the “epiphany” but the the obsessive thoughts and emotions with this evil entity just wont go away. I read a book related to “Exorcising the narcissist”. Basically discarding of anything that makes you think of them, any gifts, cards, etc …..rearranging furniture, not going to places you once did. To train your mind to divert thoughts when they crop up but that so far has been the hardest part for me. I just have been so down for so long that the truth did set me somewhat free. I have been going out with friends and having fun which I had not been doing until recently. Moving forward the best I can.

Hi,
Thank you for your website. I am having a hard time again lately. My ex narcissist was and still is (until June of this year) my sons Kindergarten teacher. We were only “together” for about 4 and half months but it truly ended after 8 months. It devastated me and I nearly went to the principal because what he did was simply not ok. Anyway after much healing – therapy, hiking, breath work, becoming an energy healer I feel better for sure but there is still so much sadness and last few days anger again. I still have to see him 5 says a week…I ignored him for 2 months end of last year but realized beginning of this year ignoring him takes effort and it shows him he still bothers me and he is my sons teacher…:(
Anyway we have been communicating but every time I see him it triggers “something”…..makes me so angry! He doesn’t have a care in the world though…Mr. wonderful and charming with all the parents and teachers. He told me he is working a lot on himself and I changed his life (yeah right)…but I just don’t really believe it. Anyway…just wish this feeling would go away forever. Annabel

My narcissistic boyfriend just left me for another woman who he supposedly intends to marry. While I thought we were in a relationship, he apparently told others we were just friends. I believed the lies when he would go away for the weekend to go see his daughter or some other story. I believed him when he said he was talking to a close male friend of his on the phone when he would go outside of the house to talk all hours of the night. He made me feel like I owed him. He was always a victim. How could I be so stupid? What’s worse is that I picture him having sex with this other woman and it drives me insane. Why should I care? I should be angry and irate and hate him. A part of me misses him. Am I sick?

I felt so alone until I read everybody else’s experiences. I’m still going through the grieving phase of him leaving me. I feel so raw. I feel worse thinking of what I put up with for so long. I’m a highly sensitive person and my confidence is at rock bottom. I feel timid around other men. My ex started getting cosy with a female friend a while ago. What is sickening is she sounds just like me. He’s told me all about her experiencing abuse in the past, and she’s extremely emotional too. She’s been providing him with a lot of emotional support which he feeds off. He even told me of her opinion on us – I’m assuming she doesn’t know of his narcissistic ways, or how he treated me. But apparently she helped him come to the conclusion that he doesn’t love me, and perhaps never did. He was a gambler, with deep anger, possession issues and he was the most competitive person I knew. I’m just not sure why I feel so upset. I had been wanting freedom for so long. I have provided him with most of my wages every month – even when he had his own source of income and gambled it away – I held him so many nights when he cried about his issues and insecurities, and forgave him so many times. I have pushed so many people away because of him. I wish I never met him.

I blindly dealt with a narcissist for 13 months and it was the biggest waste of time of my life. He was perfect that prayers as always but of course I made my own mistakes but he was a very unforgiving. He was very disrespectful became distance and wanted to spend less time and me feel bad about myself always saying I’m a bad person when I try so hard to do things right make him happy but nothing worked and I lost a lot of weight. He would always go overboard with arguments and wouldn’t face me because he was a coward and throughout all of his relationships he’s always been a coward. Whenever I would try to give him constructive criticism he will always be in full blown rage. He didn’t care about my feelings as much as I did his but he is his father’s son. Right after our big fight and break up he already was with someone else. I am hurt by this but I do know he will never be happy. He is 25 and still childish unfortunately. Beware ladies his name is Masod Hunt. SAVE YOURSELF.

Kim, after reading your article and everyone’s comments I feel a relief and in my head. I was In 5 year relationship with my ex had physically abused me eroded my confidence and my soul. He trashed my belongings and vandalized my car. Used to fight with my family and hated my friends. I cheated on him well after the physical abuse started. I left several times to my dads house and to a new apt for myself. We have an almost 4 year old together too, who has witnessed so much of the madness. After 5 months of splitting up and living separately where we were trying to work on our relationship, I still sought out other petiole until I left him high and dry to feel hopeless and heartbroken. I simply felt over him and relieved I was “in love”. It wasn’t until a month later he met a girl I went to hs with and started being with her in the town he lived in where his parents also lived. I had broken up with the person I was seeing and then found this out. It tore me up and I went crazy crying and crying. I suddenly understood what I had done to him. He broke up with her within a week and we started seeing each other again. I was happy and yet he still talked shit to me where I took and believed I deserved it for making him feel heartbreak. He tried killing me by strangulation a week later because some new lies rose to the surface and I left. I went back the same day and we rented a house 3 weeks later. He strangled me and we fought terribly all the time. Until one day he came into the room where my son and I were beat me up senseless. The cops had been driving by and heard the screaming, came and took him. Cops had been called on him before for assault on me. But this was family violence on paper now. 4 days in jail and I had already moved out and back to my old town with my family. Everyone believed I was stupid for going back this time and pretty much every time. Cps got involved and he is safe with me in my parents house. The emotional baggage I carry is so exhausting all this guilt and accountability and the blaming it’s so heavy. He got back with that girl the same day he tried apologizing to me and getting me back. I had warned her twice while he was away and she fake nicely spoke to me and agreed that he was a jerk. Minutes later I see her messaging him on fb messenger that was logged into his account on my tablet. I watched for a whole day their conversation about how I wanted her to hate him and that I bothered her and that she missed him and he missed her. I didn’t know what else to do but obsess knowing I had access to these emails. We talked the next day knowing we couldn’t be together and he asked me back telling me all the things I wanted from him before. But it was too late. Now I can’t stop obsessing over them. Stalking his every move with his location shared with me through Google. It’s so messed up, I just can’t stop. theres too much that I can’t let go. Even knowing it was a consistent move against my best interest and my sons. I feel so empty and shame. I also filed for a two year protective order. I looked up articles on how to stop obsessing and found your article. It helped me feel better to know that you are foretelling it how it is and will be. I have fears, of him makin a new family. She is an artist like I used to be, a productive person in the community and she makes him ” feel like he is alive and well again”. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to find someone with all this in my head. She doesn’t believe that he’s an abuser and my family hates his guts because of what he’s done to me and found reasonable reasons why I cheated since he’s a scumbag of a person.

I want to let him go and stop obsessing, it’s making me sad everyday and I can’t stop knowing what he’s doing.

My life with him was so bonded over trauma that I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who will truly make me forget him. I’m 24, he is 26, and the ow is 22.

Thank you, I needed to write this down.

and this is exactly what’s happened to me and, i’m ashamed to say, more than once. and i went back every time. this is the first time i’ve gone no contact and it’s only been 24 hours. it hurts like crazy. we’ve been together so long and we worked at home so it was literally always the two of us together chatting every day. i’ve been the woman AND the woman in the wings all this time and now he’s not discarded me yet but telling me he’s met someone else that he may or may not stay with but maybe he and i can have another twenty years instead. i won’t be the consolation prize! and, since i’m out of the country right now, we’ve been chatting online like we have for as long as the internet has existed. yesterday he said something so cruel that i said ENOUGH and told him no more contact. i miss chatting to him so so much but i have to do this. i’ve been letting him hurt me, and hurting myself for far too long. thank you for this article.

i feel as though someone has scripted my life when i read these comments… i still cannot believe i fell for this. i certainly never will again and yes the addiction is something i will probably fight for a long time but i am
well on the way to healing. At least i can see it now!

My narc chose a heavy unattractive woman to replace me. I dont think he likes the competition of an attractive partner. Is this fairly common? Also i was much more successful in our shared profession. I felt like that really irritated him at times. I often wondered out loud if he even liked me because of the way he acted. He would assure me he loved me & blame it on overworking! HA!

Wow..im going through this as I write..my Narc has cheated on me numerous times and I always let it slide. See I’m a people pleaser and an was target. I’m head over heels for this jerk and I don’t want to be. Everyone thought we made a good couple..he was my world,we both agreed everything was good until the end of 2013(it really wasn’t good)than an old GF from high school that he hadn’t seen or heard from in over 20yrs found him on FB..i saw their messages and she was coming on strong and she was married and had 3 kids..well he fell hook,line and sinker. Up until than he wanted me to hang out with him all the time we were best friends(I thought)they made a lunch date on Friday his day off when we normally always hung out..i ask what are we doing tomorrow and he said look I dont want you to come..i was crushed. Than he ask me to go with him to wash his truck like buddies again..he didn’t know I knew about his lunch date and he was washing it for his date! It hurt so bad and he could tell. Next day I ask him to drop me at a friends since he didn’t want to hang out(said he was taking truck to get fixed and wanted to be alone)he dropped me off and went on his date,found out later from her husband they met at the lake for a makeout session. Than he comes and picks me up and is so sweet and wants to take me to lunch! I never said anything because I was afraid he would leave! Wow! It gets worse from there so much worse but I kicked him out in Jan 2014 knowing he had been seeing her the whole time,he lived with me on my property..he begged to come back and told me how much he loved me blah blah blah..i let him come back..i can make myself think everything is good and so I did..supposedly he had no contact with her(she was trying to make I work with hubbie)..it didn’t work and she called him in Jan 2015 and I didn’t find out they were seeing each other until may when he was uncharacteristicly mean and hurtful and was living with me and her! Currently in seeing a great guy for a year and he is still with her but we text Dailey as friends..he has been wanting to spend weekends with me and I will say ok than blow him off..i have never said no to him and he is pissed and doing the silent treatment…i now know that he is a narc and probably never loved me(we were together 10yrs)we have some great memories and its so painful to think he knows he is killing me inside and doesnt care

This is exactly as it happened for me…and he tried to keep me around as the backup supply ….until I knew I had to get out of it and leave him to it. I know he will tire of her soon enough. They deserve each other…so good riddance.

This is exactly right Kim! 100% what ended up happening to me. He was with his new supply within a week, and has already married straight after our divorce was final in a quick and cheap ceremony. They really do have a modius operandi and distinctive behaviour patterns.

I won’t lie…I felt even worse after he moved on with her. He also had a child with her. But then I reminded myself that he was now HER problem.
She would have to deal with all of the terrible things about him, including disrespect from his family and friends. Not my problem anymore.

It also helped a little that she is much heavier than me and less attractive. Maybe that sounds shallow, but his family and friends would constantly insult me (they weren’t the most classy people).
So I was somewhat relieved to see how much he downgraded. I was a size 4, I had a cute shape, and I looked way better than her. So this might sound catty but I would look at their pictures and laugh to myself. THAT was the best he could do? After all the crap they would say about my appearance, THAT was my “replacement”? I will never again be with anyone who tries to make me feel worthless and ugly.
I was a beautiful woman and he was unworthy of me.

He passed away not too long ago, so most of the pain has healed but I still have more work to do emotionally. Now that I’m older and wiser, I see that his intent (as it is with most narcissists) was to destroy my self-esteem.
He tried to hurt me even more by flaunting this girl in my face and having a baby with her, but I’m still here…and he isn’t. I’m not saying that to be unkind, either, just making a point that karma is real.

He was able to get away with mistreating me for a long time but it caught up with him in the end. I am proud that I never tried to retaliate against him, his girlfriend, his family or his friends.
I stayed classy and tried to live my life despite the pain I felt inside. And you know what? I came out on top. My life is far from perfect and I struggle with many issues, but I’m still here and I can still appreciate the good things that come my way. I have a husband who dotes on me, I go on awesome vacations, and my family is healthy.
Above all…I am a far more compassionate person than he was and that was something he could never take away from me. I understood real suffering, having grown up with an abusive stepfather, so my ex added to that pain.

But now I choose to forgive him and pity the other woman because she is stuck raising a child on her own, while living under his parents’ roof.
I know she felt special because he “replaced” me with her. But now what does she have? No, he didn’t leave her by choice; he died. But the fact is that they tried to hurt me by throwing their relationship in my face and having a child together, since he knew my painful experiences with being pregnant in the past.
And then when he least expected it, he got sick and things fell apart. His family has always been about keeping up a perfect image but now they have to confront the truth that they aren’t perfect, and that we need to be careful how we treat other people in this life.

He might have used and abused me, discarded me like trash…but I continue to live and breathe.

How did you know the exact details of my past relationship? Lol! It’s like you’re talking diectly to me.

Kim, you are so on the mark with this. The narc even let his new victim contact me to bash me with all the crap he had filled her with about me.

Wow reading this article open my eyes that I am going through this right this moment. Thank you is all I have to say.

Did you sit in my house, as a fly on the wall and write this about my life? Thank you for simplifying things for me to share with others so they may understand what happened to me.

I got involved with my first live almost list my husband n family over it. I was threatened with if I walked away he’d tell my family. Thousands of dollars was taken from me I believed he was in financial trouble n he wasn’t. He set me up with his wife and wife’s best friend who he gets to have a affair with its sick. She kept telling me stuff which I would confront him he’d lie tell me he was telling my kids n husband. His wife let’s him go with who ever he wants and let’s him sleep with her best friend sick I know but me he couldn’t come near me when I got fed up n told my kids n husband. I just thank God my husband and kids forgave me. Him I blocked a year ago I hear through the grape vines how great he’s doing n I guess he’s always posting pics of him n the girl his wife let’s him sleep with . It’s wierd cuz they say only certain things are public almost like he wants me to see. I don’t understand how someone would take so much from me n hurt me and just is as happy as can be. Everything he has in his house that I got him into is from me. It took me 4 years to get to a ok place I wanted to die. Why ? I believed him with all my heart. Sick I know. I blocked him a year ago in July and that helps but I still hear how good he’s doing it hurts not as much not even sure if it hurts it bugs me that he doesn’t care how bad he hurt me.

I have to say, after watching my ex-husband do this to me and several other women who he married and discarded, I’ve learned that it’s not us, it’s him. My last relationship was unfortunately the same thing. He actually tried to use the triangulation trip on me with another woman he said he had no interest in. She really gave it to me at one point. Well, I left him heart and soul and you guessed it, he’s with her now. The only vindication I will seem to derive from all of this is that he will leave her stunned when he moves on to his next victim. Oh and btw, he’s married too. His wife has been by his side for 27 years and he will never leave her because, after all, she tolerates all of the nonsense. We all need to heal from these treacherous people and the havoc they reek on our lives. Stick to your boundaries, we all know right from wrong, if it seems too good or seems wrong, it’s time to turn around and leave. Love isn’t being doubtful of your own self and own self worth. xoxo

Kim your topics are right on! we ALL can relate in one way or another…
NO MATTER THE LENGTH OF BEING INVOLVED WITH A NARC GUY/GIRL ANY AGE, ITS ALWAYS ABT THEM! THYRE CONSTANTLY ONE FOOT IN ONE FOOT OUT, SEEKING A SUPPLY!!! SUPPLY! SUPPLY! ACCEPT THAT…..
WE FEEL, THINK, THEY DON’T, THEY USE A VERY TEENY PART OF THEIR BRAIN, THAT’S WHY THE PATTERN, CYCLE IS THE SAME!
ITS NOT US ITS THEM, TIME , LONGEVITY, HISTORY ,IS NOTHING TO A NARC….
THYRE BORING, TEEENY CHANGES THEY MAKE WITH EACH SUPPLY, THAT’S IT, !!! NO GROWTH, SUCCESS USE, USE, USE…. THEY FEEL INADEQUATE ON INSIDE, TRUTH…
I’M MAD AT ME FOR HANGING IN TOO LONG, IT ONLY HURT ME&FORCED ME TO CHANGE, GROW, NOT SETTLE, RE TRAIN MY BRAIN FOR STRENGTH, NEVER AGAIN IN A MESS LIKE THIS …
7YRS EX BF NARC, MAKES ME SICK!!!!
N/C ONLY WAY!!! THEY NEVER GO OUT OF THEIR PATTERN OR COMFORT ZONE……
SM STAY OFF ITS STUPID, FAKE AN THEY AIN’T HAPPY IF ALL THE TIME POSTING GO BE HAPPY, LIVE ITS RIDICULOUS!!!!!
IS IT HARD TO BE THROWN OUT LIKE YESTERDAYS TRASH? YES, THEY DON’T CARE, ACCEPTANCE IS A MAJOR STEP……. THYRE DONE WITH US….
ALL THAT SPARKLES DOESN’T SHINE
LEOPARDS DON’T CHANGE THEIR SPOTS, JUST CAMOFLAUGE EACH PREY….
THYRE NOT COOL, LOVING, ADVENTURESOME OR THE BLESSING WE THOUGHT FROM ABOVE, THYRE JUST A GUY/GIRL…. CAUSE IF THEY WERE WE WLDNT BE ON THESE SITES,
WE’D BE HAPPY IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP…
AS TO WHAT THEY DO? THAT’S THEIR STORY TO TELL***
THEY’LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF US TO A CERTAIN DEGREE, YES
LETS THANK THEM FOR CROSSING OUR PATH, AN LET KARMA DO HER
THING, IT COMES BK AROUND…
DOING WHAT WE LOVE, SELF LOVE, SUCCESS WHATEVER THAT IS TO US?
WE WILL HAVE IT, I’M ROOTING FOR US, LET THEM BE…
STRENGTH! EVRYTHING WE WANT, NEED, MAY IT BE OURS, BELIEVE!!!!!!
‘)

I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the marriage. He said ‘no’ because he said he’d been unhappy for a few months. He went to stay with a friend that night. The next day he comes back, all tears & saying he loved me & hadn’t given up on our marriage. I saw this as a good thing, it gave me hope becasue I still loved him.The date 01 June 15.
I truly believed he may have been starting to suffer depression & told him to go stay with his friend for a few days to clear his head. I thought I was putting his welfare ahead of my own needs. This was the start of the end.
For 2 weeks he was still telling me he loved me & that we’d be ok. Contact gradually stopped over the next 3 weeks. On 17 July I got a text ending our marriage. Not even the decency to phone me or talk to me – a text was all I was worth after 5 years of marriage.
On 04 October he came round to get all his things. He told me he wasn’t coming back, he was happier & better on his own & that it was too late to save the marriage because he felt nothing. I asked him to talk to me but he simply loaded up the car he borrowed, handed me the house key & left. Again, he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me.
Approximately 3 weeks later I found out he was already living with his girlfriend (in the same area as me) & had been since mid-August (could have even been up to a month sooner). About the same time I also discovered that he had started texting her only 5 days out of the house. So before he had the decency to end our marriage he was already laying the ground work with her.
I don’t know if he is a true narc but what he did, the way he did it, the small timeframe it took to go from ‘love’ to ‘nothing’ & the swiftness with which he moved on definately shows he has issues.
It’s almost Christmas & I am trying to be strong & most days I now succeed, but having no true closure or answers means I have a tendancy to go round in circles & ask why I was not good enough, why did he choose her over me & a million other questions that question my worth.
I see that I lost myself during our marriage because he had walked out early on & said he didn’t like confrontation, so I changed to accomodate him which meant my needs were not a priority to him or me. A mistake I hope never to repeat.
Would I take him back? My head says I’d be a fool, but my heart says probably. However, I doubt he’ll ever put me in the position to have to decide because he’s washed his hands so completely of me.
It is a sad world we live in when there are so many stories of betrayel & abandoment that can be found on the internet & it is becoming accepted as a normal practice.
To all the women (& men) who have been discarded so callously, remember that we all deserve to be happy & that we are responsible for that happiness so don’t let them steal any more of it.

This is so true. Experienced all of this after getting involved with an older Scottish bank co-worker in my town. He is a nasty piece of shit. I now see what his ex wife went through. He blames everyone else and loves attention. He hasn’t real feelings. Friends warned me but I fell for the act. It has been hell on and off for the past few years. Walking on egg shells all the time. He lies and cheats but denies it all. Cutting him off will be difficult because of work but this time I want rid.

This post really resonated with me today, thank you! Perhaps about two hours ago I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends, crying my eyes out, wondering aloud what the new girl has that I don’t? How come she’s allowed to follow him on instagram and he’s posted pictures of them together? (I was never allowed to follow him and his account “suddenly” went public two weeks ago. Nothing of me but lots of proof of lies he spun.) Lets be honest, I googled her and found out some information. All I could think was, “she drinks whiskey like him, she’s from Madrid (he’s wanted to go to Spain; it also happens to be my favorite place in the world); she’s a good cook (I’m vegan and he is not and living together and cooking in general was difficult), she lives in his neighborhood (we live in Brooklyn on opposite sides of Prospect Park and it takes 30 minutes by train to get to one another. He’s a very spontaneous person and if was sometimes difficult to meet up. If he decided to invite me at all)…” But then I thought about all the other girls before me who had similar qualities. He even broke up with a girl he described as the female version of himself! It’s not about US. WE ARE ENOUGH. The saddest part to me is I don’t wish him happiness, petty as that may be. And after 2.5 years together I (eventually) won’t want to know what’s going on in his life. I won’t be worrying if he calls his grandmother or mends his relationship with his mother. I won’t care if he stops doing cocaine and drinking less. I won’t be concerned if he’s using protection or not. He may have discarded me in the most cowardly and heartless manner but he also set me free.

My relationship was on and off for 4 years. I tried so many times to move on – and he wouldn’t let me. Gave me so many reasons why I should give him another chance and I did. During our break ups, he would sleep with a girl that worked in the factory where he worked. It appears he would sleep with her and then come running back to me. When he decided to break up with me this final time – he told me he wanted to focus on himself and didn’t want anyone – including the factory girl. Three weeks later he was back with her. A girl completely opposite of me – party girl, sleeps around, loud/obnoxious – but yet I was the type of woman he “always wanted.” I fear I will never feel normal again.

WOW……this is it! This is exactly what I have been through for the last 3.5 years! I met this guy on the internet, great guy, and he showered me with gifts, affection, and praise. Within 6 months to a year he began to fault find with me. He started to devalue me in ways that I have never had done to me before.
Eventually he came to me in year 3 and said, “I think our relationship has RUN ITS COURSE. I want to move forward and want to live alone again. ( I moved in with him after 2 years and it went terribly south after that)
After the discard he kept up his charade and kept me hanging on by giving me little morsels of attention. He also badmouthed me to his entire family making it look like I was the one with the issue and he needed to rid himself of me. When approached about this he denied every word. Eventually I moved out, and he STILL continues to give me a hug & Kiss when he sees me. Just to keep me engaged, and in his back pocket in case he needs “supply”……….or he can’t find anyone else to fool.
This man was adopted twice in his life, one at birth and the second after his adoptive dad passed away. HIs father who raised him from 6 years on was not very loving toward him. He received very little affection, admiration, or affirmations that he was a good kid. This is what I wonder has been his problem all along.
I am working my way through being done with him completely but I have loved my life with him other than his devaluation. I am independent and didn’t need all that much affection from him. He also never wanted to have sex…….he pushed me away a lot.
Still, I am working my way through this last stage of ending it. Thank you for your insight……….it helps!!!!

I have been married for 20 yrs with him for since I was 16
Recently my husband and I separated he moved out and immediately I find out he was seen another woman he has always cheated I always made excuses for him thinking he is a good person he will change but I have Vernon a rollercoster for over 20 yrs
Yes there were good times but other women seem to always come into play my story is much more than just these few points there are my kids who are emotionally hurt as well and a kid he made outside our marriage
I know I am the blame for staying with him I just can’t seem to break free he moved out but he come back when he feel like he ” Misses me” I always fell for him and give him attention then the cycle starts all over again
I’m so hurt after a life time with one man how do I let go ?

my first love, we’ve been friends for 7 years. Tells me I’m amazing, smart, beautiful, perfect…. Then turns cold… Finds out about a 28 yr old woman with a 5 yr old….(he’s 24, I’m 22) left me for older, classless woman , double my size and obviously insecure, she called me and said she’d drive 3,4 hrs to fight me at public event. Of course he didn’t let her fight me but I found out they were dating longer than what I knew. She knew about me the whole time and read emails, saw phone calls and text. I’m embarrassed and this my first love. He’s doing everything he said he’d do with me, with her

Thank you so much for this article, Kim. I’ve definitely been having this question on my mind: What is it within us that makes us fear he will be a better man with “her” than he was with us? I know we shouldn’t worry about what the narc is doing with his new supply after discarding us, but I must admit it sometimes drives me crazy knowing he is with someone new and seemingly ‘happy’, when I am alone! I have still struggled with these feelings despite knowing what the inevitable outcome of their “relationship” will be. In my case I know my narc and his new girlfriend have already broken up and gotten back together at least once. They have been only dating for about 6 months or so. I will dwell on that fact hoping it is a sign that they will be over soon, just so I will feel some relief!! I know it shouldn’t matter either way how long they last. I know what he is and he is a mess whom I DON’T ever want to be back with anyways. I don’t even care if he finds another woman right after this one, but for some reason I just don’t want him to be with the one he discarded ME for. Does anyone else feel this way? I guess it would just be some sort of confirmation that he truly is a narc/player that can’t have a healthy relationship with ANYONE, so I could take it less personally and get to the next step of healing. I have been NO contact with him for months now. Oh, and of course he has hoovered… but less and less lately… which is GOOD. Just that fact alone should help me to feel less anxious cause he has professed his (false) “love” for me while still with her. I’m sure she would just LOVE to know that! It was driving him crazy that I finally stopped responding to his nonsense after having fallen for it for 5 years. These guys are all the same and a total waste of any more of our thoughts… yet I am still having problems getting him and the fact that he is with her out of my head. I know I should be trying harder to focus on more positive things at this point yet my brain keeps wanting to go over the details again and again to somehow justify it is truly HIM and not ME,… and that I have lost NOTHING!

This is me! I was with my ex boyfriend for 7yrs, we have to boys together.. Since the beggining of our relationship he cheated on me,beaten on me, abused me emotionally and verbally: tells me I’m ugly,fat, i didnt dress like before ect..he always cheated on me with so many different woman, even with some of my friends. He uses drugs and alcohol. I got an std by him when i was pregant with my 2nd child.He has always been in & out of jail & even deported more than 3 times back to mexico. I’ve always tired to leave him, but he new exactly how to get me back : he’ll beg and stalk me, call me 1,000xs, even contacted my family members to talk to me. I’ve always go back to him thinking he’ll change for me & his children, but over time he’ll just get worst!! & i was always left feeling stupid and wishing that i would of left him the first time. It was a cycle that kept on happening again and again. Recently on july 2014, he was coked & drunked out and started hitting me & chocking me, it got so worst that a knife was involed the fight. I broke it off with him that night and the next day he begged me & cried that he would change again.. I didnt go back to him.. Just a month later i find out he’s living with his new girlfriend 1 hr away from here.. And he still kept on begging me to go back to him, that he didnt love this new girl, and just wants her to forget about me, and telling me that he’ll leave her & come back to me. On Nov 2014 he was arrested and charged with a felony of drug charges & was sentenced to 4 months in jail. Throughout those 4 months he sent me letters every week telling me that he loves me and that when he gets out he’s goin to get back his family ect. In March 2015 he came out & told me that he wants me back and he’ll change himself & he’ll do anything to get me & his family back, that he’s not even with this girl..and i ignored everything. All of a sudden i started to feel sympithy for him & even checked out his FB and the new girl’s too. She has pics of them together & all lovey- dovey and they look happy. So i was confused to what he was telling me and seeing the opposite on social media, but it was not the first time i been through this with another girl.. But now im caring if he’s actually happy with her? & if he’ll change for her? Is he treating her better than how he treated me? Has she seen the cracks on him? Will he cheat in her? They only have been goin out about 8 months but half of that time he was in jail, so in reality like 3 1/2 months.Idk why all of a sudden i care about this other girl. I feel like i miss him and love him and i always think about him, i even cry almost everytime in the shower that why is this happening to me? What did i do to deserve this pain while he’s all happy & im just stuck here lookin stupid. What if he really changes now? I feel like im never goin to get over him, that im never goin to find some else in the future.. Everytime i go out with my kids i see couples with children having a good time & i get really sad thinking that could of been us..or when i see couples kissing and all of that, i get sad and angry because i imagine him with his new girl like that.. Idk what is up with me i feel like im goin crazy! And loosing me mind.. I thought i was mature but being like this makes me think im really weak. I dont feel attractive at all. I dont doll up, i dont go out with my friends, i dont do crap bc i dont feel motivation and i feel kind of depressed in some points.. Can you plz give me advice plz.

I am currently going through the discarding phase. My Ex “N” has been trying to feed me with his “I miss you’s and I miss my family” I have instilled the “No Contact” and he has finally moved out of his current location and in with his new supply. It’s so hard seeing it all play out in front of your face. He seems so happy now and it really looks like he’s finally changed for the better. I feel like maybe I should’ve done something different.

After 15 years of marriage, which included affairs, lies, physical and mental abuse, I left him a little over a year ago, taking our 14 year old daughter with me. He would pop back in to my life, on and off, and gave the impression that there may be some hope. Even at this point, I was pretty convinced he was a narcissist, but every time he came around, that same old *(^%^ that he pulls made me think he was changing. So around July or August, I had a feeling he was involved with this woman he works with. I wasn’t sure, but you know the feelings you get, right? From that point until around November 1, I didn’t see or hear from him much, except in matters concerning our daughter. But then things changed, he really turned on the charm and made lots of comments about a possible future together, that he changed, he has always love me, blah, blah, blah. There was something off. He became even more secretive than usual with his cell phone, never letting it out of his sight while he was at my apartment. Would go out of his way to make sure that I didn’t have any pictures of him on my Facebook for anyone to see, and would never let me call him at work because they have “phones off” policy during work hours. This went on with us being in contact every day, dates on Friday nights, you know, like we were working on things. Two weeks ago I made an offhand comment about the other woman…. nothing mean just a little flippant… he freaked out and said unless I apologized to him for that, he didn’t want to hear from me. And I said, ok, well when you apologize to me for 15 years of bullshit, I’ll think about it. At that point I made up my mind that no contact was it from here on out. I was so good. Over a week and nothing. Then out of the blue (on a Friday) he invites me out for the following night. I did not reply. Then the following Sunday, the most amazing thing happened. For some reason, when he got his new work phone, the Notes on the phone were set up to sync with my daughter’s email address. He was unfamiliar with iPhones, so I’m sure he had no idea. My daughter comes to me with her phone in hand and says “I think this is a note to Debbie (the OW).” What I saw was an outline he had made of an email to her, basically saying that she was whore, that he should have known better when she told him that she had slept with half the police force in our town, that she pays too much attention to her dog… all these really nasty things, but then ends the letter telling her how much he loves her “so Goddamn much” is what he said. And also adding that he loves NO ONE ELSE but her. Can you believe it? So my last text (ever) to him was enclosing that note that I found and telling him never to contact me again, that he makes me physically ill. Now I have no money, because he has not been helping. My friends said “start a Go Fund Me account.” I did that on Wednesday morning. I enclosed the note I got from him. I made it public so he could see it on my Facebook page and all his friends could too. (Her too, hopefully). Within 10 hours, I had $1,500.00 (more than enough for my divorce) and a party we’re going to have afterwards. I am walking away from this man and never turning back. I feel better than I have in years. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better!! I know there will be highs and lows in the months to come, but I am on my way. I have spent a lot of time on this site and I want to thank you for your invaluable information on these soul sucking bastards. I’m on my way.

I have been in a pychologically abusive relationship with my ex bf for the past 12+ years and have in the interim, gone back and forth, more than one can imagine. Let me assure you, that through the years, the abuse and treatment gets WORSE and more intolerable, however, I was too broken in self-esteem, confidence, and a lost of self identity to realize the truth. Initially, I thought it was a match in heaven, then, shortly after, it was about his control; my needing to be available at his beck and call, calling me 10 times in a row if I am not home, and my daughter had to answer the phone, answering my cell by the first ring, otherwise, he would rage and swear and be accussatory, giving up my friends, not being able to even talk with a male friend and my life evolve totally around him. We broke up for awhile, but saw each other. He would ask me out, but tell his friends that I was initiating calls to him because I was lonely so he felt sorry for me and took me out. He would try to pursue other women, but made me believe otherwise. I believed him. We went back and all the things he did before, he stopped, so I thought he changed. I was totally wrong! He used other tactics, more emotionally devastating and cruel. He began to fault me for everything, kept a calendar when I complained (I asked him to say ‘Please’ instead of commanding me to do things; just trying to voice my opinions or concerns) but if if it didn’t align with his thinking, he was outraged and had to punish me with the silent treatment, angry looks, avoidance, hurtful remarks. He was charming in the public, but at home, behind closed doors, he was wicked, mean and devastatingly hurtful. He played mind games with me and contradicted what he would say, and was very secretive about himself. His punishment would get worse and for an extended amount of time. Who does these things? He couldn’t express any of his feelings, was addicted to the computer until 2am daily, and told insignificant lies, when it was not even logical to do so. His actions and behavior was so inhumane. I was so scared of him; he seemed so unapproachable, looking mad all the time that I was walking on eggshells. Just to ask a question, sometimes, it took me a couple of weeks to think, how will I approach him and I had to chose and pick my words. I feel in such a depression that I became almost suicidal because he would tell me, if only I did this or didn’t do this to get him so angry. He would buy me a gift, then later find reasons to demand the gift back because I wasn’t deserving of the gift, which made my cry. He demanded me to say sorry, whether I was right or wrong. I couldn’t even close the door to the bedroom, otherwise, he would get mad. His final discard was so brutal that it left me shell shocked. He didn’t speak to me for months, avoided me at all cost, and for a split second, he did something somewhat cordial, which I thought, the relationship was getting better. But, he would revert back to his seemingly cruel ways. I was so miserable, that I mustered some strength to get out, since he told me ‘I want you out and you just won’t leave.’ You see, he’s kicked me out of his house so many times, that it became a normalcy and then he would say I got him so mad, that I made him say these things. When I told him I left because he told me to get out, he said ‘I never said that. It was your choice to leave, so now, we’re done. I don’t want to live with you anymore; I’m breaking up.’ I read about narcissism and finally realised, it’s not my fault and learned of his flawed and devious characteristics. It’s still a struggle, as I try to rebuild my self esteem and worth and indentity. He, on the other hand, has been on the prowl to find another woman, and have been seen with other women and out and about, seemingly happy.

I left my boyfriend of 4 years on the 2nd of January. He’s always been a guy to fool around with no strings attached, drink, and hang out with friends.

Almost two years ago we had a son together. Our first child. Things finally got better when I became pregnant. He started to turn his life around. Of course before becoming a mother, I had a petite body, I had clear skin long hair and curves. After my son I chopped my hair off to my shoulders, gained a couple pounds, and had tummy stretch marks.

We used to diet and exercise together. I was going to school and working, he was just working. Then he eventually wanted to start going out again, drinking, not being home till 3am while I’m at home with baby.

We always fought because I was sick of him thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. Finally I decided I’d accept him going out that at least he comes home to me. Once I gave him that space, he cheated on me with a girl he knew I didn’t get along with (Novemeber 2014). I forgave him and stuck around. Through the name calling, physical abuse, and put downs. Eventually, I had assumptions again that he was cheating. Turns out, it’s with a girl we work with who again both her and I don’t get along (December 2014). He kept denying it but my friend from work kept telling me just a couple days ago that he’s sorry for not telling me, I just looked so happy with him so he didn’t want to be the one to hurt me by telling the truth of him cheating on my days off.

Well now, then two are hanging out, taking pictures and posting them online, and although I should just move on, even though I can’t cut off all contact for the sake of our son, but I feel like he yes sees meal ticket but he just sees it as a way to really get under my skin for dumping him. I mean he doesn’t even show he cares that we aren’t together. It’s almost like he’s so happy and that kills me. I’m also afraid to see him in love and happy with another woman. I feel lost and I’m already begging for his “love” again ??

Thank you for this post. I was a transitional target, which is just unbelievably painful. Its taken me so long to get perspective. He got me to break up with him and then he blocked me on everything. I found out that after a few months we have the capacity to block people on social media who have us blocked. So when his new supply ended he couldn’t come back. I’m glad as hell I did that. I know what he is, but I also know that I loved him. The illusion he fabricated had me wrapped. He can never be allowed in my life in any way, shape or form again. The hardest part is the number of friends, or so-called friends, I lost because of his abuse. I am truly amazed at how people don’t care, don’t want to hear it, and will turn their back on a victim. I hope the one thing I take away from this is that if someone reaches out for help, that I will reach back and help them. No one deserves to have to try and walk through this alone. Thank you for being one who reaches out to help people.

Reblogged this on My Blackhole and commented:
This post has really helped me as I can relate to every single word. Every woman (or man) dealing with a narcissistic ex should follow Kim Saeed. Recovering from abuse seems to be a daily trial for me, and as I lapsed today – I turned to her blog for support. Be reassured that it’s not you, and the new supply he cheated on you with – will not last.

I keep rereading your blogs, because they are so helpful to know other people are going through a similar thing. And I can relate to all your posts so much. Thank you for helping so many people when they are going through a really rough time. If anyone else is like me – it really feels like you hit rock bottom, and your spirit is destroyed (not just your heart.) Still really hurting about an ex-boyfriend who cheated, was verbally and finally physically abusive. He definitely fits the Narc traits and is a total charmer. I can’t believe I love him still, but I do. I wish I could stop feeling loyal somehow. I need to not look on social media, because I saw photos of him being happy with someone he cheated on me with. Broke my heart. He’s a big community leader and volunteer so it’s not like he’s a shmuck. Just to me. 🙁

I am having trouble moving past how he made me feel about myself.

I’ve been casually seeing a younger guy who is gorgeous. Sweet, has a lot going for him, and this time last year, I’d have laughed if someone told me this guy would even look at me more than two secs. Every time this guy is coming to spend time with me, I am criticizing myself and thinking that this will be the time when he sees that I am really not good enough for him. I haven’t told him this, but if I even hint that I think it, he’s like “you’re goofy, you’re so pretty and a great mom, what are you talking about?”

I know I need to stop and realize that if this guy wasn’t attracted to me, he wouldn’t want to be with me. But I cannot stop thinking that I am not good enough because I didn’t want to live at the gym, etc etc etc. And that he just hasn’t looked at me closely enough yet.

I’m in a very bad spot with 2 children at home a son 11 years of age and a daughter who is 9 years of age.
I’m so scared of the things I’ve seen my husband do to others including our children and myself …its the most brutal form of abuse I’ve felt I was raped and held captive at gun or knife point ,physically beaten at times and shot at I couldn’t even put these experiences in the same category as the narcissistic abuse I’m currently living with.
I have managed to not be a hstfull little person or someone who wants others to hurt because I have, this has tested my faith and at times questioned my God. All of my family have left my children and i alone choosing to take his side …my children are so afraid of him they won’t say a word ……help

hi i just wanted to share my story. I have been in a 13 year relationship. He was 19 and i was 22 when we started dating. He has help me raise my sister and brother, we have a nice home that we where buying that only has my name on it! He seemed to be the prefect man for me. untill I found out tht he nolonger wants to be in a relationship. He has been talking to a ton of women everyday! one of them he talks to 5xs a day for hours. I Have tried to talk to him he only want to play me off i told him to get out 3 weeks ago. He will not come and get his clothes. He also paid the mortgage for the the month of Jan. 2015. so now im not understanding what this is. He clearly has other places he can spend the night at. the funny thing is one of the other women have called me and played on my phone. I called him and asked him y was some girl calling me he said he didnt know what i was talking about and tht he misses me and can he come home! I told him no but he can come and get his items and he just hangs up the phone and will text and says he loves me and misses me!! Im so lost PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Dear, dear Kaylie, how I feel for you. Your heartfelt posts made me weep.
I have been there – twice – with the same toxic narcissist, with a 30 year gap!!! The second time, after not seeing or hearing from him for over 30 years, was even worse than the first, when I was 22.

I wrote about it earlier (Dec 6). He is now with my ‘best’ friend. Still. As far as I know. But I don’t want to know. It comes into my mind now and then. I just shake my head and feel so sorry for them. I often want to contact my ‘friend’ to warn her. It won’t do any good, I know. She must learn this lesson herself.
Because it IS a lesson we must learn. We have to change our mindset. It is difficult after a lifetime of repeated patterns but it is possible and if we don’t do it now, it will repeat…and repeat…

Going ‘cold turkey’ is the only place to start. (I gave up smoking 32 years ago and this was the only way to do it! It worked. Even now I still get a faint nostalgia if I smell someone lighting up. If I succumbed, I’d be hooked again). NC. NC. NC….!!!!

You do not need anyone to affirm your ability to love. You have done it! With each Narcissist. That’s why you are suffering now. You were so good at giving unconditional love they simply wallowed in it. But, it takes 2. Once you realised there was no reciprocal feelings (and we do feel it, even if it’s sub-consciously), the common response is to try to grab it back, becoming a ‘needy’ and ‘clingy’ personality….something that can seem so alien to us ‘balanced’ souls!!! We can hate ourselves for it. But N’s hate it even more. Can’t cope with it. It means ‘commitment, empathy, talking, understanding’…everything they have no capacity for in their stunted emotional selves. So the cycle goes on.

We should never have to have someone else give us permission to accept and love ourselves. N’s hate themselves deep down because they don’t know real love. We want to ‘help’ them to discover it within themselves. We believe we can sift through the layers of their souls and find that basic emotion. Sadly, we can’t. It is sites like this that confirm that over and over. Even psychologists often can’t.

It has been said by many others, but I will say it again, fill your life with good things. You have work. Be with the right friends. Learn new things. Go for walks in the country. Walk barefoot! Learn to say No to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Build boundaries with people….(not brick walls!)…but decide what you can/can’t tolerate. Above all try to be positive in your thinking. Small steps. Each day. Remember what you have, not what you don’t have.

Yesterday, someone said ‘If you were given loads of money would you change your friends, family, hobbies…etc.?’ No. Perhaps house, car but not those important, life-affirming experiences….and certainly not my dog!!! He is my very best friend!

In a few months time you will be so thankful to be out of his life. Forever.

By working on yourself, you will attract like-minded people into your life. People who make you happy because you make them happy. I have my own business and sometimes get panicked about where the next order will come from! (Common amongst us self-employed!). But my experience and mantra is ‘Do something. Anything. Positively’. I push….something…and that door doesn’t open…I try something else….no result….then…a new door that I never saw…suddenly opens….and orders from an unknown source come along! Back in business!!

Same in everyday life. I promise. It can just be a stranger you fall into conversation with…..an article you read by chance….I don’t believe in ‘co-incidence’, I think these things happen for a reason! Because you want them to.

Love and hugs to you, Tricia.

Hello Kim, interesting Blog congrats! and very helpful

I wrote another comment but didnt got here…

I need help. Im in the middle break down. Long story short similar with others here… Me ditched like never existed, new Target supply…all over social media…but this is not the only part..she seems like Psychopath herself. and he seems very much “in love…

It breaks me down because December used to mean something to “Us” if there ever was US you know… best and worst moments..had with him were in December

I was Idealised , triangulated with another girl, on again off again, was with her then I decided to call it off even deactivated my FB. Of course tremendous guilt. Found out about Narcisism…. knew before, cause I was exposed long time before to those in my family to PDisorderes enough!

Thats why I think I chose HIM…if I made him to love me…it was like great challenge ultimate desire of Child of Narcisists you know? the fairy tale…… deep seated desires of inner child..to be loved by the Unlovable..aggressive ill tempered

Thing is, I think it finnally sinked into me…especially in my heart (though I think I dont know if I have one left in me after so many blows…. My own mother is Narcisist has more than tendencies…aggressivity abuse all checked. But I firmly believe that my Father is Cover Psychopath….not so extrovert as her rather covert, but with lot of dysfunctional

Anyway…after long years of back and forth…I thought he was my “soulmate” bhahaha what joke…he destroyed so much of me I cant even…Idealise , then turn tables, then stupid, ugly handicapped, then replaced completely. ditched

Of course YOU LOSE YOUR MIND!

You feel so lonely in the process of recovery, and many reach all sorts of phases…. because NPD is still such misunderstood concet and Psychopaths are SO good at pretending that they are good “intended” people..that they charm a lot of people experts judges.. But I KNOW…HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW..

And he is such Sadist… mind games cant even imagine… evrything I wanted now gives to another like “she” is the ultimate queen…when in fact she nothing of that, just another someone…Actress in his Movie..or her own crazy movie XD lol

Yeah… I really need help this time. Ive had episodes when broke me down , but now…I admit it was all my fault because I went back to check on him, old stuff and profiles… and got very hurt, bruised. and angry..just starting with angry but honestly Im fabulous mess..

I loved him so much…gave him so much…and that is the way you treat someone? EVEN IF you never loved or respectedbut who DOES THAT?? Except malignant Narc Psychopath ?? of course

It got point where he treated me so so bad…. but got me so dependent and broken that I could not be without him, like an addiction. But still LOOK, I broke free…I got 2 jobs, friends…had no reason to go back to the insanity.

Except that I was triggered, you know holidays..December that meant a lot to me.. not him seems. Because actually we were in “relationship” with our own idealised Version Perfect Man…they were never THAT man…just mirrored US

But he seems pretty struck by that girl… and it kills me that he could and can treat me so cold ,like a Terrorist! When all I did was love him, more than myself…more than anyone really in life…and he took everything and left me for…2 dollar Pornstar? chick really?? such an idiot XD

Do you know or have any tips on how can I deal with this…to get out of this state sooner? I used to do sports but lately I kinda didnt… some program, Meditation anything… a support group would be great!

Will read more of your blog!

Thanks for reading! help,

Kaylie..

I am tired of hurting myself and I dont wanna hurt myself ..worse this time because of him much worse.. because I feel this phase wont lead me well so thats why I reach out to you in hopes that maybe

I feel like such an Insane person, I know its just a phase but its unbelivable how much it can get to you…. and its obvious why….when you love you are VULNERABLE something that is very FAR away from the Ass*oles Narcisists because Intimacy scares them!

Are the ultimate obsolete Cowards…. they would rather push frustrations Anger Hate onto YOU (consciously!) than look inside…. and I still ask if they are capable of love?? who is capable of real love and could behave like this ?

Never been on Meds but I feel I would need them now. if you have any advice Id gladlly read it! Thanks!

I want to get better and heal for good…from Narcisism toxicity…a lifetime Im getting tired and weak with my health.

Hy Kim and Congratulations for your blog!

It is resourcefull site and very very useful. Bumped into it while searching (again) for reasons why …. did I had to endure crap all my life from As*holes and Narcisists

Ive been “officially” discarded like almost 2 years ago, but it wasnt full NC … but almost. Im not even sure I should call it relationship, because that happens between 2 people, and what happened with Me and N was very one sided, so you might as well say you were “relationship” but all by yourself. it feel more accurate

I like that in this post you dont refer to us just as Victims, or dumb vulnerable Victims exposed to this and that….NO we are not that…we are Strong Empathic Intelligent creatures… funny how many have lots of degrees, or have normal families (some) in my case I had some history with PDisordered early, so I was arleady exposed to that.

Long story short…. I found this in the middle of break-down.. because as I said I was thrown away like toilet paper and never heard from him, unless I was the one making Contact…so after years on off, explanation was probably “Bored as in lot cases….but aside from that, he seems to have found”long looked for love of his life” so I was discarded and forgotten. How nice, right?

Anyway hes not new to this, history of cases like these… triangulation alll symptoms, putting you PTSD cause thats what I think Im going through right now..back and forths, games , turning the tables whenever it suits him to feel “in control”…Abuse his favorite part…. and finnally the silent treatment

Lovely. I went strong 2014, and last year after the discard..it wasnt the first time but things got worse and worse. I completely turned my Life around though after periods deep Mind F…and depression and all the lovely stuf, anger and all sorts. I became a pretty hard to stand person for people around me, but in the same time much much Stronger and ..did not take anyones sh*t anymore

I met along my journey lot of great great people that shaped me, helped me and gave me Confidence… to whom I feel very grateful <3 … and I hope that they will stay also in my future

Thing is …one of biggest Mind F that He applied to me was in December…and also then we had some great stuff Memories …you know they have pleasure mixing Good and Bad to F U in the head even more cause they are "Invincible" can do anything while we are inferior suckers who just happen to love them. Right? 😀 right

And I was busy busy 2014.. I had a LOT glorious great moments and periods…I plan to make them again. but you know the saying when things go too Ok, I gotta ruin them!

And that s what I did!

I forgot to tell, I am (almost) Adult Child Survivor of Narcisistic Family… not all of them but most of them have traits…pretty difficult people to stay in Contact with without getting an Insult in conversation, or be made to feel "stupid worthless or inferior.

I kept long periods of being NC with them…I tried very very Hard there were periods when I thought I wasnt gonna make it…I had SOO much edge in my life and Ive been and seen TOO much ..dysfunctional , but I did not let that…take me underground neither THEIR ugly destroy me…completely.

But there are times like these when ..I feel I cant make it anymore on my own, that is the reason I reached out here. do you have or know any support groups? I used to be member of some but I lost touch and here I am again… 😀

Coming back to why am I here… I was discarded and it hurt me lot, but beyond that…his cruelty sadism. and the fact that can treat people like objects thrown away like never existed :|… and that is NOT all

The girl he replaced me with..Im guessing shes another Psychopath Narc… and you know the story all over social media, they have picture perfect" thing but I KNOW much of is fake, because they live for appearance do they?

I dont know…. if you can answer me give me your opinion on what could help me out of my state… would appreciate very much

Thing is, I knew what it was, how he is and its my fault because I looked on the old profiles..but its the same story "everything I wanted he gives to HER and treats her like Queen while seems to completely forgot that I exist… and this got to me especially since December was so important to "us" right)…. and I fell again

even though I had no reason , I have 2 jobs was going very very well on all plans..even too well. But there were triggers and I am human …and often forget that he is NOT..

Thanks for reading!

Kaylie

I am so needing validation right now. Please help me!! The man I was seeing left me..after 4.5 years, to go back to his ex wife # 3. He had been living with ex wife # 2 until late Sept. when he finally left her, moved to another state to live with his brother and his family. During this time, he called me constantly, he began drinking again and was calling me drunk, professing his love for me and we began to make plans. I was going to join him after the first of the year. One night in late Oct. he called me drunk outta his mind and crying and yelling and just uncontrollable. We talked for about 30 mins..he sang our song to me, said he loved me like crazy and couldn’t wait for us to be together. This was on a Wednesday night. I got one text later that night that said only..”F***kin cry babies!” I assumed he and his brother had gotten into an argument. And waited till morning to text back….I texted all day, called all day..and nothing..not one word from him. Finally on Friday morning, he texted to tell me he had left his brothers and was now with his 3rd ex wife and was going to stay with her. I called him and he would not answer the calls, he kept texting telling me to quit trying his mind was made up, but that when he said he loved me he meant it. All in the world I can surmise from this is that he needed a place to go…so he conned her. He treated her so badly (I have since learned) during their 4 year relationship and 5 month marriage. Why in the world she took him back is beyond me. They have been divorced 6 years….after their divorce he did go back to the 2nd ex wife for the six years, tried to commit suicide by hanging and a lot of other stuff. Please tell me that I am right in knowing..in time he will do to her again what he did before? I want to know that I am right about what a loser he is…I truly don’t wish any harm to this woman. I think he has strung her along all these years.. She is the one who kicked him out before and divorced him. Am I just being weird here..or is there something to my assumption’s??? Thank you! P.S. I haven’t spoken one word to him since he did this….I put NC into place right then.

I need help.. I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for the past year. I;m only 20 years old, he’s 4 years my senior. When we first got together, I thought we were going to be perfect. He was nice and sweet and attentive but I began seeing some warning signs. He’d say things to me like “just completely let go and just fall for me with everything you have” and “I feel like I’m in competition with your mom”
As time went on, things only got worse.. he demeaned me, made fun of really personal things I opened up to him about, and just generally would disregard my feelings when I told him how upset or sad I was over thinking. He’d either accuse me of overreacting or get mad and yell at me. One particular ex kept coming up as well, and it’s an ex that would contact him to try and see him and go out with him. Every time I confronted him about certain situations, evidence would disappear and I would feel crazy.
Now, it’s worse than ever. He makes me feel terrible about myself and I cry constantly, but I’m always the one apologizing. Just recently he liked pics of his ex after I told him how it made me feel, and it’s been a 3 day fight. I have no idea if he’s seeing/talking to this girl or not (part of me has no doubt he is for some other type of affirmation) but it’s killing me inside. It’s making me feel like I’m not enough, or good enough, or worthy enough and I know he won’t stop contacting her.
I have no idea how to get away. I’ve tried a few times and was pretty confident in doing so, but each time, I went back to him. he treats me like a door mat and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m finding myself more and more on edge and I feel constantly angry and annoyed and mad at everything and everyone EXCEPT him.
I really don’t know how to get out of this. I have no friends and don’t do much except go to the gym, go to work, and go home unless I’m seeing josh. I feel like I’m damned if I do, and completely alone if I don’t.

Thank you so much! My “boyfriend” up and changed his number one day. No explanation. Nothing. He was married/separated. It hurt like hell. Couldn’t breathe. Eat. Work…
A month exactly after he cut off contact he messaged me. I told him he broke my heart. His response, “I broke my own into pieces.” Being very evasive. Didn’t answer any of my questions. I knew then he was someone I should stay far away from.
I had no idea he was this person. He is back w his wife. I’m certain. Why does she stay w him? She knew about me. I think she suggested he change his # so they could work on their marriage.
A piece of me wants this hurt to go away and be back w him, but I just can’t go through all that again. “Supply” and demand… Lol at least I can joke about it. Thanks again!

Hi I read a lot and all the stories I read hit everything dead on please if anyone can give me words of hope.. my story has a lot of twist met a man online the beginning friends he was six year younger then me after we started having sex he was always coming bye we smoke pot laughed watch movies I went away to visit family he was to watch my cat that when it started I came home and busted him calling a girl who said she was his girlfriend she told me he said I was his drug dealer and I was in shock I had just gotten out of rehab and back in school and I was a dominated for work so but am a empath this horror has changed my life I can’t even get into details so I’ll make a list of damage he has done to me …..now I a, scared for my life I am very depressed and if he comes back again well I can’t take it from the start I catch him and he beat me up beat me till I was hospitalized on several o casinos he also changes his number has secret apartments and cheats openly when I tried to break it off I a very pretty I can have any man I want we never kissed he said he didn’t like kissing and made me feel ashamed that I was only good enough for oral sex and that was only Ora
Sex with him never gave me oral sex and also forced me into giving him anal sex in the begging in he was double dosing me on my PhD c med at one incident I woke up naked and my hole body destroyed had to have stitches in my rectum when I woke his phone was disconnected he robbed some cash police didn’t find him and I was starting to feel like it was my fault cause I drank with him before the incident months later he came back said he loved me and at this point I was hooked bad I was abused as a child and after a lot of therapy threw the years of him coming in and out my life as I rite this I miss him but realize I miss someone he created the person I love never existed just like I i
did not exist in his world he new my family lived with me on and go and in ten years I never met his family his mother hated me because I told her exactly what he was doing I didn’t except we fought broke my nose end result he went to rehab I went and he got to follow his dream for his career as a sailor how convent fo a sosipsth I never would
do of dreamt I be abused
Ike this and love it between him coming in and out my life and hurting me over and over again he new I was not a well girl I was sensitive treated him like a god we never had a reason to fight except for his devious ways. So here is a list of things that I am ashamed of I truly thought I could help him we I help a lot of people on the Internet and started a you tube with my stories because every time he abused me I was alone like a dog waiting till he came back from day one I was a victu, lost friends and family and I was ever tial isolating because of the pain he case me so threw the years I have slit my wrist several tie and also overdoses on Xanax and they revived me and I kept taking him back he had a hold in me and mean while no kissing no oral ad only from behind I was a dominated but for money not my lifestyle I felt I deserve the abuse and I was so in love I do anything to please him
Always money missing
left while I slept after sex
Claim he had no phone
Had sex with my fieemds
Stolen my car
Date rape
Drugged me
Lost all my friends
took ,me for my saving and his family was wealthy
Ten years never met family and very few remiss
Helped him threw college
Broke my nose pinky and rib
Broke into my home
Wrecked my cars
Stood me up
Hurt me so he cane see me hurt and he can stop the blood
The list can on forever I’m ashamed this man is a genius and the scariest predator 8 even seen I’m scared and want to feel again vi want to be kissed please reply I am isolating my therapist died and I just need closure I can’t sleep r eat I’m fed up i doc want him to come home and act normal but facts are he has no feel and facts are I was good to him all I don’t WA give give give give her am 34 tens years invested ĺ

Kim, this is exactly where I am right at this very moment.
I didn’t realise he was a narcisisst until after we split and my friend pointed out she had been watching for 3 years..
Now I read as much as I can and he is extreme.. The cruelty of his words and actions.. He has spent the last 7 weeks (since the split- I found messages from the other woman) telling me I’m the one but he can’t handle my daughter so the other woman is an easier option for him. He doesn’t want to be alone but he loves me so much.. He met her 8 weeks ago, she is now the 6th woman I know of, (ridiculous I know) so I left, he is now saying they were just friends and it only became more because I left him.. I broke his heart when I walked out and she was there for support.. She believes this too, I have tried talkig to her..
I look at this woman who is a prominent business woman in the industry I (used to) work in (I was fired after one of his outbursts in my workplace) and she is head over heels for him. I have tried to tell her what he’s been saying to me and he has convinced her I’m nuts..
It is so hard to talk about him as this horrible narcissist man when there were times he was truly beautiful to me..
I think a part of me is still believing he loves me and is hoping for more contact but I also know I have to cut ties at some point to truly heal..
I am feeling stuck, useless, and foolish..
I truly believe he loves (I guess loved) me and I can’t let go.. But I do not want to be the other woman..
My greatest fear, is that after all I have done for him (EVERYTHING imaginable) that she will get the happy ever after I dreamed of with him..
I had to have our house perfect 24/7 and now he says I couldn’t even get that right, I worked full time and even then would spend half of my day chasing up things he needed like arguing with phone companies or insurance brokers, demanding car services beyond the expectations if normality.. But I did it all lovingly, and just believed he was too insecure or unsure how to do it himself..
Will he change for her, will he become the great man I believed he would be for me, for her??
My failure is crippling me..
Any thoughts or direction is greatly appreciated… L.

First of all thanx so much Kim for this amazingly inspiring blog.
My narc ex left me earlier this year. He simply packed up and moved out and I was left staying alone in his apartment. Soon after he started threatening me to move out or he will call the police( I was not helping with the rent as I was unemployed)
I knew he was messing around with other women right from the beginning of our relationship, I found evidence on his laptop and iPhone. He admitted once to sleeping with a hooker. I knw there were more. His job required him to travel often so he would be away from hom up to a month at the most. I also found out that he even messed around with a lady boy on one of his business trips to bangkok. Worst thing is I joined him there for a few week then had to fly back home, he stayed on for a few weeks longer. It was in this time he messed around more with hookers and ladyboys. My birthday was also around that time and all I got was a sloppy msg on skype, happy birthday, I wish things could go back to the way they were before. Of course he was talking about the love bombing phase. When he returned from Bangkok he had a guilty look on his face. He would not even have intercourse with me. That’s when I waited for him to sleep and search through his iPhone. I found msgs between him and the bangkok lady boy hooker as well as pics. I for sure know it was a lady boy as I spent enough time out there to know what they look like. In the msgs he spoke about they can sleep late on Sunday cos he has no work and the lady boy answers back they will be having intercourse all day. I hope and pray to the universe to punish this filthy dirty dog and hope his balls turn green and fall off.

This is all true. My sociopathic ex was grooming his new supply before the final death blow to my ego, making sure I was left in fetal position in the corner. He disappeared then reappeared a few months later with a boo hoo story just to see if I would bite…and I did..he got what he wanted then he devalued and disappeared…again…repeatedly.. Until one day I said I had enough and not sure what allowed me to finally open my eyes to his game. I’m sure when he tried to come back it was a triangulation with the other woman. I’m not sure. Now he’s all blocked and I hope he never enters my life again. Theres hope for those who think the vicious circle will never end.

You have many responses and that is really sad so many of us have to go through this abuse. You probably wont get a chance to read mine. I will write as if writing to myself. Classic: sweeping me off my feet relationship while he was separated from “abusive” wife with 3 kids. He played the victim: ex wife abused him and she denied him from his 3 kids that were his world. In A Nutshell: He convinced me , courts, & everyone that the Mother was Unfit. Got full custody of his three beautiful kids. When they cam to live with us he instantly dumped them into my lap. I supported all 4 of them financially emotionally, and physically. 13 years. Now I am 3 thousands miles away. I ran from him and left my/ his kids for my life. I had to file bankruptcy, leave my college and carrer dreams because I thought I met My SoulMate. He made so many broken promises of having children together but left me barren….a long story there,

Hello, I am 24 yrs old and a medical student. I feel pretty desperate to even write this but I am in such a need of advice and a helping hand. I met this “amazing guy” 11 months ago. He made ALL my dreams come true, my family kind of opposed since he didnt have an education and had a dead end job while I have so much going on for me. I feel for him because he just dug into my soul and made me believe he was the one. Words cannot describe how much love we had …in the beginning. After 5 months of him moving in with me after 2 months of knowing me, after 3 months he wanted to propose and have kids… After 5 months I had to leave for a new chapter in my life-Medical school..in Puerto Rico! My dream had come true, I was in a loving relationship and my dream career was at my fingertips. God had blessed me. We agreed on long distance because I did not feel it was right or fair for him to lose all his life for me and come to PR, he insisted but I thought we should have waited a little. This started the beginning of my hell. Any fight, any argument there was no apology. In the end I apologized. Any argument it ended up being my fault. I got him a good job with medical benefits, I got him a nice apartment, I helped him look for schools. I consider myself a good woman and someone who really gave 1000% to this individual. Long diatance meant that I treasured what we had even more and respected our realtionship. But the arguments were getting worse and worse and soon became abusive. He threatened he was going to kill himself, that he was going to burn all my stuff. he begged me over and over to get back with him and I did because I was in love. And now for 4 weeks finally the curse is over, the police are involved due to his verbal violence because I am afraid. But right now I am more destroyed because 4 weeks ago right before this all ended horribly because he does not know how to apologize i found out he was already messaging a girl, asking for her number…an 18 yr old, pierced, high school girl who lives in Staten Island. Not going to school, nothing. And I am literally sitting her broken hearted wondering WHAT THE HELL. I keep telling myself its not me, its him. But words cannot describe the pain… He had everything in me. And he was already going for another.. It just hurts so much to know that I was replaced like that when I am worth so much and love so purely….I just need someone to explain to me all this because its killing me inside. I am going to go see him this weekend since I land in the US and get all my belongings and I will be escorted by a police officer for safety…I wish I had the right thing to say when I walk out so I can at least have one final good say.