Being discarded by a narcissist is one of the most painful experiences victims endure…well, after the heart-wrenching devalue phase. It’s like icing on an insidious, poisonous cake for which only narcissists hold the recipe.
After being discarded, you believe it’s your fault. You obsess over whether you could have done things differently. You languish over your abuser, brooding over whether there’s a chance to win him back and prove your worth.
That’s precisely what he wants.
You see, while he was preening the new supply behind your back, he was busy telling you (and everyone within a 50-mile radius) everything that’s wrong with you and your place in the demise of the relationship. He wants you to believe you are the one who drove him into the arms of another woman. And that’s what victims believe. Every time.
Narcissists need you to think the problems in the relationship are solely your fault, and it’s no different during the break up. Remember how he became particularly nasty at the end, leaving you in a heaping mess on the floor in the fetal position? That was to guarantee he held no accountability while making arrangements to move in with the new supply. Meanwhile you take the burden of the situation on your shoulders.
As painful as it is, there is a blueprint for what happened. Your abuser brainwashed you from the beginning. He hooked you in by sweeping you off your feet. Once you were completely under his spell, he began to chip away at your confidence, independence, and self-image. He masterminded a way to make you completely dependent upon his approval while destroying any support you had on the outside.
And since the relationship was doomed from the start, it was crucial for him to make you believe it was your fault when the relationship came to an end.
The New Woman
After being unceremoniously kicked to the curb, you discover your partner is living a magical fairy tale with an attractive, happy-go-lucky new partner.
Appearances can be deceiving.
You might think she’s prettier, or has a better body. It’s tortuous, especially after being conditioned by your abuser to think you’re worthless and unattractive. That he has a new partner in less than a week only intensifies these feelings. But it has nothing to do with the new woman. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s all about him and the fact that he’s a predatory manipulator.
He didn’t choose her because of her looks, nor because of “love”. He chose her because he cannot survive alone, and she was the first one to fit the bill of new supply. While he was in the final phase of discarding you, he was conditioning her. Any observations you make regarding her looks, body, car, etc., are coincidental. Remember, he doesn’t see what you see when you look at her. The only thing he sees is MEAL TICKET.
Think of it this way. If you go to a nice buffet dinner, you expect a variety of choice that includes several items you prefer. You’re not going to choose the dried out, discolored dish on the left that everyone keeps passing over. You are going to pick the steaming, fresh dish that not only tastes good, but will be available in ample supply until you’re full.
That’s the mindset of the Narcissist when he chooses his new target. Just as you eventually tire of the buffet and decide you’ve had enough, the Narcissist will do the same with his new supply because either he gets bored, or the dish is no longer the same because some of the ingredients are missing. Consequently, he will eventually devalue and discard her, too.
If you’ve been discarded, you should use it to your advantage and ensure he can’t get you back under his spell. Many individuals in this position allow the Narcissist back in and end up being the “Other Woman”. Yep, regardless of the fact he has a new girl in his life, these predators usually keep their former partners as side-supply because they get bored at some point. Don’t allow him to use you this way. He made the choice to leave you. Don’t give him the chance to have his cake and eat it, too.
Emotional abuse and emotional unavailability are not issues you can fix by staying in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you or your feelings.
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