narcissists destroy good people

5 Ways the Narcissist is Scheming to Destroy You Right Now

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Can I be straight up with you?  Narcissists destroy good people.

If you have reason to believe you’re dealing with a narcissist, your future and your health are in grave danger.

Over the past several years, I’ve read countless stories depicting how the lives of victims of narcissistic abuse were destroyed. I’ve also worked with hundreds of clients in every imaginable situation, and I’ve seen firsthand what happens when one continually gives the narcissist the benefit of the doubt.

I know you were raised to believe that good always prevails, to turn the other cheek, and to help those you love who are in need, but when it comes to narcissists, those beliefs will bring you crashing down in a heap of flames. 

Narcissists are extremely good at making you believe they are on the mend, that they will treat you better, or that they’ve finally had The Divine Epiphany.  You know, the one where the angels parted the clouds in a glorious moment of melodic, celestial descension, touching down and instilling divine insight into the narcissist’s brain, revealing how much they need you in their life and how sorry they are for all the pain they’ve caused.

But, it’s all a scheme to destroy you.

In particular, there are five narcissistic behaviors and schemes that really bother me. If you’re struggling to detach from the narcissist, to resist their hoovering, or are feeling fed up with yourself for the number of times you’ve forgiven them, chances are it’s because you’ve bought into one or more of these schemes.

Let’s jump in…

Scheme #1 – They successfully accomplished their recent hoovering mission and now the two of you are rekindling your love and vowing your unending devotion to one another.

If the narcissist recently wedged their way back into your life, you may be feeling particularly blissful, especially if there is a special occasion coming up or a holiday is drawing near.  Perhaps you feel so utterly wonderful that you are excitedly making plans for your next vacation. 

The reason you feel euphoric right now is that the narcissist likely promised to give you all the things you need to help you feel emotionally safe.  This has released high levels of dopamine in your brain. In fact, it’s not only that the narcissist is back in your life that has you feeling so ecstatic, but it’s also the anticipation of an improved future with them that’s sustaining your biochemical high.

This scheme is part of the narcissist’s hurt and rescue mission.  They may have “rescued you” after a recent silent treatment or your discovery of their affair partner, but they are secretly planning to push you off the cliff again soon.  This hurt and rescue process is how they maintain your symptoms of trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance.

If you’ve recently let the narcissist back in after a stint of exceptionally good hoovering, prepare yourself for what’s coming.  

Scheme #2 – You recently found out they’ve been seeing someone else, and their response was to disappear off the face of the earth.

Of course, the whole time they’re gone, you obsess 24/7 over what they are doing with their affair partner, going down the checklist of all the possible reasons they cheated on you.  Ultimately, you feel so unattractive and uninteresting, you begin to idolize the narcissist and embark on all the things you’ll do to improve yourself and win back the narcissist’s love.

When the narcissist eventually returns following their crippling silent treatment, you will be emotionally defenseless and more prone to accepting their offensive behaviors in order to avoid their leaving you again.  It may even lead to your pleading, apologizing, and begging the narcissist not to leave, even when you have done no wrong.

This scheme is designed to trigger your abandonment wounds and destroy your self-esteem.  Over time, your abandonment wounds will run so deep that you may eventually accept their having another lover and put yourself into the role of The Fallback.  In this way, the narcissist can extract copious amounts of supply from you because you’ll do anything to keep them in your life as you engage in the humiliating “Pick Me” dance. 

Don’t let yourself fall into anxiety and depression by thinking there’s something wrong with you. Narcissists do this to everyone, so try your best not to take it personally.

Scheme #3 – You’ve been talking divorce with the narcissist and they say you should avoid lawyers and save your money. 

They may even go so far as to write up an agreement with you, making it appear they are willing to be reasonable and give you your fair share during the separation. 

Typically, narcissists don’t play fair when it comes to divorce.  In the beginning, they often pretend to be fair and civil, but it’s only a matter of time until you discover the truth. 

During the initial stages of my own divorce and custody proceedings with my ex, I fell for the “we don’t need lawyers, let’s save money” trap and showed up to our first hearing alone, expecting that we would settle things between ourselves and the Judge. 

My ex showed up with an attorney and they had secretly written up a divorce agreement, springing it on me about three minutes before we went before the Judge.  I had two minutes to examine it.  It seemed fair enough, so I signed it.  Big mistake.  It was so vague that the attorney I later retained wondered how in the world a Judge would sign off on it. 

Of course, it was intentionally vague to give my ex various freedoms and as little accountability as possible. 

Another trap they’ll spring on you is calling you greedy or that if you’ve been a stay-at-home mom or homemaker that you don’t deserve anything, or – the all-time whopper – they’ve had The Divine Epiphany and discovered they don’t want to divorce you, after all. 

Narcissists want you to believe you are a greedy gold-digger so they can waltz away with everything.  In fact, they truly believe you don’t deserve anything and will do all in their power to keep from splitting assets, paying alimony, or paying child support. 

If they see you’re not backing down, that they may have to split the joint property, or pay you any kind of support, they will again pretend to have had an epiphany (yet will continue their affairs behind your back). 

If you can, get a good attorney and a private investigator.

Read:  Breaking No Contact Can Hurt You in Court

Scheme #4 – Buttering you up and then asking you to give them money or enter into a financial commitment with them.

I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve worked with who have been financially devastated because they gave in to the narcissist’s seemingly genuine requests to give them a loan, start a business together, open joint accounts, or buy a house or vacation home together.  

They may have loaned you money or paid for a big-ticket item at some point to make you believe they are generous, but it was only to instill in you a sense of obligation in preparation for the debilitating shaft you’d get from them later. 

Another scheme that falls into this category is their asking for your support while they are unemployed. These schemes are all designed to “break the seal” in the area of financial matters so they can take shocking liberties later, such as:

  • Getting loans in your name
  • Taking out a second mortgage on your home without your knowledge
  • Not paying IRS taxes, resulting in your possible confinement in jail
  • Expecting you to pay for everything while they save their own money for themselves
  • Forcing you to get all the utilities and insurances in your name so you’ll have to pay for them all

…and so on and so forth. 

If you’ve been having problems in your relationship and believe your partner is a narcissist, it would be in your best interest to avoid mingling your finances in any way

Scheme #5 – Just when you think you have made the narcissist happy, they pull the rug out from under you.

The ultimate indicator that the narcissist has gained complete control over you is when you are consumed entirely with making them happy. 

From the very beginning, the narcissist has groomed you to relinquish everything that is part of your personality: the way you dress, your interests, your friends, your family, and even the bond you have with your children.  In fact, you may be so consumed with making the narcissist happy, that you’ve barely noticed that everything that has been dear to you is slipping through your fingers like quicksand. 

The narcissist achieves this by grooming you to anticipate their every need.  No longer do you care about your appearance, your plans for the future, or the state of your career (other than to lament that those things are lost causes, anyway).  All you care about is making sure you’ve appeased the narcissist in order to win their approval. 

However, the very nature of narcissism decrees that you, as their target, can never feel satisfied or safe in knowing you’ve made them happy.  Therefore, the very moment you feel pride in knowing you’ve accomplished something they’ve made clear is required to stay in their good graces, they will pull the rug out from under you.  Simply because narcissists destroy good people.

This is often described as their “moving the goalposts”, “the never-ending prospect of redemption”, and the almighty “no-win situation”.

Not only does this result in your becoming an excellent source of supply for them, but it will also lead to the destruction of your mental and physical health, leading to Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Additionally, I’ve read countless stories of targets who’ve had to go on psychotropic medications, who developed certain cancers, who lost their cognitive functioning, developed IBS, developed fibromyalgia, lost their adrenal function, or, shockingly, took their own lives.

The good news is that you can turn it all around.  When you’ve eliminated the risks you can control, you can dive in and start clearing your path to healing.  If you hit a road bump or make a mistake, brush yourself off, learn something useful from it… and then pick yourself back up.

Because that’s what survivors do.

How to Get Help

If you believe you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, you don’t have to tolerate it. Consider whether or not the relationship is doing you more harm than good.

Don’t blame yourself. A person’s choice to be abusive isn’t because of anything you’re doing or not doing. You’re not the cause for their behavior, no matter what they say.

Taking care of yourself is the biggest priority, which may include breaking off the relationship. 

Here are some helpful tips and resources:  

1 –  is a free email series designed to help you understand the reality of narcissistic and emotional abuse. Each email focuses on a different aspect of abuse and provides tips and strategies to help you disentangle yourself.

2 – The Break Free Bootcamp – Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally break free from abuse and heal your life.

The Bottom Line

Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But, it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift.⠀Helpful tools and resources can assist you in developing effective ways to break free from narcissistic abuse. 

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Karen says March 19, 2024

Feel like I’m dealing with narcissistic abuse by a friend I’ve been seeing foraehile

Kim oliver says February 21, 2022

I am 26 mths out of the narc reality and trying to find my way financially. I have earned a life coaching certificate and feel stuck financially w no clear direction to go in. If there is any way to speak w Kim by phone for some advice on what might be a smart next step in my ability to thrive financially, i would so appreciate it, for I deeply respect her integrity and wisdom as a coach and person. I am starting over w $1000 a mth social security and have gone through my life insurance from my husband passing and monies from losing my home w the narc insanity.Ive made through cancer twice, hep c and now determined to fight kidney failure and become the thriving, confident, whole human being I was created to be. I wonder if you could help me find my niche w coaching? Thank you for spending the time reading this. Means SO much to me. There’s something about you that touched my heart more than all the other people Ive listenned to over these past 2yrs in the throws of recovery from the craziness of narcissistic abuse. Your videos have bn such a blessing to me. Thank yiu for what you do Kim. God bless you ?

Amber Shyanne says September 27, 2021

I know I’m in a very toxic relationship with a narassicis. My problem is he’s dangerous.I have had him thrown in jail many of times but he always gets out. Finds me. So I play the game that I care, for my safety. Nobody understands why I still associate with him. Because if I don’t I’m a done dill pickle. I have actually moved across the US changed my name. He always finds me one way or another. Promising mehe love and how he will change. Bullshit. Anyway being involved with a narassicis is extremely dangerous. They never go away. They thrive on power,fear, destroying you. Because with out you they have no purpose. Nobody will ever ever in their life love them the way you did. They know that. Without you they have nothing

Sher says December 3, 2020

I love reading this your articles, but am afraid to respond. Been with my Narc for 15yrs and I have nothing left but what I say doesn’t matter, its ignored and we go on like nothing has happened. We are not married but own a home together, so much to talk about, not enough time. I need to talk to a lawyer in OH about the house, don’t want to leave have 2 lrg Sheppard and he doesn’t do anything here. I sleep on the couch and went without a kitchen for 7 years until I said I was moving, everything got done but my upstairs which was my b

Gina says November 15, 2020

Hello Kim, thank you and your team for all your great insights and helpful advice.

I am doing pretty OK by now and am leading a 98% fear-free life, I only have occasional panic issues. Should you be interested, I have written a book about my mishaps, only now it is fiction with the grand-niece of Sherlock Holmes figuring out the narc. On / Kindle or I can send you the rough manuscript by mail.
Meanwhile the narc looks old with those “dead eyes”, I saw a photo from last year.

Stay healthy and good luck! Gina

Anonymous says July 17, 2020

Kim thanks for helping me through it.i was with a narrasite for 7years didn’t know it until she belittled me and my granddaughter and give me the boot like I was been almost 2yrs now.and I read what you have available.and I totally ignore her and she has done everything to destroy me and smear campaign and flying monkeys and I totally ignore her and her boy.they no longer mean anything to me and I’m doing just fine .im damaged goods but I doing very well without her.and I can’t thank you enough ??Alfred

iKIm says February 12, 2020

This is something I have learned and still learning after I lost my car back in 2015 I was in a position trying to fix my life again. I lost not only my car but also my job everything else that went on. Where I live there are no public transportation I can take. I live in the Suburbs of Pennsylvania So when the opportunity came for me to drive again I thought it was a great opportunity because my parents said if I got the car insurance I would be able to get the title and deed to the car. SO today 2/12/2020 the insurance became effective. Yet. when I told my father that i got the insurance he ended up changing the rules on me. He wasn’t clear on what he wanted from me all he told me was after he got the new car he would give me the old one same with my mother on the situation. ON Christmas that is what was told me. Now they have three cars. I still don’t have a car or the deed when I need the car to drive because I can’t go back to work or do anything or take my son to daycare. I didn’t spend 6 6moths worth of insurance $442.86 to be exact to not drive. I am normally not this impulsive but I took the bait because I do need to drive and not driving close to 5 years has caused me to be crazy. I am not sure what to do… because all I hear is I am not working, doing anything productive, or taking care of my son when they want to control that aspect. I can’t seem to do anything right and it is driving me crazy in the end because money is exceptionally tight and I felt i got scammed or schemed in the end. Unless my emotions are getting the best of me right now. A lot of people even my neighbors know that where we need a car is crucial to have if you ever want to get around. I am being blamed in my situation I feel like as though there is something wrong with me when I try to make it right in the end. My son is asking me why I am not driving or wants me to drive grandma or grandpas car when I can’t. It feels as though I am stuck trying to crawl my way out…. Yet, they, my folks watch me squirm in my situation. I live with them because I have been in a situation with my ex where we created problems in the relationship and I needed a break. I need to work on myself. Right now I can’t seem to catch a break from situations I want to move on from.

    Rachel says December 2, 2020

    Getting a friend, neighbor, or relative they respect to speak to them usually helps.

      LIZ says May 17, 2021

      Not necessarily, the narcissist will give them a sob story and be so convincing to the other person they will side with the narcissist.

Anonymous says December 27, 2019

Wow! You nailed it. My ex used to tell me I would never see my kids again if I left him. After a 30 year marriage, he sued for divorce and custody. He continues to work them against me. The Winning Football coach must win at everything in life.

Rosemarie says August 14, 2019

Thank you for your insight. This is a very difficult situation to deal with alone. I planned on leaving my husband years ago. Unfortunately my daughter got very sick and now has MS. Which made it impossible for years to leave. I have filed for divorce and in the process found out he has been cheating for years among other disturbing things. Unfortunately everyone believes his lies and put me in a very bad position. I have went down to hardly any contact. Only if it is about the kids. Moving forward as fast as I can. Thank you for your help and understand

Talia Paris says March 16, 2019

How do I get away from the narc, when I have a custody arrangement with him? I still feel like I can’t move , in the same town

Jerry H. says November 8, 2018

Hi everyone. I have gone through everything you post about narcs. with my own that I was married to for 14 years, and I went no contact just 2 years ago after 4 1/2 years of separation. I went all the way and blocked the ex, ALL of her friends relatives, etc. on my phone, Facebook, etc. and it does work. To anyone out there that is having a problem with an ex Narc. spouse, this is the only way to go. She would have friends call me, text me, or use strange numbers and private numbers, and I would just block every damn one of them. These people are ruthless and do anything to control you. Thanx Kim for your post’s, you are awesome. My life has changed dramatically and it feels like heaven. God bless you all, and I hope you all have success, and peace in your endeavors!

Kat says November 2, 2018

Your story is exactly like mine. My children do not respect me to this day and it’s been 9 year’s since my divorce was finalized.. that divorce lasted 3 year’s in court and he spent $90,000 on his attorney. He also cashed out $350,000 and said that he’d make sure I’d be living in a box on the side of the highway after he was done with me. I’m still affected by the way the children were brainwashed by his ugly disgusting remarks he told the children about me….in front of me daily. He did succeed in making me bankrupt and he left the State after he bought bitterly for custody. Then remarried in secret and did not see my son for 8 year’s. These things are not recognized in court by a Judge. Thank you for posting and I hope you are better now.

Kimbler Brooks says November 2, 2018

I’ve been going no contact for a year and some months it feels great the only problem now is he keeps in contact with a family member and has even asked one to be in his wedding to the new one he left me for. The truth is it wasn’t never about he left but how, why does he still want to include himself and her also in my life still by keeping in contact with a family member that’s close to me.

    Kim Saeed says November 2, 2018

    Hi Kimbler, I am sorry this is happening to you. In these situations, the narcissist absolutely loves showing you that other people view them differently than you do. It’s their way of keeping the charade and the illusion alive to others in an effort to prove they aren’t as bad as you think they are. It’s another form of gaslighting.

    I always recommend talking to the family member and asking them not to be involved in the narcissist’s life in any way, shape, or form. If your family member is truly close to you, they should respect your request.

    Best of luck,

    Kim XoXo

Shirley Akpelu says November 1, 2018

You should not allow the same dog to bite you twice. If you do, it is your fault. We had our second chance about 10 years ago which I regret. I was hoovered and played like a violin. So this time, I know what is going on. The first and second times, I thought I just had a carnal, stubborn believer. Now I because of the Jezebel spirit/narc abuse, I realize this was demonic and he is unable to change. As soon as the money is in my hand, divorce is in my mind. Why should I stay married to a demon? If someone is giving me the silent treatment, we have no relationship and the toxicity needs to end permanently. Go to hell, Jezebel!

    Stephanie Hyleman says November 1, 2018

    Perfectly said?

    Kim Saeed says November 2, 2018

    I just love you, Shirley 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Laurie says November 1, 2018

You and other experts alway provide excellent information. But responses are generally geared to abuse victim in romantic relationships with the narcissist making them not relevant to the narcs I battle which is family and so called friends. I urge you to consider those in my position also seeking tips and wisdom. I already know which romantic partners not to fall for. My best to you.

FREE says November 1, 2018

Thank you Kim for all that you do for us!!! You are my lifeline. I have completed four months of no contact. I am now entering into month 5. There are days when I don’t have the strength to get out of bed and there are days when I feel free as a bird. For the last three days, I have been so angry that my head could explode and today I feel empty and defeated. Why, because three days ago my mother told me she received a Thanksgiving card from my exnarc. It’s like he doesn’t get that I am done. So now I have to worry about what he is going to do next. So now I am back in prison. I am not going to contact him. I made that decision four months ago and it just about killed me. This is so sick and cruel. Right now I am trying to get my strength back because I want to be a warrior princess not a pile of crap on the floor.

    Sher says December 3, 2020

    I know I want him to go and he should have no problem with that cause he is constantly looking for another supply and I don’t care, just want him to leave.

Bonie says June 16, 2018

I was married to a religious (Catholic) narcissist 34 years. I left due to his obsessive gas lighting and risk to my safety. He was escalating, and with my adult children’s understanding left. The parish’s support for me was a big zero! Like I did the worse thing ever. I divorced and after two years, something triggered my feelings for missing my ex-husband. The anxiety fluctuates from low to thinking I need meds. I had been released by my therapist from twice a week to once a week sessions. Needless to say, I joined groups for hikes to restaurants, plays. I practice my Faith, and learn about narcissism. My trouble is that I recognize I am suffering from PTSD after I was enjoying my recovery. I am aware of the emergent cognitive dissonance I am going through. How can I miss someone who had for years been so wicked? My battles are daily, and I will need to look for support groups and another therapist that specializes on narc PTSD clients.. I had considered I am making plans to move to a new place. I also applied for a job transfer in another state and even a foreign country. I just refuse to become addicted to my ex. I want to move from survivor to being my own hero.

Ian Fullerton says April 6, 2018

I must say you have gotten me though a lot of Heartache these last few Months

Carol says April 6, 2018

I know exactly mine used to berate waiters and waitresses to get his meal free and only have to pay for mine!???????????????

Carol says April 6, 2018

Agreed Shirley I’m sooooo done with my ex Narc, never again. He was having affairs right inside our family home while I went to work overnight to help pay the bills our kids were getting older. My son caught him I was devastated. I’m 16 months now no contact it’s a SLOW process but I’m determined. All of you are amazing!?

Kerry Radloff says April 5, 2018

HI Kim – thank you so much for these letter you write – they’re so useful and I look forward to receiving them in my inbox…

So much of what you say fits….my specific narcissists are my mother and my brother (2 years younger than I am – I’m 54)…and where my mother has begun to slip her gears and is becoming frail and seems, apparently, to suddenly think she can now start giving me recognition / praise / whatever after over half a century of her abuse (and she’s doing it because she IS frail and she does need me……yes, yes, I know. 🙂 I can hear your response… 🙂 ) – and where she is growing frail, my brother – a very seriously horribly wealthy man (not that that’s an excuse for his behaviour tho he thinks it is evidently) has taken over where she has left off…..and I am REALLY battling.
Can you point me to specific stuff you may have with regards mothers / brothers / siblings (have another brother – 12 years younger – with whom I have not spoken in over 3 years – as a result of the machinations of other brother…….)
I would be most grateful.
And thank you so very much again
kind regards

Pat says April 5, 2018

I went no contact 19 months ago. Since that time I have been working through traumas as they come up, sometimes over and over. My mom(deceased) was a narc and I have had 4 long term abusive relationships. I lost just about everything this last time. I know I have a long road ahead of me and am determined to rebuild again. It is truly a rollercoaster. Is it normal to have bouts of extremely intense anger/rage? I isolate when I feel it coming on. Usually last one to two days then I am exhausted. Am I missing something you can point out.
Thanks for all the help.

    Kim Saeed says April 5, 2018

    Hi Pat,

    I would like to offer an answer for you, but you didn’t mention what kind of therapy, if any, you have tried. If you haven’t been to a trauma specialist or participated in any healing programs, then it’s fairly safe to assume that healing may be a long road for you, if it happens at all. I’ve had the great honor to work with a few brilliant neuropsychologists lately and they all agree that healing from emotional trauma cannot be done alone or in isolation.

    If you have tried therapeutic modalities and they haven’t worked for you, it’s a good idea to try something/someone else.

    As for healing programs, I offer one that can help you along your journey. Here’s the link if you’d like to check it out:

    The Essential Break Free Bootcamp

    Wishing you the best!


Shirley Akpelu says April 5, 2018

Hell no to the narc.
We had a second chance already.
That was before I knew about narcissism.
I am healing and recovering now.
Thanks Kim for this Avenue for support and to vent.

Lost soul says March 29, 2018

I m hurt, I m dead inside. I have been with this narcissist man for over one year now. From a loving person he became the devil itself. I m not allowed to have conversation with him, because I m too low and dumb for his majesty. Whenever I bring a topic, its either not valued, disregarded directly, avoided, or not interesting. Only conversation that you ll get a response, is about money, gambling and him wining the lottery and buying his private jet. He barely work and takes opioids for an extended period of time then switch to Xanax. He creates a fight and disappears sometimes for days in a row, throwing a silent treatment bc I do not deserve him and that he keeps giving me chances to make it right and please him more. He constantly puts me down, calling me names, he makes and demands to make disgusting sexual video if not executed he threaten to leave me. When we go out in restaurant or bar, he tries to speak anybody surrounding us . Never a compliment. I should feel lucky that he is actually dating me, bc I m too old and ugly and nobody would want me. I ve tried to reach his family for the drug issue, nobody cared nor tried to help me. He turned me into a crazy person. Now from shouting at him on his cruel moments, I ended up hitting him and he has hit me back. Things escalated that almost everyday we fights. He used to call me for hours now, either he doesn’t call or if so he will call 30 second and find any excuses to end the conversation whether I have finish explaining something or not, so in that case, he will call me names, or telling me i m annoying and hang up the phone . So much easier and faster right! Never ever received a good morning text, or good night . I feel that i m only his sexual supply and that he has never loved me. He let me down all the time, even being taken to the hospital, i have called and texted all day, to only received a reply the next day, that i faked going to the hospital . I m drained, i m ugly, i look nothing like the woman i used to be. Last night he left my house after a fight, he removed the only picture of us on social media, then he blocked me. So i guess this time its really over and the worst is i feel sad and i don’t want it to be over! Its like i still believe he can change. We were so closed to move in tgt. All my love and dreams are crushed

    Catherine Sowers says April 5, 2018

    I know it’s hard, so sorry you are going through this.. But please try to build yourself and walk away. It hurts, even more to stay with someone who is making your life a disaster. You are beautiful, you are special but you have to know it.Don’t let him take anymore of your life every day is a gift, But we have to choose to live and smile, Pain is not love ..being put down is not love, being call ungly names is not love.. Love builds up.. And I know it’s not easy I have been there but I made a decision to live. Remember it is a choice to keep being hurt, and live in pain.. ❤

    Emm says September 26, 2021

    Every single thing you said, except the winning the lottery is what I have lived with for four years. I am now at the point I just want him to leave but he has nobody in his life but me and I still feel sorry for him. He has been violent and I have been his emotional punching bag for 3 1/2 years after the new wore off and he had me hooked. If I can give you any advice, be so glad he is gone (hopefully he really is) because someday down the road you’ll be wishing he was gone like I do now. I promise you. Stay strong and know you are worth so much more than you think! Stay away, stay away

Christine says March 24, 2018

I’m in a relationship with a narcissist. He constantly puts me down and then tells me it’s my fault for being “too sensitive”. When I try to tell him that I don’t like the name calling, he goes “I don’t have the energy for your emotional bullshit”.
He threatened to leave if I didn’t take out a $14000 loan for him. I could’ve bought him a cheaper car that is actually registered and ready to drive and not had to take out a loan, but no, he insisted that it must be a 30 year old sports car that isn’t even registered and needs repairs.

He always compares me to his exes saying that they were not “needy, insecure and jealous like me”. He is the reason I’m insecure. He is constantly reminding me about all the women who are chasing him and he flirts with other women right in front of me.

Today, I’m laying on my bedroom floor in tears as he’s giving me the silent treatment after I asked him to treat me more respectfully. Before he cut me off today, he told me I have issues and he is not going to be apart of it.

I feel like worthless and I just want to curl up and die.

    Kim Saeed says March 24, 2018


    This is parallel to what I experienced.

    You should use this silent treatment as the first day of your healed life. Block him from being able to come back to you, delete him from your life, heal…and move on.


moggs says January 24, 2018

Why would a narcissist get so many people to verbally harass me, making me feel extreme anger and hatred of humans?

    Kim Saeed says January 27, 2018

    Well, moggs, I hate to seem cliche, but that’s just what many of them do. But, try not to hate everyone. Just close the door on anyone who makes you feel less-than. No need to defend or justify…simply walk away and don’t leave them with access to approach you.

    Kim XoXo

Sandra says January 6, 2018

I was finally able to get a restraining order for a year. This is what finally had to force me to go no contact. It was issued in June of 2017 so it’s been 7 months but it feels like it’s only been 2 months, it went by fast. I have gone through rape, stalking, finding recording devices in the house after he left and having my son record himself asking me if I still loved his father. During the temporary order (which was issued on his birthday) he desperately tried to love bomb me because he did not want a restraining order( he is a family law lawyer) and he did not want it to effect him. On October 30th, he ended up getting suspended for a year with another matter surfacing that will probably get him disbarred. Of course he blames me for his suspension and has a lot of hatred towards me because of the restraining order and the temporary order issued on his birthday.

This is a 22 year marriage in total 25 years. I have 2 children with him, a son 11 and daughter 9. He of course has totally devalued my existence to them and he has repeatedly been told by the children’s therapist and their GAL to stop, he does but only long enough to throw them off. The visitation is currently 60/40 with me having more of the time. I have remained silent while he goes on and on about me, he never stops and both of the children have told me that he hates my guts and blames me for everything. My daughter told me that all he ever talks about is me and no one else.

He has moved on, actually 6 days after the temporary restraining order was issued he signed on to and other dating sites. There is apparently new supply and he talks about me to her too. I have chosen to wait on dating because I still feel vulnerable and we are still in the divorce process. I want some time to see myself and who I am. I was with this man for 25 years and I’m amazed that he didn’t destroy me. Normal married couples usually adapt to each others behaviors, they mimic each other because they have bonded. I never had that with my husband and I guess that’s a good thing because I would probably be a shell of my former self. I think most of us end up missing something we never really had. The only thing that was ever good in my marriage was the sex and sadly I think that’s the only reason we stayed together, even now I miss it. I do have 3 questions I hope you will answer.

#1 The family court is not going to give me full custody because it’s about parents rights not the well being of the children so he will have access to them. The children know he lies but he continues on his campaign to destroy my relationship with them. Since I can’t control his behavior I have to remain silent about him and stay positive, is this really going to keep him from turning my children against me?

#2 How long will the new supply put up with him talking about me? Will she eventually get exhausted and walk away? And will he be looking for my characteristics in her?

#3 Because he had control over me for 25 years, what reaction am I going to receive when he finds out I have a new boyfriend?

At the current moment, and probably for the rest of my life, I am nothing but a piece of shit. Because he now has a new supply he does not care that there is no contact. His mother just died, I was nice and messaged (sorry about your mom) only because he told my kids that I don’t have compassion, his response was, Received. He is about to receive an inheritance, he has new supply and he has 40% custody. It’s really hard not to look over there and see that the grass is greener on his side. Even though I know he’s lying to the new supply and I know all he’s doing is bombing her, it’s still hard to accept. I have to admit that apart me wants to be with him just to see whats actually going on. This quickly subsides when I remember everything he did to me.

Too ashamed to tell my name says December 12, 2017

I’ve been in love with my narc for 10 years. I’ve loved, begged, chased, cried, suppressed my own feelings, laughed harder, made sure I was pretty and fun…I’ve done everything over thr last 10 years to be good enough, better or worthy of his love amd affection. Even bare naked down to my soul in tears doesn’t move or motivate him to treat and love me the way I desire. He says he loves me, but NOTHING about his actions, on a consistent basis, jives with those empty words that I have clung to all these years. Its embarrassing, so there are few friends I can share my story with. One of my girlfirends asked if I’m a masochist. Had to givd that some thought…why else would I allow myself such abuse and for so long?! Christmas 2016 was the worst. He went ghost and fell into a depression that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I laid in a fetal position, unable to get out of bed, crying and wishing I were dead…for days! Not suicidal, but definitely ok if the next day didn’t come. It was Michael Jackson BAD! I tried no contact for a few weeks, but ended up convincing him that we belong together and got him to go another round. The only way to describe it is addiction. I felt like a junkie…unable to function without it. Like, you know its bad for you amd you don’t want to use, but if you don’t, you can’t function. Its awful. Its been awful. This year, right at this moment, nothing is going on, but I waiting for him to present me with some f*ckery. Im angry about how he treated me last year and Im angry with myself for being so weak and useless. Im having problems being submissive to him right now and Ive seen less of him because Im angry for how he treated me and how he explains that I spearheaded the way he treated me. Like, I asked to be rejected and bought it on myself. He can’t even hear me express how devastated I was and extend an apology. It was my fault. And this year, I’m having a hard time being around him and/or forgiving that fact that he left me for dead (emotionally) last year.

Karl Bradley binning says August 10, 2017

Your so right on everything you say about theses evil people. Iam Is sitting here right now trying to figure out how to get the strength just to keep going. She’s trashed me her and her queen bee step mom. They do nothing but I am a good man but I’ve been in jail for 136 days now I’m out in probation but can’t seam to keep myself together very good and can’t get everything done Ian suppose to for probation. My kids arnt looking very good from what I see in pictures on Facebook I love them but I can’t protect them or myself Iam almost ready to give up the world is set up to help wemon not men. Wall they do is lie and hurt everyone even there own kids. Family is all I ever wanted and she destroyed it for no reason my poor kids are dumed I feel so bad my life is fallen apart everyday and no one understands.

Monica sand says July 4, 2017

Insane and more. I live in this crazy world after divorce got back to fl after i had relocated to ny with written consent.

lauren says July 1, 2017

I have spent the last 4 yrs. dealing with a narcissist. He swooped in and tried to use the generous ploy when I was going thru financial difficulties to assisting with loans. I fell for it at first, but as time went on, I saw this man had no empathy or compassion about anything or anyone. It was ALWAYS about him. He can never take accountability for anything he’s done wrong, and the level of lies to cover it is astonishing. Even when confronted with his lies with proof, he still would deny he was a liar. He trapped me into massive debt and always played the “you owe me” card that he was the only one I could count on. He screwed with my mind, and now I hardly feel anything about myself anymore. I used to be at the top of my career and now feel like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. It is a vicious cycle and very difficult to break. I have attended several therapy sessions that helped me realize just how sick he is and that I have every right to feel like I do which is broken. I fight every day to get back up and believe in myself again, and it’s not easy. To anyone dealing with someone who has this syndrome, run as fast as possible and don’t look back. Once narcissists reel you in, you’re like a fish on a hook headed for death.

5 Ways to Ignore Father’s Day Fantasies and Maintain Modified Contact - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says June 16, 2017

[…] can we begin the work of healing and banishing self-sabotaging behaviors.  Unfortunately, due to the traumatic nature of narcissistic abuse, many targets get stuck in repetition compulsion rather than exiting the relationship and moving on […]

Anonymous says March 4, 2017

Workplace NPD . I worked for a NPD
supervisor. After months of ptsd from the previous boss it was only then that I began to realize that something was off with the new boss.

After a few months of my head literally spinning non stop – I was confused, stopped attending mass, I avoided my family, I worked out everyday, and was an emotional mess. It was then that I met my saving grace; a psychotherapist in passing. I described occurrences re this new boss and that is when I was told I was working for a narcissist.

I researched the heck out of. I began to apply
text book survival for the most part. It was so text book it was scary. Every tactic or action by the NPD came to fruition. Another saving grace is that I have the support of management who is over the NPD.

After two years if this abuse I was recently re-assigned, by upper management, along with a few others in my group, by their decision. God’s intervention. I hung in their with her because I knew I would pay for it if asked to leave, it would have to be on her terms. Well, it was on neither of our terms.

It has only been about two weeks. I’ve prepared to apply for a promotion. I learned, of course, invaluable leadership skills from her but I paid the price along the way.

Once I figured out the game plan I continued to feed her ego which carried me the end.
I desperately need to heal. I am on a different floor and she has come, by that I know of twice, I was able to avoid her.

I am frightened of when I do run into her. As I saw her from the back side, when I did avoid her, I stopped dead in my tracks and my heart sank; I turned around a left. It truly took me back what impact the sight if her had on me. What really bothers me is when I did not know what I was dealing with I did not set boundaries and when I did she still violated them, and I allowed it. She had a sexual overtone with me but was more flirtatious. Played games re texts, would rub my hair and hold my hand.

I made a lot of mistakes at the start BUT I documented the most important ones. I could have easily reported her to HR but I did not. My long term goal was to not ruin my career.

I moved @ two weeks from her to leave on my terms prior to the official move date. Then I make stupid move to “justify” the goodbye; I write her an ego letter to stay my “final” goodbye. To me it was healing but the reply was short and sweet, “nothing has changed”. I was a wreck, I left work early, I was crying, confused, and depressed. An onslaught of all my emotions.

I wished I would have found You sooner because God knows I have researched the heck out of this topic. I need to heal but how
when I still work with this person.

I found you by looking up how to heal…and come across your message to STOP it and move on in order to heal.

I am not her supply right now and I have avoided her and I kinda know I may fall for her games when she does come back around.

Anonymous says February 25, 2017

Reading your articles I get anxiety an a lil bit afraid of what the next one will say. I’ve been living that life for years an saying a lot of the things I am now reading . I always feel like anytime I start to be successful or turn my life in the rite direction he throws a wrench in an always seems like anytime he an would start talking an actually getting along for a extended amount of time ( few weeks good for us) I would feel good an all sudden he would get mad over nothing an end it.
I am now seriously trying to recover an make my own life better for myself an my kids. Its been 4 weeks successful an I can honestly see positive results in my life although I am scared of him destroying or trying to destroy me an how I feel an I’m heading in rite direction finally. Only taken ,6 years ( since I .moved out) for me to realize an see that I wasn’t crazy the whole time. I want to get better but I feel like I have so many emotional issues I am gonna carry around for the rest of my life.

    Kim Saeed says February 26, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    Thank you for stopping by. While there are many articles on the site about narcissists and their behaviors, there are also many about healing and moving forward…several of which have been posted recently. I invite you to spend some time exploring the site as you’ll find many articles related to healing and recovery.



D Smith says January 17, 2017

I have been married to one of these emotional vampires for 5 years and we have 2 kids. We had been drifting apart for a couple of months, and I was really missing him. I wrote him a love letter to tell him how I still loved him very much and wanted to reconnect. I got no response at first, and then he said he wanted to wait to talk till after the weekend. We sat down on a Monday night (Oct. 4th) and with our 4 year old daughter in his lap, he tells me he no longer has feelings for me and thinks we should call it quits. All the while, tickling and playing with her. I was devastated to say the least and dumbfounded that he would use our child as a shield! I had to leave the room to prevent her from seeing me fall apart. When I had regained some of my control, I returned to my spot on the sofa where he continued to basically tell me what a disappointment I was to him. I shut him down and let him know I’d had enough. The next morning I asked him if he wanted to try to fix our marriage. I have no desire to go back was the response I got back. 5 years, two kids, and my life was what he stole from me, and now he’s controlling how much I get my children. He has kept most of their clothing at his house because he sees no reason to split them evenly when I’ll only have them a couple of days a week.

    Kim Saeed says February 27, 2017

    Thank you for sharing, D. I am sorry for what you are going through as it’s definitely harder when children are involved. Speaking of which…I don’t know anything about your custody or financial situation, but if you suspect this guy is a narcissist, your children would be better off with your having primary custody instead of the other way around. Reason being is that children who grow up under a narcissist’s care typically grow up to develop either narcissistic or codependent traits. They need the non-narcissist parent as a role model and to provide an emotional buffer. In spite of how great a parent they may pretend to be, their abuse does not stop with their children.

      Anonymous says April 23, 2018

      How does one help an adult child who is involved with a narcissist and has children with him?

        Kim Saeed says April 30, 2018

        Hi Anon,

        It’s definitely a difficult situation because until she has the desire to leave herself, there’s not much that can be done. However, do keep an eye open for signs of abuse to the children, and if necessary, report the abuse to CPS. Your daughter can decide what to do and she’s an adult, but her children need someone on their side.

    Lost says February 27, 2017

    I am going through the exact same thing. My ex took me to court and now has full custody of my daughter and can control when I see her. He keeps taking me back to court. I don’t know how much more I can take.

      My Own Hero says December 1, 2019

      My ex Tricked me into Letting my children visit him, then Refused to Let Me See Them, for the rest of Their Childhood, 10 years! Even though we separated, because He was physically Abusing Me, and started Mentally Abusing our kids (the kids were the last straw). He Perjured himself Completely, in Court, in some obscure County. Claiming I Abandoned Them, and he had no idea Where I could Possibly be.(while he kept calling me at my mom’s to yell at me, “You Have NOTHING!!!”) And right after He Won Child Custody by Default, He filed for Child Support, and knew exactly where to send That summons. I had a little faith in the Court System, to finally get the truth, but to evail. So I had to avoid court hearings, while looking for a job. Got put in jail twice, spent 7 days in jail, total. And Paid Child Support, all that time, hoping at least to help my kids. And I was never allowed once, to Visit. The Lawyers I talked to, didn’t want anything to do with Any of this Mess. And I couldn’t see much good coming out of Him going to jail, for withholding visitation. Especially when he got out! But all of this was 20 years ago. When they didn’t even have Mandatory Anger Management, for Abusers! So I think You Need to Gather All of Your Documentation, Keep a Diary, if nothing else. Get a Lawyer Pro Bono, if you can. But even if you can’t, I think YOU should take HIM to Court, (straighten yourself out, if he’s driven you into a drug addiction, like my ex did. And I straightened myself out in time for court too, but was unable to find out which County, Courthouse He Tricked) and You should File for your Rights to Some Kind of Custody, Where He Isn’t GIVEN Complete Control Over YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER (who is just a pawn, to him, to hurt You with). And You Should even Ask that He be put through Psycho Analysis. And maybe, by now, they have Post Traumatic Stress Counseling, to help You, find your way, out from the Hell you’ve been in. And the Judge can decide, what needs to be done, to Make Things Right, for Your Daughter. I KNOW You feel Beaten Down, and EXHAUSTED. But you’re still Alive, and ANYTHING you do or say, to stand up for yourself, and your girl, and The TRUTH, will Help You to Gain Back Your Soul! He’s most likely, been Blaming You for All of His Guilt. But you’ve probably made 2 Honest Human Mistakes, out of His 150 Inhumane Cruelties that He’s Committed with Ill Intent. So quit Feeling So Ashamed, for HIM. It’s Not Even Your Fault! But you probably Need to stand up, and insist that He can’t be Allowed to keep Victimizing You. And you might want a restraining order, to enforce the Judges orders. But don’t opt out, for lack of Funds! Ask the Judge to Make Him Fully Responsible for All Court Costs, And Lawyers Fees. And He can Pay You Child Support, Since HE’s made Your Life so Hard, for So Long. I know you’ve been Knocked Down, over and over, and over. And I Know You Don’t Wanta Fight Anymore, but if you can get back up, one more time, and then go an unexpected Giant Step Further…and Surprise Him by showing up, Clean and Clear minded, and Armed with the Truth. At the Least, the Judge can modify the order, so HE’S not allowed to be the Master, in Control, Over You. So You can Gain some Strength, enough to start Healing. Good Luck, and May Goodness Prevail!

John Trujillo says January 11, 2017

Wow I am soooo glad my brother was with one of these hearless souless people. He finally left her after her bringing him down to nothing. He started looking into Narscassim and learning a lot. We spoke about his many many arguments with his ex and what she would say and do. One of them is “this discussion is over”. I realized that my girlfriend of almost 3 years says the same thing. Of course there are many more things like constantly breaking up and how everything was my fault. If I’d only done this and only done that BS. I was almost 170lbs and now down to 130lbs. Sooo much stress smh. They NEVER lose sleep or worry about the relationship. Only what you don’t do for them. Finally my girlfriend and a buddy of mine went out this New Years. She talked to him openly about sex and things I won’t mention. That night I took care of her being that she was drunk. The next morning she asked if I was happy. I told her that I wasn’t happy at all. After I spoke to her about how someone who loves someone will be there through thick and thin. Of course, she didn’t hear a word. I also let her know that she doesn’t love me and NEVER will, she will never love anyone. She started packing and I walked away and let her. She is now my ex and will never enter my life again. I blocked her from all means of communication. I will rebuild and never let anyone in my life like that again.

Anonymous says December 26, 2016

I left the narcicist that I was dating after an attempted attempted suicide and untold amounts of abuse. and The only thing that helped me get over that “souless creatures” was a trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina…obsession gone!!!

Sarah Greene says December 8, 2016

Thank you! I was a “target” for almost 6 years, but with all the Houdini acts the actual time is half that. The only time I really fell in love for the first time, and his name was ironically appropriate “Rob” and he attempted to murder my soul. I used terms like: backup girl, Houdini,007,jekyl & Hyde,hit & run. He broke up right before every holiday,my birthdays I spent alone. I could barely function and I was strong but he just about broke me. I went back 50 times. I was blamed. But worse was no one ever challenged him. He convinced everyone I was crazy. I’m so glad he is a high school dropout no potential for ever running for any political office with that kind of power. Is been the biggest struggle of my life and I thought I had lived challenging life growing up my mother left me when I was 3 I was raised by a terrible alcoholic father. But this was by far the worst thing I’ve ever lived through and only by the grace of God and my perseverance not to give up on myself now and the love of my son that I am here today. I had no idea there was a name or a syndrome or support for being exposed to this kind of person I spend days reading everything I could read about this it’s given me strength to know I’m not alone. I was so embarrassed alone and nobody seemed to care or understand the depth of Despair this man put me through and I refuse to accept responsibility because all I ever did was love him. Now that I can sit back and reflect I’m so proud of myself I did it I survived and I am stronger than ever and I’m glad that I opened my heart and was not bitter and I’m still not bitter. But make no mistake I am far smarter and this will not ever happen to me again. Thanks to everyone that is posted information about the narcissist end of Psycho narcissist of which was my experience but once I found out there was a label it saved my life and that’s my intention is to spread the word about these men and women who destroy people’s lives and thanks to all of you who were apart of saving mine. I truly believe there needs to be support groups just like they have for everything else this is an epidemic. And I truly believe we need to get this message to the younger girls and boys when they are young so they will know what they need to look for to avoid this life changing I’m not trying to be too traumatic devastating chain of events that could lead to suicide terrible medical conditions which I suffered. I don’t seek revenge I seek knowledge and this is where knowledge is power and it empowers me.

Grace says December 6, 2016

Thank you Kim for this website. Your story and advice has help me through a divorce with a narcissist. I am much better than I was years ago. My ex-narc has remarried and from what I understand now putting the new wife through the devalue phase. They really don’t change.
I’ve since met someone. It’s been a year in the relationship. I feel spiritually connected with him. We care about each other. Some of his ways concern me. At times, he won’t communicate. I don’t feel he has narcissistic ways but I don’t understand why he just shuts down. Maybe I am overeacting from my past? I appreciate any advice.

Salena says December 2, 2016

I feel like I’m drowning, after almost 2 years I still find every day hard !!! I can’t even explain to you, because there are no words, I feel dead inside after years of being abused by him, all I can do is take one day at a time and only hope I can recover and hopefully be happy again, but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I once was !!!

    John Trujillo says January 12, 2017

    Hang in there Selena. They go after good people like us. We won’t be the people we once were because we learned of these heartless ones. Sad for them because they will never feel the love like we do. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Fortunately it’s been since morning of Jan 1st and I blocked her from everything she can contact me from. So you’re not alone. We have to rebuild ourselves, which makes us stronger. Stay positive and everytime you think of the bad past, change that channel like you do with your tv. It is not easy but keep on working on it. What helps me is keeping busy bumming with my kids and family. I wish you the best and never give up!!!

Xterminate says December 1, 2016

I am back at square one, but I know I can do this. Went no contact for 2 1/2 years and one day I got a text thibking I was strong enough to respond.

Said everything I wanted to hear. That he was different and knew what he needed to do to make things right this time.
He was married now with a kid, but he always wanted me and was going to leave her after the holidays… she left him before he got the chance to leave her and the tables turned. He then was no longer lovebombing me and all the sudden he loves his wife and kids and wants to work things out with them

I have read that you would become the other woman if you went back I guess I just wanted to believe he was the exception. The sad thing is I left him and had my dignity and now I experienced the one thing I was trying to avoid

It is all just a game. I know he doesn’t love her nor has he ever loved me. It is something I just need to learn to accept.

Tammy says November 29, 2016

Feeling stuck!!!

Lcherie says November 29, 2016

Only we understand this type of human. They’re unreal

    Funnerthan says December 4, 2016

    Yes, most people would never understand. However, the operative word is “most”. In reality, once you begin studying the dynamic fellow and former sufferers seem to start showing up. I’ve even learned to identify a couple people stuck in the cycle who are not ready to address their reality. I get to plant the seed of truth and then leave them to their own. The term “keep toxic people out of your life” resonates stronger and stronger with progress and education!

    Kristin says December 17, 2016

    They’re from hell. Soulless. I can’t imagine what they must’ve gone through growing up to become the way they are… Mine was also a heroin addict…which is an extremely narcissistic drug to do in itself. So it was like an EXTREME NPD who was addicted to shooting up narcissism. I’m still trying to escape his gravity.

Trish says November 28, 2016

Kim your comments are the truth – they will do anything. Continue to change the rules/game only to gas light you then go silent. The damage to our souls feels irreparable and has a long dark soul searching journey.

Even after 2 years of no contact. Some days the anxiety monster of not feeling safe raises it’s ugly head. But the anxiety monster, other self doubt and destruction are far and few between. The wisdom, insight, self love and internal light is now and continues to grow stronger and brighter.


    Anonymous says November 29, 2016

    Amen Trish we just have to keep our heads held high as we know “we are survivors”.

    Anonymous says November 29, 2016

    You said it all!! I wonder if they’re even human??

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