Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Personal Growth
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trauma bonding

Breaking the Deceptive and Toxic Cycle of Trauma Bonding

When people think of unconditional love, they tend to imagine positive images of nurturing mothers or life-long friends. In these situations, the relationships have a healthy bond based on qualities like trust, loyalty, and most of all: compassion for each other.

But not all unconditional love formed through bonding is healthy – when a narcissist is involved, this unconditional love becomes destructive and toxic.

Why do people stay in abusive relationships with narcissists?

Why can’t you just leave?

A big part of the answer lies in trauma bonding: forming an unconditional love you don’t share with anyone else on the planet.

This is the chain keeping you from going “No Contact.”

It’s not your fault and there’s nothing wrong with you, but you can take control of the situation. Here’s how traumatic bonding works and how to break the chain for good.

Intermittent Reinforcement

Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships with Narcissists?

It’s easy to identify trauma bonding when you’re on the outside looking in.

“Tell your abusive mother you don’t need her anymore,” you yell at the TV character. “Get over him and find someone who appreciates you,” you say about the protagonist in the movie.

We watch physical abuse from the sidelines and ask ourselves “why do people stay in abusive relationships” even while we are in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships with narcissists ourselves.

We believe that no matter how toxic the relationship becomes, we cannot leave because we have already formed a special bond with this person. In many cases, this bond feels so intense that relations with other people – even close friends – pale in comparison.

It’s very scary to watch a friend or loved one experience traumatic bonding because the level of vulnerability and possibility for danger is so high.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Narcissists thrive on fights for a few reasons. For one, you’re providing the narcissist with undivided attention, emotional capacity, and energy – all of which feeds their addiction.

But the psychological effects go deeper than that. Although the narcissist may not objectively realize it, they instinctively know that fighting actually brings you two closer together.

This is known as “trauma bonding.”

Now, traumatic bonding isn’t necessarily toxic.

Let’s say you and a friend experienced a traumatic event together – such as another friend passing or suffering a chronic illness. You all come out of that hardship with a stronger bond, right?

For the narcissist, however, trauma is just another tool in the shed for furthering their toxic agenda of keeping you hooked – biologically and mentally.

The Difference Between Trauma Bonding and Love Addiction

Love addiction and traumatic bonding occur simultaneously so often that most people can’t pick them apart.

People with a love addiction crave an emotional bond so badly they’re willing to put up with extreme abuse and unhealthy situations – even for a meager payoff.

Just like a person suffering from substance abuse, a person suffering from a love addiction ignores personal boundaries they’ve set for other people. They might manufacture situations to gain attention from the abuser, feel needy and desperate, and put up with anything to avoid loneliness.

You can share a traumatic bond with someone without feeling compelled to put up with their abuse. Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Love addiction plays another large part.

How Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps You Hooked

Intermittent reinforcement is another dangerous tool the narcissist uses to exploit your love addiction and cement traumatic bonding.

Studies show that when people receive a reward at consistent intervals, they start to expect the reward and work less intensively. If people don’t know when a reward will pop up, they tend to work harder than they would (or should) in hopes of receiving a reward.

Even in healthy relationships, people start to take each other for granted due to consistent reinforcement. In these cases, people communicate their feelings and work together to improve the situation.

But a narcissist does not process feelings and emotions the same way. A narcissist uses your feelings of inadequacy, desperation, and worthlessness as an opportunity to hold their own affection hostage. It’s the carrot and stick approach.

You confront the narcissist for hurting you. They ignore your feelings. By the end of the argument, you’re apologizing to them. Then, for a fleeting moment, they also apologize and tell you how much they value you.

That’s your reward and it’s completely void of any actual intention or real emotion – don’t buy it for a second.

Traumatic Bonding is the Chain Keeping You Linked to the Narcissist

The narcissist thrives on your need for approval and love while manufacturing traumatic situations to enforce bonding.

In healthy relationships, people bond with each other through positive experiences. But the narcissist is different. To them, emotions exist to manipulate and control others.

That breaking point where the narcissist finally changes will never happen because they honestly believe they are in the right. That’s why psychological experts admit that it’s almost impossible for narcissists to change – even through comprehensive therapy.

Keep in mind: these concepts of intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding, and love addiction take many forms and many narcissists will enter your life. Imagine a mother-in-law or mother you can never seem to please no matter how hard you try. Think of a boss dangling a raise over your head.

Stockholm SyndromeStockholm Syndrome

How Trauma Bonding Skews Your Sense of Normal Intimacy

When you’re relying on traumatic bonding to maintain a relationship with a narcissist, it changes how you perceive normal intimacy.

You’ve probably opened yourself up to the narcissist more than you have to anyone else in your life. We tell the narcissist things we’ve never said to anyone. We kick boundaries to the curb. We make ourselves completely vulnerable and call it bonding.

It’s pretty intense and in the beginning, it feels really good.

Letting someone go through your phone feels like building trust.

Who cares if your friends say it’s a toxic behavior? Your relationship with the narcissist feels so connected that you’ll never share that intimacy with anyone else.

No one understands.

Much like a person newly sober, other relationships and experiences seem boring because they lack such a deep intimacy and excitement.

But this is a false intimacy.

10 Signs You’re Suffering Traumatic Bonding with a Narcissist

A co-dependency formed through trauma bonding can become extremely dangerous – both physically and physiologically – when a narcissist is involved.  Trauma bonding is basically Stockholm Syndrome inside of a relationship with someone you know and care for.

It’s already very difficult to leave relationships when we’ve formed a strong bond with someone. Keep an eye out for these signs.

  1. You have trouble relating to other people – even long-time friends or friendly coworkers.
  2. You constantly feel burned out.
  3. You routinely check each other’s phones and pick fights over small things.
  4. You’re afraid that you’ve exposed too much of yourself to the narcissist.
  5. You think that your relationship with the narcissist is misunderstood by friends and family.
  6. You feel like nothing you do or say is enough to please the narcissist.
  7. You prioritize responding to the narcissist’s texts over work, eating, or other important activities.
  8. You’re convinced you’ll never have such a deep relationship with anyone else.
  9. When you try to leave, you are tormented by such longing to get back with your partner you feel it might destroy you.
  10. You know this person will cause you more pain, yet you constantly give them the benefit of the doubt and expect them to follow through on their promises, even though they never do.

Recovering from Trauma Bonding

Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Why are you so drawn to people who seem physically incapable of providing love and genuine affection?

There’s no broad-brush reason here: I’d have to type a different answer for everyone reading this post. In order to figure out why you’re using trauma bonding as a crutch, you need to examine your own disposition.

How have you been conditioned over the years to form relationships? How have you been conditioned to bond with people and express intimacy?

Not to get too Freudian, but think back to your childhood and how you learned to receive love or approval from parents or family members.

It takes quite a bit of self-reflection and isn’t easy to do without some third-party perspective from a therapist, counselor, or qualified mentor. Although friends are great (and necessary), their support and advice are still subjective.

As humans, we seek out situations and experiences that feel familiar.

After all, change is scary and uncomfortable. This also means that we’re more likely to find ourselves in toxic relationships (especially if abuse feels familiar) and less likely to leave the relationship once we’re in it.

Breaking Free is the Only Answer

Although you’ve formed a trauma bond – possibly over the course of many years – with a narcissist, No Contact is the only solution.

Much like kicking a drug, you can’t recover from trauma bonding and narcissistic abuse with the narcissist remaining in your life. At the same time, like substance abuse recovery, love addiction recovery and breaking your bond with the narcissist require healthy support structures, inflection, and planning.

But you can rid yourself of the abuse.

You can and will form healthy and meaningful relationships with other people. And you’ll come out stronger and happier than you ever thought possible.Break the Trauma Bond

Leave a Comment:

12 comments
Loss of Identity: Examples of Perspecticide from Narcissistic Abuse - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says August 15, 2018

[…] Trauma Bonding: Rollercoasters of chronic fighting (you’re always the bad guy, of course) and fleeting moments of artificial compassion to solidify a bond based on trauma. Other than responsibilities like children and bills, these brief moments of seeming love are what keep you from leaving. […]

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Grant Vincent says August 11, 2018

I’ve been thru this and starting to get better but it’s taken a year of strict o contact and some study.

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6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says July 31, 2018

[…] If you constantly wonder about the status of your relationship, ruminate about what you could do differently, believe the problems in your relationship are all your fault, constantly obsess about what your partner is up to, experience mood swings, are constantly fearful and anxious, and/or feel like less of a person than before you met your partner, these are the signs of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and you have been the victim of emotional abuse and are experiencing the effects of deep trauma bonds.   […]

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Monika Becker says July 19, 2018

It is all so very very true and the road out of denial the rockiest and most painfull one i ever had to walk ….. Education is the key to open the first lock!! Knowledge is and gives power!

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Shirley Akpelu says July 16, 2018

I appreciate your help and insight Kim. I am learning from my past mistakes. I want to move forward and become a better person. I deserve genuine love and affection not a pretending wolf in sheep clothing.

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StellA says July 15, 2018

Hi Kim,
My trauma bonding was so horrific I didn’t realise how it effected my children.
Kim one of my children as much as I try to never compare them to my perpetrator they have a lot of traits similar.
I love my child but now they are 16 it shows more of the common narcissistic ways.
I feel failure and guilty as they are only like that due to their environment.
How do I deal with this because escaped g is one hurdle but the aftermath is deep and lasting.
My child effects all dynamics in the house with his siblings but always acts like a victim or is blatant to you with no remorse.
Sometimes I think maybe I deserve this or wonder am I the narcissistic but cannot see my faults.I take one step forward and two steps back emotionally.
Please could you advice.
Thank you for all your posts it’s the only thing what keeps me sane at times.

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Rachel Mcnary says July 15, 2018

This came at the most perfect time for me. I’ve been in no contact with my narcissist since my birthday. How ironic right? Happy birthday to me! He started raging at me over nothing.I literally changed my ticket (we were in Las Vegas)flew home I left without another word. For me it was very abusive things he said to me and awful things about my sick father. I was done. No contact completely on my end -however he had my parents address and started writing me letters apologizing a little bit but mostly blaming me. How I was stressed ,I did this I did that-and every letter he wrote all of a sudden he’s getting nicer and nicer. I moved about 400 miles away from my parents and he finally found out through somebody else. To me that shows I’m moving on. But my long winded question is does the trauma bonding eventually break? I go every day with being angry, being sad ,being strong,being happy .it’s just cycles. And I know it will get better and I really have no desire to ever see him or talk to him again .I think he’s a complete asshole. And is it weird to wish bad things on them? It’s just a fantasy.I would never want somebody to get really sick or anything ,but it almost brings me some kind a pleasure. I feel sort of bad for that. But is the cycling of emotions normal? And I let them happen by the way .I don’t hide them-I have a real issue with expressing grief as I was a paramedic for 20 years so I had to hide my emotions to be able to do that very stressful job. I’m letting it all out now but it’s really getting tiresome of going up and down up and down. Thank you so much for your articles you are so helpful! XO

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    Kim Saeed says July 15, 2018

    Very glad to know my article resonated with you, Rachel!

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
    Banshee1124 says July 15, 2018

    We’re in the same boat with the paramedic thing. I often wonder if this was my downfall. He was a one point my commanding Officer and many years later ended up a patient of mine. He saw my need to help people a mile away.

    Reply
    Jerry H. says July 19, 2018

    Hi Rachel. Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I wanted and wished bad things on my narc., but I was just doing more harm to myself and had to let that feeling go. I would drive by her house all the time and try to come up with something to get even with her, like egging her car or throwing paint all over her drive way etc. LOL As time went on however, that anger finally subsided and now I think about it but I no longer drive by her house. It is not worth going to jail over. Good luck and be STRONG.

    Reply
      Rachel says July 30, 2018

      Thank you so much for the nice words. Anger is getting better… Slowly…

      Reply
Pauline Thomas says July 15, 2018

I have worked with most addictions, and women and men involved with a Narc. are hardest to conquer…you are best at this giving clear direction, over 30 years ago I was married to one, but I attended different groups with people involved and not involved, and I do not hear of him and I do not know where he is, but I have to keep my eye on the ball I am an empathic person, and can be zapped again but I have the tools and no how to move on pauline xx

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