Do you feel sick to your stomach every time you spend $3 on a simple coffee?
Are you meticulously combing your debit history at least once a day?
Do thoughts of bills and frivolous purchases wake you up in the middle of the night in a panic?
Do you attach a dollar sign to everything?
If any of these set off alarm bells, you may be suffering from financial PTSD as an overlapping symptom of narcissistic abuse syndrome.
Narcissists have dangerous relationships with money, and we pay the price. As survivors of narcissistic abuse syndrome, recovery often requires overcoming the narcissistic financial abuse we suffered – sometimes for years.
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and Complex PTSD
Many people don’t realize that suffering narcissistic abuse for weeks, months, or years can lead to complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) which often includes financial PTSD.
CPTSD differs from PTSD in that it’s caused by long-term trauma rather than a one-time event (like a car crash or hurricane). In most cases, the trauma that causes CPTSD comes from someone who was supposed to be a close loved one or caregiver.
CPTSD can destroy every aspect of your life from social interactions and future relationships to career goals and finances. The narcissist really does a number on your self-esteem and identity.
Instead of reading blog after blog about symptoms of narcissism, look inwards to how the relationship with the narcissist has affected you. Signs of general CPTSD from narcissistic abuse syndrome include
- You always feel alone – even around friends and family.
- You’re experiencing imposter syndrome – no matter how much you’ve accomplished on paper.
- You feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough.
- You constantly stress about money (financial PTSD).
- Your relationship with the narcissist consumes all your thoughts, time, and energy (often due to fighting the same fights over and over).
- You feel like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells” or on the verge of a panic attack.
- You’ve changed your core values or key pieces of your identity to please the narcissist or conform to their idea of an ideal partner (which is ever-changing, thus impossible to achieve)
- You believe you’re unworthy of a stable relationship, happiness, or affection.
5 Faces of Manipulative Narcissistic Financial Abuse
Every narcissist has an unhealthy relationship with money, and they unload these dangerous habits onto their victims which, in many cases, turns into financial PTSD. Think of it like a computer virus that gets uploaded into your subconscious mind and continues multiplying until you’re completely obsessed with the financial abuse you’ve endured.
However, not every narcissist is the same. Narcissistic financial abuse takes many forms.
- The Moocher
The Moocher can’t hold down a decent job. They’ll rattle off one petty excuse after another as to why (of course it’s never their fault) but, it typically stems from a disdain for authority.
If there’s a loophole to swindle money, this narcissist will exploit it – whether it’s hiding assets to qualify for government assistance or calling the McDonald’s complaint line with lies for a $10 gift card.
When all else fails, you’re the one who fills the gap of course. Many people go into debt dealing with this type of narcissistic financial abuse and suffer long-term financial PTSD.
- The Dollar Lama
Typically male, this narcissist tends to earn moderate to high levels of income which they weaponize against their female partner.
The Dollar Lama often convinces their partner to quit their job (no matter how much money she makes or how successful she is) under the guise that he can handle it, which leads to financial PTSD.
That’s because he intends to control you – not take care of you.
- The Broker of Deafening Silence
This is your standard materialistic narcissist. They contribute financially to the relationship (often more than they need to) and believe this is all the relationship effort needed from them.
The Broker of Deafening Silence replaces emotional connection and affection with extravagant gifts, expensive jewelry, and vacations.
This narcissist loves to wield the silent treatment and executes it particularly well because they’re so far detached from any normal emotion.
- The Self-Appointed Princess
She may have a six-figure salary and a Ph.D. but would give it all up in a heartbeat if she finds a man willing to kneel at her feet.
The image of Jan Levinson from The Office comes to mind here when she drove Michael into debt after losing her C-level job.
Entitlement issues run strong and this doesn’t change when children enter the picture either. Mom always comes first. Her wardrobe and plastic surgery are at the top of her list of priorities. The Self-Appointed Princess is also a master financial manipulator who loves to gaslight and play the perpetual victim.
- The Chronic Capitalist
Everything has a dollar sign attached to it – and you can’t afford it.
To this narcissist, if you can’t make money from something, it’s not worth doing.
Have an idea for a new hobby? The Chronic Capitalist will remind you that you’ll never be good enough to make money from it – so why bother?
Want to go back to school to improve your salary? Surely, they’ll support your dreams to make more money, right? This type of narcissist will remind you that you can’t afford it – haven’t you heard about the crippling debt of student loans?!
To the Chronic Capitalist, there’s always a reason you can’t do something. Hint: It’s always money.
Of course, when they want to do something *gasp* just for fun, the attitude suddenly turns into #TreatYoSelf.
Are You Suffering from Financial PTSD?
Dr. Mark Goulston M.D. describes narcissistic financial abuse as a vicious cycle: You’re constantly traumatized and re-traumatized so instead of focusing on actual solutions, you just become increasingly anxious and defenseless.
He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse:
- Debt: Every discussion about finances – no matter how mundane – becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first.
- Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly) for access to money. They may make you feel guilty for either not earning as much as them or not sharing enough of your income with them.
- Distrust: You can’t trust the narcissist with joint finances because they’re either selfish, irresponsible, or both. They withhold your own money from you claiming that you can’t be trusted (gaslighting).
- Denial: We turn to denial as a coping tool when narcissistic abuse syndrome turns us into passive bystanders in our own lives and finances. You tell yourself that the narcissist really does know better so they should control the finances and if they don’t, is it really worth the argument?
Overcoming Financial PTSD Requires Diligent Recovery
Money shouldn’t consume all your thoughts. That’s not healthy.
Another world is possible. You know you can feel it and you know you deserve it.
You may not feel like there’s a way out and that you can never make it on your own but that’s the narcissistic abuse syndrome talking.
Narcissistic abuse breaks down your very identity. It strips away your sense of self and replaces it with 100% focus and attention to the narcissist. You feel worthless and you genuinely don’t believe you’re deserving of anything better. This is as good as it gets, right?
Recovering from narcissistic financial abuse requires a comprehensive plan. Until you address the underlying CPTSD symptoms, your financial PTSD will keep holding you back. You’ll always feel like you’re broke and that you can’t possibly spend a single dollar on yourself.
Abundance Tip: Stop saying these phrases, starting now:
“I’m broke”
“I can’t afford it”
“I never have enough money”
“I barely have enough to cover my bills”
When you always focus on ‘being broke’ and constantly talk about it, you are summoning the forces of the Universe to keep you in that place. It’s like praying to stay broke!
Avoiding these phrases is a positive first step in your recovery from financial PTSD.
