sex with a narcissist

10 Ways Sex With a Narcissist Makes You Feel Used

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At first, sex with a narcissist may seem addictive. It’s like you can’t live without each other. You want to spend all your time in bed, pleasuring and enjoying your partner’s body.

But as time goes on, the euphoria fades. And suddenly, the excitement is replaced with…annoyance, resentment, shame, and even fear. While you know you definitely don’t enjoy sex the way you once did, maybe you aren’t exactly sure why.

While it’s normal to experience ebbs and flows in your sex life, sex with a narcissist almost always becomes unfulfilling and disappointing. No matter how exciting things once seemed, the letdown can be fierce. Here are ten reasons why.

1 – Sex Is All About Them 

At one point, they may have devoted time and attention to your needs. They may have even pleasured you in a way nobody else could match.

But this pattern often indicates love-bombing, and it’s a common way to “hook” new partners into toxic relationships. When it comes to the early stages of sex, narcissists know how to appear generous and compassionate. They will lavish you with love, reeling you into their world without regard for your feelings.

And once they have you captivated? The sex becomes entirely selfish. They may go through the motions to keep you barely satisfied, but eventually become utterly indifferent to your body, sex, or even kissing. That’s because sex is all about their needs, desires, and expectations.

2 – They Want Constant Validation

Although it can seem paradoxical, narcissists have terrible concepts of self-worth. It’s why they rely on sex and romance to maintain their narcissistic supply

This need for validation can play out in several ways. For example, they might seek constant approval about “how well” they pleasure you. Or, they may subtly fish for compliments about their appearance or performance. But, it doesn’t take long to realize that even though they seem to want your opinion about their performance, they don’t use your feedback in order to get closer to you. In fact, they will often use your feedback to make sure they are performing well for other supply that’s in their pipeline.

3 – Sex Is Just a Game 

What does sex mean to you? Is it a way for you to bond and connect with someone you love? Does it create a sense of powerful intimacy between you and your partner?

Now think about what sex might mean to the narcissist. To them, it’s not about bonding, connecting, or building intimacy. Instead, it’s about “winning a game.” From that framework, you are nothing more than a mere pawn in their quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction. 

Sex is just one of many ways they inflate their ego. So, when they sleep with you, it’s all about maintaining and restoring the ego- not about creating a powerful sense of love. 

4 – Monogamy Is Optional 

Think your partner is totally committed to you? Think again. 

Many narcissists are notorious for cheating on their partners. The premise here is simple: They want what they want, and if they want someone else, they don’t care about the appropriate rules regarding fidelity. 

Furthermore, they often engage in manipulative tactics, like monkey branching, to ensure they get the best of both worlds. With this strategy, they may present as monogamous, but they’re always scouting for new supply. So even if you think things are going well in the relationship, they’re preparing to bail whenever the right opportunity presents itself. 

5 – They Will Shame Your Desires and Preferences

Have you ever divulged a fantasy or secret desire to your narcissistic partner? Did you finally do so after they prodded for information? If so, how did they respond after your big reveal? 

A typical narcissist may react by:

  • Laughing at you or calling you silly. 
  • Calling you dirty, slutty, or some other derogative term for having that desire.
  • Making it about them (so, having sex with me isn’t good enough on its own?).
  • Giving into your desire and then expecting you to thank them incessantly for it.
  • Gaslighting you into believing you’re the selfish one for having needs.

All of these responses undoubtedly cut you down and make you feel insignificant and inferior. This will often apply even after you express that you don’t necessarily want to engage in these preferences. It’s all a way to manipulate your feelings and keep your focus on their needs. 

6 – You Know You’re Being Compared to Porn

Many narcissists are addicted to porn. Unfortunately, they often confuse real-life sex for fantasyland. Therefore, they assume that their partners should match the energy, appearance, and gusto of pornstars!

This comparison, of course, can be devastating for partners. After all, it’s essentially impossible to compete with these fabricated narratives about what sex is (and what it isn’t). 

Keep in mind that narcissists will often downplay or lie about their porn consumption. But you can likely tell they’re viewing excessive porn if: 

  • They suddenly want to engage in different kinds of sex without any real explanation.
  • They have a hard time getting or maintaining an erection.
  • They no longer have as much interest in having sex.
  • They don’t seem to be “looking at you” when having sex.
  • They are masturbating much more frequently.

7 – They Withhold Sex 

Narcissists love changing the rules just to keep their sex partners on their toes. So, one week, you two might be having lots of amazing sex. But the next? It’s radio silence. And not only that, they may even snap when you try to initiate sex.

So, what gives?

Withholding sex can be a malicious form of devaluing you, and narcissists use it because they know it keeps you doubting your reality. They also know that it will likely make you feel deeply insecure or ashamed, which keeps them having a sense of control.

Sometimes, the narcissist will have a legitimate reason for not having sex. But often, they will be intentionally vague. If confronted, they will likely respond by saying something like:

  • I just haven’t been in the mood lately.
  • I have a lot on my mind.
  • We have tons of sex. Why are you being so pushy?
  • I just need some space.
  • I need to think about things.

These cryptic responses have one thing in common: they make you feel like you did something wrong (even when you know you didn’t). And so, this often perpetuates a pattern of you trying to read the narcissists’ mind, all while knowing that nothing you do will be good enough.

8 – Sex Feels Like a Massive Chore

Maybe you just “put up” with sex because you don’t want to disrupt the status quo. But in doing that, nothing feels that satisfying. Instead, you’re probably seething! 

Even though sex may not always feel explosive, it certainly shouldn’t just feel like an item to check off your to-do list. If that’s the case, there are some serious issues you need to address within the relationship.

Unfortunately, bringing up your feelings will likely backfire. As you probably know, narcissists don’t handle feedback very well. They will likely attack you over any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.

9 – They Won’t Commit

Maybe you keep having sex with a narcissist, hoping that it will lead to something more. Perhaps they keep promising about a relationship or marriage. But in reality? Nothing happens.

What’s going on?

Narcissists will tell you whatever you want to hear to get whatever they want. So, if they know you want a committed relationship or marriage, they might make off-handed remarks about those topics just to keep you pining for more.

Of course, these remarks don’t have real substance behind them. The narcissist will always do things on their terms. So, if they aren’t willing to commit, that won’t change until they decide it needs to change. But in the meantime, when it comes to sex, they’ll undoubtedly continue having their cake and eating it, too!

10 – They Sexually Abuse You 

Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating, destructive outcomes associated with having sex with a narcissist. The American Psychological Association (APA) cites sexual abuse as any unwanted sexual activity made through force, threats, or the inability to provide clear consent. 

When it comes to narcissists and sex, this abuse can look like:

  • Insisting you don’t love them if you don’t have sex with them.
  • Threatening to hurt your reputation or “break up with you” if you don’t have sex.
  • Guilting you into having sex due to not wanting blue balls or other types of discomfort.
  • Trying to weaken your impulses by encouraging you to drink heavily.
  • Attempting to flatter or guilt you into having sex because they “need” to feel connected.

Remember that sexual abuse is never your fault, and it is never okay! Healthy relationships require trust and respect. Sexual abuse violates those essential concepts and can seriously compromise your physical and emotional well-being.

Will Sex With A Narcissist Get Better? 

The short answer: no.

The long answer: No.

Sex with a narcissist escalates into a selfish power differential, and it can quickly spiral into an insidious form of control, manipulation, and abuse. For these reasons, sex with a narcissist will never be a mutually fulfilling form of intimacy.

In fact, if you are having sex with a narcissist, your soul is being sucked out of you.

Narcissists don’t make real love, they don’t have the ability to connect with you on a soul mate level (even though it often feels like this in the beginning). Instead, over time it will feel as if your spirit is slowly getting sick. This is why relationships with narcissists are often referred to as “soul rape”.

If you are being (or have been) intimately or sexually narcissistically abused, it probably has begun to feel like you are sleeping next to a stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air and suddenly the person who used to feel like home to you has become some unknown entity who exudes boredom and irritation with you. 

If you know you need to purge the horrific addiction and devastating emotional and spiritual contamination from a narcissist, then please consider The Break Free Program.  Healing is a process that can open up some truly transformative revelations and opportunities when we give ourselves the chance to recover and thrive. 

You can find out more about The Break Free Program by clicking this link.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions about this sensitive topic.


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19 comments
Hazel says March 21, 2022

It’s sad to only learn that I’m in a 19years marriage with a narcissist, each time I read this, it’s jus exactly what I’m experiencing I life..I’m frequently emotionally drained..

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    Anonymous says May 5, 2022

    God artical my only worry is some don’t know they suffer with this and the current fix to a victim is not really in the best interest of the world see you start to many spot fires u will loose the while paddock if violence is involved leave if your inclined to think about the fact there is not a point you being up that is not in every person we need bigger educational programs for this it’s they foot forward to the change we need

    Reply
Amanda Kingham says March 13, 2022

This article has made me realise I’ve been dating a narc for 5 years the lies the cheating the sex pattern the stories no feeling of remorse nothing luckily I’ve worked him out and thankfully live miles from him I even caught him in the act but 3 months after no contact he text and still said I didn’t catch him with anyone I shot his excuses down so 4 weeks on I find out he’s cheated again and so he’s been dumped for good I’m a super emphasis and no not taking it no more but everything I’ve read about narcs is him so it’s helped thanks

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Christy says March 3, 2022

I have been praying for a sign that I’m not just crazy and that these things are actually taking place and after reading this article, I must say that nothing has ever in my life been clearer for what I’m supposed to do!!!! THANK YOU

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    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2022

    I am glad to know the article has helped you with clarity, Christy! Wishing you all the very best. Xo

    Kim

    Reply
Natasha Brown says February 25, 2022

Love you

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Nicole says February 21, 2022

I’m glad to finally get my divorce from the narcissist. So happy to be single with peace and joy in my life!!

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JT says February 21, 2022

Article is spot on in many ways. After many years I realize what happened. Broke my heart about the porn, he cheated physically once that I know of, probably has/is seeing someone now for all I know. Cant really have much of conversation unless its on a topic he likes. Dont disagree or have a different view/opinion or he will get angry. Basically he ignores me as if I’m invisible. Stonewalls & gaslights if I bring up about our marriage. He says he thinks we are fine. Basically no sex. I’ve counted 15+ reasons he sez why he doesn’t want to over the last 2 years or so. Now I know its about control & showing me who is “boss”. No physical anything. He says he loves me & wud never hurt me again like he did wen he cheated on me. I confronted him about the porn & that I believe that’s why he has nothing to do with me. I sed its an addiction that doesn’t just go away & that way he doesn’t have to do anything with me. He didn’t really say much to that. He won’t talk things out to try n solve…just gets mad & either goes quiet or gets up & walks away. He sez he can’t do anything right for me. I try to b careful/aware of what & how I say things as I can b sharp in my tone. I try very hard to b calm & level voiced when I talk to him but he often still gets very irritated & short with me. I feel like if I just stay away he won’t b irritated & crabby with me. What is so bad is that I miss him when we’re not together but it all goes downhill after a day or 2. As long as I do & agree with everything he sez/thinks/does all is ok. He sez thats not true.
I pray & pray for wisdom & help. 🙁

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    Jessica Ebneter says March 7, 2022

    Dear JT
    After being married 12 years to a narcissist and having 3 lovely boys with that thing , I can imagine what you’re going through.
    Run my dear, run as far as you can, don’t look back and don’t doubt yourself. It’s right that it always needs 2 people to screw it up – but in this case his draining you and you let it happen.
    I got cancer twice before I had the courage and the power to leave him with my kids – our life is not easy now – but way better than before.
    Stay strong

    Reply
    Rachel K says March 12, 2022

    20 yrs. I pray and hope for him to take part and be more open still . You are so not alone ….

    Reply
anitta says February 21, 2022

The truth in this article. I now hate sex, i’Mstruggling to establish a relarelationship. If my partner mentions it I feel like they digging my grave

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Tracey says February 21, 2022

I’m still at the stage of realising what’s been happening to me in my marriage, and trying to deal with all the emotions, but I hadn’t even considered this aspect of our “relationship” until I saw your post. I’ve always thought that our unsatisfying sex life was all my fault- it has indeed felt like a chore for a long time. I ‘ve been feeling guilty for years that I just want for him to get it over with. Occasionally it would feel good, but I’ve been mostly faking my responses so as not to hurt his feelings. We’ve both been putting it down to my depression and anxiety and “hang-ups” and now also my age (I’m going through the menopause.) But he always says he has a physical need, and has to have release regularly. He won’t masturbate (so he says) because he is very religious and he thinks it would be a sin. Now I just feel like I’ve been a sort of w*nk aid to him all these years, and I don’t know what to do with this rage.

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Rugia says February 21, 2022

Thank you Kim this explains it all.
I can relate, the narcissist set a ‘sex timetable’ during our time together. Sad and hilarious at the same time.
The point is that it’s an obvious indicator of being devalued and a plan for further manipulation.
Initiating sex with the narcissist never works, it’s always their way and usually sucks!

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Theresa says February 21, 2022

I read your emails ALL the time. I LOVE them..I got lucky when it came to sex with the narcissist because it was lousy from the very start.. LOL..I wasn’t impressed by it…so it was kinda easy to break things off…he was a covert narcissist the worst of the worst..it took me a while to get over the so-called relationship…but I’m doing pretty well for the most part…your emails definitely keep me on my toes 😀 💕…I appreciate you and all that you do.

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    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2022

    I’m glad you are free now and healing, Theresa! That is wonderful news 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
Reynaldo Guadalupe says February 20, 2022

Am somewhat under the impression your articulation of the ten ways of having sex with a narcissist leaves one feeling used is in retrospect to narcissist being a male only.

Therefore, I want to comment that my experience as a male married to a narc-wife has ran pretty much the course described in your elaboration.

The one instance I got in your article that seems to reflects the narc as a woman says “They will likely attack you over any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.”

To this and your elaboration I say, indeed. Everything in your articulation matches what I’ve lived, and am living every so often. Only now, we are separated and am maintaining boundaries and an as mutual possible a relationship as we raise our now 14 years old child. This process in itself is quite grueling and challenging of you all me.

My point really is that articulating narcissistic behavioral traits should clearly depict the fact that narcs are existent and striving as men and women around the world. Thus, there are in fact many men out there struggling with narcissistic wives.

Thank you for your elaboration. It does have great concurring insight to my very own situation.
Gb

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    dan says March 27, 2022

    I too am a male survivor of a narc girlfriend. She would always say that her needs are high and expected sex almost daily, on her terms. If I didn’t accommodate her for any reason she would be upset and I would receive the cold shoulder for at least a couple days. However, if I wanted to initiate things she would give the “I’m too tired” or “I have a migraine” on some occasions. If I called her out on any of this I was the “bad guy”. I am so glad I got away from her and I am approaching 2 months of no contact and I am finally starting to feel peace in my life. These people really suck the life right out of us survivors!

    Reply
Juanita M Jones says February 20, 2022

Your article was spot on. After the last damage, I couldn’t look at the narc, much less do anything else. I recognized them for what they were, old, ugly, fat, delusinal, unappealing, unattractive, and not worth my time.

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    Theresa/Tori says February 21, 2022

    I totally agree…these people aren’t worth our time and once you see what they’re about there’s NO going back

    Reply
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