At first, sex with a narcissist may seem addictive. It’s like you can’t live without each other. You want to spend all your time in bed, pleasuring and enjoying your partner’s body.
But as time goes on, the euphoria fades. And suddenly, the excitement is replaced with…annoyance, resentment, shame, and even fear. While you know you definitely don’t enjoy sex the way you once did, maybe you aren’t exactly sure why.
While it’s normal to experience ebbs and flows in your sex life, sex with a narcissist almost always becomes unfulfilling and disappointing. No matter how exciting things once seemed, the letdown can be fierce. Here are ten reasons why.
1 – Sex Is All About Them
At one point, they may have devoted time and attention to your needs. They may have even pleasured you in a way nobody else could match.
But this pattern often indicates love-bombing, and it’s a common way to “hook” new partners into toxic relationships. When it comes to the early stages of sex, narcissists know how to appear generous and compassionate. They will lavish you with love, reeling you into their world without regard for your feelings.
And once they have you captivated? The sex becomes entirely selfish. They may go through the motions to keep you barely satisfied, but eventually become utterly indifferent to your body, sex, or even kissing. That’s because sex is all about their needs, desires, and expectations.
2 – They Want Constant Validation
Although it can seem paradoxical, narcissists have terrible concepts of self-worth. It’s why they rely on sex and romance to maintain their narcissistic supply.
This need for validation can play out in several ways. For example, they might seek constant approval about “how well” they pleasure you. Or, they may subtly fish for compliments about their appearance or performance. But, it doesn’t take long to realize that even though they seem to want your opinion about their performance, they don’t use your feedback in order to get closer to you. In fact, they will often use your feedback to make sure they are performing well for other supply that’s in their pipeline.
3 – Sex Is Just a Game
What does sex mean to you? Is it a way for you to bond and connect with someone you love? Does it create a sense of powerful intimacy between you and your partner?
Now think about what sex might mean to the narcissist. To them, it’s not about bonding, connecting, or building intimacy. Instead, it’s about “winning a game.” From that framework, you are nothing more than a mere pawn in their quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction.
Sex is just one of many ways they inflate their ego. So, when they sleep with you, it’s all about maintaining and restoring the ego- not about creating a powerful sense of love.
4 – Monogamy Is Optional
Think your partner is totally committed to you? Think again.
Many narcissists are notorious for cheating on their partners. The premise here is simple: They want what they want, and if they want someone else, they don’t care about the appropriate rules regarding fidelity.
Furthermore, they often engage in manipulative tactics, like monkey branching, to ensure they get the best of both worlds. With this strategy, they may present as monogamous, but they’re always scouting for new supply. So even if you think things are going well in the relationship, they’re preparing to bail whenever the right opportunity presents itself.
5 – They Will Shame Your Desires and Preferences
Have you ever divulged a fantasy or secret desire to your narcissistic partner? Did you finally do so after they prodded for information? If so, how did they respond after your big reveal?
A typical narcissist may react by:
- Laughing at you or calling you silly.
- Calling you dirty, slutty, or some other derogative term for having that desire.
- Making it about them (so, having sex with me isn’t good enough on its own?).
- Giving into your desire and then expecting you to thank them incessantly for it.
- Gaslighting you into believing you’re the selfish one for having needs.
All of these responses undoubtedly cut you down and make you feel insignificant and inferior. This will often apply even after you express that you don’t necessarily want to engage in these preferences. It’s all a way to manipulate your feelings and keep your focus on their needs.
6 – You Know You’re Being Compared to Porn
Many narcissists are addicted to porn. Unfortunately, they often confuse real-life sex for fantasyland. Therefore, they assume that their partners should match the energy, appearance, and gusto of pornstars!
This comparison, of course, can be devastating for partners. After all, it’s essentially impossible to compete with these fabricated narratives about what sex is (and what it isn’t).
Keep in mind that narcissists will often downplay or lie about their porn consumption. But you can likely tell they’re viewing excessive porn if:
- They suddenly want to engage in different kinds of sex without any real explanation.
- They have a hard time getting or maintaining an erection.
- They no longer have as much interest in having sex.
- They don’t seem to be “looking at you” when having sex.
- They are masturbating much more frequently.
7 – They Withhold Sex
Narcissists love changing the rules just to keep their sex partners on their toes. So, one week, you two might be having lots of amazing sex. But the next? It’s radio silence. And not only that, they may even snap when you try to initiate sex.
So, what gives?
Withholding sex can be a malicious form of devaluing you, and narcissists use it because they know it keeps you doubting your reality. They also know that it will likely make you feel deeply insecure or ashamed, which keeps them having a sense of control.
Sometimes, the narcissist will have a legitimate reason for not having sex. But often, they will be intentionally vague. If confronted, they will likely respond by saying something like:
- I just haven’t been in the mood lately.
- I have a lot on my mind.
- We have tons of sex. Why are you being so pushy?
- I just need some space.
- I need to think about things.
These cryptic responses have one thing in common: they make you feel like you did something wrong (even when you know you didn’t). And so, this often perpetuates a pattern of you trying to read the narcissists’ mind, all while knowing that nothing you do will be good enough.
8 – Sex Feels Like a Massive Chore
Maybe you just “put up” with sex because you don’t want to disrupt the status quo. But in doing that, nothing feels that satisfying. Instead, you’re probably seething!
Even though sex may not always feel explosive, it certainly shouldn’t just feel like an item to check off your to-do list. If that’s the case, there are some serious issues you need to address within the relationship.
Unfortunately, bringing up your feelings will likely backfire. As you probably know, narcissists don’t handle feedback very well. They will likely attack you over any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.
9 – They Won’t Commit
Maybe you keep having sex with a narcissist, hoping that it will lead to something more. Perhaps they keep promising about a relationship or marriage. But in reality? Nothing happens.
What’s going on?
Narcissists will tell you whatever you want to hear to get whatever they want. So, if they know you want a committed relationship or marriage, they might make off-handed remarks about those topics just to keep you pining for more.
Of course, these remarks don’t have real substance behind them. The narcissist will always do things on their terms. So, if they aren’t willing to commit, that won’t change until they decide it needs to change. But in the meantime, when it comes to sex, they’ll undoubtedly continue having their cake and eating it, too!
10 – They Sexually Abuse You
Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating, destructive outcomes associated with having sex with a narcissist. The American Psychological Association (APA) cites sexual abuse as any unwanted sexual activity made through force, threats, or the inability to provide clear consent.
When it comes to narcissists and sex, this abuse can look like:
- Insisting you don’t love them if you don’t have sex with them.
- Threatening to hurt your reputation or “break up with you” if you don’t have sex.
- Guilting you into having sex due to not wanting blue balls or other types of discomfort.
- Trying to weaken your impulses by encouraging you to drink heavily.
- Attempting to flatter or guilt you into having sex because they “need” to feel connected.
Remember that sexual abuse is never your fault, and it is never okay! Healthy relationships require trust and respect. Sexual abuse violates those essential concepts and can seriously compromise your physical and emotional well-being.
Will Sex With A Narcissist Get Better?
The short answer: no.
The long answer: No.
Sex with a narcissist escalates into a selfish power differential, and it can quickly spiral into an insidious form of control, manipulation, and abuse. For these reasons, sex with a narcissist will never be a mutually fulfilling form of intimacy.
In fact, if you are having sex with a narcissist, your soul is being sucked out of you.
Narcissists don’t make real love, they don’t have the ability to connect with you on a soul mate level (even though it often feels like this in the beginning). Instead, over time it will feel as if your spirit is slowly getting sick. This is why relationships with narcissists are often referred to as “soul rape”.
If you are being (or have been) intimately or sexually narcissistically abused, it probably has begun to feel like you are sleeping next to a stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air, and suddenly, the person who used to feel like home to you has become some unknown entity who exudes boredom and irritation with you.
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