sex with a narcissist

10 Ways Sex With a Narcissist Makes You Feel Used

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At first, sex with a narcissist may seem addictive. It’s like you can’t live without each other. You want to spend all your time in bed, pleasuring and enjoying your partner’s body.

But as time goes on, the euphoria fades. And suddenly, the excitement is replaced with…annoyance, resentment, shame, and even fear. While you know you definitely don’t enjoy sex the way you once did, maybe you aren’t exactly sure why.

While it’s normal to experience ebbs and flows in your sex life, sex with a narcissist almost always becomes unfulfilling and disappointing. No matter how exciting things once seemed, the letdown can be fierce. Here are ten reasons why.

1 – Sex Is All About Them 

At one point, they may have devoted time and attention to your needs. They may have even pleasured you in a way nobody else could match.

But this pattern often indicates love-bombing, and it’s a common way to “hook” new partners into toxic relationships. When it comes to the early stages of sex, narcissists know how to appear generous and compassionate. They will lavish you with love, reeling you into their world without regard for your feelings.

And once they have you captivated? The sex becomes entirely selfish. They may go through the motions to keep you barely satisfied, but eventually become utterly indifferent to your body, sex, or even kissing. That’s because sex is all about their needs, desires, and expectations.

2 – They Want Constant Validation

Although it can seem paradoxical, narcissists have terrible concepts of self-worth. It’s why they rely on sex and romance to maintain their narcissistic supply

This need for validation can play out in several ways. For example, they might seek constant approval about “how well” they pleasure you. Or, they may subtly fish for compliments about their appearance or performance. But, it doesn’t take long to realize that even though they seem to want your opinion about their performance, they don’t use your feedback in order to get closer to you. In fact, they will often use your feedback to make sure they are performing well for other supply that’s in their pipeline.

3 – Sex Is Just a Game 

What does sex mean to you? Is it a way for you to bond and connect with someone you love? Does it create a sense of powerful intimacy between you and your partner?

Now think about what sex might mean to the narcissist. To them, it’s not about bonding, connecting, or building intimacy. Instead, it’s about “winning a game.” From that framework, you are nothing more than a mere pawn in their quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction. 

Sex is just one of many ways they inflate their ego. So, when they sleep with you, it’s all about maintaining and restoring the ego- not about creating a powerful sense of love. 

4 – Monogamy Is Optional 

Think your partner is totally committed to you? Think again. 

Many narcissists are notorious for cheating on their partners. The premise here is simple: They want what they want, and if they want someone else, they don’t care about the appropriate rules regarding fidelity. 

Furthermore, they often engage in manipulative tactics, like monkey branching, to ensure they get the best of both worlds. With this strategy, they may present as monogamous, but they’re always scouting for new supply. So even if you think things are going well in the relationship, they’re preparing to bail whenever the right opportunity presents itself. 

5 – They Will Shame Your Desires and Preferences

Have you ever divulged a fantasy or secret desire to your narcissistic partner? Did you finally do so after they prodded for information? If so, how did they respond after your big reveal? 

A typical narcissist may react by:

  • Laughing at you or calling you silly. 
  • Calling you dirty, slutty, or some other derogative term for having that desire.
  • Making it about them (so, having sex with me isn’t good enough on its own?).
  • Giving into your desire and then expecting you to thank them incessantly for it.
  • Gaslighting you into believing you’re the selfish one for having needs.

All of these responses undoubtedly cut you down and make you feel insignificant and inferior. This will often apply even after you express that you don’t necessarily want to engage in these preferences. It’s all a way to manipulate your feelings and keep your focus on their needs. 

6 – You Know You’re Being Compared to Porn

Many narcissists are addicted to porn. Unfortunately, they often confuse real-life sex for fantasyland. Therefore, they assume that their partners should match the energy, appearance, and gusto of pornstars!

This comparison, of course, can be devastating for partners. After all, it’s essentially impossible to compete with these fabricated narratives about what sex is (and what it isn’t). 

Keep in mind that narcissists will often downplay or lie about their porn consumption. But you can likely tell they’re viewing excessive porn if: 

  • They suddenly want to engage in different kinds of sex without any real explanation.
  • They have a hard time getting or maintaining an erection.
  • They no longer have as much interest in having sex.
  • They don’t seem to be “looking at you” when having sex.
  • They are masturbating much more frequently.

7 – They Withhold Sex 

Narcissists love changing the rules just to keep their sex partners on their toes. So, one week, you two might be having lots of amazing sex. But the next? It’s radio silence. And not only that, they may even snap when you try to initiate sex.

So, what gives?

Withholding sex can be a malicious form of devaluing you, and narcissists use it because they know it keeps you doubting your reality. They also know that it will likely make you feel deeply insecure or ashamed, which keeps them having a sense of control.

Sometimes, the narcissist will have a legitimate reason for not having sex. But often, they will be intentionally vague. If confronted, they will likely respond by saying something like:

  • I just haven’t been in the mood lately.
  • I have a lot on my mind.
  • We have tons of sex. Why are you being so pushy?
  • I just need some space.
  • I need to think about things.

These cryptic responses have one thing in common: they make you feel like you did something wrong (even when you know you didn’t). And so, this often perpetuates a pattern of you trying to read the narcissists’ mind, all while knowing that nothing you do will be good enough.

8 – Sex Feels Like a Massive Chore

Maybe you just “put up” with sex because you don’t want to disrupt the status quo. But in doing that, nothing feels that satisfying. Instead, you’re probably seething! 

Even though sex may not always feel explosive, it certainly shouldn’t just feel like an item to check off your to-do list. If that’s the case, there are some serious issues you need to address within the relationship.

Unfortunately, bringing up your feelings will likely backfire. As you probably know, narcissists don’t handle feedback very well. They will likely attack you over any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.

9 – They Won’t Commit

Maybe you keep having sex with a narcissist, hoping that it will lead to something more. Perhaps they keep promising about a relationship or marriage. But in reality? Nothing happens.

What’s going on?

Narcissists will tell you whatever you want to hear to get whatever they want. So, if they know you want a committed relationship or marriage, they might make off-handed remarks about those topics just to keep you pining for more.

Of course, these remarks don’t have real substance behind them. The narcissist will always do things on their terms. So, if they aren’t willing to commit, that won’t change until they decide it needs to change. But in the meantime, when it comes to sex, they’ll undoubtedly continue having their cake and eating it, too!

10 – They Sexually Abuse You 

Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating, destructive outcomes associated with having sex with a narcissist. The American Psychological Association (APA) cites sexual abuse as any unwanted sexual activity made through force, threats, or the inability to provide clear consent. 

When it comes to narcissists and sex, this abuse can look like:

  • Insisting you don’t love them if you don’t have sex with them.
  • Threatening to hurt your reputation or “break up with you” if you don’t have sex.
  • Guilting you into having sex due to not wanting blue balls or other types of discomfort.
  • Trying to weaken your impulses by encouraging you to drink heavily.
  • Attempting to flatter or guilt you into having sex because they “need” to feel connected.

Remember that sexual abuse is never your fault, and it is never okay! Healthy relationships require trust and respect. Sexual abuse violates those essential concepts and can seriously compromise your physical and emotional well-being.

Will Sex With A Narcissist Get Better? 

The short answer: no.

The long answer: No.

Sex with a narcissist escalates into a selfish power differential, and it can quickly spiral into an insidious form of control, manipulation, and abuse. For these reasons, sex with a narcissist will never be a mutually fulfilling form of intimacy.

In fact, if you are having sex with a narcissist, your soul is being sucked out of you.

Narcissists don’t make real love, they don’t have the ability to connect with you on a soul mate level (even though it often feels like this in the beginning). Instead, over time it will feel as if your spirit is slowly getting sick. This is why relationships with narcissists are often referred to as “soul rape”.

If you are being (or have been) intimately or sexually narcissistically abused, it probably has begun to feel like you are sleeping next to a stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air, and suddenly, the person who used to feel like home to you has become some unknown entity who exudes boredom and irritation with you. 

Get Started On The Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

One of my greatest passions is helping previously victimized people become empowered. If you are ready for this astounding upleveling, the best thing you can do is join the Break Free community. 

My best recommendation is to find an online program to keep you on track and to offer support.  The Break Free Program has been vetted by therapists and neuropsychologists as an effective step toward getting over narcissistic abuse. Aside from keeping you safe from narcissists, it also empowers you to go out into the world with confidence.

Join Break Free and learn to:

  1. ✅ Dramatically overpower your addiction to the narcissist so you can stop being their victim
  2. ✅ Get to a place of acceptance so you can stop doubting yourself over your decision to heal your life
  3. ✅ Set limits and create stronger boundaries against emotional manipulation that has caused you to act out of character
    + so much more!

Just click the link to join:

👉 Join now with a discount and lifetime access.

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Laura says January 31, 2024

So iwas married to a sociopathic narcissistic trait bearing man for over ten years . Now that we divorced, its been five years and about a yr ago i started dating a manhe is 30 i am 40. I dont know how to not overly accuse his actions and intimacy issues of being toxic and not just to his young natured mind as well as how can i feel so good and then seem to fall into same things or behaviors and feelings as in my failed marriage? Am i bding out if norm and creating this stigma of unhappy unsatisfying cycle of life formyself or is it really that u fall again for the same crap ? How do u know when ur right and they are not being up to my standards of what i require to be happy or the illusion that they portray and am i just being a paranoid and jaded jerk?

Anonymous says August 5, 2023

I have been living with a covert narcissist for seven years. I had thought she was borderline and made many mistakes trying to “save” her , especially by remaining in the marriage. However, since I came to the realisation that she was narc, her abusive behaviours began to make sense to me. I have experienced all the silent treatment (when she doesn’t get what she wants), the verbal abuse, devaluation, insecurity, paranoia, endless and energy-sapping manipulation tactics and so on. This was total opposite of the sweetest girl I had dated which she seemed when we newly met. The love was so intense and incomparable that within six months we were married, despite all the warnings from my family.

Your article has provided the clarity about sex which has confused me for a year now.
I am in my late 30s and my wife is in her early 30s. At the start of the relationship and up until last the 2 years, she could be said to have a high sex drive, constantly demanding sex, phone sex when we were apart`, nudes and so on. I was mostly on equal level with her in terms of the physical intimacy, but something inexplicable has been happening in the past year.

I had been living in another country and recently brought her over with our 3 kids. Up until the last 2 years, I was the sole bread winner and she had not been working. But since she has been in this new country, she has had to work because of the bills and high cost of living. If her abusive behaviour was rated 4/10 before, it is now at 10/10, because she has new power now – money. The most shocking to me has been the sexual withdrawal. My wife makes all sorts of excuses to refrain from intimacy and now sleeps in a separate bed room. She would stonewall and block me if I raised the issue. I gave up last year and stopped bothering her. While I burned away and got sex-starved, I later found out that she had been talking to an unknown man on daily basis. She denied this initially (my 8 year old daughter had told me about a particular name that called mummy multiple times on daily basis), until I sneaked back home during the days she blocked me and listened in on her calls with this strange man. She worked nights and I had my suspicion that she had been up to something unwholesome with some man. We had an argument last December over suspicions of infidelity and she packed up her things and disappeared, abandoning me and the children. It later came out to be that she went to a hotel “to cool off” for 1 week. I got the social services and the police involved midway through her disappearance and she lied to to them that I was abusive , which was why she had to run away to somewhere safe.
We both knew that it was a lie.

In the end, my empathetic heart , who had for seven years thought she had a mental health condition and needed help, made up with her and she promised to start therapy.

We began to have sex again, but it was now different – cold, one-sided and she would not kiss me. This was an utterly strange departure from the tigress in bed whom I married. Soon, she began to flatly refuse me intimacy, touches, don’t mention sex.

Just last week (which is the reason I came to look for answers), I made to touch her and she told me with a stern face “I don’t want you”!). This crushed my whole being. I was devastated. It was the most-demeaning word anyone has told me throughout my life. I sank into depression and was useless at work for 4 days.

I have not spoken to her for days now and know that I should not be with her. But it’s complicated with the kids that are involved. I am also sure that she doesn’t want a divorce (even though she recently threw her ring at me and now goes about without a wedding ring). I am scared of her and the trouble she will make if I take the steps to divorce her. I am waiting for when it is safe and when the kids will not be most affected.

Peter David Merrick says June 12, 2023

I so wish I had known a hundredth part of what I now know about narcissists before I got divorced. Had I had some idea early on of what was really going on (as opposed to trying to make sense of the constant lies and misdirection), I would have made sure I got out before I had the responsibility of children. I also would not have spent so many hours trying to understand her “problems” or giving her endless help and support in the vain attempt to help her to be a better person. And I would not have got stressed about her constant devaluing of me.

I think it’s particularly important to educate church leaders and others in a place of compassionate responsibility about how to recognise narcissism, as the culture of redemption and second chances and not wanting to speak ill of anyone can lead to victims’ being silenced or their trauma being made much worse, if they actually dare to talk about the abuse.

Kim says May 2, 2023

Narcissists are Satan’s demons trapped in human bodies. It’s sad god’s innocent children are abused by their evil narcissistic parents and alot of times they themselves grow up to hurt, steal from, use, leach off of and destroy innocent, nice, loving, responsible, nonnarcissistic people and their lives.

Anonymous says May 2, 2023

Narcissists are Satan’s demons trapped in human bodies. It’s sad god’s innocent children are abused by their evil narcissistic parents and alot of times they themselves grow up to hurt, steal from, use, leach off of and destroy innocent, nice, loving, responsible, nonnarcissistic people and their lives.

Anonymous says October 18, 2022

Wow. Such an overload of knowledge when you are finally removed from the situation. My situation was unfortunately an affair I started. So I was the “other woman” in this narcs infidelity lineup. I worked with him for many years and all of these things you mentioned hold true. The love bombing was amazing in the beginning and the kissing was like I was a teenager again. Then suddenly he told me since he was married we shouldn’t kiss anymore. Ever since then we refused to kiss me until I would start to pull away and become distant. I also would tell him I loved him and he would never say it back. Then every time we would meet or talk it was all about having sex. When I didn’t give in I got the silent treatments. When things seemed to be going good I would get comments on my work being not good enough and it seemed like I was killing myself to make him happy but he would always find a way to Criticize me in some way,shape or form. He also refused to have sex with me for almost 4 months!!! But would still toy around with my feelings and keep our conversations intimate but refuse to have sex because he said he was trying to be a better husband. All lies of course because being a better husband you wouldn’t be asking me to send you dirty nude pictures. And then the sex started to become very aggressive and he wouldn’t even wait for me to finish. It was the most awful feeling I have ever experienced. He hated cuddling too! Once the good deed was done, he made me feel like he wanted nothing to do with me. If I refused to have sex he would feed me these lies of blue balls and that if we didn’t have sex then there was no relationship or sex was just his way of connecting with me. Anyways, I feel ashamed of the affair to begin with and I am having to cope and heal from this broken off affair by myself. So your blog is helping me Tremendously. I am truly sorry for all the women out there who’s narc husband has cheated on you. I can speak on the half of the “other woman” that I did not come out unharmed. I truly regret every minute and my mind and body does too.

stephaniee says September 26, 2022

Kim – Your information is spot on!!!!

the narc I dated, about 3 weeks, gave himself away when it came to kissing. I immediately knew he was “no longer” into me when he stopped kissing me during the ‘love bombing phase” and I told him as much. He looked at me and nodded.

I even told him that I knew that his childhood was stolen from him and I was sorry that this had happened to him. He didn’t flinch. He tried his damnedest to destroy me, verbally & sexually (long story). However, he used God, stated he was a prophet, walking the path of Isiah, was trying to covert “souls” from being on TINDER & BUMBLE, he admitted he grew up with a porn addiction, but wanted me to cut off all communications with the men in my life.

My husband died at the age of 54 unexpectedly 3 years ago. He was a fabulous man, still had some minor issues, like all of us mere mortals. But above all else, he loved God, our son & me.
The narc was my first date in 18 years. Talk about “scum of the earth” preying upon a young widow. He even utilized the death of my late husband as fodder for his “plan”. Talk about sick and twisted. I have had enemies, but Lordy, this guy takes the cake on how low someone will stoop.

The narc was younger and not very bright. You see, unbeknownst to him, I HAD a low self-esteem, but my lated husband always said to me, “I wish YOU would love you, the way I love you.”. When he passed away, I had started my journey of grief, but with my faith in God and all the love my husband had bestowed upon me. I was learning to love myself and to remain fierce in protecting that self-love and my love for God. I, also, did NOT give all my personal private details of my life.
MY PAST SAVED ME! Yes, my past saved me from being destroyed. The narc was unaware who I was married too over 30 years ago. My ex was a verbal abuser, before it was acceptable about being verbally abused, harder to leave them, then being physically abused, but he was also a narc.

So, the guy I recently dated have no idea about my ex. He ASSUMED he had all the details on me to exploit. He also did something I thought was unusual. He forced me CLOSER to GOD. He was spewing some BS about the Bible, he forgot that I was Catholic and I loved the Lord. I’m not a bible thumper, just giving context to how powerful my faith is. The info he was spewing was things I never heard of from the Bible. That’s because he was extracting it from a certain version of the Bible, not King James, NIV, nor the New American Bible, might be NSV(?). He threw me into such cognitive dissonance, that I question if I was talking to the devil or not. Which of course I was.

I fought through all of it and landed on the side of self love, self confidence, self worth and self perseverance. This I owe to my faith. I fell in love with MYSELF and NOT the narc. He tried to mirror me, but his plans fail, bc I told him ALL ALONG that I did not NEED him, nor want him. I kept repeating this over and over to him, and to remind me, that I don’t need validation from another human being, only myself and God. I know my worth. Sorry he was a highly insecure, stunted, human being that has no self-love, nor self worth. what a lonely feeling that must be! No pity here. I went NO CONTACT and learning that everything is quiet, just the way I like it!

Thanks again for letting me share!

Keep up the amazing efforts, you are doing the Lord’s work!

Andrea says September 1, 2022

OMG, wow…… that really hurt me to read. Gosh, what a confusing mix of emotions and loose ends to cope with. I desperately hope your pain will pass, and you are blessed with the most incredible person by your side, in the future. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for a person like that to just be dead, than to put you through years of added agony and lies. Its a terrible thought of me to have, and only go to that dark place in my mind when I have been beat down to nothing, and re-discarded all over again. I would/could never hurt another human like that, nor waste my life in prison, so please don’t mistake my thoughts, for actions. Its all a sham and embarrassing confuse-fest when married to the Narc.

Kristy says August 29, 2022

I quit sex all together. The last time was in 2019. We tried on three different occasions a month or two apart, but I was being punished, apparently, so 2019 really doesn’t count. I used to be sexually harassed constantly everyday. Rarely anymore. I’m certain it was never about intimacy.

Kurt says August 2, 2022

The term “soul rape” really hit home. I had a person who would call me their soul mate but be dating other people and also not include me with plans. This friendship/relationship lasted for years until I finally discovered it was all a lie. I feel so hurt and empty and know this has been a reoccurring theme with past partners as well. What an eye opening experience . Like taking the bandages off after eye surgery.

Anonymous says July 17, 2022

This sums the initimacy in my marriage. My husband cheated on me recently. Shortly After I found out, he passed away. I have his phone which revealed all his infidelity (including videos smh). I was devastated. Trying to heal from the pain

    Anonymous says August 24, 2022

    I’m so sorry u are going through this double whammy. I know how it feels to be absolutely clueless then the truth takes the very breath from you. Best wishes to you in your healing

Anonymous says June 28, 2022

I have been married to a covert narcissist for forty years. Most of the behaviors in these articles are spot on. For so many, many years I have tried so hard to make things better. Of course nothing has helped, because it’s not about me. There have been many infidelities throughout the years as well as porn addiction. In later years escorts have been his choice. I think it’s because he can order the services he wants with no other commitment other than payment for service. He also acquired an STD through this behavior. At age sixty I had tests for all STD’s. This was so humiliating for me. I have been faithful to him. Luckily my test results were all negative. I will not have sexual relations with him again.

I have been the employed one throughout this marriage. We have two adult sons who are both successful in their lives. They are very kind to me and understand the situation.

So now I am 65 and disabled due to a car accident and I have mental health issues. General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia. I have been insulted and gaslighted to the point that I no longer trust myself to make decisions. Ironically, I am educated and have done well with outside relationships. Friends, coworkers and business contacts. I never understood why I was such a failure at home. I worked so hard to maintain a nice home, prepare healthy meals, support my sons in their educations and hobbies. All of this work was devalued to the point of seeming worthless. I have had birthdays and Mother’s Days in complete silence because I did not deserve to be spoken to.

At this point in my life I see few options. Financially he has faired much better than I, like four times as much. Our house, (that I paid for during my decades of working) is almost paid for. I want to leave it to my sons and grandsons. What family can’t use a paid for house? I know that leaving would cause this asset to be sold and the proceeds split. We live in a no-fault divorce state.

So here I am. I can no longer work. I have a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a very kind primary provider. These three resources are so helpful to me. I am learning awareness and skills to handle these behaviors. I am on medications for pain and anxiety. And, I joined a fraternal organization which provides me with outside contacts and volunteer opportunities. And guess what? They are nice to me, inclusive, and appreciate my contributions. Naturally, my husband resents this and always has some “need” or reason for me to not attend the weekly meeting. I go anyway. I have also learned to recognize his behaviors, not take them personal, and mostly, not respond or rush in to make things better for him. I also have a Service Dog who goes everywhere with me. And with the support of my dog I am able to drive places alone now and interact with others. I no longer contemplate suicide. I can’t change him, but I am learning to move on in my own way. It’s a bit sad to see his pitiful self. I am no longer available for supply and he appears quite empty, fragile and frail.

Hazel says March 21, 2022

It’s sad to only learn that I’m in a 19years marriage with a narcissist, each time I read this, it’s jus exactly what I’m experiencing I life..I’m frequently emotionally drained..

    Anonymous says May 5, 2022

    God artical my only worry is some don’t know they suffer with this and the current fix to a victim is not really in the best interest of the world see you start to many spot fires u will loose the while paddock if violence is involved leave if your inclined to think about the fact there is not a point you being up that is not in every person we need bigger educational programs for this it’s they foot forward to the change we need

Amanda Kingham says March 13, 2022

This article has made me realise I’ve been dating a narc for 5 years the lies the cheating the sex pattern the stories no feeling of remorse nothing luckily I’ve worked him out and thankfully live miles from him I even caught him in the act but 3 months after no contact he text and still said I didn’t catch him with anyone I shot his excuses down so 4 weeks on I find out he’s cheated again and so he’s been dumped for good I’m a super emphasis and no not taking it no more but everything I’ve read about narcs is him so it’s helped thanks

Christy says March 3, 2022

I have been praying for a sign that I’m not just crazy and that these things are actually taking place and after reading this article, I must say that nothing has ever in my life been clearer for what I’m supposed to do!!!! THANK YOU

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2022

    I am glad to know the article has helped you with clarity, Christy! Wishing you all the very best. Xo


Natasha Brown says February 25, 2022

Love you

Nicole says February 21, 2022

I’m glad to finally get my divorce from the narcissist. So happy to be single with peace and joy in my life!!

JT says February 21, 2022

Article is spot on in many ways. After many years I realize what happened. Broke my heart about the porn, he cheated physically once that I know of, probably has/is seeing someone now for all I know. Cant really have much of conversation unless its on a topic he likes. Dont disagree or have a different view/opinion or he will get angry. Basically he ignores me as if I’m invisible. Stonewalls & gaslights if I bring up about our marriage. He says he thinks we are fine. Basically no sex. I’ve counted 15+ reasons he sez why he doesn’t want to over the last 2 years or so. Now I know its about control & showing me who is “boss”. No physical anything. He says he loves me & wud never hurt me again like he did wen he cheated on me. I confronted him about the porn & that I believe that’s why he has nothing to do with me. I sed its an addiction that doesn’t just go away & that way he doesn’t have to do anything with me. He didn’t really say much to that. He won’t talk things out to try n solve…just gets mad & either goes quiet or gets up & walks away. He sez he can’t do anything right for me. I try to b careful/aware of what & how I say things as I can b sharp in my tone. I try very hard to b calm & level voiced when I talk to him but he often still gets very irritated & short with me. I feel like if I just stay away he won’t b irritated & crabby with me. What is so bad is that I miss him when we’re not together but it all goes downhill after a day or 2. As long as I do & agree with everything he sez/thinks/does all is ok. He sez thats not true.
I pray & pray for wisdom & help. 🙁

    Jessica Ebneter says March 7, 2022

    Dear JT
    After being married 12 years to a narcissist and having 3 lovely boys with that thing , I can imagine what you’re going through.
    Run my dear, run as far as you can, don’t look back and don’t doubt yourself. It’s right that it always needs 2 people to screw it up – but in this case his draining you and you let it happen.
    I got cancer twice before I had the courage and the power to leave him with my kids – our life is not easy now – but way better than before.
    Stay strong

    Rachel K says March 12, 2022

    20 yrs. I pray and hope for him to take part and be more open still . You are so not alone ….

    Anonymous says June 25, 2022

    Sounds like my soon to be ex. You are walking on eggshells. Put your shoes back on and leave, no one deserves to be treated like this. After 23 years, I am. Its damn hard but I’m doing it. We deserve better. He left me for his whore, now he wants to come back. Nope. I went NO CONTACT!! Good luck and God bless.

anitta says February 21, 2022

The truth in this article. I now hate sex, i’Mstruggling to establish a relarelationship. If my partner mentions it I feel like they digging my grave

Tracey says February 21, 2022

I’m still at the stage of realising what’s been happening to me in my marriage, and trying to deal with all the emotions, but I hadn’t even considered this aspect of our “relationship” until I saw your post. I’ve always thought that our unsatisfying sex life was all my fault- it has indeed felt like a chore for a long time. I ‘ve been feeling guilty for years that I just want for him to get it over with. Occasionally it would feel good, but I’ve been mostly faking my responses so as not to hurt his feelings. We’ve both been putting it down to my depression and anxiety and “hang-ups” and now also my age (I’m going through the menopause.) But he always says he has a physical need, and has to have release regularly. He won’t masturbate (so he says) because he is very religious and he thinks it would be a sin. Now I just feel like I’ve been a sort of w*nk aid to him all these years, and I don’t know what to do with this rage.

Rugia says February 21, 2022

Thank you Kim this explains it all.
I can relate, the narcissist set a ‘sex timetable’ during our time together. Sad and hilarious at the same time.
The point is that it’s an obvious indicator of being devalued and a plan for further manipulation.
Initiating sex with the narcissist never works, it’s always their way and usually sucks!

Theresa says February 21, 2022

I read your emails ALL the time. I LOVE them..I got lucky when it came to sex with the narcissist because it was lousy from the very start.. LOL..I wasn’t impressed by it…so it was kinda easy to break things off…he was a covert narcissist the worst of the took me a while to get over the so-called relationship…but I’m doing pretty well for the most part…your emails definitely keep me on my toes ? ?…I appreciate you and all that you do.

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2022

    I’m glad you are free now and healing, Theresa! That is wonderful news 🙂


Reynaldo Guadalupe says February 20, 2022

Am somewhat under the impression your articulation of the ten ways of having sex with a narcissist leaves one feeling used is in retrospect to narcissist being a male only.

Therefore, I want to comment that my experience as a male married to a narc-wife has ran pretty much the course described in your elaboration.

The one instance I got in your article that seems to reflects the narc as a woman says “They will likely attack you over any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.”

To this and your elaboration I say, indeed. Everything in your articulation matches what I’ve lived, and am living every so often. Only now, we are separated and am maintaining boundaries and an as mutual possible a relationship as we raise our now 14 years old child. This process in itself is quite grueling and challenging of you all me.

My point really is that articulating narcissistic behavioral traits should clearly depict the fact that narcs are existent and striving as men and women around the world. Thus, there are in fact many men out there struggling with narcissistic wives.

Thank you for your elaboration. It does have great concurring insight to my very own situation.

    dan says March 27, 2022

    I too am a male survivor of a narc girlfriend. She would always say that her needs are high and expected sex almost daily, on her terms. If I didn’t accommodate her for any reason she would be upset and I would receive the cold shoulder for at least a couple days. However, if I wanted to initiate things she would give the “I’m too tired” or “I have a migraine” on some occasions. If I called her out on any of this I was the “bad guy”. I am so glad I got away from her and I am approaching 2 months of no contact and I am finally starting to feel peace in my life. These people really suck the life right out of us survivors!

Juanita M Jones says February 20, 2022

Your article was spot on. After the last damage, I couldn’t look at the narc, much less do anything else. I recognized them for what they were, old, ugly, fat, delusinal, unappealing, unattractive, and not worth my time.

    Theresa/Tori says February 21, 2022

    I totally agree…these people aren’t worth our time and once you see what they’re about there’s NO going back

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