Of the many maltreatments that partners of narcissists endure, discovering their partner is watching porn is one of the most upsetting. And with good reason…secretly watching porn while in a relationship is a form of infidelity if one partner is unaware that it’s happening, especially if it’s a topic that’s been discussed previously.
If it’s something you have to hide, you shouldn’t be doing it.
As a relationship coach, I can tell you that the introduction of porn typically has ill side effects. Even if a couple decides to watch pornography together, it often leads to unexpected results. One partner may decide they like porn so much that they start watching it without their partner; others might go on to develop unhealthy obsessions and begin contemplating taboo sexual practices.
While the introduction of porn may enhance the sexual relationship for a while, other elements of the relationship will often begin to suffer. Insecurities surface. Trust fades. The intimate bond between the couple tends to get weaker instead of stronger.
And there’s the fact that when we watch porn, we are contributing to human sex trafficking, including children.
With all of that being said, to each his own. If you’re single, a voyeur, or the rare couple who can watch porn without detrimental consequences, then this article isn’t for you (though there’s still the trafficking issue to think about). If you are single and watch porn, you may want to consider that you could develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Consequently, there is the possibility that you wouldn’t be able to perform when you encounter a real partner. (PIED is a common condition in narcissists, who then blame it on their partner for not being “desirable enough”).
I wish I had better news, but if your partner is a narcissist, they absolutely will not stop watching porn. They see no reason to. If you have discovered your narcissistic partner fapping, you can bet with 99% certainty that he or she also has online dating profiles and is probably hooking up with other people behind your back. At the very least, they are likely having cyber-sex with people they’ve met online.
Further, if you have discovered your partner watching porn, especially if you suspect they may be a narcissist, avoid the following destructive justifications (whether from your partner or from yourself):
Thoughts to Avoid Regarding Your Partner’s Use of Porn (the short list)
- Everybody does it; it’s no big deal
- At least he/she isn’t out cheating with a real person – or, “wouldn’t you rather I do this than cheat on you?”
- I can’t blame him/her, after all, I need to lose weight, anyhow
- He/she pays the bills, I should allow them to have “a little fun”
- Well, I haven’t been a perfect spouse, so I can’t complain that they are watching porn
- “If you had sex with me more often, I wouldn’t have time to watch porn”
- “Why are you taking it so personally? It has nothing to do with you!”
- “All guys masturbate to porn; I thought you knew I was doing it, too”
…and the list goes on.
To be fair, there are times when a person might turn to porn if they aren’t getting satisfaction from their spouse/partner. Ironically, some individuals are traumatized when they find out their partner watches porn, though they haven’t had sex with them in weeks or months. It’s one thing if they began to abstain because they caught an STD from their partner or discovered an affair. These are cases that would require trust-rebuilding and couple’s counseling…or, severing the relationship if there is a suspected narcissist involved.
However, if a person has stopped having sex with their partner because they’ve gained weight, are always tired, have lost attraction to their partner, etc., then one may need to be a little more understanding and work on ways to get the spark back in the relationship. A couple may even consider making their own videos together and/or solo for their partner’s viewing pleasure.
Those are just a few scenarios that might transpire in a non-narcissistic relationship. Not all people who watch porn are narcissists, but a large percentage of narcissists watch porn.
In closing, if your partner watches porn, mistreats you, degrades you, abuses you emotionally and physically, and engages in typical narcissistic behaviors, no amount of couple’s counseling or pleading will help. Further, narcissists are notorious for blaming their partners for their use of porn. Sadly, most victims go on to accept and normalize this blame. If this sounds like your situation, you’ll want to consider contemplating your exit plan.
