“Why can’t we just go back to the way things USED to be? The good times before we fought all the time?”
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve no doubt uttered this classic question more times than you care to admit.
Here’s the secret: There never was a “good time.”
What you remember as an enthralling and joyful period early in the relationship was actually a ruse of emotional manipulation to rope you into the narcissist’s trap.
Narcissists use something called love bombing during the beginning of their relationships in an effort to break down your emotional defenses, gain your trust, and later, to show you just how attentive and caring they can be – if only you’d behave correctly so they could show it more often, right?
Have you ever bribed your pet with a treat to give it a bath? Yes, it’s like that.
With some skill, you can identify love bombing in the early stages before the narcissist digs their claws in too deep. Here’s what this obsessive idolization progresses into and why it’s so dangerous.
Stage 1. Emotional Manipulation via Love Bombing
During the love bombing phase, the narcissist is setting you up for an addiction.
Just like drug dealers give away free hits to inexperienced users, narcissists shower their potential victims with praise, admiration, attentiveness, and even understanding as a first ‘high’ to show how amazing they can be as a partner.
They’re also using this phase to learn about you: what you like, what you hate, how to press your buttons, your hopes and dreams. They’re conducting recon because this intelligence comes in handy later once the narcissistic devalue phase begins. It’s called cognitive empathy, and it has the potential to be utterly devastating.
During this phase, the narcissist isn’t showing you their true self – if they did, you would (and could) run! They hide their true identity during this phase so they can dupe you into staying with them.
(The real kicker is that narcissists don’t have identities. They shapeshift to gain the admiration of whoever is closest to them.)
While most narcissists struggle to maintain this phase for more than a few weeks, it’s not unheard of for love bombing to last months if the narcissist believes the potential payout warrants it.
Signs of Love Bombing
Love bombing can take many forms.
It can involve shallow admiration like chocolates, flowers, and gifts. It can include deep praise about your best personality traits – and trivial aspects that no one else seems to notice! It can even include over-the-top displays of affection, seeming unconditional support, and understanding like you’ve never experienced.
Regardless, the narcissist is putting their short-term ego boost aside in favor of a long-term strategy to earn your trust. They consider this an investment in their future and they’re hoping for a big payoff as you begin to dispense inordinate amounts of narcissistic supply, whatever that may look like for them.
Stage 2. Narcissistic Devalue
Slowly but surely, the narcissist’s true personality will start to crack through the love bombing veneer.
It won’t happen overnight.
During the narcissistic devalue phase, the narcissist is testing the water with some insults, passive-aggressive responses, and gaslighting to see if you’re a good supply for their ulterior motives.
If you consistently stand up for yourself during this phase, they may even lash out and quit the relationship in a blaze of glory so they can portray themselves as a victim while they search out a better supply. You’ll hear you’re not worth the effort. They’ll call you “high maintenance” for demanding respect.
More likely than not, however, they’ll revert to the love bombing phase, along with intermittent snippets of narcissistic devalue, until they’re 100% sure you’re hooked. They want you to believe they can abandon you and find a new – better – partner at any time.
The stage 2 narcissistic devalue phase tends to last about as long as the loving phase lasted – typically a few weeks or months. The narcissist has a strategy. They know you won’t put up with their full-blown abuse quite yet.
What Does Narcissistic Devalue Look Like?
The devalue stage can be subtle and barely recognizable or it can be a total smackdown.
Did you storm out or keep quiet when they embarrassed you in public? Did you give their backhanded compliment the benefit of the doubt or call them out? Did you fire back when they said your work promotion wasn’t “really a big deal?”
How long did it take after the insults and devaluing for you to “come around?”
The narcissist is gauging your responses to their abusive behavior so they can nail down a future emotional manipulation strategy.
Stage 3. Full Blown Hate Bombing
Sadly, most narcissistic relationships end with this phase, so it can go on for weeks, months, or even years if no contact (or modified contact) isn’t implemented properly.
In most cases, the emotional manipulation is so strong and people are so blinded by love bombing that they can’t see the enormous red flags before it gets to this point.
During the hate bombing phase, the narcissist is letting their freak flag fly because they’ve caught you in their trap. This is where deep abuse occurs.
What Does Hate Bombing Look Like?
Since the narcissist now knows how to push your buttons, they’ll hurl tailored abuse at you daily and throw in snippets of love bombing to keep you hooked.
Yes, the love rationing will make a comeback – but ONLY when the narcissist thinks you’re about to walk out that door and ONLY for an absolute minimal amount of time. This is strategic. They want you to remember the good times.
Stage 4. Narcissistic Discarding
If a narcissist discards you, it can feel extremely painful due to their emotional manipulation but make no mistake: it’s a net positive.
Narcissists don’t tend to discard anyone completely – if at all. They’ll simply revert to love bombing until they believe you’re duped again.
However, discarding DOES happen – especially if they find a new supply right away.
What Does Discarding Look Like?
Simply put: You’ve caught onto them and become too much work when, to their great pleasure, they can simply latch onto someone else who’s much easier to manipulate.
Don’t be fooled. Most narcissists will never abandon you completely. They’ll hoover or give you the silent treatment. In any case, they’re setting up a situation where they can return to the relationship.
If you’re lucky enough to get discarded by a narcissist, it’s critical that you stay strong and keep no contact.
Love Bombing Always Leads to Hate Bombing
The narcissistic devalue cycle doesn’t necessarily run in a linear path.
Once the narcissist reaches the devalue or hate bombing phase, they will revert to love bombing just long enough to grab your attention. The narcissist knows that if they put you down and treated you like crap all the time, you would eventually catch on and leave.
They aren’t stupid. They know they need to shower you with love rations so you’ll believe they care and want what’s best for you. They need you to believe they can be good if you would just behave, obey them, and treat them like a perpetual victim.
The love showering phase will turn nasty at some point
It always does because it’s a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. The narcissist’s abuse cycles can be found on most sites dedicated to the intervention of emotional exploitation, such as this Power and Control Wheel by the Duluth Model. While this particular graphic highlights men as the abuser, women can be every bit as horrid and deceitful.
As the saying goes, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Healthy relationships don’t start with obsessive behavior – no matter how many movies glorify it.
Are you ready to break free from the pain and dysfunction but aren’t sure where to start? Narcissistic devalue behavior causes chronic PTSD so narcissistic abuse requires comprehensive recovery. Join us in The Break Free Program and start your journey to narcissistic abuse recovery! With your 30-day guarantee, there is no risk to explore the program and see what a difference it can make in your life.
