~ by Ven Baxter
What is a narcissist? ย First, hereโs my own definition:
Narcissist (n.) a person who deceives others in order to take, deplete, and consume their life energy (โsoulโ) because the Narcissist lacks it.
Next, letโs break this down and look at the Narcissist and the 5 Laws of Narcissistic Supply a bit more closely.
1.ย The Narcissist lacks life energy.
Itโs well-known in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery community that a Narcissist requires continual โNarcissistic supplyโ from other people.ย Thisย energy comes in visible forms such as time, attention, effort, and sex.
(Money is a tangible thing that we usually acquire by exchanging our energy for it.ย It serves several roles in Narcissistic abuse and merits its own discussion elsewhere.)
In other words, a Narcissist is dependent on other people for a form ofย energy that they have (and can give) but the Narcissist lacks.ย Thus, the Narcissist needs one or more human targets as sources of supply.
Without this energetic โsupply,โ the Narcissist experiences such emotionsย as boredom, irritability, panic, and/or rage.ย These resemble withdrawalย symptoms, so it seems that Narcissism can be compared to an addictionโa dependency on energy received from other people.
What is this energy?
It isnโt electricity.ย It isnโt food or nutrition.ย It isnโt sunlight or microwaves or gravitation.ย โNarcissistic supplyโ is another form of energy, one which can be exchanged between people and used in the process of human living.ย It can also be used up, hence the Narcissistโs continual demandsย for it.
I call it โlife energyโ.
2.ย Life energy is โsoulโ.
Non-Narcissists donโt require this energy from others because we produce it within ourselves and use it forย ourselves, sort of like having rechargeable batteries.ย We use this โlife energyโ to live and thrive as human beings.ย We also use the excess of it, beyond what we need for ourselves, as a sort of fuel to sustain ourย relationships.
If we run low on life energy, we have to replenish it by resting or โrechargingโ in some way.ย This is called โtaking care of you.โย We all need life energy just as we need food, andโalso like foodโwe donโt have anย unlimited supply of it.ย (Just ask anyone who has raised children.)
If we donโt have enough of this energy to give, our relationships suffer.ย When we continually give life energy to a Narcissist (or anyone else) who continually demands it, the giving of it drains us.ย Our supply becomes the Narcissistโs supply.ย Eventually, our relationships and even our health canย fail because our life energy, our vitality, is drained.
This is how Narcissistic abuse weakens the target, invisibly, from the inside out.
What is this โlife energyโ that is not electricity or food; can take the formย of time, attention, effort, or sex; can be depleted in the process of sustaining human life, health, and relationships; and can be shared or exchanged with others?
Basically, itโs emotional energy.
Emotion or feeling is a function of the heartโnot the physical muscle, but the non-physical inner โfeeling partโ of a human beingโs psyche.ย The heart, on a deeper level, is connected to the soul.ย (Another subject that merits its own discussion elsewhere.)
Many people who have been targets of Narcissistic abuse describe the experience as โsoul-crushingโ or โsoul-destroying.โย Some have said that the Narcissist โhas no soul.โย This is because of the Narcissistโs continual demands for emotional energy from others, depleting their life energy, their vitality, their โsoulโโฆas if the Narcissist lacks his or her own โsoul.โ
On the other hand, recharging our life energyโour emotions, our heart, our vitalityโmakes us FEEL good and strong on the inside; itโs โgood for the soul.โ
Narcissistic abuse is an assault on the heart and soul of a target.ย Ultimately, itโs an inner struggle between the target and the Narcissist, which is why other people do not recognize or understand it.
3.ย A Narcissist takes, depletes, and consumes other peopleโs life energy (โsoulโ).
Letโs look at Narcissistic abuse from the other side, from the point of view of the Narcissistโs target of abuse (his or her source of supply).
In โnormalโ or healthy human relationships, people give of themselves to each other with some form of mutual understanding or reciprocity.ย What we give can be in the form of time, attention, effort, or sexโand we tend toย receive these forms of energy from others in return.
In other words, โnormalโ or psychologically healthy people respect each other and reciprocate.
When we freely give other people our energy and expect no gift in return, we call this โloveโ.ย Love is how we share our life energy with our children.ย Itโs also how a (grownup) Narcissist expects and demands to receive it from others.
A Narcissist wants to receive other peopleโs life energy freely, without having to give anything in return.ย But the never-ending Narcissistic demand for supply is not love.ย Itโs the opposite of love.
Love gives freely.ย Narcissism demandsโฆfor free.ย However, unbeknownst to the target who is willing to give freely to the Narcissist, there will be no end to the giving, nor to the demands for it.
Children will eventually grow out of their normal โnarcissisticโ developmental stage and stop demanding supply, becoming adults who can produce their own supply.ย Adult Narcissists will not, because they are apparently stuck in the โnarcissisticโ stage of childhood growth forever.
A Narcissist does not (and cannot) respect his or her targetโbecause the Narcissist is not psychologically healthy.ย For whatever reason, the Narcissist doesnโt have enough life energy to give to others, or theย ability to produce or even sustain it.ย But the Narcissist can be quite good at faking it.
Indeed, pretending may be the Narcissistโs only strategy for survival.
4.ย The Narcissist deceives others.
Ideally, a person has enough life energy to fulfill his or her own needs andย share some with others in respectful, loving relationships.ย I like to think of this as like a cup being filled to overflowing and spilling over to others.
A Narcissist, lacking this life energy in his or her own cup, seeks it from othersโbut, having none to give in return, the Narcissist (like a child) can only take it.ย But the Narcissistโs โcupโ never seems to stay filled and always demands more, more, endlessly MORE.
No amount of giving to a Narcissist ever seems to be enough.
A human beingโs life energy is not unlimited.ย Most people do not wish to endlessly pour their own life energy into another personโs โcupโ on demand and deplete their own until (and beyond) the point of self-harm.ย Psychologically healthy people may be willing to sacrifice their soul forย love, but they donโt wish to sacrifice it for nothing.
However, since this is exactly what a Narcissist requires, he or she must, therefore, deceive other people into giving their life energy freely to the Narcissist.
Deception is the Narcissistโs primary (and also the easiest) way to get his or her โfixโ of supply.ย The ways in which this plays out in a close relationship is all-too-familiar to the target of Narcissistic abuse.
The Narcissist lies.ย The Narcissist cheats.ย The Narcissist makes โfutureโ promises.ย The Narcissist swears to God, on the childrenโs lives, on his or her own life.ย The Narcissist betrays.ย The Narcissist leavesโฆand then comes back.
No one likes to be lied to.ย When the target has had (given) enough, and the โfixโ of supply is threatened, the Narcissist lashes out at the target.ย The Narcissist belittles.ย The Narcissist blames.ย The Narcissist threatens.ย The Narcissist attacks, goes for the throat, desecrates the soul.
The Narcissist abuses.ย Why?
Itโs simple.ย The target of abuse is the source of supply.ย Abuse is how the Narcissist keeps supply flowing.
This doesnโt make sense, though.ย How does it work?
For a young child who demands attention (โsupplyโ or emotional energy) from the parent, even negative attention is better than none at all.ย Likewise, a Narcissist thrives on other peopleโs emotional responses to the Narcissist, whether positive or negative.
Sometimes this requires that the Narcissist provoke a negative emotional response.ย If this is successful (the Narcissist gets supply), and the target stays in the relationship (the Narcissist gets supply), the Narcissist hasโwonโ (the Narcissist gets supply)โand is assured that the supply will continue (the Narcissist gets supply).
And so deception leads to quite the powerful source of supplyโฆif the Narcissist has chosen wellโฆand the target proves his or her willingness to stay with the Narcissistโฆby enduring the Narcissistโs disrespect, lies, and abuseโฆwhich transfer the targetโs vitality to the Narcissistโฆas merely aย temporary โfixโ of supplyโฆand ruins the targetโs relationships and healthโฆand perhaps even damages his or her soulโฆall so that the Narcissist can continueโฆto be a Narcissist.
5.ย The Narcissist is a person.
Maybe a Narcissist is a broken person.ย Maybe a Narcissist is a hurt child, forever trapped in an adultโs body.ย Maybe a Narcissist is an extremely spoiled and abusive grownup.ย Maybe a Narcissist is an unfortunate soul, possessed by a demon.ย Maybe a Narcissist is a human being who has no soul.ย Maybe a Narcissist is a real-life vampire who feeds on other peopleโs life energy instead of blood.ย Or a human robot, or an alienย pretending to be human in a โsnatchedโ human body.
I donโt know.ย What I do know is that, for the purpose of dealing with a Narcissist, it doesnโt matter who or what the Narcissist isโor how he or she got that way.
Whatever we may think and feel about the Narcissist(s) in our lives, under every law of human society Narcissists are people and we must treat and regard them as people.ย This attitude towards them is absolutelyย necessary, for the protection of both ourselves and our children.
However, it does not mean that we have to pretend to ourselves that the Narcissist is (or behaves or thinks) like the rest of us.
After enduring the torture of Narcissistic abuse, it can be easy to see the Narcissist as a non-person: an evil, self-serving, all-consuming, slippery, sneaky, lying, sadistic shell of a creature that only looks like a human beingโฆbut has no real person inside.
This perception may be true.
Nevertheless, we must remember that Narcissists have the same rightsย under the law that we do, as human beings, as adults, and as parents.ย We may be all-too-familiar with his or her ability to make up liesโand believe them wholeheartedly, with a convincing emotional displayโbut in a court of law, the Narcissistโs word is as good as ours.
Therefore, we must remember (and be able) to back up our words withย facts.ย We must be able and prepared to have documentation and evenย witnesses whenever we know weโre dealing with a Narcissist, especially when we have children with one.
We may not like it, and may not even know it, but to a Narcissist, we are the enemy.
Not only the enemy, but alsoย food. ย Aย potential source of energetic supply.ย A Narcissist is a predator, like a lion or a crocodileโnot someone to โhealโ, or help, or be more patient with, or give the benefit of a doubt โthis timeโ or (yet) โanother chanceโ (to consume you).
What does this mean and how to violate the laws of narcissistic supply?
Never forget that for all practical purposes, and in the eyes of everyoneย else, you are dealing with a person as decent and rational as yourself (and often, based on appearances,ย even more so) when you are dealing with a Narcissist.
Therefore, your best bet is toย just stop dealing with the Narcissist as much as you possibly can, right now.ย You cannot win a battle for your soul when the battle itself destroys your soul.ย So fight as little as possible, get as far away as you can, and stay there.
This is the only way to win.
Once you are away from the Narcissist, your life energy can begin to recharge, your vitality can start to return, your cup can start to fill again, and your soul can begin to heal.ย Only then can you be any good to anyone else, because only then will you have enough energy to take care of yourself AND share with those who both need and deserve it.
Fighting with a narcissist will only empower the narcissist and weakenย youโand people you care about, too.ย If you continue to fight with a narcissist, you will not be able to help others, or even yourself, as you will be feeding them narcissistic supply, while remaining dead-center in the narcissistic vortex.
How To Stop Feeding Your Energy to the Narcissist and Begin Healing:
Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But itโs likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift. Our beautiful community includes people in varying stages of their healing, and several who are celebrating their anniversaries of no contact!
I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in myย narcissistic abuse recovery program, which has been voted a favorite by professionals in the psychological community.ย Therapists refer their own clients to this program.
Discover the strength inside you to overcome crippling emotional pain, defeat helplessness, and create a meaningful, fulfilling life.ย ย The Break Free Programย will give you the exact strategies to help you discover the key to transformational healing and overcoming the addiction to drama and trauma.
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Author Bio โ Ven Baxter lives in Florida, where he works as a canoe outfitter, teaches, writes, and enjoys being father to his three children.ย
