when the narcissist downgrades after you

What to Do When the Narcissist Downgrades After You

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If you’ve left an abusive relationship and gotten rid of the narcissist in your life—first of all, congratulations! You are no longer the narcissist’s supply and can begin living a full and free life.

But sometimes people get out of a relationship and start seeing the narcissist with someone else, either online or in person. And maybe you perceive them to be a downgrade. These thoughts and opinions can make you feel self-doubt and confusion—what’s wrong with me? What does this new supply say about me?

This kind of talk is common on discussion forums online, with people expressing confusion about when the narcissist downgrades in their next relationship. Since it’s a common discussion, I explored it in-depth in a recent YouTube video. Check it out or read on here to look further at this idea and how you can respond.

 

Why Are They a Downgrade?

When we look at someone, we automatically make judgements based on things like their appearance, how they dress, their career, or their possessions. This is part of human nature and natural observation.

The problem is when we assign value to someone because of those things. At the end of the day, those external things do not determine a person’s worth.

So, when people talk about someone else as a “downgrade,” it is making a quick, unfair judgement about a person without really knowing very much about them. When you see the narcissist with someone else you consider a downgrade, you don’t know their full situation or story. Automatically looking at someone as a downgrade is a judgmental place to be in, rather than an open and compassionate place.

The Narcissist and Their New Supply

Instead of looking at someone as a downgrade who’s with a narcissist, we should consider that they are actually just the next source of supply for a narcissist.

For a narcissist, there is no “downgrade” or “upgrade”—just supply. Because they don’t care about what someone looks like, much less who they are as an individual. Instead, they are looking for something else, like:

  • Money, property, and other possessions
  • Sex
  • Power and control
  • Connections and networking

And these things don’t have to be correlated to looks or something else. In fact, many narcissists will date models and celebrities, parading them around like arm candy at a party. But after the party’s over, there’s no special treatment towards them.

There’s nothing that will “keep” a narcissist except for the supply they’re after. It’s just about the supply.

A Cautionary Tale: You Could be the Downgrade

Looking at someone as a downgrade comes from a place of judgement—you don’t know their story. The reality is that many people have lost everything from a previous toxic relationship with a narcissist. Because of toxic relationships, people often lose their jobs, turn to drugs or alcohol, or lose custody of their children. These things might be considered “downgrade” qualities.

But here’s the thing: that could be you.

If you stay in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you could also lose your job, family, looks, or anything else. And perhaps the next person the narcissist ends up with will look at you as the downgrade.

So, let’s have compassion and empathy—we don’t know people’s stories and what brought them to the current place they’re in. And if they’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they’ve likely experienced trauma and toxicity that led them to a negative place in their life.

You can’t know the person’s full story, but you do know that a narcissist will do anything for a fix, for their supply. Upgrading or downgrading is not an important concept to them as long as they are getting what they want from a relationship.

Conclusion

If you are looking at the narcissist’s new supply and considering them a downgrade, first ask why? What are you perceiving that makes you think this way?

Then come to a place of compassion and understanding—you don’t know anything about them and their story, and it’s judgmental to make quick assumptions about their value because of their appearance of other external factors.

More than this, it has no reflection on you—you’ve escaped the narcissist and are no longer their supply. So, they’re going elsewhere to find it. But if you continue down the same road with a narcissist and keep them in your life, you could be the “downgrade” and you could be the one struggling.

Instead of spending too much time thinking about the new person, focus on avoiding narcissists and building back your own life.

To dive deeper into this topic, check out the full YouTube video dedicated to it. You can also see my full selection of videos related to narcissistic abuse, breaking free from toxic relationships, and ways to heal.

Personally, when I left my last toxic relationship several years ago, I forced myself to be alone for a long time.  During this period, I did lots of healing work that I outline in The Break Free Program.  I surrendered and accepted that I hadn’t been willing to walk away when red flags began popping up.  I learned my coping schemas and discovered how to overcome my triggers.  I did energy healing, both alone at home and also through energy healing practitioners.  I overcame the financial PTSD that I’d developed from losing my finances and being forced to start over.

These are the same steps you can take.


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6 comments
MEA says January 27, 2023

Although it was obvious to anyone that she was less attractive and less classy than me, I maintained compassion and I never judged my ex’s new wife until she abused our daughter. They both abused our daughter. My ex lost his parental rights over this abuse.
So, I think in my case, it’s fair to say the ex made an extreme downgrade.

Reply
Judy says November 16, 2022

Thank you!!

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M says October 15, 2022

Also, to add to my point…my ex’s new supply is unattractive (just being honest) but I’ve come to see that she is actually a nice person.
She has a good job in the medical field, she is a good mom to her daughter, and she seems to have a kind heart.
I think my ex (and his toxic army of followers) fooled her with lies about me, because otherwise she is somebody I wouldn’t mind being friends with.
I can see now that like myself, she is a good person who fell in love with a bad guy. She seems to have been unaware of his real character (he died in 2016).

So my views on her have definitely changed for the most part. Now a few years back? Let’s just say that my words about her would have been more harsh and scathing.
But it stemmed from a place of hurt. It wasn’t her fault that my ex and his family/friends abused me, or that she was the new supply, but hating her (although I didn’t know her) was the only way I could deal with my pain at the time.

I don’t think this is wrong or judgmental, per se…it’s normal to vent and to make observations about the new supply.
Where it becomes a problem is if we become obsessive about it, or if we bully the person in some way.
Me personally, I never confronted her or said anything to her. But I did check her social media often (don’t recommend doing that) and I’ll admit…my thoughts about her were not kind back then.
I would look at how fat she was, how bad her teeth were, how unappealing she seemed overall. I think I was just trying to understand how and why he would discard me for somebody like that. So I was guilty of seeing her as a “downgrade” and that was wrong…but for some people, it’s part of healing.

I’m happy to say that I don’t see her in that way anymore. I have a more neutral and indifferent attitude about her now.
She is just a person who is trying to live her life. She didn’t do anything to hurt me…it was the narcissist using her to make me feel bad.
And to some extent she went along with it, but I don’t blame her anymore. I think she wanted love and she was thrilled that he made her feel special, and she didn’t see him for who he was because he didn’t show her that side of himself.

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M says October 15, 2022

Agreed, Kim. You shared lots of wisdom in this post. I think that as people, we all tend to compare ourselves with others in terms of “better” vs. “worse”.
To do so is perfectly natural…but as you said, it’s not always kind to do that.

I also think people tend to do it from a place of hurt. Not to be malicious, but more from hurt and trying to make sense of why the narcissist devalued or discarded them for somebody who doesn’t (outwardly) seem to have much to offer.
Because a narcissist will tell their victim (the old supply) “you’re bad, you’re stupid, you’re ugly” etc…only to move on to new supply that actually DOES fit that description (as cruel as that sounds).

But you’re absolutely right. Maybe the key is to realize that the new supply isn’t the problem, and that it is only a matter of time before the narcissist hurts them too.
Because of that, we shouldn’t hate them or focus on them. I’ve done that from a place of hurt and anger, but it wasn’t healthy.
I don’t think we owe them compassion, so we differ slightly on that. But I think maybe if we can arrive at a more neutral feeling about the new supply, it might work.

Like maybe this person does have redeeming qualities that are not immediately obvious, or maybe they have been fooled by the narcissist also.
Maybe if we frame it in that way, it can be a bit more healing.

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Olivia says September 5, 2022

Or you could just say, ‘oh well, I was obviously too good for them’ 😉

Reply
Olivia says September 5, 2022

Or you could just say, ‘oh well, I was obviously too good for them’ 😉

Reply
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