Narcissism is one of the most insidious character disorders in existence.
It’s often difficult to recognize, especially in your own children. You might feel as if there’s something just a little off about their behavior, but finding that your child might be a narcissist is difficult to accept.
It raises all sorts of feelings for you as the parent. Where did you go wrong? What could you have done better, if anything?
It’s vital to remember that there is no definitive science that points to you as the cause of your child’s narcissistic tendencies or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Many narcissists develop their narcissistic traits without any traumatic experience and share the same exaggerated sense of self, grandiosity, and entitlement as others of their kind. Further, we’re now learning that what we originally believed about the origins of narcissism is not entirely accurate.
So then, what could be the cause? How do you recognize it, and more importantly, how can you deal with it?
How to Know if You’re the Parent of Adult Narcissistic Children
We once believed that children who had adverse childhoods with abuse, neglect, and parental indifference had the foundation to form a narcissistic personality. However, based on current neuroscientific understanding, children born with a brain pathology affecting empathy would experience emotional trauma differently than a neurotypical person, though they may still feel some form of distress or negative impact from traumatic events. This means that events that normal children would experience as traumatic do not have the same emotional impact on children who have a narcissistic brain structure.
However, the environment that narcissistic children grow up in can make their narcissism worse.
For example, it’s a fact that many children with the foundation for narcissism have a narcissistic parent. The narcissistic parent may punish their children for crying, shame them for experiencing fear, and even quell them when expressing ‘too much’ happiness.
For this reason, narcissistic children who grow up with a narcissist in the home typically end up on the high end of the narcissistic spectrum.
There are a few signs of narcissistic behavior that parents should watch out for:
- Inflated ego: The narcissist has a huge ego. Narcissistic adult children demand that you do what they want, try to control you, and push every boundary. Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy.
- Need for validation: A narcissist needs constant admiration. Often, they need praise for simple tasks, like making an appearance at your birthday party. You may find yourself giving your narcissistic adult child an inordinate amount of praise over something that’s a normal and expected part of family life.
- A sense of entitlement: The narcissist feels entitled to things they should have to work for. For example, they may demand ridiculous things like financial support well into adulthood. Or, tasks they should be doing themselves, but you find yourself performing…such as doing their laundry and folding their clothes, filling out their job applications, calling into work sick for them, or fixing their breakfast or lunch to take to work.
- Exploitation: A narcissist acts without conscience, thinking only of themselves. They lie, trick and steal to get what they want. This exploitation can be glaringly obvious or very subtle, so be on the lookout if you feel used. This may manifest as their throwing temper tantrums, blackmailing you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, trying to entice you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blaming their behavior on you.
- Distorted thinking: A narcissist occupies a fantastical world where he or she is the greatest and most important person in the universe. In order to maintain the fantasy, narcissists lie. They often deny things that are obvious. They may make up fantastical tales to support the fantasy.
- Unpleasant personality: Contempt and belittlement are the narcissists’ tools of choice. When they feel threatened by success, they get mean. Watch out for those who are constantly putting down other people’s accomplishments. You may find your narcissistic adult child talking badly about their friends behind their backs, but pretending to care for them when these same friends come around.
[convertkit form=6134019]
How Normal Toddlers Grow to Become Adult Narcissistic Children
Narcissism is a condition that has genetic roots and abnormal brain wiring that manifests more clearly in adults. However, doctors are reluctant to diagnose and treat the disorder in people under 18. That’s because it can be tricky to discern whether the behaviors listed above are the result of narcissism or normal childhood development phases.
So how did this happen? There are a number of probable causes for narcissistic behavior:
- Genetics: Inherited genetics are believed to be the reason for the development of narcissism. That’s why it’s so important not to have children with anybody who shows signs of narcissism in the first place. They could pass this disorder on to the kids.
- Neurobiology: There have been some studies on patients with diagnosed NPD that show that neurobiology plays a role in narcissism. A narcissist’s brain simply doesn’t work the same way as yours. They observe others’ feelings, yet feel no empathy.
- Environment: Certain familial environments nurture this disorder. They include living with a narcissistic parent in an absence of love and affection, or in a highly competitive environment. Neglect, abuse, and even excessive idolization of a child can exacerbate a child’s existing narcissism.
How to Manage Your Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Children
Dealing with a narcissistic adult child is a lose-lose situation.
When you face off with your adult child, you only want to help them. But you can’t. While narcissism in childhood can’t be cured, it can be addressed so that there’s a chance their narcissism will be less severe. Once your child is no longer a child, it’s often too late to treat the disorder.
The narcissism is a part of their personality. It’s an extension of themselves. They have no desire to get “better”. They don’t see that there’s anything wrong with them in the first place.
Changing Your Point of View
Narcissists genuinely believe they are perfect, and so have no real desire to change. You won’t help them become better people. You’ll only be able to help them reach selfish goals, often at your own expense. That’s not really helping anyone.
So how do you get out of this lose-lose situation and make it a win-win?
By taking away the hyphen. It is not a double-sided situation, with your outcome on one hand and the outcome for your child on another. The outcome for you is what you must think of. Your adult child’s outcome is his or her own responsibility now, not yours.
Stop seeing things from your adult child’s point of view, because their point of view is likely selfish and irrational.
Acceptance
As hard as it is, stop fighting. Acceptance of your child’s personality and behavior doesn’t mean that you go along with it, giving in to their demands. Quite the opposite. It means accepting that your child will likely never change while standing up to their exploitative behavior.
Recognize that you love them dearly. Accept that they likely do not and cannot love you back. Realize that no matter what you do for them, it will never be enough. This will save you a lifetime of heartache and is the only way to protect yourself.
If you keep trying to change the relationship, your child will keep fighting you. Likewise, if you continue giving in to their demands and allowing them to use you, you’ll never find happiness.
Let them know that this is the way you feel. Don’t listen to their arguments, and don’t believe their proclamations about changing.
Isolation
Oftentimes, the only surefire method in dealing with a narcissistic adult child is cutting off contact, if not for good, then at least for a good length of time. It’s incredibly difficult to do this, especially when it comes to your children.
Block your child’s phone number. Be prepared for them to contact you anyway and be ready to walk away. You must steel yourself against their reaction. When you decide enough is enough, make sure you have a support system of loving family and friends around you.
You can also join a support group that caters to other victims of narcissistic behavior. It can help exponentially to talk about your feelings and find strength within a group.
Eventually, your child might get the message and stop fighting you.
Dealing with Your Adult Narcissistic Children Means Taking Control of Your Life
Dealing with an adult narcissistic child is painful and difficult. However, confronting the problem is something you have to do to improve your own life and stop the cycle of abuse. The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior, or to cut off contact.
To learn more about narcissistic behavior and how to break free from it, check out our online courses.
Remember, you have the power to change your life and build the resilience you need to overcome this.
