adult narcissistic children

How to Deal with Adult Narcissistic Children

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Narcissism is one of the most insidious personality disorders in existence.

It’s often difficult to recognize, especially in your own children. You might feel as if there’s something just a little off about their behavior but finding that you’ve raised a narcissist is difficult to accept.

It raises all sorts of feelings for you as the parent. Where did you go wrong? What could you have done better?

It’s vital to remember that there is no definitive science which points to you as the cause of your child’s narcissistic tendencies or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

There are several theories which may explain how these traits develop, and one maintains that having a parent who is narcissistic can lead to some children developing the disorder themselves. But, due to there being such a divide amongst the psychological community, it may be a while before this theory gains more momentum.

But until then, what could be the cause? How do you recognize it, and more importantly, how can you deal with it?

How to Know if You’re the Parent of Adult Narcissistic Children

Children learn how the world works through the almighty lenses of their caretakers, and research rooted in attachment theories shows that. When a caretaker attunes appropriately to the child’s feelings and needs, the child subsequently experiences safety and security.

However, in narcissistic families, children experience repeated incidents of their parent misattuning, misaligning, or downright ignoring their feelings. The parent does not validate the child’s emotions; the parent validates whatever is in the parent’s best interest.

The narcissistic parent may punish children for crying, shame them for experiencing fear, and even quell them when expressing ‘too much’ happiness. In other words? Children learn that their feelings are erratic and unsafe. They learn that they are a source of problems.

For this reason, many children grow up believing that feelings must be suppressed. To achieve this suppression, we see many children of narcissists struggle with substance use, eating disorders, self-harm, and other impulsive or compulsive lifestyles.

After all, if they’ve experienced compounded years of condemnation for having feelings, why should they feel safe within their own emotional selves?  In many cases, this can cause a child to form the narcissism defense mechanism.  (In other cases, children will form the codependent defense mechanism).

There are a few signs of narcissistic behavior that parents should watch out for:

  • Inflated ego: The narcissist has a huge ego.  Narcissistic adult children demand that you do what they want, try to control you, and push every boundary. Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else.  They say your job is to make them happy.
  • Need for validation: A narcissist needs constant admiration. Often, they need praise for simple tasks, like making an appearance at your birthday party. You may find yourself giving your narcissistic adult child an inordinate amount of praise over something that’s a normal and expected part of family life.
  • A sense of entitlement: The narcissist feels entitled to things they should have to work for. For example, they may demand ridiculous things like financial support well into adulthood. Or, tasks they should be doing themselves, but you find yourself performing…such as doing their laundry and folding their clothes, filling out their job applications, calling into work sick for them, or fixing their breakfast or lunch to take to work.
  • Exploitation: A narcissist acts without conscience, thinking only of themselves. They lie, trick and steal to get what they want. This exploitation can be glaringly obvious or very subtle, so be on the lookout if you feel used. This may manifest as their throwing temper tantrums, blackmailing you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, trying to entice you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blaming their behavior on you.
  • Distorted thinking: A narcissist occupies a fantastical world where he or she is the greatest and most important person in the universe. In order to maintain the fantasy, narcissists lie. They often deny things that are obvious. They may make up fantastical tales to support the fantasy.
  • Unpleasant personality: Contempt and belittlement are the narcissists’ tools of choice. When they feel threatened by success, they get mean. Watch out for those who are constantly putting down other peoples’ accomplishments. You may find your narcissistic adult child talking badly about their friends behind their backs, but pretending to care for them when these same friends come around.

How Normal Toddlers Grow to Become Adult Narcissistic Children

Narcissism is a condition that forms early on and manifests more clearly in adults. However, doctors are reluctant to diagnose and treat the disorder in people under 18. That’s because it can be tricky to discern whether the behaviors listed above are the result of narcissism or normal childhood selfishness.

So how did this happen? There are a number of probable causes for narcissistic behavior:

  • Genetics: Inherited genetics are believed in some cases to be the reason for the development of narcissism, which oftentimes forms in childhood. That’s why it’s so important not to have children with anybody who shows signs of narcissism in the first place. They could pass this disorder on to the kids.
  • Neurobiology: There have been some studies on patients with diagnosed NPD which show that neurobiology may play a role in narcissism. A narcissist’s brain simply may not work the same way as yours. They process others’ feelings, yet feel no empathy.
  • Environment: Certain familial environments seem to nurture this disorder. They include living with a narcissistic parent in an absence of love and affection, or in a highly competitive environment. Neglect, abuse and even excessive idolization of a child can contribute.  Most children who grow up with a narcissistic parent in the household typically either become narcissists or codependents as adults.

How to Manage Your Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Children

Dealing with a narcissistic adult child is a lose-lose situation.

When you face off with your adult child, you only want to help them. But you can’t. Narcissism develops during childhood. Once your child is no longer a child, it’s often too late to treat the disorder.

The narcissism grows to be a part of their personality. It’s an extension of themselves. Therapists say that some people with narcissism don’t even know they have it. These people have no desire to get “better”. They don’t see that there’s anything wrong with them in the first place.

Changing Your Point of View

Narcissists have managed to delude themselves into thinking that they are perfect, and so have no real desire to change. You won’t help them become better people. You’ll only be able to help them reach selfish goals, often at your own expense. That’s not really helping anyone.

So how do you get out of this lose-lose situation and make it a win-win?

By taking away the hyphen. It is not a double-sided situation, with your outcome on one hand and the outcome for your child on another. The outcome for you is what you must think of. Your adult child’s outcome is his or her own responsibility now, not yours.

Stop seeing things from your adult child’s point of view, because your child’s point of view is selfish and irrational.

Acceptance

As hard as it is, stop fighting. Acceptance of your child’s behavior doesn’t mean that you go along with it, giving in to their demands. Quite the opposite. It means accepting that your child will never change while standing up to their exploitative behavior.

Recognize that you love them dearly. Accept that they do not and cannot love you back. Realize that no matter what you do for them, it will never be enough. This will save you a lifetime of heartache and is the only way to protect yourself.

If you keep trying to change the relationship, your child will keep fighting you. Likewise, if you continue giving in to their demands and allowing them to use you, you’ll never find happiness.  

Let them know that this is the way you feel. Don’t listen to their arguments, and don’t believe their proclamations about changing.

Isolation

Oftentimes, the only surefire method in dealing with a narcissistic adult child is cutting off contact. It’s incredibly difficult to do this, especially when it comes to your children.

Delete and block your child’s phone number. Be prepared for them to contact you anyway and be ready to walk away. You must steel yourself against their reaction. When you decide enough is enough, make sure you have a support system of loving family and friends around you.

You can also join a support group that caters to other victims of narcissistic behavior. It can help exponentially to talk about your feelings and find strength within a group.

Eventually, your child will get the message and stop fighting you.

Dealing with Your Adult Narcissistic Children Means Taking Control of Your Life

Dealing with an adult narcissistic child is painful and difficult. However, confronting the problem is something you have to do to improve your own life and stop the cycle of abuse. The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. 

To learn more about narcissistic behavior and how to break free from it, check out our online courses.

In the Break Free Bootcamp, you’ll have the opportunity to connect with other parents who have discovered that their adult children have become narcissists.  Many of the same approaches and boundaries used with other types of narcissists are largely the same ones used with narcissistic children.  

Remember, you have the power to change your life.

Your healed life starts with one step...


Claim your free Email Recovery Course and Healing Roadmap. Includes expert advice and tips for encouragement and support. * Seating in my masterclass: 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell PLUS +* How would your life be different without narcissistic abuse? * 30-Day New Life calendar + more!

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69 comments
Leona says May 26, 2020

How does one deal with this behavior when the adult child uses your grand to use against you to get what they want?

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Robyn says April 18, 2020

It’s hard for me to feel sympathy for those that have previously commented. I know that “it may be awhile” before we have a “definitive science which points to YOU as the cause” because there has never been a cause for any psychological illness. Causation is never used to diagnose mental or most physical illnesses. Correlation, on the other hand, is nearly always used as a measure of understanding illnesses. Should you like to know the correlation (probability, for all you non-intellects) YOUR narcissistic child and YOU, dear parent? You decide. In every journal about NPD, events of one’s childhood has a overwhelming impact in shaping the adult mental mechanisms. The other common thought-to-be cause is genetic makeup. The genetic material during the translation process of DNA replication and growth. The ability to properly or adequately synthesize specific enzymatic proteins that aid in the breakdown of serotonin.

Your NPD child was raised by YOU and or the partner/partners YOU chose. And your NPD child literally has a combination of YOUR genes. Sooooooo…..why are you avoiding the self-reflection? Oh that’s right, you’re most likely narcissistic or controlling yourself.

I understand the frustration for parents that adopt a child with NPD and that forever struggle will be one that you will probably spend the rest of your life fighting for.

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Trish says April 6, 2020

Thank you so much for this helpful information. How do I protect my mom from my malignant narcissistic sister who manipulates her and is abusive financially. My mom is aware of my sister’s mental disorder, but feels sorry for her. It’s a bad situation especially since my dad just passed away and my sister manipulated my mom into giving her $80,000.00. She has done nothing for mom in her life. My mom has done everything for her and she just wants more. Now she’s 48 and it’s the worst I’ve ever seen. As the sibling, she’s totally fake to me and lies to her kids about how horrible I am. But I’m more concerned for my mom’s well being. Can I do anything legally to protect my mom?

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    Kim Saeed says May 18, 2020

    Hi Trish, I am so sorry that you and your mom are experiencing this. I would recommend contacting an attorney to see if you have a case for elder abuse. As far as your mom ‘getting it’, that’s a sad and tricky situation. Abuse victims have to see and accept it for themselves. I hope you are able to get some sort of relief for this situation. Big hugs. XoXo -Kim

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Rosemary says March 23, 2020

My husband and I weren’t able to have children and it was very difficult for us to accept this. We eventually adopted a little girl who we love dearly and we spoilt her and still do. She has a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I became aware from reading about narcissism that my daughter had all the signs of a narcissist accept for the substance abuse. Today I’m not coping to well with her as she has hurt me to much, all I wanted was to love her and to receive her love back but that has eluded us. I love my grand children and I worry about them being alone with her but their is nothing I can do, I protect and love them as far as is possible. but I I give up with her, i’m not going to fight for her love anymore it hurts to much. i’m accepting it’s never going to change. I will just keeping praying for a miracle.

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Noreen Watson says March 20, 2020

I appreciate the comments made on this blog. It gives me courage to pull the plug on my 45 year old daughter who has abused (verbally and financially) and hurt me more than I could ever imagine. At times it felt like my only option was for me to ‘leave’ life. I have put my home up for sale and ready to move a 1000 miles away. I will never let her contact me again.

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    Kim Saeed says March 23, 2020

    Noreen, I am sorry for what you’re going through. Sometimes, parents have to make the difficult choice that you’re making. I am glad, though, to learn about your plan to make a new life for yourself. Sending prayers your way for a gentle path forward.

    Hugs,

    Kim Xo

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    Joanne says April 25, 2020

    I made the move 3,000 miles away 2 years ago away from my son who I now understand is a covert Narcissist. He has essentially cut off contact with me and others in his immediate family. I still believe I was the best move I could make for my own emotional self preservation and happiness.

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Kathi McGough says March 6, 2020

My son fits these traits. Despite my subsidizing/“rescuing” him numerous times, he has become increasingly disrespectful and insulting. I have finally decided that I can no longer enable him and have permanently disconnected from him. He is a drug addicted con-artist and, as a 38-year old adult who completely rejects any suggestions, he is beyond my power to help. I thank God that both of his daughters are safe and do not have to depend on him. I love my granddaughters but am completely done with him. He will sink or swim. Either way, I no longer care.

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    Cynthia Herbert says March 11, 2020

    I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point of no longer caring. He is my only son and I miss him so much.

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Jessica says January 30, 2020

I just found out that my son has NPD. And then I realized that they were all around me my whole life! His father, I knew was a chronic liar and womanizer, my mother, sister, step-father, sister-in-law, ex-boyfriends, feeding off me and my family like vampires!

I was just diagnosed with C-PTSD, too. I had no idea!!! I was previously misdiagnosed with BPD and bipolar which just made me feel there was something wrong with me.

Now I know that my parents screwed my brain up making me suicidal and co-dependent and now it’s all on me to fix their abuse paying $100/week for therapy on top of the $25/week for light treatment for my autoimmune disorder, likely caused by the stress of the abuse.

I tried my best to raise my son better than I had it. I never abused or neglected him; my fault was being terrified.

Terrified of what his father might do, terrified of raising my son by myself, terrified that I was never going to earn my mother’s love, terrified of dating as a single mother, most of all terrified that my son might turn out like his father. I actually thought of myself as confident and strong-willed, but I was really afraid.

It seems that my C-PTSD was picked up by my son. My best guess is that if his NPD isn’t just genetic, that he felt a disorganized attachment to me feeling unsafe and fragmenting his Self.

Not to mention that yes, I complain a lot. When he was young, I thought we had a fun, stable relationship. It wasn’t until he was getting into trouble every day and acting more aggressive toward me, sabotaging the parts of his life I used to compliment. I know I acted passive aggressive. Complaining was a way of avoiding asking for what I want/need.

Truly, I was afraid of him. He is 6’3″ and I am 5’5″. I wasn’t conscious of any of this, either. Plus, he didn’t have the maturity to say, “hey Mom, will you stop being so critical? I could sure use more encouragement from you.”

So HE exploited and abused me for years. I had no idea. It was so subtle until now.

Passive disobedience, smoking pot to suppress his internal rage, taking whatever he wanted, exploiting my bad memory, word salad, spreading lies behind my back, guilt trips, depression, suicide threats, thinking his first draft on school work was perfect, serial dating, hints of homosexuality, always having to wear cool, new clothes, etc.

He had been diagnosed with ADD. He experienced nine deaths in one year, traumatic, including my husband, his step-father, so a lot of grief and loss.

I tried to get help from the school but they enabled him. I got him into grief group and individual therapy repeatedly. Therapy generally doesn’t work for NPD, especially when they don’t know what they are dealing with and the patient thinks he’s perfect.

The last straw for me was when he violently shoved me and made me miscarry! He ran away never making amends. Even admitting he didn’t want to work things out with me.

Recently, my son just discarded me. His own mother. He has a new “mom.” Ok, maybe that’s a blessing. Honestly, it’s so much more peaceful with him living somewhere else. Now I am finding out he was abusing his younger brother, too, who was too afraid to tell me!!!

The very worst, my son got another narcissist pregnant, they just had the baby, and they are cruelly using the baby to hurt me. I nearly committed suicide. I am in anguish for that baby having to grow up like me with neglect and abuse.

The mother starved herself so she couldn’t breastfeed the child because I complimented her on breastfeeding!! That is how sick they are, because my son is going along with it. She was overweight when they met, kept losing weight through the pregnancy, then it looks like she lost all her baby weight plus 20 pounds in one month!!! My son bragged about “finally a successful bottle feeding.” How long did the baby go without sustainance??? I can’t do anything. They threatened to get restraining orders and call the police if I step foot on their property. For no reason other than I wouldn’t apologize to his girlfriend for the time SHE screamed at ME!!! They are jealous I want to spend my attention on my grandson.

I wish I had known all this 20 years ago! I just spent all my energy raising my son the best I could to be a good citizen and asset to society, but I inadvertently just unleashed another vampire on the world!!!

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Emma says December 27, 2019

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I will give you a brief background of my story but I feel so grateful to read this.

A few months ago I threw out my 17 year old narcissist daughter. She turns 18 next month. She was incredibly abusive (physically and emotionally) from the age of around 6 onwards and I had tried to get her professional help for around 2 years with no luck. While living with us she displayed every single trait that you described.

I believe her biological father to be a narcissist and perhaps she inherited it. We had a very abusive relationship which I finally ended when she was 4. He also displayed the traits listed here.

I have had many moments of feeling guilty over throwing my daughter out. Members of my family have made me feel awful about cutting contact with her which I’ve had to do for my own sanity but nobody understands that. They can’t understand how a mother can do that but living with her was so hard every day. It feels like I’ve left an abusive relationship.

She has been in contact many times since. I’ve had to block her on social media. She has the same pattern. She starts by saying how much she misses me so I reply. Then she says she is starving and needs money (I know she received money) if I say no she starts the manipulative talk about how awful I am. Then she becomes nasty and abusive. Just like she was when living here.

Anyway sorry for the ramble! I just wanted to thank you for posting because this is the only advice I’ve read about cutting ties. It hurts to do it but I know it’s the right thing to do so thank you.

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    Kim Saeed says December 30, 2019

    Hi Emma,

    You’ve done a brave and courageous thing. Many people have had to cut ties with family members, and sometimes their own children, for the very reasons you shared.

    If you were involved with a narcissist during her formative years, then there’s a high chance she formed narcissism as a defense mechanism. Unfortunately, we didn’t know anything about how this could affect children back then. But, now we see that children who grow up in a toxic environment either form narcissism or codependency, both of which are defense mechanisms. Codependency can be overcome, but so far, we have no documented cases of anyone being cured of narcissism.

    I know it’s hard, but you have done the right thing for your own sanity and well-being. We are not obligated to keep toxic, cruel people in our lives, regardless of who they are. You deserve to live a life of peace. Other people may not understand, but that’s okay. They aren’t you and they haven’t lived your experiences. You don’t need anyone’s approval to do what’s best for yourself.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
    Anonymous says February 9, 2020

    Thanks so much for sharing as I am going through the same thing.♥️

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    Wendy says February 14, 2020

    I am rryingl to come to terms with this after years if abuse making allowances for mental health problems ie ADHD but as a grown up adult with a beautiful daughter its making me sick with worry how this is impacting on my grandaughter.

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      Kathi M. says March 6, 2020

      My son is a drug addicted con artist and a narcissist. After he destroyed his marriage, lost his house, got evicted from the place he rented and ended up living in motels that I foolishly subsidized, I made the decision to have his oldest daughter removed from his custody. I can no longer protect him, but I can protect her and, thankfully, she now has the security, nurturing and structure she needs with her aunt and uncle who are in the process of legally adopting her. It was a difficult decision, but I have no regrets.

      Reply
Louise says December 16, 2019

Why does my son hold a grudge about one of my friends who said sorry and then at a function was very rude to this person and my self .. I was in tears . He spoilt the lunch and made a fool of me in front of my friends .He said I should of warned him that this person would be present . The particular incident happened months ago and I didn’t invite this person who just wanted to be nice and enjoy the day like the other people who were there. He stormed out after some very nasty comments to me and this other friend. I feel like an idiot now and as Xmas is close I also feel the loss of my only daughter so much. She passed away 9and a half years ago . She was 23. My son is 37 now. The void in my heart for my daughter will never be filled . I have given so much to this son but I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. I have another son who lives far away who I have little contact with. Sorry this comment is so verbose but I am just so terribly sad .

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    Anonymous says February 9, 2020

    Oh Louise, I have the same situation. I lost a son 15 years ago when he hung himself at age 19.😪 Lately, I have been experiencing with my only other son, narcissistic signs & just discovered on my own, he’s a heroin addict!! His dad, my ex, & grandparents had talked him into moving from (me) Maine to Alabama, only 2 weeks after our other son’s funeral! My ex let him come & go anytime, etc. I didn’t want to put my son in the middle, so I said ok, a month later from his brother’s funeral. They have lied to me & kept everything from me. My new husband won’t go down with me & my son doesn’t want me to fly down. Probably, because he’s scared of me putting a damper on things. My family doesn’t support me & I feel so scared, lonely & helpless. 😭

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HurtMama says November 14, 2019

I have a 21 year old son who I am still paying for him to have a roof over his head; but I had to put him out of my house when he turned 18. He lives now in what he calls a “dump” because, well, its not the cleanest or most favorable of areas…but the truth is , I knew he wouldnt help me pay HIS rent and it was all I knew I could pay on my own. I am a well educated, loving mom, who did my best in raising my two kids, but my son turned out to be more than I could have ever handled. Just like his father– who I had to divorce when he was only one. My daughter is a well rounded, loving individual who unfortunately has had to battle kidney disease and lupus, thus another reason my son had to leave my home. He would stress her ( and me) out so bad, that her lupus would flare. He is rude, mean, uses foul language, breaks things, throws tantrums, is lazy, didnt want to work, ruined 2 cars that his grandparents and I gave him to try to give him a “head start” in life. He’s wrecked both. He’s irresponsible and cruel. Ive had to pay for attorney fees to get him out of trouble, Ive had to pay for a cell phone for him for years, and his lack of responsibility is just out of control to try to take care of himself is overwhelming. The last words he said to me were F**k this place, F**k you and I hate you. He’s never been kind to me and Ive tried very hard to get him counceling and psychiatic help– to no avail. He keeps saying theres nothing wrong with him…but I feel there is. He smokes weed and drinks and is finally holding a job down ( 3 months–longest ever) Its probably because Ive completely cut him off. Ive blocked his number and I told him that having him out of my life has brought me a great deal of peace; because it has. He was a full time, 24/7 issue. Always lacking in responsibility and extremely entitled, but not even in a nice way, almost always in a demanding way. My heart has been broken in a million pieces as I never saw this happening to me in my life. I was raised by loving, christian parents. I too am a devout christian and Ive tried to “forgive and move forward” many times, but never successfully. Ive googled every possibility on why hes like this and I just cant put the pieces together. I kicked him out at 18, he’s now 21 and we just dont speak. He wont call home or even come visit. Its like he hates everyone. He’s miserable and hates life. His main comment to me when we use to speak was ” I didnt ask to be born” ” I hate this life”… Ive tried counceling for myself but at the end of the day I know that nothing but Jesus can transform this situation. Thanks for reading and if you have any suggestions on moving forward and releasing this pain as a broken mother, I would truly appreciate them.

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Kay Bradley says November 9, 2019

My daughter woke me up text me to call her at 6:00 this morning telling me to call her it when to voice mail, then she text me back with never mind she always does this me way when she wants something. She is thirty nine and always wants something from me if I don’t give her way she has done all the things you said they would do I have moved about four hundred miles away l not that Accessible to her now and she really gets upset I’m at my wits end and I do feel guilty how can I stopped all of this

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Anonymous says November 8, 2019

So how do i deal with a narcissist?

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Broken Hearted Grandma says November 7, 2019

I raised 4 Daughters who were loving, caring compassionate children. Their Father and I divorced when they were young and I foolishly met and married a narcissist. To make a long story short, I am now recently divorced from him and he completely destroyed my life.
My Daughters ALL turned into selfish emotionally abusive adults and each of them have either been in or now are in abusive relationships or marriages. It’s hard not to blame myself because I did not get them out of the toxic environment before it could damage all of us.
I was left with two options when the narcissist discarded me which were to move into my pickup truck (which I am going to end up doing anyway) and staying with one of my daughters solely because she needed a babysitter.
I have been there since January and there is no doubt that the sweet affectionate loving little girl she used to be has become a narcissist too. She has been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for about 15 years which produced my Grandson. I foolishly allowed myself to bond with him and I will soon be forced to do the equivalent of chopping off my own arm because my survival depends on ending the relationship with her. Heartbreakingly, that means my Grandson, who is almost 5, will also pay the price.
She is 34 and I am almost 60 and she treats me like a child.
She has a Yorkie and I have a Chihuahua/Weinerdog and while walking them the other day, her dog (who is always on a leash), almost ran out in front of a passing car. I told her about it when she got home that evening and her reply was “Good, I hope she does get ran over!”
I never thought it was possible to hate your own child but I hate her and have had enough.
My point is, I now firmly believe it is possible for a formerly kind person to be turned into a narcissist if they remain in an abusive relationship with a narcissist long enough.
Based on the fact that when she reached adulthood, my daughter still had kindness in her heart. Only after remaining with my Grandsons father did she become completely heartless.
It’s pretty bad when the prospect of living basically homeless appeals more to me than living in a toxic environment with amenities such as running water, air conditioning, electricity, internet and an actual bed.
The ex and I were buying a home and the court gave him 100% of the marital home even though I am disabled and receive less than $800 a month and he makes almost $3,000.
I literally do not trust anyone anymore. And it kills me because my absolutely wonderful sweet caring little Grandson is being turned into a narcissist as well because he is never told no and anything he wants he gets.
The only person I have any positive influence over is myself and I’ve had all I can stand from someone who could not give two shits about me. I stayed in the marriage long after I wish I’d realized that love doesn’t always fix everything 😭
I’m just trying to grey rock until February. I’ll be 60 on my birthday and the best gift I will receive is from myself and that is to create an environment where I will never be mistreated by anyone ever again. I’ve had more than my share of abuse and trauma and I am DONE automatically trusting people. From now on, my trust has to be earned to be allowed into my life!

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Sharlene says October 10, 2019

I have to say. I am still in the grips of what destroys every piece of rest I seek. I am reminded of something i seen 30 years ago. A friend said why dont you have a child Shar. I remember my response. I was in a car wreck alone. The jaws of life behind me. In shock and covered by blood. Not mine and no way out.

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Anonymous says October 6, 2019

Agreed Teena!

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Anonymous says October 6, 2019

I just want to say thank you for 99 percent of the comments and stories I have read on this blog. I also have a 29 year old narcissist daughter. She had showed signs of this disorder since around the age of 2. I have been around alot of children and babies in my life because I am the youngest of 6 siblings. I also have babysat for several children. I have never witnessed the non emotion or bonding quality that my daughter possesed. She litterally made me feel like I was no better or closer to her than a stranger on the street. I will admit I wasn’t the perfect parent but I tried my best to be. It just seemed like at a very young age she fought me on everything. From putting bows in her hair to the shoes I chose for an outfit I put on her. Nothing I did made her happy ever. When I gave birth to her brother she had mixed emotions about him but as an adult she claimed she raised him. She has portrayed me to her friends as a horrible mother! she is accusing me of treating her growing up like she is doing to her own 5 children. She thinks she is doing a great job as a mom but in reality her house is disgusting she had 4 boys in 5 yrs and pretty much locked them all in one room of her house with a tv and access to thier bedrooms. None of which I never have done with her! Also she married a man that is nothing short of a monster from a horror movie and very abusive to her and my grandchildren. CPS has been called on her numerous times! I have never had them called on me not once! They did nothing! She still is living exactly the same with the same monster of a husband. And has a hoarding issue with animals whom most wind up abused and neglected or dead! She has called me several nasty names through her years growing up and laughed at me when I cried from her mental abuse towards me. I had birthday parties for her every year none of which were appreciated and on her 16 the birthday I did a Paris theme and bought her a pug puppy that she wanted as a surprise. However she didn’t like him because he was older than what she wanted. He was only 3 months old! But older than she wanted. She ignored that dog and one time he escaped from my car when I got out to go to the store. I was by a busy street and he was running straight for it. My daughter was with me and wouldn’t help me catch him. She said let him get hit!! No emotion at all. I have to stop writing because there’s way more to my story than what I can possibly reveal in a post. To sum it up.. I now have no contact with her However I miss my grandchildren dearly. And hope to one day see them again when they are old enough to visit me on thier own.

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    Helen says December 30, 2019

    Such a sad story. I hope that you grandchildren will be ok. But, I am afraid that the research indicates they can only become adult empaths or narcissists. Please try to take care of yourself & have a good life 🍒🌈 xxx

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Tanja says October 5, 2019

One of my adult son is a narcissist. He really didn’t show his true colors until 2 years ago. He said some pretty awful things to me that really hurted my heart as his mother but learning about Narcissistic people made the no contact a little easier for me to let go of him. I haven’t spoken to him in 2 years and haven’t seen my grandkids either but that’s the price I had to pay in order for me to go on with my life. He thought I was going to reach out to him after he gave me the silent treatment and he realized that I wasn’t going to contact him. He tried once after a year of his silent treatment but I didn’t answer nor contact him to see what he wanted and I never heard from him again. It probably was to ease his mind but I wasn’t buying it. I love my son but he is grown and that the choice that he made and I had to accept it as much as it hurted me but after awhile the hurt does go away and I have continued to live my life without him in it. My son already knows that he has broken our relationship and I hope and pray that he finds his happiness but as his mother I can no longer be around him because I don’t trust him, I don’t believe him and I am fine with how things are. I guess my son was shock when he learned from his siblings that I haven’t spoken about or wanting to know about him in 2 years. That is his cross that he have bear.

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    Mom says May 18, 2020

    I could have written this.

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Tanja says October 5, 2019

One of my adult son is a narcissist. He really didn’t show his true colors until 2 years ago. He said some pretty awful things to me that really hurted my heart as his mother but learning about Narcissistic people made the no contact a little easier for me to let go of him. I haven’t spoken to him in 2 years and haven’t seen my grandkids either but that’s the price I had to pay in order for me to go on with my life. He thought I was going to reach out to him after he gave me the silent treatment and he realized that I wasn’t going to contact him. He tried once after a year of his silent treatment but I didn’t answer nor contact him to see what he wanted and I never heard from him again. It probably was to ease his mind but I wasn’t buying it. I love my son but he is grown and that the choice that he made and I had to accept it as much as it hurted me but after awhile the hurt does go away and I have continued to live my life without him in it. My son already knows that he has broken our relationship and I hope and pray that he finds his happiness but as his mother I can no longer be around him because I don’t trust him, I don’t believe him and I am fine with how things are. I guess my son was shock when he learned from his siblings that I haven’t spoken about or wanting to know how him in 2 years.

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Janet says October 4, 2019

Thank you for this post! It’s just what I needed…..

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Rosa Symeonidis says October 3, 2019

Thanks

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Terry Olsson says September 30, 2019

I was separated from my alcoholic husband when my daughter was 3yrs. She showed signs of NBD by the time she hit grade 1. All hell broke out for the next few yrs …..tried many options to help her….she then turned her back on me at 15 and went out west. I have been a broken woman, almost going mad with pain and sorrow about this abandonment. She is now 31 with 3 young sons. I moved out west to be near my grandkids but her abuse continues. I never connected her selfishness, disregard, unaccountability and lack of any understanding or empathy to NARSSISSIM. God help me. Now i have left everything i loved behind and live in British Columbia with nothing except hopefully a relationship with my grandkids. I am 68 and would kill myself quite easily if it weren’t for my grandkids.

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Roger says September 20, 2019

I have a narcissistic daughter who is recovering from a drug addiction. She is constantly seeking validation online, and she’s always posting selfies with ‘duck face.’ Everything is me, me, me. She has a habit of coming into my life when she needs something, usually money, and walking out of it whenever she feels like it. This is the third time I’ve allowed her to walk back into my life, and, even though it took a while, she goaded her mother into asking me to send her money for a wedding dress, so she can marry a guy she met a month ago. She’s already living with the dude. Of course, I said I just don’t have the money, even though I do. I just don’t see the sense in sending money for a marriage to someone you just met a month ago. Besides, my daughter just came back into my life a little over 2 months ago. After I said no to the dress, my daughter has lost interest in talking to me. She has texted me once, feigning concern over not hearing from me. I responded that I’m fine, and I asked how she has been doing. I haven’t heard from her since. I’m ready to just cut her out of my life for good. She is 26, and she has no direction in life. I’ve tried to get her to go to college, but she isn’t motivated. Her social media accounts are all filled up with pictures of her and her boyfriend, and sexually explicit comments that they make back and forth. Even their friends complain about it. It’s strange. She’s a total narcissist, but she has no self respect. Honestly, I was at peace before she contacted me, and I don’t think it’s healthy to remain in contact with her. It’s obvious she’s just here to use me for money, and to impress her boyfriend, who pushed her to contact me again. The other times, she was the one who pulled the plug on the relationship. This time, I’m ready to pull the plug.

Sorry if this is meandering, but I’m just typing what comes to mind.

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    Jo says October 3, 2019

    Hi
    My daughter is now 40 and sounds exactly like you have described your daughter.
    She has come in and out of my life usually in when she is down and become unstuck by her lies and actions that have caused her problems.
    I now have decided to stop the revolving door with her.
    Ofcourse it is all my fault !!!!
    I have cut all contact means with her. I know it will be hard as it means not seeing my grandchildren but it’s something I have to do for me.
    Take strength that you are not alone with your situation.

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Hazel says September 16, 2019

I was a co- dependent wife and mother, my daughter. Very early on would throw temper tantrums and embarrass me in front of cashiers, wherever we went. I believe she wanted people to not like me, because she saw me as weak. This went on as a teenager she began bullying me, to make me seem weaker and her more powerful, she had the same dominating personality as her father. Now she wants to control all of my other children by bringing up past mistakes and laughing about them to make me feel I’m an inferior parent. She used to hit me and beat me as a teen, and I allowed this because I felt sorry for her after my divorce from her father and couldn’t give her the things she wanted .i look back now and realize how I should’ve taken control , what is the best way now that she is in her 40’s and I’m 70?

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    julie says October 6, 2019

    From what I’ve read, it’s too late. And I myself, will probably in your shoes before too long as my 17 yr old daughter has zero empathy for me and views me as weak because I suffer from Complex PTSD and have not been able return to my normal productive self yet. She has so much promise. It’s so sad to think it will all be wasted if she is in fact a narcissist. My heart will be crushed. I will never forgive my narc ex for all the damage he caused us.

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Leanne Schwantz says August 28, 2019

I am at my breaking point I need to stop the abuse from my daughter and ready to cut off contact but I have a 4 year old granddaughter that would be involved with too I’m so scared

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Dorie LaRue says August 1, 2019

My son is a narc. His father was and his aunt. I am trapped in paying his rent. He does not work. If that were the only problems I could gladly cut him off. But at fifteen he was diagnosed as Schizophrenic. I have no doubt this is true. Totally illogical thinking. Cannot hold a job. He is living in my rent house free. He had a roommate who kept the place up and paid the utilities and provided some regulation. But my son is an addict and he is getting worse. So his roommate is moving out and I am worried.

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Kathy says July 22, 2019

I have a narcissistic son in law. I married his Dad 8 yrs ago. The yr prior to our marriage. I seen the relationship between the 2 of them. After a little time past. I noticed his son being very disrespectful. As this point I asked my hushand why does he treat you so badly. He really never gave me an answer that particular day. I didnt have much conversation with my son in law. But when I did he was quite charming. Im still confused of course. So on day I just asked. What is going on? It was very long discussion about his son. He told me to be aware of him. He has a severe anger problem. Mind his son is a grown man. After the long conversation we had. I had discovered that his son had totally control of him before our married. Giving him anything weather he could afford it or not. Going debit. He stopped doing for him that after we got married. Told his to get a job. Start taking care of himself. He went to jail. Doing drugs. Told us he was homeless and hungry. Made our life a living hell. Phone calls all hours of the nite. Cuss calling us name. I could go on and on. We finally came to realize we had to break all ties with him blocking phone social media even losing friends. This is a terrible thing. We love him. But we feel we didnt have a choice.

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cynthia hinds says July 6, 2019

im not sure this is the right place but could use some direction. My adult daughter claims I am a narcissist. This couldnt be further from the truth. She has now cut me out of her life and I cant stop mourning. please help guide me to support if you can.

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    Zuleika says October 6, 2019

    Dear Cynthia,

    I feel your pain. I have three children, two of whom have a mental disability. My so-called “normal” one actually is much worse off than the other two. Long, long story short, she wrote a 30-page diatribe about how I am the narcissist and faxed it to my husband’s workplace. Fortunately, my husband have been married for decades and are the best of friends. She was living 5 states away when this happened, and by New Year’s almost three years ago, she had said she would never let me see her get married, or have children, there would be no vacations, no coming to my funeral. So far, she cut me out of seeing her graduate from college, and this July, got married without inviting us or her siblings. It hurts like hell, and I thought I would never get over it. To me, cutting off your family completely (her whole extended family as well) is just so not done. It is so unadult. Hey,, family is family, in my book. But I started thinking eventually, and realized that this did not really happen overnight. I have not been happy with her behavior for years. I had hoped it would get better once she moved to college and would finally start apreciating us. It only got worse. She can be very cruel to myself and even to her friends. I think they are sincere, but she is not. I have told her (hoping it would help snap her to awareness) that, while I love her, I don’t like what she stands for. I have finally accepted that, when it all boils down to it, it is very simple. If I met her as a non-family member, I would never want to be her friend. We went out of our way, though, to make sure that it was SHE who dumped us, because she has such an abandonment issue. But once she did it, our family became a lot happier. No more drama. No more being treated like dirt. No more mean and nasty comments. Sure, I would love if things had not turned out this way. Family was everything to me, even as a child. But when someone doesn’t want you that badly, it is just not worth it. I wouldn’t put up with her nonsense for two seconds with anyone else. So I see that I, too, am only interested in holding on because she is my daughter. I missed her wedding, but she was always secretive about her boyfriends before. She never really wanted my opinion about clothing styles or china or houseware patterns anyway. She really didn’t act like a daughter to begin with. Maybe this sounds cold, I don’t feel cold. I am just sharing how things really were. Were they that great before for you? I will certainly miss any grandkids. I never had any grandparents and I worked really hard to make sure that my kids had a relationship with theirs while they were alive. But she wants me out of the picture. Well, God has been good to me, and I have tried to share all that goodness with her. If she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t have to have it. I need to share with the two other kids I have and anyone else who needs what we have to offer. That is all we can do in life. I hope she has whatever experiences she needs to turn herself around and have a genuinely wonderful life, but she has built her so-called dream life on sand. I wish both of us well.

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    Brenda says May 14, 2020

    My daughter claims I am the narcissist as well.
    And it could be no father than the truth.
    Also cut of contact with me out of the blue no warning.
    She just moved out she didn’t take anything not even a change of underclothes?? This was in October.
    Thanksgiving I talked her into taking her underclothes.
    The whole time I was cleaning her room out of her clothing and other belongs of hers.
    I didn’t finish until after Christmas.
    By Christmas my real relationship was more than strained. And it was my fault.
    She came for her clothes some time in February
    And it’s now middle of May and and she still won’t talk to me
    She’s now pregnant and living with her boyfriend.
    I think he’s turned her against me?
    I’m so heartbroken I cry a lot I fell like I cleaned out the room of a child that was gone. It’s a terrible feeling all I want is our relationship back to the way it was I don’t care who’s fault it is or why it’s happened I just want my daughter to love me again

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Cheyenne says May 5, 2019

I stood up for myself today with my narcissistic daughter and am experiencing a nasty lashing out from her on her fb page. I refuse to let her live with me again after 2 failed attempts – she is 29 – and I had her blocked until today when she emailed me that she needed to talk to me. I unblocked her on fb and saw a comment about her wanting to find her siblings in Germany and accused me of standing in the way of her reconciling with them which is not the case. I do not know where they are. She has pulled my half sister into this drama. My half-sister hates me because I found her dad who is my dad as well 20 years ago (I was adopted) as she does not want a sibling (I am 57, she is 50). Now they my sister is making up the story that 15 years ago, I had left my daughter with my dad and stepmom in Georgia to run off to CA to reconcile with my then husband, that she had to search for my daughter’s paternal grandmother in AZ, that she paid for my daughter’s flight ticket to AZ and that I had left my daughter for my then husband. In reality, my then husband and I lived in Georgia with my daughter at that time, my daughter’s behaviors were out of hand, her teacher suggested I get her to a group home for girls, I said no I do not want her in the system so I called her paternal grandmother in AZ, I paid for the flight ticket and I got my daughter to Savannah to the airport and waited until the plane took off. My sister has the nerve to gaslight our parents by telling them they do not remember the events correctly, that her version of the events are correct and I had persuaded our parents that it happened the way I just described (the way it really happened not my sister’s version). I don’t understand how people can do this kind of thing, My sister does not care that I had crappy adopted parents, that I had cancer, am struggling with Meniere’s and balance dysfunction, am almost deaf – she wants to destroy my good relationship with my dad and stepmom, the only parents I have and am close to. My bio mother rejects me to this day. I think my sister is a narcissist as well (my parents have described her as incredibly selfish and that they are paying for their mistakes in how they raised her now). I decided today that this is it, that I will not be in touch with my narcissistic daughter ever again. She is also disinherited and she told my sister this. I am heartbroken. My peace of mind is more valuable however than being in touch with her and being continuously abused.

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Sasha says April 28, 2019

I have a narcissistic son and daughter in law. I have never seen two more controlling people. They feed from each other and she knows when to push his buttons to make him come and involve me by bringing up something I didn’t do for them years ago. She finally got hat she wanted, a wedge between my son and me. I didn’t realize just how narcissistic He was until he blew up at me. I am almost 70 and feel like I am at the age where I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I am done and can’t…don’t want to deal with the whole situation anymore. Oh and there are two grandchildren that I know they will keep away. It’s sad, because I am sure our relationship has now been destroyed. I don’t want to go through all of this again.

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    klara says December 11, 2019

    Oh, I have found someone with the same. I over idolized my son when my kids’ father died at a young age, leaving me a floundering widow. He is nothing short of vicious, and now is married to an even more vicious narcissist if that’s possible. His explosive behaviors towards me, her explosive behaviors towards me, and the lies told behind my back are crippling me. I have cut off contact but they continue to disrupt my life by contacting my other family members and spreading the most incredible lies imaginable. I’m not even in the places they say I am and they have a gossip/smear campaign going that is meant to cut me off from everyone. Honestly, cutting them OFF has made it all WORSE! Together they are a force and can’t seem to get my image out of their minds. I speak with no one, afraid of what was said behind my back, afraid to face the world sometimes as they actually moved closer to me now. I’m so lost. Cutting them off is painful enough but it hasn’t stopped anything at all for me as not knowing what they are saying is terrible as it does come back to me eventually and I’m ashamed of being made fun of and lied about.

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Thea says April 26, 2019

This is such a painful process to go through, my mother is narcissistic and I was the scapegoated child, my sister the golden child. I grew up confused and feeling worthless and having no idea of boundaries. I went on to marry a sociopath unknowingly of course, and had a daughtera few years later.
From about the age of four I think she developed narcissistic traits took advantage of her friends viewed herself as always right (others always wrong) and became very selfish and demanding. While she was growing up I gave her plenty of love and support and tried to make her feel valued, because I didn’t want her to go through what I did as a child, despite everything she has rejected me with empty promises and devaluing comments even stating when she was 18 years old that she was like her father and not like me! felt like a stab in the heart.
Over the years she witnessed her fathers abusive behaviour both physically and psychologically towards me. I try to have very minimal contact with her and and always come away feeling a complete emptiness inside.

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    johnny says June 3, 2019

    My wife and her mother are both narcissists and I am glad you aren’t one and realize their problem. All my children are one now too. Its very easy for a mother to raise a narcissist while destroying a father’s role. God is the only cure.

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      Ann says October 6, 2019

      I’m glad you know the only real help

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Anonymous says September 26, 2018

I had to go no contact with my narcissistic daughter almost 3 years ago. When I decided to leave, my second granddaughter had just been born. I had a very close relationship with my oldest granddaughter who is now 5. I cry constantly because I wonder what she thinks? She probably thinks I abandoned her. The abuse to me was way too toxic. I was not the perfect mother, I spoiled her but I married a narcissist and between the two of us, we created the perfect storm for our only child. I am also the daughter of a narcissistic father. It runs on both sides of our family (husband’s mother is high on the scale as well). I miss my daughter, or at least who I thought she was. They wear so many masks. Seeing information like this helps. I have deep empathy and sadness for my granddaughters who are left in my daughters abusive clutches. I will reach out when they get older. Thank you for this article.

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Kirsten Witherell says September 21, 2018

My ex-spouse (14 years married, 10 years divorced) is a sociopathic narcissist and my 22 year old daughter is borderline/NPD. I have just come to accept that she really is. I was, like most caregivers, hoping she was just immature and would ‘grow out of it’. She lashes out, has no remorse for anything she does or says, steals things without any conscience, lies, is two-faced and extremely hurtful. There is a long trail of broken relationships- friendships, romantic relationships, and even worse, close family relationships in which her aunt and cousin have nothing to do with her any longer. It breaks all our hearts to have to keep her at arms length, but I’m tired of the abuse. I’ve allowed it because in some way, I felt that any relationship was better than nothing, especially since my ex has done his best to alienate both my children from me. But what am I getting out of this relationship? Just pain. She can be sweet as pie when she wants something, and then will turn on you in a heartbeat, no matter what you’ve done for her in the past, she doesn’t seem to care. She never apologizes. She feels like whatever her distorted belief is for being upset is law and truth, when she has no factual evidence to back it up with.

It is extremely painful for me to do this. I just got remarried to a wonderful non-NPD man. We’re hosting a big family reunion/happily ever after party in a few weeks, and I’d purchased a plane ticket for my daughter. After a huge outburst where she was swearing at me, and saying things no child should ever say to their parent, I need to let her know that enough is enough. If she doesn’t feel remorse for what she’s done/said, then it’s best she not attend. The last thing I need is for her to act out at our party.

I’d love to hear from others dealing with their adult children with NPD/Borderline disorder. It’s so heartbreaking, but I know I need to protect myself and immediate family from her so we can live a happy life as best we can without her. I will always love her, and my heart is very heavy, but the abuse has got to stop.

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Debbie Lewis says September 9, 2018

Can you pls help me more about how to deal with a Narcisists adult child..

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Holly C says June 4, 2018

I don’t miss the bullying, I miss the the lost potential. I really miss my grandchildren. Toward the end, knowing they would be his ultimate weapon. It is.

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    Kay says October 20, 2019

    Holly,

    This is my greatest fear for my ex’s mom. I’m pregnant with his child and thankfully are separated for good. In the time I have been with him he lashes out at his parents when he is not getting what he wants, barely makes time for them or does simple things like buying a birthday card. She has been very distraught over the thought of our separation but I know she has a fear of losing him so she continues to enable him. Now I am even fearful of her because she is one of his greatest enablers and I have gone completely no contact with her and her son.

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Sarah A Negus says May 23, 2018

Teena,

Very odd post. I was a very naive 20 year old when I met my now deceased (killed himself) ex husband. Raised in a normal Loving family. My gut told me something was not quite right…..but my hormones, and insecurities around my looks etc, aka low self esteem (at least in the attractability Dept), at the time overruled…….I ended up, two children later left alone as I called him out on his lack of ability to be #1 a father and 2 to be a loving decent person….Well after the fact, his Mother (a saint) told me to leave him..My children were loved, nurtured and cared for as well if not better than any child….I have encountered more than one couple, who adopted….who, despite providing amazing love, care and example of good….. nevertheless whose child did not in turn take and emulate those qualities and behavior. I mean NO disrespect or judgement when I say Teena, somehow you may either be NPD yourself……or were raised by 2 people who were of that ilk….That said, and from my experience and extensive research……you may in fact be one of the offspring of two “cluster B’s”…..that took from two grandparents the healthier non disordered genetics…..For that if the case, I’m happy for you…..But make NO mistake. Loving, good parents CAN and do give birth to a “bad” seed……through no fault of their own,

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Teena says May 22, 2018

It’s extremely unlikely that a narcissist would emerge a family environment that isn’t saturated with narcissistic thinking. Narcissists’ parents have rigid hierarchical world-views, worship excellence and success (however they define it) and teach their children that those who don’t measure up deserve maltreatment. Love is highly conditional. Children come to see the world through their parents’ eyes develop defenses against parental withholding and devaluation. Good parents don’t produce narcissists. Good enough parents don’t either. I’m sorry, but if you have a narcissistic child you don’t get to feel sorry for yourself.

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    Cheyenne says May 5, 2019

    As I was raised by narcissistic adopted parents who were rigid, inflexible, judgmental etc, I have become the opposite. This made me easy prey to narcissists. I didn’t even know that my adopted “parents” had been narcissists until I was 45 years old and learned that it had not been a normal environment. Thus, I was with a narcissistic husband for 13 years, most of her formative years (4-14 years old), she learned it from him. She has the same lifestyle he had (not working, then changing jobs all the time, living off people, feeling entitled, demanding and if her demands are not fulfilled, temper tantrums and threats – she threatened to beat me up today – living in peoples homes, things falling apart there, she blames her roommates, goes to the next friend, friendships fall apart, she is an addict). I am almost deaf, she used my deafness by sneaking around at night whenever we were alone. It has been a very difficult many years. So, it is usually one parent or stepparent who contributes to it. There are also children who are narcissistic because their brains are differently wired. I have a masters in forensic psych with focus on personality disorders. Your response is harsh. It is not always both parents, it is sufficient when one parent (or in this case stepparent) has NPD. Children raised by narcissistic parents often become empaths and thus easy targets for narcissistic partners.

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      Ayi says May 26, 2019

      Thank you Cheyenne. As mother 2 children with an NPDfather, I came here seeking support. That comment stung, and so reading you reply was balm to my soul. Thank you.

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    Lois Goodman says June 5, 2019

    Good parents can and do produce narcissists. i totally disagree with Teena. We made a monumental mistake with our eldest. when she was 2 yrs old she threw her first tantrum. we attended parenting courses and the educator told us to praise praise and praise. try to ignore the bad… yeah right. it created the monster. im telling you that too much praise and trying to make sure she had a high self esteem did the damage. 3 more children all brought up the same and only one narcissist. our life has been hell as now she has withdrawn contact with our grandchildren as some grandiose punishment for us.

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      Devastated Mom says September 17, 2019

      This is our situation EXACTLY. Catered to her and created a monster. 3 children, but she is the only one who turned out this way. We are very close to cutting off all contact. She is only 18, but has been exhibiting this behavior since toddlerhood. Just a heartbreaking situation all the way around. Sorry you are going through it, too. 🙁

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    Sunny says August 23, 2019

    We dont have to get nasty with each other. I have read extensively on the subject,(literally over 100 books, endless articles, and anything online I can find). There does seem to be a genetic component called “trait genes” scientists have identified according to articles I’ve read, now in addition to that, it can be made worse on the spectrum based on their early childhood experiences etc… That being said, some children are raised by narcissists and DO NOT become narcissists themselves and vice versa. I think part of the problem is the DX of NPD cannot be made before 18 but it is crucial to make the DX earlier if a difference is to be made in the persons life. I go back over my son’s life and there was always something different. In preschool the teachers told me he pushed a little girl off a big wheel and then drove off with it not looking back. The teachers said there was something wrong with him. I remember how upset they were, I was crying, what is wrong with him? My husband convinced me they were over reacting and pulled him out of the school. He was 3 years old. I remember using this book called teaching your children values and each month we would practice thing like”truth” etc… I brought him to church, went to CCD and taught classes. I am willing to look at myself but I am telling you honestly, I did my very best to love, be patient, treat kindly, set a good example, went to parenting classes, read books on parenting and discipline, was supportive went to all the activities, said the rosary with him in morning before school. I loved/love him. I still do. My husband had a father who died in his 30s-who we suspect was a narcissist based on information from the family. I think we are still understanding the brain, personality disorders, genes etc… I believe that NPD is likely like Autism with emotions, processing etc… But people who have it seem to be very high functioning in many areas of their lives. But imagine being incapable of true connection with another person, love, empathy, compassion. The vindictiveness and ability to inflict pain on others without a second thought to meet one’s own needs. To watch it as a mother is horrible and then to have some blame you as if you dont feel bad enough.Unlike the NPD person, I am capable of shame, remorse and guilt. It is as though we are doubly victimized. I wont go into the horrors of have a child for the last 25 years with this. I think due to good parenting and love my son has never been involved with the law, been in prison, or drink alcohol. But he doesnt feel like you and me.No matter how much I love him he will not and cannot ever love me back.

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      CC says October 4, 2019

      That was my thinking too. Is it autism or narcissism? Both have similar traits. My son worries me that he has no love to give. Or else can’t express it. Or else is just a boy who’s not matured yet and his anxiety levels overpower any depth of feeling he may have. He has to be prompted to hug, he doesn’t think of others, he is obsessed with trains, planes and timetables. He only cries of he doesn’t get his way.
      His dad is either a covert narcissist or has aspergers… I can’t decided but I don’t care anymore since he abandoned us, had two affairs simultaneously and hasn’t seen his kids for nearly 3 years. Doesn’t ask about them. I’ve to strong arm him but his girlfriend email address to pay child maintenance and embarrass him into doing it. I don’t understand why he doesn’t care. I also suspect him of harming my daughter when she was a baby as after the last day he seen her he had a supposed breakdown and she howled every time her nappy was changed. I reported it but I had no energy to put my kids through more trauma and investigations. He fled after this. My gut tells me he harmed her. I despise him. Yet was with him for 20 years, since teenagers so my evolving relationship with him meant I didn’t pick up on the clues. I just thought he was a man child and shit a providing. He had over 30 jobs in 30 years. I’ve had 1. He never asked about bills yet would buy himself loads of Nike trainers. He didn’t adult. Now I see it as he felt entitled to do what he liked with no concern for others. He pretended. Then he couldn’t anymore…. He told me I was collateral damage. Enough said!

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        julie says October 6, 2019

        CC, your ex husband is a narcissist. He sounds just like mine. I’ve been around people with both Asperger’s and covert narcissism. Covert narcs are evil, malicious and have an agenda to make you suffer once you know what they are and are no longer a source of fuel for them. Asperger’s have all the emotions including empathy. They just struggle to process them and display them in normal ways, often displaying with balled up fists and agitation, etc; but not intentionally aimed to hurt someone.

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      Janet says October 4, 2019

      Wow Sunny! Thank you for your post! I agree with you and see many words of wisdom in what you say. …..Makes me feel better, unlike some of the other posts here that blame the parents. My husband and I are empaths who raised one empath daughter and a narcissistic son. I spent the last 35 years of his life trying to figure him out and looking for answers as to why he was so different. I finally stopped blaming myself and am going through self healing now while focusing on the love in the rest of the family. The hardest thing I’ve had to do is realize that my son may never love me as I have loved him. It hurts so bad. But the time for blaming is over…..

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    Anonymous says October 6, 2019

    Its more complicated than that. Each situation is different. Not every parent causes this. Some work hard to do well and still have a narcissist child. I am a good person and a loving parent. My narcissistic and/or psychopathic mother,grandmother and other siblings she influenced did alot of group manipulation to destroy me and my children. I didn’t understand what happened until years later. I was not raised to call the police on my mom. But I should have twice on her and once on my grandmother and a few times on siblings. The police would have corrected them in these situations for a FACT. I was confused,passive and did not understand the serious danger of my own family that I was raised to love and trust. Don’t judge. It can happen.

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    Noreen Watson says March 20, 2020

    I understand the link you make to influence from parents in childhood. At what point in adulthood should narcissistic children quit blaming the parent and take responsibility for how they choose to be?

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      Kim Saeed says March 23, 2020

      Hi Noreen. Thank you for stopping by and submitting your question. If an adult child has developed narcissism, then they(sadly) will never take responsibility. Being accountable for themselves is just not something narcissists do.

      Xo

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Pamela Leach says April 4, 2018

My granddaughter is being bullied by her father. My daughter is trying to get custody BK. She is 16 not allowed to have a cell phone she might call her mom.the court said he has to allow her to call her mom 3 notes a WK he won’t let her. She was molested at 5years old by dad’s friend he did nothing She has to baby sit for all her younger siblings. She isn’t allowed to have a boy friend. They try to break her passwds to Snoop and they have cameras in every room and outside. She looks just like her mom beautiful and it scares me. Is this normal?

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    Kim Saeed says April 16, 2018

    Heck no it’s not normal. Sounds like someone may want to call CPS on her behalf, or at the very least, contact a DV center and seek guidance from them.

    Kim

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Sally says April 3, 2018

Soooo so happy to finally read a post about this…..I have lived with and through this reality. My TWo adult children, unfortunately have imo AND experienceinherited the genética that set then Up for one, with Bordrrline pd and my second child with anti-social pd…..Its ime 100% in the genes…….Thank you

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