lies narcissists want you to believe

10 Lies Narcissists Want to Program Into Your Mind

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You may have heard of the use of positive affirmations to help rewire your thoughts so that you can think more positively, but negative affirmations can have the opposite effect.

This is what narcissists do to the people that they are in relationships with, and especially romantic relationships. Self-talk affirmations can alter your subconscious thoughts. Repeating something over and over gives it power since hearing something over and over makes it more likely that you will begin to believe it. In turn, these beliefs make it more likely that you will act in ways that confirm these beliefs.

This is basic neuroplasticity, which is your brain’s ability to change throughout your life – of course, depending on what your regular habits and thought processes are. The truth is, your brain often cannot tell the difference between something that you are imagining and something that’s happening in real life. Sometimes this can be incredibly useful if you are trying to train your brain into thinking more positive thoughts and taking on a more encouraging outlook for your future.

But when it comes to narcissists, this is where things get dark. Whether they realize what they’re doing by repeating these affirmations to you is irrelevant…the outcome is that you eventually begin to believe what they’re saying. This is because regular repetition of certain statements about yourself can encourage your brain to take these affirmations as fact. And when you believe something, your actions often follow. This is why people begin to fall into a deep depression and develop different health conditions when they’re in relationships with narcissistic people.

Let’s dive in…

10 Lies Narcissists Want You to Believe

Video Transcription

 

Lie #1 – You’re No Longer Attractive

During the love-bombing phase, the narcissist likely made you feel extremely attractive and desirable. But over time, they started to make little digs about your appearance. It could be anything from the way you wear your makeup, to your hairstyle, to your clothing. Over time, they start to make little statements to you to make you feel like you just don’t look good anymore, or that you don’t know how to dress or that you don’t know how to put your makeup on anymore. Even though you’re doing things the same way you always have.

This is no accident. They genuinely want you to believe that you’re not attractive because once they begin to devalue and discard you, it makes it easy for them to keep you strung along, because you may have the feeling that it’s better to have bad love and no love at all.

Lie #2 – You’re Mentally Unstable

I work with a lot of highly intelligent people who reach out to me for coaching or contact me via email. These folks are often doctors, attorneys, therapists, and they’re extremely intelligent, but somehow the narcissist in their life is able to convince them that they’re not.

In turn, what often happens is that that person’s performance on the job begins to decline. They start to feel less capable of fulfilling their job duties. Many times, people end up getting fired either because 1) their performance begins to tank or, 2) the narcissist won’t stop calling them while they’re on the job.

If this is happening to you, then I really recommend that you turn your phone on silent while you’re working and make a concerted effort to not respond to the narcissist’s calls or texts or emails while you’re working.

Furthermore, if your romantic partner is saying things to you to make you feel like you’re not good at your job, this is a flaming red flag that you are in the wrong relationship.

Lie #3 – No One Else Will Ever Want You

I work with people who are not only intelligent but also attractive. I look at these people’s photos (if I happen to have any) and think, “Oh, it’s so sad that this person has such low self-esteem.” And that’s because the narcissist has made them feel that way; that no one else would ever want them.

My response to that is that there are tons of people out there in the world who would definitely be interested in you. Furthermore, if you have a partner who’s saying this kind of stuff to you, it’s really time to assess whether the relationship is worth staying in. Because someone who’s saying these kinds of things to you is not at all concerned about your emotional safety.

Lie #4 – You Are a Liar

Two primary reasons the narcissist calls you a liar is 1) they want to give you the impression that you are more like them than you think you are and, 2) if they can trigger your need to prove yourself, and you react to that by spending hours a day, sending tons of emails and tons of text messages, and you’re calling your friends and family and you’re fussing about it, then you’re going to be less focused on the fact that the narcissist is a liar.

heal from abuseLie #5 – Your Friends and Family Are Talking About You Behind Your Back

They may say things like, “Your friends told me not to trust you. I should have listened to them,” or “Your brother told me you would start doing this eventually.”

The narcissist does this because they want you to believe that they have formed an alliance with your friends and family so that you will be less likely to turn to them when you have relationship troubles or need advice on what to do.

That said, there are times during the breakup when your friends or family might side with the narcissist, and this is a very painful time for a lot of people because it’s during this time that you will have to decide whether to keep those people in your life. However, there is also just as much chance that your friends and family never said those things and the narcissist just wants you to feel alone and isolated. Because if they can keep you feeling alone and isolated, then they have more influence over your thoughts and your actions.

Lie #6 – You Will Never Make It Without Them

I encourage you…if the narcissist is making any suggestions about you quitting your job to move in with them or to work in their company, don’t do it.

If you are already supporting yourself, you should continue supporting yourself. I have never seen this turn out successfully when someone quit their job to move in with a narcissist or to work in the narcissist’s company. It always ends in disaster. If you are in charge of your own livelihood, it’s best to keep it that way.

Lie #7 – You Are No Longer Desirable

This lie ties in with lie number one where they say you’re no longer attractive.

I don’t really think this way, but I have heard other people say things like, “Well, they’re kind of cute, but they’re not really sexy.”

If your partner is making these kinds of statements to you, then that means they are not concerned with your emotional safety or your emotions in general. They don’t care about hurting your feelings. A person who genuinely cares about you will not want to hurt your feelings. And they’ll try to maintain your dignity at all costs.

Maintaining your dignity is not something that narcissist is interested in. Furthermore, it’s not normal for a partner to say these kinds of things it’s abusive.

Lie #8 – They Cheated on You Because…

This could be any number of reasons including some of the ones that we have covered already. Narcissists never run out of (what they believe) are justifiable reasons for cheating on you. And you can rest assured that every single reason they come up with is just another lie.

Again, if this is happening to you in your relationship, you should understand that not all partners or spouses cheat. It’s not normal, and it’s not as common as the narcissist would have you believe. There are people in this world who are entirely faithful to their partners and spouses. And you deserve that, too.

Lie #9 – Everybody Wants Them

In this case, there are two camps of people who want the narcissist. The first camp includes people who simply don’t know who or what the narcissist is. The second camp, of course, are people who are still trauma bonded to them…past partners, past spouses, and past lovers. All the people that the narcissist was involved with, unless they were strong enough to get out and stay out.

Understand, though that the people in camp one, aren’t as many as the narcissist thinks. Usually what happens is someone may smile at the narcissist or politely say hello. Suddenly, the narcissist is making up in their mind that this person wants them. In reality, that person might find the narcissist annoying, arrogant, or cocky. They may not even like them at all, but the narcissist has already made up a story. But even more than that, they just want to make you jealous because they love to triangulate people and to make people jealous.

In short, not as many people want the narcissist as they’re saying.

Lie #10 – The New Supply Has Changed Them

This may be the biggest lie of all because no one changes the narcissist, not even their own children. And if the narcissist’s own children can’t change them, you can rest assured that no other supply sources are going to change them, either.

This is why it’s crucial to not follow up on the narcissist, and don’t check out their social media because the stuff the narcissist is putting on social media is designed especially for you.

Furthermore, we covered neuroplasticity earlier in the article and the effect of repeating things so often that you begin to believe them. This is essentially what you’re doing to yourself when you hop on the narcissist’s social media, and you’re believing in the pictures that they’re putting out there.

All those pictures are just an illusion; they’re props to make you believe that the narcissist has finally changed. It’s just that they wouldn’t change for you.

I could talk about this all day until I’m blue in the face, but people still insist on believing the narcissist has changed for the new supply. I promise you that if you stop looking at their social media and you stop asking friends and family about the narcissist or doing drive-bys or whatever it is that you’re doing, you will stop believing this lie.

By the way, I did all these things too, so I’m not judging you, but I am here to say that as long as you’re doing all of that, you’re not going to be able to move on. Even more, all those things are breaking no contact… when you get on their social media, when you do the drive-bys, when you ask friends and family about the narcissist – you are breaking no contact.

If you’re doing that, you’re not going to be able to change your neural pathways. You’re not going to be able to change your thought processes, which means the narcissist will keep you trapped in their reign of terror.

Ending the Misery

Imagine how powerful it would be to know how to handle the narcissist and stand impervious against their appalling behavior.

Can you imagine what it would feel like to reclaim your life?

This is the outcome that I love helping people accomplish…to be free to have joyful and nourishing lives without being confused and crippled by the narcissist’s games.

If you’d like to take your lucidity and your life back, no matter what you’ve been through, or if you’re simply tired of living a nightmarish version of Groundhog Day, then join me and other wonderful thrivers in my therapist-approved program for narcissistic abuse recovery.  You will learn real-life ways to develop new and empowering habits that heal – AND are backed by psychology and neuroscience.

This nurturing program includes a wonderful private community that assists and supports all people detaching and healing from narcissistic abuse, no matter who the narcissist is (such as family member, spouse, partner, friend, etc.) and regardless of the circumstances involved. 

I truly hope you understand that you’re not powerless and that there are truly remarkable ways that you can stand up to the mind games and finally break free from the nightmare.


Consulting and Coaching with Kim Saeed, B. Ed.

Kim helps individuals with toxic relationship issues via telephone or Zoom. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping targets of emotional abuse and manipulation to break free of abusive relationships and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice with emotional support. If you’d like to work with Kim, please visit her Schedule a Session page.


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31 comments
Mel says February 22, 2024

I feel equal amountd of validation and extreme fear. The mental programming that I’ve endured has totally taken over my life. I’ve signed up for the course but have very little faith (in myself) that I can overcome any of this. He has literally, in every way possible, completely destroyed me. Some days I just sit here and wonder what my purpose is only to discover that it I’d dark outside and I’ve not come even close to an answer. It’s day, after day, night after night. My mind won’t hold on to the awful things he does at every turn, and i want to hate hom and never look back, but I always wind up just hating myself instead.
It is terrifying.

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Raynelle says February 14, 2024

Refreshing
My partner is not the Narcissist, my mother is. She has turned my 4 formerly independent thinking children into Narcissistic Brats. All the work I did to make sure their growing up was independent and free thinking, my mother has sabotaged. I hate it for my children and I hate it for me. I’m missing out on our precious wonderful relationships as well as missing out on my grandchildren. Hurts me terribly.

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Tina Graves says February 8, 2024

I recently left a Narcissist. The statement that it causes memory loss is SO TRUE. I was on disability since 2012, I have COPD, and was made to believe that I was unable to do anything. I gained weight, lost touch with most of my friends and family. Since May 4th of last year (2023), 1 day before my 18th wedding anniversary, I decided to make the BIG CHANGE. I left with my dog, some clothing and $150.00 that was in our joint account. For a month and a half no word from him whatsoever. He didn’t know where I was or if I was alive or dead. Needless to say I have had to get a job. Thank Goodness for the people I work with, to say I have memory loss is an understatement. Slowly I am regaining my self confidence and with the help of my, soon to be, ex’s neice I have really found my inner self. AGAIN. Thank you for your newsletter. Tina

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Maria says January 16, 2024

This article relates to my story living with a narcissist for 24 years. After suffering for all those years, I simply walked away with a shattered heart and the lowest self esteem. But had the courage to love myself and got empowered by going back to college and get the job of my dreams. Now I’m in charge of my life,full of accompishments, I am happy again, realized. Please get your freedom, it’s no easy but you are strong and capable of becoming your own person with respect and dignity. You can accomplish anything…

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Anonymous says December 12, 2023

I was raised by a narcissistic father

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Anonymous says November 12, 2023

Oh my goodness. You know what you are talking about.

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Dianna says August 25, 2023

My husband is a narcissist,plus ADHD and meth added on top of things. Help

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    Kim Saeed says September 2, 2023

    Sorry to say, but there’s really not much you can do to rectify this situation. I personally have never seen this sort of thing improve. You have two options, 1) stay and live live the way it is right now, or 2) leave.

    Reply
Anonymous says July 19, 2023

Thank you but my problem is I’ve been married for 53 yrs to him and only recently realized what he was what do I do

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Ann says June 23, 2023

I finally figured out about four years ago my husband of thirty years is a narcissist. The real shock was in discovering my mother and sister (golden child) are also. I only saw it after one of our kids was being family mobbed” by them, and no one stood up except me, and then I in turn was attacked and smeared (I’m the scapegoat in my family and of my husband. The three colluded with one another for years!). I went no contact with my entire family of origin after that.
I’m working to get out of my marriage, my kids are all adults, but after being a sahm and then financially controlled/abused, I’m still currently stuck. And so tired. But I have a plan to get out, and know the truth in my heart. I am religious and can turn to my God. If you don’t have that find a trusted therapist and educate yourself all you can. You’re not crazy! Believe in YOU!

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Nonceba says May 28, 2023

Very empowering information

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Dee says May 18, 2023

Is narcissus tendency hereditary

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Floyd Axe says April 18, 2023

I’m sure I’m dating a narcissist. But I want to find out if I’m may b one myself.

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Andreas says March 4, 2023

My narcissistic is Lewis Johnson, Pastor also!???

He called me in early 2002 and flattered me with my accomplishments with the City of Dallas through 2002 and wanted me to help him win his first contract with the City of Dallas using my experience and expertise!

I was 34 and he was 53. I did what he wanted from me, winning a $108,000 contract with the City of Dallas to complete a sidewalk contract. I would work undet him as his certified minority subcontractor.

I used my F650 dumptruck and Bobcat to complete the contract.

That was when I became deadly ill! Though I was incapacitated, dying of this illness, my company completed the contract yet I was never paid a dime!

This caused me my first repos on my life, my Dumptruck and my Bobcat!

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    Katrherine says December 3, 2023

    So sorry for your challenges. Is there a legal recourse for you? Either way, take care of you. These people are predators.

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Brian says March 2, 2023

Lets say this much. I HAD a friend who was a narcissist. She was controlling and unpredictable. The amusing fact was that she was married.
Yet she acted like she and I were together. In the beginning would say that we weren’t an item, yet would be in constant contact with me. After I was in need of a place to stay she had me move in with her and her husband and daughter. So my dog and I tried it out. It lasted about 2 months and then she turned around and threw us out when I met my wife yet would text constantly. I eventually changed my number and blocked her from my social media. I say good riddens. Keep the faith people who are under the thumb of a narcissist. You can save yourself.

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Jean says January 16, 2023

My ex ruined my teaching career and I stayed for 5 more years. He cheated on me constantly with his exes and his exes sisters, the employees at the supermarket two blocks away and even a high school girl that lived in the neighborhood. He had a couple dozen dating profiles on every site imaginable and even used offer up and linked in to find girls to hook up with. And I stayed. He began assaulting me and I stayed. He would kick me out just to have some other girl over and when he asked me to come back I would go. I am filing bankruptcy because I’ve been sued seven times while with him and the repercussions of my naivety continue to come to light. I gave up the house we were living in because he wanted me to keep paying and working, as everything was in my name, while he openly hosted the girls that he met daily. Even after we moved out he would Hoover me back, usually to get something of his from my storage space. He started dating my sister and she literally tried to kill me. He had his ex groom another sister of mine and she moved to the city where we live. It took a year of being pretty much homeless (I had 4 different addresses over the course of 8 months), to get back on my feet…and I still invited him to stay with me!!! He couldn’t be nice to me to save his life. The times that he was were shorter and shorter and fewer and farther in between. I finally got a restraining order when he began harrassing my employers and their families. He even threatened my new landlord by lying to the housing authority. He would tell anyone that would listen that I was an addict and a prostitute that ran drugs and did sexual favors to pay my rent. He even went so far as to make flyers to post in my neighborhood. So that everyone would know what a mistake they made in trusting me, employing me, or just being my friend. He still has his flying monkeys following me around. Taking pictures of me. Reporting back to him. I can’t trust anyone. All information that my brain takes in is filtered through his lens even though I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a month. I was numb for 3 months, couldn’t cry about anything. I thought I was broken. Day before yesterday I had to explain to someone why I couldn’t pay a bill and I started bawling. I cried for 3 hours. I’m on the verge of tears all the time now but this an indication that I’m healing. Kim, I joined your breakaway group last January and even though I only did the first exercise, it really worked!!!! I’m in my own apartment supporting myself and my cat with two jobs and peace of mind. It’s not over, far from it, he blames me for everything and has hated me and will continue to hate me until he dies, I imagine. I’m lonely but trying to see it as solitude and taking advantage of that space to remember who I was before him. It’s hard but possible. Thank you kim.

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    Milica says October 23, 2023

    God bless you and give gou strenghth to continue fighting. You are a strong person! Remeber you are inportant!

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FrAnCeSdEaNnA says January 16, 2023

Thank You So Much Kim for your support in my journey to “freedom.” I am living proof that the program is truly life changing in taking back the control of our lives. I highly recommend it to anyone who is suffering from the abuse of the Narcissist in their life. GODBLESSYOU ?

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Matthew says August 24, 2022

This what I used to believe for years, that woman killed me, emotionally damaged my mind. It’s been three years since I was discarded, to date I’m still asking myself. What took me so long to realise, however I thank Kim for the articles. Even though I’m not completely healed from the mess, I learnt to live without her and not seen my kids.
My only problem is dating again, I no longer believe in love!

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kevin macrae says March 30, 2022

you hit it bang on the nail. have a ex at work. she cheated on me. says im disgusting. stupid et al. ignore her. i find showing reaction to her makes her laugh. by the way we split 8 years ago.

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H says March 14, 2022

Kim, I appreciate you more than I can put into words. I feel like I got myself into a particularly complicated situation on accident. My nex was abusive in every way imaginable. I moved out, in with family, and just recently moved back a few months ago to another area. I was feeling really good about no contact and working through my symptoms of cptsd. I kept seeing cars that looked like my nex but a LOT of people drive white cars, only to find out one day through a mutual friend that he was seeing one of my friends now and she literally lives right down the street. I’m not trying to break the no contact but when I see the car my heart races, panic sets in etc. I’ve started to walk completely the other way to do things and exercise but the only way to pull into the driveway is on the same street I share with this woman. I don’t even look that way and it just sucks because I really love the new home I’ve built for myself. I hope all of you other readers keep going, I know I have to for my health and sanity but this situation has put me back a couple of steps. Take care!

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Gene says February 12, 2022

Narcissist is raising my 2 Grandson’s. One does not see our son anymore. Youngest one is not wanting to do visitation at our sons anymore. Talks terrible to him. Her other son and the oldest a Daughter do not have anything to do with their dads. I’ve heard her tell the Youngest son on the speaker phone to tell her he loves her. Makes him repeat it over and over. What can we do to keep a relationships with our grandsons?

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Barbara Donaldson says November 4, 2021

I was United with my son after 27 years apart since reconnecting its been an absolute nightmare. He’s abusive disrespectful has a jekyll and Hyde personality switches from evil to borderline Saint back to evil. Its knocked my confidence I wish he hadn’t bothered he likes to be the one in control he bullies me his language is appalling and degrading there’s nothing very nice about him at all. He recently informed me ” I can talk to you the way I like then called me a
F. C. I.know he’s a narcissist I was in a narcissistic relationship in 2015 for a year it nearly broke me. With Kim’s website reading her articles I feel less isolated. I did no contact with him unfortunately meetingb2 other narcissists along the way breaking away from them also, now the reunion with my son is having the same effect as my relationship I had in 2015.

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Tim Abboud says November 1, 2021

i can see why your advice seems so one sided…my wife is this kind of person and i turned here for pointers…its subtle but you make it seem as only men are narcissistic. aswell you focused on just the one side…i assume to help your peers or frankly women. This reassured me that im not nuts but more equal and even examples would have helped much more. I still don’t know what to do. Being perpetually depressed isnt going to suffice.

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    Kim Saeed says November 2, 2021

    Hi Tim,

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I have been using gender-neutral languaging for quite a while now, so am not sure how the article seems one-sided. Women can definitely be narcissistic and are often much worse than men. In any case, I hope you find a way to heal and move forward.

    Kim

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Karen says October 30, 2021

Dear me just reading these things. Sons partner out of the blue telephoned our daughter and stated how she is a good sister to our son also did this too his best friend then a few months after started cutting us off/ghosting!. Constant criticism to daughter and sons best friend. Narcs are nuts they to me are insane. Before I typed this I wrote down in full honesty what I think and actually what I think, caused a reaction, my opinions openness of my speech . I then wrote down on a list every thing I can remember all the childish nasty remarks the narc spouted out. I was about 20% narc 80% in fact I could have wrote so many down it filled a full page of sarcasm and digs I ignored although it hurt me. Lets face it if you respond constantly to their remarks your life would be in constant conflict you would never have peace. The problem arose when I heard one to many and reacted just had enough three years of this. I have now lost my grandson and my son won’t have a relationship with me. The narc has cut every last member of family off on all sides. I feel for our grandson we have tried but she shut the door on us and closed the curtains taking our son with her who looked so embarrassed and hurt. I am sleeping much better but I will admit some days it turns to anger thankfully I am aware of this and calmed myself down quickly because I know what is causing this. I have the odd depression Christmas coming up is hard for us. We had such lovely Christmas days until she came along with the odd sarcasm and sulk hardly joined in never volunteered to wash up help nothing so it isn’t her I miss but I do miss our son and would love to see our grandson. Anyway I don’t cry for hours on end any more and I am sleeping better. I just like to state that it is puzzling why they don’t want to be loved but just see so much negative in the world and are so jealous of love.

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Debi says October 30, 2021

This really resonated with me, especially #5. My ex conspired with my ex friend to leave me homeless. He spun lies to her & she believed. I was renting a house from her. She told him if he got rid of me she would sell the house to him. Throughout this ordeal I’ve learned who my friends & family are. My daughter was swayed to turn against me also. It’s a hard lesson to learn. But thanks to your programs I’m learning

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T says October 27, 2021

Bodyshaming and appearanceshaming. Critisize your style and what you wear and that you don”t look representative and that they would shame about you with that clothes you wear. Also make up and saying that you look unkempt and untidy while you did your best. saying that you are dirty and don”t wash your self and say shame on you while they smell to stealed sweat and old sweat and you can smell the odor from a great distance. Saying to others while they don”t do it themselves like washing with soap. I had the best brands of make up and knew a lot of it but they put me down at it and saud that I must use make up to look better . They odor was nasty and to you they say that you must take a better selfcare and brushing your theeth and washing your self with soap and shampoo and I did this already so I was going in the defensemode. I found this a very unfair what is said about my presentation. Now adays i don”t wear make up anymore.

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    Kim Saeed says October 30, 2021

    I’ve heard this from a lot of my coaching clients and it’s truly sad. It also shows what hypocrites narcissists are.

    I hope you are doing better these days. Sending hugs.

    Kim

    Reply
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