lies narcissists want you to believe

10 Lies Narcissists Want to Program Into Your Mind

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You may have heard of the use of positive affirmations to help rewire your thoughts so that you can think more positively, but negative affirmations can have the opposite effect.

This is what narcissists do to the people that they are in relationships with, and especially romantic relationships. Self-talk affirmations can alter your subconscious thoughts. Repeating something over and over gives it power since hearing something over and over makes it more likely that you will begin to believe it. In turn, these beliefs make it more likely that you will act in ways that confirm these beliefs.

This is basic neuroplasticity, which is your brain’s ability to change throughout your life – of course, depending on what your regular habits and thought processes are. The truth is, your brain often cannot tell the difference between something that you are imagining and something that’s happening in real life. Sometimes this can be incredibly useful if you are trying to train your brain into thinking more positive thoughts and taking on a more encouraging outlook for your future.

But when it comes to narcissists, this is where things get dark. Whether they realize what they’re doing by repeating these affirmations to you is irrelevant…the outcome is that you eventually begin to believe what they’re saying. This is because regular repetition of certain statements about yourself can encourage your brain to take these affirmations as fact. And when you believe something, your actions often follow. This is why people begin to fall into a deep depression and develop different health conditions when they’re in relationships with narcissistic people.

Let’s dive in…

10 Lies Narcissists Want You to Believe

Video Transcription

 

Lie #1 – You’re No Longer Attractive

During the love-bombing phase, the narcissist likely made you feel extremely attractive and desirable. But over time, they started to make little digs about your appearance. It could be anything from the way you wear your makeup, to your hairstyle, to your clothing. Over time, they start to make little statements to you to make you feel like you just don’t look good anymore, or that you don’t know how to dress or that you don’t know how to put your makeup on anymore. Even though you’re doing things the same way you always have.

This is no accident. They genuinely want you to believe that you’re not attractive because once they begin to devalue and discard you, it makes it easy for them to keep you strung along, because you may have the feeling that it’s better to have bad love and no love at all.

Lie #2 – You’re Mentally Unstable

I work with a lot of highly intelligent people who reach out to me for coaching or contact me via email. These folks are often doctors, attorneys, therapists, and they’re extremely intelligent, but somehow the narcissist in their life is able to convince them that they’re not.

In turn, what often happens is that that person’s performance on the job begins to decline. They start to feel less capable of fulfilling their job duties. Many times, people end up getting fired either because 1) their performance begins to tank or, 2) the narcissist won’t stop calling them while they’re on the job.

If this is happening to you, then I really recommend that you turn your phone on silent while you’re working and make a concerted effort to not respond to the narcissist’s calls or texts or emails while you’re working.

Furthermore, if your romantic partner is saying things to you to make you feel like you’re not good at your job, this is a flaming red flag that you are in the wrong relationship.

Lie #3 – No One Else Will Ever Want You

I work with people who are not only intelligent but also attractive. I look at these people’s photos (if I happen to have any) and think, “Oh, it’s so sad that this person has such low self-esteem.” And that’s because the narcissist has made them feel that way; that no one else would ever want them.

My response to that is that there are tons of people out there in the world who would definitely be interested in you. Furthermore, if you have a partner who’s saying this kind of stuff to you, it’s really time to assess whether the relationship is worth staying in. Because someone who’s saying these kinds of things to you is not at all concerned about your emotional safety.

Lie #4 – You Are a Liar

Two primary reasons the narcissist calls you a liar is 1) they want to give you the impression that you are more like them than you think you are and, 2) if they can trigger your need to prove yourself, and you react to that by spending hours a day, sending tons of emails and tons of text messages, and you’re calling your friends and family and you’re fussing about it, then you’re going to be less focused on the fact that the narcissist is a liar.

Lie #5 – Your Friends and Family Are Talking About You Behind Your Back

They may say things like, “Your friends told me not to trust you. I should have listened to them,” or “Your brother told me you would start doing this eventually.”

The narcissist does this because they want you to believe that they have formed an alliance with your friends and family so that you will be less likely to turn to them when you have relationship troubles or need advice on what to do.

That said, there are times during the breakup when your friends or family might side with the narcissist, and this is a very painful time for a lot of people because it’s during this time that you will have to decide whether to keep those people in your life. However, there is also just as much chance that your friends and family never said those things and the narcissist just wants you to feel alone and isolated. Because if they can keep you feeling alone and isolated, then they have more influence over your thoughts and your actions.

Lie #6 – You Will Never Make It Without Them

I encourage you…if the narcissist is making any suggestions about you quitting your job to move in with them or to work in their company, don’t do it.

If you are already supporting yourself, you should continue supporting yourself. I have never seen this turn out successfully when someone quit their job to move in with a narcissist or to work in the narcissist’s company. It always ends in disaster. If you are in charge of your own livelihood, it’s best to keep it that way.

Lie #7 – You Are No Longer Desirable

This lie ties in with lie number one where they say you’re no longer attractive.

I don’t really think this way, but I have heard other people say things like, “Well, they’re kind of cute, but they’re not really sexy.”

If your partner is making these kinds of statements to you, then that means they are not concerned with your emotional safety or your emotions in general. They don’t care about hurting your feelings. A person who genuinely cares about you will not want to hurt your feelings. And they’ll try to maintain your dignity at all costs.

Maintaining your dignity is not something that narcissist is interested in. Furthermore, it’s not normal for a partner to say these kinds of things it’s abusive.

Lie #8 – They Cheated on You Because…

This could be any number of reasons including some of the ones that we have covered already. Narcissists never run out of (what they believe) are justifiable reasons for cheating on you. And you can rest assured that every single reason they come up with is just another lie.

Again, if this is happening to you in your relationship, you should understand that not all partners or spouses cheat. It’s not normal, and it’s not as common as the narcissist would have you believe. There are people in this world who are entirely faithful to their partners and spouses. And you deserve that, too.

Lie #9 – Everybody Wants Them

In this case, there are two camps of people who want the narcissist. The first camp includes people who simply don’t know who or what the narcissist is. The second camp, of course, are people who are still trauma bonded to them…past partners, past spouses, and past lovers. All the people that the narcissist was involved with, unless they were strong enough to get out and stay out.

Understand, though that the people in camp one, aren’t as many as the narcissist thinks. Usually what happens is someone may smile at the narcissist or politely say hello. Suddenly, the narcissist is making up in their mind that this person wants them. In reality, that person might find the narcissist annoying, arrogant, or cocky. They may not even like them at all, but the narcissist has already made up a story. But even more than that, they just want to make you jealous because they love to triangulate people and to make people jealous.

In short, not as many people want the narcissist as they’re saying.

Lie #10 – The New Supply Has Changed Them

This may be the biggest lie of all because no one changes the narcissist, not even their own children. And if the narcissist’s own children can’t change them, you can rest assured that no other supply sources are going to change them, either.

This is why it’s crucial to not follow up on the narcissist, and don’t check out their social media because the stuff the narcissist is putting on social media is designed especially for you.

Furthermore, we covered neuroplasticity earlier in the article and the effect of repeating things so often that you begin to believe them. This is essentially what you’re doing to yourself when you hop on the narcissist’s social media, and you’re believing in the pictures that they’re putting out there.

All those pictures are just an illusion; they’re props to make you believe that the narcissist has finally changed. It’s just that they wouldn’t change for you.

I could talk about this all day until I’m blue in the face, but people still insist on believing the narcissist has changed for the new supply. I promise you that if you stop looking at their social media and you stop asking friends and family about the narcissist or doing drive-bys or whatever it is that you’re doing, you will stop believing this lie.

By the way, I did all these things too, so I’m not judging you, but I am here to say that as long as you’re doing all of that, you’re not going to be able to move on. Even more, all those things are breaking no contact… when you get on their social media, when you do the drive-bys, when you ask friends and family about the narcissist – you are breaking no contact.

If you’re doing that, you’re not going to be able to change your neural pathways. You’re not going to be able to change your thought processes, which means the narcissist will keep you trapped in their reign of terror.

Ending the Misery

If you know that rising out of fear and pain and into healing and happiness is something that you dearly want, I’m inviting you to take on this journey, with me beside you, just as myself and thousands of other Thrivers have.

I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in my narcissistic abuse recovery program.

Develop effective ways to break free from narcissistic abuse and finally end the nightmare.

You can find out more details here.

This nurturing program includes a wonderful private community that assists and supports all people detaching and healing from narcissistic abuse, no matter who the narcissist is (such as family member, spouse, partner, friend, etc.) and regardless of the circumstances involved. 

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5 comments
Tim Abboud says November 1, 2021

i can see why your advice seems so one sided…my wife is this kind of person and i turned here for pointers…its subtle but you make it seem as only men are narcissistic. aswell you focused on just the one side…i assume to help your peers or frankly women. This reassured me that im not nuts but more equal and even examples would have helped much more. I still don’t know what to do. Being perpetually depressed isnt going to suffice.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says November 2, 2021

    Hi Tim,

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I have been using gender-neutral languaging for quite a while now, so am not sure how the article seems one-sided. Women can definitely be narcissistic and are often much worse than men. In any case, I hope you find a way to heal and move forward.

    Kim

    Reply
Karen says October 30, 2021

Dear me just reading these things. Sons partner out of the blue telephoned our daughter and stated how she is a good sister to our son also did this too his best friend then a few months after started cutting us off/ghosting!. Constant criticism to daughter and sons best friend. Narcs are nuts they to me are insane. Before I typed this I wrote down in full honesty what I think and actually what I think, caused a reaction, my opinions openness of my speech . I then wrote down on a list every thing I can remember all the childish nasty remarks the narc spouted out. I was about 20% narc 80% in fact I could have wrote so many down it filled a full page of sarcasm and digs I ignored although it hurt me. Lets face it if you respond constantly to their remarks your life would be in constant conflict you would never have peace. The problem arose when I heard one to many and reacted just had enough three years of this. I have now lost my grandson and my son won’t have a relationship with me. The narc has cut every last member of family off on all sides. I feel for our grandson we have tried but she shut the door on us and closed the curtains taking our son with her who looked so embarrassed and hurt. I am sleeping much better but I will admit some days it turns to anger thankfully I am aware of this and calmed myself down quickly because I know what is causing this. I have the odd depression Christmas coming up is hard for us. We had such lovely Christmas days until she came along with the odd sarcasm and sulk hardly joined in never volunteered to wash up help nothing so it isn’t her I miss but I do miss our son and would love to see our grandson. Anyway I don’t cry for hours on end any more and I am sleeping better. I just like to state that it is puzzling why they don’t want to be loved but just see so much negative in the world and are so jealous of love.

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T says October 27, 2021

Bodyshaming and appearanceshaming. Critisize your style and what you wear and that you don”t look representative and that they would shame about you with that clothes you wear. Also make up and saying that you look unkempt and untidy while you did your best. saying that you are dirty and don”t wash your self and say shame on you while they smell to stealed sweat and old sweat and you can smell the odor from a great distance. Saying to others while they don”t do it themselves like washing with soap. I had the best brands of make up and knew a lot of it but they put me down at it and saud that I must use make up to look better . They odor was nasty and to you they say that you must take a better selfcare and brushing your theeth and washing your self with soap and shampoo and I did this already so I was going in the defensemode. I found this a very unfair what is said about my presentation. Now adays i don”t wear make up anymore.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says October 30, 2021

    I’ve heard this from a lot of my coaching clients and it’s truly sad. It also shows what hypocrites narcissists are.

    I hope you are doing better these days. Sending hugs.

    Kim

    Reply
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