You may have heard of the use of positive affirmations to help rewire your thoughts so that you can think more positively, but negative affirmations can have the opposite effect.
This is what narcissists do to the people that they are in relationships with, and especially romantic relationships. Self-talk affirmations can alter your subconscious thoughts. Repeating something over and over gives it power since hearing something over and over makes it more likely that you will begin to believe it. In turn, these beliefs make it more likely that you will act in ways that confirm these beliefs.
This is basic neuroplasticity, which is your brain’s ability to change throughout your life – of course, depending on what your regular habits and thought processes are. The truth is, your brain often cannot tell the difference between something that you are imagining and something that’s happening in real life. Sometimes this can be incredibly useful if you are trying to train your brain into thinking more positive thoughts and taking on a more encouraging outlook for your future.
But when it comes to narcissists, this is where things get dark. Whether they realize what they’re doing by repeating these affirmations to you is irrelevant…the outcome is that you eventually begin to believe what they’re saying. This is because regular repetition of certain statements about yourself can encourage your brain to take these affirmations as fact. And when you believe something, your actions often follow. This is why people begin to fall into a deep depression and develop different health conditions when they’re in relationships with narcissistic people.
Let’s dive in…
10 Lies Narcissists Want You to Believe
Video Transcription
Lie #1 – You’re No Longer Attractive
During the love-bombing phase, the narcissist likely made you feel extremely attractive and desirable. But over time, they started to make little digs about your appearance. It could be anything from the way you wear your makeup, to your hairstyle, to your clothing. Over time, they start to make little statements to you to make you feel like you just don’t look good anymore, or that you don’t know how to dress or that you don’t know how to put your makeup on anymore. Even though you’re doing things the same way you always have.
This is no accident. They genuinely want you to believe that you’re not attractive because once they begin to devalue and discard you, it makes it easy for them to keep you strung along, because you may have the feeling that it’s better to have bad love and no love at all.
Lie #2 – You’re Mentally Unstable
I work with a lot of highly intelligent people who reach out to me for coaching or contact me via email. These folks are often doctors, attorneys, therapists, and they’re extremely intelligent, but somehow the narcissist in their life is able to convince them that they’re not.
In turn, what often happens is that that person’s performance on the job begins to decline. They start to feel less capable of fulfilling their job duties. Many times, people end up getting fired either because 1) their performance begins to tank or, 2) the narcissist won’t stop calling them while they’re on the job.
If this is happening to you, then I really recommend that you turn your phone on silent while you’re working and make a concerted effort to not respond to the narcissist’s calls or texts or emails while you’re working.
Furthermore, if your romantic partner is saying things to you to make you feel like you’re not good at your job, this is a flaming red flag that you are in the wrong relationship.
Lie #3 – No One Else Will Ever Want You
I work with people who are not only intelligent but also attractive. I look at these people’s photos (if I happen to have any) and think, “Oh, it’s so sad that this person has such low self-esteem.” And that’s because the narcissist has made them feel that way; that no one else would ever want them.
My response to that is that there are tons of people out there in the world who would definitely be interested in you. Furthermore, if you have a partner who’s saying this kind of stuff to you, it’s really time to assess whether the relationship is worth staying in. Because someone who’s saying these kinds of things to you is not at all concerned about your emotional safety.
Lie #4 – You Are a Liar
Two primary reasons the narcissist calls you a liar is 1) they want to give you the impression that you are more like them than you think you are and, 2) if they can trigger your need to prove yourself, and you react to that by spending hours a day, sending tons of emails and tons of text messages, and you’re calling your friends and family and you’re fussing about it, then you’re going to be less focused on the fact that the narcissist is a liar.
Lie #5 – Your Friends and Family Are Talking About You Behind Your Back
They may say things like, “Your friends told me not to trust you. I should have listened to them,” or “Your brother told me you would start doing this eventually.”
The narcissist does this because they want you to believe that they have formed an alliance with your friends and family so that you will be less likely to turn to them when you have relationship troubles or need advice on what to do.
That said, there are times during the breakup when your friends or family might side with the narcissist, and this is a very painful time for a lot of people because it’s during this time that you will have to decide whether to keep those people in your life. However, there is also just as much chance that your friends and family never said those things and the narcissist just wants you to feel alone and isolated. Because if they can keep you feeling alone and isolated, then they have more influence over your thoughts and your actions.
Lie #6 – You Will Never Make It Without Them
I encourage you…if the narcissist is making any suggestions about you quitting your job to move in with them or to work in their company, don’t do it.
If you are already supporting yourself, you should continue supporting yourself. I have never seen this turn out successfully when someone quit their job to move in with a narcissist or to work in the narcissist’s company. It always ends in disaster. If you are in charge of your own livelihood, it’s best to keep it that way.
Lie #7 – You Are No Longer Desirable
This lie ties in with lie number one where they say you’re no longer attractive.
I don’t really think this way, but I have heard other people say things like, “Well, they’re kind of cute, but they’re not really sexy.”
If your partner is making these kinds of statements to you, then that means they are not concerned with your emotional safety or your emotions in general. They don’t care about hurting your feelings. A person who genuinely cares about you will not want to hurt your feelings. And they’ll try to maintain your dignity at all costs.
Maintaining your dignity is not something that narcissist is interested in. Furthermore, it’s not normal for a partner to say these kinds of things it’s abusive.
Lie #8 – They Cheated on You Because…
This could be any number of reasons including some of the ones that we have covered already. Narcissists never run out of (what they believe) are justifiable reasons for cheating on you. And you can rest assured that every single reason they come up with is just another lie.
Again, if this is happening to you in your relationship, you should understand that not all partners or spouses cheat. It’s not normal, and it’s not as common as the narcissist would have you believe. There are people in this world who are entirely faithful to their partners and spouses. And you deserve that, too.
Lie #9 – Everybody Wants Them
In this case, there are two camps of people who want the narcissist. The first camp includes people who simply don’t know who or what the narcissist is. The second camp, of course, are people who are still trauma bonded to them…past partners, past spouses, and past lovers. All the people that the narcissist was involved with, unless they were strong enough to get out and stay out.
Understand, though that the people in camp one, aren’t as many as the narcissist thinks. Usually what happens is someone may smile at the narcissist or politely say hello. Suddenly, the narcissist is making up in their mind that this person wants them. In reality, that person might find the narcissist annoying, arrogant, or cocky. They may not even like them at all, but the narcissist has already made up a story. But even more than that, they just want to make you jealous because they love to triangulate people and to make people jealous.
In short, not as many people want the narcissist as they’re saying.
Lie #10 – The New Supply Has Changed Them
This may be the biggest lie of all because no one changes the narcissist, not even their own children. And if the narcissist’s own children can’t change them, you can rest assured that no other supply sources are going to change them, either.
This is why it’s crucial to not follow up on the narcissist, and don’t check out their social media because the stuff the narcissist is putting on social media is designed especially for you.
Furthermore, we covered neuroplasticity earlier in the article and the effect of repeating things so often that you begin to believe them. This is essentially what you’re doing to yourself when you hop on the narcissist’s social media and believe in the pictures that they post.
All those pictures are just an illusion; they’re props to make you believe that the narcissist has finally changed. It’s just that they wouldn’t change for you.
I could talk about this all day until I’m blue in the face, but people still insist on believing the narcissist has changed for the new supply. I promise you that if you stop looking at their social media and you stop asking friends and family about the narcissist or doing drive-bys or whatever it is that you’re doing, you will stop believing this lie.
By the way, I did all these things too, so I’m not judging you, but I am here to say that as long as you’re doing all of that, you’re not going to be able to move on. Even more, all those things are breaking no contact… when you get on their social media, when you do the drive-bys, when you ask friends and family about the narcissist – you are breaking no contact.
If you’re doing that, you’re not going to be able to change your neural pathways. You’re not going to be able to change your thought processes, which means the narcissist will keep you trapped in their reign of terror.
Ending the Misery
Imagine how powerful it would be to know how to handle the narcissist and stand impervious against their appalling behavior.
Can you imagine what it would feel like to reclaim your life?
This is the outcome that I love helping people accomplish…to be free to have joyful and nourishing lives without being confused and crippled by the narcissist’s games.
My best recommendation is to join the free Navigating Narcissism newsletter below. You’ll learn gain access to insights and teachings on narcissistic abuse and recovery that go beyond conventional psychology.
