Have you made the devastating discovery that the narcissist is not there for you when you need them the most?
Have they met you with cold indifference when your emotions were in peril, sending you into a spiraling vortex of despair?
Whereas you’ve always wanted to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, the narcissist simply siphons your compassionate energy like fuel for an engine, then leaves you immobilized and discarded without a care in the world when you’re at your most vulnerable.
If this describes your relationship, this article will explain why the narcissist is not there for you, as well as the next steps you can take for transformational healing.
Why the Narcissist is Not There for You
Today I’m going to be answering a question. I thought I’d try out a Q & A format and see how that goes for you. Today’s question is from Madeline and she wants to know, ‘Why is the narcissist not there for you when you are battling a fatal health condition?’
So, let’s take a moment to think back on the things we know about narcissistic individuals. The first being that they have no empathy.
I’ve written a blog article on this very thing that’s called ‘Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times’. Even though Madeline doesn’t mention being discarded, she does talk about how the narcissist is not there for her.
Read: Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times
If you’re on Instagram or Facebook, you’ve probably seen the quote floating around that says, ‘Stop looking for angels where only demons reside’. It’s loosely based on a quote by R. H. Sin. This is truly important to keep in mind if you think you are dealing with a narcissistic individual. It’s kind of an oxymoron to ask why a narcissist can’t be there for you in a time of need.
In my above-referenced article, I talk specifically about why narcissists are not interested in being there for you when you need them – when you’re the most vulnerable – and it’s largely that narcissists truly do not care about other people.
The only thing narcissists care about is what they can get from other people.
Perhaps you’ve had a situation where you’re thinking, “Well, I’m not dealing with a narcissist because one time when I was sick, they were really nice or they were very helpful.”
I encourage you to go back in time and think about what was going on around that incident.
Maybe the two of you had seemingly reconciled after you caught them cheating or you caught them in a huge lie. If they were acting nice, it was probably after an episode like that.
Or perhaps you have a sick family member and they’re thinking they’re going to kick the bucket sometime soon and they’re really hoping to be around if an inheritance comes along. These are only a few reasons a narcissistic individual would be kind to you.
But that is not the most common case. What I see in my line of work is narcissists always discard people or, at the very least, are extremely cruel to them during the person’s time of need.
I’ve seen stories where a woman is in the hospital giving birth to their child and the narcissist doesn’t even show up for the birth. They’re out trying to mine other narcissistic supply or maybe they’re grooming someone, and they can’t be bothered with something like the birth of a child, not even their own.
This is how indifferent and truly uncaring narcissists can be.
The one thing narcissists are very consistent about is the fact that they can be extremely cruel, indifferent, unkind, and uncaring.
So, we don’t want to continue asking why a narcissist does the things they do because all you have to do is a Google search and you’re going to find out exactly the reasons they act the way they do.
Narcissists find it very inconvenient to have to care for someone or to be there for someone.
I’ve had experience with this myself.
Back before I had my third son. I had a tumor, an ovarian tumor. Luckily it turned out to be benign, but I did have to have it removed. I was barely coming out of the anesthesia, just waking up from being unconscious during the surgery and my ex was sitting, rifling through my wallet, checking out everything I had in there and asking, ‘Why is your friend, Betti, not here?’
‘You think your friend loves you? Well, where is she? I don’t see her anywhere. I told you she’s not a good friend.’
Instead of being there for me, he was violating my privacy by going through my wallet and then trying to make me believe that my friend did not care about me. He was so cruel that his own sister, who was there at the time as well, had to tell him to stop.
The one thing you should not expect is for a narcissist to be there for you during your time of need. Even in a situation where you have been diagnosed with a fatal health condition. That means nothing to them.
What you should expect from them is to be extremely uncaring and indifferent towards your suffering, your pain, and your fear.
This is one of those times when you do not want to look for a shred of humanity inside the narcissistic individual.
Another reason narcissists act this way is that when you are sick, people are going to be paying attention to you and they’re going to be giving you their focus and time and their care.
And what happens when people are giving that to you? It typically takes those things away from the narcissist. They are no longer the center of attention, which as you know since you think you’re dealing with a narcissist, this is very important to them.
Narcissists want all the attention on them. They don’t want other people getting the attention. In their mind, there’s only so much attention to go around and so if it’s going to be on anyone, it should be on them.
Think about it this way, thinking or expecting the narcissist to care or to be there for you when you are in a vulnerable situation – such as having received a very unsettling health diagnosis – is like putting a baby duckling in a lion’s den and expecting the lion not to eat it.
That is the nature of the lion. You can’t do that and think, ‘Oh, this one time things could be different’.
First of all, you don’t want to take chances like that because, metaphorically, you’re the baby duckling and the narcissist is the lion.
We need to start looking at patterns of behavior. We need to accept that the narcissist doesn’t care and there’s absolutely nothing that you or I or anyone can do.
In the article that I referred to above, I talk about how narcissists can be very cruel and unkind when you have received a diagnosis of cancer or maybe a neurological condition, which by the way either of those things is probably caused by the narcissistic abuse that you have been enduring for so long. It has been medically proven that when you are in a state of trauma and emergency mode 24/7, these are prime conditions for you to develop things such as certain types of cancers.
It can even cause your IQ to drop. Your brain cannot tolerate being under this kind of stress.
I’ve seen academics who can no longer read a paragraph because of the neurological damage they sustained from narcissistic abuse.
So, if you think you are dealing with a narcissist, it’s very important for you to come to a place of acceptance around this and realize that you have two choices. You can either stay in that relationship with a person you know doesn’t care and accept that they will never care…or you can try to leave. You can start those baby steps and if you’re wondering how to do that, I really encourage you to check out The Essential Break Free Bootcamp. It has been vetted by professionals in the psychological and neurological communities.
You can’t heal in an environment where you are exposed to trauma all the time.
I can’t think of many things that are more traumatic than being diagnosed with a fatal health condition and the person that you want to be there for you simply doesn’t care in your time of need.
Staying in a relationship like this will almost guarantee that you won’t successfully embark on the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.
Instead of being cared for and looked after, and at least being given companionship, you’re having to deal with the fact that not only might you not be here much longer, but you’re having to deal with this person’s indifference and cruelty.
That is enough to make some people give up, and I hope that’s not you.
Please understand that this is not the kind of thing that you can get through alone. That’s why I encourage you to check out my program. It’s going to give you the steps to take to get out of that situation and start healing your life. It’s going to teach you empowering habits. There are some exclusive guided meditations in there for you, and hey, if you don’t like it, at the end of 30 days you can get your money back.
You really deserve a better life and I hope you’ll take that chance on yourself.
If you’re ready to go deep and change your life right now, I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Break Free Program.
I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.
Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.
Learn more here!