Why the Narcissist is Not There for You in Your Time of Need

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Have you made the devastating discovery that the narcissist is not there for you when you need them the most?

Have they met you with cold indifference when your emotions were in peril, sending you into a spiraling vortex of despair?

Whereas you’ve always wanted to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, the narcissist simply siphons your compassionate energy like fuel for an engine, then leaves you immobilized and discarded without a care in the world when you’re at your most vulnerable.

If this describes your relationship, this article and video will explain why the narcissist is not there for you, as well as the next steps you can take for transformational healing.


Video Transcript

Why the Narcissist is Not There for You

Welcome back, Freedom Fighters!  Today I’m going to be answering a question.  I thought I’d try out a Q & A format and see how that goes for you. Today’s question is from Madeline and she wants to know, ‘Why is the narcissist not there for you when you are battling a fatal health condition?’

So, we want to take just a moment to think back on the things we know about narcissistic individuals. The first being that they have no empathy.

I’ve written a blog article on this very thing that’s called ‘Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times’. Even though Madeline doesn’t mention being discarded, she does talk about how the narcissist is not there for her.

Read:  Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times

If you’re on Instagram or Facebook, you’ve probably seen the quote floating around that says, ‘Stop looking for angels where only demons reside’.  It’s loosely based on a quote by R. H. Sin. narcissist discardThis is truly important to keep in mind if you think you are dealing with a narcissistic individual. It’s kind of an oxymoron to ask why a narcissist can’t be there for you in a time of need. In my article, I talk specifically about why narcissists are not interested in being there for you when you need them – when you’re the most vulnerable – and it’s largely that narcissists truly do not care about other people.

The only thing narcissists care about is what they can get from other people.

Perhaps you’ve had a situation where you’re thinking, “Well, I’m not dealing with a narcissist because one time when I was sick, they were really nice or they were very helpful.”

I encourage you to go back in time and really think about what was going on around that incident.

Maybe the two of you had seemingly reconciled after you caught them cheating or maybe after you caught them in a huge lie. If they were acting nice, it was probably after an episode like that.

Or perhaps you have a sick family member and they’re thinking they’re going to kick the bucket sometime soon and they’re really hoping to be around if an inheritance comes along. These are generally the only reasons a narcissistic individual would be kind to you.

But that is not the most common case.  What I see in my line of work is narcissists always discard people or, at the very least, are extremely cruel to them during the person’s time of need.

I’ve seen stories where a woman is in the hospital giving birth to their child and the narcissist doesn’t even show up for the birth. They’re out there trying to mine other narcissistic supply or maybe they’re grooming someone, and they can’t be bothered with something like the birth of a child.

This is how indifferent and truly uncaring narcissists can be.

The one thing narcissists are very consistent about is the fact that they can be extremely cruel, indifferent, unkind, and uncaring.

So, we don’t want to continue asking why a narcissist does the things they do because all you have to do is a Google search and you’re going to find out exactly the reasons they act the way they do.

Narcissists find it very inconvenient to have to care for someone or to be there for someone. I’ve had experience with this myself. Back before I had my third son. I had a tumor, an ovarian tumor. Luckily it turned out to be benign, but I did have to have it removed. I was barely coming out of the anesthesia, just waking up from being unconscious during the surgery and my ex was sitting, rifling through my wallet, checking out everything I had in there and asking, ‘Why is your friend not here?’

‘You think your friend loves you? Well, where is she? I don’t see her anywhere. I told you she’s not a good friend.’

Instead of being there for me, he was violating my privacy by going through my wallet and then trying to make me believe that my friend did not care about me. He was so cruel that his own sister, who was there at the time as well, had to tell him to stop.

The one thing you should not expect is for a narcissist to be there for you during your time of need.  Even in a situation where you have been diagnosed with a fatal health condition. That means nothing to them. The thing you should expect from them is to be extremely uncaring and indifferent towards your suffering, your pain, and your fear.

This is one of those times when you do not want to look for a shred of humanity inside the narcissistic individual.

Another reason narcissists act this way is that when you are sick, people are going to be paying attention to you and they’re going to be giving you their focus and time and their care.

And what happens when people are giving that to you? It typically takes those things away from the narcissist themselves. They are no longer the center of attention, which as you know since you think you’re dealing with a narcissist, this is very important to them. They want all the attention on them. They don’t want other people getting the attention.  In their mind, there’s only so much attention to go around and so if it’s going to be on anyone, it should be on them.

Think about it this way, thinking or expecting the narcissist to care or to be there for you when you are in a vulnerable situation – such as having received a very unsettling health diagnosis – is like putting a baby duckling in a lion’s den and expecting the lion not to eat it.

That is the nature of the lion. You can’t do that and think, ‘Oh, this one time things could be different’. First of all, you don’t want to take chances like that because, metaphorically, you’re the baby duckling and the narcissist is the lion.

We need to start looking at patterns of behavior. We need to accept that the narcissist doesn’t care and there’s absolutely nothing that you or I or anyone can do. In my article that I referred to, I talk about how narcissists can be very cruel and unkind when you have received a diagnosis of cancer or maybe a neurological condition, which by the way either of those things are probably caused by the narcissistic abuse that you have been enduring for so long.  It has been medically proven that when you are in a state of trauma and emergency mode 24/7, these are prime conditions for you to develop things such as certain types of cancers.  It can even cause your IQ to drop. Your brain cannot tolerate being under this kind of stress.

I’ve seen academics who can no longer read a paragraph because of the neurological damage they sustained from narcissistic abuse.

So, if you think you are dealing with a narcissist, it’s very important for you to come to a place of acceptance around this and realize that you have two choices. You can either stay in that relationship with a person you know doesn’t care and accept that they will never care or you can try to leave. You can start those baby steps and if you’re wondering how to do that, I really encourage you to check out The Essential Break Free Bootcamp. I’ve included the link here so you can go check it out.  It has been vetted by people in the psychological and neurological communities. 

You can’t heal in an environment where you are exposed to trauma all the time.

And I can’t think of many more things that are more traumatic than being diagnosed with a fatal health condition and the person that you want to be there for you simply doesn’t care in your time of need.  Staying in a relationship like this will almost guarantee that you won’t successfully embark on the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.

Instead of being cared for and looked after, and at least being given companionship, you’re having to deal with the fact that not only might you not be here much longer, but you’re having to deal with this person’s in difference and cruelty.

That is enough to make some people give up, and I hope that’s not you.

Please understand that this is not the kind of thing that you can get through alone. That’s why I encourage you to check out my program. It’s going to give you the steps to take to get out of that situation and start healing your life. It’s going to teach you empowering habits. There are some exclusive guided meditations in there for you, and hey, if you don’t like it, at the end of 30 days you can get your money back. 

You really deserve a better life and I hope you’ll take that chance on yourself.

If this article resonates with you and you know it’s time to stop the chaos, end the mental torture, and begin healing your life, then I’d love for you to join us in our Warrior Inner Circle by claiming your free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap.

You can sign up right here.

If you’re ready to go deeper and change your life right now, I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.

I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.

Learn more here!

Your healed life starts with one step...

Claim your free Email Recovery Course and Healing Roadmap. Includes expert advice and tips for encouragement and support. * Seating in my masterclass: 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell PLUS +* How would your life be different without narcissistic abuse? * 30-Day New Life calendar + more!

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Leave a Comment:

Kay says October 19, 2020

This is true. I remember once I had our 2 daughters. N the tire went flat on my suv. I called her to bring me the full size spare in the garage . We were supposed to go for supper with friends when I got home. But when I called n told her. All she said it’s okay fine well I’m leaving to meet them, I’ll just tell them you couldn’t make it. N she hung up like she was mad n then wouldn’t answer her phone. I text her saying thanks in stranded n needed help. Then my phone died. So me n our daughters had to walk super far. She told me later on that she didn’t think about my situation she was to concerned about supper.

Gregory Connor says June 2, 2020

Good morning, Kim, the quote from R.H.Sin and your article reminds me of something I was told by a friend, ” If Satan can’t knock you out he sends in the narcissist”.

Anonymous says June 1, 2020

Yes Kim I was and am always searching for angels. Yes he didn’t allow me to attend my father’s funeral. Treated me like dirt during both pregnancies and deliveries. Had his face puffed and screwed up for every celebration. When I received support from my uncle who asked me to keep myself safe I left and had no contact with him till he died. He did all the smear campaign with his flying monkeys but Jesus was good even His boss said ” I think no one can live with a man like him” . How they love to see you sad so demonic only if it’s from the devil can anyone be so cruel. And yes thank you once again Kim for putting on paper without feeling ashamed what you have gone through. I threw this toxic shame out when I left him.

Anonymous says June 1, 2020

Lost my dad to terminal cancer right before our wedding, mom fell 7 months later was put on respirator due to severe brain injury, sister diagnosed battled terminal cancer for 3 years with 2 young kids. Worst time of my life. Needed him desperately to care for our 2 kids. Instead he used all his time and energy to torture me. I don’t need to get into details as we all know exactly what the torture is from a narcissist. Turned both kids against me saying that I smiled and always ran for my niece and nephew and always said no to our kids and was nasty. Would say in front of them that I put them last on the list and abandoned them. Among very loud and nasty accusations and names. There for you??? Yes, they will be there for you, using every disgusting and evil thing they can. He would flip out if anyone ever dared to disrespect his sister or parents. Nothing even close to what he thought was completely acceptable for me and our kids. Hypocrite and just down right evil and entitled & so on, & on & on.

    Anonymous says June 1, 2020

    Oh I forgot to mention that I couldn’t dare let him see me happy or smiling or excited about something cause then he was all over it to see how he could literally make me feel as if I got caught committing a crime. Honestly, life with him was truly serving a sentence for a crime I did not commit. Thank you Kim for all of this. Along with learning more and more about my faith and prayers which I believe led me to finally find you, gave me the go ahead to know I had to get out and put an end to this madness before it ended my life.

Michelle says June 1, 2020

The day after my C-section, still in the hospital, my now exnarc husband called me an F@$& Bitch when I said I would like to try to nurse my son again and to please let me do that when he’s hungry instead of holding him and walking around the room. He was angry because he thought I was “bossing him around.” Even as a first time mother, I knew a hungry cry when I heard it. That was 10 years ago. We were together for 21 and I’m so glad things did escalate to the point that the divorce occurred 8 months ago. Still mourning the death of a marriage and a broken family, but not him. I didn’t know what he was-narc- until my therapist recognized it in 2018.

Rugia says June 1, 2020

I can recall when I stood in the midst of cheerful faces during my graduation with my eyes teemed with tears.
I was completely ALONE, I felt like I never was married.
The one person who could have been there with me was just not AVAILABLE.
Narcs care not how we feel, all they care is how we care about them.
The ‘Attention’ as Kim mentioned.

Thank you Kim ❤️

Recovering says June 1, 2020

I can very much relate to this article. When my father had cancer I would visit and support him 5 hours drive away. Without fail my narcassistic ex would have an argument with me before I left, gaslight me and complain about having to look after our kids. When my father died he refused to drive with my kids to the funeral because he was too busy at work. At the time I was astounded. He did eventually drive there reluctantly only because his mother straightened him out. However, while he was at the wake he treated it like a big party and food feast. It was so disrespectful and embarrassing. That incident was a pivotal incident in me deciding to separate & later divorse him…

barbara westbrook says June 1, 2020

Being the ex of a Narcissist, I had 2 family members pass away and let me tell you when I say that within 24 hours – I was told to get over it, it was their time to go – now I need to let it go. HOWEVER – when it was HIS family member – he milked the mourning for months…..family members he didn’t even get along with – lasted for months. He used it as excuses for everything from not going to work to getting drunk (like every other night) – to not cleaning up after himself (like he never did anyway) – to doing nothing at all.
People dying is a fact of life, we are born to die eventually I know, however, the love for a person who dies suddenly and unexpectedly or in a manner that is gruesome in general is gut wrenching and nobody can tell you when to get over it or how to deal with it. A narcissist will give you about 24 hours and then they want the attention back and if they dont get it – they will demand it, or you will go through hell (even more than normal) till they get it.

Brenda Barton says June 1, 2020

My mother was very violent and had alot of rage I somehow became the target of but she atleast gave me a break when I was sick but the heartless, merciless narc would attack me and emotionally batter me to tears even when I had a sky high fever of over a hundred and three! Thank God I went No contact and left him two years ago

Anonymous says March 30, 2020

I was married to a narcissist for 33 yrs before he discarded me. When my mother died he threatened to lock me me in psych ward if I didn’t stop crying. I never cried over her again. Your message just reminded me of this. After 2 years of therapy im so Thankful he’s gone. I can really say him discarding me is the best thing he has ever done for me in 33 yrs

La toya Maddox says November 6, 2019

My narcissist got mad when i got pregnant and let me and he is trying to come around the baby when she was 9 moms old and me gaving me the silent treatment and saying or doing mean stuff and was trying to act all in control..I had got my child support from him finally and went no contract. I think he was using me and the baby for supply. I felt bad for my baby but i knew it was best for her. Who wants a dad who didn’t even care if she was here or not. And demand me to abortion her. It was a mess. But like i say i went no contact I’m trying to deal with this situation he left me with his mental and emotional abuse. I didn’t want thr baby to grow up and feel this.

KayJay says October 19, 2019

God bless you and yours for your insightful vids (on YT is how I eventually found your blog. It’s been a real eye opener! I came to realize that my family members are N’s, I ran away since the age of 5, 2 of my sisters went from co-Star

Joan says October 12, 2019

My Narc husband has ZERO empathy. He couldn’t even bring himself to offer condolences upon the sudden deaths of both my parents within weeks of each other. Refused to accompany me when our child was having a serious surgery. Too many more examples to count! Yet I care for both his parents who have terminal illnesses . He has zero compassion for them too.
I have done countless good things for my husband over decades , it’s never enough for him. He “ forgets “ most everything I’ve done to help him.
I am emotionally and physically drained from it all, he’s sucked me dry.
Nice home, 5 great kids , no thanks to him. I’ve catered to his every whim.
I pray that someday I will find someone to love me the way I’ve loved him all these years. I deserve better. Our children are disgusted by his behavior. The older my narc gets , the worse the behavior becomes. I’ve given up hope he’ll ever change.

Katharine says September 24, 2019

Dear Kim,
I wrote in a comment quite a few days ago and for awhile I saw my name at the top of your comments page with a note saying my comment was being moderated. But I haven’t heard back from you, don’t see my comment posted, and no longer even see the remark that it’s being moderated. I also don’t see any of the many very helpful comments that were posted at the time I sent my comment to you. [A few new comments show up instead].
My situation is that I am the single mother of an only child — my daughter, now 48 years old.
Although over the years we have had problems (many of which stemmed from what I now realize are her narcissistic tendencies) we were also very close. Four months ago I lost both my home and most of my income and I was totally shocked and destroyed when my daughter turned on me with unbelievable hatred and has completely abandoned me.
Of all the reading I’ve been doing on narcissism, I find what you write to be far and away the most helpful. But since most of what you write is about being in a couples relationship — and since the situation of being a 73 year old woman abandoned in her first time of real need by her only child — I feel I am in a somewhat different situation. I am hoping that you (or one of your readers on your comments page) might be able to direct me to reading material (something you have written would of course be best), a therapist, or either an online or in-person group that deals more specifically with parents of adult children with narcissistic personality disorder.
I am in desperate need of help and, since everything you write completely resonates with me and has really been serving as my lifeline, I am urgently requesting your reply.
Thank you so much

Brenda Barton says September 9, 2019

I left my Narcassistic abuser about a year ago but I remember being extremely shocked at his cruelty. Like one of the final last episodes I was deathly sick running a fever of 102.3 from being septic from an infection that was in my bloodstream and he had lost his phone again and emotionally andpsychlogically battered and terrerizzed me for hours accusing me of stealing it with a sky high fever

    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    I’m sorry that happened to you, Brenda…but glad to know you left him. I hope you’re doing well.

    Kim XoXo

Worried says September 9, 2019

Yep, we had a camping trip planned and the morning we were to leave, I got a call that my brother had committed suicide. I ran to my families side. He went ahead and went on the camping trip instead of being by my side.

    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    Oh my goodness, how awful! I hope you’re out of that relationship!

    Kim XoXo

Geraldine says September 6, 2019

So true and usually ridicule you at the same time as you are at your lowest point. So happy to be away from it all now. They are such pathetic people when you see them for what they are although of course it is an incredibly painful and humiliating experience to go through. The hardest part is just to realise that absolutely none of it meant anything to them but once I accepted that fact, I started to heal. I still watch your videos Kim as my enforcement programme to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again. I just am thankful that I’m me and not them.

Tana says September 5, 2019

Thank you.

Shay Byrd says September 5, 2019

I wish I had the 37$ .This is the first light I’ve seen in years…

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