Why the Narcissist is Not There for You in Your Time of Need

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Have you made the devastating discovery that the narcissist is not there for you when you need them the most?

Have they met you with cold indifference when your emotions were in peril, sending you into a spiraling vortex of despair?

Whereas you’ve always wanted to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, the narcissist simply siphons your compassionate energy like fuel for an engine, then leaves you immobilized and discarded without a care in the world when you’re at your most vulnerable.

If this describes your relationship, this article will explain why the narcissist is not there for you, as well as the next steps you can take for transformational healing.

 

Video Transcript

Why the Narcissist is Not There for You

Today I’m going to be answering a question.  I thought I’d try out a Q & A format and see how that goes for you. Today’s question is from Madeline and she wants to know, ‘Why is the narcissist not there for you when you are battling a fatal health condition?’

So, let’s take a moment to think back on the things we know about narcissistic individuals. The first being that they have no empathy.

I’ve written a blog article on this very thing that’s called ‘Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times’. Even though Madeline doesn’t mention being discarded, she does talk about how the narcissist is not there for her.

Read:  Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times

If you’re on Instagram or Facebook, you’ve probably seen the quote floating around that says, ‘Stop looking for angels where only demons reside’.  It’s loosely based on a quote by R. H. Sin. narcissist discardThis is truly important to keep in mind if you think you are dealing with a narcissistic individual. It’s kind of an oxymoron to ask why a narcissist can’t be there for you in a time of need.

In my above-referenced article, I talk specifically about why narcissists are not interested in being there for you when you need them – when you’re the most vulnerable – and it’s largely that narcissists truly do not care about other people.

The only thing narcissists care about is what they can get from other people.

Perhaps you’ve had a situation where you’re thinking, “Well, I’m not dealing with a narcissist because one time when I was sick, they were really nice or they were very helpful.”

I encourage you to go back in time and think about what was going on around that incident.

Maybe the two of you had seemingly reconciled after you caught them cheating or you caught them in a huge lie. If they were acting nice, it was probably after an episode like that.

Or perhaps you have a sick family member and they’re thinking they’re going to kick the bucket sometime soon and they’re really hoping to be around if an inheritance comes along. These are only a few reasons a narcissistic individual would be kind to you.

But that is not the most common case.  What I see in my line of work is narcissists always discard people or, at the very least, are extremely cruel to them during the person’s time of need.

I’ve seen stories where a woman is in the hospital giving birth to their child and the narcissist doesn’t even show up for the birth. They’re out trying to mine other narcissistic supply or maybe they’re grooming someone, and they can’t be bothered with something like the birth of a child, not even their own.

This is how indifferent and truly uncaring narcissists can be.

The one thing narcissists are very consistent about is the fact that they can be extremely cruel, indifferent, unkind, and uncaring.

So, we don’t want to continue asking why a narcissist does the things they do because all you have to do is a Google search and you’re going to find out exactly the reasons they act the way they do.

Narcissists find it very inconvenient to have to care for someone or to be there for someone.

I’ve had experience with this myself.

Back before I had my third son. I had a tumor, an ovarian tumor. Luckily it turned out to be benign, but I did have to have it removed. I was barely coming out of the anesthesia, just waking up from being unconscious during the surgery and my ex was sitting, rifling through my wallet, checking out everything I had in there and asking, ‘Why is your friend, Betti, not here?’

‘You think your friend loves you? Well, where is she? I don’t see her anywhere. I told you she’s not a good friend.’

Instead of being there for me, he was violating my privacy by going through my wallet and then trying to make me believe that my friend did not care about me. He was so cruel that his own sister, who was there at the time as well, had to tell him to stop.

The one thing you should not expect is for a narcissist to be there for you during your time of need.  Even in a situation where you have been diagnosed with a fatal health condition. That means nothing to them.

What you should expect from them is to be extremely uncaring and indifferent towards your suffering, your pain, and your fear.

This is one of those times when you do not want to look for a shred of humanity inside the narcissistic individual.

Another reason narcissists act this way is that when you are sick, people are going to be paying attention to you and they’re going to be giving you their focus and time and their care.

And what happens when people are giving that to you? It typically takes those things away from the narcissist. They are no longer the center of attention, which as you know since you think you’re dealing with a narcissist, this is very important to them.

Narcissists want all the attention on them. They don’t want other people getting the attention.  In their mind, there’s only so much attention to go around and so if it’s going to be on anyone, it should be on them.

Think about it this way, thinking or expecting the narcissist to care or to be there for you when you are in a vulnerable situation – such as having received a very unsettling health diagnosis – is like putting a baby duckling in a lion’s den and expecting the lion not to eat it.

That is the nature of the lion. You can’t do that and think, ‘Oh, this one time things could be different’.

First of all, you don’t want to take chances like that because, metaphorically, you’re the baby duckling and the narcissist is the lion.

We need to start looking at patterns of behavior. We need to accept that the narcissist doesn’t care and there’s absolutely nothing that you or I or anyone can do.

In the article that I referred to above, I talk about how narcissists can be very cruel and unkind when you have received a diagnosis of cancer or maybe a neurological condition, which by the way either of those things is probably caused by the narcissistic abuse that you have been enduring for so long.  It has been medically proven that when you are in a state of trauma and emergency mode 24/7, these are prime conditions for you to develop things such as certain types of cancers. 

It can even cause your IQ to drop. Your brain cannot tolerate being under this kind of stress.

I’ve seen academics who can no longer read a paragraph because of the neurological damage they sustained from narcissistic abuse.

So, if you think you are dealing with a narcissist, it’s very important for you to come to a place of acceptance around this and realize that you have two choices. You can either stay in that relationship with a person you know doesn’t care and accept that they will never care…or you can try to leave. You can start those baby steps and if you’re wondering how to do that, I really encourage you to check out The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.  It has been vetted by professionals in the psychological and neurological communities. 

You can’t heal in an environment where you are exposed to trauma all the time.

I can’t think of many things that are more traumatic than being diagnosed with a fatal health condition and the person that you want to be there for you simply doesn’t care in your time of need. 

Staying in a relationship like this will almost guarantee that you won’t successfully embark on the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.

Instead of being cared for and looked after, and at least being given companionship, you’re having to deal with the fact that not only might you not be here much longer, but you’re having to deal with this person’s indifference and cruelty.

That is enough to make some people give up, and I hope that’s not you.

Please understand that this is not the kind of thing that you can get through alone. That’s why I encourage you to check out my program. It’s going to give you the steps to take to get out of that situation and start healing your life. It’s going to teach you empowering habits. There are some exclusive guided meditations in there for you, and hey, if you don’t like it, at the end of 30 days you can get your money back. 

You really deserve a better life and I hope you’ll take that chance on yourself.

If this article resonates with you and you know it’s time to stop the chaos, end the mental torture, and begin healing your life, then I’d love for you to join us in our Warrior Inner Circle by claiming your free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap.

You can sign up right here.

If you’re ready to go deeper and change your life right now, I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.

I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.

Learn more here!


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32 comments
Anonymous says May 13, 2021

My ex bf from decades ago is introverted but a narcissist. Everyone thinks he is so nice and wonderful. He has had multiple marriages and divorces. I broke off with him decades ago because he was too self-centered. Fast forward to a few yrs ago. My sweet husband of many yrs. passed and this guy came back around. Nothing really got started because when he did not get his way with something very minor that was none of his business anyway, he abruptly turned his back on me at the worst possible time and I finally saw how cruel he really was. Everything he did in our past relationship now makes sense. He put on a good act of being kind until one little thing did not go his way. I also caught him in some lies.
He still has everyone else fooled not me! It seems he never suffers for his bad acts. He seems much worse now that he is older. I was appalled at the way he treated me as he was the one who pursued me.

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Joy says May 12, 2021

Your articles are always insightful but, to date, this one resonates with me most of all.

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Jenn says May 12, 2021

Thank you so much for your emails. I often feel all alone in this world and as if I dont have anyone to run to for help. You have saved my life. Your emails always make me feel like you wrote them for me because they describe what I’m going thru at that moment. It gives me a little bit of my confidence back that he has broken down and stripped away. Just enough to not give up on myself and life. Thank you for keeping me going. God bless you.

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Harold lazarus says May 12, 2021

I just want to take a minute out and thank you for your encouragement and support in your articles I’m sure it’s great help to many Who has experience narcissist Abused I’m making great progress I also want to mention that things that I did not notice at the time when I was with the narcissist ie cheating sneaking around disappearing never thought about it at the time but I can see it now and I want them to be a distant memory so much. There were under my nose and I didn’t see it it was so obvious but yet I didn’t catch on maybe it was a good thing because it can drive a person instate of revenge thank goodness. I am surprise that these narcissist I seem to get away with what they do and that people have they have hurt has not taken revenge I don’t know what I do if I was aware of the cheating the line manipulating book but most of all the cheating I don’t know what I’d would’ve done I’m so happy I’m not with her anymore and my life is improving every day.

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Stephen says May 11, 2021

Everyone is absolutely right. My daughter’s mother refuses to pay awarded costs or past 10 months child support. The mental abuse is way out of control. This is truly a mental illness. There is absolutely no conscious awareness of what cruelty they are inflicting. She continues her pattern 9 years and counting. I grow stronger every day. I need too and will be here for my daughter. We both deserve the best ever.

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Carol says March 1, 2021

I thought I would share this with you and explain a little more. Our son had a child seven months ago .I was ill thyroid depression at the time not known not diagnosed until the breakdown blood test and the braveness to tell the doctor what was in my head pycotic thoughts frightening me. I was shielding a ill husband at the same our son had a pregnant partner I was trying to get in touch with meeting up making sure they were ok giving buying help for baby etc.. We tried hard to keep in touch but nothing much back also a daughter due to have a long eight hour op for a heart repair also tried keeping in touch sometimes with no contact back. We thought we were a close family so all this came as a shock. Baby arrive I had a mental break down within the breakdown said some hurtful but sadly true comments obviously hurtful but at the same time my mind had gone seeing imaginary things now been diagnosed as an autoimmune disease. Our son and partner have cut my husband and I off. Daughter contacted her brother four weeks ago telling him about her life saving op and he hasn’t contacted her since. He has never been like this. His father went to visit them but our sons partner infantile grabbed the child our grandson went into their property with our son and locked my husband out on the street drawing the curtains. Our sons partner is wicked she dressed our grandchild up in an outfit our daughter bought him got our daughters attention then withdrew every bit of his life from her on social internet. I am not sure if our son is even aware of her actions sadly come to realize he is either frightened of her or is the same as her it hurts haven’t seen grandchild for seven months I will be honest it will have hurt them I told him I couldn’t bond but my head was so ill I told my son I was ill because I knew I was ill .All my life I wanted to be a gran so it just didn’t add up I was numb felt nothing then had a full break down. The situation is so sad I remember holding nursing my grandson rubbing his arm tenderly I have such a loving memory now I am getting better with tablets. I told all this to my daughter. I was worried about her taking the baby from me thats how ill I was genuinely ill after all she had taken the child away from her own family and friends including my sons friends. In the past we have bought her gifts she has spoilt them by painting on them or we never see them again and she will tell you plainly that she dislikes them! I tried to get on with her had no hard feelings towards her in fact felt sorry for her until the day came when I woke up to her horrid bossy controlling vindictive manner and that was the day I had a brake down when reality struck. I stupidly texted my son asking him what was going on in his life he showed all the info to his partner and that was that I was told he never wants me in his life again. And after that was when she they stopped seeing my daughter his sister and dressed the baby up in the outfit she bought him got our daughters attention on social media then irradiated the child from our life’s. Our daughter is so upset that her brother has not contacted her she loves me and her dad and her brother but always told me never to disclose anything to our sons partner I guess she was right. I am getting better now I have councelling but as you say when their hurt and I get this narcs just feel sorry for themselves it was never ever diliberate but we are all now deprived of a nephew and grandson. Treatment has helped me to realize I was am still ill but they just feel sorry for themselves I get this but its our grandson I feel sorry for he has no one but them. They are cutting of their noses to spite their faces. I have said sorry so sorry but also explained I was ill but at the same time there is no smoke with out fire and I now think our son frankly is a disgrace but understand that its not that simple in certain relationships.

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Jan B says January 1, 2021

I just came across this and it finally helps to explain my ex’s behavior when my mom was literally dying from cancer for several months. He would not take our son so I could sleep at her bedside in the hospital and then the hospice. I had to leave our son with my dad and his wife and then my ex would get mad about that, hanging up the phone on me when I told him where his son was or refusing to pick him up from my dad’s house. We had already broken up but were coparenting. After I buried my mom he tried to get back with me. When I brought up his cruel and punishing behavior during the worst time in my life, he said I never told him how sick my mom was and that he didn’t know she was dying. There were times when I doubted myself and wondered if what he was saying was true- that perhaps it was possible that he simply didn’t know what was going on all those months. But I remember telling him that her cancer had spread and he made a cruel joke about it which I had chalked up to him being unable to deal with the bad news.
Thank you for all you do to help people like me finally realize that what we see and feel in these people is very real.

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Kay says October 19, 2020

This is true. I remember once I had our 2 daughters. N the tire went flat on my suv. I called her to bring me the full size spare in the garage . We were supposed to go for supper with friends when I got home. But when I called n told her. All she said it’s okay fine well I’m leaving to meet them, I’ll just tell them you couldn’t make it. N she hung up like she was mad n then wouldn’t answer her phone. I text her saying thanks in stranded n needed help. Then my phone died. So me n our daughters had to walk super far. She told me later on that she didn’t think about my situation she was to concerned about supper.

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Gregory Connor says June 2, 2020

Good morning, Kim, the quote from R.H.Sin and your article reminds me of something I was told by a friend, ” If Satan can’t knock you out he sends in the narcissist”.

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Anonymous says June 1, 2020

Yes Kim I was and am always searching for angels. Yes he didn’t allow me to attend my father’s funeral. Treated me like dirt during both pregnancies and deliveries. Had his face puffed and screwed up for every celebration. When I received support from my uncle who asked me to keep myself safe I left and had no contact with him till he died. He did all the smear campaign with his flying monkeys but Jesus was good even His boss said ” I think no one can live with a man like him” . How they love to see you sad so demonic only if it’s from the devil can anyone be so cruel. And yes thank you once again Kim for putting on paper without feeling ashamed what you have gone through. I threw this toxic shame out when I left him.

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Anonymous says June 1, 2020

Lost my dad to terminal cancer right before our wedding, mom fell 7 months later was put on respirator due to severe brain injury, sister diagnosed battled terminal cancer for 3 years with 2 young kids. Worst time of my life. Needed him desperately to care for our 2 kids. Instead he used all his time and energy to torture me. I don’t need to get into details as we all know exactly what the torture is from a narcissist. Turned both kids against me saying that I smiled and always ran for my niece and nephew and always said no to our kids and was nasty. Would say in front of them that I put them last on the list and abandoned them. Among very loud and nasty accusations and names. There for you??? Yes, they will be there for you, using every disgusting and evil thing they can. He would flip out if anyone ever dared to disrespect his sister or parents. Nothing even close to what he thought was completely acceptable for me and our kids. Hypocrite and just down right evil and entitled & so on, & on & on.

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    Anonymous says June 1, 2020

    Oh I forgot to mention that I couldn’t dare let him see me happy or smiling or excited about something cause then he was all over it to see how he could literally make me feel as if I got caught committing a crime. Honestly, life with him was truly serving a sentence for a crime I did not commit. Thank you Kim for all of this. Along with learning more and more about my faith and prayers which I believe led me to finally find you, gave me the go ahead to know I had to get out and put an end to this madness before it ended my life.

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Susie says June 1, 2020

Kim, your messages totally resonate with me and I am the victim of narcissistic abuse for 56 years from my mother, who recently died, and my only sibling is also a narcissistic abuser! How do you break away when it’s your blood family not a romantic relationship?

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Michelle says June 1, 2020

The day after my C-section, still in the hospital, my now exnarc husband called me an [email protected]$& Bitch when I said I would like to try to nurse my son again and to please let me do that when he’s hungry instead of holding him and walking around the room. He was angry because he thought I was “bossing him around.” Even as a first time mother, I knew a hungry cry when I heard it. That was 10 years ago. We were together for 21 and I’m so glad things did escalate to the point that the divorce occurred 8 months ago. Still mourning the death of a marriage and a broken family, but not him. I didn’t know what he was-narc- until my therapist recognized it in 2018.

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Rugia says June 1, 2020

I can recall when I stood in the midst of cheerful faces during my graduation with my eyes teemed with tears.
I was completely ALONE, I felt like I never was married.
The one person who could have been there with me was just not AVAILABLE.
Narcs care not how we feel, all they care is how we care about them.
The ‘Attention’ as Kim mentioned.

Thank you Kim ❤️

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Recovering says June 1, 2020

I can very much relate to this article. When my father had cancer I would visit and support him 5 hours drive away. Without fail my narcassistic ex would have an argument with me before I left, gaslight me and complain about having to look after our kids. When my father died he refused to drive with my kids to the funeral because he was too busy at work. At the time I was astounded. He did eventually drive there reluctantly only because his mother straightened him out. However, while he was at the wake he treated it like a big party and food feast. It was so disrespectful and embarrassing. That incident was a pivotal incident in me deciding to separate & later divorse him…

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barbara westbrook says June 1, 2020

Being the ex of a Narcissist, I had 2 family members pass away and let me tell you when I say that within 24 hours – I was told to get over it, it was their time to go – now I need to let it go. HOWEVER – when it was HIS family member – he milked the mourning for months…..family members he didn’t even get along with – lasted for months. He used it as excuses for everything from not going to work to getting drunk (like every other night) – to not cleaning up after himself (like he never did anyway) – to doing nothing at all.
People dying is a fact of life, we are born to die eventually I know, however, the love for a person who dies suddenly and unexpectedly or in a manner that is gruesome in general is gut wrenching and nobody can tell you when to get over it or how to deal with it. A narcissist will give you about 24 hours and then they want the attention back and if they dont get it – they will demand it, or you will go through hell (even more than normal) till they get it.

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Brenda Barton says June 1, 2020

My mother was very violent and had alot of rage I somehow became the target of but she atleast gave me a break when I was sick but the heartless, merciless narc would attack me and emotionally batter me to tears even when I had a sky high fever of over a hundred and three! Thank God I went No contact and left him two years ago

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Anonymous says March 30, 2020

I was married to a narcissist for 33 yrs before he discarded me. When my mother died he threatened to lock me me in psych ward if I didn’t stop crying. I never cried over her again. Your message just reminded me of this. After 2 years of therapy im so Thankful he’s gone. I can really say him discarding me is the best thing he has ever done for me in 33 yrs

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La toya Maddox says November 6, 2019

My narcissist got mad when i got pregnant and let me and he is trying to come around the baby when she was 9 moms old and me gaving me the silent treatment and saying or doing mean stuff and was trying to act all in control..I had got my child support from him finally and went no contract. I think he was using me and the baby for supply. I felt bad for my baby but i knew it was best for her. Who wants a dad who didn’t even care if she was here or not. And demand me to abortion her. It was a mess. But like i say i went no contact I’m trying to deal with this situation he left me with his mental and emotional abuse. I didn’t want thr baby to grow up and feel this.

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KayJay says October 19, 2019

God bless you and yours for your insightful vids (on YT is how I eventually found your blog. It’s been a real eye opener! I came to realize that my family members are N’s, I ran away since the age of 5, 2 of my sisters went from co-Star

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Joan says October 12, 2019

My Narc husband has ZERO empathy. He couldn’t even bring himself to offer condolences upon the sudden deaths of both my parents within weeks of each other. Refused to accompany me when our child was having a serious surgery. Too many more examples to count! Yet I care for both his parents who have terminal illnesses . He has zero compassion for them too.
I have done countless good things for my husband over decades , it’s never enough for him. He “ forgets “ most everything I’ve done to help him.
I am emotionally and physically drained from it all, he’s sucked me dry.
Nice home, 5 great kids , no thanks to him. I’ve catered to his every whim.
I pray that someday I will find someone to love me the way I’ve loved him all these years. I deserve better. Our children are disgusted by his behavior. The older my narc gets , the worse the behavior becomes. I’ve given up hope he’ll ever change.

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    L.J. McDaniel says June 8, 2021

    He won’t, I was married 20 yrs, pure hell, I got all the horror stories, he just died 6 days short of his 70th birthday, before they took him away I stood at the foot of his bed and told him, I fulfilled my vows, I totally despised the man, but I did my job as a wife, I tried many times to leave him, in the end, I decided I was gonna git what I deserved! Everything he ever worked 4!! I feel bad with my thoughts because I really try to be a good Christian. All I kno now is I’M FREE! Now to pick up the pieces.

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Katharine says September 24, 2019

Dear Kim,
I wrote in a comment quite a few days ago and for awhile I saw my name at the top of your comments page with a note saying my comment was being moderated. But I haven’t heard back from you, don’t see my comment posted, and no longer even see the remark that it’s being moderated. I also don’t see any of the many very helpful comments that were posted at the time I sent my comment to you. [A few new comments show up instead].
My situation is that I am the single mother of an only child — my daughter, now 48 years old.
Although over the years we have had problems (many of which stemmed from what I now realize are her narcissistic tendencies) we were also very close. Four months ago I lost both my home and most of my income and I was totally shocked and destroyed when my daughter turned on me with unbelievable hatred and has completely abandoned me.
Of all the reading I’ve been doing on narcissism, I find what you write to be far and away the most helpful. But since most of what you write is about being in a couples relationship — and since the situation of being a 73 year old woman abandoned in her first time of real need by her only child — I feel I am in a somewhat different situation. I am hoping that you (or one of your readers on your comments page) might be able to direct me to reading material (something you have written would of course be best), a therapist, or either an online or in-person group that deals more specifically with parents of adult children with narcissistic personality disorder.
I am in desperate need of help and, since everything you write completely resonates with me and has really been serving as my lifeline, I am urgently requesting your reply.
Thank you so much

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    Marie says May 12, 2021

    I too am the parent of an adult narcissitic son… I went through sheer hell with my ex husband also a narcissist.. I too lost alot and during my lowest my son turned on me also. Looking back over the years and all his patterns of behavior it all makes sense now.. he is a true cruel narcissist and just like his heartless father. Being a mother to such a child is utterly heart breaking and cruel.. my son is very charming like my ex and plays different roles depending on who is observing him.. so .. often sadly, the victims of their abuse are not believed and add to that their slander .. the victims are portrayed as the problem person.. I only had one choice in the last few years and that was deciding I had ENOUGH of all the abuse, lies, slander and cruelty.. so I moved and changed my phone number so none of the flying monkies nor the narcissts can get to me any longer. God help us!

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Brenda Barton says September 9, 2019

I left my Narcassistic abuser about a year ago but I remember being extremely shocked at his cruelty. Like one of the final last episodes I was deathly sick running a fever of 102.3 from being septic from an infection that was in my bloodstream and he had lost his phone again and emotionally andpsychlogically battered and terrerizzed me for hours accusing me of stealing it with a sky high fever

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    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    I’m sorry that happened to you, Brenda…but glad to know you left him. I hope you’re doing well.

    Kim XoXo

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Worried says September 9, 2019

Yep, we had a camping trip planned and the morning we were to leave, I got a call that my brother had committed suicide. I ran to my families side. He went ahead and went on the camping trip instead of being by my side.

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    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    Oh my goodness, how awful! I hope you’re out of that relationship!

    Kim XoXo

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Geraldine says September 6, 2019

So true and usually ridicule you at the same time as you are at your lowest point. So happy to be away from it all now. They are such pathetic people when you see them for what they are although of course it is an incredibly painful and humiliating experience to go through. The hardest part is just to realise that absolutely none of it meant anything to them but once I accepted that fact, I started to heal. I still watch your videos Kim as my enforcement programme to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again. I just am thankful that I’m me and not them.

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Tana says September 5, 2019

Thank you.

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Shay Byrd says September 5, 2019

I wish I had the 37$ .This is the first light I’ve seen in years…

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