Why the Narcissist is Not There for You in Your Time of Need

Last year just a few days after Thanksgiving my sister passed away suddenly. I had not yet realized that I was in a relationship with a narcisst. Although I did recognize the gaslighting and I was in full denial that he would ever hurt me. The day that my sister passed he left a few hours before I got the call. I asked him to come back to my house because I didn’t want to be alone and I needed him to be there for me. He blatantly told me he would not. I never experienced such cold hearted cruelty in my life. Not only was I dealing with the loss of my beloved sister I had to deal with the heartbreak of rejection from the man I love, who I quite frankly thought was having a stroke and not in his right mind. That was the beginning of the end for me. When I told him we needed to put our differences aside so I could deal with my loss, and said “This isn’t about you”, he said “Well at some point it has to be about me”. I knew that something was seriously wrong and began my never ending googling sessions. That’s when I learned about narcissistic abuse. That’s when I found you Kim. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of a year. I went through it all. Just as though he wrote the book on narcissism. I never felt pain like that before. I’m stronger now. I still have some contact only because he had a severe mental break and he has no family here. He knows I see right through him now and hates it, but I am doing much better than before. I will probably never get over the fact that anyone could be that cruel and callous. My faith in humanity is shattered. I have lost everything because of this man. I’m still homeless and my friends are no longer my friends. But I’m okay with moving forward. I want to thank you for what you do Kim. Without you who knows if I would have ever known that this was absolutely not my fault. I’m almost me again and I will never allow another human being treat me like that ever again!! Peace and Love!!!

Several years ago, I threw out my back. I was lying on the floor unable to get up. Every nerve signal was shooting just about everywhere to the point where I couldn’t even walk. My husband went downstairs and watched football. I called my sister on the phone and she came over so then my husband decides to call the ambulance. More recently I needed a tooth extracted and asked if he’d drive me. He complained about all his important work meetings he’d have to reschedule. Yep. These guys are cruel and awful.

My late father had moved into sheltered accommodation near us a few years ago, because of deteriorating health. My husband tried to get me to visit him less often, saying that I should be spending more time with my own family. If I spent longer visiting my father than my husband was happy about I had to answer questions about where I’d been, and “I was beginning to wonder if something had happened to you” when I got home. After my father died, my husband went to the funeral but was keen to leave as soon as it was over. A few days later he was literally throwing the money my father had left me up in the air in celebration while I sat in the kitchen fighting back tears. From time to time he stuck his head round the door and suggested things we could spend it on. He did apologise later (after I had to point out to him that I was upset), but his behaviour was so far beyond the pale to me that this incident was one of the main things which helped to lead me into finding out about narcissism.

Dear Kim,
Your timing on this videos is pure synchronicity to me. I was thinking about why my husband left me for dead when I fell in our barn. I had just gotten home from a trip to Boston and my husband had not fed the horses, as he promised. I went to pull a bale of hay down off the top of a big stack that was just delivered and my hay hooks let go. I fell up against a wall then to the ground. I was knocked out and when I came to I tried to get up and fell right back down because I had crushed my Tibia Plateau in my knee plus had a broken arm! It was winter and snowing outside side. I crawled out of the barn and yelled for help saying I was badly injured. I know my husband hurt me because the house was close but he did not come to my rescue. A neighbor who was a doctor came to help me and he lived much father away then my home so if he herd me so did my husband. The doctor told my husband not to move me and to call an ambulance but my husband just put me in the truck and drove me to hospital to save money on the ambulance.
I was admitted to the hospital for 3 months during which time my husband was online looking for new supply to replace me, during the most difficult and traumatic time of my life! Long story short, he faxed me divorce papers to THE NURSES STATION at the hospital where everyone could read our divorce paperwork. He left me for dead and when that didn’t work he divorced my while I was trying to recuperate in the hospital not knowing if I’d ever walk again on that leg!
I can’t thank you enough beautiful, kind souled Kim, for all your help as your videos have taught me so much about what I went through and how to thrive after this insidious form of abuse. You’re truly an Angel on earth and I appreciate you!
Lisa

This is especially hard when it’s your mum who is the narcissist. I wondered why, when I tried to kill myself, my mum left me to cope with it. When I had a very traumatic relationship and then split up with my boyfriend, she became angry, said I’d ruined her life and mocked me. When I got married, she tried to ruin the day. When I was very sick during pregnancy, she played the nice/nasty game and I never knew if she’d help me or not.
It’s been very difficult with such a mother. Luckily she lives far away now.

I’m not sure if my first boyfriend was a narcissist, but there was triangulation, compliments with a sting, etc. When I needed his emotional support, he dumped me, saying I was in a mess and he needed peace and calm. It took me a long time to recover. I trusted him and felt unbelievably stupid because I let him treat me like dirt.

Thank you kim for telling it like it is, I started to feel sorry for my husband when I first engaged with you, but it dawned upon me, he is controlling himself, he’s not a child. I remember him telling me that I think am perfect, acting as if am better at church when worshipping GOD, raising arms n shouting. He even told me he can’t stand the noise I am making, so I must stop. It took me too long to see that this person is seriously sick in the head, cause showed me I’m not fit to achieve, but inside me I believed God gave strength to do more…..

Thank you for this article. This one resonates with me the most. I was with my ex narcissist for only a year, but that year did so much damage to me. You are spot on in with your words Kim. They have no empathy. He always was so charming when he wanted to, but when I needed him the most, he was just not there for me. My father passed away last year and he came to my father’s celebration of life with me, thinking he would be there for me, but after a few hours he starts crying saying he can’t handle being there and left. Next morning he’s nowhere to be seen, come to find out he is off sleeping with his ex. Toxic, toxic person. So many lies about everything that came out of his mouth, but always got me back with his charm. I took him back way too many times to count and this was only in a years time. I started getting to my weakest point in my life because of all of the trauma he put me through. The anxiety and depression he caused. His final discard was 4 months ago when I was so fed up with the pain, that I did not want to live anymore. I told him that and never heard from him again. I really realized there that wow this man is so cruel. The time that I need him the most, he goes and disappears. I knew that I couldn’t ever talk to him again. I knew that i was at my lowest and would really die if I kept on with that relationship. Changed my email, my phone number, blocked him on all social media and moved an hour away. I’ve picked myself back up these past 4 months and have felt myself getting less triggered, less sad and I can feel my body healing itself from all of the trauma I had experienced. Yes. They have no empathy and once you really realize who this people are, it gets so much easier.

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder in 2014, within a year I noticed a change, Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde started showing up, verbally, emotionally, then physically, all denied, dismissed, you’re trying to????, crazy, clumsy, not feeling well, etc. All while adapting to my chronic health, infusions/side affects, appointments.
I started planning my departure, left in 2018. My health is consistent, my numbers are consistently rising, my side affects are rare, my emotional eating is almost non existent except during times of negotiating this divorce.
What did I miss? Where was my radar? Where did the man I married go to? I may never get the answers I deserve, I am on my way to my closure after restoring my peace

My ex bf from decades ago is introverted but a narcissist. Everyone thinks he is so nice and wonderful. He has had multiple marriages and divorces. I broke off with him decades ago because he was too self-centered. Fast forward to a few yrs ago. My sweet husband of many yrs. passed and this guy came back around. Nothing really got started because when he did not get his way with something very minor that was none of his business anyway, he abruptly turned his back on me at the worst possible time and I finally saw how cruel he really was. Everything he did in our past relationship now makes sense. He put on a good act of being kind until one little thing did not go his way. I also caught him in some lies.
He still has everyone else fooled not me! It seems he never suffers for his bad acts. He seems much worse now that he is older. I was appalled at the way he treated me as he was the one who pursued me.

Your articles are always insightful but, to date, this one resonates with me most of all.

Thank you so much for your emails. I often feel all alone in this world and as if I dont have anyone to run to for help. You have saved my life. Your emails always make me feel like you wrote them for me because they describe what I’m going thru at that moment. It gives me a little bit of my confidence back that he has broken down and stripped away. Just enough to not give up on myself and life. Thank you for keeping me going. God bless you.

I just want to take a minute out and thank you for your encouragement and support in your articles I’m sure it’s great help to many Who has experience narcissist Abused I’m making great progress I also want to mention that things that I did not notice at the time when I was with the narcissist ie cheating sneaking around disappearing never thought about it at the time but I can see it now and I want them to be a distant memory so much. There were under my nose and I didn’t see it it was so obvious but yet I didn’t catch on maybe it was a good thing because it can drive a person instate of revenge thank goodness. I am surprise that these narcissist I seem to get away with what they do and that people have they have hurt has not taken revenge I don’t know what I do if I was aware of the cheating the line manipulating book but most of all the cheating I don’t know what I’d would’ve done I’m so happy I’m not with her anymore and my life is improving every day.

Everyone is absolutely right. My daughter’s mother refuses to pay awarded costs or past 10 months child support. The mental abuse is way out of control. This is truly a mental illness. There is absolutely no conscious awareness of what cruelty they are inflicting. She continues her pattern 9 years and counting. I grow stronger every day. I need too and will be here for my daughter. We both deserve the best ever.

I thought I would share this with you and explain a little more. Our son had a child seven months ago .I was ill thyroid depression at the time not known not diagnosed until the breakdown blood test and the braveness to tell the doctor what was in my head pycotic thoughts frightening me. I was shielding a ill husband at the same our son had a pregnant partner I was trying to get in touch with meeting up making sure they were ok giving buying help for baby etc.. We tried hard to keep in touch but nothing much back also a daughter due to have a long eight hour op for a heart repair also tried keeping in touch sometimes with no contact back. We thought we were a close family so all this came as a shock. Baby arrive I had a mental break down within the breakdown said some hurtful but sadly true comments obviously hurtful but at the same time my mind had gone seeing imaginary things now been diagnosed as an autoimmune disease. Our son and partner have cut my husband and I off. Daughter contacted her brother four weeks ago telling him about her life saving op and he hasn’t contacted her since. He has never been like this. His father went to visit them but our sons partner infantile grabbed the child our grandson went into their property with our son and locked my husband out on the street drawing the curtains. Our sons partner is wicked she dressed our grandchild up in an outfit our daughter bought him got our daughters attention then withdrew every bit of his life from her on social internet. I am not sure if our son is even aware of her actions sadly come to realize he is either frightened of her or is the same as her it hurts haven’t seen grandchild for seven months I will be honest it will have hurt them I told him I couldn’t bond but my head was so ill I told my son I was ill because I knew I was ill .All my life I wanted to be a gran so it just didn’t add up I was numb felt nothing then had a full break down. The situation is so sad I remember holding nursing my grandson rubbing his arm tenderly I have such a loving memory now I am getting better with tablets. I told all this to my daughter. I was worried about her taking the baby from me thats how ill I was genuinely ill after all she had taken the child away from her own family and friends including my sons friends. In the past we have bought her gifts she has spoilt them by painting on them or we never see them again and she will tell you plainly that she dislikes them! I tried to get on with her had no hard feelings towards her in fact felt sorry for her until the day came when I woke up to her horrid bossy controlling vindictive manner and that was the day I had a brake down when reality struck. I stupidly texted my son asking him what was going on in his life he showed all the info to his partner and that was that I was told he never wants me in his life again. And after that was when she they stopped seeing my daughter his sister and dressed the baby up in the outfit she bought him got our daughters attention on social media then irradiated the child from our life’s. Our daughter is so upset that her brother has not contacted her she loves me and her dad and her brother but always told me never to disclose anything to our sons partner I guess she was right. I am getting better now I have councelling but as you say when their hurt and I get this narcs just feel sorry for themselves it was never ever diliberate but we are all now deprived of a nephew and grandson. Treatment has helped me to realize I was am still ill but they just feel sorry for themselves I get this but its our grandson I feel sorry for he has no one but them. They are cutting of their noses to spite their faces. I have said sorry so sorry but also explained I was ill but at the same time there is no smoke with out fire and I now think our son frankly is a disgrace but understand that its not that simple in certain relationships.

I just came across this and it finally helps to explain my ex’s behavior when my mom was literally dying from cancer for several months. He would not take our son so I could sleep at her bedside in the hospital and then the hospice. I had to leave our son with my dad and his wife and then my ex would get mad about that, hanging up the phone on me when I told him where his son was or refusing to pick him up from my dad’s house. We had already broken up but were coparenting. After I buried my mom he tried to get back with me. When I brought up his cruel and punishing behavior during the worst time in my life, he said I never told him how sick my mom was and that he didn’t know she was dying. There were times when I doubted myself and wondered if what he was saying was true- that perhaps it was possible that he simply didn’t know what was going on all those months. But I remember telling him that her cancer had spread and he made a cruel joke about it which I had chalked up to him being unable to deal with the bad news.
Thank you for all you do to help people like me finally realize that what we see and feel in these people is very real.

Great read.

I was raised by two very Narcissistic parents. Both Medical Professionals. My father being a Psychiatrist and mother being an RN.

Now imagine if you will this. Being a 15 year old boy and sustaining a major TBI (Stage 3 Concussion) from a horrendous bicycle accident. I was in a coma for 3 days. I was released from the hospital 5 days later. Yeah….

Anyways, my parents totally abandoned me when I got home and I was left to recover on my own. STILL suffering major Post Concussion symptoms. Then two weeks later started the 10th Grade. All left to fend for myself. It was downhill from there.

Nice parents huh ?

This is true. I remember once I had our 2 daughters. N the tire went flat on my suv. I called her to bring me the full size spare in the garage . We were supposed to go for supper with friends when I got home. But when I called n told her. All she said it’s okay fine well I’m leaving to meet them, I’ll just tell them you couldn’t make it. N she hung up like she was mad n then wouldn’t answer her phone. I text her saying thanks in stranded n needed help. Then my phone died. So me n our daughters had to walk super far. She told me later on that she didn’t think about my situation she was to concerned about supper.

Good morning, Kim, the quote from R.H.Sin and your article reminds me of something I was told by a friend, ” If Satan can’t knock you out he sends in the narcissist”.

Yes Kim I was and am always searching for angels. Yes he didn’t allow me to attend my father’s funeral. Treated me like dirt during both pregnancies and deliveries. Had his face puffed and screwed up for every celebration. When I received support from my uncle who asked me to keep myself safe I left and had no contact with him till he died. He did all the smear campaign with his flying monkeys but Jesus was good even His boss said ” I think no one can live with a man like him” . How they love to see you sad so demonic only if it’s from the devil can anyone be so cruel. And yes thank you once again Kim for putting on paper without feeling ashamed what you have gone through. I threw this toxic shame out when I left him.

Lost my dad to terminal cancer right before our wedding, mom fell 7 months later was put on respirator due to severe brain injury, sister diagnosed battled terminal cancer for 3 years with 2 young kids. Worst time of my life. Needed him desperately to care for our 2 kids. Instead he used all his time and energy to torture me. I don’t need to get into details as we all know exactly what the torture is from a narcissist. Turned both kids against me saying that I smiled and always ran for my niece and nephew and always said no to our kids and was nasty. Would say in front of them that I put them last on the list and abandoned them. Among very loud and nasty accusations and names. There for you??? Yes, they will be there for you, using every disgusting and evil thing they can. He would flip out if anyone ever dared to disrespect his sister or parents. Nothing even close to what he thought was completely acceptable for me and our kids. Hypocrite and just down right evil and entitled & so on, & on & on.

Kim, your messages totally resonate with me and I am the victim of narcissistic abuse for 56 years from my mother, who recently died, and my only sibling is also a narcissistic abuser! How do you break away when it’s your blood family not a romantic relationship?

The day after my C-section, still in the hospital, my now exnarc husband called me an F@$& Bitch when I said I would like to try to nurse my son again and to please let me do that when he’s hungry instead of holding him and walking around the room. He was angry because he thought I was “bossing him around.” Even as a first time mother, I knew a hungry cry when I heard it. That was 10 years ago. We were together for 21 and I’m so glad things did escalate to the point that the divorce occurred 8 months ago. Still mourning the death of a marriage and a broken family, but not him. I didn’t know what he was-narc- until my therapist recognized it in 2018.

I can recall when I stood in the midst of cheerful faces during my graduation with my eyes teemed with tears.
I was completely ALONE, I felt like I never was married.
The one person who could have been there with me was just not AVAILABLE.
Narcs care not how we feel, all they care is how we care about them.
The ‘Attention’ as Kim mentioned.

Thank you Kim ❤️

I can very much relate to this article. When my father had cancer I would visit and support him 5 hours drive away. Without fail my narcassistic ex would have an argument with me before I left, gaslight me and complain about having to look after our kids. When my father died he refused to drive with my kids to the funeral because he was too busy at work. At the time I was astounded. He did eventually drive there reluctantly only because his mother straightened him out. However, while he was at the wake he treated it like a big party and food feast. It was so disrespectful and embarrassing. That incident was a pivotal incident in me deciding to separate & later divorse him…

Being the ex of a Narcissist, I had 2 family members pass away and let me tell you when I say that within 24 hours – I was told to get over it, it was their time to go – now I need to let it go. HOWEVER – when it was HIS family member – he milked the mourning for months…..family members he didn’t even get along with – lasted for months. He used it as excuses for everything from not going to work to getting drunk (like every other night) – to not cleaning up after himself (like he never did anyway) – to doing nothing at all.
People dying is a fact of life, we are born to die eventually I know, however, the love for a person who dies suddenly and unexpectedly or in a manner that is gruesome in general is gut wrenching and nobody can tell you when to get over it or how to deal with it. A narcissist will give you about 24 hours and then they want the attention back and if they dont get it – they will demand it, or you will go through hell (even more than normal) till they get it.

My mother was very violent and had alot of rage I somehow became the target of but she atleast gave me a break when I was sick but the heartless, merciless narc would attack me and emotionally batter me to tears even when I had a sky high fever of over a hundred and three! Thank God I went No contact and left him two years ago

I was married to a narcissist for 33 yrs before he discarded me. When my mother died he threatened to lock me me in psych ward if I didn’t stop crying. I never cried over her again. Your message just reminded me of this. After 2 years of therapy im so Thankful he’s gone. I can really say him discarding me is the best thing he has ever done for me in 33 yrs

My narcissist got mad when i got pregnant and let me and he is trying to come around the baby when she was 9 moms old and me gaving me the silent treatment and saying or doing mean stuff and was trying to act all in control..I had got my child support from him finally and went no contract. I think he was using me and the baby for supply. I felt bad for my baby but i knew it was best for her. Who wants a dad who didn’t even care if she was here or not. And demand me to abortion her. It was a mess. But like i say i went no contact I’m trying to deal with this situation he left me with his mental and emotional abuse. I didn’t want thr baby to grow up and feel this.

God bless you and yours for your insightful vids (on YT is how I eventually found your blog. It’s been a real eye opener! I came to realize that my family members are N’s, I ran away since the age of 5, 2 of my sisters went from co-Star

My Narc husband has ZERO empathy. He couldn’t even bring himself to offer condolences upon the sudden deaths of both my parents within weeks of each other. Refused to accompany me when our child was having a serious surgery. Too many more examples to count! Yet I care for both his parents who have terminal illnesses . He has zero compassion for them too.
I have done countless good things for my husband over decades , it’s never enough for him. He “ forgets “ most everything I’ve done to help him.
I am emotionally and physically drained from it all, he’s sucked me dry.
Nice home, 5 great kids , no thanks to him. I’ve catered to his every whim.
I pray that someday I will find someone to love me the way I’ve loved him all these years. I deserve better. Our children are disgusted by his behavior. The older my narc gets , the worse the behavior becomes. I’ve given up hope he’ll ever change.

Dear Kim,
I wrote in a comment quite a few days ago and for awhile I saw my name at the top of your comments page with a note saying my comment was being moderated. But I haven’t heard back from you, don’t see my comment posted, and no longer even see the remark that it’s being moderated. I also don’t see any of the many very helpful comments that were posted at the time I sent my comment to you. [A few new comments show up instead].
My situation is that I am the single mother of an only child — my daughter, now 48 years old.
Although over the years we have had problems (many of which stemmed from what I now realize are her narcissistic tendencies) we were also very close. Four months ago I lost both my home and most of my income and I was totally shocked and destroyed when my daughter turned on me with unbelievable hatred and has completely abandoned me.
Of all the reading I’ve been doing on narcissism, I find what you write to be far and away the most helpful. But since most of what you write is about being in a couples relationship — and since the situation of being a 73 year old woman abandoned in her first time of real need by her only child — I feel I am in a somewhat different situation. I am hoping that you (or one of your readers on your comments page) might be able to direct me to reading material (something you have written would of course be best), a therapist, or either an online or in-person group that deals more specifically with parents of adult children with narcissistic personality disorder.
I am in desperate need of help and, since everything you write completely resonates with me and has really been serving as my lifeline, I am urgently requesting your reply.
Thank you so much

I left my Narcassistic abuser about a year ago but I remember being extremely shocked at his cruelty. Like one of the final last episodes I was deathly sick running a fever of 102.3 from being septic from an infection that was in my bloodstream and he had lost his phone again and emotionally andpsychlogically battered and terrerizzed me for hours accusing me of stealing it with a sky high fever

Yep, we had a camping trip planned and the morning we were to leave, I got a call that my brother had committed suicide. I ran to my families side. He went ahead and went on the camping trip instead of being by my side.

So true and usually ridicule you at the same time as you are at your lowest point. So happy to be away from it all now. They are such pathetic people when you see them for what they are although of course it is an incredibly painful and humiliating experience to go through. The hardest part is just to realise that absolutely none of it meant anything to them but once I accepted that fact, I started to heal. I still watch your videos Kim as my enforcement programme to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again. I just am thankful that I’m me and not them.

Thank you.

I wish I had the 37$ .This is the first light I’ve seen in years…