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Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program
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narcissist's biggest fear

Everything You Need to Know About the Narcissist’s Biggest Fear

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Admit it.  You’ve read all the articles you could find in order to learn about the narcissist’s biggest fear.  

In fact, you may have tried a few of the suggestions in an attempt to give the narcissist a taste of their own medicine.

Only, none of it seemed to make a lick of difference.  The narcissist just yawned, garnering the same enthusiasm as watching paint dry.

If you want to know the one, irrefutable thing that narcissists are most terrified of, you’ve come to the right place.  After reading this article, you will know the formerly elusive truth about what makes the narcissist panic so you can take real action.  Action that has a future.

Sound good?

Let’s dive in…

 

Video Transcript

In today’s video, you are going to learn the number one thing that scares narcissists the most. It’s probably going to be a lot different from what you’ve previously heard. Most people will tell you that the narcissist is most afraid of indifference or being exposed. And while they certainly don’t like those things, there’s actually something else that’s even more terrifying to the narcissist.

But first, let’s touch on two things that people believe narcissists are most afraid of. The first being that narcissists are afraid of being exposed. While that may have some truth to it, narcissists are often able to regroup. Let’s say you expose them to a circle of friends.  Just like a cult leader, the narcissist will simply get rid of that group of people and form a new tribe somewhere else. So while being exposed is certainly inconvenient, it’s not something that narcissists are most afraid of.

Next, let’s talk about indifference. If you are indifferent towards the narcissist, they’re not going to like it because it’s going to make them feel like they’re losing power over you, which is the most important thing to the narcissist. So, you can be indifferent and it might cause them to Hoover you or maybe start the love-bombing phase all over again, but it’s not necessarily something that really scares them.

The Narcissist’s Biggest Fear

The number one thing that scares narcissists the most is that you will remember who you were before you met them.

From the very first day the narcissist meets you – during the love-bombing phase – what they’re trying to do is replace your thoughts with their negative and toxic programming. They spend an inordinate amount of time and energy love bombing you. This could be in the form of dinners and gifts and really, let’s face it, their time and energy.  All those late-night phone calls, the texting, and the damage control…

Unbeknownst to you, even while they’re love bombing you, most narcissists have someone else that they’re stringing along or perhaps even grooming alongside you. This takes a lot of energy.  At any rate, during the love-bombing phase the narcissist makes you feel like you have never felt before in your life.  By all accounts, this is often when people feel self-actualized for the first time in their lives.

But let me tell you what’s actually happening. This is the time when a lot of people fall in love with themselves. They actually love themselves for the first time in their lives. This is what helps the narcissist start to break you down.

During love bombing, you feel the most self-actualized.  All your unique traits, your dreams, your interests, your spirituality…the narcissist makes you feel like they are the same as you and that you are very unique and special for those things.  Make no doubt about it, you are special. But then after the love-bombing phase, the narcissist tries to do every single thing in their power to make you feel ashamed of who you are.

They want you to feel embarrassed about your dreams and your hopes and your spirituality, so they start trying to tear you down, fiber by fiber and thought by thought, so that you will end up not liking yourself.

That’s the basic and ultimate goal of every single narcissist.  This is why, most of them anyway, will try to isolate you from your friends and family. They don’t want other people telling you to leave them because they’re not good for you. For the narcissist, it’s all about control. So if the narcissist can change your thoughts, they will have ultimate control over you. And this is exactly what happens in most cases.

Why the Narcissist Doesn’t Want You to Think for Yourself

The narcissist considers you an investment in their future. They don’t want to lose all the money they’ve spent; the time and energy they’ve invested, or their efforts put toward damage control. Those things are very inconvenient for the narcissistic individual.

In the beginning, during love bombing, they might seem to be entertained and that they’re enjoying themselves.  These are the memories you will cling to when things start falling apart.  But, most everyone enjoys being entertained, perhaps by going on vacation, to the movies, or a nice dinner.  But if you’ll think back, you may remember little things they did or said to make you doubt yourself.

Maybe they admired you for your art. Maybe you’re an artist, maybe you make music, but then suddenly after a couple of months, they began to criticize your art or your music.

Or perhaps you’re a leader at your job and they started to make you doubt your leadership skills. Maybe you were studying for a really big exam to become a lawyer, for example, and they began to break you down little by little so that you doubted your own intelligence. 

Basically, what the narcissist is trying to do, almost from day one, is to reprogram your mind. And that’s a large part of what narcissistic abuse is, is the reprogramming of your mind.

You Didn’t Ask for It, You Don’t Deserve It

You’ve probably heard a lot of people saying that you’re wounded and because you’re an empath, that this is what attracted the narcissist into your life. If you have seen any of my recent work, you’ll know that I don’t really subscribe to this theory anymore.

We can hardly walk down the street in our own neighborhood without encountering and narcissist or two.

Think about it this way – and this is a point that one of my students brought up recently that really hit home for me.  Telling someone that they attract narcissists because they’re kindhearted or because they’re an empath with no boundaries is like telling someone who has been raped that they deserved it because of what they were wearing.

This is an old paradigm that we need to start busting up.

Maybe you did attract a narcissist, so to speak, because you were trying to make a connection. They’re love bombing you. It feels like they’re trying to get to know you as a person. And that’s all very exciting. What we have to do, though, when those red flags start popping up (and they will pop up) is instead of brushing them under the rug and telling yourself that you’re being compassionate, that you’re giving them some space to heal their own wounds…after the first few yellow or red flags, that’s when you need to really sit down and have a talk with yourself.

Is this person triggering some uncomfortable feelings? Are they criticizing you? Do they make you feel like nothing you do or say is ever good enough? You’re going to know.  Your intuition is going to tell you if that person is emotionally safe for you or not.

We don’t want to fall back to the old paradigm that says “hurt people, hurt people”, turn the other cheek, give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the first couple of times, but after that, you just need to cut that anchor and sail away. Even if you’ve been in the relationship for a while, even if you’ve been intimate with them already.  If they start trying to control you by making you feel bad about yourself, that is the number one, indisputable red flag that you are dealing with a narcissist.

So there you have it.  The narcissist’s biggest fear, above anything else, is that you are going to remember who you were before you met them.

Because if you remember that, if you remember how unique and divine and beautiful you are, you’re not going to spend another day with someone like them. And that terrifies them to the core.

They don’t want to have to deal with that sunk cost situation.  Because once a narcissist has brainwashed you, they consider you their property. You’re there as a commodity. You’re there as an investment. So when they start to sense that you’re getting some of your independent thought processes back, that’s why they teeter back and forth between love-bombing you again and then tearing you down. They’re giving you really strong intermittent reinforcement, which is the biggest foundation of a trauma bond.

If this describes your relationship, you are dealing with a narcissistic individual and you’ll need to get to a point where you decide whether you’re going to stay and get more of the same, or if you’re going to take the steps to take your power back and reclaim your life. 

If that sounds like something that you want to start doing, download the free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap. You’ll get a 14-day series of emails with emotional support and encouragement and a list of 16 empowering beliefs to live by. Plus, you get complimentary seating to the masterclass, 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is hard, and it’s okay to admit you need help. If you’re ready to go deeper NOW, check out the #1 therapist-approved online program for narcissistic abuse recovery. Thousands of people have benefited from this program that’s practical, proven, and reliable.  It’s the best place to begin a journey toward renewed self-worth and an end to feeling worthless.

Your healed life starts with one step...

Join thousands of others who have signed up for the free Email Recovery Course and Healing Roadmap. Includes expert advice and tips for encouragement and support. * Seating in my masterclass: 7 Proven Steps to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse PLUS +* How to Ease Anxiety * 16 Empowering Beliefs to Live By + more!

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5 comments
Jerry Brendle says October 21, 2019

Dear Kim,
Thank you so much for helping me. I left the narc on July 9, 2019. Went NO CONTACT for 26 days. Now I see him about once a week as he buys groceries, dog food etc and visits(supervised) our dog Lil Bit. No contact really helped me rationalize and see how he was triggering me to react. At first I wasn’t going to allow him to see Lil Bit at all. That is unfair to Lil Bit because he had not a clue what narcissism is and he loves his daddy and is loyal and loving. I tolerate the narc during these visits, watching and listening to his mind games. I do not talk to him on the phone and limited texting when absolutely necessary. This prevents the circular conversations etc .. also texting is written proof of the conversation. I’m still trying to go no contact totally but I depend on him for food, dog food etc. Basic necessities I can’t afford. Thank you so much for your support. Your e mails are my emotional support during the hardest time of my life. I read them several times daily. On my path to healing. Sincerely, Jerry Brendle

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Gina says October 21, 2019

Hello Kim, in a boss-employee relationship things are different. In my case the Narc made one compliment about my singing, took me to one seminar and offered condolences when my dad-in-law died, that was all. When I saw him traumatizing a kid, I left the committee saying I had other duties at a “rival’s” school – nothing else. He worked me to a frenzy till I had burnout and then continued “punishing” me by telling the 6th graders etc. to bully me, all the while dumping my mail, my letters to parents, my reports and news items into the trash. He had already found replacement and used both blondes to try to make me jealous. No hoovering, but obsession and spite because I couldn’t be gotten rid of, always second-guessing his traps, always getting support, till he started off about my using “magic.” I believe he hated my guts – but I didn’t really have a choice. Thanks for your insights!

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    Kim Saeed says November 5, 2019

    Hi Gina, I can relate. When I worked for other companies and institutions, I encountered many narcissistic folks (though, I didn’t know about narcissism then), many of whom were my direct supervisors or bosses. I always did one of two things. 1) collect evidence against them and report them, or 2) start a job search. Of course, option one is a reason I wasn’t always a favorite amongst these people who called themselves leaders. Option two gave me peace and a fresh start. Those are generally the only two options we have if we are our own source of livelihood.

    Kim

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Olivia says October 21, 2019

Thanks for your useful video.
How does this apply as my mother is the narcissist? She’s been there since I was born obviously, so I don’t have any ‘real self’ to remember as I’ve always just been the awful daughter who could never please her.
I am married and luckily my husband is not a narcissist so he makes me feel I’m a good person, but I feel like I’ve grown into being a good person rather than always being one, if that makes sense.

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Diana says October 21, 2019

Well said, Kim. Your theories are expanding by the week! “Sunk cost!” I’ve been taking a life coach course by Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D, and he describes “sunk cost” elaborately in the general sense, personal development world.

To apply this concept to the narcissist is very accurate and unique. Your weekly blogs are very enlightening and reinforcing, thank you!

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