By the way, I want to add…(my apologies for commenting so often!) that when I tried asking him about his outburst, he denied it.

He looked at me and denied having acted that way. That bothers me more, because if you have a problem, or you treat someone badly, just own it!
But don’t lie or deny your actions. I told him I am not crazy or perceiving things wrong. I remember all of what happened that night and how it made me feel. And I also have seen a change in his behavior since then. He is distant with me now most of the time. He just doesn’t seem to like me. All because I dared to call him out on hurtful behavior and possible cheating. Now I’m “annoying” to him…really?

“Annoying” because (to him) I have no right to question behavior that is hurtful or confusing.
Not only the incident with the outfit that night, but also him hiding me on social media, acting shady, etc.
Also when I’ve tried to nicely ask that he stop making his coworkers/”friends” more of a priority than our marriage. He can’t seem to just put them aside and focus on us as a couple in a healthy way.
He acts like I’m controlling simply for wanting normalcy in our relationship.

I think part of this could also be related to porn addiction. If a person constantly views porn, they objectify their real-life partner (and women in general).
They develop a disrespectful attitude on some level. The other issue is that he has this friend (whom he works with) that is somewhat sexist AND racist.
So that feeds into whatever behavior I notice in him now, I think. The guy was encouraging him to visit prostitutes and I’ve also seen texts between them that are disparaging of women, minorities, etc.
And I myself am both a woman and a minority. So…yeah.

I think there’s a difference between traditional values (which are not always bad) and misogyny.
With truly traditional values, there is still respect for a person’s humanity. Misogyny seeks to strip the humanity from a woman by silencing her voice, removing her ability to make wise decisions for herself, and to dis-empower her altogether.

This is not to bash all men of course, but rather to point out a very real problem in our society.
Misogyny hurts everyone, men included.

More thoughts on the clothing issue…I think it’s OK to tell somebody you like a certain style or color on them, but that’s about it.
I have a problem with anyone trying to control what I wear and dictate how I “should” look.
I don’t do that to other people, so it’s a matter of respect.

People with narc traits/tendencies like to criticize while being unaware of their own flaws, I’ve noticed.
That night when he was screaming at me to change my shirt, I just felt so bad in that moment.
There was nothing objectively wrong with my outfit but he just made me feel so ugly and ashamed of myself.
It reminded me of all the abuse and bullying and discrimination I dealt with growing up. What’s more, his own clothing wasn’t much better than what I was wearing to dinner that night.
So it felt horrible being spoken to that way.

I think with people who are misogynistic or have a narrow view, there is a need for control and dominance.
They project shame onto others. So you can be of a normal healthy weight (or even slightly underweight) and they will call you “fat”.
You can have good hygiene, wear nice clothing and they will say otherwise. You will always fall short in the eyes of a narcissist.
And they will always try to make you feel insecure…you “embarrass” them, you act weird, you say the wrong things, you aren’t smart or successful or attractive enough to impress their friends/family, etc.

I dated some narcs in my teens and twenties. I didn’t realize that my husband had it in him, too.
Not until that night when he acted in such a terrible way. And he never apologized or explained himself.
It was bizarre. He also hides me from coworkers and people associated with his job, which is odd considering we’ve been married 15 years.
His female coworkers don’t dress better than I do (in my opinion) and they aren’t models or anything…just normal-looking women. So it makes me feel that he holds them in higher esteem for some reason, while looking down on me, even if it is on a subconscious level.

It’s just one more reason I would probably leave him if it were possible. It’s one thing if my clothes were dirty, wrinkled, stained, full of holes, ill-fitting, or trashy…but they were not.
He is not only misogynistic, he is also a snob because he hates people with tattoos and judges complete strangers by their clothing, even if they are simply minding their business. I understand that image matters but how we treat people matters more. I may not like what someone is wearing, but I wouldn’t bully or shame them. We may travel again at some point…I will make it clear that he is not to ever speak to me that way again.

Oh yes, and the idea of all women being gold-diggers/parasites. He has accused me of this before.
Many years ago, he called me a “moocher”. He has never given me flowers just as a simple gift.
He withholds compliments. I also remember that when we were dating, he expected me to have a high-paying job (but he is only a teacher himself).
This was to elevate himself in the eyes of his coworkers and family.

I also remember that when we were dating, he insisted on giving me spending money often (like an allowance).
I felt weird about it because I was just a girlfriend at the time, not yet his wife, and I don’t feel comfortable just taking money from people.

He would give me all this money and then it was like he would complain that I was taking advantage, something had to give, etc.
It was just weird. I think men who do this partly do it as another type of control. “Look what I do for you and how you just take, and oh what a selfish bitch you are, and that’s what women do”…that is how these guys think.
It’s manipulative on their part. I also feel that misogynists are more likely to visit sex workers and because those women deal with them based on money/transactions, they are more likely to associate ALL women with simply wanting money.

I think those of us who have been either stay at home wives or moms eventually wake up to the fact that we must have our own income, or financial stability, to deal with men that are abusive or try to control us with money.
*Disclaimer…to any men that are offended, I’m only talking about misogynists here. This doesn’t apply to all men. Just the ones that engage in the harmful behaviors outlined above.

More food for thought! Thanks. I’ve known many misogynists in my life (mostly male, but a few were female).
A lot of this definitely fits with what I’ve noticed.

I dated one who would always complain about my clothes. He expected me to look perfect at all times…his idea of perfect.
That “relationship” (if you can even call it that) lasted maybe two months. It was long-distance so it wouldn’t have lasted anyway.
But that guy was such a clown. Just a shitty personality and constantly putting me down. It was a relief when I never saw him again. It’s just one of many regrets I have about my younger days, that I even dated a person like him.

I later married somebody whom I believe has narcissistic traits, although I’m not sure if he is truly a narcissist.
He does the whole rating system and uses language (about women) that is either somewhat demeaning or sexualizing, depending on if he likes the way a woman looks or not.
And again with the clothes and controlling behavior! He has done this before, but the most extreme (and upsetting) time was in 2022 while on vacation.
We had dinner plans after seeing a show and he was in a foul mood that night. He started screaming at me to change my outfit.
It was disturbing. I’ve experienced horrible treatment from people so that’s nothing new…but this was on another level, and I was so hurt and disappointed because I never expected it from my husband.

The outfit that bothered him? A simple sleeveless top (no cleavage or midriff showing) with a beaded neckline.
Dark blue jeans and a pair of heels. My makeup was neutral, brown eyeliner and a glossy lip.
None of this should have provoked such a terrible reaction from anyone. He started screaming at me “change your shirt! change your shirt! change your shirt!” over and over.
He turned red, he shook, veins were popping out, he was acting insane. I am used to people doing/saying weird things but this had me really alarmed.
There is no reason why anyone should be that angry over what another adult is wearing.

At that point, I realized that he had a problem. This was misogyny but I also believe he may have been cheating on me (more on that later) and his outburst was some type of projection, or him feeling guilty about his actions.
It was just so fucking weird! My apologies for the profanity, but it was nuts. Absolutely nuts.
I just looked at him in disbelief. Had it been possible, I probably would have divorced him on the spot.
I would’ve been back home on the next plane without him if possible. I still don’t see him in the same way after that.
I still feel hurt and shaken and somewhat dehumanized after that incident, two years later.

He never apologized or explained himself. I didn’t change my outfit, either. I wore it anyway because he needed to see that his behavior was abusive, it was not OK, and I am an adult who is capable of choosing my own clothing.
I would have left him immediately if he had shown signs of that behavior in the early phase of our relationship.