how do empaths protect themselves from narcissists

7 Painful Truths All Empaths Must Eventually Face About Narcissists

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How do empaths protect themselves from narcissists?

It’s no secret that Empaths feel it’s their obligation to save the world.  And when they’re being manipulated by a narcissist, this sense of obligation becomes their whole identity as the narcissist plays the victim to excess.

What a heavy weight we carry when we decide to take on the burden of another person’s choices in life.

It’s crucial for empaths to acknowledge that narcissists are disordered.  When we support them, we are either knowingly or unknowingly supporting a lie, as the person we think we’re helping doesn’t really exist.  While this fact alone is hard enough to swallow, following are seven more painful truths that all empaths must eventually face about narcissists.


1 – The narcissist isn’t a tortured soul who needs your special kind of love

Almost every empath who’s ever been in a relationship with a narcissist has held the belief that if they could just show the narcissist how deep their unconditional love ran, then the narcissist would finally have an epiphany where he or she realized that there is a special and rare kind of love available to them, after all. 

The love of an empath certainly has its healing qualities, but it does nothing to change a narcissist’s behaviors or motives in the relationship.  Narcissists are morally bankrupt individuals who do not appreciate the things other people do for them.  Instead, they feel completely entitled to whatever love and devotion are directed towards them.  Almost every person the narcissist has been involved with gave them this unconditional love but, sadly, narcissists consider such love and devotion disposable.

2 – Although everyone admires and appreciates your compassionate nature, it also makes you highly attractive to narcissists

If everyone in the world boasted an empath’s qualities, we’d live in a Utopia.  But, sadly, the world is full of manipulators who seek out and exploit people with the Empath’s character traits, such as these:

  • Taking criticism to heart, reflecting on how their words and actions might affect other people.
  • Being highly empathic, having the ability to sense the emotions of others and respond instinctively in ways that help those in need.
  • Having a high level of tolerance, embracing the beliefs, practices, and lifestyles of other people.

Narcissists look for cooperativeness and compassion in their partners because they know that they themselves don’t possess these traits at their most basic level, and excessively cooperative partners will put in the work of two people to keep the relationship going, projecting their own desirable traits onto the narcissist, thereby filling in the yawning gaps in order to make the relationship seem more normal.   

This high level of cooperativeness is the most significant trait narcissists look for in partners because they intuitively know that such partners will stay in the relationship with them way beyond reasonable limits. [1]

3 – The narcissist isn’t interested in your deep thoughts

Empaths are deep thinkers who possess highly evolved viewpoints about people and the world.  It’s hard to find anything that makes an empath feel more alive than finding a kindred spirit to share their unique thoughts and opinions with. 

Narcissists put on a good show, pretending to be enlightened and advanced in modern philosophies, but the truth about their close-minded dogmas is eventually discovered which profoundly shatters the empath’s heart.  Worse, once the relationship begins to sour, the narcissist typically mocks and ridicules the empath for his or her views and theories. 

4 – In spite of the initial attraction, the narcissist is not your soul mate

Urban dictionary defines soulmate as:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet — a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them.

While soul mates may help you evolve, they are not blatantly cruel and don’t use others for their own agendas. 

Soul mates can be anyone…a friend, a family member, even your barista.  The one thing to know about soul mates…they vibrate at the same energetic frequency as you and love you unconditionally.  They see you as the unique and powerful individual that you are, making you feel truly special…even if the relationship doesn’t last.

This does not describe narcissists in the least.  

Case in point, I was once in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite narcissistic.  At the beginning of the relationship, he wrote me poetry and referred to the Song of Solomon frequently.  I was entirely smitten and wrapped up in the fantasy of it all.  I was certain we were soul mates.

About two years in, when things had begun turning sour, I was cleaning one of the closets in our shared residence and came upon a flash drive that was tucked away in an old cigarette box.  I am not one to snoop, but there was something about that flash drive that called to me.  I debated with myself for quite some time and finally decided to see what was on it.  It’s not in my character to snoop and we’d been together for over two years at that point and I’d never felt the urge to dig around, looking for any sort of incriminating evidence.

Yet, there the flash drive lay, beckoning me in an almost preternatural way.  I scooped it up and went to my office with it.

I hoped I might find old essays from his college days or research he’d completed for one of his books.  Instead, I found profiles and emails from various dating sites he’d been on prior to our meeting.  Almost every email he’d sent to other women included the reference to the Song of Solomon.

Moral of the story:  Don’t convince yourself that someone is your soul mate until you’ve been with them a while and they’ve earned your trust.  Because someone says things that make you feel giddy and seemingly bonded to them doesn’t mean they’re sincere.  Narcissists are creatures of economy.  This is why they often take new supply sources to the same restaurants and vacation spots that the two of you used to frequent together. 

Something that seems poetic and unique to only you is very likely something the narcissist uses with all their new supply sources.

5 – The narcissist is not the “runner” in what you thought was a twin flame relationship

Many empaths mistake the dysfunctional undercurrents of a relationship with a narcissist as those of the twin flame runner/chaser dynamic. 

Narcissists take advantage of this mistaken belief, using it as a great window of opportunity to disappear from the empath so they can groom other supply or generally live life on their own terms, which includes pretending to be in a committed, progressive relationship, all while they secretly live life as a single person behind the empath’s back. 

Narcissists excuse themselves for this covert behavior by claiming they love the empath too much and are frightened by the depth of their love, hence why they feel inclined to “run”.

6 – Even if you and the narcissist made contracts together before this lifetime, you must accept the necessity to move on without them

In the spiritual scheme of things, many people believe narcissists are put into our lives to help us evolve into healed, cosmically aware individuals. I believe in this, as well.

However, while that may be true, we must recognize when it comes time to sever those ties and vows with the narcissist, which feels devastating for any empathic individual with strong moral codes. 

Whereas empaths want to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, the narcissist simply wants to siphon the empath’s compassionate energy like fuel for an engine.

Even after the relationship ends, the energetic ties remain, despite the amount of time that elapses.  And even though you may be apart from them now, you’re still deeply bonded to them energetically. This can drain your energy, as well as cause symptoms of depression and hopelessness.  Therefore, it’s critical to cut the energetic ties with the narcissist so you can move on.

7 – Love doesn’t always conquer all

Most empaths hold these common beliefs about love and relationships:

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  Love conquers all.  Everyone has some good in them and deserves the benefit of the doubt.  If you want to be forgiven, you must forgive.  The Ex didn’t have any family or friends, and now I’ve “abandoned” them, too.  I wasn’t perfect, either. 

These nuggets of insight might apply to other areas of life, but not to toxic relationships.  Why? Because it gives empaths another way to torture themselves and keeps them bonded to narcissists way beyond the expiration date.

It doesn’t matter if you were with your ex for two, ten, or thirty years, it’s time to accept that you did everything within your power to salvage the relationship. The misguided fear that you could have done something differently is based on the narcissist having changed the goalposts continuously– and yes, it was deliberate. 

This explains why every single empath believes there is something else they could have done to save the relationship.  It’s a result of conditioning — and overwriting this belief will be part of your healing journey.

So, how do empaths protect themselves from narcissists?

Living a healed, balanced, and happy life means accepting these painful truths, even though the Narcissist cannot.  They can’t be healed because for that to happen, they’d first need to acknowledge they are wounded.  Instead, Narcissists use fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to keep their targets perpetually catering to their every whim…and overlooking lies and broken promises. 

How Do Empaths Protect Themselves From Narcissists?

With The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.

So many empaths (and anyone who is simply compassionate), have gotten great relief and reclaimed the power they were born with by utilizing this program.  You will finally gain the power to stay congruent with your choice to heal your life, instead of falling prey to the narcissist’s hoovering and crazy-making.  

You’ll also have membership in our private community of beautiful people in various stages of their healing journeys.  It’s like having your own team of cheerleaders.

Learn more here.

Break Free Bootcamp

[1] Brown, S. (2009). About Her. In Women who love psychopaths (2nd ed., p. 131). Penrose, NC: Mask Publishig.

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Leave a Comment:

Nelly Botta says October 22, 2023

Hi, am in the fourth month after the discard, many atimes I feel ok but sometimes I find myself crying coz I did everything to make it work and I mean everything. Before I knew who I was dealing with, I was feeling crazy and drained especially after he has done something wrong and you confront him hell will break loose, I would have panic attacks and anxiety and it would be my fault. Thanks for your articles I had the courage to walk away knowing he will never change.

Linda D Smith says August 17, 2022

By the time I got to#3 I was so glad there were only#7.
I got teary eyed thinking about the “deliberate” part.
It’s not like my gut feeling wasn’t intact and screaming out to me. It certainly was!
I just refused to believe people deliberately hurt intentionally.
Usually crying helps brings relief when I have over extended my kindness and generosity that’s not reciprocated.
I purposely held the tears back until I was sure I wouldn’t give him pleasure knowing Mission Accomplished.
My heart knows me too well when I am done I mean it.
This time the brain is not lining up as quickly.
It’s very frustrating holding back raw emotions and be done with it all.
Knowing what Narcs feeds and thrives on you don’t want to giveaway anymore energy than necessarily earned.
So you wait for healing to come as the brain wipes everything out of your memory bank of the defilement of your soul.
Finally, Peaceful sleep and loving yourself returns.
You area whole again.
Your life is worth living again because it’s your life.
You are back in control.
Thank you for speaking to kind souls out of love not condemnation.
Now, we understand fully it’s not our job to save people who hates and intentionally wants to harm us.

Thank you

    Kat says November 1, 2023

    Your comment made me all teary eyed. I can really relate to everything you have said. Wishing you the best on your healing journey!

Anonymous says June 3, 2022

Thus is so true. Especially the part about not wanting to hear our deep thoughts. Then turning around and mocking and ridiculing you. I was called a &ucking embarrassment.

    Gabe says January 5, 2023

    Don’t be discouraged you have a good heart don’t let a narcissist keep you from being Who You Are they run from anything that’s real and is the truth keep being you you’ll find the one person that knows your heart and shares your views of the world

Radha says June 2, 2022

You helped me understand myself
Come out of guilt
I must come out of the sense of fear obligation and guilt…fog as you said
Iam as you said devastated on realising the truth
Hopelessness is pai ful
Iam suffering because iam unable to question

Dawn says January 7, 2022

I truly relate to this article as I felt that my ex Narc before I knew he was one was the only man I ever truly loved . I was so unbelievably in love with him as I once thought but over time I’ve realized I was trauma bonded to him. Things became an emotional rollercoaster around 8 months into the relationship and during this time I was dealing with my ex-husband who I now have come to understand has anti-social personality disorder along with NPD and vert paranoid too which he was seeking revenge on me for leaving him after dealing with 2 insane years of him accusing of me cheating on him and causing all kinds of harm to my life. So my narcissistic boyfriend never ever was there for me during the most painful traumatic times ever but Instead would triangulate me with his ex’s , slight me a lot making me more and more depressed , Instill the silent treatment which I began to see patterns of ongoing intermittent tactics and I started predicting when the silent treatments came cause he would purposely start a fight with me. He also made me feel a lot of sadness for him cause I learned how wronged and ignored her was by his parents when a child or his mother never said I love you once or even showed love towards him while Growing up but instead put him down and was rather rotten to him . I also learned at the beginning that all of his ex’s caused him a great deal of pain by cheating or stealing money from him . I eventually saw the real deal and he cycled through all of his ex’s while instilling the silent treatment and at he’s even told me I wasn’t relationship material and ended things and would go back to an ex who was as he would put it only a conquest .. when he came back to me and stupid me always took him back only to treat me horrible again and god forbid I ever confronted him about this stuff the verbal abuse was disgusting and I’ve never been called such nasty names or what he considered me for only good for . But again I kept taking him back over and over again . I was stuck in the basic fact that I thought if I Was there for him and loved him unconditionally that it would help him see that not everyone will cause him suffering that I truly felt his sadness when a child and wish I could have been there to tell him he’s a loved and deserves love and nurturing . I was so stupid and finally after 7 ongoing years finally feel no more connection in the same way and now I know I don’t want him in my life period . He tricks so many but I know and he knows I know what he is . My viewpoint will never change as I’ve been so exhausted by all his abuse tactics and completely drained . Thanks for the article as it validates my thoughts completely .

    Debra says June 2, 2022

    Amazing how much of what you share sounds like my ex husband. Incredible, how many of our experiences are so similar to others. It’s a horrible lesson to learn not to repeat. I am learning ??‍♀️

Jermena says August 28, 2021

Thank you Kim for your tireless efforts to help us feel better and heal eventually.
I just wanted to point out that part of your ex sharing ‘your’ poetic nuances of the Song of Solomon with his other targets.

The narcissist I thought I knew in my past did something similar. There were cute love cartoons he used to share with me that I had dearly come to cherish. I however was dumbfounded to learn that he used to share the same ones with his other targets.

Unbelievable creatures they are!

Megan NMN Martin Martin says August 26, 2021

F.O.G. Fear Obligation Guilt an excellent description, and a great tool to keep in the empaths protection arsenal.

Anonymous says August 25, 2021

Thank you for sharing this information.

Karin says August 25, 2021

The first sentence “Empaths feel it’s their obligation to save the world” had me in tears directly. I am being told, from a very young age, that I am too sensitive. Wanted to help too much. Especially ones that had/have less than I had/have. And of course, the suppressed.

Remembering telling my mother, I was about 5-6 years, that it felt that I had the weight of all the world on my shoulders. As if I was responsible for all and everyone. That never changed.

I learned over the years that I am HSP, Empath, Introvert & INFJ (Myers-Briggs personality). Not an easy combination. At all.

Last week, I discussed with my highest manager, who said “But Karin, you can not change the world by yourself”. On which my answer was, “I know, but when no one does a thing, everything stays the same. That is why I do my small things. Many small things together, make big things. For helping my colleagues of this and other departments, and for a better world”.

After my last relationship with a narcissist (the first one was my mother but that is SO different from a love relationship), which I only broke up with in April/May 2021 (NC like with my mother in 2013), I still ask myself, 56 years young, “Am I the narcissist here and not he? And my mother, was I the narcissist?”
I have been twice in long time therapy and once used a Life Coach not that long ago, and I know with my brain I am not. This doubts… My brain says, “No, you are not!” My heart, “What if?”

I will not give him another chance, I know almost for sure. I also know that he will always be that spot within me that I have to keep guarded, so I will not fall for it again. With him or another person.

For months, I believed we were soulmates, he had told me so over and over again. In the beginning, later after a fight (to keep me in his claws). That indeed he was the runner, I even thought that I maybe was when I started to discover that he was a narcissist and I tried to get out of the relationship but kept crawling back.

I am OK now, at least most of the time, still it hurts writing about it. And I start crying writing this. I hadn’t cried for weeks… But I will survive, as always.

    Cheryl Storm says September 2, 2022

    You will survive Karen ?

Holly Roberts says August 24, 2021

Thank you Kim love reading your insights xx

Hazel says April 12, 2021

Was with a diagnosed covert narcissist 23 years.
She left.
Any advice for healing from such an experience?

Anonymous says April 2, 2021

You have described my life to T.
I’ve always known I was an empath, I was manipulated by my mother and father. Than my
Husband for 40 yrs. I left when my Daughter started her own life. She tells me she knows of no one who would put up with what I did for so long . I’m still trying to heal and do not want any other man . I don’t trust my self

Rosie Rose says April 2, 2021

Love this and I’m only halfway through. Not much of a commentor but I read most every email you send me, Kim, and this is speaking to nourish my aching heart. It’s true that I want evey human to experience hope, happiness and the joy that comes from serving people. Thank you for helping to hone my super-abilities and to focus them where needed, wanted and respected.

Sometimes I think that empaths y narcissists are opposite ends of the spectrum with similar childhood trauma, the difference being one chooses to feel and the other chooses to cut off feeling. Yet both seem to insist that their way is right….

Always learning so thank you, Kim, for investing your time in a way that helps sensitive souls gain mastery over their (and others’) emotions.

Dawn Raulerson says April 1, 2021 She is amazing and has helped me overcome my journey in leaving narcissist partner of over 30 years

Debbie Hamilton says October 20, 2020

Thank you, Kim, for this article. You definitely hit me on the spot. I have been following your writings for the last 2 years, and you have made me realize that I do not have all the answers, and how important it is to hear different points of view. Thank you; I am always willing to learn!

Anonymous says October 2, 2020

Wow thank you for this!

Lynette Whipple says July 17, 2020

I needed this information to help me to move on from the nariss

Elli says May 26, 2020

I actually never thought that I was going to “save” the narcissist. I persued me until conceded. The problem was disentangling myself from this person. I never believed him Even from the beginning, he was constantly cheating and blatant about it, belittled me and put me down, tried to play God in my life, be my reality…my relationship with this person propelled me toward my own self-actualization. Thank God.

Latashea Dawn Evans says May 26, 2020

Thank so much for this article! It describes my ex to a T. He was all those things and more. I suddenly felt drained every time I came home because I knew he’d be there. I hated coming home every day from work. We have a daughter so I stayed and lost myself in the process. I’ve now been free of him for 11 months and I’m beginning to come back to myself. There’s nothing worse than being with someone out of convince and hating their guts daily. It got so bad that I considered pushing him dow the stairs. I completely lost my mind with despair. I was turning into a screaming crazy woman and I knew I had to get out. I’m grateful for articles like this that helps me understand what I was going through and how to get out.

Laura Stufflebean says May 25, 2020

I wish you would write articles about empathetic mothers who have a narcissistic adult daughter. (& fyi~ who, subsequently are keeping them estranged from their grandchildren as punishment- I know that’s a whole separate subject which I am working on also but just wanted to give you extra details.)

Chunling Edwards says May 25, 2020

I haven’t seen my daughter for 3 years now. She has been in my mind. I texted her a couple of times, she never answered. I know it is good for me to continue ” no contact”; but I just can’t get over. I even willing to accept who she is (a narcissist). I am thinking I might be alright if I don’t expect anything from her. I even know she would hurt me again and again……I am doing better not talk about her, but I am still not sad once a while. Thank you! You helped me a lot.

    Laura Stufflebean says May 25, 2020

    I feel your pain. Except I cry every day. My ED is now keeping my grandchildren, 15 years old and 10 years old, from me. I have been in their lives every day since they were born taking care of them for so many years. it’s been 5 months now since I’ve seen them or talk to them. But estrangement with her has been going on for the last couple of years on and off (of course on when she need something & off when she doesn’t). It’s so hurtful and i’m so sorry. Just wanted to say that.

    Gloria says July 24, 2021

    I have exactly the same situation…

Jana Lester says December 29, 2019

Please send me info.

Geraldine says September 10, 2019

When I ended up having to have an interview with a policeman as someone had reported his abusiveness one night (shouting, screaming, pushing) I was obliged to go for the interview although I didn’t want to. This is in the UK. What was the moment when I could not fool myself any longer was when I was asked a series of questions about him and the profile listed was a perfect match. The policeman explained that he has walked in on women he had counselled before and they were dead. Game over, I got out!! Don’t stay a minute longer. He wasn’t particularly violent but I was scared of him. I knew it could escalate. Just get out, it’s wonderful to be free of it all and work on ourselves. I have changed.

BERNADETTE says September 9, 2019


    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    Thank you, Bernadette! So good to have you here…welcome! 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Are You Dealing With a 100% Narcissist? - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says August 22, 2019

[…] who needs your special kind of love and understanding. This is why it is so commonly known that narcissists tend to prey on empathic people, or empaths, because empaths who haven’t successfully implemented their boundaries yet or […]

Anonymous says April 10, 2019

Stay strong you are a special person.its not you your normal.we all look to others for self value they cant give.belive in you.dont depend on others to have to change yourself
Take care of you.hope you can let go and move deserve way way better.

Empaths: How to Shield Yourself Against Narcissists - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says March 19, 2019

[…] Related: 7 Painful Truths All Empaths Must Eventually Face About Narcissists […]

Mariana says July 18, 2018

It is something horrific to find one of these monsters in our path. I have been no contact with my ex narc for almost 4 months now and it still hurts. Sometimes my head can’t believe that everything he did was deliberate, planned, calculated and expected, and when I didn’t react the way he thought he upheated the flame until he got the expected emotional response from me, or at least close to it. I learned to pretend that he was right just to avoid another punishment for me, just to be punished just because… I am finally free learning a new way of life, but I’m going through pain again today because I saw that my replacement commenting on a picture of him at the gym, and he denied he was even interested in her when I confronted him back in December (xmas actually) when we were still “together”. He is not my curse anymore, but i do not wish them well at all… karma will eventually reach them.

I am so thankful that I found your work Kim, your articles and videos in youtube have saved my life from a sure catastrophe, he was diminishing me to the tiniest version of myself. God bless you !!! xoxo

Kim Saeed says July 18, 2018

Happy to know my article resonated with you, Lisa 🙂

Kim XoXo

Tatiana says July 18, 2018

You are right on point Saed. The narcissist that I had to endure just had the audacity of telling that me that the reason why he had been behaving so strangely for a good amount of years, was because he loved too much and got scared. He actually used those very same words and on that order. Just to think of the mokary I’ve been subjected to makes my nerves boil.

    Filiz Cemal says August 25, 2021

    Same for me, same words. How cold hearted these people are. Just gone no contact again for the hundredth time! Please God let me make it this time

Banshee1124 says July 17, 2018

This is me. It was so me. God did I fight for that man. Its so strange to be on the other side now and see how blindly naive I was. I literally felt guilty after giving birth to our child and burying her because he said I was just faking the pregnancy to get his attention. I felt guilty for running away and hiding from him while I was pregnant because he was so violatile. I felt guilty that he never made it to the hospital to see her before I buried her. I felt guilty during the weeks after when I would lay in bed and cry and he’d refuse to speak to me because I needed to “get it together”. Im literally stunned now at my own foolishness. I made up every excuse you listed here and more. Its humiliating.

Scott says July 17, 2018

This phrases from the 6th paragraph bothers me…

“Narcissists are morally bankrupt individuals who do not appreciate the things other people do for them.”

I believe my estranged wife suffers from NPD, but I don’t believe her to be “morally bankrupt.” Maybe it’s me being the empath, but I feel sorry for her…sorry for the horrible childhood that caused her to create and live behind her false self. I’ve experienced anger towards her (along with the sadness and hurt), but as a seeker of enlightenment, I cringe at the harsh, judgemental words typically used to describe the sufferers of NPD. They are only being that which they are. I do not believe my wife consciously lured me into our relationship to destroy me. I know that I cannot fix her, but I can’t blame nor curse her either. I feel pity for her.

I want to thank you for your work. Today was the 6th straight day I awoke without the pit in my stomach…the pit that was there every morning since my wife ghosted me (on 4/1). Your writings (among others’) answered the question that was torturing me so. The big “why?”. Once I saw the pattern of our relationship clearly laid out and explained – the bliss, the rage, the devaluing, and now the discard (with silent treatment), my question was answered. You are a huge help and again, thank you for your efforts!


    Kim Saeed says July 17, 2018

    Hi Scott,

    Thank you very much for reading my post, your kind praise, and for reaching out.

    I can relate to why you feel the way you do regarding your ex’s bad childhood. I won’t take up your time with my own experiences with narcissistic abuse, but as someone who has been coaching and guiding people out of their own toxic relationships for many years, I have seen too many people destroyed to believe that narcissists possess even the smallest shred of humanity.

    The reason you feel that way is because you have a shared history with her and probably still have romantic feelings for her. I’ve seen many awful things happen in my time, but the worst is when a child of a narcissist commits suicide or when their spouse is diagnosed with a terminal illness, and the narcissist simply goes on with life…and being the narcissist they are.

    I believe almost all of us feel the way you do in the beginning. But, once you heal and are able to look back on things with more clarity, you may feel much differently.

    At any rate, I am very happy to know that you are healing and moving forward. I wish you all the very best in that regard!



    Tatiana says July 18, 2018

    Please understand you are still being gaslighted

Catherine Fieker says July 17, 2018

Good morning, I do not believe I have ever written on this site. I do believe I am an Empath and i was married to a narcissist was in the relationship for 3 years. For me it was love, it was hard for me to believe that he did not love me, I tried many times to leave and he always seemed to know. He watched my every move anticipated my actions, if he suspected any hint of change in my routine he was there. I lost my home, my car, he isolated me from family and friends. I believed he loved me, i believed every lie that he told me. After one beating and choking me until i passed out, he said because i was screaming and he didnt want to alert the neighbors, i called a woman I know and she encouraged me to get out before he killed me, well you know the cycle he was sweet and flowers and lovey as he called it the dope with big puppy dog eyes and i fell for it. Of course he never apologized for any beatings or the endless nights he made me stand and listen to him rant about something i did not even understand what i had done wrong, and i used to say “the argument went around and around in circles” and i most of the time did not have a clue what he was wanting. So with his winning performance i believed, or wanted to believe I could make it work. I also felt stuck. I could not reach out to my family, i didnt think any one knew what was going on. So here i was, I was afraid of him, he began to pick up on my fear and used it to inflict more fear, would say “dont flinch when i touch you” and would slap me or punch me with his fist, usually in the gut or high on my arm, or leg so my clothes would hide the bruises. once he bit me in my on my forearm my whole arm swelled and alot of pain for a long time..But i was afraid of him.
then a death in my family happened a cousin that I grew up with, i was forced to call my aunt and tell her I could not make it to the funeral, i was told to put it behind me and move forward that it did no good to morn those who have gone on… Then my father passed away, I was not going to let that go I wanted to be there show my respect but according to my husband i was negligent in telling him the plans and then because “we got lost” he couldnt understand what i was saying, etc… so when we got to the visitation late, missed a family meal before, and my sons saw him slap me because i was crying he was talking thru gritted teeth that he was not going in and that he was going to leave me stranded there let me find my own way home, and for me to shut up and stop being a blubbering fool, and to dry my eyes …. but my sons saw just the slap, when i got out of the car i could barely walk because for 8 hours he had been yelling at me hitting my left inner thigh repeatedly with his fist because i was so stupid and could not do anything right and …and…. long story short I knew i had to get away i had to go back to our home, he did not leave me, his excuse was that he was in so much physical pain that i should not push him….he was a little more kind that next week until we had an outing, there again i was so stupid he could not imagine how someone my age had made it so far in life and yell yell yell and if anyone came within hearing distance he would get closer to me and talk through gritted teeth and i had to keep thinking “stone wall” “stone wall” and try not to do anything any different. I could not let him know i was planning to leave, he had already accused me of being a quitter and that weighted heavily. I felt like a complete looser, part of me kept thinking i was not worthy of living life, and felt i deserved everything i got. I kept praying to God and and things only escalated. Like i said i lost my home, had not spoke to most of my family in 3 years, i just was lost. I loaded my car with what i could get in it, he had given most of my clothes away because he wanted me to wear loose baggy sweat pants and his t-shirts because they were loose , he would tell me “comfortable” but he wanted me to be “invisible” someone that if they saw anything amiss would not remember, no make-up regular clothes…. i drove away, scared for my life. I got a protection order and have had no contact for 2 years and i still fear that one day he will fulfill his threat of killing me and my family. But i found out after i had left he had been married under different names many times and that gives me hope or the belief that he will not come after me, i have to believe he told them the same thing. I am so grateful that i dont have to live that life anymore but i have to keep telling myself i am not stupid, ignorant, slut, whore, cur dog…. etc. I am me, I am a very caring tender hearted person and i fell so hard. Believe me i KNOW it is hard to get back to semblance of normalcy. 2 years out and i still fear him, i still have triggers, alot are something to the effect of me being stupid. I hate it and i keep putting positive sayings, and trying to think positive, but that is so hard when you were beaten so low.

Shirley Akpelu says July 17, 2018

I am an empath.
I know that for a fact.

shelly miller says July 17, 2018

Thank you so much…this is so me…and you put words to how I was feeling and questions that I have had for so long….time to move on and be me without him..and be ok with I am. Shelly

    Kim Saeed says July 18, 2018

    I’m very glad to know my article helped clarify some things for you, Shelly. Wishing you all the best as you move forward. 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Laura says May 14, 2018

I believe myself to b an empath. That may b why I feel I have work to do to heal from my exs 4 yrs of cruel abuse, even though its been 40 yrs.

Amanda says March 10, 2018

I don’t know where to turn. I need to leave but I can’t get away. I’m tired of being abused mentally and physically. Help

    Kim Saeed says March 11, 2018

    Hi Amanda,

    Why do you say you can’t get away? At the very least, you might be able to secure transitional housing with your local domestic violence center. Lots of people in your shoes have found relief that way. Wishing you all the best.

    Kim XoXo

    E'Dena Craig-Romero says July 17, 2018

    Maybe it’s not the financial part of leaving but the emotional trama of living without this person. Even though he abuses you in the most cruel of ways your heart, soul and mind won’t allow you leave.

ellen says March 2, 2018

This is almost exactly me and my ex narc story… Been two monthe and the energetic ties are still so strong… Any advice in this would be great… ??

beemack says February 8, 2018

Thank you for this article. I needed it today

Matrona Moraitis says February 6, 2018

My ex narc and I have not been together for 2 years, and he has a new supply. But the thing is they are both tormenting and stalking me. He will not stop at nothing to destroy my life with his new supply at hand. She thinks that she’s helping him with this madness, but I can see that she will be the next in line with the same script and outcome. Hes also turned my children against me but slowly two of them are starting to see the cracks in the masks he changes into. My 23 year old wrote him a long letter so she has something to show him. I’m proud of her as I seriously thought I had lost all hope with all of my kids. The truth sets you free in the end. But picking up the devastating effects of the abuse and all the bullshit that goes with it is the hardest thing I have ever encountered. I just hope that i will make it to the other side with joy happiness and prosperity in my life. REVENGE I have thought of many times but the revenge is to better yourself and have a good life. That will make the narc more jealous and envious cause now he’s got something to really talk about. I just want him out of my life and I thought by him having a new supply I’d be done. Gezz was I wrong, he won’t go away he still there in the back ground slandering me hard. Gossiping about me to everyone and I know he’s playing the victim role and blamed me for everything and said that I abused him. HAHAHA what a joke. He should get an academy award. To me now he looks and sounds so ridiculous and I know he lies all the time hes never told the truth about anything. I’m so angry with myself cause he WAISTED my youth energy breath and my previous time. I regret every moment I spent with him cause he never cared or loved me from the beginning of our relationship. And I always knew in my heart that there was something wrong with him, I could see it and feel it. He never valued his own family and in the end it was my values and beliefs that saved me from the insanity. An angel was looking out for me so I’m grateful that I got away from him.

Skye says August 24, 2017

I honestly find that viewing narcissists as a human form of cancer, or a natural disaster, makes it easier for an empath to accept the above truths. A narcissist’s core value is entitlement, and they’re very likely sociopaths. It can be argued that sociopaths are neurologically different, practically a different species. They’re not demons or monsters, but certainly not human in the way we like to see it. It is their NATURE to hurt. And therefore love doesn’t conquer all with narcissists.

Empaths are the antithesis of narcissists. All the unconditional love and acceptance a empath gives is like holy water to demons, or light to vampires. If something or someone is allergic to pure love, I think that’s a very good sign something’s not right with them.

We forgive to not hold hate within us, for the sake of our own sanity, and those we care about, so we don’t carry grudge and resentment and spread it to those who deserve our love. Narcissists aren’t narcissists because they were abandoned or abused, tons of people have been abandoned and abused and THEIR reaction is make sure NO ONE ELSE ever has to go through what they went through. So really the actions of a narcissist is a CHOICE. And they’re using their past to excuse themselves instead of taking responsibility for their actions.

    Corey Roenbeck says May 26, 2020

    Wow, wonderfully stated- exactly what a narcissists is, so weel put and so important to remember. Thank you

    Vijay says January 6, 2022

    Very true.
    Initially one finds it hard to believe or convince oneselfsince it is beyond an empath’s imagination that a human being can come down to that level in a good relationship.
    Sadly, the truth dawns very late due to the victims’ late acceptance of the facts about the narcissist .
    I had a narcissist spouse who showed her real faces in layers . It took few years to see her through her masks. My parents and dear ones could see through all this but it took nearly a decade to pass bye.
    She was cunning enough to convince everyone that she was a victim in the relationship. But facts kept tumbling out.She stood exposed.
    Good riddance.
    I have used my time for better things to do and achieve a better life.

Brandy says July 7, 2017

Wow, that was so beautifully said. I find it weird when I was with my narcissist he knew when I was feeling great or happy because he would always call at that moment to see what I was doing. Some weird psychic connection. Thank for your post, I actually printed it so I can build some type of strength against my narcissist. I feel like he brain washed me to believe he is whom I need to worship. It has made me into a dependent person. I was always seeking his approval. May we all heal fully.

Patricia says May 2, 2017

I do believe that on a soul level, we have made a pact with the Narcissist person/lover . We did this to learn a valuable life lesson and that was to love ourselves, honour our uniqueness and not allow anyone to destroy our empathy. I believe that the Narcissist will have taken some of the lessons we have taught them even if they can’t accept them now. I agree that they are our ‘soul mates’ or ‘Life’s Lessons Partner’ but we were never meant to stay with them but to accept that we have learnt a lot about ourselves in the time we were with them. Learning to love ourselves, healing the inner child that is wounded and being strong enough to start setting boundaries so that we never cross paths again in this life or the next with a narcissist. Many empaths have also being wounded badly by Narcissistic parents and we never learnt how to set boundaries or to experience what being truly loved means. I am going to work on myself and heal. I thank my ex for showing me that I needed to do so before it’s too late.

margaret says April 28, 2017

Left me x after 35 years. it’s been 11 years since then. It cost me everything. My children knew how hard it was. They were in it too but they share his point of view in all this and that is I am the sick one and I will never change. I am NO CONTACT with him but I miss my children and try to talk to them but they insist they have “moved on” and don’t need a mother anymore. They are 25 and 35. Where does that come from?? I now have no family, no friends and completely cutoff from everyone. I don’t mind living alone, being poor but I don’t deserve any of this.

marie says April 28, 2017

Nice article Kim. I’m in the process of moving out after 2 years with a 7 yo son and an 8-month daughter, but he has instilled fear in me and I’m afraid he might harm my kids if I leave. he is so irresponsible, doesn’t provide for the family yet he claims to love us. he accuses me of being rude when I have a different opinion when we argue. the list is endless. your articles are the only motivation I have right now. I hope to find the courage to leave him.Thanks.

Michelle says April 27, 2017

Wow that was great!! Everything you wrote about I can relate to exactly as you’ve described. It is definitely a sad and painful truth to accept and move on from,but I know after it’s all said and done an even stronger person will rise up from what was once a big mess that we had believed was our happily ever after. Thank you for what you write, it’s very insightful 🙂

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Mary says April 26, 2017

I agree in general with your writing.. but i do not think any part of the narcissists reason or meaning is to heal us in any way.. what we do with it in the end is up to us… they are Ill intent.. and that is all that drives them… their only meaning is meaninglessness…. it is US that turn it into something meaningful… something they will despise.. once we know and start truly healing.. it is when they will hate us even more.. he wanted the revelation to kill me.. he wanted my suicide.. not my evolution.. he can’t evolve.. and he resents that i have something he knows he lacks.

    Lee says April 27, 2017

    Mary, well said. I agree.

Vivian says April 20, 2017

I have come to the full realization of the narcissist personality and that I have been married to one for over 30 years. It really is somewhat of a relief to know the reason for why things have been as they have, though very difficult as well. There have been good times but the desire to make a connection and to be treasured for who an empath (me) is has obviously never been there. I know I need out of this relationship. The only thing holding me back is I have been a stay-at-home-mom for a great deal of those years and it has been very difficult to find a good paying, permanent, full time career. I have an education degree and have applied for numerous positions but currently am subbing which is great pay but not enough to support myself and house payments, etc, as well. I read all over the internet that this is a common problem for women trying to re-enter the work force in their 50’s.

Ann says April 18, 2017

I have sent several emails before. Do you conduct private sessions with clients,

    Kim Saeed says April 18, 2017

    Hi Ann!

    Sorry, I recently switched assistants and a few things got lost in the shuffle! Please accept my apologies…yes, I do offer private sessions, as well as coaching packages. You can review the details here:

    Let me know if you have any questions.

    Kim XoXo

Anonymous says April 16, 2017

Kim. I can’t thank you enough for your “7 painful truths all empaths must eventually face”. This was a missing piece of the puzzle for me and was a huge point I needed to hear point 5. The way you say it like it is. I knew in an indirect way I wasn’t included in the narcissists life but I didn’t have the words. I can now trace this back to my parents and discovered the origin of my feeling of not being included. You have helped me so much to start to get grounded in myself. I can’t thank you enough

    Kim Saeed says April 16, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    I’m very glad to know my article resonated with you. I learned these truths the hard way myself and have coached some of my clients through them, as well. I hope you find a way to heal your wounds, anon. You deserve to be happy.


    Lee says April 18, 2017

    I agree totally!!

Anonymous says April 15, 2017

Thank you for the article “7 Painful Truths All Empaths Must Eventually Face About Narcissists’ I ve taken a test that concluded I was an empathy. It was a test by Judith Orloff, MD. I am divorcing my husband of 24 years, I had begun to pull away from him and just got numb, when he learned I was looking for an apartment the disgard began, he also got together with an old ex girlfriend and convinced her to leave her husband and children. He is extremely good at manipulating and playing the victim. Its been a year since I started learning what was really happening and had been happening. He also has manipulated one of our grown children to see him as a victim and how he has a right to dump me and move onto the woman who truly makes him happy. Ugh, its all so sickening, shocking and crushing. The twin flame reference is what really caught my attention, I kept wondering if that is what happened but something about it just didn’t resonate. I don’t ever want to be around my soon to be ex ever again. I kept thinking, I know I need to deal with how I could be with someone like my husband and never quite convince myself he was doing something I just couldn’t get a handle on. On some level I knew something wasn’t right, but kept convincing myself, marriage takes sacrifice and he had such a rough childhood…. I should be more understanding and giving. I still feel confused and am not looking forward to mediation. He quietly goads me… Its very hard to explain how he has been able to push my buttons. Its hard to believe this is the man I have been married to for so many years.. Sorry for the run on.. Im still shocked by everything even after a year..

    Kim Saeed says April 16, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    Thanks for stopping by 🙂 It definitely takes a while to get over this and if you share children, it’s a little tougher sometimes. I started healing and moving forward when I learned to implement EXTREME modified contact. I rarely speak to my Ex on the phone and use mostly email to communicate. Sadly, I don’t talk to my son when he’s at his dad’s on the weekends, but that leaves less chance for the Ex to flirt and hoover…and believe me, he has tried (even though he’s remarried and has children with his new wife).

    Be extremely diligent during mediation and make sure you document everything.

    Wishing you the best,


    Married to cousin of Shana and going through divorce. says April 17, 2017

    Hello Anonymous. Your story sounds much like mine. Our relationship was unhealthy from the beginning but I was such an empath I suffered through it for 36 years. I’m glad you figured it out before spending any longer being what I would call a captive. Celebrate the freedom found in the discovery of what a narcissist truly is and why you can’t help them no matter how long or how hard you try. We have 7 kids and hrs convinced most of them that he’s a victim. I think that’s the hardest part is that you feel so alone and it makes you question your own logic. They are pros at this. It’s just the way their minds work. If they have been able to convince and control you, think how easy it is for them to do the same to your child.They are like the Pued Piper with the magic flute. Don’t blame the kids but hopefully eventually they will someday recognize the truth for themselves. I wish you well and pat yourself on the back for breaking free! Be your own Heroine and rise to your great potential!

    Lee says April 18, 2017

    Dear Anon, I so agree with what you’re saying…prayers for you on your journey.

Jane Snider says April 15, 2017

Dear Kim, I am an LPC who is three years out from finally ending a relationship with a Narcissist. It was not my first relationship with one. Yes, I am an empath. I just wanted to let you know that I never miss one of your posts and I am so appreciative of your help. Even now, he is able to (almost) Hoover me back in. He is annoyed because I won’t “present our relationship to his family and my family and others” in the way he wants me to. Which would be to pretend that we are still good friends. Amazing. Thanks for helping me be strong!

    Kim Saeed says April 19, 2017

    Hi Jane! Thank you for following me and for commenting. I am glad to know my articles are helping you 🙂

    I can relate to your situation as I was also expected to present my relationship with my Ex as something totally different than what it really was. Boy, did that lead to a LOT of conflict!

    Wishing you all the best in your journey…

    Kim XoXo

Victor says April 15, 2017

Excellent article Kim!

    Kim Saeed says April 16, 2017

    Thank you, Victor! It’s great to see you’re still here 😉

Patricia Chamness says April 15, 2017

I am definitely an empath, with a husband with narcissist traits. I am 68 years old and my husband is 72. I left him while my daughter was being treated in another state for cancer. He treated me so badly while I was gone. Totally self absorbed and could not understand how I could leave him in his condition. Yes, he is very ill and has used thar against me for years. At the same time at least once a tear telling me to leave and get a divorce. The situation had gotten so bad by then I left to be with my daughter. After a year and a half my daughter was in recovery and he still had not let me go. He told me he only had a few months to live so yep I came home. Of course that was a lue but I still feel my place is here till the end. He has me back and in a lot if ways things are better. But I know it won’t last. It is a terrible thing when you are waiting for someone to die to move on with what’s left of your life.

Trish says April 15, 2017

Well written article!

    Kim Saeed says April 16, 2017

    Thanks, Trish! 🙂

Anonymous says April 15, 2017

Well written article!

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