stop proving yourself to the narcissist

3 Reasons to Stop Proving Yourself to the Narcissist

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Want to learn why you should stop proving yourself to the narcissist?

We’ve all been there. 

Doing the humiliating dance of trying to prove our worth to the narcissist. Stripping ourselves bare of our entire identities in order to gain a crumb of validation from them.

Honestly, though, they should be trying to gain our approval, not the other way around.  

Frankly, the narcissist is not the kind of person you should be trying to prove yourself to.

In this article:

We’ll walk you through the step-by-step reasons why the narcissist isn’t worthy of your undying efforts, and show you tools and resources that’ll put you on the path to healing from narcissistic abuse.

You’ll create a way forward and stop auditioning for the narcissist like you’re up for some role in a Hollywood script.

Sound good?

Let’s dive right in.

 

Video Transcript:

3 Reasons to Stop Proving Yourself to the Narcissist

1 – They’re Dishonest

If you’ve found yourself the target of narcissistic abuse, I’ll speculate that you’re a reasonably honest person…maybe too honest.  What do I mean by that?  Let me ask you a question…whether the narcissist in your life is a friend, coworker, or romantic partner, how soon did you share all your deepest secrets with them?  How raw and vulnerable have you allowed yourself to be?  How honest do you continue to be with them, despite the fact that you’ve caught them in numerous lies?

The biggest mistake I see with clients and followers is this…despite the narcissist being a total liar, their targets are still painfully honest with them, freely giving away information that the narcissist then uses as ammunition. 

You don’t have to reveal all your innermost secrets and plans with a dishonest person.  Wanting to protect your well-being and your future doesn’t make you a liar, it makes you smart.  Furthermore, divulging everything to the narcissist doesn’t make them view you in a more positive light.  It makes them think you’re gullible and easy to take advantage of, all while they continue to lie to your face left-and-right. 

Going forward, you should consider making the narcissist prove they’re honest before you even consider sharing important information with them.

2 – They’re Unfaithful

Narcissists are notorious cheaters.  They do not bond emotionally with their partners and are always looking for the next shiny object for entertainment and an escape from boredom.

Because of this, they are also notorious for blaming their partners FOR their cheating.

Narcissists who cheat aren’t doing it because there’s anything wrong with you.  They do it because they have low moral values, lack of willpower, and a severe lack of gratitude for what you’ve offered them in your relationship.

Forgiving the narcissist isn’t going to do anything to improve your chances with them.  In fact, forgiving a cheating narcissist is the same as giving them permission to keep doing it…and they WILL keep doing it.

No, the narcissist needs to prove they’re trustworthy, not the other way around.  And this is very unlikely to happen because narcissists are some of the most untrustworthy people on the planet.


3 – They Have No Morals

Narcissists have no moral compass.  They will do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to fulfill their pathological agendas.  If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissistic individual for any length of time, you’ve likely already figured this out for yourself.  Even if you caught them doing something shady or unacceptable, they probably gave you a reasonable-sounding explanation, causing you to go back into your bubble where they are just a normal person, trying to live their life like everyone else.

But here’s the deal…the things you KNOW about the narcissist are just the tip of the iceberg. 

Underneath the murky waters, there’s a whole undiscovered world down there. 

narcissist mind games

According to Dr. Athena Staik, PhD, narcissism is a severe cognitive disturbance and is regarded as an enduring character disorder by the DSM; this means the prognosis for recovery is zero to none. This disturbance is characterized by the absence of an internal value system, a set of core emotion-drives that universally guide the decision-making behaviors of human beings in relationships. Nothing repels narcissists more than human traits of caring, tenderness, and compassion for others.

We can deduce, then, that no amount of trying to prove yourself to the narcissist will ever make a difference in their opinion of you.  Instead, consider dropping your attachment to what they think and realize that no person alive is good enough for the narcissistic individual owing to their lack of empathy and sense of entitlement.

Instead of focusing on the narcissist’s opinion, who is a pathological liar, anyhow…reflect on the opinion you have of yourself.  If that’s been damaged during your relationship with a narcissist, consider asking your friends and family who care about you. 

Even if narcissists can see that you have skills in any area of life, their whole agenda rests on making you feel worthless.  This is precisely how they keep you auditioning and playing nice.  If they can make you feel you’ve let them down or are no longer appealing to them, this is how they can extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply if you play into their game. 

It’s time to stop trying to prove yourself to the narcissist, trying to gain their approval, their admiration, or their acceptance, because the whole structure of narcissistic abuse is designed to make you feel like you can never be good enough.

And that’s the way you will always feel as long as you’re in a relationship with them.

The Only Way to Make Things Work With the Narcissist

Sure, during times of hoovering, they can be very convincing and make you believe they didn’t mean what they said, that they really think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. But if there is a pattern of emotional and verbal abuse, this is all part of the narcissistic abuse cycle (or the power and control cycle). Therefore, it is important to try to get to a place within yourself of radical acceptance, try to radically accept that the narcissist cannot change. Stop resisting, stop fighting, stop feeding into the “what if” scenarios.  Stop trying to appeal to their long-gone inner child.

These actions are exhausting, and they can take a tremendous toll on your physical and mental wellbeing.

Narcissists are who they are.  By radically accepting them and choosing to stay in a relationship with them, it means you take the good and the bad without expecting them to change, and without being surprised every time they betray you, yet again.  These are really the only two choices you have.

You are dealing with a narcissistic individual. You accept them the way they are and stop trying to force them into this image of who you want them to be. Accept them for who they are with all their betrayals, all their lies, all their cheating, their low morals, their lack of empathy…accept them that way.

If you really want to keep them in your life, that’s the only way you can do it…by accepting them for who they are. But that’s not really a way to live. A lot of people do think to themselves, Well, I will just martyr myself and just accept the narcissist for who they are, because I can’t stand the thought of them not being in my life.

But it’s only a matter of time until you realize that this is no way to live because your mental wellbeing is going to continue to deteriorate. And that’s not even to mention all the physical manifestations that trauma will cause within your physical body. That’s really no way to live. And I hope you’ll see that today after reading this article.

Do you need help and resources to break free from narcissistic abuse in your relationship?

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8 comments
Ann says September 18, 2020

I literally just a few days ago had the movie ‘Nights In Rodanthe’ pop up in my viewing feed.
I know now why.
It was sent to me by my guardian angel.
I needed to watch it to learn a valuable life lesson.
Richard Gere was carefully placed into Dinan’s Lanes life to be shown she can be her authentic self. She has the choice to eave her past roles behind and find herself worthy of unconditional love.
This is just as I have stepped outside my comfort zone to have the courage a take the leap of faith; to leave my old past contracts behind that do no suit me.
To see I have a choice to be healthy and happy to embrace joy in my life.
It’s amazing thank you for helping me in this process!!

Reply
NINA says September 17, 2020

THANK YOU FOR THESE VIDEOS! ITS AMAZING HOW YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPEN BEFORE IT HAPPENS AND YOU PREPARED ME. THE PREPARATION HELPED – I HAVE A L O N G WAY TO GO

Reply
Isabel says September 17, 2020

Thank you Kim for this teaching, it really spoke to me. My partner literally humiliates me, almost daily and then expects me to be loving with him. I’m tiered of proving myself to him. I notice his patterns don’t change, and yet allow him to treat me so bad.
I’m June of this year I finally stood up for myself, and I restrained him from me, and he is no longer in the home. Even while he’s away, he blames me, and doesn’t take accept any responsibility. Thank you again this is a real eye opener. 👍🏻

Reply
    Kim Saeed says September 17, 2020

    Hi Isabel,

    It’s definitely difficult when you’re still dealing with painful and abusive behaviors. I always recommend breaking free from situations like this because it’s the only way to truly begin feeling relief from the trauma. We’re having a price relief event on our main program right now. You can find more details here: https://courses.letmereach.com/p/the-essential-no-contact-accelerator-course/?product_id=1191581&coupon_code=PRICERELIEF40

    The pain won’t go away on its own. You’ll want to take a proactive approach to your healing and our program has been vetted by therapists.

    Hugs,

    Kim

    Reply
Catherine says September 16, 2020

Thank you for all your advice to those still involved with a narcissist. I am 5 years out and still dealing with the damage done during a 30 year marriage. I am proud of the fact I am still standing, but it has been very difficult having little confidence. I still enjoy your articles because it helps me not feel so alone.

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Sebastián says September 16, 2020

No one has commented on this? It’s one of the better articles I’ve read from you, at least for it’s impact on me. Maybe I didn’t realize that I had been trying to prove myself to her (at least in my head, as I’m no longer in contact with her), and that’s why this has struck a cord. I’m grateful to many of the authors of such articles for some of the sanity they’ve brought me. Thanks.

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Albee Johnsony tube says September 15, 2020

I just want to thank you for the information its helping me to heal.Thank you

Reply
    Kim Saeed says September 16, 2020

    Very glad to know it’s helping you, Albee 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
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