narcissistic grooming

The Art of Narcissistic Grooming

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Hey there, beautiful.

I can hardly believe that someone as intelligent as you is here, reading my blog post.

That you are even giving me a few minutes of your precious time brightens my entire day.

Out of all the sites out there, you are here…on mine. 

Do you know what that means?  Destiny has brought you here.  It’s in the stars for us to be together. 

Just one glance from your eyes gives my life purpose. 

Speaking of the stars…can I ask you a question?  Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

Seriously, I hope I’m not being too forward here, but has anyone told you lately how amazingly beautiful you are?  You are undoubtedly the most stunning person I’ve ever seen; the smartest, the most exquisite.

And the fact that I get that about you makes me the luckiest person alive. 

Why don’t you give me your number?  I promise not to bite…that is, unless you want me to.  You just say the word. 

So, shall I call you tonight around seven?  I will make you forget about everything that’s ever caused you grief or sorrow, if you’ll just give me the chance. 

I’ll protect you…you will be safe with me.  I will show you what it means to be taken care of.


Remember those words?  Remember how, after giving into the constant praise and flattery, the “intimacy” was so great?  How the narcissist told you that you had the best body, the best love-making skills, and how they couldn’t get enough of you?

You were the classiest, most charming person they’d ever met.  The two of you were soul mates, right?

And these are the words that ring in your mind for years – keeping you hooked, desperate, and longing for a hint of those feelings of importance, worthiness, and deservedness.  Long after the abuse has set in; long after you discovered the lies, the cheating, and that your partner has no conscience.  Long after the love bombing is a distant memory.

Why is it that you morph into putty when the Narcissist says these words to you, when others have tried to garner your attention and failed?  Why do you stay with them, even after discovering they aren’t sincere in their words or promises?  Even after discovering that love bombing is simply a tool of manipulation?

Narcissists are charming, convincing, and very good at their game.  While most of them are attractive, even those who aren’t can make themselves appear to be so through the way they dress, their attitudes, and the various images they project.  Further, if intimacy with them is good, they become even more attractive.  There’s nothing like oxytocin to keep one attached to a partner, whether or not the partner in question is good for one’s mental well-being.

On the other hand, there’s another reason Narcissists are good at hooking and keeping their targets.  They learn their deepest insecurities and fears, and then proceed to magnify them to the point that their victims become obsessed with maintaining the narcissist’s approval and validation.

In the beginning, the Narcissist told you everything you ever wanted to hear about your worth.  They built you up, high in the sky, where you thought nothing could ever bring you down.  You’d never felt so understood and appreciated.

Then, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute the Narcissist began deconstructing the foundation of your new-found confidence.  They made you doubt yourself, your worth, and your potential for success and happiness. They resurrected the insecurities you developed during your early years, when many of us were taught that we were born bad, sinful, and imperfect – and there was nothing we could do about it.

Hence, after the idealization phase from the Narcissist, your soul experienced a slow, torturous descent into the pits of self-loathing, insecurity, and misery.  And every day, you wait for the Narcissist to show some sign of remorse, some indication that you’re not so unworthy, after all.

Why is it that other people can tell you all day long how attractive, successful, and worthy you are, yet it does little to relieve your grief?  It’s because those people aren’t abusing your inner child, which is precisely what the Narcissist is doing to you each day that you remain in a relationship with him or her.  Indeed, the Narcissist does this intentionally and with ill-will. They’ve turned love bombing into an art form.

It’s how they keep you hooked…but, you can stop this cycle of darkness and grief.  Imagine your younger self, the one the Narcissist emotionally abuses each day, take him or her by the hand, and lead them into safety.  Only by standing up for your younger self will you begin your journey of emotional healing. 

One way you can do that is by love bombing your younger self to stabilize the grief you experienced as a child.  Whereas the Narcissist keeps you enmeshed with their manipulative punishment and reward system, you can love your adult and younger self unconditionally, which is a concept the Narcissist will never comprehend.

I am worth loving.  I deserve all good in my life and I know that as I accept this on a deep level for myself it becomes true for me. 

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The True Tragedy of the End of Love Bombing - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says July 29, 2019

[…] it’s hard to resist.  The love bombing phase was like nothing you’d ever experienced.  You met this unique, charming individual and […]

HB says April 18, 2015

Dear Kim,
I have been reading your site for a couple of weeks now because I had a friendship with a guy that went horribly wrong at Christmas and I have been searching for reasons since then. I have written many poems about my experiences and I would like to share this one with you and your readers called ‘The Mirror’. This is how I felt and still feel and it is taking a very long time to come to terms with the fact that I have lost this friendship although I know that it was unhealthy for me (also I am married to a really wonderful guy). I hope that some of your readers can connect with this poem. Love and thank you so much that you take the time to write about this subject. Your words have already helped me so much. Heather x

The Mirror

When you look in the mirror what do you see?
Can you honestly say, it’s who you want to be?
Looking clearly deep down into your soul,
No fraction of guilt when my heart you stole?
The world is your mirror, people’s adoration,
You bask in their praise, you are their creation.
An illusion which distracts and is not to capture,
Your intangible image is to be adored in rapture.
Before I believed you to be pure and shy,
But ultimately you made me hurt and cry.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, did I deserve?
Was I too intense, not enough reserve?
You created for me a pie in the sky,
Never real truth; but I don’t know why.
I believed every word, loving you fully,
You made my brain all kinda woolly.
Out of the magician’s hat you pulled your disguise,
I believed and worshipped, heart innocent, unwise.
You broke my mirror into a thousand shards,
Piercing my vision, another of your facades.
The pieces are scattered all over the ground,
Frantically I search; soul nowhere to be found.
Misfortune and loss a broken mirror does bring,
To survive, being a zombie, simply functioning.
But through the tiny glass a glorious prism does form,
Wondrous, magical, a new light slowly will dawn.
Separated, but still one, a unique heart reborn,
A changed diamond, gleaming bright, not forlorn.
Never to be mended, those chances have gone,
But as the sun arises life WILL go on.
Stand and face the mirror of truth with no fear of what you see,
Because the answer lies within myself and I know that I am me.

    Kim Saeed says April 18, 2015

    Absolutely profound, HB.

    I’ve posted this as a guest submission. Thank you for this beautiful poem <3 I'm sure it will be a hit with anyone who reads it.

      HB says April 18, 2015

      Thank you very much. I hope the dark times will pass for everyone. I wish them on no one xx

    Anonymous says January 1, 2017


The Art of Love Bombing | Creativity From Within says April 18, 2015

[…] The Art of Love Bombing. […]

    Kim Saeed says April 18, 2015

    Thank you for sharing <3

gentlekindness says April 15, 2015

Reblogged this on Lovely Wounded Lady Says ….

    Kim Saeed says April 18, 2015

    Thank you for sharing <3

Blink says April 6, 2015

I lapped it up like a stray dog! Realised today I’m co-dependent, now I can ask for therapy.

Anonymous says April 6, 2015

I lapped it up like a stray dog! Realised today I’m co-dependent, now I can ask for therapy.

I’m Not Abused, Really | janetkwest says April 5, 2015

[…] The Art of Love Bombing […]

Angie says April 4, 2015

love bombed

My ex bombed me in the beginning., He bought me things.He was so romantic ,and perfect. Looking back I see all the red flags now.I have spent 6 years of my life with a jerk.I am so drained from all the ups ,and downs he put me through. Narcissists will say and do anything to trap their prey in the beginning. . Mine expected me ,and my children to wait on him like he was a king.Whenever I pointed out his behaviors I was told to shut the beep up.Once they are done with you they ignore you.They leave you confused ,and broken. One is left with so many unanswered questionsI have been single a year now.I no longer care about being with a man,My kids and my goals are all that’s important. If it seems to good to be true then it is ladies.Also never move away from your friends, and famil.y to be with a man., I have noticed many women including myself, make this mistake.If a man loves you he will move.Also never depend on any man .Always put money aside for a rainy day in case things go wrong.Do not let anybody know about this savings account.I don’t care if your married.You can out it under a childs name too in case of divorce .Well I pray that others wil not be so ignorant. Life is to short to waste it on a jerk.

    mary jane says April 4, 2015

    Your better off without her..She used you and then discarded you like yesterdays news. I am sure she uses all the men her life.I know its hard but you must move on. Next time no matter how beautiful she is don’t loan her money .Maybe you should date a woman that’s beautiful on the inside. After all outer beauty fades with age. A man or woman should love a person from the inside out.Most of those super hot people out there are mean selfish rude spoiled creatures.. In other words their stuck on themselves.They are high maintained too. I should know I dated a few guys that were selfish etc. I myself have always dated a person based on their intellect ,and personality. My last guy of 5 years was truly a monster. Anyways I wish you luck!

      RodMan says April 5, 2015

      Yes, you are correct that dating someone for looks is always going to lead down the wrong path. My point was I actually thought this person was a genuinely good person who had just made some bad decisions in her life. She was vulnerable, and down on herself quite a bit. She never bragged about herself, and instead always bragged about me. I should have seen the warnings. She even told me once in a moment of weakness that she used men in the past, and knows she has hurt people, and hates that she did.

      Truth be told, it was her charm and adoration of me that kept me hooked. Her looks would not have worked with me if she came across as a selfish person. She was very, very good at hiding this side.

      In any case, while it still hurts, No contact for 12 months ( other than an attempt to recover my money to no avail), and I will never lend money again. Ever.

    HB says April 18, 2015

    Thank you Kim. It really helps to hear that although the ‘story’ is different they’re basically all the same xxx

RodMan says April 4, 2015

Picture one of the most attractive women you have ever seen. Add to the fact that this woman was someone you had a crush on twenty years before, but never attracted her gaze beyond one failed date. Then through social media you decide to look her up. You have no expectations whatsoever. You just want to see how she is doing after all these years. Lo and behold, this woman decides to pursue you like you have never been chased before. She promises you her undying love, she flatters you constantly, she texts you all the time. Your friends are amazed by how beautiful she is, and tell you not to screw this up…lol. Even a mutual friend of you both tells you that she told him that she thinks she has found “the one” in you. She travels over 300 miles to visit you three times over three months. Finally, you start to trust it.

That is when everything goes helter skelter. All of a sudden the texts/calls are less, you start to hear criticism about you personality, and you get the feeling there may be someone else she is seeing on the side. She decides to break up with you out of the blue and without warning. Then for months you do everything to try and get her back. You both remain good friends, but you want more. You think of her ALL the time. You cannot concentrate. She permeates your mind and soul. She tells you that she wants you in her life for all time. Then, you have a temporary moment of insanity and decide to let her borrow $3,000. She tells you that in a month her 401 K check comes in and she will be sending you the money she borrowed. The check never comes, and she disappears and blocks you from her social media sites, and essentially out of her life for good.

It has been over a year, and I am slowly but surely getting back to the person I was before meeting her. Still, I think of her often. Part of me misses her greatly, even after the betrayal. I have not heard a peep from her, of course. I learned a hard lesson I should not have had to learn at 39 years old. I still beat myself up often for my decision. I lament the thought that she would still be in my life to this day if money had not entered the equation.

Yes, I would like to say that I am healed completely, but this is not true. It hurts…very bad. The love bombing and hot pursuit from this charming and vulnerable beauty is no doubt what caused the addiction. I understand cognitively what happened, but her and I rarely argued and would talk for hours on the phone. We both had many of the same insecurities and doubts, and skated a common bond. I still am at a loss to articulate what happened to us. Is she a bad person for what she did? Absolutely. It was so wrong, and I would never do this to someone. So, I “get it.” And yet, I don’t.! Anyway, this blog nailed it.

    SipseySue says April 5, 2015

    Yes, women can be narsiccists, too. Thank you for posting. Don’t feel bad about going through this at your age. I am 42 an went through it for ten years before I woke up. It does and will take a long time to get over abuse. I am just a month out of it, and still in a constant battle to stay strong and to find and love myself again. I have a tough battle in front of me, but it takes a while to clean up after a terrible storm, and aren’t we glad it’s over, now? 🙂 Take care

      HB says April 18, 2015

      Dear KIm, all of your blogs are amazing but this one hit it right on the head for me. Also Mr RodMan’s reply was so similar to my situation in so many ways that I just fell compelled to reply. I married to a wonderful guy and therefore can’t believe what happened to me in April last year. I had been thinking about a guy who I had known at university 20 years and thus searched for him via social media and got in touch with him. I was very nervous about it thinking he may think I’m a bit strange but I had missed him and thought it would be nice to friends again as we had been at uni. He was apparently overjoyed to hear from me. The brief history to the story is that he’d been in love with me at uni but nothing had ever happened because I had a boyfriend at the time and he had been too frightened to ask me out. Anyway, it all started in a lovely fashion, we chatted and got on really well in a friendly way, but then he began telling me how ‘gorgeous, hot, stunning, wonderful’ I was. He sent me lots of voice and written messages every day. To my shame I completely fell for him. I wanted to be his friend but I honestly fell in love with him. However, he is also married (of course) and always said, although he found me very attractive and regretted never being with me, he couldn’t because he had to remain loyal to his wife. This went on over many months and although I asked him a couple of times to stop saying nice things to / about me, he didn’t stop. I became completely obsessed with him and was constantly desperate to hear from him. There were many times when I said something ‘wrong’ and then he was insulted and didn’t contact me for a whole weekend, for example, during those times I was totally depressed, hurt and had stomach pains and felt lost and disorientated. I begged him over and over again to reply and he eventually did. Then I asked to meet him which he agreed to but then at the last minute told me he could only come for an hour and no longer because he had other plans. I travelled to his town which was a long way, gave him money for his phone bill (which I found out wasn’t necessary but he took it anyway), and he didn’t appreciate the fact that he paid for one drink for me which was just by chance as I wanted to pay for the second one but then he ‘had to’ go. I gave him presents and told him how much he meant to me, he never reciprocated this because it would be disloyal to his wife, but he constantly flattered me. Anyway, it reached a head last Xmas when I travelled home (UK – I live in Europe) and we had agreed to meet again. I was absolutely desperate to see him. He was the same as usual, writing messages with ‘hi gorgeous’, ‘hi lovely’ etc. Then suddenly on 26th Dec he told me he was leaving his wife (after 20 years of marriage). I was totally shocked but offered him my support (which I had also done throughout the friendship, suggesting counselling etc.), he didn’t reply much, but then on 28th Dec he informed me that he was fine and had a new girlfriend who he was moving in with on 30th Dec!! I was devastated, hurt, angry, jealous! I reacted really badly and called him various names, apparently he’d been seeing her since mid November and had planned to leave his wife… I had thought I was special and if he ever left his wife, i would be the one, o.k. that’s egotisitcal of me but that’s what I believed although as I said my husband is great (shame on me). Anyway, I acted vengefully which I am ashamed to admit. I went to one of his shops which he oversees as a manager and told one of the ladies about what he’d done to me and that he was leaving his wife. I know this was totally wrong if I had my time over again, I wouldn’t do it, but at this point he had left his wife (so he said). Well, on 28th Dec he then sent me a message that he had had a change of heart and was staying with his wife……. He went absolutely beserk and informed me of how I had broken his trust etc. etc. I felt / still feel very guilty about it all. I have since then sent him lots of messages literally begging him to forgive me. It’s as if I am now responsible for his affair…. In his last message he told me that ‘I’m not a bad person but…..’ and I should contact him in a few months’ time when he’s had time to heal. He doesn’t seem to think that I need to heal too. As RodMan wrote, I know in my brain that I shouldn’t contact him and that he isn’t really my friend, but I miss him so much that it hurts, he made me feel wonderful (briefly) and I want him to say that he’s sorry and he does acutally love me as a friend (never going to happen…) I know that I’m still in danger of contacting him in a couple of months time and I’m sure he’d just use the occasion to remind me once again of my heinous act of breaking his trust. I also question why he acted like this, why he couldn’t be my friend. He of course said that he didn’t understand how I could feel that he was stringing me along and he couldn’t love me because I have a temper….. I have never felt so unworthy of someone before although I thought that I was quite a nice person really…. Also I’m so disappointed because I had had such great hopes for our friendship. I also feel very ashamed of my behaviour regarding my husband who really is a great man and friend and can’t believe that I would act so stupidly at 44. I’m sorry I’ve written such a long post, but I’m still not out of the woods yet and your blog is so beautifully written and helps me to see the light. I would appreciate any advice you could give Kim, but I know you invest so much time already so I understand if you can’t reply. Also I find it wonderful that other people are so honest and open on the site, it really helps. Love HB

        Kim Saeed says April 18, 2015

        Thank you kindly for sharing your story, HB. It really does help for people to have personal stories to draw from in order to compare their own experiences. These narcissistic imposters are all the same, yet when we’ve been targeted by one it seems so sincere and personal. Then, we later discover we were played like a violin. I wish you all the very best in going No Contact and healing.

Annie says April 4, 2015

I too believed the lies because after 20 years they became the truth I wanted to believe. When everything fell apart I found my whole life was built on a foundation of lies. I am three years away from him now and happier than I can ever remember but trusting another man has been the biggest challenge for me.

SipseySue says April 4, 2015

I am freshly out of a ten year relationship with a Narcissist. He had been seeing someone else for awhile, apparently. Your articles and the comments have helped me, tremendously. Thank you. I believe the love bombing I received was a large part of why I stayed with him so long. I bought into the lie.

jackie says April 4, 2015

Hello, I really believe I was or became a victim over my years.., well to make a very long story short, I met my boyfriend in 1998 at the lax airport I had than separated from my husband of 15 yrs. Which my husband and I had 4 adorable children, the youngest was a year and a half than now she’s 19. Anyway the new guy I had met in 1998 was I thought a good god catch for me. As the time and years went on we lived together and had our own apartment a couple of times. Joseph was there through out our years to help me raise my youngest and my second to my youngest,. But I noticed around 2002 and beyond Joseph had started lyeing and accusing me of other men….smh. That’s the time it was getting started I guess with the true colors of him started coming out. Yes I felt very bad.. But I would deal with it hopeing he would wake up and realize the real person that he’s with… OK than years went by still the same thing but it had started getting a lot worst.. I was wondering why.. By the time 2013 of march came around he dumped me… I was solo hurt, its no joke on Fillings when betrayded… Yes! I cryed to him , I cryed.. Why Joseph, why!.. I still was trying to be with him all the way up till Jan of 2015… Yep… All the rejecting all the turning his head and refuse to talk about what’s going on, he had no compassion for me.. My words were not heard at all he had put this woman way up above me for no reason at all!…. I was really dogged out.. I haven’t spoke to Joseph since Jan 29 of this year. He had started telling me to stop calling him all last year when I was trying to fight by myself… Boy it has been a journey for me guys… I really believe today, if I didn’t have god on my side maybe I would have lost it… You cannot do this’d on your own, I finally let go like god told me so and giver the pain over to him and he would fix this.. Its still hard sometime, I still have my moments and cry and than I will get strong, over and over, cry, strong, cry, strong. But I’m getting better as the days past by. I know and Believe what goes as round comes around. Just pray for me… I do believe one day Joseph will be sorry one day and he’s going to need me for his help. I would love some reply among my story of what do you think?

    Kim Saeed says April 14, 2015

    Jackie, thank you for sharing your story. It’s likely that he will try to come back at some point in time, so it’s crucial to keep him blocked. Although he’ll never really be sorry, he might come around wanting your help.

    These people never change. I hope you can maintain NC so you can heal and move on with your life in a positive direction.

Jane Forsyth says April 4, 2015

My ex husband said all those things to me, but that feeling of being on a pedestal lasted for six and a half years, and only crumbled when I turned against him and chose my children’s happiness over him… And I have suffered another six years of hated from him despite not being with him for all that time.

irenedesign2011 says April 4, 2015

Very well description of how the narcissist break us down in pieces.

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