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Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program
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Love Addiction Drug

Love Bombing is the Gateway Drug to Love Addiction

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If you’ve ever been in love with a narcissist, you’re likely aware of how good they are at manipulating your relationship.

One of their tools of manipulation is something called love bombing, which appeals to the dreams and hopes their targets have regarding being loved unconditionally, being rescued from past emotional harm, and never having to worry about infidelity or betrayal.

The more you know about your emotional triggers, the better equipped you’ll be to protect yourself. You’ll learn how to identify manipulative people, how to recognize if you’re dealing with love addiction, and find the courage necessary to let go of toxic relationships.

Maintaining no contact is one of the most important things you can do when you’ve ended a relationship with a narcissist. But it can be extremely difficult.

To help you take steps toward maintaining no contact, let’s review why love bombing is so detrimental. Then, learn about steps which will allow you to heal from your toxic relationships and focus on your recovery and transformation after narcissistic abuse.

What Is Love Bombing and Why Is It So Addictive?

The main reason it’s difficult to leave toxic relationships is that they’re highly addictive. It’s hard to recognize this in the moment, however.

To better understand the formation of love addiction, let’s take a look at love bombing.

Love bombing refers to a variety of words or actions that make the receiver feel loved, valued, and cared for. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a negative thing, but it can be when it’s used by someone who has ulterior motives.

When used by a narcissist, love bombing is a tool of manipulation. Often, when those who are in a relationship with a narcissist express the desire to end things, the narcissist showers them with words of love.

The term “love bombing” originally referred to actions that members of cults would use to lure new members.

Alex Myles of ElephantJournal.com states that, when in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath, love bombing starts during the very first meeting. These are often considered whirlwind romances and, as Myles says, it can be “a dizzying experience.”

The love interest of the narcissist is so flattered and overtaken with their emotions that it can be difficult to see through all the love bombing to the heart of the matter. They create a fantasy world, totally absorbed in the euphoric ‘high’ from the feelings evoked by the narcissist’s validation and interest in them.

Over time, the love-bombing process, in fact, causes a biochemical addiction.  This addiction worsens after stints of the Silent Treatment and subsequent hoovering episodes.  

This interview I did with Dr. Rhonda Freeman explains how biochemical addiction makes it so difficult to leave toxic relationships:

The problem with love bombing is that, once the narcissist or sociopath is bored, they end the relationship. This leaves the other person feeling hurt, broken, and craving love. After all, they’re used to being showered with words of love and devotion. Once it’s gone, or the narcissist gets angry and abusive and stops their displays of affection, their partner is left feeling empty, even desperate. The target realizes their fantasy of having finally found true and unconditional love was just an illusion, after all.

Symptoms of Love Addiction

Loving a narcissist can have adverse effects on your physical, mental, and emotional health because they prey on the fantasy their partners have about true love and yellow brick roads. If you’re curious as to whether you’re dealing with love addiction or not, take a moment to review the following symptoms. These are just some of the most common symptoms of love addiction.

  • Obsession with a romantic love interest
  • Mistaking sex or romantic attention to mean there’s long-term potential and/or a true emotional bond
  • Believing you can be loved in a “special way” that will make you happy for the rest of your life, as seen in popular romantic comedies or romance novels
  • Compulsive behaviors regarding the relationship
  • Lack of control – reacting immediately to emotional triggers without thinking of consequences
  • A strong desire to go back to the narcissistic individual
  • Striving obsessively to maintain the chemistry and romantic intensity that seemed present at the beginning of the relationship
  • Since reaching adulthood, you haven’t spent any time alone. You’ve always been in a relationship or you start a new one immediately after one has ended

The problem with love bombing is that it’s too good to be true. And this is something that victims of abuse find out rather quickly.

Of course, a thoughtful partner will show affection, say kind words, and make romantic dinner reservations. But the narcissist goes above and beyond. They shower their victim with so much love that it literally becomes something they crave.  To be showered with such seeming affection activates the same pleasure centers in the brain as other types of addictions such as those to drugs, alcohol, and food.

Then, the narcissist pulls away, either because they want to leave the relationship, they’ve found another target, or because they’re angry at their partner. They blame their partner for ruining the relationship and for making them angry. The partner becomes afraid of losing the narcissist because they’re now addicted to the “love” they’ve been shown. It’s a vicious cycle. 

Maintaining No Contact and Other Healthy Ways to Cope with Love Addiction

You do not deserve to be with someone who treats you this way. Their actions and behavior are unacceptable. Deep down you probably realize this, but the idea of leaving is scary. Feelings of fear, self-doubt, and of whether you’ll find love in the future run rampant.

The key to recovery and transformation after narcissistic abuse may initially seem counterintuitive. The key is maintaining no contact with the abuser.  This is one of the first steps you need to take to break free from your love addiction.

It’s important to note, though, that like any addiction, love addiction has withdrawal symptoms. How can you healthfully work through these?

  1. Don’t give up. Again, this is an addiction. There may be times when you are overcome by your feelings. That’s ok – forgive yourself and move on. Remember: you don’t deserve to be in an abusive relationship.
  2. Get educated. Learn about your addiction. This will give you the upper hand. The more knowledge you have, the more you’ll be able to plan for and recognize triggers.
  3. Always be kind to yourself. Don’t ever treat yourself the way your abuser did. You’re not them, and you don’t deserve what they put you through.
  4. Get help. Talk to someone regularly about what you went through and what feelings you’re currently dealing with. The regularity is a good way to work through low points. Plus, the person you’re talking to probably sees more progress than you do. It’s good to hear how well you’re doing from someone outside the situation.

Recovery and Transformation After Narcissistic Abuse is Possible!

While you’re in the midst of an abusive relationship, the thought of getting out and feeling happy and healthy again seems impossible.

However, once you learn about your addiction, take steps to remove narcissistic people from your life, and get outside assistance, you will be able to overcome your love craving.

And, in time, you’ll make a full, healthful recovery and transformation after narcissistic abuse. You’ll get there – don’t give up!

I would LOVE for you to share your thoughts on this topic!  Are you still entangled in your relationship?  Do you have hints on how others can break free from their addiction to the narcissist?  

Please share in the comment section below.


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56 comments
5 Things To Never Do If You Think You’re Dealing With A Narcissist - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says July 16, 2019

[…] wedding of their dreams. Maybe they’ll go overboard with the fancy, surprise proposal and start love bombing you incessantly. Perhaps they’ll write out a sappy, tear-jerking Facebook status announcing their […]

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What Does Pink Clouding Have to do With Narcissistic Abuse? - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says June 16, 2019

[…] you say, gaslight you, hurl insults, and make you feel completely worthless. Next, he or she will shower you with praise, gifts, and affection – temporarily of […]

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Annette Simpson says May 16, 2019

I with you. Your story is almost the same as mine. Thank you for sharing 😊

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Dorothy says April 29, 2019

Thank you for your supportive emails which are informative. Yes, all I ever attracted were narcissistic and sociopathic men in positions of power and authority. This recreated my childhood caregivers. I currently feel neutral about the man who is in my life. Once I had an obsession that he was the knight in shining armor that would rescue and validate me. However, by standing up legally to a religious system with men in power and authority I realized my own power. I rescued my own inner child. This is what has neutralized the man who has been the one I would fix to rescue me! I have compassion for him as a wounded person. I deal with him from a higher place. This has caused him to morph and rise higher in his mirroring. Right now I am processing early childhood trauma and seeing the role he played by being energetically identical to a significant character during the period of time I am processing.

Hopefully very soon I will go back to no contact. There is no way this person can change because he isn’t willing to look inside and do the hard work. He merely parrots everything I have fed him by sharing in detail my recovery process! I handed over the bait to use to manipulate me and the language I use in which to form a fake connection.

I am currently in a twelve step program to help me with occasional intermittent abuse of alcohol. I will use the twelve steps with him as well.

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Craig says January 19, 2019

Thank you so much for this article. I am really able to help myself heal knowing that I have been in such an abusive relationship. I thought I was crazy for having such a hard time leaving and I felt so weak. I have finally broken free from her and have been maintaining a no contact policy. This has been so hard to do but every day it gets easier. Part of letting go came when I just stopped counting how many days it’s been since we texted or spoke. I was able to just put all of it into the past. I purged my life of things that remind me of her including music and anything that I noticed could trigger an emotional response.
I really was helped reading all of this information and am truly grateful
Craig

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    Kim Saeed says January 21, 2019

    Thank you for sharing, Craig. I’m very happy to know you are healing and moving forward. Wishing you all the very best 🙂

    Kindly,

    Kim

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SAMANTHA LUECK says December 14, 2018

RIGHT ON!!!

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SAMANTHA LUECK says December 14, 2018

YES! For helping with “NO CONTACT.” I wrote down a list of all the UNACCEPTABLE ABUSIVE comments, events, behaviors, feelings, insult, wtv occurred and keeping it by my computer for referral when I felt weak. One look at the list, and I was back in that moment, acknowledging it happened and I didn’t deserve that. I recommend this to others. Also, a list of ignored red flags. Hindsight is 20/20…

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Agnes says November 25, 2018

Oh my gosh, this is exactly what I have just gone through! Or, still going. It’s been a month since I’ve been discarded. My mind still can’t comprehend what happened. After a 2 year of a relationship to a guy who seemed soooooo good to me, I confronted him about his drinking and he suddenly pulled the plug. Dissapeared on me. No explanation. I’m buffled. I was about to sell my house to live with him as he insisted we should live together to build our future. I hesitated due to his unresolved situation with ex wife and unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So he withdrew. Completely! After all this love and attention he showered me with. It’s mind boggling!

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Michelle Henry says July 16, 2018

It is very difficult to admit this is me. But Kim, you have the Most sound info out there when facing narcissistic abuse. I tried to bargain with myself that I didn’t have to go No Contact. It is a process, but it is the only way. Every email i get is perfect timing in my journey of healing. I am also enrolled in bootcamp. Much love to you and what you do.

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Denise says June 17, 2018

I was discarded by my ex a little over a month ago. I always considered myself strong and independent. The more i read about narcisstic abuse the more i realize what happened to me. He bought a house and moved 1 of his 2 ex’s that he stayed “friends” with in. I have alot of learning and healing to do but im on my way. It was a painful experience and im still learning to think differently.

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Michelle says May 27, 2018

Wow! All of our stories are so similar! My ex-husband just up till two weeks has been promising to buy me a house and that he can’t live without me i’m the only women for him, Blah Blah BLah! LOL! He has tried to put constant pressure on me the he needed me, for him that meant sex. We don’t talk and out of the blue he loves me and can’t live without me ? I don’t think so. Then on Sunday after mothers day he texted me that he would not be contacting me anymore. I just had to laugh, because it didn’t matter to me, i have been done believing his lies. So today I get a next from him Call me, like nothing. no response, so he texted again that he needed to hear my voice. I feel sory for him, I don’t hate him, because he has a mental disorder, but I have zero desire to hang out with him or even see him. It’s just uncomfortable. We have been divorced since 2015 and he really thinks I can forget that living hell he put me through? Not in this lifetime~ LOL! I remember having to have knee surgery, and he texted me on his way to work that i needed to leave because he needed to be with the person he had been cheating with for 5 years. He said he couldn’t breathe without her, on the day of my surgery. But this is par for course. for narcissist, no empathy and discard when you really need them they can’t feel true and sincere love and I think that’s really sad. But we can do this! We all deserve better, and I have the best support system in family and friends. Thank you Kim for your insight and encouragement. I can truly say I have no temptation to respond and it took me a while to get here, but there’s definitely no turning back now! I am free! I have peace and joy and care about me!

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marga says April 11, 2018

Good luck on your journey. Its been 2 months of no contact for me and it wasn’t easy at the start but it’s gonna get better.

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Mary says March 31, 2018

I was the one after 5 yrs who ended the relationship with the Narcissist and I can tell you it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I still have flashbacks of things he said and did to me. I am grateful we never lived together and that he lives over an hour from me. This relationship changed my life in many ways and I can tell you I am grateful, yes grateful it happened. If it weren’t for the narcissist I would have never understood the many facets of my childhood. It was as though the light bulb finally came on and now I see things so differently. It opened a whole new door for me. I can tell you it was a blessing in disguise. I am truly grateful today for the knowledge and experience I gained and honestly I don’t regret anything. To those of you still in your toxic relationships. I can tell you there is hope for you, and it does get easier, it really does. With time and effort you can heal.

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Nic says March 26, 2018

I was discarded by my narcissistic ex almost a year ago. She is still trying to control me through my children. She took her ex back and now they call him daddy. I’m just biding my time, healing and learning everything I can. She will eventually come unstuck. And I’ll be able to smile serenely when she does.

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Sandi says March 26, 2018

I feel it very important to get away, cease any & all contact, move as far away as possible, make sure he doesn’t know where you live, do alot of soul Searching, talk to people you trust, kerp a journal, love yourself more ; more each day, mine wouldn’t stop for 2 years, I have a daughter with him, he pulled so many stunts to get my address, he would text me non-stop for hours, at first I would fall into his trap of answering, when I became a nervous wreck, I refused to answer anymore, I ignored him completely, took 2 years, but it finally stopped, I don’t see him, talk or text him, he sees my older kids, & tells them how he still wants me back, I left for a reason, actually many reasons, for myself& our 13 year old daughter, he even tried to drag her into this, please learn the signs, make a plan & leave as soon as possible, this isn’t love, it is meantal, emotional abuse..

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Den says March 26, 2018

Thanks so much for your very informative articles about narcs. I was lucky enough to get out of a narc abusive relationship after only six months, though I should have seen the warning signs after the first two months. I am slowly recovering and picking up the broken pieces. I find that eft helps tremendously, – emotional freedom techniques, tapping on acupressure points, has shifted me. thanks all, xxx D

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    Kim Saeed says March 26, 2018

    Hi Den,

    Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, EFT is absolutely a great method for releasing negative emotions and trauma. I’ve actually written about it several times 🙂

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Christina says March 25, 2018

Still with the narsisist trying to get out.

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Barb says March 25, 2018

I am in trouble. I have chronic illness that requires pain medication, and want to just surrender myself to inpatient psychiatric help. I do have p tsd, and therapist thinks narc abuse syndrome, major depression thatmeds don’t help. I spent 12 years maried on and off with a narc, finally divorced 5 years ago. I’m on disability and can’t function at all right now as I’ve been in another relationship for a year with another narc, psychopath, not sure which but as soon as he moved in ev changed. He has physically, emotionally verbally abused me and my mind feels gone! He talked me out of showing up at a protective order hearing, wanting to keep trying but NEVER talk…does all the gaslighting, projection, loud annoyed disrespectful, found still talks to ex, saw on his fb on his phone a friend with a PORN picture! He’s lied, all of it. He finally discarded me and I’m having a breakdown! Haven’t bathed in a week, or left my home except to go get my meds and dr…I’m scared to tell therapist because I live in a place where inpatient psych is horrible! I know they will only focus on pain meds because of the whole opiate thing and I’ll end up in pain and ignored. I have been searching for a inpatient treatment but cannot go without my emotional support dog. I am on Medicare as well and can’t afford to pay. I have no support system but a sister who tells me I have to get it together…I don’t know what to do. I don’t even care if I live or die, and am drinking and hiding…I know I need help, and am willing to go anywhere who’ll let me take my dog and even help me get off all the meds if that has to be…as long as I’m not left to suffer, I have chronic Lyme fibro is and an autoimmune disease not being treated yet. I live in a terrible state for healthcare. I was an Rn for nearly 30yrs….I’m so scared. Really don’t think I’ll live much longer without help and I’m only mid 50s. Have 2 grown son’s married who went through hell the first time, but can’t understand or help. I really need help now

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Pauline Polk says March 25, 2018

I’m at the beginning of leaving. It very over but so hard to let go. There was a friend there that I will miss. I won’t miss the abuse tho. I’m so weak I hate it. I use to be so much stronger. What happen to her and how do I find her again. God, I hate my life right now.

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    Kim Saeed says March 26, 2018

    It’s absolutely hard to let go, Pauline. Hang in there, though. If you can make it through the first 30 days, it starts to get easier because that’s about how long it takes for the biochemical addiction to start fading. The psychological manipulation is a but tougher to overcome, but it can be done. If you haven’t already, feel free to check out my program. It’s helped lots of people like you to begin healing. The Essential Break Free Bootcamp

    Kim XoXo

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Bev says March 25, 2018

I read this and realised that last night when my narc ( he left 2 months ago) sent me a message after my silent treatment towards him for a few hours saying “Please just stay in my life, be there because I need you” that even still he is keeping me in the background. Have still not been able to do the Block #NoContact because of this need to know his whereabouts and to hear how he needs me. He went back to his mother but has since been seeing his ex’s but says he can’t wait to see me. My weakness is wanting to be needed. I attract broken wings, have all my life & learnt now that I am perfect prey for narcs. I want to get over this …. I want to heal and breathe again. Why can’t I just do it

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    Kim Saeed says March 26, 2018

    Hi Bev,

    I believe many of us have felt the way you do. It’s not an easy road to travel and will definitely take some inner work. Have you thought about joining my program? The Essential Break Free Bootcamp? It’s helped many people like yourself to begin healing and taking empowering steps to change their self-defeating habits.

    Kim XoXo

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    Da says March 28, 2018

    Wow, that story matches mine, he said he had to take care of his mom too, he went back to live with his cousins,and he came back then left again. We were supposed to get married. He got mad for me asking any small questions and asking” why” got on his nerves so much that he called the wedding off!

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Shannon says March 25, 2018

I’m proceeding w a divorce . It’s impossibke to maintain “no contact” He doesn’t want a divorce, but wants multiple relationships. The fighting for my freedom is making me broke and wearing . Starting over at 60 seems impossible. I’ll have to pay spousal support and I’ll never retire. It seems maybe easier to be married and just go my own way without the financial burden of lawyers and paying spousal support. He’ll fight till I’m homeless. Dating a narc is different than being married to one.

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Maya Davies says March 24, 2018

Dear Kim,
Thank you for your helpful articles you sent me. Together with personal counselling I have learnt a lot about my relationship with my ex husband. Here in Australia the word narcissism is not widely used or known and most people including professionals look at you with strange eyes when it is mentioned. The same with the word Fibromyalgia, with which I have been diagnosed. They think it is an “American Thing”. It is very frustrating and people are likely to think, you’re a bit “off”.
My last counsellor, describes my ex as a psychopath. Unfortunately he died of a heart attack, so that was the end of my very successful counselling and therapy. (The only one out of five counsellor). So I’m left on my own again. Since I left my marriage in 1996, after 22 years of marriage and divorced in 2001, my ex has been very busy behind the scenes to discredit me and make my life even more of a misery. I have no contact with him, but this is absolutely not protecting me and also other members of my family. He has succeeded to cause my estrangement from my eldest daughter (now 43). And I had difficulties with my other 2 daughters, over the years with accusative and disrespectful treatment. He has left my only son alone. His target has always been females. In the last few years, my eldest daughter appears to want to reconcile with me and I heard from one of my daughters that she has fallen out with her father. Of course, there was a big sigh of relief from my part, but a lot of damage has been done. We only see each other at family gatherings and she has confided in me that she suffers from chronic anxiety, as do I, and I know she has been a victim as much as I. She talks to me about herself a lot. Like her ailments and difficulties with people at her work etc but never about the “triangle” as I call it between her, her father and myself. She has had also difficulties with her sisters and brother, but this seems to be improving since the arrival of my grandchildren ( only her 2 younger sisters have children; she herself never wanted any). My eldest daughter, without her realising, has been a very successful flying monkey to discredit me to my other children and even to my own brothers who live 20.000 km away when she visited my birth country 4 years ago. I had a visit from one brother a year later and I ended up in hospital with a concussion and a hand fracture. He accused me of all these horrible things and said my ex was a good man. I need to emphasise that this brother and his wife have NEVER even met my ex. In the 44 years that I have been in Australia, I have seen this brother twice for a short period of time. Once in 1980 and then 1993 when I came over for my father’s funeral. He does not know me and his 2nd wife even less, and yet they both got stuck into me when they were guests at my house. I left home when I was 18 and he 14. And yet he seemed to know a lot about me and about my marriage. He even went so far as to tell my adult married children that I was “lost and had a mental disorder” and he mentioned Bipolar. The next day I confronted him and I was trying to set boundaries. He didn’t like it and grabbed me by the face and and when I was turning away from him he twisted my neck and pushed me, causing me to fall. My other brother also attempted to bully me once on a FaceTime session we had. As you can see the smear campaign reaches far and wide. I have set strict boundaries with both these brothers. However the issues are still ongoing here in Australia. After my ex fell out with my eldest daughter, he then started on my next daughter but I have been able to tell her my side of the story( the truth, by the way). She is aware of his lies and he knows it so now he’s gone on to my youngest daughter. I have to inform you that my 2 younger daughters had been conceived, one by deception and the other by violence, hence the age gaps. After the birth of my second child, son, I had made up my mind not to have more children, considering the state of our marriage. My ex has been an absent father and in the 5 years between my separation and divorce, he never had any contact at all with the children or paid child support. The 2 younger ones were 12 & 7 years old. It took me 2 years to locate him so that I could divorce him. In those 5 years he was stalking, breaking in and enter, fake phone calls, stealing my mail, sabotaged my car, gas pipes and water pipes, sent the council to my door “stating a “ neighbour” had complained that my property (I was still in the marrital home) was housing “vermin”, and more. I guess you get the picture. I raised my 4 kids by my self without financial or emotional support, or even an extended family. 3 are university graduates and the other one having her own business. So much for me being lost and having bipolar. About me being damaged is probably true, ( but not in the way he thinks) but I had a strong determination to set myself aside and concentrate on the raising of my kids. As you can see, my situation is somewhat different as to the fact I’m not in the relationship and has not been for a long time. My worry is now, that he has taken up with the next target, by youngest daughter. Things have slipped out of the mouth of my 4 year old granddaughter!!! . I have tried to warn my daughter not to leave him alone with the 4year old at any time. ( I live 3 hrs away, but he only 1 hour and appently from slips of the tongue, he come around quite frequently. This sudden interest in our adult kids since the divorce has always baffled me but I know it’s to find new supply. He is now 74 and lost his appeal to women and now he has been trying to get it from his own children and a 4year old GC. He is jealous that I have a lovely relationship with her and things have slipped to me which indicate lies and” keeping a secret”. What am I to do?? I never seem to get any peace.

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Dave Mortell says March 24, 2018

Here is my advise when you feel anger: stop everything you are doing, slowly count to ten, take a deep breath in between each count to ten, and tell yourself that you do not get yourself into situations that result in DV. Tell the person you understand them (even if you do not) and that you are sorry (even if you do feel sorry). Remember you are a good person and will get through it just fine.

Best wishes,
Dave

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Robyn says March 24, 2018

I’m still trapped after being discarded…still craving for the love bomb again…its torture …

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Allison says March 24, 2018

Kim my former world in a nutshell. As you suggested knowledge understanding does give you the upper hand.
With time correct help and belief eventually you do some through.
Once again you can be a valuable member of society. .
Thank you .
For the past reflection and validation

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Paige says March 24, 2018

I have been no comtact with my ex psychopath for one month and seven days, this is the longest that I have continuously done it, I have unblocked him numerous times and every time just makes me feel worse. He has psychically and emotionally abused me for three years I had no idea such evil existed, I feel so much shame and guilt and depression, I have ptsd and can’t get these racing thoughts out of my mind, he projected everything on to me and made me feel as everything was my fault, After reading as much as I can I realize he is just a predator, a wolf in sheeps clothing, studied me so intensely and used everything against me, he will not leave me alone he will show up at my door and when I get in trouble is when my emotions do into overdrive then I have no control and if I open that door it’s done, so I have notes now on the inside of the door to hopefully stop me, I know I have to have him completely out of my life to have a chance of getting threw this, everything says it takes time and self love and no contact I am very determined this time I cannot let myself be treated like this anymore I have lost everything to this person ex specially my self respect, self dignity, my soul and my sanity some days I don’t even think I can go on, with flashbacks and things just popping in my head of what he did to me and horrible things he said almost drives me insaine at times it does but I have to keep telling myself he can not change, I used to foolishly think if I knew how much I really loved him he would change we could work it all out together now I know that was just an illusion thank you so much for your information it does help a lot I constantly read and read about how they operate and everything you wrote is EXACTLY what I have been and I’m going threw so it makes me feel less crazy which helps me make it threw, it is so hard to break that trauma bond it is the biggest addiction of my life but I know that when I do I will be the strongest I have ever been and every min, hour day that I keep away from him makes me stronger!

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    Dave Mortell says March 24, 2018

    Hi Paige, I read your post I wish you all the best. I know if you stay on your path of no contact you will be just fine.

    Best,
    Dave

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    Loree says March 24, 2018

    You are not alone be strong focus on you

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    Pam says March 24, 2018

    “I had no idea such evil existed.” I said that same thing and everything else you said. I’m eight months out and I can tell you that it does get better, but it’s hard work. Strict No Contact is essential and that includes not peeking at social media or having any reminders of him. We were victims of a con man and nothing we could have done would have made a difference. The fault is entirely with them. Remember that. Hang in there!

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Kelsey says March 24, 2018

How do you achieve no-contact when you have children involved? Especially when the court-ordered visitation requires we are both present so that I can handle the physical needs of our disabled child?

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CAROLYN says March 24, 2018

I have to do domestic violence classes. Because of being arrested. Fun! AZ law.

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    Julien says May 28, 2019

    Tell me more about what happened. I went to jail because the night I finally after 28 years of a narc marriage, handed him divorce papers. he ran to my daughters bedroom like a crazy person and I grabbed him before he could get in her room and he screamed, “you hurt me! I’m calling the police!” I am 5 ft 2″ and I weigh 110 pounds. How I could have “hurt” someone twice as big as me? It would have been impossible, but the police took me to jail. That’s what it took to finally see what evil looks like and in a jail cell I was able to see clearly of what I knew was right, get as far away from this person as fast as you can. That one night in a jail cell propelled me into my new life of freedom.

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Kat says March 24, 2018

What took me what seemed like FOREVER, was the ability to finally go fully no contact. I made every excuse in the world for my XN. What clicked and made it all of the sudden a piece of cake was the realization the person I loved, made excuses for, admired, and thought loved me, was a creative allusion the narc had built. My Prince never existed. The longer I went no contact, the more I saw, or really less I should say, the more there was to support that my Prince was nothing more than a storybook character. Coming to this realization made it very easy for me to let go. I want and deserve my real-life true Prince. Now, I have to work on loving ME enough to avoid being trapped ever again!!

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Jim says March 24, 2018

Hallo all–
I have felt sick and a poisoned after a nearly one year long relationship, i which I got engaged (too quickly) and then we were to marry last June. i loved “her” and she started with the triangulating ; mentioning an ex– I told her to get rid of this guy and block him. She got a job and we lived together for 4 months. She wanted to move house really quick– I said lets leave it till after marriage. After a few things happening — I asked her to leave. She did and NEVER tried to discuss the relationship at all–she was cold and unengaged (crude at times) plus she started the icy silent treatments. I tried to meet her on our wedding day – I had flowers delivered etc an she was acting OK but weird–she mentioned the ex yet again (on our bloody wedding day??) I stayed that night. We were intimate but she never seemed any closer after intimacy??
The next day she asked to lend money as she had quit her job in a really irresponsible manner. After about a few days, she said we cant talk anymore as her kids — did not “like it” This woman is a full scale lunatic. She also posed as a born-again Christian—that to me was the lowest thing of all. As we had met on a Christian dating site. She has changed her photos on there and is posing as some sort of Christian. Thats one thing she will have to answer for. The whole thing was crushing and because I have some smarts, I knew something was “wrong” but thats all it was. I could not put a name to it. Its been about nine months. I was going to take the idiot to court to get my money. She has returned the engagement ring. She emailed me in January to say —it could have been wonderful together??? And that she was still “very much” single?? I have found out everything about this mendacious and evil form of existence only since she left. I was guided towards it and it is amazing how few people know anything about this?
This is a learning curve I did not wish to go on. So; feeling not great and have felt sick. A type of poisoning alright!
of one’s heart and soul and body. A while afterwards I got very ill.
So very physically sick–I could not move or get out of bed—it was horrendous! Also the confusion it creates is almost mind altering.
Thanks to these communities for spreading light into this darkness.
Jim

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Leti says March 24, 2018

I can relate about how the media can slow down the recovery from a narcissistic relationship. Reading the negative coments on his (?) still had an impact on my recovery. Thak you for reminding me that I have to stop going to any type of media and making myself upset.
Every day is a battle.
The addiction to a narssist person took over one day and I lost it.
Regarless, of the awful experience I lerned about me. Yes, Me, the most important person in this soap opera. By getting educated about a narcissistic passive aggressive personality has made me understand that I must observe but not absorved. It has taking me three years to acquired just a few tool through your videos, as well as your positive guide pointers, books, sicology sessions etc..
I only know that I only have given very few steps to recovery.

So, please do not stop educating us about learning more about ourselves and how to deal with this ugly Narcissists that already have more traumas than me.

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Jim says February 13, 2018

I’m actually looking for some advice. I am madly in love with a woman who has been in a 20 year marriage with a narcissist. Never any physical abuse but lots of mental and emotional abuse. She truly is an angel and deserves a loving relationship where she feels worthy of love. Is there any advice you can offer with how to take care of her better as well as handle my own emotions when some of the ugly feelings from her marriage crop up in our relationship. I’ve already prepared myself that there will be times that things I say or do remind her of him and I just want to make sure I don’t add to her pain and sad feelings. She is my best friend and we wish to spend the rest of our lives together . Thanks for any help that you can provide.

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    Kim Saeed says February 15, 2018

    Hi Jim,

    It’s kind of hard to offer suggestions without knowing what kind of therapy or healing work she’s done. If she hasn’t been in therapy or hasn’t engaged in any kind of healing program, then it might be very difficult to really help her in any way because she would typically be operating from triggers and trauma. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.

    Kim

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    Kat says March 24, 2018

    First, you say she has been in a 20 yr marriage with a narc… you don’t say that she is still in this relationship or has moved on…. If it is past, the best thing is to give her room, move VERY slowly, and know there will be mood swings and things that may trigger her that have nothing to do with you. The wounds are extremely deep and fester and need time and work to start to heal. It’s hard to trust after narc abuse. If she is still on this relationship, I would not pursue a romantic relationship. This will just make things worse for her. You can be a friend and supportive, but don’t go any further.

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ohiogirl7 says June 11, 2017

Oh, I forget to mention in the message below, that’s me also, that all these disordered people are magnets to empaths, which I also found out about myself. These preditors are out on the prowell for gentle caring people because we over look a lot of bullshit and put up with way too much crap. So if you keep attracting these idiots you could very well be an empath or as I call myself ” A highly sensitive person” and that’s because of all the abuse and crap I put up with growing with an idiot for a father and never learning what a good man really was. This was a dark night of the soul for me, I’m still quivering almost three years later!

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Julia says June 11, 2017

It is very sad to realize the narscist manipulates to get their needs met
I too was giving to get. I thought if I give him what he wants I’ll get what I want . I thought this was compromise . Things did not work out so fair. He was angry abusive and acted like a spoiled brat. I’m glad I am basically pretty independent. With the help of this and other recovery programs I stopped focusing on him and tried to work on myself. I was hoping healthy behavior would rub off on him. I realize my care taking and being responsible was from being the oldest child . I was setting a good example. Things got worse. I gave up on the dream. I hold my own hand now. I was dieing

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    Rebecca says June 12, 2017

    Julia,

    I love that quote “I hold my own hand now!” Powerful and True!!
    Thank you Kim for so much insight and enlightenment ….. it takes some darkness to finally emerge out into the LIGHT!

    Thank you

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    Freida says August 24, 2017

    Thank you for this sharing. I am so sorry for your pain. I feel the exact same. I really thought I would either die of my own neglect of myself in those circumstances or be slowly poisoned by him in some way. (?) So strange to feel love and terror from the same person.

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Suzanne Spiers says June 11, 2017

I have spent the past few years healing and find myself in a completely different and much healthier space.

Recently, a man expressed a wish to get to know me better. I shared that I was open to see if we had enough in common to be friends, but was not open to a romantic connection.

He seemed to be very nice and I enjoyed several conversations that appeared to be regular and appropriate. Some red flags appeared though in the form of his very early invitation to come to visit him at his home which is not near where I live. I expressed that this was perhaps inappropriate since we did not know each other well.

He seemed nice and I simply got on with my everyday life and all seemed normal. However, the most recent red flag was when this man said he would text me when he got home. He had been in the habit of making contact with innocuous and pleasant texts about once each day.

However, the promised text msg did not arrive after two days. I decided that someone who was not prepared to stay true to his word, even if that person is an acquaintance, is not someone who I want in my life. Trust is very important and from past experience, if a person acts in a specific manner that is inappropriate and is not something my other friends do, then that is an indication to me that it is time to let go and leave this person to himself. I have the right to be who I am and should not have to be other than who I am just in order to have someone in my life.

I sent him a final text msg thanking him for some pleasant conversations and reminded him that trust is important and so is keeping one’s word. I have now blocked his msgs and let go. I am happy with my decision because when people act in such ways as to create a form of uncertainty, in the past, I would have put up with such behaviour. No longer! When a person acts in such a manner they are showing you who they are and it only tends to get worse over time. Self-respect is the way to go and supporting my own self, setting boundaries and taking care to protect me.

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Carl says June 10, 2017

So sad that a person I’d known since she was a teenager and considered a dear friend chose me to love bomb, convince me to leave my wife, lose my house and retirement, divorce against my core values, marry her and then go through the hell of 3.5 years of devaluation and finally discard. What kind of a heartless, sick person does this? Oh yeah, a narcissist. I loved her unconditionally, I cherished her. I tried to model Christ’s love to her, forgiving her again and again. And she spun around and left me for her narcissist organization leader, who got her a nice job that provides her supply. I am 63 years old, broke and broken by someone who was my soulmate, best friend and forever friend. Unbelievable. Oh, that’s what that other narcissist says.

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    Anonymous says July 21, 2017

    I left my husband for a man that love bombed me…he manipulated his way into my business and none of my employees liked or rewpected him. I loved and cherished him and still struggle with wishing our relationship would go back to when I thought he first truly loved me…..after a lot of research and self discovery, realized he is a narcissist. He is in the “take a break” stage, actuallly this is the forth take a break and I am working on strengthening myself to NO CONTACT. The addiction is so strong.

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    Traci says December 12, 2017

    Im sorry to hear all of these stories, but yours is my word for word, except im the female and he is the narcissist. It’s truly sick and sad. I’m 40 starting over after 3.5 years with him. I found that finding someone who specializes in this type of abuse is the key. I went to 3 different counselors and they all tried to tell me I was bipolar. It was terrible. I wasn’t bipolar before him. Come to find out I had CPTSD. It took me almost a year and I’m finally making progress. My prayers are with you all.

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Mandy Carroll says June 10, 2017

I left the narc/sociopath and returned twice. I was out this third time and still am out. I had contact by phone, the,t and would see him maybe twice a week. I feel odd..at first because the abuse started right away, I wanted to prove to him and family I was not this horrible person. From then on it was battles upon battles and I never gave him a break. I thought..why I stayed that I could help him because he showed signs of change..ha ha. So after calling him on his many abuses..perhaps I woke up I ended it. He did not want that. It has been 52 days of silence. I had some desire to see him squirm. Perhaps me fighting him so strongly made this easier.
I come from extreme abuse and an abusive marriage and my sons are abusive. Anyway, I am so done with that life..so done. Every moment of every day I smile and amazing things have happened to me..profound. I am seeing me..
I am done..but they say the abuser is never done.

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    Suzanne Spiers says June 11, 2017

    The n will do what he or she will do and we have no control over what they do. The only person over whom we have control is our own self. I know in my own case,all the wounded parts of me were the ones that were vulnerable. I have spent the past 4.5 years working with my kinesiologist to heal inner wounds and beliefs and now feel as if I am an entirely different and much-healed person.

    I know that in my last relationship, as I healed, I found that as I learned to value myself better, I stopped doing things that seemed to be normal such as picking up my ex-b from the train after work. He would simply get into the car and take for granted that I would pick him up and never gave a word of thanks, not paid for petrol and when he got into the car, he would put his earphones in his ear and concentrate on listening to his iPod.

    I got sick of this and other behaviours and the more I learned to do self-care and set boundaries, there came a time when I simply got bored of his drama and had no interest in being with someone who brought drama into my life along with a lot of other behaviours that were not serving me well.

    I terminated the relationship and took out a VRO that has been in place for the past two years. He suddenly turned up on my doorstep last November and I was able to look at this person and in three sentences, tell him why he had to go. I then shut the door and went about my day. I have not seen him since and am probably not likely to do so. I am pretty sure he has new supply somewhere.

    These days, I get what I need in appropriate ways and also am able to better meet my own needs and make sure that I create lots of lovely things to do for myself.

    I am sure that as you heal too, you will be able to feel stronger and set better boundaries and will also be able to keep this person out of your life. The more we nourish ourselves, the less we will look to toxic people to meet our needs with all their strings that are attached to what they give or choose not to give.

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Tina says June 10, 2017

This is a great article!

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mary says June 10, 2017

I always enjoy your posts. The facts re that we are all mean to give and receive love because we are made in the image of god what is love.

I grew up in an alcoholic home with an emotionally shut down dad. I was always looking for love which is natural. I did not know how love starved I was and that it is ok to love yourself. I did not get the love and nurturing I needed.

This must have been obvious to the men I dated nd my sick, narcissistic x husband. I have been so betrayed and no I am afraid to love because I am still not healed.

Your posts always speak the truth and help a lot of people and they are good reminders of what to look out for in the future if someone is looking to get I to another relationship.

Also, we do need to know our emotional triggers and needs. And to know no o. Person can meet all of our needs.

Thank you for your postings. Peace to you always.

Mary
,

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    Kim Saeed says June 11, 2017

    Hi Mary,

    I’m glad to know my article resonated with you. I wish you all the very best in your healing journey.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
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