when a narcissist knows you are onto them

10 Things to Expect When a Narcissist Knows You Are Onto Them

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Wondering what to expect when a narcissist knows you are onto them?  Maybe you’re thinking of outing them to the people they know?

What could be more vindicating than letting the narcissist know you’ve figured them out? That you’re onto their game and you’re not going to take it anymore?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here’s a little secret: it’s NOT going to go down the way you want it to.

When the narcissist knows you know, they exude manipulative behaviors. The narcissist isn’t going to cower in shame or finally see the light of reason. They’ll never allow you to have closure because their entire personality relies on having the upper hand in every interaction.

When a narcissist knows you are onto them, things go from bad to hell before you can even process what’s happening – but that’s exactly the narcissist’s strategy.

What Happens When a Narcissist Knows You Are onto Them?

If you’re committed to exposing a narcissist, please read the list below before following through. In many cases, exposing a narcissist can backfire and make things much worse for you.

Does this mean you should put up with their abuse? Absolutely not.

However, you should weigh the pros and cons of letting them know you’ve figured them out.

Narcissists define the word “reactionary.” When a narcissist knows you’re onto them, they dial all their worst toxic and abusive qualities up to 10 and go full self-destruct Samson mode.

Plan your exit strategy first and then decide if it’s worth it because narcissistic rage like you’ve never experienced is coming.

1 – Gaslighting

The narcissist’s specialty: gaslighting.  As you start to expose the narcissist, they’ll do everything they can to convince you that you’re wrong.

“You’re remembering things incorrectly. That’s not what happened. You’re crazy!”

Gaslighting is their specialty as the first line of defense. It’s much easier to use lies and manipulation to convince you that you’re wrong instead of actually owning up to their abusive behavior.

2 – Baiting

Narcissists rely on something called trauma bonding to keep you hooked. When a narcissist knows you’re onto them, they’ll immediately bait you into a fight with extreme insults on your character.

The goal is to get a rise out of you. To a narcissist, screaming, yelling, and crying are all signs that you still care about them.

Don’t fall for it. The best thing you can do is remain emotionless.

3 – Fear and Manipulation

Keep in mind that the narcissist has spent months or years breaking down your very identity. They know more about you than you know about yourself.

 “You’ll never find someone like me and you’ll die alone.”

“How can you do this after everything I’ve done for you?”

As you expose them, they’ll turn to your deepest fears, flaws, and guilt to break you down and manipulate you into capitulation.

heal from abuse4 – Projection

You fool! Can’t you see? They’re not the narcissist, you are! (Or so they’ll try to convince you.)

Brace yourself because the narcissist is going to project all their abusive qualities, insecurities, and flaws onto you.

The narcissist knows that you’re not like them. You experience normal emotions like guilt and compassion – they don’t. They’ll project their abuse onto you because they assume you’ll accept it and apologize.

5 – Leveling

How can you call the narcissist a bad person when you, too, have done some terrible things?

Who are you to evaluate the narcissist’s abusive behavior? You’re not a psychologist. What gives you the right?

When a narcissist knows you’re onto them, they’ll resort to something called leveling to bring you down to their level.

They’ll attack your integrity and your past shortcomings to make their abuse seem normal and make you think you have no ground to stand on.

6 – Devaluation

Narcissists always turn to devaluation during the relationship but when the narcissist knows you’ve figured them out, the gloves come off.

Expect to have every slur and insult in the book hurled at you with hate bombing. Even if the narcissist wasn’t physically abusive previously, now might be the time the physical violence comes out.

Yes, it could get that bad.

7 – Victimization

If you haven’t noticed yet, the narcissist is always the victim.

If you attempt to expose them, they’ll attack you for bringing up all their flaws after they had “the worst day” at work. They’ll blame their abusive behavior on a previous relationship or sob story about their upbringing (which probably isn’t even true).

Even if you think the situation is a clear-cut case of the narcissist hurting you and doing something wrong, they will miraculously wriggle into the position of a victim.

8 – Blackmailing

Get ready to experience a level of vindictiveness like you could never imagine – especially if you expose the narcissist and refuse to cave after their initial outburst.

Narcissists are absolutely not above making you homeless, cleaning out your bank account, publicly posting your intimate photos, intentionally crashing your car, or withholding access to your own children to get what they want from you.

In fact, those are their specialties.

9 – Smearing Your Character

If you go public with exposing the narcissist to gain the upper hand, get prepared for massive damage control because the narcissist is an expert at destroying your name.

They’ll tell blatant lies about you to all your friends and even your family. If they see a therapist (usually as a formality, for validation, or to “prove” something to you), they’ll do nothing but talk smack about you.

These extreme reactions (like smearing and blackmailing) are why you should rethink your idea to expose the narcissist.

10 – Discarding

Then again, when a narcissist knows you’re onto them, they may decide that you’re not worth the effort anymore.

They’ll simply discard you as you expose them, spread lies about you, and find a new supply.

What to Do When a Narcissist Knows You Are Onto Them

When a narcissist realizes you are done, they’ll gaslight you every chance they get in their effort to pull you back over to the dark side. Don’t let them.  They might threaten to hurt themselves to get back at you; there’s no telling what will happen because of their sheer lack of empathy and remorse.

It’s highly recommended to seek help as soon as possible–it could save your sanity.  You must stay clear-headed and calm because they’ll use every trick in the book to make you believe that you’re wrong and try to get a reaction out of you.

Now is the time to cling to your support system for dear life because you’ll need them as the narcissist implodes.

When the narcissist knows you’ve figured them out, that’s your cue to leave and never look back. Going No Contact at this point is critical because the elevated level of abuse isn’t going to subside.

Is exposing the narcissist worth it?

Consider this: they’ll never allow you to have closure so get that idea out of your head. Exposing them or letting them know you’re onto them accomplishes nothing except providing the narcissist with an opportunity to rope you back in with an emotional fight.

Unfortunately, that’s the best-case scenario. In the worst case, they can turn violent and extremely vindictive. That’s why it’s typically not worth the short rush of calling out the narcissist.

How does the narcissist react when they realize you no longer care?

When they realize you no longer care, the narcissist will turn your family and friends against you, especially if they realize that the relationship is coming apart.  It’s essential for those in this type of situation, where leaving would be difficult due to the narcissist having an emotional hold over them, to take steps towards getting help before things get worse – either by seeking professional advice or just talking through what needs addressing with someone who can give honest feedback without being emotionally invested in one way or another.

What happens when a narcissist is exposed?

Exposing a narcissist can have dramatic, even dangerous, effects.  Aside from this, narcissists have an almost supernatural ability to respond to your stories in a way that makes you look like the unstable one.  This is especially true when attempting to warn the new supply about who the narcissist truly is.  While this may turn out okay in rare instances, it usually backfires in such a devastating way that it takes months or years to recover from it.


Imagine how powerful it would be to know how to handle the narcissist and stand impervious against their appalling behavior.

Can you imagine what it would feel like to reclaim your life?

This is the outcome that I love helping people accomplish…to be free to have joyful and nourishing lives without being confused and crippled by the narcissist’s games.

Is Your Relationship or Marriage Worth Saving?

One of my greatest passions is helping previously victimized people become empowered. If you’re drowning in feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing because of your relationship, the Break Free newsletter can offer insights into what is happening and what you can do.

Join the Break Free Newsletter and learn:

  1. ✅Is your relationship emotionally dangerous?
  2. ✅Why narcissistic abuse is so damaging.
  3. ✅ The truth about staying with them because you feel sorry for their childhood experiences

+ so much more!

Click here to learn more and to join.

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Leave a Comment:

Timothy O'Brien says July 31, 2023

Well I already exposed my narcissist girlfriend fiance if you will and it has rendered me homeless does the support help with say legal conflicts such as catching charges because they lie they say you hit them or you have in the past and that’s some serious things to happen I just hope and pray that I can stay away because it got so bad last night I had to just walk I mean run away and it did she got physically abusive by pushing and throwing things at me I want to get something out there on my side just don’t know what to do but it will only get worse as I’ve come to learn thanks for the ear and God bless you all of you signed Timothy O’Brien

Raven says April 1, 2023

Knowing they don’t care makes me feel like it’s a waste to confront them, so I say treat them the same secretly and from a distance and don’t communicate to them, speak in general if have too only don’t share nothing about yourself and keep a low profile but stay aware and keep moving forward.

Anonymous says January 17, 2023

I let my narc know that I knew about his malicious intentions in emotionally abusing me and I wound up with anger in myself for how cold he was. It was not worth it. I am financially dependent on him and am working on developing my own income and healing, the best I can by God’s grace, so I can finally leave.

Lincoln says November 5, 2022

Oh Kim.
Once again, you have hit the nail on the head with EVERY point made here.
Thank you for convincing me that it was never “me”.
As you are aware, you do not know exactly what is going on when in a narcissist relationship until you get OUT of it.
Once again, thank you Kim.

Evelyn says August 1, 2022

For 28 years I was in a narcissist relationship , I’m in a process of a divorce and he is still trying to do manipulate me. Does this ever end ? I’m afraid he may end up killing me , or having me killed. He’s a police officer , and he thinks he’s above the law. I feel I have no one to talk too. I can’t afford a therapist.

Laurie says February 10, 2022

How does one tell a narc they are exposed. We are not interested in making an ugly scene with it. We just want her to know we are aware of what she has been doing.

    Shannon Wilkins says July 31, 2022

    You don’t tell them you know. You just do everything in your power to maintain yourself in a calm manner. If you tell them, they deny and make you look like the crazy one. If you have an exit strategy, do not mention. Go along with your business as if everything is normal. These are not normal people so do not let on that you know. If you live with them and are planning to leave and you have yourself situated you will be fine.

Forgotten says December 19, 2021

I’ve been trying to get out for over 2 years, I’ve lost everything and everyone I have nothing because of him

    Shannon Wilkins says July 31, 2022

    You can slowly rebuild yourself. It may take time but you can do it. Don’t give in to any of their bs cause it just gives them supply good or bad. Use the gray rock method if necessary. It will be difficult but worth the effort. Just know they will never change. Get yourself in a good spot and make your exit.

    Jas says February 12, 2023

    It took me an year to make a plan and leave with my children. Best thing I did! For myself and my two children. Wasn’t easy at the start, but now, I’m greatful I had the courage

john smith says December 6, 2021

meh not going to lie when I was able to download my wife and her affair partners communications were talking about 67,000 text and like 6600minutes of phone calls and thats just from the one app i was able to pull from… i 100% exposed her to everyone in her family everyone in the affair partners family and all her coworkers WHOOPS it finally GOT her to discard me for GOOD it was the best thing I had ever done because as much as i was challenging her on her bullshit she was still talking to and seeing some other little DIq fuq and had no intentions of stopping and i was so trauma bonded I would have prolly allowed it yea pathetic i know but divorce is filed and good ridden

Tanya says December 5, 2021

My mother uses the “I know you better…” all the time. She publicly proclaims that I don’t care about her or how she’s doing. I have finally found the strength to keep my cool and ignore her baiting. It’s not always easy but I realized I felt better when I bit my tongue then engaging her.

Debbie says December 3, 2021

I’m divorcing my narcissist and I’m holding on day by day I’m scared all the time but I know I’ll finally be free when it’s done

    KAPZ says January 8, 2022

    You are free, right now! C’mon Debbie you have came so far and bye what you say the divorce is in the very near future. Stay focused. Your not staying in the same house, enjoy your own life now. Don’t waste anymore of your precious time giving him another thought.
    Give your doctor an update on what’s happening, with the divorce and with you feeling scared.
    Therapy/counselling ( find a therapist that knows about Narcissism behaviour and Narcissist abuse ) as the aftermath of being in a relationship with a Narcissist person takes time and work on yourself.
    Try spending time on making yourself happy.
    Love yourself first ?

louisemcguinn says December 3, 2021

I have already told my narcissist ex I was onto him and you are right it hasn’t been good. I told him3 months ago and it has been hell. He has even went as far as calling me the narcissist and calling me names on Facebook and Quora. And he has so many different Facebook accounts I have blocked 100s of them where he sees what I am constantly doing or saying anything about him. I don’t comment on anything he says. The 1st time he gaslighted me I thought I was going to loose my mind the way he did me on Facebook the trama was bad. So I decided that I was going to call him out the 2nd time I got back with him and we had another blow out on Facebook and some people on Quora were on Facebook and they seen it. They were helping me. They seen what he did. The 2nd experience with him gaslighting me and I confronted him it is just hell all over again. I will never give him the satisfaction of being in his life again. To put me through this again. He has been with so many women. And he has used his flying monkeys to attack me also. And I have had to call them out.

Tuire Ketola says December 3, 2021

So true. You cant “win” in a game they set up.

They try to get the reaction by acting like kids and i think its a huge waste of energy trying to make them see the pointless bullying.

I just need to take care of myself and find the constructive way to behave.

Police, attorney, social workers, people i know, they say,

Stay away. Dont post things to social media.


I leave them to have a nice fight with themselves.

And true, after exposing them, things got… Interesting…

Person who has been (gang) stalking me, is now outraged.

This one is a true life follower and moves “with me”.

I used to be his boost and he just sucks the energy of me with the nonsense.

He is so full of revenge i can feel it…

He transfers his personal war into a guerrilla war and people are like puppets.

They have the bodylanguage, and eyes you once look into, and you are doomed.

Im not their oxygen. I pull myself out.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Thank you so much, your articles are precious.

Heather says December 2, 2021

I escaped, hope he is happy with his new supply and leaves me alone.

Anonymous says December 2, 2021

I escaped, hope he is happy with his new supply and leaves me alone.

Better now says December 2, 2021

Omg my narc crashed a car that was rented in my name! Thanks for this clarity… makes me think of all the other vindictive and damaging things he did by ‘accident’ and helps to put the pieces together

Nishi says December 2, 2021

How do I leave a narcissist with a disabled child on my hands. And I rely on him financially. I am so so desperate. Please help

    CC Blu says March 28, 2022

    I know this will feel impossible the whole time. This is what worked for me. From experience:
    Robot your life. Don’t tell ANYONE anything. Don’t write it in a journal. Fake your way through the day until the MINUTE you walk out the door. This may save your life.
    While doing this, save money. Actual cash in a spot your narc will never look. Save with every transaction. Even a penny at a time. You will need gas money or bus fare somewhere far away. First last and deposit on a place. If you can hold out long enough save an extra couple months rent.
    Pack your important papers, prescriptions, changes of clothes in a jump bag. Hide it where it will never be found.
    When you know where you want to go and have enough saved, wait. I mean this. Wait until you know the narc will not be back for 4+ hours. Then Wait until they have been gone 1 hour. Then grab your jump bag, and run. Do not look back. Never contact your narc again. Throw away your cell. Get a burner. You are in witness protection. The old you no longer exists.
    Apply for public assistance. It feels impossible and terrifying. However, that first feeling of joy after you have left will prove you made the right decision.
    Good luck.

Tracey Semsch says November 28, 2021

I’m in a relationship with a narcissist and planning my escape.

    Kim Saeed says December 1, 2021

    That’s very brave. Sending wishes for strength and endurance.

    Kim Xo

Stay Strong says October 30, 2021

I called him out on this and all hell broke lose. No one talks about this, but I will. Keep a journal. Write the date down and describe what happen. When I confronted him and he said “where is your proof?” I told him I keep a journal and if I really want to look back in it, I could. He was so angry. I also said “Don’t go looking for it. I don’t keep it here.” You find the best place. The house will be turned upside down. No one is going to tell me it really didn’t happen. Good luck to all who have to put up with this problem in their lives. I didn’t see any of it when we dated for a long time!

Karen says October 16, 2021

Dear me I think I understand then I read this and still can’t get my head around how mixed up narcs are. One question I ask myself is why do they not appreciate anything you do for them? In my case at Christmas I would give my son and partner a little hamper collected all year round things our son liked and her. Our daughter visited them took the hamper to them and all our sons partner did was criticize the whole lot. So many things I knew they liked. Our daughter was so angry . To me if they didn’t like it give the food back or donate to a food bank. Lovely cakes and drinks jams all sorts. I spent hours looking in shop windows to by the perfect gift and before hand finding out what gift would suit her. I once bought a beautiful embroidered stool she said she loved it then weeks later painted it black. She stated that as a child she never liked her toys so went to her best friend because she always had better. I stated when she was trying for a baby that it is fun to teach a child to ride a bike. The said person can’t ride a bike so I said it would be nice to learn together the answer no child will ride a bike before me in such an angry tone! I am still trying to get my head around so many things I saw and witnessed about her. Our son was never like her and brought up so different I still miss our son we love him but after meeting her he changed anger and mood swings he just defends her. He was always grateful and so happy but we just don’t know him anymore it breaks my heart.

    Marie says December 2, 2021

    I’m so sorry to hear your story. I too lost my son (my only child) and both my grandsons (whom I raised after she left them) to a hideous narcissist ex-DIL. Even after their divorce she continued to stalk him and me nonstop. She ultimately wore down his resolve to stay no contact because of the kids (she kept just enough “visitation” time to avoid paying child support) so she was able to keep at him with the relentless gaslighting and abuse till he literally turned into someone completely different. They went no contact with me in 2016 and my heart will never recover.

ALA says September 4, 2021

Thank you so much! I recognize each and every character flaw & poor behavioural trait. It is maddening & sickening.
I can’t begin to tell you all how many times I have been through this—employers, lovers, acquaintances! I am taking this straight to my therapist as reference to help me get out from under the current situation I find myself in! I want to come out the other side feeling like a victor while making him feel petty!!!

Anonymous says August 8, 2021

To fully break away from the narcissists, one must break away from them completely and do their own inner healing. Once the inner healing takes place and self-actualization is reached, not even a narcissist can get to you anymore. You’ve done your inner healing work and don’t need their abuse anymore.

Josh Mergenthaler says August 5, 2021

Thank you for this

Anonymous says August 3, 2021

My sister is a complete narcissist or what I have “diagnosed” her to have probably to include borderline personality disorder or bi-polar. Everything in this article, I am already fully aware of bc she has done every single one of them even the discarded. It’s true, it will never stop…this has been my entire life with her.

    Marie says December 2, 2021

    Please don’t make the cruel and totally erroneous mistake of lumping Bipolar Disorder (a biologically based disease) with Borderline Personality Disorder and NPD. These are not even in the same category of mental disorders and it’s hurtful and insulting to those who actually suffer with and work hard to manage their Bipolar Disorder that can be treated successfully with medication and therapy, unlike the personality disorders like BPD and NPD.

Cory says July 23, 2021

This is the best article I have read on the topic this far and have read a great deal about it. Thank you.

    Kim Saeed says September 8, 2021

    Thank you, Cory! 🙂


Diane says July 17, 2021

Don’t let a narc steal your joy!!
Run away. As fast as you can!!
They are the ones that have lost their mines with all of their abuse. I put up with it. I finally got out!! Yay!! Still plenty of good years ahead instead of good moments. I freed myself with Kim’s help. We all can do it.

Sharon says July 14, 2021

Thank you so much! God Bless

Daniel Hoffmann says July 1, 2021

Was with a narc for sixteen years. Raised one of her already 3 boys and have two kids of our own together. I always knew something was off with her but could never put my finger on it cause I never even heard about narcissem until a few years ago. I have 16 years worth of some fantastic examples of what these type of women do and just how evil and twisted these individuals can be and are. I will share all details at a later date for educational purposes but until then I’m still being dragged into court every month by this demon in a queens body so the best is yet to come. Wish me luck

    Iorfa says April 13, 2023

    Good luck to you.

Carol says April 6, 2021

I mean to use an ill woman 32 and a baby seven months sorry I am just amazed unbelievable what sick minds these sick evil individuals will do for revenge. Revenge because I have the start of dementia and was a very ill and am ill. All about feeling sorry for them. Need a soak in a bath my call help line because my stress level is not good. Our son just wants an easy life and is not facing up to what is going on.

Carol says April 6, 2021

Livid . Our daughter is 12 hours away from a heart op to save her life. Guess what this narc has been playing games knowing this, She has taken her nephew away from our daughter but has been blocking and unblocking photos of him just out of the blue three days before her op. Not only upsetting all of us but using her son for the pleasure of hurting someone with a huge heart defect. How sick evil can one get. And get this her brother our son has been on messaging service all day and hasn’t even contacted his sister. I am ill trying to keep calm but I honestly cannot even tell you what I think about this monster its not printable. I may need help my self I have hashimotos immune they know this as well and it makes me ill when I flare up with anger. Sick sick pigs.

Cindy says April 1, 2021

I feel everyone’s pain. I’m an Empath so I was fooled for so long I’m a mental mess. Knowing I married a malignant Narcissist has devastated me. I feel like I stayed too long & have lost everything & everyone. Think about suicide daily & usually off & on all day long. I’m on medication but feel it doesn’t work. I feel like he constantly stays on me over nothing to the point I have no peace & it keeps my depression medication & anxiety medication from helping. I stay in fight or flight ! I did leave for 2 yrs. but never felt better. Was constantly looking over my shoulder & wondering what he was up to. Don’t have any access to any money to fight him in court & too fearful that I couldn’t handle it anyway. Have had 2 mental breakdowns & I feel like I would be better off & so would everyone else if I just gave up & went home. I know I’m horribly damaged at best & have finally lost all hope for any happiness & peace! I never had anyone take away my peace before. He too everything worth living for when I lost my peace! I lost my Mother last yr. I feel like I lost the only person I really believed loved me & that I could trust. I wish God took me with her. I feel like the biggest fool on Earth for not realizing the person he really was. I’ve lost the person I used to be & hate the person I have become. I don’t even look in the mirror anymore. I don’t even recognize myself anymore!

    Bogoosha says November 5, 2022

    I am so sorry, Cindy. How are you now? I hope you survived this awful trauma. Be good to yourself, you are a sensitive, worthy person!

    Bogoosha says November 5, 2022

    Take care of yourself, I hope this comment finds you in good health, it’s been over a year since you shared your thoughts, I am worried if you are well.

Mirjam says March 28, 2021

Whatever you do, they will coninue until they sound a new victim. And even then ….

Evaluate your own value!
And stay with it.

In want minimum sign of narcistic feeling , quit that friendship! You are right.

CUT that friendship! In want way! But do not explain het! Vincent, no time, tired’, studies, travelling, Tamina care or cooking for sick friends, anything What is outdoor their controle! Even the slijters respons will bring you back in their Spider web.

Good luck. Be impolite in a polite lying way. The only wat.
Hoop lick.

Shannon says March 27, 2021

I have soon be ex husband & both my sons. He’s keeping me from seeing my grandson. Deep pain

    Carol says April 6, 2021

    So sorry. Yes we have the same using our grandson its there emotional revenge bullet. So sorry Shannon their minds are twisted rotten to the core. Bordering on psychopaths’.

Magdalene Ananda says March 27, 2021

I am grateful for the above information which is helpful in my healing process.
You are doing a great job be blessed always Amen.

Denise S says March 26, 2021

This sounds just like my narcissist. In fact we had a fight last night, I called him out and he did just what was mentioned in the article. He blackmailed me, insulted me, threatened to smash my face to the ground and said he hated my family. I want out so badly, but he has control of the finances, will not let me get or keep a job and I have to have a receipt for EVERYTHING I purchase with the money he gives me. Almost everything in the house is mine from before we were married, and he is threatening to not ever let me have it. He brings me to the point of wanting him dead…he rises my blood pressure, gives me stomach aches and I lose my train of thought so many times during the day. I don’t know what to do.

Michelle Graham says March 26, 2021

Everytime I read your e-mails it’s like I’m reading about my life don’t know where to begin..to change things. I’m scared but need to stand up or I’m not going to make it. Thank u

Anonymous says March 25, 2021

2. Baiting. My ex-narc would try stirring up crap and pick fights about anything. I vividly remember one time he picked apart my apartment (he hated it because it was nicer than his), the meal I prepared for him (prawns sauteed in butter, olive oil and garlic served over linguini, his favorite meal) and despised the music playing (1930s jazz we both enjoyed). Hearing this after a long day at work, and made these efforts to please both of us, pushed me over the edge. I calmly looked at him and said, “You are not tied to that chair. No one is holding a gun to your head and the front door is unlocked. You are free to leave at any time.”

OMG! The next few minutes consisted of him screaming every horrible thing he could hurl at me. I stayed calm, picked up my phone, walked to the front door, opened it and told him to leave or I would call the police. He smashed the dinner plate on the floor as he stormed out calling be a b*tch. I was actually surprised I could remain so calm in the face of that. I may have lost a dinner plate but I finally saw him for who he was and ended it.

Anonymous says March 25, 2021

When I exposed him, he just discarded me.
I have been no contact for 2 months, it hurts because I still love him but I know not being with him is the right move for me. I am very thankful he doesn’t try to get in touch with me either. hoping it stays that way and he doesn’t try the hoovering part. I think we have both moved on and if I am lucky, I will never hear from him again.

Tami says March 23, 2021

What if you work with a narcissist? One you can’t just ignore or stop communicating with the narcissist? I’m in that situation.

    Kim Saeed says March 29, 2021

    Hi Tami,

    That’s definitely a tough situation to be in. Personally, I always looked for other employment when I found myself working with narcissists, whether they were co-workers or bosses. It’s not the easiest route, but it worked for me.


    Nina says July 14, 2021

    Tami, read “Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door” by Dr. Martha Stout. It gives tips on how to deal with these people in work settings.

    Marie says December 2, 2021

    It happened to me. Ten years with my firm, one month away from partnership and the narcissistic supervisor ended up getting me fired. Plus blackballed in the industry so I couldn’t get another job within 100 miles. It was horrible and humiliating, to say the least. You will always end up being fired in a situation where a narcissist is working against you in your job. Start looking in earnest for something else and get out before that happens. I waited too long, unfortunately, believing that my solid reputation would save me. It did not.

Me Myself says March 21, 2021

I married a narcassist not knowing he was for a whole year after. at first I had not idea I was being abused. when I figured out the personality disorder and told him he just made sure to say, “and don’t give me that narcassist bull, I’m not.” we have a family together and I make sure to avoid fighting. but I have figured out that the more more and I do to show him his flaws indirectly, the better everything gets. I swear that this man truely loves his family and want to be better. bc things keep getting better. we are now to where jokingly tell eachother about the others ridiculous personality flaws and how we both have learned to deal. I am bipolar and take meds for it and I can honestly say my bipolar self and my narcassist husband make each other better more and more as we experience more and more life together. it was pretty rough at first but we both stayed true to “your the only one for me.” I guess my reason for this novel is everyone is different and sometimes 2 people’s disorders just go great together lmao. it’s not always hopeless. my narcassist decided to take my diagnosis and accept it in order to move forward with making himself better. people are amazing when they want to be. stay positive but also be safe 🙂

Susan says March 4, 2021

Look up “reactionary”.

MJ says February 20, 2021

What do you when your teenage son is the narcissist and even his therapist thinks he’s such a good kid???

Dogood says February 4, 2021

I think we may all have some narcissist traits. I know I did. Still do at times. Seems that they know every button to push. I’ve been tested, walked on, gaslighting.. mostly from what I understand it’s my sister and my husband that created this but it’s spread to so many people that I’m lost. My children (adults) never disrespect their father but have few problems when it comes to me. My 3 child is my strength. My second child I catch in five, just as his father and my sister..where it began and ends is even more confusing. I think it was the husband and my sister and they continue to’work’ on the children. It’s disgusting!!! I’m scared for the third adult child and myself. I honestly think my sister wants my identity or something…she’s always been envious of my personality. But has little to no contact with me since I have been in a wheelchair (2 years) I do think her and my husband talk or text; some form of communication. Thank you for listening…yes I’m still with him. I can’t afford to live on my own. No family to turn to. I have no way out. I’m trying one last thing. Selling and leave and not look back.

Diane Finch says January 16, 2021

This is very good information,my ex-husband fits the profile of a narcissist I am very happy to be away from him.He was very vindictive but i won every battle because he could no longer intimate me anymore

anonymous says January 10, 2021

Kim – I have been married almost 30 years… with him, for about 33yrs. I have experienced all that you write about. Covert-narc. He appears humble and caring with everyone else in the world, but behind closed doors he says the cruelest things. Lies. The lies never end. The verbal abuse…the crazy-making is off the charts… I want to leave. Now, we have moved to another city, within 3 years. I am completely isolated. I have no friends, no job, no family and literally know no one in this new town… He has his job. I have a car and a couple credit cards in my name, but no savings to live off of. I live on the other side of the country from family. While a few of them are supportive of me, they are not in a position to have me live with them or even “couch surf” with them. I gave up so many friends because of HIM… I am feeling so hopeless… I feel defeated.

Girl says September 15, 2020

I cried when I read this…its so accurate

J says August 13, 2020

Correction…my narc.. Is beyond The real reason why you can’t seem to move forward is because he still constantly hacks me.
How to finally stop sabotaging yourself. Get the restraining order. Forensics…
How to start becoming emotionally independent . do all this shit write your book gain your justice and independence

becky says July 24, 2020

i have been putting off telling my husband I am moving out.evdn though I already started making plans and even do I d an apartment! I have several -reasons- why I haven’t told him yet. so I don’t get talked out of it
to avoid a blow out fight
I don’t want to hurt him
and I don’t want this to HAVE to happen, even though I KNOW it is what’s best
because saying it makes it real
because I still want yhe future we have talked about for 30 years…yes 30..i have been with him since I was 17. never lived on my own..
2 kids and 2 grandkids later and this???? I cry all the time

    Michnative says June 20, 2021

    Ok, I’ve been through this, so listen up! What you are leaving is a known. Where you are heading is the unknown. There’s the fear.
    Once I divorced my narc, and had no drama, it was like the sun came out after being dark and stormy for months on end. There was peace and quiet, there was calm.
    Adjust your thinking…put on your shoes and rock and roll. You can do this-!!!!

Patricia L Kronquist says July 23, 2020

I called the cops on him every time he beat me up or raped me. He clued himself out. Now im trying to help my adult children get through. He’s found fresh meat and leaves me alone. She has a lawsuit pending so I’m sure that’s why he’s with her. Im over him, but he treats the kids like crap. That really bothers me. Im still collecting child support. I checked with my pastor and he says that’s ok. So im good. Glad to be away.

Rylynn J Tallwhiteman says July 22, 2020

I have never been So ready to move on with the rest of my life an heal the best I can I’m choosing to no longer be a victim of my ex narcissistic I gave this man way to much of my self my life my everything… I have two children with this narcissistic man who I thought I loved an he loved me back but ha what a joke, after 12 years with him an no change for the better just for the worse I’m over it and him.. thanks be to God for the strength I have.. I honestly left an took our kids an moved 200 miles away, in January about 2 1/2 months in after absolutely no contact I accepted his call an we all know how that goes it ended worse than I could have imagined… An now I am so ready to learn how to have healthy relationship in my life so I can show our children the difference….. Due to people like Kim I’m able to keep moving forward thank you….

Sherrys Phone says July 22, 2020

Exactly what my ex did to me. Had me running for my life. I fought with everything I had. I won in court over and over. She was is relentless. I ran out of money and then lost 1 hearing. The monster has my baby and I haven’t seen her in 3 years. How do I not go back for more abuse? The monster has my baby!!!

RC says July 22, 2020

But what to do when he is sabotaging the whole divorce process taking no responsibility (ofcourse) and twisting things up?

Anonymous says July 22, 2020

I don’t think letting a narc know you’re on to them would ever be worth it. I’m lucky to be 4 months no contact after many failed attempts. Mine was incredibly arrogant and while I get hoovered, I keep ignoring. I don’t miss any of the drama and am more than happy to be out of it.

Anonymous says July 18, 2020

Well said!!

JD says July 16, 2020

I DID EXPOSE my narc husband. Someone sent me screenshots of my narc husband and him sexting some other woman and calling me his “ex’ and sharing sexual images/videos of me with them. I found our he had been living a double life and we had been fighting for a few years, always he was saying that it was “us” and that I wasn’t making him happy. Then a few weeks later he would be nice to me . I agreed to live like that because I am in grad school and we have four kids so we lived apart and I had trust of decades with him. So when I found out the truth, I was disgusted so much so that I set out to find out the truth of the last five years. I went to truama therapy for the sexual violation and I went back to school to study narcissism . I then made his life miserable for a year with texts and occasional meeting. I didn’t accept his crap excuses that it was “us” that was toxic. I made sure to study my NPD traits and with decades of knowing my husband I knew exactly how he thinks so I hit him hard and knew that I was making him so angry inside because he had no way to manipulate out of the truth because I had the evidence right on my phone. i contacted the police and filed a report and I hired a divorce attorney. I know my story is not the typical story and most people I would say no contact is the way to go because the narc has no empathy and they just hurt and don’t care . I just needed to make him know on a sexual level that he was a predator and I wanted him to know that it will never be okay and I won’t let it go and that actions have consequences even for him. Actions have consequences was my whole motto.

Having said all that , I cried so much this year and put on so much weight because the things I found out he did to me was devastating to learn. To think for decades I loved someone who wears a mask and didn’t connect to me the way I connected to them is heartbreaking . I shook from the betrayal and grieved for my marriage and my children. I will say its the worst pain to marry someone who can never think about anyone but themselves and you keep working on yourself for no reason because it is the narcissist who never works on themselves . I don’t know if I am more lonely now that my marriage is over or when I was with my narc husband. All I know for sure is people will try to hurt and exploit others for personal gain and I had to speak my truth because I think we are all in this world together and we all try to have empathy . Those with low to no empathy or those who refuse to use empathy are like vampires who suck the energy out of people and move on to the next. I don’t think people should expose their narc, but I knew in my case I wasn’t letting him think that I did anything to deserve such horrendous treatment.

    Nix says July 21, 2020

    You are extremely brave for what you went through! Well done on calling him out! I too had the most terrible marriage, raped me when I said I was leaving and divorced now. He tried to kill me and have a protection order now. I’m always trying to guard my children against what’s happened and I’ve never pressed charges because of my children. But sometimes you have to draw the line and say enough is enough! Thinking of you ??

    S.N. says February 19, 2021

    What type of specialty trauma therapist did you see? Did you also get help from the therapist with trauma from being in such a marriage?

    raven says August 26, 2021

    My ex said that as well, I didn’t make him happy and that it was us

    Jessica says February 2, 2022

    Hello I just came across this article and realize it’s been awhile since you posted. I just found out that my narcissistic bf of 2yrs was cheating ( he doesn’t know) and I want to play narcissistic games with him like he did me for a little bit (make him hurt and confused) before I tell him that I know what I know and I have proof. Tell me was it worth it how you did it that way too? My friend is telling me no I should just tell him and move on. But I can’t let him go yet and im so stupid for it :/

K says July 14, 2020

Johnny Depp is publicly exposing narcissism to the world in the form of Amber Heard. I’m sorry for Johnny! But Thank you Johnny, for having the balls and means to bring light on the subject of Narcissists.
Johnny Depp is an Earth Angel

Vc says July 6, 2020

Agreed! Documentation is huge, yet I still struggle to be heard. I am learning and trying my best to follow Kim’s advice!
Thank you Kim for putting this knowledge out there as well as being a resource for these most terrifying conflicts, and abuse that we encounter.
The article for going “no contact” while trying to CO-parent with a narcissist, was so helpful, and I continue to circle back to right now. I even copied it and delivered it to the mediator we recently used, as I feel it pointed out exactly what I was trying to explain I needed to be part of our parenting plan in order to work. She ultimately came to the conclusion that there was no way that my ex and I could come to an agreement, therefore we were at an impasse; something she said she RARELY ever came to. She thanked me for the article, and told me that it would definitely help her see this aspect for other clients as she’d seen this before. Kim gave such good insight, and I truly wish I could call upon her as an expert witness for these types of custody cases!
Kim if you can or ever could make an impact where some of us really need your expertise, please share your knowledge and studies with the Family Court systems… I think this is a major issue, and the real trauma we experience in these situations needs to have a huge spotlight shown upon.
I recommend anyone going through a custody battle with a narcissist, or co-parenting with one, read these articles by Kim.
I’ve found some kind of comfort and hope, reading all of Kim’s articles, I feel a little bit “less alone”.
Thank you to all for sharing your stories, and thank you Kim Saeed for your most accurate and true insight!
Everything up until and still ongoing, has been the biggest nightmare of my life! You give me hope, and guidance when I truly believed I was in a battle, that was doing nothing but destroying what little is left of me. With your words, you gave me hope, and continue to give me the “will” to press forward.

Seen and Heard says June 19, 2020

I didn’t know when I asked for a legal separation that I was separating from a covert n.

My situation is complicated.
5 children, some with major disabilities. Awaiting judge’s decision. 13 days of trial. Married 27 years. I keep hearing 2 polar opposites; “It’ll get better,” and “Go no contact, it’ll never get better.”

He’s threatened to fight me until he dies for the kids… we’re both middle aged. And we’re (he’s) wealthy. Has reported on a court ordered app that he’s taking me back to court after divorce to get my guardianship removed from one of our disabled children.

I’ve been a stay at home mom since before the birth of our first child 23 yrs ago.

Please help.

    Kim Saeed says June 21, 2020

    So sorry to learn of your situation. It’s difficult, for sure.

    Anyone who’s telling you “it can get better” is just paying you lip service and/or they have no clue what they’re talking about. I’ve been in this field for ten years now and, sadly, I’ve never seen a situation like yours get better. Not to mention, if things were going to improve, they would have by now after all these years.

    The threats he’s making are somewhat common. However, he would have to prove you’re an unfit parent in order to take away your parental rights. That’s almost impossible to do, unless there are any records of things such as drug abuse or suicidal ideations. Otherwise, he’s living in fantasy land. Also, Judges aren’t too keen on ripping children away from their mothers, especially if they have been a child’s main caretaker.

    Hope that helps. Xo

Kelly says May 14, 2020

What do I do when I have a child with the narcissist? Every time I’ve left him it was my daughter and the guilt that brought me back. I want to leave this time with no contact but that is taking her father from her. What do I do?

    Anonymous says July 22, 2020

    I have been in a a similar situation I have two kids with a narcissist an I I honestly think an feel like there’s more damage done by staying in the relationship through abuse and mental damage emotional damage… Truly I stayed married for 12 1/2 years it’s not good for anyone sorry for your troubles stay strong it gets easier I have been narc free sence January although I did mess up an let him back in after 2 almost 3 months in an then realized that no matter what it does not change…. Don’t give up….!!!!!

Kelly says May 14, 2020

I’ve done it all wrong. I exposed them over and over while trying to fight for my self-respect. The abuse has become so bad now I feel like I’m crumbling and I’m unable to function. We have a 3 year old and I have left him 3 times. I WENT BACK!!!! Why???? My daughter and guilt, I think. I don’t know. I’m so confused from the abuse I’m not who I was before we met. I’m so scared of the emotional damage and whether I can repair myself back to my true self. I’m trying to get a job and leave ASAP. He withholds money and now ignores my existence. We need to parent our child but he will not allow that. HE HAD HIS MOTHER MOVE IN FOR A NEW SUPPLY AND PROTECTION!!!!! I’m in hell. He has created a new life with his mom and our child and pushed me out. I isolate in my room, crying, alone, scared. I want my child and my life back. Wth happened?!?! This is worse than hell. And I just can’t believe it come back all three times I even moved all the way to California from Portland Oregon to get away and he talked me into coming back…

    Anonymous says May 30, 2020

    get your daughter and get out. File a police report and go to family court and get an order of protection. My sons are 16 & 20 and I cannot tell you how your words could be my own. The years have flown by and both my children are suffering from it terribly. A psychiatrist told me when my oldest was just 18 months of the damage that happens to children who grow up in an environment just as you described. I had no idea how I could get away I was too scared. I heard a celebrity say that her husband flipped out screaming and cursing at her while she was holding her one year old daughter. She went into her bedroom and locked the door hoping he would stop for the baby’s sake. He didn’t. The next day she did just what I mentioned. A light bulb went off in my head. I knew that I needed his abuse documented with the police and court. Then he knew to stay away from me and it is almost 7 months. I will file for divorce as soon as this pandemic crisis is lifted. I have to add that I pray every single day. I replace my flashback thoughts immediately with callling on the Blessed Mother, God, St. Michael and my guardian angel to form a shield of protection around me and my children and home and I learned to put music on and dance and sing my heart out. Watch and read uplifting and funny stories. They took up enough of our time. I will not let it be in vain. I am determined to let it make me come out the other side stronger, happier, wiser and more resilient then ever. No more taking up space in my home, life and or thoughts!!! With God all things are possible. And of course people like Kim who knows exactly what we’ve been through, are going through and what we need to do. I make a point of being so grateful every day all day for not being like that. We are fortunate enough to have compassion and the capacity to love deeply. Don’t beat yourself up because you can see from everyone of us commenting on this blog that we all share the same scars for the same reasons from the same disordered type of people. I wish you strength and courage. All the best to you Kelly and anyone reading this. I am no where near close to being where I need to be, but I am keeping my focus straight ahead, living in the moment and picturing all the things that are to come.

    Lacey says December 20, 2020

    Just get out. Pray and seek legal help. Try to stay calm and represent yourself as calm and collected. Narcs specialize in making you look like the crazy one. The more time and space you give yourself the more clearly you can think for you and your child. Narcissists often make threats that they only half heartedly follow through on. Honestly I hate to give advice because I don’t the person you are with. But the longer you stay the more the narcissist is able to distort your mind and your ability to think logically. They can also make you feel no one will believe you or value who you are. This is why space is important it allows you to think for yourself again and regain self trust. You Can Not change them or truly make them see the error of their ways. Just move on and find a good lawyer. Do not be intimidated by anything they say. Trust me there is life and life abundantly with love and peace and Joy for you and your child on the other side of this ??❤️

Reland says April 27, 2020

I was married to a covert narcissist for 26 years. We separated early in 2013. My divorce was final in July 2015.
I remarried January 2016 & learned of narcissistic abuse 2 months later.
Everything I once believed about love, trust & relationships was shattered. My healing journey has been an emotional roller coaster from hell! It has also been a bit lonely save the various online groups I joined & the slew of information I’ve read & listened to. It’s helped me understand how they operate & given me insight to why I feel the way I do at times & am more focused towards healing from the damage & it’s residual side effects. I have serious trust issues, overthinking, hyper vigilant, numb my feelings & bottle them. But the worst is trying to learn what love from a man is! I am learning it from my new husband but my only comparison was a lie! It’s all so very different which has me struggling with how differently we express love. Yes, I still have confusion, self doubt, low self esteem & worth, but I am working on them. This may sound strange but I do have some confidence back in certain areas. It’s a jaded kind of confidence that came with a fuck it attitude, blunt truth, & an ability to cut off my compassion.
I’m very guarded & let very few in. Is this normal? I know I will never be the person he(ex) met & was a mere shell of a woman when he discarded me.
Narcissists are horrifying people! And there are so damn many out there! I believe the covert ones try to kill you by getting you to do their dirty work! After all, they believe they’re the victims!

Anonymous says April 17, 2020

Never saw it coming. Started believing that she was my soulmate.
That until she showed what she truly was.
Worst of all is that these people are truly needy and faulty in their emotions.
An empath should be their “angel on earth” and everything they wished for.

    anonomous says October 18, 2020

    I was the same way as you. Feel head over heals with a younger woman, 20 years younger them, who chased after me. I could write word for word my experiences that everyone has submitted in their comments on this site, so I all I can say is…been there done that. I feel your pain, disappointment, emotional abuse, etc.. It gets better especially when you use NO CONTACT. If there is a child from the relationship, limit the amount of communication to the barest minimum with the NPD co-parent. Do not hesitate to use the courts!

Jessica says April 16, 2020

I am married to a narcissist. Have been for 24yrs,he hid it very well for 20. We did divorce 7yrs in but after stalking me constantly,he repeatedly broke into my apartment in the middle of the night to “spend time” with me, had a duplicate key for my car and would move it,and finally,signed his parental rights away to our 3daughters. If he couldn’t have me he didn’t want them. Yet,here I am,again. Only,i finally see him for what he is. Only,I’m isolated,1700miles from my family,living with his narcissistic mother,and totally broken. How is it I still feel like he is right when he blames me for his lies,our relationship,and basically everything??? How can he make me hate myself so much?!

Hope says April 9, 2020

I need help dealing with a narcissistic son. He’s 27. Always ends up on my doorstep when he’s in trouble. Been here 2 years this time. I need to break free from the guilt of thinking I had a hand in making him this way. I am always the cause of his problems, then he says I’m always making it about me. I totally support him financially. Trying to “help” him put me in bankruptcy 2 years ago. Bail money (drugs, but he’s clean now) cars, lawyers, therapist (he has no insurance) broke me. Screaming matches constantly, I just don’t respond. He destroys things instead of hitting me. Yesterday, I broke and called 911. Ended up with 5 police cars, firetruck and paramedics at my house. Did not lock him up, I’d only get him out, but he had to leave for the day. He lies and tells people I say terrible things, well I found an app that records and transcribes. I could here him coming in, he lives in a tiny house in my backyard, and I switched it on. He called his dad, sister, whoever would listen, to tell them lies about what happened.

Seeing my son lying facedown in the front yard with guns drawn on me resonated with me finally. I can no longer deny that I can fix him. I can no longer try to buy his love, or make his life easier. He will never love me like I wish, he can’t. I have to stop feeling guilty, it’s not my fault. It is so hard with a son, your flesh and blood. You can’t divorce them or forget about them. I am weak. So hoping this helps me. I truly believe the next blowup will result in him killing me.

Anonymous says April 4, 2020

I’m confused, can the narcissist change? Some of the over the top behavior she exhibited before, rage, ridiculous outbursts, ridiculing the list goes on and on. But after pointing out so many issues in therapy these over the top exhausting out bursts have pretty much ceased. There is more quiet passive aggressive little things said, no screaming. So do they just rewire themselves?? Can they change?? Am I fooling myself?

Gabi Wenzelow says March 30, 2020

Now that I’m wise to the abuse I’m going to start feeding my mama with a long-handled spoon!

Jhanelle says March 26, 2020

I cant wait to go through your course. I have been reading all the articles on this site and its insane to read. You’re writting the story of the last 3+ years of my life! What he’s done to me, the reasons i stayed, the rationalizations i gave in my mind for his behavior. I still cant wrap my mind around HOW someone can do these things to another person, on purpose, and not care, nor stop. But i know now there is no excuse. He is just plain rotten inside. His soul is black. Im not even gonna tell my story because there is just so much bad. He did everything listed in all your articles except actually kill us or our pets. Thats the only thing left to do from this horror of a person who has upped the ante continuously and with frightening intensity ever since i found quora and started learning about personality disorders and showed him articles about narcissism and said “thats you.” Holy sh*t thats when even the pretense of caring or remorse went flying out the window and the real games began. And for 4 months i was stuck. Addicted to this devil who didnt do anything but actively hurt me on purpose, lie and steal from me, wake me up by punching me in the head. There i go starting the list. Doesnt matter what he did to me. Its done. I just want to learn how to heal and im impaitent to start that journey. Ive only had 1 therapy session so far so i have a lot to learn.

There was two reasons it was all worth living through this hell. First is my son, who will never know his sperm donor as he grows up, i will love him enough for two. Secondly although currently broken, i am becoming a better person, mother, daughter, friend. It took being treated with such horrifiying cruelty to realize my own flaws and short comings and failings in life. Turns out i have borderline personality disorder and i myself had been hurting people and oblivious to the actual damage i was causing. So my self awareness has been increasing, this has been a mind blowing realization that would never have occured to me if not for him. I am 39 years old and wow. Just wow. On top of the horrendous pain inside me from all the hurt he gave me on a daily basis, the realization of my own actions and behaviors to my own family (although not as bad as the sociopath narc and always with different, non malicious intent and motive) doesnt matter. My family still were on the recieving end of my actions and behaviors. The shame i feel is all consuming. The regret. The shame. Realizing the pain I caused my family hurts so bad my mind is sorta not letting me feel it in its entirety yet because i couldnt bear that. Hurt and pain when you have BPD is so intense it actually is like a constant actual PHYSICAL pain in my chest. It is also so heavy.

Anyway the positive. Even though i am entirely broken right now, my logical mind knows that this piece of sh*t might actually of been the best thing that ever happened to me. If it werent for the cruel, life altering experiance he gave me, i dont know if i would of ever experianced the realization of ME and MY actions. I am now able to self assess honestly and start the healing process for my children myself and my family.

I am a better person and will only get better and better in this life because of living through the hell he put me through.

I am day 4 of the 147th attempt (lol) of no contact. But after what he did 4 days ago. I know i am good on this one. It even feels different. Its a weird feeling. I need to heal. I have a ton of hard work ahead, but I am free.

Anonymous says March 17, 2020

This article is helping me so much! It confirms what I’ve felt and known. And key points that I need to work my way out of are brought up, especially the self-sabotage and the loss of identity. Thank you thank you Kim for always finding things to bring in that are a way out.

So many other authors Define things but the way out is not found. Thank you for helping us with the steps
o. u. t. !

Matthew Gerome says February 28, 2020

I completely agree with everything that you have stated.Its All so true!
I wish that I had had such insight and guidance prior to becoming involved with a narcissist.I had no clue!
No doubt most who read your posts would agree.
Who would think people could be so intentionally cold ,cruel and brutal to someone they claim to love?
No one! So We learn the,hard way!
Unfortunately I did the opposite of what you wisely recommend to Not do.
I actively fought to expose the the low down,dirty,rotten behavior and treatment that I experienced.I am currently still debating if it was worth it or not.I Have Paid a steep price for my not keeping quiet. A Narcissist knows of no mercy.You Will pay dearly for your efforts to expose them! I don’t feel as though I could have kept quiet.I felt compelled to” war”. I wanted everyone east of the Mississippi to know what happened to me.To hell with being embarrassed ,appearing foolish or crazy!
I would not tell another person in the same position to do as i did because you Will pay.I do not have children.Most of my family is either gone or lives elsewhere. The only two people that I cared about how they thought of me were her two little girls.My love and friendship with them was used as a tool to inflict emotional damage immediately at my discard.
I felt as if I didn’t have much to lose.This was proven quite erroneous.We always have something to lose. If you choose to confront and expose a Narcissist you will lose things that you may have not been aware of until you realize that you have lost them.I have lost so much.
A Narcissist will leave you with nothing but Loss for your allowing them into your life.I am now broken and badly damaged for my initial trust and allowance.
I don’t know if all of my time, energy,and loss will help to prevent anyone in the future from experiencing what happend to me but if it does then I will know that it was worth it.
You Are quite correct in telling people to not confront. But if you do be forewarned that regardless of the outcome you will gain nothing.You will lose!
This is the hardest thing to learn about Narcissists.
There are no winners.
Everyone loses.
Be thankful to have survived.
As survivors we should do what we can to bring this insidious behavior to light.
Kim you are doing that and I thank you for your efforts.

    RC says July 22, 2020

    Dear Matthew, thank you for sharing. I am a fighter too. Except for my children I don’t have family. They all passed away. I have a few lovely friends.
    You are so right. I am in divorce now with my narcissistic ex husband to be. It feels like I am losing all the time. If I react or not, if I keep calm, it doesn’t matter because he always makes up a new reality where he gets away with it and does not want to take responsibility.
    I don’t want to let it hurt my feelings anymore but it does.
    It is so frustrating to notice that people are ‘on his side’ and think I am the b**ch.
    If they would only knew how he left me (another woman) and with how much debts. He’s SICK!!
    I don’t know how to arrange the divorce because he is delaying it with all sorts of stupidity.
    I get hope from my friends and my kids are giving me the power to be there for them. Today they are going to stay with their dad for two and a half weeks because of summer holidays. My heart is broken… It is so hard to miss them knowing he is misleading them too with all his fun and nice behaviour. He must be the good dad to the world so nobody can say anything about him. But in the meanwhile he manipulates them too. Disgusting.
    Wishing you all the best and thank you for sharing.

      DL says July 31, 2020

      I have no contact now with my children. Even though I had custody, he was able to convince them that I was the evil one. When they turned 15, they all went to live with him. They are now all drug addicts and one I believe is a narcissist as well. It’s hell. I pray your outcome is better.

47 and Fabulous says February 18, 2020

I detailed what I knew, all the tactics that he employed and the red flags (I missed/didn’t want to see), and sent a text. I gave him “options”on why he may have done it…trauma in his past or a simple desire to be cruel…or both and told him he didn’t break me and that I was still whole and standing. I told him I knew it was painful being him and that I was so sorry for him(he hates pity). That I could see how unsatisfied his life was and that all his life failures must be difficult to face. I told him that he is gutted by the root from my spirit and to get help, and that I didn’t need a response. I blocked him from all social media, and made bread for my family. I got it out, said my peace and was done with him. Oddly my mind ran on him quite a bit this past weekend, and as my son and I loaded bikes in the truck, he passed by my house. Our eyes locked for a moment, and I broke the gaze with the closing of my door. You can’t get to anything from my street. I don’t know what he could have hoped to gain by driving by.

Anonymous says February 18, 2020

I detailed what I knew, all the tactics that he employed and the red flags (I missed/didn’t want to see). I gave him options on why he may have done it…trauma in his past or a simple desire to be cruel…or both and told him he didn’t break me and that I was still whole and standing. I told him I knew it was painful being him and that I was so sorry for him. That I could see how unsatisfied his life was and that all his life failures must be difficult to face. I told him that he is gutted by the root from my spirit and to get help, and that I didn’t need a response. I blocked him from all social media, and made bread for my family. I got it out, and was done with him. Oddly my mind ran on him quite a bit this past weekend, and as my son and I loaded bikes in the truck, he passed by my house. Our eyes locked for a moment, and I broke the gaze with the closing of my door. You can’t get to anything from my street.

Gina says February 10, 2020

Dear Kim, whenever I start doubting my decision to break loose, I read one of your inspiring and informative texts. Thank you so much! Our Narc kept 1400 people hostage and most of them did not realize the lure and the hidden cruelty of this almost incapable boss. Wishing everybody strength and lucidity, XXX

Angel dassau says February 7, 2020

I thank you very much for all of the information and healing you offer.
What I have not been able to find any help with is when your adult children are affected by the narc that you went no contact with and begin to blame you for not trying to make up with the narc after so long!
My mother whom I have been no contact with for almost 8 years seems to have breast cancer and has been in touch with all my kids and wants me to reach out to her!! I know her and I know what will happen if I allow her back in my life. How do I make my kids see I am not cold and cruel. I just must protect myself.

Jon Rhodes says February 4, 2020

Hi Kim. It’s not really worth exposing a narcissist. Like you say, they’ll NEVER hold their hands up, come clean, and change their ways. They know attack is the best form is defence, so you just get dragged into a toxic war.

Whenever I’ve spotted a narcissist, I don’t say anything to them. Most are undiagnosed anyway. And they certainly won’t admit anythings wrong with them.

I just keep them at arms length, or avoid them altogether if I can. And I make sure I don’t rise to their bate, which I know will be coming. I have also privately advised others and warned them about particular narcissists. And given them advice on how best to handle them.

    Kim Saeed says March 1, 2020

    Sounds like you have things under control, Jon 🙂

    Anonymous says May 14, 2020

    How can you see or know if someone is a narcissist without spending time with them? What are the signs?

Alana says February 2, 2020

I have a hard time trying to figure out if it’s me that’s the narcissist or my significant other or both of us… just tired of the toxicity. And I just blame myself for every bit of every we’re currently going through and have been through. I just don’t know what to do at this point…

    Kim Saeed says March 1, 2020

    Hi Alana, if you are wondering if you’re a narcissist, you’re tired of the toxicity, and you blame yourself for everything…then those are three big indicators that you’re NOT a narcissist. You are probably just being accused of being the abuser or the toxic one, which you may have begun to internalize.

    Hope that helps!


      anon says May 6, 2020

      I have been having all of the three thoughts you mentioned recently following a breakup with my ex-gf who had me arrested and orchestrated a successful plot to get me kicked out of my own flat by my flatmate after we broke up. Following the break up i tried reaching out to her politely to see if we could talk but i received abuse and then I was accused of harassing her when i asked for my stuff back and was arrested! I totally did a lot of things wrong in the relationship which I take responsibility for and made mistakes but I always wanted to try and work things through with her. I kept finding myself not being open to say how I felt during the relationship as I felt things were always my fault. I feel completely worthless now and feel guilty everyday. Had I not made mistakes maybe things wouldn’t have broken down and maybe I could have not made her do the things she did? I’ll never get closure now as to why someone who claimed to love me went to such great lengths to attempt to ruin my life

      anon says May 6, 2020

      I have been having all of the three thoughts you mentioned recently following a breakup with my ex-gf who had me arrested and orchestrated a successful plot to get me kicked out of my own flat after we broke up. Following the break up i tried reaching out to her politely to see if we could talk but i received abuse and then I was accused of harassing her when i asked for my stuff back. I totally did a lot of things wrong in the relationship which I take responsibility for and made mistakes but I always wanted to try and work things through with her. I kept finding myself not being open to say how I felt during the relationship as I felt things were always my fault. I feel completely worthless now and feel guilty everyday. Had I not made mistakes maybe things wouldn’t have broken down and maybe I could have not made her do the things she did? I’ll never get closure now as to why someone who claimed to love me went to such great lengths to attempt to ruin my life

Hilary says January 30, 2020

I needed this advice a year ago. On my own I learned hard way not replying to ANY comments or photos was the only way to get peace. Thanks

Sara says January 27, 2020

“Narcissists are absolutely not above making you homeless, cleaning out your bank account, publicly posting your intimate photos, intentionally crashing your car, or withholding access to your own children to get what they want from you.”.
For any Man, Woman, &/or Children if you think that you have
fallen PREY(YES, PREY)to Abuse
from a Narcissist? Then make your exit plan and DEFINITELY DON’T CONFRONT them! Make the QUIETEST, CLEANEST Exit possible and NEVER look back!
It has been almost a year since I caught my husband & Father to OUR only child CHEATING. Caught as in had the address and lured him out of her apt. While I video taped him bumping into the
bumper of my car. In 11 mos. I have been arrested 2x and have NOT EVER been in trouble with the law. I am currently homeless & without a vehicle… therefore any job is out of the question. Estranged from my family…and have paid a Divorce Lawyer $3200 owe $1000 more and still have NO Signed Separation filed with the Courthouse. Just so you know, State of NC requires Documented Separation for at least a full year before a Judge will sign off on any Divorce. There
is no financial support of any kind. I have about 2 friends that I completely Trust, thank God and I am currently “couch surfing” between the 2. I am going back to school, I have reconnected with a friend that I grew up with &
He lived next door. And he is trying to SHOW Me just what REAL LOVE & DEVOTION are. I had NO Idea, that REAL LOVE & DEVOTION could feel this GOOD! Thank You to the Handful of Friends that have fed Me, given Me a warm bed or couch, and any other little everyday necessities that y’all have sometimes struggled yourselves to provide for Me. And Very Special Thank You to Anne with an ‘E’ ALWAYS My Bitch having my back, & to Special ‘K’… YOU were sent by my Grandmother! She always had the idea that we should be together. We got here messy, but all of the PAIN, Anger, all of it I am Grateful for because it LED ME straight back to YOU!
For anyone that has suffered from the Abuse of a Narcissistic Partner, you will EXPERIENCE HAPPINESS & JOY in your life AGAIN. Don’t give up on yourself.
STOP feeling GUILTY and LOVE the person you are growing into!

Thank You,
Sara P., NC

Anonymous says January 21, 2020

Quietly get away and get your health back. Don’t feel the need to expose them. They’ll show their own true colors eventually anyway. You have the advantage just to have them out of your life for good and that is winning big. It doesn’t matter if they move on. They are bound to mess up every relationship ever. It’s just a matter of time. They suffer for their own choices and behaviors. God is fair. Having to have revenge sounds like the abuser, not the abused. Freedom is the ultimate reward.

    Lynn says January 25, 2020


Fern says January 21, 2020

Great video and article. I can see that I experienced a string of miracles. Went no contact in mid July as he dumped me while I was in the hospital with a severe injury. I was not in a community hospital so navigating the hospital phones is something most do not know how to do. I could not get cell phone coverage and my number had to change. I was house bound 2 months and in January am just getting where I can drive more than 10 miles. I am not in touch with his best flying monkey as I don’t work with her anymore. He did some stalking, but I changed my number for good and he has found driving all the way to my house to stalk is not his cup of tea. Just lots of things happened to keep me apart from him. I am so grateful. I think he would have been physical. He would have been rough on me. Somehow, even if he aggressively reaches out, I am isolated from him. He can’t be vindictive or play mind games with me. Seriously, a string of blessings. Adverse conditions, but the rest of my life was saved. This session just pointed that out. Everything you said is so true. This is not my first narcissist, but it sure will be my last. I can spot them in the first 2 minutes thanks to you and others in the field over the years. Wow.

Sandra Hoerle says January 20, 2020

Dear Kim—I found that if one records their rages and outbursts and discards, they disappear as soon as one informs them of that. I sent a transcript of the last discard, I did this in a letter, and also said that if anyone said to me again that they never saw that side of him, I’d play the recording. Never heard another word. I suppose they would only have to believe there’s a recording…!

    Anonymous says April 24, 2020

    That’s the very best you can do. Each time she goes off, which is daily – I record EVERYTHING!!! Sadly, I can’t get away just yet. After six years of having to be back in this house with her – the day will come where I can escape, never to look back on this horrific, hurtful, toxic life I’ve had to live. She is my mother… I honestly don’t know how I’ve lasted this long as there were some real dark days. Although, I’ve learned my lessons and know how to approach situations… Say nothing EVER!!! As you can not argue, place boundaries with a mentally ill and narcissistic individual…

Olivia says January 20, 2020

I experienced this recently- ironically it was the teacher on my counselling course, who was certainly toxic if not a narcissist. She was lovely in public but snappy and bitchy one to one. She was very passive aggressive, pretending she couldn’t read my email address and ‘forgetting’ to send me information. I’m not sure if she did this with the other students but she definitely singled me out.
I made the mistake at first, of thinking she was snapping at me because of something I’d done wrong, and wrote it all down in my weekly journal, which she marked! That must have alerted her that I was a ‘whistleblower’ and she didn’t get nicer but slightly nastier.
I passed the course though, which was my objective. No doubt her teacher targets prevented her from failing me. But I did NOT continue with the next course.
At least 3 other people realised she was passive aggressive but they didn’t make the mistake of writing it down! Lesson learned- don’t let them know you’re onto them (if the narcissist is just a temporary person in your life)

E says January 19, 2020

I’ve been following you for quite some time now and think your course would probably be very helpful but I have been emotionally and psychologically beaten down so much and trying to keep my head together for my teenage son that I can barely focus or concentrate on reading material that might actually help me. I become more scared to start a divorce bc although my son has adhd and severe emotional issues from the tension, he loves his father and I’m afraid he’ll just break even though he’s in therapy. Im also very concerned that my husband will destroy me financially–my excellent credit, whatever settlement might otherwise be considered fair, all of this keeps me paralyzed…and I’m in therapy, too. I’ve spoken to attorneys, coaches, therapists (mine and my son’s), friends, family…I’m still completely stuck. Now my father-in-law and brother-in-law have constant health issues so I end up feeling guilty for even thinking about a divorce. My son and I are suffering terribly and I feel like no matter what I do I will hurt everyone and myself.

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