Have you been driving yourself mad, thinking you’re dealing with someone who is dismissive-avoidant, but nothing you do ever seems to help your relationship?
Have you spent tons of money on coaching and material related to the dismissive-avoidant attachment style and are now having a crippling case of buyer’s remorse?
That’s because you’re likely not dealing with someone who is Dismissive-Avoidant. You’re most likely dealing with a run-of-the-mill narcissist!
In this article, we’ll cover popular myths about the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style and how you may have been bamboozled by mainstream psychology into normalizing toxic relationship dynamics when you probably should have been receiving treatment for the trauma your toxic relationship caused.
Let’s dive in…
Do Dismissive-Avoidants Love Bomb?
First, let’s talk about love-bombing. Do true Dismissive-Avoidants engage in this predatory practice? You’ve probably seen lots of videos and articles that say they do, but true dismissive-avoidant individuals typically do not engage in love bombing behavior when entering relationships.
Here are some key points about how genuine dismissive-avoidants tend to approach relationships. People with this attachment type usually:
- Take longer to develop emotional connections
- Are less likely to express intense feelings early on
- Are generally uncomfortable with rapid escalation of intimacy
- Typically won’t engage in over-the-top gestures typically associated with love-bombing
These characteristics are in direct contrast to narcissistic love bombing, which involves overwhelming someone with affection, attention, and grand gestures early in a relationship. Love bombing is more commonly associated with manipulative or narcissistic behavior, rather than dismissive-avoidant attachment styles.
Love-bombing by narcissists generally looks like this:
- Intensity: Narcissists often engage in intense, overwhelming displays of affection and attention.
- Speed: They tend to rush into relationships, pushing for quick commitment.
- Idealization: They put their partner on a pedestal, often describing them as “perfect” or “soulmate”.
- Future-faking: Making grand promises about the future early in the relationship.
- Constant contact: Frequent calls, texts, and desire for continuous communication.
- Gifts and grand gestures: Often use extravagant gifts or gestures to win affection.
Typical Dismissive-Avoidant Behavior:
- Emotional distance: Tend to keep emotional involvement limited, even in the beginning
- Slow pace: Usually take things slow in relationships, hesitant about commitment.
- Independence: Highly value their autonomy and personal space.
- Limited expression: Less likely to openly express feelings or affection, not act as if you’re their soul mate when you’ve only just met
Do Dismissive-Avoidants Hoover?
Dismissive-avoidant individuals typically do not engage in “hoovering” behavior, which is a term more commonly associated with narcissistic individuals. Hoovering refers to attempts to draw a former partner back into a relationship, often through manipulative tactics such as excessive flattery, promises of change, or other emotional appeals.
Here are some key points regarding dismissive-avoidant attachment and hoovering:
- Emotional Distance: Dismissive-avoidants value their independence and often maintain emotional distance in relationships. This tendency makes them less likely to engage in hoovering, which requires a level of emotional manipulation and investment that they typically avoid.
- Avoidance of Vulnerability: Dismissive-avoidants generally avoid situations that require emotional vulnerability. Hoovering involves reaching out and potentially exposing oneself to rejection, which is contrary to the dismissive-avoidant’s preference for self-reliance and emotional detachment.
- Behavior Post-Breakup: After a breakup, dismissive-avoidants are more likely to withdraw and focus on maintaining their independence rather than attempting to rekindle the relationship. They often see breakups as a way to regain their autonomy and are less inclined to pursue reconciliation through hoovering tactics.
- Narcissistic Traits vs. Dismissive-Avoidant Traits: While there can be some overlap between narcissistic behaviors and dismissive-avoidant traits, they are distinct. Narcissists engage in hoovering to fulfill their need for power and control, whereas dismissive-avoidants are more likely to disengage and move on without attempting to draw their ex-partner back in.
In summary, dismissive-avoidant individuals are generally not inclined to hoover their former partners. Their focus on maintaining emotional distance and independence makes them less likely to engage in behaviors that require emotional manipulation or investment.
However, if you have recently ended a toxic relationship and haven’t heard from your ex in a while, be careful not to automatically assume they are dismissive-avoidant. Narcissists may not hoover you right away, but they are infamous for popping back onto the scene years later as if nothing ever happened.
Do Dismissive-Avoidants Exploit Their Partners?
Next, let’s discuss whether Dismissive-Avoidants exploit partners for personal gain. Narcissists are well-known for exploiting their partners and exes for money, housing, sex, and other forms of narcissistic supply. But, do Dismissive-Avoidants do this?
True dismissive-avoidant individuals are typically not motivated by a desire to exploit their partners. Here’s why:
- Value on independence: Dismissive-avoidants place a high value on self-reliance and independence. This often extends to financial matters, making them less likely to seek financial exploitation in relationships.
- Avoidance of deep involvement: They tend to avoid deep emotional entanglements, which would be necessary for long-term, calculated exploitation. Their preference is often for more casual, less committed relationships.
- Discomfort with intimacy: Exploitation typically requires a level of emotional manipulation and intimacy that dismissive-avoidants find uncomfortable. They’re more likely to withdraw than to engage in the kind of close interaction needed for exploitation.
- Fear of dependence: Dismissive-avoidants often fear becoming dependent on others. Exploiting a partner for personal gain would create a form of dependence that they typically try to avoid.
As you can see, these behaviors are more commonly associated with the narcissistic personality. People who are genuinely dismissive-avoidant don’t engage in these tactics.
Do Dismissive-Avoidants Devalue and Discard?
Last, but not least, do Dismissive-Avoidants engage in the ‘devalue and discard phase’ associated with toxic relationships?
Dismissive-avoidant individuals generally do not engage in the “devalue and discard” phase that is typically associated with narcissists. The “devalue and discard” phase is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse, characterized by initially idealizing the partner, then devaluing them through criticism and emotional abuse, and finally discarding them when they are no longer deemed useful or when a new source of narcissistic supply is found.
Here are key distinctions between the behaviors of dismissive-avoidant individuals and narcissists regarding the “devalue and discard” phase:
Emotional Motivation
- Narcissists: Narcissists engage in the devalue and discard phase as a means of maintaining control and boosting their ego. They initially idealize their partners to secure their admiration and loyalty, then devalue them to assert dominance and control. Finally, they discard their partners when they no longer serve their needs or when a better source of narcissistic supply becomes available.
- Dismissive-Avoidants: Dismissive-avoidants, on the other hand, are motivated by a desire to maintain emotional distance and independence. They do not typically idealize their partners in the same way narcissists do, nor do they engage in systematic devaluation. Instead, they may withdraw emotionally or physically when they feel their independence is threatened or when the relationship becomes too emotionally intense.
Behavioral Patterns
- Narcissists: The devalue and discard phase involves active and malicious behaviors aimed at undermining the partner’s self-esteem and sense of worth. This can include insults, gaslighting, withholding affection, and other forms of emotional abuse designed to make the partner feel dependent and unworthy.
- Dismissive-Avoidants: Dismissive-avoidants may appear aloof, disinterested, or emotionally unavailable, but these behaviors are typically not done with malicious intent. Instead, they are executed to protect their own emotional boundaries. When they withdraw, it is often because they feel overwhelmed by the demands of the relationship, not because they seek to devalue their partner.
Relationship Endings
- Narcissists: When narcissists discard their partners, it is often abrupt and cruel, designed to inflict maximum emotional pain. They generally cut off all contact, block their ex-partner from social media, spread rumors, or engage in other vindictive behaviors to ensure the partner feels discarded and worthless.
- Dismissive-Avoidants: When dismissive-avoidants end relationships, it is usually less dramatic. They may gradually distance themselves, become less communicative, or simply express a need for space. Their goal is to regain their sense of independence, not to inflict emotional harm.
Empathy and Awareness
- Narcissists: Narcissists lack empathy and are primarily concerned with their own needs and desires. They don’t care about the emotional pain they cause their partners during the devalue and discard phase.
- Dismissive-Avoidants: While dismissive-avoidants may struggle to show compassion due to their need for emotional space, they are not typically driven by a desire to cause harm. Some dismissive-avoidants may even feel guilt or remorse for their inability to meet their partner’s emotional needs, but they find it difficult to change their behavior due to their attachment style.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while dismissive-avoidant attachment and narcissistic behavior may exhibit similarities, it is crucial to understand their distinct differences. Both can manifest as emotional unavailability and a reluctance to engage in deep, intimate relationships, but their underlying motivations diverge. Narcissistic behavior stems from an inflated sense of self-importance and a need to exert power and control over their victims, leading to manipulative and exploitative interactions. In contrast, dismissive-avoidant individuals typically withdraw out of fear of vulnerability and dependency.
Unfortunately, much of the content surrounding dismissive-avoidant attachment is rife with inaccuracies. These misconceptions can obscure the true nature of the behavior, leaving victims of emotional abuse and neglect feeling stuck and confused. By perpetuating myths about dismissive-avoidant behavior, targets of narcissistic abuse fail to recognize the seriousness of their situation, leading them to stay in toxic relationships that have the potential to ruin their lives.
Further, dismissing–avoidant behavior can constitute psychological abuse of a partner, including “withholding of love, trust, and affection, intentional disregard for the partner’s thoughts and feelings, and a lack of support and care.”(Lam et al., 2018). Additionally, a study published in Violence and Victims found that dismissive–avoidant individuals were more likely to engage in partner violence, particularly if they also exhibited higher levels of narcissistic traits (Frazier et al, 2005).
On a personal note, I haven’t encountered a true dismissive-avoidant in my line of work. I have, however, worked with numerous coaching clients who were under the impression (or who convinced themselves) they were dealing with a DA, when they were actually dealing with a narcissist or some other Cluster-B personality.
Recognizing the nuances between narcissistic and dismissive-avoidant behaviors is essential for anyone navigating complex relationships. Accurate information empowers abuse victims to make informed decisions and seek the support they need. It is time to move beyond myths and embrace a more nuanced understanding of dismissive-avoidant attachment, clarity in the journey toward healthier relationships.
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