how to shut down the narcissist

How to Shut Down the Narcissist During the Silent Treatment

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Would you like to learn how to shut down the narcissist during the silent treatment?

You may have been through multiple episodes of this crippling form of cold shoulder, yet no matter how many times it happens to you, you’re left feeling traumatized and defeated and feeling like there is no way out of the pain.

Well, today, you’re going to learn how to shut down the narcissist during their next silent treatment so you can finally become the victor in this cat and mouse game and walk away with your dignity intact and feeling more powerful than ever.

Watch the video:

How to Disarm the Narcissist During the Silent Treatment

1 – Don’t believe it’s your fault

This one is HUGE. 

When we get the silent treatment from the narcissist in our life, it feels utterly devastating.  Even if we know, without a doubt, that the narcissist was in the wrong, we take on the responsibility for their going silent on us. 

This is exactly what the narcissist wants.

Here’s the deal.  Normal people may need some time alone to think and reset, but they will never, ever use the silent treatment as a form of punishment against you. 

Someone who cares about you will come back and want to have a two-way conversation about how to make things work between you.  Someone who cares will not try to make you feel at fault because THEY cheated or lied.

If you’re dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, their goal isn’t to work things out, but to figure out how they can maintain power and control over you and the relationship.  Therefore, when you go days without receiving a phone call from them, you can bet it’s because you attempted to rectify a situation that they want you to simply shut up about.  

2 – Disengage

The last thing you want to do during the silent treatment is to reward the narcissist by engaging with them when they hoover after they’ve engaged in bad behavior. 

In case you’re just learning about what hoovering is:  Hoovering is a technique that’s employed by people with narcissistic tendencies to suck their victims back into a relationship with them by exhibiting improved or desirable behavior. It’s named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner because the hoovering narcissist not only desires to suck you back into the relationship, but will ultimately treat you like dirt and jeopardize your mental health.

Hoovers don’t only occur after a discard.  In fact, most discards aren’t even real.  When the narcissist seemingly discards you, it’s usually all smoke and mirrors to trigger your abandonment wounds so that you will accept their awful behaviors and eventually give them their way just to keep them in your life.

So, when the narcissist finally reaches out to you during the silent treatment, you don’t want to enforce their sense of entitlement by responding to them or even trying to be understanding about why they went dark on you.

No, with narcissistic folks, you want to show them that they are not right in any way, shape, or form.  When they finally reach out after giving you the silent treatment, make sure they are met with complete indifference and silence as they begin to recognize that their game didn’t work this time.

3 – Turn the Narcissistic Silent Treatment into your victory cry.

The third way to shut down a narcissist who is giving you the silent treatment is to use the opportunity to end the relationship and go no contact.

This is what I personally did after receiving the silent treatment for the hundredth time.  At the time, I was in a toxic marriage and being subjected to the silent treatment.  It had become a regular and normal part of the relationship.

Only, little did he know that during one of his previous silent treatments, I’d gone out and put down a deposit on an apartment.  So then, the next time he gave me the silent treatment, I moved out.  When he came back, I’m sure trying to pretend that everything was normal, he was met with an empty apartment and the sound of crickets.

That was my victory cry, and it can be yours, too.

Of course, this will require much more discipline, and there is a certain mindset you’ll need to be in to make it work.

And that is…

In your mind, you let go of the unswerving belief that you need the narcissist in order to feel good about yourself.

In your mind, you accept there will be a hard road ahead, but it’s one you’re willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and make space for a loving, reciprocal relationship later on).

In your mind, you let go of waiting for apologies and closure from the narcissist.

In your mind, you let go and release them.

In your mind, you drop the mic and walk away.

If you want to know how to shut down the narcissist during their next silent treatment, you’ll need some support and something or someone to keep you on track. 

What to do to turn the tables on the narcissist

If you’ve already joined the Unmasking Narcissism newsletter, your next step would be to consider enrolling in The Break Free Bootcamp, where you’ll learn everything you need to get through your first weeks of breaking free and receive support and encouragement each step of the way.

Support groups can be extremely helpful in dealing with emotional pain.  The Break Free Bootcamp includes a private Facebook group specifically for individuals who are on their own healing journeys.  

You Can Overcome the Narcissistic Silent Treatment

The bad side of staying in a relationship with a narcissist is that it keeps you stuck in a hopeless situation.  Holding onto hope that the narcissist in your life will change is a pipe dream that leads to a wasted life.

The idea can be likened to the legends of Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster.  There are people who adamantly insist these creatures exist, but no one has ever really seen them. 

The same goes for a narcissist making lasting change.

Despite the silent treatment being painful, you can learn how to deal with a narcissist in powerful ways. By cultivating your self-esteem and sense of connection with others outside your abusive relationship, you will be able to weather the storm, reclaim your dignity, and get your life back.

Consulting and Coaching with Kim Saeed, B. Ed.

Kim Saeed helps individuals to break free from unhealthy relationships. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in guiding women and men through the process of leaving abusive relationships and recovering from the trauma. Her approach combines emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’re ready to take control of your life and heal, visit the Schedule a Session page to work with Kim via telephone or Zoom.


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Anonymous says June 30, 2023

We are not alone… I’m counting down for another 10 months

Anonymous says March 22, 2022

Thank you so much for this information. I nearly cried the entire time reading but I wish I would have known about all of this and the actual name for a person that treats another this way….a few months ago. This has helped me and will help me to move on. Thank you.

ruth dodds says August 29, 2021

Your information is awesome and helping me every day as I have been with an abusive narcissist for 35 years leaving twice and now finally leaving October 8 for good. I purchased a house. I would love to do the program once I am in my own home as I think I will need it.

    Kim Saeed says September 8, 2021

    I am happy to learn you are getting your own place! Sending hugs and good wishes…

    Kim ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

Joy Yearwood says August 29, 2021

Love your victory cry, it’s impressive!

    Kim Saeed says September 8, 2021

    Thank you, Joy! 🙂

Casee says January 29, 2021

I am on round (so many I don’t know any more) and it never gets easier. Especially when you are aware of what they are and are cape able of and relentlessly welcome them back into your life. I want to be done with him and move forward happily but I crave him and feel empty without him even though the moment he walks through the door my stomach drops and I know it’s never going to work nor be a positive experience and hopefully this time I am not actually murdered. He is gone again with a pretty bad narcissistic injury to boot. I have to be strong this time and follow the boot camp rules. I will need tons of help but I know I can do this.

Julie says January 26, 2021

I actually believe there is more of a likelihood for me to see Bigfoot or the Loch Ness, than, there is of the narcissist changing

    Kim Saeed says January 29, 2021

    Ha ha! Me too, Julie 🙂


Wendy collier says November 27, 2020

My daughter is the narcissist. How can walk away when she is the mother of my grandchildren!

Lindsay says August 21, 2020

After 17yrs, my life has suddenly come down and I am utterly devastated. He has done the complete and final discard.
I know I should be thankful, but I’m not. I’m alone, I am hurt, I can’t stop crying, nothing seems to help. I have no friends and no family members close by.
He just all of a sudden stopped communication.
I moved out on January 1st… big step for me.. but we still talked and appeared to be working on things.. and then I was blindsided… I don’t even know how it happened. But it’s been two weeks. And I feel worse than ever.
Will this feeling ever go away?

    Lupita says March 12, 2021

    Lyndsay the horrible devastating feeling you feel right now will eventually go away. It has taken me two yrs after my narcissist husband divorced me out of the blue. He gave me reasons, which to this day they change according to his mood and none of them make sense.
    You will overcome this. It feels like you will never get over it but you will. I lost everything because of my narcissist husband. My career, my home, I almost lost my kids.
    Have faith and try your best to keep going. The hopeless was will eventually come to an end.

    Andrea H says September 19, 2022

    Wow….I perked up and had to re-read your comment, because it is nearly identical to one I have written bother here, and while journaling. I too have no family nearby and feel so distraught and sick most days. It’s too bad that there aren’t more support groups for NPD, but somehow feel is the “Next Big Thing” and wish more folks would come out behind the veil of hurt and help one another. I know that the really low times don’t happen exactly at the same moment for all, but do you feel like a certain time of day triggers more tears? For me, its right before bed. I’m not sure if it’s because of exhaustion, routine, or if its the wine/beer (I know, I know…. ). I have been practicing remembering the really -no…ALL of the bad stuff he did, when I need to check myself. Perhaps that’ll help aid in your healing….? And as hard as it is to get up, get dressed up, and go out…… DO IT. I have to force myself some days, but am thankful afterwards for just surrounding myself, even if its the general public/strangers to ease the memories and distract me. Just remember to wear the same shoes, and put on a bra. lol. Yes, I have been so wasted in my own head over Him, that I actually we out for groceries looking like I belonged in a psych ward. I am giving you a virtual hug right now and telling you that this too, shall pass……but everyone has tehri own timeline. Every day gets better and better and He didn’t deserve You. So go out and get every bit of yourself back, and them some!

Anonymous says July 10, 2020

Is this program good for a 15 year old boy who lost his mother at 5 years old and is living with a narc father who always flips out on him & then gives silent treatment for weeks? Same thing he did to his mother which I totally believe brought on her terminal cancer.

    J. Renée says January 30, 2021

    Yes! I do believe this could be better helpful for you and may I say, I am amazed at your Maturity, Strength, Courage and Wisdom. Pleass believe me when I say, you in no way deserve this and it is not about you at all. I can see that this hard path of life for you, as hard as it may be is leading you on a journey, preparing you to be a very special and needed person in this world and there are big plans for your future in the pain you have endured, you are being in molded into a Warrior and Healer for others, many others. You are chosen and I can already see why, you truly are an amazing young man. If you wonder how I can tell, 8t is in your words, your insight and your focus to overcome, learn and heal at this young age is unheard of. Many Blessings to you and upon you and will come from your service to others in the future.

Jermena says July 10, 2020

‘….they were met with an empty apartment and the sound of crickets’ ?????? I can’t stop laughing…. Damnnnnn! Tha must’a hurt lots… Very genius and very effective.
Thank you for the incredible advice.

SUE FINNERTY says July 9, 2020

A great article! Silent treatment from mother, sister and finally brother over the decades. It is an insidious form of emotional abuse. No contact with the siblings but low contact with the parents. Father did nothing to stop the silent treatment when mum did it to me growing up. In other words he did nothing to protect me from her treatment. These days he wants me to “forgive and forget” as if it’s normal behaviour and I should just suck it up. Thank goodness for all the work you and others have done to help us out of the toxic environments.

Anonymous says July 9, 2020

n your mind, you accept there will be a hard road ahead, but it’s one you’re willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and make space for a loving, reciprocal relationship later on)
this is what gives you freedom, a path may be hard but free and victorious to heal and live a good life , not just survive to be tortured everyday

Sandy says July 9, 2020

Blessed to say I’ve been free from my SSBH (soul-sucking black hole) since Oct 2014. Best move I ever made. I do remember one thing I began doing to him near the end…whenever he would abruptly get up to leave my house, it was always followed by a long period of silence. I’d already been through stages of crying, begging, and pouting-none of which worked. I got so sick of it that I decided next time it happened, I’d do something different. So, when he jumped up to leave, and I started gathering his belongings FOR him, and shouted the whole time how happy I was he was finally leaving, yelling as I told him he was a total bore and a drag, and I’d have LOTS more fun after he left, and I’d be sure and enjoy my special meal and after-hours activities much more without him! Well, he still would leave, but with a kind of bewildered look on his face. And all the power in my corner, because I MEANT IT! Once you realize you don’t need a jerk anymore, you can do anything! Never let another person wipe their boots on your back again. You will be so happy to be free. Thank you, Kim, for all I’ve learned from you!

    Jermena says July 10, 2020

    Wow… Thanks be to God you made it out of that Black hole.

Julia says March 8, 2020

Separated 3 years this July. We live on the same block. I have 2 sons with this being. Currently on silent treatment because I didn’t wish him happy birthday. I was brought up to be the better person but this made me fall deeper in the whole I stood in with this person. I still go through my off times of weekend depression even after after almost 3 years. He married his new supply 3 months after traditionally divoicing me. They expecting their first child due around winter, a girl *God bless her with a good life & strength. I still can’t get over the pain of the discard although I’m grateful it happened. I naturally now reject any idea of love it’s become my safe ground in life to just snipit love out, in fear of feeling what I did between age 22 & 32. I see my 8 year old suffer from anxiety sometimes when spending to much time with his narc father, i try my best to always talk my son through his feelings & yes I pick up the difficulty narc dad puts our 8 year old son through. I’ve become an academic currently at masters level & even at my level my eq still needs guidance on how to better manage the situation. He blames our divorce on my emotional affair at work, at times during the past 2 years he would apologise & say we could have worked through our problems. His pulled his new supply away from her family already & I no longer feel bad as she also played a part in our problems & divorce, he always blamed it on me but his choices/words reflect otherwise. I’m still paying off the debt he put me in while married, I used to feel sorry for him until recently I began plotting situations & 3 year now, he hasn’t changed one bit even after divorce or being married again. Silent treatments come & go as an ongoing survivor of narc abuse keeping yourself cut off from the narc is hard work but it’s worth knowing your sanity & your soul stays away from the torture they put you through. I thank God constantly for our separation. At some point I even remember asking God to keep the new supply in his life so the narc would leave me to heal. Still learning to master my way around him for the sake of both my sons having a narc as a dad. There’s no cut off from that but I try my best to show them everyday how it feels to be loved with no condition & teach them to make sense of what,how & why they feel a shift in between two homes. God is great & merciful. Don’t forget to pull toward His light.

Anonymous says March 1, 2020

I got married to him 19 years back. He was my first and only true love. Within a month of marriage, I began to see his anger was out of control. He never liked when I pointed it out. Initially, he used to break everything in the house, has hit me a few times too. He would never apologize and make me feel as though it was my fault. I was too young at that time and by nature,I am very much empathetic and analyzing person and hence I always forgave him and moved on. After 2 daughters and 19 years of marriage, his attitude hasnt changed a bit – As much as has refrained from physical abuse, his emotional abuse has been a way of life. He will be romantic and close to me for a while and then when I least expect, he will be a completely different person – not responding to any of my questions, not taking part in any activities – he would just sit alone in his room watching the net . I have cried to understand what was happening and all i would get from him is nothing. Upon several emails, texts, verbal questions, he would say something so ridiculous that isnt even true. Before I can ask him anything or clarify, he would go out of the house and not be back until night and would sleep separate. I have no way to communicate with him at all. I just go about doing my job, cook, spend time with kids, go to work feeling empty in my heart. All special days – birthdays, anniversaries, parties, vacations,he would become this person – even weekends – Friday evenings are a nightmare for me – There has not been a single weekend where I have relaxed and gone refreshed to work the next day . I just have to pretend to everyone that i had a good weekend. No weekend has passed without me crying . Initial years , I used to cry and apologize and things would appear normal to me for few days only to restart this cycle. Last few years, I stopped apologizing because it means nothing to him. I am still with him because I have 2 daughters and I dont want them to suffer being dragged between 2 parents. I am trying to be patient but I really wonder every day if I am doing the right thing. This afternoon , I said I was going to leave him and guess what, he did not respond and was busy eating food (that he went out and got ).It is very suffocating to live with somone you loved and not be able to communicate with that person. Life with him is like a quicksand and I am sinking. I am a fighter, I am courageous but there are days when I truly miss a companion. Frankly, I dont even know how it is to be loved and be happy with someone. He is not going to change but if I leave him , i would also make things really easy for him ‘coz he will not bat an eyelid before moving on.He wont regret – Only me and my kids will suffer but at least I wont give him the freedom to start over yet.

    Kay says April 15, 2020

    I am also married to a narcissist – but not for long. It’s a 14 yr journey and one that has not been a whole lot of fun. My point in replying to your story is that my Dad was a narcissist – he destroyed my entire family with his abuse. I wanted my Mom to leave him but she had no resources. Think about this. I know you want to protect your children. But they are WATCHING you – they are learning how a man treats a woman. Is this what you want for them? The message they are getting is that YOU don’t think YOU deserve better. Don’t delude yourself into thinking they don’t see what this man is doing. My Dad was so horrific he managed to plant a seed in my mind that I was undeserving – and gravitated to MORE narcissists. It’s what I knew. You are damaging your children ( without realizing it) by allowing this abuse. PLEASE GET OUT. SAVE THOSE CHILDREN from a lifetime of misery with a “man” who is destroying your family. Much good luck.

    Catherine says April 21, 2020

    Not that I am one to even have any right to say anything to you because I do not. I can only pray that your girls are not learning that it is ok to be treated the way all of you are. I know very well how it is living with an narisstic man. I married mine when I was 19 he was 35 and I am now 47 so I am not anyone that has any right to say anything I just know the damage I see in kids now that are grown and I look at their troubles. I don’t know how old your girls are but they learn from us.

    Angela Poon says May 3, 2020

    It would then at least free your heart and suffer it’s not about him. It is about you. You are important because you have a heart.

    Jermena says July 10, 2020

    I’m so sorry to hear that dear, but staying will not ease anything, it won’t even stop the narcissist’s cheating. Narcissists are notorious for cheating behind your back. Kim has some really helpful advice and solutions on how to put an end to Al the madness.

    Anonymous says July 10, 2020

    Everything you say is exactly my story. I could have written this. My sons are paying dearly for me staying with their dad. A psychologist told me, when my son was only 18 months old that a child growing up in this type of environment is SOOOO damaging. I did not leave till 8 months ago. My son is 20. I would give anything to go back to that time & do what I finally did. I left. I went to fie a police report stayed with a friend. Filed an order of protection & came back home when he was gone, We enable them to carry on their absolutely unacceptable, disgusting behavior. My husband is behaving like an incident occurred rather than it being our lifestyle. I recorded a lot of his screaming, accusing and threatening & let him know that the police heard it and made a note of it in the report. Please get out & definitely report it to the police & get a protection order. They are sick but also cowards when they know you mean business with authorities involved. They bully women & children to feel like a man. I don’t trust someone who can hurt their own children. Living under the same roof with him became scary , sickening & just unbearable. Start praying, stop responding to him. I wish you all the best. You can do it.

    Anonymous says March 13, 2021

    Hello. I was married for 7 years to the love of my life. I went through a deep depression for many reasons and treated my wife similar to the behavior of your husband. My stress and depression let to physical ailments that were excruciating. I lost my job, my wife, and my self. I stopped taking several medications and I think they were causing a lot of it. I am much better now, but the damage is done and I can’t even tell her how sorry I am. I have tried. My behavior was narcissistic, but I am not a narcissist. There was nothing she or I could do as long as I took those meds. She wasn’t wrong to leave, but it still hurts. Coming off those meds was probably one of the darkest times in my life. Taking those meds was the second darkest times in my life. I literally had to come to terms with my mortality. I was in complete survival mode most all the time. Always in fight or flight even with my loved ones. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

Anonymous says December 31, 2019

I’m in a 7 yrs relationship. 3yrs boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and 4yrs of marriage.At first 3yrs i thought my partner will change this or stop this kind of silent treatment. i never knew that this is an disorder until we got married.. He told me one time that it helps him a lot when we are both silent.And now i dont know what should i do because i told him before that i dont like this kind of shit..

    SUE FINNERTY says July 9, 2020

    There is the silent treatment which is a form of punishment and there is a “time out” when people need time to reflect upon what has happened. That is the difference. If somebody states that they need time alone that is different than just walking away and not hearing from them for days or weeks on end. Hope this helps.

Bme says December 6, 2019

Went no contact 4-5 years ago….and he still calls, duh, I refuse to change the number I’ve had for 15 years I just don’t answer him. It is comical to reverse the silent treatment, it just boggles his mind and confuses the hell out of him. But being the narcissist that he is, he leaves messages like we just talked the day before. Its laughable and pathetic at the same time.
Stay strong people?

Catherine Ryan says December 5, 2019

I can relate to much of the advice however the narcissistic in my life is my adult daughter who is very dear to me and I cannot accept the thought of not having her or my grand children in my life. I am heartbroken by our relationship.

Jessie says October 26, 2019

I am on my fourth silent treatment/discard now.
The first one was odd. He basically announced he was moving away. I was upset and he had absolutely no feeling whatsoever. After I processed what he did, I sent him a text the next day and told him to stay the hell away from me (and other choice words) for the disrespect and coldness he showed the day prior. He panicked…which was odd because he was the one who wanted to leave. He texted many times and I ignored it. He showed up at my door and I asked him to leave and not to come around again.
The next day, he shows up at my door with laundry like nothing happened. WTF
He hoovered me back. I am embarrassed to say so. Two days later we are having coffee at a quaint little shop and he comments about one of my friends being “His type of woman”. OK, so I just left. He texted how sorry he was and I ignored it. Then I get the **uck you text, breaking up….and let me tell you, it was COLD.
I was actually devastated because I loved him. I am sure anyone who went through this, can relate.
I desperately wanted to have contact and in the end, he agreed.

Silent treatment/discard #2
He texted one Saturday and asked me if I could take my dog (he sort of thinks it is his dog too) to the park to meet him. That day I had to work and was busy after so said, sorry, I cannot, I am too busy. The next day, I sent him a cute/funny picture of my dog and he blocked me. I didn’t realize until the next weekend when I texted him. I sent a message through his phone and basically, he thought I was trying to control him with my dog. OK…this is sounding really sick on paper.

Silent treatment/discard #3
I wanted to treat him to breakfast one morning. I should mention we are of two different cultures. I am north American and he is Asian. I live and work in his country. I said we would meet by the park, he thought he was meeting me at my Apt. So the next morning I was driving down the road and he passed me. He saw me, and I saw him. Anyway, not a big deal. A misunderstanding but the important thing is we saw each other so let’s go eat! When I got out of my car, his anger was evident and I felt really uncomfortable. He said he wanted to leave and I said, that’s weird, why?? He said **** you and tried to hug my dog. I pulled the dog away and left. He blocked me…again.
I texted, like an idiot to find out what just happened. He WARNED me to never contact him again. I said OK… have it your way, peace out.
The next day I get a sob text about how hungry he was and acted out of hunger. Now I am laughing. Anyway, he somehow convinced me he was so sorry…blah blah.

Now, present day. Silent treatment #4. ..and the last.
How did this happen? Well, he was spending everyday at my apartment sleeping and it was annoying me. Why not sleep at your own place? He was using my AC which costs a lot and it was bugging me. I just said, I notice you sleep about 90 percent of the time when you are here and honestly, I would rather you not. If you want to hang out, come on over but I don’t want to watch you sleep.
He was pretty good about it and the next day texted that he wanted to pick up my dog and take him for a walk. I said sure. He sends me a pic of him and my dog and said, I am keeping this pic for memories. I asked what he meant and he didn’t answer. He just said, he would leave my keys on the table. He blocked me . He unblocked me and texted that my dog cried when he left…boo hooooooooo. I didn’t say anything and he blocked me. SO then I not only blocked him but deleted him.
It is almost a month of no contact and it feels GREAT. These past 3 years have been hell.

We met, I was love bombed.
He said he was never married and didn’t care to have kids.
He had a great job as a FX trader in a bank
after less than 1 year of dating, he quit his job, moved 10 min. away from me.
I caught him in a few weird lies so I investigated. He was married before and had a son.

He would be annoyed when I was sick because he couldn’t have sex
If he ever did me a favor, he would always ask for sex later

My first dog, my best friend of 15 years passed away soon after I met him. When I was crying on my bed, he was trying to have sex with me
After my father passed away, he did the same thing.
There are so many examples of his shit but I just don’t have the time to tell them all.

I have two brothers here with their wives and children. He wants nothing to do with them.
would not introduce me to his family

This past month has really forced me to analyze the past for what it was and not what I wanted it to be. When you really look at the behavior, it is shocking. But what is more shocking is how I was able to be sucked back in!!

My advice to anyone going through this, is to cut them off completely. No friendship, nothing.
And, do not try to get revenge. You are not that person, it is lowering yourself to their level. If you have to see them for whatever reason, hold your head high, smile and wish them luck. And, pray for them. They are wounded souls.

Bea says October 24, 2019

I use all the phrases and questions he places against him and it makes him flip his lid. i stay calm. when he calls me bad i say “i can’t change your perception of me and i will not try as i know who i am”. I made him understand that his silent treatment made me think more in peace and made alot of things clear to me. his question if i missed him is answered with a laugh and a nooo dear. what should i miss? he doesnt like it. if i still love him? answer: ask me when you have the feeling i do, i cant say as i didnt think about it yet. it drives him mad. i make him believe i have many friends to talk to and that i am fine and that i wish he is happy with whatever he does in the silent phases. this way i am leaving more and more and he seems to get it at times saying “you are so far away”. its long distance and thats good. i dont answer calls late in the night anymore. i need my sleep.

Valerie Nicole Hughey says October 12, 2019

Silent Treatment s are the worst by the Narsist.

Working The 5 Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says September 25, 2019

[…] Over the course of a relationship with a narcissist, you will develop cognitive dissonance and a devastating trauma bond due to their strategic use of psychological manipulation techniques such as the silent treatment. […]

Judy says September 17, 2019

Thank you Kim! I am just starting out reading your advice and I have a question…..The Narcissist in my life is my adult son…..35 years old…..and he is currently giving me the silent treatment. Does your advice apply to adult children as well as spouses or in-laws? I’m finding it hard to imagine “leaving” my son or “letting him go”. The rest of my family also thinks I would be giving up on him and they say I should continue hoping he will come around and treat me with love and kindness. It’s been 3 years now with little to no contact but that’s his choice….not mine. So I don’t know what to do now. Do I continue hoping he’ll talk to me and try to contact him?….or drop him? …. and how do I do that? – thank you…..

    SUE FINNERTY says July 9, 2020

    “Adult son”. Not a little boy. I have sibs who are 60 who still do this passive/aggressive behaviour instead of speaking to me directly. I have no contact with them whatsoever.

Are You Dealing With a 100% Narcissist? - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says August 22, 2019

[…] go along and they’re doing really hurtful things. They’re giving you the narcissistic silent treatment. They’re lying, they’re cheating, and then suddenly, “Come back honey.  I just […]

Mike says July 4, 2019

These people are monsters. It’s is funny as hell though if you think about it. It’s weird and shameful activity on their part. Cringe-worthiness that they then try to project onto others (and you can’t say anything about it – it’s a game of a little child). It’s a human tragedy that they get away with this and it’s indicative of the general incompetence and denial in society at large; but it’s funny because they’re so stupid; you can only walk away you have no choice.

anonymous but I'm still a badass says May 30, 2019

Dear dear dear Kim,
I want to start by telling you I am genuinely sorry for what all you went through in order to help all of us. I sometimes think the pain is too great and I will stop breathing from the intensity. Since I have four almost grown blessings in the way of children, I thought I knew a thing or two about pain. And then I met………him……….
For 10 long years I have allowed this nightmare into all our worlds. I used to have an a+ self esteem, I used to not be scared of the future. I used to be an amazing bundle of well, ME!
Well somewhere along the way I lost the ole girl. The first time he called me worthless….I remember what I was wearing, where I was at, the song that was playing on the RADIO. I thought that I could love him through it. I thought I had LOADS of love to spare I can make him believe in love again and we would live happily ever after.
Thank you for writing this because I , with my eyes wide open, just about went down the drain. Thank you for writing this because, I see hope through YOU.
Thank you for writing this because even well educated, total badass amazing women……..can fall for it.
Lets spread the word….and that word is……….hope.

    wanda says September 17, 2019

    thank you , I have been going through this behavior for a long time .it took me 4 years to really get it . I am 67. years now. but with my no contact and studys about this behavior I’ve come to enjoy the study. it has given me a lot of has become funny when he trys to hurt me. believe me I was lucky I did not share living quarters I put him out. and worked on me .not easy but doable be strong . make a game out of it.

Stacy says April 8, 2019

I have lived with a malignant narcissist for 8 years. He has absolutely no compassion and makes horrible comments about people who show positive feelings. (love, happiness, joy etc.) He was the typical narc, drew me in by being a great person, asked me to move in with him and then the lying, cheating, put-downs, insults started. We went to counseling so “they could see how crazy I was” (his words) but something else happened. The Counselor identified his behavior and told me to get out of the relationship. His behavior change was so subtle but so toxic and he blamed me for everything, even things that he did or things he made up. People…. get out, leave this kind of person. No matter what, it gets worse and worse. As they age they cannot win people over as easily and women don’t notice old fat guys with an inflated egos. I am in the process of getting out for good. (I have left twice but went back like an idiot!) Please educate yourself, act upon the knowledge and live a peaceful existence. YOU DESERVE THE PEACE, LOVE AND KINDNESS YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING. <3

    wanda says September 17, 2019

    Dear Stacy , he can not love you , he is not able . we fall in love with the beautiful person they show in the beginning . sweet , kind attentive , great lover so on. THAN NOT REAL.
    It is a lie .once he or she thinks your in. Get out take to pain of missing him and RUN and Heal your self. God Bless my friend.

    Pamela says November 2, 2019

    Dear Stacy, you have no idea how much your comment has helped me realize what I was about to get myself into. I lost so much already due this despicable man I once thought I cannot live without, already but your comment helped me regain my strength and my sanity. He stole so much from me, to a point that I, as well as others who’ve known me did not recognize my anymore.
    I finally had enough, thank you so much for sharing your story!

Anonymous says March 31, 2019

Me too! Love the silent treatment now that we’re divorcing and co-parenting. It’s a break from the garbage and he thinks it still hurts me. Nope!

Charmane says March 29, 2019

Thank you for providing the ultimate gift for ladies like me. I have suffered for years in abusive and debilitating relationship. I did not believe that it could be different…until I began to practice the principles and concepts shared in Kim’s articles. Today I am empowered to trust the process and believe that I can enjoy a life free of this type of trauma AND drama.
Thanks Kim!


    Kim Saeed says April 1, 2019

    Thank you for your kind praise, Charmane! I am so happy to know you are free now and living your best life. It truly has made my day 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Pam says March 28, 2019

Kim…. Seven years of living hell, an anxiety disorder, more than $30k of my money, and thousands in gifts I received in turn, abuse in every manner documented honestly and I can’t tell you how many times the silent treatment was dished out my way. At any rate… I exacted “justice” after seven years of living hell with him last October… I finally was able to speak with someone in his immediate circle that he had actually triangulated me with at one point… I reached out to her SCARED TO DEATH SHE WOULD DO WHAT HE SAID SHE WOULD DESTROY ME because she was “his” friend …. Liar… She was happy I finally did because she said she had almost reached out herself and didn’t …lies… Of course!!!! Hindsight!!!! After meeting with her I knew the complete and total truth about him. And instead of crawling back into a hole and going silent myself. I grew ten feet and turned those tables brutally and brought justice to his doorstep and exposed him 100%. His wife knows he cheats and his wife knows what he does and she stays… she is 30 yrs with him and beaten down to a pulp according to her friends but still will and does defend him…. He is horrible to her and worse i believe to her than anyone else ….But his girlfriends where fair game and I sent every single one of them screenshots and copies of text messages and just about anything and everything that would bring him to his knees and it did. Now the silent treatment comes from my direction with THIS warning. Contact me one more time and I’m going to your wife and your children. They are adults. So are mine. Mine went through hell. His had the benefit of every single dollar and gift I gave him While he stayed married the entire time lying the entire way… Even showing divorce papers. Anyway seven years of living hell came to a screeching halt when I suddenly realized last October that this person was not worth the dirt it would take to bury him. And I actually watched him ball like a baby begging me to stop and we would work it out!!!!!! THAT was the day I was freed!!! And that day did not go well for him …. he actually tried to get a breast cancer survivor that had just gone through a double mastectomy to move from another state and I found out about that too and contacted her. I exposed him to every single one of them that I suspected and could find using social media and I was right about every single one of them. So after over $35,000 in gifts, a three month affair RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE WITH A NIECE OF MINE OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER (she was diagnosed Borderline Personality I i was not aware of that until she died of a drug overdose a year ago) 2 tshirt and apparel businesses that I WALKED AWAY FROM WITHOUT TAKING A DIME AND ONE BAD ASS ATTORNEY ON MY SIDE ….and seven years of hoping for him to “change things” ended in the WORST WAY possible for him.

There is one way to truly get rid of a narcissist. And that is to EXPOSE HIM TO EVERYONE YOU CAN ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN FIND OUT WHO THE OTHERS ARE. I’m sure his girlfriend at the time woke up that Sunday morning and slapped him right across the head when she opened up her messenger and saw all that I had sent her. I don’t think I will ever be involved with another man again as long as I live. I’m 53 years old and I wasted seven years of my life on this jack ass. I don’t think I have enough time left in my life to heal from what that relationship has caused me and to actually find and trust again…. 22 years married to the same man and four children. I got a divorce and I met this man three months later. It had been over 30 since I had even dated. And I ran face first into him and tripped. Kim … you saved my life in so many ways. I share your information with others and I read everything you send regardless of where I am in this journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am free. I am free and I had the last word and it bruised him badly. I also told him that as long as he remained married, and if I found out that he was seeing any other woman while he was married, I was going to not only go to his wife but I was going to expose him on the spot. And I will. For seven years he had his hand on my neck and my face in the mud… Threatening… Abusive, a con!!!!! Crying and begging and pleading for him to change his life and do the right thing… That will never happen with him as long as he is drawing breath. So in answer to your question I handled the silent treatment differently this time. The final time. All four of those women were involved with him at the same time I was and he did not use protection. I left him with this final thought….

“ if you contact me again I’m going to call your wife. And then I’m going to call each one of your children and they’re going to get the truth of the seven years of hell that you took from me while you lied to them and countless other women. Narcs are cowards. When the rubber meets the road they are cowards when they are exposed. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did and I was shaking the entire time but when the women started responding back to me…It was clear that this man was not only a ConMan but he was exacting fraud on multiple different women based on lies all the while his wife was at home with all knowledge that he runs around and cheats in a state where “alienation of affection “ is a law….He used HIS WIFE AND THE LAW AS A THREAT TO HIS TARGETS TO KEEP THEM QUIET AND IN LINE and to continue his fraud… as a threat against every woman he meets and hooks. According to my attorney… His wife is culpable because of the state laws here about adultery and she stays regardless of what he does. What he does is promises a future and is able to deliver the life that shows he “could” …. two houses and businesses that are self owned that keep him gone a lot of the time provides the finer he needed. Not anymore. One of the two businesses that I was in with him as a T-shirt business that is aligned with a major breast Cancer research fund… He uses the business to meet targets. I’m telling you the criminal aspect of what they do is just shocking.

You have to be at a certain place emotionally to deliver true jjustice…. I realize that, and I also realize that it would be very dangerous for someone who was not in that place to be able to do it successfully and it must be done successfully to work. Narcissist worst fear is being exposed. So I took that road. I have not heard from him again in a month. It’s not the longest he’s gone without trying to contact me …. but somehow I believe I’m no longer in the lineup and I’m good with that because he is GONE FROM MY WORLD.

Thank you Kim???…I don’t know you but I do love you.

    Diana says March 29, 2019

    Wow, Kim, you took the bull by the horns! I hope you are safe. I did similar and changed my name legally. I also live a long distance from the abuser at this point. I still wasn’t taking chances. Your bravery and intervention in this sick behavior on behalf of the other targets is extremely impressive. Take care of yourself.

    Nikki says July 11, 2020

    Hello. I read your comments and couldn’t believe there are people out there like this. But, I then remembered a so called preacher my mom had married. He was the devil for sure. Just like what you went through, my mom experienced some of the same. I also had my share of narcissistic relationships but nothing, thank God, nothing like this. I am so glad you found your strength. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are awesome.

Leslie says March 28, 2019

Now that we are divorced and ‘coparenting’ I actually enjoy the silent treatment. He thinks he is punishing me but really I am getting a break from him and his BS. Joke is on him!

    Anonymous says March 28, 2019

    Yes!!!!!! Me too!

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