Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program
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how to shut down the narcissist

How to Shut Down the Narcissist During the Silent Treatment

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Would you like to learn how to shut down the narcissist during the silent treatment?

If you’re like I was before I became a freedom boss, you may have been through multiple episodes of this crippling form of punishment, yet no matter how many times it happens to you, you’re left feeling traumatized and defeated and feeling like there is no way out of the pain.

Well, today, you’re going to learn how to shut down the narcissist during their next silent treatment so you can finally become the victor in this cat and mouse game and walk away with your dignity intact and feeling more powerful than ever.

How to Disarm the Narcissist During the Silent Treatment

1 – Don’t believe it’s your fault

This one is HUGE. 

When we get the silent treatment from the narcissist in our life, it feels utterly devastating.  Even if we know, without a doubt, that the narcissist was in the wrong, we take on the responsibility for their going silent on us. 

This is exactly what the narcissist wants.

Here’s the deal.  Normal people may need some time alone to think and reset, but they will never, ever use the silent treatment as a form of punishment against you. 

Someone who cares about you will come back and want to have a two-way conversation about how to make things work between you.  Someone who cares will not try to make you feel at fault because THEY cheated or lied.

If you’re dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, their goal isn’t to work things out, but to figure out how they can maintain power and control over you and the relationship.  Therefore, when you go days without receiving a phone call from them, you can bet it’s because you attempted to rectify a situation that they want you to simply shut up about.  

2 – Disengage

The last thing you want to do during the silent treatment is to reward the narcissist by engaging with them when they hoover.

In case you’re just learning about what hoovering is:  Hoovering is a technique that’s employed by narcissistic con artists to suck their victims back into a relationship with them by exhibiting improved or desirable behavior. It’s named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner because the hoovering narcissist not only desires to suck you back into the relationship, but will ultimately treat you like dirt.

Hoovers don’t only occur after a discard.  In fact, most discards aren’t even real.  When the narcissist seemingly discards you, it’s usually all smoke and mirrors to trigger your abandonment wounds so that you will accept their awful behaviors and eventually give them their way just to keep them in your life.

So, when the narcissist finally reaches out to you during the silent treatment, you don’t want to enforce their sense of entitlement by responding to them or even trying to be understanding about why they went dark on you.

No, with narcissists, you want to show them that they are not right in any way, shape, or form.  When they finally reach out after giving you the silent treatment, make sure they are met with complete indifference and silence as they begin to recognize that their game didn’t work this time.

3 – Turn the Narcissistic Silent Treatment into your victory cry.

The third way to shut down a narcissist who is giving you the silent treatment is to use the opportunity to end the relationship and go no contact.

This is what I personally did after receiving the silent treatment for the hundredth time.  At the time, I was in a toxic marriage and being subjected to the silent treatment.  It had become a regular and normal part of the relationship.

Only, little did he know that during one of his previous silent treatments, I’d gone out and put down a deposit on an apartment.  So then, the next time he gave me the silent treatment, I moved out.  When he came back, I’m sure trying to pretend that everything was normal, he was met with an empty apartment and the sound of crickets.

That was my victory cry, and it can be yours, too.

Of course, this will require much more discipline, and there is a certain mindset you’ll need to be in to make it work.

And that is…

In your mind, you let go of the unswerving belief that you need the narcissist in order to feel good about yourself.

In your mind, you accept there will be a hard road ahead, but it’s one you’re willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and make space for a loving, reciprocal relationship later on).

In your mind, you let go of waiting for apologies and closure from the narcissist.

In your mind, you let go and release them.

In your mind, you drop the mic and walk away.

If you want to know how to shut down the narcissist during their next silent treatment, you’ll need some support and something or someone to keep you on track. 

how to turn the tables on a narcissist

What to do to turn the tables on the narcissist

If you’ve already downloaded the Free Beginner’s Healing Toolkit, your next step would be to consider joining me and my Inner Warrior Circle inside The Essential Break Free Bootcamp, where you’ll learn everything you need to get through your first weeks of breaking free and receive support and encouragement from us each step of the way.

Support groups can be extremely helpful in dealing with emotional pain.  Our Inner Warrior circle includes a private Facebook group specifically for individuals who are on their own healing journeys.  

You Can Overcome the Narcissistic Silent Treatment

The bad side of staying in a relationship with a narcissist is that it keeps you stuck in a hopeless situation.  Holding onto hope that the narcissist in your life will change is a pipe dream that leads to a wasted life.

The idea can be likened to the legends of Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster.  There are people who adamantly insist these creatures exist, but no one has ever really seen them. 

The same goes for a narcissist making lasting change.

Despite the silent treatment being painful, you can learn how to deal with a narcissist in powerful ways. By cultivating your self-esteem and sense of connection with others outside your abusive relationship, you will be able to weather the storm, reclaim your dignity, and get your life back.

Your healed life starts with one step...

Join thousands of others who have signed up for the free Email Recovery Course and Healing Roadmap. Includes expert advice and tips for encouragement and support. * Seating in my masterclass: 7 Proven Steps to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse PLUS +* How to Ease Anxiety * 16 Empowering Beliefs to Live By + more!

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Valerie Nicole Hughey says October 12, 2019

Silent Treatment s are the worst by the Narsist.

Working The 5 Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says September 25, 2019

[…] Over the course of a relationship with a narcissist, you will develop cognitive dissonance and a devastating trauma bond due to their strategic use of psychological manipulation techniques such as the silent treatment. […]

Judy says September 17, 2019

Thank you Kim! I am just starting out reading your advice and I have a question…..The Narcissist in my life is my adult son…..35 years old…..and he is currently giving me the silent treatment. Does your advice apply to adult children as well as spouses or in-laws? I’m finding it hard to imagine “leaving” my son or “letting him go”. The rest of my family also thinks I would be giving up on him and they say I should continue hoping he will come around and treat me with love and kindness. It’s been 3 years now with little to no contact but that’s his choice….not mine. So I don’t know what to do now. Do I continue hoping he’ll talk to me and try to contact him?….or drop him? …. and how do I do that? – thank you…..

Are You Dealing With a 100% Narcissist? - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says August 22, 2019

[…] go along and they’re doing really hurtful things. They’re giving you the narcissistic silent treatment. They’re lying, they’re cheating, and then suddenly, “Come back honey.  I just […]

Mike says July 4, 2019

These people are monsters. It’s is funny as hell though if you think about it. It’s weird and shameful activity on their part. Cringe-worthiness that they then try to project onto others (and you can’t say anything about it – it’s a game of a little child). It’s a human tragedy that they get away with this and it’s indicative of the general incompetence and denial in society at large; but it’s funny because they’re so stupid; you can only walk away you have no choice.

anonymous but I'm still a badass says May 30, 2019

Dear dear dear Kim,
I want to start by telling you I am genuinely sorry for what all you went through in order to help all of us. I sometimes think the pain is too great and I will stop breathing from the intensity. Since I have four almost grown blessings in the way of children, I thought I knew a thing or two about pain. And then I met………him……….
For 10 long years I have allowed this nightmare into all our worlds. I used to have an a+ self esteem, I used to not be scared of the future. I used to be an amazing bundle of well, ME!
Well somewhere along the way I lost the ole girl. The first time he called me worthless….I remember what I was wearing, where I was at, the song that was playing on the RADIO. I thought that I could love him through it. I thought I had LOADS of love to spare I can make him believe in love again and we would live happily ever after.
Thank you for writing this because I , with my eyes wide open, just about went down the drain. Thank you for writing this because, I see hope through YOU.
Thank you for writing this because even well educated, total badass amazing women……..can fall for it.
Lets spread the word….and that word is……….hope.

    wanda says September 17, 2019

    thank you , I have been going through this behavior for a long time .it took me 4 years to really get it . I am 67. years now. but with my no contact and studys about this behavior I’ve come to enjoy the study. it has given me a lot of courage.it has become funny when he trys to hurt me. believe me I was lucky I did not share living quarters I put him out. and worked on me .not easy but doable be strong . make a game out of it.

Stacy says April 8, 2019

I have lived with a malignant narcissist for 8 years. He has absolutely no compassion and makes horrible comments about people who show positive feelings. (love, happiness, joy etc.) He was the typical narc, drew me in by being a great person, asked me to move in with him and then the lying, cheating, put-downs, insults started. We went to counseling so “they could see how crazy I was” (his words) but something else happened. The Counselor identified his behavior and told me to get out of the relationship. His behavior change was so subtle but so toxic and he blamed me for everything, even things that he did or things he made up. People…. get out, leave this kind of person. No matter what, it gets worse and worse. As they age they cannot win people over as easily and women don’t notice old fat guys with an inflated egos. I am in the process of getting out for good. (I have left twice but went back like an idiot!) Please educate yourself, act upon the knowledge and live a peaceful existence. YOU DESERVE THE PEACE, LOVE AND KINDNESS YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING. <3

    wanda says September 17, 2019

    Dear Stacy , he can not love you , he is not able . we fall in love with the beautiful person they show in the beginning . sweet , kind attentive , great lover so on. THAN NOT REAL.
    It is a lie .once he or she thinks your in. Get out take to pain of missing him and RUN and Heal your self. God Bless my friend.

Anonymous says March 31, 2019

Me too! Love the silent treatment now that we’re divorcing and co-parenting. It’s a break from the garbage and he thinks it still hurts me. Nope!

Charmane says March 29, 2019

Thank you for providing the ultimate gift for ladies like me. I have suffered for years in abusive and debilitating relationship. I did not believe that it could be different…until I began to practice the principles and concepts shared in Kim’s articles. Today I am empowered to trust the process and believe that I can enjoy a life free of this type of trauma AND drama.
Thanks Kim!


    Kim Saeed says April 1, 2019

    Thank you for your kind praise, Charmane! I am so happy to know you are free now and living your best life. It truly has made my day 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Pam says March 28, 2019

Kim…. Seven years of living hell, an anxiety disorder, more than $30k of my money, and thousands in gifts I received in turn, abuse in every manner documented honestly and I can’t tell you how many times the silent treatment was dished out my way. At any rate… I exacted “justice” after seven years of living hell with him last October… I finally was able to speak with someone in his immediate circle that he had actually triangulated me with at one point… I reached out to her SCARED TO DEATH SHE WOULD DO WHAT HE SAID SHE WOULD DESTROY ME because she was “his” friend …. Liar… She was happy I finally did because she said she had almost reached out herself and didn’t …lies… Of course!!!! Hindsight!!!! After meeting with her I knew the complete and total truth about him. And instead of crawling back into a hole and going silent myself. I grew ten feet and turned those tables brutally and brought justice to his doorstep and exposed him 100%. His wife knows he cheats and his wife knows what he does and she stays… she is 30 yrs with him and beaten down to a pulp according to her friends but still will and does defend him…. He is horrible to her and worse i believe to her than anyone else ….But his girlfriends where fair game and I sent every single one of them screenshots and copies of text messages and just about anything and everything that would bring him to his knees and it did. Now the silent treatment comes from my direction with THIS warning. Contact me one more time and I’m going to your wife and your children. They are adults. So are mine. Mine went through hell. His had the benefit of every single dollar and gift I gave him While he stayed married the entire time lying the entire way… Even showing divorce papers. Anyway seven years of living hell came to a screeching halt when I suddenly realized last October that this person was not worth the dirt it would take to bury him. And I actually watched him ball like a baby begging me to stop and we would work it out!!!!!! THAT was the day I was freed!!! And that day did not go well for him …. he actually tried to get a breast cancer survivor that had just gone through a double mastectomy to move from another state and I found out about that too and contacted her. I exposed him to every single one of them that I suspected and could find using social media and I was right about every single one of them. So after over $35,000 in gifts, a three month affair RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE WITH A NIECE OF MINE OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER (she was diagnosed Borderline Personality I i was not aware of that until she died of a drug overdose a year ago) 2 tshirt and apparel businesses that I WALKED AWAY FROM WITHOUT TAKING A DIME AND ONE BAD ASS ATTORNEY ON MY SIDE ….and seven years of hoping for him to “change things” ended in the WORST WAY possible for him.

There is one way to truly get rid of a narcissist. And that is to EXPOSE HIM TO EVERYONE YOU CAN ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN FIND OUT WHO THE OTHERS ARE. I’m sure his girlfriend at the time woke up that Sunday morning and slapped him right across the head when she opened up her messenger and saw all that I had sent her. I don’t think I will ever be involved with another man again as long as I live. I’m 53 years old and I wasted seven years of my life on this jack ass. I don’t think I have enough time left in my life to heal from what that relationship has caused me and to actually find and trust again…. 22 years married to the same man and four children. I got a divorce and I met this man three months later. It had been over 30 since I had even dated. And I ran face first into him and tripped. Kim … you saved my life in so many ways. I share your information with others and I read everything you send regardless of where I am in this journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am free. I am free and I had the last word and it bruised him badly. I also told him that as long as he remained married, and if I found out that he was seeing any other woman while he was married, I was going to not only go to his wife but I was going to expose him on the spot. And I will. For seven years he had his hand on my neck and my face in the mud… Threatening… Abusive, a con!!!!! Crying and begging and pleading for him to change his life and do the right thing… That will never happen with him as long as he is drawing breath. So in answer to your question I handled the silent treatment differently this time. The final time. All four of those women were involved with him at the same time I was and he did not use protection. I left him with this final thought….

“ if you contact me again I’m going to call your wife. And then I’m going to call each one of your children and they’re going to get the truth of the seven years of hell that you took from me while you lied to them and countless other women. Narcs are cowards. When the rubber meets the road they are cowards when they are exposed. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did and I was shaking the entire time but when the women started responding back to me…It was clear that this man was not only a ConMan but he was exacting fraud on multiple different women based on lies all the while his wife was at home with all knowledge that he runs around and cheats in a state where “alienation of affection “ is a law….He used HIS WIFE AND THE LAW AS A THREAT TO HIS TARGETS TO KEEP THEM QUIET AND IN LINE and to continue his fraud… as a threat against every woman he meets and hooks. According to my attorney… His wife is culpable because of the state laws here about adultery and she stays regardless of what he does. What he does is promises a future and is able to deliver the life that shows he “could” …. two houses and businesses that are self owned that keep him gone a lot of the time provides the finer he needed. Not anymore. One of the two businesses that I was in with him as a T-shirt business that is aligned with a major breast Cancer research fund… He uses the business to meet targets. I’m telling you the criminal aspect of what they do is just shocking.

You have to be at a certain place emotionally to deliver true jjustice…. I realize that, and I also realize that it would be very dangerous for someone who was not in that place to be able to do it successfully and it must be done successfully to work. Narcissist worst fear is being exposed. So I took that road. I have not heard from him again in a month. It’s not the longest he’s gone without trying to contact me …. but somehow I believe I’m no longer in the lineup and I’m good with that because he is GONE FROM MY WORLD.

Thank you Kim🌺🌺🌺…I don’t know you but I do love you.

    Diana says March 29, 2019

    Wow, Kim, you took the bull by the horns! I hope you are safe. I did similar and changed my name legally. I also live a long distance from the abuser at this point. I still wasn’t taking chances. Your bravery and intervention in this sick behavior on behalf of the other targets is extremely impressive. Take care of yourself.

    Lisa Peace says March 29, 2019

    My story sounds sooo much like yours! I was married 30 years with 4 children. We divorced and I got with my sociopath boyfriend. He promused to marry me…the promises go on and on! 7 years now and he is worse with lies, cheating, silent treatment and empty promises.
    I’m broke and have to move into a shelter after he promised to move in and share my rent. Pulled the rug out from under me again about it. I’m in serious trouble and want this nightmare to end!!! But I have no where to go, limited income, nothing!
    Kim….what do I do? I can’t even get qualified to rent a cheap apartment now. Bills are past due, no health insurance as working mysekf to death for little income. His promises have ruined me! My 30 year marriage wasn’t do bad after all compared to this hell!

Leslie says March 28, 2019

Now that we are divorced and ‘coparenting’ I actually enjoy the silent treatment. He thinks he is punishing me but really I am getting a break from him and his BS. Joke is on him!

    Anonymous says March 28, 2019

    Yes!!!!!! Me too!

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