narcissistic manipulation

These 7 Traits Make You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Manipulation

Sharing is caring

Some people find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist, claw their way out, and do their best to write-off or avoid other narcissists for the rest of their lives.

Others feel they are simply magnets for narcissists.

They ditch one romantic relationship with a narcissist – only to find themselves in a new abusive situation just months later. Or perhaps they continue to put up with narcissistic abuse from coworkers or family members.

If the latter hits close to home, you aren’t alone.

You’ve probably asked yourself, “is there something wrong with me that makes me vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and exploitation?”

The answer is “No”.

There is nothing wrong with you – far from it – but there’s a chance you have certain qualities that make you very attractive to narcissists, like moths to a flame or leeches to a host.

In fact, these are probably some of your best qualities. Abusers know this and that’s why they use narcissistic manipulation tactics to exploit you and use your good nature for their own gain.

There was a time in my life where I was exploited by narcissists because of my caring traits – but no more.

Unfortunately I’ve encountered many narcissists (in work and love)  – who I now have protected myself from.

Narcissists and Empathy

It’s a common misconception that narcissists lack empathy.

Empathy simply means having the ability to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Empathy can absolutely exist without other characteristics like compassion – this is called cognitive empathy.

Torturers use cognitive empathy to get inside their victims’ heads and cause unspeakable pain.

Narcissists don’t lack empathy – they lack compassion, remorse, and humanity.

Using cognitive empathy, the abuser is able to seek out and target individuals with highly compassionate, loving, and caring empathetic traits. This is why the narcissist, owing to their sense of self importance, finds it so easy to exploit and manipulate your empathetic traits, found below.

7 Empathic Traits That Make You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Manipulation

Narcissists are attracted to people with specific qualities. These qualities give the abuser a foot in the door to carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics and suck the life force from their victims.

Other people might not put up with narcissistic abuse past a very early point. But people with empathic traits are different: they have a desire to help, heal, and fix people.

They believe people deserve unconditional love – even narcissists.

With these traits, you might as well be wearing a red bullseye for narcissists! But, you don’t have to put up with it, and you CAN change how you react to narcissistic abuse. Identifying what draws narcissists to your personality is the first step.

1.     You’re Trusting and Have Integrity

Some people believe that trust must be earned upon meeting someone. After all, how can you trust someone you’ve just met?

For you, trust doesn’t have to be earned from the get-go: you naturally trust people to treat you with respect and do the right thing.

Why? Because you have integrity yourself and you’re a trustworthy person. You expect that people are worthy of your trust until they’ve broken it.

Narcissists know that you’re naturally trusting, and they use this to their advantage to carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics against you. They know they can get away with lies on top of lies because they know you really want to trust them.

2.     You Value Equality and Treat Others with Respect

You believe that relationships are a 50/50 experience and you treat others the way you’d like to be treated.

When you first met the narcissist, they probably obliged your need for basic equality and dignity. But brick by brick, their charade started to crumble. Until one day, you find yourself apologizing because you had the nerve to let the narcissist know they hurt your feelings.

The narcissist used their cognitive empathy to get into your head and exploit your compassionate empathy owing to their endless sense of entitlement.

3.     You Refuse to Give Up

To narcissists, people with compassionate empathy are like a drug. Every time they beat you down and carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics to exploit you, they get their fragile ego fix – and no one abusing drugs wants their supply to run out.

The narcissist knows you’ll never give up (or so they think) because it’s in your nature to see things through until the end. That’s why they cling to you and won’t let go. That’s why they seemingly “love you” and abuse you at the same time.

4.     You Love Unconditionally

This is perhaps one of the most bittersweet traits that makes you a magnet for narcissists. They know that when you love someone, you love them unconditionally.

This can apply to all types of relationships including romantic partners, friends, and family members. You believe that everyone is deserving of unconditional love.

The narcissist understands this about you and fully exploits it. In between fights and abusive slurs, you may find the narcissist will briefly apologize, shower you with praise, and promise to change. This is all a façade to make you believe that they too love you unconditionally – and they use it to keep you hooked until the next outburst.

5.     You’re Honest and Compassionate

To the narcissist, honesty and compassion aren’t traits one should brag about. These traits are weaknesses that should be hidden.

Why? Because someone could exploit these vulnerable traits – and that’s exactly what narcissists do.

In the beginning, the narcissist will pretend to appreciate your honesty and compassion. However, slowly but surely, they will use these traits against you.

Did you tell the narcissist your worst fears? Things that make you sad or mad? Trauma from your past?

The narcissist will freely dig all of that up every time they need to carry out narcissistic manipulation tactics and exploit your genuine (and very valid) emotions. Narcissists don’t hate your honesty – they love to exploit it every chance they get.

6.     Your Desire to Heal Others and Fix People

You believe that if everyone had a loving environment in which to thrive, and the right opportunities, they could turn themselves around.

The narcissist knows that you have a burning desire to truly heal them, so they cling to you for dear life. They know that you’ll never turn down their fights and you’ll always react emotionally to their abuse. This is how the narcissist manipulates you for their own gain.

It’s hard, if not impossible, to fix anyone who doesn’t want to be fixed – let alone a narcissist whose very identity rests upon excessive admiration.

No matter how many times they tell you they want and intend to change their ways, this is just a lie to give you hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

7.     You Have Trouble Setting Boundaries

As someone who loves unconditionally, is automatically trusting, and has a strong desire to fix people, it only makes sense that you have trouble setting boundaries.

This is perhaps one of the first traits narcissists identify when they search for a new victim because it’s one of the easiest to spot. People who are good at setting boundaries are very vocal about their boundaries upon meeting someone and narcissists can easily sniff this out.

Narcissists are drawn to empathic people who have trouble setting boundaries because they know you’ll put up with their narcissistic manipulation and abuse as long as they can dish it out.  This bodes well for their fantasies of unlimited success.  

And by the time you decide to draw any kind of boundary – it’s far too late. The narcissist will simply laugh in your face, gaslight you, and tear it down.

Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics – 5 Red Flags to Watch Out For

If you think you’re being manipulated by a narcissist, look out for these key narcissistic manipulation tactics; they’re dead giveaways:

  • Gaslighting -The narcissist rewrites your experience and says you’re remembering their behavior wrong.
  • Perpetual Victim – The narcissist is always the victim, even when you bring up an instance when they’ve harmed you.  They’ll use passive aggression to make you feel you’ve wronged them and that you’re the abusive one.
  • Degrading Your Worth -The narcissist will never support anything you do unless it benefits them. They’ll remind you that you’re worthless and will fail at everything
  • Controlling -The narcissist will get upset if you go anywhere or do anything, even going to the grocery store, without running it by them first.  This is especially true of grandiose narcissists. 
  • Deflecting – The narcissist can never do anything wrong. They will always deflect blame back to you or someone in their immediate vicinity.

What Should You Do If You’re Being Manipulated by a Narcissist?

If the points above ring true, you’re likely in a relationship with a narcissist. This abuser could come in the form of a romantic partner, mother, father, friend, or coworker.

If you’re being manipulated by a narcissist, there’s only one way to end the abuse. If you don’t cut the narcissist out for good, they will continue with their narcissistic manipulation tactics to bleed your empathy dry until you’re nothing but a shell of the person you once were.

If you suspect the abuser in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it’s important to note that it’s a Cluster-B disorder…meaning, it’s ‘clustered’ with another disorder.  So, it’s not a ‘this or that’ situation, but ‘this AND that’.  For example, Narcissistic Personality Disorder AND Antisocial Disorder.  Or Anti-social mixed with Psychopathy.  

You don’t have to wrack your brain any longer trying to figure it all out.  If they meet the criteria of more than one disorder, it’s because they likely HAVE more than one disorder.

It’s important to understand that you cannot fix or change anyone. You can only control and change your own actions – and ultimately your own life.

Protect yourself & heal from narcissists

Join my groundbreaking  course The Essential Break Free Bootcamp

Learn real-life ways to develop new and empowering habits that heal – AND are backed by psychology and neuroscience! Discover the strength inside you to overcome crippling emotional pain, defeat helplessness, and create a meaningful, fulfilling life… Learn more now!

Sharing is caring

Leave a Comment:

Chris says March 6, 2023

I truly love your insight and read it everyday…I’m getting there slowly…thank you

Rex says March 2, 2023

Thank you Kim for helping me understand about my being good natured and now I can stop falling victim to the narcissist devious tactics. This hateful neighbor has placed a camera facing directly towards my driveway so he can monitor my every move 24/7. I’ve not ever bothered this neighbor yet he and his buddies continue to harass me to no end. Police tell me, “It’s a civil matter,” they won’t stop his erratic behavior. I now know how to keep him from causing me to become sick, my solution is to avoid him at all costs! One thing I’ve learned about narcissists, they wont stop harassing their chosen victims. Thanks again Kim, those seven traits I just realized, I have all of them, however, I’m building borders around all of my seven traits to protect them. Rex

Jean says February 28, 2023

I was 65 yrs when I realised I was married to a narcissist. My heart sank at this realisation. I have suffered all my 40 years of marriage, worse still so has our son who is still living with us & afraid to step out into the wide world. I have tried to leave my husband but it was never to be. His subtle manipulation and me being blamed for everything has been relentless. He has gaslighted me forever. I had no idea. I spent all my time with him disliking myself. After discovering your link I feel so heartbroken that I am the shell of the person I once was before I met him. And I feel so ashamed of the harm he has done to our son because I have stayed in this abusive relationship. It is far too late for me to join your boot camp unfortunately and I so regret not knowing you or your incredible knowledge & wisdom before now. My life would have been so very different. For 40 + years I have served him & his wishes & aspirations. I have no idea who I am and haven’t had for years. I made a huge mistake and have spent all this time paying for it. I have always since being with him have felt thick, stupid and cowardly, I hate myself all the time actually. It is too late for me but to anyone else out there who is a kind, compassionate, loving person who puts up with stuff & is selfless please, please take note and run for your life away from the narcissist in your life. And use the boot camp. I am an old woman now who has had no life except to please the narcissist husband I never knew he was, who has destroyed me and worse still our son. I never knew anything about narcissistic personality. I so wished I had. Dear Kim I wished I had met you years ago.

raya says February 26, 2023

Kim, thanks for this. My mother I fear was borderline narcissist and I was so sensitive. She confided in me and parentified me. How do I know if I am also a narcissist? I talk more about myself than I used to before I married an emotionally distant man. I’m too strident and self focused and feel entitled. But I didn’t think that I manipulated people. I really hope I am not a narcissist. I didn’t want to be like her. Help.

Lisa says March 11, 2022

What an excellent article it’s just reconfirming my two and a half years of hell… And the reasons why I fell into this trap… Thinking I was smarter than this. God bless you and thank you

Bernadette says March 11, 2022

Thank you,Kim, exactly like my deceased narcissist husband was. I was raised by narcissistic parents. I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child. My mother never really acknowledges my children except when she wants something from them, but his kids get spoiled rotten. He is still living with her and she supports him, becausenhe is unemployed
. They are moving to my town, but I dont want them here.y brother verbally and emotionally abuses her, but she puts up with it. She will never offer to help me even when she knows I am battling to survive after my ex left me with nothing but debt. And her love you crap is just for show. EVERYTHING is always about her. I wish I could go somewhere else, but I cant. I am so angry

    raya says February 26, 2023

    yup. same problem it’s always about mommy dearest.

Carol says August 14, 2021

Thank you Kim for all this great information. It is so very helpful. I also watched the video ” 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell.” It deserves 4+ stars. I hit the 1st star to scroll across to mark more of them but the screen disappeared before I could mark the other stars. I so appreciate you and all the information you have shared here. Since starting this training I am sleeping better. I am feeling really great about accepting my true feelings. I know now I wasn’t misinterpreting my experiences with my Mom all these years. All my feelings were and are valid. Wow! I can let go without guilt. Bless you!

    Kim Saeed says September 8, 2021

    I’m so happy my webinar helped you! Thank you so much for letting me know 🙂

Bruce says August 2, 2021

Kim, Thank you so much for the Excellent Information .. Like ” WOW” you hit the nail on the Head so Hard it exploded into such easy understanding That is exactly what I experienced Thanks Sooooo much Kim …You ROCK. Like WOW Again. May the Force be with you. …

Evelyn Sanzone says August 2, 2021

Wow! You just described my Grandiose Narcissistic ex husband to a tee!! Knows it all, graduated college at the top of his class, and spends his time gaming. Hello!

Nicola says August 2, 2021

Thank you so much for all your help your always correct and help in so many ways! I went no contact and sucked back in again to only find myself stronger and see the mo after come out one last time! When I told him the contact is o my for our daughter! I thought he was going to kill me ky daughter upstairs and I managed to get to her but he has used all 7 traits that show why I attract the narcissist, I have since had no contact and will not talk or entertain that man he only loves himself never me and not his daughter he uses her to play games and I have to protect her from hurt and pain! She’s 3 and so clever she’s not seen him in 4 weeks and so hurt by his behaviour she doesn’t mention him! She is loved cherished snd my world I do not trust this msn so i will not let him use my daughter for his own nasty needs, thank you Kim.

Jermena says August 2, 2021

This has been so informative Kim. Thank you very much.
Am now more than a year out.
Your diligent advice and dedication to your work has been a guiding force to most of us to keep on truck.
Thanks again.

Davette says August 1, 2021

Yes I am All 7 of those traits. It’s been 4 yrs since I dumped the narcissist. I even had to get an ex parte the last yrs, which was only good for 1 yrs. Occasionally he will hack into my phone somehow & pretend to be someone else. I block the number & Never responded. I pray w/much Belief, Faith & Trust in God I will Never go through that kind of abuse ever again. I pray for a truly godly man chosen by God?Thankyou for the great informative article; as they All are. God’s blessings upon you Kim?❤???

LJ says March 5, 2021

Hi Kim,
I’m really finding your work very helpful!
Do you have any comments regarding the Karpman Triangle at all?
I’m curious about what you think about our roles as partners of narcissists/those with strong traits, and of the narcissists themselves, but without a third party.
I have definitely previously been drawn into the drama, and am learning to remain neutral rather than get baited, but don’t see myself as a Victim or Rescuer as described by Karpman. I don’t feel that I was trying to gain anything from the situation other than to attempt to resolve things. I had no idea for quite some time that he was actively preventing resolution, so was innocently labouring away in good faith, believing that he had a lack of emotional understanding, or a fear of getting to the bottom of things.
Thanks for any light you can shed! 🙂

Becca says February 16, 2021

This rings so true for me. I had a narcissist father and sister, and I went no contact. I then fell into the arms of a narcissistic partner who I’ve been with for 23 years. I now also live next door to a narcissistic mother and daughter duo, who are making my life a misery. Up until 5 years ago I had never heard of the word narcissist, so I read and read and read every book I could, and it all fell into place. I’m working on leaving my relationship and I’m now moving 300 miles away to get away from my neighbours and to have a fresh start. I never really realised that these cretins are everywhere!!

Michelle Duarte says February 12, 2021

I have been in a Narcissistic marriage for almost 35 years I want so much to get free your articles are so helpful

Lori says February 10, 2021

People he’s connected w/say he tells them how great I am. But he doesn’t tell me. I figure his reasoning is that they’ll think “wow, john must be a really super guy to have a such a great wife.” A neighbor told me John was singing my praises. When john returned & I told him that, he said to neighbor “what the hell, don’t go telling her shit I told you! She’s not supposed to know that.”. Humph? I might get a big head, or even some confidence.

Mike Kay says February 9, 2021

Hi Kim,

A narcissistic woman broke my heart 20+ years ago and I never completely healed from it. I was never able t understand how she could go from, “I love you, you have everything I’ve ever wanted in a man.” to discarding me and getting engage to someone else a few months later. As I started reading your content, you laid out her approach step-by-step: love-bombing, indifference (silent treatment), hoovering, then discarding. Among the key items was, “Until one day, you find yourself apologizing because you had the nerve to let the narcissist know they hurt your feelings.” When I did so, she ended things…until she Hoovered me. I also see my “love” for her was just a longing for unmet needs…it had nothing to do with her.

I can’t thank you enough for your work and helping me see the light after all these years.


ben curtis says February 8, 2021

Thank you as always.

Julie Catoe says December 17, 2020

I just got out of a narcissistic relationship with a boss. It has been horrific and terrifying. I am a therapist and have had to go back to therapy because of all the trauma this ex-boss did. I have questioned myself so much for ending up at this place of work. This article and your other stuff has really helped me. I am going to forward this to other co-works who got out too. Thank you.

Keri Brewer says November 11, 2020

I’m really enjoying learning about cluster B behavior and recovery from abuse. I see many references to partner, parents, friends, and coworkers. But what if the cluster B (in my case she is Borderline) is your child? I don’t have the “luxury” of just leaving. Help.

Karen says October 3, 2020

I didn’t “tell” him anything. He found and read my old journals while I was at work. Then he threw every. single. page. back at me for decades, but with his own interpretation of “what I really meant”, while he lied like a sidewalk about everything he ever did. All those infidelities he accused me of, because of that jealous streak he says he has? Projection. It’s clustered, alright. I remember thinking he would somehow “get better”. Now I know for a fact that he could, and would, only ever get worse.

About two years ago, I stopped feeling defeated, did a lot of my grieving, and started feeling defiant instead. I made a point not to let on, and he never noticed. I don’t think I’m particularly deceptive – it’s more that he’s particularly self absorbed.

A narcissist has the depth of a damp spot on the floor. Best to side step them entirely, lest they bring you down. That’s all they know.

I will have been out four months this week. I’m 65. I have nowhere to go but up. I intend to get there.

    Ingrid Fisher, Certified Life Coach ( iPEC) says January 15, 2021

    Good for you! 65 is not too young . It is your time now!

    Rosie says January 31, 2021

    Karen, I am so proud of you and super-inspired by you. I love the way you’ve made your point just with your vocab. So precise, concise and chic. See you at the top xxx

    Evelyn Sanzone says August 2, 2021

    Yes!!! Good for you!!!

Don Frear says August 28, 2020

Your advise has helped me reclaim my life. I have separated from my girl friend. She continues to cut me down on FB. no matter what I say. She just will not quit, until she gets what she wants. So my only recourse is to block her, so I don’t have to look at her propaganda.
I am in the process at present to reclaim who I am, after 7 weeks of separation. I am really enjoying, being a bachelor. After knowing my brother, for74 years of my life, have come to realize that he is also narcissistic. His consent lies, for all those years, was very depressing. My eyes, are now, wide open. My , my, where would I be without your advise. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You. Don

holly robertson says August 26, 2020

KIM,I don’t think I could have survived these last few years without your teachings and words of encouragement, I am constantly learning about me. CHOICES…that I chose to make after a 34yr. marriage,I am now divorced from the narc.and moving on ,thank god,have had therapy meds and am so lucky I had somewhere to go. I have even met a wonderful man who is teaching me so many things about what love really is,I have a long way to go,and learning patience with myself takes time,but I’m proud ,and I thankyou again from the bottom of my heart

Olivia says August 26, 2020

I noticed other things that attract narcissists to me/other nice people.
One is if I appear directionless, uncertain. That seems to attract them like a moth to a flame, because then they try to push me around to do what they want, or what they want to see me do or the emotion they want me to feel. If I focus on myself and my own direction, they aren’t so attracted.
Secondly, if I am overly tuned in to them and affected by them. If they notice I’m listening carefully to them and reacting to them, they push at my boundaries to see how much I’ll take from them- what sort of comments and tone of voice etc. I’ve learned to listen carefully to people at first, then if I don’t like how they treat me, to just stop listening and do my own thing.
I think if narcissists/toxic people see us in the ways above, they pounce. So I’ve learned to behave in safer ways, as I said above.

Anonymous says August 25, 2020

Kim you were spot on with this… you always know what it is like… thank you…. just when one may think they may be crazy, you shed light on the truth❤️ Thank you

Bev says August 25, 2020

Excellent read and very much on point from my perspective. I walked away from a narcissistic relationship of 10 years on June 1, 2019 and I have not looked back! Every last one of those traits that you describe are traits that I have and I am proud of that fact. What I am not proud of, is that it took me so long to actually realize what I was dealing with and finally decide to end things. It hurt bad and I was so afraid to walk away at first because I hated the thought of starting over and just not being able to hold my own financially (he contributed to my household financially). It took months of therapy to help me get through the grieving process of losing what I considered to be the one love of my life; but even though I had to end things for my own sanity and peace of mind, I still came to the realization just recently that although he was the love of my life and I feel that I gave my all to him unconditionally, he was unfortunately not capable to returning the same type of love to me. I believe that he did love me, but it was only to the best of his ability to love, period. So I don’t blame myself or feel bad about the fact that I did love this man and gave my all to him, but he was just not able to love me the way that I needed or deserved to be. I am grateful that I was able to recognize this (as late as it was) but I truly feel that I have learned a lot about myself and what it is that I truly desire and need from the next relationship (if there is to be one). I love all of the aforementioned traits that I possess and I can only be grateful that I was blessed not to be a narcissist; instead to be the loving, caring, compassionate and empathetic person that I am. I am now truly thankful for that experience, as painful as it was, but I have so much peace and contentment in my life now that I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Did my self esteem take a hit from this relationship? Yes it did, but the realization of my self worth and dignity being returned to me, supersedes any loss of self esteem; besides, it is being restored. I am good. Life is good. God is good!

Mary says August 25, 2020

Great article, and so accurate. Enlightening too. Thank you so much!

Kim says June 14, 2020

Why after I have moved 2 and 1/2 hrs away and don’t talk to Him is he the first thing I think of and the last thing I think about. Why am I so angry and hateful. How long before I am healed? I can’t even look at another man.

Rana Thomas says April 18, 2020

I have ended my relationship with a narcissist, which yes as you state has left me a shell of the person I was. It’s been almost a year and a half and listening to your videos I see that I have the traits that make me a target. What I’m struggling with is understanding/ believing that there are people out there who INTENTIONALLY want to hurt you. I’m in a lot of therapy still and they say to give trust rather than make someone earn it? I guess I’m struggling with HOW I recover, rebuild, & lead a happy life?

Gwendolyn Climpson says April 13, 2020

Kim, thanks for this article. I probably have all of these traits and don’t apologize for having them. These traits are what makes me ME! However, I know now, after leaving the narc and going NO CONTACT, I have to re-enforce boundaries, set deal-breakers, WRITE them down, which will cause me to re-enforce them, and stick with them, no matter what! I remember SAYING what I would not accept in a mate. The narc possessed each of them (bad credit, younger than me and a prison record), and I still continued with the relationship. I don’t intend to be judgemental… God can make a change in people’s lives, however, these were my deal-breakers. So, for me WRITING them down is huge! It was amazing to read that part of your blog… (that empaths will set boundaries, but not stick with them). I’m out of the relationship and thank God I’m learning to love myself and live in my own skin again. “It’s nothing like being fearful, and afraid to live in your own skin.”

Thanks for all you do in helping others regain their life and love themselves again.

Marian says April 12, 2020

Hi Kim,
This article is fantastic and so concise. My 20 yr old son is a narcissist.

Jamie G says December 3, 2019

It truly saddens me deeply to know that all of you have experienced basically the same thing that I have. It’s so hard to find your self worth again. When I went into my narc relationship, I was 18 years old, and I thought I was a strong person that would never end up with an abuser. I was trapped with him for 17 years, and at 39 and many years of life wasted later, I realize that I had false confidence in myself back then. Although I knew that the things he was saying to me weren’t true, they still bore into my head until I didn’t know what normal reality was anymore. You can only fend off the craziness for so long. Even worse, I really had no idea that people could be so horrible to others, so I couldn’t have even considered the detrimental situation I was in until it was too late… let alone comprehend it as it was happening. It took me 14 years to realize what was going on…14 years, self doubt and thinking I must be truly insane like he said (to the point that I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking the strongest psych meds offered to me). My poor kids got to witness all of this. Fortunately, I decided to steal a voice recorder from a store, partially to help me remember things in general since my brain didn’t seem to function well anymore, and partially because I could never seem to accurately recall arguments with him. Turns out, he had me convinced of everything opposite to reality. Stealing a voice recorder was the smartest thing I ever did. It brought me back to reality to hear that he in fact did say and do everything exactly as I remembered, and not as the twisted version he’d have me believe. By the way, I had to steal it…I had to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to do so. There’s no way I could’ve acquired it otherwise. I couldn’t get my hands on a dollar with him, let alone $30. I don’t regret it. It’s why I’m alive today, and I totally believe that. The guilt that I feel for exposing my children to this lunacy and for giving them such a horrible father… that I’ll feel forever.

Thank you Kim, for everything you do. I wish I’d known all that you share many years ago, but I’m very thankful that you can help others now. It helps me to know I’m not alone anyway

    Deborah Champeau says December 10, 2019

    Jamie, no you are far from alone in this dilemma, I was raised by a narcicisstic mother! She chose me as her scapegoat which basically means, she blamed me for any anx all things that went wrong. She is like a roaming nightmare that never ends. She is detrimental to all 6 of her children and was an awful adultrous wife to 5 us & our father, the youngest brother is nog his child but she named him after my dad! Talk about added shame on top of pain. He knew.
    But then we come to a place when enough is enough, we survived, we are hurt, but able to move forward. Thankful for the information that Kim and her team have made so readily available to help us.
    I am grateful. I hope you are finding a new peace & hope afterlife with a narcissist. May your revovery be fulfilling & rich with joy.


    Maggie says September 24, 2021

    I’m so happy you made that choice. I can relate to the fending off craziness and being so shell-shocked that another human could be so vindictive and horrible.

Skye says December 3, 2019

My biggest challenge is how to retain all of these traits, which are good things that I like about myself, while also making sure I am not preyed upon. At the moment my best option is to remain alone, but I would like that to change someday as it’s lonely.

    Kim Saeed says December 5, 2019

    Hi Skye,

    Please don’t resolve to be alone. Recent studies suggest that loneliness is becoming a new epidemic and shortens one’s life span considerably.

    Generally speaking, you only need to implement boundaries in your relationships. So that when someone breaks your boundaries, you don’t give them eternal second chances. When people drain us, overstep boundaries, and are otherwise toxic, we need to be willing to walk away and mean it.

    Here’s an older blog article I wrote which might help:

    Always remember, we are not here to rehabilitate adults who never learned emotional maturity. We are not here to be another human’s emotional punching bag. That doesn’t mean to desert a friend in need, only that if you are giving 110% in a relationship and are being abused or taken advantage of, it’s time to cut that anchor and sail away.

    Kim XoXo

    Deborah Champeau says December 10, 2019


    We have beautiful hearts, blessed with all fine traits that fell upon the hands of a very disordered person who took advantage of us.
    Kim pointed out that the two most important traits to work on strengthing are #4 & #7. I clearly remember that one of those two is in regards to setting our boundaries. I know personally, that I am like a walking, talking open book when I meet new people. I need to put a stop to doing this or slow it way down. The reason that I know that it is to our own advantage is that, too much information given can & has been used against us! Wouldn’t you agree with that?
    It is not that we have to completely turn into someone that we sre not, just make some adjustments to benefit ourselves. I am going to begin immediately. I hope you are willing to help you, then your chances of not attracting another narcissist will be much better. May your life be a better one.

      Bruce says August 2, 2021

      Hello Deborah. . Wanted to agree with your comments and say I too am a walking talking open book .. Just like so much to be real and honest…..

Olivia says September 2, 2019

I’ve noticed or decided to give a name to what I think attracts narcissists to me. I think it’s because I notice people. I simply notice what they are doing and even thinking, so they test me with some kind of behaviour or comment. If I then accept that behaviour or comment and treat it as if it’s normal, that is the green light for them to target me.
I hope that makes sense, it’s hard to put into words.
I realised this about myself about a year ago so I don’t do it anymore. I go round in my own little world more and if people want help, they have to ask. I don’t go round anticipating or noticing their state of mind or what they need or want. It’s such a relief!

Reshma Abraz says August 25, 2019

After reading all this..I learned a lot about narcissistic abuse that I never knew all this while until I feel so drained and start wondering what has happen to me…where is ‘ME’ .until my counselor told me that I have been in an abusive relationship and I have been in it for far too long…I am glad that I am in No Contact with him…all this will never happen if I hadn’t seen Kim Saeed Youtube videos …thank you so much

How to Shut Down the Narcissist During the Silent Treatment - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says June 15, 2019

[…] even real.  When the narcissist seemingly discards you, it’s usually all smoke and mirrors to trigger your abandonment wounds so that you will accept their awful behaviors and eventually give them their way just to keep them […]

Sara says March 15, 2019

I am currently married to a narcissistic addict with bi-polar. I know triple threat, right.
I am fully aware of my situation, and have mastered “gray rock” before I even knew what it was. It works for the first 20 minutes of an argument, then he just gets more pissed. Then I react and he starts the apologizing and blah blah blah.
I find it consuming and difficult to be married to someone who doesn’t love themselves. I’m damn close to hitting my “wall.” I have no more tears. I have no more care. I’m just here … feeling unsatisfied in life.
I’m not concerned about having to get a divorce. I’m concerned about bringing it up and possibly putting myself in a very unpredictable situation.

Dorie LaRue says February 17, 2019

These articles are helpful, but I have to cherry pick, even though it’s always a hefty basket of cherries. There is an overwhelming number of parents who find themselves with narcissistic adult children. Speaking for everyone, perhaps, I’d like to suggest you have some articles on narc adult children, and narc dual diagnoses with schizophrenia, and drug addiction. A huge number of parents are losing their life savings, and their own sanity, trying to do right by them. There is a dearth of information out there on this problem. There seems to be a narc pandemic.

    Healing Soul says August 26, 2020

    So there is sometimes not uncommonly a dual diagnosis of NPD and schizophrenia? I was wondering about this is why I ask. My schizophrenic ex has a lot of covert narcissist traits, but no addiction.

    Felisa says September 16, 2022

    That’s honestly the first time anyone has touched on that unique NPD relationship I’m struggling with. Not knowing anything about a narcissist, I tried fixing my ex for 16 years of feeling like I was going bat shit crazy It was only in the last few years I have learned about my ex and tge real cause. Then to discover it was NEVER me and no amount of therapy or counseling could mend. But the inheritable gene exists in my daughter and in her thirties has started to come to full fruition. We were so close but now it’s developed more and more and it hurts so much. ~ and feels like Groundhog Day. I can run from relationships , bosses, co-workers and best friends. But . But the inheritable gene exists in my daughter and we were so close but now it’s developed more and more and it hurts so much more and feels like Groundhog Day.

    I can run from NPD relationships , bosses, co-workers and best friends. But I cannot break ties being the single mother who raised my only child who used to love me and cherish me.

    That is too natural a bond instinctively and contradicts every aspect of breaking away or having those boundaries. There isn’t enough Intel out there that provides the roadmap “away” from your child if your a mom. It is the epitome of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Nothing is as heartbreaking as being in this dynamic with your own daughter. I know what it is. I know why it is. I get hurt so often and yet, I can’t imagine not having a relationship with my only child. For me, it’s equally as devastating as being abused and staying in the narcissistic relationship instead. I really do know I can’t be happy disowning the child I created. I’m hoping there will be some enlighten-
    ment by following Kim and learning from others but it never seems to be this particular dynamic. Help. My heart is truly broken.
    Demoralized Mom should be my next tattoo.

Manoj Jain says January 28, 2019

Thank you kim
All of your advice are helping me very much and please keep doing it .
My dad is a narcissist and my mom cannot leave him for atleast 1 year. so can you please tell me how she should behave with him when he is crossing boudaries or getting angry so that she will get minimum hurt and pain.
And i also want to ask how to create boundaries with them narcissist.
Kim it will really be helpful if you give your advice to me in the form of a video on youtube or an answer to my comment

Nina says January 22, 2019

Um un a psych ward killung myaelf bevayse if rhe narccessistuc behaviour if a man .ive fine insane . i dint thibk thete is mych hope for me i have lost my mibd to the abuser and self destroting .

Renee says January 19, 2019

I wanted to inform others that are or we’re dealing with a narcissist to be very aware of phone hacking to constantly spy, keep track of locations, manipulate ect ect
This is a dangerous tool for narcissists.
TY & kindest regards
Renee X

    Kim Saeed says January 21, 2019

    Absolutely. I’ve written about this several times and even have a section on it in my course.

    I was monitored this way in the past and it’s much more rampant than people may believe.

    Kim XoXo

Tio says January 19, 2019

They are snealky. It is without added value and inner content and it is only for their own purpose. it was like a conact to get better of you and not more than that. They say that tehy are love you while they steal things from you behind your back and that are not real friends. Don”t be a peoplepleasing doormat trashcan and what you get for your good things is not what you deserve. Lovebombing at first and devaluation and discard when it comes out what they did wrong, and that is their true face and they know darn well what they did and deny what they have misdone. mess on your hands garbage from a narcissist who spoil the good personalityqualities of others and empaths to get better of someone and it is as if you have the qualities of the narcissist and the narcissist has your good qualities and it is as if you have and get the bad qualities and the narissist and the narcissist has yours. Say the love uou while they betray you with badmouthing you in front of others is not real love and compassion.

Anonymous says January 19, 2019

Love is like a trashcan to the narcissist. Lovebombing with words like I understand you and I love you while they betray you and steal from you is not real love. They say it only hollow empty and meaningless words without added value and inner content, and real compassion. .

Ben says January 18, 2019

Thank you so much, Ms Saeed. My relationship with a predatory narcissistic woman is the most devastating thing that I have ever encountered in my long life full of trouble. I need help.

Xyrenene Cerdeña says January 17, 2019

Thank you so much for all the help ms. kim 🙂

Anonymous says January 17, 2019

I really want to stress one text message from your narrcisse and it really will ruin your life I read that somewhere from your advice Kim. I wish I had read that about the a year ago before it happened to me. I am getting some help from your advice. Thank you so much!

    Kim Saeed says January 26, 2019

    You are very welcome! Yes, the article is, in fact, How a Simple Text Message Can Ruin Your Life.

    I’m glad to know my article helped you. I wish you all of life’s blessings as you continue to heal.

    Kim XoXo

Samuel Kerry Vain says January 16, 2019

Another perfection in outlining the reality <3 Of course I know this NOW, but it would have been so handy being so well informed when my confusion began. Never again can one of them get past me. Thannk you so much for all of your educational efforts, KS. <3 U!

    Kim Saeed says January 26, 2019

    Thank you so much, Samuel! So glad to know you feel empowered!


Alexandra says January 16, 2019

As much as i have learnt about narcissists and the abuse they inflict from what i have read and watched over the last 18 months, i find it extremely difficult to stay away permanently from my current narc. When I go No Contact for any length of time i start to miss his physical body, not his mind. I yearn for him. Lets be real im 63 and hes 47 and i feel there is no one else out there, and while i do like my own company i like affection and my narc is affectionate. Its me i need to work on now, i would love to be happy and content on my own for however long it takes whether or not i meet anyone or not in the future. I hate the feeling of missing my narc, i need to get beyond that. Everything you wrote is spot on, and i know how wrong this type of person is for me.

    Kim Saeed says January 26, 2019

    Hi Alexandra, that’s something a lot of folks struggle with. If you aren’t a member of any programs, we’d love for you to join us in mine. You can explore it here.

    Wishing you all the best!

    Kim XoXo

Pamela says January 16, 2019

This fits me to a T. My divorce will be final in February. I went no contact at first, but due to someone I started to let there be contact. He has been trying to get me to rescue him from where he is living now, he is using his health issues to get sympathy, his income got cut because mine got upped. He lives with his mother now, pays no room and board, she buys the majority of the food. He tells me about all the fun he is having with 3 of his male friends, all the times he eats out, bought new phone, can’t buy the new tv he wanted because his income went down, had one Counsuling session, I don’t believe he will go for more. Says now he can’t afford to even get into low income housing, which I know he can, he will just have to learn how to budget as I do, plus he can’t go out and have a lot of fun anymore. Never once has he asked about my health or how I am doing. It is all about him. Will be going back to no contact because it is stressing me and there is no way he will get back here! He would hurt me more emotionally and physically. I am safe now and going to stay that way. Thank you for sending me that information, it is one of the best ones for me. I also forwarded it to a few other ones who are dealing with narcissist. Thank you again.

Anonymous says January 16, 2019

I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell people that narcissists feel any type of empathy. They do not. Having good predatory skills and a good eye for detail doesn’t mean they are relating and understanding you. Besides, there are some pretty famous narcs out there with blogs on the subject these days and even they say they feel no empathy and that they don’t understand what we feel. There are creatures in the wild who can camouflage themselves to look like plants. Doesn’t mean they are plants because they can fake looking like one.

    Fonda says April 13, 2020

    Narcs camouflaging themselves on sites as ‘offering help’ is incredible! Thank you for your comments. They serve as a reminder of just how dangerous these chameleon predatory terrorists truly are.

    Thank you Kim and Narc abuse recovery community. Learning I am enough and significant!, and now thriving is so rejuvenating!

Anonymous says January 16, 2019

Thank you for your valuable insights. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for a period of only 9 months but it felt like I’d been destroyed!!
I managed to end it, got a protection order and have been No Contact since I last saw him at our last court hearing 6 months ago. Through therapy I have come to realise that I always seem to choose – or rather they choose me – men with narcissistic personalities. So I’ve decided to remain single…safer that way.

Sunny says January 16, 2019

As soon as I began to set boundaries he disappeared. They can’t take the word no.

Jan says January 15, 2019

I am truly grateful for all the help and enlightenment I get from Kim Saeed and your team. Thank you for the messages which I get to read all of them daily. It has a tremendous impact to my well-being moving forward with my life from a traumatic narcissistic abuse for 12 years.
More power and bless you hearts!

Soulstrings says January 15, 2019

Yes, this is a great article Kim! I’ve been learning about narcissism for the last three years and have recently come to the conclusion that even some of my family members are not as compassionate as I thought. Ahh….the holidays bring out the best in people don’t they? Are they narcs? Not sure, but I am done, done, done with people who don’t respect my boundaries. Or, who lie and gaslight me. I am becoming more aware.
Unfortunately, the lightness in my heart has dimmed imensley. My huge regret was not learning this stuff earlier in my life. After a string of abusive relationships (last two have left me in disrepair ), I can’t help but be hypervigilant about everyone.
Most of my close friends, (thank the sweet lord), ARE my family. And I’m, little by little, regenerating my faith in humanity.
Great, read and very help insight Kim. Thank you.

Kendell says January 15, 2019

This was a great read, I’m getting to the place where I’m realizing more about myself and this truly helped. I had an ex of 4 years that had almost every characteristic you named, and I’m so glad that I woke up one day and chose myself over trying to love and heal someone who wasn’t trying to reciprocate the same thing back. I’m just now getting myself back in the dating world and I’m definitely keeping an eye out for the red flags.

Sibahle says January 15, 2019

This is definitely me, but I’ve already started creating boundaries and have decided to not be apologetic about my needs. If something doesn’t go with me, then it doesn’t. I just need the advice with regards to the baby daddy, I went no contact with him a few weeks ago, I know I’m doing the right thing I’m just not sure how to handle the issue about the kid, because since I blocked him he’s also not getting access to him. Please advice

    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2019

    Hi Sibahle,

    Great job on the No Contact! Regarding your child, that depends. If your ex was not actively pursuing a relationship with your child or being a responsible parent (like, not helping with expenses), then there is no need to include your ex in your child’s life. It would only damage your child’s mental health.

    Hope that helps!


Anonymous says January 15, 2019

It is important to guard your boundaries before it is too late and to have firm boundaries and to do that fearless in an early stage when you see them be aware. Selffocus. Learn to say no. Don”t give them an emotional response. There were people who gave me a good advice like you should be more for your self and also boundaries but i was not always aware of that. That some people van be a magnet to that kind of people. Your trust in people is less than before you met them and it makes you aware. .

Tawnia Martin says January 15, 2019

If this is truly the case then, I’d have to go “NO CONTACT” with almost everyone in my life!

    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2019

    Hi Tawnia,

    Thanks for commenting…do you mean that you have a lot of people in your life who take advantage of your kind nature and exploit your positive traits? If so, then it may be time to shed some of those relationships. But, if you have people in your life who appreciate your goodness and who respect you, then these people deserve to be on the receiving end of your kindness.

    Kim XoXO

Laura Leitner says January 13, 2019

Hi, I am trying to learn how to go no contact with chidren? I’ve been divorced for 6 months and anytime he gets me on the phone (even text) or in person when I met to pick up kids he is at it again. I am so done being abused!
I want to go no contact but how did I when he still gets the children? And that hasnt been going well either. Several times I have almost took him to court for his 6 days a month that he gets the kids. He is very unstable and is also hurting the kids with his anger, over punishing them, expecting them to know better, shaming them and even neglecting them. I am keeping record of his ongoing “abusive behavior” with the kids.

Add Your Reply