How to Deal with a Narcissist

How to Deal With a Narcissist: 11 Mandatory Rules

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Wondering how to deal with a narcissist?

You are not alone.

Many online blogs and support groups for victims of narcissists have sprouted up over the years, as people have realized the damage a narcissist has done in their lives.

All of this online support for victims of narcissism can bring a sigh of relief – phew! I’m not crazy!

But you probably also want practical information.

How do I deal with that narcissist? What do I do? Can I stand up to a narcissist?  Watch the video or read below to find out.

[Before you read on, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my recovery course The Break Free Program to become a bestseller. To check it out, click here. ]

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Dealing with narcissists is challenging. You can’t necessarily outsmart a narcissist, as they tend to be very cunning, manipulative people who are used to getting their way.  

However, you can use smart strategies to deal with the narcissist and mitigate the damages.

Here are a few strategies to deal with the recalcitrant narcissist in your life:

1. Establish and Stick to Boundaries with the Narcissistic Person

We often have this unconscious idea that we are held hostage to anyone who wants to talk to or interact with us. You can and should say no to the narcissist who is being overly demanding of your time.

For example, if a narcissist is hogging up all your time on the telephone, just tell them you need to go. Hang up if you need to. Don’t let them monopolize your life.  In most cases, the best thing to do is block them and don’t allow them to contact you via your cell phone.  

2. Use Empathic Validation if You Need to Confront a Narcissist

“Empathic validation” is a fancy way of saying, butter up your criticism with a compliment first. In fact, criticism (for anyone) is often best accepted in a sandwich form – compliment, constructive criticism, compliment.

This is especially important when dealing with narcissists because they perceive everything as an insult, even when none was intended.

3. Avoid Sharing Too Much Information with the Narcissist

The acronym “TMI” (Too Much Information) is often said jokingly when someone discloses some personal info that may be a bit too personal. But remind yourself that “TMI” with a narcissist is just about anything personal because the narcissist can and will use that against you.

For example, let’s say you share with a narcissistic person that you were fired from a job once due to inputting the wrong information into a computer. The narcissist is likely to bring that up again, often in a nasty way, say, each time you use a computer. Or, worse, they will bring it up in front of a person you are trying to obtain a job from.

Never assume that any of your personal struggles will be treated with care by the narcissist.  In fact, sharing anything with them where you are seeking compassion or validation will likely cause them to disappear on you (i.e., the Silent Treatment).

4. Don’t Make the Mistake of Assuming the Narcissist Cares

Don’t ever assume that the narcissist has genuine feelings or cares. This can be one of the toughest realizations for a kind, caring person. It can be very hard to believe that another human being is really that cold and calculating. We have a tendency to go into denial about this sort of thing. But just try to drill this into your head: Narcissists really don’t care.

5. No Drama! Let the Narcissist’s Games Roll Off Your Back

Narcissists are experts at games and drama. The extremely talented narcissist goes even a step further – they stir up the drama, and then sit back, above it all, acting like they had nothing to do with it.

For example, a narcissistic mother would stir up a rivalry and animosity between two sisters. She’d say one thing to sister one, and then another thing to sister two. Then you, as sibling #3, gets put in the middle.

If you confront the mother about this, she’ll deny that she had anything to do with the drama, and then act all aggrieved that you’d even suggest she’d do such a “horrible thing.”

Try not to get sucked into games like this.

6. Don’t Second Guess Yourself with a Narcissist

You don’t need to justify yourself to the narcissist. But, that’s the game they are going to play with you. It’s all about making you doubt yourself and your perceptions.

What narcissists typically engage in is an insidious psychological technique called “gaslighting.”

On a very simple level, it goes like this:

The narcissist does something selfish, and you confront them about it. The narcissist then twists this event around to make it sound like you were the selfish one.

Narcissists are experts at reframing reality in a way that makes them look good and you look bad.

While it can be infuriating and confusing, don’t fall for it. Stick to your guns.

7. Remember: With a Narcissist, It’s Not Personal and Never Was

With a narcissist, you really truly are just a pawn in the game of life to them. And, if it wasn’t you who took their abuse, it would have been someone else. While this may be cold comfort, do try to remember that you didn’t do anything wrong. There is nothing inherently wrong with you or bad about you if you have been the victim of a narcissist’s abuse.

8. Do a Reality Check After the Narcissist Spins a Story

Narcissists are typically liars, and not only that, they are usually good liars. Part of the reason for this is that they don’t feel guilt in the way other people do.

So, when the narcissist tells you something (particularly about someone else) that is very upsetting, take a deep breath. It may not be true at all!

Check the veracity of the statement before being sucked into the drama (remember our story about the narcissistic mom).

9. Don’t Try to One-Up the Narcissist

One of the worst things you can do with a narcissist is to try to beat them at their own game. Don’t show off with the narcissist. Don’t brag, preen, or otherwise try to make yourself look good in front of the narcissist.

Narcissists are the kings and queens of self-aggrandizement. If you try to compete with them on that level, you may end up feeling like a loser.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should act like a wilted flower and just slink around when the narcissist is in view. Work on having a healthy self-esteem and try to be as natural as possible.

10. Get Away from the Narcissist

While this may not be feasible for the short-term, if you can, consider separating yourself from the narcissist as much as possible.

If you are still married to the narcissist and have children, consider the long-term effects of emotional abuse on the kids. It may be best if you leave.

Get time away from them as much as possible so you can center yourself and get back in touch with reality.

11. Ignore the Narcissist – That’ll Really Get ‘Em

Narcissists thrive on triggering reactions from people. This is how they gain power over you – while you lose control.

So, when the narcissist goes on the attack, one of the most effective ways to deal with it is to just ignore them. This can be challenging, as narcissists have an intuitive way of pushing buttons in people. Deep breathing and stress reduction techniques can help you keep your cool.

heal from abuse
Keeping Your Cool Around a Narcissist

You may have noticed a theme with the recommendations for dealing with a narcissist. That theme, in a nutshell, is:


Sometimes, the best way to stand up to a narcissist is to simply remain calm.

In general, you’ll do best if you can reduce your emotional reactions to the narcissist in question.

This can be very challenging, however, as the garden-variety narcissist is typically an expert in pushing buttons. They seem to have a superpower that allows them to know just what will trigger a reaction in the people around them.

In order to keep your cool, you will need to work on yourself.

There are many different ways to do this, including seeking help from a therapist or pursuing self-help strategies.

Mind/body techniques such as meditation and yoga can be extremely helpful in reducing the temptation to react to a narcissist’s antics.

You can also consider joining a support group, where you can commiserate with other victims of narcissists. This is especially helpful if you are dealing with a narcissist who specializes in gaslighting, i.e., making you think you are the one to blame for everything, when it’s really them.

The Narcissist in Your Life Does Not Have to Define You

Fortunately, the more you practice “not reacting” to the narcissist in question, the better you’ll get at it.

Soon, you will learn how to deal with the narcissist without that person ruling your life. The path won’t always be easy, and you will have moments where you slip up and lose your cool.

But take heart – it can and will get better.

Are you tired of dealing with narcissists and energy vampires?

Check out my groundbreaking recovery course The Break Free Program

You will get practical training and exercises to help you live abuse- and narcissist-free – create better boundaries – and even get a leg up on the narcissist in your life.  (Therapists are referring their own clients to this program!)

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Leave a Comment:

LINDA KNANISHU says August 28, 2023


Elina says August 28, 2023

Try me;)

Never loose your 😎

Be brave. Tell nothing. Smile.

‘Who are you?’ I dont know you?’ I have no time for this. What are you even talkin about?’ Oh dear, you are mistaking, you have the wrong person.

Stay home comfortable. Dont go out hungry or angry.

Be glad be simple. Be grey when possible.

Create your life. Day by Day.

They are going circles. They are actors and not even very good ones. People around them change. The social club never stop. Its all insane.

Little children lost in a fairy tale.

Truth is letting go.

Let them be right.

You. Be wise. Be brave.

One Day. You feel it.


They cant take that away.

But be quiet.

Be like an orchid.

Seek the Light. Clean you space. Go forward when you are ready.

Vera Owens says August 28, 2023

Wonderful information so helpful.I was a victim and did not know it in college.I’m so thankful for this information.

Monica says March 22, 2023

Thanks. Very informative and guiding article
It will help me

Lipegr says July 6, 2022

I had to go further than Grey rock. It’s not enough to pretend you’re unaffected. You have to BE unaffected. For me that meant dealing with the ptsd and erasing the triggers. I’ve been 5 years in therapy with EMDR. And now my dad can insult me all he wants and it truly doesn’t trigger me.

Shayela says July 6, 2022

Thank you so much for the amazing articles, they have helped me so much.
Having a narcissist daughter is so traumatising.

Pasha says July 5, 2022

Excellent piece and great advice!

Juanita M Jones says July 5, 2022

Thanks so much for your support & information. I have become so empowered, aware, and enlightened. I have gone no contact, grey-rocked, and show indifference, to, for and with the narc SO. He’s as worthless to me as a dead rodent, insect, or? on the sole of my shoe. The narc can’t obtain supply or control to which, they can’t attach to or seek their fangs into. I have become, an illusion, mirage and/or ghost. I’m here, but not here. PRICELESS & REWARDING!!! Front-row seats to the narc’s destruction, eroding, and unraveling!!!

Diana says July 5, 2022

Thank you so much Kim for your strong emphasis and advice to go completely no contact.
Years ago I dated a guy who I am sure has NPD.
I broke up with him after dating for the summer. He followed me up to college. I wish I had known about boundaries back then.
He had me feeling sorry for him.
I ended up working cleaning houses to pay for rent and food for both of us.
I found out later that he was a sex and love addict who was bisexual and was bringing men and women back to the apartment when I was at school or working.
When I confronted him about his actions later and said I felt used sexually and financially, he went full on flip and attack mode.
He went full on about how it was my fault and attacked me.
That is when I truely understood that he was a narcissist.
He unleaded a tremendous amount of rage on me. Even though I understood what was happening because I’d been reading about narcissists it was still a frightening experience.
I had at times tried befriending on occasions over the years but that was when I realized the importance of going absolutely no contact.
Thank you for all your advice and help.

"Lee" says November 10, 2021

I would like to start by saying that I appreciate your blogs, articles and the work that you do. You are an inspiration.

I’m 39 years old. I am a HSP(highly sensitive person)/ Empath and I unfortunately have been dealing with the 27 year old narc in my life for 5 years now. The abuse, (emotional, psychological, and physical) all started as soon as we went from being friends to “being in a relationship” (manipulationship) which resulted from him announcing to me that he was “claiming” me. I have been trying to separate myself from him pretty much the entire five years but it has been impossible due to the fact that I am homeless. He is homeless as well and he refuses to leave me alone. I have tried shelters and other people have tried to intervene and ultimately given up due to the discard/lovebomb cycle and the ridiculous amount of chances I have given him. The police aren’t
any help with the fact that my once clean record has been tarnished from being forced into doing illegal activities for him. I am seen as a criminal while the truth is that I am being controlled by one.

I used to be strong, I used to have confidence and self respect, and now, along with many traumatic experiences since ending up on the streets, I don’t know who I am anymore. I am so close to the edge that it scares me…. he has me feeling so trapped that I sometimes feel as though there is only one way out…. He has even stated that the only way if ever be able to leave him is in a body-bag.

I have read a lot of your articles and I have tried to put the advice into practice but it’s almost like he is prepared for it. Like he is always one step ahead of me. I am curious as to whether the boot camp holds the secret to finally escaping this torture… I wish with all my being I could take the course but I don’t have any money…. My question is: Is there much in the boot camp that I can’t find in your other articles? Is there any way I could find the same information without the fee? Are there any other resources available that may help me learn how to basically save my own life and avoid this situation from repeating itself in the future? Anything would be much appreciated. Thank you for your time.?

Juanita M Jones says November 10, 2021

Thanks so much for your article. Very informative & enlightening. I use all of what you said to stay 5 steps ahead of the narc. It’s so rewarding to watch narc unwind, become unhinged & have no supply or energy from me. He’s less than a dead roach on the bottom of my shoe. Priceless!!!

Lori says November 10, 2021

Thank you for reminding me about the concept of having hope. Today I believe that such a thing exists

    Kim Saeed says November 11, 2021

    I am so glad to know you remembered about ‘hope’. Sending hugs.


Juanita Jones says April 21, 2021

Thank you for all the information on narcissistic types. Helped me to deal with their abusive traits. I’m stronger & they no longer have control over me. That is wonderful.

    Kim Saeed says April 23, 2021

    I’m glad you found the article helpful, Juanita. Thank you so much for stopping by 🙂


JP says April 21, 2021

All narc info says that if you are no longer available to be the scapegoat or their abuse victim they will move onto someone else. I went low (almost no) contact with my mother almost 3 years ago, yet I am still her scapegoat and the one time a year I have to have contact over her trust (I’m trustee and have to email her the tax info for her taxes) she attacks me viciously for months of emails. I’m certain she hasn’t moved over the someone else. I’m in my early 60s, she’s 93. She’s not ever going to move on to another target for her cruelty.

You say “it’s not personal” but I feel it is since she’s never switched to anyone else no matter how little contact I have with her. How can one not take it personally if the person never moves on to another victim?

Jamie O. says April 20, 2021

I am currently dealing with a narcissist. The last 4 years have been nothing short of a nightmare! I had no idea what was going on until my now best friend but at the time she was a cashier at the gas station said “he’s gas lighting you”. I came open immediately looked up the word and now have figured out that I’m not crazy…and this is what I’m dealing with. I greatly appreciate more then you’ll ever know your emails and all the helpful stuff that’s been provided Kim! I wasn’t working because I was taking care of his mother … oh no I wasn’t working because he didn’t want me to have money and be independent. I just got a job that he’s not going to know about and as soon as I can I am out of here!

Vicky Kirksey says April 20, 2021

You have really helped me in the last couple months. I will be forever thankful! I did not know what a narcissist was until recently. My soon to be ex husband should win a medal in narcissism! Thank you for your support!

    Kim Saeed says April 23, 2021

    It’s truly my pleasure and honor, Vicky. Wishing you all the best as you continue to heal ❤


Ishmael says April 5, 2021

Thank you Kim. Always appreciate your deep insights and instructive expertise. Budget permitting, will certainly embark on the Break Free Boot Camp.

Chris says November 24, 2020

I keep stumbling into more and more facts about my Ex Wife who did me dirty in our divorce 2 years ago. She falsely accused me of many terrible things and ran me into the ground emotionally causing multiple breakdowns. She’s also been calling me a narcissist the whole time which is aggravating to say the least as I was in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist at the time and asked if it was possibly the case. They both said that I have depression and cptsd. Anyway my wife apparently was in a BDSM group before our 6 year relationship and immediately after. She also cheated with ex bf who was in that group.

My point is that my life was blown apart by her and her associates and I’m damaged goods now yet she’s apparently making money playing a victims advocate and survivor! I hate that she is still using me even after using me the entire marriage, taking me for everything I owned and still now taking my reputation and self worth! Just venting I guess but damn will it ever stop?

Linda C. Mitchell says November 23, 2020

Do you recommend or have your own support group that I can belong to? Sometimes need to vent to someone/ anyone!

Lisa Gordon says July 23, 2020

This is a really helpful and powerful blog. I have been away from my narc for 7 months, but it has been almost 2 years since the discard. I have been gray rock since the discard. Recently, something happened to kick up horrible anxiety in me and this came to my email and it is exactly what I needed to hear to re-enforce what I have been doing these past 7 months. Thank you very much for these words. They DO HELP tremendously.

Anonymous says March 1, 2020

Hi Kim, I really get a lot of help from reading your articles.
What do you do if the narcissist doesn’t get it or just expects everything to carry on as normal?
Also, is anyone else feeling guilty about wanting to leave and why do we feel this way?
My husband doesn’t respect my boundaries that I have set up after 31 years of constant verbal, emotional and physical abuse as well as his sex addiction which was cheating on me with prostitutes. I stayed and stayed because of kids and because I am dependent on him financially. Although he doesn’t really provide. Since I told him I want a divorce and am not giving him yet another chance he has gotten behind on the rent where I stay with my one adult son. My husband comes “home” now and again and then tries love bombing and guilt tripping me. The love bombing does not work anymore, but I feel guilty for wanting to make him leave. I don’t love him anymore, he killed my love with his cheating and lies. Now I just want him to leave me alone and he doesn’t want to. He told the lawyer to stop divorce proceedings because he doesn’t want to divorce and it’s too expensive. Also that he gives me a week to file or he is moving back in permanently. I don’t have finances for that. I just want him gone so that I can find myself and have peace,but I can’t get out. My son can’t afford his own place on his salary as well. Really don’t know what to do.

Michael says February 29, 2020

I do plan to take the course but currently I am unemployed and money is not available. I do however have a question. It’s been 3 months since my sociopathic girlfriend (yes, she was diagnosed at the age of 12) and I ended the relationship. I have had “no contact” with her. Now the question. How long does it normally take to recover? The depression is horrible and I can not move forward. Help!

    Maya says April 23, 2021

    Why not take her course and program it will help you heal

Lucy D says January 20, 2020

Excellent advice! And for those with CPTSD: don’t feel guilty because you can’t stop emotional flashbacks around toxic people. Forgive yourself and make allowance for your trauma injuries – you have nothing to be ashamed of. No contact, as Kim says in her other posts, is the most effective way of dealing with narcissists, and that is especially true if you have CPTSD.

    Tracy James says February 27, 2020

    I have cptsd I was recently discarded by a covert narcissist sociopath,I’m having alot of overthinking. And anxiety

Tammy says January 14, 2020

Not only have i been in a 13 yr relationship with a narcissist after reading more i have realized my own sister and mother are both narcissist as well! No wonder i stayed as long as i have. I have been surrounded by them my whole life. I am generally a very strong person and don’t let others cause me to question myself

mo says November 26, 2019

many thx for these information ,it saved my life ,how do we spread the word,may God continue to bless ya and help u with the necessary resources to spread the word

Sandy says November 25, 2019

Kim what do I do if. My mom is the main. Narcisist in my life?
My ex has begun turning the tables like Im the bad person. He has blocked me every where and Im feeling like he thinks Im a narcisist and hes doing to me what he learning. So confussed.
Meanwhile stuck living at moms after having multiple strokes and high bp.even hospitalized for both. Someone mentioned the physical affects. Mu first ER visit my bp was 250 over 180. The staff were freaking out but yes it takes its toll on our health.that was in 2017 and Just in september 2018 had strokes and working hard taking meds following dr. Orders

Martina says November 25, 2019

Thanks for sharing. Sad to read. I send you strength and love! I am leaving now, at 45. Hope my children will understand. I really think and hope your children will get back in contact when they see you left the narcisisist.

Terry says November 25, 2019

This makes so much sense, but I wonder if you could talk more about having a narcissistic mom? I have children of my own now, but there are so many aspects of NPD in my mom- that I only see now when I look back, and how she still treats me now! Many thanks.

    Kim Saeed says November 27, 2019

    I’ll put it on my list, Terry! XoXo

Barbara Ashton says November 24, 2019

Thank you! I have been reading your emails for several years. If I had known what you have shared I wouldn’t be 71 in middle of divorce. From the domestic violence shelter in 1999 it has been devestating. He told our children he would kill himself if I divorced hi m because he would have to sell our house(which we physically built along with sub contractors in 1979). I knew 99.9% he wouldn’t but our youngest 100% believed him. My two other children were terrified. And now at 71 I am struggling with the fallout. Haven’t heard from our children or my granddaughters for a year. Divorce is going too slow (1 year since met with my attorney). He has resources to drag this out indefinitely. Thank You

KAREN says November 24, 2019

Every day your posts make sense, I’ve been following you for two years, the only people who understand what we go through are the thousands of people who are in the same boat, it’s been a horrific 2 years but with your help I’m getting there and I am so grateful to know that I’m not alone, so I thankyou every day from the bottom of my heart❤️Xx

    Cynthia Kolis says December 4, 2019

    Hi Karen, I have been fighting my battle for over two years, well actually 60 years. It was not until February 2017 that I found the term for this toxic behavior, narcissistic! Wow, people can not understand it until they were to live it themselves. My experience is with my mother and my only sibling, a sister three years older than me. My life has been “horrific!” I am thankful too for all that I read to guide me and to validate that it is not me. This is a battle I fight off so often. Best wishes to you and everyone who is suffering! oxox

Mara says July 9, 2019

I was actually looking for the physical medical health problems with living with a NARCISSISTIC PARTNER! Apart from all the health issues I have which are many, I didn’t find any info on extremely high blood pressure that this partner couldn’t care less about. Where can I get some answers????

Phil says July 9, 2019

I have known two guys who are narcissists.They are not handsome people who love to look at themselves in a mirror nor are they highly intelligent. I would say just average intelligence.Sometimes we kick ourselves for not seeing them for what they are a lot sooner, this can make us feel that the Narcissist outsmarted us.Not true, you just gave them the benefit of the doubt until you were sure what was going on.The two narcissist I knew were NOT super intelligent guys, just average.You just have to educate yourself how your going to make your no contact work.

    Natasha Simon says July 10, 2019

    I agree

Ginny says July 9, 2019

I’m at a crossroads. My passive-aggressive spouse, I’m seeing his covert narc-ness. It’s a new revelation after a series of events would open my eyes!
I could never overcome the problems no matter how much i changed. I’ve lived 22 yrs of feeling “not enough” nothing i do is enough. In all these years my spouse has never defended my honor to his family and allowed his children and ex wife to run my kids and I over, again and again. My spouse has no relationship with his kids and very little with his own family of origin. Which I’m positive I’m blamed for that. I see completely that I’ve taken responsibility of mending the family, taken responsibility for his moods and made excuses for his behavior and lack of response. Looking for answers I blamed myself, it must be me!
But now I see it so differently. He has driven my life to a place that I’ve lost who I am. He has a “poor me” attitude that he has projected on me for years. He feels sooo sorry for himself. He has lied, exaggerated events, struggled with porn on and off……you know “the cycle”. I’ve been stone walled, given silence treatment and felt the resentment in the room so thick, you could cut it with a knife. For years I was resented and even for my relationship with God, if you can even imagine that. All the while I was always trying to do better, be better, look better. It’s never enough for the longevity, only the short term. I see clearly what a covert narcissist is and I’ve been living the life of an emotionally abused wife for 22 years. I have had enough.

    Gloria South says September 5, 2019

    Congratulations. I was ghosted on Christmas by my husband of 23 years. He left with a woman from Russian and her kids as spent my money while with them. I’m chronically ill and was stupefied. Your husband sounds very much like mine…lying, exaggerating and the porn. I knew about it vaguely but tried not to give it much thought until one day 2 months before he left, he handed me his device to supposedly proof his resume he’d worked on all day at the local library. Nope, no library and no resume. Only online dating sites (barely phased me) where he was searching for women with kids. I found that odd as I didn’t yet get it…until I found the truly disturbing and excruciating images….thinking of those 8-12 yr old girls and what they must be going through broke my heart. The photos have gotten much worse/perverse since then as he’s hacking me and trying to plant evidence, I that I know the whole story I no longer love him. I’d never waste another minute with such a lowlife.

    You will get better. It’s so very hard at the beginning and after over two decades, it’s as they are a body part or something. I felt sick and numb for months.

    But one day, my feelings for him, other than hatred, were gone. Completely. I’m sure it must have come from studying Narcissists, as I’m all alone and didn’t have anything else. Survivors are a wonderful community.

    Be well. Sending you strength, love and light. Your best days are ahead.

    Shayla says September 29, 2019

    We are one in the same. I’ve also have had enough. Where do we start?

      Ely says November 26, 2019

      Do the bootcamp but also check out Along with this blog its the best resource I’ve found.

    frank says July 24, 2020

    Hello Ginny,

    Me too, 22 years with a person I loved and still love.

    She got cpatured by a sect. Google it, Camaras sagradas.

    We have an 8 year old, beautiful , intelligent little girl.

    We built a passive solar house together. We shared many things, until the sect leader slithered into our lives.

    Now, it’s lawyers, judges who always side with the woman, and problems, frustration and anxiety.

    I hope you are well.

    Can either of us ever find another person to trust and share our lives? I don’t know.

Anonymous says June 24, 2019

I appreciate that I was in a more fortunate situation in that I have my own home and could retreat to my home when things got really bad (mostly under a duvet and a bottle of wine sadly) although I spent most of my time at his cleaning, cooking, running everything and his business. Anyway, just wanted to say that I’m 3 years out of a 10 year relationship and have regained my health mostly. It is shocking the level to which as a co-dependent type, I put this person before myself as I misunderstood being controlled as someone I liked wanting me. With hindsight now, I am “grateful” to have gone through this experience as I’ve learnt to cope, dealt with most of my core weaknesses from childhood and dealing with the rage at myself for allowing ANYONE to treat me this way. Once you can mentally disentangle yourself from this person, you really do see how pitiful they are and how scary their disordered mental illness is. We are so much luckier than they are, we get to feel love, hope, joy, sadness etc which they never can. “Mine” used to look at me so enviously when i was laughing, I could never figure that out, until I understood.

    Kim Saeed says June 24, 2019

    Thank you so much for sharing. I, too, am grateful for my experiences with narcissistic abuse. While they were painful to go through, they helped me grow in ways I otherwise wouldn’t have.

    Kim XoXo

      Natasha Simon says July 10, 2019

      This is true.
      Same with me

    CC says July 5, 2022

    Hi, I go back and forth in my mind wondering …. is this really a MENTAL illness, or is it more like a SPIRITUAL illness. Maybe a little bit of both, but I see it as more of a spiritual illness that maybe came from a long time type of mental illness from childhood or young adulthood. But I think, for the most part it wasn’t even there until you encountered your own narc, at which point everything changed after the love bombing was over.

    Since these people all seem to have gone to the SAME NARC SCHOOL:), because they all think alike, act alike, and come in various degrees of evil, I think there is more to this than “mental illness.” I think they are being inspired to do what they do by either Satan himself, or his demons. The very fact that they do not feel NORMAL POSITIVE human emotions like love, compassion, guilt, etc, actually makes me wonder if at least some of them are not even totally human!! They do have some human emotions, but seemingly only the negative ones, like hate, anger, spewing vitriol, ENJOYING being sadistic to their victims, and actually feeding off of them.
    If they are human, they certainly are NOT NORMAL humans. The fact that they have the inability to truly love is also telling to me. May I quote a scripture, “He that has love has God; he who does not have love has NOT God.” They have not love, and so they have not God. So who or what DO they have? As I previously stated, I think they have something very, very evil inside of them, and they ENJOY IT. They do not change, because they enjoy so much watching their victims suffer. I think it gives them a feeling of SECURITY, which they, by nature, do not have either. Sometimes I think that all of the bullying and horrible things they do are to COMPENSATE for their weaknesses and insecurity. They seem to think that when they bully people, & then sit back and say to themselves, “See how smart I am – look at that stupid person who has allowed me to do this to them,” it gives them a very SICK sense of power, and there is NO WAY they are going to give up this power, because INSIDE, they are DARK, EMPTY, and basically worthless people, but they want to APPEAR as though they are “Superior, always smarter than everybody else in the room, always better than everybody else, always “superior” in every way to any and all people present” and they want everybody to “know this,” and even more to “acknowledge it” by complementing them, praising them, or in some way acknowledging their “superiority.”

    However, if they DO NOT get this praise, or acknowledgement, then ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE – at least INSIDE of them, and somebody MUST BE PUNISHED, and chances are that “somebody” is YOU, if you have the misfortune to be the victim of one of these monsters.

    My son has lived with one of these monsters for over 23 years, and I cannot begin to even lightly explain the EVIL that she has done to him, or how much he has suffered for NOTHING. He happens to be an empath, a good, sweet, empathetic person, who will do just about anything for anybody that is good and helpful, and the narcs see that as WEAKNESS, and every time he has been at his lowest point, THEN is when she really gives it her all, and does the most evil things she can think of.

    If you are with one of these monsters, please get out if you can. They will completely ruin your life if you don’t, and I know that many already are trapped by threats if they leave, by blackmail in some cases, by alienation of their kids from them, and so they are between a rock and a hard place if they feel like leaving, because maybe they don’t want to leave their kids with this monster, and/or they are financially trapped, and cannot afford to leave, and the situation almost always just seems impossible.

    This is just my opinion, but your best bet is KIM and God.
    Kim has the “earthly” answers, and God has the divine answers, and many times you think He isn’t listening. I have been praying for 15 years that my son can get out of his situation, and some things have changed, but he is still suffering horribly, and sometimes my faith gets weak, but let’s face it – DO WE HAVE ANYTHING ELSE better that God to go to?

    Kim and her information are totally AWESOME and SPOT ON, but maybe sometimes, even somebody higher is needed on this horrific journey.

    God bless all of you, and my heart cries for you – may you be delivered from these monsters soon. All of this is just my .02 cents and my opinion. I am not any kind of expert, other than I have read about 10-15 books on narcissism, read many of Kim’s wonderful articles, and lived with a couple of narcs myself, but the worst of all of it was and still is having to watch my son and grandson SUFFER so much for NO LEGITIMATE reason at all – he just happened to be conned, (like all of us were), by
    an EVIL, EVIL worthless person, who only wanted to use us and hurt us from day one.

    May all of you be delivered from these people, and get your lives back. Kim can really help – just read the reviews.

    Thank you

Mary beth says June 10, 2019

Everyday is a stiuggle for me after being with a narcissist for 35 years, married to him for 27 years. Your words of wisdom are so on point and come when I need them most. I have to remind myself that he doesn’t care and he would have done this to anyone, it is hard on my adult children and my extended family. He totally blindsided us all and as a result our lives will never be the same. In the midst of exposing my husband my mother was suffering with a terminal disease and she passed a year and a half later but he had no concern or empathy for her. She loved him like a son. I am only happy that she did not know how cruel and evil he really is. I am going through a tough divorce and he is impossible to deal with. I don’t have the money to keep fighting and he knows that. He is a master manipulator, a pathological liar and a drug addict.
With gratitude for your insight and encouragement.
Love Mary Beth

    Nancy Ray says February 27, 2020

    Oh Mary Beth,
    It’s been several months since you posted this. I hope so much thar you can get the divorce and at least have that done. I discovered when I was 66 that my hateful, abusive husband was living (in his words) at least three parallel lives–one with me for 35 years, another with mistresses and women for quick sex, and he had been having anonymous sex with men all his life.
    I was so devastated that it took me two full years to begin to understand what I was dealing with. Finally I no longer even saw him as human: he was a being that looked like a person, but he was pure evil. The most stunning part is that until this was revealed, I thought I was in love with him! In the end, I was lucky; he died of prostate cancer. It’s the only way I could have ever gotten away from him. He would have stalked me the rest of my life.
    I’m grateful to be free, finally, at 74 years old.
    Best wishes to all

Judy says June 9, 2019

Kim you tell it how it is. I thank you

7 Signs You're Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says January 28, 2019

[…] know the rules regarding ‘How to Deal With a Narcissist‘ and you follow them without looking for loopholes as to why you can’t.  You fight the […]

Georgia says November 15, 2018

I’m very new to all of this. My boyfriend who is a narcissist, has been in prison for 4 years now. He has 2 more year’s left. We have been together for 12 year’s. When I first started doing research on him being a narcissist, I cried. I cried because I could never explain to anyone what I’m going through mentally or emotionally. I could never explain why I’m still with him. Until I started reading about this. I cried because I found alot of answers to my many questions he could never answer. It was all right in front of me like it was telling my story. I cried because I was relieved that someone knew exactly what I was going through and I cried because it really broke my heart even more to know they will never change. I journaled alot throughout our relationship. Book after book. I saw who he really was year 6. He changed overnight, no lying here. He stayed in bed for days. When he finally got up it was like he was a whole new person. For the next 2 years I stayed in shock because each day was worse then the day before. I was in a nightmare that just wouldn’t end. We have a 8 year old daughter who was very young when the abuse happened and then he went to prison for things he was doing away from the home and from us. She looks fwd to him getting out. They have established a established a decent relationship. She can’t wait for us to be a family. She cries for him. I love him but I hate him just the same. I don’t have anyone to talk too. We live in a very small town. It would be great to aquire some new friends going through this too. I could really use the support. It’s the holidays and I’ve become very very depressed. Thank you georgia

Shirley Akpelu says November 8, 2018

The hardest thing for me to do is keep cool. The narc knows my weaknesses and which buttons to trigger to get me going. Even when I keep my mouth shut, the narc would pick at me until I blew up and I was out of control. He was in control. But thank the Almighty,we have separated for going on three years and no contact is wonderful! I have been given the silent treatment for going on three years, but if all the narc does is lie, why even talk to him? The silent treatment is good in this case. I can now focus on more important things, getting a divorce, setting up credit union account and affordable housing with everything that was stolen from me and then some. HalleluYah! Thank you Kim for your wisdom and insight.

K says November 8, 2018

I’m amazed how much I can relate with all of this. I am truly stuck. My husband has lied and cheated on me many times and we have kids. He would always blame me for cheating.. and at first I believed it. As years go by I see through what he’s doing. I gave up a career to raise my kids. I do work now, but I don’t make enough as I use to and I want to focus on my kids.. not my career. I feel like it’s a trade off and I don’t want to sacrifice my time with my kids. Is anyone else in the same situation?

Alexis says November 8, 2018

These are all well and good, but sometimes ignoring the narc can really piss them off and they can go into a rage. I ignored one that used to work for me and a few months later he came back and broke into my house and caused a lot of damage. Some of them are violent and willing to risk consequences to get revenge. Stay safe out there.

    Gloria South says September 5, 2019

    I wholeheartedly agree. Also, they are vengeful beyond imagination. I supported mine financially for almost 23 years, he left me owing me $500k, a chunk of it stolen from my bank acct/inheritance, leaving me destitute. . Yet he manipulated people and events so i was evicted from my home, costing he and I twelve times more than the rent would have cost.

    After buying him BMWs, a motorcycle, paying for everything and on and on, the SOB actually put me on the street..

    I’m very ill. I thought I had Lyme, then MS but now I can no longer walk, and vision and hearing are almost gone and I’m in excruciating pain. They think it’s ALS.

    I hope Karma and Lady Justice know his address.

    Best to everyone.

Tio says November 8, 2018

Self focus. They have a fear to be exposed. Don”t give them munition or don’t give any emotional respons and stay indifferent. That victimidentity and controlfreakery. You are not more then a disposible wallet and a doormat to them. There are alo men who are abused by a former girlfriend ex. It goes for your wellbeing and sanity. They cry when they can”t get any supply. The narcissist manifactures problems and difficulties and an exitplan to break free must be done deleberately and careful. It is said that traumabonding can be eve more addictive then black tar heroin. maybe a specialized guide can get advice and it is custom work . You see everybody as bad and are suspicious of the motives of people and fear conspracy working against you behind your back with power and control. Some say that you must go with healthy people and it is if they are saying that you were intentionally seeking unhealthy people. If you knew that it was a narcissist you”ve been shocked. Narcissist are sick people and you can”t compare with that. .

Nikki says November 8, 2018

You make it sound so easy to leave. I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years. I cant work due to illness. HE controls all the finances and if I tried to leave I’m sure he’d do things like hide money (his accountant is just as shady as he is). I had student loans from before the marriage which he said he’d pay off, but to date not a single payment has been made. So if I left, I’d have no income, lots of debt, and 3 hungry mouths to feed. He’s managed to convince my family that I’m the crazy one, so I doubt they’d help. I really don’t see a way out. I’d have to take my kids out of private school and then what? Live on public assistance? All while he owns houses and businesses that he completely controls. It isn’t fair at all they he used me so completely and walks away better off than he was before.

    J says June 9, 2019

    Just get out with your kids. Money doesn’t buy peace and respect for yourself. It’s hard to go but harder to stay x

    Susan says July 10, 2019

    I’m in the process of leaving a narcissist after 43 years of marriage, so have been reading a lot about the subject. One good question to ask yourself is would you be staying with him if he all of a sudden became homeless tomorrow? I’m going to lose a lot of security, but decided that my self respect was more valuable. I’d rather be poor and be able to hold my head up than stay and lose my sense of self.

      Gloria South says September 5, 2019

      Wow. That is strength on steroids.

      Much respect.

      Bonnie says November 25, 2019

      I too was married for 38 years together 40. I had no idea what a narcissist was until I got on the internet. I just knew that when I caught him cheating for the hundredth time , with a “ woman” 20 years younger. He said she was his soul mate and the love of his life? Our daughter said , you are not a door mat Mom, grow a spine! I left , it nearly killed me but I did it . And I went to a good divorce attorney. I got half of everything and he got the Ho! Now I am remarried and learning what real love feels like.
      I have breast cancer, and my family has been my support along with my new husband. I would never have had that if I had never left my loser EX husband. The scars he gave my kids and I are never healed but as long as I don’t contact him , my heart is whole and I am back to being my happy, funny , strong, and worthy self. Remember, THEY lost the best thing they ever had, there will be no one else like you ever again in their horrible little lives!

      Anonymous says November 25, 2019

      I agree susan been getting stronger and smarter everyday Im away. Its not glamorous and a lil embarassi ng but gives me faith in my self more and more . im able to be alone more and spend less time wanting to committ suiside.

      Dana says December 3, 2019

      What a great way to look at the situation! I struggle everyday with leaving my abuser. We have 4 kids and are financially comfortable. He hides money and travels 22 days out of the month. I can’t figure out where the cash all goes but I stopped working a year ago after I found out his affair with my co-worker/best friend. Now he has me completely where he wants me. The notion that is he were homeless tomorrow would I stay really puts it into perspective for me. Thank you so much!

      Bernadette says March 1, 2020

      Hi Susan, I hope you left and are feeling better today without the narcissist in your life. I have been married for 31 years and have been trying to leave. I don’t work and don’t k what I will do, but I I just want out. The thing is he doesn’t seem to get it. He minimizes his cheating and thinks if he tells me he loves me and that he is really going to change this time it will work. He d understand that I am finished and am not invested in the sham of a marriage anymore. Just want to know if you managed to escape. I really hope you did. X

    Sandy says November 25, 2019

    When I left All I had was a car. Had to ask the church to find housing for my daughter who was starting her senior year of highschool. Toughest decision I ever made but after 10 years she had lost most of the respect she had for me already. Our kids sit back watching all of this unfolding as we try to find our strength to leave then find a means to survive. Afterward. I have lived in and out of my car avoiding the other narcist in my life. I was always very close to my girls but as they get on their own they look at me like Im an idiot.

Ashley says August 15, 2018

I have heard from so many wonderful ladies who have reached out to help me. I am blessed to have found such lovely people willing to let me vent and be blunt about what goes on in the privacy of my home.
Thank you gals for the much needed “shoulder” to cry on.
I’m not out yet but am making progress. I applied for a job and hope to save enough money to leave with our 3 small children before he gets the chance to discard us.
Thank you again for your hope, help and prayers!

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Anna Nim says July 20, 2018

Back when my exNarc was pitting the other girl against me during our “back together” phase, she & I actually talked & figured out The Game (thanks to stumbling on Kim’s site!). I was still hooked, (of course) and was crying to her, “I am so afraid she will leave me..” She said to me (even though she also was broken hearted & still “in love” with the narc too), “I think the real fear is; what if she doesn’t…”. Oh, snap. What if she doesn’t indeed…Once your eyes are open, it is only a matter of time!

Oh. Snap.

Katie says April 22, 2018

My ex is a narcissist. We have shared parenting of our boys. He still gets to me by badmouthing me to my boys and the small town we live in. I have many medical problems and have not been able to go back to work. I don’t know what career path to choose now. I was a cat scan tech. I’m very concerned of the effect this is all having on my boys and need help to help them. I wasn’t sure this is where I’m supposed to be in order to get the help my family desperately needs.

    Kim Saeed says April 30, 2018

    You could try going to your local Domestic Violence center and getting a case manager. They will likely be able to provide you with some resources to get you and your children into counseling.

Katie Eckstein says April 22, 2018

My ex is a narcissist. We have shared parenting of our boys. He still gets to me by badmouthing me to my boys and the small town we live in. I have many medical problems and have not been able to go back to work. I don’t know what career path to choose now. I was a cat scan tech. I’m very concerned of the effect this is all having on my boys and need help to help them. I wasn’t sure this is where I’m supposed to be in order to get the help my family desperately needs.

Ashley says February 9, 2018

Hello everyone. I need to be frank. I am married to a Narc who keeps us too poor to afford much of anything. So I can’t afford to pay a counsellor or seek therapy.
But here it is- I need a friend. I need a woman who understands what I’m going through who will let me talk about it without me feeling like I am over sharing or burdening an otherwise ‘ normal’ friendship.
I am alone here in my world of combatant turmoil. I feel very discouraged and I just need to be able to clarify what goes on in my life and formulate a plan to either deal with it or help figure out how to get away from it.
In short, I need a supportive friend who won’t tell me constantly I just need to leave when I doubt have a plan and nowhere to go.
Please email me if you need a friend too and we can support each other. Thanks.
[email protected]

angelica says January 25, 2018

I was married or shold sya am married to one that was unfaithful to me over and over, taking no responsibility but blaming me for his actions. I finally broke free with the last event when i had to file a police report against his girlfriend because she was stalking me and would not stop calling my home and he did nothing to stop it. THAT was the nail that closed the deal for me >FINALLY hitting it home after 4 years of emotional abuseetc etc…

    Kim Saeed says January 25, 2018

    Good for you, Angelica! You did a brave and righteous thing!

    Kim XoXo

Anonymous says January 15, 2018

I have a narcissistic mother and sister who have no regards of what I feel every time when they do or say something hurtful to embarrass, belittle, and guilt-trap me. My mother is passive aggressive, not doing anything to take care of us, left us when we were kids, taking things from me but have no awareness on the needs to reciprocate nor take care of my well-being. My sister feels like she would not make any mistakes & often blames me for every little things that I am struggling with because of low self esteem and anxiety. Even having low self esteem and anxiety is my fault because I am the “weak” one in her eyes. Often gaslighting me by invalidating all my feelings and thoughts and even making me feel horrible about my situations and underachievements. She has no regards to my fears, worries, depressions, pressures, pains, and even when I was crying she could turn on the TV & watch it by putting the volume to the loudest. Told me that I am embarrassing her because of the ways I deal with passerbys on the street or those sale persons in the shopping malls. I never scolded those who approached me abruptly trying to sell their products. I said thank you with a smile. But for my sister this is not enough, it’s impolite because my facial expression was not “nice” ? Every little things can be used to put down my self esteem and I am constantly worried about saying or doing things which would upset her. She’s not happy with WHATEVER things I do. Told me that she’s only “reminding” me of those things because she “cares” about me? But does it have to be involving playing with my self esteem and disregards my feelings and needs? Every little things is not good enough in her eyes. She’s my sister.I’m staying with her. What can I do?

    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2018

    Gosh, Anon. I wish I had some helpful advice. If I were in your shoes, I’d consider leaving. There’s really not much you can do to placate people like this. I found that the only way to find peace was to leave.

    Wishing you all the best…

    Anon says November 25, 2019

    Stay strong learn what you can dont react. Im in the same situation except I live my mom the narcissist and im an only child but I relate to every word you wrote. Since childhood I have learned to just protect myself by not showing any emotions. Never. Even when I first left my ex I know not to share talk or react. I stay in my room mostly avoid as much as possible. Gain knowledge bt reading these sites. I keep reading for strength. Hope that helps stay strong

Denise says January 11, 2018

Great advice. I have just currently started a “therapeutic” separation with my husband. Last night he started texting me with nagging questions. I put up a boundary and told him if he continues, I would block him. He continued and I blocked him. I thought to myself, “You’ve come a long way, Baby”. LOL. I never stood up for myself until recently and it felt good.

    Kim Saeed says January 13, 2018

    Good for you, Denise! 🙂

Michelle says January 10, 2018

Excellent Article. I unfortunately know Narcissism very well and all the the techniques above do work. Just remember it NEVER goes away… must continue and stay one foot in front of the Narc to survive!

Sandy says January 9, 2018

The day you can turn the corner from “what can I do to keep from losing him?” into “I don’t need to do that to keep him!” is a great day indeed, and worth working hard for. And once you admit to yourself he/she has been wiping their boots off on your back all along, it is time for you to take the reins back and get to that place in your life where you can say NO ONE will EVER treat ME like that, EVER again. It is not easy, but it is SO worth it! ~~~Free since 10/2014

    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2018

    Absolutely, Sandy! It’s a great day, indeed! I’m so happy you’ve been free for a while 🙂

    Kim XoXo

      Janet says November 25, 2019

      Thanks for all the great info Kim…..I’m wondering if you can point me in the right direction though…..I am dealing with an adult son who is a Narcissist and HE is practicing no contact with ME. He has not returned a phone call or text or email to me in more than a year. How can I practice no contact when he has abandoned me? Even after all this time I’m still having trouble believing that he can do this to his own mother. But he has distanced himself from our entire family now and is poisoning his new wife’s family against us as well. Should I give up on ever having a conversation with him? I would appreciate some guidance…..

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