Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Personal Growth
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how to deal with rejection

Unchosen: The Beauty of Rejection

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~by Lolisha GLT Chaney

No one likes to be rejected…and most of us aren’t aware of how to deal with rejection, much less that it can be a blessing in disguise.

We’re all sensitive to rejection. It’s hardwired into us. Neuroscience demonstrates that perceived rejection activates the same part of the brain as physical pain.

Can you look back to a time in the past where feelings of rejection consumed you, but it turned out to be a gift because it brought you to something more beautiful and satisfying in your life?

I can. 

Perhaps my story will help you understand how to deal with rejection and embrace its mystifying gifts. 

Finding the Beauty in Rejection

I imagine my mind as a package and my thoughts as its contents. By my early 20’s and emerging into the earlier stages of adulthood, this container was filled with mostly negative images of myself.

My package had not only been filled by me but also largely by the world I lived in.

An environment that was driven by unrealistic expectations and fictitious beliefs which caused self-doubt and insecurity if your mind hadn’t been filled with healthier things. Living in such an incubator caused my self-esteem to erode as I depended on external sources of my environment to provide my soul with nourishing acceptance.

I had been accumulating these destructive mindsets since childhood and managed to find little ‘keepsakes’ wherever I went. You could even say I had a knack for attracting them.

As a teenager, I found envious “friends” who would slip in demeaning innuendos to ‘level the playing field’. Once, I had a boyfriend who would laugh in hysteria when I tried to share my music with him and even told me I was a ‘garbage’ artist.

In fact, there always seemed to be someone around to tell me I was ugly, skinny, and couldn’t sing, rap, or (insert verb here).

As the hip-hop culture exploded in the mainstream, it heavily influenced the preferences of my peers.  From fashion and romance to everything in between. The images being portrayed taught us right from wrong, good from bad.

Unfortunately for me, the desirable woman in hip-hop looked nothing like me; my skin was dark and my frame petite. I’m far from a fair-complexioned, voluptuous vixen with prime real estate stuffed in the back of designer jeans.

Almost everywhere I turned, I was fed messages that what I possessed was not enough; that there was little value in my creative soul and wondrous spirit. As my peers responded to this standard of beauty, this measure of value, I became the least in the eyes of what I saw the most.

It was communicated to me through these expectations, that in the absence of those physical attributes I was not even a woman.

Because I was not the type to miss out on what I desired – which at the time was acceptance – I told myself that I must improvise! I was determined to function within this handicap. Since subpar wouldn’t cut it and the last choice would simply go unchosen, I learned to run faster, and jump higher.

I began investing feverishly into my sex appeal and even went as far as wearing layers of clothes underneath my pants to create the image that I believed was most valuable.

While watching music videos, I became an understudy taking mental note of all that made her ‘the one’. I tried to mimic what I thought made the guys whom I wanted, want her. I tried my best to look like her, to walk like her, to say what I thought she would say.

After I learned how to masquerade as this mythical creature (as best as I could stuff my pants), the playing field opened up for me and I began having access to the kind of dating opportunities I desired.

Once these opportunities were secured, I made an interesting discovery: This feigned ‘beauty’ attracted desire but seemed to repel love. I started noticing that these women were suffering from various forms of abuse and were being devalued and disrespected in their personal lives.

I began to see that the type of ‘beauty’ that they paid homage to did not invoke feelings of love, honor, or respect. Contrarily, it invoked a possessive, yet fleeting and disposable infatuation with a shelf life lasting as long as her novelty.

Because this was the criteria for selection, the competition was fierce. There would always be someone working to become the most ‘beautiful’, the most anatomically generous object of desire.

I saw these women used and thrown away like paper towels after hand washing. In following her footsteps, I visited the same landmarks of humiliation and heartbreak. I too had been unwrapped, opened and re-gifted, as my intimate relationships never caught aflame into something substantial.

In offering what she offered, I received what she received. I was entertainment, rather than a cherished attainment and no one is satisfied seeing one concert for the rest of their lives.

This made me look not at who was regarded as beautiful, but who was respected, valued and loved. To my surprise, it was women with creative souls and wondrous spirits!

Women of all shapes and sizes, who sparkled with self-respect, and who were confident because of who they’d become and not what they looked like (in or out of their jeans). Women who loved themselves and were thereby able to love others.

Women who were not for sale because they possessed something priceless inside.

Low-bidding window shoppers would simply walk past, not wanting the hassle that comes with amassing such a fortune. It’s as if we had been chasing an illusion, while the secret lay hidden in plain view.

[click_to_tweet tweet=”I had to go in circles to learn that what I thought I needed, was with me all along…Me.” quote=”I had to go in circles to learn that what I thought I needed, was with me all along…Me.” theme=”style5″]

I possessed the ability to become a beautiful person by adding value to myself and others. I became a treasured possession to the people who have benefited from what a lesser class despised.

This experience taught me that in some cases, it is actually favorable to go unchosen.

About the Author

Lolisha Author BioLolisha GLT Chaney is a freelance writer and inspirational speaker from the San Francisco Bay Area, CA.  As a depression survivor, she draws upon the wealth of knowledge gained from her journey to emotional wholeness.  Lolisha has accepted the call to a higher lifestyle with a focus on helping others by telling her story with refreshing candor that resonates with the human experience.  This work is used to inspire others to remodel their lives from the inside-out; getting life together, one thought at a time. 

Get started on your healing journey and overcome past rejection with the Beyond No Contact course!  Everything You Need to Unlock Your Authentic Self and Rebuild Your Inner Identity after Narcissistic Abuse.  Click here to start now.


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8 comments
Shelia says September 17, 2018

Bravo!!!💐✍🏽👀👁

Reply
    Lolisha GLT says September 25, 2018

    Thank you Shelia 💕

    Reply
Frances says September 16, 2018

Everything I’ve read here seems as if I written these women’s life stories. I have gone thru hell an back grasping life lessons trying to hold on to them for the next time such situations accure. The one thing I can say that iv gotten out of all these years of trial an tribulation is the ability to build up and encourage others. Sadly , it doesn’t seem to work for myself. At the darkest times of my life I ended up in a prison cell seeking answers an redemption. I did find both , but not to the extent where I’ve been able to live up to my protential an become deeply rooted on solid ground. Instead , I’m back in a relationship that’s eating away at my self worth . To run ,where would I go? To whom shall I ask for help? A shelter ? I’ve tried that yet hear I sit in the same darkness as before. Forgive me for sounding as if pity is my name . Honestly , I just wanted to speak my truth out loud . I just needed to be heard for once . I’m an intelligent woman however I’ve allowed to many narcissistic men take me down self destructive roads that lead no where. Today, after a year stay in a hospital bed due to Crohn’s disease an now a colostomy bag I feel like I’ve wasted my life with nothing but a beaten down body to show for it. I need someone to show me how to start again. I want to know what it feels like to love life an /or the skin I’m in before I die. I’d like to be proud of the decision I made instead of hiding from them. Id like to share about shame not live in it . I’d like to be in a world where give an take is natural .lastly I’d like to be self sufficient, self supporting an never ever have to lean on a narcissistic an there understanding instead of my own. Thank You for allowing me to be me if only for these couple of minutes. I wish you all well, I wish you all a life full of peace, love and prosperity an narcissistic free

Reply
Shirley Akpelu says September 16, 2018

This article was revealing. Thank you for sharing. No one likes rejection but sometimes it is a necessary evil. If there is no mutual love and respect in any relationship it should be discontinued or not even started. This is hard but true. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This is true but you have to know what real beauty is as a person. If someone is not for you, they are against you and sever that tie quickly. A lot of of times I am alone because I refuse to put up with nonsense and foolish, negative people. Sometimes being alone is better than being unhappy.

Reply
Sheri says September 16, 2018

I was very disappointed when I learned you charged for this course. Alot of us that have recently left our abuser, don’t have much money, if any! Not many people do something for nothing anymore, like my abuser, always a catch if he helped me at all

Reply
    Kim Saeed says September 16, 2018

    There are lots of free resources available here, including all the blog articles and free downloads, as well as my YouTube channel, for anyone who is not able to enroll in the courses.

    I know what it’s like to be in a tight spot financially, being a survivor myself. I took advantage of the free resources that were out there until I could manage to start buying the paid ones. Wishing you the best.

    Reply
Sue says September 16, 2018

I’ve not commented in the 18months I’ve been following you.My story is 18years married only to discover he kept a 23year old in a house in Bradford and paid for her to come from a poor country.once discovered I threw him out but 5minths later I took him back.(I wondered if I had ever really got rid of him)Then 6months Of marriage guidance he was brilliant.But only to discover more women.porn,chat lines.We split again and so it went on.
It’s hard to describe the deep casum of despair I felt back then.My soul was shredded..I adored him almost worshiped him and I had brought our children up to do the same.I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t change why he didn’t feel love the way I did.I was suicidal only my love for my kids kept me going in those dark days.The stuff I did to try make him stay was crazy,the beauty treatments dieting etc etc.
With counciling help I got strengthened and started to see my own value through my eyes.Its not an easy journey,we’re not divorced yet and I’m not completely free from his chaos but I know I’m moving on.I don’t see him and don’t want to.I have no resentment towards him I just need to get on with the new life I’ve created.I embrace me (not arrogantly)
I tell my kids I’m not the brightest ,the slimmest or the best looking 55year old out there but as a package I’m pretty good.
As jackie O said
“No one can put you down unless you give them permission to do so’
But you need to be in a healthy place with your self esteem to do this.
When your down and I mean really really down some people reach out and show human kindness for no reason other than to help,amazing really.It could be that one article that stops you doing something very silly indeed.
‘Thank you ‘is a small word Kim
But I’m breathing and actually living my life
You’ve played your part in my story and I truly
THANK YOU

Reply
    Kim Saeed says September 16, 2018

    Wow, it truly touches my heart to know I’ve helped you in some way after all you’ve been through. I’m beyond happy for you that you are healing and moving forward, but most of all that your self-esteem is on the mend. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
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