worst possible time discard

Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times

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Wondering why narcissists discard you at the worst possible time?

It could be that you just learned you have a serious illness (perhaps having been hospitalized) or lost someone close to you, only to have the narcissist act cold and aloof?

Or, maybe you finally received a long-awaited promotion at work, but the narcissist responded by showing utter indifference and flaunting a new love interest in your face (or worse, got engaged to someone else while you weren’t looking!)

One of the most heartbreaking stories I hear from clients and followers is how the narcissist discarded them at the worst possible time.  This might include the loss of a job, failing an important exam, following the victim’s diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, or the death of someone close to them (which sometimes includes a child).

Other times, the narcissist plans a devastating discard during what should be a joyous occasion, such as their anniversary, right before a long-planned vacation, or even when the victim finds out they’re expecting a baby…with the narcissist!

While you’re left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart during important milestones of your life, the narcissist carries on with business as usual as though your history together means nothing.

To you, the horrific discard seems intensely personal, cruel, and callous.  But, as devastating as it is, the truth is that almost all narcissists discard the people in their lives during important life events, special occasions, and devastating losses. 

It’s one of their blueprint manipulations.

When the narcissist decides it’s time to discard you, nothing is sacred.

While you’re waiting for the ‘loving and romantic’ person you thought they were to resurface and show a shred of compassion or basic interest in your situation, the narcissist couldn’t care less as they go about love bombing their new supply right under your nose.

Narcissists take pleasure in executing devastating discards at the worst possible times, and there’s a reason behind why they enjoy it so much.  In fact, they are acutely aware of what they are doing, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual. 

Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times and Why Discards Are Rarely Real 

It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist discards you during a joyous occasion or during a devastating loss, their actions and motivations following either event are almost identical. 

The real aim behind these torturous, soul-shattering discards is that the narcissist is bent on triggering your abandonment wounds and deepening your declining self-esteem…which means they can likely keep you in the queue for as long as they deem you useful to them.

Often, what appears to be a discard is simply a tactic used by almost all narcissists who are no longer in the love bombing phase with a primary supply source.   

They are in heightened manipulation mode – using your weak spots against you in order to control you and have the upper hand.

The reason they strategically implement discards during important life events is so that you will never forget them or what they did to you.  In other words, when it comes to your memory bank, instead of recalling your child’s graduation, the warm accolades from your friends and family for your promotion, or the joy of being pregnant with human life, what you’ll remember instead is the narcissist and their horrific abuse. 

Following are two tactics narcissists use which look like a discard but are really hidden ploys to keep you strung along indefinitely.

1 – Triangulation

Many “discards” involve the sudden appearance of a new person in the narcissist’s life.  In truth, the majority of discards are actually a sneaky implementation of the triangulation phase, where they begin comparing you with their new “love interest” and making you feel like you fell from grace because of your insecurities, nagging, declining appearance, exhaustion, etc. (All of which are part of the narcissist’s gaslighting efforts).

And if you agree to remain friends with the narcissist, you’ll get to hear all about how great the new person is and, eventually, the narcissist will go so far as to share the relationship problems they’re having with the new person with you!

This is when you start believing the relationship didn’t work out because of you and things you’ve done (or didn’t do).  In truth, the narcissist fabricated every single emotion and event that has resulted in this outcome.  It was their intention from the very start. 

Sometimes though, the narcissist has a new person in their lives, but they strive to keep it under wraps.  It depends on their social status among their inner circle, their business colleagues, and personal friends.  They have an image to maintain, after all. 

In this scenario, the narcissist breaks up with you several times and disappears during weekends or for whole weeks at the time, claiming that they need time to breathe and reflect so they can get a clear picture of their feelings for you and the relationship.

What’s really happening is they have another person lined up – and they are love bombing that person with such intensity, they can’t be bothered with damage control when it comes to the relationship they have with you. Therefore, they make it appear as if they need “alone time”, “time to breathe”, or “time to ponder things through”.

Regardless of which scenario they execute, each has the same goal – to reawaken your primitive fears of abandonment and bring them to the fore.  The narcissist “discards” you – often repeatedly – during important times in your life for a specific purpose, and it boils down to the basics of trauma bonding. 

2 – Trauma Bonding

You know you’re trauma bonded when you comprehend on a logical level that you need to leave the narcissist, but can’t seem to go through with it. 

Your friends and family don’t understand why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. 

What they can’t relate to is that your abandonment triggers have been activated over and over again, which happens when we experience a break in an important bond with someone we’re emotionally attached to.  Each time the narcissist triangulates or abandons you for days or weeks, it unleashes a new round of intense insecurity.  You want to be reassured and loved by the very person who keeps betraying and abandoning you. 

Young children react this way to parents or caregivers who mistreat and abuse them.  Even animals react this way to an indifferent or cold parent.  According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,

A researcher who studied imprinting in ducks noticed that when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever.  Researchers investigated this phenomenon and it turns out that pain, whether emotional or physical, causes the body to release endogenous opiates that create a tenacious type of addiction to an object known as a traumatic bond.

Narcissists discard their primary supply sources during the worst possible times to triangulate and form trauma bonds with them, ensuring they never forget the narcissist or the relationship. All other narcissistic manipulations aside, these two devastating tactics alone are enough to instill PTSD and a myriad of other psychological injuries.  Some victims are misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder when they are actually experiencing symptoms of repeated abandonment trauma.

What to do next

Though it feels like everything has been ripped away, what’s happening is that your primal and true self is crying out, much like an infant crying for its mother.  Triangulation and repeated abandonment carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things.

It may feel as though you can’t survive this, but you can begin your recovery by planning out your Break Free strategy and exit plan.  Stop trying to have a heart-to-heart with the narcissist in order to get them to understand your point of view or discuss the ever-elusive resolutions to your relationship problems. 

Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that’s how they keep you hooked. This is precisely why narcissists discard you at the worst possible times.

Plan out your Break Free strategy, find another person you can cling to during the initial stages of your recovery, and practice mindfulness to keep yourself in the moment instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

It will feel impossible to do in the beginning.  In fact, it will feel unnatural, but with, daily practice you can heal from the trauma bond that the narcissist manufactured between the two of you.  

Want to learn how you can empower yourself to stop the cycle of abuse?  Reserve your spot in The Essential Break Free Bootcamp and start planning your better life, free from pathological lies and punishing discards!

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Melissa anne says March 29, 2024

This article is incredibly helpful. I have been driving myself crazy since the death of my father three months ago trying to figure why my now ex partner showed me no empathy, care or love. (Well, for 3 days he tried but it was like it was fake and all too much, as then he switched over night to an incredibly cold person, telling me he had no capacity for me).
He saw me once but just could no show affection, he made the visit feel like a complete burden He then in the following months refused to see me, saying he was too busy with work, but still calling me for hour long conversations only to talk about his work stresses. To the point where I eventually ask if he can tell me what role I am playing in his life. I get told he thinks I am accusing him of cheating and I have put him off.
I’ve never even shown him his upset I am at my dads death, always trying to smile and be happy and not put any of my feelings on him. And yet he still says he has been worn out because of work and needing to be there for me all of the time…yet in reality he totally discarded me exactly 3 days after my dads death, then following it with 3 months of hot and cold very confusing anxiety inducing behaviour. I’ve definitely experienced everything written in this article. He cannot see from my view my grief, how him refusing to see me and blatantly withdrawing his affection could have caused me to be even more upset at such a tough time. It is all my fault that the relationship has ended in his view.
His father is now unfortunately very Ill. He said he had more important things to think about than me so cannot be in a relationship. And although he has discarded me, I asked him to delete my number. He told me no, incase he needed to call me for support in the future. I have never felt clearer that he is a narcissist.

Theresa Conley says July 16, 2022

Hi Kim. Thank you so much. This made me look back to what I was conditioned and trained to believe was good relationships. I stuffed my painful experiences and my life’s journey away and always hoped to never have to see or remember any of it again. Now I know different. Recalling the pain and suffering is tough but necessary to heal. The tough gets through it and healing is one day at a time. I’m a survivor.

Jane says July 4, 2022

Great article! I can’t help but wonder if the narcissist experienced the same abusive abandonment & insecurity when very young, possibly by a narcissist mother, & now is acting out the same type of interactions he or she received in childhood. I’ve read that an adoptive mother is often narcissistic.

Evie says April 11, 2022

Thank you so much for this. I was so devastated when the narcissist discarded me, I even considered the unthinkable. Reading this opened my eyes and I realized how deep he abused me, it has nothing to do with me but he is a sick man. Forever grateful for your article. Thank you.

Anonymous says April 8, 2022

I’m Morgan too, and my baby daddy left me 16 weeks pregnant too. It was a surprise considering he was excited as well. How are you now?

Lisa B says February 22, 2022

My dad died on the 1st January 2002 of Covid, he had been on a ventilator fighting Covid for 55 days. He was only 65 years old, fit, health and had all of his Covid vaccines. During the 55 days my dad was in hospital on a ventilator my other half who I know for sure now is a narcissist maybe even a psychopath completely disregarded me and our children. He called me names, he said I was a pathetic person, awful mother, shouted at me every day, stole money from my account, came back from his job as a teacher in a Christian school every day and then in the evening drives off abandoning me and our children as he prefers to sleep in his parents house. No care was shown, no sympathy, rare for him to even answer my phone calls when he is in work, never checked to see if me our our children were coping, never hugged us, just nothing…..

Then the unimaginable happened after 55 days of fighting Covid my dad passed away. My other half decided out of the blue that he would now be there for me (but he never hugged me). It felt so false as if he wanted to somehow play at being “normal”. When my father was brought back to his house the day before his funeral, I cried and cried and so did our children. My other half just stood there emotionless and could not offer our children or me any sort of care/emotion, not even holding our hands. When we got home to our house my other half came into “my” bedroom (he sleeps over his parents house) and started raising his voice at me, telling me how everyone is dying so there is no point in living. I asked why he was saying such a thing after we had just come back from seeing my father in his coffin! He offered no explanation, in fact I cannot even get to speak a full sentence as he always interrupts me. He cannot hear me, instead he just rants about things. To top it off he ends the conversation by saying how I need to understand that this has been a very stressful day for HIM. That sent me over the “edge” I replied that even though it is MY father who has died and it is MY father in that coffin, you are telling me about how stressful it is for YOU. Not even mentioning our children’s grief or my grief or stress we might feel. By now I am in floods of tears and feel like dying. Our 13 year old daughter comes into my bedroom and holds me, I explain that I’m just missing my dad and we hug each other as he walks out of the house and drives off to his parents house to sleep. No text to his daughter or son to see how they are feeling, no text/phone-call to check up on me or the kids.

Next day he comes into my bedroom and attempts to apologise. However is attempt at apologising is disgusting, he just repeats the EXACT same words that so upset me last night. He says “Sorry about last night I never meant to upset you but I was stressed”. Again no sign of recognition for the stress/grief our children Or I am going through. I point out to him but you are repeating the exact words that caused such hurt/upset last night, why are you doing that? Again can’t even get to finish my sentence because he just talks over me. But what he says makes no sense and is not even related to what I’m asking him. So I just constantly end up crying. As any discussion with him is just a dead-end, there is NEVER resolution and he cannot show any understanding that anyone else exists. He will even say “come on now I have done nothing”. When I point out but what you say hurts me and the children, why do you think I’m crying if it has not hurt me? Why do you think I’m telling you that what you says hurts me because it completely disregards the grief our children and I am going through as you only speak about yourself. But what ever I say is ignored as if I never said anything. Also he will yawn in my face as this is “boring” for him to hear about our children’s feelings and my feelings. He will often even walk away midway through what ever it is I’m saying because we are just “nothing” to him.

In my dads funeral I asked him not to stand up to speak as after over 20 years of being with him I now see him CLEARLY for what he is – fake, robotic, people mean nothing to him not even our kids, he has no connection to any human being, constantly lies, thief, alcoholic, abuser. I also asked him not to sit by me as I could not stand to see his face which is void of any human emotion, with dead series killer eyes! All this time I truly never knew I was being abused but now I SEE. After asking him not speak in the funeral he spoke anyway, he got up not a single tear drop fell from his eyes, so composed, such a good speaker. But now I realise that he is such a good speaker because he feels no really deep emotions, he feels no loss/grief so doesn’t cry, he never feels worried/questions if he will do well public speaking because he is grandiose and believes he is “amazing ” and a better person than anyone else. He was congratulated by some at my dads funeral for speaking so well. Outside of the church he came up to me and the very first thing he said was “David told me how well I spoke”. He never mentioned our children who I held in my arms as we sobbed uncontrollably, never asked them if they where okay, never held them, offered us nothing, except to point out the people who had told him how well had spoken. He revelled in the attention of it all.

The day after my fathers funeral when he has no audience, it began….. He has been trying to totally destroy me since 2nd January 2022. He won’t help support me or our children in any way. He won’t cook a meal, won’t wash school uniform, won’t do anything around the house. At a time when I feel exhausted by grief, I have to take care of all household chores, I’m by myself emotionally trying to deal with this grief but I’m also on my own trying to be here for our children in their grief. He doesn’t speak to the children at all about their grief. Two days after my fathers funeral he leaves us all to go to watch football, he doesn’t take any of us out anywhere. Every time he speaks to me it’s just to tell me how much he doesn’t care about me, how I’m an abuser, how I deserve to be stolen from, that it is his house and he pays all of the bills which isn’t fair on him so he has no choice but to steal money from my account. Anything I say, any reasoning I try to do just doesn’t work. I work full time and pay half of all of the bills but he has now decided what is a bill or not. For example, one of the bills I pay for is the food shopping but he tells me that this is not a bill, I also pay for petrol for the cars but again he tells me this is not a bill. Do you get me? This absolute nutter has decided in his own head what a bill is and surprise, surprise he is only willing to accept what he pays as being “allowed” to be called “bills”. The conversations are not conversations he just lies and lies and ounce he is confronted by overwhelming evidence then he storms out and puts his mobile phone off. He laughs at my tears of grief, he mocks my crying voice and the more heart broken in grief I become the happier he appears to be. I point out that what he’s doing is abuse but he just screams rubbish back at me that makes no sense. He even threatens me with the police, I tell him that he is welcome to go to the police it’s fine as I have done nothing. But that the police won’t blindly believe him and when I explain you take money from me, I can prove it with bank statements, when I call you an alcoholic it can be proven by a liver functioning blood test (his eye balls are yellow which he says is due to tiredness, he is grandiose and so looks down on me and thinks I’m so thick that I believe his crazy lies). When he calls me mentally ill the police can check my health record with my Doctor, I have never had any mental health problems, no addictions, never taken antidepressants. Yet he has taken antidepressants in the past, he has had to take time off work due to stress. If the police check with my place of work I will get a glowing reference and my employment record is excellent. But if the police check his employment history it is erratic, he has had complaints and moved around a lot. His mother died of alcoholism, his father is a recovering alcoholic, his uncle is an alcoholic and his other uncle committed suicide. I have nothing like that in my family. I met him when I was only 16 years old, so I was very naive and never questioned anything. But now I question EVERYTHING! Like why is EVERYTHING only my fault? Why is every disagreement seen as an argument? Why does he think he is a victim? Why doesn’t he show any emotion apart from anger? Why does he want to sleep in his parents house instead of our home? Why does he not hug the children or me? Why does he not seem to like human beings and looks down at people who have actually achieved more than him? Why does he seem happier for making me feel like I want to die? How can he sleep when he abandons our children every night? How an earth did he think that this DEAD and toxic relationship would go on? Why doesn’t he want to provide a nice environment for our children? Why is the word “sorry” so utterly terrifying for him? Why doesn’t he have any empathy? Why would you want to on purpose hurt the mother of your children? Why doesn’t he ever worry about our children? Why does he think how he lives is normal?

Every night when I close my eyes I hope for him to move away or to die in an accident. I feel overwhelmed with rage towards him and I have told him it’s completely over. I worry so much about our children and do not want them to think it’s right to behave the way he does. So I do tell them, well dads gone to watch football but I think when you are an adult if someone close to you dies then you need to make sure you are there for your partner. That it doesn’t mean he can’t go out ever to watch football but the first weekend after a persons funeral you should stay with that person to make sure they are okay. Also when the children have seen me cry, I have explained the different stages of grief and told them that it’s my grief and not anything anyone else has done or said and it’s normal to cry when dealing with grief. As their father makes out that all emotions are wrong and if I or anyone cries it means they are blaming you for something. I know our children are seeing such abnormal narcissistic behaviour from their father and I feel that I need to counteract that by letting them know what the “normal” response should be. As in the past I mistakingly thought I was protecting our children by not speaking about what they had seen their father say/do to me but now I realise that was helping him “normalise” his abuse and crazy behaviour of me and our children.

The more I ask him to stop, the more I tell him that I’m not strong enough to deal with your abuse and my fathers death, the more toxic he is. It’s got to the point that I truly believe he wouldn’t mind if I committed suicide as that would get him the sympathy and attention he craves and he would never ever be “found out” as he would say I was depressed etc he would NEVER tell anyone the things he says to me or the things he does. He would also have the mortgage paid off and he is lazy as hell so he would be able to cut down his hours then and be seen as a fantastic/stable parent. I do wonder if that’s what he is trying to do to me, make me end it all as I can see from his narcissistic view point that would be a win/win for him and EVERYTHING is a game for him. He sees no “really” people he just sees objects to play a game with. But I SEE him NOW.

    Anonymous says July 3, 2022

    You just described my ex to a T

Debra A Culley says December 20, 2021

I am now 67 years old and my daughter is in her mid thirties. I have helped her through all her troubles, even financial ones when I was broke and close to homelessness. Every single time, once she gets whatever she needs at the moment, she totally discards me after that. During the period that I let her stay with me, or that I have stayed with her (in order to help her with her kids), she is verbally and emotionally abuse. I was forced into homelessness more than one time because I feel victime to her manipulations and because I did not set firm boundaries. I believe the best way to handle a daughter like this is to move as far away as possible. Her manipulating behavior began in her late teens and has not stopped. I believe it’s because I never set firm boundaries with her. Just love them from afar and live your own life. If they can’t respect your boundaries, and they won’t help in time of need, there’s nothing else you can do except take care of you.

Elisha says June 29, 2021

Great advice, thanks Kim. I needed to hear this.

Vijay Victor Adam says June 27, 2021

Very intelligent, interesting

Patricia says August 18, 2020

I am very glad that I joined this recovery journey. I had no idea this guy was a narcissist until I started reading all this informations. From what I have learned these few days, this man I have been married to for over 45 plus years was of this character, but I knew something was not correct about him. Thanks so much for these eye opening informations.

Tania says June 27, 2020

Brilliant article!

MaryBeth says April 3, 2020

This is the exact track I am on and you provided answers for me that may save my life.

Annie says March 1, 2020

I was discarded at the worst possible time – many crisis within a year / out of state trying to be of help to my family. Thought our relationship was strong enough to sustain everything. Actually was so preoccupied I didn’t even have time to think about myself. To be brief My intuition told me something was not right. When I confronted him he admitted wanting to date someone else. He didn’t feel cherished in my time of need and was “confused.” It was all about him needing constant attention – he’s found his new supply but continually denied it saying he had no contact. Meanwhile we’re planning a vacation in April & he’s acting remote – but still saying endearing words. All superficial – he is a coward – lying by omission and keeping it a secret – I believe so he could see which one is his perfect match/ supply ! I’ve done my crying, had sleepless nights & thankfully I’m focusing on myself. It’s still not easy – I loved him but realize I was only there to fill a void !
He was exceptional nice – everyone loves him but he’s all for himself !

    John rankin says June 4, 2020

    I had the exact scenario. In hindsight, I should have stayed home. The vacation was a train wreck of emotions and her making secret calls/texts.

Annie says March 1, 2020

I have been having a very difficult time dealing with the end of a relationship. At first I denied he was a narcissist because he was so good to me for 4 years.
Now I realize he is shallow & lacking empathy despite all the good times we had together.
For the past year and a half major changes occurred in my life – death of a brother & brother-in-law & & major mental & physical problems of my sister following the death of her husband. I was out of state on & off for 3 months. And then my daughter’s husband got seriously ill and was in the hospital for over a month. During this time I felt somewhat depleted & didn’t have time to think about myself. I felt Because we were in love that our relationship our was secure.
Well was I ever wrong – instead of him being supportive, he said he didn’t feel cherished ! It was all about him. This remark came after I confronted him about having a secret friendship with another woman. He said he felt confused – he wasn’t confused – he just needed someone to feed his ego when I wasn’t there to give him constant attention. He actually took this woman to a follow-up surgical app’t after I had been with him during his initial surgery & throughout his recuperation. This was the initial betrayal.
I can go on and on – I did not attend a Christmas Eve event with his family because I said I couldn’t put up a false front. Then after we have a talk & nice evening he c texts & calls and wants me to give home another chance. All the while telling me he has had no contact with this woman . Foolish me I really didn’t believe him but thought he was sincere.
When I suspected it again & confronted him – he continued to lie and said that I needed to trust him if we were going to make our relationship work. Foolish me I loved him and was willing to somewhat believe him. Well of course it was all a facade – finally I have to be the one to finally force him to tell me the truth. All along I had an intuition and I told him that I trusted my intuition. He is such a coward – pretending we’re working things out, planning a Carribean vacation & other family events while he is secretly having some type of relationship with his “friend.” I discovered this when I saw a text pop up on his phone at 8:00 am just before we were leaving for church.
It’s over & I am recovering but still trying to come to terms with everything- he was never verbally or physically abusive but I realize he was emotionally abusive & played tricks with my mind. He texts me an “apolog” which sound scripted and makes him look like the good guy because he acknowledges how he didn’t support me as a committed couple. Never admits what he actually did to betray & deceive me.
And everyone loves this man – he has good friends and everyone thinks he is the nicest person. I thought so too – and I’m still struggling with this !
Intellectually I realize he has a void within him that I cannot fill. He’s bored and has found someone that he “has a lot in common with.” Another person to feed into his need for admiration & attention. And I forgot to mention that he’s constantly involved in various activities – on the go constantly. His 2nd wife & he were married over 35 years before she died. And they were both constantly on the go – so he did have a long term commitment but they were probably two of a kind.
I probably sound bitter which is a good sign. I’ve done my crying & have had many stressfu& sleepless

    Amber says April 23, 2020

    Hi, I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. I was with my narcissist for 4 years as well, my Mom passed away 6 months into the relationship, and a little bit after she died I was still struggling to keep up with my life, even just to get to work everyday was an accomplishment. My narcissist had the same demands as yours, to feel more cherished in the reationship. He said that he didn’t tjink I could take care of him. In the moment, I was too weak to stand up for myself, but now I would say something like, “take care of you? I’m the one who needs to be taken care of right now.”. He would say all kinds of selfish things like that, but they would sound subtle and he would word them in. way that made some sense so I let them go. Anyways, just please know that you’re not alone! I didn’t realize mine was a narc until 2 months after he discarded me on our Bali vacation right after he met his new supply (and only after I spoke with his ex to confirm that he treated her that way too). Best of luck in your healing journey, mine has only been 4 months so I’m fresh too. Just know that it has nothing to do with you, for me it sucks the most knowing my love was directed to a false person, an imaginary person that doesn’t exist lol. But we’ll get past this, and now we know how to identify such narcs in the future.

    Zanele Ndlovu says July 3, 2020

    Sounds exactly like me, except I’m still here, fully aware that nothing is going to change. I know one day I will be able to walk out and never look back!

Morgan says January 23, 2020

Thank you. I had been discarded a few short weeks after telling him I’m pregnant with his child. We had been making all kinds of plans and I thought he was genuinely excited. I was left completely confused and devastated. Reading this, it all makes sense and I’m realizing all the little red flags I had overlooked.

leslie says January 13, 2020

What to do if you are now the old supply and the new supply is your 26yr old daughter who she turned against you and they live together now that I’m the scapegoat.

Anonymous says January 10, 2020

Thank you Kim. I was able to understand that I was trauma bonded , when I realized that I was looking for the narcissist to save me from the very harm that he was so purposely inflicting on me. Sounds strange but the reality is that at your core one refuse to believe that the narcissist can be so cruel, unfortunately this gives fuel to the narcissist and at the same time devastates you. Its pretty damaging to the psyche and the totality of the damage can only be mesure thru time.

Alison says January 10, 2020

It is my son, not my partner who has utterly and cruelly rejected me. He sends me nasty evil disowning texts at the worst of times. This has been a patters for 20 years now. I am do demoralized and depressed. I don’t see my granddaughters either. I must be a total failure to have my only child despise me so. Help!

Anonymous says January 10, 2020

Hello, my daughter did exactly the same to me one year ago
and never said why just that she has a major depression.

Matt Gerome says January 9, 2020

Excellent analysis.of this deplorable technique that
I am painfully aware of.
I was discarded on father’s day.While she was terminating her pregnancy of a child that I believed was mine.I woke up shunned by her and everyone in her community.I was never allowed to say goodbye to her two little girls whom I had grown to love.I still cannot think of them without crying.I woke up one morning and It was all gone..
She wasn’t sure who the father of that Baby was and she was afraid that I was wise to it.She had been marginalizing me for a couple months.when I wanted to talk there was nothing said.I was goaded into losing my patience and was portrayed as being Verbally abusive and a generally toxic male.
It all worked beautifully!
So much loss!nothing but loss!

Serena says January 9, 2020

Thank you for the article. I certainly related to all that you described and have experienced it all. However, I must add that my narc also discarded me at times when I was experiencing very positive moments in my/our lives. For example, when we were on a romantic holiday in Europe, that I had planned and dreamed about for years. I can not describe the pain and distress and fear I went through in a foreign country alone when he raged and abused me publically and in private and then left our hotel and walked away. And most recently, to sabotage and destroy my celebration of finishing a university degree that has taken me six long years to do. And yes, this time he triangulated and was involved with another woman. It has been harrowing, again, but my narc loves to destroy my happiness and sabotage my achievements. It will be at Christmas, birthdays or any special time, he will ruin it. He left me in a hospital emergency room on death’s door. So many stories I could tell…
This time has been the last, something snapped in me and I know it is over. The police are involved now due to stalking and threats to my life, but it is most definitely over for me. I just have to find another life when I can pick myself up. Yes, the pain is crippling and I have been through it too many times to count. This is the last.

    Lisa says February 26, 2020

    It’s the last for me too.

Natalie says December 9, 2019

Thank you very much Kim! I was abandoned by my fiancé one month ago while I am 5 months pregnant with our first child (a planned child). We were together for more than 9 years and I simply couldn’t understand it at all. I was wondering why he did it, why he changed so much and so suddenly. Why he was so cold and why he was hurting me so much and intentionally and especially now! We even tried a couple therapy but I think he used it just to hurt me even more and then he left anyway. Already during the therapy I realized (with the help of the therapist) that he is enormously selfish and a narcissist. But just now, after your article, it all clicked together. I was generally happy in our relationship and I would never consider myself as being in an abusive relationship but now looking back…I think I chose not to see certain things and signs which for example my mother saw. Thank you again for this article. I feel that now I can really progress on my healing path because I have answers to some of my questions.

Diane says October 13, 2019

My ex just left me with a broken hand and is running with anther woman parading her around in front of me, but still wants me to give him sex and money. I said NO, get it from her.

Karen Babb says October 8, 2019

Why do you still have the Marc around?

Judy says September 16, 2019

There are no words to express my appreciation for you. If it were not for you, I would never think such a condition exists and that I had fell victim to it. I would never know that recovery was posssible.

I pride myself as a superwoman, former police detective and breast cancer survivor. Nothing in in this world prepares anyone, as to how to prevent yourself from becoming a victim of NARC abuse. After reading this piece, I promptly block everyone that exhibits the narc traits. If you’re not careful, you can easily fall right back into that vicious cycle of an abusive narc relationship. Sometimes we ignore the subtle signs and before we know it, we’re hooked. Not any more!

    Kim Saeed says December 2, 2019

    Thank you for your kind praise, Judy.

    You’re a true warrior. I’m glad you are on the road to recovery…and Kudos for blocking folks who exhibit toxic traits. It’s not up to us to make space for that. Wishing you all the very best. Thank you for stopping by 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Katharine says September 14, 2019

I am the single mother of a 48 year old daughter (my only child) who totally turned on and abandoned me after I lost both my home and much of my income at the same time. Looking online to try to understand how she could possibly do this to me, I have come to realize she has narcissistic personality disorder.
I see that your writings primarily deal with “couple” relationships — and almost nothing I’ve found anywhere seems to deal with how a mother should deal with an adult narcissistic child.
Can you direct me toward any groups or writings that deal with this particular pain ?

    Claudia says January 10, 2020

    Hi Katherine,
    I am in the same painful situation as you. My 47 year old
    daughter also abandoned me one year ago and I wish
    we could share more of those same kind of stories and
    not always about couples. Claudia

Why the Narcissist is Not There for You in Your Time of Need - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says September 5, 2019

[…] Read:  Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times […]

Sally flavell says September 5, 2019

My ex abandoned me when my waters broke having his child. He is a doctor. He was cold and completely uncaring. Shocking at the time. Negligent and abusive on all levels! He turned up at hospital and acted the doting father only to return me home and dump me with a newborn. No food or adequate heating. My cries fell on indifferent ears. Now my daughter is 31 and is close to this monster and has abandoned me.
The cycle goes on. Tragic! He has schooled her so well. I am considering reporting his negligence to authorities. Too late but he is a serial abuser to others and in a position of power. He needs to be stopped.

Olivia says August 27, 2019

My mother is the narcissist in my life, she has done this so often to me e.g. when I had a mental breakdown, when I tried to commit suicide, when I was struggling with a terrible pregnancy/ post natal depression/ looking after my seriously ill child. She was rarely there for any of that, and often made me feel worse.
She is moving away soon, thank goodness.

I Was a Horrible Wife - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says August 25, 2019

[…] to enjoy the pregnancy like most women who are blessed with a child.  During this time, I often endured the worst of the abuse.  When I dressed for work, he told me I looked like a hooker (even at eight and nine […]

kay says August 22, 2019

my ex left me twice. first time i was instantly replaced. the very next day. including all our photos. right before our anniversary. right when my grandpa died. i took her back 6 months later. damaged. she treated me bad for 2 years. finally became herself again. started a family. then the annoyance n anger started coming back. then lashing out. then before our 8 year anniversary she left me again. she was talking to another man. but ultimately chose to be her best friends wing girl as they both broke up with their spouses the same weekend. i begged n cried n pleaded. she was harsh n rude n over exaggerated n said she was never Happy. i did so much n only got heart broken in return. im so damaged n i just dont get why im the root to her anger when i stood by her no matter what n even after all the stuff she put me through. she now surrounds herself with other women who agree or enable her decisions . coaching her like she cant think for herself. even her family tried talking to her. they got the cut too. the only people she listens too are people who only know her victim side n who dont know the truth. why is it so hard for narcs to admit they are wrong or made a mistake.

Lorie Renslow says April 4, 2019

Thank you for the reminder over and over. 30 yrs of marriage and tried many times to leave him it become a web .Then he finally left me for another women the best thing that happened to me.Alot of recovery and PTSD still in my life.I have my life back I can see clearer and learn to relax……….Cheers , Lorie

Thuli says March 15, 2019

I am thankful to you in a very big way. I have been following you for a while now. At first you did not make sense, I really could not understand you.
Until I gave myself time. Today, I still have the narc around but I am free as a bird. Even if I see what they do or what they say, I am unshaken. It has nothing to do with me

Anonymous says March 15, 2019

I find this very difficult because it is my adult daughter who
decided to have no more contact with me since June and never
said why only in December she said that she is treated for a major depression when I asked if I could see my 5 year old g.dayghter.
This is not an excuse and it would have been better if she did not
tell me that.

Shirley says March 14, 2019

Narcs are pure evil. I was discarded down in SC; a place I hated and the narc loved. I did not have a job, he took me off our joint credit cards and refused to take me to synagogue sometimes. and when we did go, he would sit across the room from me. Pure evil. My son also hated SC. He wanted to leave. II was told when our lease was up in June of that year, one of us would have to go. I volunteered since I was being discarded any way. I had to take withdrawal from my 401K to move back to MN with our son. I had to start all over. I paid off all my credit cards only to max them cuz I had to buy everything to furnish our place. He shall reap what he sowed!


Karen says March 14, 2019

Spot on

Debra says March 14, 2019

This happened to me in exactly the way Kim describes: I was abandoned and discarded as I was literally dying; called him to be with me as I was being prepared for an emergency surgery to save my life and he ignored me…I will never forget sitting up in the hospital bed after the surgery that night and wondering how I could be so foolish to believe he was actually capable of not only loving me, but being there for me. The hatred, pure disgust and trauma have only begun to express themselves and I pray that I have the wherewithal to not only heal physically but psychologically to a place that I can ever depend or trust another man, ever again. I’m convinced that we have not only an epidemic of these kinds of people but that soon there will be public resources like the domestic violence hotline, simply for the impact of the psychological abuse. I’m grateful that I am alive, and grateful that I was able to find a local therapist who is helping me through this trauma work.
DO NOT WAIT-GET OUT NOW—if you are considering if you should stay or go, you need help to get yourself there—make a plan for psychological support and then—GO. Your very life may depend on it!

    Sally flavell says September 5, 2019

    Debra i agree totally with you about getting away and getting help. Sometimes thats very hard if the narc abuser uses his power to denounce you to family and friends. So going to a good therapist is vital. One who will stand with you and keep re affirming you. Its what every victim needs to be able to heal and grow. Well done for getting free and i hope you do find a good caring normal partner one day who will nurture you and have patience and time during the inevitable moments where you will find it hard to trust and open up. To be your true and whole self. I have a lot of men wanting to connect but my trauma was so deep i havent been able to although i have tried. One day maybe i will be healed enough. May peace be with you.

An Inside Look at the Valentine's Day Narcissist Script - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says February 10, 2019

[…] Take-away – If you find yourself abandoned on Valentine’s Day, don’t take it personally.  Remember that everyone in the narcissist’s life is a pawn, something to be moved around in order to achieve their self-serving strategies.  And if you dare to put your foot down and point out their painful behaviors, be prepared to be discarded…often without warning, and often on special occasions like Valentine’s Day.  […]

michael cohen says October 7, 2018

Thank u, so much. I’ve been chasing for the last three years trying to solve problem after problem after problem jumping through all of the hoops. I know that it’s damaged me mentally.

Rokkstaah says September 19, 2018


Dee says August 24, 2018

Thank you for this. I can absolutely relate to this. The story of my 3 year long relationship. Luckily, I am out of that now and striving for a complete healing.

Lilly says August 4, 2018

I am going through worst with my Narc now. I can’t visit family I cannot play sports or go to work anymre, But I can only stay home take the kids, no freinds or family.

    Sally flavell says September 5, 2019

    Lilli please find a therapist or go online and get help anywhere you can. So important you get support now. You are so important. Believe it. I was allways looking for support from family but they could never understand what it was like being abused in the way i was. Now i get it. I found a great online forum where i could spill my guts and got amazing feedback on a regular basis. It got me through having this wonderful group of women who had been through same type of abuse. They were true friends at a dark time.

bobbi says July 27, 2018

Kim –

I am at the moment, going thru one of the most helpless episodes of my life. I realize fully that I am in a relationship with a cerebral narcissist. Unfortunately, my kids age 25 my daughter who is pregnant and my son, age 18 live with me as well. Both think i am the crazy one as he only acts evil behind closed doors, out of site of them.. Of course I dont want to tell them the mean things he says about them especially since we have only lived in his house for a week today. I know I need to pick myself up & remember how cold he is when Ive been crying for days as he literally doesnt talk to me unless he has to. He told me we would be more of a normal couple when I moved in yet he now leaves fir work at 5 am home at 6pm to bed at 6:30 pm. We havent had sex in about a year. IM SICK TO MY VERY CORE THAT MY WOMANHOOD & SELF ESTEEM IS SO VERY NON EXISTENT THAT I WOULD ALLOW Y BLINDERS TO INCLUDE MOVING INTO HIS HOUSE TO FURTHER MANIPULATE MY VERY LIFE. Thank you for your continued support. In my moments if sanity & clarity, I am planning my exit albeit painfully slow & exhausting. I NEED TO BE CLOSED TO HIS LIES.


Cheryl Mastermaker says July 27, 2018

This is -exactly- what Narcs do!
I lived this too. Thank you for sharing Kim. XO

Lori Tikka says July 26, 2018

Thank you Kim. This is exactly where I am right now. He now wants to be friends with me and in turn share his problems with her with me. I want to go no contact and do for a week or two and then I unblock him. This article really helped me.

    Kim Saeed says July 29, 2018

    Hi Lori,

    Sadly, this is a very common thing. This is how they start triangulating between you and the new person so that the two of you will strive to be number one. All so he can feel powerful and sought-after. The best thing you can do is leave him for good. If you need help, feel free to check out my courses up top in the menu section.

    Wishing you all the very best.

    Kim XoXo

Dqwn says July 26, 2018

I relate very much to the discards and trauma bonding. But my ex had behind my back sought out his next supply/victim on my Facebook friends list with a women I didn’t know accept through social media and similar friends. We had just for 2 months started messaging each other and were making plans to meet for girls night and during those 2 months I shared with her how I didn’t feel connected to the man I was seeing for the past 3 years and it was hurting me and how much I adored him and how he’s made me love him and I even said his name and also I was going through a gut wrenching custody issues with my sociopathic ex-husband and he had traumatized our kids after visiting him seeing he abused them when he was drunk driving them forcing them to drink alcohol totally emotionally devastating our son my torturing him with a doll making him sleep with a doll under his fitted sheet in the pitch black and my son cried himself to utter exhaustion then he fell asleep and he begged me never to let him go to dads again
. The therapists of the kids called Dcf up on my ex and he threatened our daughters life making her lie to Dcf and say what he wanted her to say which was my mom threatened me and my brother that she’ll kill herself if me and my brother moved to our dads .. I was substantiated with abuse and neglect and the kids now live with their dad. This was feb 2017 when this change took place I’ve been in trauma therapy for over a year I lost everything and the Narc during all of this didn’t believe me either and discarded me and that women he saw briefly and told her lies about me but my ex husband hired that same lady to watch our kids during the investigation. Which I think they got together to torture me Under the radar seeing that women didn’t know my boyfriend all of a sudden Is dating him and my ex-husband has hired this same women to watch the kids I was so upset oh ya and she blocked me and didn’t believe anything I told her but believed the narcissist exbf and sociopathic ex-husband and my life was in a state of shock to say the least and Dcf abused me and my kids and I lost friends family my home and my kids and I don’t know how to bring this to justice I want to sue Dcf for ruining my life. I never did anything wrong to my kids accept love and protect them and I was blamed for everything. So I do know they destroy us and why isn’t dcf and family court updated with these anti-personality disordered people. I wish people like yourself would reach out to the family courts and Dcf/ Cps organizations that are so wrong with their ways of investigating and the victim suffers immensely and I don’t trust my ex with the kids he did so many things to them and threatened their lives and he knows they still know this and they will do anything to remain looking like the good parent or not doing anything wrong., I worry all the time this is terrible and I suffer I want my kids ok

Shawn says July 26, 2018

After a six year separation the narc divorced me during stage four cancer of the anus. Yes I manifested a pain in the ass he had been into cancer of the anus. I asked he postpone the divorce until I could be there and he agreed BUT DID IT ANYWAY. Leaving me with nothing. Talking about a low blow. That’s about as low as someone could get. Thank all goodness his parents had given us property together. Which he did everything he could to get me to give it back. I have continued to try to have him buy me out but to no avail. The property is where I reside now in a shed with no power or running water but its all I have for now. I am disabled by all the surgeries and have yet to find work that suits me or I’m suited for. I love my little shed and the property on which its located. And find it peaceful to be in nature. BUT he still tries to make it as difficult as possible for me with all his antics and crap. But now with the new found formation I have from you and others on narcissistic abuse I no longer take it to heart. I know everything has led me to this point in my life and I am HAPPY for it. I am a very caring giving understanding and loving person who just fell for a sick heartless poor soul. My question is it wrong of me to feel sorry for him and so sad that he is so broken ??? Thank you for all you do enlightening us all on this subject !!! Sending love and administration!!

Christina says July 26, 2018

Okay, so I tried the whole, “don’t let him get to me” thing and it just went from really bad to really worse. When I showed him that I didn’t care whether he ignored me or not, it really pissed him off. I was like, okay I’ve got the upper hand finally! WRONG!!! So totally wrong. He lashed out like never before. The things he said to me really hit me hard. Even the physically kicking me didn’t hurt as much as the words did. I don’t think I will do that again. I’m getting closer to leaving. Each time he thinks he’s tearing me down, I get a bit stronger to leave.

    Linda says March 14, 2019

    The words hurt because he knows your insecurities and focuses his comments on them. Keep getting stronger and you will get to a point where NOTHING he says will hurt you because you know only a weak person does this. You can do this Christina! 🙂

    Karen Babb says October 8, 2019

    Please LEAVE!!!

Ann says July 26, 2018

I have been trauma bonded to two different types of narcissist in 5 years. I want to be mindful of and safe present moment. I need to talk to a therapist that knows about this.

Can You Make a Narcissist Finally Commit? - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says April 29, 2018

[…] the most heartbreaking stories I hear from clients and followers is how their narcissistic partner discarded them at the worst possible time.  This might include the loss of a job, failing an important exam, following the victim’s […]

Tony says April 22, 2018

Thank you. I was treated in this manner and thought I was losing my mind. Looking back at the events of the the last year, let alone how her father treated her as a child, and it all makes sense. Moving forward and have placed a zero contact policy.

    Kim Saeed says April 30, 2018

    Sounds like you’ve come up with a terrific plan, Tony!

Tony says April 22, 2018

Thank you for this article. She , the woman I lived with, matches what you write about. I thought that all of the things that I was being subjected to were in my head. She did EVERY ONE of those things that you write about to me! Thank you for shining a light on this.

Lynn says February 7, 2018

After being with this man 42 yrs married to him 32 yrs and 2 beautiful daughters we just moved into the retirement home we just built and I received a text that wasn’t meant for me. turns out theres been many , the man lived a double life even having a 20 yr affair with someone from our church a woman at his work and now this woman, and to find out the work trips where he was traveling out of town some did not happen, he was staying right in my hometown at the different womens homes. I have a no contact and a restraining order the woman even tried friend requesting my adult daughters. So very damaging so heartless. i have strong faith a great circle of friends and strong family ties but i had to crawl out of the deepest darkest hole I believed I could and I did.

tlynn says February 1, 2018

My sons and I were moved across country for my ex husband narcissists career. I was sitting in Colorado , with no car ,no job and no friends and he started to devalue , and degrade me. It was bad, he wouldn’t stop , he tried convincing me that I had borderline disorder . I was at my lowest I have ever been. I caught on after he wrote rules that I had to follow , my son said to call the police mom. I told him to get out. I later filed divorce and had to move myself and my sons back across country with absolutely no help. This was a perfect example of how a narcissist will strip you of everything and isolate you just to break you . I escaped and I am rebuilding my life one piece at a time , I never knew such evil existed .

    Diana Everett says March 14, 2019

    Well done. Your escape took a lot of strength and courage.

Anonymous says February 1, 2018

Yes , it’s so true with me …..letting me know the relationship was over when after 15 years I got sick. The nightmare began as it was the first time I ever got very sick…ever. There are a hord of covert narcissist examples. Here’s one that explains what they’re like. Never did I ever go to emergency before but I had to go. I was so sick, my spouse said they’d take me but not stay there. Why, because it takes too long! This monster was not working that day nor had any place to go. Wish I’d known sooner what I was with…..15 years….yes there were signs in hindsight I c it all now. Spouse said they didn’t want to spend the next 20 years with a sick person. By the way I’m healthy again and jog 6 miles ……Boy could I tell u stories. When the wolf in sheeps clothing finally reveals themselves be prepared to c something u never knew existed!!

    Rose says June 28, 2018

    I was dealing with a Schizoid/Narc, I think they call that double-axis. Very secretive all the time. Very generous but clearly money was his source of attachment. Emotionally detached but would go through the motions. Never could give you any answers as to how or what he felt about the relationship. Communication was often only about what he wanted to talk about. Very much in denial as to his part of the breakdown of the relationship. At the end (12 year relationship-married 4years), he was cruel enough to say, he never loved me. It was the worst thing I’d ever gone through… but for my relationship with Christ Jesus, I would be damaged goods. It was total abandonment once he decided to tell me he “wasn’t happy”, words he never used in 12 yrs. Very easily influenced by a 1st-degree relative when making a decision on how to feel or what to do about staying in or leaving a relationship. You are absolutely right about just going along to get along. If you ever bring up your frustrations with their lack of attention to the relationship and insist on some reasonable discussion as to what can be done to address relational concerns, well you might as well be talking to a brick wall. They will also give you the Silent Treatment that they can endure for hours, weeks and months. You do miss certain things about them, but they are vampires. The intention to LOVE is just not there and you suffer because you’ll never get that bond of intimacy…..married or not! Life is Sweeter when you live in the Light. Darkness & Love do not go together!

Chrissy says February 1, 2018

Hi Sam,

Thank you. I wish I could say things had gotten better but they havent. I gave birth on Thanksgiving early and the baby was stillborn. I went through the hospital stay alone. The funeral alone and am now grieving alone. Which honestly is all fine by me. He has been a complete monster through this whole thing. I cant even comprehend what goes through their minds at all.

Sam says February 1, 2018

Hi Corinne
Congratulations on your pregnancy
And if you haven’t. Given birth yet please hide the baby. It can only get worth if he sees the baby. I am living a nightmare for the past year , my ex narc discarded me (I left following horrible verbal and emotional abuse when my daughter was 7 months). The couple counsellor who saw us when I was 3 months pregnant tried to warm me to run back to my original country and never come back but at the time I was still enmeshed and in denial. I had the baby and stayed 7 months my daughter is now 16 months and I can’t tell you the suffering and the maniipulation I have endured. It is a nightmare and all the woman in my support group are going through the same battle custody. They are just out to destroy us and don’t care about the damage they inflict of their children. It gets worst I promise so if you can. It is worth all the money or child support in the world. You are so much better off without him and your baby too. Please educate yourself about narcs and don’t look back and find a good therapy and YouTube videos on Narc abuse and children custody. You can save your baby s life

Cindy Brown says January 14, 2018

At the worst possible time. The narcopath I was married to for 24 years selected the week after our youngest child went off to college to abandon me. To add insult to injury, he sneaked out while I was at the gym, leaving a goodbye note that he didn’t even sign. Within a couple of weeks, he was on Match.com looking for his next source. I say good riddance.

Suzanne Ianieri says January 13, 2018

I have been in hell for 20 years and what I’ve been through is beyond comprehension. I’ve been researching desperately for some kind of answer or help to get me out of this unrelenting torture. It’s so incomprehensible what this man has done to destroy me and “our child” so much so that I know nobody will believe me. I’ve lost my family , I’m stuck in this nightmare. Please ,help me. Psychiatrists can’t get it and I need to end this. I am in the grip of a very sick narcissist. There is not enough space this way to even begin to explain. So I am at the very end of this. I cannot go on and my now 17year old child is so damaged she knows and remembers how her father so disgustingly plotted and planned to get rid of me to use her as a means for attention and to throw me away so cruelly and so coldly like I was a nothing. He was able to plan and my plot behind my loving and trusting back ,along with his psychopathic mother only to use my precious baby for attention and praise as the noble heroic single dad who was left to raise this baby from as a “single father ‘while he took me to court out of nowhere. w with their money connections and my devestion I was nonexistent and my 1 year old was told that I left him to marry someone else. Oh my God really there is not enough time to go through protective orders filed behind my back while we were “together” as a married couple. There is not enough room to even remotely explain the shock and terror of how this monster totally changed who I was and who my 5 siblings knew me.

How to Crush It if the Narcissist Pulls Their Holiday Disappearing Act - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says November 1, 2017

[…] does this happen? Because narcissists love to discard people at the worst possible times and they think nothing of using your tender feelings of holiday nostalgia against you to their […]

Lana says October 16, 2017

Thank you for that article. I had this happend to me this summer same exact scenario.. traumatized me even more while going through a death. This sheds some more light. It is truly scary stuff. Still healing and best wishes you everyone else!

Anonymous says September 25, 2017

This was awesome! It helps to make me feel better, just knowing that this is what my ex-husband did to me. And….in his words, I beat him to the punch (by leaving). I will now let go of all of the things he did, so I can truly be free.

D says September 17, 2017

I was married to a narcissist for nine and 1/2 years. I had know idea people like this were out there. I often wondered why he did such horrific things to me. I am ashamed and do not tell the entire story to all. He left me on four occasions two were just random following my birthday. I came home from work and he was gone. The third time I cannot even remember what “I did to cause it” and the final time was right after I graduated. He would tell me I ruined all vacations, never apologized, beat me and blame me for the beatings. Horrifying experience. Once he lost his sunglasses on vacation and I knew I would pay hell for this. Crazy how people see him as charismatic!! I would not wish this fool on my worst enemy. Womanizing, wife beater, liar and thief. Again, very charming, and loving in the beginning but BEWARE they cannot hold it together long and soon you will be the next victim

Corinne says August 3, 2017

I am so glad (maybe comforted is a better word) that I stumbled across this post. I have recently been abandoned by mine after 7 years. I am 5 months pregnant with his son. Ive known something was “off” with him for quite awhile now, but honestly thought he was bipolar. The monster that came out when I told him I was pregnant was horrible. He claims he has had a vasectomy and although I begged to go see a urologist with him or that he come to see my doctor with me , he wouldnt do it. I now know he has multiple other women that he has kept on the side and I’ve been totally cut off with zero support. I cant explain the complete horror that at my age I have to deal with something like this. Im humiliated and mortified and so heartbroken. I even went through a several week period where I couldnt get out of bed because I actually felt guilty for “ruining his life”. I shouldve listened to my gut. But these people are such powerful manipulators. I have absolutely no idea what I should tell this child or what Im even going to tell anyone else. I cannot even begin to imagine what he is telling people..if I even exist at all.

Hope says July 27, 2017

My husband takes me on a date,we have a great time.He said I want you to be happy and I want you to remember this day.we went home and the next morning he left me to marry an other woman.He said I take you on a date because I want you hate that because when I left you ,you hate dating.i did it because I want you to remember the pain and you are no thing with out me.He broke my heart but I don’t give up.Now he want me back to him!!!!

    Anonymous says September 25, 2017

    Yeah, kick that lyin Bozo to the curb sister! You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are worthy of the BEST! HE IS NOT!

Jmadalone says July 20, 2017

I was married to a narcissist for 21 years but had no name for what I was dealing with until 2 years after our divorce ( which was filed and finalized in 90 days after 21 years..) I was such a ptsd wreck and just wanted to die! We have 3 amazing daughters… at the time our oldest was in her second year of college. Our second was getting ready to graduate from high school and our third was a junior in high school. He moved me out of our house.. filed for a legal separation ( knowing he planned to petition for a divorce at our final court hearing) but he put me as the petitioner … (he has a very Nobel image to uphold he’s a VP at a large Christian nonprofit organization)…. the stress from the knowledge that there was a new family he was “love bombing” devastated my two girls that were still at home and myself to the point I threw a blood clot to my lung and almost died… it’s been almost 7 years now and I’m now married to my high school sweetheart that helped me remember who I am and how strong and valuable I truly am!! I feel so blessed to finally be seen and heard but mostly truly loved and adored!!! My biggest concern is obviously our daughters. They know that he has deep issues but still want a relationship with him. They go through the cycles of love bombing then dismissal then rejection then he will apologize and love bombs them again.. they are now 25, 23 and 21… they love him very much but I know they will never be able to have a healthy relationship with him and with my younger two especially it’s effecting their ability to trust men… I’m really not sure how to help them… he really doesn’t have a clue how to relate to them without just indulging them with material things… I buffered their relationship with him their entire lives and without me in the mix it’s been a real struggle… I could use some insight!! I think for all of us our view of “normal ” is so broken that we question everything and I honestly don’t know if we will ever really recover from his mental and emotional control…

    Anonymous says September 25, 2017

    Shame on him! But let me remind you, the battle is the Lord’s. He will fight for His child, and the consequences for coming against a child of God when claiming to be a Christian are extremely great! Press on in the Lord Sister!

    Anonymous says January 16, 2018

    I have a similar situation, only he plays my sons and daughter since I stopped all contact. They should stop contact, I know from experience it is the only way to recover and heal. My ex now works in the European Parliament with his charm, he will continue to be the narcissist , I know,

Diane says July 7, 2017

Having lived with 4 narcisstic in my life, I know the pain. Recovering was challenging as I had so many flashbacks. Now I try and remember that learning to be grateful for the good in my life erases all the bad they have done. Gratitude makes depression and sadness go away I find t works like magic.

Lorraine Wilcock says March 6, 2017

I too was left reeling when I told my ex I had just received a cancer diagnosis and he abandoned me then let me know he had a new partner about 2 months later to be honest I feel sorry for her I’ve had 9 years of hell. We broke up in Oct 2010 and it took from then til August last year to make a final break my relationship with him always felt like unfinished business but that business is definitely finished now in fact it nearly finished me off I have PTSD and feel truamatised by it all. He was an illegal immigrant living in a damp bedsit when he walked into my life I was his hidden secret because he was playing the pious Muslim man biggest hypocrite that walked God’s earth he never told his mother or family about us never visited my home town with me took me out or was seen in public with me. I helped him with his stay finances kept a roof over his head he used to come back to use me for sex. I knew this and yet felt powerless when he rang or came to my door. I was just an object to him I relied on him emotionally and he knew this as I had a very difficult relationship with my mother turns out she is a narcissist whilst in relationship with him I went into psychotherapy 4 years later I understand. Believe it or not I first learned about narcissim through pin interest it was the biggest revelation as it dawned on me that not only was my mother a narc but my ex to the understanding helps but the pain has been massive I truly believe the stress of my relationships with mother and ex is what contributed to my cancer diagnosis not only did he discard me but my own mother did too this condition is evil and pernacious and has nearly destroyed me as a sensitive empathy

    christine says March 28, 2017

    Lorraine, its a familiar ground, not very pleasant at all – although really that is an understatement – its more like hell to have had a Narc mum, marry a narc. It is more when narc hubbys mum is also Narc, then some of your siblings turn out to develop narc symptoms and you remain the scapegoat to all these people. What is more, I have realised victimes seem to have a magnet for narcs wherever they are – home, office, church etc. Its a reality am currently living with , and being in Africa where narcissism is hardly known leave alone recognized, where mum can never be associated with any ‘negative thoughts’, where husbands are always right, where first borns are supposed to be the best of examples to siblings and ensure unity in family. .

    Anonymous says June 26, 2017

    i too after 21 years of marriage was discarded right before our anniversary and right after my mom passed away, both happened close together when he discarded me and seeing someome else

    Anonymous says September 25, 2017

    I will pray for You! Cancer is a tough brake, but Jesus is The great physician! I want you to know ….THAT YOU ARE HEALED IN JESUS NAME! HE IS is the only one you need. He will be with you even till the very end of the age! Just call on His name ask Him to come and be near you, ask Him to talk to you, to real Himself to you. He is always there to listen and care for you….I know, He saved me.

Jolynne says February 5, 2017

How do you get over wasting 25 years of your life with a totally worthless *Sshole? Mine did the discard the week my baby left for college. Empty nest syndrome on steroids. The mask fell off and he left and acted like he was trying to escape a crazy wife The crazy was all him. He lied so well and avoided conversation by acting like he was working 60 plus hours a week. Once he was gone he moved right in with his ow. People started telling me about the indiscretions, how he wasn’t faithful his drug use and my world fell apart more. Why didn’t they tell me before I lost all my financial footing and he had emotionally abused me to the point my life seemed hopeless? I was too freaking bone tired from having all household responsibility and scared of his wrath to follow him and figure out where he was. Every time I questioned his activities I was gaslightted. A normal person has no idea what life with a narcissist is like. They know how to hide their total lack of empathy and conscience, you are living in a fog (fear, obligation, guilt) trying to get the normal back so you don’t even recognize it until you are away from them. I am so much better without him, and grateful my kids were home for the summer break and got to experience life without drama, alcoholism and drugs. but my narcissist wasband’s evil was so beyond my comprehension, I can’t stand the thought of ever seeing him again.

    Kim Saeed says February 7, 2017

    Hi Jolynne, thank you for sharing here. I am sorry for what you went through, though as you know, you and your children are better off without all the drama. While that does little to help you emotionally, I hope you will commit to your healing. It may be a long journey, but totally worth it.



Carlos Vasquez says January 17, 2017

After 17 years of a marriage with ups and downs, with a lot of red flags I chose to ignore, I didn’t know that her behavior had a classification, NPD.
I decided to become an independent contractor and I resigned from the job I kept for 13 years, good money but I wanted more, retire and be more time at home with my family, she said she would support me in that decision I made. Of course moral support, I would have to still provide at home.
I started receiving calls from customers asking when I would be available for them, I was real happy for the first time in many years. She even asked me why I looked so happy, she didn’t like that I was happy.
I traveled to an Island in the Caribbean for my first assignment, she took me to the airport, hugs, kisses and “I love you’s”.
When hours later I got into the apartment the customer provided, I sent her a message and photos of the apartment. She replied that I was happy doing that and I didn’t care about the family, that she decided that our marriage was over.
She discarded me over whatsapp and planned this precisely in one of the happiest moments I ever had in years.
The rest for the following two years has been a nightmare with false accusations in court, silence treatment for the past 18 months, and verbal aggressions when she needs more money.
I finally filed for divorce last December.

    Lil says February 4, 2017

    Why are people so cruel I don’t get it

Sandi says November 5, 2016

Thank You for writing this….I have been abandoned by my Narc H when?….Just as I am having a repeat Mammogram and now a biopsy. He has not said one word about it but has complained about his own aches and pains so much so, I’ve actually had to laugh to myself cuz it has been so pathetically obvious! But now I understand what’s up. What an ass. I might go to a motel tomorrow night or make other arrangements for my own transport cuz the truth is…I don’t care anymore. Screw ’em. I am done with this crap.

    Kim Saeed says November 6, 2016

    Hi Sandi,

    Reminds me of when I woke up from surgery after having one of my ovaries removed due to a tumor. My Ex was every bit of an ass as your Narc H is.

    If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would leave his butt in a flash. See if you can find a friend, family member, or even a co-worker to go with you…and yes, stay in a hotel. You don’t have to subject yourself to his selfish and childish antics. He just wants a witness to his crazy.

    Best of luck with your biopsy. My sister is a cancer survivor, so I can relate to what you are feeling.


    Andy says November 6, 2016

    Yep the narc I was with find to show their true colors until once in 15 years I got really sick, fine now. Always thought this person was lacking compassion and something was not there in the personality makeup. This person turned out to be a covert narricist . Who new…..everyone loved them but there as no dept on on their part though they played the part well. The last 6 months of the relationship when the wolf in sheep’s clothing showed their real self it was as if Hitler and a dual personality was there. I could not believe this person could be so cruel. Plus, never saw this coming…..thought the relationship was fine. I just accepted the silences and personality weird traits because this person was so cool to be with. fifteen years, sorry I ever met them.of course r small group of friends , my only family , continued to party with the narc never to be heard of again. Covert narcs r the opposite of overt. They play it cool, calm, never bolster their position they let others do that. But they r the center of attention at a party but always maintaining a sense of calm and false caring for their objects though it’s always general caring never specific and never last once they’re away from the person.

      Brianna says December 7, 2016

      OMG!!! I relate to your story so much. I cannot to relate to the narc who puts you down. My husband did it a different way and most with this facade of the nice integral loving doting husband. He had everyone fools including me. We were together 16 years and married 12. It’s been a nightmare since he discarded me for ow and then I saw the person I thought I married turn into an alien. mean conniving deceitfully liar and cheater. I would have never married him had I known who he really was…. After 4 years of court battles and sheer terror and pain, I’m done. I have to believe it> The love of my life is a dangerous Narc. Blessed are the women who never get to meet one of these: The covert narcissist Thank you for your post.

        Andrea says December 7, 2016

        Hi Brianna……do note……the narricist in your life will go on with their life as though u were a footnote…a comma in their life. Just know u r a person worthy of love. U just fell for a person who can’t love has no empathy and doesn’t even know they r different from others. Stems from childhood and they have never known anything different so they just assume nothing is wrong with them. The perfect killing robot……scary huh. Just go on with your life and understand how u were treated had nothing to do with who u r as a person. They only c u as an object. They only think about themselves. Their ego is very fragile so they look at u as the scapegoat for their unhappiness. They will never know real happiness because deep down that hate themselves. But of course this is buried so deep. This is why they need to be liked by all it keeps their torment buried. At least this is the info. I’ve learned from reading and educating myself about these sick scum inhuman things?

        Rosemary says August 25, 2017

        Brianna, I’ve been with him for 1, yr. And 1 month and yep he’s an asshole! God I dnt understand how he create monstors to go around hurting woman like this he makes me sick I live with him as boyfriend and girlfriend I want to move out.

Tim says November 5, 2016

OMG seeing this has confirmed everything I have been journaling for the last 6 months. I just went through 10 years of this and feel like I have PTSD from it. I went to a therapist and they laughed when I said that. When my “girlfriend” disappeared when I was having total knee replacement surgery my kids and family basically said they would kill me if I did not try to see what she had been doing to me. I finally broke it down in my journal but could not find anyone to validate what I came up with. Until now. Thank you. And now I know there is also a path to complete recovery.

    Kim Saeed says November 5, 2016

    Hi Tim, thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, healing is possible and I truly wish you all the best in your path.


Vanessa says November 4, 2016

I was having a huge problem at work in which I was taking my boss to an employment tribunal. Exh wouldn’t let me talk about it. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and he kicked me out.

Almost two years on he’s still trying to ruin my life.

    Lyndsay says January 18, 2017

    Mine did the same. Added to my work stress by being erratic and controlling, then left me when I had a breakdown.

Chauntelle says November 3, 2016

Thank u for this article. That is exactly what I have figured out is the Reason I haven’t & can’t seem to seperate myself from this toxic demon that I Need to cut all ties with. I cling to the situation like a starving spider monkey. And Ive actually spent a good year +, working on “me” & preparing my emotional shortcomings to becoming stronger to be able to leave & Not Return. I feel like I Need someone there for me to cling to for my emotional security & peace of mind in order for me to do this. It sounds even more awful writing it than when I admit it. But sadly that is the case. I almost want to hire a “nanny”, lol. Someone who I can pay just to be “there” so I dont feel so alone and abandoned. Abandonment syndrome is oh so real & oh so debilitating & annoying to have. I hate it. If I didnt have that I think Id be alright.

Melissa says September 23, 2016

Wow. Many of your articles have hit home for me — and this one….just wow. You seriously know exactly how the soul suckers operate.

    Kim Saeed says September 25, 2016

    Hi Melissa. Well, let’s say there’s no better education than trial by fire. I’m glad you are finding useful information here 🙂


    Julius says November 3, 2016

    I’m also blown away and a little embarrassed..My wife who i thought was the love of my life is like a textbook narcissist..word for word..every tactic,…I’m still having a rough time, she did discard me at THE worst time in my life, but these groups and forums are really helping me. Thanks for the help, I’m usually a mess all day until i start studying this subject. I know i’m not alone.

      GayeLynn says November 4, 2016

      I’m replying as a question for Kim to answer your statement Julius~
      “My wife who i thought was the love of my life is like a textbook narcissist..word for word.”
      WHY? Why don’t they just veer off the sociopath path, EVER?
      Why are they so textbook?
      You’d think they’d be smart enough to try and trip us up that way.

      Then again, I guess they do, don’t they?
      My 5.5 year relationship was 85% good and only 15% bad.
      (Which was much better than my 17 year marriage percentage) :/.
      That’s why we stay until the end where they all pretty much do that part exactly the same.

      Painfully…..VERY painfully

      yasmin kellner says November 5, 2016

      I have just been through 8.5 years with a sociopath narcissist , I understand and feel the same ……..its really hard to get over the manipulation …….I believed, as his psych did that it was bi polar and learnt childhood behaviour ….He was the victim when it suited and I could never be good enough or care enough………..it s crazy making

Sara says August 21, 2016

@ The Pinch . I already went to a Pschiatrist and she couldn’t help me with this.I even went to counseling with him along and he eventually stopped after 3 sessions. But i came on this forum because i couldn’t get help elsewhere so im kinda disappointed you sending me to a psychologist . I just want to anwers .

    Kim Saeed says August 22, 2016

    Hi Sara, there are some great counselors who are very educated in narcissistic abuse. It’s just hard to find them, but they do exist.

Sara says August 21, 2016

I just want to know Kim if he really was a narcist ?or a abuser? He was cop and very controlling .but how come he suddenly dumped me and never hoovered? Can you elaborate?

    ThePinch says August 21, 2016

    I am not a psychiatrist, but I ended up going to one, and lurking around the DSM 5 and so forth. My doctor stated with reservation (he wasn’t there to respond directly) that from all accounts mine was a full blown psychopath – as was my father, and my ex husband.

    Your friend sounds unstable, and that’s all you need to protect yourself. If you want to explore the topic, my suggestion is to develop a relationship with a qualified professional such as a psychiatrist or a psychologist. They will be very helpful in your healing.

Sara says August 21, 2016

I also been in a abusive relationship . Im not sure if he was narcism. But he love bombed me and said he had childhood trauma and didn’t spoke to his mom for 7 years. He bought me a expensive gifts first date and he took me out on fancy dated. Wanted to be with me 24/7 and called me 24/7. He wanted to meet my family early on. Finally went i kind of declined the engagement he started getting mad. And he also critisced me that i looked to often in the mirror and i wear revealing clothes. So eventually he just picked a huge fight of my clothes on his own bday surprise by me. And then i broke up with him . We then went apart for 3 months and thence got together to clear things out. And then he demanded that i kept my problems hidden from my parents with i didn’t agreee on. He never called back neither did i. Since then broken up for 3 years. We had a relationship for 9 months.

Nisha says August 20, 2016

My father did this at every important juncture in my life. literally.

lgd says August 2, 2016

I am astounded at how accurate and true all I am reading here. I just had this happen to me . I caught him making plans with a woman at work. Telling her it was an “Angry Roommate” situation. Soon as his finances was in order so he wouldn’t be homeless or go to jail he would be out of this bad relationship! The tragic part was after almost 5 years of him we were to be married on Dec 31, 2016 our 5 yr anniversary. The other sad is I have 15 months left to get my bachelors’ in psychology. I dropped out the last 2 years after I finished my associates degree bc of all the things always going on with him and trying to get him to the doctor and get him better. He is a paranoid schizophrenic, (his mother and his older brother diagnosed and his brother killed his wife from this) He also is bi-polar and I diagnosed his NPD. I ask his doctor not to list his real diagnosis so he would not loss his gun rights as he is an avid hunter. After all he said he now felt better than he has since he was a teenager now 42. I tried to fix him and he dumped me after all I have helped him through, drugs, alcohol abuse, Fixing his lack in taxes, child support, All throne away! WHY I AM I HURTING SO BAD< knowing it was a bad relationship! I can't comprehend how you uproot , never shed a tear and blame me for your cheating and say such vial vicious cruel things to the only person who knows your darkest secrets, fears, problems. Above all loved you unconditionally! I knew better but I wanted to help him be so much more and we had so many dreams and at this moment I can barely function. I have no friends , my only child was killed in an accident 15 years ago this month. I was married to my soul mate for 14 years who left me and destroyed my world. Shortly after I met this one who has been all I have had he last 5 years. When I say I have no friends I was isolated to them both and I have my mom and dad that was it. I am so not sure I can hang on through another tragedy like this in life.

    Karen says August 3, 2016

    You can do this…Go back to school. Finish your degree and make new friends. Being in your position of helping my ex narc, I will warn you. He will come back and ask for your help again. He may even be with his new person, but tell you they are done and then leave once again when he receives the help from you he wants. This has happened more times than I want to admit with me. My advice change your numbers, block his numbers and don’t look back. Do not let him back into your life at all. Find other activities to keep yourself occupied. Volunteer, go back to school, do anything and everything to keep yourself busy and do not contact him.

      ThePinch says August 3, 2016

      Yay, Karen! You’re the best.

      In a sick kind of a way, this was the best thing that happened to me. I can only say this with fellow Kim people, but in the longer run, it’s true.

      100 days of NC, even though he is 3 doors down. Three months of catcalls, letters, pleading, guilt trips, doorbell rings, phone calls, backyard invasions, self doubt, sending in friends….

      I’ve worked so very hard on being superficial. Thank God for Ferrgamo pumps when you need them most. 😉

      All kidding aside, i know now that he is a psychopath, and any attempts that he makes to reconnect with me are TO HURT ME, up to and including violence.

      I’ve made some great inroads into my family of origin stuff, and I now know emotionally why I have a history of this kind of … mammal.

      That through Kim and friends, I don’t have to continue this way. That alone is a quantum leap.

      I had the confidence to finish my house and list it. While it may seem sad that I’m selling, the price groundbreaking, and I am getting plenty of showings! To be honest, that little cottage on the water that I have always wanted is one step closer.

      I’ve completed 90% of the book I was writing. I was so furious that I had allowed myself to sink to his level that I attacked the keyboard and let it rip.

      True confessions: It’s been hell. This was worse than quitting smoking, because the rewards were not obvious. In truth, I really didn’t know where or why, only that I had to change.

      If I can pull this off at 63, anybody can. Stick with the winners – and with Kim.


        Arlene McKenna says February 5, 2017

        So happy to read your story. Hope your life is now fulfilled and rewarding. I’m so looking forward to my freedom at 55.

      lgd says August 4, 2016

      Thank you all I appreciate this so very much. I have it in my head, I just cant get it to the heart. I know better by everything I have read and seeing the stories here, I find myself wanting to make that contact with him so bad . Even after finding my mother had a stroke the next day after he left she is till in critical care. I find myself thinking I should use that as an excuse. Then I think he will say you are trying to manipulate me with that stuff. I find every mean cruel word replaying in my head over and over . Asking myself why ? He never left before in 5 years. This was the first how could he not shed a tear not care what he gave up. I even know how much I fixed for him when I met him, His taxes were screwed up, he lost his job and slept for a year in bed saying he was too depressed to do anything. He got on meth and was already and alcoholic and smoked dope when I met him and I overlooked all that. I helped him get of a 4 gr a day Meth habit giving him a little at a time to keep him from going to rehab and people finding out.Trying to find the good in him, help him . I finally convinced him 6 months ago to go to the Dr. get on MEDS, He said he felt better than he had since a teenager and was getting more active. He still raged and raged at times usually about every 3 weeks as it got worse and worse even after meds. I had his Dr list as depression so he wouldn’t be labeled with paranoid schizophrenia . All this to keep him from losing his gun rights. So many things I see I tried to do and had so many hopes and dreams and thought we did together , He has no family here except 2 daughter that quit having anything to do with him 2 yrs ago. Blames me of course but his kids kept in contact with me. He never looked back, not a tear not anything. Why is this devastating me? I used say no one lives for free, he get so mad he makes great money and great benefits but until I took over his finances 3 yrs ago he would be broke in no time. Always my fault. I showed him with me taking care of things we bought a boat took a trip to Alaska and was buying a tractor the weekend he I caught him. Thanks for listening and helping encourage me. I am desperate to do something if its just give up and die to stop this pain. I know I need go back to school and I think how do I concentrate I have no support here and I am afraid to go out by myself, that is first time I admit this I am afraid to be alone I am afraid to go by myself I feel so FAT as he has called me I think I need to lose weight before I can go out. Yet I want to go to find what bar I know he will be at. Also she so much older than him to . I

GayeLynn says August 1, 2016

My Sociopath left me at the ODDest worst possible time!
I was with him for 5.5 years and I’d say the 1st 3 years that he left me so many times, all in all, we were together a year.
Then, he moved into my place in April 2014.
Those WERE a really GOOD (but BAD) 2 years.
Of course, he lived here for free cause I wanted him to pay his “other” bills and needless to say, they were never paid.
I have SOoOOoooo much to say but to reply directly to this post only~He left 6/11/16.
He’s lost his electricity/water to his house, cell phone and his entire business due to not paying the bills.
Because he didn’t pay the back taxes on his house, that is NOW his new loss.
(That’s what I MEAN~He left ME at HIS worst time!(?)
We got into a very stupid fight, (aren’t they all(?) and he packed for 5 hours and LEFT!
I never ONCE thought of stopping him cause I was in SHOCK that he’s leaving a FREE roof to a roof that will no longer be~very shortly.
(They made a 1 time deal with him that his house would go onto the foreclosure list but he could try to sell it within 6 months.)
Either way, the outcome makes him homeless by February 2017.
(The last time I saw him, he said he was going to apply for low income housing and I told him he still has to PAY for that and he said, “Not if I don’t have any money.” I couldn’t believe he thinks he wouldn’t be a “homeless” person and that they would let him live in a low income place for FREE!) haha!!
I have made it loud and clear since last February that I would NOT pay the back taxes owed, about $11,000, so he better think of a way to pay them himself but he didn’t even TRY.
2 Days after the “fight”, I went to his place and told him I wanted him to come home.
He gave me a genuine hug and I assumed that was a yes.
I was under the impression he had his house all cleaned out and just needed a cleaning to get it picture ready to put on the market and I was so impressed he got so far, as he is a hoarder, that I offered to pay the taxes. (DON’T WORRY!~IT DIDN’T HAPPEN as there IS A GOD!! 🙂
We went to get a drink and something to eat and when we got back, I asked to see inside the house and I was again, SHOCKED as he didn’t even START to clean it out.
He did come back to my place that night and he slept like a baby as I paced all night long KNOWing I had no option other than retract the offer to pay the taxes.
When he got up the next morning, we said our Good Mornings and I told him it wouldn’t last and told him I decided to NOT pay the back taxes.
He just said ok.
When I left for work, we kissed good-bye and he said I love you FIRST.
Not sure WHY but my gut KNEW that he’d be gone when I got home and he was.
I waited 10 days and went back to his place and tried again to ask him to come home and asked if I could help him out as in getting a dumpster etc.
Then the dam broke and the rage spewed.
That’s the FIRST time I realized that he WAS with me ONLY for the MONEY!
He’d never come out and directly ask for it.
He just always GUILTED me into giving it to him.
It’s been 7(?) weeks to the day I last saw him and I lost 10 pounds.
(I was already underweight so now I’m REALLY underweight!~90 pounds and I’m 5’4″.)
2 weeks ago, in the midst of this horrendous breakup, my 17 year old cat cost me $1200 to basically find out he’s FINE.
He was hardly eating or going to the bathroom so I KNEW something was wrong and never did I associate him just acting the way I made him feel and I SHOULD have KNOWN better but at least I have a peace of mind that he’s not leaving me anytime soon!
SO, back to my sociopath X~not at all sure of what or why or how or where he’s doing anything right now but I started my OWN smear campaign (I will go into more detail on my own Word-Press blog as it doesn’t seem to fit in this category) once I KNEW deep in my heart that this, being his 384-th time he’s “left” me, was the LAST time as I will NEVER let him back for what he’s done to me!!
I started my blog in 2012 and it hasn’t been updated very well.
YES….I knew what was happening for MANYMANYMANY years but I accepted it as I FELT, at the TIME, this was love.
Ef’d UP love but love all the same as I had MORE fun and did MORE things in the last 5.5 years than I had EVER done prior with anyone else.
That’s where we ALL have a problem that when “they” leave us, we allow them BACK, over and over and over again cause even though our gut KNOWS, our heart sees the good (and it really IS good when it’s GOOD) and our brain makes us blind to the bad (and it really IS bad when it’t BAD!)


Jennifer says July 30, 2016

Hi Fellow Goddess Warriors!! I had no idea, until recently, that I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 6 years. I was discarded, again, catastrophically, 3 months ago. I always thought that narcissists were egotistical, self-centered, successful, intelligent people. I never thought the “thing” I was with was a narcissist because I thought they were supposed to be smart, and my narc was anything but smart. He barely made it through high school. He could barely read. He was definitely egotistical and self-centered. He was 40 years old, and still talked to his mother EVERY DAY. She financially supported him. He was an alcoholic and a pot head. In my defense, we live in a very small town, and there is definitely slim pickins!! We “broke up” a thousand times, but we always got back together. I would initiate the reunions, always. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him with someone else. I thought the pain of the relationship surely beat the pain of seeing him with someone else.

I had no idea what I was until a friend of mine made me research narcissistic abuse. OMG. The first story I read, I was convinced the girl had dated my ex!!! I had no idea of the depth of the psychosis. I kept reading and reading, amazed at every story. How did this happen to me? I always considered myself pretty intelligent. HA!! I am a college graduate, came from a very intelligent family, way too generous, way too eager to help others. How could someone not appreciate that? If I started from the beginning and told you what he did to me and what I put up with, this would go on for pages and pages. I tried changing everything about me, accepting more and more abuse. The limbo bar I had to crawl under became lower and lower, yet I kept taking it. He did everything…EVERYTHING…to me, and he would flaunt it right in front of me. I swear I saw him smiling during one of my breakdowns. I gave him money, I took him places, gave him opportunities he would never have. I was the man in the relationship, always fixing things for him. He was just so “helpless”. Ugh. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. I saw the look my friends gave me. It was a mixture of pity, disgust and disbelief.

The latest discard was devastating. I had been visiting my son, who was having serious depression issues. I had a trip planned to go back to our small town, and the “thing” and I were going to move in together. He always said that he resented that I would never live with him. Did I mention he has serious OCD, and I never, NEVER, did anything correctly in his house? He always came behind me and redid everything. Even though I knew I would be a slave to him, I agreed to move in with him. So, a few days before I was supposed to leave, he went missing. We usually talked several times a day, but he wasn’t answering. I received a very curt email from him telling me he was out of town, and he would talk to me on Monday…the day I was leaving. My flight was leaving at 7:30 p.m. At 4, I had not heard from him, so I called him. He answered cheerfully, “What’s up?” He proceeded to tell me that I should cancel my trip because he had met someone else.

Needless to day, I was devastated. My best friend came to my house, cancelled my flight, and supplied me with Xanax. For 2 weeks, I cried, took Xanax, lost 15 pounds, and contemplated suicide. Through research, I have made incredible steps towards recovery. My dilemma now is this…I am going back to the small town in September. I have asked my friends to not tell me anything about him, so I don’t even know if he is with the girl, with another girl, nothing. I want to prepare myself for seeing him. I don’t know how to react to him. Do I say Hi and act like nothing? Do I ignore him? How do I handle it, within me, if I see him with someone else? I will do my best not to see him, but it is almost inevitable that I will. Also, most of the people in this small town think he is so sweet and innocent. I know he has been telling all of his minions how abusive and crazy I am. I will admit to some crazy behavior, but I know I was driven to act like that. I feel like I should don a T-shirt saying, “I’m with stupid”, and the arrow is pointing at myself!! I am extremely nervous about this, and I welcome any and all advice. I apologize for the lengthiness of this comment, but I promise you, it is the condensed version!!!


JC says July 25, 2016

Hi Kim

Your articles and these blogs help me see a little more clearly. My NS has been going through a divorce, but is a workaholic and claims he has no time, but yet expects me to wait on the sideline until he can make time for him, be at his beckon and call. I go out with friends, and he gets jealous of them. Recently I made the mistake of having drinks at a party and drove home which was close by, and still no excuse, and unfortunately got a DUI (which I was angry at myself for my poor decision making). I’m not alcoholic, just made a poor decision and mistake. I told my NS, and he then started to mentally punish me, and has said some mean things to me, judging, and just knocking my sel-esteem. He then broke up with me and put it down to this one incident. We’ve fought in the past, and he told me he would only see me if I drank water from now on. I felt very controlled and angry at his behaviour. I’ve seen him drink and make a right ass of himself… and yet here he is coming down on me. I don’t take drinking and driving lightly… something I will never do again… but no support, just talks about how tough his life is with his work and divorce. My family and friends who I have talked to say let him go as this seems to be an abusive cycle of his. I really loved him, I’ve been there for him on so many occasions, and now when I needed support, just get verbal abuse. Very hurtful. Today is Day 1 of no contact. Joke is, I miss him, but know this is how life would be with him. Saddens me deeply, as I realize now who he really is.

    ThePinch says August 7, 2016

    A narcissist can cause us to put up with great personal damage. In turn, we have the potential to cause great damage to ourselves, and possibly to others. Things that we would never believe that we were capable of. This is why it is so important for me to set up no contact. It’s not just him, it’s also ME.

    I didn’t drink that much. But I drank and smoked pot for some very good reasons. No one would blame me. I didn’t indulge that much. I didn’t fit the definition. But one morning I realized that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. If I had to quit, so what. No big deal. And to be honest, it wasn’t.

    I started going to 12 step meetings. There I met a lot of men (to avoid) and in time, women just like me. Through them, I came to realize that through my family, I had been pre-programmed to accept abuse. That partaking made me vulnerable to narcissists. And that I would forgive myself.

Springy says July 25, 2016

Ah yes, my “special little narc” decided to tell me as I was getting the kids passports renewed so we could go visit my parents in on a different continent. My dad is terminally ill and living on borrowed time. My narc had been dragging his feet about renewing our eldest’s passport. And now I know why. Rather than the kids and I going to see my parents, we’ve spent the summer working on the divorce. He’s found himself a fellow narc, and they’ve hooked up. Splitting up two families in the process. They have the kids around their new love interest, it’s frankly disgusting.

He also told me this one week before mother’s day and three weeks before my birthday. But I can deal with that. It’s the not being able to visit my parents that’s a killer. My dad is in and out of the hospital. I hope once the divorce is finalized, we can take a quick trip over and visit, even for a week or two.

sonali says July 10, 2016

I was having heart problems and after I found out I needed surgery, he responded by picking up a 20 years younger woman he sat next to in the audience of a show I was in on 12/12/15, while I was onstage. I know I’ve told this story before but it bears retelling because it shows the lengths they will go to to get back at you for seeing through them and challenging their behavior. He could have found a woman anywhere but what better way to stick it to me than do it on my turf right in front of me?

The rest of the month he went back to SUPER love bombing me, it was heaven, just like the beginning…except the damage had been done, I just didn’t really want to be with him anymore. Didn’t know about the woman yet. And then after a wonderful Christmas together, he called me the next day and said he wanted to come over & talk because he thought we should break up. I said “No need to come over, we’re done” and hung up on him. I think his intention was not really to break up but just mess with my head to get a response, because I had pretty much stopped responding to his crap.

I packed all his stuff, put it in the hallway, changed the lock on my apartment door and refused to see him despite his many calls, emails, texts and even showing up at my house. The next day, he told me about the woman, but claimed nothing had happened…yet. I guess I was supposed to be jealous but I wasn’t, I was furious and offended Offended because he thought he was so different and special, but his behavior was so ordinary, such a stereotype. A man in his 60s running off with a much younger woman when his age-appropriate partner has a serious illness is not exactly the road less traveled.

At that point I told him he was dead to me and blocked all avenues of communication. True to narc form, he started showing up at all the places we used to go holding hands with his new young victim. I blocked all his enabler friends on FB. Stopped talking to people who INSISTED on talking about him. Stayed friends with a few who understand that I don’t even want to hear his name. I know nothing about him, or her, and that’s the way I want it.

It’s been 6 months since my 3 year descent into hell with this soul-sucking vampire ended. My life that was in tatters is great, better than it was before. I’m back to making art, performing, thriving and blossoming in every area. I had a very successful heart surgery, lost the 22 pounds I gained due to the stress of being with him. All the other problems I was having- headaches, rashes, IBS, etc, vanished within days of the breakup. I look great, people couldn’t get over how different I looked right after the breakup, they kept saying I looked 10 years younger. So glad to have that sick, twisted narcopath out of my life forever!

    kimraya says July 10, 2016

    Sonali, how refreshing to know of your success after going No Contact. I am delighted to learn you’ve gotten healthy and reconnected with the hobbies you are so passionate about.

    What an inspiration! <3


      ThePinch says July 10, 2016

      Thanks, Sonali. That’s a great story of recovery – and a very strong woman.

      sonali says July 10, 2016

      Thank you Kim and ThePinch. The sad thing is, those aren’t hobbies, I’m a full time artist and performer and he messed up my head so bad I could not do the work that gives me LIFE. But I’m back now and doing the best work I’ve ever done

      I did break NC one time. We broke up 12/27/15 and 12/28/15 I went NC.

      The following month, this past January, the Bronx Zoo had a Valentines Day offer that for a $10 donation you could name a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach in the zoo after someone, and they sent them a certificate by email. Yes, I did it, I knew I shouldn’t but I did. I’m sure he just used that to play the victim with NS and his Enabler Squad but I don’t really care, I want nothing to do with any of them.

      But that gives him supply and I won’t give him any more.

Katie Abbitt says July 8, 2016

When I first met him I had nothing but respect and I very much loved our conversations. He was handsome, intelligent, successful, responsible and nice. As we proceeded, I began to become apprehensive. The way he wanted to move quicker than I was comfortable with. The way he wanted to meet my son before I was ready. The way he lied to me about being married. The way he lied some more once I confronted him. I liked him and wanted things to work so I forgave him and kept him in my life. I was honest about my reservations with him from the start but he convinced me I was just scared about committing because my last relationship was so hard. He told me I could trust him and we could make things work. He took me on trips, to fancy restaurants and was always there. He told me he liked my big heart. I moved in with him but then found out something that literally killed a piece of my soul. He had been seeing another woman. He hid that relationship from me and he hid me from her. I was looking forward to a bright future with him and to provide a nice stable home for my son when all of this happened. He told me he was only with her because he felt I wasn’t totally invested in him. I should have left then but I forgave him again and wanted to make it work somehow. And, so we carried on and bought a house together and had a baby. But, I was miserable. I was unhappy. He put me through hell. The way he disciplined my son and made me uncomfortable. The way he criticized my parenting and made me feel worthless. The way he would get in my face and intimidate me. The way he would stay in bed until noon ignoring my son. The way spending quality time with my son was a chore for him. The way he would tell me everything was all my fault and never take any ownership. The way he couldn’t provide emotional support. The way he expected to be at the top of my list without recognizing or appreciating the other people and interests in my life. When he would distort my reality. When he told me of his unfortunate plight of choosing damaged women. When he would be emotionally abusive and call me unstable for having a reaction. When he acted one way in public and another at home. When it was impossible to connect with him intimately. When his salary was more than double mine but made me feel all spending should be equal. When he told me to treat him like a King before he could treat me like a Queen. The way he never let me talk and always cut me off. The way he used the house as a weapon. When I walked in on him talking on the phone to another woman. When I was 8 months pregnant and he told me to “get out”. When he locked me out of the house. When he put a lock on the thermostat. The way he would pretend and put on a show. The way he treated my son like he didn’t matter. The way he believed he owed no explanation for his wrongs. The way he always gave me the silent treatment. The way he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed in front of our baby. The way he wouldn’t let me pick up my baby when she was crying. The way he completely rejected me at the one of the hardest times in my life, while battling post partum with a 5 month old baby. The way he now has someone new and when I go to pick up my baby, she smells of her perfume. The way he won’t allow me to have feelings about that.

I’m so glad I found this website! I’m already feeling better knowing that I’m validated and it is possible to heal. It’s been two days of no contact and I’m looking forward to the next 6 weeks of additional no contact and self healing. Thank you!

    kimraya says July 12, 2016

    Oh, Katie. I am so sorry he used your children to manipulate and abuse you. I hate that, and I know what it feels like.

    You are much better than he is and were always too good for him. I truly hope you continue to heal, that your relationship with your children grows deeper by the day, and that you experience all the joy and wonder that life has to offer.


      Katie says July 12, 2016

      Aw, thank you so much, Kim! I’m reading How to do No Contact Like a Boss and feeling stronger everyday.

        kimraya says July 12, 2016

        Yay! Glad to hear it, Katie 🙂

sue says July 6, 2016

Dear Kim and Friends, with all the creeps slithering about, it’s no wonder single moms prefer to stay single.

Bc says July 6, 2016

It took me a while to write what I wrote yesterday and for you not to publish it.. That’s a shame you don’t promote other people who work much more deeply with people being narcissistically abused. That’s withholding information. We work together, not in competition.

    kimraya says July 6, 2016

    Hi Bc, I actually approved and responded to your comment, the one about your being devalued when you were pregnant. I am sorry you feel I didn’t publish your comment. If you left more than one, it may be that I haven’t seen it yet.

Anon says July 5, 2016

Guess what I got for my (special occasion!) 50th Birthday?! Discarded!!! You are so right about this Kim. Their timing is cruelly calculated. 3 years out I now appreciate the gift that he gave me for that special birthday. Freedom. No more drama. Still pain of the betrayal and still pondering on what was true and what was fake (everything I bet), but sweet freedom. Good riddance, narc!

    kimraya says July 6, 2016

    Glad you have a pass for your new life, Anon! I hope you’ll take good care of yourself and do all the things you’ve been wanting to do!


barb.may says July 5, 2016

This is so spot on accurate. Thank you. I say thank you because it validates what I already know: it’s not me.

Here is my story. I met the love of my life and we had what I thought was a perfect relationship. Sure he had his faults, but who doesn’t? He had baggage, but so did I. I didn’t think it was anything that was a deal breaker. We celebrated our one-year anniversary and things were fine. There were little things, he wanted a joint Facebook account and would ask me why I was staying friends with people from high school … but I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. He met my family, and it looked like we were going to go to the next step in our relationship … the “m” word!

Then I had to go on a business trip for a week. He had made noises about not liking one of the guys I work with, but I never took them seriously. I knew I wasn’t going to cheat on my love, so people flirting with me were irrelevant. He drops me at the airport Monday morning. He seems fine. I call him when I get to the hotel. He starts picking a fight with me. I go to the first event of the business trip, and he gets mad at me for going. It was a meet-and-greet cocktail hour. He had been sober for 10 years. He got angry and posted on Facebook about how he “didn’t like my company because it promotes alcoholism.” I spend most of the rest of the night on the phone with him, arguing, of course.

Tuesday morning he breaks up with me via text message. I took all of his texts and sent him to his sponsor, because it sounded all the world to me like he was drinking. Wednesday night he posts more stuff (from our joint Facebook account) about me, cheating, and my company. Here is the kicker — the person he was worried about wasn’t even there for 24 hours, because his wife had to be hospitalized. Not that that matters, because by this point, he was making stuff up. Thursday was more of the same, but I still (stupidly) thought that we would patch things up.

Friday night, I get off the airplane, and he’s nowhere to be found. He told my sister that I was getting back together with my ex-boyfriend. He stranded me at the freaking airport. There just isn’t really another feeling like that special humiliation of being stood up at the baggage claim.

I got home that night and deactivated that joint account. He has since then vilified me on social media. He told mutual friends that I had “gone off my meds”, cheated on him (which, I didn’t do), did other “really terrible things.” Yeah, like stood by him through his health issues. And he even told his friends THAT, too: “Me, being a heart patient, I don’t need this! (referring to my alleged cheating)” he told a mutual friend, who has since dropped him.

The thing is, I knew he had trust issues, but I thought he trusted ME at least. I gave him no reason to think otherwise. We talked and texted every day. He knew where I was and who I was with. No trust is a major red flag.

So it’s been over six months and I am still reeling from it. I have kept the no-contact since that first week, because I know there is nothing I can do to fix things. And why would I even want to? I think of him now as a toxic addiction. I would like to know when I am going to get better. When will I stop thinking of him? When will I stop hurting from him? When will I get an explanation of what the hell happened? I don’t WANT to think about him or feel anything for him. I WANT to be over him. But I think I have a ways to go to recovery. Isn’t it sad I imagine getting over him to be like AA?

Where is he now? I don’t know — I have been deleted and blocked on Facebook, which is for the best.

My cousin said it best: “I want you to remember this, when you’re feeling bad: Remember that he has a poor relationship at best with his brother. Remember that he was left off his other brother’s obituary. There is a reason for that, and the reason has nothing to do with you.” She is so right. And intellectually, I know that. It’s my heart that has trouble hearing those wise words.

    ThePinch says September 22, 2016

    Dear Barb.May,

    By co-incidence, I am a member of AA, and have achieved over 26 years of continuous sobriety. In my opinion, it was a wise and compassionate move to contact his sponsor. Again, in my opinion, a screw definitely got knocked loose.

    Back in the day, AA had an expression along the lines of A sober muleskinner is still a muleskinner. There is a lot of work to be done once in sobriety. Not everybody is prepared to undertake these steps. And sometimes, it can happen that drinking was masking underlying illnesses such as narcissism, PTSD, fear of intimacy…or all of the above. In fact, one of AA`s co-founders was treated by a psychiatrist.

    My list of ex SO`s is peppered with alkies. Today, my repertoire of 12 step groups also includes Al Anon. This group was founded by the wife of a co-founder, and is designed for people whose lives have been affected by alcoholism in a friend or relative. Together with Kim`s blog, I have found it to be quite helpful, because we talk about our feelings – not him.

    Good luck, and God Bless!

      sunnychapman says September 22, 2016

      I’ve been sober in AA for 32 years and sorry, I don’t agree with contacting his sponsor. It’s up to the alcoholic to deal with his own disease, and up to the codependent to deal with her own issues of trying to control the alcoholic, better to talk to her own sponsor in Alanon. The right thing for his sponsor to do would be delete those texts because it was not appropriate to send them in the first place.
      The only time we should intervene is if there’s an IMMINENT threat to the alcoholic or others. Like when my sister called to tell me she’d taken a bunch of pills, had more in her purse and was going to take them all. I called the police, hated doing it but if I hadn’t she’d be dead. But would I ever call her sponsor and tell her she was drinking? Absolutely not.
      I learned in nearly as many years in Alanon that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. We all end up in Alanon because we had alcoholics in our lives that we were trying to control and fix, and could not. We needed to learn to detach with love, and keep the focus on ourselves.
      BTW, the NYC version is “You take a son of a bitch and sober him up and what you’ve got is a sober son of a bitch”. 🙂

bc says July 5, 2016

Yep. He was devaluing me slowly through my pregnancy but not letting me go completely (he was married and in the process of re-valuing her). At six months I woke up and cut him loose – but not before he called me to tell me never to contact him again. So I didn’t.

We win. 🙂

    kimraya says July 5, 2016

    Way to show up for yourself, bc!! Woo Hoo!

Anon says July 3, 2016

Another spot on article! I helped my narc through the illness and loss of his mother and was there EVERY step of the way, even helping to plan the funeral. In less than a month he dumped me (again). I ran into him four months later and he said he loved me, missed me, etc. I had just found out I had a brain tumor. When he heard that news I never heard from him again. Two months later he was married to someone else. He avoids me at all costs and refuses to look me in the eye. I’m doing better now but the memory of his abuse still chills my spine.

    Anon says July 5, 2016

    They are absolutely heartless, soul-less. Being with someone so toxic would impede your recovery. I wish you the peace you deserve being away from your narc and a full and speedy recovery.

    Shannon Rosser says July 15, 2016

    Won’t get into my situation in detail, but I had cancer, too. He didn’t leave, but what he did was worse in many respects. Anyway, I was sorry to read about your story and can sure empathize. You are SO much better off without people like this, as am I.
    It took me experiencing something really, really crappy for me to understand that there are tons of what I call low-level narcissists out there who do things not because there’s money or anything really to be gained – they are just jerks totally lacking in empathy and who actually enjoy causing other people pain and trouble. It is very hard to wrap your mind around that because, as I said, there is often nothing gained for anyone and the collateral damage is pretty bad – extended family and friends get hurt, financial impact on everyone (it’s never cheap), etc.
    A lot of people didn’t believe me for a long, long time, and that hurt but I get it now. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, coming from someone I’d known for decadess without any real warning that he was capable of such evil, I wouldn’t have ever believed anyone without a serious mental disorder would stoop that low. And have zero remorse or guilt. I do now believe that it is a serious mental disorder. Sure, he was always pretty self-absorbed, but in many ways, very trustworthy. He used to have some integrity, but that’s all gone now. He lies about stuff that doesn’t even matter. I think his age, and the stress of me no longer being able to take care of him due to me being ill, really worsened what was up till then a mild case of narcissism. Oh, and the evil, also married, stalker in-office GF really helped him achieve some new lows.
    As bad as things got in my case – almost killed me a few times – I still think that I’m better off now than living with that weird, OCD-ish, super passive aggressive torturer. Life with him at the end, and as we got older, was a living hell (he was just like his father, who he hated, and even worse so I knew enough not to think I caused him to behave the way he did). So there’s that. : )
    Hope you’re doing even better now and thanks for sharing your story – it sure does help others. Best wishes for your narc-free future.

The Mont says July 2, 2016

Ms. Kim…I truly appreciate your efforts and commitment regarding NPD people. I’m a man and I suffered greatly from my exN who is a female. God awful actions, behavior and decisions for 25+ yrs. Sucked badly especially for my older son and daughter. I read your blog’s and see all the pain and emotional turmoil in so many peoples lives that post. This is a terrible affection that our entire society is dealing with dad in and day out. I’m NO CONTACT for a very long time now. I continue forward for my sake and my family’s sake. Your posts are well appreciated and loved by those you know what these amoebas are. One celled! Spot on…they never change for the good of their relationship and children. Thank you Kim…the Mont.

    kimraya says July 12, 2016

    Hi there, Mont. Thank you for your input and your kind praise. It’s important for us to remember that women can be just as toxic as men when it comes to narcissism…in fact, I’ve heard many stories by men about their female narcs that would put the garden-variety male narc to shame.

    I hope you and your children continue to heal and grow closer to one another in the process…thank you for stopping by 🙂


      Mark says July 20, 2016


      I can attest to what Kim has said about Narcissistic women; I was with mine for 7yrs and I swear she was the poster child for NPD.

      At one point in time, over a period of a year, both of her grandmothers lived with us, at two different times, both of which passed away during that year. During this time she would go out with her “friends” or be “working late” and I was home taking care of both grandmothers, 2 kids, 4 pets and the house. (I was not her husband, they were not my children or grandmothers, but I loved them as if they were.) I would use Find My iPhone to see where she was and sure enough, she was the next street over at her male “friends” house. On one occasion I walked the dog and took a picture of her car in his driveway. When I confronted her with this tangible information, she denied all instances of being there or said she was “dropping something off”.

      For years I saw red flags and didn’t use my instinct to get out of this abhorrent relationship. I would be Hoovered over and over again and continued to lose my self respect and self confidence.

      Then I found this website! It has gotten me through some difficult times and will continue to help me recover from this. I bought Kim’s eBook “How To Do No Contact Like A Boss” and read it faithfully every day and recommend it to everyone! I’m always on her website reading stories like yours, which lets me know, I’m not alone!

      I can’t thank Kim enough for all of the information she has provided to us Narcissistic abused people and the confidence she instills back in us, letting us know, WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!

      So, thank you for sharing your story Mont. I wish you the best of luck and hope the bond between you and your children has strengthened!


aurora says July 2, 2016

same same same same. Thankyou Kim for this helpful and healing information. It has been years now since this happened to me, but its so enlightening to see it written and finally understand and accept it at an emotional/psychological level.

Mary says July 2, 2016

i had an on off relationship with a narcissist for almost 5 years. I think narcissism was only one of his issues. Possibly bipolar and definately alcohol. He left me anytime anything happenned. A new job, I got some money, wearing lipstick. The very worst was when my son committed suicide. He worked nights at that time. He got home early in the morning and I came over to have him pray with me. He was a clergyman in the army previously. Three days later he said he didn’t have time for a relationship. Six weeks later he was engaged to a woman he had lived with while he was stationed in the army in Germany (he had a wife and a son in the states). I called to congratulate him and he broke the engagement with her, stating that she just wanted to have a way to get to the United States and was using him for that reason. We were together again until I took a business trip for one day. He kept me on the phone for so long I almost got in trouble. Two days later he dumped me saying he had to take a break to find himself. He was actually grooming another one. 8 months later, this girl got cancer and guess what? He comes around again. We were together again and it all went ok for a while but I had a feeling he was doing this again. Little did he know, I had been looking periodically at his Facebook page. Any new likes to his selfies I looked at and would find out who he was with. So I silently knew what he was up to all the times he went silent. He was lining up new supply when I finally confronted him and told what I knew. The new girl was someone I knew personally. Not friends really, but I knew her. That was 2 days before my birthday. He started hoovering me again. Then the realization sunk in for him and he got very nasty and told me I would see how he would deal with it. He posted pictures of the sunrise from her back porch. He put an old pic of himself that I took showing him bottle feeding a calf from years ago. Then he contacts me again, takes me to dinner, and explains how he won’t deal with my negativity any more. I was negative knowing that leading up to this I knew he was cheating again. How was I supposed to feel positive? Anyway on what would have been my deceased sons birthday, many photographs appeared, taken by the new woman, of him in different poses on her porch. She is a professional photographer. A few days later one of those photographs appear on the old fiancé from Germany Facebook as a cover photo. This guy appears to triangulate everywhere. So when I saw that I deleted everything and threw out everything he ever gave me. Two months ago today. This post was right on time for me because I had a meltdown about all these betrayals earlier today. Thank you for giving me a place to write and to read and to heal.

    Anon says July 3, 2016

    Oh my gosh, your story rings such a bell with me! These people are ALL alike. I swear they’re all reading from the same script.

    I’m so very sorry about the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine the heartache and agony you’ve endured. Please be good to yourself and stay away from him for good!

Andrea says July 2, 2016

Yes, after 15 years together I actually got ill. Out of the blue the person wanted a divorce. The wolf in sheep’s clothing appeared. I could not believe what I saw in this individual. Yes, they had all the signs of a covert narricist. I’ve read every book on the subject, YouTube, websites . Everyone thinks this person is the best thing since sliced bread….I did too. There were signs, the cold, coolness, aloofness, uncaring throughout our time together. But this individual had so many good ( I thought) personality chacteristics I overlooked the flaws. But when the “real self ” shows up in the discard phase…wow! Of course they r still loved by all others ( none of them close to them….friends). They haven’t a clue….nor did I . In the middle of a terrible illness I got dumped….no caring no empathy. Though I was as close to our friends as she (gay relationship) they stayed with her. She had the ability to be the victim. I’m a normal, down to earth , caring individual yet she had this ability to make others c me in a different light. It’s the most devastating life event to not be able to share who the real person is, how manipulative they r….the perfect manipulator. No one would ever believe me…..I wouldn’t have if I was looking from the outside. I’ll leave u with one incident among many in the last 6 months of our 15 year relationship together 7 of those years married. I was so sick ( never ill before…very healthy lifestyle ) for the first time in my life I needed to go to,the emergency room. My spouse said she would take me but would not stay…why….because it took too long! Wow! Never saw this coming we were not arguing , still intimate, she just said she was not happy anymore. Three weeks later she met someone whom she is still with a year and 1/2 later. No, this person was not lurking in the background they actually met at a meetup group 3 weeks later! She never looked back…..

Karen Estampa says July 2, 2016

Once again you explain it perfectly. My mother recently passed away. That morning he wanted to be with me. He loved me and wanted me to leave her side and be with him. We knew she would be passing any minute and told him I would need him more than ever once she passed. When she did pass that evening. He didn’t answer his phones and was no where to be found. The next day he eventually sends a text saying he was sorry and i should be with my family. He knew I was all alone.

When we eventually spoke after a day or so, he was upset and crying because he had too many things going on, and it was too much pressure for him. Suddenly my mother’s death turned into being about him. To make matters worse, A couple days later “stephanie” text me from his phone saying she was his girl now and he didn’t want to be with me. How could someone be so cruel? Even if there was another, you would be there for someone who is always there for you. Not flaunt a new girlfriend for a few weeks even a month or so. The one person that was there. His flying monkey. Just stirring it up. Oh and yes, a few weeks later. He was calling because he loved and needed me. Asking me to his house.

There’s been other examples such as moving out on our daughter’s 17th birthday and seeing he is engaged less than two weeks later. Not calling for our daughter’s 18th birthday. Not calling for Christmas or not even acknowleding or attending our daughrer’s high school graduation. She is his youngest daughter and the only one to graduate from high school. One would think that he would want to experience and help her celebrate this milestone in her life. Especially since he claims to be so close with our daughter, and I turned her against him.

The best part I have never turned my back to this person.

a ghost says July 2, 2016

I have a question. I should probably ask this to a therepist again who once got me to believe that I am not bad but that’s waning. how do I know that I’m not the bad one. I’m told that I berate her but I feel that I’m the one that is blindsided with attacks I never saw coming and don’t really understand what happened but I react poorly to being attacked which makes me.the bad person. it’s always, you should have done this instead or said this instead or said it in this way instead. often I’m just left standing there wondering what the heck just happened. am i really that stupid? I feel that it happens when she is under stress and can’t attack anything else or when the attack on something else is failing.

Rae says July 2, 2016

This is very accurate and disturbing. It is really not about anyone but the narcissist. They want you think it is. It’s a very sick personality in action.

Carmen says July 2, 2016

Throughout my experience with my ex-husband who left me repeatedly for other women and now the most recent final blow three years ago, I have certainly learned my lesson. My ex left me for the final other woman while I was home taking care of my very elderly mom and looking over my oldest son who had been suffering from repeated bouts of highs and lows of schizophrenia. Things were finally looking up for a change, my ex was finally going to get his license back, my son was finally recovering, and my mom was doing really well. My ex was finishing his AA meetings in another town staying with a “friend” during the week and coming home on week-ends. Well, he had been having an affair for quite some time with the same woman he had a brief affair with in 08. Well, we are finally divorced now and I am finally free from all this. He left me while I was not working, totally financially dependent on him. It has been the most painful time of my life. But I have learned my lesson and am finally moving on. I am moving to Texas in two weeks to start my life over completely.

    cristina says September 10, 2016

    I’m really touched by your story and wish you much strength and love in your life in Texas!

ThePinch says July 2, 2016

Thank you for this. A home run once again, Kim.

This is how I came to understand why certain people with mental impediments leave you at the worst possible time.

Remember last time you were acutely sick – flu, food poisoning, injury. Your focus, however well intentioned, was on you. You weren’t much help to others.

Now imagine your life in a perpetual state of sickness. And you can’t solve the problem yourself, so you start looking at people, places and things to make you feel better. You will do anything – lie, cheat and steal – to get that fix.

The problem with these people is that, no matter how perfect they seem, they sometimes develop problems of their own. But you don’t have the capacity to help, because your focus is on you and your illness and its fix. So you find another fix. There are, after all, seven billion more people on this planet.

Some of us also know that illness. We learned early in life how to fix it, and make ourselves whole. We want to help others. We are overflowing with our love and kindness.

It SOUNDS like a powerful combination, one that will ultimately complete each other.

We never considered that the other person did not want to risk depending on one person. This is why they don’t want to do the work and risk behind maintaining a relationship. There is always something or someone else to listen, nurture, and adore them just the way they are. Poopy diapers, and all.

If you aren’t providing that fix, you either need to be discarded, or punished. That’s how emotional two year olds think.

There is no lesson to be learned from this, except perhaps one. There are those of us with an infinite capacity for love. Love itself is never a mistake. But loving one’s self, including the wisdom of self protection, must come first.

Joyce M. Short says July 2, 2016

Trauma Bonds are such a deeply felt, unconscious attachment that victims rarely perceive their unnatural nature and strength. They form because the offender was cruel.

When someone remains in a relationship with a person who’s been cruel, they need to begin self-talk, that starts with “Why do I want to be in a relationship with a cruel person?”

The emotional answer is; “Because I love them in spite of the pain,” or “Because if I stay, they will recognize they hurt me, appreciate my acceptance, and love me all the more.” Those are examples of the faulty brain impacts of “love hormones.”

People who respond this way need to activate their thinking brain to overcome the attachment of their emotional brain.

Reality thinking is; “I’m with someone who is capable of terrible cruelty toward me. I don’t want to spend my life with a cruel person. If they harmed me once, they can do it again, and I have no control over when or what that cruelty will be.”

    kimraya says July 2, 2016

    A healing and insightful comment, Joyce. Thank you! <3

Kim says July 2, 2016

Dead on! My ex narc used my abandonment fear against me and tormented me by leaving and running to his mom’s every time he got mad. I still question why because his brother is nothing like him. All I heard was how good their raising was with his mom and dad. I never met his dad, he died a few years before we got together. In 3 years of dating this person, i could see his mother was always cautious not to make him mad and even agreed with me that he gets mad easily. Yet, she and everybody else thinks he’s an absolute angel. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship with a narc. If they do, like his ex wife, they keep it secret. i tried reaching out to his wife in desperation to only get better rejected and called the crazy one! I have had no contact for 2 weeks. Best thing I’ve ever done. Yes, it is hard at times. Knowing he’s moved on and dating already. I know I’m no where near ready to date. To me, that’s just asking for disaster. I’ve gotta find Kim again. Thank you for your posts. I find myself reading them every day and sometimes way up on the night. It breaks my heart to see other victims go through this. My heart breaks even for me daily. Why oh why do we go through this? Why do we accept it? Are we so weak? I pray the next victims are string women and run at the red flags i even saw at the begging but thought it was my own insecurities. Bless all!

    Mark says July 20, 2016

    KIm…I am right with you. I dealt with this for 7yrs and both Triangulation and Trauma Bonding have been used extensively on me; unreal how true they both are. Days without a call; weeks without seeing her and I thought it was me. She is dating as well, even started while we were still together. Thanks to Kim and her website, along with her book, I am working getting through this, like the rest of us!

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