I Was a Horrible Wife

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After meeting and “falling in love”, we married and started our lives together.  At that time, I had no idea that I needed to be aware of the signs of a narcissistic spouse.  

In the beginning, I worked a full-time job as a bank manager, and then came home every day to cook and clean for him and his sister.  I completed any paperwork that needed completion; I ran errands, fixed his lunch, and prepared his clothes for work every day. 

I often stayed up until midnight finishing up things he needed to be done.  I let my own priorities fall by the wayside.

I was a horrible wife.

I took care of all the holidays, buying gifts, and decorating.  I planned all of our trips and vacations.  Whenever he decided he wanted to go somewhere, I canceled my own plans and disappointed friends and family so I could go out of town with him.

I was a horrible wife.

If I cooked rice, he wanted chicken.  If the food was warm, he wanted it cold.  I didn’t complain, instead, doing what I needed to do in order to please him.  He always started out sounding innocent, but we both knew I would end up feeling useless and discouraged. 

These small moments were the catalyst for his illogical outbursts.  Afterward, I’d end up in tears, feeling powerless to change the situation.  

I was a horrible wife.

I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have any friends.  Any social interactions were only with people he knew.  I dressed and acted the part of the quiet, submissive wife. 

In the end, he openly ridiculed me in front of his friends and family.  I tried to bite my tongue and not respond. At one point, I realized his friends no longer liked me because he was telling lies behind my back…fictitious things I’d supposedly said about one person or another…all false.

I was a horrible wife.

When I became pregnant with our son, I wasn’t able to enjoy the pregnancy like most women who are blessed with a child.  During this time, I often endured the worst of the abuse.  When I dressed for work, he told me I looked like a hooker (even at eight and nine months). 

He constantly compared me to women on TV in light of my weight gain.  I discovered he was watching porn while I was at work.  He often told me I wasn’t worth more than a piece of sh*t and threatened to knock out my teeth shortly before our son was born. 

Our son was almost born prematurely at eight months due to the constant stress and anxiety.

When our son was an infant, he didn’t get enough nourishment because my milk dried up from the constant put-downs and heartache.  (Poor little guy… never took to the bottle).  As I held him at four months of age, his father said to me that he hated me and was stupid for marrying me.  He said he wanted me to die.  My older sons heard the commotion and felt horribly for me.  

I was a horrible wife.

When our son was a year old, I asked for a separation.  After filing the paperwork, his response was to leave the country. In less than two months, he’d already married someone else

For almost a year, I raised our son alone, which I’d basically been doing, anyhow.  I felt sorry for our son, feeling the ache of abandonment, and wanted to give the marriage a second chance.  I begged him to come back to us.

After he came back, the abuse was worse than ever.  I gave him my love, he gave me his hatred.  I tried to embrace him, he pushed me away.  I offered him the life of a family; he offered me a life of misery and loneliness.

I gave him my dreams, he gave me a stone.  I forgave him, he made me pay.  I gave him my soul; he twisted the knife and said, “You are a horrible wife.”

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55 comments
Esther says August 27, 2019

I have been following your blog for sometime now and I must confess I’m much better and feel so alive. I first came across the word narcissist online when I was searching on how to handle a cheating husband. I went further to understand the term narcissist then I came across your blog. I was in a state of depression and frustration. I couldn’t concentrate on work, I cried everyday infact I was a mess. Before I came across the word narcissist. I am still planning my escape but I already feel a lot better about myself through your lectures. I am from Nigeria and alot of women suffer in their marriages because of narcissist abuse. It’s a concept that is still quite alien to many here. But I believe soonest we will rise to fight for our rights and say no to narcissist abuse. Thanks for your good work ma.

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Rosemarie says August 27, 2019

Don’t have any cash or credit cards. Can’t purchase the boot camp. He took me off every bank account and stopped paying my credit cards. They are all in collection and my credit is destroyed

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IcingOnTheCake says August 26, 2019

Words cut so deep that the wound can not be cured!!! If he had shown this side in the beginning vs the charming, love of my life, spoiling you, I will never let you go side, marriage would have never happened.
The sick desire to uplift themselves, degrade and disregard the feeling, thoughts, opinions of others. That look in their eyes they get when they are gas lighting, crazy making, playing mind games as if you aren’t smart enough to figure me out. No amount of bargaining, pleading, praying, hoping, will satisfy them, it will just shift to another angle to keep you confused. If they are made to actually be accountable it would require a close look into a mirror of their angry souls, where self hatred lies, opening up ugly sins of the past they haven’t dealt with, yet project onto to others. They emotionally, physically, financially, etc. abuse because it is easier than dealing within, so they project onto those closest by: spouses, mates, children. These are the ones who love unconditionally until….
As for me the wounds cut to deep, no salve can cure pain. I packed up and got out!!!

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Shelagh says August 26, 2019

Anna I am so sorry you mirrored my life it is the worst possible life to live be brave

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Shelagh says August 26, 2019

Hi Kim I’ve just read the article ” I am a horrible wife ” I feel so sorry for you and your children he your ex is an evil monster as like mine is NPD is a shocking disorder. Ready your article I said out loud to myself this unfortunate woman who has the right to treat his wife and son like he did thinking what a way to live and I said Shelagh this was excatly the way in which you lived I felt sorry for me thinking what a fool I was to have stayed with this monster for 34 years thankyou Kim for your story I’m sorry it was so sad

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Fay Holloway says August 26, 2019

Thank you for making this work your life! I am still married to one of these creatures. I too bent over backwards to please. Only He sat the family down and said he was leaving because of me. He stayed. But made my life so miserable when I asked him what he really wanted because no matter what I did it wasn’t right, he demanded I leave.
I’ve been working away from home for three years now. Returning at weekends. I am over the trauma bonding, I am through the trauma of separation from him and the children and I have no contact because that’s life with him anyway. He never spoke to me for years anyway. I was spoken to out and about in front of company and I would become emotional, you do when you can see he knows how to act but it’s all a show and everyone eats it up believing he’s the best husband and I’m malicious vindictive crazy. He’s in the process of turning my children away from me. I’m in the process of trying not to react hoping they will grow up and learn I’m convinced I will lose them. I’m not able to take them with me. I don’t want to remove them from the lifestyle they are used to and I couldn’t provide it. Truth be told neither could he without my wages which are paid into the joint account. I am stuck. I can’t save anything because he doesn’t save. I cannot move my money for fear of his rage and malice. I’m truly stuck. Which is also why I could not join I have to use a credit card and it’s itemised.

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T. Huisman says August 25, 2019

It does n”t help when you say fuck you to the narcissist. It does n”t make any sense to them what is true and misdone what they”ve done to you and do that again and again with attract and attack. Stuck in trauma atracts other toxic people and it alienates you from your core self. It makes you less lonely if you talk to somebody with understanding and who is equal to you. .

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Anonymous says August 25, 2019

In the beginning you feel very lonely and it is if you can”t make contact to the outside world. I hope people can be sure of safe people because their trust in people is very damaged after that relationship.. I have the idea that there are people outside who can take advantage of vulnerable targets and do it again while you hope that they can understand you. It is healing when you don”t feel alone .

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T.Huisman says August 25, 2019

Can you ever trust somebody again after been in a relationship with narcissistic abuse. I geass you can become visit shy or can get a phobia for new people and new situations. The addiction of traumabonding is hard to understand for people who are unknown in this issue. They thinks so easy about the subject and maybe some are suffering in silence and you are lucky if you meet somebody who is known in this field and who can recognize this and sometimes it can happen that this kind of people come your way or fugured it out that you are dealing with a narcissist. Talking with people who have experienced can be helpfull to feel less fear and anxiety. It can be a guide to be with people who understand where you talking about. It”s said if somebody is too long sitting in talkinggoups you can be stuck in trauma. People who are sincere but it can take a long time to trust somebody again. Never get back to a narcissist again to the narcissist anymore. Advice of a guide who has insight. You can”t always see if you are dealing with a narcissist. The devil can come like an angel of light and they come in human form not like a tiger or lion.

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Carol says August 25, 2019

The “ horrible wife” is how I’m being treated. My counselor helped me to realize my husband is narcissistically abusing me. It’s awful we have a 22 yr marriage and I couldn’t identify what was wrong until my counselor met with both of us.

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    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    Wishing you peace and freedom, Carol.

    Kim XoXo

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Healing says August 25, 2019

Thank you so much Kim. I was just thinking the following when I checked my inbox- giving your all in a relationship, only to end up feeling worthless and underserving. My narc ex yesterday told me I’m not fit to be a wife. I gave him my heart and he returned it broken. But now it is strong and full of faith. But I’m still struggling with trauma bonds. I feel so frustrated and unfilfilled.

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    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    Hi Healing. Yes, the trauma bonds are so hard to break. I created a webinar that might help. If you haven’t joined it before, you can do that here: https://events.genndi.com/register/169105139238464945/221a214c40

    Wishing you all the very best as you move forward.

    Kim XoXo

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Stephanie says August 25, 2019

Kim, thank you! Through the last year you have helped me realized and understand the extent of my relationship and how it wasn’t normal. I feel so many different feelings and you help me see that they are justified. Putting yourself and your story out there for others must have been hard, but I want to tell you it has been a powerful resource. ❤️🦋

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disenchanteddiva says February 6, 2015

Reblogged this on Diary of a Disenchanted Diva.

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    Kim Saeed says March 13, 2015

    Thank you for the re-blog <3

    Reply
Anonymous says February 1, 2015

i am in a marriage of 7 years and have been in relationship with my husband total of 15 years and just found out my husband has Narcissist behavior. I somehow knew he was over obsessive with himself and his career and now he is getting worest he has always been selfish towards me and has alot of anger and now he is violent at times and more verbally abusive than ever. I think with age its getting worst and now. I have very young children and on the verge of divorce. He can be physically abusive, verbally abusive and angry and I cannot trust him. how do I heal myself from this?

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Anonymous says January 31, 2015

…..make that years of abuse, autocorrect…..!

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Anonymous says January 31, 2015

What a heartfelt and moving piece. I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m just waking up to the residual of years of similar abuse I suffered from my ex girlfriend – yes girl – it was and is shocking to finally accept and realise, and I’m just starting to share it now, but it’s very hard to do that after years of silence
Anyway thank you for writing this, it is part of understanding an area I had no idea of until recently

Nick

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Susana says January 30, 2015

Powerful story, thank you for sharing, I had a 27 yr marriage with a narc, my mother was a narc, I hooked up with a sociopath after that and was married for only a short time, 6 wks to another narc, I do ministry, work with kids and adults with horses and such and thought I could spot one far away. I did not even date for 4 yrs, thinking I was waiting for the right one to come along, and when he did, it was great, until after the marriage. Totally other person immediately. Dang, I am not giving up, but it is discouraging.

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moongirl says January 30, 2015

Powerful read. I spent 18 years with mine. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall trying to penetrate his understanding. I only recently learned WHAT I was dealing with. This site has been priceless. The decision to leave was brutal and he made it extremely worse (I was a horrible mother.) Nevermind that I homeschooled for 7 years and took care of everything while he pursued his career passions. Once the choice was made to leave and the initial misery abated–clarity burst in and I could no longer deny the truth. Today I am self-sufficient and know my worth, meanwhile, he is still pathetic. Leave his dumbass and don’t look back.

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Veronica says January 29, 2015

Been there and done that!

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Anonymous says January 29, 2015

Kim, if your piece helps even just one person to recognise that what they are going through is a pattern, that it is not them but the one doing this that is sick, it may even be worth the terrible pain. These people walk among us but so few realise and understand. Just keep telling our stories and I know how much strength it gave me to read them, and every word will count towards some thing good. x

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    Kim Saeed says January 29, 2015

    Thank you <3

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Sinderella says January 29, 2015

My friend told me on Tuesday that my Narc ex-best friend was ranting and raving about how I’m the worst person in the world. I wish I could have been there to see his face when my friend told him that whatever happened between us was probably his fault because he screws up every relationship.

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I Was a Horrible Wife | thelostselflifeafternarcissism says February 24, 2014

[…] I Was a Horrible Wife […]

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Anna says February 12, 2014

I’m just about ready to let him go…to go NC even though we have kids. It will be so tempting to talk to him if I get a phone for him to call the kids only on or set up an email for them to contact dad on. I’m so afraid no one will ever want me, that he’s right – I’m ugly and no man could love me. I’m afraid I’m giving up my last chance at ever having “love” (even though his kind of love is not really love at all) when I’m letting him go. I’m scared to spend my life alone, but I’m finding it easier to make this choice all the time as I see he doesn’t really love me either.

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    Healing says February 12, 2014

    Anna, trust me on this…other men WILL find you lovable. My ex had me believing the same thing. Now I get a lot of dates and I’M the one being picky! Remember that all the bad things he said about you are him just yelling in the mirror at himself! We are their mirrors…just objects…he never saw the real beautiful you to begin with. One day a healthy man will see you for all the beauty you are – inside and out. More importantly, you must open your eyes and see it again, too, and tell the lies he put in your head to GO TO HELL! 😉 HUGS!

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      Anna says February 13, 2014

      Thank you for your encouraging words, Healing.

      Reply
    Shelagh says August 26, 2019

    Hi Anna I’m so sorry I feel your pain your story was my story I was married to a narc for 34 years and I’ve been left for 3 years I am so much stronger now I now have my pride back and although I feel still worthless I am getting so much better it still hurts and I still mourn him although every fibre in me hates him for destroying my life and that of my families I will never forgive or forget this monster regards Shelagh

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navigator1965 says February 12, 2014

So ugly. <3

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bert0001 says February 12, 2014

all so sad to read …

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armyofangels2013 says February 12, 2014

Thank you for sharing this Kim… I relate to your experience all too well…

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Teela Hart says February 12, 2014

I can relate so much to the things you endured and no one deserves that, however, there must be something wrong with me b/c the thought of he and I reuniting nauseates me. I don’t miss him at all. He disgusts me. I hate what he did and God have mercy on me, I hate him.

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    Anna says February 12, 2014

    That’s a good thing, Teela. I wish that I could get over the urge to contact him. I think the urge to self-preservation urge is normal…it’s great that you want nothing to do with someone who’s treated you horribly!

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      Healing says February 12, 2014

      Yes, Teela! Good for you! You are having a much healthier response to abuse than I certainly did. My wishful thinking doesn’t change his pathology, nor would yours. You are living in reality and reality is telling you to be disgusted because he obviously did disgusting things. Congratulations for being healthy and rational. Don’t start second-guessing yourself now! Keep that chin up and move forward demanding the respect you have always been worthy of. That sentiment goes to all of us. 😉

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      Teela Hart says February 12, 2014

      Thanks Anna, I thought maybe I might be a sociopath!
      Also, I suffered so much for so long I guess I had already grieved the loss before I left.
      Thank you for replying to my comment.

      Reply
Anna says February 12, 2014

I was always a horrible wife and mother too. I haven’t gone NC yet, but I’m about to. I have tried to be honest with my abuser about the fact that I felt he didn’t love me. He has said “it’s fabricated” – he invalidates my feelings. More signs of narcissism I suppose?

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    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

    Anna, if he’s a Narcissist, then yes…they will do anything to shift the blame from themselves onto you. It’s not his fault for abusing you, it’s your fault for being hurt.

    It’s not his problem that you choose to feel invalidated…

    These are their behaviors exactly. They invalidate not only our feelings, but every part of our makeup.

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StrongerSoulSurvivor says February 12, 2014

As Kimberly said, a really moving last para. The whole piece was wonderfully written. I love it, though I don’t love what happened to you. It flashed me back to what I endured – the abuse only seemed to manifest when I became pregnant.

I remember feeling so betrayed that this – what should have been the most beautiful time of our lives – was turned into a marathon of endurance by my self-obsessed and abusive man. It was of course, all about him and his needs and problems.

So sad that these creatures take someone at their most vulnerable and try to trample all over them. Thank God you came back up fighting 😉

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Christina says February 12, 2014

So sorry Kimberly, I didn’t realize you were relating part of your own experiences and mistakenly thought you had posted on behalf of someone else when I saw the name under the picture. I just wanted to say as well that you deserved none of this and well what you do for others with your blog is evidence of your kind heart. It brought me tears for you and was a wake-up call for me. Thanks Healing and MM I’m determined to stay true to my path of healing.

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    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

    Christina,

    Thank you for your sweet, kind words. I’ve moved on for the most part, but I write these posts from time to time because it helps others, such as yourself, to see that no matter how many times we forgive and offer them a good life, it never helps in the end. They never see the good we do, the sacrifices we make, nor our love.

    You can do this 🙂

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Healing says February 12, 2014

Soooo sorry you went through that, Kimberly. I relate so well. 🙁 And yes, I, too,still wake up missing him and wishing it were all just a bad dream, Christina. I have to follow my head until my heart catches up. I know I am in a better place and he will never ever change for the better.

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    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

    Healing, that’s exactly what it takes….following our head until our heart catches up. Very wise words, indeed 😉

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meticulousmick says February 12, 2014

Hopefully you have now learnt your true value and can stick to ut, love from around the world, MM ?

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    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

    Thanks, Mick, for the lovely comment, and the love vibrations 🙂

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      meticulousmick says February 12, 2014

      ?

      Reply
Voo Loo says February 12, 2014

OMG Kim~ I am so sad that you had to go through that. I so admire what you are doing here for us. Narc/Psycho abuse is soooo difficult. I find it hard to find that friends understand. It just sucks. Why do we think men are the be all and end all and it’s HER fault? I don’t belong on this planet. Anyway, thank you for sharing and love to you…..

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    Kim Saeed says February 16, 2014

    Voo Loo…great to see you here again. Yes, it’s very difficult overcoming Narc/Psychopath abuse because it goes all the way down to the soul level. That’s why traditional therapy doesn’t always help in the way one would think. I have gotten more help through guided meditations and energy healing than any therapist I’ve seen.

    Thanks for your encouragement. Love to you, too 🙂

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Christina says February 12, 2014

I really needed to read that. that is exactly how worthless he made me feel after all the love and care I gave him and his kids. Yet after 18 days of no contact after finding the self respect to leave for good I was just lying in bed wide awake and missing him. Pathetically I was listening to Mariah Carey’s new single and allowing myself to fantasize about him realizing what he lost and be the first N in history to open up and heal because of my love and loyalty. In the middle of this silly dream my phone vibrated to let me know I had incoming message…the above heartbreaking reminder. Was like a glass of water thrown in my face and I am very grateful for it. I’d forgotten for a few minutes how peaceful life has been since I faced reality and decided to reclaim my old life. It’s scary that I could even daydream about taking him back after all the abuse and why at the moment I need these posts so much.

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    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

    ” fantasize about him realizing what he lost and be the first N in history to open up and heal because of my love and loyalty”…we all have this fantasy in the beginning. But when we do that, we are projecting our traits of love and its power onto the Narcissist, which they cannot begin to comprehend.

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      Christina says February 12, 2014

      Thank-you, I will remind myself of that whenever I weaken and start dreaming about reaching all my life goals. Ironically this is one of the reasons he said he was so attracted to me in the beginning, how I chased after and achieved my dreams. Which he then made impossible because every spare moment had to be spent serving him. Thank-you! I’ll save my sappy music for a guy that is actually capable of loving for a start LOL!

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

        Well, if he was one of your life goals, I can see the purpose for letting that one go, but I hope you will continue to go after your other dreams. Don’t let him take that away from you.

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kimberlyharding says February 12, 2014

awesome last paragraph. You so deserved better.

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    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2014

    Thanks, Kimberly…we all do 😉

    Reply
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