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Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program
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Valentine's Day Narcissist

An Inside Look at the Valentine’s Day Narcissist Script

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Are you wondering what to expect on Valentine’s Day from the narcissist in your life?  Have you recently been hoovered by the seemingly genuine “Epiphany Speech”, where they claim to have seen the light and promise that this Valentine’s Day is going to be the day when they truly show the fullness of their love and devotion to you? 

Or maybe instead, after having recently dropped you for another lover, they tell you how happy they will be as they forge ahead with the new “love of their life.”  And perhaps they drive the knife in deeper by sharing their plan to propose to their new partner – although they never asked you to marry them despite your having given them years of your life. 

Regardless of which scenario describes your situation as this Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s important to keep in mind one crucial fact:  narcissists are highly skilled actors.  They have no qualms about putting on the performance of the year for you in order to take advantage of your tender feelings of hope and longing and to exploit your willingness to forgive their outrageous behavior in the relationship. 

Valentine’s Day is the Narcissist’s favorite day for displaying their skills in stage-acting and trickery (next to Christmas, of course).  If you’re involved with a Narcissist, read below three of the most common performances that these disordered individuals act out on the occasion of our national day of romance. 

V-Day Valentino

Valentine’s Day is the golden day of hoovering for Narcissists everywhere.  If they believe you are planning to leave them, you might be bombarded with all manner of love gestures.  Your toxic partner may give you the “Epiphany Speech”, causing you to doubt your judgment about the failings of the relationship and the deep flaws in their character.  If you allow yourself to sit through the performance, you will inevitably start wondering whether they just need a little more love and understanding. 

Maybe they haven’t been so bad after all, right?  And maybe they are going to change….

The narcissist’s charades can seem genuine and heartfelt.  It may appear that they are truly remorseful for the way they’ve treated you.  But be cautious.  Due to the nature of narcissism, they are simply incapable, in any genuine way, of sharing and reciprocating your emotions, of feeling remorse for their actions, or of ever becoming a truly loving partner.  While you believe you’re giving the narcissist another chance, the truth is that they will be using the opportunity to exploit you yet again in order to fulfill their needs and self-serving agendas.    

Take-away – No matter how long you wait it out, they will never become the person that you want them to be, and that you have every right to expect them to be.  If your relationship consists of repeated cycles of breaking up and making up, of forgiving your partner yet again for having betrayed you, and of having your relationship deal-breakers being consistently trampled on, you can be sure that you are in for more of the same if you stay with them.

The Golden Globes

Were you recently discarded and now can’t stay away from the Narcissist’s social media?  Have you become a hermit, downing whole bottles of red wine, ignoring your friends, and calling in sick because you’re so devastated by what you’ve seen on Facebook and Instagram? 

Social media is the narcissist’s film crew.  Every post you see on their social media is specifically fashioned for the destruction of your self-esteem. 

The whole theme is to have you believe you weren’t good enough and that they’ve finally found the love of their life.  You’ll see them doing things you always wished for but never received from them.  That trip you wanted to take?  They’ll post pics of plane tickets to your dream destination alongside a photo of their new love interest.  Did they dislike your children?  You’ll find photos of the two of them at a school play…the epitome of a happy family (never mind they’ve only been an official couple for eight days).  You like sushi and they mocked you for it?  Voila…a pic of them feeding one another tuna rolls using chopsticks (with a bottle of sake in the background).

Social media sites around the world see huge spikes on February 14th due to the Valentine’s Day narcissist posting frame-by-frame movie clips of themselves with the new supply.  The plot twist is that although you might believe they’ll never look your way again, those online pics are designed to keep you waiting by the phone with a white-knuckle grip so that when things go awry with the new supply, they’ll have a place to “come home to”.

And the Golden Globe Award goes to…

Take-away – This is part of the narcissist’s contingency plan.  You may feel so worthless and undesirable after seeing them with a new lover that when they come back around, you’ll take them back, throw yourself onto the floor, grab their ankles and thank your lucky stars they’ve come back into your life. But don’t allow yourself to become, unwittingly, a supporting player in their sick drama.

The Silent Movie

Imagine yourself all dressed up after having spent three hours in the kitchen preparing a romantic dinner.  The candles are lit, soft music is playing, and you pull out the silverware and china.  Dinnertime comes and goes.  Eventually, you switch off the music and the only sound that can be heard is that of crickets chirping as you acknowledge the almost-dead silence after the Narcissist canceled dinner plans without informing you.

Wouldn’t that be devastating?  Narcissists love using Valentine’s Day to carry out painful devalues. Generally, this is a multi-strategic play wherein they leave you high and dry, simultaneously doing the same to other “side partners” since they are too busy love-bombing the new target they’ve recently brought into their crosshairs. 

Take-away – If you find yourself abandoned on Valentine’s Day, don’t take it personally.  Remember that everyone in the narcissist’s life is a pawn, something to be moved around in order to achieve their self-serving strategies.  And if you dare to put your foot down and point out their painful behaviors, be prepared to be discarded…often without warning, and often on special occasions like Valentine’s Day

Is there any hope things can ever be different?

The pathology of Narcissism lies on the Axis II spectrum, which means that full-blown narcissists, as well as those who may not fully meet all the criteria for being such, have a chronically disturbed way of relating to other people.  The operative word here is ‘chronic’.  The term indicates that their perverse behavior is constant, long-lasting, and incurable.

What this means is that your relationship with them is doomed to failure and dysfunction.  The narcissist will never take responsibility and will always blame you for the problems in your relationship.  You aren’t doing enough, you’re not understanding enough, you’re the reason they cheat, you’re so sensitive and needy that they can’t be themselves around you…and, if you allow them, they will do a great job convincing you that you’re the root of the dysfunction.

Since they’re so practiced at play-acting and deceit, you’ll end up having a hard time separating fact from fiction.

The sad but crucial fact is that, although Narcissists may LOOK just like everybody else, on the inside…they are working with a completely different “playbook”.  Their “playbook”, grounded in a deep-seated mental disorder, is a kind of script in which they are the star of the show while everyone else is a mere extra, present only to serve their purposes and make them shine.  This mental narrative is cemented in their psyche, and they will never stray from it.  Therefore, your only chance of moving on from their deceit and trickery is to stop playing a part in their show or even attending their performances.

Copyright 2019 – Kim Saeed

Tired of being an extra in the Narcissist’s script?  Consider enrollment in The Essential Break Free Bootcamp so you can empower yourself before the Narcissist has a chance to exploit you on our national holiday of romance.


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19 comments
Anonymous says February 11, 2019

As usual you give bullseye info. For everyone still in their bad relationship, it only gets better when you don’t have them in your life anymore. When they’re gone, ignore that they exist, unless you still have legal issues to work out in which case I say gather all that evidence!

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Shirley says February 10, 2019

The narc does not celebrate any holidays so I don’t have to worry about hoovering me.
We are done for good and he knows this. He will try to convince our son that it was all my fault, but my son was the person who at 5 years old told me although in denial that I was not being treated well by my husband. That was 22 years ago. So my son knows we both are to blame and that I took responsibility for allowing the abuse. I am in recovery and healing.

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Laurie says February 10, 2019

The a-hole narcissist I dated 20 years ago before all this narc info was available called me on Valentine’s Day a couple of months after we’d broken up. He started out the conversation saying he was upset because very few people at the institution where he taught music ( he’s a musician and documentary filmmaker) failed to adequately acknowledge the Oscar nomination he’d just received. I gave him a modicum of supportive amateur psychology ( when what I really wanted to say was “Exactly how much stoking do you GIVE anyone ever? Maybe you’re just getting karmic payback.” But I held my tongue . After my dialogue with him he said, “Thank you. I knew if I called you I’d feel better.” At that point, realizing I’d totally been used I said to him, “ By the way, are you aware that this is Valentine’s Day?” He feigned shock and said, “No. You have to TELL me these things.’’ There’s two happy endings to this story. One, he lost the Oscar and two, he married another woman so she gets to deal with all his abusive Valentine’s Day horseshit and everything else.

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Roberto says February 10, 2019

Thank you Kim and best compliments for these competent, expert, qualified and generous, big-hearted articles that have helped me so much over time, and I suppose and hope many others. God bless you

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    Kim Saeed says February 14, 2019

    Thank you for your kind comment, Roberto. I am so glad to know my work has helped you.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Laura Pasternack says February 10, 2019

Hopefully people reading this will believe what you’re saying and use V Day as an opportunity to finally take themselves seriously and eject the narcissist right ok of their lives.

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    Kim Saeed says February 14, 2019

    Thank you, Laura. I hope so, too 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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K says February 14, 2018

Very true but so hard to accept that this is the man I loved. It is so hard to grasp that he is an empty shell. I’m so deeply deeply sad. For my son, myself, and him. I just cannot understand it in my heart.

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    Anonymous says February 10, 2019

    Its likely that you have never experienced real love so you have been easily tricked by someone who was ACTING like he loved you. You did NOT love him you over who you THOUGHT he is.

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Kat says February 4, 2018

Wow. Everything you have said is so true. The very first Valentine’s together we have been married about 8 months. Three days before the weekend, he announced he needed a “break,” to think about things. It shocked me. We agreed that he would come home on Sunday, which was Valentine’s Day. I had to call him to see if he was coming home that afternoon. His comment was, “Well I left, didn’t I?” Something very similar happened the next year, only he was distant, elusive, and pushed me to go visit my mother. I went for the day and came home unannounced. He was caught off guard and obviously with other plans. Only a month after that he announced he was “done with me.” I was a victim of narcissistic Psychopathic abuse. I managed to find your resources and a really good counselor that help me through this. He saw firsthand this man and the destruction he was creating in my family, everything from gas lighting to the compulsive lying and “backdoor” relationships. Of course, he spun it that it was all my fault because I was “obsessed with transparency.” He left me abandoned, financially stripped, almost completely friendless and isloated, and hurt my young son deeply. He spun it to look like the victim, but the truth will all come out one day. All I have to say is, this Valentine’s will be the first in several years that I am surrounded with the real love of friends and family. Happy New beginnings!

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Wendy says February 4, 2018

The last paragraph wraps it up beautifully. In hindsight their performance is absurd and laughable, I cant believe how blind I was and didn’t see the obvious. The upside though is being free.

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Melanie says February 3, 2018

Great article. I have recently discovered your site and it’s been SO helpful in my recovery. It is amazing that these people all behave in a “textbook” fashion with these behaviours! Now I’ve seen the light and am on the path back to freedom!

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Petruska says October 17, 2017

“… they claim to have seen the light and promise that this Valentine’s Day is going to be the day when they truly show the fullness of their love and devotion to you?” OMG! Do narcissistic people have a script they live by or something?! LOL The stories — even the words — are incredibly the same in all regions of the planet! 😮 It’s unbelievable!

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Arie says February 17, 2017

The Golden Globes… it just happened to me. It’s reassuring somehow to read it’s a script.

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    Daria says May 30, 2017

    Hi Kim,
    I am following you blog from 2-3 months and it really help me.
    I have read lots of books and read lots of thinks about narcissistic abuse in Internet. Lots of different stories and lots of pain.
    My ex partner follow typical behavior for NPD. Like most in books are written for him. I’d like to add some more strange thinks he did and are doing:
    -he give away the same presents for all his women (victims). I found at least 3 Pandora bracelet given to different girls in including me.
    -he travel to the same places with women, visit the same restaurants and the same attractions.
    -tell the same stories, mainly for his ex girlfriends, where he is always victim and all his ex girlfriends are crazy (including me)
    -do the same surprises for girls like room with lots of candles

    So he is following the same or similar model for all. He even do not try to think something new and unique for each girl.

    Reply
      Anonymous says February 10, 2019

      He’s worked out seductive strategies that have achieved his goals previously and cant be bothered to try any new ones

      Reply
Rosie says February 13, 2017

This is a great article!

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Ven says February 13, 2017

Timely, Kim. Thank you!

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    Kim Saeed says February 13, 2017

    And thank YOU for stopping by, Ven! It’s great to see you here 🙂

    Reply
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