When The Narcissist Can No Longer Control You

When The Narcissist Can No Longer Control You: 12 Things That Happen

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What should you expect when the narcissist can no longer control you?  Will they finally see the light of day and do the just and rightful thing?  Will they make fair arrangements regarding splitting up your assets?  What is the narcissist thinking and how will they react?

In this post, you’ll learn how to navigate the narcissist losing control over you like a kung fu master. Specifically:

  • What’s going on in the narcissist’s mind when this happens;
  • The twelve most common reactions the narcissist will engage in;
  • Examples of real-life scenarios where narcissists gained the upper hand (and how to avoid this);
  • Tips for when you share custody with the narcissist.

What can you expect?  Let’s unpack this question.

Video Transcript

I want to talk to you today about what to expect when you’re no longer under the control of the narcissist. Before I begin, if you’re new to my YouTube channel, please like and subscribe and hit the notification bell so you’ll be the first to find out whenever I upload a video.

1 – Hoovering on Steroids

When the narcissist loses control over you, there’s usually a period of continued attempts to Hoover. They may call you from unknown numbers or start to email you through new email accounts. They might contact you on your social media through bogus accounts that they’ve set up. Perhaps they’ll contact your family.

These things might make it seem as though the narcissist really wants to get back together. You may form the impression that they’re feeling remorseful and perhaps are seeing what a chance for true love (or a true relationship) they’re throwing away.  You are swept up in a whirlwind of attention as the narcissist tries to convince you that you have the most magical relationship ever.

However, once they figure out that you’re not falling for their tricks anymore, things are going to get pretty nasty.  It’s also worth noting that when the narcissist is hoovering you, they are hoovering other exes, too.

2 – Smear Campaign on Steroids

It’s important to recognize that the smear campaign against you has been going on for a while. In the narcissist’s mind, relationships do not last. As far as the narcissist is concerned, they’re not even in a real relationship; at least not the way you perceive it. When narcissists are in relationships, their focus is on how well they’re able to control you, control your actions, and control your mindset.

They will also be focused on managing the impression that other people have about you, as well.  For this reason, they will attempt to make everyone you know see you in the worst light possible. Through social media, text messages, and e-mails, they will tell everyone you know how evil, manipulative, and abusive you are.

3 – Sabotage on Steroids

When you decide to end the relationship with a narcissist, this is one of the ultimate forms of narcissistic injury, and they’re going to try to make you pay for it. They might contact your employer, the people in your church, and they may saturate your circle of friends so they can cut you off at the pass. 

Now that they can’t control you, their main focus is changing how other people perceive you, and this can include your own children.  They will do everything in their power to take you down and destroy your life. 

4 – Parental Alienation on Steroids

If you share children with a narcissist and are noticing that your children are taking the narcissist’s side, or maybe that they’re not as close to you as they were before, understand that children also experience the same things we do when they grow up in a toxic home.

They experience the trauma bonding, the hoovering, and the love bombing. All while the narcissist continues to tell people lies about you. And this is a very painful period to experience. Once you are in a relationship with a narcissist, their expectations for the relationship are completely different from yours…and parenthood is no exception.

If you do share children with a narcissist, contact an attorney if possible; and do your very best to get them into therapy. If the narcissist won’t agree to that, try to get them into therapy in their school. Talk to the counselors there. This is a very critical time because the narcissist is going to do everything in their power to turn your children against you.

Narcissists will expend large amounts of time, energy, and money to buy your children’s affection and convince them of what an awesome parent they are.  They’re good, you’re bad.  They will feed your children lies about things you supposedly did and said about them when they were innocent little things who had no clue about “what a terrible person you are.” 

Of course, all of this is hogwash, but whether or not your children believe it falls to the luck of the draw.

5 – Triangulation 

Narcissists don’t enter relationships to offer reciprocal affection or support. What they expect is for you to live a life of servitude under them. This is one of the primary signs that you are dealing with a narcissist. 

In normal relationships, when people decide to break up and go their separate ways, there is generally a mutual understanding that the two of you are going to move on and walk a different path from one another, but that’s generally not how narcissists see it.

This explains why they often circle back to their old supply sources. If the narcissist Hoovers you, pretends to be remorseful, indicates that they are regretting their decision, or maybe confides in you that they are in a new relationship and now they’re starting to have doubts, remember…they’re also doing this with other exes.

As far as narcissists are concerned, no one person is more special than the other and they don’t miss one person more than the other. When things start falling apart in their newest relationship, that’s when they begin to circle back. Once the new supply begins to see red flags, the narcissist has to go to the next trick in their toolbox. This is when they start triangulating you.

Generally, this happens in romantic relationships, but it can also happen in other relationships, such as a coworker situation or within a family unit.

6 – Deep Cruelty

Many people believe that narcissists are cruel to others because cause they’re trying to avoid the deep internal shame that seems to plague them 24 hours a day.  However, narcissists are really more concerned with losing their power and control over you. They’re going to become very vindictive, coercive, and they’re going to bully you.

They take serious offense when they realize that you’re not going to be their servant anymore because, in their mind, they have spent a large amount of time trying to brainwash you and program you into their way of thinking. This can be seen in how you feel about yourself towards the end of the relationship, and also after the relationship ends.  You’re going to feel like everything’s your fault, that you didn’t try hard enough, and possibly begin to believe that the narcissist was right all along.

Your cognitive mind might realize that you did everything you possibly could to save the relationship, but the narcissist’s voice will be in your head. This doesn’t happen in normal relationship breakups.  There’s going to be grieving, of course. There’s going to be the hesitancy to start a new life and start fresh. But in a normal relationship breakup, there won’t be a smear campaign. The people breaking up will at least try to be civil towards one another and perhaps split assets fairly.

This is not the narcissist’s way. And this is exactly how you know you’re dealing with a narcissist because they will become extremely hateful, nasty, and even do things that seem evil.

It’s important to not convince yourself that the narcissist doesn’t know what they’re doing or that they’re completely unaware of how they’re hurting you. Narcissists are very intentional and strategic in how they interact with you.

If narcissists had no awareness of how awful they are, if they had no awareness about their condition, or had no awareness about how all of this makes you feel, they would act the same way in all relationships, situations, and environments.  But narcissists choose to abuse the people they feel are safe to abuse, and they come to this conclusion once we have gotten past the love-bombing period, and we’re hooked.

7 – Oscar-Worthy Apology

It’s quite possible that the narcissist will offer you an apology. They might even cry a little bit, but narcissists are very good actors. And this can be seen in the way that they interact with the outside world. 

Let’s say the two of you go to a party.  The narcissist is the life of the party. Everyone’s laughing at their jokes. And it feels like no one can seem to see the narcissist for who they are, because you know what they’re like when the two of you are alone and it’s nothing like the persona that they put on in the public eye.

This alone should tell you that the narcissist is very aware of what they’re doing. when they offer you an apology, you will soon realize that it’s not genuine. Narcissists are never remorseful for how they treat you. They might be sorry for the consequences they know they’ll have to face.

For example, if you share children with them, they’re going to start thinking about how they might have to pay child support, pay alimony, or split assets. Since they generally don’t want to pay child support or alimony or split assets, they often will attempt to come back. It’s crucial that you do not fall for their tricks and schemes. For example, one of my coaching clients said that she was divorcing her narcissistic husband, and they shared children together. He came over one night, right before the hearing, and convinced her that he didn’t want to break up the family. He’d been thinking and wanted to work on their marriage. He further explained that he didn’t want to split the family up and cause the children to be in different homes.

My client was fully under the impression that they had agreed to go in civilly to the hearing and do what was best for the kids. What happened was she was sucker-punched completely and unexpectedly because the narcissist went to the hearing and bulldozed everything. And she was in such shock that he got custody of their kids.  Sadly, this is a very common scenario

These examples are why it’s super-important to not fall for the narcissist tricks when they think they’re losing control over you.  Because things will get very nasty, and they will stay nasty for a long time. It’s during these times when the narcissist is beginning to realize that they can’t control you, that you must remain steadfast. Don’t fall for their tricks, the fantasy, or the gaslighting.

8 – Damage Your Property

When the narcissist can no longer control you, they may damage your property or try to break into your home. If they’re successful, they may steal important and sentimental items that may not even have any monetary value, but that are very dear to you.

This is why you should never let the narcissist in your home if you have split up from them and moved into a new residence.  You are not obligated to let the narcissist into your new place.

9 – Plant Spyware on Your Devices

Another reason I advise against letting the narcissist into your new home is that they often plant spyware on your devices and electronics.  At least fifty percent of my coaching clients have dealt with this.  Don’t let the narcissist put you in that kind of position.

At this point, once the narcissist can no longer control you, you must make it a priority to protect yourself. You need to seal them out of your life, whatever that may look like.  You may have to get a protective order or a restraining order. You will probably need to put cameras around your residence. I would suggest ADT or anything that will alert you if someone’s trying to break into your home.

If it comes down to it and you need to call the authorities, go ahead and do that, even though it may make you feel sick to do so.


10 – Excessive Use of Fear

If the narcissist begins to believe they can no longer control you,  they will use fear to control you. You will witness their wrath in a way you’ve never experienced before.  And a lot of times it works, especially in court settings, but don’t give up. 

You have to stand strong, protect yourself, and do whatever you need to do to avoid letting the narcissist control you.

11 – Intensify the Trauma Bond

If all else fails, the narcissist will attempt to strengthen the trauma bond that you have with them. In this vein, narcissists do not experience trauma bonds. Only we do as their victim or their target.

Given that narcissists do not emotionally attach to anyone (not even their own children), they do not experience any kind of attachment trauma once their relationships end.  This is also what allows them to Monkey Branch while they are in committed relationships.  They want to secure other supply sources because they know that their relationships are doomed to failure.

12 – Make You Feel Helpless or Dependent Upon Them

Once the narcissist realizes they are losing control over you, they may try to make you believe you can’t make it without them or that you’ll lose the kids (if applicable). And it’s possible that these things could be true. If they try this approach, it’s important to try to chart a path for yourself out of that relationship. Even if it takes a while; even if you can’t leave immediately, start working on your exit plan.

Those are some of the most common things that happen when narcissists feel they’re losing control over you. Although their cunning and manipulative nature makes them often difficult to escape, you can still take the upper hand and turn the tables on them. Although you will need a thick skin for this, they become even more abusive when they feel their power is slipping away.

A narcissist doesn’t change their behavior for the long haul.  Instead, they bounce from one career to the next, one relationship to the next, and a drama to the next.  Understanding these tactics beforehand can give you an advantage in the future.

How To Protect Yourself Against the Narcissist and Stand Strong

Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift. Our beautiful community includes people in varying stages of their healing, and several who are celebrating their anniversaries of no contact!

I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in my narcissistic abuse recovery program, which has been voted a favorite by professionals in the psychological community.  Therapists refer their own clients to this program.

Discover the strength inside you to overcome crippling emotional pain, defeat helplessness, and create a meaningful, fulfilling life.  The Break Free Program will give you the exact strategies to help you discover the key to transformational healing and overcoming the addiction to drama and trauma.

See what students and mental health professionals have to say.  


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2 comments
Tracey Alex says May 12, 2022

I’ve just reread what I said earlier, and realised that he is still contacting us as and when he feels like it, and that even if I have to allow some contact because of the children I need to do something to stop that. Otherwise he will just keep messing with our heads. Wish me luck!

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Tracey Alex says May 12, 2022

I’m currently still in the early weeks of divorce proceedings against my covert narcissist husband, and he is leaning heavily on the scriptures to try to stop me. He says that “God hates divorce”, and therefore he considers that he has the impregnable moral high ground. He has been showing much more affection and concern to us, but there is still no real change. He phoned us a few days ago and spoke to one of our children but hung up before speaking to the other, not even asking how they were. (The one he spoke to is the one who misses him the most) He sent me a card which arrived today in which he urges me to “remember the covenant I made with him.” This is so very hard, but by the grace of God and the wisdom and support of those who understand, I have to believe we can still get through it.

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