“Could you repeat that? I wasn’t listening.”

My ex was the “moocher” type and you nailed that description, Kim. I had many conversations with him about needing his help with the bills, and he never had anything but excuses and empty promises. It started when he moved in with me promising to contribute a certain amount per month to our shared household. Immediately he had a sob story about how he couldn’t pay became he had lost all his money in his previous divorce and was too scared to tell me because he thought I wouldn’t love him. He managed to manipulate me into not kicking him out, because I didn’t want to seem like I only liked him when I thought he had money. I tried to support him to get back on his feet and even helped him get several jobs, all of which he failed to make money at and quit before too long. All while complaining about his bosses nonstop, and angrily exploding at me whenever I asked for the money he had promised to contribute. I had poor boundaries and thought we were in love, so it took me years before I kicked him out. After that, I found out he had “borrowed” money from 3 of my friends and of course, never paid them back. After a lot of healing and therapy I finally don’t feel mad about it – I consider the money I lost as the cost of learning how to deal with a narcissist. And that is, just don’t!

“Hmmm… I never realized you were so short”

Hey Kim,
Can you please write a article about financial ptsd and elaborate on it?
Thanks!!

You mentioned that you overcame PTSD over financial loss!! Wow!!! That hit a nerve. “He” drained my insurance money from my late husband. I could not believe I allowed that to happen. I always said that would never happen to me. Now Im always saying “I’m so sorry Sam, you worked your but off to give me security and I let it get away from me!!”

I did no’s 3 and 7 with my siblings recently. My younger sibling who I realize is just as cruel, twisted and abusive as our narc father, when I asked for help, seemed to relish at my temporary situation. My partner who was the sole income earner at the time could not send me money coz all banks were closed the whole city was in total lockdown due to Covid. No online banking. He was getting paid sure but couldn’t send money. Before this our mother passed from terminal cancer where I couldn’t get a job after moving back from overseas to care for one of my adult children who was sick, and then coz I had to travel to care for Mum when she was diagnosed with cancer, helping 2 other siblings care for her, but the abusive one who lived nearby never visited while I was there. Then after Mum died I found out my investment property (our home before we left and will return to), got trashed by tenants. I was trying to fix it up while waiting for insurance payout. My abusive brother proceeded to make his demands about paying me back – ok no worries- sure. But speaking to me like I was 6 years old and never handled money in my life. He repeated the instructions 5 times increasing his aggression and condescending tone. Then proceeded to drum into me how wonderful he was that he never needed a loan when his business went bust. Thing is when this happened he had a 2nd job AND access to his money to pay the bills. The banks were not closed and he wasn’t in severe lockdown restrictions where the Govt was dropping food every 2 weeks because all shops in a 100km radios were closed. I did explain the situation but obviously Covid lockdown was beyond his understanding. After going on about how. wonderful and capable he was and kicking me in the guts (figuratively) he then demanded my husbands number so he could rub his nose in it. I knew that was a waste of time coz my husband would’ve just told him where to go. My husband knew my brother was a jerk way before I wanted to admit it. I told my brother I was worried we may need to sell the house coz we will miss a payment. He laughed and said he’d get a loan with another brother and buy my house on the cheap. The conversation was now going round in circles as he was becoming more condescending and cruel. I realized he was never going to help because he previously refused to help with doing yard work despite me willing to pay him the going rate. I hung up. Immediate text from him like a wounded spoilt child who had a toy he was breaking, taken away. I text him he could’ve just said no and that I would understand and leave it at that. But no he had to go and be cruel and vindictive like Dad has always treated me. He gloated he is his fathers son and proceeded to justify his behavior. That was my wake call. The only contact we’ve had for the past 20 years was his drunken and stoned late night phone calls asking me for money to buy a cafe with him and getting angry when I wouldn’t say yes. Yet he wouldn’t give me any details except the location – just give him 20 grand up front with no information. He’d keep asking me and our siblings but never provide a business plan or anything Then I found out how he ‘runs’ a business when he told me. I realized He would drink it all away or let others do it. Another sibling told me to sell the house – in its current trashed condition that I’ve got no ties to the country anyway – yes I saw a side to her I did not expect. And that my husband is never there to help me. I outlined twice in 28 years. Once when we first moved overseas and he had to go first to set up the new apartment in a new country so it wouldn’t be terrible when I arrived with 3 kids and a baby. And the telephone company had cut off my phone 3 days before I requested them to, 3 days before I left as I was moving out of our house. And the second time was when he was in strict Govt lockdown due to Covid. As asked my sibling do you expect my partner to defy the Govt, leave his apartment to go looking for a bank that are all closed anyway. To then get arrested and deported and lose his job. And my other child who was there with him what about her? Of course silence. I said I don’t think twice in 28 years and 1 of those is beyond his control, is saying my partner is ‘never’ there to help me, my sibling just reiterated “its seems he is never there when you need help”. Gaslighting that is. Only in a crisis do you see the real nature and quality of people. I did end up getting help to tie me over until lockdown ended from friends and new found ‘family’. People who are mature rational thinkers well beyond their years. One in particular who amazed me that she at 24 could understand the predicament and respected me and kind enough to offer to help. Yet she had never had the life experience to begin to understand What I was going through at the time, but didn’t need to as she had one basic skill that some of my siblings are sorely lacking or don’t have – empathy. But that does not surprise me as our father has none whatsoever and never has. Blood can never be thicker than water when it is tainted and thus diluted by narcissism. Water is far thicker than blood when it is enriched with respect kindness and empathy.

Once you say the wrong think in their eyes then thats the end of the conversation the shutters go down the civil calm talk ends and the rage starts. The person has formed that opinion right or wrong and the conversation ends in rage or stops speaking and this is what happened to me. I tried to explain but was not aloud to finish the conversation the said person had their mind made up and was not interested in peace making at all not even for the sake of her child our grandchild. I was screamed at and told fff hated me. At that point I sadly had to walk away because nothing I said would have made a difference she was in a rage.

How do narcissists all over the world have the same tactics, use the same phrases, and have the exact same goals? I’ve heard the term “narcissist’s playbook” and I’m wondering if it’s because they’re simple or is there some secret cabal that they join when they break their first person, like some sick rite of passage?