Do narcissists know they are narcissistic? Do they recognize the impact they have on others? And if so, why don’t they make more of a concerted effort to change their ridiculous ways?
Day in and day out, you observe their obnoxious behavior. You watch as they hurt people, preserve their egos, and dismiss reality. It can be as shocking as it is disturbing.
Let’s unpack this question…
Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissistic?
To truly understand narcissism, you must understand the critical differences between ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic behaviors.
When a behavior is ego-syntonic, the person recognizes it as problematic and distressing. They likely feel embarrassed over it, and they also want to change their habits.
For instance, someone with a compulsive gambling issue may identify their habit as risky and dangerous. They might want to stop gambling, but they feel unable to do so. They have insight into the problem, which may lead them to seek therapy, attend a support group, or attempt to practice alternative coping skills when the urge to gamble arises.
But when behavior is ego-dystonic, the individual is unaware of its implications. Many times, personality disorders, such as narcissism, are largely ego-dystonic. The person doesn’t recognize their reality as different from other peoples’ reality. They are convinced of their truth, and they dismiss any evidence that suggests otherwise.
Using this framework, it’s easy to assume that most narcissists don’t really recognize having a genuine problem. Instead, they often believe:
- They are inherently special and deserving of good things.
- They are entitled to manipulate other people to get what they want.
- They can play by their own rules.
As you can see, these beliefs fit the narcissist’s life, but they aren’t exactly conforming to general society!
What About Narcissists Who Have Self-Awareness?
It’s a dangerous misconception to assume narcissists don’t recognize how their actions affect others. It’s not that they don’t see it- it’s usually that they just don’t care.
Indeed, the current research reveals some interesting results:
- Narcissists generally understand people perceive them less positively than they perceive themselves.
- Narcissists recognize that the power of their positive impressions may fade with time.
- Narcissists have some insight into their personality (they’ll describe themselves as confident, narcissist, etc.)
At first glance, these results may seem confusing. If narcissists have some insight into their patterns, why would they keep engaging in these ways?
As mentioned, narcissists don’t identify their behaviors as problematic. In other words, even if they think other people don’t like them, they still think they are entitled to play by their own rules. They still think they have somehow earned the legitimate right to be confident, arrogant, or controlling!
In fact, most narcissists are quite proud of their personalities. They thrive on their haters, and they get a rush when they argue with other people. It’s part of what makes them feel alive and important.
Most of us feel uncomfortable when we’re challenged. But narcissists love being in the spotlight. They shine when they’re receiving negative attention. Likewise, anytime someone reinforces their decisions, they are reminded that they can get away with their shenanigans.
At the same time, even if they identify as having negative traits (like being controlling, aggressive, or competitive), they can rationalize those, too. They will either blame others for why they have those traits. Or they will dismiss them as insignificant compared to all their exceptional qualities!
Generally speaking, the world feels like a win-win scenario for the narcissist. Even if they have an awareness of their behavior, they don’t have the motivation or fortitude to change it.
Are Narcissists Just Stubborn?
Narcissists are stubborn, but many people are stubborn, and that trait alone doesn’t make them malicious or cruel.
It’s essential to be mindful of how you might rationalize a narcissist’s toxic behavior. Do you dismiss their attitude because of things that happened to them in the past? Do you make excuses because they act like a victim and convince you that nobody else cares?
Narcissists are not stupid. They know how people and emotions work. For this reason, they can be held liable for their actions. Downplaying their behavior only gives them more of an incentive to keep hurting you.
But Can A Narcissist Change?
It’s the age-old question, isn’t it? With all that insight, can a narcissist change and become a better person? Can they accept feedback and grow from it?
To be blunt, a life-changing transformation is unlikely. People can and do change, but it requires hard work, humility, compromise, and boundaries. Do you honestly believe the narcissist in your life willing to make that dedicated effort?
Instead, narcissists tend to change in ways that serve their best interests. For example, let’s say you have always wanted to have a child. They have stalled and gone back-and-forth on the decision.
But then let’s say you end the relationship. You decide you have finally had enough, and you are ready to move on.
Guess what happens now? It’s a miracle- they reach out and tell you they are ready to have a baby! They were just afraid, they insist! But now, they are prepared to have the perfect family you always envisioned.
Did they change their mind because they genuinely want to have a baby? Or are they panicking about the thought of losing their right to control you? And what happens once the baby is born? Do you really think they will step up and be a loving parent if they didn’t want the child on their own accord?
It’s true that narcissists often make changes throughout the relationship. But if you pay close attention, you will notice that these changes tend to be half-hearted, non-committal, and challenging to track.
They give you just enough scraps to make you think something positive is around the corner- but once they have reeled you back in, they often abandon their efforts altogether.
Can sustainable change happen? Should you spend your energy and time hoping that happens? Should you sacrifice your emotional well-being in the meantime? Only you can make that critical decision.
Do Narcissists Have Any Empathy?
Some people assume that narcissists completely lack empathy. This isn’t necessarily true. Narcissists may have some empathy, but it tends to be selective and temporary.
Indeed, sometimes it appears that narcissists can feel empathic. They might cry when someone dies. They seem to feel compassion if they see someone getting bullied or scammed.
But even though they may exhibit empathy, they often don’t have genuine remorse or regret for their wrongdoings. Their empathy tends to be surface-level. It doesn’t determine their values, and it doesn’t guide them into making healthy decisions within their relationships.
Additionally, most narcissists are fairly skilled in cognitive empathy, which means they imagine themselves in your shoes and try to manipulate the situation to serve their needs. Make no mistake- this generosity isn’t altruistic. They want to take care of themselves, and they will do what they can to make that happen.
Is It Worth Telling a Narcissist How You Feel?
Should you say something when the narcissist hurts your feelings? Will your honesty leave an impact on them?
It might be tempting to reveal yourself to the narcissist. They probably deserve to be put in their place, right? But when you evaluate the situation, you will realize that your disclosure often leads to more harm than good.
When you share your feelings with a narcissist, a few things might happen. These situations include:
- They ridicule or mock your emotions, causing you to feel more shame.
- They gaslight your reality and tell you that you’re imagining things.
- They use it against you by insulting you.
- They appear to listen but later use your words to attack you.
- They share your feelings with everyone else and breach your trust altogether.
None of these situations are ideal, and yet, you probably have encountered them time and time again. Narcissists only care about your feelings if they align with theirs. They just aren’t interested in a truth that doesn’t fit their specific narrative.
When dealing with a narcissist, it’s often better to remain detached, aloof, or disentangled altogether. Don’t share anything that could be used against you. Stick with surface-level details if needed. Be mindful of the risk associated with dishing out vulnerable information.
Remember that you are responsible for how you react to your emotions. Telling the narcissist how you feel is one choice you can make. But chances are, you won’t like the outcome.
Final Thoughts
Do narcissists know they are narcissistic? At the end of the day, how much does it really matter? If insight doesn’t lead to sustainable change (or your happiness), is this relationship really serving your needs?
Most narcissists aren’t interested in honoring your well-being. They’re interested in their self-serving tendencies.
You are allowed to decide what boundaries work in your life. This may mean taking a no-contact approach. Breaking free from narcissistic abuse can feel overwhelming, but you deserve fulfillment, respect, and autonomy!
