Can a Narcissist Change If They Really Want To?

Love these articles!! What can be said to a narcissist who keeps texting or emailing? Totally ignore them? They’ll never understand what they are doing or “get it”.

Thank you for everything you write. I’m been having such a hard time. 6 yrs, 3 of them straight out no apologies abuse and then he got bored of me, had mind-fucked me so completely that I was taking blame and chasing my abuser and begging him to love me. Well he doesn’t. Nor the 2 children he refuses to raise or support in any way.
It don’t matter. Who cares. Everyone’s got the same story and the same pain. I just want ed to say thank you. It’s eerie how often an email or notification would pop up saying just the thing I needed to hear as it relates to my current life with him and suffering I was enduring or descion I was questioning.
Sometimes you made my pain just a little bit less and having .

Thanks so much! This piece is so inspiring and I totally agree with you. Believing the narcissist will ever change is the same as believing satan will one day become a glorious angel again! As far I’m concerned a narcissist (male or female) is an irresponsible devil, that will never change! I’ve chosen to see them as devils in human skin and this helps me be on guard!

Hi Kim,
I just read your article on “Can a Narcissist Change? I believe as you do, that they cannot change. The things that have occurred in my son’s marriage have finally reached the breaking point. There was domestic abuse – she slapped him, for beginner’s, along with her anger at my son and has gone as far as to try to through him out of his home that he only has the deed to! She also proceeded to throw out his things and put them in a small trailer that was placed beside his home so that he could be by his 2 children. I reside in PA and he is in CO which makes it hard for me to hear about. It’s been over 4 years since I was ordered to leave their home after being invited out to live with them and purchase a larger one for all of us to reside in. But 7 months later that came to an abrupt end. Since then, I’ve only had minimal if any contact with him or the children as she prohibits me from seeing them. So I’m back in PA and not really happy here even though I have family here, but I’ve never resided here in the past but didn’t have much choice. Also, there has been discussion about who will have the children. My granddaughter (she’s 14 yrs old) might go to stay with her narcissistic mother and my son will take my grandson (he’s 8 yrs old). I don’t want this arrangement to take place, I know all too well it could really hurt my granddaughter if she does reside with her mother! I have yet to speak with my son, he is suppose to call me sometime soon, I hope as his father, who also resides there, told me he would ask my son to call. My ex-spouse would only give me our son’s phone number but wants me to wait for him to call. This article really hit home. My son really needs to become involved in your programs. This why I have been reading your articles and all information I can obtain to help me help him. On the bright side I understand that he does want a divorce from her but is trying to work things out favorably for the children, especially My son is also willing to let his narcissistic wife live in his home with their daughter! Unreal! She doesn’t deserve the favorable treatment! She is also here on a Green Visa, but he can have her deported for domestic issues, and I truly believe this is what I hope and pray my son will do.
Thank you for listening. Your articles have provided me with helpful and most useful information on this most destructive behavior. Is there any help that you may be able to provide me regarding this desperate situation? I am most concerned about my son and his children, to say the least.

Again, thank you for your help and expertise.

This is exactly what Dr. Patrick Carnes states in his book called The Betrayal Bond. False hope is a trap. It’s important to stay focused on reality rather than the fantasy bond ( trauma bonding ). I recently lapsed but my inner truth is keeping me watchful and detached. It’s funny how he can act nice. That means he knows when he is being an entitled monster operating out of his dark side. I notice how much better I felt when I went three months without contact. I felt free. Yes, it is also connected to alcohol. Both are connected. Abuse and alcohol,

He can’t change. If he could he would have by now. All he does is act better for a few minutes hoping to get what he wants. He isn’t real.

I will go back to putting him down and continue to work on what caused me to contact him, because he never initiates contact. I might get little text messages saying nothing at all but no phone calls and he never asks me out. He lets me do all the work,

He had been married and divorced four times plus countless broken relationships.

I don’t need to be number five.

I was doing well but then I slipped. But, I am ready to go back on track.

Thanks for the reminder!

Reading this triggers sickening fear. I know what I’m up against is a tall, booby-trapped wall, yet I know I must somehow climb over it to get to the other side. I know it is not going to be easy, and I will very likely be shredded to bits on the way, but I must try. I must. He will send the hounds out for me when I make my first dash to freedom. Not to minimize the suffering of any victim, but this is like being kidnapped and held in his basement to rot, and sometimes he will stop by to try yet another device of torture to see how effective it is. I have long since abandoned the hope for him to change,, long since let go of any idealization of affection for him. I simply want out. But, as you said in this article, I lost self-worth, my career, and my health on so many levels. I have tried to gain the strength I need to make it on my own, and I gain some ground, then something “catastrophic” will derail me and I end up in the pit again. This has happened time and again. I am in his little glass jar and I can see out, but I just can’t be out.

Not yet. It is the real hope that someday I will be free. Someday, I will see an opening and make a run for it. It is the real hope that forces me to believe that I will successfully hide from the hounds. It is real hope that keeps me hanging on and dreaming that someday I will breathe freedom. Hope is not the enemy when, as you said, it is directed toward reality. I used to hope that our life would someday magically change for the better, “just as soon as this, that or the other thing”. He dished out crumbs of the dream, knowing that each one I picked up would keep me holding onto the hope of something that would never be, could never be, an impossibility. These days, if he tried to paint the pretty picture of our castle on the hill in the sunset, I would throw up. There is no possible future with him in it that could ever be acceptable. I just want out. Hope is my champion.

Kim—in the case of my narcissist, I am convinced that this is fundamentally a spiritual issue—at least in the case of my narcissist—named Kim, btw.

My only hope rests upon her being delivered of the demonic spirits which have inhabited her, I believe, since she was very young. Although I haven’t seen her since mid 2017, I still love her and feel deep compassion for her and I pray for her and her family daily. I told her that I could not fulfill our covenant to marry, until she was baptized in the Holy Spirit. We still communicate by text, and I see that she is becoming more and more distressed—perhaps her transformation will happen soon.

Because of my love and compassion for her, I have not abandoned hope yet. I have surrendered my future and hopes into God’s hands.
Please remember us in your prayers.
Thank you! Tim

Mine is in therapy and there is a difference in his behavior but after 30 years I finally got it!!! He will do and say anything just to get back in. Not this time. Not ever again. Did that too many times and it only got worse and I finally ran out of the house. Ended up in a fire house who called the police. Filed a report. Stayed with a friend till the next day I went and got an order of protection and came home once he was out. I went no contact till my court date and he was there. He cried and pleaded with me and so on. Same stuff I heard before. He was so scared cause I never went this far. I told him he will never have the chance to make anything up to me or prove that he’s changed. Told him I’m done caring about anything about him. It’s time I worry about myself. I have ptsd but I am working on myself. This site has opened my eyes and educated me where I have been baffled for more than half my life. I kept describing my life as feeling like I had a rope around my neck, hands tied behind my back and being dragged around. Thank you Kim. I have a long road ahead of me. Anyone reading this, get away as fast as you can. Especially if you have kids. Mine are both suffering with stomach and anxiety issues. Don’t put off the inevitable.

I do think the hope drives you crazy as you’re dropped another crumb through the fog. I have come to realise however that it wasn’t him I was addicted to but the complete puzzle to work him out as on the one hand you have this over the top version of love and the other sheer hate and it was that puzzle that was so addictive. Thank goodness in the end it just bored me to death but the aftermath has been very difficult, working on myself as to why id put up with that bs and dealing with the trauma. It’s not what I thought I’d ever be brought to but it has been cathartic. You can’t fix a mental health condition of that magnitude. I wish I had realised at the beginning and they really are the most boring vacuous people

If you have truly been correctly diagnosed with PTSD, and you have been fortunate to do work about it with a qualified Counseling services provider..I urge you to comit to now trying let’s call it, ( PTSD 2.0 ) .. So Many of your ” issues ” can be rooted in your PTSD. Newly released from the Veterans Department is latest PTSD research and treatment method’s from the most recently completed PTSD and related research and clinical results of the most leading institutions.! Childrens PTSD is a every more in-depth conversation of newly understanding long term symptoms, not documented not understood like it is within the last 5 years. I’ve recently found out my Army Trauma was actually not my first primary Trauma, but only added to a Childhood Trauma Experience.! Earth Shaking yet has given me more peace from Night Terror’s in the last month than nearly 20 years of PTSD therapy prior. Facing the root source is liberating.

One of the best, most helpful, competent, clearly written articles regarding this dramatic, dangerous, destructive condition one may experience in life that may last for long, long time and destroy lives. You know what you’re talking about and suggesting. Only I believe we attract theese situations and relationships to evolve: I firmly believe this. For paradoxical it may seem, only when we thank the narcissists and God for the lessons taught to us, that we can finally move on happy, stronger, toward healthy, gioiuose relationships. If we were already strong, instructed in that area,, we would have not needed it and those teachers. In a world with so much darkness, you’re a shining light. Thank you again.

You are soooo right. It took me 35yrs to realize that and the fact that the relationship made me physically sick. After I said enough is enough I was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. And after I left God pulled me thru. I am on my own now and its hard because I endured so much.

Can a Narcissists change? Absolutely they can, like a chameleon can change to adapt to their environment. I’ve been divorced from my narc for 7 years now an still trying to figure out what the heck happened. They change by adapting whatever is needed to achieve their objective and get what they want. I remember in the beginning many years ago my narc was just like me in every way. I had no idea she was just reflecting “me” back to me. After getting married a portion of the mask slips off, and once you have kids that the non narc parent is dedicated to, game over. When my kid was 12 I told her ” I don’t know how much more I can take” She put her arm around me and said ” I don’t know how you put up with it this long daddy, I’m going with you, you raised me” Sweet words of encouragement.

[…] Do not count on the narcissist to do what they promise to do for you.  They make promises to keep you enmeshed in the relationship and hopeful for a healed future with them.  It’s Future-Faking 101. […]

The problem here is the chemistry, that chemistry part that needs to be released and changed after this kind of relationships, that pert of the brain in constant fear that during the years we managed to camouflage and make it normal, believing that life is just that…for many of us it was just that, thats why we cant create other paths or other programs we think this is the program and how it has to be, and we realize that no we dont know how the hell get the fuck out of here. Another problem is that the changes that victims have to make are so huge that its an stucking situation, at the same time, Ive been with loads of narcissists in my life at least 5 relationships, I took it like normal and how it has to be love, I took it like I would be happy helping him to change I took my 2 years of healing and suffering a lot I recovered myself a lot and started to make great changes, and then I came back to another relationship in the moment that my loneliness wound and fears were activated, I tell myself many excuses as I cant do this totally alone or I need someone, I tell myself things like I dont want to come back to that state of loneliness but paradojically with this narcissist I am playing musci, doing stuff, he is paying my bills, and a few more things that a normal narcissist wouldnt do…thats why I keep the hope, its sad what i am saying but as honest as I could explain it.

My ex resurfaced after two months of no contact, asking for my help with him not knowing what’s real and what’s not. I held my grounds and said it was not my job to help him. And I had no desire to make him better for her happiness. Your tormenting me and trying to pull me into your games.again. I am doing good so stay away, you hurt me for the last time. He asked my forgiveness and I allowed he was forgiven but leave me alone. You chose her and split without any words for the last two months, that was working for me. I finally found a new man I enjoyed company with after two years of off and on relations with my ex. I couldn’t believe he thought he could come back and I would trauma bond a little more with him.
Ok, yesterday he shot and killed himself. Dead, gone, never again will he surface. I am sad, mad, hurt even deeper. Its hard to know I resisted him being toxic to me but never considered he was toxic to himself. I am traumatized at the moment by all this. Standing up for me feels selfish and mean. My jealousy of her having him flooded my body and I refused to even hear his requests. I don’t know. Its crazy and the end of him in my life forever. He took himself completely away with her gun and in her house. I pray he found peace and am glad I allowed him my forgiveness before he chose to end his misery. I just need to put this out there. Thank you for reading…

That is the hardest part for me also! To be able to feel so much for people and see all the hurt and feel all the hurt that they are feeling. And then to see a narcissist go around consuming the energy of people that barely have any energy to give! And then to walk around so smug !I can understand how they can walk around with that feeling inside then in like! It looks like poison to me when I look at it.

I get it. They can’t change because they don’t feel there’s anything wrong with them.

Great article Kim, I agree with everything you said regarding hope & narcissists. Grew up with them, married into them. It’s been nonstop work to maintain boundaries & enormous pain with the constant triangulating, being scapegoated, gaslit etc….
The only thing I have to add is that, I did actually, really and truly see Bigfoot with several other people when I was 15. No lie. It was Bigfoot. I have no history of psychosis haha.
Thx for all you do.

Just wondering how the advice would change if the narcissist is my adult son who is estranged from the entire family. Is it any different? Or is there no hope that a son would come back to his whole family? Each member of the family has a different level of hope for the future and I’m having trouble, as his mom, giving up hope that things will change.

This is an amazing article! I have read hundreds, but this one tells it all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

They will not change. That’s who they are: users, liars and manipulators. That’s who they are in their core, that’s how they live.
Hope, in this case, is pure self- deception. Pure illusion.

Thinking the hardest part for us empaths is understanding / accepting the fact that narcs are only concerned with themselves ….

Thank you for your texts, it helps me to understand and feel the pain and let it go…. 2 years of my life wasted and I still have lots of bills to pay, all thanks to the Fucking narcisist

This topic was so on time. I just spoke with one of my spiritual daughters yesterday, who is battling with this very thing HOPE for her relationship with her children’s father. She knows he’s a narc, but can’t seem to come to the reality, that he’s not going ro change. Thx for this article…I wil share with her.

If your a perfectionist it might just keep you hooked into this very unhealthy relationship with a narcissist.Pefectionist have “all or nothing”thinking.Most of their friends respect them but if they cant get all their friends to respect them then they feel they are a failure.Watch out for this type “all or nothing” thinking. Like I have to succeed at everything or I am a total failure

You know the narcissist doesn’t respect you the way real friends do.But don’t stay hooked to the narcissist thinking you can eventually convince them to treat you with respect.You believe this because you never had a problem getting others to respect you.

Carol, thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart aches for how much hurt and pain you have endured and for such a long time. I myself am healing from a man who not only mentally emotionally psychologically and financially abused me but also raped me when we were separated as payback; he thought I cheated.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please, if you want anyone to talk to please email me at [email protected]. God bless, Suzy 🙂

They thrive on you being stuck. And as a mental disorder, it is engrained into the brain. The more a narcissist uses it, the stronger the brain stimulus gets. The worse they become. It is habitual and an addiction and they NEED it. Without you they’ll find someone else.

I am out!! After seven years of trying to understand why he was the way he was, I realised that every intuitive sign that I ignored, I should have listened to. I even journalled these thoughts endlessly trying to find solutions. It’s been seven weeks and I had to have police help to make me escape. I didn’t want that but it was the best thing in hindsight. And now he’s angry, very angry. We have a small child and this terrifies me what he will do with his pawn when he gets him. My little man hasn’t asked for his daddy once! He knows. Children know when words of love are fake. One thing I managed to achieve – he can never have anymore children with another poor victim – this was his way of trapping women and I stopped it. Some people see through him but most think he’s the most wonderful father because of his fake show. His children know otherwise! Nobody asks the children and this makes me so angry. I hope he dies old and lonely. My life begins here. I laughed for the first time last week, and then I laughed again realising that I can laugh at myself for such a silly thing. I will rebuild despite this evil entity. He is pathetic and he knows it. I win. I got away!

how do you delete or block your only daughter? what’s left to live for

I am a 71 year old female married for 43 years to a Narcissist who is now 80 yrs. old.
I was a Registered Nurse for 40 years. I was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease and had graduated to a walker and was close to needing a wheelchair.
My now separated spouse knocked me down causing a concussion and I almost bit my tongue off. He also threatened to ruin my very large curio cabinet with beautiful figurines, plates, etc from my deceased mother and grandmother. He had a hammer in his hand and each time he pulled back and went back to the glass, he turned to me and I truly saw a demon in him.
I was able to move towards the house phone and he came after me with the hammer. He smashed my cell phone in my hand and I was able to push myself enough to the land line to call 911. All the while this was happening, I was screaming, “He’s going to kill me.” The police took him to jail and I was taken to the Hospital just before my 70th birthday. I had been raised with a very abusive father and a passive mother and I did not know that living the way I had been living was wrong. The Victim advocates helped me move further away and the Council On Aging supplied me with Meals On Wheels and someone to come to clean my apartment. I was devastated and cried more than I had ever cried before. I secluded myself for at least 5 months and spent a lot of time in the Bible and talking to God. The people I thought were my friends turned against me and no one called or came to see me, as my husband had smeared my good name and the “Flying Monkeys” believed that I was the bad person. I thought many times of taking my life, but being a Christian stopped me. The incredible thing that happened during my seclusion is that I was totally healed of Parkinsons Disease and have never felt better!
My Neurologist could not believe the change in me. Between the obvious repair of the chemicals in my brain and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I was healed!
I continue to have trauma bond and have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, as I have been
with Narcissists all of my life.
I always new that there was something wrong but I took my wedding vows seriously and stayed. I wish I had left a long time ago, as both of my children suffer from substance abuse. My husband has turned them against me and now I don’t hear from them, once again, hurting me terribly. I text them all the time, but no matter what I say, I never hear from them.
He also hurt me terribly financially as he had obviously been planning to discard me for a while.
He took our money, topped out credit cards in my name and made me have to go Bankrupt.
The excellent credit I had most of my life is gone and my husband has it instead.
I would like a Divorce but at our ages and the fact that I don’t have the financial means we are and will remain separated. The Police have told me to call them If he causes any further problems, but instead of going to jail, he has been told he will go to Prison.
I have learned to be alone with my dog and cat for the first time in my life. I never knew what peace felt like, but I do now and I like it. I have found a wonderful church family and am now able to drive since I am now healthy. I just wish that I hadn’t given up the best years of my life to such an evil person. No one can tell me that these awful people are not possessed my an evil spirit. I truly saw one in him.
I find myself reminiscing about some of the few good times we had and I have to swallow hard and keep going. I would never let him back in my life again now that I know the truth that he never even loved me. That was the hardest thing for me to find out, because I know I was a good wife and mother and I gave him my all. I advise everyone to get on with their lives, look forward and not backward, find new friends and acquaintances and learn to love yourself.
My husband at 80 yrs old is renting a room along with another man in an older woman’s house. I don’t no what is going to happen to him in the future and there are times I truly feel sorry for him. All I can do is to continue to pray for him and I have to move on with my life without looking back.
It has been just a little over a year since I was hurt and discarded. I am in Therapy and still cry a lot. I was told it could take me years to get over all the mental, emotional and physical abuse I have had all of my life. I am just taking one day at a time and I am getting stronger. I keep him on no contact, which helps a lot.
Something has to be done to make the general public aware of these awful people to basically go around destroying peoples lives. The thing that bothers me is that the don’t care about the abuse and devastation they leave behind. They literally destroy families. They are nothing but empty shells with no love, empathy or any feelings for anyone but themselves.

I have no hope left after 30 years and the narc has not changed. Can a leopard change his spots? I think not. My health is improving in most areas except menopause. Why would I give the devil another chance to finish me? The narc DOES NOT Know what LOVE IS, only how to use, abuse and confuse others. The narc deserves to be alone and without friends since he is a hypocrite and used the Holy Scriptures twisted albeit to spiritually and financially abuse. I have been set free and I will not go back to slavery. Healing and victory are mine. No matter how many years I have left, at least I will have my peace and freedom. I will no longer waste my time on fake, evil swine or heifers. If you are not for me, you are against me. I pray that everything that was stolen from me deceitfully will be restored and then some because I was part of the problem but now I see the Light. HalleluYah. Thank you Kim for this refreshing message!

The idiot was a text book narc, the one thing he does slightly differently is his social media. He hasn’t been on his since the day we “broke up” (actually he had broken up with me months before as he was in a relationship with someone presumably), he just hadn’t informed me but apparently I was the one who broke up with him! In any event, he doesn’t flaunt his new supplies but I’m assuming he has set up different social media. I couldn’t care less about his current sex life (thank goodness I haven’t got to go through that fake show anymore). I get the odd visit in the middle of the night with him banging the front gate so I guess he is not done with me yet (I think he wants my house, fat chance). Have installed a camera doorbell so hope to catch him next time. It must be awful to be that insane. I’m a long way into recovery if only he would push off! Kim, love your emails which always arrive when my mind is addled about something. My main query if you could address it is how one is to “act”, as in what to actually say, other than be as boring as possible, when he manipulates some interaction. For instance, he saw me walking the dogs and kept driving past. In the end, I just stared impassively at him. However bad I’m feeling about myself, I do thank goodness I’m not living his life which isn’t really a life at all but I’m going from strength to strength getting back my life, my heart and my ability to love again. The thing he tried the hardest to do was to stop me laughing, he certainly achieved that but I’m laughing now. It actually made me jump the first time I laughed out loud after NC but it was a great feeling.

My ex told my daughter he was in love with her when I was away on holiday,when I asked him /challenged him about this he told me to get over myself and that it was taken out of context.He didn’t have any understanding about how I might feel about that, so I asked him how he thought my daughter felt when he said that, I then asked him how he thought his daughter would feel if her mum’s partner told her he was in love with her as he didn’t seem to get it. I also found out that I was in his phone under my daughter’s name, as in Emma’s mum.( Names changed) He hit me once , after we had split up when I asked him not to come to my work place, when I challenged him ( later) about him hitting me , he completely denied it, said I was delusional and that if he had hit me I would be in hospital ( gaslighting). He also sexually assaulted me once , when I asked him why he did it, he said women often say no when they mean yes, I said I was crying, saying get off you are hurting me, that is not saying yes, he just smiled. I actually think he really believes he didn’t do some of these things. He could be really kind, generous and thoughtful to other people, especially to women, women would phone him all the time to get advice about relationship problems, he has set himself up as a kind of relationship guru, available any time of the day or night for his advice. They would usually not know about me as he liked to keep his private life private.
He had 2 phones, I was only allowed one of the numbers , he would give the other number out to total strangers, and one of my friends, this was so humiliating, eventually he gave it to me when I told him , I was beginning to doubt myself and felt I was going mad.
I finally stopped seeing him 5 months ago after 5 /6 years and it has been hard .

I know it’s still a short time in the game that I’ve been separated and I just can’t seem to shake this emotional garbage. In the beginning it was some sex we had and over a period of 10 years it dwindled down to nothing and it seemed like all I was doing was to try to please her and felt nothing out of it! I sometimes look at other people to talk with and have a hard time at that! I guess I’m to damned kind hearted and that’s what gets me in trouble!

From my personal experience (father, mother, sister, brother, husband, boyfriend they cannot change because they never acknowledge it’s their fault. It took me 55 years of MY life to realize this. Don’t waste your time and/or hold out for change, even if it’s family members and you do so out of duty. It doesn’t change. It only gets worse and can include, as stated, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide, loss of finances, and worse. Live YOUR life and go NC as soon as you can. Peace is at the side, and the grass is greener too! Special thanks to Kim for helping guide me through.

I feel like I’m a narcissist. The more I read about it, the more I see myself in the words. I ruin every relationship I come into and I cause people to retaliate against me. I was in a 15 year off and on relationship with someone who I think had a diagnosis of NPD, but I’m not sure now. I do know he gaslighted me back in 2010 and I overdosed, taking over 200 pills and yet, I’m still here and still creating toxicity wherever I go. I cause others to hate me and throw me out of their lives. I don’t get all these wonderful things that narcissists get though and that’s where I’m confused. I’m usually picked over because there’s always someone better that my love interest finds and usually not long after meeting me. I opted out of relationships for my sake and the sake of others’ sanity and then fell hard for a friend. Now, he hates me too. I wanted to put distance in that friendship because I knew it was harming both of us and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried to talk myself into it and I still wasn’t able to force myself to leave. So, I made him kick me out of his. I knew that was the only way I would leave; by making him miserable enough to hate me and get rid of me. I’ve been in therapy for ages and I have a great therapist who I started working with in January. Still, nothing helps. Nothing sticks, nothing works and I’ve been thinking for awhile that I’m hopeless. I read this article and I think that’s me. There is no hope because I end up with the opposite result of what I want. No amount of research or knowing about myself helps. “Just think positive” doesn’t make a difference. If I don’t have NPD, then I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I mean besides the BPD, major depression, anxiety, codependency, C-PTSD, and raised by unloving narcissistic parents. Other than all those lovely things, I don’t know what else is wrong with me that I can’t seem to make the necessary changes. I apologize for my rant. I’m at my wit’s end and stuck. I don’t see too many alternatives at this point other than ending it. I’m sure many people would breathe a sigh of relief and give me a standing ovation. I don’t want to take that route but I can’t continue on like this. I’m constantly in emotional pain and who would want me to live the rest of my life like this? I don’t want to cause any more grief to myself or others and whatever it is, I think I’m hopeless. If anybody wants to know what hell is, I suggest they watch me for a week.

I waited 40 years for him to change and I left last May I told him I wanted a divorce I wait it will not happen move on

[…] Do not count on the narcissist to do what they promise to do for you.  They make promises to keep you enmeshed in the relationship and hopeful for a healed future with them.  It’s Future-Faking 101. […]

I am not sure if my husband is a narcissist. All I know is he’s a cheater and she’s 30 years younger. She’s 31 he’s 61 I am 60. And he decided to cheat and then says to me she should have left me 10 years ago. He did not bother to work on our relationship or even talked to me about it. He talked to this 31-year-old coworker, who he claims was very understanding and so he spent the rest of last December making my life sick and spent News years eve with her in a hotel. Came home the next day and lied like I have never heard before. Some days I feel broken, I am the month of another December and just feel awful. All this he did in December 2016.Thank you with all my heart for listening to my hurt.
Hugs

Ironic you mentioned Jim Carrey….. he is a prime example of a classic narcissist, he is left a blazing example of narcissistic abuse of his treatment of his late ex-girlfriend ‘Cat’ who committed suicide in 2015 due to PTSD narcissistic abuse syndrome and from all his many depraved abusives to her in their time together. It is a utterly devastating example of the products of a narcissist being in your life and being allowed to continue their abuses of people near to them, they Never stop, only continue the narcissistic abuse cycle, devastate and discard…. I suggest everybody who cares about this issue read all they can about wrongful death case her family is pursuing in the California court system, and honor this victim of abuse by hearing her voice and story now. Narcissistic abuse is a Public Health crisis and we need to inform ourselves and others about them, to prevent tragedies like what happened to this poor beautiful soul.

They don’t change, it’s only a temporary change…. it always goes back

I sent my narcissist packing 4.5 months ago because I felt so ill and he told me I was attention seeking I was in hospital 12 hours later, definatley no empathy! I have had proper NC for 4 weeks and today I laughed at something on TV for the first time since we split. I am tortured and devastated by thoughts of what he is doing without me, I think he has a new supply ( one of my so called friends ) I am still thinking the relationship breakdown was my fault I am still not sure if he is indeed a narcissist I have to read Kim’s articles and these posts for validation, so Thankyou guys it really helps other victims or should I say survivors ( I don’t feel like one yet! ) I hope this pain will end soon and I don’t want thoughts of him whirling around inside my head I’m so sick and tired.

As soon as I went no contact he moved in a new girl from another state and bought her a brand new car (for precisely the amount that he bullied me down in our settlement agreement). Now he is posting relentlessly on social media (I have him blocked, but keep hearing about it) and taking her to all of the social events with our mutual friends. It’s insane and I feel like an exile in my own town because I’m avoiding my usual spots so I don’t see him. I accidentally ran into him last week and – just as I predicted – received an email from him 2 days later. However, the relief I feel at finally ceasing to respond is incomparable. I know that this tacit abuse will end sooner or later. I spent 8 years suffering with a man I now realize was a monster. I’m grateful he has another girl to torture instead of me, although I feel sorry for her. But who packs up and moves in with a stranger less than 3 weeks after meeting him? I feel stronger than I ever knew possible since I got the strength to finally leave. He lied and cheated and abused me for years and I was so confused and convinced it was me that was the problem that I couldn’t even function. Now I am free and I am so grateful I made it out with my life and my sanity intact.

The power of God can change everything!
Heck, look at church,
it’s full of broken people,
The type of people society gets away with, and they all have problems (some of the most serious problem people are in church).
Yet somehow, over time, these people seem to be able to climb the social ladder and stabilize.
I’ve seen drug addicts turn from their ways,
Alcoholics,
Abusive people all of a sudden become aware of their abuse and repent.
People with serious lack of, or no communication skills, rising up to becoming a ‘normal’ person communicative wise!
I myself was a thief, and I changed my ways.
But truth be told, that didn’t happen overnight.
It took time, to change my mindset.

But the biggest change, was my faith.
I’m not going to evangelize here, but it literally opened my eyes to right and wrong.
Not like the rest of the world sees it. But to truth, that allowed me in a non-judgemental way to change myself to becoming a better person.
Not some sort of fantasy, but a reality, where I’ve seen few people give themselves into faith like I did, and have seen similar results.

Can a narcissist change?
Yes,
when he understands his issues, and is genuine about wanting to change it, and tries.
He must be given grace to at least try to change.
If it’s not with 1 partner, it has to be with several.
And the people who have suffered under it, are best off if they can look back to that relationship, and remain honorful towards the man (or woman), even if a lot of bad happened.
The woman who judges the man who is struggling, is struggling herself but doesn’t see it either.
Reminds me of the story of the one who is without issues, throw the first stone.

We all have issues. And I understand that sometimes it’s better to remove yourself from a bad relationship. But it’s even better after you do, to see if you can somehow mend again, when this person truly has changed.

I can’t believe I was fooled for 6 years. I always blamed it on his combat PTSD. The crazy thing is I use to tell him that he use to have emotion when we met after being cold to me for years. He always said no I never did. And me saying yes you did. Little did I know he was actually telling the truth but I didn’t realize he was a Narc then. So crazy that’s one thing he was honest about. I know he wouldn’t have said or admitted that at the time if he knew that I knew he was a narc.

This will be my 3rd day No Contact. Purchasing the course in 2 weeks when I have the money. Want to buy one of youre nooks Kim in the meantime but no clue which one to start with

My tought is that he cannot find another supply, and he obesses on the time you feed him with authetic unabashed naive supply of you. He cannot accept the supply is gone. Instead he thinks, ‘How dare you be coursgeous fighting for your life in a new direction and leave him naked to himself.’ Think of addict’s behavior… At least that helps me. My heart is broken open to you and all of you fighting. Thank you for sharing a place to anchor against the winds of recovery.

I love your articles. I just don’t know how to get through the withdrawal

What do you do if they continue to intrude into your life? My computer was hacked. My cell phone. How do you prove it? It’s like a nightmare!!

Love the question, love the 9+ weeks of no contact. Do I still think of him, sure? Do I still wish things had been different for 6 years, sure?
The reality is, I was the one that brought love, understanding, stability, compassion and empathy (and great sex) to our lives.
I once believed that anyone could change their thoughts and actions. Not so with the personality that is required of the Narc.
I recall neighbors who’s wells have literally gone dry and they have to hire a company to drill and hope for an immediate hit.
Well, no pun intended, his well was always dry even with promises of a new tomorrow.
I am grateful that there are no more lies, rages and scapegoating coming my way from him. And you betcha that my eyes are wide open now for any man or woman that I allow into my life who means to do harm to me.
I’m coming to terms with my cancer. I will take a gazillion days of cancer over a millisecond of his abuse.
xoxoxoxoxo

Instead of wondering why they left, now ask “What beauty can i create in the space they no longer occupy?” Personally, i felt like i was released from jail and lucky to get out with (most) of my sanity. They robbed you of however many years? Don’t let them rob you of another minute of your precious time by giving them another thought!!

I went for years with the narc (I won’t call him my narc any longer) promising to return to therapy, where I realize now going once a month, missing appointments, etc., is useless; promising to go back to the neurologist for the biofeedback work, and never doing so, all the while sourcing on the side and getting his supply elsewhere while I naively thought things were possibly going to turn around for us. It’s a journey of discovery, horrendous pain at the betrayals by someone we thought loved us, realization that they’re incapable of love as it’s defined, and then up and out of the darkness. Thank you Kim for your help for all of us!

Yeah so did my ex …. I never existed for him …. he’s happy with his new supply. Actually just like we were in the beginning until he started to destroy our relationship…and of course he says it’s my fault… I was devoted to him, I worshiped every step he did. I know I did everything and beyond to save the relationship but I know his cruelty was uncontrollable… Now he has new vibrant women, just like I was before he drained me, new excitement and I’m here crying my heart out. Nothing is making me happy… Yeah I know the cycle … I’m positive he will do the same like he did with me, with his ex, with his 2 ex wives. (one of suicided herself).
Even tho I know history repeats itself but that still doesn’t lessen the pain that I’m feeling seeing them happy and jolly.

Maybe they could change…if they wanted to. They don’t. It’s just so much easier for them to totally drain the life out of you and then move on to a new target like you never existed.

They just can’t change. They don’t have the capacity to ever have empathy or mutual relationships. It’s SO SAD.

I think some people can change, but that doesn’t mean I will ever allow them back into my life. I can pray for them and try to forgive them, but they are NOT welcome in my life anymore.

Narcissists have to be sincere about wanting to change and they must admit they have a problem. Too many of them are in denial because they want to blame somebody else.
I’m done with being the scapegoat. Narcissists are responsible for looking within themselves and trying to become better people…until then, they are toxic to others.

I had hoped that my ex would change. That he would stop the rages, the blame, the accusations, the verbal and emotional abuse. But he didn’t.
I had to let him go and I also had to let go of the hope that he would change. People will only change if they want to. He didn’t see a problem with his treatment of me, so I made the choice to walk away.
Loving him wasn’t going to fix anything. Trying to reason with an angry, abusive person was futile…so I had to be the catalyst for change by ending the relationship.

Have been there. For over 4 years he kept up the facade of being a great guy. It really seemed like we were made for each other. Didn’t realize that he continued to see his supposedly “X” girlfriend for 5 years before me and throughout our relationship. It has been 2 years since the mask came off and I experienced the cold hearted discard. He couldn’t make up his mind who he wanted to be with so I succumbed to his lies and experienced 2 more discards. Finally told him I wasn’t doing this anymore. Totally broke my heart but really what rational person would want to risk putting up with that for the rest of their lives. No contact really does help you clear your head so that you can be rational. It really does become a mindless foggy existence and you can’t see how bad it is until you have been out of it with no contact. You revisit all the experiences and conversations and you see it, not from your perspective but from his as you now know him to be, not from what you would have expected from the man he pretended to be.
The NO CONTACT advise that is repeatedly given really is essential to get your life back.

I read these posts all day every day searching for my inner strength. I know what he is, who he is and that he will never change. I have changed everything about myself that I no longer know who I am. I can’t even smile anymore. Everything about this relationship has destroyed me as the woman I used to love. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I have lost my sanity. This page is what keeps me going.. I appreciate all of you for sharing your stories. knowing I am not alone helps me to sleep at night. i’m so scared.. I am waiting for him to discard me because I can’t walk away…

Kim – you knocked it out of the park with this post. Furthermore, society likes to provide us with hope stories in our childhood which also allows us to disregard all the signs and signals that the relationship is toxic. Thank you so much for your posts.

If they repeatedly cause you pain and/or ignore your pain, that is not love. That is a self-serving, soul-sucking black hole which will devour you if you let it. Sounds awfully dramatic, but it’s the truth. Think about it next time you are crying all alone and he/she could not care less. Such are the clues things will never get better. Leaving may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it will be one of the smartest things you do, guaranteed. LOVE DOESN’T REPEATEDLY HURT YOU!

Moved by the following analogy: “You’ll barely notice the deadly capsizing of your boat until it’s too late.” Thank you for the life jacket, Kim via LMR. I may not yet be swimming, but the boat sank and I am floating 🙂

About the best they can do is fake it. They can go through the motions, ape the feelings of empathy, ape taking responsibility, and ape apologising, but they FEEL NONE of it. Absolutely NONE of it.

When you finally run out of hope with your narcissist, that’s to me- when the healing begins and when you implement NC for the final time.

Hope kept me sick for a long time. Hope in abusive relationships is pretty much loading the gun and handing it back to the Narc. And they will shoot again.

We always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt because we are good hearted people. But there has to be a cut off point of how much hope you will allow to alter your reality.

When you show people that they can walk all over you, why wouldn’t they think any differently?

I agree! I clung to hope for so long and he never changed ever, just came up with other ways that I should change so that the things he did wouldnt bother me anymore.

Nope. Never. Non. Jamás. Nein. Etcetera etcetera and so on.