Am I a narcissist? This question keeps too many people awake at night.
You’ve read the articles saying “we all have narcissistic traits” and have taken a gazillion quizzes, but you still can’t tell for sure (and if we’re honest with ourselves, most of the stuff out there is just clickbait and completely ungrounded).
Fret no more! After watching this video, you will know FOR SURE whether or not you’re a narcissist. No fluff, no bait and switch…just cold, hard facts.
Today, I’m going to help you determine exactly, Am I a narcissist? I see so many abuse victims being devastated by the idea that they might be the narcissist who’s causing all the problems in their relationships. In this video, you will learn four indisputable signs that you are not a narcissist (and why).
I do want to preface this discussion by saying that many of us who’ve been targets of narcissistic abuse often act uncharacteristically when we’ve been pushed to the limit. I did that, back in the day, in my own relationships with narcissists. But that’s not what I’ll be discussing. Today, I’m going to share four signs that prove you’re not a narcissist.
Let’s get started…
Are You a Narcissist? Four Ways to Tell
1 – Narcissists Don’t Worry If They’re Narcissists
Narcissists don’t sit around wondering, Am I a narcissist?
They don’t wonder if they’ve hurt people. They’re not self-reflecting on ways to be better partners, better parents, better sons or daughters, better friends, or better siblings. They are not concerned with any of those things. This is the primary determinant of whether or not you’re a narcissist.
I feel compelled to briefly discuss the concept of the self-aware narcissist, which is a label that’s been floating around, and I don’t agree with it. I think a lot of the confusion comes from narcissists using cognitive empathy on people.
Related Article: How the Narcissist Hurts You Using Cognitive Empathy
The idea of “self-aware” narcissists doesn’t mean they’re aware of the fact (or even care) that they’re hurting people.
What defines a self-aware narcissist is that they’ve become aware that their behaviors and their abuse are not accepted by society. They’ve been through certain incidents in their lives that have caused them some trouble. And so, they’ve become aware that they need to present themselves differently to be able to deceive people better.
Granted, there are some therapists and PhDs who insist that their narcissistic clients are self-aware. I’ve read the same articles you have. But what I haven’t seen is any of that manifest in real life. I’ve never seen therapy help narcissists, and I’ve not seen these so-called self-aware narcissists making any lasting improvements to their relationships.
2 – You’ve Developed a Trauma Bond
The second sign that you’re not the narcissist is that you are experiencing a trauma bond.
Narcissists do not experience or develop trauma bonds. Only we do as their victims and targets.
Narcissists don’t form any kind of real bond with those they are in relationships with. They don’t attach to people emotionally. Their ‘attachments’ look completely different than ours.
It might seem that the narcissist you’re in love with or are involved with in some way, is attached to you, but again, a lot of that’s just the use of cognitive empathy; the use of psychological manipulation.
This is how they get away with all the horrible relationship crimes they’re committing.
When it comes to narcissists, you can tell they’re not trauma bonded because they’re diving nose-first into the next relationship. And honestly, when you see the narcissist entering a new relationship, most of the time, the relationship is not new. They were grooming that person long before your relationship ended.
Targets of narcissistic abuse, on the other hand, don’t typically jump right into another relationship. Now it does happen that oftentimes we do start dating again too soon. And that’s because we fear being alone. We fear not having someone outside of ourselves to validate and approve of us.
This is part of our healing journey after narcissistic abuse …learning to be alone, learning to feel comfortable with it, and learning to work through those abandonment wounds so that we don’t depend on another person for our sense of wholeness.
Trauma bonding is the reason we feel we can’t leave, even though we know the relationship is extremely toxic, even though we know that they are going to hurt us again. So, if you are experiencing a trauma bond, then you are not a narcissist.
3 – You are Experiencing Symptoms of PTSD or C- PTSD.
If you don’t know what those acronyms stand for, PTSD is post-traumatic stress disorder and C-PTSD is complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
PTSD typically happens after a one-time event like an earthquake, a car accident, or a mugging. Complex PTSD happens when you are subjected to traumatic events over a long period of time. This is exactly what happens when we’re in relationships with narcissists because we’re constantly being bombarded with all kinds of traumatic events.
We find out they’ve cheated. Again. We find out they’ve lied again. We find out they never left their ex that we kept asking about. We find out they got a loan in our name; we find out they are tracking us.
This doesn’t even touch on the verbal abuse, the verbal assaults, the verbal Holocaust that we have to endure in these relationships.
These repeated traumas have a very real effect on our psyches and on our physical bodies. So, if you are experiencing PTSD or C-PTSD, you are not a narcissist. Narcissists are not traumatized by relationships, only their targets are…the people they’re abusing.
4 – You Have Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
If you are experiencing symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome, then you are not a narcissist.
NAS is not something that is recognized in the DSM, but it is becoming widely accepted by counselors and therapists. There are some academics out there who will say that such a thing does not exist. And I say, they just don’t have the experience. Maybe they’re just going by the old school psychology classes that they took. They don’t want to open their minds to new concepts, or even scarier is they could be a narcissist themselves.
Sadly, there are masses of narcissists who are counselors and therapists, but there are some really great ones out there, too. They’re just hard to find. These are professionals who have typically gone through narcissistic relationships themselves.
Here are some signs that you’re experiencing Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome:
You always feel alone incredibly alone
While the narcissist may be living with you, eating meals at your table, and sleeping beside you in bed, you’ve never felt such stark loneliness. You often find yourself curled in the fetal position, envisioning someone coming to put their arms around you to help relieve your feelings of isolation.
The reason you feel this way is because you’re living with a mirage of the person you love. That person doesn’t exist and, meanwhile, you are being abandoned in every way possible.
You feel that you’re never good enough
We all struggle with self-esteem at different points in our lives. But when you are with a narcissist (after the love-bombing phase, of course) you’ll feel like nothing you do or say is ever good enough; that you are not good enough.
Whereas you were once the apple of this person’s eye, and you guys had all this fun together, there came a point in the relationship where suddenly you felt like the dregs of society.
In a healthy relationship, after the honeymoon phase is over, even though it may not feel as exciting as it did in the beginning, you will start to feel more comfortable with someone, not the other way around.
You have begun to compromise your own integrity and personal values
The way I see this manifest most commonly is parents siding with narcissists and catering to narcissists over their own children.
And if you are watching this video, I’m begging you…If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and you have kids, especially older kids, in regards to what I’m about to say, do not let the narcissist convince you to kick your own children out of the house. Please do not do that.
If your children are younger, I would still advise you to leave the relationship. Because living in a toxic environment where children see their parent, their main caregiver being abused is traumatic for them. Children can develop (and often do develop) PTSD from watching a parent being abused, whether emotionally or physically.
This can lead to a decline in their performance in school. So if you are with a narcissist and your child suddenly starts underperforming in school, don’t blame your child. You can only blame the toxic environment they’re living in.
You are completely and utterly exhausted from the cycles of hurt and rescue
This is a major factor in what forms the trauma bond.
The narcissist will traumatize you either through verbal assaults, lying to you about their infidelities, lying to you about their addiction to certain websites, and they will hurt you intentionally to bring you to your knees.
Then a little bit later, they’ll rescue you by making false promises or by hoovering.
Are You a Narcissist? When the Narcissist Accuses YOU of Being the Narcissist
There are millions of people writing and talking about narcissism. This includes narcissistic people. Many of them are sitting around just like you and me, watching these videos so they can learn better ways to be deceptive. So if the narcissist in your life is accusing you of being the narcissist and they’re throwing out different things that you’re doing that “prove” you’re a narcissist, this isn’t possible if you are experiencing the symptoms I’ve discussed today.
Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But, it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift.⠀ I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in my narcissistic abuse recovery program, which has been voted the #1 online program by folks in the psychological community.
Develop effective ways to break free from narcissistic abuse. Reduce conflict, stress & drama! Learn more now!
If you’re new here, one way to start your healing journey is by grabbing my free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap. This roadmap is packed with information and tools to begin your healing journey (I could actually charge for it, but I don’t). You get a 13-pg PDF of healing prompts, a 14-day email recovery series, and free seating in my popular masterclass, 7 Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell.
I created this roadmap for people who sincerely want to begin healing so they can finally stop the crippling pain, heal, and live the lives they deserve.