Am I a Narcissist? These 4 Signs Reveal All!

Thanks! This helped a lot. Intuitively, after my last relationship, I had a very deeply buried sense that perhaps I wasn’t a narcissist. But the main part of my brain kept reassuring me that I was and that it was narcissistic of me to even assume that my partner (who checked off 19/20 of the boxes on the narcissist test while I checked off two mild ones that were behaviors I’d already recognized in myself and have been working on improving) was one.

But there’s something here that I see in a lot of narcissism articles that I sort of have an issue with or at least wonder if I’m misinterpreting. You (and many others) often say that narcissists are ‘deceiving,’ in the active tense, as if they know what they’re doing, know that it’s wrong or unacceptable. Maybe on some subconscious level this is true for all but the one I was with for five years was as unaware as I was that her behaviors were deceitful. Granted, the difference lies in the fact that when I realized it, her full-blown narcissism came out – but only in an attempt to deny it and place the blame on me. Furthermore she was utterly (and bluntly) honest with me throughout the entire relationship; there were moments of lucidity when she would use cognitive empathy to acknowledge her faults but through some amnesic episode would forget that

For the most part I truly believe she had only the very slightest inkling that she was doing anything deceitful, albeit that inkling was strong enough to destroy our relationship entirely as to avoid being faced with it.

And on the other hand, the first narcissist I ever knew was a self-proclaimed narcissist and it’s often said that narcissists don’t know they’re narcissistic. He is beyond and above narcissistic. I dunno if he said that out loud to the women he dated, but I seem to recall he did. And then people would laugh it off.

But the deceit one is what gets me (and no I’m not trying to justify my partner’s behavior, believe me). Maybe I was the exception or maybe her denial is so complete and impressive but either way I don’t thinks he ever intentionally deceived me.

First of all thank you kim for your work and secondly to others who are reading this you are getting better mentally. You are aware that you are in an abusive relationship or know of people you love who are unhappy. . Narcs want revenge they never move on they twist things. If you are still thinking this is you then you need a lot more time away from the narc to see from afar. When you are stressed and having contact with them you may have past troubles within you own life or maybe an illness that prevents you from thinking straight and think you are the problem or you may think you can make the narc a better person feel sorry for them. Once you ask yourself how many times in your life have you behaved in a paranoid manner before the narc come along why have I changed always crying and angry and feel depressed. Maybe you have a medical condition you ask what is it? Either way you will probably find that you didn’t like yourself or have got help for you and family .. A narc cannot change they have a built in paranoia that cannot be fixed. The world is expected to feel sorry for them and to give them every thing they need and they always demand to come first. There is help I got help get the help for you and your loved ones.

Thank you so much, this is very reassuring! I love what you do!

In terms of self-aware narcissists, the great Dr. George Simon (worth reading his stuff if you haven’t) likes to say, “They may be aware, they just don’t care.” He has a few articles that touch on this on his site, drgeorgesimon.com, but a couple of his books are also worth a look.

Thank you for the easy explanation of how I’m not the abused. I’ve been married to a narcissist for about two years, it’s been very stressful and difficult- we each have a child, his son my daughter. They are both 9 years old. I protect my daughter but I can’t protect her in every situation. So I educate her on how to handle tough feelings and emotions when it comes to her step-brother and my husband.

Thank you so much. You have addressed so much that I went through in a 20 year marriage!!! Mostly the being alone, and never good enough–my problem now is I don’t trust anyone and am physically alone—this will help me look up more info and find a person that will be as comfortable with as I am with him —– thank you thank you

Unfortunately I did not leave the relationship soon enough. he kicked my son out of the house twice I was always taught to stand by your husband before your kids. Now my son is 33 and he suffers severe anxiety. We’ve 6divorced for 6 yrs now and I’ve tried to remain friends cuz I learned if I was nice to him he would be nice to my son. Talk about toxic relationships! Trying to heal. Thankyou for your words of wisdom!!

THIS is how I felt for most of my 10 year marriage, which fell off the rails about 5 years ago when I started healing from PTSD due to a sexual assault. After I did my own work, the stark loneliness was so apparent I felt like I was dying inside. “While the narcissist may be living with you, eating meals at your table, and sleeping beside you in bed, you’ve never felt such stark loneliness. You often find yourself curled in the fetal position, envisioning someone coming to put their arms around you to help relieve your feelings of isolation.”

So glad I got out… so glad I left. It’s been a hard time, but better than staying in it trying to make something “work” with someone who just doesn’t care.

I recently began reading about trauma bonding. It was eye-opening. I used to literally cry to my abuser, expecting him to console me once I explained how much he hurt me. I thought if I was honest he would get it, have empathy, and make changes for the better. Of course his behavior continued and only became worse over time. At one point I wondered if I was the narcissist. But my requests from him were centered around basic civil behavior. Once I realized my children wouldn’t even do what he does (leave the house unannounced and be gone for 12 hours, leave the house before anyone is awake on the weekends and be gone all day, mutter curses under his breath, give the silent treatment for weeks on end, lie constantly, gossip behind my and the children’s backs, and refuse to participate in family functions) I realized I wasn’t the narcissist but a co-dependent person who thought I could change a damage person. I began working on myself.

I lived with a narcissist who pretty much had me brainwashed. As I look at the 9 & a half years , we were married 9 months before he passed. He wanted to make sure I’d stay in to take care of him. When we found out anything was wrong he was already 4th stage prostate cancer and he decides he wanted to marry me. The day we married he never said I love you in our vows. I said it. That day I was feeling nauseous and I just had to deal with it even though I knew it was not right. He eventually gets put in the hospital one last time. There was a point where his father passed & his family members are in & out. Mind you I never met any of them till about a year or so before we got married. He’d already been diagnosed. One of his sisters who I had met before in several bad visits, shows up & I tell her like I told everyone else, the Dr wants to keep his visits limited to 10 to 15 minutes. I’ll be back then. She looks at him & says you’re not going to let her get away with that are you & I heard him say no. I left after that exchange & I knew what I was coming back to. Well as I walked back in I told her you can say bye now. She gets the nurse call & says help there’s a crazy lady in here. I was like what? She says their going to get you. The nurses head up the hallway & stop when she starts says just awful things about me that they knew were not true. I’d been there since he got there everyday. So finally I stood up for myself. It was as if came out of a fog. He hadn’t been around me in the evening and I felt the grip coming loose. I told him if you are going to let your sister influence your decisions about who should stick around & why you’ve always protected her when she’s been abusive to me, then I need you on your own make that decision. If you want her to stay, that’s fine I don’t care. But if that’s your honest truth I’m leaving now & I swear I will let you die alone you will no longer see me as of when you say what you want to say. I will leave you I swear! I waited a minute he told his sister to leave, she was mad. To make things worse, on the day he died, we’d seen the Dr, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me before he can’t. He stops a minute & says no. I said well I wanted to tell you I love you. He just smiled. For petes sake he couldn’t say thank you or even I love you. I was in shock. It was then that I realized there was more to his behavior and I began my research & even looked into his background, he’d robbed 3 banks, countless thefts, assults, drug possession countless times, different names & it goes on. I just couldn’t believe it. It eventually led me into 2 nervous breakdowns. But I’m still learning & working past it as much as I can. The thing is I’m learning.