things narcissists do

13 Unsettling Things Narcissists Do When They Think No One Is Looking

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If you’ve been in a relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist, there has likely come a time when you developed a burning desire to know the things narcissists do when they’re by themselves.

If we’re to be sophisticated about it, we must consider that like other citizens of society, they engage in activities that are conducive to maintaining a certain level of livelihood.  Things like going to work, having their cars serviced, and going to doctor’s appointments.

But apart from those harmless undertakings, things turn rather bleak. 

Narcissists rarely ever admit to it, but all your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth?  That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

Our “gut feelings” are called that for a reason — research suggests that emotion and intuition are very much rooted in the “second brain” in the gut.  In fact, Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia, says, “The gut can work independently of any control by the brain in your head—it’s functioning as a second brain.  It’s another independent center of integrative neural activity”.

But don’t take my word for it.  You can read all about it on Psychology Today in an article titled, Your Backup Brain.

My job here is to give you a breakdown of what the narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological depravity – does when they think no one is looking. Hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees…

Here, I map out thirteen of the most common things narcissists do when they think no one is looking.  The possibilities on this topic are endless, but the following is a sampling of the ones I’m most familiar with, some of which I personally experienced.  

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Things Narcissists Do When They Think No One Is Looking

1 – Go through your personal things

Narcissists are constantly doing things that they will eventually be confronted with.  Therefore, they spend inordinate amounts of time trying to dig up the most minuscule piece of incriminating evidence against you so that they will have ammunition when they are finally caught.

Many times, what they find “incriminating” is just a figment of their imagination or something entirely fabricated.  For example, I used to work in the banking industry for years before I left to become a teacher and, later, to create this space for narcissistic abuse recovery. 

As a bank employee, I wore suits which required me to wear pantyhose.  One day, I accidentally tore a hole in a pair of them and discarded them in the trash.  My ex, during his regular “dirt diving” practice, found them and confronted me with them, accusing me of having been unfaithful.

Of course, he was entirely wrong, but you can probably imagine how it turned out.

Long story short, narcissists engage in sneaky, underhanded behaviors every day. In many cases, they think other people are like them, but just better at hiding it.  In others, they simply want to have something to throw in your face when you discover they’re still doing ‘that thing’ they promised you they would stop doing.

A general exception to this shady practice is the cerebral narcissist, who uses their intelligence to lord over others.  They think most people are simpletons who don’t have anything interesting going on in their lives, except, of course, other academics and scholars whom the cerebral narcissist is insanely jealous of.

2 – Create numerous dating profiles

Not all narcissists cheat, but most of them do.  The ones who don’t tend to be of the “cerebral” ilk and simply do not enjoy having intimate relations with other people. 

But if the narcissist you know is attractive, extroverted, and likes being the center of attention, it is very likely they are doing things you would be horrified to learn about. 

To the narcissist, seducing people is another tool for manipulation, control, exploitation, and destroying the self-esteem of their partner(s).  In most cases, there’s serial cheating, withholding affection, degrading requests, verbal assaults, and addiction to off-color websites. 

Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, they’re so skilled in the bedroom that their partners often stay in the abusive relationship because they’ve never had it so good, which creates a twisted dynamic leading to self-loathing, guilt, and shame.

At any rate, narcissists have a track record of being serial cheaters.  This explains why they generally have their cell phones on lockdown, leave the room when certain calls come in, and are oddly obsessed with a text exchange as you’re sitting down to dinner during your anniversary.

If you’ve caught them doing this, don’t be fooled by their seeming attempt to earn back your trust.  It doesn’t matter if they let you go through their phone if they’ve secured a secret line behind your back. 

If it feels weird, you’re probably onto something.  Don’t ignore your gut on this one.

3 – Try to get in touch with their exes on social media

Imagine this scenario.  You’re sitting at your work desk and decide to call your partner (whom you suspect is a narcissist) to check in and get a feel for how things are going.  They seem fairly friendly and the two of you make plans for dinner and a movie that night.  You hang up feeling relieved and begin to think your recent arguments were probably just normal relationship issues.  You feel slightly elated thinking about how the evening will unfold.

The narcissist, however, hangs up and goes back to liking their ex’s Facebook and Instagram photos.  The two of you have been arguing a lot lately (due to their relationship crimes), so they have to line up another source or two of narcissistic supply to have as a backup for when you finally come to your senses and give them the much-needed boot.

Moral of the story?  Never trust that the narcissist will be a decent person.  Ever. 

4 – Visit websites of very dubious merit

Since the media powers-that-be are now filtering and blocking certain terms and phrases, I am unable to express the exact terminology I’d like to use here, but, suffice it to say that many narcissists, when alone, spend hours on various websites of very dubious merit. 

Sites that would break your heart and devastate you for weeks on end if you’re in a romantic relationship with them.

If you have discovered your narcissistic partner has been visiting such sites, you can bet with 99% certainty that he or she also has online dating profiles and is probably hooking up with other people behind your back.  At the very least, they are likely engaging in things via the internet with people they’ve met online that would make you feel unwell.

5 – Try to turn your family and friends against you

Contrary to popular belief, the narcissist’s smear campaign doesn’t begin just after your breakup.  In many cases, it’s been alive and well for some time.  You just weren’t aware of it.

The reason everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you or, at the very least, looks at you with a raised eyebrow, is that the narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended.  The two main reasons for this are:

  1. All relationships are doomed in the narcissist’s mind, and they want to get a running start on assassinating your character.
  2. They assume you will vent to people in your shared social circle and want to ensure they cut you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the courage to start talking about your experiences.

These actions are to preserve the false image they’ve portrayed all along.  Unfortunately, they’re often very successful at doing this.  If your friends or family have suddenly started pulling back or questioning your judgement, the narcissist has likely planted the seeds of doubt in their minds.  If they openly side with the narcissist when you begin sharing your relationship struggles, it’s time to start whittling down your inner circle. 

6 – Plant spyware on your devices or install hidden cameras in your shared residence

This can happen a few different ways.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, don’t assume they aren’t smart enough to track you using your devices.  I’ve seen this assumption come crashing down around people’s ankles more times than I’d like to admit.

One common method that abusers use to legally track you is by using the geolocation services built into all smartphones; if you know, or can guess, the password to someone’s cloud account, you can follow their movements via the software designed to find lost or stolen phones that comes installed on many devices.   Many times, the abuser sets up a cloud account for the person they want to track, giving them full access to their target’s location at any moment. 

If you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist, don’t accept a phone from them that they’ve set up for you using their cellular account.  If you do, you can assume they’ve set it up to track you.

Another way abusers can keep tabs on you is by installing spyware on your electronic devices.  Some of these spyware can be installed remotely.  It’s somewhat more difficult to install spyware this way than it used to be, but it still happens. 

Most spyware is designed to track not only your location but also monitor your calls, voicemails, texts, and emails – and even watch you using the camera on your device.

7 – Sabotage your finances

I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve worked with in my coaching practice who’ve been financially devastated because they gave in to the narcissist’s seemingly genuine requests to give them a loan, start a business together, open joint accounts, or buy a house or vacation home together. 

They may have loaned you money or paid for a big-ticket item at some point to make you believe they are generous, but it was only to instill in you a sense of obligation in preparation for the debilitating shaft you’d get from them later.

Another scheme that falls into this category is the narcissist asking for your support while they are unemployed. These schemes are all designed to “break the seal” in the area of financial matters so they can take shocking liberties later, such as:

  • Getting loans in your name
  • Taking out a second mortgage on your home without your knowledge
  • Not paying IRS taxes, resulting in your possible confinement in jail
  • Expecting you to pay for everything while they save their own money for themselves
  • Forcing you to get all the utilities and insurances in your name so you’ll have to pay for them all

…and so on and so forth.

If you’ve been having problems in your relationship and believe your partner is a narcissist, it would be in your best interest to avoid mingling your finances in any way.  If you already have, start a secret account and begin adding money to it whenever you can.  Have your statements delivered to a family member’s address. 

Prevent narcissistic financial abuse early by stashing away money when you can and refusing to put your name on any legal documents with them.

8 – Spy on you

We already covered spyware and tracking apps that narcissistic abusers can use to keep tabs on your whereabouts in #6.

However, many narcissists will literally stalk you so they can see what you do when they’re not with you.

While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual toward another person through the carrying out of behaviors intended to frighten, distress the victim, and/or instill a sense of guilt and hopelessness in the victim (which often leads to learned helplessness).  Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and usually include following the victim (in person) and monitoring them.

According to Lamber Royakkers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):

“Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have a current relationship or a recent one. Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).”

Disruptions in daily life that are necessary to escape a stalker can include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers.   Many targets of stalking have had to move to another country and basically go into hiding.

Many of my coaching clients have been stalked by their narcissistic partners.  Stalking behaviors carried out by narcissists can include:

  • Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
  • Frequent, unwanted deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
  • Constantly driving by your home
  • Showing up at your place of employment or favorite hangout
  • Spreading rumors or publishing personal information about you on social media
  • Cyberstalking
  • Using social media to follow and friend your social media followers and friends in order to keep an eye on you
  • Installing spyware on your computer or cell phone
  • Finding out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
  • Using technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
  • Threatening to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets

Stalking is often mistaken as hoovering in that once a source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the narcissist refuses to give up their power by forcing themselves into the victim’s world through harassing, following, and monitoring.

Stalking is a common behavior of narcissists when a source of supply tries to initiate No Contact.  When stalking begins, the victim typically has a clearer picture of what kind of person the narcissist is…which is why they want to go No Contact in the first place.

If you believe you are being stalked, you should avoid downplaying the issue as it will only get worse over time.  You may have to take protective measures to secure your sense of peace, privacy, and security.

9 – Flirt with your best friend (or even your adult children)

When it comes to narcissistic cheaters, no one is off-limits.  In fact, narcissists often derive a twisted sense of accomplishment if they can get your loved one interested in them, like your best friend or adult child.

So, imagine you’re at work and it’s the narcissist’s day off.  You think everything is relatively calm and feel a spark of emotional safety.  Then, you get a call from your best friend and they give you the very unsettling news that the narcissist has made a pass at them.

If you’re best friend is truly loyal, they will tell you about this the moment it happens.

But in some cases, the flirting continues while remaining a secret.  Maybe your friend has experienced a string of failed relationships.  Or they’ve recently gone through a difficult divorce.  Vulnerability makes a person a prime target in the narcissist’s mind and this may well include your best friend. 

My best advice?  Never trust the narcissist alone with your friends or family members.

10 – Plan secret rendezvous with their side-supply

Speaking in very general terms, when a narcissist has an out-of-town trip planned, whether for work or for their third cousin’s wedding, there is a strong likelihood that they will meet their side supply there or even take him or her with them.

Narcissists are creatures of economy and rarely pass up an opportunity to groom supply.  In fact, the narcissist could well be dubbed The Constant Gardner because they are perpetually trolling for and grooming new targets, even though they always have a main source of narcissistic supply.  Furthermore, they are continuously ending relationships for various reasons, especially with those who require a lot of “maintenance” (i.e. normal human interactions) or have stopped giving them money or other fringe benefits.  Therefore, they must fill in the gaps left by those they’ve discarded by securing new supply sources.

Those work trips the narcissist always goes on?  They could very well be genuine, but don’t be surprised when the new supply calls you, asking who you are and what you’re doing calling the narcissist!

11 – Hoover old sources of supply (a.k.a., their exes)

Narcissists typically don’t let go of their exes completely (unless their exes completely let go of them).  They’ve been known to contact old flames out of the blue, sometimes as long as ten years post-breakup!

Not all narcissists do this, but most do.  When a person has passed the litmus test for being “good supply”, narcissists literally can’t help themselves and will often reach out in an attempt to resurrect old relationships (albeit, one-sided ones).

This explains why you may have noticed how the narcissist in your life likes to remain “friends” with their exes or wants you to be friends after your relationship has ended. 

It gives them an ‘in’ if they ever need to cycle back around.

12 – Pave the way for their next relationship

You’ve probably read a hundred times how narcissists leave relationships and then swan dive right into a new one. 

Maybe this happened in the aftermath of your own relationship with a narcissist.

The main reason this happens is that narcissists don’t bond with people.  Not romantically, not traumatically (at least, not for them), nor matrimonially.  We form these bonds with narcissists, but they are not able to form emotional bonds with us due to their true lack of empathy and inability to attach to others. 

Another reason narcissists are able to form relationships so quickly is that any many cases, the relationship isn’t so new.  If you’ll remember from earlier, narcissists are always combing for fresh sources of narcissistic supply.  Because of this, most narcissists are perpetually in various stages of relationship with other people, from the shiny, newbie supply to those who are enduring varying levels of the narcissistic abuse cycle. 

Therefore, when they showcase the new supply on their social media accounts, it’s usually not someone they’ve just met, though narcissists are often very skilled in making it appear so.

13 – Emotional abuse of partners and spouses

If you’ve ended a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you probably saw them out and about, loving up on the new partner and seemingly having the best time of their life.  You see them flashing an engagement ring on social media and sending out ‘save the date’ notifications, broadcasting how silly in love they are and giggling about how they feel like a couple of teenagers.

Your first reaction might be to (stunningly) wonder what this new person has that you don’t.  Just maybe, the narcissist had been right about you all along.  Perhaps you really ARE the reason your relationship with them didn’t work out.

Then, you feel completely disabled by the seeming about-face the narcissist has made with the new supply, sending you into a depression so deep you can barely get through the day.

This is just another phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle and applies to you the same as it does to everyone else.  The narcissist you know is no different from the others.  As personal and unique as it all may feel, it’s just another blueprint of narcissistic manipulation.

When you see this happening, it’s crucial not to take it personally.  This is one of the narcissist’s favorite times, when they are love-bombing new supply while simultaneously making you feel like discarded trash.  The narcissist can’t help but gloat over how they’re able to make you feel emotionally destroyed, left to pick up the pieces while they’re off living their life as though your history together means nothing.

What you’re not thinking about is how the new supply will be subject to the same emotional abuse that you’ve endured.  There are no exceptions to this.  Don’t listen to the new trend of so-called professional advice which states that narcissists are only abusive towards YOU because your personality is incompatible with theirs, which is on my list of ‘Stupid Sh*t Therapists Say’. 

Narcissists are abusive towards everyone.  Regardless of status, ethnicity, intelligence, religious beliefs, or how tiny their waist is.  The new supply simply won’t be spared, unfortunately.

Healing From the Trauma of Narcissistic Abuse

It’s absolutely crucial to come to terms with the unsettling things narcissists do when they think no one is looking so you can make educated decisions for your future and your well-being.

Don’t let yourself fall into a false sense of security because the narcissist knows what to say to soften your defenses and make you doubt your judgement.  Pay attention to patterns because patterns don’t lie. 

With the right support, you’ll be shocked at how amazing it feels when you can flourish on the other side of abuse and heal your life in ways you never thought possible.

Please know this about healing from narcissistic abuse…

It’s never too late to reclaim your life – to find yourself on the path towards your soul’s true healings and cravings.

You have it in your power to survive tough times – and come out stronger, better, wiser.

I know this personally.  It can be your story, too.

Is Your Relationship or Marriage Worth Saving?

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  1. Is your relationship emotionally dangerous?
  2. ✅Why narcissistic abuse is so damaging.
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Leave a Comment:

Varsha says April 22, 2024

You nailed it. So so so true everything

Varsha says April 22, 2024

You have nailed it. They do everything whatever you mentioned here.

Fleur says April 8, 2024

Thank you Kim great articles,

Olivia you’re Mum is underhandedly going to “repeat” any conversation with you so she can use/twist you’re words an start an argument/conflict by proxy, “Yes and Olivia agrees with me” without you’re knowledge and you’re reputation will be damaged not hers.

C says November 2, 2023

Your articles have been my life saver. Thank you!

Anonymous says September 16, 2023

Thank you. I already knew most of this. But It is good to hear it from someone else. Like you say, constantly questioning your own judgement.

David says September 10, 2023

would like to get a hard copy of the section of the “Flirt with your Best Friend”, its happening to me and would like him to read this, He has dropped me. P.O. Box 1057, Florence, Or 97439

NiomeHollow says August 10, 2023

I have a narcissistic mother. She has been stalking me for mostly 26 years the extent of my life basically. It started when I was a child and she was having to deal with joint custody. She would regularly hold me captive or take me out of school without permission causing her joint custody to become less and less finally she decided she was going to find herself in another province ultimately abandoning me so she lost custody and when she returned she continued the process of stalking and harassing causing us to move every 6 months to a year. When I was about 10 years old this had settled down some and I moved in with my grandmother I also had moved in with my father within the next 2 years and within that time I was moved out into a foster home my mother had locate me then and convinced me to move in with her turning herself into the victim of the story making my father the villain which wasn’t hard because I was already upset with him allowing seven people to beat on me for 2 years straight and doing nothing about it. I lived with my mother for 7 years in total and during that time she would beg me to honolive her or try to convince me to join her suicide pact or should act in childish ways continuously crossing my boundaries and then getting upset with me when I would get upset with her for disrespecting what I had already told her multiple times to stop doing. Before I moved in she had told her partner that I was in bed child she didn’t know me then but she had already decided what I was. Every time she found me alone she accused me of stealing weed or smoking or drinking all things I wouldn’t do because I was beaten into submission before moving in with her. She often accused me of stealing her medication for depression which she was using for weight loss. Before going into her doctor she would script what she would say and how she would say it so it would come off properly. At one point my mother found my notes stating that I’m planning on moving out when I turn 19 and she began my house arrest. I was not to go to school without being driven in it was two blocks away I was not to attend work without being driven in and driven back it was also two blocks away if I stood outside I would see them (her and her mother) circling the buildings I was in to ensure I couldn’t escape. My mother’s favorite saying at the time was ” you have to be lucky every time I only have to be lucky once” when I did move out she instantly followed me to where I was we had to get police involved please set her mother into the vehicle because her mother was into the female police officers face (wouldn’t have happened if he was a male well… Idk) for the last 10 years she is continued to stalk and harass me. I cannot go outside without fear of her locating and chasing me. She is interrupted my work environments risking my job. She likes to chase me up and down streets trying to force me to communicate with her because I’ve blocked her via text via social medias on every platform. I have tried to get a peace Bond against her and I’ve tried to get a restraining order against her. The courts have bounced me back three or four times telling me that I can’t get a restraining order because I need to have a sexual relationship with the woman in order to qualify. I can’t get a peace Bond because I need her exact address. A lawyer had told me to use the last known address and the police will do their due diligence. I don’t trust the police at this point. The agent working on my case makes me feel like he doesn’t view my situation as pressing. First he asked me why my boyfriend doesn’t defend me when my mother attacks me. Common sense says that if a male puts his hands near a female he gets arrested. Considering if you spit in the direction of a person here you get arrested I really prefer not to risk having the only person near me not able to be present anymore. The agent also tells me not to be afraid of being kidnapped. It’s illegal to kidnap people in canada. In spite of the fact that she has a known record of kidnapping people specifically me. A crisis worker was on the phone with me once while I was talking with the agent and she agreed that he was talking really down to me. The last time my mother attacked me in public and had me running up and down the streets because I couldn’t let her know where I was living it took the police three days to get here because they didn’t view her as a threat. I’m feeling very cornered and boxed in and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I’m looking for advice. My boss had said that I should be able to talk to a lawyer and a lawyer should be able to get her in for mental evaluation because she has a long and outstanding track record of this. But I don’t even know what the name of that would be and I don’t want to go to a lawyer asking about something I don’t know about only for them to tell me once again that no there’s really nothing you can do about your mother you’re just going to have to let her continue to stop and harass you. That’s pretty much what I’ve been told at this point

M says February 28, 2023

Some of this hits home, both in a past relationship and in my marriage now. The social media behavior is definitely what tipped me off last year that things weren’t right (that, and some other “eye openers” as I call them).

He stopped wanting to take photos with me, and in 2016 he told me to not post anything at all on my own social media anymore.
I’m not really into social media anyway, so I respected his wish. I figured he wanted to keep a low profile because of his job.
But when I realized that this isn’t about “privacy”…more about secrecy and hiding things, that is when I decided to find out what he is up to.

So yes, I did try to check up on his online activities and I won’t apologize for that. If a person lies and cheats, there is no more “privacy”.
He had all the privacy and freedom a husband could want (and more!)…yet he still chose to dishonor me and the vows we took.
It wasn’t stalking on my part. It was protecting myself by learning information that he chose to withhold from me.
As a wife, I have a right to know if I’m being lied to and what has been happening for the 15 years we’ve been together.

What I found was multiple nude pictures of other women, emails where he told his male friends about visiting escorts, borderline inappropriate texts between him and females at his job, secret email accounts, evidence that he was deleting texts, that he had visited cam sites with interactive features, etc.
So after that…I can’t trust him anymore. He wants to live this bachelor type of life where he is free to do what he wants and his family/friends encourage this behavior.

What’s sad is that I was very young when I met him. I was coming out of an abusive relationship at the time, and I had also grown up in an abusive environment.
He seemed so perfect. He treated me in a way that no one ever had before. He wanted to make me his wife.
He talked about what a wonderful future we’d have, our potential children and that they would have a great life, that we would have a nice family together.
Which he KNEW was my dream because my own upbringing was pretty sad for the most part.
So he knew what to say and how to weave this web of the “perfect” future as a married couple.
It was all a fucking lie. He never wanted kids at all! He never wanted a family.

I now also believe that he cheated on his ex-fiance with other women (and has done the same to me) and he made her out to be a terrible person.
Which I believed at the time, but now I don’t think that was true. I think that like me, she wanted a family with him and a normal relationship, and he felt “trapped” by the thought of real commitment.
Because players wanna play, right? And things like fidelity, being in it for the long haul with a wife and kids and keeping things above board…none of that suits what a serial cheater or narcissist has in mind.
It cramps their style. New supply is always out there just waiting.

Because of the experiences I’ve had in my life, I don’t know who to trust. I feel like people are simply out to use and abuse me.
No one seems to be the real deal.

    Mario says September 22, 2023

    I never felt like I needed to be in a relationship. I socialize frequently with my siblings( they don’t have kids) and work friends. I enjoy kayaking, hiking, pottery, history, cooking and reading.. I have a demanding job and I need, enjoy and appreciate my alone time. Where this is leading is that I’m not trusting anyone, because I guess I haven’t invested in a relationship, but I’m more than content and satisfied with my life. I’ suppose Im selfish, or I have not met anyone I would change my life for, such as it is. I like being financially, emotionally and socially independent.

John says December 20, 2022

Once again:

Other than that ☝️, lovely people.

Anonymous says November 24, 2022

Believe me I know exactly how you feel!! I go thru these feelings every day feeling like this was all fake from the beginning… I get it all go well.

Katie Norton-Mcmurray says October 18, 2022

I hate this feeling, I had it for so long but I never imagined everything. She accused me of everything she was doing all along! She faked a whole personality, it’s the cruelest most damaging thing a person has ever done too, and she planned it all! Everyone in her life was a narcissist stalker according to her, its all her!! its such a mind F to think there this brave victim trying so hard and wants love like you do, but they don’t want love. They go through all the motions but something is always missing and we feel it but can’t understand just how deep it goes. They are souless liars with no remorse, they like your suffering for power and control they can’t feel.. They need to traumatize people and grow by using them to act out their own emotional abuse most likely.. pass it on I guess.. I know mine tried to pass on everything ever her life long issues.. it was me all of a sudden.. I feel so used and stupid for still being so hurt but they know just when to strike to do the most damage and how to pull your strings to cause the most harm they can so they can say you’re crazy if you react to their insane emotional manipulation, there’s no winning.. you were always just on borrowed time and all the promises were bs they use to appeal to the deepest parts of you before they try to destroy them.. blah I hate this

Craig says June 24, 2022

This is exactly to the t. Of what been going on in my life and I didn’t know this is what she was.but they are evil and yes try to get you put away and all that shit I read and now it two years past and she still doing things and I never even spoke to her again or heard from her but my life been mess yes all from destroying my family friends and every single thing mentioned in that first part of this.and yes my whole life turned upside down from very first week she went through every piece of paper in my house and every thing on daily basis since for next two in half years as she destroyed me.and yes the leaving and cheating constantly like probably at least twenty times a month and all the fake arguments she would start and use to threaten and try to get me in trouble and thier so much still happening and everything hacked bieng followed by people and just everything you said in that intro. My god they need to be put away for life and have no means to be around people period or ever cause there just a danger to society itself and there just straight up criminals that need to be locked up cause hurt everyone even to point of threatening my mom who was 83 at the time.what can be done about this cause social media has all these things against me now I’m dealing with but I knew it was because of this terrible person .and for the cost of this and ruining my health and the making me feel and bieng stalked and this is just exactly what going on and I want her be held accountable and go away for it.and needs to be for rest of her life because she has just hurt to many and don’t stop.

Kim says June 17, 2022

Please put a disclaimer that just because someone had some of these characteristics, it doesn’t make them a narcissist. Diagnosing people takes a degree and an in person encounter. Too many arm chair psychiatrists out there! Too many girls looking for drama.

    Kim Saeed says June 30, 2022

    I won’t encourage people to stay in unhappy or abusive situations, regardless of why someone is abusive. Describing behaviors as narcissistic is not diagnosing someone as a narcissist, just as describing depressive behaviors doesn’t diagnose someone with depression.

    Aside from that, most people who have NPD will never be diagnosed, even when they do agree to counseling or therapy (which is usually just more faking and gaslighting, and many go to therapy owing to a court order forcing them to go). I’ve had numerous coaching clients who had horrific experiences with so-called qualified therapists. Therapists who sided with their narcissistic clients and failed to diagnose them with NPD or anything else…all while further traumatizing their clients who truly needed help and relief from abuse.

    So no, I won’t put such disclaimers on my site aside from the ones that are already present.

John says May 26, 2022

Give them a taste of their own mistreatments, and reinforce your boundaries! Mine has not only, left me alone, but has taken out a No Contact Order, on me. Ironic? Yes, I believe that to be TRUE! ??

    Katie Norton-Mcmurray says October 18, 2022

    lol John omg all the same its insane.. I can’t even explain it all to people who haven’t been through it

Karen says May 8, 2022

I can be an empath but I think I am average middle of the road ! I can have sympathy but I can also stand up for myself. This was the later and the most part was empathic to the narc with her sob stories until they became frankly nasty. Where has this left me and my family ghosted because in the end we had enough saw through her. I love him or son but at times frankly got sick of the attitude towards me and my family. I thought that he cared but his attitude frankly got worse and his partner used that relationship what was once so loving go wrong prompt by her. I think sadly the pair of them thought they could keep on treating us all like mud until we all turned had enough. This shocked both of them , the narc side of sons partner went completely over the top response and sadly took our son with her and grandson. Yes this is sadly what they do when you have had enough of their behavior. I cried so much because we have now lost our son. Hate would be easy but thankfully I do not have that emotion and I am so grateful I still love my son and his partner will never take that away from any of us and one day he may come back to us.

Sick and Tired says March 27, 2022

Are there any articles on what they do to their BF or GF family. I read this article and seeing a lot what she does to my son and my Granddaughter and it’s scary. I have an appointment with an attorney to have her removed from my home. She’s driving my son in to the ground financially, Emotionally. I’ve witnessed sneak attacks by her when my son had his back turned. I’ve had enough. Eviction is coming.

Cherie says March 25, 2022

SPOT ON! Lived this for 28 years of marriage. I didn’t even know what a Narc was. Read something on FB and a huge alarm went off. Be careful when leaving a narc. I did it all wrong I did not know enough. Thankfully he latched onto someone else moved in with her before we even really separated. Thank god he did because I didn’t have to deal with near as much. I got some breathing and thinking room. Every single thing you list was my life. Sad to look back and see how much I put up with and. Always thought I was doing something wrong. He literally had me thinking every problem we had was a result of me being to bitchy. Me asking to many questions me hiding money etc.
please run as fast as you can if you find yourself in this situation. It never gets better and it will get worse. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and I’m still fighting battles he created and left me with. DO NOT sign joint tax returns. File your own you will be responsible. I am still fighting 100K tax bill my ex did not pay from his business taxes. I have a tax lien on my house. A Narc will ruin you from the inside out and make you believe you it’s your fault. I could go n and on and on. Still have PTSD from it. Wonder f that will ever go away.

Joyce bruhn says October 14, 2021

I was in a narcissistic relationship I married him it was ok at first because I never seen him and loved his family then he stopped traveling I was almost killed then I met some great guys. But seen through the similar narcissism quick but sadly I fell in love … with a great lover kind soul my heart was broken when he became a different form of all the same narcissists so now what I appear to not know how to get or deal with my picking of good people so here I say time to heal myself and understand I am smart intelligent successful but just can’t navigate to understand why I pick who I pick

Confused & Mostly Hopeless says August 30, 2021

I don’t know what to believe, I know or pretty sure he’s the one hacking me! I’m pretty sure he has posted horrible things about me and violated my rights and privacy! I know most of things you list are exactly happening but he probably thinks I’m one narcissist too! While I have lied it’s only been about one thing and I would never cheat on him because I truly love him! I don’t think that’s reciprocated though! Who knows this site is probably a FU to me especially since all my info is being sent internationally! I know his brother hates me and I’m sure he does to! The sad part is the psychological torment because everything online is ex this and that and we are supposedly together! He loves me he says although nothing but him helping me financially feels like that’s true! I know I’m messed up but when you really love someone and you really thought it was special and your a faithful forever kind of person but they aren’t, that is messed up! I don’t understand why someone can’t just say the truth! I know that’s being a hypocrite but they already know because their recording you and took your privacy! They deserve there’s, well I guess the end is…..

    John says May 26, 2022

    I highly doubt, that you’re a Narc. We become conditioned to these behavior’s, & if you’ve any self-esteem @ all, you will project these same behavior’s. Perfectly normal. The fact that you’re aware, tells me UR not a Narc. ?️?

Anonymous says July 10, 2021

My mom flirts with my husband and shows off her body and i cant do anything about it

Autumn R Warm says May 17, 2021

met my narc and friends 6 years ago , i fell in love, then the discarding phase started so fast to where, my friends are not my friends, i do not trust anyone, not even my family. i have verbally, physically, stole, bashed his family and critsized him. He stared and loved hurting me verbally with kind words with a sick look on his face. He has told on himself but i do believe eveything i look up online is what he becomes while his goons do the dirty work while he sneaks and trolls children or plots getting my child, waiting for his moms death, or something rediculous. sometimes i feel its suttle attacks , but its playing out so fast or i would really be done at this point. I am feeling the lesson of being a better mom, sober, non assuming person when i know the worstis yet to come. This person using everything and knew everything plus the shit i have talked. now wtf is coming? I know its not love, Its not a test, but which fucking way do i go because him being dead is a very good feeling for me at this point. I want to do damage to all of that are playing but they have me out numbered now. do i call police that wont believe me, or fight back, or walk to have my child gone or my family? I am getting to the point where enough is enough!!!!!!! do things different, dont, stay, or go…he has me spinning into my death of drinking again. i dont care about him, i hate him, and the people who i care for i dont know are even here for me. lost, pist, waiting to attack is go mode approaches when i have been out smarted because he cheats at his games and i am out numbered. he plays a fool while texting right after a friend. what kind of narc is this? which one should i be calling cops on first or none? its a movie and i feel i make the last call. He said things about my daughter and i found out she has been chatting with men she is 11, he has shown all narcs personalities to mother child sex, to the father, to making me believe or his dad is a narc. ii believe he is good but bad, but maybe a sick pediphile or not.all i know is he know and keeps going thats why i know its nothing good in his so called playing dumb lessons as some brainless teacher. He has family in tech, like a cult, he has smarts to being plain out dumb but devil like. i believe its a blinder to the real deal. ive been told to take him out, but i want him in a box jail cell where he belongs. no way this is love, care, eye opening , self reflection! This is a game that was planned by this person or one of the others that has nothing else going on!!! funny how its me and only me in this fucking game with these players but i am creating it but know it only keeps getting more fucking annoying as i waste spending focus on protections twards positive and negatives in my life. i have things to put most in jail, i think i might start stepping away from the things i am creating.

Carol says March 24, 2021

Well the narc is at it again opened up a new Instagram account and put a big bunch of flowers on the front page. First mothers day I receive nothing they have cut me off along with my grandchild son bought me flowers last year! All this when our son has also been told by his sister she is due for a life saving op. No doubt narc is wanting all the attention and sticking the knife in. Gee these people just don’t change do they. She sets up accounts after accounts just to annoy people and get attention then sets them back to zero or closes them. I never learn sadly I look sometimes to see how our son and grandchild is getting on. It just doesn’t work that way the minx knows full well what she is doing . Sick in the head never a photo of the child ever just what wants us to see. I need to stop and leave this alone for my own sanity.

Nope says March 6, 2021

I’m a narcissist,I learned I was one when I dated one. We were so glorious in bed and so fucking devious outside of it.. It was crazy. I’ve done all the things to listed except trying to ruin people. I feel bad for the way I am but I just can’t stop it..

I’m older now and I try to stop being this way but it’s near impossible. I crave the insane, normalcy is a bullet in the brain.

I try and be good and I feel nothing.. Nothing at all..


Jacquie Boland says February 24, 2021

I am waiting on the ruling of my divorce that I filed 9/1/2016, after tolerating 30 years of of the narc abuse and then some, yet he currently has the courts eating from his hands. Its actually repulsive and the Male lawyer I had was a absolute waste of over $ 20,000.00. I was never given a chance for rebuttal and have so much evidence to prove the lies. My question for you, if possible, is do you know of a good attorney that has experience with Waste claims, or Intentional Tort? After being a high paid builder in Big Sky Montana, including Bill Gates home in the Yellowstone Club, he said we were broke and had to place our home in foreclosure. Also we had two-twenty acre parcels that we lost as well and I only now know that this was all false. I need better legal help than what I had, with real experience in gas-lighting and deceit.

Brandie Arp says February 11, 2021

Everything in this article is exactly what my now ex did. It was like I was reading my story. Makes me sick to think I could be that stupid.

Amanda Nuckles says February 6, 2021

This made me sick to my stomach. Each and every one of these is what I am experiencing. I we are both in our early 40’s, both married and divorced twice, and had substance abuse issues. We are going on our 3rd year. I have been trying to leave for the past 6+ months. I am empathic and am about to lose my mind. I have buried my mother age 54 and my son age 10 months and I didnt think anything else could shake me but I was wrong. My heart is so bruised and I dont know how to get out and stay out. Thank you for being so raw and being here for us.

Anonymous says January 25, 2021

I wish I could afford this program. He controls everything he has all the power , i often pray that I die, i can’t go on with all of this but I love him like no other and don’t want anyone else. I wish you all the best.

Elaine Duncan says January 2, 2021

My ex friend and neighbour is a total narc, she has tried to lose me my job, house, get me arrested for fraud, lose me my friends, has accused her ex husband of rape, assault and stalking. All the time its her causing all the problems by lying. They are seriously unstable people

Vera says December 30, 2020

I read as many articles about abuse and how to recover from it but for me it’s not over even though we’ve been apart for two years and divorced for one. Why? He has not missed one day or night of abusing me from wherever he is. He hacks me relentlessly, stalks me, goes where I go, inhabits the neighborhood I moved to. How can I start the healing process if the abuse continues? Do I need help? Yes. Definitely but it would be like treating a cancer patient while letting the tumors grow! The source is still there and while he is I continue to spiral downwards. It’s depressing, frightening and all consuming.

Pasha says December 22, 2020

Spot on! Don’t fall for the subterfuges and diversionary narratives…

Donald Frear says December 22, 2020

So many of these points have hit home with me. I have reclaimed my life. Been separated for six months. I do know that she still has connections with my best friend, son in law, and other friends. I do not accept any connection with her, what so ever. I’m finally a free man. Many, many thanks to you. For showing me the way, and opening my eyes. Don

JULIA KANTECKI says December 21, 2020

You perfectly described the reality of the last few agonizing weeks pre-discard – you lived my experience to a tee. Thank you for all you do to educate everyone about this devastating and destructive phenomenon. I never knew such evil, deviant characters existed. And btw… I went through everything on the financial exploitation list too.

Tess says November 25, 2020

Hi Kim, this is one of the best descriptions of a narcissist I have ever read. Thank you

Barbe Brinson says November 20, 2020

i am with a man who fits all the profile of a Narcissisist. i could use some help

Tim Butler says November 4, 2020

I am in the middle of going through it all…I just learned that my wife of 2 years is a narcissist.. everything that I thought was real has all been fake and lies and I’m pretty positive she is and has been cheating on me for quite sometime…I just don’t know what to do …I don’t understand how or why or….sorry I’m just…GOD Bless and have a good day…thank you all for the information that was giving! I’m trying to learn and figure all this out and you all have been very helpful.

Sandy Burnett says October 14, 2020

Thanks again for all this stuff I would love to share my story I have a unique or at least I’m male 60with a female malignant narc. Who happens to be bisexual but so far nothing i have read address s it can’t help anything

Randy Clark says September 20, 2020

i have been dealing with a psychotic pair of narcissistic criminañs that were once my girlfriend and her aunt. i am pretty intutive if i take an interest or care into something close to me or to deal in my life with. anyways thats a whole book on its own on how it came to light about their cyber attacks and hidden agendas on me but yes it is still happening and im sure they will see this post i leave here. they have been using messenger for kids and acting as parents or concerned friends and hacking my emails using OATH or aka verizonmedia and firmware. if anyone would like to hear more i have a plethora of things to watch for if you suspect ill intent. my names randall clark. i live in joshua texas

    Diana says October 17, 2020

    How can I find out if there is spyware on my phone?

    Christine perner says October 27, 2020

    Hi Randall Clark , I’m dealing with 2 narcs and both are involved in my biz. I’m pretty sure they are spying on me but I don’t know how to determine this for sure. Perhaps you know how to determine this? We use google for our biz email and they also control our version cell phone accounts don’t who knows how much they are spying and how. Maybe you can tell me how to figure this out. I’ve lost millions in embezzling and lost my husband to suicide all due to what’s been going on. I almost lost myself too. I really need to know how and if they are spying on me. I am going to authorities with the embezzling and other crimes…
    Thank, Christine

      Rose says March 7, 2021

      I am so sorry for your loss…..

jane says September 10, 2020

If I’m addicted to him trauma bonding how do I break it and leave him?

    Kim Saeed says September 13, 2020

    Hi Jane,

    This is covered in-depth in my recovery program. You can find more information here: This program has been vetted and approved by folks in mental health and neuropsychology. It also comes with a 30-day guarantee, so there is no risk to try to program. It’s an effective first step.

    Kim Xo

none hier says September 10, 2020

This is so needed. Such a deep series of articles.I find Kim’s articles to be truthful in ways other on this subject are not. The examples differ in some ways for me, but the underlying truth is very important for me to know. these articles helped greatly.

    Kim Saeed says September 14, 2020

    Thank you for your kind praise 🙂 It’s uplifting to know my articles help you and help you feel validated, truly.

    Kim Xo

MALVINA j Blackledge says September 5, 2020

I am now with a guy I think is also a narcissist , I am confused for 20 years , also , he has mental illness. Not even diagnosed , I am about to end it !!!

Angela J says August 12, 2020

Read the information and checked for spyware. It was there

    Kim Saeed says August 13, 2020

    I feel you, Angela. I was monitored and spied on back in the day. Wishing you all the very best.

    Kim Xo

    Diana says September 11, 2020

    How do you go about checking for spyware and hidden cameras? I’ve found audio devised twice so have that gut feeling I need to check for these others.

      Kim Saeed says September 13, 2020

      If you have everything accessible through your cloud, then that’s the first place to start.

        Diana says October 17, 2020

        I’m not sure how to do that…I was raised in the typewriter era lol…not a techie.

Pauline says July 31, 2020

This is one of the best articles I have read about narcissism

    Kim Saeed says July 31, 2020

    Thank you, Pauline. So glad to know you found it helpful 🙂


Brenda Eddy says July 24, 2020

I really struggle with not allowing what my ex says affect me! He knows the right things to say to destroy me. I need help with this!

Brooklyn peters says July 10, 2020

I have only just become aware of what happened to me and who my ex husband is.. I have thought I was nuts, going nuts the whole nine yards. I escaped a year ago after the worst sabotaging of my life and only now am learning what he is saying behind my back and the things I am being blamed for. I am utterly blown away but finally feel vindicated after feeling guilty for leaving for so long.. listen to your gut. I dont how I will recover from this ever in my life..

Clara says June 21, 2020

Another GREAT article. I forward them to others Your insights Kim are invaluable!

    Kim Saeed says June 21, 2020

    Thank you so much, Clara! 🙂


Bella says May 25, 2020

Everything I have read here has been happening to me and he tells me I am crazy. It is hard to save money when nothing is left.
I may a somewhat unique problem because we haven’t been married very long.I would rather not mention it here though until……

    Seth says May 31, 2020

    Your in for a really bad next few years. If they display all the things you read here, I feel for you.

Catherine wilson says May 25, 2020

I have been in. Relationship for ten years he he talks to me in my head constantly it’s like a spiritual bonding I am never alone and he knows my every moment and hurts me physically when he is not pleased I have pain through different parts of my body daily because he wants me to be a puppet I sought counselling and was told to go not contact how do I go non contact with a person who constantly talks in my head day and night telling me he will kill me and is forever in my mind talking to me in my subconscious telling me to submit! I am not schizophrenic regards Cath

    Brandy says December 29, 2020

    Hi Catherine,

    You said;
    “I sought counselling and was told to go not contact how do I go non contact with a person who constantly talks in my head day and night telling me he will kill me and is forever in my mind talking to me in my subconscious telling me to submit!”

    Going “no contact” simply means not answering or responding to the abusers calls or texts NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. You might need to change your phone number, or even move to another city, depending on your situation.

    I don’t understand what you mean about him being in your mind, talking to you in your subconscious. Are you thinking about what he would say to you? (like having an imaginary internal conversation) Or are you literally hearing voices?

    If you’re literally hearing voices, you might want to see a therapist to find out if you may be suffering from some sort of mental illness, which could be temporarily caused by the stress he puts you through. There is no shame in seeking help! I’m assuming that your counselor would have told you if they thought you were schizophrenic however.

    It sounds like you might just be really scared. I was when I left my ex. I thought he was going to find me and kill me. I didn’t hear voices though. But everyone experiences stress differently.

    You will need to be strong, and have NOTHING to do with your ex. No phone calls, no letters, no texts, no social media, no meeting up with him, NOTHING. Cut him off. Staying with him could be a literal death sentence for you.

    Stay safe

    Sandy says June 9, 2021

    Catherine-a lot of times the reason they seem to know everything about you, even down to your thoughts, is because they have you completely bugged. Meaning they have access to everything you type and with listening devices, everything you say. Some even put GPS tracking on your car. They play dirty and don’t care that it is illegal to do most of these things if you aren’t married to them. God bless you and good luck-

Lu Prudhomme says May 24, 2020

Thank you soooo much got this free recovery program !

Judith says May 20, 2020

This is so much realistic. I’ve experienced some of these things… Thanks so much

Andrea says May 15, 2020

Hi Kim! i was with a narsassistic psychopath for over 4 years. i found your website 1 year to finally getting out. At that point I had no friends no family…and was at an all time low. Your educational emails proved to me I wasnt crazy. I took the drastic step to leave my life and him behind in March 2020. I went no contact…new state new phone new address….thank you for your website. I truly think you saved my life.

Geraldine says May 15, 2020

Years on I still get aha moments where another piece just drops into place as to what was actually going on. Nothing is as it seems. Ewwwww, can’t believe I ever had any part in this.

Leading with Love says May 15, 2020

“Dear Kim,

I’m grateful for your boldness with the truth. In a world where empathetic people feel sorry for unsafe charming narcissists, your words fill the rest of us wounded Empaths with hope.

My friend completed a meta study on narcissists and the facts aligns so well with your articles and advice.

The safe must only help other safe people until there is a cure for people with narcissism and psychopathic tendencies.

You can look into the study at AVA: anti- violence alliance and Angelyne’s Voice, which is the story of a young girl “awarded” to her narcissistic father in court. Truly terrifying that this happens.

Blessings to everyone.

With Latitude, Gratitude, Light and Love.”

Gigi says May 14, 2020

You must know my ex husband. This is him right down to currently hoovering me. The financial abuse is on point. He was forging my name on checks, I now owe $94k to IRS

RoseMarie says May 14, 2020

Hi. I liked this latest video. Thanks . I am still healing .but stand my ground .went No Contact. I am learning more about how to tell what has been going on in my past relationship with the narc. I call him the Repeat Offender.

Monika says May 4, 2020

My recent ex-narc is not hoovering me during the Covid-19 crisis. Nothing. My ex-narc is 73 and looks 83, impotent, has almost no teeth, no money, alcoholic, porn addict, in foreclosure, going bankrupt once again, lives in a broken-down house, etc. He’s not going to get his hands on an teenage boob ever again. As far as these activities you list here, the only one he was, and is doing, is via the Internet, where he gets tons of virtual supply: naked chat rooms, online dating sites, young girls, and now the latest obsession, the last time we spoke: chat rooms of transsexuals (men who have become “women”) who f…k their fathers! These “women” are in their 20’s and 30s and share photos, videos, and graphic texts. He sent me some photos. He told me he wanted to f…k them, in a screaming, super enthusiastic, lustful manner. But he cannot do it, he said, as they live in other states. But who could he really get anyway? The last time we spoke, I asked him to not watch porn while speaking to me on the phone. I told him I wanted him to respect me. He laughed. The next night, he phoned and just blurted out, “I don’t wanna!” and hung up and that was the last I heard of him, fortunately.

Marti says May 2, 2020

This is by far the best article u have ever read, I was married 13 years total of 20 years with my now ex. All of these things describe him to a t. I did not realize he was a narc , never even hear the term until recently I went to therapist for a year never scratched the surface. I luv how you are very matter of fact and direct about narc behaviors so many others sugarcoat ugh! I am so glad you are helping so many people overcome as I often thought about starting a group to help people if nothing more than to help them understand they are not crazy ! Ya crazy pretty much sums up 20 years of my life , I went back more times than I care to admit finally went no contact and having to threaten his “new / old supply “ with all the emails and texts and stalking he was doing to me . So far so good but still find myself seeking understanding and healing , thank you so much !

    Kim Saeed says May 7, 2020

    I’m so glad to know my article resonated with you, Marti! Thank you for letting me know and for sharing your experience.


Danielle Hoyt says April 10, 2020

I was in a relationship for a little over 2 years with a Narcissist. I have two teenagers from a previous relationship. It was always about me and him ( my ex). He would criticize me and my kids , and never would want to hangout with us. Everything had to be about me and him. He would accuse me of cheating, and talking to other men. Even if my family would text me or call, I would get dirty looks. I wasn’t aloud on social media at all. He paid the cable bill and internet, and he would shut down the internet to be an asshole to my kids. He ended up calling the cops on my son , because my son needed the internet to do homework. He made my son look and feel like a criminal. Only God knows what he told the cops. After that he left and moved out. I known my ex Narc since I was 16. Believed every word he said. I did everything for him that a girlfriend could do. He drained me of my emotions, and self worth. He asked me if I would work it out with him, and I said no. He doesn’t bother me. Once in awhile a text and small talk, but usually it ends up in a argument. I have been reading up about Narcissism. I just have a problem letting go and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m caught in this web and I can’t go forward. This sucks!

Anonymous says January 27, 2020

I left and got an order of protection at family court. It’s been 2 1/2 months. I saw him at family court and he bombarded me with tears and desperation. Saying he cannot live without me. He does not want to hear me say divorce. I overheard my 19 year old son on the phone with him saying “I’m doing everything you said.” My son was literally hysterical with me begging me to take him back and how I don’t see that it was me. I was the one who was miserable and starting fights with his dad. Then I heard him on the phone again saying. ” I am dad but I can’t do it every minute.” I had to promise my son that I would not file for divorce even though that is exactly what I want and need to do. I promised that I would be working on healing myself because of the severe anxiety I have been dealing with so as to see if I would feel differently about filing for divorce. He told me that I couldn’t just give up and break up our family. If I love my son’s I will give it a fair chance. 30 years. Age 21-51. Completely losing my identity, along with my ability to get a good night’s sleep etc…..Truly believing that he couldn’t possibly be willing to lose his family and be lying. Taking him back because I couldn’t bare the thought that I was the cause of his pain. I don’t know how long the hate bombing was going on but I do know that it was brutal and a got a panic attack that I thought I was going to die. My sister was my age when she died. She had cancer. She was married to a narcissist. Her first cancer. I see a therapist once a week. I think she’s amazing. I am feeling anxiety taking over my body as I am writing this. I am determined to heal, get a job, hobby and most importantly finally be the mom my son’s can be proud of. A big part of my journey, from before I left was me putting my faith in action. I began everyday with prayers and can say there is no doubt in my mind that my courage, even though I was still so scared, but God says to do it afraid and when it’s the right thing to do, God gives you the courage to do it. I know God was with me then and he wont leave me ever. I have no desire for revenge. I have handed him over to God to be forgiven and hopefully healed. Not for me but for himself because that would mean everything to my son’s. I have no desire to expose him. No matter what has happened to me I still have empathy and a conscious. Finding this site has helped me also. Thank you.

    Anonymous says May 16, 2020

    my previous comment by no means is me saying that I would ever consider taking him back. I only had to say that because I know how bad he was destroying my son telling him that it was all up to him to convince me to let him back in. I am truly continuing to pray and it is absolutely the best thing anyone can do. It lead me to this site, my therapist, the courage to leave and get him out. NO contact and do I think there is a shot that he will heal? Unfortunately it has already been proven that it will never happen. What I did mean is that even if that were the case, after suffering everything he has put me and our sons’ through, and everything that I have come to learn, I would NEVER do that again. I literally was able to check off everything that Kim has said except the cheating. Doesn’t mean he didn’t, I just didn’t catch him. All I can say is that time goes by very fast and if I could go back, the second my second son was born I would have filed police report and order of protection and divorce. Biggest regret was not protecting my sons. That is our job and responsibility. Get out now. Pray PRAY PRAY and everything will work out. You don’t see it now but you absolutely will.

Anonymous says January 21, 2020

Thank you for all your advice im slowly learn the different signs and i know now im with one nurriussts hes very good he is telling me im the nurrissuttis witch i know im not he had everything you talk about .trying to confence me im ..thank you again .loretta …

Cristina says January 6, 2020

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and how to break free.

Gabriela Mercado says December 29, 2019

Thank you very much for your advise .

ANNA JOUBERT says December 5, 2019

I am sooo grateful for signing up for your mails. It certainly helped me to make life changing decisions (step 1), which I now have to implement (step 2). It is going to be very difficult, especially this time of the year, but it certainly can’t beat what I’ve been through already. I think if you think about it in a positive manner, getting rid of the 28 year old continuous problem (that’s how long we’ve been together, of which 23 years married) – the short term trouble I’ve got to face now is certainly a lot shorter than sitting with the same problem for the next 28 years. Heck, what do I have to loose, I’ve lost so much already!

    Kim Saeed says December 5, 2019

    Sounds like you’ve made a brave and courageous decision, Anna. I absolutely agree…the pain of leaving will only last a while, but the pain of staying would last forever.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending positive vibes your way.

    Kim XoXo

Nevenka says November 26, 2019

Thank you . I have been following your presentations and intelligent advise via you book. Everything you said I lived trough. I have gone long way in my recovery. I an now going trough complicated divorce procedure however very well equipped to protect myself and even dare to say in front of the judge that my narcissist is laying, of course, supported by hard proofs. Dealing with narcissist requires strength and courage. All these important aspect you thought me. Thank you, thank you. You became my best friend!! Tonya Evans as well. I am sure I will win this time the hardest battle against my narcissist. He already lost a house, next one is the Mooney which he took but I managed to block thanks to a brilliant layer.sincerely, Nevenka

Dan says November 25, 2019

I’ve personally found almost all of this to be the case. As far as I could tell, my narcissistic ex didn’t spy on me, though. I could be wrong, of course, but I figured out or caught all of the other typical narcissist behaviors you mention. Instead, at the end, I was the one prone to snooping! I knew I was being lied to, a lot, but couldn’t figure out the truth and went digging for answers. I found a lot of them!

Anonymous says November 12, 2019

I have experienced all of this and far worse, if that’s even possible. They are simply dangerous and it took me a long time to accept and process that reality after being in a relationship of 15 years. He even killed my kitten that I got so I would something to love. I was paralysed with fear and only left the marriage when it was vital to save my life. I thought it would then be over. But a whole new era of abuse began including stalking. It’s been two and a half years and it’s still going. Police are involved but he constantly finds new ways to hurt me. I am now considering leaving the state or going to another country to get away. If I want to survive with my sanity, I have to.

Rugia says November 3, 2019

Thanks Kim, I was so surprised and shocked after reading this over and over again. I have experienced nearly all of these. The awful part is you can never tell what’s happening until you left. Another main thing is, it takes time to heal and very hard to believe that everything you had with the narcissist wasn’t real.

    Anonymous says November 6, 2019

    I feel your pain. I looked through the same experience. Unreal

Vickieyvonne wilhite says October 28, 2019


Verlynn says October 22, 2019

I am happy to be free from the narcissist in my family. It is my 25 year old son. I bought him a trailer house and paid all his bills for years. He would only work maybe 2 months out of a year. Always talked bad about me behind my back but no one ever told me because they were scared of him because he has big muscles and likes to fight and spit in people’s face. Now that he is gone I have so much more money to spend on myself. I just recently got a perm and bought a NEW winter jacket and sweater and tan uggs boots that I always wanted. I have less drama in my life. I no longer jump up to start cooking for him and his girlfriend every time they show up uninvited. It took 7 years for me to realize he is not a good person to have in my life.

Anita says October 16, 2019

The narcissist in my life is my father. Horriffic person.

Pamela J Anderson says October 14, 2019

I don’t know what you mean by websites they may be using. In the video it said you couldn’t name them because of policy. Can you please tell me via email of the said websites.
I have left my relationship w my abuser and still am trying to understand. I have been successful w no contact. I don’t respond under ANY circumstances.
Thank you

    Sam12587 says December 19, 2019

    I think she meant p o r n and possibly hookup or one nightstand type of sites.
    Knowing the sites won’t help or justify the crazy stuff that has or is happening. Also, some sites change their name and also new ones pop up. I found my ex’s online identity and it was way worse (depraved) then I imagined. Truth be told, I’d rather un-know what I found. I don’t think I’ll ever look at a guy the same again.

    Stay strong on the no contact. There is no logic with a narc, they are a staticky ball of chaos bouncing among us.

J says October 14, 2019

This is all so true it is frightening. My ex did (does) all these things. I was so stupid not to see it before, but I am glad I escaped him. He is doing the exact same thing again to his current wife. The frightening part to me, is he keeps getting better and better at it.

Donna Williams says October 14, 2019

Dear Kim, I have been reading your emails for over a year now as I recover from a 35 yr marriage to a narcissist. I have learned so much and grown so much from your articles!!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom!!! You have been a lifeline!!

Carol Clark says October 13, 2019

Oh my gosh. This is the VALIDATION I needed !!!!! Thank you !

Lola says October 11, 2019


My malignant narcissistic ex still has my dog, I’m afraid he won’t give it back. The court wouldn’t help. I don’t know what to do.

    Wrenn says November 7, 2019

    My daughter’s narcissistic ex-boyfriend kept her dog (registered pure-breed that she had before meeting him) when we heard he was out of town we stopped by his place & the dog came to us (over the fence!) She jumped into the car & we drove away. Since she was registered we had proof of ownership but rescue shelters keep records too, so usually you can find a way to prove ownership.(like photos from puppyhood & their growth etc) My best advice: patiently watch & wait for your opportunity. Do Not break & enter. But if the dog gets a chance, seeing you, it will run to you. You let them in your car & drive away. After all, it’s your dog. Best of luck! Work on healing so you don’t find another narcissist to take that one’s place. (What I’m watching my daughter live right now)

    Kaya says November 7, 2019

    Ask Animal Control Officers of a No KILL Shelter to Assist You or a Male Owner of a Good Dog Rescue.

Olivia says October 11, 2019

The narcissist in my life is my mother, I think she makes me out to be a terrible person to her family. I’ve only just realised this because as long as I can remember, she’s dropped hints and comments about how terrible her family members are. Nothing too awful, just general annoyance, sneering, dissatisfaction with them, convincing me they aren’t worth staying in contact with. I then realised she is probably doing the same about me- telling them things about me which make me sound like a loser/ heartless etc. Very devious eh?

GM says October 10, 2019

Thank you for this article.

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