Thank you so very much

I consider myself an open-minded person and I try to not judge the lifestyles of others. But to me, the whole “poly” thing (especially without agreement or consent) is just…ugh. I’m sorry if that offends anyone. But it seems like a bad idea, although there may be exceptions.

Monogamy is hot. Being loyal and respectful is hot. But I’m “old school”…so my way of seeing things may be different.
I have a more traditional view when it comes to certain issues, but that’s just me. When I (personally) am in a relationship, I respect my partner and I expect them to do the same.
This means no third parties or otherwise being brought into our relationship…period. If my partner can’t handle my feelings on that, it’s over.
I will not accept a partner who cheats or needs other women on the side. And I won’t accept anyone calling me “jealous” or “controlling” because I’m not OK with a polyamorous situation.

My husband is (outwardly) a great guy. But after 15 years together, I realized that there is another side that isn’t so nice.
Not only did he have emotional affairs with female coworkers at his job…he masturbated on a daily basis to porn for years while refusing to be intimate, he told his friends about visiting hookers, and he may have been contacting an old girlfriend behind my back.
He was also cheating via social media (pretending to be single) and lied about something major, which he still won’t admit to, and it hurts bad.

What I’ve come to realize (way too late) is that THIS is the reality of him. I couldn’t see it before because he had so many wonderful qualities compared to other guys I knew. He had the ability to compartmentalize so well. His family sees one side of him, I see another, his friends and coworkers see another.

Apparently he would turn me down for sex because he was either using his hand or hooking up with escorts or random women he met online, or (I suspect) the female coworkers were meeting his “needs”.
What hurts is that he made me feel selfish and unattractive as his wife. And I’m not unattractive OR selfish…far from it.
But he made me feel that way. He also didn’t want to have kids because that would cramp his style with all of these other women, it seems.

So yeah…I’m not into the whole poly thing or cheating in general. I think in today’s world, people are encouraged to be “cool” with behavior that really is harmful to relationships and families.
Again, that is just my old-fashioned view (feel free to disagree if you want to). But a polyamorous lifestyle isn’t for everyone…especially for those of us that cherish our partner and are not seeking thrills elsewhere.

I wanted a traditional marriage, personally. Maybe because my father’s infidelity caused my mom to divorce him.
I wanted a marriage with a faithful husband whom I could trust, children, and a normal type of life.
What I got was a spouse with a gambling problem, a compulsive need to travel constantly even when I am ill or tired, a liar, a person who gives the silent treatment, and a cheater who denies cheating.

Gosh….been with my husband almost 17 years. Suspected him of being a narcissist 3 years ago. Everything in this article is 100% true. I feel so stupid…but relieved I’m not crazy. I’ve never been able to understand his 17 years of manipulation until now.

My Instagram is my_narcissist_husband

I’ve been documenting his odd behavior for a year there. So happy to have found this article.

As usual I learned alot from your post. Also, hopefully I’ll get a response in time telling me what length I click on to watch your seminar. Do I just go to Melanietoniaevans.com at my time tommarow which as at 6:00? Or actually I think it’s the second at 6:00pm

I was in a relationship with a narc (though I didn’t know it then), he was always cheating on me and triangulating with his ex-girlfriend. We share a son, therefore, I thought it was justified to be with him. He continued cheating with other women, and although I was aware, I stayed in the relationship until I was fed up and broke things off with him. I realized he was a narcissist during the time of our breakup when I stumbled on a post and was looking for how to heal the hurt I felt. I read up on all the characteristics but he started hovering, and though I realized I was trauma bonded, I didn’t have enough strength, willpower to fight it. I ended up going back to him and accepting to be in a poly relationship with him and one of the women he cheated on me with and some of the other ones I didn’t even know. It was hell and a mess. I hated every minute I was with him, and he relished it. It was as if he was punishing me for leaving and after six months, I decided that I had had enough of the crap. I walked out and sought help for a lasting solution. I came across your coaching site, and to my joy, you have documented or written about everything I ever experienced with him. I shudder at how precise you are about their characteristics, even what they say. I experienced everything, and I am so glad I found this site.

I guess its the same story and the 2nd one I’ve posted in 5 years about someone I loved very much. I am in the process of picking myself up after my man has discarded me & gone back to the same past girlfriend for the second time. I am broken & shattered, but should have known better. I have been so blindly in love. When I first met him 11 years ago, I knew he had a brief relationship with a lady in New York (we live in Australia) but had always promised me they were only friends & there was nothing in it. Our relationship was incredible to begin with, the sex was out of this world. He was so exciting. We went on holidays & had an amazing time. But he soon began to pick on me about everything, what I was wearing, how I drove, my hairstyle, how clean my house was. Then he started getting nastier, pulling away, not answering my texts & calls. Eventually I told him I couldn’t take it anymore & broke off with him. But he kept calling me & asking me out & wanting to spend time. He didn’t like getting dumped I guess. Little did I know that in the meantime he was setting things up with his ‘ex’ and when I went to spend Christmas with my family he flew her here & she stayed at his house. He even called me Christmas Day & told me he was just surfing. Then he dumped me, gave me the full silent treatment & when he was meant to be working in Singapore was actually in the US with her. He never told me, I found out through other people, confronted him, he denied it & then eventually had to own up. I was so devastated. He told me he cared for me but it was just something he wanted to do. I got so sick and thin as I couldn’t sleep or eat. I went to psychologist who told me to look up NPD. That was 4 1/2 years ago.

About 2 years after we broke up we reconnected when his niece & nephew came over for Christmas. We had always been close & to visit them I had to go to his house. My heart fluttered to see him again. We went out for a drink, went out for dinner for my birthday & he slept over & the relationship rekindled. I had never stopped loving him & I think was desperate to win him back as I ‘perceived’ he had left me for her. He said this was not true, she was not an issue, it was something he had to get out of his system. We have been seeing each other for over 2 years now.

And then it happened. The closer I got the more he pulled away. He wouldn’t respond to my calls. He made excuses not to turn up for dinners with friends. He was getting more & more distant. I confronted him about it. He said he couldn’t commit – he wanted to travel but NOT because he wanted to sleep with other people. Our relationship broke down again. Then 3 weeks later, he had already made arrangements to go back to the US & stay with her. I cried & I begged but he just looked at me blankly with no emotion & told me it was what he wanted to do. As I sobbed he stood there ice cold & didn’t even put his arms around me, I told him I could not go through it again, he was destroying me and my self esteem & sucking all the joy out of my life. I told him that it was OVER & I would not be there waiting for him when he got back. I would not be part of his loveless love triangle. From that second he is no longer part of my life. He was not to message me or contact me in any way. He just stood there while I drove off & didn’t say a word. After 11 years, just stood there. No, he said, “its just what I want to do.” I have deleted all his messages & contacts. I am so broken, and crying all the time, not so much from losing him as he is NOT a good person but from the way he treated me when I loved him so much. I have always been so good to him. His coldness. The total lack of regard for me or my feelings. I know I was a fool for going back but there is no going back this time. This time I will not allow him back in. He has been doing this to her for 2 years longer than me (13 years!) coming and going as he feels. Only this time when he comes home I wont be there to fill his empty soul. And this time I’m sticking to it! I promise!!

Sorry this is soooo long. I’ve read a lot of articles on narcissism, I had to respond to this one though, because it blew my mind. Ultimately, I did try to put a gentle end to my relationship with my Narc who gaslighted, manipulated, controlled, lied, and projected in the end that I was “fake poly” only interested in hurting him. I was ripped apart when I was accused of “hurting him..” The whole reason I tried to discuss ending the relationship was because hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. Oh my…

That was when the mask slipped because. I was “wrong,” to end it with him. I.e him telling me how hurt he was was not designed to truly communicate about US. It was to color me wrong for having “many loves,” He never embraced the concept – figured it would be an advantage to himself. I have a paramour for 14 years (he met him) and deep feelings/love that we share. He even helped support us when my car was repossessed because my narc wouldn’t hold down a job..and I was paying all the basics. Roof, food, utilities..

My ex Narc Just took it as an invitation to bang anything that would have him.

When he was in discard mode he called me fake poly, and I realized he was telling about himself.. he faked poly, and was just a garden variety cheater.

I missed most of the signs because i introduced polyamory to him. Not the other way around. I have identified as poly for ten years before we met. He attempted to deal with two paramours (women) while we were together which I encouraged until:
1. Said she preferred one on one relationships and suggested he leave me. He told me with great glee!!
2. An older woman, she got bored because, well trauma bonding and lovebombing aside. Narcissist are pretty boring once you’ve heard all their canned stories.

I never tired of his charms. I don’t mind a “messy” relationship because in my experience “authentic human,” is messy. I was devalued because I grew tired of demands for sex; him not working; blowing up on people in service positions; I was discarded when he began sabotaging my professional life when I had to work with other men. Who I had no interest in.

I took him back, because the discard was so brutal and he came back six weeks later, just wanting to make it right. But really never tried. silent treatments were reprieve from his incessant attention seeking. So I let them pass on their own. I took his “cheating,” behaviors; I.e one night stands, parking lot blow jobs, neighbors who waited until I wasn’t home to approach, and customers of our family business as “opportunities,” for us to understand each other’s relationship values / sexual needs better. He took anything I said on these incidents as a confrontation because he did not want to be accountable for the “loving,”part the way poly people truly are. Then he took it all for my weakness because I would let it all drop, since I never could not wade through the demeaning defensive nonsense word salad that he specialized in, that was well … exhausting.

In the end, he attempted to isolate me from friends, by starting arguments with two of my friends who were friendly with a woman he was grooming. The weird part is he introduced my friends to her to try to convince her to sleep with him. Then he triangulated with the same woman calling her a manipulative bitch; (she dint sleep with him) and told her never to call him again. Then the next week he was glad they were friends; and I was just being controlling by pointing out that based on his interactions with her perhaps she was not a good fit for us.

I never knew about narcissists before this relationship. The final straw was he began introducing “punishment,” as a theme for our sex play and it seemed a not so veiled threat. That day I suggested we figure out how to go our separate ways with the least hurt to everyone. He said fuck you, I’m leaving and after six years he was gone and living with another woman by the end of the week. Eight months later I’ve been reading articles, and realizing how abusive it all was. Including “using “ my existing love’s ability to help support “ us.”
The daily reality shaper “arguments” were the worst and made me think I was losing my mind.

No. Poly ain’t for everybody. But it is fulfilling without narcs in the picture…

[…] of the Top Ways to Avoid Users Online Can You Make a Narcissist Finally Commit? 5 Cruel Ways You’ll Feel Destroyed by the Polyamorous Narcissist How to Deal with Adult Narcissistic […]

My partner constantly told me I was crazy for not letting him sleep with other women . That if I loved him I would understand this is what men do! I ended up in hospital with a destroyed immune system , severe weight loss, only to find out a woman he was having an affair with worked at the same hospital I was in !!

With all the info I have read on Narcs,I have never found info on adult narcs being puppetted, and manipulated and coming first in any relationship with their narc parent. The triangle relationship you enter not knowing that you are the third wheel with the parent never loan anyone else and the narc sibling to. I had believed this to be a European way of life no offence intended to anyone, As they were Croatian. I am gone from that relationship, thank God. But to deal with the pack was so much harder than just the one, I have had a few unfortunately. But because I thought some of it was culture it kept there to long.

Spot on! Thanks for sharing! This was so completely true about Narcissists!

How?? It’s been going on for 5 yrs. I even reported him but my manager thinks he can do no wrong. what hurts is how cold and emotionless he is. He has hooked up with other co workers here but they ended up leaving b/c of how much he affected their work enviornment. Right now…he has another target. How do I know?? B/c he hasn’t given me the time of day and is constantly texting ‘someone.’ I know his patterns well and yet it still stings me every time. He is a very very sick human being.

OMG!!!! I feel like we dated the same LOSER!!!! He would always say he ‘values’ privacy and doesn’t need to share his personal life w anyone (me). Yet, he would try to convince me we should have sex and shouldn’t feel bad about it bc he doesn’t sleep around or with ‘just anyone.’ He has stood me up multiple times, cancel plans b/c he was busy working on his car, Jenny, and can’t drive. We work together! It’s miserable b/c he comes at me strongly for several months then w/o warning stops talking to me, texting, or looking at me; then starts talking to other co workers about drama w this “new girl.” This lasts for a couple of months then the cycle repeats again and again and again.

Thank you, Kim for this.?

Hold on to your faith. She was never your soulmate. God has great plans for you.

Been there done that! We’d barely been married a year, but my husband didn’t call 911. He packed his clothes & drove 5 hours back to his dope & skanks. My neighbor took me to ER. He’s the perfect loving husband when he’s in jail!

James, I felt heart broken for you when I read your words. I am a Christian too and although I do not claim to know what God demands I do know this……He is the Alpha and the Omega….the Beginning and the End….He knows what His children need to experience to be in His will. Maybe you were God’s way of working in her life to bring about His will and an offer of grace and redemdemtion? Forgiveness is what God provides for us……but forgiveness does not equal reconciliation, change, or sainthood. The bravest thing I have ever done is forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness and did not care if it was granted. Is this not what God did for us? Trust her Father loves her and is making a way for her and move on. I can only speak this because my Father has asked the same of me. Trust He knows what they need and loves them enough to provide it. No contact is hard and the pain can be excruciating, but we were designed for greater things. The fact that you went no contact proves you have a greater destiny that no one can destroy. My prayers are with you, James. You are right where you are suppose to be…..in God’s hands. Blessings………!

Omg. This is so real. I was involve with a man like I didn’t know these types of men exist till I met him. He said that I should not worry about this other woman. Convince me but I didn’t buy. Something in his lack of empathy for other women and me felt put off. Though I agree at first, I was wait for an convenience excuse to get out and make sure he gets scared coming back to me. I did that 17 days ago and I feel better now that I want to heal myself completely. This is a long overdue article. Thank you.

Wow I thought it was only my Ex that was like this.
You are giving me hope everyday

Thank you for this post! Narc abuse is bad enough, but throw in sexual coercion, and this adds another layer to add to recovery. I’ve read Narcs are generally exceptionally good in bed. A manipulation to make you stay. **some content may be a little graphic**

My Narc would brag about being able to last all night…. and he could. In the beginning, I enjoyed our intense ‘sessions’. As time went on, he would want to add a little ‘spice’. Innocent experimentation between two people deeply in love and I was willing, if not excited about the prospects. As time went on, we no longer EVER had a ‘normal’ session of ‘love-making’, in fact, if I did not agree to his requests, he would become angry. There reached a point I was not willing to cross and then sex became something I tried to avoid or would even cringe at the thought.

I learned that men who could last ‘forever’ generally masturbate multiple times per day, which was his case. Of course, porn was not nvlved. If I didn’t want to participate, he would get angry and say, “the least you could do is sit there naked while you use your hand (edited).” Like I owed him to be submissive.

I began to feel there was something wrong with me because I no longer wanted sex, and he would back that up, putting me down and telling me something was wrong with me, and on some occasions, threatened to go get a hooker if I did not participate in his twisted games. One day I finally told him to go ahead, because NOTHING I would do or participate in would please him…. more and more and more.

I found out after seeking therapy that this is a form of sexual abuse. Coercion… to keep the peace, or threatening cheating, or worst, physically harming their victim, rape. For those seeking an Order of Protection, there doesn’t have to be physical harm, just another thing to add to your list.

This is one of the least talked about abuses, and I thank Kim so much for bringing this up!!!

In the beginning when I first started no contact I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive. Its been 6 months of no contact and on Easter he showed up at my door. I somehow had a feeling that it would happen and I didn’t answer the door. It was as though I was warned and was able to pass the big test. I felt a sense of pleasure knowing that he did not get the satisfaction this time around.
I still have times of stress being unsure if and when he might show up because I blocked his number on my phone. My question to you is what do you do if the narcissist does show up and I open the door not realizing it is him? What if anything do. I say, or do I just close the door and say nothing?

I can’t deal with this pain I’m going threw. I’m at my end with crying and feeling lost.

I left my narr last May he had his girlfriend in the house the same. NIght I left my house

This is the FIRST time I’ve seen an article about what it’s like to love a narcissist who claims he needs an open relationship style. Thank you.

My Nex did every single one of these things but you forgot to specify the lying and holding of secrets under the guise of ‘privacy’. He would repeatedly lie/withhold the things he had been doing in order to triangulate. Such as asking a friend for nudes and then trying to put us into a car together for a day, not telling me that he had done so. Not acceptable in any style of relationship.

He wouldn’t reveal that he had a partner, not acceptable in any style of relationship but it’s MUCH worse in an open style.

He hid behind the idea of it in order to fulfill his desperate need for drama and attention. The silver lining is that I now know that if I were ever to try that again, the base would have to be beyond rock solid before even talking about it. I doubt I ever will though, because the whole thing has been tainted in my eyes.

Thank you for writing this article. I’m sure many of us can relate to this. I feel like finally someone understands. The other thing a narcissist does is gaslight you into doubting yourself ,saying this is all normal and there is something wrong with you if this isn’t something you like, or that you are just overly jealous. I caught my husband signing up for a “dating” website membership (it pretty much advertised “get some sex tonight”) . When I confronted him he said he was just curious. Oh RIGHT! Then I logged into his email account and saw all the numerous porn that him and his buddies were passing around and bragging of their tales of flying girls to Thailand to have 3 ways. One of his

This is long. I apologize for that, but really, even if nobody reads it, I feel better having wrote it out. It is partially sharing my story but mostly venting, getting something out that I have never told anybody, ever. I am still married to this man. Separated, but somehow still struggling to get to no contact. After writing the below, it seems incredulous that I am still “stuck.” And even with all that I have written, it is just the tip of the iceberg in how my abusive marriage to a narcissist has played out over the last 12 years. How I wish I’d have read something like this 12 years ago. Although it probably wouldn’t have helped. I was so enmeshed in my relationship that everything was shaped for me by my husband, who I blindly followed. Now that I look back I see how meticulous, careful and conniving my husband was in getting me to participate in being a part of the “swinging” lifestyle. I know that it is different from polyamory, but I related to this article so much. It feels like a knife in my heart thinking about how I did participate, for years, before slowly backing out and eventually refusing to be a part of it anymore. The first time we engaged in an encounter with other couples (an experience in which the whole time I felt so out of place and uncomfortable and exposd as if I were standing in the middle of a football stadium of people naked-a feeling that, year after year never went away), on the way home my husband held my hand (something I often asked for but rarely got) and gently told me how the experience made him feel so close to me. Oh how I soaked that up. The feeling of comfort I got from him being kind and gentle like that somehow erased the ugliness of the night for me. From there “we” participated in many, many events and parties, and, the worst part, regularly, very regularly, invited strangers into our home for sex. I never got used to it. I always hated it. He knew I hated it and ignored that fact. If I protested too much he would tell me how this was something he was going to have in his life and if I didn’t want to be a part of it I could divorce him. One time when I was talking to him on the phone on my way home from work, he got so angry about me saying no, I didn’t want to invite a strange couple over that night, that he told me not to come home and had changed the locks by the time I got there. I coped by getting as drunk as I could to get through the sex, and set boundaries that I thought were clear and firm but that he crossed over and over and managed to talk his way around it and blame me for not being clear enough. Twice I was so drunk that I passed out in stranger’s homes and when I woke up after searching for him found him in bed having sex with other people. Once I was raped. I didn’t know it at the time; I blamed myself-how could I not? I couldn’t tell anybody either. My participation in the lifestyle was shameful to me (I do not in any way judge anybody else who finds it enjoyable and fulfilling within a healthy relationship) and nobody knew about it, only my husband. When I told him about the rape, he accused me of wanting it, and mocked me about it for years after. Reading this now, thinking of others reading it, it seems so ridiculous, so sad, so infuriating that I would settle for this, put up with this treatment. I want to be able to go back in time and grab myself by the shoulders and shake as hard as I can shouting, “Don’t you see how he is doing this to you?” He had me so terrified that he would leave me that I did anything and everything at his beck and call. Even this. And still I struggle to cut the final ties. Ugh.

Kim, thank you so much for this article and for all of your writings and work. I hope that this article reaches many, and helps others avoid going through the pain and self-hate and fear that I went through. I continue to follow you and read and re-read everything you have in hopes that soon I can be strong enough to finally let go so I can fully move on.

Amazing revelation reading this. On the 3rd occasion of getting back together with my Narcissist girlfriend she brought up the subject of polyamorous relationships totally out of the blue whilst we were out on a date. I had never heard the term and wondered why she had brought this up. Maybe she was testing the water or maybe she was pursuing the idea ?