The Cerebral Narcissist – A Portrait

This is a perfect description of both my father and my husband. I’m ashamed to admit that, when I was younger and being a straight A student, I copied some of my father’s behaviour. He even encouraged me. Of course, it didn’t work in making me popular with other kids. Only much, much later I realized that he despised me

Thank you so much Kim,I needed to hear t his, I just want to let go.God bless you❤

Hi Kim, I am so excited to start working through your amazing thriver roadmap.
I have and still am doing everything possible to recover and heal from a very cruel narcissistic relationship which I didn’t realise it was at the time.
I thought and was brainwashed to think and believe that everything was my fault and all blame for anything was down to me.
So I thought he was this perfect man who I desperately wanted to love me and not keep criticising and accusing me.
I also didn’t realise that when he pushed me over really hard, it was abuse and an illegal action.
But I just let him get away with it all on the basis that he had convinced me that I deserved his punishment.
I know so much better and more now!
But I urgently need more help healing my trauma from within and finally getting to a place of peace.
I feel strongly that working with Kim will really help me to achieve this. Ruth ?

Now at least one of my experiences with narcissists has a name Cerebral. Beneath the mask of being intellectually superior to the rest of the human species, my narcissist was an emotional void, desperate for adoration and fearful of discovery.
Ten years after leaving him, I remain prone to self-doubt and although conscious that I made the right decision, can occasionally indulge in romanticising the relationship.
I am the only one who knows how it was. Family and friends were impressed. The long term effect is profound. Thank you for identifying the form of narcissism.

The article clearly described my narcissistic SO to a T. A more hideous, deplorable, demonic creature could not exist in the universe.

Thanks. Very informative and something that is commonly experienced especially by spouses of men in authority or popularity, but not recognized or acknowledged by society

For me the way is through daily prayer and medication to deepen my connection with Source, with Higher Self, and with Inner Child and ‘Inner Being”. I disconnected from God when my mother died when i was 14 and there was no-one to hold me, help me process, talk to about this and help me through it. This terrible abandonment trauma has played a role in all my relationships. but now that I am learning to ‘self source” and deepen friendships with “Recovery friends”, I am able to gradually let go of so many losses in life that it became overwhelming. Let Go and Let Go, is not a quick process for me but a journey of processing grieving and healing, as well of opening up to people who do not say” Gosh aren’t you over that yet? It is a long time ago ad kook at how many good things you have!”. I need to be allowed to grieve, rather than be fixed.

THANK YOU for this article on cerebral narcs….it helped me very much…it is EXACTLY what I am now dealing with, and fits the N’s patterns and traits/behaviors to a T….absolutely dead-on accurate, too.
I’ve been going thru the Discard/Hoover nightmare now for about a month….even tho I am well-aware of what’s happened, I still can not fully accept or wrap my mind around how someone can be so utterly cruel and sadistic, emotionally and psychologically….
I feel like I’ve been hit with a stun gun, emotionally.
You’re articles have been a TREMNDOUS help.
Bless You for all you share….

In my personal experience, I can relate to some of this with a Cerebral Narcissists, however, there is definitely more to the patterns, highs and lows, distress triggers (for the C-Narcissists), and self-pity/pathetic/blaming symptoms than mentioned here. I’m curious if a somatic can become a cerebral… good looking guy when younger, then later in life really hit a streak of “intelligence” obsessively studying his topic. Perhaps the internet gave a new avenue to explore and study. The psychological intelligence is pretty sharp also, which is why reality can be twisted so suavely by their kind. This guy thinks no one lives in “truth” or “reality” and has an extremely hard time communicating to average people…in fact, I say he speaks “cryptic”… doesn’t fully explain anything that’s relevant to every day work/life. He wants to be liked and accepted at some level, complaining about my family & friends – one way or another he makes a negative comment….with the exception of the children (he wants them to like him). He has a couple of addictions, also. If he fakes sex, he’s really good. Loves porn. He’s more of a nurturing person – almost like healing hands. However, when he withdraws and gets depressed, or gets angry, he’s dark, dark, dark.

I originally thought he was on the autism spectrum. When I finally figured it out, I was blown away that Narcissism exists… beyond vaguely knowing that “pretty people” may love themselves excessively.

While he will apologize – it is not often – and it’s always my fault he did “xyz”.

He doesn’t have many friends, but the friends he has are old friends.

I am confident I was used publicly to friends/family/customers that he is a good person, and that he can be trusted, and whatever else he needed my presence to prove about his character.

He holds a grudge for a lifetime. However, he says he loves people and helps them. Yet, no one helps him. He is a wild card of confusion for me. I just want away. We have a young child together, which he “adores” and loves to use her/me as the reason we will all suffer a miserable life – if we aren’t together. From finances to a healthy child. It doesn’t matter which direction our conversation goes, we can’t have a good life if we aren’t together. (Please!) I definitely want to be around my child when the other parent is around, so I try my best to stay in my genuine kindness self…yet, keep relationship boundaries. It’s hard when I have to literally say “leave” or “this doesn’t mean we are in a relationship”. I feel stuck in an impossible situation where I move forward, yet have to be in contact with him because of our child. My protective streak is strong, yet I’m tired. Sooooo tired. A child break is nice, but it’s also hard. The child is so young right now. Regaining complete financial independence would be even better. Then I’d be less inclined to care if he is involved in the child’s life.

My longterm On-Off is this kind of narcissist. I’ve read a lot about the disorder but this closed the last gaps.

I’m married to a cerebral narc and have told him I want a divorce. He has launched into all the reasons why I’m wrong and could never survive on my own. I realize now that what initially attracted him to me was the fact that I was a great student and he felt I was “smart enough” to be with him – though of course I could never live up to his level of extreme intelligence.

He is forever holding court and lecturing the family about various things he knows way more than we will ever know (ha) about. It has been a long road but I’m excited about my journey to freedom.

[…] all narcissists cheat, but most of them do.  The ones who don’t tend to be of the “cerebral” ilk and simply do not enjoy having intimate relations with other […]

I disagree that narcs aren’t aware of what they do. I have plenty of experience with narcs, and they know EXACTLY what they’re doing! My mother is a narc, and I’ve watched her plot and scheme on ppl as a child…even before knowing she was a narc. Some narcs are aware of what they are and some aren’t aware, but they all know what they’re doing. They just don’t care that it hurts ppl, because afterall…”they deserve it”

Hi Kim! Terrific profile of my recently acquired business partner. He manipulated my vulnerabilities with his charm compassion concern and his sense of vision. All of it a convincing performance. The minute the partnership was signed he did a 180 and has turned into the darkside of his disorder. My question is How do I safely disengage from this nightmare?

Please help legally married to this man. I brought him to the unied states he treat me so bad.

I find this rhetoric on narcissism very misleading and damaging. Narcissists do not “scheme” they are unaware, and if they are aware they are unable to control themselves. They are the equivalents of alcoholics- owned and controlled by their addiction to narcissistic supply- which includes both “highs” and “hang overs/ come downs”. When not in the grip of narcissistic supply addiction, they may return to being a normal person- either horrified or in denial of what they have done. These people are unhappy addicts who make everyone else unhappy. What they are usually not- is playing a game of knowingly evil chess. If they are manipulative they feel justified through twisted reasoning. Malic or cold, aware intent would be machiavellianism and psychopathy.

I am 34 years still in a marriage with a Narc, at this point I’m not sure what type but still a Narc all the same. I’m still in the marriage because I can’t afford to leave, he spent every penny and still is. But I’m a survivor because when I went to the bottom I didn’t want to get up and prayed God would take me, soon. He didn’t take me but led me to an alternative way of surviving, spirituality, so in essence, death saved me from death. I spent the next seven years focusing on all things spiritual, became a Reiki Master and Clinical Hypnotherapist but I still didn’t have an answer for years of physical and emotional abuse until I googled ‘serial cheat’ and BINGO! I found a website that described my husband in so much detail I thought they must be talking about him! I then spent the next two years studying Narcissism trying desperately to understand the chaos I’d been living in. Once I discovered why, I then had to deal with the incredible hatred I had for myself, how could I have been so weak, so stupid, be everything I hate in weak people, I had been one so again, spirituality came forward and showed me how to forgive myself and let go and here I am, alive, happy and free. I don’t look back with regret of a life lost, I now look forward to a future without pain. I don’t know what it holds for me and only live day by day, but I’m pain free. He still cheats, currently is, still spends every penny we have but, he can’t hurt me anymore and sometimes I delight in the look on his face when he realises it doesn’t affect me anymore, not very spiritual of me I know, but what the hell, I’m also human.

To all victims of Narc partners, don’t look back, learn to love yourself again and look forward.

I am struggling with how I feel about a man I was seeing, who has since told me I was involved with him but he wasn’t with me. I found out he had been seeing someone else while seeing me, after he was beaten up by the other woman’s husband. He has rewritten what happened between us. That all we had was a moment, he toyed with the idea of a relationship, was only ever a ‘friendship’ sometimes we were loving friends, trusting friends, best friends, special friends. Never partners. For 2 years we were friends, he emailed me nearly everyday, I fell for him hook line and sinker, then as the friendship progressed when he changed work roles and we eventually got physical he also became more vindictive, putting me down, blowing hot and cold, being really kind and sensitive and then really cruel. Since I found out that he is seeing someone else, a junior member of staff he recruited and who reports to him (although he has got her a permanent job that wasn’t advertised, and no longer is her official line manager) while divorcing his wife he has been separated from for the last 5 years (who he told me was a controlling mad woman who would not let him see his children if he was even friends with another woman, I was special you see, that he would allow me in his home, come to mine as the risk he was taking was huge in relation to seeing his children – all lies, but I believed them!) and we all work in the same large organisation. So when I found out about the other woman he then emailed me to say never to contact him again, he wronged me and now punishes me by refusing to talk to me, to explain, to apologise. In my brain I know it is better to never to talk or see him again. In my heart I miss him. I miss the man he led me to believe he was and could be if he could get over all the emotional damage he told me other woman had inflicted on him over the years. I guess he is happy now, he has a new woman, while I have been discarded and left reeling from having believed his lies and having trusted someone who was just not trustworthy. I just wanted to believe the man he showed me glimpses of was real.

Now that I have learned about narcissistic abuse, I’ve been thinking back on guys I’ve spent time with over the years, and at least 3 come to mind who all had very abusive natures. But you know what’s raising my eyebrows now, just thinking about them? They all did things early on TO HURT ME, and they did it right in my face for the most part. Almost like trying to see what they could get by with. One of them, in a fit of frustration, actually began carving words on my dining room table-right in front of me! I halted that immediately, but should have banished the bum. He also had a penchant for disappearing with my car for 3 days. He’s sitting in prison now, so narc on that, buddy! The second guy was my initiation into the confusion of having someone suddenly be very upset at me, yet I’d have no idea why, nor would he tell me. He tried to tell me how to handle an online chat once, and when I told him to get his own chat and do his own thing there, he stormed off into my backyard and severed my phone line. Even threw my knife he’d used into my backyard; I found it days later. That same guy also touched a lit cigarette to an intimate area on me while I was sound asleep! I woke up and spun around and I will never, ever forget the fiendish look of pure impish delight I witnessed for a moment on his face. That same guy another time became so suddenly enraged by something I said, that he attacked and jumped on me like some kind of lunatic. And do you know, he always insisted to everyone that my anger was out of control. I remember always thinking, why does he think that, I wasn’t the one tripping out! After an incredibly public fall from his own self-constructed house of cards, he killed himself. And the 3rd guy…he killed my cat! My kitty went from the picture of health to failing badly. Turned out he had a ruptured kidney! The jerk admitted kicking the cat because it tried to get his pizza. What’s extra strange, he then spent over a thousand bucks trying to get him well. It didn’t work, and my kitty had to be put down.
I don’t know how I was so foolish in the past, but Lord help me identify and banish the next person that pulls outlandish stunts against me…dang!

This post describes my ex to a tee…. early in our relationship he made a point of the fact that he’d been IQ tested as a very young child and scored above the 90th percentile… he said that he got along so well with me (and we were together longer than any of his previous relationships) because I was smart, too. Yet later he had no problem tearing me down by calling me “immature,” “childish,” “selfish,” yet I was the one who managed our household and cooked him dinner and washed his clothes every week while he hid away to work on whatever his latest grand idea was. He accused me of being devoid of compassion (and later told me I should just get over my family member’s death).

It tore me apart to see his arrogance tearing apart his professional relationships and torpedoing his chances at a good education and career. I knew he was genuinely intelligent; I wanted only the best for him; yet he perceived his mentors as people who feared his potential and were out to sabotage him. He was a constant victim, even from the campus offices whose help he enlisted in his delusions of persecution.

Every night I’d cook him dinner, wait for him to break away from his projects, and dutifully listen as he ranted and raved about whoever was out to ruin him that week. The vitriol and fury in him alarmed me, but I couldn’t say a word. I couldn’t agree with him (for fear of fueling the fire, and I didn’t agree with him), and I definitely couldn’t contradict him, because then I’d be “against him” too. So I settled for a passive “hmm” of acknowledgment. Even that earned me anger if he perceived my response to seem too judgmental or critical (something in my eyes, I guess?).

He spoke occasionally about how he was THIS close to going on a shooting spree. Then he’d assure me that he wouldn’t ever, because it would ruin his chances at a career. I always reminded him of this when he drifted into that territory–that he was talented, smart, that he’d find a way out of his current predicament. I can’t say how serious he ever was but the fact that I didn’t flee right then should tell you how thoroughly enmeshed I was in that relationship.

I stayed so long–despite horrific emotional abuse, domination, control, neglect, paranoia, and rage–because he had hooked me in those early days together. Somehow I remembered the idyllic early months of our relationship and thought we’d get back to that somehow. I desperately wanted to get married because I thought I’d found a real catch, my soulmate. He alternately dangled the idea of marriage over me like a tempting morsel, then derided the concept as mere interference of the government in his private life.

Early on he was happy to clear his schedule and just spend time with me; cook me a fancy dinner; later, I was lucky if he sat on the couch with me to watch a movie “together” while he continued working on his laptop. Cuddling together in bed turned into me trying to sleep while he tapped away on his keyboard in bed. Preparing elaborate meals turned into promises to make dinner, working until I was almost ready to go to bed, then going into the kitchen and discovering there was nothing to eat, so having some cheese and fruit for dinner. But if I ever expressed the slightest whiff of dissatisfaction with this turn of events, somehow I was selfish, needy, wanting to monopolize his attention and stop him from being successful and supporting us in the future.

Finally, it took us being with our separate families over a holiday and him snapping into “obsessive, abusive control freak” mode via text for my family to see his true colors (conveniently hidden up to that point) and to intervene on my behalf. They helped me to realize my predicament and to break free from it.

I have no idea what I would have done if we hadn’t gone to visit our families that week. I doubted that I’d be back to visit them for some time (I lived several states away) and my ex was planning to transfer to a school halfway across the country. If I’d gone with him, I would have been even more isolated from my support network.

RIght after the breakup, I felt hollow inside, like my heart and dreams had been scooped out of my chest. But I also felt… released. Suddenly I could do what I wanted, go where I pleased, without having to ask permission or brave anyone’s disapproval.

Now I am happily supporting myself and doing all the things I love to do. I have a much greater quality of life than I did when I was with my ex because he isn’t sucking my dignity and spirit away from me.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could talk to him and tell him what a piece of shit he was to me. In my fantasies, he breaks down and admits to abusing me, admits that he did terrible things to me. But the sad part is that I know this will never, ever happen. Hopefully I never see or talk to him again, and even if I did, I know he’d still lapse back to his same old abusive ways. It would only be a matter of time.

Fortunately, I’m free.

“One of the most effective ways of ‘winning’ a game with a Narcissist… let them win. If you’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist for a while, you’ll know that at some point they stop being ‘nice’ to you, it’s an effort for them, and they switch to being mean. They will tell you some awful truth about yourself for your own good, of course, they’re wonderful like that. Don’t try to prove them wrong, that’s what they want, that gives them what they need, all of your passionate attention. Tell them they are right and walk away”. That was the part that resonates most with me, about my mother. It’s the only way to win.

Great Post Kim, I have been involved with both types of narcissist. I can clearly see now that I am a target for these types. The key for me now is to change this.

Kim found your website last March Im an empath and a HSP and my narc is a Cerebral Narc. I dont want to focus on him and as you remind us it is about focusing on us, our role we play and how we fix our root issues, raise our energy vibrations and understand how we danced with the narc. Doing simple things like cooking, cleaning and going to work was so difficult and exhausting to do. I became a skeleton of myself a ghost drifting and just making it thru the days. Tears as I write this of what I became. I could write the narc hundreds of long messages but now words dont seem to convey my journey. It feels important to share the steps and how everything you provided guided the journey. it is a multitude of things that help us recover – not just one and the recovery steps may vary based upon each person.

go no contact. the time without them does something magical it removes the veil they have over you and you begin to see them for who they really are but more importantly how beautiful and strong you really are

listen to meditation all of it all the time. the different meditation provided begins the healing process and as you heal different meditation is needed thru the healing stages. driving to work, before you go to sleep, doing dishes – whenever you can

meditate – I would drive for hours with my dog. the driving was my meditation it brought clarity and a calmness. I drove when ever I could and some weekends hours and hours. it felt crazy to drive so much

focus on your recovery. yes, get information to understand the narc but then stop reading on it and read on how to heal you. all of you, inner child, the need to be validated by others, PTSD, anxiety and the role we played

Aromatherapy. soothing scents to assist with calming and the anxiety that never ends

spiritual healers. right when I was ready one was recommended to me. this added another dimension to my healing

anxiety. this is something I still struggle with alot most everyday. find things like tapping, breathing techniques, taking walks, being in nature or meditation. always go back to meditation if the anxiety wont calm is ugly head

affirmations and gratitude. every day all the time. one of my standard gratitude is everyday the narc is gone. state what you want in your life and let go

pray to your higher power. pray to be healed, pray to have your higher power love with you and pray to be protected. Pray to heal the root issues remove them and heal the wounds. I picture these deep root wounds being pulled out with a hole left (this is how the narc hooks in the wounds and holes) and then a cape of healing over me. the cape is a cape of love, compassion, medicine, acceptance and guidance to covers me and protects/heals the open wounds.

get out of the house. my house I hide in, would read and read focus on how bad things are. forced myself to get out of my house even if only to arrive someplace and leave – I got out

Remain grateful, loving and courageous.

Raise your energy level. read and understand how this works raising your energy level or vibrations is the law of attraction. you will be attracting a better life, people, love, situations, etc. as you raise your energy level

by the grace of my higher power am I still here on this earth to share with all of you. praying the words may reach you

Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..

Hi, I am a guy who had a boyfriend for 2 years who is a narcissist and or psycopath. He fits everything Kim talks about on here. After almost going broke lending him money and getting him out of trouble because he is a drug addict and never pays his bills, steals, shoplifts and got fired from a great job in January this hear, he stole my credit cards one day and proceeded to use them all over town. In addition to that he offered to prostitute himself at the local carwash to the manager (a man). What is so funny about all this is he tells me he is straight and likes girls about half the time. I found out in November 2014 he put up an escort ad to sell himself to other guys, and often robs them according to what he tells me. I was heartbroken over this. I was going to drop the charges but changed my mind. He was arrested in April and in jail told people he was going to kill me when he gets out. Someone at our gym did bail him out and he has a protective order in his release not to contact me. I have been upset over this for months and had to face him in court initially. then he waived the pretrial and stood mute. his attorney, court appointed because he is broke, changed the date today for another pretrial and i waited 2 hrs to find out he wasn’t apprearing. now 2 more weeks to wait to even find out if he pleades guilty even though he told the police he did it and i did not give him the cards, he stole them. now he blames me. I have had to get a gun and the police are watching my home. He has said before that he will kill me someday, and I am beginning to believe he will try. What I would like is anyones opinion on giving a statement at the sentencing hearing. Would it be better to expose his devious illegal behavior so its on record if he does harm me in the future? or would it be better to just not go and ignore it and he will wonder why i vanished? I have changed all phone numbers and locks in the house and have an alarm system. Thanks all for your help. Kim, every day I thank God for what you write, Sometimes when I am really down and in a low mood your words keep me going. God Bless 🙂

He just left….. this time it was because I snapped at something he said. I realized it’s always because I “snapped” in however small a way. Our entire night/weekend is ruined. I plead for him to let it go that I didn’t mean it the way he thinks. Is it really that wrong? Do people in loving relationships occasionally get frustruated and use a less than loving tone? Is he right? Is it me?

This is the best description of the cerebral N i have ever read!!

Thank you!!!

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Reblogged this on The Story of my Twin Boys Oliver and Oscar Ferreira.

When I notified my bf he needed to come retrieve his belongings, as I waited I was reading various articles about narcissistic abuse. Accounts of cruelty suffered in the discard actually had me thinking “nahh, he’d never do THAT to me”. Well, yes he SURE DID, and it shocked me so bad to see a woman by his side that it was all I could do to keep from fainting. It took the rest of the day to finally stop trembling and crying. Several more days later, as reality of the whole situation began to finally sink in, I had more than his abuse and cruelty to deal with. I also had to deal with the realization of how very long and hard I had researched and attempted various techniques, tricks, and ploys to somehow break through to him, somehow turn things around. I had to deal with the realization that I had read and then ignored the more experienced opinions everywhere I looked which all warned it was futile…you can’t change them, you can’t make them see, and giving them a taste of their own medicine is only going to bring you down to their level and make you even more disgusted with yourself. But I was sure I could do it! And boy, did I try my little crunched up heart out. Now it is so painfully obvious I was wrong. It is excruciating just dealing with the discard and the painful new reality. But pile on the regret of having tried so hard and worked so long and put up with even more abuse, just trying to “FIX THINGS” which are not broken—-they never even existed! The monumental waste of time, effort, sanity, and soul is just not worth it. To face the fact of your own foolish wasted effort on a person who trashes you like yesterday’s news…it just multiplies the pain in ways you hate to find out. We’d be so much better off if we’d just face one simple fact-Anyone worth your heart will never repeatedly break it. All others are bad times waiting to happen. Plain and simple. But oh, so painful when we fail to face the facts…

Nietzsche is quoted incorrectly, in that he said that if you battle monsters, you yourself can become one, because as you focus on that darkness it also focuses on you. This is particularly pertinent with the Narcissist because they can certainly bring out the worst in us. My N would torture and torture me until I finally lashed out, and this would give him something to point to when he wanted leverage or a justification for cheating or even leaving. The more obsessed we are with our dark partner, the more access he has to use us as a dumping ground for his toxic innards, until we are nearly indistinguishable from the monster.

Made me to cry this post..especially the last quote Beware that, fighting monsters to dont become a monster… i think that im on my way to become a monster..after 6 years tears, sufference and all what u can imagine since one month i decide that enough.. since than i am terrorizated in all the way for a last chanse because hes going to change, he cry, he implore, he dont know what to do just to trust him again and to go back to him, hes swearing on God and on dead peoples that at this time he mean it, im hes everithing and he cant live without me, i reject him more and more agressiv, i think he already beat out from me the last piece what remain from my heart, and when he cry and implore and promise the stars just make me to lose my mind because i cannot belive him animore, he put even hes parents to call me and they begin to promise too anithing just to forgave them son even if in front of them im was beated manny times, i get blue on my face then burned everiwhere with cigaret and when i scream from the pain and i ask why hes answear was that u deserve it..nobody was sorry for me..now why i should be sorry for him?since i left him he dont eat he dont do nothing only cry bombarding me with love msges..we repeat this story so manny times..i go back than he was more and more bad with me, he take hes revange…but at this time i mean it..i have nightmares at night and probablly if i will go back to him he gone kill me, hes able to do anithing i know what is behind him i know that hes like this till i will get back to hes house than hes going to “show me”.. i dont want to become a monster but i cannot control mysef because since im at home im alive and my name its not “shut the f..k up” animore so i just tell him all the hate what he put in me and all what i wish to disapair from my life and to leave me alone 🙁

Thank you for posting about the cerebral narcissist as I am having a very difficult time going through a divorce with one and I also have had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that he never loved me. I spent 12 years with him, 10 years too long. Can you please post about how to save or help children who have joint custody with a cerebral narcissist?

Wow, Kim, this sounds a lot like my father. Would you consider writing about–or can you refer me to–something written about how the cerebral (especially a cerebral religious) narcissist treats his children?

I was married to a cerebral narcissist for 13 years, followed by a two-year relationship with a somatic narcissist. Both were devastating. I’m glad I learned the distinction between the two types of narcissists because for a long time the two men seemed completely differently, until I realized they were exactly the same. Once I made the connection, I was able to see the pattern in my life, and with a lot of pain and effort, end the second relationship, and now I’m recovering from the different ways they harmed me.