How Answering a Simple Text Message Can Ruin Your Life

Hi,
I passed ridiculous time asides someone that was consuming my life … after 30 years he manage clandestine divorce aside mine .. I was not informed to appear on my court session and judge Sabatis from Brockton Court, Ma. excluded me from my property… from alimony.. from everything!!! I became a homeless ??. I consult the Sheriff and he explained to don’t live the house ( we bought together). If he will put me on the court I should prepare all documents of his arrest for domestic abuse and to sue him. Here he stop… but I lost my job. My pain on my body increased… a can’t even dress up… and I’m strong person healthy but emotional abused and all this made me weak: in 2007 a lost motions on my right hand … in 2 years my legs for 3 years and till today I suffer,.. now my shoulders pain … and I can’t do nothing…???????

Sincerely, Tatiana.

I need to read this today.

Thanks Kim!

Hello Kim,

Your articles have really given me strength in these dark times. I always thought I was invincible, survived a year of heavy combat in Afghanistan, served in the French Foreign Legion, and lived my dreams around the world. But I didn’t reckon I could be so torn apart by a girl I loved more than anything in the world. I fell so madly in love from the first night I net her, beautiful, intelligent, understanding, and loved my stories from all over the world. We had so many things in common, she had to have been the one. But, I slowly started suffering from that point on. We were in different cities, and saw eachother on the weekends, but she would go days without responding, excuses, and then ignored nany things I would say, but I’d acknowledge everything she’d say, so it was feeling onesided then. We became official bf and gf just three weeks after we met, but I started to realize her apathy towards most of the problems I faced at the time, namely a few close soldiers from the war who killed themselves. This traumatized me, but she didn’t care to send any words of encouragement or consolation until I asked her why. She said She didn’t think I wanted to talk about it. I was actively consoling her self doubts, lonilness, depressions, constantly reassured her, but she consistently failed to the same for me. Then the silent anger episodes began. She’s had a lot of regretful encounters with letting men have their way with her and so I was late to understand that she actually hates most things associated with those men. So many things triggered her to go into angry silence, as mundane as movies, or hating a good friend who went to a strip club, and angry at me for just being his friend. Then the physical abuse came. Triggered by jealousy of other female friends in my group, she wouldn’t hesitate to make a drunken rage in front of everyone to the point we had to restrain her from attacking me. After most of her temper tantrums (most drunk,but not always) she would continually bash her own head against any hard surface while she wallows in pity. That’s when she either gave me the puppy eyes and asked if I still love her, or she’d remain silent and hostile til the next day, where she would make reconciliation then. Things seemed to get gradually worse everytime she erupted, over politics or even a sentence in a short story I was writing. She’d physically assault me and then threaten put ME in jail for abuse, throw random, untrue accusations at me, spit on my face, kick my head, break things, then minutes later hold me and say she’s sorry, she’s going to take care of me, and she’ll change. Then it would be a week of bliss, despite my obvious wounds and blacl eyes, she would buy me anything I wanted and go out and it would feel like the first time we fell in love. But then everything would stop again, she’d go through her depressions and self loathing, then berate and belittle me for any reason she could find. After the last physical assault she carried out on me, after what I thought was one of the funnest nights we’ve had, and fearing her threats of calling police, I finally realized I have to let her go. Also, family and friends had all seen my wounds and black eyes, all of them hated her and she knew it, but while I was still entranced by her upside qualities, she was distancing me from my own support. I knew I had to let her go, but week after week I kept feeling so much pity for this broken human, and she kept berrating me, my past, spew venom, then make me feel like the luckiest man in the world. Then, we delved into unbounded alcoholism, me just trying to last the night with her until she passes out, then be free to do things she hated (movies, studying, planning). But we wasted so much time drunk and hungover, seeing her explode at her own parents, at random guys girlfriends at parties, such a selfish person… but so was I. I couldnt say goodbye to the great sex that never faded, to her familys rich homes, to our little games and nick names. But finally I found my strength to let her go, after tearing myself apart for a week and her feeling the end come, trying her hardest to be more lovable than ever. I drove away to a freinds house in another city and called her to tell her it was over. I wanted to let her down softly, but she erupted from sobs to rage and berrated and belittled me with everything she could think of because I suddenly just stomped on her power. Then I had to ghost her on everything. So she turned to my own mom and berrated her until she cried for three days feeling like a failure. That was more disgusting in my opinion than trashing me. Then she went to every mutual friend and said the same demeaning things about me. It hasn’t been a month yet, but it’s still hard everyday looking for that drug of affection and destruction by her. I still feel how much I was in love and how I thought my whole life would change with her in the beginning. And now I’m still torn between feeling like maybe I could have tried harder, been more inspiring, even breaking the no contact to hear her sweet remorseful voice. Then it only became more astounding when I tried moving on a dating app and saw her wanting one night stands. I ended it, and feel terrible, but it feels like she had no emotion after the first week and decided to dive into what she has always done. She is very beautiful, and it’s not at all hard for her to get quality men who would give her anything while I fail to move on. Reading these articles helps alot.

I am glad someone sees how really dangerous these people can. be but what if I am shattered inside beyond repair I feel I don’t care to live in a world where people do such evil acts for the fun of it. What I’ve seen I cannot unsee.

How do you explain the “no contact” rule to the children? without badmouthing the other parent? My children are 7yo and 9yo and have been in visitations with the father every other weekend since the divorce almost 4 years ago. They´re beggining to wonder about the dinamics of this situation.

It’s so true how narcissistic type of man can destroy you and your social life without you being aware of it

Dear Kim!

Thank you so much for your work. I love reading your emails and articles -they are so full of clarity and hope for healing. You’re Incredible. This article really spoke to me, as I’ve gone through many such relationships and the last time I didn’t stay strong and not text the narc. I SO regret it. It went on for months and just made me feel more and more pathetic for each time I wrote him. No he can say to himself that I’m a crazy loser totally obsessed with him! I became a version of myself I didn’t recognize. But I try to learn from it, as what else can you do?

I am so grateful that some court systems are recognizing narcissism, sociopathy. 15 years ago when I finally had had more than I could take and saw the damage being done to our small child, I was further abused by the legal system. I was not allowed no contact or even modified contact. I was court ordered to answer every phone call, text message and email even after providing several judges with endless documentation of his abuse. He would call at least 4 times every night from the time we got home and bedtime. As the title of this states, one text can ruin your life and I was bombarded daily at home, at work and everywhere in between. Moving half way across the country has not stopped him from finding me as he follows my social security number via friends that have access to that info…funny how they make friends strategically…so after the last really good job was lost after he called my employer telling them what a nut case I am I just gave up and I have been in hiding for nearly 2 years. I have no idea how to live like this. I hate it. I used to be a highly successful businesswoman in a male dominated industry and now I am afraid to go get groceries. So I guess my little glimpse into my experience is to tell others to find and get the right people around you and do the work needed to recover and protect yourself. I did not have good resources available now. Even with pysch exams that revealed he was a sociopath and potentially dangerous and me codependent as possible, the courts sided with him. Everyone thought I was crazy and I truly was. Get help. Do the work. You deserve to heal. The world needs you.

Kim, thanks for all of your support and coaching! Your articles have been very helpful!

I’ve gone total NC for approx 6 months. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, due to the fact that we shared a business. I have managed to go complete NC, even with his friends and family. In August this year, I’ve had to make some living arrangements. I came to stay with my son, only to discover that his wife is a narc and she has bipolar. I’m not living in their home now, but I find myself still in their space (living one door down from them with one of their friends). I’ve managed to not visit them often, but haven’t gone NC. Do you think this is something I should do? I feel awkward and some concern for my son, who has decided to stay with the narc.

Please let me hear from you, concerning this!!!

I love your perspective and the way you put your words together. You sound very aware and definite. It surprises me a bit that you haven’t forgiven her yet as you seem pretty far along in your recovery. Or maybe you were always aware therefore having a less severe form of PTSD than I do. Anyway, I wish you much continued healing.

I heard from somebody that the narcissist can hoover a former relationship even after twentytwo years after the relationship is over. Cold turkey is not easy to do without a guide who knows this kind of abuse and the rules how to get rid of the bonding. The bonding has a stong effect on the psychologic process. It can be a kind of an addiction what is hard to resist. You must be on your self and don’t give in to rebuild your identity. Some say traumabonding can even be stronger then a addiction to black heroin. They hoover to create havoc it”s said on Dr. Sam his site about Hoovering to create havoc. never knew that traumabonding could be so addictive. .

Love the information..send me more

How do I get on webinar?

The comment “no response” …that’s the one that’s so hard to do…

Right on and AMEN!

I have been there and couldn’t have said it better! No Contact! Not No Response! It was 4 1/2 years later that, after his daughter’s murder and my father’s death, we reconnected.

Guess what? Did tragedy humble him to his core? After almost 5 years of no contact and him professing to everyone that I was the love of his life change the outcome of our relationship this time…? OF COURSE NOT!!!

I barely escaped by leaving without saying goodbye and leaving the State after God gave me evidence that everything I based giving him a second chance on were lies. And this time…the threats came so much faster at me than before!!!

Run! Get away from them now! 5 years and after his favorite child’s murder…no change in who he was under the mask, just a more tragic masks. No change in his tactics, motives, actions, or heart.

(“But he really needs me.” Block, block, block. And block those thoughts of putting his needs before my life, my destiny, my purpose, my needs, my heart, my future, my FREEDOM, my friends and family, my relationship with God in Jesus Christ’s name! If someone is pulling me away from my relationship with God…JETTISON in times of distress!!!!)

I can completely identify with everything in your article. It has helped me alot,thank you

Hi Kim,
I would be so grateful if you could shed some light on an email I received from a text book narcissist who discarded me three months ago. He said goodbye and blocked me on fb after admitting to being in a relationship with someone else while still being in a relationship with me. There has been no contact since then apart from him doing something very weird and phoning me on messenger and disconnecting five times in one night! The 7 months we were in a relationship I went through many silent treatments, discards, false promises and being blocked on fb if I dared say anything. And I know he was flirting with many other women on fb.

I heard that his relationship had ended so when I received a message from him saying he had been thinking of me all night and felt he must ask how I am, I thought it’s a typical hoover. To my amazement and amusement I discovered that he had blocked me from replying. So why did he ask? When I saw that, I wrote him an email saying I was fine and had moved on.
Now here is the part that I cannot fathom and has thrown me into confusion:

He replied by email saying he wants to apologise for treating me so despicably and that he is ashamed of himself, that he’s had to take a hard look at himself and the way he has treated women and now takes responsibility for the pain and upset he has caused. He said I’m a wonderful, loving and trusting person who deserves to be happy and that he hopes I will find a wonderful man who will look after me and treat me with the love and respect I deserve. He signed off ‘with warmest regards’
As he showed no sign of wanting to get back in my life or renew the relationship, and I have since remained blocked, is this still a hoover and what possible reason or motive could he have had for writing these wonderful sounding words? At age 65 has he suddenly developed a conscience, had an epiphany? Can a narcissist apologise like this and say he’s ashamed and take responsibility?
Cognitive dissonance has reared it’s head again
when I was doing so much better. It really sounds like something a person who has some decency in him could write.
Please help and give me your view on this.
Thank you so much.

This is so true. Zero contact is the only way to deal with these people. ALL attention encourages them negative and positive. I ceased communication with a toxic person over 5 years ago and I still get the occasional phone call (even though I have changed my number since then). I finally installed an app on my phone that wouldn’t even let them leave a message on my voicemail.

[…] Read:  How Answering a Simple Text Message Can Ruin Your Life […]

NC is extremely painful…but it was the only choice that I could make to keep my self-dignity after I slowly saw who this person actually was. She had no empathy, honesty or conscious contact with reality. She was the center of the world and apparently had created it as well. I was all-of-a-sudden the villain and she the hero or victim (interchange her parts on an as-needed basis as to which role will benefit her most or manipulate others in a given situation or rewritten history).
Years later I am still trying to digest who this person actually was. Upon abandonment she just became this smug, abusive shrew…someone I had never met.
After I committed to no contact I got drive-byes, psycho encounters at traffic lights, and most recently a planned ambush in the supermarket parking lot. (I put my head down, and circled my cart right around her…it’s NO CONTACT). Not easy stuff to do, but she is living with and married to, (I think), the person that she sneakily abandoned me for. She is just playing some self-involved smug game that has something to do with HER…not me. (It’s so hard to really own that…but own it I do, after years of therapy and a self-help group). She does not want me, or miss me or anything that could be misconstrued as remorse or an apology, perhaps, (there was no wrong-doing of any kind on her part. Just ask.). These near encounters are just some kind of selfish attempt to fulfill something in her at, you guessed it, my expense. Yes, that is the reality. I wish that it was anything but that….but slowly, I have let in that this person is mentally ill, and/or extremely emotionally damaged. All I can do is make an attempt to save me from their self-involved, ruthless behavior. She cannot help it. It’s just who she is. Maybe some day I will have the strength to forgive her for that. I pray on it regularly…….

My situation is a bit different… I have had two Narcs in my life – my stepfather and now my sister in law. These relationships obviously have no romantic side to them- but I’m in a unique position by being forced to observe the romantic side of the relationship that my mom dealt with (being a child raised by an unloving and hateful narc is a fate worse than death. Trust me.) and also being forced to interact with my narc sister in law – my hubbys family thinks I need to learn to forgive & forget like a good Christian would…) I am now in therapy due to Complex PTSD from my childhood and I’m actively being triggered by my sis in law … I feel like I cannot get away from it. After going NC with sis in law, she texts her brother (my husband) and draws him back in. She is playing a game of her vs me with my hubby in the middle. Its awful. He’s still under the impression that this is all going to work out. Nope… It won’t.

My therapist calls it “facing the dragon” when you are forced to interact with your narc. Hubby knows the abuse I suffered as a child but he doesn’t see his abusive sister as a Narc. To try to explain how this feels – you can’t put it into words, so how can I convince hubby that I need to be able to enforce NC with his sister for my own sanity? There’s so much pressure from his enabling flying monkey family members. It feels like torture and I feel like a helpless 7 yr old all over again.

My situation is a bit different… I have had two Narcs in my life – my stepfather and now my sister in law. These relationships obviously have no romantic side to them- but I’m in a unique position by being forced to observe the romantic side of the relationship that my mom dealt with (being a child raised by an unloving and hateful narc is a fate worse than death. Trust me.) and also being forced to interact with my narc sister in law – my hubbys family thinks I need to learn to forgive & forget like a good Christian would…) I am now in therapy due to Complex PTSD from my childhood and I’m actively being triggered by my sis in law … I feel like I cannot get away from it.

My therapist calls it “facing the dragon” when you are forced to interact with your narc. Hubby knows the abuse I suffered as a child but he doesn’t see his abusive sister as a Narc. To try to explain how this feels – you can’t put it into words, so how can I convince hubby that I need to be able to enforce NC with his sister for my own sanity? There’s so much pressure from his enabling flying monkey family members. It feels like torture and I feel like a helpless 7 yr old all over again.

Great article, as always. Those narcs and their mobile phones . It’s all about control..

I have had some pretty incredible experiences throughout my life and what a ride it has been so far, my best friend of over 30 years has always said I am one of the strongest people she knows. The experience with my narcissist, a 4yr energy draining, soul crushing, exhausting experience (I now put close to top of my list of devastating experiences) and if I told that best friend of mine today the whole story she would kick my ass for staying, (discarded a over yr ago), as we all know when we tell, “why do u stay”, etc.
“then she began to breathe, and live, and every moment took her to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by. she was in love, but not in love with someone or something, she was in love with her life. and for the first time, in a long time, everything was inspiring”.
I have been forever changed and some days are still challenging, yesterday I could have scratched his and his NS eyes out (she appeared in “our” home a wk after I moved out), of course he wasn’t man enough to make me preeve of NS, devastating as that visual was it really confirmed what my gut knew and explained his actions the previous 4 months. As I said this wasn’t my first rodeo with life changing experiences and the best way I can explain most of them were that outta body thing, ur ears, eyes, mind and heart is short circuited, then we walk around with tunnel vision as the world goes on and we attempt or not to function. All of the different emotions we feel are very real and even though I have the same emotions they hit me differently then in the beginning and what we feel is justifiable, narcissism is a very real abuse and the more we share our stories here with Kim and our fellow survivors it helps our own healing and supports your not crazy. Get out of it any way you have to we believe you and understand. Go NC, got kids take them to a relative when they have to be pkdup, do whatever u have to, gather you thoughts, write down a plan hide it under a rock in the yard if u have to but keep it as quiet as possible if ur in a hostile environment. “Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud”,

I am going through similar no contact, but with my narc parents. It is tempting to try to get the narc to see things from our point of view, we want them to change so badly, but eventually realise that just can’t happen. Great post

Yep answering his text dragged me back into hell
Never again
Blocked for life now!

Hey everybody! NC was a success!!! Now I just think, ” What the hell was I thinking?! :/ I cant even manage to convince myself of the attraction. I don’t care what he is doing, who he is seeing, what he thinks about me, if he does, i couldn’t care less abput him or his life and it’s strange that he was once the center of my universe. Ladies (And Gents) You can do this, nobody said it will be easy but the freedom at the end of it all, is more than worth it!! Good luck with the NC!! Stay strong!!!

I was doing so good on NC. I went a good year with only breaking once or twice. And only gave in then for a day or two. But I gave in a month ago and he is blowing up my phone every day. It’s annoying. But every once in a while it feels like old times – in a good way. But I have been educating myself. And I am getting stronger. I know he is lying to me. And I see how he manipulates what he says to me. I am praying he discards me soon or I get the power to go NC again.
It’s so hard once you break NC. At least now I don’t delude myself that he misses me or loves me. I know better.

I went No Contact more than a year ago. It is very hard. I didn’t left him after 31 years because I didn’t love him anymore, but because I had to save myself. I had to be in contact about the mortgage, but I let it do through a lawyer. And once I send him a very ugly email. It helped, but knowing that any kind of attention is attention to the Narc I stay really on No Contact. After one month on No Contact he found another woman. The love of his life.
That’s hard too. My kids (not his), still were trying to stay in contact with him, but now he sent them a very nasty letter with all the faults he made but turning it around to their faults. That’s what he is. He doesn’t want to see them anymore. Too much to tell. But we all decided not to respond to it. I think, he hopes we will respond. My kids were very shocked about the letter. But I am happy. Now they know how he really is and I don’t have to say anymore: I don’t want to hear a thing about him unless he’s dead. Because we all have to behave like they are dead. That’s the best way.

The two most comforting things happened to me today….I googled “how to get an ex to leave you alone” and found subsequent info narrowing it down to quitting a narcissist. I was like omg, that’s what I need, right there! That’s #1, finding your article. And #2, is seeing that you respond to people, as recently as 2 days ago. A friend of mine mentioned (a month or so ago) that my ex might be narcissistic and after a little research, I found that to be so for the most part. I believe there are other things in play but narcissism is the dominant quality. I’m glad to know I’m headed in the right direction. Even before reading your article, I already had no contact in full swing. I changed my phone number bc he’s the type that will keep calling 20-30 times in a row and after he sent an email saying he missed me, I blocked his email. But I got weak and unblocked it and later found I became addicted to checking to see if he sent anymore. Your article helped strengthen my resolve and take the next step.. deleting my email accounts. That is no easy feat as soooo much is connected to that damn email but its necessary for my success and survival. Thank you.

I live in a very small town, and we have a 5 year old that we have co parented, 50/50 visitation, for the last three months since our breakup. 10 blocks separate us. I have become a psycho, a stalker, a manipulator. I have felt suicidal, homicidal, and unable to perform daily tasks because of the need spy to see if he is lying. Even if I catch him in a lie it gets turned back on me because i would not have proof unless I was “stalking” him and being a “crazy bitch.” No contact is impossible here. We see each other at the store, the bank, the school. I am going insane trying to prove to him that I am not all these things he keeps telling I am. We have one counseling center, I go to monthly sessions, but I have begged for some kind of counseling “boot camp” to no avail. every one of the three Ive attended I have insisted that I need more, been told they would save extra dates and been handed a card for return in 1 month. Ive been left with no money to put gas in my car to go and sometimes I have to walk.I have no Idea how to do no contact in this situation and even if I was told how, I need support to refocus every couple of days for a little while. I’m lost, I’m being a horrible mother, all my friends are exhausted… I feel like I’m losing my mind…

You absolutely cannot let yourself go back into that energy unless you’re sure that you’re in a place where you will not get sucked back in. I say that because I did have one final phone call which was a gift to me from the Universe. Somehow, I had finally and totally detached and I was able to listen from a place of some kind of outside observer and in those moments I was able to see the dark, empty shell that this man is. All of my ideas that maybe he wasn’t “as bad as I thought” were put to rest. He casually said things that were appalling and because I didn’t respond (but to his ears, I seemed accepting) he must have felt comfortable enough to continue with what he was saying…….and I glimpsed his soul…..or lack of it, perhaps. From that day forward, I lost each and every single thought about “maybe he’s a good man and I misunderstood” kind of crap and I saw him for who he is and I lost every ounce, every last tiny drop, of desire to ever see or speak to him again. But…….I caution you this……it took several years to get to this place. When you are newly out of the relationship, it is all too easy for them to make you think they care and suck you right back into the cycle of despair that they are so famous for.

I didn’t see, that my other reply is already there.

I wrote a long comment, but I lost it because of WordPress.com. I can rely to all the things above and the next post about emailing the Narc. After No Contact for almost three quarter of a year I was so triggered by the things he did and also the new woman who told things about me, I wrote a not so nice email to him. Well it was the only and last one after the No Contact thing. He threatened, he would send it to his ‘friends’ (which ones?), but I wrote something’s in the email, that would place him in a very bad position. I was not so stupid. But did it help? I think not, but it is all because of you being a normal human being and you cannot accept, you will never get a answer.

Your timing is beautiful. Your respected and admired for your education to those suffering from these vile creatures. NO CONTACT IS YOUR ONLY WAY TO END THE NIGHTMARE ? remember the mask always falls off.

I fell asleep with him in my room and woke up to police arresting me for failure to appear on criminal charges he filed for violating PO he got ex parte against me but gave wrong address so I never got served. $500 to bond out of jail & all I did was let him come tell me how much he missed me. What a nightmare. Now I am in criminal court? I’ve never hurt a bug! Then he shows up at my work a week later!

I can remember endlessly mentally trying to find just the right words to explain to him and make him understand how he had devastated my life. It was as if I thought that I could make him understand and a light would go on for him and somehow that might fix him. Why didn’t it occur to me to ask, “Why would I want a person that I even had to explain such things to?!?” I must have thought I needed him to validate my experience!! Not good, and also, not true. Eventually, I was ashamed for him, for being who and what he was. His opinions on nothing mattered. He no longer quite met my standard for what it was to truly be human. Life could be worse, what if I were to look into a mirror and see his face with those cold eyes looking back at me, and call that ‘self.’

A bit later I was in a relationship with a pathological liar with no conscience, (for the last time ever) I had the police remove him. As he was about to enter his car, he shouted back, “I’ll call you!!” I told him, “NO, you are already in my past!” He called 35 times in the next couple of hours. It was dawn before I could put the phone in the cradle without it ringing. No contact is very, very good, it gives them what they hate most, and that is that they don’t matter to you anymore.

I respond to this post and the next one about the Email Tsunami’s. I left the relationship with my ex after 31 years. After 3 months we had contact again. That last for about a half year. Then he totally got back his old behaviors and I went in ‘No Contact’. But that was not so simple as it sounds. We all know. Because when he realized I wouldn’t come back, he found another woman. He introduced her to my grownup kids and granddaughter, my aunt of 86 and some other family. He invited them to come over for a BBQ. It was within two months after me going on No Contact. Then he started telling my family about the woman. She had many encounters with the police, she yelled at him, she followed him on vacation etc. all things I didn’t do. Maybe stupid, that I have heard off those things. Then I had to get back my stuff and the mortgage on the house should be changed. He didn’t respond. It made me mad. Then all of a sudden, I could collect my things. I think, that was because they decided to go to live together. Or she couldn’t bare that my stuff was still there. I told him to get rid of it himself. I found out I didn’t need them anymore and one day I couldn’t get them and the other day I could. So I am not a puppet on a string. Then I tried to change the mortgage. He couldn’t get it in his name. The bank wouldn’t cooperate. Then I made the mistake to send him a very angry email. Told him to get out of my life and that of my children (who could decide that on there own). I stupidly, told him I knew about his new woman. I got back an email, that they laughed a lot about that and that she would go to the police to tell them what I’ve said and that they would send my email to all his friends. In the end they didn’t, because I mentioned something’s in it, that he doesn’t want his friends to know. So I was not that stupid. It was the only and last email I will ever send. The mortgage was taken care of by a lawyer, but he send him the email I wrote. I was really ashamed, but I am over it now. After all the good thing is, the new woman doesn’t want him to see my kids and granddaughter anymore. So he does what she says. He does a lot of things she said. That doesn’t mean that me and my children do understand how it is possible, after 33 years, he doesn’t want to have contact with them anymore. But that is how he is. He could jump into another relationship to another without any remorse. I knew it all the time I was with him, because I saw him do that to his family, ‘friends’, staff. How on earth could I think, he wouldn’t do this to us.

We were together 20years before he left. I wish I could go no contact but we have a 5year old…so difficult to have to see him every week. Kills me to even say hi and he’s so fine with it.

Andy – May 30, 2015

Just to give you a sense of the type of behavior my narcicissistic partner ( we lived together for 7 years) exhibited. following cancer surgery I had a few years ago, while I was going through 3 months of radiation therapy ( which was preceded by 4 weeks of chemotherapy) she decided she was ” tired’ and decided that she needed a vacation in the Caribbean. No sane person would exhibit such behavior – but as with many things she was able to justify the unjustifiable. The relationship ended about a year ago – but she still sends me idiotic books form amazon, e-mails – by getting new addresses at g mail when I block her address and lovely birthday cards with loving quotes. The temptation to respond is almost overwhelming – even a year later – and the desire to send her a blistering e-mail is huge. But NCP is the only way to proceed. Otherwise I, and others like me, will be sucked back into the morass that it took so long to get out of. So follow Kim’s advice – draft a blistering e0mail – leave it in the draft folder and then have a glass of wine. Oscar Wilde was right – living well is the best revenge – and there are a lot of nice people out there – just be careful – because predators like the one I lived with can smell us kind and loving folks from miles away.

everything SO SO SO TRUE mentioned in the article. One wrong move , reply to his text, and it is a death sentence

everything in this article is SO SO TRUE.. that one text ruins it all. we start going downhill, first emotionally than mentally which disable us to focus which than makes our life miserable thus the effects mentioned in this article. ugh these men need to migrate to SPACE where we can live in PEACE!!!!!

NO CONTACT is the way to go!! Healing will come when the source of the wounds is cut off.

thanks Kim.
I have been no contact with my ex now for 18 months. The longest I have gone. I blocked him completely this time. I never did before. The last time we got back together it was because of one text. One text of him telling me he missed me and was in love with me. I fell for it only to be hurt beyond words. Cheating and lying. I confronted him and it was more lies. Ad-hoc lies. Finally I decided that I had had enough of the hurt and humiliation. Besides I was so concerned about my children (not his) seeing me crying and sad. So I picked up the rest of my dignity and told him bye. Yesterday one of my friends told me he bought a house. I was nosy so I looked on his FB page. He is still single in his big house, probably dating someone. But as usual no sign of a relationship on his FB page just as he did me. Kept that separate because FB was his hunting ground. Anyway. I felt sorry for him in a way but so relieved that I was not with him. I would have been miserable. Nothing would have changed. He would have still been cheating and lying. I will block him again tomorrow. FB won’t let me do it till 2 days after unblocked him. A few months ago I would have fallen to pieces seeing that he moved on and bought a house without me. He was more than likely lying when he said we would buy one together. Anyway not my problem anymore. I have peace and I know that its better for me to be single and happy than be in a faux relationship and sad.

Right on time Kim.. As usual. You are a blessing. Thank you!

Oh wow I’ve been doing No Response but I still have crippling anxiety every time my phone beeps. I know I have to go full No Contact but I always feel like I’m overreacting. Your story could be mine, Kim. Thank you for putting this into perspective so clearly and eloquently. I’m sorry that happened to you. I need to choose me 100 percent and not the 50 I’ve been fooling myself that I can handle. I don’t want or need the anticipatory anxiety. I don’t why I’ve chosen that road for this long. It’s only slowed my recovery. Thank you thank you thank you!

Three years after blocking phone, texts, and emails it is only infrequent (2-4 times a year) postal mail that I get and only open it on my lawyer’s advice because the ex still owes me money. That gets passed on to my lawyer unanswered. He’s not supposed to mail me directly, but he is evidently unable to follow that. He is still trying to control and manipulate. The last letter I was tempted to answer, only to tell him his claims were absurd and to that he creates his own dilemmas. So I wrote down what I would respond if I could, and took it to my dv counselor and discussed it there, confidentially in a safe place. That’s how I handle it.

It is really difficult and it sucks. I even wrote a post last week about the withdrawal symptoms. I’m an addict and he was my drug.

If anyone has any advice on how they finally succeeded at NC I would appreciate it. I try and fall of the wagon. I miss the good times…he was an altruistic narcissist and I am so very lonely . He was my best friend. The depression and sadness is overwhelming, yet he has moved on … Found another narcissism supply… and I am stuck. All and any suggestions appreciated. I have no will power and get a few hours of relief if he simply responds to an email….I know, I sound pathetic. Thank you in advance!

Yes, yes, yes, yes and… YES! No Contact is the only tried and true way. It saved my sanity and my life.
I equate it to quitting smoking (which I did). Cold Turkey is bloody awful and hard but that nicotine is out of your system in 72 hours, the rest is behaviour modification, The Patch, on the other hand, keeps you hooked with that tiny, little bit of the high.
Great article as always Kim, hope you and yours are doing well. K~xx

OMG! I’m going through that scenario right now. I needed this. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever recover…….

How can you make a post about a text ruining your life without saying what the text said?