how to get rid of a narcissist

How to Get Rid of a Narcissist Who Won’t Leave You Alone

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Have you been in a situation where you wondered how to get rid of a narcissist, but it felt like no matter what you did, you just couldn’t escape their toxic stronghold?

Did you experience the never-ending Hoover where they wouldn’t stop calling you, having flowers delivered, checking out your Facebook page, or even stopping by your place unannounced?

Before you knew it, they were contacting your friends, your family, or even your boss to “ask about you”?

Or, maybe you’re in the middle of a custody battle and it seems the three-ring circus will go on forevermore?

To make matters worse, you keep reading about other people who have already left their toxic partners and seem to be living in Dreamland, while you feel utterly powerless to do anything about your own situation?

The first days of trying to maintain No Contact can seem impossible.  It feels like you’re faced with an all-consuming life sentence and feel completely ill-equipped and unprepared to deal with it.  You’re wracked with anxiety, guilt, and fear and you feel like one more encounter with the narcissist will push you over the edge into La La Land.

You wonder… is freedom in the cards for me, or am I doomed to a life of emotional slavery?

And if freedom is possible, what do I need to do to get it?

Today, I answer those questions for you. Normally, what feels like an impossible situation involves seeing things from a different perspective and realizing that you have way more power than you give yourself credit for.  Much of what seems like the narcissist having complete control over your life involves making practical adjustments and cutting out various forms of self-sabotage that keep you entwined with the narcissist.

How to Get Rid of a Narcissist in 6 Steps

Technically, there are hundreds of ways, but I’ll give you the six most common ones I’ve seen work in the real world.

1 – Block the Narcissist from being able to call

This may seem obvious, but I’ve seen it thousands of times on recovery forums and the comment sections on various blogs.  People are frustrated because the narcissist texted them or left a voicemail, and won’t leave them alone when they’ve made it clear to the narcissist they want to end things. 

This approach leaves all the power in the narcissist’s hands. 

If the narcissist can contact you, you haven’t gone No Contact.  No Contact involves more than simply not calling them or not responding to their texts and voicemails.  That’s No Response and as long as the narcissist has a way to get in touch with you at will, it will be impossible to move on.  You cannot take a passive stand when it comes to getting rid of the narcissist. 

If you haven’t blocked the narcissist’s phone number, then it’s an indicator, conscious or unconscious, that you aren’t yet serious about ending the relationship.  Maybe you secretly hold out hope they’ll finally change or, at the very least, let you know how sorry they are.   Sadly, neither of those outcomes will ever happen – even if they do apologize, it’s all a smokescreen…as you’ll discover should you make the choice to remain No Response.

2 – Change your cell phone number if necessary

Maybe you have blocked the narcissist, but now they’ve resorted to calling you from different, blocked, or unknown numbers.  In this case, you’re going to need to up the ante. 

It won’t be convenient and it probably feels like the equivalent of having to go to a 15-panel job interview, but if the narcissist has started calling you from different numbers, you’ll need to change your cell phone number – even if you share kids and even if you use your number for work.

If you share custody of your children with your Ex, not sharing your cell phone number with them is part of the Extreme Modified Contact approach.  Allow them access to your landline, instead.  If you don’t have one, obtain one and then change your cell phone number.

In the case of using your number for work, it’s really not as hard as you might think.  I’ve changed mine a few times, even though I use my number for work.  

This step is critical because it’s easy to mistake the narcissist’s attempts to contact you as meaning they miss you when in reality, they only want your energy.  This energy may be positive or negative, it doesn’t matter.  To the narcissist, they’re equally fulfilling.  In fact, they often enjoy negative energy more.  This is what is meant by emotional vampirism.  

You can stop leaking your energy to them- which drains you and makes them feel energized – by blocking them completely. 

3 – Don’t engage if they stop by your place

If you really want to make a point and show the narcissist that you’ve taken your power back, then the only approach to achieve this is to not engage if they show up – especially if they stop by your place unannounced. 

A normal person would realize that if they’ve been blocked from contacting you, then you are serious about moving forward without them…and they would accept it and move forward, too.

Not narcissists.  Like a jungle cat chasing down a young antelope, they often do not give up at the mere blocking of cell phone access.  Do not mistake them showing up as their having had an epiphany and realizing the depth of pain they’ve caused – even if they’re holding flowers or begging. 

In fact, if they try to engage with you, their intention is to cause more damage and trauma because they intuitively understand that this is how they can keep you hooked. 

  • Avoid trying to explain and defend.  This will only lead to a hamster-wheel conversation that leads to nowhere – except emotional collapse on your part. 
  • Mark any packages or flowers that are delivered as “Refused” or “Return to Sender”
  • Don’t mistake packages or flowers as a token of regret or of missing you.  That’s exactly what the narcissist counts on.  In other words, tears + acting and flowers = prop.  Trust me on this.
  • Keep in mind that a restraining order may be necessary.

4 – Release the need to “do something”

Chances are, you’ve been obsessing about writing the narcissist a letter, sharing your discovery of their disorder with them, contacting their spouse or their side-supply, outing them to the public, suggesting couple’s therapy, telling them you’re seeing a therapist or coach because of them, agreeing to “just be friends” or any and all variations of trying to force an outcome. 

We’ve been taught as a society that we can achieve the impossible if we just don’t give up.  While this may be true in many cases, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, following this advice will lead to your complete and utter downfall.  No amount of counseling, religion, or herculean efforts on your part will change the outcome.  Not because you lack skills or cannot affect positive change in your life, but because you are dealing with a narcissist.  When you finally stop trying to help, pursue, or change someone else – especially someone who doesn’t want to change – you will, ironically, feel more powerful. 

5 – Find your Rock of Gibraltar

Many people don’t realize that the reason they feel so insecure and needy after going No Contact is that they have an insecure attachment style, which manifests as open, raw emotional wounding, as well as crippling feelings of abandonment and rejection in the wake of narcissistic abuse. 

People with insecure attachment styles focus intently on keeping their partners close, at the expense of their own interests and even their own values.  This partly explains why narcissistic abuse victims cave into demands such as having three-ways or agreeing to work and pay all the bills while the narcissist frolics and plays with their other supply sources. 

This happens because they’re desperately trying to attach to the narcissist, which only leads to more feelings of primal panic.  The only way to counteract this feeling is to find an emotionally available attachment figure after you’ve initiated No Contact.  This might be a friend, family member, therapist, coach, or God – in other words, someone who can be your Rock of Gibraltar…at least during your initial months of No Contact.  (avoid well-meaning, but unhelpful people who tell you to just get over it or insist on asking you why you can’t just leave already).

6 – Renounce the power of the Narcissist

This sixth step is perhaps the most important of all.  It is designed to reverse the impact of your perceived abandonment by questioning the credibility and importance of the narcissist.  Revoke the power you’ve given them by looking closely at his or her integrity.  This involves a transition from idealizing the narcissist to making a realistic assessment of their actual importance.

For example, why would you let the narcissist dictate whether or not you’re desirable/attractive/ worthy/important when you know they’re a pathological liar? 

Why take to heart their seemingly “heartfelt” last email or letter explaining all the reasons they can’t be with you when, in reality, they know you will take the blame on your shoulders and the letter is simply their way of justifying their bailing on you for the new supply (who they’ll immediately triangulate with you, by the way)?

Why feel guilty and inefficient when they point out how you “weren’t capable” of being able to work 12- hour days, plus keep up the house, make homemade meals, keep up with all the anniversaries and birthdays of your relatives when all the narcissist did was plant their butt on the couch, eating pizza, and binging on Netflix (or porn) for weeks on end?

Why poo-poo other peoples’ praiseful comments about your attractiveness, accomplishments, creativity, and grit, but then internalize the narcissist’s self-serving (and FALSE) criticisms?

You may be getting it now…yes, the narcissist is simply a colossal dud in disguise and they’ve tried their darnedest to keep you from seeing it by tearing down your self-esteem.  What kind of human being does that?  Those who are Cowards and Washouts.

It definitely hurts when someone you love seems to reject you. but you must remember that narcissists play on your fear of abandonment to keep you in their snare, while at the same time, causing you to put them on a pedestal.  

It’s time to knock them off the pedestal and see them for who they really are.  

If this article resonates with you and you know it’s time to stop the chaos, end the mental torture, and begin healing your life, then I’d love for you to join us in our Inner Circle by claiming your free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap.

You can .

If you’re ready to go deeper and change your life right NOW (or become an Empowered Empath), I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.

I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.

Learn more here!

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Gingerich Botty Gingerich says November 29, 2021

I’d say something else about a you tube user named: JAN on you tube, since more than two years ago, or for the last two years or more, but: that just keeps JAN on you tube, hanging on and hanging around in the background of my life continually since then, and just keeps her JAN thinking or assuming that she JAN, can continue to own me in the background, of the rest of the internet, as well as you tube also, though she JAN rudely chased me off of you tube in fall and summer of 2019, because I called her out on her mean online ways of others and me too, and she’ll just keep going with it, because she’s a possessive little online attention seeking freak, and I just want to be done with IT or HER since then, forwards and backwards and sidewards and waywards ALL!!! I’m tired of being obsessed with HER or IT JAN on you tube now for awhile now, and JAN types know that you continue to watch them and their online stuff, because JAN types keep the door open, for you to look, even once JAN types tell you to go freak off, and never ever never contact them again!!! because: JAN types on you tube, need constant attention ongoing!!! it’ll never really end or quit for JAN on you tube, because SHE or IT need the attention!!!!! JAN WHO???????

courtney says February 15, 2021

i \needt make this person gone i dontwant them gonebutunableto do harm to others

Hans says July 12, 2020

Hey Kim,

Mysteriously most of your commenters are women. I’ve seen a lot of narcissistic women in my life but it seems modern world hail female narcissists. Whatever, in my university there are quite a few narcissists and one of them tried to get me! I come from a family of an abusive father and a dependent mother; my father is a classic overt narcissist; someone like Donald Trump. So the Narcissistic girl tried to talk to me and thankfully I ignored her. When I checked her Facebook profile, I saw she wants a man completely dependent on her, she wants a slave. But I’m already experienced, she doesn’t know it. Looking forward to give her a strong lesson…

Carol M Rafferty says April 28, 2020

The narc, in my life is pulling everything you can think of. He went as far as hiring someone to snuff me out. Discredit me & got me 302. He hired a protective investigator, but not to protect, but to stop my complaint against identity theft. She had 6 police records. Too late, I already got my $3,000 back. He got my joint acct away from me, which is illegal in the state of Pa. He is telling me, the rent was paid two & a half weeks ago, but the office told me it wasn’t. I was told, to get rid of all his belongings, which I have been doing, because he is using bad energy to harm me. Once a phone cord that wasn’t that near me, acted liked a snake restricting. The more I tried to get out of it, the worse it got. The office management was right there & she told me, “Don’t move” & got help. One of many. My cell phone, just fell, by itself & landed in water. He is in prison & he is doing proxy, recruiting, & hiring, family & friends almost everyday. A police officer told me to report him to the Mass police. He has tried to end my life many times. Some people believe me & some don’t. A 30 year old battle, because no one believed me. Our granddaughter reported him & just like that, he was put in prison. She joined the marines to get away from him. Told a police officer that & he was mighty impressed. I had many break ins. My office was repeatedly thrown around & it still looks like a cyclone hit it. The last time, my medicines were stolen. It isn’t just him. I know of, at least 6 & know, there is more.

Ange says April 26, 2020

Hi Kim Hope you can answer below how do you go no contact if you have loving family members that narc try to use as flying monkeys?

Courtney says April 8, 2020

He put me down everyday. He would say things under his breath. He’d look at me with a evil-ish smirk. Ive never been through so much verbal, mental & emotional abuse in my life. He really did ruin my life. I eventually started looking all this up. He was a Narc! It was crazy that every single thing I had read matched him to the T. To be honest, it was scary. Finally, I started defending myself and he hated it. I felt like I really was addicted to him. My emotions were based off his. It was terrible. I had low self esteem, no confidence. I felt like I wasnt even living anymore, like I was just there for him to talk down to. I was his punching bag. When we moved out the apartment, I felt like that was my getaway. Yet, he still managed to have that control over me. I started noticing even more suspicious behavior. Every time I confronted him, he through his little tantrums and flip it on me. Recently, I called him and he got so mad that I had done so. He was literally flipping out on me. Today, I finally decided to end things and go No Contact. He’s been blocked for a couple of hours, and I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I have a tough road ahead, but all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know I can do it now.

BotchedPatsy says March 29, 2020

I’d really have to leave the country to escape the one that’s been hounding me for the last two years. Can’t go to the police because I can’t prove anything. The bitch never has to do anything herself, she’s got people for that. There really isn’t a lot for options. Oh well, I’ll tolerate the misery until it’s gone.

[email protected] says March 25, 2020

I had to walk away from the support group I was involved with and one of the people in the group needed me to be there as there was only two of us running the enterprise for 4 years. IN order to walk away I set a date on which I was going to leave, let them know in advance. I did not put up with bullshit or temper tantrums, being firm and fair and I would not put up with gaslighting. Be a boss, be strong, no victim mentality or us and them nonsense. I said that I wanted to leave on good terms, all transactions were cordial though it was a drain to deal with the situation. Now I am on the other side, yay.


Sapphyreopal5 says January 29, 2020

What if the narcissist is your child’s father, and you HAVE to keep in contact? Courts refused to give me sole custody or at least more than 50/50, yet always keeps our child at his parents’ house because “he always works doubles”. He’s angry because he was arrested for assaulting me, and always accuses me of “falsifying charges” based on how I hit him back in retaliation (oops, courts don’t like us fighting back ever). Case was dropped bc apparently if you ever fight back and not just let them keep hitting you with nothing in return, inexperienced prosecutors are less willing to pursue a case. Now I’m stuck with him tormenting me every other day and violating the “mutual restraining order” and not abiding by the custody exchange rule in our custody agreement. These assholes can’t abide by the rules yet threaten to call the cops and use your depression and small mistakes you make against you. No room for error with these assholes who break all the rules and then threaten you and even sabotage your property if you dare challenge them. Will the suffering ever end?

Anonymous says January 12, 2020

Thank you. Thank you for your support.

Theresa says January 8, 2020

I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. 2 years ago he died from liver cancer 2 weeks after diagnosis. I didn’t realize there was a name for his abusive personality until afterwards. But since that time I have nightmares about him, where arguments end up a scream fest and I am feeling the actual torment all over again! He is still playing head games from beyond. Is there any hope for me to break his hold?

Michelle says January 8, 2020

“COLOSSAL DUD” indeed … Perfect description of this charming man who has nothing but misery behind the mask. These kind of “key words” are comical when dealing with such a negative situation. Love it.

Sherry L Gatlin says January 8, 2020

I have done all of the above. What hurts the most is that I forgave him for one affair he kept a secret for a year and a half. He is military and now I know why he got away with his many secretive affairs. Three of us were engaged to him at the same time for three years. I was the only one he brought around family as his kids told me. I waited for him to come back from overseas as we were to be married when he came back and move into a home we chose together. He came back to retire. He is age 57. He started ghosting me every weekend but wanted to see me during the week. He came back in May of last year. I found out he came back to a 30 year old, moved her in, and was still trying to talk by text like we were just friends, like nothing ever happened. He married her after just 4 months. I am still devastated and feel so ugly, old, and unattractive now. He had all of us sending him gifts oversaw the whole time. He chose the youngest tall beautiful blonde. I have gone no contact since August. I removed myself from social media too. Happy retirement with the love of his life. The only person I am angry with is me for allowing him to keep manipulating me after trying to go no contact. He came back for revenge, blaming me for running into the arms of the younger woman. I pray for her daily or maybe he really will stay with her in his Golden years and retirement. Can’t believed he used so many good women to get him to retirement. I am beside myself but glad I went no contact.

Geraldine says January 8, 2020

I am so glad that the UK are bringing the following as being against the law this year: FINALLY!! 1. Sharing sexually explicit images of a partner 2. Restricting access to finances 3. Putting you down 4. Stopping a partner from seeing friends or family 5. Scaring you 6. Threatening to reveal private things about you 7. Putting tracking devices on your phone 8. Being extremely jealous 9. Forcing you to obey their rules 10. Controlling what you wear

Tricia says January 7, 2020

Have you had a narcissist that is suicidal and depressed? It seems everything is still my fault of course but worried about the suicidal part?

Raquel Young says January 1, 2020

He hurts me in every way he hurts my feelings he says I deserve ever thing that’s what I get he says I whine pouting and complaining to much . I have done ever thing for billed his bills cleaned house. painted his house , Walter hurts me ever other day he has a lot of women he made feel like shit and all I ever did was take care of him he consistently hurt me he was always right ..he had women in his bed he didn’t care about my feeling he lies about being with other women he has keys to other women house he says those women r his friends /I have been with Walter for 6 years and he dumped because I went face book and found out this women kennisha was at his house I been asking about since we met so now he mean to me and now he says its OVER!!!! THAT REALLY HURTS ME ALL I DID FOR WALTER I FEEL SICK!!!!he doesn’t call me or text anymore Walter puts ever thing on me please help to understand I went back sooo many times I cant do this anymore to much pain cant eat or sleep

Delores Conn says November 20, 2019

I’ve been trying for over a year to get him out of my life.your whole guide.I’ve done plus blocked him showing up are separation
Been divorce for almost a year.can’t get rid.I will change my phone number.and get a protection order.thank you keep writing it helps?

jayne strahm says October 24, 2019

Thanks for the information on how to cut off a person that fits your assessment. I was not sure how to do this….like should I send her a letter, call her, etc.? I decided to cut her off after she insisted that I was being too sensitive when I told her that I was exhausted by her consistent derogatory comments about my self worth. She absolutely crossed the line when she devalued my daughter. She just can’t change what she does not see in herself. This combined with her negative comments about what people are wearing (she only wears designer clothes from New York), the cars that they drive, the makeup they used or possibly the college they attended. I have been friends with her for over 30 years and she has always had these traits but she is now in her 60’s and they have taken over her life. Her consumption of Xanax has tripled in the past two years and she has not become almost bipolar. Bouts of extreme feelings of bliss (which last about an hour or so) to hostile and aggressive behavior. She throws things, screams obscenities, seems totally confused and disoriented and blames this on everyone else that is “distracting her”. So thank you for this article. She has been blocked on social media, cell phone and everywhere in between. The article made me realize that this is exactly what many of our other mutual friends have done. She will ask me, “have you heard from so and so”….of course I always say why instead of yes or no because if it is yes she goes off. Anyway, she would say, Oh they are so unreliable. I got sick of always calling them and not hearing back from them so screw them. I never really but the two and two together because when I get together with them, they just say the are too busy to deal with her. So I have done it and my husband is soooooo happy! He is my support and hope that she finds happiness and help. It just can’t be me anymore.

Leila Deurell says August 3, 2019

Not quite sure if the man I ended a relationship with is a true narc. Close enough!! We had 4 months of e mailing,texting daily . Then we met for a heavy duty relationship dating 4 months. After the 8 month connection I was hooked and he cut it off. He would say once in a while, I want to see you once a month, never why, nor did I ask. Duhh. then told me he never met anyone like me and he loved everything about me. We became friends a year later.I needed closure so I saw him. he was on and off. Not about the relationship but very close and then stops texting or answering questions. he can say, I’ll call ya back in 3 days and it doesn’t happen. he mentions other female friends or maybe one little sentence that is not necessary. I thought he had a lot of healing therapy, he sexually abused his daughters, now he is 72. I saw the good and the healing. I could see the caring when we met. I invited him to come to the seacoast this week to do several things he would think as fun. He used to drive out once and a while and we’d have a great time, sleep in the same bed, no sex. He said NO to the invite . No reason why but with the confused statement, ” sounds like fun tho” of course I have some love for him, the charmer. I am tired of up and down emotions. I can not make people do what I want but it seems to me he would say, I don’t want to drive out, I have other plans, maybe next month or let’s keep the relationship on line. Just NO. even tho a thank you it does seem rude to me. He had just sent me a B’day card signing it love, then his name. The first time in 3 years he signed anything with the word love. Then he sent pics of 3 beautiful ladies with huge hats and said it made him think of me. I am a hat lady. I thought the pics and the work love are hooks to keep me. he writes to one from LA across the country from him, how safe can ya get? I had said about the invite it’s OK just wanted to give you the opportunity to come out here.. My next text was ” we can be occasional friends on media.” In general I am tired of the ups and downs of this so called friendship. I finally snapped. He has arthritis in his knees and feet, seems to have trouble going out for milk, but I am tired of being close and then he disappears. I had enough. He cut off his facebook posts to my page but I can read his posts, 99% political anyways. he could call and say, what’s up. My spiritual side would have written something softer and where he could understand, but he would not understand and it would continue my ups and downs. he aint gonna change. I have not seen him for 9 months because I had 2 coronary arteries replaced in Dec. he was so upset he had chest pain and when he got an appt, he had 3 stents!!! I sound crazy I know. What is wrong with me? I am a very stable woman, want to start a women’s group, was a psyc/addiction nurse. he drives me nuts and then he punishes me by cutting his posts off, altho I can read them on his page. . he did not befriend me. He is a crazy maker. I feel sad, guilty and wonder why I went this route? I am too smart., I have some abandonment issues, but I am too smart to get caught up with this guy for so long. the charm, the great conversations, great sex altho way in the past but such closeness to have him keep drifting away. Close and distant. So I did it. i just did it and of course I think, was I kind enough, I did not explain, I had enough. Enough diversions, enough red herrings, enough discomfort. Enough narcissistic behaviors. i did it,I am too old to continue with this but ai am so uncomfortable. Not pain like when he left me 2 1/2 years ago but such discomfort. He has tried to keep me hooked. I want freedom. Sorry for so many words about a man I was not married to.

Rachel Williams says August 1, 2019

what do you do If you are the owner of a home where the narcissistic
person is living with you and refuse to move out of your house?

    Kim Saeed says August 4, 2019

    It depends on the laws of your state, but in many cases, you would follow the same process as a landlord evicting a tenant.

      J says January 7, 2020

      I was told legal eviction. Make your list of “offenses” long, like why you are evicting – doesn’t pay rent consistently, destroying property, and anything you can think of that is legally binding.

    Anon says January 7, 2020

    I have had to do this twice. With the Ex – I got a separation agreement with my lawyer, paid the Ex out for his share of the house (& a lot more than he was owed, unfortunately) and then organized him (did everything) to buy another house. He overstayed by 4 months and I lastly threatened to call the police & he finally left. It took me 8 years to finally stick to the breakup & not go back. With the violent boarder, I served him with a trespass order to leave my property and while I served him, I had several of my friends there in case he kicked off. He left.

Karen says July 20, 2019

I’ve known for years that he is a big time NARCISSIST.. everything you’ve mentioned is on point.
Seems as though every two years I kick him out or he moves out. I’ve seen many text messages from many different women. When I confront him, he said “ look I’m deleting them!” .
And sure enough we’re back to the vicious cycle of toxic waste.
He’s the most selfish person ever. He uses me for Everything.
His mind is super sick and twisted.
He’s hit, punched, pulled my hair, thrown things, called me nasty names and lies straight into my eyes. He keeps his business to himself.
I feel depleted and depressed. He was my first true love.
I pray for a fast recovery and strength.

Shanele says July 2, 2019

Your steps and messaging are powerful. It has been a long horrible 8 years. I couldn’t see a way out but now I do.

    Kim Saeed says July 5, 2019

    So glad to know you see a way out now, Shanele!

    Kim XoXo

Jan says February 27, 2019

Your articles are very helpful and I have been out of the toxic narcissistic for 6 months. However, he continues to hoover me. I have implimented no contact completely from the start and had even had to get restraining order but he still hoovers me from a distance, drives by my street, behind me on the road to work etc. That is trauma and stress that I am still dealing with. I have accepted the relationship abuse and moved on from it, now it’s the after relationship intimidation and hoovering that is taking a toll on me. Any advice or suggestions on how to deal with this in a healthy manner would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again for all the other great help you provide.

Jil says February 26, 2019

Is it possible to go no contact if your still residing in the same house. ( Married). And one child

Shirley says February 24, 2019

Love the encouragement and practical advice!

Sheryl says February 24, 2019

I have recently started realizing the man I have been with for 18 years is a narcissist and doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He never really ever showed genuine compassion or empathy no matter what was happening in my life. I lost my younger brother in a horrible wreck, we were very close, but the narcissist went and cheated on me 7 days after I lost my brother. I had just started reading about narcissism when in October 5th of 2018 I had a massive heart attack, I came very close to dying. When my sister messaged him to let him know he responded with, I’m not feeling well I’m going to the doctor. He never came that day, the next day he got up and went to a car show before finally coming to the hospital. I told him how it made me feel like I was nothing to him and that I felt like he owed me an apology for basically abandoning me while I almost died. He said well that’s not going to happen. I was crushed. So the only thing that “saved” me is that my mom passed in December 2017, which left my dad alone, and he needed someone to come move in with him. No one else stepped up so I did. I have been living at my dad’s full time for about 6 months now, the narcissist and I do talk still due to some combined property that I would lose, such as all the pictures of my son in a storage unit that I don’t have access to. But the longer I’m away from him the less I want to see or talk to him. I am working on Rock of Gibraltar right now. I have a therapist I’ve been seeing since my mom passed and she is great I love her. And I am starting to find community programs doing art, writing, women’s support groups and meeting alot of very supportive women. It is really helping me. Also about writing them a letter, what I have done is write a letter to him saying everything I want to say to him, then I rip it up and throw it out. I want to thank you for your work and help you give to those of us struggling. I enjoy reading your articles, they really make me think and see even more of these traits he always displayed in our relationship. I can’t and won’t go back. I believe everything happens for a reason, I see my mom’s death as the catalyst for me getting away.

Meg Barnes says February 24, 2019

Amazing Kim, just what I needed right now. It’s not like I don’t already know all this, and most days I can believe it, but some days I am just SO sad (although in the plus side, for anyone who believes it will never happen, I also now have many very happy days!). Today was a sad day, and they’re always the danger days, the days I want to unblock the number just for a while, just in case, etc, etc. So a very brilliant timely reminder to me, can’t thank you enough for all you do for us. xxx

Kyle says February 24, 2019

So sad, the DA as I and my friends know him. Knocked on my door. When I got there he had already sprinted to his vehicle and left. He had left a bakery bag with my favorite donut. Well I trashed the donut and just thought really? Do you think a donut would do? Kim I thankyou for all of your advice. It has been over two years since I filed and DA moved out. I still have nightmares of being lost, but I wake and tell myself I am safer than I have ever been since the past 20 years. A donut WTF?

    irene kucyk says March 2, 2019

    he probably got 3 donuts for the price of 1, bought them before they got thrown out at closing hours – you are well rid of him – hope you you feel great and looking forward to your future.

Mary Berh says February 24, 2019

The end of March will be a year since I exposed my narcissist/sociopath/pathological liar and everyday is a struggle. I don’t feel any closer to feeling better. We have three children together and all he cares about is his money, what he deserves. He doesn’t care about doing the right thing by his famiily. I was married to him for 27 years and with him for 35 years. He was leading a double life with another woman for years possibly my whole marriage but I will never know because he does not communicate with me. A total actor, a fraud who runs from what he has done and tries to rationalize his actions. Costing me a fortune in legal fees which I do not have and I might have to represent myself moving forward.
I am traumatized and need help.
I signed up for your boot camps months ago but didn’t go through the course, I am struggling so much. I appreciate all of your articles…
With gratitude
Mary Beth

Lone ranger says February 24, 2019

This process is doable IF you don’t share children together.

I went no contact with my narc 18 yrs ago…

Poof…adult kid and grandkid probs and narc magically reappears.

He isn’t out front like he used to be w me, he is behind the scenes steering our shared daughter and making a mess out of a custody agreement I had with her.

He is only using daughter and grandson for supply… And when they become too much of an inconvenience he will dump them and leave them worse off than where they started…

I wont help “bail out” adult daughter from another narc delusion. Spent my life trying to rescue her from him… And I’m done.


Soooo over it.

And he doesn’t scare me anymore.

Neener neener Mr little Weiner. Bahahahaha

But I have never successfully rid myaelf of my narc…he disappears for extended periods of time only to find someone to use to get to me….

It’s nice to know I’m so super awesome that he just can’t get over me (joking)


Alex says February 24, 2019

I personally thank u for ur helpful advice may God bless you, alex,kenya

Maria says February 24, 2019

Thank you for this email it has come my way at the exact moment when I needed it.i am glad to know that I am on the right track in desolving the relationship between the Narc and I. Although I still failto stay on track at times because I sometimes fall into the trap of Hope and seeing a glimpse of the
man I thought I fell in love with ,I now am certain he was not real. It saddens me severely because the love we once shared was so strong. Before we began the relationship he and I had an out of body experience where our souls danced together.i never in my life thought possible our eyes connected and we were sucked into a what seemed to be a tunnel ,we traveled deep into that tunnel where there was a bright light and we could feel what delt like our souls dancing around (light bouncing) we spoke to each other we our minds asking each other if we felt what each other was feeling it lasted about. What seemed maybe 3min then we we’re sucked back out and we both cane out if it rubbing our eyes in disbelief of what had just happened.theur was one other person persent when this occurred and she was shocked at what she witnessed,because to us it was as she wasn’t even present. He often brings this up to remind me that we are soulmates ,but I remind him that you don’t treat your soulmate as he does. I will tell you that I am on my way out of the relationship and it has almost been two months him not in my bed . I am working on the rest .thank again for reaching out your videos helpped me so much because I thought I was losing my mind because I just couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong ,but I knew there was something off with him .god bless have a good day .

Monet McIntyre says February 16, 2019

Thank you for sharing your hard earned knowledge with us .

I’ve had a first hand up close personal education in psychopathy ~
my fiancée /husband being the professor .

Also , upon learning from his psychotherapist that my man was clinically diagnosed with ” severe ” NPD, among that a whole laundry list of psychiatric personality disorders ,
( sent special from Satan himself ) ……..
I took to reading everything I could get my hands on .

My brain intellectually understands & comprehends it all ~ however , my HEART❤ is obviously terribly hurt & confused .

My brain & heart have knock down drag out fights over getting rid of this man altogether , for good .

Your article made complete & absolute sense for me .
Now , I just have to force myself to implement your advice & logical suggestions .

None of this is easy .

Carrie says February 4, 2019

Hi Kim,
I left my partner of 14 years just over two years ago. It’s only now that I’m beginning to move on. He moved on immediately – even signing up to a dating up as I was trying to organise rental accommodation for myself and our two children.
I just wanted to say…..thank you! I have worked through your Bootcamp Program and always look forward to your emails.
I honestly have been taking two steps forward then two steps back for the previous two years – but in the past few weeks of very modified contact, I’ve seriously felt a ‘shift’ in how I feel about my ex. I am no longer obsessing about him and his current partner. Something just clicked! I truly believe that without your direction, bootcamp and regular emails that I wouldn’t be feeling the confidence and hope that I feel today. Thanks so much!

    Kim Saeed says February 14, 2019

    Carrie, thank you for your kind praise. I am happy to know the Bootcamp has helped you and even happier that you are healing and feeling better about yourself. I truly wish you all the best as you continue to heal and experience life’s joys.

    Kim XoXo

Anonymous says February 2, 2019

With all the lies, betrayals, twists and turns and straight up daily crazy making that my narc has caused me going no contact was the only option.

It allowed me time to breath and think! The drama settles down a bit and you come out knowing for yourself your narc is a true nutcase!

I believe until you see them for who they really are and accept that they will never change you’ll never be able to truly walk away.

I tried for 3 years to “reason” with him in the hopes that he would confront the issues but not happening! They are a brick
wall. Without break through they can never break free but it doesn’t mean you can’t.

Leave them to themselves and let god take care of the rest. All you can do is pray for them and protect yourself.

Heard a good one…when going no contact or dealing with a narc in your life it’s comparable to waiting for a mafia hit at any time and that sucks but par for the course.

Good luck to you all and stay safe!

    Tatiana says February 12, 2019

    You are right on point, narcissist heads are as bricks, inflexible unreasonable

Anonymous says February 1, 2019

I agree. However, the narc will use his manipulation and, or hovering to try and break you down
For, they are attracted to strong women as an attempt have you surrender your true self to their false self. We are not victims, they are. I speak from being in a 27 year marriage that I broke free from but not without many wounds. My journey is in process, as now needing to end a one year relationship. I found that if my boundaries are violated that is the ticket end and reclaiming them is the ticket out. Best in your self discovery

Martina Boyce says February 1, 2019

I just moved house to the other side of the city after 24 years in my last home. Although I blocked my ‘ex’ in every way possible, he continued to stalk me: unwanted gifts, letters, invitations left on my security gates. I would never have done this, but for him, but I find it very empowering and it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. NO CONTACT!

    Kim Saeed says February 3, 2019

    That’s great news that you are upholding your boundaries! Wishing you all the very best as you continue to heal 🙂

    Kim XoXo

Laura says February 1, 2019

Yours is one of the few sites that resonates. There is no one size fits all. My Narc has been gone almost 3 years. He has not spoken one word to our young adult disabled daughter. Left with no closure. Pays spousal support. A day doesn’t pass that I don’t have negative thoughts of him. I am in therapy, and work on myself. My home of 30 years has been foreclosed on and We are moving in 30 days. I am happier than I have ever been, and am at peace, yet the thoughts persist. It is a battle every day. Without faith in God , I wouldn’t be here.

    Kim Saeed says February 3, 2019

    Laura, I’m glad to know my work helps you and resonates with you.

    The negative thoughts are definitely a battle, though a lot of it is righteous anger. Please continue working on your healing. I wish you all the very best in your new life.

    Kim XoXo

    Tatiana says February 12, 2019

    I made the mistake of making it a point in my life never to have a nice thought of the narcissist again, it was not difficult to do for he went out of his way to basically destroy me as a woman, he started doing this behind my back and besides denying it has never shown a real proof of the contrair, his excuse is that he could not handle my jealousy, because of my suspicions that he was actually dating a woman in our own place of work, go figure. The thing is that I realized that this was making me almost like mentality ill, it became almost addictive to hate him. The harm was only being done to me, he was fine and content apparently. But I actually started healing when I decided to let it be, whatever he was not allowing it to hurt my mind.

Rolando says February 1, 2019

Hello Kim as ever, thank you for your advice direction and mostly hope hope that I will be able to move forward hope I may possibly grasp the horrific dimensions this human damage inflicted on another human being,, you see there in can lie a problem Kim. I believe I’m past this,, its just at the end of the day,, after I become all that I can, as a human soul with restraints I feel that I will look back sadly although with my guard up and hopefully not allowing bitter revenge to weaken my vision and understandings, and maybe this was always an avenue for a narcissistic approach to feed, the real power in me feels sorrow to the once innocent soul, who’s potential can be seen and felt so real, but its a disguise that I will have to learn to forgive from a safe distance

    Kim Saeed says February 3, 2019

    Hi Rolando,

    Thank you for stopping by. I can understand where you are coming from as I used to feel the same way. But please know this…this is not a punishment. I promise you that if you soldier on and work on your healing, you will see that it was all a way to actually help your soul grow. One day you will experience a shift and you will be thankful for the experience. That’s when you’ll know you are truly growing and healing as a human and as a soul.

    Kim XoXo

Pamela says February 1, 2019

Iv been abused most of my life I. A senior now ,was my moms care taker for years unable to get out house much so went online met a guy from uk fogured was safe but we fell in, love except for few times he raged at me I triggered him he’s triggered me with ptsd ,well we worked thru it all been getting along best friends very supportive of me encourages me etc ,yet has a desease can’t tell me if we will ever meet ,I like he won’t lie yet wondering if I should move on and is he a phsychopath the best charming guy Iv ever met or is he for real ,says he’s shy yet he’s always been very charming good with words,like my soul mate ,when I get anxiouse wondering if we will ever meet he get quite didn’t have a word to say cuss thinks I need more than he can say etc ,Iv just list my mom and I need encouragement ,I just don’t know if this is good for me ,plz respond ,than,you

    Kim Saeed says February 3, 2019

    Hi Pamela,

    I can’t really say whether this guy is a narcissist or not, but I can tell you this…long-distance relationships where you never meet in person (especially romantic ones) is a favorite pastime for manipulators. This way, they can feed off of your affection and your energy without ever really sacrificing much from their end. As humans, we need physical touch and connection, you will never get that from this guy.

    Most manipulators are very charming and good with words, able to make you feel a large range of feelings towards them…but, it’s not a real relationship when, at the end of the day, you are alone.

    I know it’s not easy, but I would part ways with him, offer him good wishes, and move on with your life. You are wasting your precious life on a situation that will not improve or change.

    Hugs, Kim XoXo

J. says January 31, 2019

You are so insightful! I have been with my narc. so long and wasted decades on this loser that now what is the point of leaving? I will never get my youthhood back and now I am afraid life for the most part passed me by. I reached out the last 7 years but it is hard even with grown children. Tomorrow, I will wake to fight another day towards freedom but I need a support system. Being disabled doesn’t help any. Lately, I have sought out self help methods like meditation and reading about Buddhism along with your information. My narc is older and I don’t mean to be cold, but just maybe nature will set me free.

Anonymous says January 31, 2019

Hi Kim. I have to reply to your post but I’m scared that if I put my name to this then it will somehow get back to my narcissistic husband or my family who have sided with him.
I am in my 60’s and was marred for 42 years. I always new he was cold hearted , cruel, maniplitve and a pathological liar with no remorse (particularly after receiving some horrific beatings).
I asked him to leave a few months ago was shocked when he agreed to go. However his parting words were that he would do everything in his power to ensure that I would be a lonely old woman with no friends or family. This unfortunately happened but I’m glad to say two family members stuck by me and I thank God for them. I went no contact a few months ago after reading a post from you. I couldn’t believe how accurate your posts are, It’s like you know me inside out. I had never heard of narciisstic abuse but reading your posts it a cord and made me realise im not crazy after all. Your messages and advice has been priceless and although I did not sign up to boot camp I have been reading all your posts. Thank you Kim I could not have done it without your help. I realise I still have a long road in front of me but at least I’m on the road to recovery. God Bless you Kim. X

Frankie says January 31, 2019

It’s been two years this February that I went no contact. There were two times in those two years that I heard from him. I had to reblock and not engage. I must admit, very few days go by that he doesn’t cross my mind, he still haunts my dreams, but the physical, gut wrenching pain is gone. I look forward to the days that I don’t think of him at all. Thank you Kim, for your brutal truths and insightful articles about narcissism. Most of all, thank you for helping the light come back in to what once seemed like total darkness. I am grateful to have gotten out.


Anonymous says November 27, 2018

In middle of divorce with 2 young children and no contact is not an option. It is necessary for transitions and child schedules. They will not use family wizard because it guarantees no contact and a third party. I am living alone and safe so that is good but the children take on her traits when they are with her.

    Brian Barnes says February 5, 2019

    Hi I am in the same boat as you
    Stay strong, kind and gentle, especially for you and the kids!

Norris says November 25, 2018

I want to rid my brother from my life, to get back the peace that I have lost for the end of this decade, that will even do better for my mother. I want to rid that narcissist from my life for all times.

Anjali says October 9, 2018

Can you please help me too. I have a friend who is a narcissist. She is exploiting me financially, torturing me mentally and makes me feel worthless all the time. She makes me believe that I cannot survive without her. I am living away from my family and she has come to join me. Though she is not earning and spend most of her time at home, whenever I am at home, we end up fighting. She tries to control me in every possible way by restricting my calls to my family and outside world. I am losing interest in work and my life and have told her several times to leave but she starts physically abusing me and I out of fear give in to pressure. My parents are not aware of all this as I did not share with them intentionally. I asked her sister to call her back but even she did not respond. Life has turned stressful and feel like running away.

Cynthia says September 12, 2018

Great article. Wish there were more options.

Tract says August 14, 2018

True thank u❤️

Kim says August 13, 2018

I left a horrible marriage with a very abusive and narcissistic man and after being tortured, cheated on, ran over by a big truck… to be disabled for life. I fell in love with a college sweetheart. WRONG IDEA, he wasn’t much better although he wasn’t physically abusive narssasitic he was 100% after a 2 plus year relationship I’ve broke free. He is now destroying friendships, threatening to expose my body to the Internet, trashed my porch broke things… all because I went no contact.. by blocking calls and social media unfortunately I can’t block texts so I still can see them. He is destroying friendship’s that I’ve build in a new state that mention the world to me and my daughters and causing so much pain. His problem is alcohol and much more I think ?? In my arms he doesn’t think act that way but always wants me to himself even over my children not going to happen been there done that. Won’t do it again. No amount of lobe is worth loosing my children over. I almost felt stuck again. But day by day and these emails help… I’m just feel a fool to fall for it twice where is my real happy ??? Hurt heattbroken and foolish. Guess I have a lot to learn thank you for what you share.

An says August 12, 2018

Hallo Kim,
I want to ask something. When you think about going no contact will you say that to them? That you don’t want contact anymore and then block them?

I wrote one time earlier about my best friend with i have bad feelings about. He has a girlfriend and he does not want her to sport with her male friend so she said then i does not want that you go for a walk or lunch with your female friend. Now he said to me that he cannot see me anymore only call or app.
But that he still will be there for me and so on. He often lies to me and said a couple of monthes earlier that he doesnot want that his girlfriend go for a walk or lunch with a male friend so that he could not see me anymore. But then after a while he asked me to go for a walk in the wood. Very confusing.
Now he does it again. Now he says that he has no problem when she would go for a walk or lunch but not want her to sport with a friend. So he changed his ideas.
I don’t know what to do. It is not how i think about friendship. It hurts.
I think about no contact because i don’t trust him anymore i feel.
But do i say something first to him? How do i do that?

    Denise says January 31, 2019

    Don’t say anything just go no contact

Carroll laneulie says August 11, 2018

I have understood it all for sometime… fifteen years with my covert narcissist… then discard
Thankyou for your wonderful insight

Laura says August 11, 2018


Carolyn says August 11, 2018

Love Love Love this!!!
So true!
Knock them off my pedistol and the truth shall set me free!

Myra says August 11, 2018

Hello Kim,
I just want to thank you for your work which has helped me through and incredibly hard few years. The Narc I knew said ‘you are clever’ to me a couple of times. I realised what was happening early on and stood up to him although gave in a lot also. Do you think he knew that I was onto him?
I know it does not matter as he/ they are all removed from my life but I always wonder this question.
The information above truly resonates.
Thanks once again ?

Teri says August 10, 2018

I’m sorry that anyone has to go through these situations – but it’s good to know I’m not alone. My boyfriend is the one I’m dealing with. Not only a Narc but also an addict. Last year (2017) was the worst year of my life – he had been “running” from police and his drug use was getting worse – I lost my job in January 2017 and he continually took and took from me even after crying I can’t pay bills and I need help. Fast forward to November 2017 – I had already been telling him I wish he would leave but he demanded he was not going anywhere. The police finally caught up with him in November and he ended up in jail for 8 months. That whole time I kept telling him he could not come back to my apartment and he had to figure things out and learn to take care of himself. Of course he said he understood but as soon as he got out (3 years probation) he gave them my address and he showed back up. He has nowhere to go and I do not want to have to go to the police and put him out – if he has no address he’ll go back to prison. I know that’s not my problem but he’s so good at turning my feelings into guilt and like it’s my fault. I don’t know what to do and it’s killing me. He is the love of my life – but I’ve told him this too – just because I love you doesn’t mean I need to be with you. I’m so mentally drained and miserable – I want to go back to my quiet apartment with just me and my fur babies.

    Caton says February 1, 2019

    Don give it a second thought Teri, I would get the cop involved. You have to find a way too find a way to do what’s necessary to get this person out of your life. There is no way he’s the love of your life….no way. You were not created for this kind of relationship. You were created to fly.?

Tammy L Wine says May 28, 2018

I have finally accepted that I have spent the past 12 yrs in love with a Narcissist, He was so good at what he does he slowly too everything from he started with music, then taking family members one by one and finally my life I have not had a vehicle in 3 yrs because he refuses to fix the vehicle that broke down. I started seeing a therapist and started seeing what he truly is and now I am ready to leave and I am so scared I have always been very strong women until I met him now I don’t even know who I am except broken but I want to go so bad. I have even become addict to pain medicine and fought all of my life to stay away from drugs. He has fought that battle for 20 yrs and brought it into our relationship but it’s my fault I should have known better . I am waiting on that day I have m ducks in a row

Mary says May 27, 2018

Narcs fear humiliation. Mine I just told him I would share the hundreds of pictures of his tiny dick he sent me, and all the text messages where he talked about how much he loved to play with himself as much as he could, with all his coworkers…..never heard from him again. They fear humiliation so keep everything. Record everything. They bury themselves.

    Anonymous says April 28, 2019

    I had to get an order of protection to maintain the “no contact” practice. I really suggest this so when they start texting, calling, and stalking have them arrested. Orders of Protection are very serious in my state and usually involve jail time. My Narc takes that serious, NO CONTACT the only way to go.

Linda says May 17, 2018

Your site is a Godsend to me, Kim! I’ve been dealing with 2 different narcissists in my life! The first (and the easy one to get rid of) is my ex-husband who I do share custody with. I managed to get it into the court documents that he can only contact me via text or email (that way, I have a written record for future issues in court). That one stays away now. The next was a boyfriend of nearly 4 years that wound up in rehab. I allowed him to use a phone of mine for six-months but recently found out he was back using it for drugs. I cut the phone off after a particular abusive incident. He didn’t bother me for about a week. Then, I got a call and since I suspected it was him, I let it go to voicemail. The calling continued, every 10 minutes for an hour with 2 messages left. The first message identified that it was him, the second one was “hi this is —-, I hope you’re not mad at me”. I laughed, hard. I answered the 7th call, I informed him that we aren’t together, I won’t pay for the phone especially if he’s abusing me by telling me that if I don’t give him $20 he’ll go find a “real woman” and that I refuse to allow the abuse. After he argued a few minutes and realized I was standing my ground, he hung up on me. It’s been blissfully silent ever since. 🙂 I signed up for your “toolkit” so that I will continue to stand my ground. I’ll be promised the sun, moon, and stars next…I know the routine all too well. Thank you for this site and your wonderful information. It helps me to stand strong! 🙂

Grace says April 29, 2018

I don’t understand using a landline. Surely he can access you at any time at home?

    Kim Saeed says May 2, 2018

    Hi Grace,

    It’s worked like a charm for me. With a cell phone, obviously, they can text, call, email whenever they want…and use it to keep you under their control, ensuring you never really move on.

    With a landline, you don’t get the harassing text messages or the out of the blue phone calls that you’ll see right away. Using the landline is a Godsend. You should try it…and the beauty of it is, you don’t have to jump and answer every time the phone rings…just let it go to voice mail.


Karina says April 14, 2018

I live with my parents-in-laws and sister-in-law in the same house. The sister-in-law is handicapped and of course she is lazy. Because of her, all family members are exhausted. My parents-in-law are old over 78. My sister-in-law is over 48 years old. The problem is she has her own flat, but she stays with her parents. She speaks a lot and all are nonsense. My mother-in-law is also a problem when I told her daughter should stay herself. I do understand every parents see their children like young child. Indeed my mother-in-law is also tired from her daughter, but when I told her to let her daughter to stand on her own feet, she misunderstands and offends her daughter. At the moment, we cannot afford to have our own flat and so on. I tried to forget and neglect them as much as I can. Sometimes I exploded my anger to them. Anyhow do you have any good suggestions or solutions for me to have peace of mind.


Anonymous says February 1, 2018

Kim saeed… I have no words to thank u. God bless you.
What you say is already impregnated in our own experiences. we just were fools for what to call that sort of oppression. Can i get your contact number.. please respond me….i need some help.

Anonymous says January 12, 2018

Dear Kim,

What you share is spot on. I was married to a Covert Narcissist who I thought loved me for 3 decades. She used the courts as a weapon against me. I’ve not gone anywhere near this person in over a year, but she’s furious I found true love. I wasn’t looking for it and I waited over a year to start dating since the Narcissist left and trashed me to all of our mutual circles and extended family. For the record, she told my kids I was cheating on her for many years but I never did. She told the court I sent her packages, but I never did. Turns out it was some guy who forgot to update his Amazon Prime address. She accused me of cyberstalking, which is extremely serious and false. She is the one who insisted on sharing a Google calendar. I had forgotten all about it, but it actually showed all of her lies, cheating, and efforts to destroy me. She never notified me properly so a judge would rule in her favor. That’s illegal, but the court allows this stuff. How about the 4 police officers that showed up at my door when I have never owned a weapon or threatened anyone in my life. This is some really sick stuff, but mostly I just care that she’s trying to reduce me to nothing, destroy my career, and alienate me from our kids. Her brother told me she was crazy and made up stories about dates and times where he was never there. I don’t want to stoop to her level with the name calling, but I chose a marriage counselor and she met secretly with that counselor for a year to support her need for an affair and to try and use against me for divorce concessions. I showed up in court and asked for nothing, so the judge just said the marriage was over. The next day she texted me and told me she loved me and to keep wearing our wedding ring.

Lisa Gerdes says December 17, 2017

My son is living with a narcissist. Unfortunately he does not see it, but everyone else does. My grandson, is caught up in this also. He is only 8 years old and spends a limited amount of time with my son, his dad. My husband and I are very close to our grandson, who we once had opportunity to spend time with. But since the narcissist entered my sons life. We now have limited time with our grandson. We have learned to deal with this as best we can, and can only hope and pray that soon our son will see the light! Our son has been in this relationship for almost 2 years. We are hoping that we can somehow get back to the way things were. This has caused a great hardship between our son and us.

Regina says December 11, 2017

Tried NC and all it got me was him driving
by. So I tried a different strategy. I unblocked him. So then he just sent.texts that i.didn’t answer (for several months), until last week; answered because it concerned the divorce. Told him he could talk with my lawyer, that i didnt with.someone that had lied to me from and for him to find a new victim that I was no longer emotionally available for him to try and suck the life out of. That I was moving on with my life, and he needed to get used to that. I was no longer his go to.person and that he was a grown man so.he could deal.with his problems That I no longer cared what he did or with who. Not sure what the outcome, he did text later saying he was sorry and he wouldn’t bother me again, to which I didnt.respond. Just waiting on into.Court and get finalized then moving to new town and blocking all common friends from and changing my number. I know telling him off wouldn’t do any good, but telling him i.just didn’t care one way or the other, might have. Who.knows

Anonymous says November 10, 2017

I am also trying to get rid of my narcissist baby daddy of 2 yrs .. As i read this i wonder if they written the last 2 yrs of my life with him .. When they talk about how no contact is important .. I often wonder how to handle him sleeping and living out of his car in my drive way or on the rd in front of my house .. I have been threw hell with this man . Having a disability as well as a toddler has made this so hard on me .. I have tried getting a retraining order but was denied .. I feel so hopeless and helpless .. I have even moved ..

    Kim Saeed says November 10, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    The turning point for me was going to the local domestic violence center. The staff at these centers are generally well-educated in emotional abuse dynamics. They helped me get a restraining order. I had to represent myself in court, but they helped me prepare well enough that I won.

    Best of luck to you.

    Tiba says January 18, 2018

    Omg!!!!I’m living this right now.

Becky Caddell says September 26, 2017

I’m trying to make my narcissist husband leave after 19 years. We have split 3 times in the past, but my dumb ass took him back every time with his “I’ll change”and I’m so sorry!” The 1st time we were separated for over a year and he did everything from burning my clothes to, stalking to taking out a restraining order on me before I was finally able to to have him arrested for harassment, stalking, destruction of property, etc. I had peace for a while after that, until I took one of his phone calls. Fast forward 15 years and drug addiction, and gambling addiction, as well as massive alcoholism on his end and multiple sclerosis on mine…I’m completely done with his meltdowns, mood swings, temper tantrums, needing his feelings to be validated every few minutes, name calling and threats if I don’t agree with his every word or opinion. I’ve tried not responding, being boring, and for the last week I’ve outright told him to pack his shit and go. He’s going between “I love you, I’m sorry!” “I’m going to kill myself and you won’t have to worry about me anymore after tomorrow!” and “I’m cancel your insurance, taking everything, and taking a bat to your car since you don’t appreciate everything I’ve done for you over these past 20 years, whore!” Then the whole “I love you” crap starts all over again. If I could pick up and leave, I would be out! I have 5 dogs I can’t leave behind, especially since I’m in dog rescue. Places that allow animals, and in my price range are few and far between. We do have a child together but thankfully, he’s 17 and just got his license, so he’s not tool his dad can use. I just want that man gone! We’re too old for this mess!

Irene says September 8, 2017

This one is not even my narc. My partner was married to one and had two children together. Eventually the marriage broke up and eighteen months later I met him. She had the children and would do everything to stop him seeing them. Thank god for cell phones as he was able to keep in contact with them. When the children got to teenagers, they left their mother and came to live with us. Then it really started. When she had the children, to try and break contact with the father, she had moved to the other end of the city. The first thing she did was move back into our neighbourhood. She would turn up on the doorstep morning, noon and night to see the children, even when they were at school or in bed a sleep (2am in the morning) She was forever coming around dumping things on the doorstep she didn’t want anymore ( this included clothes with the price tags still on them) Then came the cat, she didn’t want anymore. This is the point I’d had enough. I wrote to her telling her she could only come around by prior arrangement. She ignored that. My solicitor wrote to her and said she could not come around at all. She ignored that. So when she turned up, I did what my solicitor had told me to do and didn’t speak to her, I just closed the door. She drove her car into the house. Consequently she was given a restraining order, which she broke. So another court case. Eventually, because of her excessive spending, she was not paying her rent and got kicked out of her flat and black listed in our city so had to move to a neighbouring city. As the children were getting older, they could arrange to met her in town without us being in attendance. ( if she turned up) This arrangement has been going on for around 18 months and seemed to suit everyone, but now she’s made a sudden appearance back on the scene. She has got herself a part time job as a delivery driver at the local restaurant five hundred yards from our house. This means a 50 mile round trip from her home for a three hour minimum paid job. She is not breaking her court order as its only two hundred yards. The police know its harassment but are powerless as the restaurant owner believes everyone deserves a second chance and has promised he won’t let her deliver within the two hundred yards of my property. I really thought we’d got through it but she’s popped up again. I feel I can’t go out of my own house in case she’s there. I know she won’t have the job for long ( she never does as she has an attitude problem, ie her way or her way) but it just really is annoying. I feel a prisoner in my own home.

Aiyanna says August 16, 2017

I’ve been with mine for 3 years. He has cheated 4 times . Well these are what I know of! He left once to go to another country to work. Only told me the day before. I lost my child in a court battle with her father because I couldn’t look after her as I was so depressed. ( not the narcissist) still I stayed. I became ill
And hospitalised. But I found out he was seeing a woman who worked there.
The list goes on. He tells me he can’t bare to be with me yet when I try to leave he keeps running back.
Your words are helping more than anything. I need to leave and find myself again.

Nancy says April 30, 2017

I have 2 kids with this monster. He managed to convince the judge to let my kids move to another state with him. I only see them one weekend a month and summer time. He’s still taking me to court to take more time away from me. I owe my lawyer more than my house. How can I do no contact when kids are involved???

Diane says November 13, 2016

I’ve gone no contact with my aspd covert narc mother. She’s evil. I want to know if I can get a court order indefinitely that she must leave me alone. I simply cut her off without telling her why and I did that because narcs deny they have a problem. I can’t even tell her she’s disordered. Which means she will continue to try to interact with me. I never want to hear her voice nor see her face ever again my life and I want a court order to do this. Is this possible?

    Kim Saeed says November 15, 2016

    Hi Diane. That would depend on which state you live in and what kind of proof you have that would warrant a permanent restraining order.

    Donna Hunter says September 23, 2017

    I did no contact with my narcissist sister. I blocked her from calling me. I throw away any letters or packages would send. I have since moved and she will not know my address. One of her daughters has done the same thing. No contact. Unfortunately my sister has used my other sister to rely her messages to me so I did no response with that sister. Remove yourself from her life. Don’t rely on a piece of paper to protect you. I have done no contact with my current husband. Moved several states away. Blocked him from everything. My next step is changing my phone number.

Name Withheld says October 6, 2016

My naropath is my daughter’s mother. She has brainwashed my daughter and produced triangulated violence. I want to fight for my child, but that requires negotiation. My daughter is the weapon now. This is hopelessly painful. I don’t know how to proceed. Please advise.

    Kim Saeed says October 12, 2016

    Hi Name Withheld,

    Thank you for sharing your experience and I am sorry to learn of your struggles. I wish I could offer a brief recommendation, but it’s hard to do here on this platform and without knowing more about your history. If you’d like to schedule a clarity session, I do offer one-to-one appointments. In the meantime, wishing you the very best.


Jackie says September 28, 2016

My partner and who I thought was the love of my life has done this to me for 4 years. I’m April we had a fight and he left me and our then 1 year old daughter to go home (another state) for the past 6 months he has been gone we have been talking, him wanting to come home but not having the money and was saving up, said all the right things, sent me presents etc and now a month before he was going to come back he has orchestrated an argument and then stopped speaking to me, after saying he will never be good enough and I should go find someone else and stop tormenting him. Now he calls on Sunday’s to FaceTime our baby but that’s it. Tonight out of the blue he had messaged me telling me to stay safe in the storms we are having. I feel heart broken that literally he loved me one day and the next day I was nothing. How can I do no contact and block him when we have a child together? Is like to, he’s done nothing for her. I feel bad for her even though at nearly 2 she doesn’t have any kind of bond with him other than he’s Dadda in the phone. HELP!

    Kim Saeed says September 29, 2016

    Hi Jackie, that would depend on what your court agreement is regarding custody. If there isn’t one in place, then you don’t really need to do Facetime with him. In fact, if there isn’t one in place, you should go to the court yourself and file for primary custody and child support. Secondly, you don’t need to leave yourself open for him to contact you whenever he feels like it. You can absolutely set some boundaries around this situation.

Anonymous says September 28, 2016

My partner and who I thought was the love of my life has done this to me for 4 years. I’m April we had a fight and he left me and our then 1 year old daughter to go home (another state) for the past 6 months he has been gone we have been talking, him wanting to come home but not having the money and was saving up, said all the right things, sent me presents etc and now a month before he was going to come back he has orchestrated an argument and then stopped speaking to me, after saying he will never be good enough and I should go find someone else and stop tormenting him. Now he calls on Sunday’s to FaceTime our baby but that’s it. Tonight out of the blue he had messaged me telling me to stay safe in the storms we are having. I feel heart broken that literally he loved me one day and the next day I was nothing. How can I do no contact and block him when we have a child together? Is like to, he’s done nothing for her. I feel bad for her even though at nearly 2 she doesn’t have any kind of bond with him other than he’s Dadda in the phone.

Lynn Rodriguez says September 9, 2016

Hi there! I could use some help and advice. Please tell me how you did it? I’m currently married to a narcissist trying to get out. He has stripped me of everything. No transportation, we have one vehicle which he only drives. He has withheld alot of things and is aware of the fact that i want out of our marraige. We’ve been together for five years,married for three. We have two boys together. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is currently living in orlando with my father because of his abuse towards her. I really dont know what to do. I know i have to be wise in planning my way out. I just would like any advice you can give. What should i expect and look out for during the divorce process?? I have the packet but have not filed yet because i would much rather do it once i am no longer under the same roof. Im trying to play it cool for now. But really stressed because I’ve been a stay at home mom for two years now. I have no job no money no place to go currently. He’s been gaslighting and love bombing the past few weeks. Anything he can do to try to change my mind. But im remaining strong and firm in my decision. He is very possesive and im aware that he’ll do all he can to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want any contact with him once the divorce is finalised, but he wants to be able to see his boys. How should i go about that once this is final. Seems like it will take forever to get out but i am fighting to remain positive.

    Giselle says September 10, 2016

    I would contact a domestic violence shelter, they deal with situations like yours all the time and should be able to help you put together a plan to leave.

      Lynn Rodriguez says September 11, 2016

      Thank you! I’ll give that a try

Catherine says September 9, 2016

Thank you for your comment, Giselle. I actually wrote down a list of the horrible things he did/said to me and I carry it with me. When I feel sad I look at it. It helps me to not romanticize the memories. He discovered that I unfriended him a couple of days ago and the next day when he discovered it, I received nasty texts & phone calls. He then made sure to tell me that he was going to block me from everything “because he wouldn’t want me to see pictures of him with his somebody new, that it would hurt me too much & wouldn’t be nice”
I reminded him that I was the one who unfriended him!! Again he repeated it–still trying to get his last zingers in while I was showing complete indifference! So juvenile!!!
He has some tires out in my yard that he needs to pick up, hopefully next week when I’m at work and then I will completely block his number on cell & house phone. I’ve spoken to a counselor and am feeling strong right now. I hope I stay on my path and continue to not look back.

    Gisell says September 10, 2016

    Nice! I got that sort of behavior from mine too. Called me from ANOTHER number just to let me know he knew I blocked him. Then MONTHS later showed up at my house with gifts wanting to “talk”. Ha! I just looked at him and said “It really isn’t a good time” fortunately he left after standing there for a few minutes like a fool. I’d put the tires on the street and tell him he can pick them up and block him from everything. Not your job to store his things. Block him everywhere, don’t engage and you’ll get less and less “good memories”. It’s great like that. I have zero feelings for my ex. Ok they get more and more negative the longer it goes from our breakup, but I romanticise nothing from that relationship now. Just got a message on instagram from some girl who was friends with his brother (who passed away) asking me for pics of his brother. Block block block. I want NOTHING to do with anything that has to do with him. Period.

Catherine says September 5, 2016

I have been in a relationship for only 4 months with a Narcissist, I’m lucky I recognized it early on. It still does not make it any easier to try and move on from this. I still reply in my head all of the events leading up to the silent treatments that I would receive. They were always initiated by the most trivial things…..he would give me the silent treatment and ignore me & disrespect me in my own home. I was manipulated into asking what was wrong only to have everything switched around on me. I would end up thinking it was all my fault! Add to this a man who has a drinking problem and terrible financial difficulties. I have never felt so preyed upon in my entire life. I have changed my locks & changed my debit card #. I know in my head that I am so much better off without this man in my life, but how to I stop my heart from hurting? Perhaps I need therapy to figured out why I would even want a person like this in my life? Today I took the first step and unfriended him from my Facebook page. HIs posts portray somebody he is not and I’m tired of looking at the phoniness of it all. I hope I find the strength to realize I deserve better.

    Giselle says September 6, 2016

    Just keep reminding yourself about the person he REALLY is. I think we miss them because we hang onto the ideal that we created in our mind about what a fantasic person they were and how they made us feel etc. Remember the BAD stuff. The good was an illusion anyway. Once I woke up and saw my ex for the person he really was once and for all, I never looked back. It took him breaking up with me 10,000 times, cheating and leaving over and over and over again but eventually he pulled the same thing and I let him walk and felt good about it.

    Anonymous says November 26, 2017

    That’s exactly what I was thinking I blocked him today

Hannah says September 1, 2016

I spent 11years with a disordered Narcissist, he had affairs but would never admit his guilt as of course I was to blame. He drummed it into me for years that I was nothing without him, that not many people really liked me and I’d only achieved professionally because of what he had sorted out for me. I spent 11yrs trying to win his love, through sex, money and putting him first. He wouldn’t marry me or have children with me because he always blamed me for the relationship not being right. However it was ok for me to love and care for his children from two other relationships that he is a useless father to. I provided him with the cover story that he was in a settled and loving set up, that he’d changed…..but he hasn’t changed. He’s now with a woman who’s got 3 children by three different men, the youngest is 3yrs old. I would have given anything to be a mum and here he is playing happy families when he couldn’t even look after his own.
I’m 38yrs old, I feel worthless, have no confidence with even today I had a panic attack that stopped me from attending an important meeting. Its 2 1/2 months since he kicked me out of our home and I’m on my second attempt at NC- day 10. I feel empty, a failure and alone. He get the odd email from him, him playing the victim and blaming me for things and of course the words that would keep me waiting for him to come back to me again in the future. It hurts like hell but I hope to come out of the other side the bright and bubbly girl I once was

    Kim Saeed says September 1, 2016

    Hi Hannah, thank you for sharing. I know how painful it is because I’ve been there. The good news is that it’s very possible to find happiness again.

    However, the first step is to remove his ability to contact you – to send you the emails which are nothing more than a ploy to keep you hooked so you might never move on.

    That’s why I’ve created this blog and other resources for people just like you – because happiness is on the other side of No Contact, where you can finally heal and move on.



Melinda says September 1, 2016

So much truth in this! When I finally woke up and went no contact, it was like a cloud had lifted. Unfortunately there are other narcs in my life whom I CAN’T be completely free of, but in the case of my romantic relationships? I’m free and it feels good to not be surrounded by toxic people anymore.

I think what helped me relinquish the hold he had over me was realizing that I deserved better. As a young woman who grew up in an abusive home, I was conditioned to accept being treated poorly.
But when I started to value myself more, his treatment of me was no longer acceptable. I could no longer tolerate the disrespect, the cheating, the racism, the verbal/emotional abuse…and not only from him, but also his family and friends.

He passed away a few months ago after being ill. It might sound cruel because I once loved him dearly, but now I can’t feel anything. I’m not sad about his death, just indifferent.
Which is remarkable considering the number of times I cried over him in the past, but what can I say? I’m older and much smarter now than I was back then.

What also helped me was trying to surround myself with positive people. Spending time with narcissists is the WORST thing anyone can do if you want to be mentally and emotionally healthy.
The toxic people in my life all convinced me that I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, bad, selfish, etc…and I believed it.

I still believe it to some extent because it is hard to fully shake off YEARS of cruelty. But now I believe it a lot less than I used to. When I remember being called stupid? I practice self-compassion. I made mistakes in my past, but that doesn’t make me stupid. My ex loved to insult my intelligence and now I think it was a way to feel better about himself.
When I remember being called ugly and told that I have “bad” hair? Again, self-compassion is key. Not everyone can appreciate my kind of beauty and that’s OK.
I gained a lot of weight because of the abuse taking such a toll on me, but I’m working on getting back into shape. I’m trying to be more positive despite my challenges. I’m trying to love myself despite what has happened in my life. I’m praying that I can be healed of my clinical depression.

Now I see that the key to eliminating a narcissist is to love yourself. They hate it when you are strong and confident because it’s more difficult to control you, and to hurt you.
The better you feel about yourself, the less likely you will be to take shit from anyone…excuse my language, but it’s true!

BridgetJones says August 27, 2016

But after 25 years of what I thought was a loving marriage and this is the first time the mask came off (affair) do I owe it to him to give him a chance if he gets therapy? I’m so lost. He can’t decide if he wants to be married or not. It all hit me like a tsunami. I had no idea. He seems to think because he was faithful for 25 years that he DESERVES this. I’m speechless. It’s all about him, not about my pain.He was/is willing to throw it all away for someone he knew a handful of weeks. I’m “in love”…this is my “soulmate”…What to do???

    Freedom at last says August 27, 2016

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but honestly, therapy doesn’t help a narcissist. It only gives them more knowledge of how to be perceived as “normal.” If he “can’t decide” if he wants to be married or not, he is essentially belittling you, and you’re worth way more than that! I was with my ex N for a total of 23 years (married for 10), so I understand having the “time” invested, but believe me when I say they don’t change, they KNOW right from wrong, but just don’t care! They always manage to turn it back on themselves, expecting pity…my ex was a master at that! You are entitled to your feelings, your anger, your heartbreak. Please know that you are not alone!

    original gangster says August 28, 2016

    I agree if someone “can’t decide” if they want to be in a relationship with you, that is your GIANT red flag to leave. No one who genuinely wants to be with you will be unsure.
    I can’t imagine you’d end up here simply because your SO had an affair, if you believe him to be a narcissist then no. This wasn’t it, it won’t be it and you owe him nothing.
    You are in love with a fantasy of who you wanted him to be (if you follow step 6 you will have many realizations) and he is pretending to be your “soulmate”…I’d hope anyone who is a “soulmate” wouldn’t be a cheater, that is a huge disqualification to me.
    This is coming from someone who was with a cheater, who got caught. I took him back, he went to therapy blah blah blah. it wasn’t worth it. There are people out there worthy of your love and loyalty. Narcissists aren’t them.

    Gina says September 11, 2016

    Get out of there asap; file for divorce. Your self respect,integrity on the line. Then craft a new life for your self with care, boundaries, NC. Good luck,stay focused on the outcome and relish living,again. xo

laura says August 27, 2016

I want to go NC with my narc parents without putting them to jail,but it’s not possible.I want to do it peacefully and without revenge,but reality forces me to go to the police.They have a copy of the key to my house (i couldn’t refuse to give them the key).They show up uninvited.They call me every evening,especially before bed,so that i won’t sleep the night.I don’t feel safe in my own home,and i’m 100% SURE they will never accept no contact.I don’t want to do it the hard way,but i have to.They give me no other choice.The restraint order is not a solution for me,as they’d never respect it.Verbal boundaries that i tried to set during 33 years (my age),they all failed,one by one.I’m emotionally exhausted,just when i have to get ready for the biggest challenge of my life:my fight for freedom!

ThePinch says August 26, 2016

Thank you again, Kim. You are a lifesaver. NC definitely works!

Tami Leigh says August 26, 2016

Love all of your work.. day 5 and feeling better each day thank you

    Kim Saeed says August 26, 2016

    Woo Hoo!! Virtual high-five! 🙂

sunnychapman says August 26, 2016

Thanks to your book I was able to go NC IMMEDIATELY, the day after the breakup, and stay NC ever since. It’s been 8 months now and in those 8 months of having that psycho out of my life and working on myself, I have blossomed and thrived.
I feel like the old me died with him and a new better me was born out of the ashes. I could never have done this if I stayed in touch with him. There were times I wanted to call him and scream at him but instead I wrote long letter about all the awful things he did- but never sent them. No Contact is essential for healing.

    Kim Saeed says August 26, 2016

    Thank you so much for sharing! I have a tear in my eye…I’m so happy for you!! 🙂

    Chrissy the Conqueror says February 1, 2019

    Yes! The old me died with him when I was able to end it–NC for almost 4 months, despite the constant stalking (get a security system with cameras and they will finally stay away lol)–and a better, happier, lighter, stronger, more focused, peaceful, productive, attractive, prescient, exciting, optimistic, and wiser “me” arose to fly higher than ever before out of the ashes… literally! I’m being sent to Europe with work. Very pleased I’m finally free tho I still need to get a new cellphone due to cloning software. Pro tip: don’t carry your data over to the new device because the cloning programs they can install if they have had access to your phone will carry over as well

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