7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back

7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back

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Did you know there are certain things narcissists say to get you back when you’ve finally kicked them to the curb? 

Or, maybe they fabricated a fake discard to make you think you’ve ruined your chances with them and now they are hoovering you, making you believe there’s a snowball’s chance in Hades for true love with them?

Narcissists rarely ever admit to it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth?  That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

However, empathic and intuitive people sometimes get themselves into trouble by not listening to their intuition, which is very common when they find themselves in relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. 

Admittedly, when it seems the narcissist will go to any length to get you back, it’s easy to mistake their trickery for genuine remorse and a desire to make things work when it’s really a calculated appeal to your sentimentality and timed to catch you at a weak moment – often when you’re feeling vulnerable or reflective. It is a scheme meant to toy with your emotions in an effort to get you to soften up and reconcile.

It’s called Hoovering.

Hoovering is a technique that’s employed by manipulative and narcissistic con artists to suck their victims back into a relationship with them by exhibiting improved or desirable behavior. It’s named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner because the hoovering narcissist not only desires to suck you back into the relationship, but will ultimately treat you like dirt.

In this article, you will learn the most common things narcissists say to get you back, as well as how to shut down the narcissist in your life who is toying with your emotions and using you with no mercy.

See this article’s video below:


Verbal Trickery – Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back

We all know to avoid people who appear insane or abusive and not enter into or maintain intimate relationships with them. However, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths are masters at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities (and their pathological agendas). The narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological manipulation – employs ultimate trickery in trying to get you back, while keeping hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees. 

Below, I map out the most common things narcissists say to get you back.  The highly popular verbal cons of narcissistic spouses, fiancés, and partners of varying degrees of intimacy – and the maneuvers they’re pulling on you to scam you back into a relationship with them, thereby greatly reducing your true chance at freedom and a life without their traumatizing douchebaggery.

  1.  “I’ve decided to go to counseling”

After numerous silent treatments, disappearing acts, and bait-and-switch schemes carried out by the narcissist, you tell them you can’t live this way any longer and give them the much-needed boot.  They come back later, look at you with a straight face and with all sincerity and announce, “I’ve been thinking about what you said.  I know it’s important to you and I want to make this work, so I’ve decided to go to counseling.”

Reality – The illusion that they are willing to “make it work” and go to counseling is one of the narcissist’s favorite tricks.  This may be in regards to their anger management issues, alcoholism, excessive jealousy, infidelity, or sex/porn addiction (often, a combination of all of the above).

It’s nothing more than a way to buy time. They have no intention of being honest in the therapist’s chair and, in fact, will use the opportunity to make you look unhinged, using their trip to the doctor’s office as a way of learning the lingo to make you look like the unstable one, which causes you to further believe you’re the one with problems and feel lucky that the narcissist “has agreed to stay with you”.

As a person who loves the narcissist, you may deeply want to believe that they are being sincere because you hope they’ll finally go back to being the person they were at the beginning of your relationship.  They may even secrete a few tears in an attempt to drive home the point, but the unfortunate truth is that a large population of narcissists employ this trick and in no time, it’s back to business as usual – and the abuse is much worse. 

You’ll be hard-pressed to find a single documented case where a victim of narcissistic abuse has seen a happy ending due to the narcissist’s humanitarian, soul-searching “decision to go to counseling”.  In fact, it usually ends in the victim needing his or her own therapy because of the tricks and mind-games that ensue once they are deceived into giving the relationship another chance.

The disturbing truth is that in my experience working with coaching clients who have been pathologically abused–as well as the hours of research I’ve done–I’ve not come across one success story as it relates to couples therapy with a narcissist.

Not one.  (It sure did nothing to help me!)

Sure, the narcissist might agree to go to counseling with you, but it’s not to make any improvements or lasting change. Narcissists don’t go to therapy because they finally realize they’re selfish and have been mistreating you.  They do it to keep you feeling hopeful (in order to keep you trapped longer) by enhancing their facade of trying to “make it work”.

Narcissists don’t go to therapy with goals in mind (such as improving their relationship with you).  They go to therapy with agendas in mind.

  1. “I met them the last time we were broken up!”

I swear I’m not in love with him/her.  It just so happened that I met them last time you and I were broken up and now they won’t leave me alone.  I’ve tried!”  or “I was only with them because I felt you weren’t totally invested in me.”

Reality – This humdinger is an attempt at having you sweep their infidelity under the rug in hopes that you’ll forgive them for “just being a human who wants to find love like anyone else.” 

It’s also the perfect opportunity for them to triangulate, gaslight, and make themselves appear sought after while further wrecking your own self-esteem.  You may interpret the situation by thinking “They’re being unfaithful because I’m not desirable enough, the new person is probably much more confident than I am and the narcissist likes that, or I blew it by breaking up with them, and now my chance at true love is slipping through my fingers.” 

This scenario is fabricated by the narcissist for the sole purpose of putting you in a situation where you become fearful that you’re going to lose them – motivating you to do whatever is humanly possible to keep their affections. 

What you don’t realize during these episodes is that this pattern will be repeated in numerous ways because narcissists, especially those of the somatic and histrionic ilk, are always in various stages of relationships with other people – further, it’s entirely possible that the narcissist met the “new” person long before your last breakup. 

  1.  “Can we just be friends?”

They were unfaithful and you found out or they openly admitted to an affair and left, saying they were in love with someone else. You’ve heard all the reasons why you could never be an ideal partner for them.  Months, weeks, or even mere days later, they came back with a sob story of how they cannot choose, they made a mistake, and don’t want to live without you. 

In the middle of the discussion, he or she turns, gives you a pensive look, and says, “I know we can’t be together, but I care about you a lot and don’t want to lose you completely.  Can we just be friends?”

Reality – Let’s be friends for the narcissist means let’s be friends — with benefits (for them, not you).

Don’t fall for the “let’s be friends” ploy.  Doing so will land you straight in La La land, where you will spend months, if not years, tolerating their multiple sex partners, disappearing acts, and your making monthly visits to the doctor’s office to ensure you haven’t contracted an STD. 

It’s easy to believe the narcissist when they come around pretending to have second thoughts about the whole thing when, in fact, they’ve realized someone else would eventually try to win your heart, and that sure as hell isn’t going to happen if the narcissist has anything to do with it!  Because they don’t want you giving your attention and resources to someone else!

It’s also a wonderful façade for their public image, considering how “admired” they must be to be able to maintain friendships with past partners.  Just imagine their chorus line during the smear campaign, “Yeah, I just stayed friends with her because I felt sorry for her, even though she’s telling everyone how abusive I am”. 

Voila!  The Good Samaritan in action!

The Narcissist makes this suggestion for one reason only.  They don’t want to commit, yet they want to keep you around as an option while they maintain their influence and control over your life.  They know full well that it would be impossible for you to move on, much less heal from their abuse, while they are still around. You simply cannot look at things in a different light while being right in the middle of a situation.

The only solution is to step outside your situation … and after a while, you will see things in a different light.  You will learn more about yourself and what really happened in the relationship. It will feel like an awakening.

  1. “I knew you weren’t right for me”

After your heroic efforts at absorbing the narcissist’s explosive outbursts and smoothing spackle over the gaping holes in your relationship, the narcissist “ends things” by smugly announcing “I knew you weren’t the right person for me.”

Reality – This trick seems counterintuitive because, on the surface, it seems the narcissist is discarding you, but in most cases, this move is a ploy to keep you in the discouraging cycle of trying to prove your worth and “win back” their love.  So, you strive to redeem yourself, resurrect the relationship, and hope for a positive outcome.

You toe the line. You become the poster child for obedience. You hold out for the golden days to reappear. 

But what are the narcissist’s thoughts regarding the resurrection of the relationship?

The narcissist isn’t feeling grateful that the two of you have reunited. As far as they’re concerned, your herculean mission to win them back is proof of their supremacy and magnetic desirability. 

In the narcissist’s mind, your operation to win them back is because you are clearly dependent on them emotionally – and the narcissist will seize on your feelings of vulnerability and fragility to the fullest. Following a mechanical reconciliation phase, they will immediately seek to manipulate and exploit you.

  1. “I’m sorry for hurting you and I vow to make it up to you”

This is a favorite ruse used globally by narcissists of all types (the general exception being the cerebral narcissist).  That’s because the narcissist’s partners are typically of the cooperative, empathic, tolerant, altruistic, and forgiving type and the narcissist has no qualms about exploiting these traits to the nth degree. 

When the narcissist shows up with flowers, jewelry, and tears (on bended knee for effect), his or her compassionate partner turns into putty, forgetting all wrongdoings and imagining a better future, which usually includes growing old together and holding hands while walking through the park.

Reality – Unfortunately, the narcissist’s thinking is entirely different from yours in regard to reconciliation.  Their thoughts are usually centered on how they are going to hook up with the side supply now that you’ve thrown a monkey wrench into their routine by demanding to be treated with respect. 

  1. “I love only you”

Narcissists are notoriously unfaithful.  Therefore, they often try to make it appear as if they have no control over the fact that they are a “sex addict” or “bad at being monogamous” – they are only with those other people for “fun”.  The only person they really love is you.  You’re the only one that accepts them, warts and all, and offers them a place to come home to at the end of the day; a place to fall and help all their worries go away.  It’s you and them against the world.  They confess they are messed up, maybe a little crazy, but it’s because you are so connected to them that they love only you.  Don’t they always come back to you?  Don’t they sleep in your bed?

Reality – Persuasiveness and charm are the primary traits of narcissists and psychopaths. There’s no doubt you are unique and special, but the narcissist doesn’t appreciate those things in you.  What they are working towards is keeping the number of their admirers high.  The more people they have adoring them, the better…and they are telling their other partners the same thing.

  1. “I’ve had an epiphany”

They were driving to work and it suddenly occurred to them, that the two of you were meant to be together.  It all became crystal clear in a matter of seconds.  They don’t know how they didn’t see it before.  In fact, the two of you should get married…and the sooner the better.

Reality – No amount of sharing your pain will cause a spontaneous character transplant on your partner’s part or induce The Divine Epiphany where the angels touch down and instill keen insight into the narcissist’s brain as to how much pain they’ve caused you, dropping them to their knees in the posture of a repentant sinner. 

It just won’t happen. These are all simply the most common things narcissists say to get you back.

The doomed nature of toxic relationships decrees that — as much as you might wish differently — you’ll need to get to a place of acceptance that your relationship with the narcissist will be no exception to the rule. 

Moral values do not come into question when narcissists are desperately seeking to hook you back into a relationship. They will shamelessly try to pick up right where they left off with no regard for the emotional or psychological harm they caused that triggered the original breakup. 

How to Shut Down the Narcissists and Stop Falling For Their Tricks

You will never be in control of your self-esteem or your emotions as long as the narcissist is in your life.  Even a seemingly innocent act or comment on their behalf comes with a high price. Don’t fall for these seven things narcissists say to get you back.

There is a motive for every single thing they say and do.  Breaking No Contact may give you temporary relief, but the long-term effects would be harmful, if not fatal, if you go back to them.  You cannot gain genuine relief from the very person who hurt you. 

Breaking up with a narcissist equals cutting them out of your life completely without giving them a chance to “explain themselves” because whatever explanation they would give you would only be another manipulation.

If you feel miserable and trapped in your relationship, I can relate wholeheartedly.  I was once in your shoes and I know how crippling and devastating it feels to have to choose between staying and trying to make things work or making the life-changing choice to become your own savior. 

The Break Free Program has helped tens of thousands of people around the world escape narcissistic abuse and begin healing their lives.  I created this program based on my coaching curriculum and I get emails every day from wonderful survivors and thrivers who share with me how the program helped save their lives, literally.  

I am always humbly grateful for these emails because I know personally what it feels like to break free from the prison of narcissistic abuse and begin healing. It’s one of the most beautiful feelings imaginable.  

My greatest wish for you is that you can also begin to heal and be free, as well.

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Leave a Comment:

Kerry says September 26, 2023

What if the narcissist is your adult daughter?

Anonymous says July 27, 2022

Everything they say about a narcissist is very true all of it you’ll never be the same again even after you leave they pretty much destroyed you inside and out so if you think your with one please get out before it’s too late!!!!

Adam says July 27, 2022

but the narcissist will tell you it’s your fault! always, with smile!
i’ve had enough.

I broke away from a disturbed and stupid person, maybe narcissistic, I had to return to my family home and as a result I am now sitting with a mother who has bipolar disorder and her daughter with similar problems – as a result, I am destroyed by both of them – at night they attacked me in my room, called the police and ambulance and sent to the psychiatric hospital XD I left after 15 minutes with a brilliant opinion from doctor. Beatings, constant attacks on me, days of talking about me, hiding thing, destroing them, police patrols called several times, but when I call such a patrol, they threaten me with a fine and see no problem.

what the f**k is with people !?

Jane says February 2, 2022

This is so true I married someone who changed after marriage and 15 years later I had an epiphany and realised what was happening I have been trying to get out for 3 years. My councillor gave me a book of 101 things narcissists do and there were only 3 I had not experienced. Many thanks.

Anonymous says February 1, 2022

This is 100% everything he would say each time he would come back:( I’m ready to heal and want him to stay away.

Anonymous says May 28, 2021

This content is extremely true. Manipulation gets most of us in a toxic loop, hoping for a better tomorrow and 10 mins letter the same mistake is repeated.

Yvette Perez says May 24, 2021

That is exactly what my husband of 23 years has been doing these past few months. Like you said I fell for it the first few times even though I kept telling myself he didn’t mean it. The hard part is we have 10 children 2 of witch are still under age. I have told him time and again he cant visit here and to meet the kids outside etc but he does what he wants and this is why I believe he really started to kick it up a notch. So I started recording him and then sending them to his 30 year jr girlfriend. It was really helpful for me. Then he tried the “I have so much to tell you but you’ll just tell her” I feel like this is it, yes I’ve had that feeling before but this time I just don’t feel anything. I don’t hate or feel sorry or even “remember when” This article was so dead on it feels like every time I read any articles re: narcissism I’m reading my diary.

Terilyn Sanchez says May 23, 2021

I was married 30 years to a man that I didn’t even know there’s always people talking about me behind my back and I didn’t know it was him all along turns out he was stalking young girls online you work for the department of Justice for 12 years he wrote books I was a murdering each one he was just at Orville person we have nine children together and I never suspected a thing until one day I check the emails and there was emails from minor I left him came to a different city met someone and it’s like I’m with the same person it’s just out loud he had no problem abusing me in every way possible in fact he just got out of jail he held me hostage he wants to put me in a box under the bed the opening talks bad about me

Ivvanna Belftalone says May 3, 2021

I have physical scars from my Narcissist. My mobile devices have been taken over for the past 8 years. They are even having someone coming into my Apartment destroying my belongings. I believe that they did it too. My animals have also been harmed. I have business to take care of but every account I make passwords get changed. They cut me off from my friends & contacts. But got an EPO AND MENTAL PETITION ON ME when I lived with them stating they needed their privacy & feared for their life because I am someone in Recovery of 8 years now.

Anonymous says March 18, 2021

My daughter is so loved by her family. Her mother loves her unconditionally. This man came into her life at a vulnerable time in her late 20’s and manipulated her actions, thoughts to turn from her family, live with him and monitor her every move, text, call, friendship. He sees a psychiatrist and probably approves of any advice she receives. I miss my daughter, the daughter I knew. She gaslighted her parents now for weeks but had changed drastically since her relationship with him. I pray for her and my little family. Last time she was with me, it seemed almost normal but she no longer,hugs, confides, or light hearted and in a blink, switches to distant and cold as tho someone got in her head.

Tanya says August 21, 2020

A 25 year relationship/marriage coming to an end – what I read I see a lot in my relationship – I don’t know if it would be fair to call him a narc, but many of what is shared speaks to me – I have filled for divorce and moving out on my own – what I am struggling with is that he is so emotionless and leaves me feeling that I added no value to his life – he seems to have changed for the woman he has been seeing for the past 5 years which he denied but now admitted – left me feeling worthless and that the woman is everything I can never be.

Anonymous says April 10, 2020

Omg…its like youre there and here…i think im going to throw up…is this what compassion and empathy gets me?…i went from one narc into the trap of another voluntarily. how do i save myself. Because im starting to get really pissed off and not give a fuck about them, and im not sure how that plays out.

    Margaret says July 27, 2022

    Good Lord! I wish that I had read this article and the comments 2 years ago! It might have saved me years of anguish, heartache, anger. . . How has it played out for You!? If you don’t mind me asking!?

Angela says April 2, 2020

Hi Kim How do go NO CONTACT when you have loving family members that you dont want to lose? Narcs try to use them as flying monkeys.

Also their threats have esculated at mums house burnt out candles near our photos even knives. To my surprise mum hasnt noticed. I havent said anthing. It makes it very uncomfortable/triggering going to mums we also have a toddler son whom I need to protect.

    Dawn Zamborsky says May 24, 2021

    Mine does for sure

Angela says April 2, 2020

Hi Kim

How do I go no contact if I have loving family members I do not want to lose. Narcs try to use them as flying monkeys.

I am looking forward to your response. This has been going on too long. Need to set better boundaries and fully heal.

The Dark Triad: Are We Gaslighting Ourselves About Narcissism? - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says March 19, 2020

[…] forward with the success story of the decade because the narcissist they know has suddenly had The Divine Epiphany and are deeply remorseful about their wicked […]

Geraldine says January 17, 2020

I liked the mechanical reconciliation part of your article! That’s struck home. Some awful sex to make you feel “connected” and then the list of favours (commands) came out. Happy happy days that is all over. In the last year I was actually pleased if he was off pursuing someone else although he never admitted to it, I used to think thank god she’s got to sleep with him not me! Now that was a weird mental state I had got to!!

tigisty says January 17, 2020

how do you do no contact if a child is involved?

Nancy says January 17, 2020

This article nails it. In one essay the entire 17 year marriage, plus on-going attempts by the ex to “well can we at least be friends for the sake of our kids” is summed up in this essay. Experienced all described. TBH no contact was not quite enough once I started firmly enforcing it but a move 2 hours away has helped tremendously. It’s so much easier to ignore him when he reaches out since I know we will not run into each other accidentally. For folks wondering if their partner is a narcissist- listen to your intuition. You know it is speaking to you even though you don’t want to listen. No partner is perfect, so if that person seems to good to be true in the beginning, it is not love, it is harmful, and you will get hurt.

Jenn says January 17, 2020

My son father will say don’t text me anymore only speak to me through email. He will also “threaten” to use his parenting time.

Monika says January 17, 2020

My ex-narc NEVER apologized during his many hoovers! He always hoovered by blaming ME for his bad behavior. A common refrain was, after I walked out for yet another instance of insulting behavior, “Aren’t you a bit old for behaving like a high school girl? When do you think you are going to stop acting like a high school girl?” So, he had the audacity to blame me even while trying to get me back!!

    Gina says January 17, 2020

    That is so crazy that he says you’re acting like a high school girl. My husband (soon to be ex) says the same thing!! I know narcs are similar in the way they behave and operate but that blows my mind that they use the same insults. Mine will be throwing a tantrum, screaming and acting a fool, calling me names and saying how immature I am and that at my age I am still trying to act like a teenager. I don’t even engage, I just ignore him. I have on occasion said “I’m not the one throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old!” But most times I say nothing because I won’t give him the energy or attention he wants. Nothing he tries will get a rise out of me anymore. I left him 5 days ago and am NC from this day on. This is my 4th time leaving and I promise myself that it is my last! It’s so true that the abuse gets worse every time we reconcile. I have had it, don’t want to waste another minute dealing with him and his antics. I’m done for good. Not easy, but very necessary!

REAL Self-Care Ideas for New Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says January 15, 2020

[…] earth’ approach.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking the narcissist has had a Divine Epiphany or has changed due to the passage of […]

Mena says July 28, 2019

Just ended a friend’s with benefits with a Narcissist .. the humble kind. One subject, perhaps taboo are the Narcissists who prey on older woman or men – i’ve seen plenty of each type. At 65+ I didn’t ask many questions when a very attractive, much, much younger man shyly and slowly started a ‘friendship’ that was related to relocating within the City. Guilty of saying ‘what the heck … ” and can’t claim I didn’t enjoy it. Because of the age difference it never entered my mind that we were a couple and either of us were free to see other. He was ending a relationship with his “rebound” lover (50+ and disabled) after being throw out by another woman in her 60+, who he obsessed about. It was only later that the only reason he did was because she “got away”. The rebound lover became his flying monkey, and I became his super hero who would fix his life. Unfortunately the rebound lover may also have been a Narcissist as she was willing to take incredible risks to regain control over him. It became more about knocking the wind out of her sails, then actually wanting to continue my relationship. I defended the Narcissist against her, occasionally justified, but at the end it became far too dangerous to be around either of them. I couldn’t decide which of them was more suicidal. In the end … he really was just an unfeeling, heartless child. The thing that actually brought me peace was knowing that NO matter who he was with, he could only “mimic” love. The incredible self centered, gas lighting, lying, rants, nasty texts, unauthorized photos, and NO woman is ever going to change that. Old saying that ” Pain is something we give ourselves to punish ourselves for something someone else did.” So many times I would be driving back home after leaving him, and I would beg myself … Stop this, this isn’t what you want … free yourself, walk away. Then he would come up with yet another disaster – the kind soul kicks in, with NEW boundaries, as IF that would be respected. WRONG! The desire … nagging need to reply – DON”T … if it gets too often, or too weird = block, OR take to the police and let them discuss the options. Most companies will switch numbers as well. Block all social media sites and if he / she knows where the spare key is …. move it and /or consider a video doorbell. All you can do is “anti-stalk” by avoiding any areas that they may be during certain times of the day. Change your routine and your route if there are areas that he / she could make contact. Change your look so that he isn’t able to recognize you as quickly – could just be hats, scarves … Sooner or later they move on …

Hope says July 18, 2019

My husband told me that no one loves me like him.He is the only person in the world who loves me for who I am.I couldn’t believe him because he is a piece of work.I thought my husband is the only person in the world who has this horrible personality.

    Heather says January 9, 2021

    My ex fiance would say that same thing every time I would gather the strength to end things. Except he would throw in how I am so damaged and I should feel lucky that he loves and cares for me and that I’ll never find anyone like him , who loves me like him…. When I was feeling especially courageous I’d tell him “that’s the point, that’s why I’m ok with you leaving. I NEVER want that type of love again!” Today is the first day of NC for like the 50th time of being discarded. I hope and pray I don’t allow him back. Stay strong, you’re not alone!

    Debra Jean Harvey says July 26, 2022

    I thought the same about being the only one. I’m still traumatized

Anonymous says July 15, 2019

That was great!

Judy says July 14, 2019

My daughter is a narcissist-even malignant. My husband is also but on a lower spectrum. Although I have looked after my grandchildren since born(6&1)I now am denied contact. I am trying to divorce my husband. I have no problem leaving him and my daughter as I cannot accept the evil insanity and lies etc but of course the grandchildren break my heart to think of them with these monsters. How can I heal?

Kathy says July 8, 2019

The Narcissist in my life wasn’t/isn’t my spouse or SO. It is my mother. I finally have broken all contact with her except for the major holidays. My hubs who is a saint goes to see her pretty regularly. The 3 of us sometimes go to eat. Never a good time and usually devolves I to some sort of head to head.

    Simon says July 14, 2019

    You’ve come this far, so why not go the extra mile and try absolute zero contact?

steve says July 5, 2019

my partner is convinced im a narcisist, she left me about 6 weeks ago, not spoken 1 word to me or anything, if she doesnt want me in her life , then im ok with that, i have no drive to win her back or make her want me again, she has alot of my personal belongings, important things that i need to get my life back on track, she has an ivo on me so i cant just rock upat here place, id really like to just go get my things, have her help me go thru everthing, & say goodbye & get on with my life, is there a way i can make her c that, or do i havte involve the police to get my belongs?

How to Leave a Narcissist When You're Still in Love - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says May 7, 2019

[…] You know the situation needs to change, but how long will you last before the narcissist pulls you back in with their fake apologies and sob stories about how they’ve realized their wrong-doings?  How they had ‘The Divine Epiphany’? […]

Mona says March 31, 2019

I wish I had seen this article 3 years ago. My God I was with a classic narcissist. Love bombs, future plans made, borrowed money, canceled travel plans repeatedly, apologies, silence, declaration that I was his soul mate, more love bombs, poor text management for not responding to sooner…the list goes on. Towards the end he started tossing a few cruel remarks my way, then work was getting tough and then the finale was he needed to be alone for 6 months to “fix” himself. He said there was no one else but I find that extremely hard to believe. He cut me out of his life without much of a reason after spending several years together. He is/was a fraud and I’m lucky to be done with his messed up life. I will always have a tender heart but boy I will never ever fall for this BS treatment again. Sucks to learn the hard way but there is someone out there who will appreciate me and be authentic about it. Let the healing begin!

David says March 14, 2019

Wow. Just…wow. Your article perfectly laid out the last four years of my most recent relationship, *verbatim*. Thank you for showing me that it was not all in my head as I was (deceptively) led to believe.

Tim says December 20, 2018

My wife always fights dirty, treats me with contempt, keeps me on a short leash emotionally, initiates little if any tender moments, continually takes all the money out of our joint bank accounts whenever she thinks I’ve had enough of her abuse, then puts it all back again after we agree to an uneasy truce….but, she always says to me, “You’ve never had it so good because I stay home and shop, clean, pay the bills, do landscaping, etc.” Like somehow living with Hitler is good because he makes the trains run on time. I’m on my way out….

Malka Ringel says December 7, 2018

Right on target. I know better. My x will always blame someone else for situations he himself created! It defies belief! Thanks for this

J. Michael Norton says December 6, 2018

Kim you are so correct in your advice and predictions about the narcicist

Hope says December 5, 2018

My cheating/lying narc called me from an unknown number on my birthday after I successfully blocked him for 9 months and love bombed me. I listened to the charming love bomb of a conversation, but after being aware of all the tricks from reading Kim Saeed’s awesome blog this was my response in a text that I sent him, then I immediately reblocked him once it was delivered:

“I am not sure what your intentions were reaching out to me almost a year after you got caught lying repeatedly to me about your affairs, but calling me on Friday was a shitty thing to do and reflects your gross sense of entitlement. It is obvious that you were dating other women during the entire length of our relationship. What you did to me was unacceptable and reflects not only your lack of integrity but your lack of respect for women. You chose to continue pursuing other women, travelled to Mexico with a different woman than me, and are most likely in multiple intimate relationships today. I am not looking for a partner with these type of character flaws. Therefore, please leave me alone.”
Thank you Kim for your work in helping woman like me become more aware of these type of men who are not worthy of becoming true life partners. Happy Holidays!!

Shirley Akpelu says December 4, 2018

Yes, Kim, I deserve to be happy and I get triggered sometimes with the narc’s antics of not providing or abusing through the silent treatment. I know I am being smeared right now and I don’t care. He can say whatever he wants to and if the flying monkeys want to believe him so be it, just don’t come back to me ever. You were evil then and you are evil now. I just want to heal and move on to bigger and better opportunities. I learned a valuable lesson that money cannot buy. Trust your gut, forgive yourself and love and out your self first. Stop trying to save evil people. We already have a Savior. Redirect them to Him and leave them at His Throne. Leave them alone too.

    Christina says December 4, 2018

    Thank you

    Your a life saviour. May the lord richly bless you for all you do.

Anonymous says September 27, 2018

I could take pages writing about the narcissists in my life over tIme. What amazes me, is how many are out there!!!! I was in a relationship for two years, was clueless, but realized over time I was not happy and eventually got out of said relationship. Initially he ‘love-bombed me’ then when he got me started destroying my self-esteem, isolating me from others, getting me to quite jobs due to his “concern” about hours being too long, too long a commute. In truth he didn’t want me having an independent source of income and for one job, being surrounded by mostly males. He’d try and tell me how to dress, if he saw I was enjoying myself he’d work on spoiling it for me. If he got me to cry, he was a happy camper!!! I foolishly moved out of state and I know now, he thought he had me totally isolated only to find friends in my home state calling and making plans to visit me! Everything he knew about me when dating me, became things to fix, be it the little bit of makeup I wore, my clothing/style..even my cat!! He was horribly jealous of my cat..and yes, the cat disappeared when we were out of state. he put forth a good effort of looking for it…I’ll never know what happened to that dear cat. Happily we returned to my home state and as he got more controlling and abusive to the point he moved out (even then he demanded I go with him to help him find an apartment! Proudly I told him no. We settled on seeing each other on weekends and that gave me the time away from him to realize how unhappy I was and I broke it off. He played the drama queen and even cried, but I stood my ground. After we broke it off, he sent me a letter professing to care so much and offered financial assistance if I needed it (Hoovering!!) I stood my ground. When I did that, then the threats started…so I called his best friend and told him I’d call the cops and if he ran I knew he’d run to him and I could tell the cops where to look. (he threatened to blow up my car!) So gone for good!!! whew. I dated another guy and as I look back I can see he was a narcissist also. If I or others didn’t do or act exactly as he wished he would punish us by setting a time frame when he would not deal with us…then come back into our lives promising all sorts of good things…never try and share food with this guy, he would grab and eat so fast with no concern for the other person. He was cheap to a fault and yet he made tons of money. I moved away and he followed and doted on me to the extreme, but the long distance relationship was enough to get me dating another and I gave him the boot and watched how he manipulated others from a distance. whew I’m a slow learner arent’ I? I fell terribly ill and had a woman gaslight me horribly and torment me with phone calls and bizarre demands and then tell me “your perceptions are off.” She had me really questioning my sanity until a friend pointed out what she was doing! I told her to get lost, never use my phone number to contact me and reported her to a Social Worker so she would know her actions were on record. Due to my illness her actions impacted me horribly and I’m just now starting to shake off the ‘darkness’ she spread. People if your instinct around a person is a negative gut feeling, listen to it and get away from that person asap!!!!!! Spare yourself the suffering. You deserve much better!

Michelle says September 24, 2018

I have a 27 year old daughter that has treated me like hell for the past years, since since she has been 9 years old , her 23 yr oldvsister was murdered 5 yrs ago,,SHE WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT than her narcissistic sister I live I live in South & (Amanda) lives in upstate NY, SHE KEEPS ME FROM MY TWO GRANDGIRLS, I FEEL SO LOST & DESTROYED….?

Lara says September 24, 2018

Hi Kim,
Mine came home to.changed door locks.
I was watching your lectures for almost 2 months before I realised that I was married to a narcissist.
It’s almost been a year since, and 19 years married.
Thankyou for you amazing lectures.

    Kim Saeed says September 24, 2018

    Thank you for stopping by and sharing your story, Lara. I am very happy to know you are rebuilding and healing. Wishing you all the very best as you move forward.

    Kim XoXo

How to Leave a Narcissist When You're Still in Love - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says September 6, 2018

[…] You know the situation needs to change, but how long will you last before the narcissist pulls you back in with their fake apologies and sob stories about how they’ve realized their wrong-doings?  How they had ‘The Divine Epiphany’? […]

Tiffany says August 31, 2018

I just recently had to leave my ex boyfriend for being this way. I have two children with him and have been going through hell for four years of my life. He hurt me mentally and physically throughout those years. I walked out two weeks ago trying to find piece. Several times and still today he is begging me to come back home he wants to marry me and have his life back. That if I come home he will never raise his voice at me or lay a hand on me again. Just basically everything that was said up at the top. It scares me because I have never though in my whole life there were such cruel people out in this world. One of the hardest things to do in life is walking out on someone you dedicated your life to and basically worshiped the ground he or she walked on because they didn’t feel the same about you. And the hardest thing to accept?? That they never really loved you nor cared for you.

5 Compelling Signs That Scream It’s Time to Leave - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says August 27, 2018

[…] Narcissists are absolute geniuses at telling you what you want to hear at just the right moment to keep you hooked in the relationship. […]

Julie. Raymond says August 26, 2018

Remember,stepparents are also narcissists.Mst of these traits described my stepmother to a T.She always gaslighted my father and me ,with ridicule,saying things to me like “Other kids talk about you,”,and it was ALWAYS my fault, never hers.Called me nasty names,etc,Even said to me she didn,t care if I had a home or not,Not sure I believe the part about not being able to change.She didn,t.but most don’t people do.

Anonymous says August 15, 2018

I have just realized I’m with a narcissist- that being said, all the above apply

Kerry says August 3, 2018

All so true – I feel like such a fool for staying in the relationship for as long as I did – 10 months, but I can others have stayed for many years. He left me last night and now I can see why. I have been researching narcissism for months – I was onto him and stopped reacting to all his devaluing comments. He was scared – he could see that I now knew who he was. The final straw was probably me telling him that I had started to see a psychologist – at his request for my “craziness “. I don’t think he thought I’d actually go through with it. One session with my psychologist and it was so clear what I had to do. Saying it out loud to someone and not being able to see any real substantial positives in my partner when the psychologist asked me to describe the things I loved about him, was what I needed to hear. Thank you for these sites. All the best everyone. I know I’ve still got a great deal of healing to do – I cut myself last night when he ended it, even though I knew it was for the best.

Anonymous says July 28, 2018

Oh, Baby, I am so proud of you , no matter how you feel, you did the right thing! That often Is the Last Revenge! I feel for you and hope for the best for you!

Janey says July 28, 2018

This no contact is an Excellent Article- I needed a ride to the store the other day to pick up a prescription and she is getting more violent by the time, finally, I stood up to everybody, even a doctor and nurse who break confidentiality- and I hope the store has this on tape- she said, ” I’m gonna leave if you don’t mind my rulings!” I smiled and said, “Just go through the garden department and pay out and show your receipt and leave the way you came in!” She did! The boltars came and Protected ME! I’m glad for a caring Sargent and for officer A.K. and for Officer M! Thank you!

Irina says July 8, 2018

What people should be aware of is that this type of behavior usually hides severe psychological problems. My ex ticked all the boxes of an NPD and the abuse I was subjected to as well. When I finally said no to his hoovering and took back control of my life, he decided to abuse me one last time.. he committed suicide and made it such way for me to find him… his ultimate revenge and control, leaving me scarred for life.

So, leave as fast as you can.

    patricia says September 27, 2018

    I’m so sorry his narcissism took such a dark turn. I do hope, over time you have healed and can move on. They are monsters!

    J says January 16, 2020

    Mine has threatened suicide 3 times over a 10 day period if I don’t get back into a relationship with him. In detail, and shares how I will suffer when he’s gone. He says I think things will be better by being alone, but it won’t, it will be much harder (with finances, child not being with both parents).

    ON these occasions, I responded in these ways:
    I recommended the suicide hotline. He said he’s not depressed, he wants a family. They work with depressed people.
    I told him I care about his happiness and finding solutions for us to both be financially stable, without being together.
    I told him it’s his choice what he does.
    And on the final occasion after his attempts at persuading me to be in a relationship, then him attacking my character, then threatening suicide, I told him…Your choice. You can talk to me from the grave. (My detachment has evolved tremendously.)

    He delivers those type of messages in person. My therapist said as long as I allow him to my home, he will think he’s welcome. We have a child, and I had tried the genuine kindness (not overly kind though, more politeness and being in good spirits), but he isn’t accepting that we are over as a couple. I took a trip out of town and don’t respond to his rambling “let’s be together” texts. So over it. Happy to report that the confusion/love/emotionally painful part seems to have passed. I could feel the shifts happening a bit at a time, as the reality of what I’m dealing with became more apparent. It’s taken 6 months to completely get there, with all the gaslighting, love confessions, future aspirations to focus on, pity parties, shift blaming. He was on a 2 week pattern of good, good good and when I don’t reciprocate his feelings/needs, it goes dark…then love, love, love… exhausting. Now, it’s the uncertainty of what he will be up to next, that gets to me for a few moments, on occasion. But even that is fading…THANKFULLY!

    I don’t know how I would react or what I would go thru if he committed suicide, because I’ve learned that I don’t always react they way I think I would. I have no idea if I would be okay or not, ya know. I’m scared to say I think I’d be okay, because it may seem cold-hearted, however, knowing I would not having to deal with him would be a relief. I definitely hope he stabilizes and moves on, even if I have to take our child away with me to stay safe and sound. Right now, I don’t have hopes anymore that we can co-parent without all the gaslighting and hoovering.

    He’s a cerebral, too. Psychologically dangerous. He would definitely spin circles around a therapist.

Debra Sheridan says July 2, 2018

My daughter of 35 is married with 4 children. We were never really close but I apparently gave her a narcissistic injury right after her 3rd child was born. Since then she has covertly used the grandchildren (now 4) of them over the long game to hurt me more and more and more through the grandkids to the point that she no longer talks to or sees my husband or I. My biggest concern is for the 2grandchildren who are now 11 and 9 and have really watched their Mom say and do crazy things to me in front of them. The children adore me but are afraid to barely speak unless for 2 minutes she isn’t watching them. My heart is so broken for me and the loss of those grand children and it is also broken for the fear and manipulation in their life. There is so very little mentioned about grandchildren and I would suppose that is because the narcissists parent has complete control. Do I still go to no contact with my daughter when the grandchildren are involved. Please give me a deeper answer than “there is nothing you can do”. Do I stick around for them or know she will get them to believe in her ultimately? I think they will already suffer the PTSD from extreme religion and EVERYTHING being about church! Thank you, Debra

Melanie Mushet says June 5, 2018

I have been getting terribly abused since my partner got out of prison. He’s stolen from me and of my daughter, is abusive and aggressive to myself and both daughters, cruel beyond belief, I now have to get myself checked for stds. I have went no contact but it usually lasts a week then he appears at my door. After a horrific Friday I spent the whole night like a prisoner in my own home,went to work on Saturday only for him to steal £80 from my daughters room. He was in prison for attempted murder,he smashed his fathers face in leaving him for dead, turned on the gas and left the house. I’m terrified but feel strong going no contact this time, I feel nothing but disgust of him now, no sorrow, no love,hate.

    Kim Saeed says June 6, 2018

    Yes, if you have children living with you, you must get this guy out of your life for good. Get a restraining order against him and take all necessary measures to protect your daughters. They need you.


Faith says June 3, 2018

I have heard them all.

Anonymous says May 31, 2018

I haven’t seen him for decades & I have NO feelings for him at all anymore as I know from the past its BAD NEWS! I’m not that stupid!

Sherory says May 31, 2018

I thought u were talking about my husband but now I know it’s not him since we don’t have a sex life which is ok now. A guy I met years ago would probably be the

Anonymous says April 29, 2018

Mine recently told me at least I come home every night, it could be worse.

    Kim Saeed says April 30, 2018

    Hopefully, he came back home to changed door locks and a ‘No Trespassing’ sign. What a cad…

    Michel Ellison says June 18, 2018

    WOW. I have heard that line many times. I could be out cheating, I could be gone for days and days….. why aren’t you happy with what you have. It could be worse!

      Anonymous says August 15, 2018

      Mine would say at least I never hit you….when I told him he was emotionally abusive.

Erika says January 8, 2018

Because of a few articles ive read so far, ive gained some strength. I slightly slio into missing him mode but i come back to reality asks me where I’m at or the insults start flying out of control from his mouth and then i remember that i have no business loving a person like that. Does the narcissist know what he’s doing? Does a person so evil truly exist? How is it possible for them to not to feel empathy or remorse for making me, etc

Lorri says January 6, 2018

My husband put me in the hospital on June 27th of 2017, dislocated my shoulder, tore four tendons several contusions to my left wrist and embedded his nails into my skin all by his left hand and over his stupid phone. He pled guilty to the officers but he wont apologize to me nor have anything to do with me. It’s like I disgust him and we only stay in contact because we have a daughter together and I have a PO against him for a whole year until august of this year since the time of the incident and he has to stay 200 yards away from me and my daughter and he has visitations with her, standard but not overnight.

Yet I want to continue to email him and then I complain after he responds to me based on how he responds, or he will do the same and it’s back and forth and no peace, nothing and he blames me for everything. Married 6 years together 8 and I’m in this whole new world…I’m scared, confused, lost and searching for comfort peace and just a simple simile……

Our mediation is coming up very soon, January 24th of this month. Includes divorce and joint custody agreement stuff…


Anonymous says December 24, 2017

This so describes my cheating manipulating bully of a husband of 36 years! How the hell did this happen to me Hopefully this article will WAKE me up so Watch this space….

Anonymous says December 20, 2017

so true I have had 20 years and suspected he was a sociopathic narcissist and you’re post just confirmed he is as everything written applies to him.i can at last see why he behaved like he has. thankyou

Shelley B says October 4, 2017

Omg!! I didn’t even know that my husband is a narcissist!
When I finally left March 2016, after 20 horrifying yrs….I am free!! I am ticking ALL the boxes relating to narcissism…even the marriage proposal lol ?. I can laugh now, because I have finally gotten away. But…why did I live like that for so long?? It is all making sense now, even the infidelities!! But I didn’t know about those either! Until I was away from him….my husband…my abusing narcissist husband. Ps: does domestic violence come hand in hand with a narc? I think so! Thank you for these wonderful articles.

Anonymous says September 21, 2017

Scary how true this all is…even the wording is the same. My ex husband would say at least I come home every night… I was taken in by all his lies and manipulations because I has no idea what a narcissist truly was. So glad I finally escaped, though 25 years of marriage took its toll on both my kids and me. I just had no idea someone could be so evil. Thanks for writing this.

    Kim Saeed says September 21, 2017

    Glad to know it resonated with you and provided validation, Anon. Thanks for stopping by!

    Kim XoXo

Ann says September 1, 2017

Here’s a reason that I haven’t seen out there for why narcissists leave: when they can no longer look down on you. They also leave any time they feel they cannot control you or when they feel that they may be about to not be able to control you. Narcissists are very fragile and that’s why they have to control everything and everyone around them and feel that they are better than everyone else. If these things are no longer the case or even threatening to no longer be the case or if they even imagine that they may no longer be able to be the case, they leave. This is not in response to a comment. I just want to get this out there on every narcissist site that I can. Also, for those of you trying to hold onto a narcissist: to do so is to extremely limit yourself as a person. They are impossible to please. They take out their misery on those around them and they are almost always miserable. the only time they’re not is after a good dose of narcissistic supply. They also get bored easily so the NS has to change frequently for it to give them their fix. And they don’t care a whit about the supplier, just the supply. I hope this helps someone out there.

    Anonymous says September 21, 2017

    Yes very true. Timing is another tool and they will jump when they feel their situation is in jeopardy. Always trust your instincts – I believed in love and sanctity of marriage more than I believed in my own ability to interpret red flags.

Teresa says September 1, 2017

He said he realized I was the “one”. He was wrong he was sorry he would change. He loved me and do whatever it took. I finally gave in and agreed to try again. All the while he was out of state with another woman.

Surviving a Narcissist says August 6, 2017

Why is this happening to me! Ugh. We have children, so No Contact will be nearly impossible. I had a clue he was narcissistic when he was NEVER wrong and blamed his cheating on me, but I didn’t really know what I was up against. Everything in this article he has done. So sad. Wow, this article is true, true and sadly true.
Lastly, I enjoyed the video also.


Anonymous says May 21, 2017

Omg! This was the truth for me down to every last word !

Priscilla says May 15, 2017

Whenever I read these stories, it’s as if you’re describing my life. You haven’t left out a single point about his behavior.

And although I’m trying to move on, he just won’t stop in trying to get me back yet at the same time blaming me for the breakup.

All your points were bang on. Who knew that many of these creatures exist? I wonder what I ever saw in him.

Mary says May 14, 2017

I left a narcissist in the second stage of grooming – i.e the second stage after grooming – the devaluation, prior to the complete take down of abandonment. I’m so glad I got out alive!

Christa says May 11, 2017

Kim, you mention the cerebral narcissist here. Can you point me to more info about that?

April says December 18, 2016

Yeah but how do you end it when you have kids together??? It’s not like I can go get a mental abuse PGA against him to help me keep him away.
I can’t believe how stupid I was and are.

    April says December 18, 2016

    Oops PFA

Once-upon-a-victim says November 27, 2016

The point about “I’ll go to therapy” was my (now ex) husband to a T. One of his mistresses, the one he married when when our divorce was final, was also a “psych nurse” (a peer counselor, and also a narcissist, sexually-addicted, and a user of rather epic proportions). She fed him lingo, as did his therapist. I was so sure I was crazy at the end.

We have total no-contact, but only because he loved money more than the power, for which I am grateful. I’m sure he knows where I am – it’s really hard to hide these days – but I will be changing my name sometime in the future, and to something unrelated in every way. I hope that gives him the slip.

I had to change my entire life to do it: my career (it was very public), my location, everything.

Mrs Wallpaper says September 2, 2016

I had successfully been No Contact for over a year when I got sentimental near our wedding anniversary and responded to one of his “form letter” emails. Then he tricked me into giving him my address when he said he wanted to send me a apology letter. I never got the letter and the other emails I sent him trying to get a connection went unanswered. He got what he wanted and didn’t need me anymore. He just wanted the satisfaction of knowing he could still manipulate me. Back to square one.

    Kim Saeed says September 22, 2016

    Hi Mrs. Wallpaper,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it provides a word of warning to anyone who reads it, as it’s proof that even when they pretend to be remorseful and want to “make amends”, it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

    I wish you all the very best in your healing…


    Madeleine says June 23, 2018

    Mrs. Wallpaper,
    You are a wonderful brave woman. I have read your post and your honesty and bravery are evident. You as are okay and minor setbacks are a part of our recovery and healing. Much love to you x.

L, says August 28, 2016

So I tried no contact… Then he broke into my home so I needed to do a Domestic Violence Order (Protection ORder) and now he is doing a counter Order against me. All in an attempt to keep some form of tie to me, to stop me from enjoying my life without him, and to absorb anything that is mine that he couldn’t completely get before. Will it ever end?

    Kim Saeed says August 28, 2016

    Hi L. They are so predictable. It will be obvious to the Judge that since he is the one that broke into your home that he is the primary aggressor. Judges are used to abusers doing this. There may possibly be “mutual” restraining orders, but if he has no evidence, he’s going to end up making himself look like a fool in court, much like mine did when I had to file a restraining order – and won, pro se against my EX and his attorney.

    Document everything. Don’t engage or communicate with him, and let your attorney handle everything.

      L. says August 28, 2016

      Thanks Kim, trouble is, each event has a different police report that needs to be handled separately. Even though, I ‘know’ he broke in, he didn’t leave finger prints (coz he use to visit), so they haven’t got ‘evidence’. The DVO is to be heard separately, as is the event 13 months ago when he says I ran him over. All dealt with separately. It’s a crazy system. .. However, he has nothing to pin on my, only his word that I ran him over… And he’s the one with a previous Domestive Violence Order and a Mental Disability Pension. Hope that is worth something towards his ‘character’.
      Wish me luck today when I stand in court, again.

        Kim Saeed says August 29, 2016

        Good luck, L.! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    Debbie says August 2, 2017

    With any luck, he will latch onto some other poor woman and then you won’t hear from him again. My creepy ex-husband stalked me regularly and then suddenly stopped. He hooked another fish! Lucky me! I never heard from him again but I have always felt very badly for wife #2.

      Anonymous says September 5, 2017

      This is what happened to me…blessing but, I feel sorry for his new victim.

Veronica says August 4, 2016

NO CONTACT!!! LIFE IS WONDERFUL !!! never go back!

    original gangster says August 6, 2016

    This x1000! The only way you can rid yourself of them is serious NC. It’ll be hard but it is SO worth it. My life is so much better now. It’s been a year since I last saw my ex who showed up at my apt in FULL hoover mode. Gifts and asking to “talk”. I told him it wasn’t a good time and took his “gift”. Lol, he left and I didn’t see him again. Must’ve realized his little charade didn’t work anymore. I think about how happy I am without him EVERY day. I’ve got a new BF and couldn’t be happier. No drama, no games, no silent treatment, no cheating, no BS, it’s wonderful.
    Relationships aren’t HARD, you shouldn’t be wondering constantly or working at it. If you are questioning it…it’s probably wrong.

Anonymous says July 31, 2016

Holy. I’ve read several of your articles and they were all spot on. Since I, by chance, stumbled upon some meme or quote describing a narcissist, I searched more about them (and came across your page). I so wish I could’ve properly diagnosed my ex 2 years ago immediately after our breakup, when I was literally dying from how much I was suffering. The explanation for everything he had done would’ve brought me more comfort. I still to this day am affected though… I fear that this trauma will never completely vanish. 🙁 Although I came such a long way in 2 years, I am still hurt and on bad days (like when I PMS), I find myself blaming myself still to this day, or feeling like I’m not enough. I’m too scared of dating again because I have an immense fear that everybody will eventually become “bored of me.” I also am pessimistic because I believed he was my soulmate and now I have this “fuck people” mentality/outlook. 🙁 Blah. Sorry for the rant. But I wanted to say you are fantastic and so knowledgable. Whenever I feel like crap, I read a couple of your articles and it helps slow down my heart rate and alleviate my anxiety. I wish I could talk to you face to face. I feel like one conversation with you would cure me forever.

    MLS says March 24, 2017

    Yes. Soulmates…to barely surviving to an angry, bitter person…now coming out of that. Two years of hell. I finally let go and stopped pursuing him. I’m over him. And then, bam. Guess who wants to “work things out?” I’m so tired of the gaslighting and the word salad. I can’t go back there. If he’s not a narcissist, then why would most of the things I read about narcissism perfectly describe him?!? WAKE UP, ME. Do not go back to that hell!

Audrey says July 23, 2016

All of it true for me for many years. I’m nearly four years free. And no contact works for me. However he uses that as his excuse to not contact his kids. I am ‘mad,psychotic, a control freak etc’. And him and his now wife have put it all over social media that i am the narcissist.And for a time I believed that. I questioned my therapist and support worker. At the beginning I felt that possibly it was me!!
Then on their recommendation I read up on it. And realised that this was part of the plan.

So now his parents are 100 percent behind him. They would defend and save him until their dying breath. They now try to manipulate my children in order to get the kids to remind their own father that he is one! My children are mentally exhausted with their behaviour.
It has now come to light that their fathers wife has been deleting some of the messages regarding contact and access. It would seem that he is now being controlled himself. Karma! However. It’s bittersweet. It’s my children who are suffering because of it.
It takes great strength to keep it all together. And my life has changed for the better in so many ways. There is no way I would go back. So with lots of communication,honesty,understanding and love I know I will get the kids through this challenge as well.
It was articles like yours which helped me through and I’m sure there is someone out there reading it getting through their own next stage.

    Kim says August 29, 2017

    My daughter gives me the silent treatment regularly. She learned it from her father, who is textbook narcissist. Unfortunately she controls when I’m allowed to see my grandbaby, who I am very attached to. These posts are all about men-women-partner relationships; what do you do when it’s your daughter? And they’re telling everyone it’s ME that has the prob. But I’ll tell you what -i have NEVER given someone i loved the silent treatment! Never even thought about it! Cuz with me, all my cards are on the table. You always know where you stand with me. I don’t play games; life’s too short. And it’s not fair to other people to play games. Its been 2 1/2 mos since I’ve seen my grandbaby (she’s 2) or talked to my daughter. It’s killing me! I babysat that baby for 10 mos, every week! Does anybody have any suggestions?

Anna Nim says July 21, 2016

Textbook!!!! All these were done to me. Only saving grace, is I had found out WHAT my *love* was from this site, so I had armor against the snake charmer. I didn’t go NC right away, but I didn’t get sucked into lala land and was able to extract myself in just a matter of months.

    kimraya says July 21, 2016

    Fine work, Anna! So glad to know you are out of that situation and living true to yourself!

    Tisha says August 28, 2017

    I dated a childhood friend for 93 days and reading this and being a #LicensedClinicalTherapist made me so made at myself.I think within that 93 days I broke it off with this guy like 4 times.My whole being was saying he was too good to be true.I am widowed by 2 years with child.This guy became my deceased husband to my child and myself.He sweetened the deal by saying he woule habe nvr approached me if he was not ready and willing to be in a real relationship.He showered my son and I with gifts,dates,and meals.Then he asked me to help with his grown daughter and grandchild and I refused based on the fact,he wanted to move in with me and bring them.I said I was not ready and it was like I killed his dog.He started avoiding me.Acting like he was busy.Then he said I was wrong what I said about his daughter and he could not get pass it.He then started blaming me for losing money by being with me.He says he job was stressful and he needed to work and focus on his money.
    You guessed it he disappeared for 9 days.
    I would call him and he would start talking crazy like I was unfaithful and selfish. He said I was not the woman he fell in love with that I changed.He started saying I was crazy.So I disappeared,lol.I went on a girl’s trip.But later he texted we talked so more but he nvr would come over.Found out through his son,that he had return back to his exe who he claim treated him so bad.
    Welp,things got worse cause he had got a credit card on my account and messenger a few friends and family members saying I was botherinh him and I was unstable.
    I went no contact with credit card fraud and restraining order.
    I am now writing a book???

    In pain says August 30, 2017

    How did you manage to getaway? I keep going back and it hurts every time, I need help don’t know how to go no contact.?

      Shelley b says October 4, 2017

      Don’t answer the phone, do not have contact with him. Do not listen to his crap

      Maria says December 4, 2018

      You decide that you want to be happy for the rest of your life. Block his number. No text will come through, if he calls, your phone will not ring but he will be able to leave you a message and your voicemail. As soon as you hear his voice hit delete. I mean it. I softened up after 9 weeks because he left on the early crying very very drunk message saying all my love all my life. It’s threw me into a tailspin. You must not listen to his voice. Block him on Facebook and any other social media. Do not go anywhere that you might run into him. Every time you think about the good times remember something horrible that he said or did to you. If he comes to your door look at him lock it and say leave or I’ll call the police. If you get mail from him write return to sender blackout your address and throw it in the mailbox. Don’t read anything from him don’t accept anything from him do not listen to any voice messages. I really mean it you have to do all of this. I am out a year-and-a-half and every single thing that is written about narcissist fits this person. I have to say that I’m still in love with him but I have decided to love me more.please do all of the things that I suggested. Also see if you can go to counseling to help you. Read all the articles you can about narcissism. It will help you so much. But at those moments when you’re by yourself and you start thinking how could he not love me? How could he not be nice to me? Just answer yourself, because he has a very very sick person. He is not even a real person. He is a narcissist. There is something very very wrong with him and you need to keep away from him so he cannot hurt you anymore. ?

Sylvie says July 20, 2016

I am out of my relation with my narcissist now luckily,
But now he manipulates our kids,in particular our son, who feels guilty and obligated to continue contact with him, even after his father was abusive to him.
Any advice on how to protect him, it is very hard to witness, and he is only 14.

Giselle says July 20, 2016

Bwahahaha! I am pretty sure I’ve heard all of those. So happy to not be involved in that charade anymore.
To anyone who still is you CAN get out and you WILL be happier. I promise!

    kimraya says July 21, 2016

    Wise words, Giselle. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      In pain says August 30, 2017

      How do i stay no contact i Keep going back and it’s horrific every time. Please help me.

        Kim Saeed says September 3, 2017

        Hi, In Pain,

        This is Kim’s assistant. If you are looking for resources to help you, here are two options:

        Consulting – Kim does a limited amount of consulting. Her minimum is a one-hour consultation. I would be happy to give you information on this option if you are interested.

        The Essential No Contact Bootcamp. Kim’s online course has helped hundreds of people like you to detach from painful relationships and begin healing. Her course would help you navigate your situation. It includes a private Facebook group of supportive and positive people, as well.

        You’re certainly under no obligation to purchase anything, but others in your shoes have found great benefit in the personal resources that Kim offers. Either way, we hope you enjoy the rest of your week!

Andrew says July 20, 2016

Just like a politician!

Jennifer says July 19, 2016

Hoo boy, did that hit home! We had at least a dozen tearful breakups/reunifications and one gigantic tsunami when he ‘admitted’ his sex addiction. Funny thing, though, when he couldn’t get me to respond to his drama, his sex addiction magically disappeared and he became a ‘normal guy with needs’ I wasn’t meeting. Every day I wake up and thank the Universe I’m not in Crazytown any more.

Katie Abbitt says July 19, 2016

I never listened to that voice inside that told me to run. That voice was screaming at me many times but I ignored it…or didn’t understand it…or believed by ex when he minimized/dismissed my fears and concerns.

But, I’m out now and I’m learning each day how not to allow him to use his sneakiness to have any more power over me. I haven’t had any contact for 13 days! I’m feeling great and not so great all at once.

We have a baby together and my family has been kind enough to help me out with this no contact thing for 30 days until I am stronger to communicate with him myself (via email and only about our baby). My mom, sister and stepmom take turns caring for our baby while we work. During His drop off/pick ups with my family, they say how nice, appreciative, happy and charismatic he is. In turn, my family is friendly, kind and respectful toward him. My family doesn’t know half of what he has done. They just don’t fully understand the psychological and emotional abuse he inflicted. He is Mr. Wonderful and it’s as if he has no reason to be accountable to them or to me for what he has done. In his mind, he has done nothing. Logically, I know this isn’t true but I can’t help but feel this is a win for him. Another loss for me.

This article helps me to put it in perspective though and to remind myself that his “act” is just another way to keep me down.

    D says September 6, 2016

    Hi Katie Abbit, Your story sounds exactly like mine. We also have a baby together, so i need to stay in contact. Because my family lives in another country. ( I am really on my own) I have his family who is supporting me, but they dont get his problem. can i maybe have contact with you privately?

cramassy says July 19, 2016

Thank you for your post. It’s always good to remind ourselves that no matter how compassionate and loving we are, sometimes we just have to put our own lives first. I wondered what was wrong with my ex and why, no matter what I did, many times he would be cold, withdrawn and emotionally absent. After I broke up with him, I did a lot of reading (thank you for your words of wisdom too) and found out that he is a malignant narcissist. His behaviour towards me had been getting increasingly weird, sexually demanding and bordering on dangerous. I learned from all my research that I was a mere prop; simply someone who fulfilled his needs. It was very hard for me to accept that I was a con man’s victim, but I began to believe this to be true. Then I went recently to visit an old man who’d known my ex’s family intimately in the past. He saw my heartbreak and agreed with me that my ex was manipulative and cunning. However, he shed light on how he had become like this, informing me reluctantly, but out of necessity (he felt) that my ex had been sexually abused as a child by a female carer. My elderly friend had come to know this and had felt uncomfortable about the information for many years (my ex is in his 40s) but couldn’t speak of it as my ex’s family are high profile people in our community. This information completed for me the jigsaw of how my ex had become the twisted, woman hating, emotional train wreck that he is. It saddens me to think that it must be so that some abusive men have come to hate all women due to sexual abuse. They play out that deeply repressed hate by seeking a dark and malicious, but very sincere revenge. Their narcissistic abuse is directed subconsciously at their abuser, but whoever their partner is at present must pay the price. In short: my story is about a man sexually abused by a female carer who then tried to destroy me as a proxy. Knowing what I now know about him makes me shudder as he may have tried to kill me eventually. It happens. I am grateful that I escaped from this man and now I pity him for being the chaotic and damaged creature he became. I understand fully (having read extensively about men who’ve been sexually abused) that this abuse is every bit as damaging for a man as it is for a woman. It is very difficult for anyone to face, to confront, to accept and to find appropriate therapy. I have been advised by my therapist to consider myself lucky to be alive. I still feel sad about his lost childhood and the wrecked life of another human being though. How many of our abusers were themselves abused? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

    Selane says July 24, 2016

    Your story sounds exactly like mine. I have joined a support group on face book. Narcissist Support, it’s a closed group, safe place full of victims from across the world. Just fyi if you’re interested. It’s good to hear the story of others that clarify things in your own life. Good luck to you

n8tivegirl says July 18, 2016

These types of relationships effect you down to your core, you wonder if you will survive. When you finally realize, that you can’t fix them, but you can however secure you. There is this freedom, or rather urge to run and never look back. You will however, you carry the wounds with you in your spirit. but they joy is that you made it, that they didn’t break you. You survived the storm. No more mind games, no more beating yourself up to be this perfect person. You are already perfect, they just weren’t. Eventually you will love again. #lifelessonthehardway.

    kimraya says July 18, 2016

    Love it <3 <3 <3

      Gods Glory says July 26, 2016

      Kim.. You inspire many, your blog gives courage and offers hope. Please continue writing and sharing with women. There are a lot of caterpillars striving to be butterflies.

        kimraya says July 26, 2016

        Wow, thank you so much, Val! I don’t have plans to go anywhere 🙂 <3 <3 <3 Thank you for your sweet praise and encouragement!

desns says July 18, 2016

I feel that feeling at the center of my pit wen iv realized things don’t add up or wen he just avoids my question by saying something that had nothing in regards to the question or gets explosive and begins to tet put me downs on wat an idiot I am etc then comes home and acts like he just didn’t cut me down to size just recently I was told by him that his a grown man who can do wat he want but because he nows my feelings will be hurt he don’t do things this is after Iwanted the marriage to end never apologizing for all the harsh words that make me feel like nothing never does he apologize as if I deserved it he acts as thou he is the victim and I need to change witch has me second quessing myself confusing my feelings towards everything wondering if his write its me I’m doing this to us and I wonder to myself could I be the narcist I feel over jealous of other women or of him excessively watching TV on his phone but he implanted this feeling by wat he has done in front of me towards women and by acting like I’m not here watching TV on his phone 24/7 and then saying I’m over reacting or stop being jealous bitch ever time I question wats going on I don’t now any more I feel iv lost myself

    kimraya says July 18, 2016

    I remember that feeling well, desns. I didn’t find myself again until I cut my ex out of my life…because I finally realized things would never change. If he makes you question yourself and the relationship, he’s not the one for you.


Will I ever learn says July 18, 2016

I keep doing the same thing over and over and over again. I’ve never allowed him back into my home or my child’s life but I do respond when he texts me. I’ve also never accepted his invitation to meet up and “talk” so that we can try and “work things out”. And this invitation was given while he was in a relationship and living with the person! The worst comes out in me when he contacts me, I am mean and vicious and very verbally abusive to him but only after I’ve been attacked verbally. I don’t want to get wrapped up in this never ending drama cycle but can’t stay no contact. I am good for a while and then feel I am strong enough to not answer him but always do. Two things, 1) why does he take my verbal abuse and me telling him that he is nothing but a loser and drunk who can’t hold a job when there are other sources who don’t know him like I do and he would have a much easier time sweet talking them vs. taking my insults etc. 2) why, being very well educated on this person and knowing he has been this way his entire life, do I continue to think he has finally changed? I want to contact his current GF but know that she will not listen. They have been broken up several times, every time which he has gotten back in touch with me, and she always goes back. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

    kimraya says July 18, 2016

    Hi, Will I ever learn. The hard truth is that unless you can find a way to go No Contact, you will be stuck in this purgatory forever and ever, amen.

    I know it’s hard to fathom, but No Contact truly is the only way to get your life back. I remember back when I finally “got it”. I had an epiphany that my Ex would never change and if I wanted a better life for myself and my children, I would have to end the madness myself. It wasn’t easy, but now I forever grateful that I left.

    Wishing you all the best.

    P.S. – He takes your verbal abuse because it’s supply to him. Narcs like the drama. The fact that he can get such a rise out of you means that he has power over you (in his mind). Also, this isn’t a cognitive process. Even lawyers, doctors, and PhDs fall prey to this because it all has to do with subconscious wounds we have that may be far out of our awareness. It truly has nothing to do with intelligence…

    avesraggiana says July 23, 2016

    To, Will I ever learn.

    No, you’ll never learn, not on a thinking, cognitive level anyway. Our actions are always driven by which of our strongest emotions win out, no matter what our thinking mind says.

    Your attachment to your narcissist ex, and your apparent inability to stay away from him is happening at a level below your conscious, rational thinking. No matter how much you try to talk yourself into stay away, or talk yourself out of answering his texts, your strongest emotional impulse will override every rational thought, and win out.

    I’ll never want to talk to my narcissist-ex again, much less get back together with him. The very idea of it makes me recoil in horror.

Lisa G. says July 18, 2016

Awesome Kim!! I so needed this today and as always, you are the light of inspiration to me and fill me with your expert knowledge so I can understand the horrific things that this Narcissist has done to me in my life with him. I had no idea what my relationship was about for a few years until I found you and your blogs. I am so thankful for all your help and so much appreciate your counseling and informative blogs. I continue to strive to get better and heal from all the hurt and damage and can now understand the tactics and manipulations of these type of people. God Bless You Kim ~

    kimraya says July 18, 2016

    So glad to know my post resonated with you, Lisa, and possibly pulled you back from the precipice. I hope to continue to provide you with hope and healing <3


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