Why a narcissist leaves you

5 Dark Truths Behind the Dreaded “Discard”

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Anyone who knows anything about the phases of a relationship with a narcissistic individual understands, all too well, the dreaded “Discard” stage and the possible reasons why a narcissist leaves you.

If you’re just learning about narcissistic traits, the ‘discard phase’ is where you seemingly fall from grace in the narcissist’s eyes and they begin telling you all that’s supposedly “wrong” with you, why you’re not good relationship material, and often when they begin playing the field or returning to one of their exes.

For someone who’s deeply in love with the narcissist by this point, the discard can feel utterly devastating.  So much so that it often destroys lives.

Many people who feel they’ve been discarded truly believe that the narcissist will never give them the time of day again…indeed, that the narcissist can barely stand to be in the same room with them or even the sight of them.

To add insult to injury, they believe they’ll never see the narcissist again.

And in some cases, the narcissist does leave…never to be heard from again. 

But that’s not what usually happens.  If you are in the process of a seeming discard and would like to know why a narcissist leaves you, then follow closely, because the truth is, most discards are not what they initially seem.

 

The Truth Behind Most Discards and Why a Narcissist Leaves You

1 – Most discards are the beginning of the triangulation phase

…and the narcissist isn’t really ‘done’ with you yet. 

In your mind, everything was going along swimmingly when out of nowhere, the narcissist became disenchanted with the relationship. 

Suddenly, all the little things they first loved about you became the bane of their existence. 

Then, the narcissist started dropping hints about other people who were interested in them.  Perhaps a co-worker, someone they met at an AA meeting, or even an ex.

Before you knew it, the narcissist began ramping up their Silent Treatments or started showing complete indifference toward your relationship.  Try as you did, you could not gain back the narcissist’s affections.  You became “damaged goods”, completely unredeemable in their eyes.

This is one of the blueprint routines of narcissistic individuals.  As personal as it seems to you, it really is just a page out of their playbook.  It’s narc code 18.2-248: the only way they can make you understand what a good thing you’ve lost is to make you feel like a total dud.  Discarded people who feel like duds usually try to win back the love of a former partner because bad love is better than no love, right?

Tip – There is nothing more empowering to an injured narcissist than to have two people vying for their affections.  Not because the narcissist cares about either of them, but because it makes the narcissist feel commanding and elusive…a real catch.

2 – The seeds of discards consist of the narcissist’s partners inevitably expressing disappointment or displeasure in something the narcissist does or says. 

Maybe the narcissist started going dark on you, not answering your calls, and ignoring your text messages.  Maybe you caught them cheating.  Perhaps you grew tired of their ever-growing unemployment status.

Whatever it was, the narcissist couldn’t be bothered…and they needed to remind you of how valuable they are, especially since you pointed out one or more of their shortcomings. 

Plus, they needed to remind themselves of how “valuable” they are, hence the newcomer in their lives.  Someone who will give them unbridled attention, praise, and unsullied admiration. 

But, don’t be fooled by appearances.  The narcissist may be convincing, insisting that their new partner is all that you could never be, but the truth is, all the narcissist wants is someone who will fall for their fake charm while gaining a new (or recycled) admirer. 

Since you know what the narcissist is really like, you no longer fall into that category – even if you want to. 

But, to take advantage of your crushed heart, they will want to remain friends with you.  This is so they can tell you all about their new “love”, make you pine for them, and perhaps fall at their ankles in exchange for a crumb of their attention. 

If you’re really lucky, you and the narcissist can cheat on the narcissist’s new partner together. 

Tip – Don’t be shocked or confused by the narcissist acquiring a new partner and then wanting to see you on the side.  This is not a deep mystery.  There’s no possibility of the narcissist choosing one of you over the other.  There won’t be any a-ha epiphanies.  It’s simply a matter of triangulation. 

3 – Narcissists don’t want or need people they can attach to or form strong, emotional bonds with. 

What they need is constant, unswerving, unblemished validation.  Preferably from someone whom the narcissist believes is intelligent, successful, and most of all…diplomatic.

But, don’t believe for a second that if you give these things to them, your relationship can be salvaged.  The irony is if you give up your entire identity to placate the narcissist, they will become bored and repelled and seek new supply, anyway. 

Tip – Do not believe that once they “discard” you, you’re no longer intelligent or successful.  You might be distracted or unfocused due to emotional manipulation, but having been narcissistically abused is not a gauge for intelligence.  It’s not a cognitive matter. 

4 – By the time the discard happens, the narcissist has typically already groomed new supply.

The tiniest perceived insult drives the easily offended narcissist to seek out other supply who is naïve as a young lamb.  Don’t try to make rhyme or reason of it. 

A simple comment such as, “Whew, I can’t seem to get caught up with house cleaning, I think I’ll look into hiring someone a couple times a month” is interpreted by the narcissist as, “You’re a lazy good-for-nothing who never helps” (even if your comment was innocent, they know they’re a lazy good-for-nothing who never helps and took your comment as a direct verbal attack). 

The other alternative is that they don’t want you to spend money on a cleaning person, they want you to continue doing all the work so they can spend that money on themselves – and they want you to keep quiet about it.

Either way, while you’re on Care.com seeking a qualified housekeeper, they’re on various dating sites lining up your replacement. 

Tip – replacement does not equal true love or fairy tales for the narcissist.  Replacement = unlimited supply in the form of admiration, money, sympathy, and oodles of second chances.

5 – The narcissist hasn’t had The Divine Epiphany after having been apart from you

Any of us who’ve been caught up in the vicious cycle of abuse has fallen for narcissist’s Divine Epiphany.  You know, where the angels parted the clouds and instilled divine insight into the center of the narcissist’s brain that he or she is losing out on their only chance for true love.

And we fall for it…despite all the disastrous hoovering stints, the bait-and-switch games, and the failed attempts we’ve made at being a savior.  We truly believe the narcissist has seen the light and has come back to us a completely changed person.

As good as it feels in the moment, it’s simply another page out of their playbook

The Answer to Your Burning Question

…which is the same as everyone else’s who has been thrown out like yesterday’s meatloaf.

How do you know if the narcissist’s discarding of you is permanent or temporary?

There is no way to know for sure.  If the narcissist in question is a grudge-holder, then you probably won’t hear from them for a long time, if ever. 

The grudge-holding, disappearing narcissist is not the most common scenario, though.  And it’s hard to tell if your ex falls into this category, as they may fall off the grid for weeks, months, or even years, making it seem that the discard is permanent and that’s why it’s so unpredictable.

The more common outcome is that the narcissist will triangulate you, eventually want to be friends (with benefits), and offer a false confession that they’ve made the worst mistake of their lives.   

And if you take them back, it will be the worst mistake of yours. Whether the discard is “permanent or temporary” should be up to you, not them. Their motives are intrinsically unstable. You need to determine if you are willing to be someone’s emotional punching bag and second choice for the rest of your life or if you believe you deserve better.

I hope it’s the latter.

If you are being (or have been) narcissistically abused, it probably has begun to feel like you are in a relationship with a stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air and suddenly the person who used to feel like home to you has become some unknown entity who exudes boredom and irritation with you. 

If you know you need to purge the horrific addiction and devastating emotional and spiritual contamination from a narcissist, then please consider The Break Free Program.  Healing is a process that can open up some truly transformative revelations and opportunities when we give ourselves the chance to recover and thrive. 

You can find out more about The Break Free Program by clicking this link.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions.


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64 comments
Anonymous says March 3, 2024

I am 6 months out since my discard after being in a year long relationship with a narcissist. During that time, he lied and cheated. He was very active online sexting with multiple women. He was a master manipulator and took me for alot of money and then threw me away like trash. I wanted to die. I continue to struggle with all the pain and how he disrespected me.

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Fiona Morgan says December 31, 2023

Can anyone explain – I have been discarded by my present boyfriend for one week now. He’s upset and refuses to answer my calls. But everything else is about the narcissists description doesn’t fit him. He is complimentary, kind and loving. For the past 2 years he has been attentive and faithful. I noticed though that any upsets or criticism from people close to him and he closes up and withdraws.

Even recently when his son behaved badly he said he thought he would leave him to it, as in discard him and move on. I cannot imagine discarding my daughter and whenever she has behaved badly (through teenage years) I never gave her the impression that I wasn’t there for her or stop communications. I think however upset we are with our children they still need to know we are there for them ? And isn’t that the same with our partner?

Upsets occur sometimes and I’m wondering if this is simply a case of him withdrawing or is he really a narcissist?

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    Kim Saeed says January 2, 2024

    Hi Fiona,

    I generally encourage people to pretend that the label ‘narcissist’ doesn’t exist and to pay more attention to someone’s behavioral patterns. What he’s showing you is that when something happens that he doesn’t like, he simply ghosts people, family and everyone else. He is showing you his lack of emotional maturity and indifference to other’s feelings to include those he is supposed to care about (partners and family). I once had a partner who was like the person you’re describing. He seemed caring and attentive, but only when I was keeping my mouth shut and not bringing up relationship issues.

    In the end, whatever his story is, he is showing you who he is and how he handles conflict. Seems to me that at the very least, he is emotionally immature and emotionally unavailable.

    Kindly,

    Kim

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      Melissa says May 2, 2024

      I’m struggling with is my spouse a narcissistic person or is it the medically diagnosed Combat PTSD and TBI (un treated)? Or is it me as he swears by. Yes I’m guilty of my own problematic behaviors that I’m seeking help for. My spouse refuses to accept his diagnosis. I don’t know if I’m even looking for the correct help because I don’t know what is what. I hope thus makes sense. However I can check every box for him under narcissistic behaviors. I guess maybe I’m in denial myself about him.

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James says February 4, 2023

What a fantastic read. It’s like you had been watching everything my ex-gf did for the last half of our relationship. And after finding someone new (while dating me and having one-night stands) she randomly texts me after many months of silence. Thankfully, now I see her for what she is and I realize I’m better off. Huge thanks for your writings, insight and help, Kim.
I’ve grown stronger, and know how to be polite, say a firm “no”, and not let myself get manipulated.
Thanks,
James

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Anonymous says February 2, 2023

I remember this all too well. My narcissist like stated in the article started changing up date nights claiming he’s busy with work and that we couldn’t see each other.. he stopped with the emoji cute text messages and the textes were very minimal to none at all.. he also was putting me down stating that I wasn’t his life mate and that I had too many issues. Also he did the silent treatment on me for a few weeks and out of no where texted me and wanted to see me .. of course I jumped on this seeing the 2 weeks prior we’re absolutely dreadful for me and I cried and was deleted in energy but as soon as I heard from him I became excited and full energy. So I went over to his home and he was so beyond thrilled to tell me about the last few weeks and who made a surprise visit to his home while not seeing me. First was his ex that supposedly locked herself in his bathroom drinking an entire bottle of vodka and was suicidal and wouldn’t come out seeing he was seeing someone else when she did this at his home. He called 911 and supposedly she had also stolen from him so he stated that she came over to offer her amends., then during those 2 weeks another ex stopped by but she was the last women he dated prior to meeting me . Anyways they only went on a few dates and he found out she the following morning after taking her to dinner met up with her ex finance for breakfast .. well that ended seeing she went back to her fiancé .. so during the couple weeks she stopped over to announce that her and her fiancé split up and so she came by to tell him .. during dating my Narc that entire time he remained friends with her ., so I trusted him seeing they never became sexual with each other .. the weird thing was how excited he was to tell me about his ex’s making these visits to his house.. so we spent the day together but I felt out of place after hearing about his life the last few weeks because he didn’t even mention missing me but instead insulted my outfit that I wore over .. so the next few months became absolutely insane because he kept mentioning their names the 2 ex’s and then he became busy all the time and I just knew he was seeing one of them but I couldn’t figure it out . Then on his Facebook out of no where pictures of him and the latter ex showed up and my stomach dropped I felt like I could literally puke and I messaged him thanks alot for letting me know you were seeing her .. he was so disgusting how I was being treated always busy and when we saw each other he had such contempt for me and like I was his thorn on his side almost like I was ruining his night . So I cried and then he announced to me that him and so and so are trying a relationship that she chased him and that we were done . So it was rather painful and stupid me when 2 weeks went by they were already on the outs and he wanted me to come over but I said I don’t know . Then the following morning he called me first thing and I caved . I was literally so happy that he came back to me but it didn’t last too long before he was back again with this ex so I again went numb and stared at the wall and tried to function. . I was extremely fatigued tired like never before and anyways he kept cycling us and because I didn’t know any better I kept falling into this insanity . It lasted several years and for I believe the last year and 1/2 I have no interest in seeing him .. he’s got a different girlfriend but he tells me she isn’t sexual and blah blah blah and I’m not falling for his games anymore but I didn’t block him but I don’t feel that over the top bond to him either which it’s easy just to ignore his textes now and I hardly ever think of him .. but that was after my marriage which was mentally abusive then I met this Narc which drained me . So i have been single or alone now for a long time I don’t want to ever get involved with any more narcs and they seem to attract to me which stinks it drives me crazy .. thanks for all your wonderful information it’s helped me immensely through the years ..

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Jenn says January 31, 2023

Oh so true!
Everyone reading…Kim is giving you excellent heartfelt insight to your abuser.
Grow and move foreword. You are better than you once believed you were.
The narcissist will turn away from you in a heartbeat once you have regained your forgotten self.

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Anonymous says January 11, 2023

You are providing excellent information and validation. It’s so sad that so many of us have experienced or are experiencing this kind of abuse.

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Anonymous says September 20, 2022

But the thing is narcissists don’t learn any lessons because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. His new girlfriend will get the dreaded discard as soon as the new love interest comes along. He did you a favor by discarding you and trust me when I tell you if you ever go back with him…and he will be back…just wait and see…. But if you fall for his shit HE WILL DO IT TO YOU AGAIN WITHOUT A DOUBT. DO NOT FALL FOR IT AND MOVE ON AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Take the advice from a woman who has been married to one just like him for 23 years. It’s a trap. Don’t get caught in it. Look into codependency and narcissistic abuse. Get to the core of why you tend to fall for men like him and learn to recognize their behaviors and avoid them! Heal within so that you no longer endure unhealthy relationships. Break the cycle. Best of luck to you.

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diana says April 28, 2022

the narcistic personality is found mostly in very successful, educated,
assholes. I personally learned so much reading your comments and I am grateful. I havent seen the sick idiot,nor do I feel sorry for him and furthermore, I would rather pet a “real rat” than bother with the sociopath again. thank you for your wonderful website!

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CD says September 23, 2021

I have been in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship for almost 20 years and am just learning about narcissism. I am so lost I don’t know how to be strong enough to get out

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Cheryl Canady says April 26, 2021

40 years a survivor just got my freedom it’s hard run plan n run until your free n don’t look back it’s dangerous n they will hurt or kill u run………

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Judith Cascone says April 26, 2021

I read the above article and I can’t believe how accurately it describes my relationship with an ex who is currently involved with me again AND having relationship with another woman.

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    Kim Saeed says April 26, 2021

    Oh goodness, Judith. I hope you find a way to detach soon and begin healing. Xo

    Kim

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Erin says April 26, 2021

Thank you for this article. My ex is the grudge-holding type. His discard was calculated and cruel.. I had lost my job due to Covid and he had already groomed his supply. I was abandoned on vacation, blocked on everything and locked out of our home. I filed for divorce and he was vile and constantly lied throughout our divorce. His smear campaign of me was everything he did. Once the divorce was finalized, that new supply he was with for the last 7 months was splattered all over social media. He waited to post her until it was finalized. I appreciate your insights because he never hoovered, and never apologized (in or out of the relationship)… not one time. And never had that fake epiphany. Just pure hate towards me, full blame and sadistic pleasure in seeing me in pain, then tossed me away like garbage, blocked me and cut me out of everything in his life as he was unphased by all of it and moved on to the new love of his life all in the same day.

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    Kim Saeed says April 26, 2021

    I’m sorry this happened to you, Erin. It’s definitely a hard journey. I hope you have some support around you and a shoulder or two to lean on. Xo

    Kim

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      Anon Z says September 24, 2021

      The Narc annihilates your support ecosystem, right down to parental alienation, and unleashes coercive control to further paralyze your economic life. Top that off with character assassination, reputations damage, and poisoning the community well in your neighbourhood and relations through vicious smear campaigns and gang stalking – the toolbox and playbook makes the devil envious. It is the Malevolent Dark Triad operating permanently at Red Live on the Narc Rev Spectrum. . Been through that mill, right up to Parental Alienation and family capture it Hijack (ref Dr Roberta Shaler), but thanks for people like you, we can see it, name it and try to retain our sanity.

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    Shane says September 1, 2021

    Erin, I am going thru exactly same thing – and have found out my wife has been stealing from me for years. Divorce proceedings just beginning

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    Kris says September 24, 2021

    Erin, your story could mirror what I went through. I know that feeling of pure hate from the ex. Married 13 years to one of these people. He had been grooming one of my friends for a while (I do not know how long but..) April 2019 I was discarded by text message, he abandoned me and our child… he shacked up with my now ex friend.. who, on May 8, told my daughter she planned my demise with him… mine is I think beyond either type of narcissist.. he tried his smear campaign on me, I had video footage of their affair in my garage, mine never had any epiphany but blatantly told our child, in front of a counselor, in September of 2019 he never loved me, never wanted a future with me and no room in his life for more than two… then in March of 20 (right before the pandemic hit) his goal was to bring me pain, misery ruin and dispair that I would just die and fade out of the picture… he literally cut me off of everything ..his whole entire family, that I had been a part of for all those years turned their backs on me and the kid… left me with his debt and debt that he put in my name that I never knew about, left me with $0.50 to provide for our child for April and May of 2019, I had to sell our home because he was trying to make it go into foreclosure knowing I would not be able to pay for it since I was never allowed to have full time jobs… he did admit he miscalculated our child… he and the ow figured our child would side with him but , thankfully, the kiddo saw through what he was doing.. I had put she and I into counseling the week after my discard.. come to find out he was never faithful in our marriage, was bad mouthing me to all his co workers some of which I knew from teaching, Now he is taking the ow, who was my friend and is the mother of our child’s bully, everywhere we went, and doing with her everything I begged for us to do as a family, he would never do with me or our child. It saddens me but I made no contact a priority for me, and the kiddo. My child finally did initate no contact once of the age to do so and the counselor has helped me to understand that our child was able to set up boundaries and they were healthy… it was rough the first two years… I am almost at the two year divorce mark.. but the discard, betrayal, the blindsided stuff is so real. I hope you have a support system and and know that you are not the problem and to some degree I don’t think anyone can ever truly understand what type of person a narcissist is or what they are capable of.

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    Dawn says February 2, 2023

    I went through a similar experience with my husband now ex . He didn’t lock me out but I was accusing me of cheating on him .. of course I wasn’t and it went on for two years of accusing me smearing me to everyone that would listen my family and friends so I was getting bombarded by everyone asking me if in fact I was cheating and I was like no I’m not .. stop asking me cause I’m not.. well things became rather scary to me having 2 small children and the accusations the insane jealousy and arguments literally keeping me up all night .. being sleep deprived didn’t help matters .. well I finally one day after a horrid argument with him and he left and went to the bars and drank himself to oblivion and i found him sleeping in the car when bringing kids on a play date and when we came back he was sleeping on the couch I got the nerve to leave him and took the kids and dog and went to my moms . I became enemy number 1to him . He met a women a week later and I think he had been seeing her all along and projecting the cheating onto me making me look like the bad guy who broke the marriage up and the horrible cheating wife . But anyways he threatened me numerous times and divorce court was horrible his family would say the rudest under the breath remarks to me so only I heard . Everything was a battle zone game to my husband and he didn’t play very nicely .. after the divorce was final he seemed normal towards me accept no co-parenting he still was at war cause I got primary residence of kids so he caused so much ongoing suffering by traumatizing our kids During his visitation with them and caused them so much fear in the kids . It’s a horrible traumatic story of him setting me up projecting his nastiness onto me and smearing me more to anyone that would listen severing close friendships and my family too .. he set me up as a bad mother making me loose primary residence of our kids and I ended up shutting down cause I didn’t get it I’m an excellent loving safe mother .. he was harming the kids but lied and denied it all and he stooped so low as to threaten our kids lives to lie about me so I would loose the kids . It was so very painful and felt like I entered the twilight zone . There was no hoovering he was and still is with the women that I feel he was seeing during our marriage and projecting his behaviors onto me .. that’s what they do best and we know this isn’t how we are but because they lie so well everyone ends up believing them . Crazy total insanity ! Sorry you had to deal with nastiness ! Be grateful that he’s not in your life !

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alexa morgan says April 26, 2021

I stayed with my narcissist for 26 yrs, trying over and over again to make the relationship work. I always wondered why we could never solve a problem and why it was never his fault. If we had a conversation about something i brought up we couldn’t discuss it or it turned into what i called a tennis match (well, you do this was his retort). If he brought up the same issues at a later time, we had to discuss and solve (his way) right away….i finally got sick of everything needed to be done on his terms and what i said to him was how you closed your article: how does it feel to know that i’m leaving because the only thing i learned from you is that I deserve better! And that is the only thing that keeps me from going back or hoping that things will change because they never did. Thanks for your good articles and reminders! I KNOW that i DO DESERVE BETTER!

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Page says April 25, 2021

Hi Kim
I’m new to this community and this is the 3rd email I’ve received from your recovery series. I am so glad I found you and am already finding your articles helpful and encouraging. Thank you.
I have been married to my N husband for almost 20 years and we are currently separated.
We were in a marriage counseling session (This go around was almost 15 months. We have had several different counselors)and he decided that I was getting more out of it than he was and that he just doesn’t want to be married any more. Oh, he still loves me, he just doesn’t want to be married to anyone.
The verbal abuse, financial abuse, gaslighting, triangulation, silent treatments, neglect, love bombing, etc has been there off and on since the day we got back from our honeymoon.
Though I’m uncertain and a bit scared, I’m also glad I’m finally putting a plan in place to end this chaos. I know it will take a bit of time to separate everything and divorce which is very challenging and seems to touch almost every aspect of my life.
I just want you to know I am very grateful to have found this community. For years and years I didn’t even know what a narcissist was. I have been alone in this for so long. It brings a bit of comfort to know I’m not alone.There are others going through the same things (and worse) that I have. I plan to keep learning and get stronger. Thank you Kim and all of you survivors and others in the midst like me, for sharing. Y’all are my lifeline in the storm.

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Carol says April 25, 2021

I had so many questions for many many years about this merry go round life of mine. To me the unknown is the worst thing. The gaslighting was understandable, your explanation of narcissism has given me peace as I now understand what this relative of mine has been doing to me for years. It’s sad. Very sad. I feel bad for her but at the same time I need to protect me. Thank you.

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Anonymous says November 21, 2020

This is what my ex did to me, she discarded and went straight onto a dating site and came back telling me she wants to see me while she dates other men. She had attachment issues and told me sometimes hates men. Always the victim and emotionally draining. When I told her you are a bunny bolier and a nutter. She blocked me for good ?

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Kim says September 4, 2020

I never realized I was in a narcissistic relationship until I got out and found your article’s. I start from the begining. I dated him for 3 yrs back in the day, we were in our 20’s. I never noticed any strange behaviors but I chalk it up to being young. I left him back then because he was dealing drugs and I wasn’t going to go to jail for anyone. But he treated me very good, he was compassionate and took good care of me. (I thought) So I often compared the guys I would date to him. Well 26 yrs go by and in the mean time we married other people and had children. 6 yrs ago he found me on fb and we started chatting a lot. At this time I lived in nor Cal and he lived in So Cal where we both grew up. He told me he traveled up north quite a bit and could he meet me for lunch. Long story short we had a long distance relationship for about 1 yr. We talked about me moving back to So Cal but I wasn’t going to move until I had a job and a place of my own to live. Well he said i didn’t need a job, that he would take care if me and i could live with him. I insisted I wasnt going to do that. I did want him to end up resenting me for not working. Well he got in a really bad motorcycle accident and asked me if i would quit my job and come take care of him. I was taken back because all but 1 of his family members live in So Cal so I just figured they had jobs that wouldn’t allow them to be there. So I jump into action and 1 month later im moved. He was a nightmare patient, he would moan and make these obnoxious noises it was almost to the point i wanted to slap him but i didn’t. He got better and he bought a house that he wanted but tried to convince me I wanted it. So I told him it was not my house my name wasn’t on it and I didn’t pick it. So he then made a lot of bad financial decisions and wouldn’t even listen to my advice to help him. Mean while he is having issues with his mouth and eventually, 2 yrs later in July of 2019 he was diagnosed with throat cancer from HPV. By this time our relationship is on thin ice because he has done some really crappie things to me and would never take my feelings into consideration and would lie about things he didn’t need to lie about he would make me wait for him for hours to leave in a camping trip while doing things that didn’t need to be done before we left. He would say we were going to leave at a certain time and he would ignore my text and calls and then when I would get a hold of him he would blame me for getting upset cuz he was working. He did this several times and it wasn’t just me waiting so I was embarrassed. He would punish me with the silent treatment or when we got where we were going he would take off for hours in his can am off road car. When i would try to talk about it with him he would interrupt me by saying off the wall comments that didn’t even pertain to our conversation. So I would give up. I eventually started to think it was me. He had gotten violent several times in the past and broke only my things and would say it was my fault that he put his hands on me. I knew different but I would second guess myself. I sucked up my pride and because it was the right thing to do i took care of him nursed him through treatments and made sure he got his meds. He got to be so nasty and mean i wouldnt go to his doctors appts anymore because I couldn’t be in the car with him for that long without arguing. I had to take uber home twice because he was that nasty. He would flip tables over because i didn’t check on him right when I walked in the door. He did some very disgusting things around the house just to make me clean it up. He would do this in front of my friends. I would tell his family and ask for help but I never got it. I would have to leave work or call in because he was scared and when i got home he said he felt much better. It just escalated from there. I had gone to counseling and ge paid for it because he expected them to tell me it was all me and my fault. When that didn’t happen he didn’t want me to go any longer. He suggested we go to couples counseling so we did it didnt go the way he wanted so he wouldn’t Participate when they were talking to me. That lasted 2 sessions. There is a lot more. Eventually he kicked me out and said I never did anything for him and I abandoned him when he was sick with cancer. I know the truth I have everything documented just for that reason. While I was moving my things out he promised to pay for my storages for 6 mos and sign the car over to me that he bought me for my birthday. He took it all away because I wouldn’t leave things that were mine before I moved in. My friend picked me up one night because he had me blocked in. He said all I needed to do was ask him and he would have moved. We have cameras on our driveway so I looked and he was having my car towed away. Everything he had given me he either broke or took away. It got nastier everyday I was there packing my stuff . He hit me in the face and I had to call the police again he tried to make it my fault. I am just so happy and at peace to be free. But not without the pain of him turning my daughter, sister and brother against me by lying to them. I am so hurt by this I can hardly breath sometimes. I just hope they see the truth at some point. I feel very empowered by all of the comments I have read. I look forward to the emails and online sessions.

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    carol says January 28, 2021

    What is it with these people. The narc we knew was grunting and making odd noises about her stomach at just four months pregnant in front of us all when she walked into a room celebrating some ones birthday . My mind was just reeling after I have had several pregnancy’s to know that a woman stomach is not so large at four months also it was just announce she had entered the room all look at her. Stating all the time she was ill bad sickness then would post pics on social media of great big sickly cakes she had eaten . We even witnessed it on so many occasions still complaint that pregnancy is a Purdon carrying our sons child he used to look so guilty had him running about after her every five minutes like she had a major illness. Don’t get me wrong woman who are pregnant should be treated kindly I get this they are special but she milked every bit she could,

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Svetlana says August 9, 2020

I did it. I leave my narcissist a month ago.
I am i hell now. But the true hell was with him…

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M says August 1, 2020

Ironically, I am in the midst of this very behavior. I know that he’ll be back, apologizing and not understanding why he acted this way.
When its good, its so good. When it’s the worse, he is Satan in carnat.
I keep thinking after 14 yrs, a lost career, home, credit, vehicle financial stability, friends, n precious time w my son, that he will change.
I don’t focus on his bad behavior like I use to. I have my own home n life. I DON’T even need him for anything but love.
A 4 letter word that has taken over my life. ??

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    Anonymous says April 26, 2021

    He doesn’t love you. Plain and simple.

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Linda Marie says July 31, 2020

What about when the narcissist is your son? Your grown son. I have been able to apply mostly all of this to my situation, but when there are grandchildren involved and they are used to keep you under control, it’s very hard to stop being abused.

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Anonymous says July 30, 2020

Such a great article. I am so thankful for these articles and support group sites. I have learned so much and been able to stay strong and determined during the hoovers and attempted triangulations. I say attempted because I have refused to play his game. I know that he has made many different moves trying to get me to blow up his phone and/or unblock him. I remain no contact as much as possible and am moving toward complete no contact. Thank you!

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    Michelle Spankie says August 1, 2020

    u r so brave. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do he still finds a way, calling on a blocked number, internet text messages. Then there r the times where I feel enough time has passed n they might be in a better place.

    Reply
How to Deal with the Silent Treatment and Gain the Upper Hand - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says August 5, 2019

[…] their fear of abandonment, which has been magnified by frequent silent treatments, as well as the devalue and discard phases carried out by the narcissist in their […]

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7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says July 13, 2019

[…] maybe they fabricated a fake discard to make you think you’ve ruined your chances with them and now they are hoovering you, making […]

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Peter says January 7, 2019

All of this is DEADLY TRUE………..

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Violet says December 10, 2018

I’m 42 yrs old and I’ve been in an on and off relationship for 3 years. With a 50 yrs old guy who lives with his mother because he can’t afford his own place. He has insecurity issues because his ex wife and ex girlfriend prior to me both cheated on him.

On 11/2…he saw that I had written “your peeps are creative” to someone’s group Halloween photo. He freaked out and said I was hitting on other men. When I tried to hug him to calm him down, he pushed me off. He then deleted all my photos from his IG and FB. That same night his sister in law called and asked if he and I broke up. I told her what happened and she went and did a blast text message to his entire family about him being an abuser. She said she is purposely pushing me out for my own good.

He then text me that night extremely angry and told me he’s breaking up with me. He then blocked me from everything without even hearing my side of the story.

He has blocked me many times before when he had dumped me in the past (he usually breaks up with me every 4 months or so). But this is the longest he has ever blocked me (6 weeks).

On Thanksgiving, he was hitting on one of my friend (he doesn’t know she knows me). He told her that he dumped me because I burned and betrayed him. He also said he blocked me on everything because our relationship is cancer to his heart and that I shredded his heart to pieces.

Do you think what happened with the family knowing he’s an abuser is consider a bad enough injury that he discard me permanently?

i know he’s actively pursuing women on FB, IG and dating sites :(. He’s telling these women that he’s done with me and wants nothing to do with me. I was emailing him daily for 4 weeks just saying I miss him. This week I only emailed once. What should I do? I don’t want to be out of sight out of mind.

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    Kim Saeed says December 12, 2018

    Hi Violet, I know it may be hard to see because you have feelings for the guy, but from what you’ve described, he’s bad news. I would not recommend giving him any more chances. Your best bet is to block him from being able to contact you and thank your lucky stars that you dodged a bullet.

    Kim

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Kat Lea Kozlowski says September 9, 2018

Thank you for saving my life … I thought I had lost it . Three years in with my N and now I’ve found out I’m not alone and I’m not crazy ! I have never been more alone than I have being in this relationship. Hardest truth to accept is all the love and energy I’ve given was never reciprocated or cherished . And that I won’t be missed when I’m gone.

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Nettonya says June 13, 2018

Hey, Kim,
Once again, a great outline of Narcissistic behavior.

The Nex is so lazy, he didn’t even bother discarding me. He left all the effort at “discarding” up to me. I got the lawyer, worked on the legal separation (common law relationship), and got everyone to sign, including the NEX!!!

I have my will re-written and all insurance benefits re-assigned to my daughter. My banking accounts are all “sole” accounts. Because we had joint accounts and he’s too lazy to change them, the bank still emails me the notices for those. At least I know that my money is safe! His is of no interest to me.

Now 15 months no contact, as of Thursday of this week (June 14), I left, moved my stuff into my own condo, with my dogs and, other than a “sighting” of the Nex in a local stripmall I frequent, in November of 2017, I haven’t had any contact with him.

I discarded him!

When we were both packing our separate items for the move, he asked me if there were any chance, once we had moved and were then settled, if we could eventually get back together. My answer was: “Why? You were behaving like a single man. I’m done!” He didn’t say anything. The conversation was finished.

It took me almost 30 years of knowing him, 19.5 years lived with him, to figure him out and establish boundaries, with the help of my EMDR therapist. Now, I’m FREE! I’m still in healing mode and continuing therapy, but getting there!!!

Blessings to you and yours, Kim!

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Holly says March 15, 2018

I wonder if my ex-narcissist is triangulating when he’s now on his third female in our office. I’ve had to watch as he first cheated on me and then cheated on my replacement with his current. I truly believe he gets off on knowing I’ve had to watch these relationships play out right in front of me. It’s excruciating particularly because he’s viewed as some kind of God by our managers. His pattern is incredible. He makes himself into whomever his current interest needs him to be. With this last one, he took up smoking because she smokes despite having told me how disgusting it is. He turned both of them against me and others in our office despite his denial of our pregnancy and abusive behavior of me which I reported to our management. They did nothing.

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Miranda says March 15, 2018

What if after they discard you, they tell you they want nothing to do with you? Not friends, nothing? Sometimes I don’t know if he actually has NPD, despite ticking every box imaginable or he is just an emotionally abusive asshole who left me traumatised and in therapy for hours a week.

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    Kim Saeed says March 19, 2018

    Hi Miranda,

    Assuming you are using checklists from credible sites, if he is ticking off on all the criteria, then he may well be on the narcissistic spectrum. Aside from that, most “emotionally abusive a-holes” fall on the spectrum at some level. Either way, these people are bad news…if he has discarded you, the best thing to do is to block him and break free from his abuse.

    Kim

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So frustrated / worn out! says March 15, 2018

After 5+ years in a relationship, and after breaking up about 5 times, he broke up for what seems like the real deal.
He has plenty of money, travels, has lots of man toys and friends. They do not see his true colors, as he is a great actor. He does/buys whatever he wants. He rarely ever mentioned me, posted our pictures or changed his social media status from single in all those years. Like he didn’t want other women to see he was in a relationship. When I asked, he would say he wasn’t going to be “told what to do” and since I asked him to post pictures, he didn’t out of revenge. He promised a marriage and after 3 years, admitted that he would never marry again.
I am a struggling single mom. He promised to help me financially with my rent. Even after breaking up and dating other women several times, he vowed to continue helping with my expenses. After prepping me for this recent discard, I could tell he was “in Heat” (happens every Feb) for other women and when I approached him about the obvious behavior, he blew up and walked out on me, leaving me stranded. I had no money or CC for a cab. I walked 5 miles back to his house where I was staying. My car was loaded with my bags and he told me not to return or he would call the police. I made a mistake of accusing him of women again. It was the constant problem in our relationship and he hated when I “accused” him of the truth.
NOW…He has stopped helping with my rent and knows I’m in financial trouble. He does not respond to any correspondence. Not one word about it!
He gave me a car to drive…he holds the title as he purchased it as a company car and is letting me drive it. I got a message yesterday that I needed to take over the insurance or he was going to have it towed immediately.
That is the only thing he has said in three weeks.
Does the fact that he has stopped helping financially mean he has left for good, or is he just raising the bar on the abuse? We have had long break ups ( the longest..6 months where he dated, traveled and loved his single party life) but he continued to pay the rent, but kept telling me he would never see me again. He was very close to my children and attended many family events.
Does stopping the rent mean its permanent this time?
What about the fact that I have his car still , but he threatens to have it towed…why wouldn’t he just have it towed off anyway if he wants me completely out of his life? He also gave me a cc that is still have.(in his name) to buy a dress for my daughter..I have not tried to use it, so I don’t know if he cancelled the account.
The last break up was long, and I can’t handle the women or silence again. He flaunts his party life on social media. I am now having to move to a small apartment that I can afford, but will still struggle to pay bills.
Do you think it’s permenate or should I be prepared?

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Alicia says January 2, 2018

I am sad having learned narcissistic people exist and shocked at the damage they cause. But also grateful that I am not alone. There are people who understand what’s happening to me. When this is all over and I am in a good place in my life, I will forever be an advocate for those who unfortunately will be a victim as well.

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JACLYN says December 17, 2017

After recently being “discarded” and scouring the internet for some sort of identification of the behavior my ex has been presenting, I FINALLY found this site yesterday. It has SAVED my life. I have read through so many posts already but this specific one stood out to me. I had never thought of him as a narcissist until now.

I was in a two year relationship (as of Aug 2017) with someone who had been my best friend prior. We had our ups and downs but never lasted more than a night. I got a beautiful anniversary gift and we went to a concert we both enjoyed. We continued on our weekend hangouts as we had for years. It was October and one long weekend I went home to see him (I live an hour away at school). Long story short, I was fed up with the fact he is 26, no degree and still living at home while somehow finding complaints of his exhausting life. We had talked about moving in together for most of this year once I completed school but it became more of excuses as time closed in. Well 3 days later, and he broke up with me. He told me he needed to work on himself and wanted to be alone. I was in SHOCK and so was everyone else. They could not believe that we had possibly split up- even his best friends from high school from another state that I have grown close to.

Well I made my first huge mistake by still being intimate and spending my weekends with him. This continued for a month. In between which he had said many reassuring things that he was happy about us. We spent one last Friday night together in November, as he held my hand like nothing was wrong. 3 days later and no sign of him. No response to any messages. I went on Instagram and sure enough- any pictures of us had been deleted. I immediately went into freak out mode. He texted me days later saying he the same excuses he told me when he broke up and thats why the pictures were gone. We stopped talking for a week. Then it was my Birthday and I figured we’ve known each other for so long and have been spending time together, he’ll at least say Happy Birthday. (I mean his was the month before and after he dumped me, I said it, so why wouldn’t he right?) Well, you can bet I sure didn’t hear from him. I went to our home town the next day with my tail between my legs. One last time I told myself (stupid). And guess what, he bit. He answered my call immediately, met up with me minutes later, and acted like everything I apologized for was correct. He hugged me and told me he loved me. We spent that whole weekend together. Intimate and all.

I had to get on a plane at 7AM that Sunday to go away for Thanksgiving break. Yes, I was still in bed with him at 3AM like I had no where to be, nothing to pack, and no worries in the world. Well I finally dropped him off, we kissed, and made it to my flight somehow. He texted me to have fun that week. I called to check up on Thanksgiving. He was sketchy about weekend plans- made up a bunch of them so he had no time for me. Others said it was nothing considering everything we had just been through the weekend before. Well sure enough, I never heard from him after that Thanksgiving call until almost TWO WEEKS LATER. I of course did all my social media stalking and found pictures of him on another girls Instagram in the meantime so I didn’t continue to chase during those two weeks.

When I finally heard from him, he acted like my anger was too absurd for the situation and it was totally a normal situation. He did not once acknowledge my feelings nor apologize. Though I specifically said ‘I have acknowledged your feelings over and over for a month, making excuses and feeling bad for you but all you did was lie.” He had an answer for every lie and FINALLY said “Im seeing someone”. Thats of course after I called him out for it multiple times. He threw in that he wants me in his life because “believe it or not” he cares for me. I quickly ended the phone conversation with “talk to ya when I talk to ya”, click.

Well I have cut off all contact- social media included. Since talking to this new girl (for only a month now) He has been dropping hundreds of dollars, on hotel rooms, sporting events… Everything we did as a couple when we first started out… Just WAY faster.

My family has moved to the west coast, and I am on the east coast for school. I have felt very empty after this situation. His friends and family have not answered me so I stopped trying after Thanksgiving. They use to be who I spent holidays and most weekends out of the year with. They don’t want to get involved which I understand, but also wonder if they have ANY idea whats going on and how his behaviors have not changed, just moved to a new girl. I can now go a day without crying, but damn does this hurt at such a transitional time in my life with not many supports around at the moment.

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    Christine says January 13, 2018

    I am so, so, sorry for you. Reading your post ripped out my heart. It’s been a year since my N walked out on me and our daughter. It DOES get better, I promise. Counseling helps and I’m now trying No Contact. Thank God for these awesome sites because without them I would have made a lot of dumb choices. Take care!!

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Jaclyn says December 17, 2017

After recently being “discarded” and scouring the internet for some sort of identification of the behavior my ex has been presenting, I FINALLY found this site yesterday. It has SAVED my life. I have read through so many posts already but this specific one stood out to me. I had never thought of him as a narcissist until now.

I was in a two year relationship (as of Aug 2017) with someone who had been my best friend prior. We had our ups and downs but nothing ever lasted a day, we always made up. (Maybe that was my first problem now thinking of it…. haha). Anywho, I got a beautiful anniversary gift and we went to a concert we both enjoyed. We continued on our weekend hangouts as we had for years. It was October and one long weekend I went home to see him (I live an hour away at school). Long story short, I was fed up with the fact he is 26, no degree and still living at home while somehow finding complaints of his exhausting life. We had talked about moving in together for most of this year once I completed school. Well 3 days later, and he broke up with me. I was in SHOCK and so was everyone else. They could not believe that we had possibly split up.

Well I made my first huge mistake by still being intimate and spending my weekends with him. This continued for a month. In between which he had said many reassuring things that he was happy about us. We spent one last Friday night together in November, as he held my hand like nothing was wrong. 3 days later and no sign of him. No response to any messages. I went on Instagram and sure enough- any pictures of us had been deleted. I immediately went into freak out mode. We went on not talking for about a week. Then it was my Birthday and I figured we’ve known each other for so long and have been spending time together, he’ll at least say Happy Birthday. (I mean his was the month before and after he dumped me, I said it, so why wouldn’t he right?) Well, you can bet I sure didn’t hear from him. I went to our home town the next day with my tail between my legs. One last time I told myself. And guess what, he bit. He answered my call immediately, met up with me, and acted like everything I apologized for was correct. He hugged me and told me he loved me. We spent that whole weekend together. Intimate and all.

I had to get on a plane at 7AM that Sunday to go away for Thanksgiving break. Yes, I was still in bed with him at 3AM like I had no where to be, nothing to pack, and no worries in the world. Well I finally dropped him off, we kissed, and made it to my flight somehow. He texted me to have fun that week. I called to check up on Thanksgiving. He was sketchy about weekend plans- made up a bunch of them so he had no time for me. People told me it was nothing considering everything we had just been through the weekend before. Well sure enough, I never heard from him after that Thanksgiving call until almost TWO WEEKS LATER. I of course did all my social media stalking and found pictures of him on another girls Instagram in the meantime so I didn’t continue to chase during those two weeks. Turns out he jumped on every dating site the day we broke up.

When I finally heard from him, he acted like my anger was too absurd for the situation. He did not once acknowledge my feelings nor apologize. Though I specifically said ‘I have acknowledged your feelings over and over for a month, making excuses and feeling bad for you but all you did was lie.” He had an answer for every lie and FINALLY said “Im seeing someone” after I had to point out his behavior a bunch of times. He threw in that he wants me in his life because “believe it or not” he cares for me. I quickly ended the phone conversation and said “talk to you when I talk to you”.

Well I have cut off all contact- social media included. Since talking to this new girl (for only a month now) He has been dropping hundreds of dollars, on hotel rooms, sporting events… Everything we did as a couple when we first started out… Just WAY faster.

My family has moved to the west coast, and I am on the east coast for school. I have felt very empty after this situation. His friends and family have not answered me so I stopped even trying after Thanksgiving. They use to be who I spent holidays and most weekends out of the year with. I can now go a day without crying, but damn does this hurt at such a transitional time in my life with not many supports around at the moment.

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Gina says August 26, 2017

I’m baaaaccckkk! I just fell for another narcissist. Yup, can’t believe I did this. I’m so pissed. I need to reread my materials on this disorder and really look harder and deeper within myself of why I always tend to fall for them. With this guy, I actually had a hunch that he could be very early on but ignored the flags. I was hell bent on proving that this one was truly a genuine guy. All the signs were there yet this one was what you call a Covert Narcissist. They are basically a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They do not display outward signs of narcissism. They don’t brag about their boats, cars, money etc. Coverts are even more evil in my opinion. My covert love bombed in the beginning but it wasn’t so aggressive like my exes. Mr. Covert was assertive enough yet through in random hot and cold behaviors just to make sure I was always on my toes. I would always be confused and wonder if he really liked me or if he was really a douche bag. I found myself visiting the same damn sites as I did with my last narc. Sites about why is he hot and cold, why does he act like he cares yet one day, gives zero fucks. But, I ignored and a huge part of that was that one neon red flag..SEX. The sex was beyond anything I ever experienced and I’m 40. It was passionate, intense, he spent time touching me, pleasing me, he knew every curve of my entire body. He is a very attentive man in general. He always asked great details of my daily life and would purposely repeat details to me to make sure I knew that he was really listening. Another red flag. His sociopathic behaviors turned the friendship into me chasing after his love and attention. The more he blew cold, the more I chased and the more he was winning at his game. He would only go so far until he threw those delicious breadcrumbs at my feet. That random sweet text, the wonderful weekend together etc. I hung onto those brief “good” moments and ignored all of the garbage moments. I felt the devalue come on last month. He stopped initiating texts for the most part, unless he needed something. He frequently had no money and didn’t have a car so I did like taking care of him. But, it was recently, he really didn’t want to hang out that much. Just two days ago, I gave him a ride home from work and had amazing sex. I left to go to work and didn’t hear from him all day and night. I sent him a text and he ignored it. Feeling used and I’m now 100% sure he’s a covert narcissist now. He finally did throw a crumb that night and said “I’m just busy, sorry.” But, he wasn’t that busy because I tested him. I had one of our mutual girl friends text him earlier that night and he responded to her in lightening speed. Well, last night was the big red flag. He blew me off which was fine. At that point, I already knew in my heart what he was and was already starting to make changes in my mind to move on from him for good. However, my friend and I ran into him at a bar last night…with his new supply. He had money last night (shocker) because I saw him pay for their drinks. He looked me dead in the eye across the bar and acted like it was no big deal. I also acted like it was no big deal by socializing with my friends, laughing, drinking and having a good time. Inside though, I was a complete wreck. I was a level 10 on looks and his new supply was at best 2. She was overweight, no makeup, lots of face piercings, crazy orange flat frumpy hair and she was wearing a damn jogging suit! Here I am with my Prada bag, skinny jeans, heels and makeup done and I’m nothing to him at this point. I’m discarded! What? Me? This dude is a legit scrub. No car, a cheap 1 bedroom ratbox apartment, no college education, a crappy job and here I am drooling over him. When he was leaving, I stopped him in his tracks. He said “I’m going home with her to smoke weed. Let me do what I want to do.” Fine, of course, I went there and tried to bust down the door like I don’t know any better. Later, I sent passive aggressive texts and he was actually responding! With her in the bed beside him! He said “I never had and will never have sex with her. Just let me do my thing. Don’t be like this, we can still have fun together.” He then goes and CALLS my phone. I ignored and sent him a farewell text. Hours later today, he’s now playing the block game of facebook. I know this game so well from my two ex narcissists. Block you for hurting you and wonder why you are upset and continues to live his day content with his new supply by his side. All is fine with him until he starts to devalue her and look for yet another supply. In the span of the three months I met him, he’s done this to three girls!

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    Lynda says August 3, 2020

    Gina,
    This will be my first time speaking to anyone about this. I’m shaking as I type. your story matches my recent experience to the letter! I hope you don’t mind lending an ear so I can finally get this off my chest and shoulders where its been sitting heavily for over a year. Thank you in advance.
    March 2018 my husband and I moved to a small town in Southern Texas for his work. I befriended a woman who had goats and ended up getting a job working for her on her ranch. we built a small RV Park so she could generate a small income and that’s where my story begins……
    He was friends with the neighbors who I came to know thru my job renting RV sites and one afternoon he asked if I had any openings. He and his wife were splitting up and he needed a place to stay. I indulged and over time we became friends. my husband and I were struggling and separating-seperated when it finally happened the first time. God it was amazing! he was so attentive and charismatic I had never felt so liked in my entire life. I won’t go into great detail because my story mirrors yours so much you can probably guess the rest. He blew hot and cold, would ghost and gaslight me then discard me over and over again. When it finally hit me that all the red flags were just that, red flags was one evening I had gone to spend the night at his house. His phone starting beeping at midnight and he wouldn’t mute it or answer it. I finally told him I was gonna leave if he didn’t take care of it so he answered it the next time it rang. I knew it was his ex, a girl he picked up during one of the discards. well, he had apparently still been talking to her and loading her full of the ‘I still love you’ bullshit then ghosted her so she got drunk and came to his house to find out why he was ignoring her. They fought outside, she knew someone was there other than him, she got crazy and he called the police. I swear on my life Gina, I saw him grin from the window as they were loading her in the squad car. It was all part of his game. Triangulation
    He raged too, bad. he would stop my car in the middle of the road because I said something he didn’t like and get out and take the keys. He would try to bait me at friends houses to get me to argue with him or humiliate me so when I would leave he would hunt me down and tell me all about how much he hated being abandoned. he would withhold sex and once when I became ill he wouldn’t even talk to me or ask if I was ok. I did a lot of crying to say the least.
    Here we are now June 2020 and he’s supposedly going to move onto my property with me and help me finish building projects. he’s gonna pay $2000 a month to help with the mortgage yada yada yada. He moves his storage here all the while im walking on eggshells and anxiety ridden to the core. He got involved with Tik Tok, we both did as it was fun and entertaining while being in the Covid-19 lockdown right? One night out of the blue he starts an argument over nothing and tells me he’s leaving to go to his house for some space. Now remember that im not allowed to do that because of his fear of abandonment yet its ok for him to. he left and hasn’t looked back. no reason why, he’s telling all of our acquaintances that he can’t stand me and wants nothing to do with me ever again and has gone silent. im blocked as well. Want to hear the funny part? I was dumped for Tik Tok! On there he has endless gals giving him praise and admirations galore and when he doesn’t like something he just blocks them. he’s been with 2 so far that I know of. I’ve let him know I now know what he is as well so im sure that has something to do with the hatred thing too.
    Well there ya go! Thats my story. im now dealing with the smear campaign and flying monkey part of it all. im ok thank God and I feel so much better now that ive told my story so thank you again for the ear and posting your story too.
    Take care and good luck in your future endeavors!
    Lynda G

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Anne says August 22, 2017

All of this happened to me exactly as it is described in this article! I feel so much better now that I understand what happened starting with the triangulation. He has had a string. It was only when I started to get strong that he started to discard.

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Kim says August 21, 2017

This is a Great read. I just found out this weekend my X narc got married. He has come in and out of my life so many times, I just cant believe he got married. I think to myself he will finally stop contacting me, but my friends remind me he may still try and bother me. It just hurts so much.

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Paraja says August 19, 2017

This article is very clearly written. It’s empowering, especially if one is already emotionally detached. Emotional detachment is the only way to see things clearly. Whether there is no contact or not. I see photos of him and his ‘new love”, she looks so happy and “glowing” and all I see is myself. I have nothing but compassion for her. A part of me “thinks of” warning her. But, l know that first of all she is so infatuated she wouldn’t want to listen and second of all it’s not my cruel lesson to be learned – it’s hers. She is actually a therapist.

In your opinion or in your experience how long does is it on average that his true self begins to emerge, just curious.

In my case the red flags were there within 2 months, but in our situation we began to live together within 5 weeks, he wanted me to immediately, however l was in transition so it was easy for me to agree at the time. With his new supply they live too far from each other to be together all the time, more like 2-3 days a week. Here is the clencher, we are residing together as roomates until our lease is up in a couple of months. I feel free to be myself and he neither one of us desire eachother any more at all, so lm fine with it. I just have a very curious mind and l wonder – how long til she recognizes he’s devoid of true emotions and there is a monster lurking.

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    Kim Saeed says August 19, 2017

    Hi Paraja,

    Thank you for stopping by and commenting. How long it would take for him to show his true colors depends on her personality, what her triggers are, and how much denial she’ll have to dig through to see the truth.

    For your own well-being, I would suggest letting it go and figuring out how you will heal from this relationship and so you can move forward.

    Kim XoXo

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Amy Burdsall says August 17, 2017

I am 56 years old. I have been caught up in narcissistic abuse for 45 years. I have always left the narcissistic abusers only to find myself in another narcissistic abusing relationship.
It started when I was 9 with my parents. My dad was a successful business man who became an alcoholic.
The last 3 in life were the very worst!!!
2 are in prison. 1 for murdering the woman after me. Another who got a Dui and probation. He split town twice and the probation ended up prison time. His attitudes and rebellion took him from a dui to 23 be lockdown in prison.
I was praying to God one night asking Him why I knew His love but at times I treated Him as a liar? When I got done praying I got on YouTube.
The first video that popped up was on narcissistic abuse. God answered my prayer!
I have been lacking the knowledge all these years. The No contact I didn’t know!
My ex who will be getting out of prison sometime between September 2017 to Feb 2018. September 2017 is his parole hearing.
Feb 2018 is his mandatory release date. I would have been suckered in yet again!!! By the let’s be friends and I would have been right back in it again!
He has been blowing my phone up to reach me. The last time I talked to him he asked me if he could do his probation here and I shocked him when I said No. I don’t miss him. I don’t think about him. I know how he is and I want no part with him!!! I’ve had decades more than enough.
When I found out about narcissistic abuse I put a post up on Facebook. I said it was the greatest knowledge God had ever given me about myself.
An old high school friend of mine contacted me. She had had 1 dealing with a narcissis. It had brought great damage to her life and family. It was her son and she was engaging no contact!
When I told her every serious relationship I’d ever had was with a narcissist starting with my parents and my brother. She was in shock!!!
All she could say was OMG!!!
I’m making preparations for his release. I know he’ll come here! He knows where I live!
I live in the Rocky mountains in a little rural mountain community. I live on a mountain in a pine forest with dirt roads in a little 3 room cabin. I am somewhat secluded on my street!
I need to change my deadbolt and my locks, put my ladder outside my house in my locked shed along with other items in my yard that can be used against me! I’m in the process of notifying the closest women’s shelter which is 45 minutes away and notifying my local police. I am getting an alarm system with a camera this time.
I know this guy is coming back and I know he is capable of murder!
One time I actually thought there was hope. I was living in the city and he was living in the mountains at hat time. He had a Drs appt and I told him he could stay the night when he came to the city. He was having this discussion and I said something I know now was a smack in the face to him. I told him what was the worse was that he had been going around telling everyone he was single. Immediately he transformed!!! When I saw his change I was afraid!!! I asked him to leave when he told me No and I knew he wasn’t leaving I blacked out! This was somewhere between noon and 2pm. During the course of my severe beating I became semi-conscious at this point. I couldn’t feel anything. I saw my head being beaten into the wall. 5 times he paused and hit it 3 more times. I blacked out again.
The next thing I was aware of he was pulling my right arm frantically!!! He was telling me I was alright and to get up! But I wasn’t alright!!! It was somewhere around 10pm at this time. I had been blacked out a very longtime!
I made my painful journey to my room. I was going to go to the hospital but he had hidden my car keys.
I never got checked out after this and haven’t till this day! I was left with crippling in my body and fibromyalgia which progressed over the next 5 months. In one month my body became completely racked with ungodly pain!!!
I was basically bed-ridden for a year! I couldn’t drive and I even ended up selling my car. I thought I would never be able to drive again. I had no support though I called on family & friends. No one even bothered to come check on me!!!
He called me again over a year later. During this interaction he told me Amy if anyone ever attacks your head they are trying to murder you!
I talked to an old friend of the family. He’s advising to leave my home temporarily.
After thinking about it I’m wondering if I just need to move for my safety & well-being. He’s one of the ones who would “check back” in on me the rest of his life and is capable of murder.
Any insights? I live alone with my 2 dogs.
I don’t have any resources to move but my old family friend is willing to help me.
Thanking God continually for this knowledge!!!

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Sharon says August 17, 2017

This article is spot on. I was discarded last year after one of my ex’s girlfriends (who pretended to be my friend) couldn’t wait any longer to move into the house with him-into the home I had created. Within 3 weeks of me moving out (after almost 8 years of marriage), she was in. To say I was devastated is an understatement. When he came over to my place a few weeks later under the false pretense of delivering mail, I had been doing enough research on narcissism to have my wits about me, so I asked him, “If I had worshiped you more, would our marriage have worked out?” Unflinchingly, he answered “Yes.” And I know that to this day, that is what he wants. Worship. The discard phase for me, I now realize in retrospect, began a long time before he forced me out of the house. Once I started questioning him, disagreeing with his answers about his whereabouts and challenging him on why he had not terminated the “work relationship” with his other girlfriend, he got really nasty. Because I had a younger son in the house with me, I persisted in trying to “work” on the relationship. Turns out, I was the only one doing any “work,” which was effectively contorting myself to try and please him. Leaving was the most painful thing I had ever been through, but now, 18 months later, I see it as a gift. I am healthy, happy, whole and loving my new life. I encourage anyone out there who is in one of these twisted, sick relationships to find a way OUT soon. You will never “help” them and will only drown yourself while they push you further down trying to get what they want and what matters to them…and sadly, it is never you-no matter what they say. My ex, after answering that question, even said to me as I was sobbing through a disagreement about attorneys, “come on, cheer up, we need to stay friends so I can still date you.” NEVER!
If you have not yet, GET OUT NOW. Your life is waiting for you. Get a good therapist and get to work on healing. There is life after a relationship with these sick characters…I promise.

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Alice Chapman says August 16, 2017

I went no contact before I knew what it meant. It’s hard especially if you have children. It’s tough to make decisions when every time in the past you have been put down for your opinion. However, I can now do what I want, talk to who I want to, and go where I want without being given the 3rd degree, put down, harassed, or made fun of. The friends I used to have are still there even though I was led to believe otherwise. When they start looking for someone else-LEAVE. You can’t go back to the way it was,it will only get worse. Once the trust is broken, you can’t get it back.

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Tami says August 16, 2017

Over the past 2.5 years, I have scoured the Narc websites, listened to countless videos, tried all sorts of healing strategies, etc., and suffered like all the rest of the Narc addicts will eventually do! Your material resonated very strongly with me – perhaps because of the maturity, sensitivity, and straight-forwardness of your writing. I have come to realize that I’ve reached a point of saturation with all of this “education” and that by focusing extensively on the actual disorder, I thus reinforce it’s hold on my life. For the past few months, I have chosen a higher road – the road to ACTUAL recovery. I appreciate the help you have given. I know different “experts” appeal to different people. After plowing through countless videos and books only to discover that many of the “experts” were ……dare I say (?) mindless twits, it was refreshing to discover a path that made sense. Of course, there are a few others who helped with this journey, but I am most appreciative of your approach and material as well as the insight and sensitivity found therein. On this road to ultimate SELF-healing, I have taken a path that is quite different than ANY of the various standard recovery methods and it has helped me tremendously!!!! But it was your material that finally helped me to see the path I needed to take! Thank you!

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    Kim Saeed says January 21, 2018

    Thank you, Tami, for your kind words regarding my work. I hope you have, indeed, continued to heal since leaving this comment and that you are still focusing on yourself instead of the dysfunction.

    Kim
    XoXo

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ThePinch says August 15, 2017

This article reminds me of an event back before time began, when I was young. Both my sister and I got a crush on the same guy. The acrimony that followed taught us both a valuable lesson.

Respect the other woman! She’s a sister, too! She’s innocent, and quite possibly in love – the same way we were. Why hurt a total stranger? Nasty, and frankly, beneath us.

If a man, even a narcissist, has made a decision to have a new woman in his life, we need to live with it, and to get out of the way (no contact).

It’s going to hurt, and we will be sad. But bargaining for leftovers to stop that pain is self defeating. Go no contact, face the pain, and heal.

Pain and sadness suck. Healing sucks. When he dropped the “new woman” card, I was sad. I’m still sad. And I’m thinking less than noble thoughts.

But it’s also a get out of jail card. He has no claim on me anymore. He’s can’t stalk me, accuse me of flirting, or have a hissy fit anymore. I can see, talk and flirt with whoever I want and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

I got my life, my dignity, and my self respect back.

There are 7 billion people on this planet. We are breathing. Let’s roll.

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    Kim Saeed says August 15, 2017

    Thanks for commenting, Pinch! Intriguing and delightful, as always.

    I’m glad you got yourself back 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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      sims says August 16, 2017

      I am dealing with the worst nightmare of my life. I was in love with the most amazing guy I could ever wish for. Everything was great for a year before he start to be distant and disrespectful. His excuse was being busy at work to the point that he cancelled our trips (yes, I had paid for tickets/hotels everything) and went on silent treatment while I was desperately trying to figure out what the heck I had done wrong..
      He started to accuse me of talking to guys for 2-3 hours per day (like I even have the time to do it!!!). Eventually I realised he was seeing someone for the past 3 months while he was still with me, and when I confronted him (over phone cause he didn’t want to see me!) he denied everything and hung up the phone on me. His room-mate knew everything and despite that I had asked him 100 times if there was someone in my ex’s life, he was covering for him and lying to me.
      I feel so unworthy and cheated on over and over. Now they’re accusing me of creating fake Instagram accounts and hitting on them (obviously someone has done that)! They’re spreading this among people that know me and I honestly don’t know what to do.. I have been their emotional punching bag for the past 3 months and I begged him to come back and we can work out our relationship but he gave me the coldest heart ever.. His a revengeful person and I feel like I was being dragged into a sick-game that I didn’t intend to play at first place. All I gave him was pure love, attention and caring. I worshipped him and been nice to his friends but at the end he used this as the main reason to discard me!!! and now he’s happy with the new girl, travelling and again I’m the one who’s lonely and facing consequence of the things that I haven’t done.
      I feel emotionally completely drained and exhausted, I can’t stop thinking about the good moments we had together, and his nice words, and tbh, I am jealous of the new girl that will have all these attentions and love from his side. I am also jealous because he won’t treat her the way he treated me. He treated me as garbage at the end and learnt his lessons, ofc he won’t do them again..
      Feeling so sad…

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      Debra says August 17, 2017

      Thanks so much Kim, I feel like you are saving my life every time I read your writing.

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        Kim Saeed says August 17, 2017

        Hi Debra,

        So happy to know I’m helping you in your journey.

        Kim XoXo

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    Brian Phelan says December 7, 2017

    There ARE 7,000,000,000 people on this planet! Last time I checked, I was still breathing too!! This is the singlemost, valuable piece of information I’ve had stop me dead in my tracks, and made me think to myself, ‘the solution really IS this simple’. THANK YOU!!!

    Reply
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