narcissist lies to control you

Shady Shizzle from the Mouths of Narcissists

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The narcissist lies to control you.

People who find themselves in confusing relationships with Narcissists and other users are often baffled by what their enigmatic partners really mean…wishing they could know what’s going on in said partner’s confounded mind once and for all.

The reason it’s all so confusing is that most of what comes out of the narcissist’s mouth is lies.  Lies the narcissist uses to control you.  

If you find yourself asking the following questions, you have been the recipient of shady shizzle:

How can they say something when it’s painfully obvious they don’t really mean it?  Why are they so dishonest?  How can they say one thing and do another?  How come his or her actions don’t match what comes out of their mouth?  Why can’t they just be real with me?  How come it seems that no matter what I do, it’s never enough to please them?

Narcissists, as moronic as they may be, are quite clever at one thing – keeping their targets in a perpetual “possibility of salvation” phase, which is really nothing more than a double-edged tool designed to destroy their target’s self-esteem (thus ensuring they’ll stay with the narcissist) and keep them working towards that pie in the sky relationship everyone dreams of (unless, of course, they’re a narcissist).

Narcissists actually give telling hints as to what their true motives are…but for those of you who may not have yet figured out these cryptic clues, I offer below a generous sampling of translations so you can make an educated decision regarding the future of your relationship.

Shady shizzle translated

(to wit – when you hear these comments, interpret them to mean that the person in question is going to cheat and/or mistreat or continue any and all variations of such.  The narcissist lies to control you, but with the following translations, you’ll know exactly what they’re up to)

  • I’ve never really been good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse material (I won’t be faithful or check in with you regularly)
  • I don’t think I can be the person you want me to be (ergo, don’t complain about my behaviors if you choose to stay involved with me)
  • I haven’t made a clean break from my Ex (i.e., we’re still having sex)
  • I have a very busy career (i.e., expect late nights and disappearing for hours that has nothing to do with my job)
  • I can’t tell anyone about us because I have a high profile position (I am cheating on my partner with you – or – I just want you around for intermittent bonking)
  • I just need more time – to quit cheating, drinking, being unemployed, doing drugs, spending your money, ________fill in the blank (I want you to think I have plans to change, but this miraculous change will always be pushed off to some point in the remote future)
  • Can we just keep things casual? (I don’t want to commit and I don’t want you to expect me to)
  • I’m confused about my feelings for you (I want to give the appearance of “being confused” to compensate for not calling, seeing other people, and ignoring you while I continue to come over for occasional sex)
  • I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us but I still care about you and don’t want to lose you completely (i.e., I don’t want to put forth any effort for a relationship or your feelings, but I’d love for us to be “friends with benefits”)
  • I’m not really capable of loving anyone (so if you want to be in a relationship with me, it’s going to be on MY terms, which will include cheating, ignoring, and disappearing for hours, days or weeks)
  • Serious relationships have always freaked me out and I always do something to ruin them (I want you to think I have Family of Origin issues so you will forgive me for being a cad)
  • You have such high standards/values/morals. I can’t believe you’d give someone like me the time of day.  (I want you to think your love will conquer all so you will patiently lead by example and wait for my miraculous transformation that will always be just out of reach).
  • I’m sorry about my sex/porn addiction, but it isn’t a reflection of my feelings for you, baby. Are you going to give up on me after all we’ve been through?  (This so-called “addiction” will never cease to exist because I really enjoy supplementing our sex life with other partners and porn, but I want you to think I care about the fact that it hurts you so you will remain in my life as a matter of convenience).
  • You’re too good for me (I say this so you will think I see you for the caring, compassionate, unique individual you are while I continue doing unacceptable things, all because I’m not as good as you are)
  • I’m sorry I keep hurting you/ I don’t want to hurt you (My hope is that you’ll truly think I’m a caring person at heart, but that my behaviors are out of my control because of my “painful past”. In reality, I don’t really care whether my actions hurt you and I have every intention of continuing them)
  • You stopped caring about yourself (I’m bored and need extracurricular excitement and stimulation)
  • I don’t want to lose what we have (I don’t want to lose what I have, which is being able to do whatever the heck I please, yet still have you to come back to when I need to eat or sleep)
  • I’m not really ready for a relationship (but, I know if I keep hinting around otherwise, you will keep trying to prove what good relationship material you are)
  • I don’t want to lose you as a friend (friend with benefits, that is)
  • Oh, her? She’s a coworker and I’ve been helping her with her marital problems (by showing her the attention *wink* that she believes she’s not getting from her husband)
  • What happened to the fun, sweet person I used to know? (You know, the one who wasn’t yet aware of my cheating, lies, porn habit, and shady business dealings)
  • Sure, we can break up, but you’ll never find someone like me who will put up with your craziness, instability, drama, crying spells, ______ fill in the blank. (I stay with you because I know I’m the reason you act that way, and when you do it proves to me that my conditioning and mental abuse are working, which is great news for me because it means you’ll stay with me to get that ever-elusive validation)

It’s important to realize that no amount of praying, begging, crawling or Law of Attraction strategies will improve your doomed relationship.  If you’ve heard these obscure messages from your toxic partner, take it as an unmistakable sign that you are with a person who will never give you the love, respect, or care that you desire from them – and the longer you stay with them, the longer it will take for you to get out, heal, and find the person who will (sincerely) love you for you.

If this article resonates with you and you know it’s time to stop the chaos, end the mental torture, and begin healing your life, then I’d love for you to join us in our Inner Circle by claiming your free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap.

You can .

If you’re ready to go deeper and change your life right NOW (or become an Empowered Empath), I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.

I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.

Learn more here!

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B says December 13, 2017

I have this this friend that I have known since I was 12 yrs old, we went out on a couple dates throughout the years but have only remained casual friends. Recently I broke up from a very excruciating 4 year relationship with a lesser Narc, I say that because I believe I have met a greater Narc in this friend. He knew I was going through a rough time & came alongside me to support me through the break up. He also was in a 4 yrs relationship which he said was not working because she would not move to the state in which he is in & just got divorced &,did not want to get married again. He told me he wanted a wife & wanted to get married. Well to cut a long story short. He only likes to text, he hardly likes to go anywhere. He wanted a friend with benefits but I said no. I told him he had to decide on his relationship with the other woman before anything could develop between. Well he told me they he broke it off & we spent time together after that. Then he started to act strange towards me & tell me we are too different & he doesn’t see how it could ever work. Then he told me the other night that he is stressed because he is trying to decide which woman to love. I lost it & told him about his you know what & that he lied to me. He said I heard what I wanted to hear. I believe he is a Narcissist from all I have learned but he could be worse.

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Lanie says January 26, 2016

Can you decode this… After six months of nc on my part and ignoring every hoover attempt and blocking him everywhere I can think of…
He has a new gf btw and just got back from deployment a month ago (in which time he fell in love w her, over the internet by “meeting” through a mutual friend. He is now HER “soulmate” after not even meeting and now they have actually spent a month together in physical situations). He is moving much faster w her than w me. At least he called me jis soulmate two weeks after we actually met. Lol.
Anyway the message read “just wanted to let you know I’m back in the states in case you were wondering or worried. Take care -*insert name here*”. I’ve ignored him for SIX MONTHS and blocked him and he us delusional enough to think I care about his wellbeing?!?
There’s more to the story but you get the gist.

    Domo says May 3, 2017

    Remember that time doesn’t mean much to a narcissist, if the N has another supply then you won’t hear from them while they love-bomb a target. Once the honeymoon is over they will “check in” on old and new potential supplies because they started to get bored with the current “relationship” and/or simply they want to see if you take the bait, just by responding back to that simple text opens a potential conversation that can lead to more texting, calling, eventually meeting for a drink or coffee to “catch up”, you get the idea.

chankla2 says November 20, 2015

excellent post! hit the nail on the head!!!!
NARCS DONT stay yet they DONT really go either…. Thy always have their contacts in their ph, their SM accts, evryday thy have some supply to meet some need!!!!!! any need thy have/seek supply, period.
THYRE boring, fake, uncreative thy do EXACTLY the same pattern over&over just a minor tweek w/supply, period.
thy Never grow, think, thy just bulldoze through life, bulldoze!!!!!
it wl get better, you wl look at them in a different way, believe me.
THYRE NOT happy THYRE NOT in love
DONT buy into the smokescreen
N/C let them go, they let you GO
work on yourself day by day!
strength, courage , be open to your new life……. you’re ok ! working on yourself
is a priceless gift…..

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Karin says September 24, 2015

I could hear many of those in his voice…
The line I heard a LOT during the friends stage (err… grooming stage) was “You’re the only one I can – talk to about this / understands me / helps my PTSD” and of course “My kids love you so much – my son needs a Mum / I need help with my daughter”
Grant raised another flag statement, now very recognizable to me, that’s a gut-wrencher.
Narc = no compassion, no shame, if they can speak, EVERYONE is fair game (I’m a Post Narc Poet 🙂 )
Another great post Kim <3

Leopard13 says September 24, 2015

Last comment from me for now:
One of my favourites:
QUOTE: I’ll never leave you
SUBTEXT: [Why would I do that? Even if I disappear for weeks or months, I’ll be back when all other sources of Narcissistic Supply have dried up. You can count on it!]

Leopard13 says September 24, 2015

Another one from same N. while I’m on the ball:
“I’d rather be with you but I’m kinda trapped..”
SUBTEXT: [I have a wife and 2 children, the perfect alibi for avoiding intimacy with someone else. ] Nota bene he was not married when I met him. Forced marriage to one of the two women he was cheating with while living with me. Sill trying to keep me as backup.

Leopard13 says September 24, 2015

One more classic from ex-.Narcissist partner of 8 years (said in a histrionic voice without any prompting from me):
“I know what you need! (Followed by an example: you need constant attention and spoiling from me.. Nota bene: He complained about his Ex Fiancee, who evidently he had never completely and definitively broken up with – still wanting attention and “spoiling” when she visited his city. Spoiling included holding hands, being picked up and dropped off, being invited to events, etc). Obviously too much trouble for him!!
SUBTEXT FOR ME: I didn’t want to give her the attention she craved. Such a nuisance. So don’t you expect anything either!! If I invite you out (to events where he was performing as a musician) keep a low profile and pretend you’re not with me.

Shiboriii says September 24, 2015

Wow, this post is so powerful and spot on !!! It made me laugh and cry at the same time, it felt like you were talking about my on experience, thanks so much ! Much gratitude to you ! <3 <3 <3

Vanessa says September 23, 2015

Another one to add. We will be together as long as you want. This is in response to trying to clarify where the relationship is at. My interpretation now….you will probably leave me at some stage so I am already planning for it but when the relationship dissolves it will be your fault. Hindsight is great lol

Maria says September 23, 2015

Grant, you are right on when you say they have avoidant attachment as I am still recovering/healing from my narcissistic relationship and he has moved on to multiple dating partners as if our three years together and sharing a home and having a baby together meant nothing to him!

Kristen Darcy says September 23, 2015

Hi Kim, I am reaching out to you as I am in the planning stages of a Divorcing With Grace Summit and would like to discuss the summit with you. Is this the correct email? Blessings, Kristen

Kristen Darcy

Celebrating the 10th Anniversary of Love & Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life the recipient of RESOLVE’S 2009 Hope Award for Best Book! and Girlfriend To Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion


    Kim Saeed says September 30, 2015

    Hi Kristen!

    I apologize for the late reply. We’ve been out of power in my area due to heavy rains and I’ve gotten rather behind in replying to comments. (I write this from a local McDonalds) 🙂

    I would love to discuss the summit with you. Yes, my correct email address is [email protected]. I truly look forward to hearing back from you!



Grant says September 23, 2015

One additional flag that comes early in the relationship. Narcissists are “tortured by loneliness”, and they have Avoidant Attachment. So, they have no emotional bonds that they need time to resolve after a relationship ends. For both reasons, You may find them in an another relationship within weeks. They will rationalize their wanting to date you with some form of this statement:
“Even though (my husband died two weeks ago OR I have just ended a relationship OR I am planning on ending…), I know I have a lot of love to give, and I shouldn’t cut myself off from… (making you my next source of ‘narcissistic supply’).”

Grant says September 23, 2015

Thank you Kim. Another brilliant post. Your list of common narcissist statements offers a way to monitor for that personality. The woman in my last, and I hope last, narcissistic relationship, used the “I am in a high status position”. She used this to rationalize not acknowledging our relationship during a weekly community event of which she was the chair (her rationale was “gossip”, despite our being a year into dating). She would not hold hands or acknowledge me during these evenings. I will say to your readers that there is little that one can do, as the narcissist will always criticize you for not “understanding” or “accepting” them as they are.
Thus we need to not start or end a relationship once one or more of these attitudes arises. The “I don’t think I can meet your needs” was the statement that triggered the end for me. My response was “I want to be in relationship with someone who is capable of meeting my needs. So I am ending our relationship.” She could not handle it, so to avoid her calls and emails, I blocked both (“no contact” as you recommend).
Thank you for your continuing contribution to helping others understand and decide not to remain in a narcissistic relationship.

missbigheart says September 23, 2015

Lol, I have heard quite a few of these in my conflicts with my narcissist. Some of them I can see through when he’s saying them but then others on here I’ve never put together. Thank you for the resource! Will repost.

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