The narcissist lies to control you.
People who find themselves in confusing relationships with Narcissists and other users are often baffled by what their enigmatic partners really mean…wishing they could know what’s going on in said partner’s confounded mind once and for all.
The reason it’s all so confusing is that most of what comes out of the narcissist’s mouth is lies. Lies the narcissist uses to control you.
If you find yourself asking the following questions, you have been the recipient of shady shizzle:
How can they say something when it’s painfully obvious they don’t really mean it? Why are they so dishonest? How can they say one thing and do another? How come his or her actions don’t match what comes out of their mouth? Why can’t they just be real with me? How come it seems that no matter what I do, it’s never enough to please them?
Narcissists, as moronic as they may be, are quite clever at one thing – keeping their targets in a perpetual “possibility of salvation” phase, which is really nothing more than a double-edged tool designed to destroy their target’s self-esteem (thus ensuring they’ll stay with the narcissist) and keep them working towards that pie in the sky relationship everyone dreams of (unless, of course, they’re a narcissist).
Narcissists actually give telling hints as to what their true motives are…but for those of you who may not have yet figured out these cryptic clues, I offer below a generous sampling of translations so you can make an educated decision regarding the future of your relationship.
Shady shizzle translated
(to wit – when you hear these comments, interpret them to mean that the person in question is going to cheat and/or mistreat or continue any and all variations of such. The narcissist lies to control you, but with the following translations, you’ll know exactly what they’re up to)
- I’ve never really been good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse material (I won’t be faithful or check in with you regularly)
- I don’t think I can be the person you want me to be (ergo, don’t complain about my behaviors if you choose to stay involved with me)
- I haven’t made a clean break from my Ex (i.e., we’re still having sex)
- I have a very busy career (i.e., expect late nights and disappearing for hours that has nothing to do with my job)
- I can’t tell anyone about us because I have a high profile position (I am cheating on my partner with you – or – I just want you around for intermittent bonking)
- I just need more time – to quit cheating, drinking, being unemployed, doing drugs, spending your money, ________fill in the blank (I want you to think I have plans to change, but this miraculous change will always be pushed off to some point in the remote future)
- Can we just keep things casual? (I don’t want to commit and I don’t want you to expect me to)
- I’m confused about my feelings for you (I want to give the appearance of “being confused” to compensate for not calling, seeing other people, and ignoring you while I continue to come over for occasional sex)
- I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us but I still care about you and don’t want to lose you completely (i.e., I don’t want to put forth any effort for a relationship or your feelings, but I’d love for us to be “friends with benefits”)
- I’m not really capable of loving anyone (so if you want to be in a relationship with me, it’s going to be on MY terms, which will include cheating, ignoring, and disappearing for hours, days or weeks)
- Serious relationships have always freaked me out and I always do something to ruin them (I want you to think I have Family of Origin issues so you will forgive me for being a cad)
- You have such high standards/values/morals. I can’t believe you’d give someone like me the time of day. (I want you to think your love will conquer all so you will patiently lead by example and wait for my miraculous transformation that will always be just out of reach).
- I’m sorry about my sex/porn addiction, but it isn’t a reflection of my feelings for you, baby. Are you going to give up on me after all we’ve been through? (This so-called “addiction” will never cease to exist because I really enjoy supplementing our sex life with other partners and porn, but I want you to think I care about the fact that it hurts you so you will remain in my life as a matter of convenience).
- You’re too good for me (I say this so you will think I see you for the caring, compassionate, unique individual you are while I continue doing unacceptable things, all because I’m not as good as you are)
- I’m sorry I keep hurting you/ I don’t want to hurt you (My hope is that you’ll truly think I’m a caring person at heart, but that my behaviors are out of my control because of my “painful past”. In reality, I don’t really care whether my actions hurt you and I have every intention of continuing them)
- You stopped caring about yourself (I’m bored and need extracurricular excitement and stimulation)
- I don’t want to lose what we have (I don’t want to lose what I have, which is being able to do whatever the heck I please, yet still have you to come back to when I need to eat or sleep)
- I’m not really ready for a relationship (but, I know if I keep hinting around otherwise, you will keep trying to prove what good relationship material you are)
- I don’t want to lose you as a friend (friend with benefits, that is)
- Oh, her? She’s a coworker and I’ve been helping her with her marital problems (by showing her the attention *wink* that she believes she’s not getting from her husband)
- What happened to the fun, sweet person I used to know? (You know, the one who wasn’t yet aware of my cheating, lies, porn habit, and shady business dealings)
- Sure, we can break up, but you’ll never find someone like me who will put up with your craziness, instability, drama, crying spells, ______ fill in the blank. (I stay with you because I know I’m the reason you act that way, and when you do it proves to me that my conditioning and mental abuse are working, which is great news for me because it means you’ll stay with me to get that ever-elusive validation)
It’s important to realize that no amount of praying, begging, crawling or Law of Attraction strategies will improve your doomed relationship. If you’ve heard these obscure messages from your toxic partner, take it as an unmistakable sign that you are with a person who will never give you the love, respect, or care that you desire from them – and the longer you stay with them, the longer it will take for you to get out, heal, and find the person who will (sincerely) love you for you.
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