Valentine’s Day Fallout – Narcissists and the Contingency Plan

Today is Valentine’s Day and I am grateful I still want to enjoy it. The only difference is it’s with my 2 beautiful daughters and maybe some other family members. I really have learned to work my grief and not allow it to work me. I was one who actually received every gift you could imagine on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mother’s Day, my birthday. The stbxnh love giving gifts, too bad his motives were all so wrong. My last huge gift was last year for Mother’s Day in which I received a bedroom set, but I figured once I got that there was a storm right behind it and it absolutely was. I put him out in July 2016, still messed around but then learned that he was engaged and is going to have another baby. I’m grateful that I’m at a place that even if I felt down for a moment, I will not allow myself to stay there. The good thing is no matter what I’m feeling, he will never know. Out of all the holidays thus far, the Superbowl was the toughest for me because it seemed to have been the most genuine because I knew he absolutely love the Superbowl and the Patriots. I got through it though. So today is a celebration for me. I’m celebrating freedom from hoovering, gaslighting, projection, triangulation, emotional and mental abuse!!!! He has no control over my peace and my joy!!!!

I was w my ex N off and on for 11 yrs. I can’t remember one single happy Valentines day….in fact the ONLY Valentines day I acctually remember spending w him…he took me out to dinner a pretty nice restaurant and after we ordered our food we were talking waiting for our food to come and he gave me this strange look and said….” I don’t think we should be together…I don’t think we are compatible” I was floored and I said….” Are you breaking up w me on Valentines day! Why would you take me to dinner just to break up w me?!” He said…” I figured if we were out in public you wouldn’t freak out on me and cause a scene” I wanted to punch him in the face. I just got up and left. He broke my heart for 11 years. And I am finally done and healing…I’ve been NO CONTACT for 9 months now. He has a new gf of course….I believe he was grooming her befor we even broke up….I know the signs I learned the hard way. His family fully embraces her.

For anyone who ever loved someone unconditionally who has NPD of course will recognize Kims insights as true. In my best guess, I believe NPD is an asymmetric developmental delay similar to, if not in the spectrum of Autism. We get angry at NPD because they hurt and frustrate us. But they are suffering too.

Reblogged this on Parental Alienation's dirty secrets , akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago.

I am not sure if my recent exbf is a narc. He certainly was raised by a narc. He has a few traits, I broke up with him because of the love bombing. I was married to a narc and knew how he had turned on me after marriage. My recent ex bf never made me feel secure, I knew he was looking on dating websites. I felt like he may want to trade up to a younger woman. He bragged to his friends about my status… I have some accomplishments. He seemed to be very supportive and I missed him.. but the calling 5 hours a day plus texting scared me. So I broke up .. because I told him I cannot watch him date others while we are this far along and I knew he planned to. He turned up with a new girlfriend in 2 days. I am sure she is being love bombed. I do not think she knows he is broke. I do not think he knows she is planning her wedding on a social media page, picking out rings and dresses after knowing him 2 weeks. She seems like she loves attention. I was wondering if maybe he is just a love addict, desperate to prop up his depression about his business woes… and maybe she is a narc. She is always mugging for the camera. It is highly weird looking at her wedding plans when she has several kids and is near 50 … princess wedding? My friends say he traded down to a dumb woman because he cannot get away with it with me. But I miss his friendship. He talks as if I will be friends with his girlfriend. I really wish I knew if he is just a love addict or a narc. I have not seen him be punitive and one of his ex wives is friends with him. Have any of you heard of love bombing with love addicts… or is it only narcs? The silent treatment scared me too.

Clever and funny post 🙂

*Jade Mitchell* Speaking Skills Specialist

http://jadejoddle.com/

Reblogged this on Creativity From Within.

I posted a comment hours ago & not showing ? Something wrong with it?

Crickets! I never thought he would stoop so low. We were supposed to go to dinner at 5. At 4:30 he called he said he would be late. After three hours I was home alone crying my eyes out. To make things worse when he did finally come home at 10 o’clock he began yelling and cursing at me as if it were my thought that I was crying. Then this morning he comes and apologizes and claims he loves me. I go through this every major holiday Christmas New Year’s and my birthday, yet he swears he is not cheating. This is so exhausting some days I feel like I cannot breathe!

Ug so well described and therefore so triggering. Thank you for articulating this so nauseatingly well.

Two years ago I got pee’d on. Not literally but it felt like it. My narc had showed me a cartoon of a bunch of little boys peeing on some girls for Valentine’s day. I can’t remember the caption. Earlier that week he had complained about his daughter not using a gift he had bought for her and he wanted it back. I thought that was odd but I didn’t say anything. We spent the nite together on Valentine’s and was aglow as usual. Later that week I decided to take my Bose speaker dock to work because I hadn’t used it in a while. It was a gift from him the first Christmas. When I opened the case it reeked of pee! I was on shock! I knew right away it was him. That case was in my closet. While I was sleeping he took that case down, put it on a table in my living room and pee’d in it. There was splatter all over the table. I realized then why my Wii game console wasn’t working properly. When I told him what I had discovered and asked why anyone would do such a thing to me all he said was…maybe I did it. And yes I continued the relationship. Thank u kim for letting me share this. If it wasn’t for finding u on pinterest and all the other women who have suffered I would have not made it thru this past year. We were together for 4 years. Two months after he dumped me because I had “trust issues” he got married!

Two years ago I got pee’d on. Not literally but it felt like it. My narc showed me this cartoon of a bunch of little boys peeing on some girls for Valentine’s day. I can’t remember the caption. Earlier in the week he had been complaining about his daughter not using a gift he had given to her and wanted it back. I thought that was odd but didn’t say anything. We spent the nite together Valentine’s day and I was all aglow as usual. Later that week I decided to pull out the Bose speaker dock case he had bought me as a gift and take my speaker into work because I hadn’t used it in a while. When I opened the case it reeked of pee! I was in shock! That case was up in my closet and I knew my two young boys couldn’t have done that and there had been no other man in my house since I moved in. The night of Valentine’s day he took that case down off my shelf put it on a table in my living room and pee’d in it. There was splatter everywhere. That’s when I figured out why my Wii game console wasn’t working right. When I told him what I had discovered and couldn’t understand why someone would do that to me all he said was…maybe I did it. And yes I continued the the relationship. Thank u kim for letting me share. If it wasn’t for finding u on pinterest and all the other women who have suffered I wouldn’t have made it thru this past year.

luckily for me and my case I left my narcissist spouse January 2014 it’s only been no contact for about the last month of 2015 I went through a year living in a separate household divorced from him but living a nightmare like no other.. stalking, harrassment ,death threats other women sending messages on FB to me. I could go on for days on ALL the pure craziness. 2/14/14 he did what your describing & has taken to 1/4/15 to finally go & stay NC. I wish I did it sooner & stuck to it. The last month has literally been the most peaceful enjoyable no drama no stress no looking over my shoulder. Blocked him & the other supplies from everything. Ph # changed for 3rd & final time. We were together 11+yrs then the yr of hell in 2014 even though we were divorced. He would purposely butt dial so it would record on my ph & it would be a conversation or sex with a supply then come up with the most incredible lies. When I look back at ALL the lies manipulation red flags it makes me sick! Were talking things I would never put in writing or repeat. I never heard the terms “future faking” or “managing down expectations” but they do do it over time & do it well. Yes, they are fantastic actors & how they continuously get away with stuff blows my mind & feel no remorse at all ! Things i’d never repeat. I became so physically ill, depressed, no family etc the last several yrs of the marriage but I knew something wasn’t right. If I go back to the beginning ALL the red flags were there. I just didn’t pay attention cuz yes I thought he was Prince Charming “love bombing” & in the end he is evil ! Although in the beginning things did stand out. No real personality, no emotions or true ones, no hobbies he always had to be running… All day like non stop. So into his physical appearance. Gym 5 days a week, tanning, Botox & yes Juvederm! Even when close family members of his passed he had no emotion, no tears, nothing but my gut/intuition was always telling me something was “off”, “not right” with him. But I ignored it & made excuses for him. As time went on & things got stranger & just plain weird again I made excuses. I won’t continue to bring myself down cuz there was nothing wrong with me at a all. My intuition was right on target from the get go. Thankfully & technically even though I moved out a yr ago it’s really only been a month of freedom. He stalked & harassed me for exactly a YEAR. I’m feeling better everyday as they will destroy you in anyway possible & the only way to go as difficult as it is is NC. You get so used to the drama that you literally forget what normal is. That’s my issue right now is the strange unfamiliar feeling of “normalcy”. I have to reprogram myself to just being “normal”. While it feels great ! It’s also very odd / strange at the same time. I’ve had to restructure my whole world all the while he’s still doing the same things he did a yr ago & what a relief it is to no longer have that craziness everyday. It’s gone. But for this past valentines day, it was wonderful! No BS,no drama, no being fake, it was a nice “normal” night spent with REAL people. Do I feel sorry for these new supplies? In a way only because they have no clue what they are truly in for. While the one really believes his act & has no idea the other one does know what he is but chooses to stick by him ( zero self esteem & insecure target ). But in my case I’m thankful everyday he is absolutely no longer my problem cuz in actuality, the supply might think they are the luckiest person but I know & his prior before me the mother if his child know all too well what they are really in store for & it’s not good ! I can go on & grow & be truly happy in time. I know it’s going to take time & I accept that but he will be the same person. Incapable of growing & true happiness. He’s actually gotten worse over just the past yr. I look forward to life & just being me & happy. I’ll always be one up on him ….he just doesn’t know it …so in the end I have actually won the war !

I understand folks who still may be disengaging from a current relationship, but why not just block and not have FB contact with and ex Narc? I haven’t looked at my Wasband’s social media since a week after he discarded me, and it really keeps me out of his warped universe. Along with NC. And a Narc can rarely be friends with exes.

My ex doesn’t have a friendly relationship with any of his exes. I should have seen that as a giant red flag.

Thankfully I’ve been away long enough to not care what he’s doing on V day. The first year was really hard as it was early on in the break. We were supposed to go to a concert together and I remember how I kept hoping he’d come back, change his mind about the chick he’d moved in with… Ugh! Pathetic.

So happy to be past that and so happy he never came back. I no longer look at his FB page and in fact the last time I saw even a thumbnail pic of his face was when I was blocking him when I rejoined FB. So needless to say I never see any ridiculous ‘rub it in to the exes’ pics he posts.

Mine came over to make dinner for me and the kids (future ex husband- married 18 years trying to escape for 10 and finally separated last Match) and he told me every detail of his afternoon lovemaking with his new supply. It was their first time. And I do mean every detail because he said he didn’t climax so would I “finish him off. He was mad at me when I asked him to stop and got even angrier when I wouldn’t let him sleep over. I was remarkably ok because I know once he has his new supply I may finally find some peace. I tried to go no contact today and before noon I already had 4 emails (I’ve blocked texts) and 3 phone calls.
Thanks to this blog I am able to see what he is trying to do to me. I am able to think of the girlfriend as a supply which helps a lot.
Oh, and he wants me to bring him the leftover steak and champagne that we didn’t open last night.

This is just so accurate! Last year I had the worst valentine’s Day ever (even though I don’t do Valentine) because I finally found out how much of a liar my narcissist was. I was devastated and he basically got angry at ME for being angry at his deceit. He’s been in and out of my life ever since and this morning, while checking Facebook, I noticed no less than 12 statuses with lots of pics – not of his new love, but with a mutual friend we have whom he knows I don’t like very much. The days out he never had time for with me, he had time for with this other girl apparently, as it’s all over FB. Funny how it coincides with me telling him just 2 days ago that I want nothing more to do with him. ha!

NC had been broken for several weeks. Lovebombing that I could now recognize as a script rote in his head, delivered with hypnotizing bass tones. He’d abandoned me and devalued me into dirt as not just his mate, but as his bandmate in the last year and a half. He’d never had much to do with the social media and promotions. Months ago we’d agreed the band title is mine. I was moving on to find new members, a new life of music I was determined to build. But suddenly I was a liar, a bitch and he blocks me, won’t speak to me. Suddenly, all my online work had disappeared. Suddenly he was posting everywhere as me, from my profiles. Somewhere in the morning onslaught I realized, wow, it’s Valentine’s Day. Could it be he timed it this way? I let him back in because I felt wise enough to see him coming a mile away. But this. This was an epic attack. Oddly enough, I wasn’t too upset. Bemused, deflated, disappointed. But, meh. I like relationships being friendships, even after they’re over. Big mistake with a true NPD. And man, he’s textbook. Now I can take see red flags in others and also see when someone has good boundaries and empathy. So I had a wonderful valentine’s with a very nice person!