Have things seemingly settled down in your tumultuous relationship? Is the narcissist done with their awful, obnoxious tricks? Can you finally move on and heal? How to know if a narcissist is finished with you?
If you feel stuck in a vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse, it’s challenging to distinguish when a narcissist has really moved on for good. It may seem like they are done, only for them to continue reemerging when you least expect it. You may feel like you’re dragged around, at the mercy of whatever they want to do.
So, how do you know when it’s over? And is it something that you can even control?
When Is A Narcissist Finished With Someone?
Narcissists need excess attention and validation. When people no longer meet these needs, the narcissist often reacts by:
- Becoming extremely demanding, hostile, or even violent.
- Throwing emotional temper tantrums.
- Faking or exaggerating emotional or physical ailments to try to reel you back in.
- Gaslighting you into believing their truth.
- Love bombing (trying to win you over with affection and love).
- Pretending to ignore you altogether.
- Smearing you by rallying other people against you.
- Discarding you (trying to convince you of how wrong and flawed you are).
Narcissists don’t play by normal relationship rules. They play by whatever rules make the most sense to them, and these rules can change at any moment’s notice.
Furthermore, most narcissists will have you believe wholeheartedly that they’re finished with you during their devastating discard performance. Yet, you can never seem to get closure because they always find a reason to come stomping back into your life.
Do Narcissists Come Back To Relationships?
In a short answer, yes. Most of the time.
And if you’re with a narcissist, you may already know this answer. You may know it all too well. You’ve probably experienced the chaotic whirlwind of the stop-and-go relationship. You also know what it’s like to feel confused about their intentions and motives.
Let’s be real. They come back because they’re restless or because they feel lonely or because it’s Tuesday. They come back because someone else isn’t giving them the attention they believe they deserve. Or, when they need to give the new supply a ‘good ole’ silent treatment. They come back using whatever reason best suits them.
And usually, they spin their reasoning into a way that tries to flatter and appeal to you.
Related: 10 Types of Hoovers and How to Powerfully Respond
Narcissists come back to relationships because they need people to feel validated. The moment they feel a lack of validation, they turn to extreme measures to restore that need. They also need people to fill in as emotional punching bags.
Therefore, if you keep giving them attention, they will keep coming back. It doesn’t matter if the attention is negative. In some ways, even negative attention can be flattering. It gives them more of an excuse to hang on to you.
Narcissists don’t perceive negative attention as a bad thing. Instead, it gives them ammo. They know how to spin it, exploit it, and ultimately use it against you. It may happen so quickly you don’t even realize it’s happening.
What Are The Signs a Narcissist Is Done With You?
If you type this question into a search engine, you will stumble upon many thoughtful responses. You’ll read about how they will stop talking to you or ghost you altogether. You may come across some stories of narcissists replacing you with someone else.
At first glance, these answers may seem promising. But here’s the problem with these antidotes: most of them just aren’t helpful. Because most of them aren’t really addressing the truly dark nature of narcissistic behavior.
The only real indication that a narcissist is finished is when you no longer leave a crack open for them to weasel their way in. Narcissists rarely let people go- at least not in the conventional sense.
Even if they seemingly move onto someone or something else, they still want power and control over you. They still want to know that you’ll come running back at a moment’s notice.
How Many Times Will A Narcissist Come Back?
They will come back to you as many times as they want, if you allow it.
Even after months (or sometimes years) of no contact, many narcissists will test their supply’s loyalty time and time again. In other words, they want to lure you back into the drama. They need to restore their powerful, superior identity, and that need keeps them coming back for more and more.
Narcissists don’t have their own identity. They create fantasies of who they are, and they depend on other people to enable that fantasy. When that fantasy feels threatened, they do whatever they can to restore their homeostasis.
Of course, this pattern can be incredibly confusing. Narcissists might make a dramatic scene about how they’re done with you forever- only to come pathetically crawling back at a moment’s notice.
You may find yourself feeling flattered or special with this kind of treatment. The narcissist knows this because they understand the concept of cognitive empathy. And so, they’ll know how to lure you back into the dangerous cycle by:
- Bombarding you with fake apologies about their behavior.
- Making empty promises to change.
- Declaring their willingness to give you something you really want (marriage, a baby, a new house, etc.)
- Trying to convince you that nobody else would want you.
- Pretending as if the breakup never actually happened.
- Rallying other people to convince you why you should give them another chance.
What Happens When The Narcissist Can’t Control You?
Once the narcissist can no longer control you, they lose almost all of their power. Suddenly, they don’t appear any different than the rambunctious toddler throwing a temper tantrum at the playground. Their extreme displays of behavior may even seem funny, although they also feel frustrating, confusing, and embarrassing.
Keep in mind that you need to change if you want the narcissist to stop controlling you. They will make plenty of promises and halfhearted attempts to change.
None of these efforts are sustainable in the long-term. Narcissists aren’t interested in making you happy. They’re interested in keeping themselves happy. If you briefly bring them happiness, they may shower you with the illusion of affection, love, and kindness. But the moment their feelings change, it feels like an unexpected war.
What Narcissists Don’t Want You To Know
First and foremost, narcissists don’t want you to know exactly how much they depend on you for survival. It’s why they often act aloof, disinterested, or even angry most of the time. It’s all a cover-up to hide their blatant insecurities. But don’t start believing you can be a hero and show them the reasons why they don’t need to be insecure. No one has ever successfully converted a narcissist after trying to be their hero. Just ask anyone who’s ever tried.
Narcissists engage in all sorts of manipulative tactics to keep you engaged and desperate. They lean on betrayal trauma to keep you chained. Just like they know how to make you feel guilty and ashamed, they also know how to make you feel flattered and loved. During these times, it’s important to remember that because someone is acting nice doesn’t mean it’s genuine, especially if there’s a history of emotional abuse and manipulation.
They Don’t Want You To Know Your Self-Worth
Narcissists don’t want you to know your own self-worth. They don’t want you to realize that you can do better than them.
That’s why they often put you down, make fun of your victories, or even sabotage your success. They can’t tolerate you considering a life without them.
Narcissists don’t see people as real people with emotions and thoughts. They see them as objects designed to satisfy their needs. They want you to see yourself that way, too.
They Don’t Want You To Know They Constantly Need Their Supply
Narcissists are never truly satisfied. Their souls often feel profoundly empty, and that’s why they abuse people to fill that bottomless void.
Narcissistic supply comes in many forms, including:
- Accomplishments and winning.
- Attention (the most common form of narcissistic supply)
- Feeling powerful and superior over others
- Having a sense of authority
- Emotional energy
- Sex
- Compliments, praise, and flattery
- Opportunities to tear people down emotionally
The more you fill this supply, the more they will rely on you for their fix. Most narcissistic relationships rotate through a pattern of love bombing, devaluation, perceived discard, and hoovering. This pattern tends to persist for as long as people remain in a relationship with them.
They Don’t Want You To Know They Don’t Know How to Say Goodbye
Narcissists don’t know how to be finished with you. Of course, they won’t ever let you in on this secret. Instead, they’ll convince you that they never needed you in the first place. They’ll seemingly move onto the next relationship with ease. They’ll act as if you never existed, or they’ll smear you to your family and friends.
But make no mistake: they need you far more than you ever needed them. Their inability to give or accept closure solidifies that reality. However, it’s important to understand that a narcissist “needing you” doesn’t imply any feelings of love and devotion on their part. They need you so they can unleash their deepest abuse on you. They can’t do that with many of the other people they know.
Think of it like a criminal giving a lollipop to a child before committing an unspeakable act.
Here’s The Real Answer to How to Know if a Narcissist is Finished With You
Even if the narcissist is finished with you, are you finished with them?
It’s important to reflect on your answer to this question. Many times, people find themselves immersed in narcissistic abuse. They hold onto hope that things will change. They convince themselves that they just need to be more patient and tolerant.
What will it take for you to draw the conclusion that enough is enough? How many more months or years will you waste by continuing this awful game? Narcissism is a persistent and clinical mental illness. Most narcissists have little to absolutely no interest in changing their tactics. And if they do, you can bet they’re up to something, and it’s not anything that’s in your favor.
How to Get Help
If you constantly find yourself wondering how to know if a narcissist is finished with you, understand that this is not normal in a healthy relationship. Consider whether or not the relationship is doing you more harm than good.
Don’t blame yourself. A person’s choice to be abusive isn’t because of anything you’re doing or not doing. You’re not the cause of their behavior, no matter what they say.
Taking care of yourself is the biggest priority, which may include breaking off the relationship.
Get Started On The Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
One of my greatest passions is helping previously victimized people become empowered. If you are ready for this astounding upleveling, the best thing you can do is join the Break Free community.
My best recommendation is to find an online program to keep you on track and to offer support. The Break Free Program has been vetted by therapists and neuropsychologists as an effective step toward getting over narcissistic abuse. Aside from keeping you safe from narcissists, it also empowers you to go out into the world with confidence.
Join Break Free and learn to:
- ✅ Dramatically overpower your addiction to the narcissist so you can stop being their victim
- ✅ Get to a place of acceptance so you can stop doubting yourself over your decision to heal your life
- ✅ Set limits and create stronger boundaries against emotional manipulation that has caused you to act out of character
+ so much more!
Just click the link to join:
I created Break Free for people who sincerely want to take action and begin healing so they can finally stop the crippling pain, heal, and live the lives they deserve.
