Does the Narcissist Prefer You Over the New Supply

Does the Narcissist Prefer You Over the New Supply?

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Is there a way to tell if the narcissist is just settling with their new supply and would rather be with you?

If you are trying to break free from a narcissist or if you were recently discarded by one, then you may be hearing stories of how he or she’s not happy with their new supply.  They may say they’ve made a mistake and want to be with you, but they can’t figure out how to break things off with the new supply.

Does the narcissist prefer you over the new supply?  What does it mean and how should you respond? How can you tell if the narcissist really wants to be with you, but they can’t break away from the new supply?

 

Video Transcript

Does the Narcissist Regret the Discard?

The narcissist might be telling you they made a mistake.  Or, maybe they convinced you to be friends after the two of you broke up or after they discarded you, and now you’re hearing all about the new supply, how things aren’t working out, and how they’re trying to figure out a way to get back with you.

Perhaps they’re stringing you along by implying they’re not happy with the new supply and they haven’t even said anything about getting back together with you, but you’re hoping that might happen.

In your heart, you may want very much for the narcissist to prefer you over the new supply but, the fact is, narcissists don’t really miss any of their former supply sources.  Narcissists don’t stay in relationships because they emotionally bond with their partner(s).

Narcissists typically have what is called an avoidant attachment style. So, though you have bonded with them and you’re very much in love with them, they never bonded with you. They may have felt a little differently at the very beginning of your relationship when they were love bombing you. That’s because narcissists also become addicted to the biochemicals they receive when they’re engaging in the love-bombing phase. This is generally because you don’t know who they are yet.

When the narcissist is love bombing you, typically you are reflecting back to them things they want to believe about themselves. You don’t yet know that they’re a pathological liar. You don’t know they’re a flaming cheater, you don’t know that they are going to be getting credit cards in your name. You are falling in love with them, whispering sweet nothings in their ear, and making them feel good about themselves.

But with narcissists, these love chemicals wear off rather quickly. Because they’ve been doing this over and over, the honeymoon phase is a lot shorter for them than it is for us. And unlike you and I, where we get through the honeymoon phase with a partner and our feelings develop into something deeper, narcissists don’t do that. Once the honeymoon phase is over for them, they’re done. The only reason they end up staying in the one-sided relationship is that they have determined what you can offer them. This might include money, security in the form of letting them live with you, or maybe they convinced you to quit your job and move in with them. 

Often, they can be very convincing about these things when it’s all just a scheme to control you long-term, not because they have emotionally bonded.  Therefore, when the narcissist says things aren’t working out with the new supply and that they made a mistake, you’re feeling that maybe there’s something about you that the narcissist prefers.

This is a story we make up in our minds because we haven’t yet accepted that the narcissist simply cannot emotionally bond with anyone. Not with you, me, or anyone else. Not even the new supply.

Being the Narcissist’s First Choice is a Curse

We generally don’t give thought to the fact that it’s not good to be the person the narcissist settles down with. When you’re thinking about the narcissist settling down and creating a life with someone else, you’re going by your own history, your own ideas, beliefs, and fantasies about what a long-term relationship consists of. You trick yourself into thinking they found a way to overcome their narcissism for the new person.  That they’re able to control it and are giving back to the new person in a reciprocal way, but that’s not what is happening at all.

Typically, when a narcissist settles down in a long-term relationship, it’s because the new supply has passed the narcissist’s litmus test. This means that they are more willing to tolerate the narcissist’s lies, their infidelities, their leaving their job all the time, or whatever it is that a particular narcissist does. So being the one who the narcissist settles down with is by no means something to strive for or be jealous of.

When a narcissist does reach out to you after they have secured new supply, it’s important to remember that it’s not because they’re missing you or that they feel your absence in their life. When a narcissist starts reaching back out after they have secured new supply, it’s because they are feeling some kind of insecurity in the form of not knowing if the new supply can support them financially, perhaps the new supply hasn’t quite passed their test yet, or maybe they thought the new supply could give them a really good image by association and then they get into the relationship and the narcissist realizes that the person isn’t as “enviable” as they originally thought.

Another reason the narcissist might reach back out is that although the narcissist might be considerably happy when they start love bombing a new person, they also understand that all relationships (involving them) are doomed from the very start. They can go into the new relationship and enjoy the love-bombing phase, but even while they’re experiencing that, they understand that it won’t last. They’re getting out of it what they can in the moment.

When the New Supply is a Downgrade

Perhaps you feel that the narcissist has ‘downgraded’ with the new supply.  In these moments it’s really important to understand that while some narcissists might enjoy being associated with someone of ‘high caliber’ such as a manager of an establishment, a professor, or someone who they believe has a lot of money, this can only hold the narcissist over for so long. 

I hear from a lot of people, “Well, I feel like the narcissist downgraded. How come he or she doesn’t want me back? I can’t even wrap my mind around why the narcissist is even attracted to this new person. Certainly, they’re going to get tired of them really soon and come back to me. They’re going to realize that I was the better partner or the best supply!”

Too often, we make the mistake of assuming that narcissists think as we do. This keeps people confused and spinning their wheels indefinitely. Trying to figure out what a narcissist considers to be ‘amazing qualities’ in another person is a dark trip down a rabbit hole.

Narcissists don’t find it hard to replace anyone.

I’ve seen narcissists discard brilliant, self-sufficient, highly educated folks for someone who is the exact opposite.

I’ve seen beautiful people, including those who are models, who’ve been brutally mistreated and discarded like yesterday’s trash.

Narcissists have been known to leave someone who is wealthy and take up with someone on government assistance.

Don’t try to analyze the narcissist’s motives and mindset against your own. You cannot make sense of the situation by believing they will think or act like you. You can only gain an advantage by thinking as THEY do.

What matters most to them is having someone who will tolerate their ways. Even then, it’s important to understand that you can tolerate them until you’re blue in the face, but it’s not going to guarantee that you are going to be the one the narcissist prefers because honestly, narcissists don’t prefer anyone.

Clickable Survivor Tip:  Will a narcissist go out of their way to devalue harder someone they truly cared about?

Narcissists have an extremely low threshold for boredom.  The very things they say they love about you in the beginning soon become the bane of their existence. They are going to be extremely aggravated by these things as time goes on because their whole agenda is to tear you down. Therefore, once they get bored and the love chemicals start wearing off and they see that you are a real person and not some movie character they made up in their mind, that’s when things start to unravel because they haven’t formed any bond with you.

Even if they’re with the new supply and start getting bored, it doesn’t mean they miss you or truly want you back. It’s simply because they have discovered that perhaps the new supply can’t offer them what they originally thought, the new supply has started to see them for who they really are, or maybe the new supply has flat-out told them they’re not going to pay the narcissist’s rent or make their car payment.

So, they come running back to you. And if they do that, they might make you believe that they’re going to change their ways.  You may believe they’ve agreed not to cheat or lie. They may seem sincerely on board with all of that. And it’s only going be minutes flat after you take them back that you realize they were just lying again.

It’s important not to believe that the narcissist prefers an older supply over a new supply. This is typically just a result of our fantasizing that they miss us as much as we miss them. This is what gets us into trouble, especially if this is not the first go-round with the narcissist in your life.

Moral of the Story: Narcissists don’t recognize or appreciate a person’s unique and admirable qualities. They only analyze people according to whatever conveniences or “supply” they can get from them, which can turn on a dime. One minute, they might want someone they can take advantage of financially. The next minute, they want someone who will make them look good by association. And in the next breath, they want a slave and emotional punching bag.

So, unless you’re okay with shapeshifting every moment of the day to appease the psyche of such a dysfunctional person, the best thing you can do is stop trying to figure out the narcissist. Cut that anchor and sail away…

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6 comments
Skip to my Lou says May 13, 2020

Dear Other Woman:

Thank you. From the bottom of my scarred heart. I heard him talking to you on the phone. I heard him twisting you like you were flax on a spinning wheel. He was bouncing a stress ball on top of his desk as he subtly dropped in the things that made you scream loud enough for me to hear through the phone. He smirked and by passed the motion as you continued to rant. You squabbled with him then. In the heat of the argument he conducted like a maestro, he mistakenly called you by my name. The sounds that emitted through the phone sounded like a choking chicken. He actually smirked. Then he poured the cool salve over the fire the he started. His voice like a measure of warm honey, “There…there…. now…you just get so worked up…” He didn’t apologize but somehow you calmed. I rolled my eyes.

I thank you because you are taking his attention away from me. You are shouldering the confusion since I am no longer confused. He knows I know what he is. He had no reason to hide you anymore. In fact, he was hoping that by talking to you in my earshot, I would squawk about it and he would be paid double as he sat there bouncing his stress ball as his vacant eyes gazed out the window and a not altogether satisfied smirk danced on his lizard lips.

You don’t feed him completely. You’re old news and he returns to you to keep his endlessly hollow belly from swallowing him whole. Once I’m completely gone, he will drum up juicier tidbits to satisfy the eternal cravings. He is a junky for ego strokes and you are so predictable now. You no longer present the quality kind of deliciousness. You’re a has been but you will do. Because you are always there. He can at least depend on your ration when the supply cupboard gets really bare.

I wish for your eyes to be opened and for you to believe. I wish for your strength to leave him for good. How many years has it been now? Your happiness was just a breath away and would be realized the moment I left. I know better. If there is no other source, he will wring you out to get the last precious drop of life energy. You are in for a world of disillusionment and hurt. I suppose somehow he will make you believe it’s because of me. Again. But I assure you, I will be so long gone On hyper speed that none of this will be in my memory. This is all you, my dear.

Reply
    Lisa says June 23, 2020

    Hahahahaaaaaa!!! Well said my dear!! Well said and Amen!!

    GOD ALMIGHTY DOES NOT SLEEP!!

    To all the new supplies out there whom are without any qualms or care of hurting another woman or stealing from her household and children…..you will eventually get….exactly what you went looking for!! Remember the oerson you hurt, while you are paying back in tears, loneliness, frustration, sleepless nights and all those wonderful dreadful emotions you inflicted on someone else…..while you laughed because you thought you would win!! Well…..The Jokes on You!! Because….

    He who laughs last, laughs best of all!!

    So Happy You Moved on My Dear!! Good For You!!

    May all abused be so Blessed!!

    Reply
Amy says May 13, 2020

I love this! Considering a predator’s criteria for a good target, it is absolutely an insult to be a narc’s “first choice.” Thank you for pointing out how arbitrary and random their choices are and that ultimately they truly care about NOBODY but themselves. This is so true. I can’t imagine aspiring to be with someone when the “relationship” consists of repressing my entire identity; constantly appeasing my rude, entitled, ingrate “partner,”; working tirelessly and without thanks to meet his impossible needs; and tolerating degradation, rejection, loneliness,, abuse, and countless other violations. This is marriage to a narcissist.
This article reminds me that our attachment to our abusers isn’t rational or based on what was once a “great relationship” but instead rooted in the chemical addiction of trauma bonding. Once we can break that bond, what a pitiful and unappealing picture we see. Ugh.

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ALEXA says April 15, 2020

EXACTLY RIGHT ON KIM, AS ALWAYS. I’VE BEEN AROUND THIS SCENARIO SEVERAL TIMES. AND THEN GOTTEN OUT, ONLY TO IMPROVE MY LIFE AND THEN GET DUPED AGAIN. BUT THIS TIME I’VE HAD THE TIME AND TAKEN THE TIME TO FULLY STUDY AND GET THE REAL REALITY, NOT MY REAL FANTASIES, INTO GEAR. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH KIM.

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Michele says April 1, 2020

Thank you Kim. Your articles are amazing and so insightful. Thank you for sharing your experiences so clearly and calmly. You are helping me each and every day. Thank you.

Reply
Jane says March 31, 2020

…”You can only gain an advantage by thinking as THEY do.”

The idea of thinking like they do, even insofar as to gain understanding or to level the playing field, absolutely disgusts and exhausts me. I despise the person I have to be in the relationship, but to survive, I must be be what I consider despicable. Definitely a case of bringing out the worst in me.

I used to worry about the new supply. He has strung his poor ex wife along 25 years after he discarded her. Initially, they shared a minor child. That child is now 38 years old, and they are still co-parenting, and she hopes he will finally “come home”. Someday. It used to bother me to think of him returning to her, but these days, I would gift wrap him with a big bow and have him special delivered. He will never return to her the way she has dreamed about all these years, because why? He doesn’t need to!! She will continue to crawl over hot coals in whatever direction he goes. He throws crumbs to keep her hooked. She hasn’t seen the light. I feel sorry for her.

It has taken MUCH internal work to get to the point that I can see him clearly, but more importantly, I can see myself and see the negative effects such deplorable treatment has had on me. I have accepted the fact that the man I loved and trusted is indeed a pathological liar and a no good user. Has always been. I can look back to the early days and see it all so clearly now, and it looks a lot different than it did back then, when it was a fantasy, a role he was playing. I only wish I had the firm foundation that I now have. I wish that I had shut him down the first time he didn’t follow through on a promise. I wish I could have set non-negotiable boundaries, and the first time he crossed them, it would have been game over. I remember the hurt the first time he let me down in such a huge way. I couldn’t believe this man who was so practically perfect could do such a thing. I now remember that time, and instead of remembering the crying and getting upset, I change my reaction to, “This isn’t going to work. Goodbye”. I don’t believe I will find a partner since I wasted my life on a loser, the lessons were learned far too late for me. But oh man! If another narc ever sashays my way, POW!

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