My name is Brenda and it urks me that people are trying to say that there isn’t no such thing as narcissistic abuse syndrome! Let them be in a relationship with a narc and suffer the abuse for seven years which is similar to always walking on eggshells and biting your fingernails down to the bone. Let them experience trying to reason or use logic trying to get along with someone who has no compassion shows no mercy and due to not having a conscience enjoys torturing you for three days and knights refusing and becoming violent when you try to go to sleep. It’s all done on purpose to beat you down. I’ve been around abusive people my whole life my mom was violent and abusive but the narcissist I had in my life was like a cancer contaminating every part of my life. And the no compassion or mercy means just that. Like when he lost his phone (which he does couple times a day since the day I met him, I mean he didn’t even have the decency to not hostile question and attack me when I had an life threatening infection resulting in a fever of 103 degrees. Burning up with fever vibratingly shaking from cold chills he begins his emotional battery and doesn’t stop for three days and nights when my eyes are swollen shut from crying.

Narcissists use future faking,false promises and lies to string-along their supply.One minute they are making plans and next day they cancel them.This leaves people perplexed as to why the narcissist changed their minds so suddenly.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Once I finally (age 36) told a family member, their response was “didn’t I teach you better?” with a scowl of absolute disgust. I was 6-8 and the teenage girl was 12-15ish. I was the oldest daughter and was verbally and physically abused, but have always loved my family. I’m now 46 and have lost everything except my car, my son, my endless sense of humor between the tears, and (most importantly) my absolute trust, hope, and faith in God.

I began working as a district court clerk in 1991, spent years in the legal field and have gained management experience which all transferred into 9-10 years of my passion – helping schools and community by serving on non-profit boards and organizing events and services to fill-in funding gaps. I was a competitive marathon runner for those 10 years and my p.r. was under 2 minutes for qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Then “it” happened. A smear campaign that people wouldn’t directly speak to me about, but everyone either cautiously interacted or walked away from up to 10 years of my living in a beautiful community. (My (ex)husband was a lawyer and this wasn’t him.)

Most people knew my diagnoses- I have anxiety disorder which can escalate into severe panic attacks, twice requiring the ER. The attacks started when a family member had a psychotic break and we learned they had been abusing drugs for 20 years (since they were 15). I wasn’t close with them, but because of the mental health issues (my boys both have anxiety disorders, ADD) I did what I’d do for a stranger – I listened daily by phone and text (they lived across state) and try to help by offering my humor and optimism. Within a couple of months, things changed but I didn’t fault them and assumed my own awareness was transferring their experiences into my own. But, they were exactly the same. I didn’t panic at first, rather leaned into my legal skills and began documenting it – which is possible.

It will be 8 years this June. I was forced to sell my lovely house, move out of the only state I’d ever lived in, serious medical issues began impacting my ability to survive, and I finally had to move back home. Two family members would passively make discussion – one would talk about all the horrible things they were doing (having an affair, committed car insurance fraud) and when the 3 of us spoke, I expressed serious concern – and was blown off, eyes rolled or the person would flat-out day they never said what they did. Then the other would do it. I’ve been proactive, in counseling for the better part of 15 years and have requested my medical records to help me progress. I try to focus on goal setting and am close to earning my BA. But, my mother has called providers and there are notes in my records reflecting that. And when I moved back I stupidly agreed to see her providers out of ease of finding a good one. And I stupidly agreed to let her “keep me company” when I went to a new provider (my pulmonary Dr for lung disease) only to allow her to come home, tell my father I didn’t ever have lung disease and I corrected her – saying that wasn’t close to what he said and it had been over 2 years of treatment. She told me to “call the assistant and get clarification” because she was SURE I was wrong. So, I STUPIDLY called and the assistant confined I had/still have that diagnosis. Mom got me alone a year ago and started yelling “why are you doing this to me!!??” out of nowhere. We were alone, had watched tv and I made popcorn, and I fell silent. I told her I’m confused, where was this coming from and was told she “tells everyone” about me and they all agree that she’s doing what’s right with how she treats me. A year after my return she staged a fight and I left because I wouldn’t engage – which enraged her. She told people horrible lies, that she kicked me out and that I abandoned my son. I was homeless… I stayed in a hotel, then moved in with my grandmother. Yes, a few people have seen this and know the truth. Everyone’s afraid of my mother. She is very intelligent and convincing. She also has complete control over people because of you ever try to state truth, she’s ready and cuts you down immediately. My PTSD scale is high and the attacks haven’t stopped – someone came into my current house and placed a medical ID sticker from 2 years ago onto my blow dryer in my bathroom…. they have a key to this house (it’s dad’s rental that I rent), but it was a mental health ID sticker I’ve never seen and my medical records are organized in binders, but I didn’t have time to get some that were left at my family’s house – 45 minutes away. It is cruel. It is calculated. Each time something good happens in my life (which I don’t discuss specifics now) there’s a negative interaction from them. I’m not scared or anxious, I’m sad and hurt. I can’t change them, but how can I (with legal experience) get the slander and mental health abuse to STOP?!?

I have proof, emails, texts, etc of 9 years of it building up and the way she reached out to all of our family and friends to share stories of my hate, bitterness, volatile nature. None of that was or is true. I found messages where she reflects on my making her feel like a bad gramma from 2005, which makes sense – the first time she gave me the silent treatment after visiting me with my sister/nephew and being very rude throughout. I spoke out for the first time ever and said that my feelings were hurt. That’s when I started counseling. I was crying and upset and blamed for her now being uncomfortable seeing me or my children.

I’m in decent health, but fell while walking and fell on a metal trunk (on my face) in December. My left side had gone numb (possible TIA) but arms couldn’t break the fall and my nose is broken and I have herniated disks in my neck. I’m seeing neurologists, but when will this stop? The repeat, relentless abuse unleashed on me has been prefaced as my either medicine or alcohol abuse – not sure which, but she tried saying something like it, did to one provider, then she emailed and “clarified” that no, that’s not what she said. I know more proof exists and I’m pursuing it – she’s burying me for some reason I can’t understand! This should fall under civil rights violations, HIPPA interference, and a hate crime.

Why? Because I felt compelled to write, started a blog, in 2013 to share my story of mental health stigma and biases with high-functioning people and the same-gender sexual abuse with coercion and conditioning I lived through. She’s furious. Because deep down she has to realize that her extreme physical and mental abuse are the reasons I never told her – fear and more shame – and she thinks it’ll reveal how cruel she was to a community she’s fooled for 70 years. Sadly, all 3 of us daughters have had to attend counseling for her abuse – she just doesn’t know that….

Thank you Kim. I needed this reminder. I also would like the thank the comment by Kim, above. They are predators. After, many decades of insidious manipulation, the many many incidents that I was gas lighted, now replay themselves in my mind, because I had
read them incorrectly and was lied too. Will this attempt to rewrite the programming ever end? Is the process actually a necessary step to healing? There are so many memories that now make sense.

Another form of proof that narcissists know what they’re doing to their target-victims is when they so accurately describe their own deplorable behavior as they project it onto their target-victim. When they ascribe their bad behaviors to the target, and say that YOU are the one who is tormenting them, YOU are the one who is the bully and the abuser and the hyper-critical one, YOU are the one who is responsible for their failed aspirations and is to blame for anything and everything, this is solid proof they know exactly what they are doing. It is monstrous and insidious evidence.

And you are so right about the current wave of positive psychology thumpers. Positive psychology can be helpful for non-disordered people, but it does not have any hope of helping a narcissist or a person with traits of multiple personality disorders.

What’s worse is the advice nowadays that borders on victim shaming and victim invalidation. I even heard one so-called narcissism expert from Australia recently say in an online summit discussion that narcissistic abuse is a gift. That’s like saying rape is a gift. Or that torture is a gift. This is a harmful message that retraumatizes target-victims. These types of dangerous and delusional statements should be deleted from online summits, podcasts and videos.

It takes a long time to recover after the devastation of narcissistic abuse because this is one of the worst forms of abuse that one can endure (which is why several European countries have now included it in their legal definitions of what constitutes domestic abuse — as all countries should and the US is in the dark ages in this regard — since the deliberate destruction of another person through psychological violence should never be acceptable or allowable).

It’s true that during the recovery process target-victims can build greater awareness and insight about themselves and their over-forgiving nature that can make them unwittingly vulnerable to narcissistic grooming and targeting, and they can develop a better early warning system and a set of non-negotiable boundaries to protect themselves in the future, but to characterize narcissistic abuse as a gift is abusive in and of itself. It is secondary abuse.

As always, Kim, thank you for this insightful and accurate post. Keep up the great work of shining a light of truth on the subject.