cycle of narcissism

The Cycle of Narcissism: Why Do They Teeter Between Love and Hate?

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Most people seem to understand that being in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t a pleasant experience.

They know narcissists use inflated egos to mask their insecurities. At the same time, however, most people aren’t aware of the degrading, abusive, and dehumanizing effects that the cycle of narcissism casts upon its targets.

Narcissism isn’t a funny personality quirk or movie trope: it’s a personality disorder. In fact, narcissists lack a comprehensive knowledge of emotions – particularly when it comes to whole object relations and object constancy.

That’s exactly why being in a relationship with a narcissist is so confusing – they’re constantly teetering between loving you wholeheartedly and hating your guts.

Understanding the Love Cycle of Narcissism

By the time you realize you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s often far too late to make a clean break.

In some cases, you have developed strong roots with the narcissist through marriage, children, or cohabitation. In others, you may have experienced deep trauma and subsequent bonding with the narcissist which only prolongs your toxic attachment and love addiction.

Or maybe the narcissist has just spent so long devaluing you that you truly believe you don’t deserve anything better. (You do!)

Regardless of the situation, narcissists tend to follow a similar scheme as they rope victims into relationships.

Counterfeit Love in the Cycle of Narcissism

Chances are, you look back on the beginning of the relationship very fondly. It might have even seemed too good to be real – true love at last!

Maybe the narcissist showered you with dinners, appreciation, validation, gifts, and affection like you’ve never experienced. This is called “Love Bombing” and it’s the first stage in the love cycle of narcissism when the narcissist wants you to believe that this expression of love is genuine.

But just like a drug dealer who passes out first fixes for free, the narcissist has a plan for their Love Bombing: they want to get you hooked before limiting your supply.

Slowly but surely, these blissful moments of love are replaced by fights filled with degradation, dehumanization, and devaluation. Of course, they say it’s your fault: you didn’t live up to their unrealistic expectations and the fabricated idea of who you are or what you should be.

Then, finally, the good times turn into a distant memory.

A brief glimmer of hope will poke through every so often: the narcissist might bless you with a hug and a “you know I love you” after an intense fight. Maybe you’ll have a quiet evening with Netflix and some pizza that reminds you of the good times you used to have.

Maybe they really have changed – or at least you’ll be able to work it out, right?

This little taste of air – while you’re gasping for breath – is how the narcissist keeps you hanging on, longing for the times that once were.

But before you know it, the good time has passed and you’re onto the next fight, feeling worthless again.

Why Narcissists Rarely Truly Leave

Well, specifically, you can make their life easier while improving their status.

A narcissist will never have a genuinely loving and fulfilling relationship with anyone because that’s not what they want when they take on a partner. (Remember this when you finally split and later see them “happy” with someone new.)

The narcissist needs someone in their life to function like a proverbial punching bag: someone to validate their own self-worth. That’s why the narcissist will always turn into the victim during every fight – even when you rightfully bring up something hurtful they’ve done or said.

You might wonder, why doesn’t the narcissist just leave you if they hate you so much? Doesn’t the cycle of narcissism ever end? Aren’t they sick of this torment yet?

They’ve spent so long drilling home the idea that you’re worthless and undeserving of love or support – so why do they stick around?

There are a few reasons for this:

  • You’re functioning as their assistant. You clean up their messes, shop for food, cover their rent, manage the family, and oversee all their adult responsibilities. Who would leave that behind?
  • They’re comfortable unleashing their deepest abuse on you. Their casual friends or coworkers certainly wouldn’t put up with the degrading words you hear every day. In fact, others may not even realize or believe that your partner is an abusive narcissist. Some narcissists hide their intentions very well.
  • They can’t admit failure. Leaving you would mean they’ve made *gasp* a mistake. This is far too much reality for any narcissist to handle. Plus, they wouldn’t be able to use their resentment against you later when you don’t live up to their expectations.

How the Cycle of Narcissism Leads to Abuse: Their Lack of Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy

Unlike many other mental health conditions, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) leave victims in their wake.

In fact, recovering from narcissistic abuse involves reshaping your entire identity – which the narcissist has replaced with their own. It can sometimes take years to fully recover because being in a narcissistic relationship is quite similar to being in a cult.

If a narcissist enters your life, especially in the form of a romantic partner, they will completely drain you of your entire sense of self. When you finally break free, you’ll find yourself starting over from scratch – questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself.

This is because narcissists don’t experience or process emotions as you or I do. To the narcissist, emotions like love, sadness, or remorse are vulnerabilities to be exploited – not normal elements of the human experience.

See, the narcissist’s dangerous lack of social and emotional development stems from their nonexistent comprehension of two key concepts: whole object relations and object constancy.

They can’t comprehend that good people aren’t perfect. To the narcissist, you’re part of their mental hierarchy: you’re either above their status and should be envied or you’re below their status and worthy of chronic disrespect.

This poor emotional development drives narcissists to use emotions as tools to manipulate everyone around them: coworkers, friends, family members, and especially their intimate partners.

Whole Object Relations

This is our ability to see the “oneness” that brings us all together – it’s what drives our sense of humanity.

Whole object relations allow us to see another person’s qualities in an integrated way: we accept that people can be generally good, yet still sometimes do rude or hurtful things. We forgive people we care about who make mistakes because we know that everyone is human and, therefore, will act out on occasion.  (This is one reason non-disordered people so easily forgive narcissists for their cruel behaviors).

Narcissists don’t understand this concept. Instead, narcissists view people as either all good or all bad. To the narcissist, if you are no longer special in their mind, you have fallen to a low status.  Quite literally, they’ll categorize you as being among the dregs of society. 

This is why they can go from making you feel special, to making you feel like dirt underneath their shoes.  By the time you’ve fallen from grace, they feel that you have no redeeming qualities and believe you deserve to be mistreated.

Object Constancy

This is where universal unconditional love comes from. For most of us, we recognize that we can still have a positive relationship with someone even if they make mistakes or occasionally hurt us – because chances are, they really didn’t mean to cause harm.

Narcissists don’t possess the capacity for object constancy.  Therefore, when it comes to the broadly known ‘devalue and discard’ phases, they feel such dislike for you, they have no problem treating you with cold indifference and loathing.

The narcissist understands that you, on the other hand, have object constancy and they’re keen on exploiting this trait.

 The narcissist knows you’ll stick around through all the abuse because you’ve experienced their good side and how well they can treat you – when they believe you deserve it, of course.

But this “good side” is all a façade and part of the cycle to keep you hooked and begging for that next fix.  In fact, when the narcissist is being kind, it’s an integrated part of the abuse.

Why the Cycle of Narcissism Continues Indefinitely

This cycle between very real abuse and phony affection is the narcissist’s ideal relationship.

No matter how many times they promise to change and offer you brief moments of appreciation, this is just all part of the cycle of narcissism to keep you around.

It’s just maintenance work to them: these promises are never genuine because they have no intention of changing anything.

In fact, the narcissist is incapable of ever seeing themselves as anything other than the victim. It is impossible for them to see things your way. The narcissist will always see you as competition that must be kept below their status.

Breaking Free from the Cycle of Narcissism – for Good

Leaving a narcissist for good is far from easy – especially if you’ve already built a life with them.

But remember, it is entirely possible.

Imagine how powerful it would be to know how to handle the narcissist and stand impervious against their appalling behavior.

Can you imagine what it would feel like to reclaim your life?

This is the outcome that I love helping people accomplish…to be free to have joyful and nourishing lives without being confused and crippled by the narcissist’s games.

If you’d like to take your lucidity and your life back, no matter what you’ve been through, or if you’re simply tired of living a nightmarish version of Groundhog Day, consider my most popular programs:

Break Free – I dug my way out of the nightmare, and you can, too, with the nurturing and transformative Break Free Program.  Using skills learned in Break Free, you’ll feel more in control, and more at peace. You’ll reignite your lost connection with yourself and heal your body, mind, and spirit.

THRIVE – THRIVE starts with nurturing the most important relationship you’ll ever have – the one with yourself. We’ll dive into practical exercises and strategies to boost your self-worth, confidence, and appreciation for the amazing person you are.  we’ll unravel the patterns that have you acting out of alignment with your true self.

I know what you’re going through and I’m here to help. Learn more about the course and see what my students and neuroscience experts have to say about it.

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”

~ Tori Amos


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127 comments
Victoria Boland says January 13, 2024

It is clarifying to read this, to know or hear someone explaining truly what is transpiring in my relationship.

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Darlene says October 30, 2023

Loved your article m, thank you for sharing. I am Extremely confused!
I dont Know if he is a narcissist or just has narcissistic tendencies. Either way, I am Not the outgoing, happy, positive, funny person my more. My bright light went dim. Please, I reslly Need help to find out if he’s a narcissist. I have No money. My health is not good. My body is falling apart! I an In pain all over! I cant Even walk one block without suffering!! I have Several injuries to my spine, back and both knees! I am Losing my will to want to keep going. Any man that can be so freakin mean and disrespectful to the woman he says he loves who is mentally, physically and emotionally suffering so bad is pure evil! He has put me through hell while I am Going through hell! He tells me he loves me all the time. He’ loves to cuddle and do things together. He literally always buys me whatever I need! He always takes giid care of me. Which is why I am So freaking lost and confused!! But lately I just Want to die cuz of all the physical and mental pain. Too many things happened to me in a short time. I am Literally losing my damn mind. I’m so scared so very scared. I get Anxiety when I know He is on his way home from work and while he is home. I can Feel all his messed up negative vibes all the time. I am 100% an Empath. He never communicates or talks about anything. He just explodes. He talks circles over me so I always Forget what I wsnt to tell him. He ignores my cries that he caused! He uses my worst fear against me all the time. I csnt Leave I hsve no job or money. I can’t work. I’m a walking time bomb just waiting to explode. He never has my back either. And his words cut me like a knife. Please, someone, please help me figure this out.! ❤️

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Anonymous says April 12, 2023

Excellent. Well done, Kim. You are so insightful.

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Anonymous says August 14, 2022

I thought I had broke free from a narc and he persued me and gaslit me until I took him back. I got pregnant and the last 9 months have been heart breaking as he has not stopped belittling and degrading me. I’m ready to give birth any day now and I have had to change my hospital and move like a thief in the night to protect myself and baby from this man

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Anonymous says December 4, 2021

I have a no contact restraining order and want nothing to do with him again after 5 years

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Lisa says November 7, 2021

An eye opener, thank you!

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Cindy says November 6, 2021

30 yrs and I’m on the road Of breaking free…one day at a time

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Tamara Escobar says October 26, 2021

Already on my way, keep them coming Kim..Thank’s you’re the Best.

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    Kim Saeed says October 30, 2021

    Thank you, Tamara! Sending hugs. Xo

    Kim

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      Theo Silva says August 13, 2022

      Yes thanks for all the information. I been with a narcissist woman for 8yr years. Finally I free. The family is a cult of narcissist. Extremely nasty and disfontional.
      Not contact is the way tobe FREE.

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Allyson Barr says October 23, 2021

Fabulous Article!!! It gave me a much better insight. Thank you for your time and knowledge.

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Luke says October 21, 2021

Reilly, I too am a Behavioral Therapist working on my master’s degree in ABA, and I have to agree with Ms. Saeed in the respect that NPD is not a trait it is a disorder that can share co morbidities along many of the disorders found within the cluster B disorders as well as some others. However you pose an excellent question in that since NPD is a mental disorder, how can we say that these individuals can never become more compatible. As much research suggests, people who suffer from NPD develop and their brain structure is abnormal. The ability to learn and adapt and change their thought process and behaviors takes considerable amounts of treatment. As Ms. Saeed mentioned, the tools for accomplishing this have not been effective in almost all cases and this is very sad in terms of providing a means by which a person with NPD can change and grow to develop the characteristics, emotions or behaviors that are socially and emotionally significant. I would not go without saying that people with NPD tend to use people as a means to gain or control which is detrimental to others as individuals with NPD are aware that in doing this they fulfill their needs. So the question about how people with NPD not being aware of what they are doing is interesting because narcissistic individuals thrive as utilize these methods and behaviors willingly and knowingly regardless of the effects that they have on themselves and others. I have suffered these things and survived lol, but the thing about looking at the Disorder objectively is important to observe what individuals with NPD do and why they do it. Observing that the pattern is consistent in that they consistently use others and abuse others to get what they want illustrates a learned behavior in that if they do things a certain way they can expect a certain result. That being said, a person with NPD typically knows and is completely aware of those behavior and thoughts and an experienced narc exercises this with pinpoint precision in order to reach the desired result. To put it simply if you are good at cooking and love to make a great dinner for yourself you make it and eat it. Enjoying the work you put into it. As for people with NPD they are good at manipulating, and they manipulate you into cooking for them because they are not good at cooking, and enjoy your food as if they were the ones who cooked it and revel in the fact that you have done their bidding. And therefore are beneath them and merely allowed to be around them because they allow it. Then they will tell you to do better next time and establish an order where their opinion is the standard of who you are as a cook and even as a person. Therefore you will do what you can to meet their standards. This is an example of subconscious manipulation and is a tool that Narcs know how to use and are 100% aware of what they are doing to employ it because they are seeking that end result.

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Dasweeet1 says October 21, 2021

Great article. I needed to hear this to reinforce my no contact with my ex. He manipulated and deceived me so many times and I now know what I was dealing with. Don’t trust him and his fake caring and apologizies.

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Lala says August 19, 2021

I took revenge of the narcissist that @ the time did not know anything about what it meant. Still in love. I Guess he Will never forgive me.

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Reilly says April 22, 2021

I am currently experiencing all of this, and reading that section on whole object relations really really has made something click in my mind and makes so much more sense now. I believe that the narcissist that I am with is unaware of what they are doing. But all of these articles seem to insist that the narcissist must always be aware of it. Is it really not possible that she just doesn’t understand? It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around this concept, it’s just so unbelievable that this could all be intentional. I truly feel that this is a person with NPD but it is undiagnosed and they do not understand what they are doing. Meaning that this bizarre and evil behavior is not of malice, but rather untreated mental illness. At the end of the day NPD is a mental illness rather than a personality trait, could it not be treated and worked on as such? We don’t say that people with Autism can never be intelligent because they have Autism, so why do we say that people with NPD can never become more emotionally compatible? As a behavioral therapist working on my masters in behavioral analysis, I feel as though this entire field is actually just a little behind. Surely there is no way to completely write off all individuals with this disorder as “bad” people that we should run from, they are still humans that have a mental illness. Just like anyone else that needs support or assistance in society due to disability. Does anyone know of any discussion forums anywhere online where I might be able to speak with some others experiencing this sort of event?

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    Kim Saeed says April 24, 2021

    Hi Reilly,

    NPD is a personality disorder, not just a trait. It’s not the same as a mental illness. You can’t compare NPD to Autism. Autism is a condition regarding the processing and expression of emotions. Not the same.

    I think where the field might be behind is that are still some folks who believe there is a way to help narcissists. Where the field is not behind is the current studies which show NPD cannot be cured. There have actually already been tons of case studies, trials, and assessments performed. Narcissistic individuals cannot be rehabilitated because by the time a narcissist becomes an adult, their personality is a permanent part of who they are. Their brain structure is abnormal and they lack empathy and remorse. This is not something that can be “fixed”, just as psychopathy cannot be fixed. Both are part of the dark triad and are aptly named for a reason.

    NPD is not a disability. A disability assumes that a person is prevented from something they WANT to do, but can’t because of a mental or physical impairment. Narcissists do not want to be empathetic or remorseful to begin with.

    There are, of course, some professionals who insist narcissists can change, but no one is seeing this play out in the real world. I’ve been in this field for ten years and not once has anyone ever expressed that they found a way to make things work with a narcissist that wasn’t completely devastating to their own well-being and livelihood. None of my many colleagues in the mental health field have seen changed or improved narcissists, either.

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      suna says October 22, 2021

      I met my husband in year that I finished school. My father- in-law was at his end with cancer so I never really new him .My husband showed no emotion on his dads funeral. That always worried me why. On my 50 th birthday my husband lost his work .Company fired him after 30 years of service and I started to listen to my inner voice . How come after so many years …they fire him. Now 4 years later when last child finished school I caught him in a affair. I did not think twice filled immediately for divorce .This women did me a favour. My dad is also a narc 86 yr so have endured enough but always hoped that my husband is not like my dad. Covid came and it has been 2 painful years .Still trying to get my divorce finalised but is also stuck with my parents who`s life I have to sort out. My mum does not talk anymore her tank is as empty as can get. My trigger point is constantly activated as my dad is making it impossible. The 2 carers that stay with my parents want to leave cause dad is also abusive to them. Now add dementia at 85 yr old narc life .All I can say it is hell. Narcissists will never change because they are superior . But I had myself a ring made that is engraved I AM ENOUGH .Looking at that gets me through my days .I know I deserve better and will fight this divorce to the end.
      S

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      Stephanie says December 3, 2021

      Yes, 100% true. Thank you, Kim.

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    grace says November 6, 2021

    Reiley, you seem to have a lot of fate in these narcissists and think they will change. ive been with one. yes they change the more chances you give them the worse they get. and in return you feel as if your are going crazy.you start to get get brain fog, being i competent. playing thiere game you never know who you are dealing with if its a jyklle or hyde.so many tantrims and traumas. tellme agyer all the abise you go through how deep into thiere rabbit hole you are going to fall. i know some who didnt make it. and yes people called her crazy. i was lucky i got awau bit still suffer some flash backs andtrying my best to get my own personality back. they suck your soul out. trust me only way is out.

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Anonymous says April 19, 2021

Wow thank you. Every time I read things like this I get more courage to exit. Today makes 26 yrs. of this devil

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Bevin says March 31, 2021

I’m married to a narcissist. I didn’t know till after we were married. He is a devil on earth. He shows me no attention, affection or appreciation of any kind. He curses me and calls me unheard of names but he still expects my love. He thinks he does so much for me. It’s all very confusing but after 16 yrs of marriage I just stay out of his way and try to enjoy my life as much as possible. It’ll never end, it’ll never get better and he’ll never change. After hundreds of sleepless nights, unending tears, completely and never ending broken heart, counselling for myself to adjust, my confidence and self worth shredded, health issues, and just being driven in the ground. I pray for women who are in this situation. It’s impossible to get out. Good luck!

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Jaye Young says March 12, 2021

Thank you..
I know I can do this I know I can get through this….

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Shauntell says March 12, 2021

I’m surprised at how quickly a narc can get ahold of you and destroy you. Mine was a coworker. I have amazing friends, a supportive partner but somehow in a years time this person has gotten so deep in my head I feel worthless. I fight each day to keep living, to keep getting up. To rebuild myself. I’m in shock that even a non life partner relationship with a narc could do so much damage mentally.

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Pasha says March 12, 2021

Enlightening piece. These are the exact mechanics and the probable actuating reasons.

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Carol says February 28, 2021

Thank you kim my husband daughter and doctor has got me to understand this its so true They can’t comprehend that good people aren’t perfect. We forgive people we care about who make mistakes because we know that everyone is human and, therefore, will act out on occasion.

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Carol says February 28, 2021

They can’t comprehend that good people aren’t perfect. Wow the best summing up of a narc. You make a mistake your so genuinely sorry or ill in my case evidence to back up but thats it their stubborn infantile no reasoning with them . In my case I can show my son and partner all the evidence in the world but his partner wont listen. Kim thats the most prefect description and thats when the victim feels their the narc because we have let them down but people make mistakes and are deeply sorry . That mistake probably has been because of the misery sadly that they have caused. Were all human and sometimes we snap but you just cant do that when a narc is involved.

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Chelsea Webster says October 4, 2020

Wow this explain my whole relationship 10000% ☹️

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Gabi Wenzelow says September 5, 2020

Thank you for posting this article I found it very informative especially the parts about object constancy and whole object relations. Most articles I’ve read do not explain it in depths as you did and I appreciate that.

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Michelle says September 4, 2020

This explains so much Kim. Why we could have 2 good months when I was compliant, but then the day comes where I was hurt about something and boom… “ you did xxxx 20 yrs ago” it’s like “ huh?” I swear they keep the past so close, that it feels like the present. They can just walk away when WE walk away… like they were totally non existent in the marriage.

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Olivia says September 4, 2020

This is interesting in relation to my mother, who is the narcissist in my life. I look back to my happy childhood when she was nice to me, arranged lots of lovely events, holidays, treats etc.
When my dad died, her facade began slipping as she was unhappy, I presume, and she just got more and more angry and unpredictable, I had to walk on eggshells all the time in fear of her anger and spite. I assumed it was grief making her behave like that but I think it was just her real character revealing itself.
As I’ve got older, she’s liked me less and less and seen me more and more as someone to compete with. Your article explains this and I see her more clearly for what she is- a flawed person who will never see me clearly, love me for who I am, treat me well unless she has some motive for doing so.

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Kenya Arrington says May 23, 2020

I need this so bad I am in a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist but there’s finally a light at the end of a tunnel. I am breaking free

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Karen says May 21, 2020

It is ironic I am reading this today. 188 days ago I attempted suicide and am a long way from recovery. Since leaving the hospital, I experience verbal abuse every few days.

Today my narc told me I need to have compassion for him for how hard his life is dealing with my suicide. He said his life is hard. Boo hoo.

He told me I am not allowed to call it suicide since I am still alive.

He financially devastated me and cut me off from everything and everyone so I am having a hard time breaking free.

However, the feeling of turning from internal grief of what is wrong with me to external anger that this person is sharing my oxygen is becoming more powerful every single day.

The day I committed suicide I was unconscious but could still hear him. He delayed calling 911 by about one hour. He actually stood in the kitchen discussing calling for help while I lay there listening, unable to respond.

That event was my wake up call. Before that day I had no idea why I had gotten to the point of giving up.

Now I am supposed to show compassion to him? Because his supply is drying up?

He is 67 years old. Since I came home, I discovered Barb, Lori, Michelle, Lianne, Lexi, and Kelly as his back up supply.

Spy Dialer provides a wealth of truth when the lies are running fast and furious.

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    Amy says August 20, 2021

    Dear Karen,
    Wow, you & I have a lot in common! My suicide attempt in April 2018 was a result of 2 years of gaslighting, after he began “riding bikes” with a woman he knew, who had just put her husband in a nursing home. They “rode bikes” together every single morning and I tried (begged) to get him to see that nothing good was going to come from this new “friendship” especially in light of her being newly single, or living without her husband. So for two years I could FEEL IT…that they were involved in an affair. But he absolutely would not admit it, told me & showed me thru his gestures & facial expressions that I was ridiculous, childish, worthless & stupid and that he didn’t CARE how it made me feel because he was hell bent that he absolutely would not give her up. I lived with terrible depression, seeing a psychiatrist & trying every combination of meds to try to lessen it but nothing helped. I also had horrible anxiety, especially when I woke up each day & before and when I went to bed. I had nightmares & what I call daymares (like daydreams, but they were horrible scenarios of the two of them together). Then FINALLY one morning my dogs woke me at 5:50 am, which never happened if he was home, so I got up to investigate and his car was gone. I think back now & wonder why I didn’t text or call him, but I never did. I laid in bed “daymare-ing” & crying, all of my muscles rigid & head pounding for 5 hours & 23 minutes until my dogs suddenly jumped up & bolted, which I knew meant that they heard the garage door. I followed behind them & stood in the kitchen as we practically glided in (on cloud 9), happily chewing & popping gum in his mouth & humming…until he looked up & saw me standing there! He jumped & stopped dead in his tracks, which made me happy for a moment, as at last I was finally able to CATCH HIM!! He tried to shake it off quickly & act natural, but he stuttered & stammered out the words, “Oh, HI!!! I…Um…just…ran up…to…the…bank! Umm…what are YOU doing up so early? I…um…ooooh…I’m all sweaty!” And indeed, sweat was spontaneously pouring out of him. I stood there staring him down, no sign of emotion & in a low, monotone voice I said, “You’ve been gone for 5 1/2 hours or more. The dogs woke me up. Now I’m going back to bed.” And I turned & walked away. He shrieked in this crazy high pitched scream, “I was NOT gone for 5 1/2 HOURS!!!!” I didn’t acknowledge him. It was a Saturday & we had a date night planned. When I got up a few hours later, he looked at me when I walked out & I ignored him. This went on for a few hours, as I had to walk thru the great room where he was sitting several times. Finally at around 5:00, the jerk had the nerve to say to me in a fake cheerful voice (as if I was going to let this go!) “So are we going out for date night? Are you going to get ready?” and without looking at him I let out a breath and said, “Ummm…no”. And again fake cheerful he said, “Oh, okay!” and again I left the room to sit by myself. Finally at around 8:00 I decided that I needed to make him spill the beans before he went to bed, so I went in & said we need to talk. He absolutely would not admit anything! Nope, nope, nope. Anything & everything you THINK you know is 100% incorrect. That’s when I decided that my life was over. You see, I have a constant debilitating headache that I woke up with one day many years ago. Like chronic migraine, except it’s a migraine that never goes away. I believe it’s called static migraine. Along with that, I also have a tension headache, which varies in intensity. I’ve been unable to work since 2014 because of it, so I have no way to support myself or really to live independently because it effects my ability to physically function, to think clearly & process information (such as comprehending things I’m reading) and my vision is dramatically impacted, so I barely drive anywhere. I didn’t have any support system left, so without him I was a goner. After he went to bed, I wrote a lengthy suicide letter, gathered up all of my important things, like my IRA statement, book of passwords, my personal checkbook, etc and laid it all out for him. I then took more than enough pills to probably kill me twice (leftover narcotics from surgeries, muscle relaxers & valium) and kicked back in my recliner & went quickly to sleep. Unfortunately it took me a few hours to write my letter & gather my documents AND he woke up very early, so he found me & called 911. I was very close to death, as they had to give me narcan 5 times and I still didn’t regain consciousness until 13 hrs later in the ICU. This was after being transported to the nearest hospital where they tried to bring me around until they couldn’t give me any more narcan, then a second ambulance ride to a major hospital an hour away, thru their ER & eventually to the ICU. If he woke up an hour later, I doubt that I would be here today. When you said that your husband blamed you for the trauma he experienced when you committed suicide, it brought my own experience all back to me because mine did the same thing. It was no longer about what HE DID to take me to that place of total despair & hopelessness. It wasn’t even about what I had gone through & the trauma to my physical body but the horrific experience of being locked up in a psychiatric unit for 3 days. No, none of that mattered, because HE was now experiencing nightmares. The poor, poor baby! How awful for him. Of course, he did go for his morning “bike ride” with her every day while I was hospitalized and after he brought me home from the hospital. Heck, he even left me home alone & went to see one of his daughters (7 hours away) only 8 days after I got home. Oh, and my first night in the psych ward he came to visit me. He brought with him a list of all the things he insisted that I CHANGE about myself….to make him happy & want to stay with me!!! Can you believe that crap??? The list pretty much summed up everything about me. He wanted me to change every single thing about myself & my habits, including what time I went to bed, what time I got up, to stop drinking iced mochas because he decided that they were “poison”. I drank them daily (and still do today, thank you very much) because the hit of caffeine soothes my headache for awhile & allows me to function past the pain to do housework, prepare dinner, etc. I was in complete shock & disbelief! So let me get this straight…you’re cheating on me, lying, gaslighting & betraying me every way possible, I finally catch you, am so completely devastated that I feel there is no other option than to end my life, and YOU have the balls to come here and threaten me (without specifically saying) that you will leave me unless I magically transform myself into someone else for YOU? Needless to say, my anxiety went thru the roof, until I finally found a nurse (after everyone had been in bed for a couple of hours) and told her that I couldn’t sleep because I was too upset by my visit. She took my blood pressure and I was well into stroke range (it was something like 210 over 130). She had to call the doctor and get approval to give me meds to bring it down. It was nice that everyone was sleeping & she had time to talk with me. Well, it was mostly me venting everything I had kept bottled up for so long & her being a kind listener. After my release, his rage had been triggered and he spent the next 18 months punishing me in every sick, pathological way he could think of, finally abandoning me to move in with the woman he was having the affair with. And I only discovered for a FACT that it indeed WAS and always had been an affair, when I found a Spyware app that I installed on his phone which also followed your own story. This one would record their conversations so I was able to log into a website & look at all of his calls, read texts, etc. But I could also download & listen to recordings of his conversations where the app utilized his voice recorder on his phone & recorded any ambient conversations that were held near his phone, like when they were together & his phone was near them. That provided the truth of what he was really doing. And it was so ugly & hurtful, but I needed the truth and he had no intention of giving me that. They are the most vile, disgusting creatures and I only wish that I knew way back when (1999) what I know now.

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Anonymous says April 28, 2020

After 30 years, I’ve finally found the strength to go no contact, thank God. # livingmybestlife#

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susan says April 10, 2020

i’m in process of divorce after 25 years of marriage. i’m sheltering in place with him!
he has been a gem-all shopping/cooking until I had a meltdown yesterday. He’s Back-screaming obscenities etc. i’m trapped and trying to work a difficult job from home. holiday sunday. this is a work computer.

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    Amy says August 20, 2021

    Oh Susan, that must have been horrible!! When were you finally able to separate or have you yet?

    Reply
JP Smidt says April 10, 2020

Dear Kim.
You are such an expert on this most disgusting personality “illness”.you surelyqualified in your Ph D by now. Blessings for opening ignorant victoms’ eyes and spirit. God Bkess

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Gregory says April 10, 2020

I am almost through the free bootleg course and many of the suggested strategies have given me a lot of insight and strength. Yet, still, this article was able to shine a light on an aspect of the abusers character and give me back dignity. Awesome. Thank you,Kim.

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Jeanette says April 10, 2020

Just what I needed to hear. I cried. I got out of my situation 3 and half months ago. Am building new life slowly and that video reminded me that it can take a long time to heal, so not be too hard on myself. And don’t expect others to understand why you can’t just snap out of it. Thankyou to Kim and everyone who is there for us, who know what we experience, are gentle, kind, and understanding. With sincere thanks.

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Jeanette says April 10, 2020

Just what I needed to hear. I got out of my situation 3 and half months ago. Am building new l

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Bernadette says April 10, 2020

Hi Kim,

I threw my narc out a month ago after 31 years of marriage and 37 years together. He cheated with prostitutes and anything that moved and the last 2 years I have been trying to get out. The last straw was when I discovered that he had been living with another woman in another town while working. This was carrying on for 5 months before my sister in law told me. We have 6 kids, all grown, and they are supporting me as I was never allowed to work. He also physically, emotionally and verbally abused me and isolated me from my friends and family.
I stayed because I thought it was the way it should be and I always believed marriage is forever.

What bothers me now is that I am so cold and indifferent towards him that I shock myself sometimes. I am so angry as well. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. Is this normal?
He has tried hoovering and all the narc tricks, but I ignore him or tell him to go and talk nonsense to his new woman.
I am enjoying being alone and being myself for the first time since I was 16. Something so trivial as deciding when I go to bed is such a blessing to me. Leaving was the best decision I ever made.
Thank you for your help with this, your website was a lifesaver to me. God bless.

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ALEXA says April 9, 2020

AS ALWAYS KIM YOU ARE RIGHT ON.
FORTUNATELY I AM PAST THE POINT OF BEING FOOLED.
I HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS BEFORE.
BUT WITH THIS QUARANTINE, AND WAITING TO SECRETLY LEAVE, I HAVE TO BE PATIENT, KEEP MY DISTANCE, WHICH I DO EXTREMELY WELL.
SO THANKS AGAIN KIM !! YOUR REMINDERS AND COMRADE IN ARMS IS ALWAYS OF GREAT COMFORT, RELIEF AND VITAL HELP. YOU ARE LITERALLY SAVING LIVES ! ! ! ! ! THANKS FROM ALEXA

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Jeanne says April 9, 2020

As I have emphasised before, I’m dealing with a narcissistic, 33 year old daughter. She now has alienated nearly everyone in her life, and is addicted to methamphetimine (we call it ICE in Australia)! I am sure that this disorder is going to kill her, because she will continue to think that SHE is right!

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Dennis Hendrix says March 6, 2020

Woman I met in church she played the piano I play a guitar she was married she walked up to me about 3 months later and said I love you so I made no comment I thought you was talkin about Christian love but not so she actually love me I’m a single cowboy and she always wanted a cowboy one of her fantasies wow yet she was married stupidly I went out with her we stopped by little cabin spent the day there and it went downhill from there she moved in with me stayed three months went back to her ex-husband after I paid for that divorce came back again 3 months later I paid for another divorce for that ex-husband then she left me at the last day of 2019 went back to her ex-husband she was fixing to dump me I seen it coming and I’ve told her I do not love you I am not in love with you so I got to her first not knowing I gave her an excuse to justify what she was going to do. after reading a lot on this I discovered thsi .heard from her once and that’s it we’re both it no contact but I know her she will be back at some point in time I just don’t know when but I am smart enough to realize I will not answer any way any form of her trying to come back again no contact no contact no contact is the answer yes it’s difficult yes I miss her yes I think about her but I’m better I deserve better I’m going to get better and I am better because attitude is always on the top and I thought just a casual phone call would be nice but why so she can tell me more lies deceive me some more you can’t believe nothing a narc says they are the best Liars if they had Academy Award every narc would win one

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    ALEXA says April 9, 2020

    SO VERY TRUE ABOUT THE ACADEMY AWARD COMMENT.
    AND, AS YOU KNOW NARCS = EMPTY HEARTS AND SOULS.

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    Amy says August 20, 2021

    Good for you! Mine is apparently still happy enough with his mistress he left me for, so I haven’t had to deal with him trying to worm his way back in, but I imagine that when they turn on their charm (manipulation) that looks the same as what initially attracted you to them and they tell you everything you have longed to hear, it would be extremely hard to maintain your resolve, remember everything you’ve learned and not take them back. Man, they’re good!

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Suzanne sheppard says July 23, 2019

I’ve lost my home, inheritance, my father died, my family hates me and my husband is now at a halfway house soon to return while I live in a tent in a friends backyard. He’s had affairs, blamed me for all his troubles while I do all I can to try and get him to his appointments and take care of things he needs done and supply him with money and cigs and anything else he says he needs while I have absolutely nothing . After he has made me feel like I deserve nothing. And yet, I can’t go! I love the Him I was made to believe he was . He “ saved “ me from an extremely abusive relationship I was in before him! I can’t make the hurt stop! I know I need to but I can’t!! It breaks me up in such hurtful painful pieces and no one is there for me to help me thru it!

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    Blair says September 7, 2019

    Suzanne, He didn’t “save” you from an abusive relationship. He saw an opportunity in you for a new supply. The person you love does not exist and never has and especially never will. You’ve lost enough. Focus on you!

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    Shannon Bauer says September 11, 2019

    You can do this. I did this. Almost exactly identical to what you are going through. You’ve proven your strength because you’ve tried. Trust me. You’ve checked the box. It’s time to take care of you. The steel core you have inside (and you have one, because you’ve survived) will get you through. Your family will return. Mine did. He shows his true colors after it’s over. It’s time to walk away. You will be ok.

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    ALEXA says April 9, 2020

    I’VE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. YES, IT’S FRIGHTENING.
    THE BEST FOR YOU TO STOP GOING THROUGH THIS UNDESERVED NIGHTMARE IS TO FOLLOW ALL THAT KIM ADVISES.
    SHE KNOWS THE SAME PAINS WE’VE ALL BEEN THROUGH AND CONTINUING TO GO THROUGH. YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM THESE EVIL ENTITIES !!

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Anonymous says June 16, 2019

So enlightening. Do true snd encouraging.

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Cornelia says June 15, 2019

Thank you for your articles! It is just like my husband! He is such an unloved sad person! The victim! Yet he is the laziest, messiest, person who spends money as if it grows on trees and blames me for everything! He keeps saying he feels like walking out, I do wish he did! It is like you say, I sort out everything! How can I tell him to just pack his bags and go!
It is my house so I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting that too!
If I go to a lawyer, he is one himself so knows what he can claim, he would go mad!

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Anonymous says June 15, 2019

Sing a song and go walking – it helps sometimes:

You‘re so full of your self-importance
Shoo fly, shoo
You‘ve put up walls like a big, scared fortress
Shoo fly, shoo

You think you are the center of the world
But the boys all laugh
to the screaming of the girls :
„You‘re an egomaniac“
Shoo fly, shoo!

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Anonymous 23 says June 14, 2019

This is my second time of going no contact with my soon to be EX husband of almost 15 years. Word for word exactly every single thing Kim said happened. I stood my ground against him for the sake of my children not having to watch their mother be put down and completely degraded for doing everything for this man over and over again for absolutely no reason at all! I’m a firm believer that if someone wants to change for the better, they can! But you only have so many chances when it comes to my children and all the broken promises telling them how your behavior isnt acceptable and you were fixing yourself. Not sure what it is about this time of no contact, but I feel so much more incredibly confident, almost powerful if you will??. I’m no longer fighting to save my marraige. I’m now fighting to show my children this behavior is never to EVER be tolerated or displayed by anyone that they may have relationships with in their future!!!!! #StayStrong and keep moving forward!? Nobody deserves to be treated in such a dishonorable way and made to think that’s actually love.
My kids and I plan on moving south soon which should make things alot easier to get him out of our lives for good!

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Laurette says May 26, 2019

Timely and valuable information

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Jill says May 11, 2019

Man this article is dead on. The live bombing thing totally happened to me and the guy I met at work who had become my friend one day gave me his number and from then on called me all the time and asked me to be his girlfriend right away and told me he loved me in the first two weeks of dating. I can’t believe I fell for all of that bullshit but I guess he saw that I was lonely and wanted a relationship but after a year of going through the ups and downs and finding him talking to other women he’s promising me he’s gonna change and I tried to take him back but it only lasted a month and I just couldn’t live that way constantly wondering if he was cheating on me all the time and lying to me about it so I blocked his number after a fight the other day when I asked for his help with my car and he told me to ask my son for help I just blew up at him and told him to go be with the other whores he’s probably still talking to and I blocked his number. It’s only been two days and I really hope I can get through it this time. It’s hard to leave because unlike him I actually love him but apparently he doesn’t feel any of those emotions and it’s sad he’s just telling me he loves me to keep me coming back. I hope I can make it through this time without going back to his bullshit even though I love him and his family.

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3 Grounding Techniques to Ease Anxiety After Narcissistic Abuse - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says April 4, 2019

[…] you’re second guessing your decision, wondering if he or she will hoover you (again) and torn in the conflicting anxiety of wanting the old, confident YOU back and secretly wanting the […]

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Tracy Creasey says March 27, 2019

I still find it hard to believe I am in that kind of relationship.. am in the position of where I kinda know it, but I can’t let go, just in case I’ve got it wrong.. I don’t believe my own thoughts.. when he plays victim when am actually sticking up for myself I start feeling sorry for him.. and it’s taken so much energy to get to that point , that I just give in again.. and start thinking it’s the easier option.. plus doubts of me being on my own start scaring me all over again.. I have been in this relationship for 14 years.. and only just starting to believe my gut feelings, but can not just go no contact.. plus he refuses to leave at the point When i really mean it and could go through with it.. but then its his silent treatment and I forget what we have argued about and he pushes it under the carpet again like he always does.. and we’re back to square one.. and I’ve lost alittle bit of me again.. I am getting better, and understanding more but just can’t let go..

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Faron says March 21, 2019

This is spot on, everything in here sounded like you were directing it right at me. I would sit there at times and wonder what is wrong with me? I had taken a lot of abuse from her. I let go, and after two weeks I’ve bn so happy and full of joy. I just got sick of being hurt. After I left I sent a text and told them God Bless you two. I hope it works out for them. Anyway I did it, im done. God Bless anyone going through this. If I can do it you all can.

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Anonymous says March 21, 2019

This is so spot on its scary. I always was wondering what’s wrong with me? Now that I’ve let go i feel so much happier. I took a lot of abuse. The mental abuse is the worst. Anyway God Bless everyone going through this, if I can anybody can

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alice says February 10, 2019

My narcissist ex continues to try to help me with my business. I happened to find it so disturbing, He just does not want to leave me alone, I hate the fact the I love him but in the last few times I had seen him eye to eye, I can’t stand him. Last night he comes over and I allow him to sleep in my bed nothing sexually, but I can’t stand him even touching me.

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Geraldine says February 9, 2019

As I said to him at the end of it all, “hey, at least I’m not you!”. They are truly tragic people and we are strong, courageous people. They couldn’t take a day of what they dish out. I’m pretty strong now and well into getting over it all but I always come back to read everything Kim puts out to remind me. My mind has finally relaxed and I noticed that this happened when I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never ever take that fool back. It was as though the brain released me saying you’re safe now. However hard the journey is, push on whatever you do.

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Anonymous says February 9, 2019

Three years on, feeling strong, would never let that fool near me again and I do believe that once you have won that battle in your mind, you have won. They are so pathetic and we are the strong powerful ones. I also believe that once you really know in your mind you would never take them back for anything ever, the fear goes, the panic goes, the anger goes because you have taken back control and your mind is releasing you as it feels you are now safe. As I said to the idiot at the end, “hey, at least I’m not you”. I got sort of “picked up” the other day in a swimming pool by a would-be weirdo I’m sure and I just instantly recognised it, said I must go now and left. It felt great!!! Power to us all, when you distance yourself, you see how truly tragic they people are.

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Melody Weier says February 9, 2019

The best I have ever heard about this. Thankyou

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How The Problem Got So Big - Fiercely Unfettered says February 8, 2019

[…] win, and he actually turned the argument on me and it became a problem that I had a problem. Kim Saeed says, “…the narcissist will always turn into the victim during every fight – even when […]

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Jerrina Plourde says February 7, 2019

Excellent information, thank you

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Nancy Peden says February 7, 2019

Excellent, Kim. Your posts get better and better…..I recently let myself fall intentionally as I “KNEW ” it would help my health and “it” did…till he went rabid and ripped me off for love.

WE KNOW love is the way to live and I personally am recovering myself, again. Bruce Lipton’s Honeymoon Effect (https://amzn.to/2tbiz9m) though I have not read yet I as an epigeneticist, I am curious. Self-love must come first and I wonder, he, a narc male who may e somewhat healed, mentions this? How do we raise our own brain chemicals…I actually know as do you, Kim, we help others. I would be curious as to your sense of so many men becoming billionaire “healers.”

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Andreana says February 7, 2019

One week today I started no contact I’m struggling and I don’t know why ? I’ve endured three years of manipulation triangle games loss of money taken points on my driving licence to save his neck slander violence he’s 58 yrs old diagnosed with terminal asophigal cancer which he blames me for nothing to do with decades of alcohol abuse oh no really ? I told me six months ago he was moving a male 23yr old lodger in to walk his dogs as I was too lazy to do so I’m suffering from ms and overwhelmed with emotions positive thought for today I’ve my second yoga class tomorrow I wish all you suffers well on your long pain staking journeys much love

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Anonymous says February 7, 2019

I just need to know. I have made my move and found peace. My husband took his mom above our believe and trust. I couldn’t deal with this anymore because his mom came first before his wife and kids. Then I had alchohol abuse. He keeps that reason above what happened. I am seeing still a therapist and she believes I am not an alcoholic. For looking after my kids and the discussion that was made my kids is my prior nr one. My husband still believes in the discussion that was made is my own doing of my alchoholism. And. ot because he has chosen his mom above us. He was financially withdrawn from us because of his mom. He has chosen her in therapy with my daugter and best friend. I believe the shock still to reallizid why I moved out still needs to come. Please all woman out there starts with the fact why all this happened. Stick with your believe even going through a rough pathtch financially. All worrh it.

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    Anonymous says June 18, 2019

    Everything you said above is my current experience, unbelievable. I have broken no contact countless times since I left in Feb. But I’m recommitted to try again no contact, because as Kim says they don’t change and it doesn’t get better, the live bombing is so real until the real nastiness shows up again. I was actually considering going back thinking I couldn’t afford to take care of myself until I realized, I’m in this financial mess because of his choice to take care of his Mom at my expense. They’re both begging me to come back, Narc and his Narc Mom, not because they love me, but cash cow left the home. I’m determined to love me more than I thought I love him.

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diane says January 16, 2019

My ex would bring me flowers before he would go meet his mistress when he was telling me that he was going out with friends….for holidays, anniversarys and birthdays he would buy me beautiful jewelry, whatever I wanted. He bought me a $19,000 engagement ring and took me on trips every year and gave me whatever I wanted. HOWEVER, there was a price because in between all of this he was living a double life and cheating on me with all kinds of women and going away on trips with his mistress and even let her write $400 checks to herself and use his debit card. He was grooming her because he knew I was starting to catch on to who he really was and was also standing up to him against the abuse. That is how they keep you in that cycle because you want to believe that they are a good person because they are doing so many nice things for you but they only do that so that you will stick around and think that they “love” you because they are doing so much for you. But guess what, you are no special than the next “victim” they have in their sights. They are going to mess with the wrong person one day and end up hurt or dead and I wouldn’t feel one bit bad about it. In fact, I look forward to the day that they get their karma.

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    Anonymous says February 7, 2019

    Same thing happened to me.

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    Anonymous says February 7, 2019

    Amen to that! ❤️

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Ollie says January 13, 2019

I have to keep on reading everything I can about narcs. I am being led back down the rabbit hole. As my narcissist is in the hoovering phase like I have never seen them in a long time, and I would fully fall for it if I didn’t listen to my instincts for once, not to trust them.

Also, reading and drumming into my head from the videos and other people’s stories is helping me NOT believe them. Despite it being scary to leave, I do feel more empowered now that I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.

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Ollie says January 13, 2019

I have to keep on reading everything I can because I am being led back down the rabbit hole. As my narcissist is in the hoovering phase like I have never seen them in a long time, and I would fully fall for it if I didn’t listen to my instincts for once, not to trust them. Also, reading and drumming into my head from the videos and other people’s stories is helping me NOT believe them. Despite it being scary to leave, I do feel more empowered now that I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.

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    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2019

    So glad you are remaining steadfast, Olive! Your future self will thank you so much!

    Kim XoXo

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Anonymous says January 10, 2019

I wish I could gain the courage to stop talking to him and stop craving the attention I get from him (when I do get it) – I’m currently pregnant and he’s giving me the bare minimum, telling me I’m asking too much of him for him to talk to me. He says “you’re not the only thing in my life right now, you need to understand that” – I just don’t understand how someone can be so horrible. So uncaring and distant.

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Ann says January 5, 2019

Thank you for your wisdom. I spent 23 years off and on with someone I am only now realizing is a sociopath/narcissist. He is now doing the push and pull with our youngest (adult) child because I went no contact. Thank God I finally see the light. I thought it was alcoholism, then mental illness, that kept him emotionally unavailable most of the time. Nope, he’s just a truly awful human being. Thank God for freedom!

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EJN says December 30, 2018

You have just described my life for the past 20 years. No wonder it is taking so long for me to heal emotionally and mentally.

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Jenn says December 8, 2018

Thanks. Best post ever. Wonderful

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    Kim Saeed says December 12, 2018

    Thank you! So glad it resonated with you 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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Jennifer says December 2, 2018

I love this. It explains so much. My ex husband is one and will always be one.

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Peggy says November 29, 2018

I married a pastor who is a narcissist. He moved into my home. What’s the best course of action to get him out?

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Sheridan says October 26, 2018

My daughter has narcissist personality disorder. D you have information specifically related to a mother dealing with a narcissist child. My daughter is 50. I have no contact with her for 3 years.

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Yasemin Selek says October 26, 2018

Indeed! That is the best piece of information describing and revealing the narcissist.
Dear people, believe me, it is such a great feeling to find this out at the end of everything. The sad thing is we feel it through out the relationship with the narcissist. Funny enough, that they can make us wonder if we are the guilty ones…But feelings never lie! (very very deep inside). Listen to yourself and let them go the first time things feel loose.

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    Chrissy the Conqueror says February 7, 2019

    I wish I had listened to my instincts/feelings in the first month. Was sucked in wanting to believe he was a good person and it was all in my head. Never again! By the way, Kim is laying it out SO WELL that it can’t help but change lives for the better. Lucky I got discarded and found it… his secret girlfriend who he’s had since day one has been in on it for years and is also a sick narc. But now I’m done with them. IT took getting an alarms system and cameras, though, and my online activity is still not safe. Nor my phone

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no-way says October 26, 2018

What if they are covert? You don’t get told to your face how awful they think you are yet they say it to other people to make out they are just tolerating you and the relationship. They do not say to your face but go off and do their own thing and make out that you, their partner are a control freak yet you give them enough rope to hang themselves with…
I thought my relationship was good. He thought it was good too! I paid for everything, put a roof over his head, loved him, gave him children yet he spent the money, had secret lives, went abroad on holiday with other women but told us he had a contract away. Managed to wangle thousands out me to set up a ‘family business’ but in reality he was setting it up with another woman, an ex colleague of his who also happened to rent our old family home from us…
I never knew we had relationship issues. I got frustrated at him not pulling his weight financially but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now I look back I was a mug. He mugged off me. He has no self respect. He’s now engaged to his 12 year junior naive affair partner (not the ex colleague/tenant. I had to tell her about the 28 year old!)
And he’s abandoned his kids… And I suspect him of abusing my daughter…!
He has warped my head!

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Jay says October 25, 2018

This relationship has left me broken and living on the street. Trying to get all I can from your wisdom. Thank you. Jay

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shari prouhet says October 25, 2018

Wow! Such truth. I wish i was younger

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Michel says October 25, 2018

So true. Divorced from one for over 6 years. Allowed him to continue to manipulate for 6 years post divorce thinking I could make him be a part of kids lives. We have all had to go to no contact for the past 4 months. Wish I had done it years ago.

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Darla Bayless says October 25, 2018

Wow! After what I have been through the past couple weeks this got me right between the eyes. I have got to find courage to break away. Thank you Kim!

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Jan says October 25, 2018

Hi Kim, From the bottom of my heart I Thank You so very much for all the enlightenment that Life is indeed beautiful on the other side if we are brave enough and courageous to leave a toxic relationship. Thank you for empowering us women who fought so hard for our loved ones and you have truly understood our situation. Self-love, self-respect above all peace of mind is my top priority right now for the sake of my son. I love you and More Power!

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Mercedes says October 25, 2018

My husband or soon to be had done 7 years of daily hourly damage to myself and my youngest son and he now has custody of our twin daughters for the next year mandated by a judge because I lost my mind and said and did things that were awful in 2 voicemails, I acknowledged those and own them, but how do I get past this now how do I continue to live daily without my girls and restart my life I walked away from that built for 20yrs to come back to nothing and he gloats and snarks because he won and he is the victim but he was arrested I walk through the day like a zombie with my heart aching because my son isn’t getting the best of me I’m not giving myself nor him the best of me and I am so scared of losing them forever because of his antics I am going to therapy I took parenting courses anger management courses, and there is still a void that is so big I just can’t see light how do I change that? I weighed 225lbs in aug I’m now 148lbs and it’s Oct… I’m supposed to make myself better to show this judge that I’m not a crazy but he gave my girls to a monster. How do I cope with that?

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    diane says January 16, 2019

    get a new lawyer and fight for your kids!

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    Niqueser says July 24, 2019

    Hi Mercedes,
    My only advice is to seek God! Seek him wholeheartedly! Learn as much as you can and ask God for strength and wisdom. For courage and knows. For peace and healing…protection from the evil that continues to haunt you! God helped me a few years ago but I have backslided cause my husband is out of jail and won’t get the @&$¥ out of my moms home! God bless you sister and good luck!! You got this! Sorry almost a year late! I hope things got better for ya! I’m curious to know if you don’t mind emailing me! Hope to hear from you…Niqueser from Hilo, Hawaii!

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Jay says October 25, 2018

Thanks…for connecting the dots…(help make sense of this persons treatment toward me.)…I never tried to grow or go any further..once i tasted the abuse.. physically (once)…and verbally for the last 5 yrs after the 2013 domestic abuse….I just let it play out…to see more of what I didn’t want…..until this year of major no contact…wow….did it fr…thank God …moving forward for sure

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Jeffrey W Carroll says October 25, 2018

Thanks…for connecting the dots…(help make sense of this persons treatment toward me.)…I never tried to grow or go any further..once i tasted the abuse.. physically (once)…and verbally for the last 5 yrs after the 2013 domestic abuse….I just let it play out…to see more of what I didn’t want…..until this year of major no contact…wow….did it fr…thank God …moving forward for sure

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Gloria Cantu says October 25, 2018

I have been married to a narcissist for a very long time, so long, that I have had time to discover for myself that he is a narcissist, study the situation and detach emotionally. I really don’t care at all what he says or does. I stay because it is convenient. I really think that at least this narcissist is also codependent. He is incapable of doing many things for himself. And he cannot stand change. Any change. I wonder if he has some kind of autism. He is a post war kid. Second world war. He never speaks about it. I think maybe he had a big trauma at that time. But he has always been responsible to sustain his family.

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Carroll laneulie says October 25, 2018

An amazing truth/insight into the truth of a narcissist..
Thankyou Kim from the bottom of my heart… I am now in the South of France trying so very hard to separate myself from the man I love with all my heart that isn’t really there…so amazingly hard to do…

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Amy says October 25, 2018

Letting go is the hardest part. It seems as though it should be easy, after ALL the mental and emotional abuse. I feel I’m in the witness protection program. I’m hiding so he won’t find me. If he finds out my location, he will come for me. It is sickening. He is sickening. He has accomplished what he set out to do …..destroy me little by little. No job. No home. While he is sitting pretty. I thought of myself as a strong individual and that he would never be able to bring me to my knees. I think he has. I keep wondering… what the hell is wrong with me …do I dare say he has won, oh God I hope not

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    annonomous says September 5, 2019

    i am blown away by your story and so many others! i truly thought I was the only one that this happened to!!
    Like you I have no home and no job.
    im still trying to figure out how im going to survive this!

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Susannah says October 23, 2018

I recently saw my ex at a wedding. For the first time, seeing him did not make me feel angry or sad. I felt almost nothing. I didn’t mind meeting his girlfriend at all. I didn’t even feel tempted to warn her because I knew it’d be pointless. Seeing him did not make me remember all of our years together. In fact, he did not seem familiar at all. When I first met him he had brown curly hair but now he’s bald and without the fake look of love on his face, he really isn’t the same person. I think of all the time grieving our past and our expected future together has finally come to an end. Yes, I am much happier now.

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    suzee says October 25, 2018

    thanks for sharing. how long did it take you to get to this ‘happy place’?
    Thanks!

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      Chrissy the Conqueror says February 7, 2019

      My relief occurred as soon as I got away from him… tho I had regrets for not seeing his machinations earlier. But my PHYSICAL relief started immediately. He would leave me drained for says after spending a wknd with him, now I know why: it was planned (sleep deprivation, gaslighting, etc). But emotionally, the peace I feel now–four months out, and it keeps getting better–is SO RADICALLY DIFFERENT from how I felt with him. He tried to keep me in his thrall by constantly stalking and burgling my home, but even the fear and constant insecurity from that was LIGHT YEARS better than being with him and walking on eggshells/not knowing what he’d do next. And now that I have a security system, I’m so far better off in all areas. Still, the pain I had to put aside to get thru the stalking and fight the home invasions (while I was at work, away, etc) is now coming up. Even though it’s hard, it’s still a walk in the park compared to the darkness I was in before I found out he was a sick triangulating narc and was able to go NC. Very lucky. IF you are lucky enough to be discarded, get down on your knees and thank whatever god you worship/faith you practice, and then pick yourself up and move on in power! Don’t look back 🙂 the future-view is indeed soo beautiful. Thanks, Kim!

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Andorra Rain says October 8, 2018

I’m currently in a relationship with a narcissist. I was looking in the internet what I’m experiencing at the moment because I dont understand anymore and I saw the articles about narcissist and it answer all my questions. I’m so broken and damaged and I don’t know what to do. I committed suicide twice and I was hospitalized few times because I break down and he never learn from it. Im so afraid to talk to him now and I want to leave him but I don’t know why I still love him. Im totally a mess now.

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    diane says January 16, 2019

    you need to get counseling and get away from him!

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Maureen says October 2, 2018

I was with a Vancouver Police officer here in b.c. Canada for 22 plus years. You live a life which is dictated by his job his shifts his time off. You don’t get holidays like Xmas or thanksgiving because he is working. Your entire life is sacrifice after sacrifice. Then he bhomes abusive. Then he insults your family and friends.

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    Laura says October 27, 2018

    That’s how I feel 25 years on and off with the same man I can’t get rid of them and now we have a grandbaby and it’s sacrifice after sacrifice he insults my friends or my family I can’t talk about anything really at all unless it’s about in and do I dare say anything my kids are insulted every time they do something and takes potshots at them indirectly putting me down but also to thank you for posting and sharing

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Kathy says October 1, 2018

Hi Kim,
I have been reading your inspiring advice every day for basically forever or so it feels. I left “HIM” at the beginning of January 2016. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I ran as far as I could as fast as I could. I wanted to write in your comments box so often but just didn’t feel like it. Maybe I don’t want everyone to know my story because it’s like a horror movie. So maybe I’ll comment again sometime.

Love Kathy

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    Kim Saeed says October 3, 2018

    Hi Kathy, I am glad you did the brave thing and left. You deserve to be happy…you can comment here anytime you wish. Sometimes, sharing your story helps you release it so you can move forward.

    Kim XoXo

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    diane says January 16, 2019

    Kathy don’t be afraid to share because we have all been through the “horror story” and can understand and relate to what you went through. So proud of you that you had the courage to leave so now you can heal and move on in your life.

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Anonymous says October 1, 2018

There was a so called astrologer who did negative and dangerous futurepredictions. I had the idea that it was fake. It was only for their image to abuse me and other people as an object to prove themselves. What only serves their purpose. I”ve been warned that it would be a bad boyish person with bad boyisch pranks. It would also be wild west and tumoli and it would be erhical and technical irrisponsible and there was somebody who said that that person would be lifethreatened. He is does future predictions with a fatalistic outcome with dramatic circumstances such as moneyloss and that you can”t pay the bills anymore and chases people in narcissistic realtionships. In stead to prevent this they make it happen that people are getting envolved in this reationships and in the beginning they are putting themsvelves on a pedestal and do as if they think and feel the same but after a while when you give them the benefit of the doubt and trust them they begin to devaluate you and say that you could use your senses and brains better. That you should use your brainpen better and tear you down on your apperance and make up and that you should be unrepresenative. And I had to cope with healthy people and it is as you are deberately seeking unhealthy people which is i think an unconcious process when you attracht unhealthy people. You are not aware where you are dealing with and become a peoplemagnet for abusive and unhealthy persons but did this not intentionally. I can not understand that people are intentionallyseeking for unhealthy people. In the beginning it is invisible and i think selftrust and trust your gut. When it does n”t feel good it is a lie and does it feel good it is the truth. And this was happened repeatedly that i came in hands of an abusive person and also with who are working in professions like a G.P. and therapist and you don”t trust many people anymore. Ans it is as if they feel that and also your weaknesses and when they know and feel that they can take advantage of that. Firm boundaries it”s said but some narcissists have a good insight of the human nature and can take advantage of that. Lonely people and too idealistic people selfsacrificing people people who are too good of trust or whe are naive can be a good candidate for an narcissistic abuser. I wish nobody such a relationship such as the narcissist. People who do that are wrongdoing criminals and can be held responsible for a wrongful act or even maybe a wrongful death. Narcissism is not a joke and everybody deserves protection against dangerous persons like a narcissist can and may even be. They can play their role like a Hollywood actor without to mean it and only what serves their purpose and can be very seducive all the time and after yours they can still hoover to create havoc

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    Kim Saeed says October 3, 2018

    Hi Anon…this guy sounds exactly like a cult leader.

    Kim

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Marie says September 29, 2018

I feel like this article was written about my ex partner. I wasted 10 years of my life going through this cycle. I’ve been free for 3 years although he has still tried. Sending me flowers… I refused to take them from the lovely florist 3 times. It can be done but I know I’m still recovering. But I am free…

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Anonymous says September 29, 2018

I feel like this article was written about my ex partner. I wasted 10 years of my life going through this cycle. I’ve been free for 3 years although he has still tried. Sending me flowers… I refused to take them from the lovely florist 3 times. It can be done but I know I’m still recovering. But I am free…

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    Kim Saeed says October 4, 2018

    You are a strong, courageous soul. Glad to know you are free now.

    Kim XoXo

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Barbara says September 28, 2018

What if the Narc is your 18 year old daughter??

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    Kim Saeed says October 4, 2018

    Hi Barbara,

    It depends on her level of narcissist traits. Many people do low- to no contact with their family members. A tough choice, but sometimes a necessary one.

    Kim

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Leo says September 28, 2018

This never ending seems to me like the worst nightmare. I have learned all about narcissism. I stay away from him for a while but he always returns. I never got a propose for a relationship, for about six years he has been around, coming and going as he pleases leaving me grieving until the next time she shows up. I miss him so much some times. Other times I feel like I am letting it go. I feel trapped.

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    Kim Saeed says September 30, 2018

    Hi Leo,

    Sounds like it’s time to let go. One day, you’ll look back on all the time you’ve wasted on this relationship with deep regret. If you start letting go today, you will thank yourself in three months…and for the rest of your life.

    Kim XoXo

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      Leo says October 1, 2018

      Thank you very much Kim!

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Carol Gorman says September 27, 2018

Monday will be 1 month No Contact.

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    Corinna says September 30, 2018

    Congratulations, Carol! That first month is the hardest. It takes so much strength and every day you maintain NC you prove your worth and strength to yourself. You can do this! You are worth it!! I went NC at the end of January after 26 years living an idealized life, thinking I was adored and in an amazing marriage. When I got sick what followed was 3 years of such intense abuse and insanity I didn’t think I’d survive the shock, loss and grief. This month I turned 55, sold my home and signed the final divorce papers. I have lost everything I knew, had and thought I was, but in it all I am finding me again. I had no idea how much I ignored, explained away and tolerated over the decades until I was nothing but a puddle of worthlessness at the end, sorry to even be alive. What they do is soul murder and we have to save ourselves. I wish you all the very best and hope your journey is as gentle as possible. xox

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      Donna says November 13, 2018

      Sounds exactly like me. My ex was having a 5 year affair but would not admit it to me. Finally when I filed he said he would destroy me and I should think long and hard before making that decision. Now my son is acting like him. So sad but happy to be free of the abuse. Keep moving forward and think of you.

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    Kim Saeed says September 30, 2018

    Yay! So happy for you, Carol. Stay the course. You CAN do this!

    Kim XoXo

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Babs says September 27, 2018

If a co-worker constantly undermines and/or verbally abuses you, please write it down in your personal diary. Submit it to the supervisor/boss as soon as possible to let him/her know what you are being subjected to. I did not and deeply regret it. Of course…the supervisor may also be part of the problem, so in that case write a ‘pre-script’ before talking to them.

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