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Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program
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the cycle of narcissism

The Cycle of Narcissism: Why Do They Teeter Between Love and Hate?

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Most people seem to understand that being in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t a pleasant experience.

They know narcissists use inflated egos to mask their insecurities. At the same time, however, most people aren’t aware of the degrading, abusive, and dehumanizing effects that the cycle of narcissism casts upon its targets.

Narcissism isn’t a funny personality quirk or movie trope: it’s a personality disorder. In fact, narcissists lack a comprehensive knowledge of emotions – particularly when it comes to whole object relations and object constancy.

That’s exactly why being in a relationship with a narcissist is so confusing – they’re constantly teetering between loving you wholeheartedly and hating your guts.

Understanding the Love Cycle of Narcissism

By the time you realize you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s often far too late to make a clean break.

In some cases, you have developed strong roots with the narcissist through marriage, children, or cohabitation. In others, you may have experienced deep trauma and subsequent bonding with the narcissist which only prolongs your toxic attachment and love addiction.

Or maybe the narcissist has just spent so long devaluing you that you truly believe you don’t deserve anything better. (You do!)

Regardless of the situation, narcissists tend to follow a similar scheme as they rope victims into relationships.

Counterfeit Love in the Cycle of Narcissism

Chances are, you look back on the beginning of the relationship very fondly. It might have even seemed too good to be real – true love at last!

Maybe the narcissist showered you with dinners, appreciation, validation, gifts, and affection like you’ve never experienced. This is called “Love Bombing” and it’s the first stage in the love cycle of narcissism when the narcissist wants you to believe that this expression of love is genuine.

But just like a drug dealer who passes out first fixes for free, the narcissist has a plan for their Love Bombing: they want to get you hooked before limiting your supply.

Slowly but surely, these blissful moments of love are replaced by fights filled with degradation, dehumanization, and devaluation. Of course, they say it’s your fault: you didn’t live up to their unrealistic expectations and fabricated idea of who you are or what you should be.

Then, finally, the good times turn into a distant memory.

A brief glimmer of hope will poke through every so often: the narcissist might bless you with a hug and a “you know I love you” after an intense fight. Maybe you’ll have a quiet evening with Netflix and some pizza that reminds you of the good times you used to have.

Maybe they really have changed – or at least you’ll be able to work it out, right?

This little taste of air – while you’re gasping for breath – is how the narcissist keeps you hanging on, longing for the times that once were.

But before you know it, the good time has passed and you’re onto the next fight, feeling worthless again.

Why Narcissists Rarely Truly Leave

Well, specifically, how you can make their life easier while improving their status.

A narcissist will never have a genuinely loving and fulfilling relationship with anyone because that’s not what they want when they take on a partner. (Remember this when you finally split and later see them “happy” with someone new.)

The narcissist needs someone in their life to function like a proverbial punching bag: someone to validate their own self-worth. That’s why the narcissist will always turn into the victim during every fight – even when you rightfully bring up something hurtful they’ve done or said.

You might wonder, why doesn’t the narcissist just leave you if they hate you so much? Doesn’t the cycle of narcissism ever end? Aren’t they sick of this torment yet?

They’ve spent so long drilling home the idea that you’re worthless and undeserving of love or support – so why do they stick around?

There are a few reasons for this:

  • You’re functioning as their assistant. You clean up their messes, shop for food, cover their rent, manage the family, and oversee all their adult responsibilities. Who would leave that behind?
  • They’re comfortable unleashing their deepest abuse on you. Their casual friends or coworkers certainly wouldn’t put up with the degrading words you hear every day. In fact, others may not even realize or believe that your partner is an abusive narcissist. Some narcissists hide their intentions very well.
  • They can’t admit failure. Leaving you would mean they’ve made *gasp* a mistake. This is far too much reality for any narcissist to handle. Plus, they wouldn’t be able to use their resentment against you later when you don’t live up to their expectations.

How the Cycle of Narcissism Leads to Abuse: Their Lack of Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy

Unlike many other mental health conditions, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) leave victims in their wake.

In fact, recovering from narcissistic abuse involves reshaping your entire identity – which the narcissist has replaced with their own. It can sometimes take years to fully recover.

If a narcissist enters your life, especially in the form of a romantic partner, they will completely drain you of your entire sense of self. When you finally break free, you’ll find yourself starting over from scratch – questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself.

This is because narcissists don’t experience or process emotions as you or I do. To the narcissist, emotions like love, sadness, or remorse are vulnerabilities to be exploited – not normal elements of the human experience.

See, the narcissist’s dangerous lack of social and emotional development stems from their nonexistent comprehension of two key concepts: whole object relations and object constancy.

They can’t comprehend that good people aren’t perfect. To the narcissist, you’re part of their mental hierarchy: you’re either above their status and should be envied or you’re below their status and worthy of chronic disrespect.

This poor emotional development drives narcissists to use emotions as tools to manipulate everyone around them: coworkers, friends, family members, and especially their intimate partners.

Whole Object Relations

This is our ability to see the “oneness” that brings us all together – it’s what drives our sense of humanity.

Whole object relations allow us to see another person’s qualities in an integrated way: we accept that people can be generally good, yet still sometimes do rude or hurtful things. We forgive people we care about who make mistakes because we know that everyone is human and, therefore, will act out on occasion.  (This is one reason non-disordered people so easily forgive narcissists for their cruel behaviors).

Narcissists don’t understand this concept. Instead, narcissists view people as either all good or all bad. To the narcissist, if you are no longer special in their mind, you have fallen to a low status.  Quite literally, they’ll categorize you as being among the dregs of society. 

This is why they can go from making you feel special, to making you feel like dirt underneath their shoes.  By the time you’ve fallen from grace, they feel that you have no redeeming qualities and believe you deserve to be mistreated.

Object Constancy

This is where universal unconditional love comes from. For most of us, we recognize that we can still have a positive relationship with someone even if they make mistakes or occasionally hurt us – because chances are, they really didn’t mean to cause harm.

Narcissists don’t possess the capacity for object constancy.  Therefore, when it comes to the broadly known ‘devalue and discard’ phases, they feel such dislike for you, they have no problem treating you with cold indifference and loathing.

The narcissist understands that you, on the other hand, have object constancy and they’re keen on exploiting this trait.

 The narcissist knows you’ll stick around through all the abuse because you’ve experienced their good side and how well they can treat you – when they believe you deserve it, of course.

But this “good side” is all a façade and part of the cycle to keep you hooked and begging for that next fix.  In fact, when the narcissist is being kind, it’s an integrated part of the abuse.

Why the Cycle of Narcissism Continues Indefinitely

This cycle between very real abuse and phony affection is the narcissist’s ideal relationship.

No matter how many times they promise to change and offer you brief moments of appreciation, this is just all part of the cycle of narcissism to keep you around.

It’s just maintenance work to them: these promises are never genuine because they have no intention of changing anything.

In fact, the narcissist is incapable of ever seeing themselves as anything other than the victim. It is impossible for them to see things your way. The narcissist will always see you as competition that must be kept below their status.

Breaking Free from the Cycle of Narcissism – for Good

Leaving a narcissist for good is far from easy – especially if you’ve already built a life with them.

But remember, it is entirely possible.

No matter how long the narcissist has beaten you down and told you otherwise, you really do deserve a better life. You deserve the respect, admiration, and appreciation that the narcissist dangled over you with their carrot and stick approach for so long.

Rebuilding your sense of self-worth and very identity will take a lot of work, but you’ll come out stronger and more dignified than ever.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is worth it and going “No Contact” is the only way out.

Life on the other side is beautiful. Just imagine what you could accomplish and how you could experience life without the cycle of narcissism dragging you down.  If you want to finally break the narcissistic spell, claim your free Beginner’s Healing Toolkit:   Includes a 10-day email series for encouragement and support. * Complimentary seating in my seminar: 7 Proven Steps to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse * A 30-day New Life calendar * 16 Empowering Beliefs to Live By + more!

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” ~ Tori Amos

 


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78 comments
Suzanne sheppard says July 23, 2019

I’ve lost my home, inheritance, my father died, my family hates me and my husband is now at a halfway house soon to return while I live in a tent in a friends backyard. He’s had affairs, blamed me for all his troubles while I do all I can to try and get him to his appointments and take care of things he needs done and supply him with money and cigs and anything else he says he needs while I have absolutely nothing . After he has made me feel like I deserve nothing. And yet, I can’t go! I love the Him I was made to believe he was . He “ saved “ me from an extremely abusive relationship I was in before him! I can’t make the hurt stop! I know I need to but I can’t!! It breaks me up in such hurtful painful pieces and no one is there for me to help me thru it!

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    Blair says September 7, 2019

    Suzanne, He didn’t “save” you from an abusive relationship. He saw an opportunity in you for a new supply. The person you love does not exist and never has and especially never will. You’ve lost enough. Focus on you!

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    Shannon Bauer says September 11, 2019

    You can do this. I did this. Almost exactly identical to what you are going through. You’ve proven your strength because you’ve tried. Trust me. You’ve checked the box. It’s time to take care of you. The steel core you have inside (and you have one, because you’ve survived) will get you through. Your family will return. Mine did. He shows his true colors after it’s over. It’s time to walk away. You will be ok.

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Anonymous says June 16, 2019

So enlightening. Do true snd encouraging.

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Cornelia says June 15, 2019

Thank you for your articles! It is just like my husband! He is such an unloved sad person! The victim! Yet he is the laziest, messiest, person who spends money as if it grows on trees and blames me for everything! He keeps saying he feels like walking out, I do wish he did! It is like you say, I sort out everything! How can I tell him to just pack his bags and go!
It is my house so I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting that too!
If I go to a lawyer, he is one himself so knows what he can claim, he would go mad!

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Anonymous says June 15, 2019

Sing a song and go walking – it helps sometimes:

You‘re so full of your self-importance
Shoo fly, shoo
You‘ve put up walls like a big, scared fortress
Shoo fly, shoo

You think you are the center of the world
But the boys all laugh
to the screaming of the girls :
„You‘re an egomaniac“
Shoo fly, shoo!

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Anonymous 23 says June 14, 2019

This is my second time of going no contact with my soon to be EX husband of almost 15 years. Word for word exactly every single thing Kim said happened. I stood my ground against him for the sake of my children not having to watch their mother be put down and completely degraded for doing everything for this man over and over again for absolutely no reason at all! I’m a firm believer that if someone wants to change for the better, they can! But you only have so many chances when it comes to my children and all the broken promises telling them how your behavior isnt acceptable and you were fixing yourself. Not sure what it is about this time of no contact, but I feel so much more incredibly confident, almost powerful if you will💪👊. I’m no longer fighting to save my marraige. I’m now fighting to show my children this behavior is never to EVER be tolerated or displayed by anyone that they may have relationships with in their future!!!!! #StayStrong and keep moving forward!😉 Nobody deserves to be treated in such a dishonorable way and made to think that’s actually love.
My kids and I plan on moving south soon which should make things alot easier to get him out of our lives for good!

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Laurette says May 26, 2019

Timely and valuable information

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Jill says May 11, 2019

Man this article is dead on. The live bombing thing totally happened to me and the guy I met at work who had become my friend one day gave me his number and from then on called me all the time and asked me to be his girlfriend right away and told me he loved me in the first two weeks of dating. I can’t believe I fell for all of that bullshit but I guess he saw that I was lonely and wanted a relationship but after a year of going through the ups and downs and finding him talking to other women he’s promising me he’s gonna change and I tried to take him back but it only lasted a month and I just couldn’t live that way constantly wondering if he was cheating on me all the time and lying to me about it so I blocked his number after a fight the other day when I asked for his help with my car and he told me to ask my son for help I just blew up at him and told him to go be with the other whores he’s probably still talking to and I blocked his number. It’s only been two days and I really hope I can get through it this time. It’s hard to leave because unlike him I actually love him but apparently he doesn’t feel any of those emotions and it’s sad he’s just telling me he loves me to keep me coming back. I hope I can make it through this time without going back to his bullshit even though I love him and his family.

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3 Grounding Techniques to Ease Anxiety After Narcissistic Abuse - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says April 4, 2019

[…] you’re second guessing your decision, wondering if he or she will hoover you (again) and torn in the conflicting anxiety of wanting the old, confident YOU back and secretly wanting the […]

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Faron says March 21, 2019

This is spot on, everything in here sounded like you were directing it right at me. I would sit there at times and wonder what is wrong with me? I had taken a lot of abuse from her. I let go, and after two weeks I’ve bn so happy and full of joy. I just got sick of being hurt. After I left I sent a text and told them God Bless you two. I hope it works out for them. Anyway I did it, im done. God Bless anyone going through this. If I can do it you all can.

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Anonymous says March 21, 2019

This is so spot on its scary. I always was wondering what’s wrong with me? Now that I’ve let go i feel so much happier. I took a lot of abuse. The mental abuse is the worst. Anyway God Bless everyone going through this, if I can anybody can

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alice says February 10, 2019

My narcissist ex continues to try to help me with my business. I happened to find it so disturbing, He just does not want to leave me alone, I hate the fact the I love him but in the last few times I had seen him eye to eye, I can’t stand him. Last night he comes over and I allow him to sleep in my bed nothing sexually, but I can’t stand him even touching me.

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Geraldine says February 9, 2019

As I said to him at the end of it all, “hey, at least I’m not you!”. They are truly tragic people and we are strong, courageous people. They couldn’t take a day of what they dish out. I’m pretty strong now and well into getting over it all but I always come back to read everything Kim puts out to remind me. My mind has finally relaxed and I noticed that this happened when I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never ever take that fool back. It was as though the brain released me saying you’re safe now. However hard the journey is, push on whatever you do.

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Anonymous says February 9, 2019

Three years on, feeling strong, would never let that fool near me again and I do believe that once you have won that battle in your mind, you have won. They are so pathetic and we are the strong powerful ones. I also believe that once you really know in your mind you would never take them back for anything ever, the fear goes, the panic goes, the anger goes because you have taken back control and your mind is releasing you as it feels you are now safe. As I said to the idiot at the end, “hey, at least I’m not you”. I got sort of “picked up” the other day in a swimming pool by a would-be weirdo I’m sure and I just instantly recognised it, said I must go now and left. It felt great!!! Power to us all, when you distance yourself, you see how truly tragic they people are.

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Melody Weier says February 9, 2019

The best I have ever heard about this. Thankyou

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How The Problem Got So Big - Fiercely Unfettered says February 8, 2019

[…] win, and he actually turned the argument on me and it became a problem that I had a problem. Kim Saeed says, “…the narcissist will always turn into the victim during every fight – even when […]

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Jerrina Plourde says February 7, 2019

Excellent information, thank you

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Nancy Peden says February 7, 2019

Excellent, Kim. Your posts get better and better…..I recently let myself fall intentionally as I “KNEW ” it would help my health and “it” did…till he went rabid and ripped me off for love.

WE KNOW love is the way to live and I personally am recovering myself, again. Bruce Lipton’s Honeymoon Effect (https://amzn.to/2tbiz9m) though I have not read yet I as an epigeneticist, I am curious. Self-love must come first and I wonder, he, a narc male who may e somewhat healed, mentions this? How do we raise our own brain chemicals…I actually know as do you, Kim, we help others. I would be curious as to your sense of so many men becoming billionaire “healers.”

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Andreana says February 7, 2019

One week today I started no contact I’m struggling and I don’t know why ? I’ve endured three years of manipulation triangle games loss of money taken points on my driving licence to save his neck slander violence he’s 58 yrs old diagnosed with terminal asophigal cancer which he blames me for nothing to do with decades of alcohol abuse oh no really ? I told me six months ago he was moving a male 23yr old lodger in to walk his dogs as I was too lazy to do so I’m suffering from ms and overwhelmed with emotions positive thought for today I’ve my second yoga class tomorrow I wish all you suffers well on your long pain staking journeys much love

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Anonymous says February 7, 2019

I just need to know. I have made my move and found peace. My husband took his mom above our believe and trust. I couldn’t deal with this anymore because his mom came first before his wife and kids. Then I had alchohol abuse. He keeps that reason above what happened. I am seeing still a therapist and she believes I am not an alcoholic. For looking after my kids and the discussion that was made my kids is my prior nr one. My husband still believes in the discussion that was made is my own doing of my alchoholism. And. ot because he has chosen his mom above us. He was financially withdrawn from us because of his mom. He has chosen her in therapy with my daugter and best friend. I believe the shock still to reallizid why I moved out still needs to come. Please all woman out there starts with the fact why all this happened. Stick with your believe even going through a rough pathtch financially. All worrh it.

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    Anonymous says June 18, 2019

    Everything you said above is my current experience, unbelievable. I have broken no contact countless times since I left in Feb. But I’m recommitted to try again no contact, because as Kim says they don’t change and it doesn’t get better, the live bombing is so real until the real nastiness shows up again. I was actually considering going back thinking I couldn’t afford to take care of myself until I realized, I’m in this financial mess because of his choice to take care of his Mom at my expense. They’re both begging me to come back, Narc and his Narc Mom, not because they love me, but cash cow left the home. I’m determined to love me more than I thought I love him.

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diane says January 16, 2019

My ex would bring me flowers before he would go meet his mistress when he was telling me that he was going out with friends….for holidays, anniversarys and birthdays he would buy me beautiful jewelry, whatever I wanted. He bought me a $19,000 engagement ring and took me on trips every year and gave me whatever I wanted. HOWEVER, there was a price because in between all of this he was living a double life and cheating on me with all kinds of women and going away on trips with his mistress and even let her write $400 checks to herself and use his debit card. He was grooming her because he knew I was starting to catch on to who he really was and was also standing up to him against the abuse. That is how they keep you in that cycle because you want to believe that they are a good person because they are doing so many nice things for you but they only do that so that you will stick around and think that they “love” you because they are doing so much for you. But guess what, you are no special than the next “victim” they have in their sights. They are going to mess with the wrong person one day and end up hurt or dead and I wouldn’t feel one bit bad about it. In fact, I look forward to the day that they get their karma.

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    Anonymous says February 7, 2019

    Same thing happened to me.

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    Anonymous says February 7, 2019

    Amen to that! ❤️

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Ollie says January 13, 2019

I have to keep on reading everything I can about narcs. I am being led back down the rabbit hole. As my narcissist is in the hoovering phase like I have never seen them in a long time, and I would fully fall for it if I didn’t listen to my instincts for once, not to trust them.

Also, reading and drumming into my head from the videos and other people’s stories is helping me NOT believe them. Despite it being scary to leave, I do feel more empowered now that I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.

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Ollie says January 13, 2019

I have to keep on reading everything I can because I am being led back down the rabbit hole. As my narcissist is in the hoovering phase like I have never seen them in a long time, and I would fully fall for it if I didn’t listen to my instincts for once, not to trust them. Also, reading and drumming into my head from the videos and other people’s stories is helping me NOT believe them. Despite it being scary to leave, I do feel more empowered now that I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.

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    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2019

    So glad you are remaining steadfast, Olive! Your future self will thank you so much!

    Kim XoXo

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Anonymous says January 10, 2019

I wish I could gain the courage to stop talking to him and stop craving the attention I get from him (when I do get it) – I’m currently pregnant and he’s giving me the bare minimum, telling me I’m asking too much of him for him to talk to me. He says “you’re not the only thing in my life right now, you need to understand that” – I just don’t understand how someone can be so horrible. So uncaring and distant.

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Ann says January 5, 2019

Thank you for your wisdom. I spent 23 years off and on with someone I am only now realizing is a sociopath/narcissist. He is now doing the push and pull with our youngest (adult) child because I went no contact. Thank God I finally see the light. I thought it was alcoholism, then mental illness, that kept him emotionally unavailable most of the time. Nope, he’s just a truly awful human being. Thank God for freedom!

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EJN says December 30, 2018

You have just described my life for the past 20 years. No wonder it is taking so long for me to heal emotionally and mentally.

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Jenn says December 8, 2018

Thanks. Best post ever. Wonderful

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    Kim Saeed says December 12, 2018

    Thank you! So glad it resonated with you 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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Jennifer says December 2, 2018

I love this. It explains so much. My ex husband is one and will always be one.

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Peggy says November 29, 2018

I married a pastor who is a narcissist. He moved into my home. What’s the best course of action to get him out?

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Sheridan says October 26, 2018

My daughter has narcissist personality disorder. D you have information specifically related to a mother dealing with a narcissist child. My daughter is 50. I have no contact with her for 3 years.

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Yasemin Selek says October 26, 2018

Indeed! That is the best piece of information describing and revealing the narcissist.
Dear people, believe me, it is such a great feeling to find this out at the end of everything. The sad thing is we feel it through out the relationship with the narcissist. Funny enough, that they can make us wonder if we are the guilty ones…But feelings never lie! (very very deep inside). Listen to yourself and let them go the first time things feel loose.

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    Chrissy the Conqueror says February 7, 2019

    I wish I had listened to my instincts/feelings in the first month. Was sucked in wanting to believe he was a good person and it was all in my head. Never again! By the way, Kim is laying it out SO WELL that it can’t help but change lives for the better. Lucky I got discarded and found it… his secret girlfriend who he’s had since day one has been in on it for years and is also a sick narc. But now I’m done with them. IT took getting an alarms system and cameras, though, and my online activity is still not safe. Nor my phone

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no-way says October 26, 2018

What if they are covert? You don’t get told to your face how awful they think you are yet they say it to other people to make out they are just tolerating you and the relationship. They do not say to your face but go off and do their own thing and make out that you, their partner are a control freak yet you give them enough rope to hang themselves with…
I thought my relationship was good. He thought it was good too! I paid for everything, put a roof over his head, loved him, gave him children yet he spent the money, had secret lives, went abroad on holiday with other women but told us he had a contract away. Managed to wangle thousands out me to set up a ‘family business’ but in reality he was setting it up with another woman, an ex colleague of his who also happened to rent our old family home from us…
I never knew we had relationship issues. I got frustrated at him not pulling his weight financially but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now I look back I was a mug. He mugged off me. He has no self respect. He’s now engaged to his 12 year junior naive affair partner (not the ex colleague/tenant. I had to tell her about the 28 year old!)
And he’s abandoned his kids… And I suspect him of abusing my daughter…!
He has warped my head!

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Jay says October 25, 2018

This relationship has left me broken and living on the street. Trying to get all I can from your wisdom. Thank you. Jay

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shari prouhet says October 25, 2018

Wow! Such truth. I wish i was younger

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Michel says October 25, 2018

So true. Divorced from one for over 6 years. Allowed him to continue to manipulate for 6 years post divorce thinking I could make him be a part of kids lives. We have all had to go to no contact for the past 4 months. Wish I had done it years ago.

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Darla Bayless says October 25, 2018

Wow! After what I have been through the past couple weeks this got me right between the eyes. I have got to find courage to break away. Thank you Kim!

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Jan says October 25, 2018

Hi Kim, From the bottom of my heart I Thank You so very much for all the enlightenment that Life is indeed beautiful on the other side if we are brave enough and courageous to leave a toxic relationship. Thank you for empowering us women who fought so hard for our loved ones and you have truly understood our situation. Self-love, self-respect above all peace of mind is my top priority right now for the sake of my son. I love you and More Power!

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Mercedes says October 25, 2018

My husband or soon to be had done 7 years of daily hourly damage to myself and my youngest son and he now has custody of our twin daughters for the next year mandated by a judge because I lost my mind and said and did things that were awful in 2 voicemails, I acknowledged those and own them, but how do I get past this now how do I continue to live daily without my girls and restart my life I walked away from that built for 20yrs to come back to nothing and he gloats and snarks because he won and he is the victim but he was arrested I walk through the day like a zombie with my heart aching because my son isn’t getting the best of me I’m not giving myself nor him the best of me and I am so scared of losing them forever because of his antics I am going to therapy I took parenting courses anger management courses, and there is still a void that is so big I just can’t see light how do I change that? I weighed 225lbs in aug I’m now 148lbs and it’s Oct… I’m supposed to make myself better to show this judge that I’m not a crazy but he gave my girls to a monster. How do I cope with that?

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    diane says January 16, 2019

    get a new lawyer and fight for your kids!

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    Niqueser says July 24, 2019

    Hi Mercedes,
    My only advice is to seek God! Seek him wholeheartedly! Learn as much as you can and ask God for strength and wisdom. For courage and knows. For peace and healing…protection from the evil that continues to haunt you! God helped me a few years ago but I have backslided cause my husband is out of jail and won’t get the @&$¥ out of my moms home! God bless you sister and good luck!! You got this! Sorry almost a year late! I hope things got better for ya! I’m curious to know if you don’t mind emailing me! Hope to hear from you…Niqueser from Hilo, Hawaii!

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Jay says October 25, 2018

Thanks…for connecting the dots…(help make sense of this persons treatment toward me.)…I never tried to grow or go any further..once i tasted the abuse.. physically (once)…and verbally for the last 5 yrs after the 2013 domestic abuse….I just let it play out…to see more of what I didn’t want…..until this year of major no contact…wow….did it fr…thank God …moving forward for sure

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Jeffrey W Carroll says October 25, 2018

Thanks…for connecting the dots…(help make sense of this persons treatment toward me.)…I never tried to grow or go any further..once i tasted the abuse.. physically (once)…and verbally for the last 5 yrs after the 2013 domestic abuse….I just let it play out…to see more of what I didn’t want…..until this year of major no contact…wow….did it fr…thank God …moving forward for sure

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Gloria Cantu says October 25, 2018

I have been married to a narcissist for a very long time, so long, that I have had time to discover for myself that he is a narcissist, study the situation and detach emotionally. I really don’t care at all what he says or does. I stay because it is convenient. I really think that at least this narcissist is also codependent. He is incapable of doing many things for himself. And he cannot stand change. Any change. I wonder if he has some kind of autism. He is a post war kid. Second world war. He never speaks about it. I think maybe he had a big trauma at that time. But he has always been responsible to sustain his family.

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Carroll laneulie says October 25, 2018

An amazing truth/insight into the truth of a narcissist..
Thankyou Kim from the bottom of my heart… I am now in the South of France trying so very hard to separate myself from the man I love with all my heart that isn’t really there…so amazingly hard to do…

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Amy says October 25, 2018

Letting go is the hardest part. It seems as though it should be easy, after ALL the mental and emotional abuse. I feel I’m in the witness protection program. I’m hiding so he won’t find me. If he finds out my location, he will come for me. It is sickening. He is sickening. He has accomplished what he set out to do …..destroy me little by little. No job. No home. While he is sitting pretty. I thought of myself as a strong individual and that he would never be able to bring me to my knees. I think he has. I keep wondering… what the hell is wrong with me …do I dare say he has won, oh God I hope not

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    annonomous says September 5, 2019

    i am blown away by your story and so many others! i truly thought I was the only one that this happened to!!
    Like you I have no home and no job.
    im still trying to figure out how im going to survive this!

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Susannah says October 23, 2018

I recently saw my ex at a wedding. For the first time, seeing him did not make me feel angry or sad. I felt almost nothing. I didn’t mind meeting his girlfriend at all. I didn’t even feel tempted to warn her because I knew it’d be pointless. Seeing him did not make me remember all of our years together. In fact, he did not seem familiar at all. When I first met him he had brown curly hair but now he’s bald and without the fake look of love on his face, he really isn’t the same person. I think of all the time grieving our past and our expected future together has finally come to an end. Yes, I am much happier now.

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    suzee says October 25, 2018

    thanks for sharing. how long did it take you to get to this ‘happy place’?
    Thanks!

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      Chrissy the Conqueror says February 7, 2019

      My relief occurred as soon as I got away from him… tho I had regrets for not seeing his machinations earlier. But my PHYSICAL relief started immediately. He would leave me drained for says after spending a wknd with him, now I know why: it was planned (sleep deprivation, gaslighting, etc). But emotionally, the peace I feel now–four months out, and it keeps getting better–is SO RADICALLY DIFFERENT from how I felt with him. He tried to keep me in his thrall by constantly stalking and burgling my home, but even the fear and constant insecurity from that was LIGHT YEARS better than being with him and walking on eggshells/not knowing what he’d do next. And now that I have a security system, I’m so far better off in all areas. Still, the pain I had to put aside to get thru the stalking and fight the home invasions (while I was at work, away, etc) is now coming up. Even though it’s hard, it’s still a walk in the park compared to the darkness I was in before I found out he was a sick triangulating narc and was able to go NC. Very lucky. IF you are lucky enough to be discarded, get down on your knees and thank whatever god you worship/faith you practice, and then pick yourself up and move on in power! Don’t look back 🙂 the future-view is indeed soo beautiful. Thanks, Kim!

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Andorra Rain says October 8, 2018

I’m currently in a relationship with a narcissist. I was looking in the internet what I’m experiencing at the moment because I dont understand anymore and I saw the articles about narcissist and it answer all my questions. I’m so broken and damaged and I don’t know what to do. I committed suicide twice and I was hospitalized few times because I break down and he never learn from it. Im so afraid to talk to him now and I want to leave him but I don’t know why I still love him. Im totally a mess now.

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    diane says January 16, 2019

    you need to get counseling and get away from him!

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Maureen says October 2, 2018

I was with a Vancouver Police officer here in b.c. Canada for 22 plus years. You live a life which is dictated by his job his shifts his time off. You don’t get holidays like Xmas or thanksgiving because he is working. Your entire life is sacrifice after sacrifice. Then he bhomes abusive. Then he insults your family and friends.

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    Laura says October 27, 2018

    That’s how I feel 25 years on and off with the same man I can’t get rid of them and now we have a grandbaby and it’s sacrifice after sacrifice he insults my friends or my family I can’t talk about anything really at all unless it’s about in and do I dare say anything my kids are insulted every time they do something and takes potshots at them indirectly putting me down but also to thank you for posting and sharing

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Kathy says October 1, 2018

Hi Kim,
I have been reading your inspiring advice every day for basically forever or so it feels. I left “HIM” at the beginning of January 2016. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I ran as far as I could as fast as I could. I wanted to write in your comments box so often but just didn’t feel like it. Maybe I don’t want everyone to know my story because it’s like a horror movie. So maybe I’ll comment again sometime.

Love Kathy

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    Kim Saeed says October 3, 2018

    Hi Kathy, I am glad you did the brave thing and left. You deserve to be happy…you can comment here anytime you wish. Sometimes, sharing your story helps you release it so you can move forward.

    Kim XoXo

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    diane says January 16, 2019

    Kathy don’t be afraid to share because we have all been through the “horror story” and can understand and relate to what you went through. So proud of you that you had the courage to leave so now you can heal and move on in your life.

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Anonymous says October 1, 2018

There was a so called astrologer who did negative and dangerous futurepredictions. I had the idea that it was fake. It was only for their image to abuse me and other people as an object to prove themselves. What only serves their purpose. I”ve been warned that it would be a bad boyish person with bad boyisch pranks. It would also be wild west and tumoli and it would be erhical and technical irrisponsible and there was somebody who said that that person would be lifethreatened. He is does future predictions with a fatalistic outcome with dramatic circumstances such as moneyloss and that you can”t pay the bills anymore and chases people in narcissistic realtionships. In stead to prevent this they make it happen that people are getting envolved in this reationships and in the beginning they are putting themsvelves on a pedestal and do as if they think and feel the same but after a while when you give them the benefit of the doubt and trust them they begin to devaluate you and say that you could use your senses and brains better. That you should use your brainpen better and tear you down on your apperance and make up and that you should be unrepresenative. And I had to cope with healthy people and it is as you are deberately seeking unhealthy people which is i think an unconcious process when you attracht unhealthy people. You are not aware where you are dealing with and become a peoplemagnet for abusive and unhealthy persons but did this not intentionally. I can not understand that people are intentionallyseeking for unhealthy people. In the beginning it is invisible and i think selftrust and trust your gut. When it does n”t feel good it is a lie and does it feel good it is the truth. And this was happened repeatedly that i came in hands of an abusive person and also with who are working in professions like a G.P. and therapist and you don”t trust many people anymore. Ans it is as if they feel that and also your weaknesses and when they know and feel that they can take advantage of that. Firm boundaries it”s said but some narcissists have a good insight of the human nature and can take advantage of that. Lonely people and too idealistic people selfsacrificing people people who are too good of trust or whe are naive can be a good candidate for an narcissistic abuser. I wish nobody such a relationship such as the narcissist. People who do that are wrongdoing criminals and can be held responsible for a wrongful act or even maybe a wrongful death. Narcissism is not a joke and everybody deserves protection against dangerous persons like a narcissist can and may even be. They can play their role like a Hollywood actor without to mean it and only what serves their purpose and can be very seducive all the time and after yours they can still hoover to create havoc

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    Kim Saeed says October 3, 2018

    Hi Anon…this guy sounds exactly like a cult leader.

    Kim

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Marie says September 29, 2018

I feel like this article was written about my ex partner. I wasted 10 years of my life going through this cycle. I’ve been free for 3 years although he has still tried. Sending me flowers… I refused to take them from the lovely florist 3 times. It can be done but I know I’m still recovering. But I am free…

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Anonymous says September 29, 2018

I feel like this article was written about my ex partner. I wasted 10 years of my life going through this cycle. I’ve been free for 3 years although he has still tried. Sending me flowers… I refused to take them from the lovely florist 3 times. It can be done but I know I’m still recovering. But I am free…

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    Kim Saeed says October 4, 2018

    You are a strong, courageous soul. Glad to know you are free now.

    Kim XoXo

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Barbara says September 28, 2018

What if the Narc is your 18 year old daughter??

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    Kim Saeed says October 4, 2018

    Hi Barbara,

    It depends on her level of narcissist traits. Many people do low- to no contact with their family members. A tough choice, but sometimes a necessary one.

    Kim

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Leo says September 28, 2018

This never ending seems to me like the worst nightmare. I have learned all about narcissism. I stay away from him for a while but he always returns. I never got a propose for a relationship, for about six years he has been around, coming and going as he pleases leaving me grieving until the next time she shows up. I miss him so much some times. Other times I feel like I am letting it go. I feel trapped.

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    Kim Saeed says September 30, 2018

    Hi Leo,

    Sounds like it’s time to let go. One day, you’ll look back on all the time you’ve wasted on this relationship with deep regret. If you start letting go today, you will thank yourself in three months…and for the rest of your life.

    Kim XoXo

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      Leo says October 1, 2018

      Thank you very much Kim!

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Carol Gorman says September 27, 2018

Monday will be 1 month No Contact.

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    Corinna says September 30, 2018

    Congratulations, Carol! That first month is the hardest. It takes so much strength and every day you maintain NC you prove your worth and strength to yourself. You can do this! You are worth it!! I went NC at the end of January after 26 years living an idealized life, thinking I was adored and in an amazing marriage. When I got sick what followed was 3 years of such intense abuse and insanity I didn’t think I’d survive the shock, loss and grief. This month I turned 55, sold my home and signed the final divorce papers. I have lost everything I knew, had and thought I was, but in it all I am finding me again. I had no idea how much I ignored, explained away and tolerated over the decades until I was nothing but a puddle of worthlessness at the end, sorry to even be alive. What they do is soul murder and we have to save ourselves. I wish you all the very best and hope your journey is as gentle as possible. xox

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      Donna says November 13, 2018

      Sounds exactly like me. My ex was having a 5 year affair but would not admit it to me. Finally when I filed he said he would destroy me and I should think long and hard before making that decision. Now my son is acting like him. So sad but happy to be free of the abuse. Keep moving forward and think of you.

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    Kim Saeed says September 30, 2018

    Yay! So happy for you, Carol. Stay the course. You CAN do this!

    Kim XoXo

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Babs says September 27, 2018

If a co-worker constantly undermines and/or verbally abuses you, please write it down in your personal diary. Submit it to the supervisor/boss as soon as possible to let him/her know what you are being subjected to. I did not and deeply regret it. Of course…the supervisor may also be part of the problem, so in that case write a ‘pre-script’ before talking to them.

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