Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

7 Signs You’re Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

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Narcissistic abuse recovery and healing from emotional abuse can seem like an ordeal of the most grievous kind.

You may have endured months of struggle and suffering without knowing if you’re making any progress because the pull to go back remains strong.  You miss the moments under your abuser’s sway because, in your traumatized mind, cognitive dissonance and memories of so-called “good times” cloud your objectivity.

How do you know where you stand on your road to recovery?  Victory isn’t always in-your-face.  Narcissistic abuse recovery comes in waves, even ripples, but if you experience the following seven signs, you can feel gratified knowing that healing is within your reach. 

(Read the transcript below or watch the video)

Seven Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

1. You’ve begun to appreciate that self-care is something you need to participate in consistently.

Not only because you are healing from emotional abuse, but because healthy people, in general, understand the importance of putting on their oxygen mask before they can help others.

Life can be stressful enough without the added obstacle of toxic abuse.  It only stands to reason that if your goal is narcissistic abuse recovery, your body and mind require extreme self-care.  This might include reducing social engagements, staying off of the internet, saying “no” to friends and family, taking a nap when you feel exhausted, and making time to do meditations.

You resist the urge to make excuses as to why you can’t take care of yourself, realizing that even single mothers can work self-care into their schedules.  If you are a single mother, you deliberately get a babysitter on occasion to take yourself out. 

You do guided meditations at night.  You journal and do mirror work.  If a friend asks you to visit and you don’t have the energy, you respectfully decline.  You take the initiative to be a little “selfish”, because you understand the need to do so after putting out other people’s fires for too long.

Just as important, you understand that hopping on the forums where no one is progressing or moving forward in any meaningful way is keeping you STUCK.  You vow to unjoin all the unhelpful groups and Facebook forums so you can feed your mind what it needs in order to heal.

2. You do what it takes to protect your mental and physical space.

You no longer acquiesce to things that intrude on your privacy and peace of mind.

Most narcissists and other Cluster-B disordered individuals pull out all the stops when trying to hook a previous source of supply back into their realm of crazy.  They pretend to have changed, to want to be friends (especially for the “sake of the kids”), to be just another normal person going through a typical breakup or divorce.  They may go so far as to tell you their relationship problems with their new partner.

Arriving as a survivor means you no longer want, nor tolerate, any of those things.  You want peace and autonomy so badly that you are willing to go complete No Contact and resolve not to let them into your home anymore.  You don’t leave yourself open to any of their tomfoolery and, instead, put up all necessary boundaries to protect your new sense of peace.

At some glorious point, you become protective of your healing space.  Instead of feeling glad when the narcissist tries to hoover you, you feel nervous about protecting yourself…because you no longer want the narcissist to play their hoovering games.  

You have come to realize just how powerful you are. You were powerful enough to get out of the relationship. You were powerful enough to get help to work through your feelings of self-doubt and tattered self-confidence.

And you have the power now to stand behind your boundary lines and keep the narcissist as far away from you as possible. 

3.  You no longer care about how the narcissist will react to your decisions.

You don’t worry whether your life choices will make the narcissist angry or make life “inconvenient” for them.  You understand that true fulfillment means honoring your own dreams, desires, and ambitions regardless of how your ex may respond.  As long as you abide by any court orders in place, you know that your future is in your own hands.

According to Bronnie Ware, a hospice nurse who’s listened to thousands of patients reckon with the inevitable end of life, there’s one regret that is more frequent than all the others and it isn’t what you expect – living your life according to others’ expectations rather than your own true desires.

“This was the most common regret of all,” she says. “When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.”

True narcissistic abuse recovery means that you have put your own mental and physical well-being above the narcissist’s because you’ve already sacrificed enough for them, all to no avail.  

4.  You may start to notice that some of your other relationships have been a big energy and time drain, and you resolve to do something about them.

You’ve gotten into the habit of honoring yourself and releasing that which doesn’t serve your highest good.  Consequently, you’ve become more sensitive to other relationships in which you feel taken advantage of.  This doesn’t mean that you would dump a friend in need, but rather that you’ve started noticing your relationship ‘climates’.  

There is an African, humanist philosophy called Ubuntu. At its most basic, it states that:  ‘A person is a person through other people’. Who you choose to associate with will have an influence on who you are. This means that surrounding yourself with narcissists, manipulators, and abusers will lead to deep unhappiness.

If you’re a fundamentally decent and good person, you will most likely hope and believe that people can change, but long-term change is not possible with narcissists. You have accepted this after reaching a point where you recognized the need to cut your losses and admit that your relationship was permanently toxic.

Knowing when to do this requires well-developed intuitive powers. In the same way that a long-term weather pattern creates a climate in a particular region, if the climate of any of your relationships has proven – over time – that you typically feel put upon and used, then those are the ones that you now consider releasing.

5.  You’re more concerned about what you’re doing with your life than what the narcissist is doing with theirs.

You no longer obsess about the narcissist with their new supply or the fact that they seem so happy because you’ve come to understand that the narcissist is destined to repeat the same cycle of abuse with anyone they are with at any given time.

The narcissist is a skilled and convincing actor.  After all, they fooled you into believing that you were the love of their life, perhaps even their past lives.  How long were they able to keep up the charade?  Months?  Possibly years?

Then, after their mask started slipping, they likely expected you to keep up appearances in front of everyone.  Still yet, when you discovered their lies, online dating profiles, and infidelities, they convinced you that they had reasonable justifications for it all.  That somehow, in spite of their love crimes, they still wanted you and were in love with you.

And so it will be with the new person.  You understand and accept this and spend very little time thinking about it. 

6.  You no longer focus on problems, but on solutions.

You realize that you have the power to conquer and change your circumstances, rather than remain defenseless against whatever stunts your Ex might be playing.

You understand that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  If you need to delete an email you’ve had for years because your Ex emails you from different accounts, you delete it.  If you need to file a restraining order because your Ex is stalking and harassing you, you drive to the courthouse and file it.  If you see the need to change your cell phone number and insist that they call you on your landline, you do so.  If your Ex sends you unwanted gifts and flowers, you mark them “return to sender” or refuse the delivery. 

You know the rules regarding ‘How to Deal With a Narcissist‘ and you follow them without looking for loopholes as to why you can’t.  You fight the good fight to protect your newfound freedom.

7.  You no longer consider what happened to you a punishment, but rather an eye-opener because you understand that it happened so you could heal the wounds you’ve carried since childhood.

You’ve arrived as a survivor from narcissistic abuse because you no longer look to your Ex for approval or appreciation, knowing that even the appearance of those things comes with a high price.  You accept that there are people whose behavior is disturbingly damaging, but you no longer open yourself up to it.   Instead, you respond appropriately, with full awareness of why it’s necessary to do so.

You’ve arrived as a survivor because you no longer tolerate anything that discounts your value – from anyone – for you’ve become your own best friend and advocate.

If you feel miserable and trapped in your relationship, that’s a problem that likely won’t improve on its own.  Join the many wonderful folks in The Essential Break Free Bootcamp who have finally found freedom, are healing their own lives, and are joyfully experiencing the seven signs of narcissistic abuse recovery.

If you’ve just found this site and are ready to begin your first steps to freedom, download your beginner’s healing roadmap below!  You get everything you need to start your healing journey.  It’s free!

Copyright © 2019 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

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john johnstone says September 3, 2022

I Don’t Really Know What Happened I’m Still Studying. But The Quickest Glance Of History Would Refute Your Right To Be So Naive And Taken By surprise. Man’s Inhumanity To Man Is Well Documented. I Think I Was Asleep And Needed A Brutal Wake Up Call. It Worked No More Sleeping In The Classroom Of Life. But I’m Still In A Bit Of A Stupor. It’s Like Waking Up At The End Of A Movie. You Know Some Story Played Out But You Don’t Really Know Who Did What Or Why How It All Ended. No Details. Going To Have Be A Forensic Person In My Own Life.

Hemat Moustafa says October 1, 2021

Great article as usual ..
Keep up the good , informative and lightening work ..

Anonymous says September 30, 2021

I guess this means that I’m healing. I feel all 7 of these. I’m still struggling thinking about the “good times” sometimes, but it’s getting less and less.

Richelle Valdez says September 30, 2021

This was the BEST article and simplest way to concisely convey some very important and on point measurement of healing

SUE says April 9, 2020

Excellent article! No contact anymore but it took a long time to detach and untangle myself.

Rosemarie says August 13, 2019

Your emails are informative and you extremely helpful. Thank you

George Anthony says April 12, 2018

After the court case where she made it look like i was the abuser, i walked away to start my recovery, i only allowed the case to go to court so i could tell the judge my side of the story because she never told those lies to people that knew us well enough to see she was lying, the judge said he was going to grant her the order but most importantly he said even though he is giving her the eviction order it didn’t mean he believed her, that’s all i wanted was for a judge to see she was lying, that was the start of my recovery i was accused of a lot but with no detail so i answered everything in great detail knowing that the judge would see through her lies if i told the truth,within 2 weeks of leaving i put on 6kgs and was eating normally again my sleep improved and my ME symptoms have gone into remission and i haven’t taken any pain killers since i moved the non molestation order was a god send and there was no way i was going to fight it because it is my protection, and i think the judge felt the same way, looking back i was the victim and acted as such, i only understood that in court because i would not even look at her, and couldn’t wait to get away from her, she was trying to keep a connection by not Unfriending me on face book but i blocked her from my phone and i used my sisters address for mail forwarding, funny thing is i only live a mile and a half away and i have to sign on in the next street from her house but there is no way she knows where i am and i haven’t been happier, the only thing i feel for her is pity as she is one damaged and twisted woman, when leaving such a person i would advise counselling ASAP i can relate to all the above points but the one thing she could not do is convince me that there was something wrong with me because i know myself very well and i believe that is what saved me mentally.

Margaret says April 12, 2018

My turning point in recovery has been the realisation that this man came into my life to show me the wounds that needed to be healed from my childhood. InwakjI away after constantly returning to him through his oromises and lies. I realised he is a wounded soul and was using me and mirrored all my best traits making himself out to be the better person. I am free and happy and recovering slowly.

Anonymous says February 2, 2018

I just recently ended an engagement with a N. We settled on a date that was going to be our 1yr anniversary…(proposed to me after 8months). Thank goodness cohabitation took place 1st after the proposal. That is when his true colors shined the brightest & where my blinders were removed! Now he has started with the constant texting (to the point of threats) and calling. I have not answered any phone calls or replied to any messages. I immediately contacted my local C.O.P. & signed a restraining order of protection. I have contacted his local C.O.P & County Sheriff, for they both are very aware of him & his colorful past. (Have a BOLO out on him right now). So with strong faith & good judgement, I am living life for me!! I am not focusing on him any more but rather redirecting & retraining my own mind to full fill my dreams & ambitions.

Wendy says January 27, 2018

Wow, my story and you are exactly the same, I FINALLY feel I can am strong enough to break free for the LAST time and it feels sooooo good! Staying strong! 🙂

Wendy says January 27, 2018

Your story is exactly what I will be s afraid of when I start dating again…I guess it is the whole trust thing and not wanting to go through getting away from another N…I pray I find someone who is just a normal loving human being!!

Wendy says January 27, 2018

Thank you for your thoughts, I am in the same position with my N, recently going through my LAST breakup.. This one he upped the Annie with a beautiful 2 carat engagement ring and all the promises I always wanted to hear!! Yes I fell for it, but of course the engagement lasted exactly 1 month!! I am such a strong woman that I didn’t put up with his tactics long, but I just kept going back, therefore I have recognized this is where I had to work on me and being honest with myself!! I am finally there and can’t wait to move forward, no matter what he throws at me in the future, I DESERVE better.. We girls have to stay strong!! 🙂 Best of luck.

Sally Karpe says January 10, 2018

My turning point in recovery has been the realisation that this man came into my life to show me the wounds that needed to be healed from my childhood.

Part 3: Nina's Story – "Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke." – Benjamin Disraeli | Love. Life. Om. Mindfulness Coaching says November 1, 2017

[…] done. Consequently, I found knowing where I was in my healing was a challenge. That’s why I like this blog post by Kim Saeed, as it provides seven signs indicating you have […]

nikki spencer says January 12, 2016

It’d been over three years now me and the narcissist have been separated . His abuse was a lesson I never knew I needed to learn from. He didn’t care then about me and our kids and he never will. I accepted this time ago. Right now I’m getting the silent treatment from him, for what reason I don’t know yet were Christmas shopping for kids 3 weeks ago. I cba with this kind of Co parenting relationship with him it doesn’t work for our kids, they constantly get angry, frustrated and upset when the ex ignores them. The way my ex behaves affects every aspect of our kids lives …to be quite truthful the kids thrived when their dad went awol for 2 years. What now?

    Kim Saeed says January 13, 2016

    Nikki, that would depend on what kind of custody arrangement you have with him. But, based on your comment, I would definitely recommend no more joint outings “for the kids’ sake” for shopping or any other reason. I would also suggest a very strict form of modified contact because all of your efforts to be civil and decent will never be appreciated and will keep you and your children frustrated. There’s a very good reason why they thrived when their dad was out of their lives for two years. I would try to imitate that period as closely as possible, beginning with blocking him from all but one line of communication.

Mary says August 11, 2015

I have just discovered your blog, Kim, and I think you are just spot-on on so many things! However, I’ve been looking through it and I’m not sure whether you have addressed something that at this time, six years post-breakup, is still worrying me: Does it EVER end?

I was in an on-again off-again relationship with a narcissistic man for nearly five years (no marriage, no children), and when I finally pulled the wool from my eyes and realised what I had got myself into, and what it was doing to me, I broke up with him for good and went radically No Contact. His behaviour then was that of a by-the-book narc. At first he went crazy and started a s***storm of phone calls, e-mails, texts and what have you… he was in turn somewhat apologetic, insulting, despondent, nonchalant, loving… you get the picture. This went on for almost a year, and when I did not respond, he moved on to the next phase of stalking, at my workplace and at my home. I spoke to the police and lawyers, and let it be known on the grapevine that I was on the verge of filing a report. I guess someone told him, because then he apparently stopped the stalking and the texts etc. started only coming like once a month, then once every three months, then longer… good long whiles betwee each hoovering attempt.

All this was over five years ago. I have been No Contact for six years! I blocked him everywhere, dropped shared acquaintances, worked through my issues with therapy, relied on friends and colleagues for support, and moved on successfully, so much so that I am currently married and had a baby two months ago. I thought the passage of time, my continued, unbroken No Contact, and sheer boredom would make him finally stop all attempts at contacting me, but infuriatingly, this is not happening: he has still kept up the drip-drip of occasional text messages. However, most recently, his behaviour flared up and he started calling us on our landline, the only channel I cannot really block him from. I answered the phone the first time, as I did not recognise the number, so he knows I live here, but I hung up as soon as I recognised his voice; he only got to say “Hallo, M.” He then kept calling and calling, although I did not pick up. This was ten days ago, and he’s still ringing up every couple of days. We have identified the number and don’t answer it, but It’s making me crazy that I cannot stop this invasion of my home space even though I’ve done everything I should and moved on. I want him out of my life!

It’s been SIX BLOOMING YEARS of No Contact. What else does it take? Will I EVER be rid of him? Does the narcissist ever go away? EVER?

    Kim Saeed says August 11, 2015

    Hi Mary, thank you for reaching out. A few questions – how is he texting you now? It may be necessary to change your phone number, both cell and landline. I had to change my own about 4 times before I finally ended up getting a restraining order against my Ex.

    The best advice I can give is to document every single call and attempt he makes to contact you – whether by cell, landline, and/or at-home visits. Contact an attorney and be on stand-by so that you can file a restraining order if necessary. It’s the only way I was able to force my Ex to leave me alone. You may be required to show that since his behaviors are escalating that you fear for your safety.

    You may also want to have your landline changed to an unpublished number.

    Some people have actually picked up and moved a few states away when law enforcement wasn’t helpful. I know it’s highly inconvenient, but it has helped others get the peace and quiet they want and deserve.

    I wish I had a simpler answer, but these people make life anything but simple. Wishing you all the very best.

      [email protected] says January 27, 2018

      Wow, this is the exact thing I’ve been going through but maybe not quite as long. I just broke up with my nar once again and this is the final time, but I’m dreading the stalking, he always goes to that tactic. I do the whole non-contact thing but he usually ends up at my work, I will probably have to file a restraining order at some point, I hate to do it but at this point I will if I have to, there will be gifts, crying, begging, but I have healed and will continue to move forward I just hope I’m not going to have to do it for years, I wish Mary all the luck in the world, stay strong girl!

Anonymous says August 9, 2015

What a great article, Kim! It makes me realize I have made a lot of progress and that feels good. Not to say that I don’t get tripped up now and then, but I’ve come a long way and am now valuing myself, my space, my feelings and my time and energy and making them a priority over Narcissists who would try to slither into my life. Thank you, Kim!! 🙂

Lauren C says August 7, 2015

I was a victim of narcissistic abuse for a little over 2 years. I’d known for a while something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t “fix” it. Why couldn’t I leave this terrible relationship? How could this person who claims to love me do these things to me? About a year ago, I learned about codependency and started working on myself, starting to see things more for what they really were. But still I couldn’t manage to break free. I made the decision finally this past March to end the relationship once & for all. I didn’t know what “no contact” was at this point, so basically what I was doing was “no response,” which wasn’t always successful. I’ve only seen the N twice since March, but I was allowing him to contact me. I discovered I was suffering from NAS after listening to a podcast interview with Kim on Codependency No More, which I subscribe to, and I made the commitment to go NO CONTACT. I’ve been 100% NO CONTACT for 1 month today. I still struggle with codependent thoughts, behaviors and symptoms of PTSD, but I am actively working on it. Having him out of my life is the best thing I could possibly do for myself, and the healing will come, even if slowly. I am very grateful for this blog and other online resources geared towards helping survivors of narcissistic and emotional/physical abuse. One day at a time.

gail says July 26, 2015

Wish there was no contact for me as we shared the kids equally. My daughter who is 13 years just have been diagnosed with juvenile arthritis, I have been trying to talk to him about the cause and how to help her eg diet/stress etc. He is playing games with me by twisting words and at time like this, it is quite challenging and only made me worry more about her. Yes they never do change even on children’s health too!! The doctor at hospital is also narcissistic and I have been trying to change doctor too! Interesting read, thanks.

    Kim Saeed says August 4, 2015

    Thank you, Gail, for your kind praise regarding my article.

    It may be a good idea to set up an appointment for your daughter to see a child therapist, too. Do whatever you feel driven to do regarding your daughter’s health, both physical and psychological.

    Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

mystraightjourney says July 16, 2015

Reblogged this on mystraightjourney.

Maria says July 15, 2015

This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I recently have been asking myself ” Am I actually better and happy now?” It was hard for me to understand where I felt in my recovery. I no longer think of him as much, I no longer feel the urge to hear from him and only communicate with him as it regards to our 18 month old son. However, from time to time, if I sit here and think about the fact that I was engaged to be married to this man and we shared a home together, it brings back a little ache in my heart. But, I also recognize and love my new me! I am way stronger than I’ve ever been before and I now know what I truly want in a companion. As I kept wondering about how good I felt, how much I’ve been smiling lately and enjoying my job and exercising and enjoying the silly things that my toddler does, I get a text from my ex narc asking if he can take me out. I couldn’t understand why all of a suddent, he’s reaching out and pursuing me again. But then, I remember a post from Kim saying they know exactly when to come back and try to get us again, as soon as they know that they have something to gain from us again, as soon as they feel that we can be good supply again, they want try to come back. This is the time where I am actually being tested on my strong I can maintain my boundaries with him. However, it is bittersweet to see his attempt at pursuing me again because it just validates the fact that I am truly better and I am truly happy for the first time in a long time.

    Suzanne Spiers says July 15, 2015

    I am glad that you recognise that he is hoovering you and if you let him in, not only will he revert to form as soon as the ‘honeymoon’ period is over. They never change; ever!

    Just keep going the way that you are. Once we have already removed them or they have removed themselves from our lives, the abuse simply gets quicker and more volatile than before and then we have to undergo the grief process all over again.

    You are being tested and you can do NC. Your life has gone on peacefully for the duration of his absence apart from you feeling the grief. Best to leave him where he is and work out what in you, if anything, might be wanting him back. You may have progressed further than this in your healing, but in case there is anything in you that is still vulnerable, err on the side of caution.

      Maria says July 17, 2015

      Thank you Suzanne! You are 100% correct that now is the time I need to stay strong and make sure I don’t let him back in. I will continue moving forward in my recovery.

Disillusioned says July 15, 2015

I just needed to share. I decided really stupidly to try and talk to my ex at work, I had a legitimate work question and he would have been best placed to answer it. Instead he accused me of sexual assault, he called his new woman who works in another building who accused me of physically assaulting him (again) and she threatened me by shaking fist in my face and telling me police would come to my office and home (they haven’t arrived hours later) – It’s the worst thing I ever experienced. This is smear campaign type stuff isn’t it? I regret knocking his office door, had never expected this to happen. It would seem that finding out about him has caused a real rage and vicious lies. I feel incredibly intimidated, I have been looking for new work but it takes time had stupidly thought a civil work conversation would clear the air until I manage to leave. Accusations and threats I had never ever expected. How do you get through this type of stuff?

    Suzanne Spiers says July 15, 2015

    Hi Disillusioned, I am so sorry that you have had this negative experience. I am wondering what made you think that the N would not find some way to act abusively and dishonestly as he has shown here by his actions.

    Guess that sometimes we do think they can act and say things reasonably and only as we continue to heal and we stay NC and stick to it, do we realise that they never change and do not care about us. All we are to them is supply and they do not see us as human beings who should be treated with care and respect.

      Disillusioned says July 17, 2015

      I too wonder what I was thinking… I just thought he would be helpful and nice. At least I’ve found out the lies he has told about me to the new woman but in process I’ve placed myself in vulnerable position at work. I can’t believe the man I loved could tell such vicious malicious lies about me. Anyway I will now completely avoid him. I have an interview for another job next week 500 miles away so hopefully I will be able to get completely away from the situation as seeing him around work with or without the new supply is something I really can’t seem to cope with. My emotional vulnerability needs to be strengthened and I don’t know how to do that seeing him and now knowing what lies he is telling about me. I hope to get to the inspiring place of recovery people write about here and the place of strength to just not care about what has happened.

Bsmithbflo says July 14, 2015

last night was THE night.

I cut the cord and went NO CONTACT.

Today I felt the best I’ve felt in months… Clarity, low anxiety, no obsession over what he’s doing….

I thank all of you….

    Jade says July 11, 2017

    It feels great! That’s when you know you are on the right road, because you are that point of feeling relief, clarity, strength ? Great, great article Kim, thank you so much xXx

Teresa says July 14, 2015

Oh AMEN Sister!!!

WOW! Thank you!!! I am HEALING!!! I didn’t realize it!!!


Anonymous says July 14, 2015

Oh AMEN Sister!!!

WOW! Thank you!!! I am HEALING!!! I didn’t realize it!!!


    Kim Saeed says July 17, 2015

    You’re very welcome, Anon! <3

KtKat says July 14, 2015

Reblogged this on The House of Hale and commented:
Yes to all of these things, and once you get there it is the most glorious feeling in the world.

Chris says July 14, 2015

I would like to point out that the “guided meditation” recommended in #1 is not something that a Christian would or should do. It is an Eastern-style practice that opens a person up to demonic influence. Nor should meditation be practiced, in the sense of emptying the mind of everything, as that has the same effect.

Meditation as stated in the Bible is used in the sense of meditation on the Word of God, or thinking about the Word of God; not emptying the mind nor using guided meditation.

God is the most healing person you can turn to, to heal you from abuse and all other damage wrought to you in life.

And Jesus saves us from ourselves, our own sinfulness, which the end point is death. He not only gives life, He IS life, He is the light, He is the way, and the ONLY way.

Matt. 11:30 – “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

God bless and help everyone here and everyone going through the terrible situation of abuse.

    Jen B. says January 5, 2016

    I’m really surprised that Kim wants to let a comment that condemns meditation and the people who do it stand on this page. Chris, your beliefs are your own. I’m a Christian and I disagree with you utterly about meditation – it saved my life. My view of God is far less static than yours. I think people who hold to a law-based, fundamentalist view of God are actually submitting themselves to the ultimate narcissistic relationship. Frankly, a God who is supposed to love me but doesn’t want me to use every tool at my disposal to make myself whole is a God I would rather abandon than worship. Fortunately, I don’t believe that! I am where Kim talks about in this article largely because of research, confronting my damaged inner child (which remains an ongoing process, but I will never allow a person who acts like my ex did to be or stay in my life. I just don’t need the shallow garbage they’re offering that badly.), and meditation which has saved my body and mind. Nobody needs someone else’s religious guilt trips getting the way of their healing. That you even said that seems like kind of a mind game to me that you’re either doing on yourself or doing on everyone else (or both).

      Kim Saeed says January 5, 2016

      Hi Jen, thank you for stopping by and sharing your good opinion. Honestly, I never saw the comment condemning guided meditation, but perhaps it works out better this way because I like your response and it gives me the chance to say something about my own beliefs, as well. I believe in God, but I no longer follow organized religion. The God I grew up with in my childhood Churches made me feel guilty all of my life and the common theme was that there was nothing I could do to be worthy. I don’t believe in that. I think religion has been used to control and oppress us throughout the generations, and so as part of my transformation, I now believe in God our Creator and know He or She loves us and wants the best for all of us. I still believe in the 10 Commandments as general rules for having good morals, but I don’t think we sin at every turn as I was taught as a child and young adult. Regarding guided meditation, it saved me, too. Someone who has been traumatized needs very real help in rewriting the negative and limiting narrative scripts they’ve learned and made a part of their belief system about themselves. I believe in them wholeheartedly and recommend them to everyone, and I’m glad to know they helped you, too, Jen. The person who left the comment has the right to their own opinion, but we definitely don’t have to agree. Thank you again for sharing your own views, Jen <3

dfillman417 says July 14, 2015

I HAVE ARRIVED! Oh it feels so damn good! Thank you Kim!!!! Shared this with my MeetUp group.

coba5656 says July 14, 2015

Thank you Kim! I can go through this list and make check marks on several of the them, and realize that I do have more to accomplish but I HAVE made progress…..:)

    Kim Saeed says July 14, 2015

    That’s wonderful news, coba5656! Congrats! 🙂

newmeandfree says July 14, 2015

The tail end of my surviving journey:….

I have executed NC from my ex fiancée for almost 7 months now. I can honestly say that the full reparation and educational benefit in action occurred about two months ago. I confronted ALL of my childhood wounds and healed them all. I removed the toxic people from my life. I have healthy boundaries with others. I am more free than I ever could have been before this nightmare. I worked hard to get here, and no one will ever bring me down from this enlightened place that I stand now.

I sit here during the final days before what was to be our wedding day in positive contemplation. I sit in awe and humble recognition of my achievements to this point. I thought that I would have needed to be with others for moral support on that coming wedding day to keep me from sorrow – that thought was a very long time ago. I chuckle at how emotionally insignificant it is to me now.

I am happy to report that I almost forgot that it was coming up and could care less if I had company that day.

In fact, it has been made into a day for celebration, and I am the guest of honour. I couldn’t have asked for a higher recognition. I am thrilled to be a part of this event. I was allowed to give this day of celebration a title….I call it the, “Thank God I’m not getting married to him today” Party.

We all had a little laugh when someone said, “If he knew about this, he’d say: “Wow, she just can’t stop thinking about me, can she? Having a party in my name after all this time….I know she misses the best thing that ever happened to her…that’s sad….”

We all began to cry…..

Isn’t it amazing how laughing so incredibly hard brings tears to your eyes?

Thank you to whatever force or chance or whatever you want to name it that held my head down in a toilet of water to drown me.
It wasn’t very pleasant at the time, but I discovered the greatest understanding and awareness of my entire life with that action.

I learned that in order not to drown, all I had to do was flush the damn toilet.


The water always comes back though – you do know that, right?

It’s just so pretty looking at a clean toilet, that you linger for awhile to enjoy the sight….it’s almost eerie how you look at the fresh water coming back in that seems to be clean… clean in fact, that you think it’s perfectly safe to keep your head in the toilet.

There was one more thing I had to learn after flushing the toilet………

Take your damn head out of there before the tank refills!
It may look like clean water – but don’t forget that you just flushed your “S***” down there…………….

Peace out. Happy toilet flushing all!!
(handle located by extending left hand in front of you and to the left. Pull down. Remove head.)

    Kim Saeed says July 14, 2015

    LOVE IT! Thank you for sharing your very enlightening, motivating, and (humorous) experience! You’ve truly given me a good laugh, and a wonderful start to my day knowing how far you’ve come along <3

      newmeandfree says July 14, 2015

      Kim – I’ve been through my ups and downs – I had to leave this site for awhile and stop posting. I did what I had to do and now I am standing free from those chains on the other side. This site was instrumental to my healing. At times it perpetuated my insanity of reading and looking things up, but it was all necessary for ME to heal.
      Good luck everyone.
      Success story here.
      I thought many times that I wouldn’t pull through, but I did it MY WAY.
      You were all with me the whole way. Take me with you now if you need to finish your story. I’m here on the other side with rainbows, unicorns and butterflies and lots and lots of hugs and laughter.

      I’m waiting. For all of you.
      That makes me happy, because I know you are coming to meet me.
      See you soon : )

    rainy says July 14, 2015

    Great post and analogy, would like to share with a wounded friend, thank you.

Brenda says July 14, 2015

Stronger *

Brenda says July 14, 2015

I’m 8 months out of this twisted love I feel for this man who broke my entire soul. I needed this today as I was just a finger tap away from sending him a message. I’m so very sad to feel that I meant nothing to him. I struggle with understanding why I felt that he did love me and would tell me everyday even when he was with another. :'( I composed a poem to him but will not ever send it. I am growing and I am getting so hard to work on myself I am suffering from the cycle of ptsd! It’s a very strange place. A first for me for sure!

Robyn Derego says July 14, 2015

I really want to say thank you for your posts ! It’s only though your website that I have learned a great amount of knowledge I have learned that’s it’s about them an not me ! I learned about mediation o am every so grateful to you for all your research and support though this very tough season in my life! Again thank you for sharing your experience with us !! I am for ever great full !! Much Aloha Robyn

Sent from my iPhone


    Kim Saeed says July 17, 2015

    Thank you so much for your kind words, Robyn! Wishing you all the best in your healing journey <3

Water Girl NZ says July 14, 2015

My narc isn’t my partner. It’s actually my SIL. Everything you described in your post was the same though. ? When I clicked on the link for the Facebook group, nothing happened. Could you please provide the URL?

Jenny says July 14, 2015

Once again an email has arrived as I reach another point in recovery..
I recently had a relationship with a new man who is keener than I am. I’ve ended it now for both our sakes but esp his because watching him practically hang around waiting for me to call him Etc showed to me how I was with the ex narc . But instead of being like a narc and using him I did the ‘ normal’ thing and ended the relationship. This man loves me but I do not feel the same way. Knowing that the narc never loved me and yet kept me fills me with horror. I watched my new man try so hard to keep me and know that that is how I felt about the narc. It’s dreadful. So I had to end this new relationship before he got hurt too much. It is like I had a glimpse through the narcs eyes at myself . An amazing lesson

    Robbie R says October 8, 2015

    That’s crazy! I am in a similar relationship now. I had the same experience as you. Dated a N, got hurt very badly. Now I’m dating a truly nice, thoughtful, loving person. But at times I feel like I don’t like her as much as she likes me and tried ending it once, but she wants to stay w me. So we are back @ it and doing fine. Not sure she’s my “forever” girl but we certainly get along and have fun. Strange though that I thought the same as you did. Thought that she was acting towards me, like I was towards my ex N. I didn’t like feeling like I had the “upper hand” or control in the relationship. Strange. I wonder if this is some post-Narc victim behavior that is common or just coincidence?

      Anonymous says January 26, 2016

      Be careful they are not another narc. That’s what happened to me. I was dating this guy and he was perfect and seemed so pathetic and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I ended it. Wound up together a year later through mutual friends and things were great for two years. Until I disagreed with him. Then full on Narc came out just like my ex.

lynettedavis says July 14, 2015

#2 is spot on.

Shiboriii says July 14, 2015

Reblogged this on Healing my codependency and regaining my life ! and commented:
Think I am doing good !!!

christinechisari03 says July 14, 2015

When I realized #7 I felt so empowered! Great post

Remembertoforget says July 13, 2015


Thank you so much Kim!

    Anonymous says July 14, 2015

    Thank you so much Kim. This couldn’t have been more timely for me.

    I was just relaxing laying on the couch just a few moments ago and thought to myself. I’m not thinking about him or craving him or not finding the right time to open his emails. Ihsvent opened them. I’ve been telling myself I don’t need to know what’s in them. To mind my own business and get on with ME!

    I wAs just thinking .. What’s going on.,. Am I getting better… Shouldn’t I be thinking about him and my replacement.., but then I realized I really don’t care anymore. She can have him. Obviously he’s already cheating on her. Reminding myself he’s no where good enough for me.. He’s scum..stole my inheritance when I trusted him to take care of it for me , no… Sorry for you … You are fading hard from my mind…. Becoming invisible…. Lol man of my dreams.
    How blind of me.

    THIS INDEED HAS BEEN A HUGE LEARNING LESSON FOR ME … YOURE SO RIGHT KIM … AND IM 58! I know I’ve changed but I like the new smarter me ! Without thinking .. I catch myself putting up barriers etc like I didn’t before.

    So I just picked up my phone to read check my emails and there is your message.!

    Yes.. I have those signs..
    I have found I have more time in mind now..
    It’s not clustered with and I have stuff to do and he is no longer blocking my way through.

    I think I just got to THIS point about one week ago…. After months and months of struggling and heartbroken.
    I’m starting to feel human and
    Outta the fog. Clearer mind.

    Thank you for all your writings.
    I look forward to them all the time.

      Kim Saeed says July 17, 2015

      Thank you for your heart-warming comment, Anon. I am so glad to know you’re healing and thriving <3

Joan G. Connor says July 14, 2015

This is so true and encouraging. I have come so far. This is so hard when you truly loved this person and feel guilty for some of the thing you did and said during the marriage. Soon I will forget the good times and remember how he drove me to want to take my own life. Thanks to the support of friends and family, he will never have that power over me again. I am becoming the strong person I once was and I am prepared to be alone for the rest of my life if that is how I end up. I will always have the love of friends, children, grandchildren and my dog so I will be fine. Thank you.

danquality says July 14, 2015

Nice 🙂

betternotbroken says July 14, 2015

LOVE this, again another brilliant helpful post. Thank you.

Suzanne Spiers says July 13, 2015

Finally, after doing a lot of inner work on me, this 3.5 relationship is well and truly over, the VRO is in place and permanent for 2 years from June 2015 and my home and life is once again ordered and peaceful..

I do not know where the N is, what he is doing; in fact I also do not care since he is now ‘Someone that I used to know’. Remember that song!

It took quite a long time to deal with the dissonance and reasons for keeping him in my life, and to unearth and heal via energetic healing, the reasons for having attracted him in the first place.

Although I did sustain some financial damage; not a lot thank goodness; but enough damage to property and financially related situations, for it to have mattered and to want it to stop for good.

Unfortunately with this sort of person, they do pop up from time to time to hoover, but always revert to form.

I do not think about him and am enjoying continuing to create what was already a very good life before he came into it. I am also very grateful because I now am a lot more healed, can set solid and strong boundaries and can see these types coming from a mile away.

Getting them out of your life is the only way to have a peaceful and drama-free existence. No Contact is the way to go and truly, I am a new person because of that relationship, so I guess that I will look at the ‘small’ amount of financial and material damage as payment for therapy that has set me free.

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