This is really helpful thank you

Everything it says about a narcissist is so true I was with one for 15 years at first they can be very charming and so much fun to be there after that it’s down here they’re cheaters liars all the above never goes away even after they leave it never goes away and you’re left with nothing lost your whole family haven’t seen in years if I knew what I know now I would have never gone with him and now I’m here all along with nothing not even one friend was it worth it NO!!!!!!

First of all so sorry Kim for what you had to hear and see. Love to you. After a year of meds research my head is more open and making sense because my mind is open and I don’t hide even if it hurts. When this is done you face up to reality. This massively helps you to see that certain people behave disgusting and it is not your fault. I would be a take in feel sorry for nasty people could not see the big picture but horrid people can b e complex. The good thing is boy do I see through selfish behaviour now and won’t fall for pity play anymore. I also know to take responsibility which I have and do even if it hurts. Good for you Kim and others. Have a lovely Christmas to you and all others.xxx

more likely to visualize a better future for themselves and the people they love and study ways in which they can improve their lives and relationships. This was is my husband and i we found that sons partner just took advantage and eventually painfully I woke up to this. Our daughter is still being treated badly but keeps trying hoping for a different result. Its up to her with the relationship with her brother I wont stand in her way but it hurts to see how her brother and partner are treating her. Golden child no I brought up both our children equal but can honestly say their personalities right from toddlers were different one shared freely the other did not but i tried to show examples to them. So difficult when our son moved in with two people who were greedy by then our son was an adult so we cant treat him like a baby he chooses his own destination we excepted that. We tried with his latest partner who admitted we had been very kind to her unlike her own family. What I still cannot understand is why after the said statement were we treated so badly is it a miss trust or a habit with these people who just like to conquer and divide after all the kindness shown to them.

I keep flip flopping. Sometimes I think he’s a narc and then other times not. I’ve seen him cry. And yet I’ve seen him be utterly ruthless.

Thank you so much

Thank You Very Much Kim, I Have Finally Decided To Leave The Narcissist, And I Have Finally Taken A Decision To Take Her Out Of My Life, But Because We Have A Child Together, She Is Using That As Access To My Life Making Calls After Every 10 Minutes, And Those Calls Have Nothing To Do With The Child, She Is Telling Me She Miss Me, And Now She Can See How Important I Am In Her Life, But That’s What She Always Said When She Was Away From Me But When She Comes Back At First She Promises To Be Changed And Make Good Promises, But After A Short Time She Goes Back To Her Old Wicked Ways. Now I Want A Way How To Go No Contact With Her But Still Having A Full Access To My Daughter.

Kim, this article was so helpful! Thank you.

This is so helpful, thanks! I fell into the trap of trying to work out whether my mum is a narcissist or not. But as you say, in the end it doesn’t matter. She has most of the traits you describe and treats me badly, that’s how it is. If she’s a narcissist or psychopath or sociopath or has BPD is not important.
Funnily enough, many years ago she did have a psychometric test, I can’t remember why. The tester said they would be very wary of taking her on as an employee because certain traits showed she was a potential criminal. Ironic eh! She laughed at this assessment, she thought it was hilarious. But wouldn’t a normal person be mortified to be assessed as a potential criminal? I know I would…

Wonderful advice again Kim.
After 20 yrs of mental anguish I have read Alot of articles about narc’s to help me understand why and what made my ex wife the way she is. Iam am now 7 months out and have stopped reading such things because I have came realise that it does not help. what the more important thing is to focus on your self after all that’s what I want is to be me again and do the things that I like and make me be me again. After every day combat with my ex she still insisted that “I don’t need to change and why should I” her exact words which I had heard on countless occasions. I had to go before I got deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. OK I am suffering from. P. T. S. D and everything else that comes with it but I am learning to cope. Baby steps and self preservation. My message to all is. You will heal overtime and take care of you and yours. You are all warrior’s and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Regard Steven. Ps Kim keep it up you are my rock x

For years(35)I was in a “relationship” with a narcissistic partner. I first heard the term from my daughter and son(20 & 15)they learned about this in school. I was shocked when I began to research the term because it described my spouse perfectly!. Its so important to learn about it and then find ways to battle that person, because that is what it feels like, a battle. It took me four years to leave in 2019 and this website is what saved me and put me on the road to recovery in 2020. Thank you forever.

I love that you said this:

normalizing the abuse to the extent that when we explain our experiences to someone else, the words coming out of our mouths sound foreign to us because we can hardly believe we’ve tolerated such mistreatment.

I will never forget the day this happened to me and you put words to it when I was in a stupor. Thank you!

Does anyone have trichotillomania as a result of covert emotional abuse? I pull my hair out. It was worse with him….I need healing!!!

Spot on! Take your focus off the narcissist and put it on yourself, where it belongs! You can only change your own behavior, so learn why it is you tolerated such abusive behaviors and you will change the way you see yourself and never attract another narcissist again.

I agree 100% that people spend way too much time watching videos about narcissists/ narcissist abuse. I speak from experience, I spent two years binge watching those videos, and reading all the comments, which just reminded me of everything I myself went through. I have cut back to only a few channels, and rarely watch those videos. I have found I don’t spend nearly as much time thinking about the ex as I used to. After a while there is really nothing new to learn, it is what it is.

The comment from Pat on May 19, 2017 made the hairs on my neck stand up and I am surprised that no one made a comment on it. It was spoken like a true narcissist.
I suppose people did recognize it but chose not to respond to it which is exactly what that person wanted. I am also surviving and have good and bad days but in the end I expect to recover and shine.
That particular response stood out for me because I listened to that same recording for almost 40 years as well as throughout my childhood.
Now that I know what I am up against, which I discovered completely by accident and discovered AFTER I left the relationship and made many mistakes, I am able to wake up and fight my way through each day and am getting therapy which I now believe is an essential part of recovering.
I now see the world through different eyes and it makes me sad that this particular behavior is rampant today yet it’s hidden because for most of us there is a lot of shame involved because many of us are very intelligent and professionals and the times we choose to discuss it are as many responders have said not believed. I ask myself often how I could ever have allowed someone to treat me or my child that way. Yet we all did because we thought we could make it better and change things around.
Knowing that it would be impossible to change that person gives me the courage to change myself and respect myself make a new life for me.
I’m not even sure how or where I discovered the words narcissist or psychopath but by the grace of god I did and I came across your site which helped me maintain the courage to go and stay no contact. It is an ESSENTIAL part of recovery. It doesn’t matter to me what type of narcissist. It’s all the same game with as many twists as there are people. What matters is what we see and do to get out and stay out AND to avoid getting sucked in again by anyone else.
I may be over cautious at times with people but I need to be because I see just how easy it would be for me to fall into another trap.
That doesn’t mean I cannot love or trust because I am who and what I am and don’t need to change those very special qualities, I just need to use them at the right time and in the right circumstances and with the right people. And THAT is what I still need to learn.
I guess I just want to thank you for sharing your personal experiences as well as others and using your gift to spread a very important message that is desperately needed by many.
So thank you Kim for being so brave and intelligent and exposing something to terrible and shameful and giving so many the courage to heal themselves.
I wish you much health, happiness and prosperity in your endeavor.
Sincerely,
In Transformation

How do I help my children deal with the narcissistic behaviour of my former spouse.

Hi Kim! I would like to thank you for all the help that you have been giving to all of us.
It’s almost six months since I left my narc. He was a covert, somatic type… My previous ex narc was an overt, somatic type. I’ am jocking… My mom also, and my sister…
I am in no contact with all of them. When I realised this 6 months ago, it started like a journey. It was like an awaken from dead. It is hard and painfull. But I’ll manage. I have two childrens that need my best self.
Thanks again!

24 years with a narc. 2 years free. Working Hard on Caring for Me. Not always Easy. Guilt for raising my Precious Son in this toxic environment. Baby Steps ?

I went no contact about 7 months ago . I put up with him destroying my self esteem , me as a person for nearly nine years . Even free now I don’t know who I really am . Plz help

I am 7 and. Half years out from a narcissistic husband.
I still feel a loss of him to the point that I can’t do life any more. I wonder how his life is and if he’s changed constantly.

I finished myth….#1 went to #2 thru… and scrolled down to comment……Thnx.. Kim….you will hear more from me

Thank you so much for all your writing about this subject. It will help a lot of people, and also it helps me.

When I had to deal with a narcissist I didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t even heard about it before. For me it was a total surprise the first time I read about narcissism. At the same time I thought that this knowledge could help me out easily. I already went to psychologists and when I told them about my observations and my experience with it, it became clear by the psychologist that I totally going crazy and it can’t be possible that a narcissist was ruling the game.
So actually the people who were there to help, couldn’t and didn’t.

Then when I had the energy back together I went to my friends and they said all that I’m not a psychologist to diagnose others.
Instead of hearing about or believing anything I had to tell about narcissism they had left me before I realized what’s going on.

I didn’t get anything right inside my head if I hadn’t all the information about narcissism I could find. The more information I could find, the more I look into a positive future.

It’s very meaningful to me to understand exactly and everything I was going through. The big picture will be almost the same for everyone. As long as not every person is the same as anyone else, it is very hard to say in what way or how information is required to get the attention back on yourself, your own life and to feel love again.

After I get that knowledge of what’s happened to me and I have accepted life after the abuse. Of course! I don’t want the information anymore, i don’t need the information anymore. So, yes it is unnecessary to me now. But without I don’t know what’s happened to me than.

The true to me is that I subscribed to your newsletter. And so many newsletters more. But I did not unsubscribed afterwards. And the reason to get stuck in all the information is not about the information itself.
It is per person about how much accepting they have created to reach out to their own future. For many people there is no way to finally leave the past. They think they have left, but without leaving it.
A lot of people don’t even realize that anyone around the same narcissist is being abused in a way. If you keep people in your life who are still not sure about your experiences, you can not get out also. Yes it is difficult. You have to leave the past as it was. People you know have to change with you, elsewhere you have to leave them. I only have my parents from the past people I knew.

I’ve bought many books about narcissism and I am proud of it. It was my very own intuition to fight through narcissism in the way I was confronted with. It helps me everyday so much to enjoy life again when I see the books standing up there.
It was a time I wouldn’t want back again. But I also don’t want to forget. Because it gave me everything I want to live for.

you said IRONICALLY he called u a whore on ur grandfather’s funeral too. it wasnt ironic it was done purposely. Everything the narc does is done on purpose. there are no coincidences with them!!

I agree totally! I have never liked labels. They too readily provide excuses for people not to move on and heal.

Kim, thank you so much sharing this. It spoke to me so much. I was married for 42 plus years to a covert narcissist. At the time, I wasn’t aware of the terminology. All I knew was something wasn’t right with the relationship. I felt he was virtually suffocating me. I had tried talking with him a number of times with no success. He was so good at playing the blame game and putting up walls. He had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. As a last resort, I wrote him a letter asking him to come clean with the lying, manipulating, etc. and for both of us to get counseling. I hoped with all of my heart he would agree, but if he didn’t I was done. Twenty-four hours after I gave him the letter he chose to die by suicide. It gives a whole new meaning to the no contact concept. After his death, things came out which made healing really hard. It’s been three years. This was the first year the anniversary date has not weighed on me. Instead, I felt relief. I’m seeing a therapist and hope at sometime to be able to set good boundaries, trust again, and be vulnerable. Thanks for reminding me of the things which won’t help me.

God Bless you Kim.

Thank you so much for all your knowledge. I’m trying to forgive myself and go on with my life, however it’s been difficult. I’m grateful to have found this site and finally understand what I was dealing with and that I’m not alone. May God bless you…Thank you

The biggest surprise for me was finding out my female neighbor was a narcissist. I had my defenses up for male narcissist, but really wasn’t prepared for a female. But having survived male narcissists in the past, once I realized that she was one, it was easy to distance myself. … She even pulled the “we’re through” card. Boy! was she surprised when I went no contract instead of crawling back. Thanks for your blog and YouTube videos. xoxo from sunny Arizona.

Kim- thank you so much for continuing to share all these helpful tools. As I read your writings I almost chuckle at myself, as you really pinpoint in your videos and blogs what I spent so much time doing and wondering. You have really helped me see what’s important and what isn’t. Your sharing has helped me find peace and set myself free. I no longer care to focus my time and energy wondering why my ex behaved the way he did or hopeful that he can change. I’ve been able to take back my power and focus on myself and share my time with those who honor my boundaries and treat me in a respectful way. Thanks again.

I am one of the lucky ones…the day I met in person (from a dating site) the narcissist I spent off and on a year with….had a head up on me…He pegged me as an empath immediately and went in for the lovey kill..that day..it worked..I had never heard of an empath although I know now I am one..as everything I have read states , he did it all by the book..the first time I spent the night there..I ran in the morning while he was still sleeping..RED FLAGS…after we talked I let it all go…thinking the rough time , life I had I was afraid to get involved because it took me years to get over the death of my daughter and husband and I should give him a chance..Nope..Red flags are red flags….he loved, lied, was a phony, still married and separated for 20 years, was addicted to porn , never forced it on me…but he knew he couldn;t I am his age….and he would tell me it made him angry when I was more intelligent then him..LOL..give me a break…I gave him way too much .although he was good to me in many ways…having never met anyone like this ..I doubted myself off and on for a year..we would break off and then go back probably once a month…the last 2 months I had it with his BS and lies…promises..that never happened..In a year he was in my home once..I went to him all the time, he was a hoarder and OCD…..his past makes me sick…I’m writing this because I came across him on a dating site yesterday….his picture made me want to vomit and when I read his profile it gave me one more reason to continue NO CONTACT….lie, after lie, after lie…the same reasons I met him….so he will sucker his 20th woman …and that’s how it ends…at this point I don’t like to talk about him..and have no need to read anything more…I have no reason to call, or text …I have nothing to say to him….I do not believe one word he ever said to me…so anything written in here that came from him..let’s take with a grain of salt….it’s been hard to get here…I did miss who I thought he was…but knowing he isn’t and has a black soul, is a sick man with many issues….has made me run….stay away….and I am now happy and calm..I wish the same for everyone..

Dear Kim–It would be helpful to have a list of websites that you think are unhelpful or even useless? There are so many now–all zezoxing other sites and some obviously looking to make a buck (??). Could you have some kind of privaye list? Or indeed of troll sites? I suppose could this apply to me– am I indeed a troll, who is and who isnt ? it is a complex and over crowded area?
I only want good solid no bs stuff on this awful condition that has presented with so maun issyes (OCD thinking, feelings of shame, confusion and self guilt) and much more in the wake of a relationship (and almost marriage) with one of these cursed individuals—thank you –Jim

Sad. I am dealing with a ex husband that is an alcholic, gambler and narcissist. It’s a nightmare for my son and I. He is high conflicted and wants his way with a drop of a hat. I have been through all of the stages plus more. I pray everyday my son will not go through the same abuse I have experienced. It’s sad that we are subjected to people like this. There should be rights for children and ex spouses going through this type of emotional abuse. This is the type of abuse that leaves scares and not marks for life.

Ugh!! The abuse I have accepted and tolerated over the past 4 years!!! All in the name of “submission” to a tyrant. He keeps me clinging to hope of a better future with empty promises and outright lies.
I’ve been forced to stay awake to fight, even tho I wanted to sleep…. He has threatened to kill me and my children if I didn’t step up and admit our problems were my fault….He has cut me off from my friends and family….i am not allowed to work or attend church…He degrades me often and I have trouble making small decisions for fear of what he might say/do….I have to get permission to go shopping or see a friend….I am told that I am a liar and most likely a cheater, even though we are together 24 hrs a day…He checks my phone/email/internet history to keep me honest….I have begged on my knees for forgiveness for dating outside my race 2 years before I met my spouse!!! And yet, I stay stuck because he is the only one with a bank account and he occasionally works to pay the bills.(For which I am supposed to be eternally grateful)
I want out for the sake of my sanity and my children’s. But how??? I feel like a prisoner.

Thank you for your information I was in too bad relationships they were they were identical and I just decided to back off and never to try it again until I find what’s wrong inside me .

Thankyou fir your information , it made a lot of sense like so many it seems I have been looking for answers , trying to understand why I put up with the abuse, silent treatment , being treated with contempt and disgust when I ever stepped out of her guidelines of our relationship , bring put back on ” the baby steps regime” if I didn’t confirm or being told I was ” clearly the girl in the relationship ” if I ever showed emotion to her abusive and demeaning behaviour towards me before instructing me that I was crazy and having conversations in my head again .
My name is Ian , I am an abuse survivor from now my ex fiancé after being picked up and cast away three times , each time being dumped by email . Not all men are narsasist , my ex is a woman who are just as capable and sometimes worse of having these traits , why worse ? Because society , the law and public opinion all thinks it’s the man and treats them accordingly , when you are a man being abused , nobody will listen or take you seriously , I just lived in hope of a life requested and promised by her ! , she just abused me and our relationship .

Thankyou for the article , it helped X

Great article. Thank you!

Some men are more carful than others, my lies all the time, sabotage everything I do,, with my children, work , my weight, he would never call me anything he knows all hell would break loose, but he manipulates, me , acts if he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but one bad fight he slipped up , and it came out he really believes he does nothing wrong , it’s always I’m not saying its you but, ya!

I went No Contact. Once I was safely moved out I told him via email. He kept texting and e-mailing stating ‘He just wanted to understand….blah blah blah’. I flat out said No, I’m done. No, I don’t want to talk to you. I haven’t. I changed my number. I blocked him on email and social media. I also blocked anyone who I thought would supply him with info from my social media.

I was with him for 2 1/2 years. I’m rebuilding my life, my career and my finances. I taking myself on vacation this coming fall. I’m enjoying some me time.
I’m not healed yet. I’m angry. I’m more angry now than I was when we split. I feel I need to see a therapist to work through my recovery.

I will get there . I thank you for all the info , its helped.

Anne

Thank you for the article, Kim. Once again you are spot on. In the relationship we had focused our attention, time and emotion to the narc. Once we are out of it, it is really the time to stop the narc wasting more of our time (i.e putting way too much energy and time in researching them without end.) At the preliminary stage of healing, knowledge about narcissism is necessary, but to focus on our own healing is even more crucial.

And people wonder why the suicide rate is so high. Everyone has narcissistic behaviors. Most people also exhibit obsessive, compulsive, dependent, etc.. behaviors as well. It’s interesting that you characterize a “narc” as having no empathy. But apparently you and most of the people who replied on this board do have empathy for others. Right? When have you ever put yourself in the “shoes” of the person you labeled as a narc? Many narcs feel like they have been wronged by others. They feel like they have never been good enough for anyone because of their experiences. They are shunned by many in society. Have any of you “put yourselves in their shoes” for even an hour? Some people need to be liked by many in order to feel self worth. Others prefer to be alone. Why not bash them? Most people today claim to care for other people. What is care? Care= worry. You and most people that have commented clearly care about yourselves. You do things for yourself because you worry about your life and outcomes. Narcs have a need for admiration because nobody admires them. You would too if nobody admired you. A narc can spend 20+ hours planning something for someone else and get no credit. While you spend 30 minutes and because you were there at the right time, presented yourself in the right way, planned it perfectly so you would be seen as a good person, and you get the credit and admiration. Of course you don’t need admiration because you get it all the time! Your whole life revolves around making decisions that place you in the best position to be viewed positively by others. While your actions revolve around you. If I asked you what disorder do you call that- you’d say “Smart”. Next time you are waiting on line at a TSA checkpoint and think for even a second that you should had gotten a pre-check pass, you are demonstrating a narcissistic behavior. The narc just gets the pre-check pass before she gets to the airport.

I know my husband is passive/aggressive and an addict. I have been separated for over a year and filed for a divorce. I knew he emotionally abused me because he was under extreme stress. At the time I didn’t know he was taking painkillers. My therapist kept telling me to hang in there because he believed my husband would get better.

I finally did some research on narcissism and passive/aggressive. If I’d known 7 years ago that it’s hard for narcs and PA’s to change I would have left years ago, because I thought things would change after he retired. He only got worse because of his addiction.

I’m working on trying to forgive the therapist, his Dr and of course my husband.

I did have a breakdown because I didn’t understand his behavior and the therapist gave me false hope.

I don’t think I’ll be able to trust another man for a long time. Addictive and passive/aggressive behavior is very painful to live with and I never want to go through it again.

Hi Kim I’m the owner of Esteemology.com. I have reported the website http://www.themindsjournal.com to Google for stealing at least three of my blog posts – I’ve noticed she has also a few of yours. I’m assuming that they were taken without your permission. Her page needs to be shut down. In the age of Google’s Panda algorithm it’s important not to have duplicate content. You can report her here:

https://www.google.com/webmasters/tools/dmca-notice?pli=1&

Thank you so much for your articles..sometimes i just check it at same time i am going through same feelings…it is amazing..just like reading my thoughts. I have been with a Narcassist for almost 7 years now and maintained no contact for 6 months now although havent been yet through divorce papers however it has been much better to do no contact since then. I am going through a really tough recovery period and trying to get hold of myself again.

My mother is a narcissist. It took me all of 53 years to see everything in Black and White and come out of my heartbroken hopeful confused heart. I just turned 54 I have 21 years sober. I have worked on myself to maintain my sobriety. There is only one reason to stay in contact with my mother now that I know the truth. Inheritance. I wouldn’t have to talk to her very often at all and allow her to continue to play her games but now not let them bother me because I can see right through her and understand what’s really going on. I’m feeling angry and selfish in terms of playing her games to get inheritance. I Believe I Can Do This and now maintain peace of mind and serenity and at least get something for all these years of abuse that she’s giving me. I guess you could call it money for pain and suffering. What is your opinion on this? I’d really like to know.

Luv that I found you kim. I divorced my husband but 31 years of that abuse has taken it’s toll. But thru support pages and blogs I am pulling myself back up. I lost my family my child my friends as a result of his behavior and from my downfall. But I am a survivor and I will find myself again. Thanks for being there for us all.

I have been dealing with twin nieces that I helped raise due to their father passing away and their mother deserting them. It has taken me several years of abuse from these girls to realize they were killing me. I had to finally realize that I was going to have to have no contact whatsoever to survive; however, it hurts and I miss their children terribly.

Thank you for you articles. I am hoping I can learn how to accept this.

Thank you for the article, very timely for me right now.
What are some of the books you would recommend?

I really appreciate all this. I recognize myself in every single line. I am trying to get out of a toxic relationship. We broke more than 20 times, and he is always back and many times i got him back, believing he is gonna change.
he doesn´t leave me alone, even if i block him, he will pop up in my house eventually, which makes thing more difficult.
i want to live a good life surrounded with love, i thought it was love, but no, love shouldnt hurt.

Kim, you are helping many people, i didn´t know many people are suffering the same. i thought my case was especial, i was special. you are really giving some important tips in the way to recover.

thanks for being there, and being a light of sun for many of us. you give us hope

Great article
It’s good to push people away from being sucked into the wrong thoughts – your points ‘what matters instead’ are very important and true. I am recovering from 20 years with my narcissistic partner (who won’t be soon), your points indicate how we end up as we are, but what matters most is not being that same thing – letting go of the past is very important to healing – it’s taken me 3 years so far, of self-isolation and sabotage, but the calmest 3 years in 20 – it only gets better – your point on what matters are spot on to successfully climbing to out.
Cheers

Its true, I have a friend Who IS obsessed with the narcs. She was married to one and left the relationship two years ago. I reached out to her after my experience 6 months ago.
I noticed the other week that she seems stuck in the narcs behaviour, why how etc, and shows very little interested in healing herself.
What does H.O.P.E. mean? Im New to this channel.

This is so true. I spent so much time trying to understand him and why he did the things he did. But it was just distracting me from what was really relevant…that what he was doing WAS NOT OKAY, regardless of why he was doing it. Once I focused on myself, my boundaries, and loving myself for who I was, I was able to finally see clearly. I needed to stop focusing on HIM and focus on me. Focusing on him was just fueling the whole notion that it was all about him, which was part of the problem to begin with.

after 20 years being married to a NPD woman, I find that going no contact to not be so easy especially with 2 teenage daughters who still live with her and manifesting signs of parental alienation (the worst form of abuse)from their mother.
Whats a man to do? Which way is up?

I just had a very violent end to 7 month narcissistic exboyfriend. I’m so hurt and angry I don’t know what to do.

Thank You Kim 🙂

I agree totally & have pretty much come to the same conclusion as you have summed up here. Thank You for all your wisdom & support as, I share all of your advice on an awareness page to help others. To me it is an individual journey as, everyone is different & so is the level of awakening. Some get to run the whole gauntlet & break free from abuse while others are not ready, not illuminated nor understand what toxic abuse is & what the tolerance of it truly means to the individual. We have to accept our part in the abuse too, with our underlying self worth issues & co-dependency traits plus, generational behaviors that have been passed down as you discussed. Once you realise your worth & your ability to be alone yet, not lonely, you are liberated forever & it is beautiful. I now live in my own reality & truth that is not manipulated or controlled/contrived by someone else or through others perceived ideas. I live without judgement (which is hard) but, I am incredibly more authentic.I hope this makes sense & I guess I am no longer a sheep nor a herder but, rather I am free to roam & live in love with life. 🙂 Love & Light to you.

My ex bf is a full blown psychopath with some borderline for good measure.

What happened too me? I’m intelligent, attractive, and well educated. And my bf was calling me a ‘whore” and telling me to f off.

My psychiatrist helped me identify that my father was a psychopath. So was my ex husband. My mother was Borderline. My ex bf was, in effect, a perfect combination. A perfect fit.

Now I know where my sickness came from.

In time I saw that he used his good looks on women throughout the neighbourhood for whatever he wanted. I knew that the sex was an act because any attempt to get him to try something off script was disregarded. It was all about what he read somewhere,not what mattered to me. He harassed and terrified my friends and tenants. He lied and stole from me. He gave me a social disease.

I’m totally clean today, by God’s grace, and recovering quite well, thanks to Kim and all of you!

I am glad i lived long enough to make a change. I’ve been n/c 15 weeks, lost 18 lbs, and finally had the guts NOT to have a face lift.

I am more than “good enough”. I’m damn good.

Thankyou.

How do i get out at the expense of my innocent children? Every time i make a move of no contact, they are put thru hell. He takes it out on them. They, in turn, blame me. He has created such a storm of lies and deceit that i wouldnt believe me. They, as i have, scramble for every crumb of attention he throws our way. I am afraid of what he will do. He is a police officer and has made threats. He has alienated everyone from me. He has built this case against me that i cant fight him in court even if i had the resources at this point. Have been bullied and coerced out of every penny and he has the children, everyone, believing these lies. I feel exposed and scared . I hear myself going thru the past decade in my head over and over and i sound crazy to me!

Thank you Kim… what you have succeeded in doing by writing this is actually to reframe ways of thinking. Alot really doesn’t matter .. what matters is today and recognizing the defects and not subjecting oneself to further abuse if possible. The hows and whys can drive one nuts and at the end of the day; we are here because we recognized the signs and symptoms of a very sick, dysfunctional individual. Many are at different stages of healing which is very true. Took me a while, and reading your articles have helped me to be grateful for not getting sucked back in.. Better to live life alone than in constant fear. Thank you so much for insight and clarity. I am much stronger because of having lived through this nightmare. The light at the end of the tunnel is not the light of an incoming train. H.O.P.E… hold on, pain ends.

I have read countless articles over the last 3 years, follow groups with daily posts etc.. but this has hit the nail on the head. Especially point 1. Ultimately, the only research we need to do, and question we need to ask is; Why do I believe I don’t deserve any better? We need to work on helping ourselves and bettering ourselves to be healthy functioning people. Unfortunately, I think, as empaths, we struggle to do so, almost becuse we think it’s selfish to think of ourselves and putting ourselves first when there may be someone who needs us.
This article really helped me today, and was just what I needed to read

I have tried no contact for a good while now. Every so often the narc appears out of nowhere, & kisses my car windshield when I am at a traffic light …yesterday while placing an order at a fast food drive through. I do the gray rock thing, all the while wanting to scream for him to get the hell away or better yet run over him. I have major PTSD when I see him. Then it evolves into being attracted to him…then wondering what he’s doing & who he is with now (his new supply). Also the confusion in thinking “he cares about me, that’s why he hoovers” Have to battle with my mind, making my mind & heart remember, he never cared or loved me, even though he said he did. I pray & long for the day when it won’t affect me anymore.

Thank you Kim for all the clarity of thoughts ,simplifying the entire subject of narc abuse is of great benefit as I seem totally disturbed when “He” is mentioned and feel completely absorbed by “His “presence,so from this moment on I promise myself NOT to talk about the incident again, and vow to focus unrelentingly on myself and my beautiful qualities.
Thank you again.

GREAT article. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I did have to educate myself on convert narcissism to understand exactly what had happened to me. I already knew what a grandiose narcissist was, but the covert narcissist was an animal I didn’t know or recognize. That information was essential in order that I know what to look for in the future; Good guys who were not good guys, only bad guys doing good deeds for ulterior motives.

I did spend too many years researching narcissism, but only because I didn’t ever want to be caught out again. It did help me, but I’m sure my negative neural pathways are now more like super highways.

There are a number of Narcissistic Abuse websites where people share. I followed two of them for about a week and then had to “unjoin” the groups because it only reactivated the pain of the past. Your article speaks to that exact issue. Thanks so much for stating what many empaths do not yet understand; that reliving the pain over and over again prevents or delays recovery.

Thank you for contining to post these and for having me on your mailing list. I am still struggling to free myself. I have managed to make some progess but am still “in” the relationship. Its such a hard place to be and getting your mind to agree with the right thing to do is not easy. So thank you, again, for being there for me in words. cyndi lou

Wasn’t sure what I’d yhink reading the article but it’s stuff I have noticed too. Gladly I have not been obsessed with the research, I pick things up quickly and remember well so it all stuck.
This has encouraged me to keep handling the situation as I have been, plus I didn’t fall for the myths. Her personality traits have been clear to me and she’s never been able to pull something on me without getting called on it. Likely why she left, she couldn’t properly feed on me and started using her new best friend. Good luck to her!
Thanks so much for sending me the link to this.

Wow!! Just wow!! I could have written the list of what was tolerated. Mine was my sister, so I put up with it for 50 years!! Oh, how I wish I would have come across you (and Psychopath Free) 49 years ago. All the sabotaging, etc. I have been NC since 2012 and actually had the opportunity to move to a different state. It’s all behind me now, but I am still healing from the trauma. Love addicted and co-dependent since we were the only two left in our family, I got sucked into it so easily. But NC helped me all the way, and it was YOU, Kim Saeed, who gave me the courage to practice it and walk away. Thank you so much for literally saving my life!!

I agree, and yet I also would like to insert a word of caution. Unless you know what you are dealing with, you can’t heal from the injury.

It has been 15 years sense my husband left me in the most cruel and insensitive manner. I pulled myself together, went to college graduated in Human Communication, went and got my Masters in Mental Health Counseling and did a lot of healing. And yet, I could NOT heal completely. And I just could not understand why I still had problems.

He still was in my life with my kids as a co parent. He would do things that would be SO illogical and cruel to me. My kids would say he was just not smart enough to realize, and everyone else would just tell me I was over reacting. No one would believe it, no one could understand it. Even I couldn’t understand it. I still found people who blamed me for him leaving, he is such a great guy you know. Everyone loves him so what did I do to make him leave.

It was not until now, after 15 YEARS of searching, asking and going to other counselors who told me it was time to “get over it” in essence. That I happened upon your and other’s blogs about what who and how a narcissist operates.

WHAM it hit – my ex was a Narcissist, and a covert one at that. And FINALLY it clicked the last piece of the puzzle was slid into place and my last bit of real healing from the trauma that I did not let myself remember or understand has started to occur.

I feel like a new person, and I can NOW accept and understand – but He had to be labeled, I had to know what I dealt with. And in the knowing, I can take all the negative’s and re-write my story to know that It was not my doing or my fault.

If you DON’T KNOW, YOU CAN’T heal. You just go from one place to another reaching out trying to find a solution without knowing the question.

In essence, healing from years of this type of abuse can be like a dis-ease. It’s like a cancer that even though you think is benign still grows. Because knowing what type of cancer your cutting out, actually does matter. Going after Breast Cancer when someone has Lymphoma will not help one iota.

I know all of this, don’t care about ” labels” but I’m 40 pregnant with 7 th child (4 are his) and my family disowned me for not being in religion about 20 yrs ago. So I have No support system, why I stay. Not abusive physical but in his ” hoovering and romancing stage which last 2-3 yrs in 2 ND yr) I have no income because 3,4,soon to be 2 yr old and pregnant. I’m saving slowly on side to get out. I have C-section in July and August plan to.return to work( he sabotages alot). My question is, how can you get out with out going to shelters with 7 kids( no room there) and no resources?? I have plan until next March, I have to be quiet and not speak on it, make him think it’s all good to avoid confrontation….What else can I do? I sleep in seperate room, he prides in kids( as trophy of course) so he has 3&4 yr old all night,works 6 days a week. Will pay c.support because he hit oldest son 2 yrs ago and on probation…Plus it matters what ppl think…Which I use to my advantage. Any positive advice would be appreciated….Thanks.

Thanks Kim. This is excellent. Like all your materials. I purchased the Better life Bundle and is reading “how to do no contact like a boss”. I’m on day 4 of no contact. Is it normal to feel extremely anxious, fragile and crying a lot at this stage? I basically just feel like hiding in a closet and never coming out.

Hey, I very much appreciate your guidance & sharing your story, the knowledge of your expertise is a God-send for me. Luv ya

The best thoughts ever…
It does not matter what color it is or how it tastes or anything…
It simply is getting out and healing..Amen.