Can I be blunt for a moment?ย There are myths about narcissism floating around out there that could keep you stuck for years.ย ย
Here’s why…
Much of the material on the internet about narcissistic behaviors is totally pointless.
Itโs mostly rehashed information thatโs often inaccurate, biased, and completely useless if youโre truly serious about moving on and healing from narcissistic abuse.ย Hereโs how I know:
Over the past ten years, Iโve personally recovered from narcissistic abuse, codependency, and C-PTSD.ย I’ve performed hundreds of hours of research, bounced ideas off numerous healers and therapists, and worked with several hundred coaching clients from many backgrounds and religions.
Iโve learned firsthand what matters and what doesnโt when it comes to researching narcissistic behaviors and how they influence oneโs recovery from this kind of abuse.ย
And lots of the information out there just doesnโt matter.ย
In particular, there are three mythsย about narcissism that really disturb me.ย If youโre struggling to break free from a toxic relationship or to heal after leaving a narcissist, perhaps youโve bought into one or more of these mythsย that, in the end, mean nothing in the big scheme of things.
3 Myths About Narcissism to Put to Rest
Myth #1 โ Itโs important to know what kind of narcissist youโre dealing with
Sure, it might help to know what kind of manipulator youโve been involved with.ย Itโs useful to be able to validate your experiences and finally understand why your partner, friend, or family member behaves the way they do.ย But, people tend to put far too much focus on “what kind of narcissist” these people might be.
Ultimately, knowing whether a person is overt or covert, somatic or cerebral, altruistic or malignant, etc., might satisfy oneโs intellectual curiosity, but continuing to perform painstaking research into the subject and substantiating a personโs behaviors and traits to make sure they fit into a particular category is a waste of time.ย
Why?ย Narcissism falls into the Cluster-B category. So, if you believe youโre dealing with a narcissist, their narcissism is โclusteredโ with something else. For example, you could be dealing with a narcissist who also has antisocial traits, or you could be dealing with a narcissist who has psychopathic traits, or a combination of all three. This why is why itโs often difficult to determine exactly which category they fall into because they donโt only fall into one. When you put them all together, you have a very dangerous individual.
Further, knowing this information does nothing to erase the abuse or to change the outcome of the relationship.ย
After a time, you are re-reading information you already know.ย But more importantly, it keeps the obsession about the abuse alive in your subconscious mind and deepens the negative neural pathways that formed throughout your past with your abuser.ย Itโs a form of rumination, which makes it harder to develop new thought patterns whichย will empower and heal you.ย
What you focus on the most is what influences your day-to-day reality.ย This partly explains why people whoโve been out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist for years remain stuck in their pain, unable to move forward in any meaningful way…they have continued reading about narcissism far beyond what’s helpful.
What matters instead:ย In place of doing more research into the types and sub-types of narcissism, research ways you can implement healthy boundaries in your relationships and begin forming new, self-loving habits.ย Believing you can find emotional fulfillment in another person is an illusion.ย The only path to true happiness begins with learning to stop self-sabotaging behaviors, staying true to your values, and treating yourself like you would someone you care for.ย ย
Myth #2 โ It matters whether someone was born a narcissist or developed narcissistic traits as a young child due to environmental factors
The nature vs. nurture debate has been around for decades.ย There is definitely scientific value in studying human behavior regarding innate personality traits versus those a person develops due to environmental factors.
Itโs important to realize, however, that by the time an individual has matured into an adult, their personality traits have become a permanent part of who they are.ย Thatโs not to say that a person cannot change and develop more empowering, healthy behaviors.ย But, for that to happen, they must first become aware that their behaviors are dysfunctional to themselves and to others and then commit to doing something about it because they give a care.
A person who is trauma-bonded or codependent has a good chance of developing healthier behaviors and thought patterns.ย People with these personality traits are more prone towards self-reflection and the desire to change their lives for the better.ย They are more likely to visualize a better future for themselves and the people they love and study ways in which they can improve their lives and relationships.ย The main reason for this is that the people narcissists zero in on typically possess high levels of empathy.ย Narcissists do not.
Narcissists, in general, are stuck in a state of arrested development.ย They care mostly for how they feel in the moment, which explains their erratic behaviors.ย They generally donโtโ reflect on the future or ways they can improve themselves to be better partners or friends.ย What they do reflect on is how they can better manipulate people in order to fulfill their selfish agendas.ย Therefore, whether they were born a narcissist or developed narcissistic traits as a child is mostly irrelevant.ย
What matters instead:ย To determine whether a person was born with narcissistic traits or developed them as a young child, weโd need access to brain scans and life-long, scientific data thatโs been gathered over a personโs lifetime.ย Since these are generally not available to us, we are pressed to base our decisionsย on who the person is before us today. ย The person they are today is someone whoย has been abusing and manipulating people for years. We must look at how theย relationship is affecting us (and our children) and decide if itโs worth it to continue despite the psychological damage it’s doing to us, our children, and any other family members involved.ย
The old paradigm of โtoughing it outโ or โstaying together for the childrenโs sakeโ is no longer useful to us as individuals, families, or as a global community.ย Part of the reason we have so many problems with depression, narcissism, codependency, and dysfunction is that the generations before us held these convictions, regardless of whether it was the right thing to do.ย Thatโs not to say we should abandon people who truly need our help, but when it comes to relationships with narcissists, itโs crucial to be cognizant of the fact that these individuals will take your help, give none in return (unless it will benefit them), and destroy the lives of you and your children if you remain in the relationship.ย Is that a risk youโre willing to take?ย And if so, why?ย These are the questions that should be analyzed instead of how a person became narcissistic.
Myth #3 โ Itโs necessary to label someone a narcissist in order to take the next steps in your life
The search terms ‘Am I With a Narcissist’ are among the most popular in the area of narcissism.ย Itโs also one of the most common questions I am asked by clients and followers.ย And with good reason, by the time one starts researching why a partner or other loved one is so cruel, theyโve experienced abuse and manipulation that has begun to affect their lives in a negative way.
Where one gets stuck, however, is believing itโs absolutely necessary to label someone a narcissist, which is only possible by having the person in question take a battery of psychological assessments.ย Even then, if faced with the certainty that a partner or loved one is a narcissist, most people wonโt leave the relationship right away, or even at all.ย I can relate because I was involved with a narcissistic individual for over eight years.ย Of course, I didnโt know about narcissism back then.ย What I did recognize was that I tolerated:
- Lying
- Financial abuse
- Broken promises
- Verbal abuse
- Sabotaging of my career
- Isolation from my friends and family
- Being told that I deserved every bad thing in my life
- Being called a whore on the day of my grandmotherโs funeral
- Ironically, being called a whore the day my grandfather died, too
- Developing depression due to feelings of helplessness
โฆand many other forms of abuse that we now know are carried out by individuals with narcissistic traits.
Like many other targets of emotional abuse, I researched all the possible reasons my ex behaved the way he did.ย I tried to find ways I could reach his โwounded inner childโ and dedicated myself to being submissive and forgiving.ย I allowed him to do whatever he wanted and tolerated weekly silent treatments.ย
In other words, I engaged in all the self-sabotaging, self-defeating behaviors of which Iโve since learned are indicative of trauma-bonding and codependency.ย Therefore, it didnโt matter whether my Ex was a narcissist or not.ย
What matters instead:ย It doesnโt matter whether we can label someone a narcissist.ย What matters is why we stay in relationships with individuals who strive to destroy our self-esteemโฆwho lie, cheat, smear our character to anyone who will listen, pull the rug out from under our feet on a regular basis.ย We need to reflect on why we permit someone to trample our boundaries and break our deal-breakers, normalizing the abuse to the extent that when we explain our experiences to someone else, the words coming out of our mouths sound foreign to us because we can hardly believe weโve tolerated such mistreatment.ย
Ultimately, we need to recognize when we are falling prey to myths about narcissism.ย If we find ourselves in relationships with abusers, liars, and cheaters, itโs not our job to change them.ย Our job is to change the beliefs we have about ourselves and about life that have caused us to tolerate such a situation.ย Our job is to leave so we can heal our wounded belief systems, become the best version of ourselves, and live the lives we deserve.ย
If this describes your relationship, you areย dealing with a narcissistic individualย and youโll need to get to a point where you decide whether youโre going to stay and get more of the same, or if youโre going to take the steps to take your power back and reclaim your life.ย
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is hard, and itโs okay to admit you need help. If youโre ready to go deeper NOW, check outย the #1 therapist-approved online program for narcissistic abuse recovery. Thousands of people have benefited from this program thatโs practical, proven, and reliable.ย Itโs the best place to begin a journey toward renewed self-worth and an end to feeling worthless.